Hey Salt

8/8/2019 Hey Salt

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Hey Salt!

What's up big sis? I know it has been a long time since we have been in touch, but I have been thinking about you. I really

miss you. Wow, it's your birthday already? The time is flying! Just thinking how it would have been if you were here with us

now. Do you know that you were my hero by default? When we were coming up, if somebody messed with me, and I told

them I was going to get my sister Salty, then they knew it was going be a problem!! I had to live in your shadow for a long

time, and that did something to my psyche, at least until I came of age. You had people in fear! Do you know that there arestill some girls who won't speak to me to this very day because of how you dominated them?! CRAZY! I see them in

passing, and they act like I am the one who beat them up! I ran into Mr. Molock, one of our elementary school teachers

(and who also was a hero to me), and he didn't know that you had passed, he was really blown away. He is still teaching,

but he relocated to Georgia. You always had that lovable impact on people, despite you being a terror! :) It is going on 13

years now since you've been gone, but it seems like it was just yesterday that we were partying, or listening to Hip Hop, or

just living life worry free...no one really told us how hard it would REALLY be to be grown up (or at least it didn't resonate

with us at the time, because Mommy was always telling us), and all the time we just couldn't wait until we were grown so

we could do whatever we wanted, but adulthood involves doing what you have to do more than anything. You know that,

because as we got older, life got a little harder and a little more challenging.

I often think about all of the stuff we were exposed to when we were younger, and the care-free environment that we were

raised in had a significant impact on how some of the things, in particular drug & alcohol abuse, affected us. You know our

house was always the hang out spot, and we used to throw the best house parties out North! Everybody knew that theycould come to our house and chill, smoke weed, and do whatever, because they couldn't do it in their own homes. Having

three sisters always meant that there were girls around the house, and when I was younger, they were friends to me as

well, but when I got older, I started looking at them different, you know? lol Do you know you killed a lot of fantasies for

me? I couldn't talk to none of them, because I was 'Salty's little brother (ill, get outta here, you Salty's little brother!) Some

of them probably did like me, but out of tremendous respect for you and Angie, they wouldn give me no play! Looking at it

now, we had fun for the most part. Who knows the real struggles of parenthood unlessl they are actually a parent? Mommy

used to tell us that she would rather us be home cutting up than to be in the streets, so that was her logic in allowing us to

have so much of a free range, especially the part about allowing us to get high in her presence, sometimes with her; I

remember you even expressing something about that to her. Looking at it in retrospect though, that wasn't healthy for us,

but it was part of what shaped us and made us the people we have become. Also, looking at it from her perspective and

trying to make sense of it, how was it for her, a single mother, who moved here from down South to escape an abusive

relationship, four small children, looking for something better in a relationship, but never able to really find anything stable.

Look at all of the boyfriends she had, whom we would expect to be father figures, but they were only Mr. (enter current

man) to us. Imagine how it is for a man to walk into an already made family, a woman with FOUR kids?! Not exactly the

desired prototype! Now it is not hard to imagine the minimal level of respect we had for ANY of them, because we saw ALL

of them hurt Mommy in some type of way, and then end up walking out of her life. And imagine what she had reserved

within herself, about having three daughters, and having a man around them who is not their father, and what potential

harm that could cause. And by the time she did achieve some stability with one man, we were all grown up! I hope now you

can see it a little better of what she had to go through as a mother, because some of the stuff that you've experienced in

relationships yourself, so now you understand,and hopefully you have no more ill feelings towards her. I know you all had a

falling out before you passed, probably a few of them, and subconsciously it has bothered Mommy that she didn't get a

chance to make it right, or you for that matter, because of the abrupt and tragic ending of your life.

