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8/6/2019 Heading Home
1/12
Erika Lloyd
March 18, 2011
Heading Home
The jagged jaw is crushing, pressing, masticating; one row of teeth after another row of
teeth gyrating, chewing and grinding the next row of teeth. I stare at the mighty jaw, poised to
take a gentle step forward. I shiver as the next row of teeth grinds the ones before it into the
black gums, and I hesitate. You might, too. You might draw one foot back, and shuffle from side
to side, feeling the hesitation turn your face hot red, like chewing cinnamon gum when the heat
rushes to the back of your tongue, with your teeth clenching and grinding the hot and sweet pulp
between your teeth. I stare up at the metal monster towering over me two hundred feet into the
air, and my breath clenches in my throat like Ive swallowed the cinnamon gum.
The escalator looks as if its ready to snatch me up and tear off my limbs and it is as if I
am six years old again, pulling on my stark white Easter dress, chewing gum on the muggy
church porch while trying to get past Jimmy Anderson in the church door.
Jimmy is staring at me, and he blocks my escape; the door frame does not support his six
hundred pound body. His one lazy eye rolls to the side, observes me and doesnt observe me, all
at the same time. He arches his neck and hisses like a snake as his body shifts four hundred
pounds to the left. His red hair mattes over his eyes and sticks up in odd spikes, like prairie grass
trying to escape a prairie fire. Touches of grey spot the ends of his hair.
Ones things for sure he drawls, adding an s to every word.
I wanted to shove past him into the churchs lobby. You might be scared to shove past
him into the churchs lobby because you have to go pee. You might be scared to ignore him, like
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I was. You might be scared that your god, or your parents, would give you a speech about loving
your neighbor and being kind to the needy. At six, a lot of things scare you, and Jimmy did scare
me.
Stead I just lost me hand Jimmy creeps forward on his walker, and shoves even more
of his massive frame into the doorway. His bulbous body leans on the walker. The aluminum
strains under the pressure. The rubber pegs on the legs creak and grind into the churchs white
linoleum lobby.
I shift from side to side, bored with what he is trying to tell me. I peek and peer around
the walker, around the mounds of fleshy skin that barely fit into his suit. I cant find an escape
route to the bathroom without touching his bulbous body. When I contemplate shoving past him,
my gaze catches his hand, or where you would expect to see his hand. The stump is wrapped in
Ace bandages, and sticky yellow pus leaks from the edges. I step back and wrinkle my nose at
the pungent odor that seeps from the stump. My eyes start to water and my bladder cant take
much more punishment. I scan the crowded porch for my parents, ready to cry and pee on
myself. They stand a ways off on the porch talking to the churchs pastor, and my moms one
careful eye is locked on me. My hands begin to shake and I look back at the man. I wonder why
my mom let me speak with him, why she doesnt come over and ask him to move. I wonder what
happened to his eye to make it roll around in his eye socket like a kitten playing on the carpet. I
wonder what we were having for dinner that night.
And now, as I stare at the white linoleum floor of the Atlanta Airport, I wonder how I am
going to make it up the escalator, the same escalator that took Jimmy Andersons arm, without
gagging as I remember the odor that seeped from Jimmys sticky Ace bandage.
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My hands shake around my IPod Nano, and I turn down the volume of B.o.Bs
Airplanes. I attempt to step onto the rotating teeth, but get shoved aside and fall face first on
the linoleum floor. Im close to the black gums of the escalator, so close I can hear the gears
rotate and attempt to chew off my limbs. The angry businessman, who apparently shoved me,
gets his tie caught up in the escalator. With a growl, he jerks the ends of the tie. He takes a look
at it and runs his hands up and down the ends of the tie. He shrugs and does not seem to care he
messed up his tie, or does not even know he did. I can tell he messed up his tie as my face hovers
over the gums, because shreds of bright yellow threads are stuck to them.
