Helping Clients Overcome Offenses and Resentments

Helping Clients Overcome Offenses and Resentments

Michele D. Aluoch, LPCCRiver of Life Professional Counseling LLC

c. 2013

Stages of Grief• Shock• Disorganization• Searching Behavior• Emotional Components• Despair• Guilt-real or imagined, what if? What could I have done? I wish

I could have done more.• Anger- at person for their sickness/death, anger with yourself for being about your own business

Stages of Grief• Anxiety-what now?, feeling of loss of control over your emotions• Jealousy- of others who don’t have to go through loss• Shame-don’t want to admit true feelings of loss – what it means• Aggression/Protest- doctors & nurses, family members who did not help, God for “letting it happen”

• Letting Go- final goodbye, not searching, acceptance of new reality• Reintegration- reassigning meaning to symbolic

experiences

The Six Needs of MourningWolfelt, 2004

• Accept the reality of the death.• Let yourself feel the pain of the loss.• Remember the person who died.• Develop a new self identity.• Search for meaning.• Let others help you- now and always.

Grief and Locus Of Control

• Higher external locus of control associated with greater sense of hopelessness.• External locus of control associated with worse grief outcomes.• Moms/females tended to have higher external locus of control

than men.• However, repression of emotions as in men associated with

much higher physical problems (cardiac arrest and heart attacks following grief).

Depressive factors• Attribution to stable global factors• Inference of negative events• Inference of negative things about self

Tasks(Janzen,L., Cadell, S., & Westhues, A., 2003-2004)

1. Reconstructing the death scene2. Regaining a sense of control over shattered assumptions3. Saying good bye4. Making sense of what happened5. Carrying the deceased forward symbolically

Meaning Making in Grief• Clients present in terms of stories, narratives, and myths

• Learning to adjust what is “true”

• Exists in culture: 1. stories, narratives, mythsand 2. nonverbal communication

• Meaning making : both within each client as well as the therapeutic exchange.

• Not automatically important to everyone

• Gender differences- men seen as more attractive if less extreme grief symptoms but women seen as more attractive if open and

sharing

Meaning Making in Grief

• Clients present in terms of stories, narratives, and myths

• Learning to adjust what is “true”

• Exists in culture: 1. stories, narratives, mythsand 2. nonverbal communication

• Meaning making : both within each client as well as the therapeutic exchange.

• Not automatically important to everyone

• Gender differences- men seen as more attractive if less extreme grief symptoms but women seen as more attractive if open and

sharing

Meaning Making in GriefKEYS

• Grief is as varied as each individual.

• Expression is better than denial.

• Expression may include a range of things unique to each individual.

• Gender roles play a part- men tend to be more private and repressive while women encouraged to be open.

• Social support is an essential element.

• Avoidance is top problem and concern in terms of maladaptive responses.

• Recovery involves building grief into existing structure of one’s life.

• Requires cognitive reframing- not losing but redefining.

• Flexibility between and within individuals is required. (time, style, resources needed)

• Seeing grief as an ability to broaden one’s perspective

Developing Narratives• Use the words “grief accounts” instead of “grief stories”

• Assist in meeting roles of: mourning and returning to life

• Practice grief (ex: self eulogy, reality- beginning, middle, and end of stories)

• Restorative narrative- should be designed to fix, cure, and heal

• By end of story should be some new activities aimed at coping with the grief in productive ways

Good Grieving- TherapyAltmaier, E. M. (January 2011)

Larsen, D., Edey, W., Lemay, L. (December 2007).

• Grief as part of the human experience rather than as something to be mended

• Focus on good which comes out of bad• Solution focus• Addresses: images and thoughts, separation, grief feelings• Trust to allow the story to come forth• Increased sense of spirituality or good in spite of loss• Instills hope- the story is ongoing- 15%

Feelings To Deal With• Anger• Hurt or pain• Betrayal• Sadness• Confusion Bewilderment• Upset• Disappointed/let down• Hatred• Frustration• Depression

Feelings To Deal With

• Identify The Client’s Feelings As you see them in each scenario. •1) I can’t believe that my friend who

I’ve known since childhood did that! After all those years I never would have guessed. I thought I knew him better. How can I ever trust him again when I didn’t even see this coming?

