HAROLDPINTER

PlaysOne

TheBirthdayParty

TheRoom

TheDumbWaiter

ASlightAche

TheHothouse

ANightOut

TheBlackandWhite

TheExamination

Contents

TitlePageIntroduction:WritingfortheTheatreTheBirthdayParty

FirstPresentationActOneActTwoActThree

TheRoomFirstPresentationTheRoom

TheDumbWaiterFirstPresentationTheDumbWaiter

ASlightAcheFirstPresentationASlightAche

TheHothouseAuthor’sNoteCharactersFirstPresentationActOneActTwo

ANightOutFirstPresentationActOne

SceneOneSceneTwoSceneThree

SceneFourSceneFive

ActTwoSceneOneSceneTwo

ActThreeSceneOneSceneTwoSceneThreeTheBlackandWhiteTheExamination

AbouttheAuthorBytheSameAuthorCopyright

INTRODUCTIONWritingfortheTheatre

AspeechmadebyHaroldPinterattheNationalStudentDramaFestivalinBristolin1962.

I’mnotatheorist.I’mnotanauthoritativeorreliablecommentatoronthedramaticscene,thesocialscene,anyscene.Iwriteplays,whenIcanmanage it, and that’s all. That’s the sumof it. So I’m speakingwith some reluctance, knowing that there are at least twenty-fourpossibleaspectsofanysinglestatement,dependingonwhereyou’restanding at the time or on what the weather’s like. A categoricalstatement, I find, will never stay where it is and be finite. It willimmediately be subject to modification by the other twenty-threepossibilities of it. No statement I make, therefore, should beinterpreted as final and definitive. One or two of them may soundfinalanddefinitive,theymayevenbealmostfinalanddefinitive,butIwon’tregardthemassuchtomorrow,andIwouldn’tlikeyoutodosotoday.

I’vehadtwofull-lengthplaysproducedinLondon.Thefirstranaweek and the second ran a year. Of course, there are differencesbetween the two plays. InTheBirthdayParty I employed a certainamountofdashesinthetext,betweenphrases.InTheCaretakerIcutout thedashesanduseddots instead.So that insteadof, say: ‘Look,dash,who,dash,I,dash,dash,dash,’thetextwouldread:‘Look,dot,dot, dot,who, dot, dot dot, I, dot, dot, dot, dot.’ So it’s possible todeduce from this that dots aremore popular than dashes and that’swhyTheCaretakerhadalongerrunthanTheBirthdayParty.Thefactthatinneithercasecouldyouhearthedotsanddashesinperformance

isbesidethepoint.Youcan’tfoolthecriticsforlong.Theycantelladotfromadashamileoff,eveniftheycanhearneither.

It tookmequiteawhile togrowused to thefact thatcriticalandpublicresponseinthetheatrefollowsaveryerratictemperaturechart.Andthedangerforawriteriswherehebecomeseasypreyfortheoldbugsofapprehensionandexpectation in thisconnection.But I thinkDüsseldorfclearedtheairforme.InDüsseldorfabouttwoyearsagoItook,asistheContinentalcustom,abowwithaGermancastofTheCaretakerattheendoftheplayonthefirstnight.Iwasatoncebooedviolentlybywhatmusthavebeenthefinestcollectionofbooersintheworld.Ithoughttheywereusingmegaphones,butitwaspuremouth.Thecastwasasdoggedastheaudience,however,andwetookthirty-fourcurtaincalls,alltoboos.Bythethirty-fourththerewereonlytwopeople left in thehouse, still booing. Iwas strangelywarmedbyallthis,andnow,whenever Isensea tremorof theoldapprehensionorexpectation,IrememberDüsseldorf,andamcured.

Thetheatreisalarge,energetic,publicactivity.Writingis,forme,acompletelyprivateactivity,apoemoraplay,nodifference.Thesefactsarenoteasytoreconcile.Theprofessionaltheatre,whateverthevirtues it undoubtedly possesses, is a world of false climaxes,calculated tensions, some hysteria, and a good deal of inefficiency.And the alarms of this world which I suppose I work in becomesteadilymorewidespreadandintrusive.Butbasicallymypositionhasremainedthesame.WhatIwritehasnoobligationtoanythingotherthantoitself.Myresponsibilityisnottoaudiences,critics,producers,directors, actors or tomy fellowmen in general, but to the play inhand,simply.IwarnedyouaboutdefinitivestatementsbutitlooksasthoughI’veJustmadeone.

I have usually begun a play in quite a simple manner; found acoupleofcharactersinaparticularcontext,thrownthemtogetherandlistenedtowhattheysaid,keepingmynosetotheground.Thecontexthas alwaysbeen, forme, concrete andparticular, and the charactersconcretealso.I’veneverstartedaplayfromanykindofabstractidea

or theory and never envisagedmy own characters asmessengers ofdeath, doom, heaven or the milky way or, in other words, asallegoricalrepresentationsofanyparticularforce,whateverthatmaymean.Whenacharactercannotbecomfortablydefinedorunderstoodin termsof the familiar, the tendency is toperchhimona symbolicshelf,outofharm’sway.Oncethere,hecanbetalkedaboutbutneednot be livedwith. In thisway, it is easy to put up a pretty efficientsmoke screen, on the part of the critics or the audience, againstrecognition,againstanactiveandwillingparticipation.

We don’t carry labels on our chests, and even though they arecontinually fixed to us by others, they convince nobody. The desirefor verification on the part of all of us, with regard to our ownexperienceandtheexperienceofothers,isunderstandablebutcannotalways be satisfied. I suggest there can be no hard distinctionsbetweenwhatisrealandwhatisunreal,norbetweenwhatistrueandwhatisfalse.Athingisnotnecessarilyeithertrueorfalse;itcanbeboth true and false. A character on the stage who can present noconvincing argument or information as to his past experience, hispresent behaviour or his aspirations, nor give a comprehensiveanalysisofhismotivesisas legitimateandasworthyofattentionasone who, alarmingly, can do all these things. The more acute theexperiencethelessarticulateitsexpression.

Apart from any other consideration, we are faced with theimmense difficulty, if not the impossibility, of verifying the past. Idon’tmeanmerelyyearsago,butyesterday,thismorning.Whattookplace,whatwasthenatureofwhattookplace,whathappened?Ifonecan speak of the difficulty of knowing what in fact took placeyesterday,onecan I think treat thepresent in the sameway.What’shappening now?We won’t know until tomorrow or in six months’time, and we won’t know then, we’ll have forgotten, or ourimaginationwillhaveattributedquitefalsecharacteristicstotoday.Amoment is sucked away and distorted, often even at the time of itsbirth. We will all interpret a common experience quite differently,

though we prefer to subscribe to the view that there’s a sharedcommonground, a knownground. I think there’s a shared commongroundallright,butthatit’smorelikeaquicksand.Because‘reality’isquiteastrongfirmwordwetendtothink,ortohope,thatthestatetowhich it refers isequally firm,settledandunequivocal. Itdoesn’tseemtobe,andinmyopinion,it’snoworseorbetterforthat.

A play is not an essay, nor should a playwright under anyexhortation damage the consistency of his characters by injecting aremedyorapology for theiractions into the lastact, simplybecausewe have been brought up to expect, rain or sunshine, the last act‘resolution’. To supply an explicit moral tag to an evolving andcompulsive dramatic image seems to be facile, impertinent anddishonest.Where this takes places it is not theatre but a crosswordpuzzle. The audience holds the paper. The play fills in the blanks.Everyone’shappy.

Thereisaconsiderablebodyofpeoplejustnowwhoareaskingforsomekindofclearandsensibleengagementtobeevidentlydisclosedin contemporary plays. They want the playwright to be a prophet.Thereiscertainlyagooddealofprophecyindulgedinbyplaywrightsthese days, in their plays and out of them. Warnings, sermons,admonitions, ideological exhortations, moral judgements, definedproblems with built-in solutions; all can camp under the banner ofprophecy.Theattitudebehindthissortofthingmightbesummedupinonephrase:‘I’mtellingyou!’

Ittakesallsortsofplaywrightstomakeaworld,andasfarasI’mconcerned‘X’canfollowanycoursehechooseswithoutmyactingashiscensor.Topropagateaphoneywarbetweenhypotheticalschoolsofplaywrightsdoesn’t seem tome averyproductivepastimeand itcertainlyisn’tmyintention.ButIcan’tbutfeelthatwehaveamarkedtendency to stress, so glibly, our empty preferences. The preferencefor‘Life’withacapitalL,whichishelduptobeverydifferenttolifewith a small 1, I mean the life we in fact live. The preference forgoodwill, for charity, for benevolence, how facile they’ve become,

thesedeliverances.If I were to state any moral precept it might be: Beware of the

writerwhoputsforwardhisconcernforyoutoembrace,wholeavesyou innodoubtof hisworthiness, his usefulness, his altruism,whodeclaresthathisheartisintherightplace,andensuresthatitcanbeseen infullview,apulsatingmasswherehischaractersought tobe.What is presented, so much of the time, as a body of active andpositivethoughtisinfactabodylostinaprisonofemptydefinitionandcliché.

This kind ofwriter clearly trustswords absolutely. I havemixedfeelingsaboutwordsmyself.Movingamongthem,sortingthemout,watching themappearon thepage, fromthis Ideriveaconsiderablepleasure. But at the same time I have another strong feeling aboutwordswhichamounts tonothing less thannausea.Suchaweightofwordsconfrontsusdayin,dayout,wordsspokeninacontextsuchasthis,wordswritten byme and by others, the bulk of it a stale deadterminology; ideas endlessly repeated and permutated becomeplatitudinous, trite,meaningless.Given this nausea, it’s very easy tobeovercomebyitandstepbackintoparalysis.Iimaginemostwritersknow something of this kind of paralysis. But if it is possible toconfrontthisnausea,tofollowittoitshilt,tomovethroughitandoutof it, then it is possible to say that something has occurred, thatsomethinghasevenbeenachieved.

Language,undertheseconditions,isahighlyambiguousbusiness.Sooften,belowthewordspoken, is the thingknownandunspoken.Mycharacters tellmesomuchandnomore,with reference to theirexperience,theiraspirations,theirmotives,theirhistory.Betweenmylackofbiographicaldataaboutthemandtheambiguityofwhattheysayliesaterritorywhichisnotonlyworthyofexplorationbutwhichitiscompulsorytoexplore.YouandI,thecharacterswhichgrowonapage, most of the time we’re inexpressive, giving little away,unreliable, elusive, evasive, obstructive, unwilling. But it’s out ofthese attributes that a language arises. A language, I repeat, where

underwhatissaid,anotherthingisbeingsaid.Givencharacterswhopossessamomentumoftheirown,myjobis

nottoimposeuponthem,nottosubjectthemtoafalsearticulation,bywhichImeanforcingacharactertospeakwherehecouldnotspeak,makinghimspeakinawayhecouldnotspeak,ormakinghimspeakofwhat he could never speak. The relationship between author andcharacters should be a highly respectful one, bothways.And if it’spossibletotalkofgainingakindoffreedomfromwriting,itdoesn’tcomeby leadingone’s characters into fixedandcalculatedpostures,but by allowing them to carry their own can, by giving them alegitimate elbowroom. This can be extremely painful. It’s mucheasier,muchlesspain,nottoletthemlive.

I’dliketomakequiteclearatthesametimethatIdon’tregardmyowncharactersasuncontrolled,oranarchic.They’renot.Thefunctionofselectionandarrangementismine.Idoallthedonkeywork,infact,andIthinkIcansayIpaymeticulousattentiontotheshapeofthings,fromtheshapeofasentencetotheoverallstructureoftheplay.Thisshaping, to put it mildly, is of the first importance. But I think adoublethinghappens.Youarrangeandyoulisten,followingthecluesyou leave for yourself, through the characters. And sometimes abalanceisfound,whereimagecanfreelyengenderimageandwhereatthesametimeyouareabletokeepyoursightsontheplacewherethecharactersaresilentandinhiding.Itisinthesilencethattheyaremostevidenttome.

There are two silences.Onewhen noword is spoken. The otherwhenperhapsatorrentoflanguageisbeingemployed.Thisspeechisspeaking of a language locked beneath it. That is its continualreference.Thespeechwehearisanindicationofthatwhichwedon’thear.Itisanecessaryavoidance,aviolent,sly,anguishedormockingsmoke screenwhich keeps the other in its place.When true silencefallswearestillleftwithechobutarenearernakedness.Onewayoflooking at speech is to say that it is a constant strategem to covernakedness.

We have heard many times that tired, grimy phrase: ‘Failure ofcommunication’…and thisphrasehasbeenfixed tomyworkquiteconsistently.Ibelievethecontrary.Ithinkthatwecommunicateonlytoowell,inoursilence,inwhatisunsaid,andthatwhattakesplaceisacontinualevasion,desperaterearguardattemptstokeepourselvestoourselves. Communication is too alarming. To enter into someoneelse’s life is toofrightening.Todisclosetoothers thepovertywithinusistoofearsomeapossibility.

Iamnotsuggestingthatnocharacterinaplaycaneversaywhathe in factmeans.Not at all. I have found that there invariablydoescomeamomentwhenthishappens,whenhesayssomething,perhaps,whichhehasneversaidbefore.Andwherethishappens,whathesaysisirrevocable,andcanneverbetakenback.

Ablankpageisbothanexcitingandafrighteningthing.It’swhatyoustartfrom.Therefollowtwofurtherperiodsintheprogressofaplay. The rehearsal period and the performance. A dramatist willabsorb a great many things of value from an active and intenseexperienceinthetheatre,throughoutthesetwoperiods.Butfinallyheis again left looking at theblankpage. In that page is somethingornothing. You don’t know until you’ve cornered it. And there’s noguarantee that youwill know then. But it always remains a chanceworthtaking.

I’vewrittennineplays,forvariousmediums,andatthemomentIhaven’ttheslightestideahowI’vemanagedtodoit.Eachplaywas,forme,‘adifferentkindoffailure’.Andthatfact,Isuppose,sentmeontowritethenextone.

And if I findwritingplaysanextremelydifficult task,while stillunderstandingitasakindofcelebration,howmuchmoredifficultitistoattempttorationalisetheprocess,andhowmuchmoreabortive,asIthinkI’veclearlydemonstratedtoyouthismorning.

Samuel Beckett says, at the beginning of his novel TheUnnamable,‘Thefactwouldseemtobe, if inmysituationonemayspeakoffacts,notonlythatIshallhavetospeakofthingsofwhichI

cannotspeak,butalso,whichisevenmoreinteresting,butalsothatI,whichisifpossibleevenmoreinteresting,thatIshallhaveto,Iforget,nomatter.’

THEBIRTHDAYPARTY

TheBirthdayPartywasfirstpresentedbyMichaelCodronandDavidHall at the Arts Theatre, Cambridge, on 28 April 1958, andsubsequently at the Lyric Opera House, Hammersmith, with thefollowingcast:

PETEY,amaninhissixties WilloughbyGray MEG,awomaninhersixties BeatrixLehmann STANLEY,amaninhislatethirties RichardPearson LULU,agirlinhertwenties WendyHutchinson GOLDBERG,amaninhisfifties JohnSlater MCCANN,amanofthirty JohnStratton

DirectedbyPeterWood

TheBirthdayPartywasrevivedbytheRoyalShakespeareCompanyattheAldwychTheatre,London,on18June1964,withthefollowingcast:

PETEY NewtonBlick MEG DorisHare STANLEY BryanPringle LULU JanetSuzman GOLDBERG BrewsterMason MCANN PatrickMagee

DirectedbyHaroldPinter

The Birthday Party was broadcast on BBC Television on 28 June1987,withthefollowingcast:

PETEY RobertLang MEG JoanPlowright STANLEY KennethCranham LULU JulieWalters

GOLDBERG HaroldPinter MCANN ColinBlakely

DirectedbyKennethIves

ACTIAmorninginsummerACTIIEveningofthesamedayACTIIIThenextmorning

ACTONE

The living-roomofahouse inaseaside town.Adoor leading to thehall down left. Back door and smallwindowup left.Kitchen hatch,centreback.Kitchendoorupright.Tableandchairs,centre.

PETEYenters fromthedoorontheleftwithapaperandsitsat thetable.Hebeginstoread.MEG’Svoicecomesthroughthekitchenhatch.

MEG.Isthatyou,Petey?

Pause.

Petey,isthatyou?

Pause.

Petey?PETEY.What?MEG.Isthatyou?PETEY.Yes,it’sme.MEG.What?(Herfaceappearsatthehatch.)Areyouback?PETEY.Yes.MEG. I’ve got your cornflakes ready. (She disappears and reappears.)Here’s

yourcornflakes.

Herisesandtakestheplatefromher,sitsat the table,propsup thepaperandbeginstoeat.MEGentersbythekitchendoor.

Aretheynice?PETEY.Verynice.MEG.Ithoughtthey’dbenice.(Shesitsatthetable.)Yougotyourpaper?PETEY.Yes.MEG.Isitgood?PETEY.Notbad.MEG.Whatdoesitsay?PETEY.Nothingmuch.MEG.Youreadmeoutsomenicebitsyesterday.

PETEY.Yes,well,Ihaven’tfinishedthisoneyet.MEG.Willyoutellmewhenyoucometosomethinggood?PETEY.Yes.

Pause.

MEG.Haveyoubeenworkinghardthismorning?PETEY.No.Juststackedafewoftheoldchairs.Cleanedupabit.MEG.Isitniceout?PETEY.Verynice.

Pause.

MEG.IsStanleyupyet?PETEY.Idon’tknow.Ishe?MEG.Idon’tknow.Ihaven’tseenhimdownyet.PETEY.Wellthen,hecan’tbeup.MEG.Haven’tyouseenhimdown?PETEY.I’veonlyjustcomein.MEG.Hemustbestillasleep.

Shelooksroundtheroom,stands,goestothesideboardandtakesapairofsocksfromadrawer,collectswoolandaneedleandgoesbacktothetable.

Whattimedidyougooutthismorning,Petey?PETEY.Sametimeasusual.MEG.Wasitdark?PETEY.No,itwaslight.MEG(beginningtodarn).Butsometimesyougooutinthemorningandit’sdark.PETEY.That’sinthewinter.MEG.Oh,inwinter.PETEY.Yes,itgetslightlaterinwinter.MEG.Oh.

Pause.

Whatareyoureading?PETEY.Someone’sjusthadababy.MEG.Oh,theyhaven’t!Who?PETEY.Somegirl.MEG.Who,Petey,who?PETEY.Idon’tthinkyou’dknowher.

MEG.What’shername?PETEY.LadyMarySplatt.MEG.Idon’tknowher.PETEY.No.MEG.Whatisit?PETEY(studyingthepaper).Er—agirl.MEG.Notaboy?PETEY.No.MEG.Oh,whatashame.I’dbesorry.I’dmuchratherhavealittleboy.PETEY.Alittlegirl’sallright.MEG.I’dmuchratherhavealittleboy.

Pause.

PETEY.I’vefinishedmycornflakes.MEG.Weretheynice?PETEY.Verynice.MEG.I’vegotsomethingelseforyou.PETEY.Good.

Sherises,takeshisplateandexitsintothekitchen.Shethenappearsatthehatchwithtwopiecesoffriedbreadonaplate.

MEG.Hereyouare,Petey.

Herises,collectstheplate,looksatit,sitsatthetable.MEGre-enters.

Isitnice?PETEY.Ihaven’ttastedityet.MEG.Ibetyoudon’tknowwhatitis.PETEY.Yes,Ido.MEG.Whatisit,then?PETEY.Friedbread.MEG.That’sright.

Hebeginstoeat.Shewatcheshimeat.

PETEY.Verynice.MEG.Iknewitwas.PETEY(turningtoher).Oh,Meg,twomencameuptomeonthebeachlastnight.MEG.Twomen?