The man huffs, and shoves his suitcase right before the first step of the rotating jaws. He
will get eaten, this angry man. As a woman in a bright pink cocktail dress steps behind him I
start to think. He will be a snack for the escalator, and the elevator will eat him and the woman
with him, like cotton candy at a carnival. You might care that he had a wife at home; the mans
wedding ring dangled off his finger, like a gaudy Christmas ornament off a pine tree. You might
care, getting shoved aside by the man and the high heeled woman that lacks a gaudy wedding
band. You might care as he grabs the back of her dress and grins, and know he probably has
children back home. I care because my face is so close to the dangerous jaws that took Jimmys
hand.
I take a terminal step forward, and Im committed to this excruciating and sickening ride
to the top of the airport. I clutch my carry-on to my body as the black gums whiz past. The gums
threaten to swallow my fingers, my arms, my carry-on; the gums had swallowed the sunshine
yellow threads, and I am convinced that they would swallow me, too. My throat feels as if there
is an apple lodged in the back of it as the escalator reaches the halfway point.
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The room begins to spin about halfway up the escalator. I close my eyes, and I feel as if
Im fifteen and once more Im on The Claw at the carnival.
It is the second time I have ridden a ride at the fair. My boyfriend laughs at my
discomfort, and my stomach lurches one hundred feet in the air. I feel sick, like any sane person
should on these death traps as the machine spins us three times up in the air. As it comes down
and bottoms out, you might feel as if the world had been turned upside down, and wonder why
he laughs at the twisting and turning of the ride. How long could the relationship last if he could
be so cruel and spiteful to make you get on the ride? I wonder this as my head is snatched up into
the air for another three rotations. I wonder why my friend Stina could not make it to the fair
today, for the double date we had planned; I wonder for about another three seconds. And then, I
puke hot chunks of apple pie all over the guy in front of me. The ride slows out of the rotations
and everyone begins to moan and boo. The technician stops the ride and lets me and my
boyfriend off. My boyfriend scowls, his hair dangles like noodles over his face and I lurch
toward the restrooms. I call my parents, and the usual yelling begins about my irresponsible
choices. In the car, my moms eye looks with disapproval at my messy shirt and pants.
We didnt want you going in the first place my mom says to me from the front seat.
Its your own fault for going, now stop acting like you are dying, and get your skirt back on.
You look like a heathen. Tears begin to well up in my eyes and I struggle into the long denim
skirts. You might cry if you had puked all over the old man in front of you on the ride, and then
were forced to put on a long, heavy skirt.
All I had wanted was some sympathy, some kind of understanding from my parents. As
the escalator at the airport rounds the top and I jump over the last row of teeth, I let out a huge
sigh, and hope I wont puke on the pink dressed lady.
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Attention Atlanta Airport. We are now at code Orange. Passengers should brace for
security related delays during the day. Longer lines are expected and traffic leading to the
terminals could be slowed by random vehicle checks. Security is at a normal level. Have a nice
day the man on the speaker calls.
I wonder why normal threat level is orange instead of green. I wonder why they even
bother to tell you it was normal. I wonder what is normal. As I catch my breath, I wonder what
gate my flight is leaving from and pull out my ticket and drivers license from my left pocket of
my tan dress coat for the fourth time that evening. The numbers 4364, Gate C are yellow on the
ticket and a red stamp is brushed across the bottom corner. I continue walking and shove the
ticket and my drivers license into my faded blue jeans right pocket.
I look around for a sign with directions or someone in charge to tell me where to go next.
A black security woman in a blue and tan uniform stands a little ways down from me. She chews
on a granola bar and my stomach growls. As the only person around that looks friendly, I decide
to ask her where to go next.
Excuse me, Can you tell me where to go to get to Gate C? I ask as my eyes dart over
the granola bar.
Yesm just go down the hall and to the left, and take the train. Now if you see the
bathrooms, youve gone a little too far, she says as her mouth munches on the granola, and spit
builds up on the corners of her mouth.
I nod, and thank her for her time. She might be the only one you would want to talk to, if
you were there. You might look past the guy skateboarding through the airport, past the Asian
business men, past the family with three kids, and talk to the security woman instead. Hungry, I
look past the rows of shops, knowing that they were overpriced and that I didnt have a dime to
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my name. I keep on walking deep in thought, and miss the train station. I see two maintenance
men, arguing over how to hang the airports new bathroom doors, trying to install the new doors
as they argue.