Feelings To Deal With• 2) I thought my home would be a safe place but I found out it

wasn’t. If it wasn’t for my mom’s boyfriends coming in and having their way with me then it was the domestic fights between my mom and dad. And I never got the opportunity to live in a quiet, safe neighborhood either. If not violence inside there were random gunshots and crimes outside. I never knew where I was safe . I still don’t know what safe is. How will I ever know? Life is awful and unsafe. No one can be trusted. And trying to be the good kid in school and at home doesn’t help either. Even if you study hard, clean your room and behave you are abused. Life is unfair and cruel.

Feelings To Deal With• 3) I can never do things right. I tried so hard but it seems I

always fail. I put my all into things but they don’t work out.

• 4) She was never there for me but she was my mom after all. I had to raise myself . Even as a young child I cooked food and took care of my brothers and sisters while she was out on the streets doing her thing. I cleaned the house so no one could tell how bad things really were. I had to grow up before my time. I never got to be a kid. Why did mom get to do what she pleased but I had to be the grown up she wasn’t acting like a grown up herself? Now I missed out on so much and I’m angry and bitter.

Feelings To Deal With• 5) My biological parents gave me up for adoption. Now they

want to meet me. They said they were young and did what they believed was the best chance for me in life. But growing up not knowing who you really are or why you are unwanted does not feel like the best chance to me. They expect me to just forgive and move on though I went through so much self doubt, rejection, abandonment. They were living their lives . They didn’t try. They didn’t make me a priority.

Feelings To Deal With• 6) My bosses are always against me. I have been on 20 jobs in

the last year and they always find something to fire me for. They let other people get away with things but not me. I’m sure my next boss will just be the same. You can only get ahead in life if you are the best friend of the company owner.

• 7) Every day it is another surprise. All my friends are dying. I have one loss after another. Life gives me more than my share of issues. There is no end in sight. Other people get a break but not me. I guess some people just get lucky and some people never get anything.

Cognitions of Offenses

• Discouraging thoughts about the offender• Questioning: why did the offender do it?• Why did this happen to me?• Thoughts of revenge• Thoughts of relationship termination• Why the offender should not have done this to begin

with• Thoughts of forgiveness• Thoughts of distrust

Most Critical Factors to Consider in Relational Offenses

Beckenbach, J., Patrick, S., & Sells, J. (2010)

• The immediate topic • The history of arguments• The nature of conflict between the two parties• Family of origin or historical factors in these issues• Use of defenses and self preservation techiques- perpetuates

offenses

Inspiring Hope Cutcliffe, J.R.. (2006)

• Through connecting in the therapeutic context• Through helping process emotions with the

client until there is a release• Throughout assisting the client in coming up with

an alternative ending

Hope Versus Want and Desire• Want/Desire• May or may not happen• May or may not be manageable and achievable• May or may not have the skills to attain the goal

• Hope• Able to be attained by the hopeful person• Skill base is there or can be easily gotten• Possible and realistic to achieve• Able to access resources

Hopeful ElementsCutcliffe, J.R.. (2006)

• Connectedness- self and others• Uplifting memories• Cognitive strategies• Spiritual or philosophical beliefs which support hope• Refocusing of time and energy• Purposeful activities• Ability to tolerate ebb and flow• Atmosphere of acceptance

WATCH WHERE YOU PUT YOUR BUTS:

Unpleasant feelings BUT Positive self statement,Concerns Strengths based commentWorriesIrrational thoughtsQuestions/Doubts

Counseling Techniques

• Visualizations and guided imagery- fantasy of what the relationship with the child would look like.

• Narrative therapy- letters to their child, note and their hopes and dreams for that child, if ongoing- scrapbooks at various stages

• Psychoeducation-types of procedures available, community resources, common reactions to infertility, options

• Behavioral therapy- help client set other options of personal goals, review and renewal of commitment to the marriage, planning for long term- next 5 years and setting sub goals (with/without parenting)

Counseling Techniques

• Skill building- communication skills, attending, empathy, paraphrasing

• Cognitive reframing- lovemaking as opposed to making babies

• Cognitive therapy: a) Dealing with cultural expectations- (e.g. “how many?” and “when?” instead of “if?”), 48% of women

and 15% of men= “most painful”, b) Family of origin expectations

• Assertiveness and boundary setting with others

• Parenting skill development with any other children

Forgiveness AssessmentIs reconciliation a necessary part of forgiveness?