PETEY.Yes.Theywantedtoknowifwecouldputthemupforacoupleofnights.MEG.Putthemup?Here?PETEY.Yes.MEG.Howmanymen?PETEY.Two.MEG.Whatdidyousay?PETEY.Well,IsaidIdidn’tknow.Sotheysaidthey’dcomeroundtofindout.MEG.Aretheycoming?PETEY.Well,theysaidtheywould.MEG.Hadtheyheardaboutus,Petey?PETEY.Theymusthavedone.MEG. Yes, theymust have done. Theymust have heard this was a very good

boardinghouse.Itis.Thishouseisonthelist.PETEY.Itis.MEG.Iknowitis.PETEY.Theymightturnuptoday.Canyoudoit?MEG.Oh,I’vegotthatlovelyroomtheycanhave.PETEY.You’vegotaroomready?MEG.I’vegottheroomwiththearmchairallreadyforvisitors.PETEY.You’resure?MEG.Yes,that’llbeallrightthen,iftheycometoday.PETEY.Good.

Shetakesthesocksetc.backtothesideboarddrawer.

MEG.I’mgoingtowakethatboy.PETEY.There’sanewshowcomingtothePalace.MEG.Onthepier?PETEY.No.ThePalace,inthetown.MEG.Stanleycouldhavebeeninit,ifitwasonthepier.PETEY.Thisisastraightshow.MEG.Whatdoyoumean?PETEY.Nodancingorsinging.MEG.Whatdotheydothen?PETEY.Theyjusttalk.

Pause.

MEG.Oh.

PETEY.Youlikeasongeh,Meg?MEG.Ilikelisteningtothepiano.IusedtolikewatchingStanleyplaythepiano.

Ofcourse,hedidn’tsing.(Lookingatthedoor.)I’mgoingtocallthatboy.PETEY.Didn’tyoutakehimuphiscupoftea?MEG.Ialwaystakehimuphiscupoftea.Butthatwasalongtimeago.PETEY.Didhedrinkit?MEG.Imadehim.Istoodtheretillhedid.I’mgoingtocallhim.(Shegoestothedoor.)Stan!Stanny! (She listens.)Stan! I’mcomingup to fetchyou if youdon’t come down! I’m coming up! I’m going to count three! One! Two!Three! I’m coming to get you! (She exits and goes upstairs. In amoment,shouts fromSTANLEY,wild laughter from MEG. PETEY takes his plate to thehatch. Shouts.Laughter. PETEY sits at the table. Silence. She returns.)He’scomingdown.(Sheispantingandarrangesherhair.)Itoldhimifhedidn’thurryuphe’dgetnobreakfast.

PETEY.Thatdidit,eh?

MEG.I’llgethiscornflakes.

MEG exits to the kitchen. PETEY reads the paper. STANLEY enters. He isunshaven,inhispyjamajacketandwearsglasses.Hesitsatthetable.

PETEY.Morning,Stanley.STANLEY.Morning.

Silence.MEGenterswiththebowlofcornflakes,whichshesetsonthetable.

MEG. So he’s come down at last, has he? He’s come down at last for hisbreakfast.Buthedoesn’tdeserveany,doeshe,Petey?(STANLEYstaresatthecornflakes.)Didyousleepwell?

STANLEY.Ididn’tsleepatall.MEG. You didn’t sleep at all? Did you hear that, Petey? Too tired to eat your

breakfast, I suppose?Nowyoueatup thosecornflakes likeagoodboy.Goon.

Hebeginstoeat.

STANLEY.What’sitlikeouttoday?PETEY.Verynice.STANLEY.Warm?PETEY.Well,there’sagoodbreezeblowing.STANLEY.Cold?

PETEY.No,no,Iwouldn’tsayitwascold.MEG.Whatarethecornflakeslike,Stan?STANLEY.Horrible.MEG. Those flakes? Those lovely flakes? You’re a liar, a little liar. They’re

refreshing.Itsaysso.Forpeoplewhentheygetuplate.STANLEY.Themilk’soff.MEG.It’snot.Peteyatehis,didn’tyou,Petey?PETEY.That’sright.MEG.Thereyouarethen.STANLEY.Allright,I’llgoontothesecondcourse.MEG. He hasn’t finished the first course and hewants to go on to the second

course!STANLEY.Ifeellikesomethingcooked.MEG.Well,I’mnotgoingtogiveittoyou.PETEY.Giveittohim.MEG(sittingatthetable,right).I’mnotgoingto.

Pause.

STANLEY.Nobreakfast.

Pause.

AllnightlongI’vebeendreamingaboutthisbreakfast.MEG.Ithoughtyousaidyoudidn’tsleep.STANLEY.Day-dreaming.All night long.Andnow shewon’t giveme any.Not

evenacrustofbreadonthetable.

Pause.

Well,IcanseeI’llhavetogodowntooneofthosesmarthotelsonthefront.MEG(risingquickly).Youwon’tgetabetterbreakfasttherethanhere.

Sheexitstothekitchen.STANLEYyawnsbroadly.MEGappearsatthehatchwithaplate.

Hereyouare.You’lllikethis.

PETEY rises, collects the plate, brings it to the table, puts it in front ofSTANLEY,andsits.

STANLEY.What’sthis?PETEY.Friedbread.

MEG(entering).Well,Ibetyoudon’tknowwhatitis.STANLEY.OhyesIdo.MEG.What?STANLEY.Friedbread.MEG.Heknew.STANLEY.Whatawonderfulsurprise.MEG.Youdidn’texpectthat,didyou?STANLEY.Ibloodywelldidn’t.PETEY(rising).Well,I’moff.MEG.Yougoingbacktowork?PETEY.Yes.MEG.Yourtea!Youhaven’thadyourtea!PETEY.That’sallright.Notimenow.MEG.I’vegotitmadeinside.PETEY.No,nevermind.Seeyoulater.Ta-ta,Stan.STANLEY.Ta-ta.

PETEYexits,left.

Tch,tch,tch,tch.MEG(defensively).Whatdoyoumean?STANLEY.You’reabadwife.MEG.I’mnot.WhosaidIam?STANLEY.Nottomakeyourhusbandacupoftea.Terrible.MEG.HeknowsI’mnotabadwife.STANLEY.Givinghimsourmilkinstead.MEG.Itwasn’tsour.STANLEY.Disgraceful.MEG. You mind your own business, anyway. (STANLEY eats.) You won’t find

manybetterwivesthanme,Icantellyou.IkeepaverynicehouseandIkeepitclean.

STANLEY.Whoo!MEG.Yes!Andthishouseisverywellknown,foraverygoodboardinghousefor

visitors.STANLEY.Visitors?Doyouknowhowmanyvisitorsyou’vehadsinceI’vebeen

here?MEG.Howmany?STANLEY.One.

MEG.Who?STANLEY.Me!I’myourvisitor.MEG.You’realiar.Thishouseisonthelist.STANLEY.Ibetitis.MEG.Iknowitis.

Hepusheshisplateawayandpicksupthepaper.

Wasitnice?STANLEY.What?MEG.Thefriedbread.STANLEY.Succulent.MEG.Youshouldn’tsaythatword.STANLEY.Whatword?MEG.Thatwordyousaid.STANLEY.What,succulent—?MEG.Don’tsayit!STANLEY.What’sthematterwithit?MEG.Youshouldn’tsaythatwordtoamarriedwoman.STANLEY.Isthatafact?MEG.Yes.STANLEY.Well,Ineverknewthat.MEG.Well,it’strue.STANLEY.Whotoldyouthat?MEG.Neveryoumind.STANLEY.Well,ifIcan’tsayittoamarriedwomanwhocanIsayitto?MEG.You’rebad.STANLEY.Whataboutsometea?MEG.Doyouwantsometea?(STANLEYreadsthepaper.)Sayplease.STANLEY.Please.MEG.Saysorryfirst.STANLEY.Sorryfirst.MEG.No.Justsorry.STANLEY.Justsorry!MEG.Youdeservethestrap.STANLEY.Don’tdothat!

Shetakeshisplateandruffleshishairasshepasses.STANLEYexclaimsandthrowsherarmaway.Shegoesintothekitchen.Herubshiseyesunderhis

glassesandpicksupthepaper.Sheenters.

Ibroughtthepotin.STANLEY(absently).Idon’tknowwhatI’ddowithoutyou.MEG.Youdon’tdeserveitthough.STANLEY.Whynot?MEG(pouringthetea,coyly).Goon.Callingmethat.STANLEY.Howlonghasthatteabeeninthepot?MEG.It’sgoodtea.Goodstrongtea.STANLEY.Thisisn’ttea.It’sgravy!MEG.It’snot.STANLEY.Getoutofit.Yousucculentoldwashingbag.MEG.Iamnot!Anditisn’tyourplacetotellmeifIam!STANLEY.Anditisn’tyourplacetocomeintoaman’sbedroomand—wakehim

up.MEG.Stanny!Don’tyoulikeyourcupofteaofamorning—theoneIbringyou?STANLEY.Ican’tdrinkthismuck.Didn’tanyoneevertellyoutowarmthepot,at

least?MEG.That’sgoodstrongtea,that’sall.STANLEY(puttinghisheadinhishands).OhGod,I’mtired.

Silence.MEGgoestothesideboard,collectsaduster,andvaguelyduststheroom,watchinghim.Shecomestothetableanddustsit.

Notthebloodytable!

Pause.

MEG.Stan?STANLEY.What?MEG(shyly).AmIreallysucculent?STANLEY.Oh,youare.I’dratherhaveyouthanacoldinthenoseanyday.MEG.You’rejustsayingthat.STANLEY(violently).Look,whydon’tyougetthisplaceclearedup!It’sapigsty.

And another thing, what about my room? It needs sweeping. It needspapering.Ineedanewroom!

MEG (sensual,strokinghisarm).Oh,Stan, that’sa lovelyroom.I’vehadsomelovelyafternoonsinthatroom.

Herecoilsfromherhandindisgust,standsandexitsquicklybythedooronthe left. She collects his cup and the teapot and takes them to the hatch

shelf.Thestreetdoorslams.STANLEYreturns.

MEG. Is the sun shining? (He crosses to the window, takes a cigarette andmatches from his pyjama jacket, and lights his cigarette.) What are yousmoking?

STANLEY.Acigarette.MEG.Areyougoingtogivemeone?STANLEY.No.MEG. I like cigarettes. (Hestands at thewindow, smoking. She crosses behindhimandticklesthebackofhisneck.)Tickle,tickle.

STANLEY(pushingher).Getawayfromme.MEG.Areyougoingout?STANLEY.Notwithyou.MEG.ButI’mgoingshoppinginaminute.STANLEY.Go.MEG.You’llbelonely,allbyyourself.STANLEY.WillI?MEG.WithoutyouroldMeg.I’vegottogetthingsinforthetwogentlemen.

Apause.STANLEYslowlyraiseshishead.Hespeakswithoutturning.

STANLEY.Whattwogentlemen?MEG.I’mexpectingvisitors.

Heturns.

STANLEY.What?MEG.Youdidn’tknowthat,didyou?STANLEY.Whatareyoutalkingabout?MEG.Twogentlemen askedPetey if they could come and stay for a couple of

nights.I’mexpectingthem.(Shepicksup thedusterandbegins towipe theclothonthetable.)

STANLEY.Idon’tbelieveit.MEG.It’strue.STANLEY(movingtoher).You’resayingitonpurpose.MEG.Peteytoldmethismorning.STANLEY(grindinghiscigarette).Whenwasthis?Whendidheseethem?MEG.Lastnight.STANLEY.Whoarethey?MEG.Idon’tknow.

STANLEY.Didn’thetellyoutheirnames?MEG.No.STANLEY(pacingtheroom).Here?Theywantedtocomehere?MEG.Yes,theydid.(Shetakesthecurlersoutofherhair.)STANLEY.Why?MEG.Thishouseisonthelist.STANLEY.Butwhoarethey?MEG.You’llseewhentheycome.STANLEY(decisively).Theywon’tcome.MEG.Whynot?STANLEY(quickly).Itellyoutheywon’tcome.Whydidn’ttheycomelastnight,

iftheywerecoming?MEG.Perhapstheycouldn’tfindtheplaceinthedark.It’snoteasytofindinthe

dark.STANLEY.Theywon’t come.Someone’s taking theMichael.Forget all about it.

It’safalsealarm.Afakealarm.(Hesitsatthetable.)Where’smytea?MEG.Itookitaway.Youdidn’twantit.STANLEY.Whatdoyoumean,youtookitaway?MEG.Itookitaway.STANLEY.Whatdidyoutakeitawayfor?MEG.Youdidn’twantit!STANLEY.WhosaidIdidn’twantit?MEG.Youdid!STANLEY.Whogaveyoutherighttotakeawaymytea?MEG.Youwouldn’tdrinkit.

STANLEYstaresather.

STANLEY(quietly).Whodoyouthinkyou’retalkingto?MEG(uncertainly).What?STANLEY.Comehere.MEG.Whatdoyoumean?STANLEY.Comeoverhere.MEG.No.STANLEY.Iwanttoaskyousomething,(MEGfidgetsnervously.Shedoesnotgotohim.) Come on. (Pause.) All right. I can ask it from here just as well.(Deliberately.)Tellme,MrsBoles,whenyouaddressyourselftome,doyoueveraskyourselfwhoexactlyyouaretalkingto?Eh?

Silence.Hegroans,histrunkfallsforward,hisheadfallsintohishands.

MEG(inasmallvoice).Didn’tyouenjoyyourbreakfast,Stan?(Sheapproachesthe table.) Stan? When are you going to play the piano again? (STANLEYgrunts.)Likeyouusedto?(STANLEYgrunts.)Iusedtolikewatchingyouplaythepiano.Whenareyougoingtoplayitagain?

STANLEY.Ican’t,canI?MEG.Whynot?STANLEY.Ihaven’tgotapiano,haveI?MEG.No,Imeantlikewhenyouwereworking.Thatpiano.STANLEY.Goanddoyourshopping.MEG.Butyouwouldn’thavetogoawayifyougotajob,wouldyou?Youcould

playthepianoonthepier.

Helooksather,thenspeaksairily.

STANLEY.I’ve…er…I’vebeenofferedajob,asamatteroffact.MEG.What?STANLEY.Yes.I’mconsideringajobatthemoment.MEG.You’renot.STANLEY.Agoodone,too.Anightclub.InBerlin.MEG.Berlin?STANLEY. Berlin. A night club. Playing the piano. A fabulous salary. And all

found.MEG.Howlongfor?STANLEY.Wedon’tstayinBerlin.ThenwegotoAthens.MEG.Howlongfor?STANLEY.Yes.Thenwepayaflyingvisitto…er…whatsisname….MEG.Where?STANLEY.Constantinople.Zagreb.Vladivostock.It’saroundtheworldtour.MEG(sittingatthetable).Haveyouplayedthepianointhoseplacesbefore?STANLEY.Playedthepiano?I’veplayedthepianoallovertheworld.Alloverthecountry.(Pause.)Ioncegaveaconcert.MEG.Aconcert?STANLEY(reflectively).Yes.Itwasagoodone,too.Theywerealltherethatnight.

Everysingleoneof them. Itwasagreat success.Yes.Aconcert.AtLowerEdmonton.

MEG.Whatdidyouwear?STANLEY(tohimself).Ihadauniquetouch.Absolutelyunique.Theycameupto

me.Theycameuptomeandsaidtheyweregrateful.Champagnewehadthatnight, the lot. (Pause.) My father nearly came down to hear me. Well, Idroppedhimacardanyway.ButIdon’tthinkhecouldmakeit.No,I—Ilosttheaddress,thatwasit.(Pause.)Yes.LowerEdmonton.Thenafterthat,youknowwhattheydid?Theycarvedmeup.Carvedmeup.Itwasallarranged,itwasallworkedout.Mynextconcert.Somewhereelse itwas.Inwinter. Iwent down there to play. Then, when I got there, the hall was closed, theplacewasshutteredup,notevenacaretaker.They’dlockeditup.(Takesoffhisglassesandwipesthemonhispyjamajacket.)Afastone.Theypulledafastone.I’dliketoknowwhowasresponsibleforthat.(Bitterly.)All right,Jack,Icantakeatip.Theywantmetocrawldownonmybendedknees.WellIcantakeatip…anydayoftheweek.(Hereplaceshisglasses,thenlooksatMEG.)Lookather.You’rejustanoldpieceofrockcake,aren’tyou?(Herisesandleansacrossthetabletoher.)That’swhatyouare,aren’tyou?

MEG.Don’t yougo away again, Stan.You stay here.You’ll be better off.Youstaywith your oldMeg. (Hegroans and lies across the table.)Aren’t youfeelingwellthismorning,Stan.Didyoupayavisitthismorning?

Hestiffens, then lifts himself slowly, turns to face her and speaks lightly,casually.

STANLEY.Meg.Doyouknowwhat?MEG.What?STANLEY.Haveyouheardthelatest?MEG.No.STANLEY.I’llbetyouhave.MEG.Ihaven’t.STANLEY.ShallItellyou?MEG.Whatlatest?STANLEY.Youhaven’theardit?MEG.No.STANLEY(advancing).They’recomingtoday.They’recominginavan.MEG.Who?STANLEY.Anddoyouknowwhatthey’vegotinthatvan?MEG.What?STANLEY.They’vegotawheelbarrowinthatvan.MEG(breathlessly).Theyhaven’t.STANLEY.Ohyestheyhave.

MEG.You’realiar.STANLEY(advancinguponher).Abigwheelbarrow.Andwhenthevanstopsthey

wheelitout,andtheywheelitupthegardenpath,andthentheyknockatthefrontdoor.

MEG.Theydon’t.STANLEY.They’relookingforsomeone.MEG.They’renot.STANLEY.They’relookingforsomeone.Acertainperson.MEG(hoarsely).No,they’renot!STANLEY.ShallItellyouwhothey’relookingfor?MEG.No!STANLEY.Youdon’twantmetotellyou?MEG.You’realiar!

Asuddenknockonthefrontdoor.LULU’Svoice:Ooh-ooh!MEGedgespastSTANLEY andcollectsher shoppingbag. MEG goesout.STANLEY sidles tothedoorandlistens.

VOICE(throughletterbox).Hullo,MrsBoles…MEG.Oh,hasitcome?VOICE.Yes,it’sjustcome.MEG.What,isthatit?VOICE.Yes.IthoughtI’dbringitround.MEG.Isitnice?VOICE.Verynice.WhatshallIdowithit?MEG.Well,Idon’t…(Whispers.)VOICE.No,ofcoursenot…(Whispers.)MEG.Allright,but…(Whispers.)VOICE.Iwon’t…(Whispers.)Ta-ta,MrsBoles.

STANLEYquicklysitsatthetable.EnterLULU.

LULU.Oh,hullo.STANLEY.Ay-ay.LULU.Ijustwanttoleavethisinhere.STANLEY.Do.(LULUcrossestothesideboardandputsasolid,roundparceluponit.)That’sabulkyobject.

LULU.You’renottotouchit.STANLEY.WhywouldIwanttotouchit?

LULU.Well,you’renotto,anyway.

LULUwalksupstage.

LULU.Whydon’tyouopenthedoor?It’sallstuffyinhere.

Sheopensthebackdoor.

STANLEY(rising):Stuffy?Idisinfectedtheplacethismorning.LULU(atthedoor).Oh,that’sbetter.STANLEY.Ithinkit’sgoingtorainto-day.Whatdoyouthink?LULU.Ihopeso.Youcoulddowithit.STANLEY.Me!Iwasintheseaathalfpastsix.LULU.Wereyou?STANLEY.Iwentrightouttotheheadlandandbackbeforebreakfast.Don’tyou

believeme!

Shesits,takesoutacompactandpowdershernose.

LULU (offering him the compact). Do you want to have a look at your face?(STANLEYwithdrawsfromthetable.)Youcoulddowithashave,doyouknowthat?(STANLEYsits,rightat thetable.)Don’tyouevergoout?(Hedoesnotanswer.) Imean,whatdoyoudo, justsitaround thehouse like thisalldaylong?(Pause.)Hasn’tMrsBolesgotenoughtodowithouthavingyouunderherfeetalldaylong?