You and I always had a close relationship, even in between our fighting and arguing! Everybody would think because

Christine was my twin that we would automatically be close, but you were the one I admired. Not to take anything awayfrom Christine, or even Angie for that matter (she always played the older sister/2nd mom role, so it was different with

her). But you were the one I always vibed with. As we went through those stages with Mommy, and as I got older, there

was tremendous pressure on me to be able to be the 'man of the house', even as a boy, and without any prior model

ANYWHERE that I can recall. However, when I did get a little older, I knew that if I could help it, no one would ever hurt

any of you all, and with Mommy, no one would EVER hurt her again!! I was used to you and Angie handling yourselves,

because you all took care of me, but still, you all were girls, and you had hearts, and with matters of the hearts, as we

would find out as we got older, there is no toughness! I never really had any serious relationships with girls growing up, and

you all never had any with guys that interrupted our harmony as a family unit, because despite all of the trials, I would say

that we were pretty close. We went through a couple of major ones, especially when we got burnt out of two homes within

8/8/2019 Hey Salt


two years; as soon as we were recovering from the first one in '83, the second one happened in '85. How Mommy held us

together during that period was remarkable, and it made us see up front the real meaning of family sticking together.

Angie being the oldest was the first one to experience a relationship, and since she was over us, we had to witness her go

through some of that heartache. Then it was your turn. Now how hard was it for me to see my guardians and heroes to be

crying over some dude? Extremely hard! So I made it my business that dudes knew or understood what it was if they were

messing with my sisters; this is not little Chris talking no more, this is Troop talking now, and they knew what that wasabout!! You guys were equally protective, because I never felt like I would be able to bring a girl home, because if you all

didn't approve of her, she would probably end up getting beat up, especially if she hurt me! However, we learned that you

had to respect each other's relationships, and hurt and pain go along with the pleasure. The substance abuse would be a

remaining constant with us through our teenage years, and it got progressively worse, because this was a main staple in all

of our lives, and me being in the drug game didn't help matters at all. It led to me being in the streets heavy, not being able

to see a way out, and not really caring if I made it out or not! I did escape, but it involved me getting into an altercation

with my friend and makeshift brother Jason, and in the midst of that altercation, he lost his life through my hands. It is

something that I regret deeply, but it was also the platform for me to turn my life around, because it was a turning point

that led me to Islaam.

When I became Muslim while I was locked up, in 1991, I felt like that this what I was searching for. One thing that I am

grateful to Mommy about, among many others, is that she never really enforced us going to church, so we never grew up

with any belief system, outside of the 'Golden Rule'. So it wasn't difficult for me to approach Islaam objectively. So naturally,I had a lot of excitement about practicing Islaam, but the challenge was if I could do it on the streets. When I got to the

halfway house, I took pleasure in the fact that I was able to meet up with you all, and that you could really see how I have

changed. As with most people coming out of jail, people are skeptical about 'jailhouse Muslims' because they are seemingly

not real. I was determined to disprove that notion. You guys never judged me, but in my ignorance and lack of flexibility, I

think I scared you all a little bit! I mean, I remember coming around, and everybody felt like they had to hide what they

were doing, and I think I was cold to some of our friends that we grew up with, because I could only associate them with

that old life which I now detested, because I didn't want anything to do with anything to that life that destroyed me, and

was slowing destroying you, because you hadn't had a chance to escape from it. I was a little extreme, pouring out beer

that was in the refrigerator, and basically policing you guys! I regret all of that now, because I understand a little better

now. What I should have focused on was really talking to you all and giving you a better understanding of what Islaam is

about, and it is not necessarily based on a person's behavior, because if you ever felt turned off by Islaam because of how I

behaved, then know it was because of me, not because of Islaam! I mean, I wasn't all bad, because I think you guys did

respect how it really changed my life, and you saw the change. I remember on my passes from the halfway house, you and

I would catch the train down to Lindenwold to eat dinner together, and I would always stop over the house, and you were

there. You became the dispatcher of the house, regulating what was going on there. I know you respected the fact that all

you would see me do was pray, and you allowed Damir to pray with me (he may not remember that now). I remember how

I turned you on to halaal meat because I wanted some of your lasagna so bad, but I didn't want to eat that 'hit in the head

meat' as we call it, so I went and bought some halaal, and you were impressed as to how it cooked, and it tasted different.

All in all, we were rebuilding as a family, but you guys were still plagued by the old lifestyle, and I was blessed to have

escaped it for some time. Nevertheless, you still had a quality of homemaking about you that was remarkable, because

everybody knew they could leave their kids with you, and that they would be taken care of. It was honorable to see that; I

remember you took care of James' daughters, and showed them great manners, and how to respect their elders. I

remember you making all the kids sit down at the dinner table, and making them finish all of their food before they got

anything to drink. Wow, if only my kids could have met their Aunt Salty!! Maybe there was a purpose of you never having

met my kids, because I can see me dumping them off on you, taking advantage, because I know you would have NEVER turned them away! Even if you were busy, you would have found a way to accommodate me, because we loved each other,

and the love you had for kids as well.