Is apology necessary before you would forgive someone?

Is it necessary to forget the hurt when you forgive someone?

Do you see forgiveness as primarily a religious concept?

Is it possible to forgive someone without that person being aware of it?

Forgiveness Assessment

Do you feel guilty if you do not forgive someone?

Is it possible to forgive someone?

Is it possible to forgive yourself?

Is forgiveness more helpful for the person who was hurt than the person who did the hurting?

Can forgiveness cause emotional problems?

Do you think you have a moral responsibility to forgive?

Forgiveness Assessment• Does forgiving someone excuse their hurtful behavior?

• Can forgiveness occur if a hurtful action is still happening?

• Are religious people more forgiving?

• Do you see yourself as more forgiving than others?

• Is it easier to forgive a friend/family member than a stranger?

• Does anger decrease when forgiveness takes place?

Forgiveness Assessment• Is it easier to forgive a friend/family member than a stranger?

• Does anger decrease when forgiveness takes place? Are you more likely to forgive someone who has made a major life change?

• Do you see forgiveness as a weakness?

• Does forgiveness justify a hurtful behavior?

Forgiveness Assessment• Does forgiveness automatically restore trust?

• Is it possible to be both angry and forgiving about a situation at the same time?

• Was forgiveness used often in your family?

• Do you believe people should be forgiven more than once for doing the same hurtful action repeatedly?

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?

• Did you make a conscious decision to forgive? If so, how did you arrive at that decision? Can you trace the reasoning that led you to decision to forgive?

• Did you experience—at any point before, during, or after the making of the decision lo forgive—a changed emotional state that you would define as emotionally forgiving the person who harmed you?• Did your Christian beliefs, values, community, or friends play any part in your decision and experience of forgiveness? If so, how?• What benefits (if any) have you experienced from having forgiven,and explain whether (and if so, how) your offender benefited?

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?

No:• Offense was too big’• Risk for re-offending• Nature of the offense• Personal preferences/what I will or will not

tolerate• Psychological distress level

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?Williamson, I., & Gonzales, M. H. (2007)

Positive Regard for Offender Subscale5. Lets me see the good side of the other person, despite his or her offense. 8. Allows me to sympathize with the other person. 14. Enables me to empathize with the other person’s motives, needs, and reasons for doing what he or she did. 16. Helps to restore feelings of love and caring in my relationship with the other person. 19. Makes the other person’s action’s more understandable.


Religious–Expressive Subscale6. Reflects a humble submission to God, who always forgives us. 9. Allows me to express God’s love. 20. Enables me to act as Jesus would want me to act. 21. Makes it possible for God to work through me. 23. Is an opportunity to model or identify with Jesus.

To Forgive Or Not To Forgive?Williamson, I., & Gonzales, M. H. (2007)Self–Transformation Subscale12. Enables me to look at myself differently than before. 13. Enables me to find a larger meaning in life. 15. Transforms me into a different and better person. 17. Enables me to adopt a larger perspective, to see the “bigpicture.” 22. Is an opportunity to gain wisdom and knowledge.


Relief of Psychological Pain Subscale2. Relieves the sadness I feel. 4. Eliminates the discomfort (e.g. pain, sadness, anger) I feelwhenever I see the other person. 10. Helps me to feel happier in general.

Four Key Components in Overcoming OffensesBeckenbach, J., Patrick, S., & Sells, J. (2010)

Justice Empathy

Trust Forgiveness

Areas Which Hinder Forgiveness

• Black and white thinking• Cognitive Inflexibility• Lack of empathy• Lack of putting things in context• Lack of willingness to abandon one’s point of view• A strict method of justice, grace, etc.• Those who ruminate and justify resentment, anger, bitterness,

etc.