STANLEY.Ialwaysstandonthetablewhenshesweepsthefloor.LULU.Whydon’tyouhaveawash?Youlookterrible.STANLEY.Awashwouldn’tmakeanydifference.LULU(rising).Comeoutandgetabitofair.Youdepressme,lookinglikethat.STANLEY.Air?Oh,Idon’tknowaboutthat.LULU.It’slovelyout.AndI’vegotafewsandwiches.STANLEY.Whatsortofsandwiches?LULU.Cheese.STANLEY.I’mabigeater,youknow.LULU.That’sallright.I’mnothungry.STANLEY(abruptly).Howwouldyouliketogoawaywithme?LULU.Where.STANLEY.Nowhere.Still,wecouldgo.LULU.Butwherecouldwego?STANLEY. Nowhere. There’s nowhere to go. So we could just go. It wouldn’t

matter.

LULU.Wemightaswellstayhere.STANLEY.No.It’snogoodhere.LULU.Well,whereelseisthere?STANLEY.Nowhere.LULU.Well,that’sacharmingproposal.(Hegetsup.)Doyouhavetowearthose

glasses?STANLEY.Yes.LULU.Soyou’renotcomingoutforawalk?STANLEY.Ican’tatthemoment.LULU.You’reabitofawashout,aren’tyou?

Sheexits,left.STANLEYstands.Hethengoes to themirrorandlooks in it.Hegoesintothekitchen,takesoffhisglassesandbeginstowashhisface.Apause. Enter, by the back door, GOLDBERG andMCCANN. MCCANN carriestwosuitcases,GOLDBERGabriefcase.Theyhaltinsidethedoor,thenwalkdownstage. STANLEY, wiping his face, glimpses their backs through thehatch.GOLDBERGandMCCANN look round the room. STANLEY slips on hisglasses,sidlesthroughthekitchendoorandoutofthebackdoor.

MCCANN.Isthisit?GOLDBERG.Thisisit.MCCANN.Areyousure?GOLDBERG.SureI’msure.

Pause.

MCCANN.Whatnow?GOLDBERG.Don’tworryyourself,McCann.Takeaseat.MCCANN.Whataboutyou?GOLDBERG.Whataboutme?MCCANN.Areyougoingtotakeaseat?GOLDBERG.We’llbothtakeaseat.(MCCANNputsdownthesuitcaseandsitsatthetable,left.)Sitback,McCann.Relax.What’sthematterwithyou?Ibringyoudown for a few days to the seaside. Take a holiday. Do yourself a favour.Learntorelax,McCann,oryou’llnevergetanywhere.

MCCANN.Ahsure,Idotry,Nat.GOLDBERG(sittingatthetable,right).Thesecretisbreathing.Takemytip.It’sa

well-knownfact.Breathein,breatheout,takeachance,letyourselfgo,whatcan you lose? Look atme.When I was an apprentice yet,McCann, every

secondFridayofthemonthmyUncleBarneyusedtotakemetotheseaside,regularasclockwork.Brighton,CanveyIsland,Rottingdean—UncleBarneywasn’tparticular.AfterlunchonShabbusswe’dgoandsitinacoupleofdeckchairs—youknow, theoneswithcanopies—we’dhavea littlepaddle,we’dwatch the tide coming in, going out, the sun coming down—golden days,believe me, McCann. (Reminiscent.) Uncle Barney. Of course, he was animpeccable dresser. One of the old school. He had a house just outsideBasingstokeatthetime.Respectedbythewholecommunity.

Culture?Don’ttalktomeaboutculture.Hewasanall-roundman,whatdoyoumean?Hewasacosmopolitan.

MCCANN.Hey,Nat….GOLDBERG(reflectively).Yes.Oneoftheoldschool.MCCANN.Nat.Howdoweknowthisistherighthouse?GOLDBERG.What?MCCANN.Howdoweknowthisistherighthouse?GOLDBERG.Whatmakesyouthinkit’sthewronghouse?MCCANN.Ididn’tseeanumberonthegate.GOLDBERG.Iwasn’tlookingforanumber.MCCANN.No?GOLDBERG(settlinginthearmchair).Youknowone thingUncleBarney taught

me?UncleBarneytaughtmethatthewordofagentlemanisenough.That’swhy,whenIhadtogoawayonbusinessInevercarriedanymoney.Oneofmysonsusedtocomewithme.Heusedtocarryafewcoppers.Forapaper,perhaps,toseehowtheM.C.C.wasgettingonoverseas.Otherwisemynamewasgood.Besides,Iwasaverybusyman.

MCCANN.Whataboutthis,Nat?Isn’titabouttimesomeonecamein?GOLDBERG. McCann, what are you so nervous about? Pull yourself together.

Everywhereyougothesedaysit’slikeafuneral.MCCANN.That’strue.GOLDBERG.True?Ofcourseit’strue.It’smorethantrue.It’safact.MCCANN.Youmayberight.GOLDBERG.Whatisit,McCann?Youdon’ttrustmelikeyoudidintheolddays?MCCANN.SureItrustyou,Nat.GOLDBERG.Butwhyisitthatbeforeyoudoajobyou’reallovertheplace,and

whenyou’redoingthejobyou’reascoolasawhistle?MCCANN.Idon’tknow,Nat.I’mjustallrightonceIknowwhatI’mdoing.When

IknowwhatI’mdoing,I’mallright.

GOLDBERG.Well,youdoitverywell.MCCANN.Thankyou,Nat.GOLDBERG.YouknowwhatIsaidwhenthisjobcameup.Imeannaturallythey

approachedmetotakecareofit.AndyouknowwhoIaskedfor?MCCANN.Who?GOLDBERG.You.MCCANN.Thatwasverygoodofyou,Nat.GOLDBERG.No,itwasnothing.You’reacapableman,McCann.MCCANN.That’sagreatcompliment,Nat,comingfromamaninyourposition.GOLDBERG.Well,I’vegotaposition,Iwon’tdenyit.MCCANN.Youcertainlyhave.GOLDBERG.IwouldneverdenythatIhadaposition.MCCANN.Andwhataposition!GOLDBERG.It’snotathingIwoulddeny.MCCANN.Yes,it’strue,you’vedonealotforme.Iappreciateit.GOLDBERG.Saynomore.MCCANN.You’vealwaysbeenatrueChristian.GOLDBERG.Inaway.MCCANN.No,IjustthoughtI’dtellyouthatIappreciateit.GOLDBERG.It’sunnecessarytorecapitulate.MCCANN.You’rerightthere.GOLDBERG.Quiteunnecessary.

Pause.MCCANNleansforward.

MCCANN.HeyNat,justonething….GOLDBERG.Whatnow?MCCANN. This job—no, listen—this job, is it going to be like anythingwe’ve

everdonebefore?GOLDBERG.Tch,tch,tch.MCCANN.No,justtellmethat.Justthat,andIwon’taskanymore.

GOLDBERGsighs,stands,goesbehindthetable,ponders, looksatMCCANN,andthenspeaksinaquiet,fluent,officialtone.

GOLDBERG. The main issue is a singular issue and quite distinct from yourpreviouswork.Certainelements,however,mightwellapproximateinpointsofproceduretosomeofyourotheractivities.Allisdependentontheattitudeofoursubject.Atallevents,McCann, Icanassureyou that theassignment

will be carried out and the mission accomplished with no excessiveaggravationtoyouormyself.Satisfied?

MCCANN.Sure.Thankyou,Nat.

MEGenters,left.

GOLDBERG.Ah,MrsBoles?MEG.Yes?GOLDBERG.Wespoketoyourhusbandlastnight.Perhapshementionedus?We

heardthatyoukindlyletroomsforgentlemen.SoIbroughtmyfriendalongwithme.Wewereafteraniceplace,youunderstand.Sowecametoyou.I’mMrGoldbergandthisisMrMcCann.

MEG.Verypleasedtomeetyou.

Theyshakehands.

GOLDBERG.We’repleasedtomeetyou,too.MEG.That’sverynice.GOLDBERG. You’re right. How often do you meet someone it’s a pleasure to

meet?MCCANN.Never.GOLDBERG.Buttodayit’sdifferent.Howareyoukeeping,MrsBoles?MEG.Oh,verywell,thankyou.GOLDBERG.Yes?Really?MEG.Ohyes,really.GOLDBERG.I’mglad.

GOLDBERGsitsatthetable,right.

GOLDBERG.Well, sowhat do you say?You canmanage to put us up, eh,MrsBoles?

MEG.Well,itwouldhavebeeneasierlastweek.GOLDBERG.Itwould,eh?MEG.Yes.GOLDBERG.Why?Howmanyhaveyougothereatthemoment?MEG.Justoneatthemoment.GOLDBERG.Justone?MEG.Yes.Justone.Untilyoucame.GOLDBERG.Andyourhusband,ofcourse?MEG.Yes,buthesleepswithme.GOLDBERG.Whatdoeshedo,yourhusband?

MEG.He’sadeck-chairattendant.GOLDBERG.Oh,verynice.MEG.Yes,he’soutinallweathers.

Shebeginstotakeherpurchasesfromherbag.

GOLDBERG.Ofcourse.Andyourguest?Isheaman?MEG.Aman?GOLDBERG.Orawoman?MEG.No.Aman.GOLDBERG.Beenherelong?MEG.He’sbeenhereaboutayearnow.GOLDBERG.Ohyes.Aresident.What’shisname?MEG.StanleyWebber.GOLDBERG.Ohyes?Doesheworkhere?MEG.Heusedtowork.Heusedtobeapianist.Inaconcertpartyonthepier.GOLDBERG.Ohyes?Onthepier,eh?Doesheplayanicepiano?MEG.Oh,lovely.(Shesitsatthetable.)Heoncegaveaconcert.GOLDBERG.Oh?Where?MEG(falteringly).In…abighall.Hisfathergavehimchampagne.Butthenthey

lockedtheplaceupandhecouldn’tgetout.Thecaretakerhadgonehome.Sohehadtowaituntil themorningbeforehecouldgetout.(Withconfidence.)Theywereverygrateful.(Pause.)Andthentheyallwantedtogivehimatip.Andsohetookthetip.Andthenhegotafasttrainandhecamedownhere.

GOLDBERG.Really?MEG.Ohyes.Straightdown.

Pause.

MEG.Iwishhecouldhaveplayedtonight.GOLDBERG.Whytonight?MEG.It’shisbirthdaytoday.GOLDBERG.Hisbirthday?MEG.Yes.Today.ButI’mnotgoingtotellhimuntiltonight.GOLDBERG.Doesn’theknowit’shisbirthday?MEG.Hehasn’tmentionedit.GOLDBERG(thoughtfully).Ah!Tellme.Areyougoingtohaveaparty?MEG.Aparty?GOLDBERG.Weren’tyougoingtohaveone?

MEG(hereyeswide).No.GOLDBERG.Well,ofcourse,youmusthaveone.(Hestands.)We’llhaveaparty,

eh?Whatdoyousay?MEG.Ohyes!GOLDBERG.Sure.We’llgivehimaparty.Leaveittome.MEG.Oh,that’swonderful,MrGold—GOLDBERG.Berg.MEG.Berg.GOLDBERG.Youliketheidea?MEG.Oh,I’msogladyoucametoday.GOLDBERG. Ifwehadn’tcometodaywe’dhavecometomorrow.Still, I’mglad

wecametoday.Justintimeforhisbirthday.MEG.IwantedtohaveapartyButyoumusthavepeopleforaparty.GOLDBERG.Andnowyou’vegotMcCannandme.McCann’sthelifeandsoulof

anyparty.MCCANN.What?GOLDBERG.Whatdoyouthinkofthat,McCann?There’sagentlemanlivinghere.

He’sgotabirthday today,andhe’s forgottenallabout it.Sowe’regoing toremindhim.We’regoingtogivehimaparty.

MCCANN.Oh,isthatafact?MEG.Tonight.GOLDBERG.Tonight.MEG.I’llputonmypartydress.GOLDBERG.AndI’llgetsomebottles.MEG.AndI’llinviteLuluthisafternoon.Oh,thisisgoingtocheerStanleyup.It

will.He’sbeendowninthedumpslately.GOLDBERG.We’llbringhimoutofhimself.MEG.IhopeIlookniceinmydress.GOLDBERG.Madam,you’lllooklikeatulip.MEG.Whatcolour?GOLDBERG.Er—well,I’llhavetoseethedressfirst.MCCANN.CouldIgouptomyroom?MEG.Oh,I’veputyoubothtogether.Doyoumindbeingbothtogether?GOLDBERG.Idon’tmind.Doyoumind,McCann?MCCANN.No.MEG.Whattimeshallwehavetheparty?GOLDBERG.Nineo’clock.

MCCANN(atthedoor).Isthistheway?MEG(rising).I’llshowyou.Ifyoudon’tmindcomingupstairs.GOLDBERG.Withatulip?It’sapleasure.

MEGandGOLDBERGexit laughing, followedbyMCCANN. STANLEYappearsatthewindow.Heentersbythebackdoor.Hegoestothedoorontheleft,opens itand listens.Silence,Hewalks to the table.Hestands.Hesits,asMEGenters.Shecrossesandhangshershoppingbagonahook.Helightsamatchandwatchesitburn.

STANLEY.Whoisit?MEG.Thetwogentlemen.STANLEY.Whattwogentlemen?MEG. The ones that were coming. I just took them to their room. They were

thrilledwiththeirroom.STANLEY.They’vecome?MEG.They’reverynice,Stan.STANLEY.Whydidn’ttheycomelastnight?MEG.Theysaidthebedswerewonderful.STANLEY.Whoarethey?MEG(sitting).They’reverynice,Stanley.STANLEY.Isaid,whoarethey?MEG.I’vetoldyou,thetwogentlemen.STANLEY.Ididn’tthinkthey’dcome.

Herisesandwalkstothewindow.

MEG.Theyhave.TheywereherewhenIcamein.STANLEY.Whatdotheywanthere?MEG.Theywanttostay.STANLEY.Howlongfor?MEG.Theydidn’tsay.STANLEY(turning).Butwhyhere?Whynotsomewhereelse?MEG.Thishouseisonthelist.STANLEY(comingdown).Whataretheycalled?Whataretheirnames?MEG.Oh,Stanley,Ican’tremember.STANLEY.Theytoldyou,didn’tthey?Ordidn’ttheytellyou?MEG.Yes,they….STANLEY.Thenwhatarethey?Comeon.Trytoremember.

MEG.Why,Stan?Doyouknowthem?STANLEY.HowdoIknowifIknowthemuntilIknowtheirnames?MEG.Well…hetoldme,Iremember.STANLEY.Well?

Shethinks.

MEG.Gold—something.STANLEY.Goldsomething?MEG.Yes.Gold….STANLEY.Yes?MEG.Goldberg.STANLEY.Goldberg?MEG.That’sright.Thatwasoneofthem.

STANLEYslowlysitsatthetable,left.

Doyouknowthem?

STANLEYdoesnotanswer.

Stan,theywon’twakeyouup,Ipromise.I’lltellthemtheymustbequiet.

STANLEYsitsstill.

Theywon’tbeherelong,Stan.I’llstillbringyouupyourearlymorningtea.

STANLEYsitsstill.

Youmustn’tbesadtoday.It’syourbirthday.

Apause.

STANLEY(dumbly).Uh?MEG.It’syourbirthday,Stan.Iwasgoingtokeepitasecretuntiltonight.STANLEY.No.MEG. It is. I’vebroughtyouapresent. (Shegoes to thesideboard,picksup theparcel,andplacesitonthetableinfrontofhim.)Here.Goon.Openit.

STANLEY.What’sthis?MEG.It’syourpresent.STANLEY.Thisisn’tmybirthday,Meg.MEG.Ofcourseitis.Openyourpresent.

Hestaresat theparcel, slowlystands,andopens it. He takes out a boy’sdrum.

STANLEY(flatly).It’sadrum.Aboy’sdrum.MEG(tenderly).It’sbecauseyouhaven’tgotapiano.(Hestaresather,thenturnsandwalks towards thedoor, left.)Aren’t yougoing togivemeakiss? (Heturnssharply,andstops.Hewalksbacktowardsherslowly.Hestopsatherchair,lookingdownuponher.Pause.Hisshoulderssag,hebendsandkissesheron thecheek.)There are some sticks in there. (STANLEY looks into theparcel.Hetakesouttwodrumsticks.Hetapsthemtogether.Helooksather.)

STANLEY.ShallIputitroundmyneck?

Shewatcheshim,uncertainly.Hehangs thedrumaroundhisneck, taps itgently with the sticks, then marches round the table, beating itregularly.MEG,pleased,watcheshim.Stillbeatingitregularly,hebeginstogoroundthetableasecondtime.Halfwayroundthebeatbecomeserratic,uncontrolled.MEG expresses dismay.He arrives at her chair, banging thedrum,hisfaceandthedrumbeatnowsavageandpossessed.

Curtain

ACTTWO

MCCANN is sitting at the table tearing a sheet of newspaper into fiveequalstrips.It isevening.Afterafewmoments STANLEY enters fromthe left. He stops upon seeing MCCANN, and watches him. He thenwalkstowardsthekitchen,stops,andspeaks.

STANLEY.Evening.MCCANN.Evening.

Chucklesareheardfromoutsidethebackdoor,whichisopen.

STANLEY. Very warm tonight. (He turns towards the back door, and back.)Someoneoutthere?

MCCANN tearsanother lengthofpaper.STANLEY goes into the kitchenandpoursaglassofwater.Hedrinksitlookingthroughthehatch.Heputstheglassdown,comesoutof thekitchenandwalksquickly towards thedoor,left.MCCANNrisesandinterceptshim.

MCCANN.Idon’tthinkwe’vemet.STANLEY.No,wehaven’t.MCCANN.Myname’sMcCann.STANLEY.Stayingherelong?MCCANN.Notlong.What’syourname?STANLEY.Webber.MCCANN. I’mglad tomeet you, sir. (Heoffershis hand. STANLEY takes it, and

MCCANNholdsthegrip.)Manyhappyreturnsoftheday.(STANLEYwithdrawshishand.Theyfaceeachother.)Wereyougoingout?

STANLEY.Yes.MCCANN.Onyourbirthday?STANLEY.Yes.Whynot?MCCANN.Butthey’reholdingapartyhereforyoutonight.STANLEY.Ohreally?That’sunfortunate.MCCANN.Ahno.It’sverynice.

Voicesfromoutsidethebackdoor.

STANLEY.I’msorry.I’mnotinthemoodforapartytonight.MCCANN.Oh,isthatso?I’msorry.STANLEY.Yes,I’mgoingouttocelebratequietly,onmyown.MCCANN.That’sashame.

Theystand.

STANLEY.Well,ifyou’dmoveoutofmyway—MCCANN.Buteverything’slaidon.Theguestsareexpected.STANLEY.Guests?Whatguests?MCCANN.Myselfforone.Ihadthehonourofaninvitation.

MCCANNbeginstowhistle“TheMountainsofMorne”.

STANLEY (movingaway). Iwouldn’t call it an honour,would you? It’ll just beanotherbooze-up.

STANLEYjoinsMCCANNinwhistling“TheMountainsofMorne”.Duringthenext five lines the whistling is continuous, one whistling while the otherspeaks,andbothwhistlingtogether.

MCCANN.Butitisanhonour.STANLEY.I’dsayyouwereexaggerating.MCCANN.Ohno.I’dsayitwasanhonour.STANLEY.I’dsaythatwasplainstupid.MCCANN.Ahno.

Theystareateachother.

STANLEY.Whoaretheotherguests?MCCANN.Ayounglady.STANLEY.Ohyes?And….?MCCANN.Myfriend.STANLEY.Yourfriend?MCCANN.That’sright.It’salllaidon.

STANLEYwalksroundthetabletowardsthedoor.MCCANNmeetshim.

STANLEY.Excuseme.MCCANN.Whereareyougoing?STANLEY.Iwanttogoout.MCCANN.Whydon’tyoustayhere?

STANLEYmovesaway,totherightofthetable.

STANLEY.Soyou’redownhereonholiday?MCCANN.A short one. (STANLEY picks up a strip of paper.MCCANNmoves in.)

Mindthat.STANLEY.Whatisit?MCCANN.Mindit.Leaveit.STANLEY.I’vegotafeelingwe’vemetbefore.MCCANN.Nowehaven’t.STANLEY.EverbeenanywherenearMaidenhead?MCCANN.No.STANLEY.There’saFuller’steashop.Iusedtohavemyteathere.MCCANN.Idon’tknowit.STANLEY.AndaBootsLibrary.IseemtoconnectyouwiththeHighStreet.MCCANN.Yes?STANLEY.Acharmingtown,don’tyouthink?MCCANN.Idon’tknowit.STANLEY.Ohno.Aquiet,thrivingcommunity.Iwasbornandbroughtupthere.I

livedwellawayfromthemainroad.MCCANN.Yes?