When I look at the arguing men, verbally assaulting each other, I feel as if I am 19 again,
on my own and living with my sister.
The door is off its frame, like the door of my sisters bedroom. My sister Veronicas eyes
are open wide, and she twists the cord of the telephone around her little finger and clenches the
mouthpiece closer to her face. Veronica is an enthusiastic liar, and at this point her lies and the
childish games she plays have ticked me off. Her bright green shirt looks like the grass outside,
faded and yellowing from bleach that had gotten into her laundry. My breath is quick and
shallow as I storm up to her and shove her into her closet door. I hear her shoulders pop as I
scream at her.
What is your problem? I screech, ripping the phone out of her hands and throwing it to
the other side of the room. I said I had to use the phone and you just go and keep using it and
think THINK that you are going to talk about me while Im standing here and then that you
are just going to slam the door and hit my nose?
Veronica whimpers, and then with cat-like reflexes starts to throw wet clothes at me. I
yell as the clothes hit my face and drench my shirt. Veronica darts past me, screaming like a
banshee out the front door and to the neighbors house down the street. I stand there at the door
for a moment. You might stand there and wonder what you should do. I chuckle over the
comedy of the situation and then I get really scared. I turn and realize that I just messed up big
time.
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I turn around and dart to the door. Now, as I stand in the airport, I realize I have gone too
far, just like that day with Veronica; I turn around and find the train station.
. The train doors slide shut behind me as I stumble in. I scramble onto the crowded train
and struggle to keep my footing as the train races underground. I squeeze my eyes together and
search for something to hold on to. There are no bars on the train for me to grab. Every inch of
the train is packed with the bodies of sweating people. I squeeze past their hot bodies and about
fall as the train started to pull out of the station. Pictures of people and faces flashed past as the
train lurched into Gate C. When the door opens, I march past the people walking out of step, past
the gate, and shove my ticket at the counter to get my second red security stamp.
I plop three grey tubs on the conveyor belt in front of me. I place my liquids in the shiny
plastic bag in the first tub, along with my coat. The second tub takes my laptop and the third my
shoes. I walk through the security counter, trying to avoid the security mans gaze. I tremble, not
because I have anything suspicious, but because the scrutiny with which he stares at people
makes my insides crawl. The long tongue of the security belt swallows the three grey tubs. I
watch my things, and hurry to push through the metal detector. What if someone steals the
computer? As I dart over to the tubs to grab my things, I hear the pinging of the metal detector
and groan. I stop and remember in horror that I forgot to remove my navel ring. My stomach
flips and I gulp. I hear a gruff voice behind me.
Hey, Miss! The guard calls me, making me turn around in horror, thinking I was about
to be stripped searched.
I forgot to remove the ring I had in, I say as I tug at the ring on my belly, trying to
wrench it off my body before I am stripped searched.
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No problem. He smiles and holds up a mini-metal detector wand. The ring comes off,
and I hold out my arms so that he can wave the wand over my body. He waves it up and down
my body, and the buzzer does not go off. Looks like youre good to go then! Have a nice flight
Miss, he says as he turns around to the next person in line.
My shoulders unclench and relax. For the fifth time that day I take my tickets out of my
pockets and check the number on the flight. I wipe the sweat off my face. You might be
sweating, as hot as it was in that airport. You might look at it and wonder what was special about
the destination, but would remember the flight number and know exactly where to go.
Instead I am lost, like I became lost when I was four years old in Sears during Christmas
time, with my friend Katie tugging at my arm.
Cummon Lori, they wont know where we at, wont it be funny to see their faces? she
giggles as our parents walk off from the cash register after they finish paying.