Collectivist Mindset and ForgivenessHook, J. N., Worthington Jr., E. L., Utsey,S. O., Davis, D. E., &

Burnette, J. L. (April 2012).• Fosters forgiveness more than those with an individualized mindset• Goals: Interpersonal harmony, reconciliation instead of personal feelings of peace and

happinessCollectivism• a social pattern consisting of closely linked individuals who • (a) see themselves as connected with the collective in which they are members; • (b) are motivated primarily by the social norms and duties of their collective; • (c) place more importance on collective goals than on their own personal goals; and • (d) emphasize their connectedness to other members of the collective.Individualism• a social pattern consisting of loosely linked individuals who • (a) see themselves as relatively independent from the collective in which they• are members; • (b) are motivated primarily by their own preferences, needs,• rights, or contracts they have made with others;• (c) place more importance on personal than collective goals; and • (d) tend to make decisions on whether to associate with others on an analysis of costs and

benefits to the individual.

Offenses and ChildrenMcAdams III, C. R., Dewell, J. A., & Holman, A. R.

• Children are egocentric• Children react by becoming erratic and disorganized• Possibility of long term adjustment problems including

reactive attachment disorder• Testing security and trust in all relationships• Internalized rage- behavioral problems

Types of Forgiveness Theories• Developmental/Process Theories

• Specific Theoretical Orientation Techniques

Common ElementsI. Intra-individual and inter-personal

Within the selfBetween the self and others, relational

II. Regarding a perceived transgressor/transgression

NOTE: perceived versus actual transgressor- individual self and desired self, self and other, two parties each with some responsibility, groups

Common ElementsIII. Has disrupted appropriate social interactions

IV. Requires a shift in emotions from bitterness, anger, hared, toward more positive feelings, thoughts and behaviors

V. Involves some plan of dealing with accepting or modifying behaviors based on perceived injustices

VI. Involves freedom in communication “To be able to say without resentment, “I feel sad that our

relationship is going this way and this is what I would like from here..” (Karen,R.-2001)

Hindrances To Forgiveness• Poor role modeling of family with regard to emotional expression,

sharing, and/or problem solving

• Codependency

• Communication difficulties- avoidance, anger, reactivity, holding things in, passive aggressive communication

• Extreme cognitions and black and white thinking- good/bad, right/wrong, all at fault versus not at fault

• A childhood where parents were seen as always “right”

• A childhood where children lived in fear of the parents’ reactions so they could never share their feelings

Perceptions of Counselors Versus Average Person/Client

Counselors/theorists Avg. person/client• Cognitive commitment to Do the work of forgiveness

forgive initiates the treatment and then decide later aboutand forgiveness process commitment to forgive

• Commitment to forgive is an Commitment to forgive is “easier” early stage the most important part ofthe entire forgiveness process and also the most difficult.

• Bearing the pain is necessary Have to act civil but don’tand positive step in healing have to bear injustices if not client’s responsibility

• Social support systems necessary Social supports necessaryduring the deeper work phases of to even start and go throughforgiveness every phase of forgiveness

General findings from Current Research:Spirituality & Forgiveness

Significant differences in forgiveness styles and patterns between those calling themselves born again (B.A.) and others (on self report measures):

• 1) greater percentages B.A. feel guilty if they do not forgive

• 2) a greater percentage of B.A. consider forgiveness a moral obligation


• 3) a significantly higher percentage of B.A. people are willing to forgive someone else who has wronged them when they know the other is undergoing a major life event/change

• 4) B.A. saw forgiveness less in terms of personal choice and more in terms of moral responsibility, moral obligation, and Biblical mandate

• 5) most significant result: largest differences found between B.A. and others re. willingness to forgive repeat offenders


Research results between religious and non-religious people

(according to self report):

• 1) “religious” say that reconciliation is the goal whereas “nonreligious” are more likely to acceptance of other as the goal

• 2) “religious” tend to see reconciliation as always or most often a very helpful and emotionally cleansing process whereas “nonreligious” see reconciliation as not always necessary and even potentially emotionally damaging.

Forgiveness and Spirituality• Considered important and necessary by many Christians and

people of faith• Spirituality is embedded in the person’s narratives of self and

relationships• Decisions al forgiveness verses emotional forgiveness

Research Results Continued:Gender & Forgiveness

• 1) Women who were more religious and scored higher on empathy scales were more inclined to forgive.

• 2) Gender issues affecting forgiveness: women- guilt proneness, anger reduction, and detachment and men- age, shame proneness, and pride.

• 3) Defining forgiveness: women see process of forgiveness as vital to successful relationships and men see it as helpful but not necessary for maintenance of relationship.