Pause.

STANLEY.You’rehereonashortstay?MCCANN.That’sright.STANLEY.You’llfinditverybracing.MCCANN.Doyoufinditbracing?STANLEY.Me?No.Butyouwill. (Hesitsat the table.) I like ithere,but I’llbe

movingsoon.Backhome.I’llstaythere too, this time.Noplacelikehome.(Helaughs.) Iwouldn’thave left, butbusiness calls.Business called, and Ihadtoleaveforabit.Youknowhowitis.

MCCANN(sittingatthetable,left).Youinbusiness?STANLEY.No. I thinkI’llgive itup. I’vegotasmallprivate income,yousee. I

think I’ll give it up.Don’t like being away fromhome. I used to live veryquietly—played records, that’s about all. Everything delivered to the door.ThenIstartedalittleprivatebusiness,inasmallway,anditcompelledmetocome down here—kept me longer than I expected. You never get used tolivinginsomeoneelse’shouse.Don’tyouagree?Ilivedsoquietly.Youcanonlyappreciatewhatyou’vehadwhen thingschange.That’swhat theysay,

isn’tit?Cigarette?MCCANN.Idon’tsmoke.

STANLEYlightsacigarette.Voicesfromtheback.

STANLEY.Who’soutthere?MCCANN.Myfriendandthemanofthehouse.STANLEY.Youknowwhat?Tolookatme,Ibetyouwouldn’tthinkI’dledsucha

quietlife.Thelinesonmyface,eh?It’sthedrink.Beendrinkingabitdownhere.ButwhatImeanis…youknowhowitis…awayfromyourown…allwrong,ofcourse…I’llbeallrightwhenIgetback…butwhatImeanis,thewaysomepeoplelookatmeyou’dthinkIwasadifferentperson.IsupposeIhave changed, but I’m still the same man that I always was. I mean, youwouldn’tthink,tolookatme,really…Imean,notreally,thatIwasthesortof bloke to—to cause any trouble,would you? (MCCANN looks at him.)DoyouknowwhatImean?

MCCANN.No.(AsSTANLEYpicksupastripofpaper.)Mindthat.STANLEY(quickly).Whyareyoudownhere?MCCANN.Ashortholiday.STANLEY.Thisisaridiculoushousetopickon.(Herises.)MCCANN.Why?STANLEY.Becauseit’snotaboardinghouse.Itneverwas.MCCANN.Sureitis.STANLEY.Whydidyouchoosethishouse?MCCANN.Youknow,sir,you’reabitdepressedforamanonhisbirthday.STANLEY(sharply).Whydoyoucallmesir?MCCANN.Youdon’tlikeit?STANLEY(tothetable.)Listen.Don’tcallmesir.MCCANN.Iwon’t,ifyoudon’tlikeit.STANLEY(movingaway).No.Anyway,thisisn’tmybirthday.MCCANN.No?STANLEY.No.It’snottillnextmonth.MCCANN.Notaccordingtothelady.STANLEY.Her?She’scrazy.Roundthebend.MCCANN.That’saterriblethingtosay.STANLEY(tothetable).Haven’tyoufoundthatoutyet?There’sa lotyoudon’t

know.Ithinksomeone’sleadingyouupthegardenpath.MCCANN.Whowoulddothat?

STANLEY(leaningacrossthetable).Thatwomanismad!MCCANN.That’sslander.STANLEY.Andyoudon’tknowwhatyou’redoing.MCCANN.Yourcigaretteisnearthatpaper.

Voicesfromtheback.

STANLEY.Wherethehellarethey?(Stubbinghiscigarette.)Whydon’ttheycomein?Whataretheydoingoutthere?

MCCANN.Youwanttosteadyyourself.

STANLEYcrossestohimandgripshisarm.

STANLEY(urgently).Look—MCCANN.Don’ttouchme.STANLEY.Look.Listenaminute.MCCANN.Letgomyarm.STANLEY.Look.Sitdownaminute.MCCANN(savagely,hittinghisarm).Don’tdothat!

STANLEYbacksacrossthestage,holdinghisarm.

STANLEY.Listen.YouknewwhatIwastalkingaboutbefore,didn’tyou?MCCANN.Idon’tknowwhatyou’reatatall.STANLEY.It’samistake!Doyouunderstand?MCCANN.You’reinabadstate,man.STANLEY(whispering,advancing).Hashetoldyouanything?Doyouknowwhat

you’reherefor?Tellme.Youneedn’tbefrightenedofme.Orhasn’thetoldyou?

MCCANN.Toldmewhat?STANLEY(hissing).I’veexplainedtoyou,damnyou,thatallthoseyearsIlivedin

BasingstokeIneversteppedoutsidethedoor.MCCANN.Youknow,I’mflabbergastedwithyou.STANLEY(reasonably).Look.Youlookanhonestman.You’rebeingmadeafool

of,that’sall.Youunderstand?Wheredoyoucomefrom?MCCANN.Wheredoyouthink?STANLEY. IknowIrelandverywell. I’vemanyfriendsthere.I lovethatcountry

andIadmireandtrustitspeople.Itrustthem.Theyrespectthetruthandtheyhave a sense of humour. I think their policemen are wonderful. I’ve beenthere. I’veneverseensuchsunsets.Whataboutcomingout tohaveadrinkwithme?There’sapubdowntheroadservesdraughtGuinness.Verydifficult

togetintheseparts—(Hebreaksoff.Thevoicesdrawnearer.GOLDBERGandPETEYenterfromthebackdoor.)

GOLDBERG(asheenters).Amotherinamillion.(HeseesSTANLEY.)Ah.PETEY.Ohhullo,Stan.Youhaven’tmetStanley,haveyou,MrGoldberg?GOLDBERG.Ihaven’thadthepleasure.PETEY.Ohwell,thisisMrGoldberg,thisisMrWebber.GOLDBERG.Pleasedtomeetyou.PETEY.Wewerejustgettingabitofairinthegarden.GOLDBERG.IwastellingMrBolesaboutmyoldmum.Whatdays.(Hesitsatthetable,right.)Yes.WhenIwasayoungster,ofaFriday,Iusedtogoforawalkdownthecanalwithagirlwholiveddownmyroad.Abeautifulgirl.Whatavoice that bird had! A nightingale, my word of honour. Good? Pure? Shewasn’t a Sunday school teacher for nothing. Anyway, I’d leave her with alittlekisson thecheek—Inever took liberties—weweren’t like theyoungmenthesedaysinthosedays.Weknewthemeaningofrespect.SoI’dgiveher a peck and I’d bowl back home. Humming away I’d be, past thechildren’splayground.I’dtipmyhattothetoddlers,I’dgiveahelpinghandtoacoupleofstraydogs,everythingcamenatural.Icanseeitlikeyesterday.Thesunfallingbehindthedogstadium.Ah!(Heleansbackcontentedly.)

MCCANN.Likebehindthetownhall.GOLDBERG.Whattownhall?MCCANN.InCarrikmacross.GOLDBERG.There’snocomparison.Upthestreet, intomygate, insidethedoor,

home.“Simey!”myoldmumusedtoshout,“quickbeforeitgetscold.”AndthereonthetablewhatwouldIsee?Thenicestpieceofgefiltefishyoucouldwishtofindonaplate.

MCCANN.IthoughtyournamewasNat.GOLDBERG.ShecalledmeSimey.PETEY.Yes,weallrememberourchildhood.GOLDBERG. Too true. Eh,MrWebber, what do you say? ChildhoodHotwater

bottles.Hotmilk.Pancakes.Soapsuds.Whatalife.

Pause.

PETEY(risingfromthetable).Well,I’llhavetobeoff.GOLDBERG.Off?PETEY.It’smychessnight.GOLDBERG.You’renotstayingfortheparty?

PETEY.No,I’msorry,Stan.Ididn’tknowaboutittilljustnow.Andwe’vegotagameon.I’lltryandgetbackearly.

GOLDBERG.We’llsavesomedrinkforyou,allright?Oh,thatremindsme.You’dbettergoandcollectthebottles.

MCCANN.Now?GOLDBERG. Of course, now. Time’s getting on. Round the corner, remember?

Mentionmyname.PETEY.I’mcomingyourway.GOLDBERG.Beathimquickandcomeback,MrBoles.PETEY.Domybest.Seeyoulater,Stan.

PETEYandMCCANNgoout,left.STANLEYmovestothecentre.

GOLDBERG.Awarmnight.STANLEY(turning).Don’tmessmeabout!GOLDBERG.Ibegyourpardon?STANLEY (movingdownstage). I’mafraid there’sbeenamistake.We’rebooked

out. Your room is taken.Mrs Boles forgot to tell you. You’ll have to findsomewhereelse.

GOLDBERG.Areyouthemanagerhere?STANLEY.That’sright.GOLDBERG.Isitagoodgame?STANLEY.Irunthehouse.I’mafraidyouandyourfriendwillhavetofindother

accommodation.GOLDBERG (rising). Oh, I forgot, I must congratulate you on your birthday.

(Offeringhishand.)Congratulations.STANLEY(ignoringhand).Perhapsyou’redeaf.GOLDBERG.No,whatmakesyouthinkthat?Asamatteroffact,everysingleone

ofmy senses is at its peak.Not badgoing, eh?For amanpast fifty.But abirthday,Ialwaysfeel,isagreatoccasion,takentoomuchforgrantedthesedays. What a thing to celebrate—birth! Like getting up in the morning.Marvellous! Some people don’t like the idea of getting up in themorning.I’veheardthem.Gettingupinthemorning,theysay,whatisit?Yourskin’scrabby,youneeda shave,your eyesare full ofmuck,yourmouth is like aboghouse,thepalmsofyourhandsarefullofsweat,yournoseiscloggedup,yourfeetstink,whatareyoubutacorpsewaitingtobewashed?WheneverIhearthatpointofviewIfeelcheerful.BecauseIknowwhatitistowakeupwiththesunshining, to thesoundof the lawnmower,all the littlebirds, the

smellofthegrass,churchbells,tomatojuice—STANLEY.GetOut.

EnterMCCANN,withbottles.

Getthatdrinkout.Theseareunlicensedpremises.GOLDBERG.You’reinaterriblehumourtoday,MrWebber.Andonyourbirthday

too,withthegoodladygettingherstrengthuptogiveyouaparty.

MCCANNputsthebottlesonthesideboard.

STANLEY.Itoldyoutogetthosebottlesout.GOLDBERG.MrWebber,sitdownaminute.STANLEY. Let me—just make this clear. You don’t bother me. To me, you’re

nothingbutadirtyjoke.ButIhavearesponsibilitytowardsthepeopleinthishouse.They’vebeendownheretoolong.They’velosttheirsenseofsmell.Ihaven’t.Andnobody’s going to take advantageof themwhile I’mhere. (Alittlelessforceful.)Anyway,thishouseisn’tyourcupoftea.There’snothinghereforyou, fromanyangle,anyangle.Sowhydon’tyou justgo,withoutanymorefuss?

GOLDBERG.MrWebber,sitdown.STANLEY.It’snogoodstartinganykindoftrouble.GOLDBERG.Sitdown.STANLEY.WhyshouldI?GOLDBERG.Ifyouwanttoknowthetruth,Webber,you’rebeginningtogetonmy

breasts.STANLEY.Really?Well,that’s—GOLDBERG.Sitdown.STANLEY.No.

GOLDBERGsighs,andsitsatthetableright.

GOLDBERG.McCann.MCCANN.Nat?GOLDBERG.Askhimtositdown.MCCANN.Yes,Nat.(MCCANNmovestoSTANLEY.)Doyoumindsittingdown?STANLEY.Yes,Idomind.MCCANN.Yesnow,but—it’dbebetterifyoudid.STANLEY.Whydon’tyousitdown?MCCANN.No,notme—you.STANLEY.Nothanks.

Pause.

MCCANN.Nat.GOLDBERG.What?MCCANN.Hewon’tsitdown.GOLDBERG.Well,askhim.MCCANN.I’veaskedhim.GOLDBERG.Askhimagain.MCCANN(toSTANLEY).Sitdown.STANLEY.Why?MCCANN.You’dbemorecomfortable.STANLEY.Sowouldyou.

Pause.

MCCANN.Allright.IfyouwillIwill.STANLEY.Youfirst.

MCCANNslowlysitsatthetable,left

MCCANN.Well?STANLEY.Right.Nowyou’vebothhadarestyoucangetout!MCCANN(rising).That’sadirtytrick!I’llkicktheshiteoutofhim!GOLDBERG(rising).No!Ihavestoodup.MCCANN.Sitdownagain!GOLDBERG.OnceI’mupI’mup.STANLEY.Samehere.MCCANN(movingtoSTANLEY).You’vemadeMrGoldbergstandup.STANLEY(hisvoicerising).It’lldohimgood!MCCANN.Getinthatseat.GOLDBERG.McCann.MCCANN.Getdowninthatseat!GOLDBERG(crossingtohim).Webber.(Quietly.)SITDOWN.

(Silence. STANLEY begins to whistle “TheMountains ofMorne”.He strollscasuallytothechairatthetable.Theywatchhim.Hestopswhistling.Silence.Hesits.)

STANLEY.You’dbetterbecareful.GOLDBERG.Webber,whatwereyoudoingyesterday?STANLEY.Yesterday?GOLDBERG.Andthedaybefore.Whatdidyoudothedaybeforethat?

STANLEY.Whatdoyoumean?GOLDBERG. Why are you wasting everybody’s time, Webber? Why are you

gettingineverybody’sway?STANLEY.Me?Whatareyou—GOLDBERG.I’mtellingyou,Webber.You’reawashout.Whyareyougettingon

everybody’swick?Whyareyoudrivingthatoldladyoffherconk?MCCANN.Helikestodoit!GOLDBERG.Whydoyoubehave sobadly,Webber?Whydoyou force that old

manouttoplaychess?STANLEY.Me?GOLDBERG.Why do you treat that young lady like a leper?She’s not the leper,

Webber!STANLEY.Whatthe—GOLDBERG.What did you wear last week,Webber?Where do you keep your

suits?MCCANN.Whydidyouleavetheorganization?GOLDBERG.Whatwouldyouroldmumsay,Webber?MCCANN.Whydidyoubetrayus?GOLDBERG.Youhurtme,Webber.You’replayingadirtygame.MCCANN.That’saBlackandTanfact.GOLDBERG.Whodoeshethinkheis?MCCANN.Whodoyouthinkyouare?STANLEY.You’reonthewronghorse.GOLDBERG.Whendidyoucometothisplace?STANLEY.Lastyear.GOLDBERG.Wheredidyoucomefrom?STANLEY.Somewhereelse.GOLDBERG.Whydidyoucomehere?STANLEY.Myfeethurt!GOLDBERG.Whydidyoustay?STANLEY.Ihadaheadache!GOLDBERG.Didyoutakeanythingforit?STANLEY.Yes.GOLDBERG.What?STANLEY.Fruitsalts!GOLDBERG.EnosorAndrews?STANLEY.En—An—

GOLDBERG.Didyoustirproperly?Didtheyfizz?STANLEY.Now,now,wait,you—GOLDBERG.Didtheyfizz?Didtheyfizzordidn’ttheyfizz?MCCANN.Hedoesn’tknow!GOLDBERG.Youdon’tknow.Whendidyoulasthaveabath?STANLEY.Ihaveoneevery—GOLDBERG.Don’tlie.MCCANN.Youbetrayedtheorganization.Iknowhim!STANLEY.Youdon’t!GOLDBERG.Whatcanyouseewithoutyourglasses?STANLEY.Anything.GOLDBERG.Takeoffhisglasses.

MCCANNsnatcheshisglassesandasSTANLEYrises,reachingforthem,takeshis chair downstage centre, below the table, STANLEY stumbling as hefollows.STANLEYclutchesthechairandstaysbentoverit.

Webber,you’reafake.(Theystandoneachsideofthechair.)Whendidyoulastwashupacup?

STANLEY.TheChristmasbeforelast.GOLDBERG.Where?STANLEY.LyonsCornerHouse.GOLDBERG.Whichone?STANLEY.MarbleArch.GOLDBERG.Wherewasyourwife?STANLEY.In—GOLDBERG.Answer.STANLEY(turning,crouched).Whatwife?GOLDBERG.Whathaveyoudonewithyourwife?MCCANN.He’skilledhiswife!GOLDBERG.Whydidyoukillyourwife?STANLEY(sitting,hisbacktotheaudience).Whatwife?MCCANN.Howdidhekillher?GOLDBERG.Howdidyoukillher?MCCANN.Youthrottledher.GOLDBERG.Witharsenic.MCCANN.There’syourman!GOLDBERG.Where’syouroldmum?

STANLEY.Inthesanatorium.MCCANN.Yes!GOLDBERG.Whydidyounevergetmarried?MCCANN.Shewaswaitingattheporch.GOLDBERG.Youskeddadledfromthewedding.MCCANN.Heleftherinthelurch.GOLDBERG.Youleftherinthepuddingclub.MCCANN.Shewaswaitingatthechurch.GOLDBERG.Webber!Whydidyouchangeyourname?STANLEY.Iforgottheotherone.GOLDBERG.What’syournamenow?STANLEY.JoeSoap.GOLDBERG.Youstinkofsin.MCCANN.Icansmellit.GOLDBERG.Doyourecogniseanexternalforce?STANLEY.What?GOLDBERG.Doyourecogniseanexternalforce?MCCANN.That’sthequestion!GOLDBERG.Doyourecogniseanexternalforce,responsibleforyou,sufferingfor

you?STANLEY.It’slate.GOLDBERG.Late!Lateenough!Whendidyoulastpray?MCCANN.He’ssweating!GOLDBERG.Whendidyoulastpray?MCCANN.He’ssweating!GOLDBERG.Isthenumber846possibleornecessary?STANLEY.Neither.GOLDBERG.Wrong!Isthenumber846possibleornecessary?STANLEY.Both.GOLDBERG.Wrong!It’snecessarybutnotpossible.STANLEY.Both.GOLDBERG.Wrong!Whydoyouthinkthenumber846isnecessarilypossible?STANLEY.Mustbe.GOLDBERG. Wrong! It’s only necessarily necessary!We admit possibility only

after we grant necessity. It is possible because necessary but by nomeansnecessary throughpossibility.Thepossibilitycanonlybeassumedafter theproofofnecessity.

MCCANN.Right!GOLDBERG.Right?Of course right!We’re right and you’rewrong,Webber, all

alongtheline.MCCANN.Allalongtheline!GOLDBERG.Whereisyourlecheryleadingyou?MCCANN.You’llpayforthis.GOLDBERG.Youstuffyourselfwithdrytoast.MCCANN.Youcontaminatewomankind.GOLDBERG.Whydon’tyoupaytherent?MCCANN.Motherdefiler!GOLDBERG.Whydoyoupickyournose?MCCANN.Idemandjustice!GOLDBERG.What’syourtrade?MCCANN.WhataboutIreland?GOLDBERG.What’syourtrade?STANLEY.Iplaythepiano.GOLDBERG.Howmanyfingersdoyouuse?STANLEY.Nohands!GOLDBERG.Nosocietywouldtouchyou.Notevenabuildingsociety.MCCANN.You’reatraitortothecloth.GOLDBERG.Whatdoyouuseforpyjamas?STANLEY.Nothing.GOLDBERG.Youverminatethesheetofyourbirth.MCCANN.WhatabouttheAlbigensenistheresy?GOLDBERG.WhowateredthewicketinMelbourne?MCCANN.WhatabouttheblessedOliverPlunkett?GOLDBERG.Speakup,Webber.Whydidthechickencrosstheroad?STANLEY.Hewantedto—hewantedto—hewantedto….MCCANN.Hedoesn’tknow!GOLDBERG.Whydidthechickencrosstheroad?STANLEY.Hewantedto—hewantedto….GOLDBERG.Whydidthechickencrosstheroad?STANLEY.Hewanted….MCCANN.Hedoesn’tknow.Hedoesn’tknowwhichcamefirst!GOLDBERG.Whichcamefirst?MCCANN.Chicken?Egg?Whichcamefirst?GOLDBERGandMCCANN.Whichcamefirst?Whichcamefirst?Whichcamefirst?

