HOBO TSA BY JARRED HODGDON

EXT. TRAIN YARD - DAY

A few TRAVELLING FOLKS sit in the boxcar of an idle train. JIMSEED (25), a clean-cut hippie, stands beside an odd shack like structure built of pallets and apple boxes, near the train.

ELMER (65), an old-timer shuffles up, he carries a bindle and looks the part of the hobo he is. Jimseed halts him.

JIMSEEDHey old timer, what seems to be the rush?

ELMERJus fixin on ridin the rails like the days of my youth. Reckon its been a good thirty years since I last smelled that sweet, sweet awful of a boxcar and my freedoms.

JIMSEEDNice. Well I’m here to facilitate this step in your travels and make sure everything is safe and comfortable.

ELMERGreat. Move please.

Elmer tries to shove past Jimseed.

JIMSEEDHold up, friend. I’m with I’m with the TTTSA. The Transient Train Travel Safety Authority. We just need to see to a few procedures and formalities first.

ELMEROutta my way, I got my freedoms to get to!

JIMSEED Let’s see the bindle first.

Elmer balks as Jimseed manhandles his bindle and starts to untie the handkerchief from the stick and go through the contents.

JIMSEED (CONT’D)Say pal, what do we have here?

Jimseed holds up a flask.

ELMERThat’s just my whiskey! I need it for slickin’ my hair an warshin’ in my underarm!

Jimseed holds up another glass bottle.

JIMSEEDThen this?

ELMERThat’s my turpentine. Fer when I git to drinkin’.

JIMSEEDSorry. No open containers on the trip.

Jimseed chugs the whiskey then tosses it to the side.

ELMERWhy not?! What’s this malarkey?

JIMSEEDDidn’t you hear about the recent train derailment in West Virginia? Don’t you want to be safe?

ELMERWell. S’pose I do.

JIMSEEDGreat. Now we gotta scan you and give you a look see. PEEPS!

PEEPS (25), pops out from behind a pallet. She bugs out her exceptionally large eyes and looks Elmer up and down.

PEEPSSeems okay I figure.

Peeps stays put and observes.

JIMSEEDGreat. Take off your belt and shoes now.

ELMERSay. What kinda prevert are you?

2.

JIMSEEDLike I said. It’s all in the spirit of safe travels. We don’t want another train disaster like that oil train derailment up in Canada.

ELMERWell. All right, but I don’t know how a wanderin’ soul like myself makes a train fall offa its tracks.

Elmer reluctantly begins to take off his belt and shoes. His belt is a long and sturdy rope and his shoes are two burlap sacks.

JIMSEEDJust a precaution. But we’re almost set to let you on your way.

ELMERAlmost!? Jeez-us iffn freedom sure ain’t what it use ta be.

Another hobo, FAST EDDIE, cruises up and breezes right past Elmer.

FAST EDDIES’up thar Jimseed?

JIMSEEDHow goes, Fast Eddie?

ELMERHo’ed up just a sec! Why’s this feller get to breeze on through with no grillin’ ‘aft all?

Fast Eddie balks and gets up in Elmer’s face.

FAST EDDIEShut yer danged mouth ya basterd. Can’t you tell I’m an ELITE TRAVELLER.

ELMERElite?! Now tha durn sound just like the classicist, fascistic hulla- balloey I’m fixin’ to ride the rails to ‘scape from.

3.

JIMSEEDSir, you are getting it all wrong. Elite just means he gives us a little extra up front so he can have an easier time at check in!

Fast Eddie greases Jimseed’s palm with a can of beans. Jimseed examines in.

JIMSEED (CONT’D)Mmmm. Boston Baked. A personal favorite.

Fast Eddie makes for the boxcar and hops in. Elmer pulls out a can of beans.

ELMERIf beans all it takes I got them’s to.

Elmer pulls out a can of beans. His lip quivers as he holds it up and examines it.

ELMER (CONT’D)Kidney beans. This was meant to be my sustenance to Kansas City.

Jimseed produced a large and rusty beachcombers metal detector. He starts waving it all around Elmer. Elmer balks.

ELMER (CONT’D) (CONT’D)What’n the haystack ya doin, boy?!

JIMSEEDI got one last precaution. I’m gonna comb you for metal.

ELMERYou sure is a dolt. If I had a ounce of metal dontcha know I’d a sold it fer scrap already?!

The metal detector starts BEEPING. Jimseed manhandles Elmer and pulls another can of beans out of his pocket.

ELMER (CONT’D) (CONT’D)Aw. Thas just string beans. You gonna take that too?!

JIMSEEDString beans?! That’s not even a proper sort of bean. Go ahead and keep em. You can get up in that boxcar now old timer.

4.

Elmer looks sorrowful and begins to shuffle towards the train car.

ELMERAin’t much like it used to be.

As Elmer gets up into the boxcar, he tries to light a stubby cigar. The other hobo’s begin to react with shock.

FAST EDDIEHey, whadda you think, you can’t smoke in here!

Elmer throws down his cigar in frustration.

ELMERJesus H. Christ! All these dag-gum protocols. Now I member why I quit trainin’ and started flyin!

BLACKOUT

5.