• 4) Women are more likely to view forgiveness as obligatory and men are more likely to view forgiveness as situational.

Research Results Continued: Age & Forgiveness

• 1) Older people generally more likely to forgive.

• 2) Older women are more likely to forgive than older men.

• 3) Older women are more likely to forgive than younger women.

Research Results Continued: Age & Forgiveness

• Selfism- people internally focused on self, people who detach when things get rough in relationships, and people with poor emotional coping skills; repeatedly shown that selfish negatively correlates with forgiveness

• Empathy-repeatedly shown to facilitate forgiveness and also to be present in people who are willing and able to demonstrate higher levels of forgiveness, perspective taking, and reconciliation

Emotional Factors in Forgiveness Cont

• Shame- Found to be the more generally “male” style while “guilt” is the generally “female” style according to research. Shame- sees problems as global, negative deficits in the entire self and enduring defects of a person. Negatively correlated with forgiveness. Considered connected to both higher degrees of unforgiveness of self and others, more irrational anger, and more external blame towards others.

• Guilt- Found to be the more generally “female” style while “shame” is found to be the more generally “male” style. Guilt- focuses on the behavior, assists in forgiveness- separating out action from personhood. Positively correlated with forgiveness. Considered more adaptive following an offense.

Emotional Components Continued

• Adaptive pride- Associated with higher self esteem. Correlates highly with forgiveness. A person with high adaptive pride sees himself or herself as socially responsible for the well being of the relationship. High levels of adaptive pride in men were generally associated with higher forgiveness.


• Cognitive adaptibility- Regardless of how many rejection wounds in the past those who were more able to forgive were more willing to take a risk being turned away because they did not want to conceive of the possibility of not being together again. They were able to muster the strength to cognitively focus on the positives in spite of the negatives. Our greatest hurts are by the closest of intimates- refocus on this closeness. Another measure of cognitively adaptability demonstrated to correlate highly with forgiveness is the ability to separate personhood from action. Finally, those who were better at perspective taking were generally better at achieving higher levels of forgiveness.


• Emotional restrictiveness- People who have a tendency to not allow themselves to feel or admit any unpleasant feelings or to polarize these as “evil” are less likely to genuinely forgive and reach higher levels of forgiveness and reconciliation. “Denial of negative feelings”

• (Karen, R.-2001) actually hinders self forgiveness and other forgiveness. In addition, those who do all they can to not mourn actually promote complicated grief and hinder mourning in addition to complicating the recovery process.


• The blaming personality- Those who tend to see things as everyone else’s fault actually tend to not mourn because they do not believe they ever have anything to mourn over. Blame renounces responsibility and dries up tears. Blame also is associated with generalities- (“they” all become exactly like the one who hurt me). This goes both for self forgiveness and other forgiveness.

• Mourning- Those who allow themselves freedom to mourn tend to be more loving.

Mechanisms Involved In Forgiveness

• Approaching- the offense• Avoiding- the negative rumination, revenge and bitterness

which keeps someone “bound”

Approach

Avoidance

Four Types of Reactions to OffensesDr. Janis Abrahms-Spring (2004) Page10

Cheap Forgivenes

s

Refusing to Forgive

Acceptance

Forgiveness

Cheap Forgiveness• Individuals quickly do an action to behaviorally seem as if they have

absolved someone but does nothing to foster genuine interpersonal healing and improved relational dynamics

• Considered inauthentic, cover for hatred and contempt and other emotions not dealt with

• Premature

• No processing of emotions

• Common among those who want to keep relationship at any cost:(E.g. Overly compliant, conflict avoiders, codependent caretakers)

• Can lead to moral superiority

• May set hurt party up for health and emotional problems

Refusing To Forgive• When you think forgiveness is not possible without reconciliation

• To send a clear signal that you won’t accept a violation

• Control and punishment based

• Fosters sense of impotence and invulnerability

• Common in people with all or nothing polarized thinking

Acceptance• Feels all the emotions and does not bypass the

emotional work of the wounded party

• Promotes healthy self care- overcome revenge, ensuring your safety, restoring self worth, resisting obsession

• Especially when the offender is not an active part of healing process

• When reconciliation is not healthy or possible

• Able to empathize with the offender

• Looks at both parties parts in things

Genuine Forgiveness• “An intimate dance between offender and the offended”