STANLEYscreams.

GOLDBERG.Hedoesn’tknow.Doyouknowyourownface?MCCANN.Wakehimup.Stickaneedleinhiseye.GOLDBERG.You’reaplague,Webber.You’reanoverthrow.MCCANN.You’rewhat’sleft!GOLDBERG.Butwe’vegottheanswertoyou.Wecansteriliseyou.MCCANN.WhataboutDrogheda?GOLDBERG.Yourbiteisdead.Onlyyourpongisleft.MCCANN.Youbetrayedourland.GOLDBERG.Youbetrayourbreed.MCCANN.Whoareyou,Webber?GOLDBERG.Whatmakesyouthinkyouexist?MCCANN.You’redead.GOLDBERG.You’redead.Youcan’tlive,youcan’tthink,youcan’tlove.You’re

dead.You’reaplaguegonebad.There’snojuiceinyou.You’renothingbutanodour!

Silence. They stand over him. He is crouched in the chair.He looks upslowly and kicks GOLDBERG in the stomach. GOLDBERG falls. STANLEYstands.MCCANNseizesachairandliftsitabovehishead.STANLEYseizesachairandcovershisheadwithit.MCCANNandSTANLEYcircle.

GOLDBERG.Steady,McCann.STANLEY(circling).Uuuuuhhhhh!MCCANN.Right,Judas.GOLDBERG(rising).Steady,McCann.MCCANN.Comeon!STANLEY.Uuuuuuuhhhhh!MCCANN.He’ssweating.STANLEY.Uuuuuhhhhh!GOLDBERG.Easy,McCann.MCCANN.Thebastardsweatpigissweating.

Alouddrumbeatoff left,descending thestairs.GOLDBERG takes the chairfrom STANLEY. They put the chairs down. They stop still. EnterMEG, ineveningdress,holdingsticksanddrum.

MEG.Ibroughtthedrumdown.I’mdressedfortheparty.GOLDBERG.Wonderful.

MEG.Youlikemydress?GOLDBERG.Wonderful.Outofthisworld.MEG.Iknow.Myfathergaveittome.(Placingdrumontable.)Doesn’titmakea

beautifulnoise?GOLDBERG. It’s a fine piece of work. Maybe Stan’ll play us a little tune

afterwards.MEG.Ohyes.Willyou,Stan?STANLEY.CouldIhavemyglasses?GOLDBERG.Ahyes.(Heholdshishandout toMCCANN.MCCANNpasseshimhisglasses.) Here they are. (He holds them out for STANLEY, who reaches forthem.)Here they are. (STANLEY takes them.)Now.What havewe got here?Enoughtoscuttlealiner.We’vegotfourbottlesofScotchandonebottleofIrish.

MEG.Oh,MrGoldberg,whatshouldIdrink?GOLDBERG.Glasses,glassesfirst.OpentheScotch,McCann.MEG(atthesideboard).Here’smyverybestglassesinhere.MCCANN.Idon’tdrinkScotch.GOLDBERG.You’vegottheIrish.MEG(bringingtheglasses).Heretheyare.GOLDBERG.Good.MrsBoles,IthinkStanleyshouldpourthetoast,don’tyou?MEG.Ohyes.Comeon,Stanley.(STANLEYwalksslowlytothetable.)Doyoulike

mydress,MrGoldberg?GOLDBERG.It’soutonitsown.Turnyourselfroundaminute.Iusedtobeinthe

business.Goon,walkupthere.MEG.Ohno.GOLDBERG.Don’tbeshy.(Heslapsherbottom.)MEG.Oooh!GOLDBERG.Walk up the boulevard.Let’s have a look at you.What a carriage.

What’syouropinion,McCann?LikeaCountess,nothingless.Madam,nowturnaboutandpromenadetothekitchen.Whatadeportment!

MCCANN(toSTANLEY).YoucanpourmyIrishtoo.GOLDBERG.YoulooklikeaGladiola.MEG.Stan,whataboutmydress?GOLDBERG.Oneforthelady,oneforthelady.Nowmadam—yourglass.MEG.Thankyou.GOLDBERG.Liftyourglasses,ladiesandgentlemen.We’lldrinkatoast.MEG.Luluisn’there.

GOLDBERG. It’s past the hour. Now—who’s going to propose the toast? MrsBoles,itcanonlybeyou.

MEG.Me?GOLDBERG.Whoelse?MEG.ButwhatdoIsay?GOLDBERG. Saywhat you feel.What you honestly feel. (MEG looks uncertain.)

It’sStanley’sbirthday.YourStanley.Lookathim.Lookathimandit’llcome.Wait a minute, the light’s too strong. Let’s have proper lighting.McCann,haveyougotyourtorch?

MCCANN(bringingasmalltorchfromhispocket).Here.GOLDBERG.Switchoutthelightandputonyourtorch.(MCCANNgoestothedoor,switches off the light, comes back, shines the torch on MEG. Outside thewindowthere isstilla faint light.)Not on the lady, on the gentleman!Youmust shine it on the birthday boy. (MCCANN shines the torch in STANLEY’Sface.)Now,MrsBoles,it’sallyours.

Pause.

MEG.Idon’tknowwhattosay.GOLDBERG.Lookathim.Justlookathim.MEG.Isn’tthelightinhiseyes?GOLDBERG.No,no.Goon.MEG.Well—it’svery,verynice tobehere tonight, inmyhouse, and Iwant to

proposeatoasttoStanley,becauseit’shisbirthday,andhe’slivedhereforalong while now, and he’s my Stanley now. And I think he’s a good boy,althoughsometimeshe’sbad. (Anappreciative laugh fromGOLDBERG.) Andhe’s the only Stanley I know, and I know him better than all the world,althoughhedoesn’tthinkso.(“Hear—hear”fromGOLDBERG.)Well, Icouldcry because I’m so happy, having him here and not gone away, on hisbirthday, and there isn’t anything Iwouldn’t do for him, and all you goodpeopleheretonight….(Shesobs.)

GOLDBERG. Beautiful!A beautiful speech. Put the light on,McCann. (MCCANNgoes to thedoor.STANLEYremainsstill.)Thatwas a lovely toast. (The lightgoeson.LULUenters fromthedoor, left.GOLDBERGcomfortsMEG.)Buckupnow.Comeon,smileatthebirdy.That’sbetter.Ah,lookwho’shere.

MEG.Lulu.GOLDBERG.Howdoyoudo,Lulu?I’mNatGoldberg.LULU.Hallo.

GOLDBERG.Stanley, adrink foryourguest.You justmissed the toast,mydear,andwhatatoast.

LULU.DidI?GOLDBERG. Stanley, a drink for your guest. Stanley. (STANLEYhandsa glass to

LULU.)Right.Now raise your glasses. Everyone standing up?No, not you,Stanley.Youmustsitdown.

MCCANN.Yes,that’sright.Hemustsitdown.GOLDBERG.Youdon’tmindsittingdownaminute?We’regoingtodrinktoyou.MEG.Comeon!LULU.Comeon!

STANLEYsitsinachairatthetable.

GOLDBERG.Right.NowStanley’s satdown. (Taking thestage.)Well, Iwant tosayfirstthatI’veneverbeensotouchedtotheheartasbythetoastwe’vejustheard.Howoften,inthisdayandage,doyoucomeacrossreal,truewarmth?Onceinalifetime.Untilafewminutesago,ladiesandgentlemen,I,likeallof you, was asking the same question. What’s happened to the love, thebonhomie,theunashamedexpressionofaffectionofthedaybeforeyesterday,thatourmumstaughtusinthenursery?

MCCANN.Gonewiththewind.GOLDBERG.That’swhatIthought,untiltoday.Ibelieveinagoodlaugh,aday’s

fishing,abitofgardening.Iwasveryproudofmyoldgreenhouse,madeoutofmyownspitandfaith.That’sthesortofmanIam.Notsizebutquality.AlittleAustin,teainFullers,alibrarybookfromBoots,andI’msatisfied.Butjustnow,Isayjustnow,theladyofthehousesaidherpieceandIforoneamknockedoverbythesentimentssheexpressed.Luckyisthemanwho’satthereceiving end, that’swhat I say. (Pause.)How can I put it to you?We allwanderonourtodthroughthisworld.It’salonelypillowtokipon.Right!

LULU(admiringly).Right!GOLDBERG.Agreed.But tonight, Lulu,McCann,we’ve known a great fortune.

We’ve heard a lady extend the sum total of her devotion, in all its pride,plumeandpeacock,toamemberofherownlivingrace.Stanley,myheartfeltcongratulations. Iwish you, onbehalf of us all, a happybirthday. I’m sureyou’veneverbeenaproudermanthanyouaretoday.Mazoltov!Andmayweonly meet at Simchahs! (LULU and MEG applaud.) Turn out the light,McCann,whilewedrinkthetoast.

LULU.Thatwasawonderfulspeech.

MCCANN switches out the light, comes back, and shines the torch inSTANLEY’Sface.Thelightoutsidethewindowisfainter.

GOLDBERG.Liftyourglasses.Stanley—happybirthday.MCCANN.Happybirthday.LULU.Happybirthday.MEG.Manyhappyreturnsoftheday,Stan.GOLDBERG.Andwelloverthefast.

Theyalldrink.

MEG(kissinghim).Oh,Stanny….GOLDBERG.Lights!MCCANN.Right!(Heswitchesonthelights.)MEG.Clinkmyglass,Stan.LULU.MrGoldberg—GOLDBERG.CallmeNat.MEG(toMCCANN).Youclinkmyglass.LULU(toGOLDBERG).You’reempty.Letmefillyouup.GOLDBERG.It’sapleasure.LULU.You’reamarvellousspeaker,Nat,youknowthat?Wheredidyoulearnto

speaklikethat?GOLDBERG.Youlikedit,eh?LULU.Ohyes!GOLDBERG.Well,myfirstchancetostandupandgivealecturewasattheEthical

Hall,Bayswater.Awonderfulopportunity.I’llneverforgetit.Theywereallthere that night.CharlotteStreetwas empty.Of course, that’s agoodwhileago.

LULU.Whatdidyouspeakabout?GOLDBERG. TheNecessary and the Possible. Itwent like a bomb. Since then I

alwaysspeakatweddings.

STANLEY is still. GOLDBERG sits left of the table. MEG joins MCCANNdownstage,right,LULUisdownstage, left. MCCANNpoursmoreIrish fromthebottle,whichhecarries,intohisglass.

MEG.Let’shavesomeofyours.MCCANN.Inthat?MEG.Yes.MCCANN.Areyouusedtomixingthem?

MEG.No.MCCANN.Givemeyourglass.

MEGsits on a shoe-box, downstage, right.LULU, at the table, poursmoredrinkforGOLDBERGandherself,andgivesGOLDBERGhisglass.

GOLDBERG.Thankyou.MEG(toMCCANN).DoyouthinkIshould?GOLDBERG.Lulu,you’reabigbouncygirl.Comeandsitonmylap.MCCANN.Whynot?LULU.DoyouthinkIshould?GOLDBERG.Tryit.MEG(sipping).Verynice.LULU.I’llbounceuptotheceiling.MCCANN.Idon’tknowhowyoucanmixthatstuff.GOLDBERG.Takeachance.MEG(toMCCANN).Sitdownonthisstool.

LULUsitsonGOLDBERG’Slap.

MCCANN.This?GOLDBERG.Comfortable?LULU.Yesthanks.MCCANN(sitting).It’scomfortable.GOLDBERG.Youknow,there’salotinyoureyes.LULU.Andinyours,too.GOLDBERG.Doyouthinkso?LULU(giggling).Goon!MCCANN(toMEG).Where’dyougetit?MEG.Myfathergaveittome.LULU.Ididn’tknowIwasgoingtomeetyouheretonight.MCCANN(toMEG).EverbeentoCarrikmacross?MEG(drinking).I’vebeentoKing’sCross.LULU.Youcamerightoutoftheblue,youknowthat?GOLDBERG(asshemoves).Mindhowyougo.You’recrackingarib.MEG (standing). I want to dance! (LULU andGOLDBERG look into each other’seyes.MCCANNdrinks.MEGcrossestoSTANLEY).Stanley.Dance.(STANLEYsitsstill,MEGdancesroundtheroomalone,thencomesbacktoMCCANN,whofillsherglass.Shesits.)

LULU(toGOLDBERG).ShallItellyousomething?GOLDBERG.What?LULU.Itrustyou.GOLDBERG(liftinghisglass).Gesundheit.LULU.Haveyougotawife?GOLDBERG.Ihadawife.Whatawife.Listentothis.Friday,ofanafternoon,I’d

takemyselfforalittleconstitutional,downoverthepark.Eh,domeafavour,justsitonthetableaminute,willyou?(LULUsitson the table.Hestretchesandcontinues.)Alittleconstitutional.I’dsayhullotothelittleboys,thelittlegirls—Inevermadedistinctions—andthenbackI’dgo,backtomybungalowwith the flat roof. “Simey,” my wife used to shout, “quick, before it getscold!”AndthereonthetablewhatwouldIsee?Thenicestpieceofroll-mopandpickledcucumberyoucouldwishtofindonaplate.

LULU.IthoughtyournamewasNat.GOLDBERG.ShecalledmeSimey.LULU.Ibetyouwereagoodhusband.GOLDBERG.Youshouldhaveseenherfuneral.LULU.Why?GOLDBERG(drawsinhisbreathandwagshead).Whatafuneral.MEG(toMCCANN).MyfatherwasgoingtotakemetoIrelandonce.Butthenhe

wentawaybyhimself.LULU(toGOLDBERG).DoyouthinkyouknewmewhenIwasalittlegirl?GOLDBERG.Wereyouanicelittlegirl?LULU.Iwas.MEG.Idon’tknowifhewenttoIreland.GOLDBERG.MaybeIplayedpiggy-backwithyou.LULU.Maybeyoudid.MEG.Hedidn’ttakeme.GOLDBERG.Orpopgoestheweasel.LULU.Isthatagame?GOLDBERG.Sureit’sagame!MCCANN.Whydidn’thetakeyoutoIreland?LULU.You’reticklingme!GOLDBERG.Youshouldworry.LULU.I’vealwayslikedoldermen.Theycansootheyou.

Theyembrace.

MCCANN.Iknowaplace.Roscrea.MotherNolan’s.MEG.Therewasanight-lightinmyroom,whenIwasalittlegirl.MCCANN.OnetimeIstayedthereallnightwiththeboys.Singinganddrinkingall

night.MEG.AndmyNannyusedtositupwithme,andsingsongstome.MCCANN.Andaplateoffryinthemorning.NowwhereamI?MEG.Mylittleroomwaspink.Ihadapinkcarpetandpinkcurtains,andIhad

musicalboxesallovertheroom.Andtheyplayedmetosleep.Andmyfatherwasaverybigdoctor.That’swhyIneverhadanycomplaints.Iwascaredfor,andIhadlittlesistersandbrothersinotherrooms,alldifferentcolours.

MCCANN.Tullamore,whereareyou?MEG(toMCCANN).Giveusadropmore.MCCANN(fillingherglassandsinging).Glorio,Glorio,totheboldFenianmen!MEG.Oh,whatalovelyvoice.GOLDBERG.Giveusasong,McCann.LULU.Alovesong!MCCANN (reciting). The night that poor Paddywas stretched, the boys they all

paidhimavisit.GOLDBERG.Alovesong!MCCANN(inafullvoice,sings)

Oh,theGardenofEdenhasvanished,theysay,ButIknowthelieofitstill.JustturntotheleftatthefootofBenClayAndstopwhenhalfwaytoCooteHill.It’sthereyouwillfindit,Iknowsureenough,Andit’swhisperingovertome:Comeback,PaddyReilly,toBally-James-Duff,Comehome,PaddyReilly,tome!

LULU(toGOLDBERG).You’rethedeadimageofthefirstmanIeverloved.GOLDBERG.Itgoeswithoutsaying.MEG(rising).Iwanttoplayagame!GOLDBERG.Agame?LULU.Whatgame?MEG.Anygame.LULU(jumpingup).Yes,let’splayagame.

GOLDBERG.Whatgame?MCCANN.Hideandseek.LULU.Blindman’sbuff.MEG.Yes!GOLDBERG.Youwanttoplayblindman’sbuff?LULUandMEG.Yes!GOLDBERG. All right. Blind man’s buff. Come on! Everyone up! (Rising.)

McCann.Stanley—Stanley!MEG.Stanley.Up.GOLDBERG.What’sthematterwithhim?MEG (bending over him). Stanley, we’re going to play a game. Oh, come on,

don’tbesulky,Stan.LULU.Comeon.

STANLEYrises.MCCANNrises.

GOLDBERG.Right!Now—who’sgoingtobeblindfirst?LULU.MrsBoles.MEG.Notme.GOLDBERG.Ofcourseyou.MEG.Who,me?LULU(takingherscarffromherneck).Hereyouare.MCCANN.Howdoyouplaythisgame?LULU (tyingher scarf roundMEG’Seyes).Haven’t you ever playedblindman’s

buff? Keep still,Mrs Boles. Youmustn’t be touched. But you can’t moveafter she’sblind.Youmust staywhereyouareafter she’sblind.And if shetouches you then you become blind. Turn round. Howmany fingers am Iholdingup?

MEG.Ican’tsee.LULU.Right.GOLDBERG.Right!EveryonemoveaboutMcCann.Stanley.Nowstop.Nowstill.

Offyougo!

STANLEYisdownstage,right,MEGmovesabouttheroom.GOLDBERGfondlesLULUatarm’slength,MEGtouchesMCCANN.

MEG.Caughtyou!LULU.Takeoffyourscarf.MEG.Whatlovelyhair!

LULU(untyingthescarf).There.MEG.It’syou!GOLDBERG.Putiton,McCann.LULU(tyingitonMCCANN).There.Turnround.HowmanyfingersamIholding

up?MCCANN.Idon’tknow.GOLDBERG.Right!Everyonemoveabout.Right.Stop!Still!

MCCANNbeginstomove.

MEG.Oh,thisislovely!GOLDBERG.Quiet!Tch,tch,tch.Now—allmoveagain.Stop!Still!

MCCANNmoves about. GOLDBERG fondles LULU at arm’s length. MCCANNdrawsnearSTANLEY.HestretcheshisarmandtouchesSTANLEY’Sglasses.

MEG.It’sStanley!GOLDBERG(toLULU).Enjoyingthegame?MEG.It’syourturn,Stan.

MCCANNtakesoffthescarf.

MCCANN(toSTANLEY).I’lltakeyourglasses.

MCCANNtakesSTANLEY’Sglasses.

MEG.Givemethescarf.GOLDBERG(holdingLULU).Tiehisscarf,Mrs.Boles.MEG.That’swhatI’mdoing.(ToSTANLEY.)Canyouseemynose?GOLDBERG.Hecan’t.Ready?Right!Everyonemove.Stop!Andstill!

STANLEYstandsblindfold.MCCANNbacksslowlyacrossthestagetotheleft.HebreaksSTANLEY’Sglasses,snappingtheframes.MEG isdownstage,left,LULU and GOLDBERG upstage centre, close together. STANLEY begins tomove,veryslowly,across thestage to the left.MCCANNpicksup thedrumandplacesitsidewaysinSTANLEY’Spath.STANLEYwalksintothedrumandfallsoverwithhisfootcaughtinit.

MEG.Ooh!GOLDBERG.Sssh!

STANLEYrises.HebeginstomovetowardsMEG,draggingthedrumonhisfoot.Hereachesherandstops.Hishandsmovetowardsherandtheyreach

herthroat.Hebeginstostrangleher.MCCANNandGOLDBERGrushforwardandthrowhimoff.

BLACKOUT

Thereisnownolightatallthroughthewindow.Thestageisindarkness.