At first, it is funny. Katie and I sit on a rack of teddy bears and giggle as our parents walk
away and leave us behind. But then, Katie jumps up and sticks her tongue out at me. Before I
know it, Katie disappears behind a mountain of clothes on a rack in the childrens department. I
run after her and call for her to wait. The clothes swallow my vision, making it impossible to see
more than two feet in front of me. The clothes make it difficult to breathe. My mom has my
inhaler, and it is getting harder to pull in a breath of fresh air. I begin to have an asthma attack
right there in the middle of Sears. A nearby man with bright red tennis shoes stops and helps me
catch my breath. All I can do is cry, and the man with the red shoes reaches down and takes me
by the hand. He hands me a peppermint which helps me to breathe again and calms me down. He
walks me over to the counter where he attempts to hand me a phone. I shake my head at him,
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Ladies and gentlemen, Delta overbooked this flight. We are offering 400 dollars to
anyone who wants to leave tomorrow morning, in the form of a travel voucher. Also, anyone
who does so will be given a hotel and three meal vouchers. The lady turns and exits the plane. I
hold my breath, thinking of the possibilities. My ticket to Oklahoma was over four hundred
dollars. I could give up the ticket, and get a nearly free trip to Madrid. You might consider giving
up the ticket, and I wouldnt blame you because I consider it too. You might do it in a heartbeat,
take your four hundred dollars and walk off the plane happily.
The choice is difficult; I dont have a dime to my name to go to Madrid on, and I dont
want to go to Oklahoma City, but I am obligated to. As I sit on the plane with the kid behind me
kicking the seat, it is as if I were back home at 18, watching my bags hit the floor.
My four bags hit the floor of the garage with a resounding thud. My mom screams at me,
yells and curses and gets angry at anything and everything that I had done in the last ten years.
My dad stands quietly by. He is a Master Sergeant in the Air Force, and I had never seen him this
close to crying.
Fine. She wants to leave! Let her leave! my mom screeches, throwing more stuff out
onto the garage floor.
I cannot remember what the argument was about. Im no longer mad, and my mother
continues to insult me. She flings things out the door and swings her hands around. I try to pick
up a bag and leave with my stuff, and my mom jumps up and slaps my hand off of the bag.
No. You cant take it. You want it; you will have to carry it away from here. We arent
going to drive you to the gas station and yourboyfriendis not allowed on my property. He comes
here and Im calling the law! She shrieks this at me and goes to find the phone.
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I throw more insults back at her, but in my heart I am tired of arguing. I grab the most
important bags and begin walking while she is inside finding the phone. It is a hot Georgia day,
and her insults are still being screeched at me when I reach the corner of the quiet cul-de-sac. I
march angrily onward into the mouth of the neighborhood; hot tears pour down my face. I do not
understand my parents and they know and understand even less about me. Gone are the days my
moms careful eye watched over me as I tried to shove past Jimmy in the churchyard. I am
through with the skirt wearing and the church going. I brush the tears off my face, mutter and
curse under my breath. Halfway up the road, about half a mile, a white work truck pulls up next
to me. The gas exhaust from his beat up truck smells nasty and makes my head spin.
Hey, sweetie, need a ride to the gas station? he smiles, and places one hand on the
window seal of his truck. I shake my head; no, I wouldnt ride with him. My mom had taught me
not to ride with strange people and I am an over-cautious person. His nails are crooked and
unclean. Dirt is crusted underneath them in a ghastly fashion. Thinking of my mom makes me
wince, which the man misinterprets and gets insulted. He drives off, slowly at first as if hoping I
would jump in with him and change my mind. He beeps his horn twice and drives down the road.
You might not have made it to the gas station if you were there, but might have turned around,
and possibly apologized to your mother. You might have made things less difficult and taken the
time to turn around and make things right.
I am not that person. The possibility of Madrid makes me twitch in my seat as I try to
make up my mind.
When the lady comes back on the plane, I tap the side of my seat and think things
through one more time. She makes another announcement, this time offering six hundred dollars
to anyone who might cancel their flight. My mind is made up. I jab the call button and jump up.
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Ill take it maam, I call out to the front of the plane. She nods and takes my ticket.
Next flight to Oklahoma City is tomorrow at 9:20 a.m. Would you like to switch
flights?
No, but I will take the travel voucher maam. I shift back and forth on my feet, and
dream of my flight to Madrid while she cancels out the ticket. The heat rushes to my face, and
the plane begins to get stuffy as I second guess my decision.
What was in Oklahoma? she asks nicely as she punches in numbers on her handheld
device.
Nothing important, just family.