Well, if you could see me now, I have matured a little. You were around when I got married the first time in 1996; I don't

think you really dug her too much, I know Mommy didn't, and I found out the hard way that I didn't really either! It was

over as fast as it started, and after 6 months, we were done!! However, Allaah blessed me with such a beautiful

replacement. Oh Salty, if you could have met my wife now, you would have loved her! And she would have loved you too; I

married her 4 months after you passed. I have 5 children of my own, and I am trying to raise them right. I know you would

have had a ball with them! You were doing well with your kids for the time that you had them, and I think of how they

8/8/2019 Hey Salt


would have turned out with you in their life now. Damir has your characteristics in that he is very likable; Quan got that

streak that you had, but he just don't have the heart that you have. You have two fine boys; Damir is 21 now!! Go figure! I

remember like it was yesterday when he was born, and I was too scared to show up at the hospital to be in the delivery

room! I feel like I failed you a little, because I haven't been able to be in their lives like I would have liked, and we owe that

to you to raise them up. Mommy and Christine took up that task though pretty well. I mean, I was there a little, but now I

have four boys of my own! Quan is 17 now, so he is embracing the physical part of manhood, and because I am just

coming into manhood myself as their uncle, I know they have a long way to go, and not really ever having a model willmake it even more difficult for them than it was for me, so that is where their challenge is.

On the surface, it seemed that your life was cut short in the tragic way that it ended. I remember exactly where I was when

I received the news; I was on the highway with one of my Muslim brothers and his family when Mommy paged me (cell

phones hadn't taken off the way they have now), with the 911 in the screen numerous times. So we immediately pulled

over. I remember I couldn't even fathom the words as I heard them over the phone, SALTY IS DEAD, the State Troopers

are here now, and you have get over here right away! It was almost as if it was a terrible prank, but the despondency in

Mommy's voice let me know that it was real! I went over there, and when I saw the police cruisers outside, it hit me. I went

inside, and Mommy was frantic, demanding answers and explanations from people who could not give them even if they

tried! Everyone was crying, and it was just a bad scene. I remember having to go over to the coroner to identify the body.

Our cousin Tyrone took me, and that image that they showed me on the screen, I will never forget it, because it was the

actual reminder of the ultimate reality of this life, and that is that death is the unwelcome, untimely stage that we all have

to go through. And as a Muslim, as tragic as it seemed as to how you died, I know that Allaah has already writteneverything that is supposed to happen, and everything that happens is supposed to happen exactly the way it happens;

your time was written to happen at that particular time under those particular circumstances, at that exact moment and

location, all of that was written already, and the reason why is with Allaah, because He does what He wills. That is what

carried me through your funeral procession, because everyone was wondering why they didn't see me crying outwardly,

and it was only because I grasped this concept early on, even before becoming a Muslim, being a first hand witness to

shootings in the street and actually seeing people die right in front of your eyes...very different from the movies! And as a

Muslim, I think about this concept everyday. However, as much as this concept is real to me, tears can't escape me now as

I reflect on how much I love and miss you. I am thankful that I had a chance to patch things up with you myself, because

we had an altercation , and I felt so bad about it because it was in front of my nieces and nephews, but I wrote you a

letter, and we squashed it. I am so thankful that I had that opportunity, because it eases the soul now, and it helps me to

deal with people better now. Anyone whom I encounter, no matter if I know them or not, is going to die, just as well as I

am, and if I go first, I want to leave in good standing with people, or if they go first, I want to know that there was no bad

blood, so I am very careful not to offend people, and if there is any inkling of bad behavior on my part, I try to correct it

immediately. Because the other concept is that death is not the final stage of the journey of the soul, and that is what

concerns me more now than anything, what state will my soul will be in. And that is something that i wished I had talked to

you more about now. Although you're gone, you are sorely missed, but the pleasure and honor I have had, having you as

my sister, teacher, guardian, and hero will never be gone! Thanks, I love you for that!

Your little brother,

Faheem

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