LULU.Thelights!GOLDBERG.What’shappened?LULU.Thelights!MCCANN.Waitaminute.GOLDBERG.Whereishe?MCCANN.Letgoofme!GOLDBERG.Who’sthis?LULU.Someone’stouchingme!MCCANN.Whereishe?MEG.Whyhasthelightgoneout?GOLDBERG.Where’syourtorch?(MCCANNshinesthetorchinGOLDBERG’Sface.)Notonme!(MCCANNshiftsthetorch.It isknockedfromhishandandfalls.Itgoesout.)

MCCANN.Mytorch!LULU.OhGod!GOLDBERG.Where’syourtorch?Pickupyourtorch!MCCANN.Ican’tfindit.LULU.Holdme.Holdme.GOLDBERG.Getdownonyourknees.Helphimfindthetorch.LULU.Ican’t.MCCANN.It’sgone.MEG.Whyhasthelightgoneout?GOLDBERG.Everyonequiet!Helphimfindthetorch.

Silence.GruntsfromMCCANNandGOLDBERGontheirknees.Suddenlythereisasharp,sustainedrat-a-tatwithastickonthesideofthedrumfromthebackoftheroom.Silence.WhimpersfromLULU.

GOLDBERG.Overhere.McCann!MCCANN.Here.GOLDBERG.Cometome,cometome.Easy.Overthere.

GOLDBERGandMCCANNmoveupleftofthetable.STANLEYmovesdownrightofthetable.LULUsuddenlyperceiveshimmovingtowardsher,screamsand

faints.GOLDBERGandMCCANNturnandstumbleagainsteachother.

GOLDBERG.Whatisit?MCCANN.Who’sthat?GOLDBERG.Whatisit?

InthedarknessSTANLEYpicksupLULUandplacesheronthetable.

MEG.It’sLulu!

GOLDBERGandMCCANNmovedownstage,right.

GOLDBERG.Whereisshe?MCCANN.Shefell.GOLDBERG.Where?MCCANN.Abouthere.GOLDBERG.Helpmepickherup.MCCANN(movingdownstage,left).Ican’tfindher.GOLDBERG.Shemustbesomewhere.MCCANN.She’snothere.GOLDBERG(movingdownstage,left).Shemustbe.MCCANN.She’sgone.

MCCANN finds the torch on the floor, shines it on the table and STANLEY.LULUislyingspread-eagledonthetable,STANLEYbentoverher.STANLEY,assoonasthetorchlighthitshim,beginstogiggle.GOLDBERGandMCCANNmove towardshim.Hebacks,giggling, the torchonhis face.They followhim upstage, left. He backs against the hatch, giggling. The torch drawscloser.Hisgigglerisesandgrowsashe flattenshimselfagainst thewall.Theirfiguresconvergeuponhim.

Curtain

ACTTHREE

Thenextmorning.PETEYenters,left,withanewspaperandsitsatthetable.Hebeginstoread.MEG’Svoicecomesthroughthekitchenhatch.

MEG.Isthatyou,Stan?(Pause.)Stanny?PETEY.Yes?MEG.Isthatyou?PETEY.It’sme.MEG(appearingatthehatch).Oh,it’syou.I’verunoutofcornflakes.PETEY.Well,whatelsehaveyougot?MEG.Nothing.PETEY.Nothing?MEG. Justaminute. (She leaves thehatchandentersby thekitchendoor.)You

gotyourpaper?PETEY.Yes.MEG.Isitgood?PETEY.Notbad.MEG.Thetwogentlemenhadthelastofthefrythismorning.PETEY.Oh,didthey?MEG.There’ssometeainthepotthough.(Shepoursteaforhim.)I’mgoingout

shoppinginaminute.Getyousomethingnice.I’vegotasplittingheadache.PETEY(reading).Yousleptlikealoglastnight.MEG.DidI?PETEY.Deadout.MEG.Imusthavebeentired.(Shelooksabouttheroomandseesthebrokendrumin the fireplace.)Oh, look. (Sherises andpicks it up.)The drum’s broken,(PETEYlooksup.)Whyisitbroken?

PETEY.Idon’tknow.

Shehitsitwithherhand.

MEG.Itstillmakesanoise.PETEY.Youcanalwaysgetanotherone.MEG (sadly). It was probably broken in the party. I don’t remember it being

brokenthough,intheparty.(Sheputsitdown.)Whatashame.PETEY.Youcanalwaysgetanotherone,Meg.MEG.Well,atleasthedidhaveitonhisbirthday,didn’the?LikeIwantedhim

to.PETEY(reading).Yes.MEG.Haveyouseenhimdownyet?(PETEYdoesnotanswer.)Petey.PETEY.What?MEG.Haveyouseenhimdown?PETEY.Who?MEG.Stanley.PETEY.No.MEG.NorhaveI.Thatboyshouldbeup.He’slateforhisbreakfast.PETEY.Thereisn’tanybreakfast.MEG.Yes,buthedoesn’tknowthatI’mgoingtocallhim.PETEY(quickly).No,don’tdothat,Meg.Lethimsleep.MEG.Butyousayhestaysinbedtoomuch.PETEY.Lethimsleep…thismorning.Leavehim.MEG. I’vebeenuponce,withhiscupof tea.ButMrMcCannopenedthedoor.

Hesaidtheyweretalking.Hesaidhe’dmadehimone.Hemusthavebeenupearly. I don’t knowwhat theywere talking about. Iwas surprised.BecauseStanley’susuallyfastasleepwhenIwakehim.Buthewasn’tthismorning.Iheard him talking. (Pause.)Do you think they know each other? I thinkthey’re old friends. Stanley had a lot of friends. I know he did. (Pause.) Ididn’tgivehimhistea.He’dalreadyhadone.Icamedownagainandwentonwithmywork.Then,afterabit, theycamedowntobreakfast.Stanleymusthavegonetosleepagain.

Pause.

PETEY.Whenareyougoingtodoyourshopping,Meg?MEG.Yes,Imust.(Collectingthebag.)I’vegotarottenheadache.(Shegoes tothe back door, stops suddenly and turns.) Did you see what’s outside thismorning?

PETEY.What?MEG.Thatbigcar.PETEY.Yes.MEG.Itwasn’tthereyesterday.Didyou…didyouhavealookinsideit?PETEY.Ihadapeep.

MEG(comingdowntensely,andwhispering).Isthereanythinginit?PETEY.Init?MEG.Yes.PETEY.Whatdoyoumean,init?MEG.Insideit.PETEY.Whatsortofthing?MEG.Well…Imean…isthere…isthereawheelbarrowinit?PETEY.Awheelbarrow?MEG.Yes.PETEY.Ididn’tseeone.MEG.Youdidn’t?Areyousure?PETEY.WhatwouldMrGoldbergwantwithawheelbarrow?MEG.MrGoldberg?PETEY.It’shiscar.MEG(relieved).Hiscar?Oh,Ididn’tknowitwashiscar.PETEY.Ofcourseit’shiscar.MEG.Oh,Ifeelbetter.PETEY.Whatareyouonabout?MEG.Oh,Idofeelbetter.PETEY.Yougoandgetabitofair.MEG.Yes,Iwill.Iwill.I’llgoandgettheshopping.(Shegoestowardsthebackdoor.Adoor slams upstairs. She turns.) It’s Stanley!He’s coming down—what am I going to do about his breakfast? (She rushes into the kitchen.)Petey, what shall I give him? (She looks through the hatch.) There’s nocornflakes.(Theybothgazeatthedoor.EnterGOLDBERG.Hehaltsatthedoor,ashemeetstheirgaze,thensmiles.)

GOLDBERG.Areceptioncommittee!MEG.Oh,IthoughtitwasStanley.GOLDBERG.Youfindaresemblance?MEG.Ohno.Youlookquitedifferent.GOLDBERG(comingintotheroom).Differentbuild,ofcourse.MEG(enteringfromthekitchen).Ithoughthewascomingdownforhisbreakfast.

Hehasn’thadhisbreakfastyet.GOLDBERG.Yourwifemakesaverynicecupoftea,MrBoles,youknowthat?PETEY.Yes,shedoessometimes.Sometimessheforgets.MEG.Ishecomingdown?GOLDBERG.Down?Ofcoursehe’scomingdown.Onalovelysunnydaylikethis

heshouldn’tcomedown?He’llbeupandaboutinnexttonotime.(Hesitsatthetable.)Andwhatabreakfasthe’sgoingtoget.

MEG.MrGoldberg.GOLDBERG.Yes?MEG.Ididn’tknowthatwasyourcaroutside.GOLDBERG.Youlikeit?MEG.Areyougoingtogoforaride?GOLDBERG(toPETEY).Asmartcar,eh?PETEY.Niceshineonitallright.GOLDBERG.What isold isgood, takemy tip.There’s room there.Room in the

front,androomintheback.(Hestrokestheteapot.)Thepot’shot.Moretea,MrBoles?

PETEY.Nothanks.GOLDBERG(pouringtea).Thatcar?Thatcar’sneverletmedown.MEG.Areyougoingtogoforaride?

GOLDBERGdoesnotanswer,drinkshistea.

MEG.Well,I’dbetterbeoffnow.(Shemovestothebackdoor,andturns.)Petey,whenStanleycomesdown….

PETEY.Yes?MEG.TellhimIwon’tbelong.PETEY.I’lltellhim.MEG(vaguely).Iwon’tbelong.(Sheexits.)GOLDBERG (sipping his tea). A goodwoman. A charmingwoman.Mymother

wasthesame.Mywifewasidentical.PETEY.Howishethismorning?GOLDBERG.Who?PETEY.Stanley.Isheanybetter?GOLDBERG (a little uncertainly).Oh…a little better, I think, a little better.Of

course,I’mnotreallyqualifiedtosay,MrBoles.Imean,Ihaven’tgotthe…the qualifications. The best thing would be if someone with the proper…mnn… qualifications…was to have a look at him. Someonewith a fewlettersafterhisname.Itmakesallthedifference.

PETEY.Yes.GOLDBERG. Anyway, Dermot’s with him at themoment. He’s… keeping him

company.PETEY.Dermot?

GOLDBERG.Yes.PETEY.It’saterriblething.GOLDBERG(sighs).Yes.Thebirthdaycelebrationwastoomuchforhim.PETEY.Whatcameoverhim?GOLDBERG (sharply). What came over him? Breakdown, Mr Boles. Pure and

simple.Nervousbreakdown.PETEY.Butwhatbroughtitonsosuddenly?GOLDBERG (rising, andmoving upstage).Well,Mr Boles, it can happen in all

sorts ofways.A friendofminewas tellingme about it only theother day.We’dbothbeenconcernedwithanothercase—notentirelysimilar,ofcourse,but…quitealike,quitealike.(Hepauses.)Anyway,hewastellingme,yousee, this friend ofmine, that sometimes it happens gradual—day by day itgrowsandgrowsandgrows…daybyday.Andthenothertimesithappensallatonce.Poof!Likethat!Thenervesbreak.There’snoguaranteehowit’sgoingtohappen,butwithcertainpeople…it’saforegoneconclusion.

PETEY.Really?GOLDBERG.Yes.Thisfriendofmine—hewastellingmeaboutit—onlytheother

day.(Hestandsuneasilyforamoment, thenbringsoutacigarettecaseandtakesacigarette.)HaveanAbdullah.

PETEY.No,no,Idon’ttakethem.GOLDBERG.OnceinawhileItreatmyselftoacigarette.AnAbdullah,perhaps,or

a…(Hesnapshisfingers.)PETEY.Whatanight.(GOLDBERGlightshiscigarettewithalighter.)Cameinthe

frontdoorandallthelightswereout.Putashillingintheslot,cameinhereandthepartywasover.

GOLDBERG(comingdownstage).Youputashillingintheslot?PETEY.Yes.GOLDBERG.Andthelightscameon.PETEY.Yes,thenIcameinhere.GOLDBERG(withashortlaugh).Icouldhaveswornitwasafuse.PETEY (continuing). There was dead silence. Couldn’t hear a thing. So I went

upstairsandyourfriend—Dermot—metmeonthelanding.Andhetoldme.GOLDBERG(sharply).Who?PETEY.Yourfriend—Dermot.GOLDBERG(heavily).Dermot.Yes.(Hesits.)PETEY.Theygetoveritsometimesthough,don’tthey?Imean,theycanrecover

fromit,can’tthey?

GOLDBERG.Recover?Yes,sometimestheyrecover,inonewayoranother.PETEY.Imean,hemighthaverecoveredbynow,mightn’the?GOLDBERG.It’sconceivable.Conceivable.

PETEYrisesandpicksuptheteapotandcup.

PETEY.Well,ifhe’snobetterbylunchtimeI’llgoandgetholdofadoctor.GOLDBERG(briskly).It’salltakencareof,MrBoles.Don’tworryyourself.PETEY(dubiously).Whatdoyoumean?(EnterMCCANNwith twosuitcases.)All

packedup?

PETEYtakes the teapotandcups into thekitchen.MCCANNcrosses leftandputsdownthesuitcases.Hegoesuptothewindowandlooksout.

GOLDBERG.Well?(MCCANNdoesnotanswer.)McCann.Iaskedyouwell.MCCANN(withoutturning).Wellwhat?GOLDBERG.What’swhat?(MCCANNdoesnotanswer.)MCCANN(turningtolookatGOLDBERG,grimly).I’mnotgoingupthereagain.GOLDBERG.Whynot?MCCANN.I’mnotgoingupthereagain.GOLDBERG.What’sgoingonnow?MCCANN(movingdown).He’squietnow.Hestoppedallthat…talkingawhile

ago.

PETEYappearsatthekitchenhatch,unnoticed.

GOLDBERG.Whenwillhebeready?MCCANN(sullenly).Youcangoupyourselfnexttime.GOLDBERG.What’sthematterwithyou?MCCANN(quietly).Igavehim….GOLDBERG.What?MCCANN.Igavehimhisglasses.GOLDBERG.Wasn’thegladtogetthemback?MCCANN.Theframesarebust.GOLDBERG.Howdidthathappen?MCCANN.Hetriedtofittheeyeholesintohiseyes.Ilefthimdoingit.PETEY (at the kitchen door). There’s some Sellotape somewhere.We can stick

themtogether.

GOLDBERGandMCCANNturntoseehim.Pause.

GOLDBERG.Sellotape?No,no,that’sallright,MrBoles.It’llkeephimquietfor

thetimebeing,keephismindoffotherthings.PETEY(movingdownstage).Whataboutadoctor?GOLDBERG.It’salltakencareof.

MCCANN moves over right to the shoe-box, and takes out a brush andbrusheshisshoes.

PETEY(movestothetable).Ithinkheneedsone.GOLDBERG.Iagreewithyou.It’salltakencareof.We’llgivehimabitoftimeto

settledown,andthenI’lltakehimtoMonty.PETEY.You’regoingtotakehimtoadoctor?GOLDBERG(staringathim).Sure.Monty.

Pause.MCCANNbrusheshisshoes.

SoMrsBoleshasgoneouttogetussomethingniceforlunch?PETEY.That’sright.GOLDBERG.Unfortunatelywemaybegonebythen.PETEY.Willyou?GOLDBERG.Bythenwemaybegone.

Pause.

PETEY.Well,IthinkI’llseehowmypeasaregettingon,inthemeantime.GOLDBERG.Themeantime?PETEY.Whilewe’rewaiting.GOLDBERG.Waitingforwhat?(PETEYwalkstowardsthebackdoor.)Aren’tyou

goingbacktothebeach?PETEY.No,notyet.Givemeacallwhenhecomesdown,willyou,MrGoldberg?GOLDBERG(earnestly).You’llhaveacrowdedbeachtoday…onadaylikethis.

They’llbelyingontheirbacks,swimmingouttosea.Mylife.Whataboutthedeck-chairs?Arethedeck-chairsready?

PETEY.Iputthemalloutthismorning.GOLDBERG.Butwhataboutthetickets?Who’sgoingtotakethetickets?PETEY.That’sallright.That’llbeallright.MrGoldberg.Don’tyouworryabout

that.I’llbeback.

Heexits.GOLDBERGrises,goestothewindowandlooksafterhim.MCCANNcrossestothetable,left,sits,picksupthepaperandbeginstotearit intostrips.

GOLDBERG.Iseverythingready?

MCCANN.Sure.

GOLDBERGwalksheavily,brooding,tothetable.HesitsrightofitnoticingwhatMCCANNisdoing.

GOLDBERG.Stopdoingthat!MCCANN.What?GOLDBERG. Why do you do that all the time? It’s childish, it’s pointless. It’s

withoutasolitarypoint.MCCANN.What’sthematterwithyoutoday?GOLDBERG.Questions,questions.Stopaskingmesomanyquestions.WhatdoyouthinkIam?

MCCANNstudieshim.Hethenfoldsthepaper,leavingthestripsinside.

MCCANN.Well?

Pause.GOLDBERGleansbackinthechair,hiseyesclosed.

MCCANN.Well?GOLDBERG(withfatigue).Wellwhat?MCCANN.Dowewaitordowegoandgethim?GOLDBERG(slowly).Youwanttogoandgethim?MCCANN.Iwanttogetitover.GOLDBERG.That’sunderstandable.MCCANN.Sodowewaitordowegoandgethim?GOLDBERG(interrupting).Idon’tknowwhy,butIfeelknockedout.Ifeelabit…

It’suncommonforme.MCCANN.Isthatso?GOLDBERG.It’sunusual.MCCANN(risingswiftlyandgoingbehindGOLDBERG’Schair.Hissing).Let’sfinish

andgo.Let’sget itoverandgo.Get the thingdone.Let’sfinish thebloodything.Let’sgetthethingdoneandgo!

Pause.

WillIgoup?

Pause.

Nat!

GOLDBERGsitshumped.MCCANNslipstohisside.

Simey!GOLDBERG(openinghiseyes,regardingMCCANN).What—did—you—call—me?MCCANN.Who?GOLDBERG(murderously).Don’tcallmethat!(HeseizesMCCANNbythethroat.)

NEVERCALLMETHAT!MCCANN(writhing).Nat,Nat,Nat,NAT!IcalledyouNat.Iwasaskingyou,Nat.

HonesttoGod.Justaquestion,that’sall,justaquestion,doyousee,doyoufollowme?

GOLDBERG(jerkinghimaway).Whatquestion?MCCANN.WillIgoUp?GOLDBERG(violently).Up?Ithoughtyouweren’tgoingtogoupthereagain?MCCANN.Whatdoyoumean?Whynot?GOLDBERG.Yousaidso!MCCANN.Ineversaidthat!GOLDBERG.No?MCCANN(fromthefloor,totheroomatlarge).Whosaidthat?Ineversaidthat!

I’llgoupnow!

Hejumpsupandrushestothedoor,left.

GOLDBERG.Wait!

Hestretcheshisarmstothearmsofthechair.

Comehere.

MCCANNapproacheshimveryslowly.

Iwantyouropinion.Havealookinmymouth.

Heopenshismouthwide.

Takeagoodlook.

MCCANNlooks.

YouknowwhatImean?

MCCANNpeers.

You know what? I’ve never lost a tooth. Not since the day I was born.Nothing’s changed. (He gets up.) That’s why I’ve reached my position,McCann.BecauseI’vealwaysbeenasfitasafiddle.AllmylifeI’vesaidthesame.Playup,playup,andplaythegame.Honourthyfatherandthymother.

Allalongtheline.Followtheline,theline,McCann,andyoucan’tgowrong.Whatdoyouthink,I’maself-mademan?No!IsatwhereIwastoldtosit.Ikeptmyeyeon theball.School?Don’t talk tomeabout school.Top in allsubjects.Andforwhy?BecauseI’mtellingyou,I’mtellingyou,followmyline? Follow my mental? Learn by heart. Never write down a thing. Anddon’tgotoonearthewater.Andyou’llfind—thatwhatIsayistrue.BecauseIbelievethattheworld…(Vacant.)….BecauseIbelievethattheworld…(Desperate.)….BECAUSEIBELIEVETHATTHEWORLD…(Lost.)….

Hesitsinchair.

Sitdown,McCann,sitherewhereIcanlookatyou.

MCCANNkneelsinfrontofthetable.