• Offender recognizes and verbalizes need to be forgiven

• Each takes responsibility for his or her part

• To assess the injury together and reprocess

• Not just automatic but is work and is earned, conditional

• Offender express genuine remorse and specific plan to avoid behavior in the future

• Offender hears the depth of the pain caused and listens to the offended then works to make amends and get the relationship back on track

• Allows for detailed discussion of all parts of the pain without debating or cutting off or correcting the other’s experience/perception

• Involves behavioral requests and responses

Ingredients of a Good Apology• 1)With responsibility for each persons’ part in the offense.

• 2) Personal: (When ___ happened you felt ____. You needed _____ and in the future you hope for _______).

• 3) Specific behavior plan for the future- how we will handle triggers again.

• 4) Deep apology, not just surface level.

• 5) Genuineness in interactions

• 6) Direct apology without a bunch of other stuff

Examples of Bad ApologiesAvoid:• Sorry.• I am sorry for whatever hurt you.• What else do you want now?• I am just like this. This is how I am but I am sorry.• This is my personality, culture, etc. It is not likely to change.• I’ll say I’m sorry if it will help but I don’t know why.• I cannot believe you need me to apologize for that.• I am sorry for ___ BUT ….

Cognitive Models of Forgiveness &Object Transformation(e.g.- Cioni,P.F.-2007)

• Unforgiveness/Woundedness (Revenge Based Cognitions)

• Versus Forgiveness (Changing Cognitive Attributes and Perspectives)

Object TransformationNegative Cognitions• Violation occurs• Negative emotions follow• “I will get even”,” I want

revenge”, “They will not get away w/this”,”He/she must pay for this”. I can’t stand this pain”,” I cannot tolerate this, “I must get even.”

• The object-image changes from friend to enemy.

• Aggressive energy is directed toward the object which produces inner conflict.

Forgiveness-Based Cognitions• Violation occurs• Negative emotions follow• I will choose to forgive this

person. The violation no longer has control over me.

• Negative emotions are alleviated.

• The object-image is less threatening or remains non-threatening. Freedom from inner conflict. is enhanced, peace restored, and life renewed.

TransformationBlocher, W.G., & Wade, N,G.

(January 2010)• a process of changes• Inside the one who perceives the offense• three areas: cognition, emotions, and behaviors toward the

offender. • Two mechanisms: 1) reduction of negative thoughts,

emotions, and behaviors that include the pain, hurt, anger,• bitterness, and any desires for revenge that result from the

hurt; and (2) increase of positive thoughts, feelings, and prosocial behaviors toward the offender (e.g. compassion, understanding, love, mercy, or simply a feeling of pity

Hope-focused Marriage Enrichment(Ripley,J.S. & Worthington,E.L., Jr.- 2002)

• 1. Teach clients to promote at least a 5 to 1 positive to negative interaction ratio.• 2. Teach empathy- First person speaks followed by a

valuing empathy statement of the second person before second person responds.• 3. LOVE- L=listen to your partner

O=observe your effects on your partner V=value your partner

E=evaluate common interests• 4.Incorporate intimacy building exercises (e.g. Gestalt

moving closer, solution focused interchanges and valuing statements)• 5. Coupes write a love letter to each other.

Empathy-Centered Forgiveness-Based Intervention- Continued

Therapeutic Tasks:

• Ask each person in the family or group or relationship to describe from his/her point of view and facilitate hearing and empathy by others

• Follow up with assisting others to think based on the initial comments about what may please the first communicator (perspective taking)

• Help the “group” speak to common feelings and perception

• Facilitate each admitting his/her part and verbalizing commitment to ongoing healthy relationship

Empathy-Centered Forgiveness-Based Intervention

(Ripley,J.S. & Worthington,E.L., Jr.- 2002)

Five parts:

• 1. Empathize with the offender to promote forgiveness.

• 2. Humility (choice of the offended) as the offended recalls times when he/she has received forgiveness from the person who offended them.

• 3. Shift from blame and resentment to willingness to forgive.

• 4. Commitment aloud to forgive the offender.

• 5. Maintenance- discussion of how the offender may prove him/herself on an ongoing basis.

