Helping your 6 to 9 year old develop skills for co-operation and

self-management

Dr. Virginia Bourget, psychologist

CHEO CONNECTS, Nov 28/2011

Discipline: What? Why?

• Education and practice

• Guidance

• Achievement of long-term goals

Setting the Stage: Attachment

•Bond between the child and his/her adult attachment figures

•Children seek attachment to fulfill basic survival needs

•Caregiver sensitivity and responsiveness lead to secure attachment

Setting the Stage: Attachment

• Attachments can be created and strengthened throughout life

• Children who are securely attached want to be like their attachment figures

• They also want to please the adults to whom they are attached

Setting the Stage: Routine

• Children learn best in the context of predictable routines

•Routines provide a road map for self-regulation•Eating•Sleeping•Screen time

Setting the Stage: Clear Expectations

• Begins with the understanding that children’s skills develop in

a positive direction over time

• Model behaviour that is expected in your family

• Clearly define for your child what is expected and what is not

acceptable

Understanding the 6-9 year old

• Adapting to the school environment is important developmental challenge

• Peers and others outside the home become increasingly important

• Physical and intellectual skills promote independence

Executive Function Skills

• Higher cognitive functions that allow us to regulate our behaviour

• Work towards longer-term goals• Plan, organize• Problem-solve• Manage our emotions• Self-monitor

• Developmental• Indications of executive skill in 6-9 year olds?

Teaching Children Executive Skills (Plan-Do-Review)

1. Describe the problem behaviours2. Set a goal3. Establish steps towards goal4. Supervise as the child follows the procedure5. Evaluate the process and make changes if

necessary6. Fade the supervision

Facilitating Skills for Co-operation

• Use as few commands as possible• One clear, realistic command at a time• Polite and positive (start not stop)• Allow time for compliance, warnings • “When-then”• Provide options• Follow through

Using Praise Effectively

• Notice your child’s positive behaviours

• Descriptive praise provides a ‘road map’ for desired behaviour

• Don’t imply criticism for past mistakes

Using Incentives Effectively

• Work with your child to establish rewards that will enhance motivation

• Rewards should not be expensive and they are most effective when they involve spending time together

• Progress towards goals/rewards should be indicated clearly and acknowledged

• The plan should include short-term goals

It Takes Two to Argue

Why do children seem to argue so much?Why is it hard for parents to disentangle themselves from this

process?

• Some parental decisions do not need to be explained• Children deserve to be heard• Listening and supporting does not mean giving up parental

authority• Children can co-operate, even if they don’t agree

Collaborative Problem Solving

• Kids do well if they can• Difficulty with co-operation seen as a skills deficit• Designed to be simple

1. Empathy Step “What’s up?”2. Define the Problem Step3. The Invitation Step

Natural and Logical Consequences• It’s always best to build positive behaviours, rather than try to

eliminate negative behaviours (rewards more effective than punishments)

• Be sure child has the skills required to meet expectations• Clear “If-then” statements…. “If you fight over the controller,

then the game goes away”• Discuss possible consequences ahead of time and be sure they

are non-punitive and brief• Try not to step in to ‘protect’ child from consequences, i.e. being

late for school or not doing homework

Resources

• Executive Skills in Children and Adolescents, 2nd Edition Peg Dawson and Richard Guare

• The Explosive child , Revised Ross W. Greene• How to Behave So Your Children Will Too!

Sal Severe• The Incredible Years

Carolyn Webster-Stratton• Skills Training for Children with Behavior Problems

Michael L. Bloomquist• Stop Arguing with Your Kids

Michael P. Nichols