(Intensely,withgrowingcertainty.)Myfather said tome,Benny,Benny,hesaid,comehere.Hewasdying.Ikneltdown.Byhimdayandnight.Whoelsewasthere?Forgive,Benny,hesaid,andletlive.Yes,Dad.Gohometoyourwife. I will, Dad. Keep an eye open for low-lives, for schnorrers and forlayabouts.Hedidn’tmentionnames.Ilostmylifeintheserviceofothers,hesaid,I’mnotashamed.Doyourdutyandkeepyourobservations.Alwaysbidgoodmorningtotheneighbours.Never,neverforgetyourfamily,fortheyaretherock,theconstitutionandthecore!Ifyou’reeverinanydifficultiesUncleBarneywillseeyouintheclear.Ikneltdown.(Hekneels,facingMCCANN.)Isworeonthegoodbook.AndIknewthewordIhadtoremember—Respect!BecauseMcCann— (Gently.)Seamus—who came before your father? Hisfather. And who came before him? Before him?… (Vacant—triumphant.)Whocamebeforeyourfather’sfatherbutyourfather’sfather’smother!Yourgreat-gran-granny.

Silence.Heslowlyrises.

Andthat’swhyI’vereachedmyposition,McCann.BecauseI’vealwaysbeenasfitasafiddle.Mymotto.Workhardandplayhard.Notaday’sillness.

GOLDBERGsits.

GOLDBERG.Allthesame,givemeablow.(Pause.)Blowinmymouth.

MCCANN stands, puts his hands on his knees, bends, and blows inGOLDBERG’Smouth.

Onefortheroad.

MCCANNblowsagaininhismouth.GOLDBERGbreathesdeeply,smiles.

GOLDBERG.Right!

EnterLULU.MCCANNlooksatthem,andgoestothedoor.

MCCANN(atthedoor).I’llgiveyoufiveminutes.(Heexits.)GOLDBERG.Comeoverhere.LULU.What’sgoingtohappen?GOLDBERG.Comeoverhere.LULU.No,thankyou.GOLDBERG.What’sthematter?YougottheneedletoUncleNatey?LULU.I’mgoing.GOLDBERG.Haveagameofpontoonfirst,foroldtime’ssake.LULU.I’vehadenoughgames.GOLDBERG.Agirllikeyou,atyourage,atyourtimeofhealth,andyoudon’ttake

togames?LULU.You’reverysmart.GOLDBERG.Anyway,whosaysyoudon’ttaketothem?LULU.DoyouthinkI’mlikealltheothergirls?GOLDBERG.Arealltheothergirlslikethat,too?LULU.Idon’tknowaboutanyothergirls.GOLDBERG.Norme.I’venevertouchedanotherwoman.LULU (distressed). What would my father say, if he knew? And what would

Eddiesay?GOLDBERG.Eddie?LULU.Hewasmy first love,Eddiewas.Andwhatever happened, itwas pure.

Withhim!Hedidn’tcomeintomyroomatnightwithabriefcase!GOLDBERG.Whoopenedthebriefcase,meoryou?Lulu,schmulu,letbygonesbe

bygones,domeaturn.Kissandmakeup.LULU.Iwouldn’ttouchyou.GOLDBERG.AndtodayI’mleaving.LULU.You’releaving?GOLDBERG.Today.LULU(withgrowinganger).Youusedmeforanight.Apassingfancy.GOLDBERG.Whousedwho?LULU.Youmadeuseofmebycunningwhenmydefencesweredown.

GOLDBERG.Whotookthemdown?LULU.That’swhatyoudid.Youquenchedyouruglythirst.Youtaughtmethings

agirlshouldn’tknowbeforeshe’sbeenmarriedatleastthreetimes!GOLDBERG.Nowyou’reajumpahead!Whatareyoucomplainingabout?

EnterMCCANNquickly.

LULU.Youdidn’tappreciatemeformyself.You tookall those libertiesonly tosatisfyyourappetite.OhNat,whydidyoudoit?

GOLDBERG.Youwantedmetodoit,Lulula,soIdidit.MCCANN.That’sfairenough.(Advancing.)Youhadalongsleep,Miss.LULU(backingupstageleft).Me?MCCANN.Yoursort,youspendtoomuchtimeinbed.LULU.Whatdoyoumean?MCCANN.Haveyougotanythingtoconfess?LULU.What?MCCANN(savagely).Confess!LULU.Confesswhat?MCCANN.Downonyourkneesandconfess!LULU.Whatdoeshemean?GOLDBERG.Confess.Whatcanyoulose?LULU.What,tohim?GOLDBERG.He’sonlybeenunfrockedsixmonths.MCCANN.Kneeldown,woman,andtellmethelatest!LULU(retreatingtothebackdoor).I’veseeneverythingthat’shappened.Iknow

what’sgoingon.I’vegotaprettyshrewdidea.MCCANN(advancing).I’veseenyouhangingabouttheRockofCashel,profaning

thesoilwithyourgoings-on.Outofmysight!LULU.I’mgoing.

She exits. MCCANN goes to the door, left, and goes out. He ushers inSTANLEY,whoisdressedinadarkwellcutsuitandwhitecollar.Heholdshis broken glasses in his hand. He is clean-shaven.MCCANN follows andclosesthedoor.GOLDBERGmeetsSTANLEY,seatshiminachair.

GOLDBERG.Howareyou,Stan?

Pause.

Areyoufeelinganybetter?

Pause.

What’sthematterwithyourglasses?

GOLDBERGbendstolook.

They’rebroken.Apity.

STANLEYstaresblanklyatthefloor.

MCCANN(atthetable).Helooksbetter,doesn’the?GOLDBERG.Muchbetter.MCCANN.Anewman.GOLDBERG.Youknowwhatwe’lldo?MCCANN.What?GOLDBERG.We’llbuyhimanotherpair.

They begin to woo him, gently and with relish. During the followingsequence STANLEY shows no reaction. He remains, with no movement,wherehesits.

MCCANN.Outofourownpockets.GOLDBERG. It goeswithout saying.Between you andme, Stan, it’s about time

youhadanewpairofglasses.MCCANN.Youcan’tseestraight.GOLDBERG.It’strue.You’vebeencockeyedforyears.MCCANN.Nowyou’reevenmorecockeyed.GOLDBERG.He’sright.You’vegonefrombadtoworse.MCCANN.Worsethanworse.GOLDBERG.Youneedalongconvalescence.MCCANN.Achangeofair.GOLDBERG.Somewhereovertherainbow.MCCANN.Whereangelsfeartotread.GOLDBERG.Exactly.MCCANN.You’reinarut.GOLDBERG.Youlookanaemic.MCCANN.Rheumatic.GOLDBERG.Myopic.MCCANN.Epileptic.GOLDBERG.You’reontheverge.MCCANN.You’readeadduck.

GOLDBERG.Butwecansaveyou.MCCANN.Fromaworsefate.GOLDBERG.True.MCCANN.Undeniable.GOLDBERG.Fromnowon,we’llbethehubofyourwheel.MCCANN.We’llrenewyourseasonticket.GOLDBERG.We’lltaketuppenceoffyourmorningtea.MCCANN.We’llgiveyouadiscountonallinflammablegoods.GOLDBERG.We’llwatchoveryou.MCCANN.Adviseyou.GOLDBERG.Giveyoupropercareandtreatment.MCCANN.Letyouusetheclubbar.GOLDBERG.Keepatablereserved.MCCANN.Helpyouacknowledgethefastdays.GOLDBERG.Bakeyoucakes.MCCANN.Helpyoukneelonkneelingdays.GOLDBERG.Giveyouafreepass.MCCANN.Takeyouforconstitutionals.GOLDBERG.Giveyouhottips.MCCANN.We’llprovidetheskippingrope.GOLDBERG.Thevestandpants.MCCANN.Theointment.GOLDBERG.Thehotpoultice.MCCANN.Thefingerstall.GOLDBERG.Theabdomenbelt.MCCANN.Theearplugs.GOLDBERG.Thebabypowder.MCCANN.Thebackscratcher.GOLDBERG.Thesparetyre.MCCANN.Thestomachpump.GOLDBERG.Theoxygentent.MCCANN.Theprayerwheel.GOLDBERG.TheplasterofParis.MCCANN.Thecrashhelmet.GOLDBERG.Thecrutches.MCCANN.Adayandnightservice.GOLDBERG.Allonthehouse.

MCCANN.That’sit.GOLDBERG.We’llmakeamanofyou.MCCANN.Andawoman.GOLDBERG.You’llbere-orientated.MCCANN.You’llberich.GOLDBERG.You’llbeadjusted.MCCANN.You’llbeourprideandjoy.GOLDBERG.You’llbeamensch.MCCANN.You’llbeasuccess.GOLDBERG.You’llbeintegrated.MCCANN.You’llgiveorders.GOLDBERG.You’llmakedecisions.MCCANN.You’llbeamagnate.GOLDBERG.Astatesman.MCCANN.You’llownyachts.GOLDBERG.Animals.MCCANN.Animals.

GOLDBERGlooksatMCCANN.

GOLDBERG.Isaidanimals.(HeturnsbacktoSTANLEY.)You’llbeabletomakeorbreak,Stan.Bymylife.(Silence.STANLEYisstill.)Well?Whatdoyousay?

STANLEY’SheadliftsveryslowlyandturnsinGOLDBERG’Sdirection.

GOLDBERG.Whatdoyouthink?Eh,boy?

STANLEYbeginstoclenchandunclenchhiseyes.

MCCANN.What’syouropinion,sir?Ofthisprospect,sir?GOLDBERG.Prospect.Sure.Sureit’saprospect.

STANLEY’Shandsclutchinghisglassesbegintotremble.

What’syouropinionofsuchaprospect?Eh,Stanley?

STANLEY concentrates, his mouth opens, he attempts to speak, fails andemitssoundsfromhisthroat.

STANLEY. Uh-gug … uh-gug … eeehhh-gag … (On the breath.) Caahh …caahh….

Theywatchhim.Hedrawsalongbreathwhichshuddersdownhisbody.He

concentrates.

GOLDBERG.Well,Stannyboy,whatdoyousay,eh?

They watch. He concentrates. His head lowers, his chin draws into hischest,hecrouches.

STANLEY.Ug-gughh…uh-gughhh….MCCANN.What’syouropinion,sir?STANLEY.Caaahhh…caaahhh….MCCANN.MrWebber!What’syouropinion?GOLDBERG.Whatdoyousay,Stan?Whatdoyouthinkoftheprospect?MCCANN.What’syouropinionoftheprospect?

STANLEY’Sbodyshudders, relaxes,hisheaddrops,hebecomesstillagain,stooped.PETEYentersfromdoor,downstage,left.

GOLDBERG.StillthesameoldStan.Comewithus.Comeon,boy.MCCANN.Comealongwithus.PETEY.Whereareyoutakinghim?

Theyturn.Silence.

GOLDBERG.We’retakinghimtoMonty.PETEY.Hecanstayhere.GOLDBERG.Don’tbesilly.PETEY.Wecanlookafterhimhere.GOLDBERG.Whydoyouwanttolookafterhim?PETEY.He’smyguest.GOLDBERG.Heneedsspecialtreatment.PETEY.We’llfindsomeone.GOLDBERG.No.Monty’sthebestthereis.Bringhim,McCann.

TheyhelpSTANLEYoutofthechair.Theyall threemovetowardsthedoor,left.

PETEY.Leavehimalone!

Theystop.GOLDBERGstudieshim.

GOLDBERG(insidiously).Whydon’tyoucomewithus,MrBoles?MCCANN.Yes,whydon’tyoucomewithus?GOLDBERG.ComewithustoMonty.There’splentyofroominthecar.

PETEYmakesnomove.Theypasshimandreachthedoor.MCCANNopensthedoorandpicksupthesuitcases.

PETEY(broken).Stan,don’tletthemtellyouwhattodo!

Theyexit.

Silence.PETEYstands.Thefrontdoorslams.Soundofacarstarting.Soundofacargoingaway.Silence.PETEY slowlygoes to the table.Hesitsonachair,left.Hepicksupthepaperandopensit.Thestripsfalltothefloor.Helooks downat them. MEG comes past thewindow and enters by the backdoor.PETEYstudiesthefrontpageofthepaper.

MEG(comingdownstage).Thecar’sgone.PETEY.Yes.MEG.Havetheygone?PETEY.Yes.MEG.Won’ttheybeinforlunch?PETEY.No.MEG.Oh,whatashame.(Sheputsherbagonthetable.)It’shotout.(Shehangshercoatonahook.)Whatareyoudoing?

PETEY.Reading.MEG.Isitgood?PETEY.Allright.

Shesitsbythetable.

MEG.Where’sStan?

Pause.

IsStandownyet,Petey?PETEY.No…he’s….MEG.Ishestillinbed?PETEY.Yes,he’s…stillasleep.MEG.Still?He’llbelateforhisbreakfast.PETEY.Lethim…sleep.

Pause.

MEG.Wasn’titalovelypartylastnight?PETEY.Iwasn’tthere.MEG.Weren’tyou?

PETEY.Icameinafterwards.MEG.Oh.

Pause.

Itwasa lovelyparty. Ihaven’t laughedsomuchforyears.Wehaddancingandsinging.Andgames.Youshouldhavebeenthere.

PETEY.Itwasgood,eh?

Pause.

MEG.Iwasthebelleoftheball.PETEY.Wereyou?MEG.Ohyes.TheyallsaidIwas.PETEY.Ibetyouwere,too.MEG.Oh,it’strue.Iwas.

Pause.

IknowIwas.Curtain

THEROOM

TheRoomwasfirstpresentedattheHampsteadTheatreClubon21stJanuary,1960,withthefollowingcast:

DirectedbyHaroldPinter

TheRoomwassubsequentlypresentedattheRoyalCourtTheatreon8thMarch,1960,withfourchangesinthecast:

BERTHUDD MichaelBrennanMRKIDD JohnCaterMRSANDS MichaelCaineMRSSANDS AnneBishop

DirectedbyAnthonyPage

THEROOM

Scene:Aroominalargehouse.Adoordawnright.Agas-firedownleft.A gas-stove and sink, up left.Awindowup centre.A table andchairs,centre.A rocking-chair, left centre. The foot ofadouble-bedprotrudesfromalcove,upright.

BERTisatthetable,wearingacap,amagazineproppedinfrontofhim.ROSEisatthestove.

ROSE.Hereyouare.This’llkeepthecoldout.

Sheplacesbaconandeggsonaplate,turnsoffthegasandtakestheplatetothetable.

It’sverycoldout,Icantellyou.It’smurder.

She returns to the stove and pours water from the kettle into the teapot,turnsoffthegasandbringstheteapottothetable,pourssaltandsauceontheplateandcutstwoslicesofbread.BERTbeginstoeat.

That’s right.You eat that.You’ll need it.You can feel it in here. Still, theroomkeepswarm.It’sbetterthanthebasement,anyway.

Shebuttersthebread.

Idon’tknowhowtheylivedownthere.It’saskingfortrouble.Goon.Eatitup.It’lldoyougood.

Shegoestothesink,wipesacupandsaucerandbringsthemtothetable.

Ifyouwanttogooutyoumightaswellhavesomethinginsideyou.Becauseyou’llfeelitwhenyougetout.

Shepoursmilkintothecup.

JustnowIlookedoutofthewindow.Itwasenoughforme.Therewasn’tasoulabout.Canyouhearthewind?

Shesitsintherocking-chair.

I’veneverseenwhoitis.Whoisit?Wholivesdownthere?I’llhavetoask.Imean,youmightaswellknow,Bert.Butwhoeveritis,itcan’tbetoocosy.

Pause.

I think it’schangedhandssinceIwas last there. Ididn’tseewhomoved inthen.Imeanthefirsttimeitwastaken.

Pause.

Anyway,Ithinkthey’vegonenow.

Pause.

But I think someone else has gone in now. I wouldn’t like to live in thatbasement.Didyoueverseethewalls?Theywererunning.Thisisallrightforme.Goon,Bert.Haveabitmorebread.

Shegoestothetableandcutsasliceofbread.

I’llhavesomecocoaonwhenyoucomeback.

Shegoestothewindowandsettlesthecurtain.

No,thisroom’sallrightforme.Imean,youknowwhereyouare.Whenit’scold,forinstance.

Shegoestothetable.

Whatabouttherasher?Wasitallright?Itwasagoodone,Iknow,butnotasgoodasthelastlotIgotin.It’stheweather.

Shegoestotherocking-chair,andsits.

Anyway,Ihaven’tbeenout.Ihaven’tbeensowell.Ididn’tfeeluptoit.Still,I’mmuchbettertoday.Idon’tknowaboutyouthough.Idon’tknowwhetheryououghttogoout.Imean,youshouldn’t,straightafteryou’vebeenlaidup.Still.Don’tworry,Bert.Yougo.Youwon’tbelong.

Sherocks.

It’sgoodyouwereuphere,Icantellyou.It’sgoodyouweren’tdownthere,inthebasement.That’snojoke.Oh,I’veleftthetea.I’velefttheteastanding.

Shegoestothetableandpoursteaintothecup.

No, it’s not bad. Nice weak tea. Lovely weak tea. Here you are. Drink itdown.I’llwaitformine.Anyway,I’llhaveitabitstronger.

Shetakesaplatetothesinkandleavesit.

Thosewallswouldhavefinishedyouoff.Idon’tknowwholivesdowntherenow.Whoeveritis,they’retakingabigchance.Maybethey’reforeigners.

Shegoestotherocking-chairandsits.

I’dhavepulledyouthrough.

Pause.

There isn’t room for two down there, anyway. I think there was one first,beforehemovedout.Maybethey’vegottwonow.

Sherocks.

Iftheyeveraskyou,Bert,I’mquitehappywhereIam.We’requiet,we’reallright.You’re happyup here. It’s not far up either,whenyou come in fromoutside.Andwe’renotbothered.Andnobodybothersus.

Pause.

Idon’tknowwhyyouhavetogoout.Couldn’tyourunitdowntomorrow?Icouldputthefireinlater.Youcouldsitbythefire.That’swhatyoulike,Bert,ofanevening.It’llbedarkinaminuteaswell,soon.

Sherocks.

Itgetsdarknow.

Sherisesandpoursoutteaatthetable.

Imadeplenty.Goon.

Shesitsattable.

You lookedout today? It’sgot iceon the roads.Oh, Iknowyoucandrive.I’m not saying you can’t drive. Imentioned toMrKidd thismorning thatyou’dbedoingaruntoday.Itoldhimyouhadn’tbeentoogrand,butIsaid,still, he’s amarvellous driver. I wouldn’tmindwhat time, where, nothing,Bert.Youknowhowtodrive.Itoldhim.

Shewrapshercardiganabouther.

Butit’scold.It’sreallycold today,chilly.I’llhaveyousomenicecocoaonforwhenyougetback.

Sherises,goestothewindow,andlooksout.

It’squiet.Becomingonfordark.There’snooneabout.

Shestands,looking.

Waitaminute.

Pause.

Iwonderwhothatis.

Pause.

No.IthoughtIsawsomeone.

Pause.

No.

Shedropsthecurtain.

Youknowwhatthough?Itlooksabitbetter.It’snotsowindy.You’dbetterputonyourthickjersey.

Shegoestotherocking-chair,sitsandrocks.

Thisisagoodroom.You’vegotachanceinaplacelikethis.Ilookafteryou,don’tI,Bert?LikewhentheyofferedusthebasementhereIsaidnostraightoff.Iknewthat’dbenogood.Theceilingrightontopofyou.No,you’vegotawindowhere,youcanmoveyourself,youcancomehomeatnight,ifyouhave togoout, youcandoyour job, youcan comehome,you’re all right.AndI’mhere.Youstandachance.

Pause.

Iwonderwhohasgotitnow.I’veneverseenthem,orheardofthem.ButIthinksomeone’sdownthere.Whoever’sgotitcankeepit.Thatlookedagoodrasher,Bert. I’llhaveacupof tea later. I likemineabit stronger.You likeyoursweak.

Aknockatthedoor.Shestands.

Whoisit?

Pause.

Hallo!

Knockrepeated.

Comeinthen.

Knockrepeated.

Whoisit?

Pause.ThedooropensandMRKIDDcomesin.