Developing An Attitude of Humility

“ I see my offender’s motivations and understand his or her point of view. I feel what he or she might have

been feeling. Further, I have felt similar feelings. I see that I have done things or wanted to do things as

wicked as the other person. In those instances of my own weakness, I would like to have forgiveness

extended to me. I want mercy for my own foibles. Who am I to demand justice for this person when I

want mercy for myself? I know that the other person is needy. I want to help this person. I want to release

him or her from the hate, anger, and desire for retribution that I feel. That is the decent thing to do.

That is the right thing to do.”

Attachment Theory Models of Forgiveness(Lawler-Row, K.A., Younger, J.W., Piferi, R.L, & Jones,

W.H.- 2006)

• Secure attachment styles associated with forgiveness.

• Linked to degree to which people can:• Tolerate negative affect• Experience pain• Communicate feelings• Reframe the offender• Have better internal emotional regulation• Demonstrate broader emotional expressiveness• Have less idealized expectations and more flexibility in

relationship interactions

• Insecurely attached: avoidance, difficulty working through the relationship, physiological problems

Process Models Of Forgiveness

The Empathic Dialectical Reframing Model(Berecz, J.M.-2001)

Three “R”s:• Rapport• Reframing• Release

Empathic Dialectical Reframing Model

(Continued)Rapport

• Counselor’s responsibilities are strong here- counselor as psychoeducational teacher

• Counselor to teach idea of “empathy as dialectic imagination”- talk to client about learning a way of moving away from self perception being applied onto other (transgressor) toward reaching outward toward other instead

• Counselor to teach empathy and perspective taking skills and move client away from chronic self focus inward

Empathic Dialectical Reframing Model (Continued)

Reframing

• Assist one of the parties in making a statement to break the cycle of unforgiveness and selfish (e.g. “I know we have recently not been understanding each other very well but I would like for us to try and hear each other better so we can have a more peaceful home.”)

• Reframing in terms of a cooperative problem solving solution-focused team venture.

Empathic Dialectical Reframing Model (Continued)Release

• NOTE: Berecz talks of “release” instead of “reconciliation”

• Belief that in some cases it may be “psychologically harmful” to try and reconcile (repeated infidelity of a spouse, abuse, addiction)

• Allows for disjunctive forgiveness whereby the offended can “accept” the understanding of the personhood, context, and personality issues of the transgressor but the offended can move on without letting them have a hold on the hurt party.

• Releasing bitterness even if there will never be reconciliation or if the offender never repents or apologizes.

• Helpful when the transgressor refuses to change his or her ways and sees nothing wrong even when you know what the offender did was wrong.

Contextual Therapy(Murray,R.J.-2002, based on Hargrave, T.D.-1994)

• Four Stations

• Station 1 &2 = Exoneration (attempts at removing culpability and ending condemnation toward the wrongdoer)

• 1) Insight• Understanding of possible casual factors• Minimizes future damage in relationship• Looks at objective facts

• 2) Understanding• The wrongdoers limitations, development, efforts, and possible

intents• Placing things in larger context• Looks at subjective experiences and motivational factors

Contextual Therapy Continued• Station 3 & 4= Forgiveness (actions regarding responsibility,

wrongdoer admitting his/her part and trust being re-established)

• 3) Opportunity for Compensation• Re-entering the relationship in a new way• Victim must agree to have the pain addressed by the

perpetrator and allow self to be healed• Victim must decide if he/she is willing to trust the perpetrator

and to what degree in the future• Addressing interactional systems patterns

Contextual Therapy Continued• 4) Overt Forgiving

• Relational ethics applied- what entitled to receive versus what obligated to give

• Defining what the relationship will look like from here

Intentional Forgiving(Ferch, S.R.- Summer1998)

• Largely cognitive based• Primary burden placed on the counselor as facilitator and educator • Forgiveness seen as an act of the will by the client and a deliberate

decision to work through emotions and have mutual respect for the other person

• Does not necessarily have to involve the offender but seen as more successful if it does involve the offender

• Two phases:• 1) Psyhoeducation

Intentional Forgiving• Phase One: Psychoeducation

• Considered the preliminary work• Counselor responsible for setting the client up and assisting

him/her in understanding the work of forgiveness• Forgiveness framed as a choice• Reconciliation seen as possible and intentional when it wound

be healthy

Intentional ForgivingSteps of Phase One:• 1) Teach client that forgiveness is a choice.• 2) Frame as a process.• 3) Assist the client in receiving the offense. Forgive because you

will remember the offense. Allow and facilitate grief and mourning.

• 4) Forgive for yourself, not the offender.• 5) Help the client conceptualize forgiveness in light of both mercy

and justice.• 6) Help client understanding and differentiate between the intent

of a person and his/her actions and to consider possible positive intent.

• 7) Help the client permit the re-evaluation and modification of relationship when necessary.

Intentional Forgiving Continued:Face To Face Interactions With The Offender

Steps of Phase Two:• 1) can be phone call or letter or in person• 2) not for use with possible re-offenders• 3) not for use if offender does not seem to buy into tenants of

intentional forgiveness• 4) use body language and positioning- facing each other, open

posture, welcoming facial expressions, and calm open tones of voice• 5) assist the client in naming the offender’s behavior while assisting

the offender in listening (do not allow for excuses)• 6) be directive toward the client’s engaging the offender’s care,

concern, and loving expression toward the client• 7) help the offender ask forgiveness directly• 8) help the client respond specifically by offering forgiveness• 9) teach less defensive ways of communication between the two

parties (e.g. I statements)• 10) use therapeutic touch and positioning between the parties when

appropriate to affirm closeness again and openness to redeveloping sense of “us”

Enright & Fitzgibbons Studies: Process Model

• Four stages of forgiveness:• 1) Uncovering• 2) Decision• 3) Work• 4) Outcome

• Uncovering- explore past grievances and areas that need forgiveness, regrets, and disappointments

• Decisions- Examine the consequences of holding on to past hurts versus letting them go

• Work stage- Helping process with the client the thoughts, feelings, and images regarding forgiveness of the key issue(s)

• Outcome- Create a ritual between the client and other for providing closure to this process and plan for dealing with things from here

General Findings: Process-Based Theories

• Earlier stages in most developmental theories= cognitive focused but advanced stages of forgiveness require empathy and emotion-based techniques.

• Meta-Analysis Studies

• Strictly cognitive (decision based and will power enhancing) approaches are not enough and did not produce authentic forgiveness or maintain gains in the long term. However, process-based techniques (both individuals and group) showed extremely large effect sizes in meta-analysis studies. Need for techniques combining cognitive and affective/emotive techniques.

• Systems theories also facilitated forgiveness and showed greater outcomes, likely related to the degree of perspective taking incorporated.

Clinical Issues: Forgiveness With Children

• 1) Feelings Faces• identifying feelings• play therapies- drawing self- highlighting where angry, anxious

fearful,etc.• normalizing (work with collateral sources)• expressing feelings in appropriate ways

• (e.g. “I Messages”)• behavioral therapies

• 2) Feelings Box• special place for kids to put feelings and concerns in and then

discuss in therapy

Clinical Issues:Forgiveness With Children

• 3) Behavioral relaxation for physical tensions

• 4) Mutual Storytelling- Help child to tell story with the characters and feelings but reframe as ongoing as still shaped by certain factors in child’s control, writing book of techniques learned in counseling

• 4) Sentence completion exercises re. worries, fears, wishes, etc. then use cognitive-behavioral to process through

Clinical Christian & Pastoral Counseling Approaches

• Pierre Balthasar (2007): • Father Images and God Images

• Those with inadequate father/parental/guardian images sruggled with the God aspect of forgiveness and believing that they could hand over control to someone who would be just, caring, and merciful.

• Highlights importance of context in therapy

• Incorporate family systems and healing of childhood wounds in therapy for these individuals (e.g. LSQ)

The Core Issue: DifferentiationHill, W.E., Hasty, C., And Moore, C. J. ( 2011 )

• Differentiation:• The ability to connect with others without being emotionally too

reactive or defensive • Connection with self regulation (no extremes of accommodating or

disconnecting- codependency)• Interdependence• Placing situations in context• Not taking everything personally• Ability to tolerate ambiguity• Forgiveness as process• Humility and brokenness with empathy for the offender• Predictive of less anxiety and depression, less psychological problems

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Documents

Helping Clients Overcome Offenses and Resentments