MRKIDD.Iknocked.ROSE.Iheardyou.MRKIDD.Eh?ROSE.Weheardyou.MRKIDD.Hallo,MrHudd,howareyou,allright?I’vebeenlookingatthepipes.ROSE.Aretheyallright?MRKIDD.Eh?ROSE.Sitdown,MrKidd.MRKIDD.No,that’sallright.Ijustpoppedin,like,toseehowthingsweregoing.

Well,it’scosyinhere,isn’tit?ROSE.Oh,thankyou,MrKidd.MRKIDD.Yougoingout today,MrHudd? Iwentout. I camestraight inagain.

Onlytothecorner,ofcourse.ROSE.Notmanypeopleabouttoday,MrKidd.MRKIDD. So I thought tomyself, I’d better have a look at those pipes. In the

circumstances.Ionlywenttothecorner,forafewnecessaryitems.It’slikelytosnow.Verylikely,inmyopinion.

ROSE.Whydon’tyousitdown,MrKidd?MRKIDD.No,no,that’sallright.ROSE.Well,it’sashameyouhavetogooutinthisweather,MrKidd.Don’tyou

haveahelp?MRKIDD.Eh?ROSE.Ithoughtyouhadawomantohelp.MRKIDD.Ihaven’tgotanywoman.ROSE.Ithoughtyouhadonewhenwefirstcame.MRKIDD.Nowomenhere.ROSE.MaybeIwasthinkingofsomewhereelse.MRKIDD.Plentyofwomenroundthecorner.Notherethough.Ohno.Eh,haveI

seenthatbefore?ROSE.What?

MRKIDD.That.ROSE.Idon’tknow.Haveyou?MRKIDD.Iseemtohavesomeremembrance.ROSE.It’sjustanoldrocking-chair.MRKIDD.Wasitherewhenyoucame?ROSE.No,Ibroughtitmyself.MRKIDD.IcouldswearblindI’veseenthatbefore.ROSE.Perhapsyouhave.MRKIDD.What?ROSE.Isay,perhapsyouhave.MRKIDD.Yes,maybeIhave.ROSE.Takeaseat,MrKidd.MRKIDD.Iwouldn’ttakeanoathonitthough.

BERTyawnsandstretches,andcontinueslookingathismagazine.

No,Iwon’tsitdown,withMrHuddjusthavingabitofarestafterhis tea.I’ve got to go and getmine going in aminute.You’re going out then,MrHudd? I was just looking at your van. She’s a very nice little van, that. Inotice you wrap her up well for the cold. I don’t blame you. Yes, I washearingyougooff,whenwasit,theothermorning,yes.Verysmooth.Icantellagoodgear-change.

ROSE.Ithoughtyourbedroomwasattheback,MrKidd.MRKIDD.Mybedroom?ROSE.Wasn’titattheback?NotthatIeverknew.MRKIDD.Iwasn’tinmybedroom.ROSE.Oh,well.MRKIDD.Iwasupandabout.ROSE.Idon’tgetupearlyinthisweather.Icantakemytime.Itakemytime.

Pause.

MRKIDD.Thiswasmybedroom.ROSE.This?When?MRKIDD.WhenIlivedhere.ROSE.Ididn’tknowthat.MRKIDD.Iwillsitdownforafewticks.(Hesitsinthearmchair.)ROSE.Well,Ineverknewthat.MRKIDD.Wasthischairherewhenyoucame?

ROSE.Yes.MRKIDD.Ican’trecollectthisone.

Pause.

ROSE.Whenwasthatthen?MRKIDD.Eh?ROSE.Whenwasthisyourbedroom?MRKIDD.Agoodwhileback.

Pause.

ROSE.IwastellingBertIwastellingyouhowhecoulddrive.MRKIDD.MrHudd?Oh,MrHuddcandriveallright.I’veseenhimbowldown

theroadallright.Ohyes.ROSE.Well,MrKidd,Imustsaythisisaveryniceroom.It’saverycomfortable

room.MRKIDD.Bestroominthehouse.ROSE.Itmustgetabitdampdownstairs.MRKIDD.Notasbadasupstairs.ROSE.Whataboutdownstairs?MRKIDD.Eh?ROSE.Whataboutdownstairs?MRKIDD.Whataboutit?ROSE.Mustgetabitdamp.MRKIDD.Abit.Notasbadasupstairsthough.ROSE.Why’sthat?MRKIDD.Theraincomesin.

Pause.

ROSE.Anyoneliveupthere?MRKIDD.Upthere?Therewas.Gonenow.ROSE.Howmanyfloorsyougotinthishouse?MRKIDD.Floors.(Helaughs.)Ah,wehadagoodfewofthemintheolddays.ROSE.Howmanyhaveyougotnow?MRKIDD.Well,totellyouthetruth,Idon’tcountthemnow.ROSE.Oh.MRKIDD.No,notnow.ROSE.Itmustbeabitofajob.MRKIDD.Oh,Iusedtocountthem,once.Nevergottiredofit.Iusedtokeepa

tackoneverythinginthishouse.Ihada lot tokeepmyeyeon, then.Iwasableforittoo.Thatwaswhenmysisterwasalive.ButIlosttrackabit,aftershedied.She’sbeendeadsometimenow,mysister.Itwasagoodhousethen.Shewasacapablewoman.Yes.Finesizeofawoman too. I thinkshe tookafter mymum. Yes, I think she took after my old mum, from what I canrecollect.IthinkmymumwasaJewess.Yes,Iwouldn’tbesurprisedtolearnthatshewasaJewess.Shedidn’thavemanybabies.

ROSE.Whataboutyoursister,MrKidd?MRKIDD.Whatabouther?ROSE.Didshehaveanybabies?MRKIDD.Yes,shehadaresemblancetomyoldmum,Ithink.Taller,ofcourse.ROSE.Whendidshediethen,yoursister?MRKIDD.Yes,that’sright,itwasaftershediedthatImusthavestoppedcounting.

Sheusedtokeepthingsinverygoodtrim.AndIgaveherahelpinghand.Shewasverygrateful,rightuntilherlast.Shealwaysusedtotellmehowmuchshe appreciated all the – little things – that I used to do for her. Then shecoppedit.Iwashersenior.Yes,Iwashersenior.Shehadalovelyboudoir.Abeautifulboudoir.

ROSE.Whatdidshedieof?MRKIDD.Who?ROSE.Yoursister.

Pause.

MRKIDD.I’vemadeendsmeet.

Pause.

ROSE.Youfullatthemoment,MrKidd?MRKIDD.Packedout.ROSE.Allsorts,Isuppose?MRKIDD.Ohyes,Imakeendsmeet.ROSE.Wedo,too,don’twe,Bert?

Pause.

Where’syourbedroomnowthen,MrKidd?MRKIDD.Me? Ican takemypick. (Rising.)You’llbegoingout soon then,Mr

Hudd?Well, be careful how you go. Those roads’ll be no joke. Still, youknow how tomanipulate your van all right, don’t you?Where you going?Far?Belong?

ROSE.Hewon’tbelong.MRKIDD.No,ofcoursenot.Shouldn’ttakehimlong.ROSE.No.MRKIDD.Wellthen,I’llpopoff.Haveagoodrun,MrHudd.Mindhowyougo.

It’llbedarksoontoo.Butnotforagoodwhileyet.Arivederci.

Heexits.

ROSE.Idon’tbelievehehadasister,ever.

She takes the plate and cup to the sink.BERT pushes his chair back andrises.

Allright.Waitaminute.Where’syourjersey?

Shebringsthejerseyfromthebed.

Hereyouare.Takeyourcoatoff.Getintoit.

Shehelpshimintohisjersey.

Right.Where’syourmuffler?

Shebringsamufflerfromthebed.

Hereyouare.Wrapitround.That’sit.Don’tgotoofest,Bert,willyou?I’llhavesomecocoaonwhenyougetback.Youwon’tbelong.Waitaminute.Where’syourovercoat?You’dbetterputonyourovercoat.

Hefixeshismuffler,goes to thedoor and exits. She stands,watching thedoor, then turns slowly to the table, picks up the magazine, and puts itdown. She stands and listens, goes to the fire, bends, lights the fire andwarmsherhands.Shestandsand looksabout the room. She looks at thewindowandlistens,goesquicklytothewindow,stopsandstraightens thecurtain.Shecomes to thecentreof theroom,and looks towards thedoor.She goes to the bed, puts on a shawl, goes to the sink, takes a bin fromunderthesink,goestothedoorandopensit.

ROSE.Oh!

MRandMRSSANDSaredisclosedonthelanding.

MRSSANDS.Sosorry.Wedidn’tmeantobestandinghere, like.Didn’tmean togiveyouafright.We’vejustcomeupthestairs.

ROSE.That’sallright.

MRSSANDS.ThisisMrSands.I’mMrsSands.ROSE.Howdoyoudo?

MRSANDSgruntsacknowledgement.

MRSSANDS.Wewere justgoingup the stairs.Butyoucan’t see a thing in thisplace.Canyou,Toddy?

MRSANDS.Notathing.ROSE.Whatwereyoulookingfor?MRSSANDS.Themanwhorunsthehouse.MRSANDS.Thelandlord.We’retryingtogetholdofthelandlord.MRSSANDS.What’shisname,Toddy?ROSE.Hisname’sMrKidd.MRSSANDS.Kidd,Wasthatthename,Toddy?MRSANDS.Kidd?No,that’snotit.ROSE.MrKidd.That’shisname.MRSANDS.Well,that’snottheblokewe’relookingfor.ROSE.Well,youmustbelookingforsomeoneelse.

Pause.

MRSANDS.Isupposewemustbe.ROSE.Youlookcold.MRSSANDS.It’smurderout.Haveyoubeenout?ROSE.No.MRSSANDS.We’venotlongcomein.ROSE.Well,comeinside,ifyoulike,andhaveawarm.

Theycomeintothecentreoftheroom.

(Bringingthechairfromthe table to the fire).Sitdownhere.Youcangetagoodwarm.

MRSSANDS.Thanks.(Shesits.)ROSE.Comeoverbythefire,Mr.Sands.MRSANDS.No,it’sallright.I’lljuststretchmylegs.MRSSANDS.Why?Youhaven’tbeensittingdown.MRSANDS.Whataboutit?MRSSANDS.Well,whydon’tyousitdown?MRSANDS.WhyshouldI?MRSSANDS.Youmustbecold.MRSANDS.I’mnot.

MRSSANDS.Youmustbe.Bringoverachairandsitdown.MRSANDS.I’mallrightstandingup,thanks.MRSSANDS.Youdon’tlookonethingortheotherstandingup.MRSANDS.I’mquiteallright,Clarissa.ROSE.Clarissa?Whataprettyname.MRSSANDS.Yes,itisnice,isn’tit?Myfatherandmothergaveittome.

Pause.

Youknow,thisisaroomyoucansitdownandfeelcosyin.MRSANDS(lookingattheroom).It’safairsize,allright.MRSSANDS.Whydon’tyousitdown,Mrs–ROSE.Hudd.Nothanks.MRSANDS.Whatdidyousay?ROSE.When?MRSANDS.Whatdidyousaythenamewas?ROSE.Hudd.MRSANDS.That’sit.You’rethewifeoftheblokeyoumentionedthen?MRSSANDS.No,sheisn’t.ThatwasMrKidd.MRSANDS.Wasit?IthoughtitwasHudd.MRSSANDS.No,itwasKidd.Wasn’tit,MrsHudd?ROSE.That’sright.Thelandlord.MRSSANDS.No,notthelandlord.Theotherman.ROSE.Well,that’shisname.He’sthelandlord.MRSANDS.Who?ROSE.MrKidd.

Pause.

MRSANDS.Ishe?MRSSANDS.Maybetherearetwolandlords.

Pause.

MRSANDS.That’llbetheday.MRSSANDS.Whatdidyousay?MRSANDS.Isaidthat’llbetheday.

Pause.

ROSE.What’sitlikeout?MRSSANDS.It’sverydarkout.

MRSANDS.Nodarkerthanin.MRSSANDS.He’srightthere.MRSANDS.It’sdarkerinthanout,formymoney.MRSSANDS. There’s notmuch light in this place, is there,MrsHudd?Do you

know,thisisthefirstbitoflightwe’veseensincewecamein?MRSANDS.Thefirstcrack.ROSE.Inevergooutatnight.Westayin.MRSSANDS.NowIcometothinkofit,Isawastar.MRSANDS.Yousawwhat?MRSSANDS.Well,IthinkIdid.MRSANDS.Youthinkyousawwhat?MRSSANDS.Astar.MRSANDS.Where?MRSSANDS.Inthesky.MRSANDS.When?MRSSANDS.Aswewerecomingalong.MRSANDS.Gohome.MRSSANDS.Whatdoyoumean?MRSANDS.Youdidn’tseeastar.MRSSANDS.Whynot?MRSANDS.BecauseI’mtellingyou.I’mtellingyouyoudidn’tseeastar.

Pause.

ROSE.Ihopeit’snottoodarkout.Ihopeit’snottooicy.Myhusband’sinhisvan.Hedoesn’tdrivesloweither.Heneverdrivesslow.

MRSANDS(guffawing).Well,he’stakingabigchancetonightthen.ROSE.What?MRSANDS.No–Imean,it’dbeabitdodgydrivingtonight.ROSE.He’saverygooddriver.

Pause.

Howlonghaveyoubeenhere?MRSSANDS.Idon’tknow.Howlonghavewebeenhere,Toddy?MRSANDS.Abouthalfanhour.MRSSANDS.Longerthanthat,muchlonger.MRSSANDS.Aboutthirty-fiveminutes.ROSE.Well,Ithinkyou’llfindMrKiddaboutsomewhere.He’snotlonggoneto

makehistea.MRSANDS.Heliveshere,doeshe?ROSE.Ofcourseheliveshere.MRSANDS.Andyousayhe’sthelandlord,ishe?ROSE.Ofcourseheis.MRSANDS.Well,sayIwantedtogetholdofhim,wherewouldIfindhim?ROSE.Well–I’mnotsure.MRSANDS.Heliveshere,doeshe?ROSE.Yes,butIdon’tknow–MRSANDS.Youdon’tknowexactlywherehehangsout?ROSE.No,notexactly.MRSANDS.Buthedoeslivehere,doesn’the?

Pause.

MRSSANDS.Thisisaverybighouse,Toddy.MRSANDS.Yes,Iknowitis.ButMrsHuddseemstoknowMrKiddverywell.ROSE.No,Iwouldn’tsaythat.Asamatteroffact,Idon’tknowhimatall.We’re

very quiet.We keep ourselves to ourselves. I never interfere. Imean,whyshouldI?We’vegotourroom.Wedon’tbotheranyoneelse.That’sthewayitshouldbe.

MRSSANDS.It’sanicehouse,isn’tit?Roomy.ROSE.Idon’tknowaboutthehouse.We’reallright,butIwouldn’tmindbetting

there’s a lot wrongwith this house. (She sits in the rocking-chair.) I thinkthere’salotofdamp.

MRSSANDS.Yes,Ifeltabitofdampwhenwewereinthebasementjustnow.ROSE.Youwereinthebasement?MRSSANDS.Yes,wewentdowntherewhenwecamein.ROSE.Why?MRSSANDS.Wewerelookingforthelandlord.ROSE.Whatwasitlikedownthere?MRSANDS.Couldn’tseeathing.ROSE.Whynot?MRSANDS.Therewasn’tanylight.ROSE.Butwhatwas–yousaiditwasdamp?MRSSANDS.Ifeltabit,didn’tyou,Tod?MRSANDS.Why?Haven’tyoueverbeendownthere,MrsHudd?ROSE.Ohyes,once,alongtimeago.

MRSANDS.Well,youknowwhatit’slikethen,don’tyou?ROSE.ItwasalongtimeagoMRSANDS.Youhaven’tbeenhereallthatlong,haveyou?ROSE.Iwasjustwonderingwhetheranyonewaslivingdowntherenow.MRSSANDS.Yes.Aman.ROSE.Aman?MRSSANDS.Yes.ROSE.Oneman?MRSANDS.Yes,therewasablokedownthere,allright.

Heperchesonthetable.

MRSSANDS.You’resittingdown!MRSANDS(jumpingup).Whois?MRSSANDS.Youwere.MRSANDS.Don’tbesilly.Iperched.MRSSANDS.Isawyousitdown.MRSANDS.YoudidnotseemesitdownbecauseIdidnotsitbloodywelldown.I

perched!MRSSANDS.DoyouthinkIcan’tperceivewhensomeone’ssittingdown?MRSANDS.Perceive!That’sallyoudo.Perceive.MRSSANDS.Youcoulddowithabitmoreofthatinsteadofallthattripeyouget

upto.MRSANDS.Youdon’tmindsomeofthattripe!MRSSANDS.Youtakeafteryouruncle,that’swhoyoutakeafter!MRSANDS.Andwhodoyoutakeafter?MRSSANDS(rising).Ididn’tbringyouintotheworld.MRSANDS.Youdidn’twhat?MRSSANDS.Isaid,Ididn’tbringyouintotheworld.MRSANDS.Well,whodidthen?That’swhatIwanttoknow.Whodid?Whodid

bringmeintotheworld?

Shesits,muttering.Hestands,muttering.

ROSE.Yousayyousawamandownstairs,inthebasement?MRSSANDS.Yes,MrsHudd,yousee,thethingis,MrsHudd,we’dheardthey’d

got a room to let here, so we thought we’d come along and have a look.Becausewe’relookingforaplace,yousee,somewherequiet,andweknewthis districtwas quiet, andwe passed the house a fewmonths ago andwe

thoughtitlookedverynice,butwethoughtwe’dcallofanevening,tocatchthe landlord, so we came along this evening.Well, when we got here wewalked in the front door and itwas very dark in the hall and therewasn’tanyoneabout.Sowewentdown to thebasement.Well,wegotdown thereonlyduetoToddyhavingsuchgoodeyesightreally.Betweenyouandme,Ididn’tlikethelookofitmuch,Imeanthefeel,wecouldn’tmakemuchout,itsmeltdamptome.Anyway,wewent throughakindofpartition, thentherewas another partition, and we couldn’t see where we were going, well, itseemed to me it got darker the more we went, the further we went in, Ithoughtwemust have come to thewronghouse.So I stopped.AndToddystopped.Andthenthisvoicesaid,thisvoicecame–itsaid–well,itgavemeabitofafright, Idon’tknowaboutTod,butsomeoneaskedifhecoulddoanythingforus.SoTodsaidwewerelookingfor thelandlordand thismansaidthelandlordwouldbeupstairs.ThenTodaskedwastherearoomvacant.Andthisman,thisvoicereally,Ithinkhewasbehindthepartition,saidyestherewas a roomvacant.Hewas very polite, I thought, butwe never sawhim,Idon’tknowwhy theyneverputa lighton.Anyway,wegotout thenandwecameupandwewenttothetopofthehouse.Idon’tknowwhetheritwasthetop.Therewasadoorlockedonthestairs,sotheremighthavebeenanother floor, butwedidn’t see anyone, and itwas dark, andwewere justcomingdownagainwhenyouopenedyourdoor.

ROSE.Yousaidyouweregoingup.MRSSANDS.What?ROSE.Yousaidyouweregoingupbefore.MRSSANDS.No,wewerecomingdown.ROSE.Youdidn’tsaythatbefore.MRSSANDS.We’dbeenup.MRSANDS.We’dbeenup.Wewerecomingdown.

Pause.

ROSE.Thisman,whatwashelike,washeold?MRSSANDS.Wedidn’tseehim.ROSE.Washeold?

Pause.

MRSANDS.Well,we’dbettertrytogetholdofthislandlord,ifhe’sabout.ROSE.Youwon’tfindanyroomsvacantinthishouse.

MRSANDS.Whynot?ROSE.MrKiddtoldme.Hetoldme.MRSANDS.MrKidd?ROSE.Hetoldmehewasfullup.MR SANDS. The man in the basement said there was one. One room. Number

sevenhesaid.

Pause.

ROSE.That’sthisroom.MRSANDS.We’dbettergoandgetholdofthelandlord.MRSSANDS (rising).Well, thank you for thewarm-up,MrsHudd. I feel better

now.ROSE.Thisroomisoccupied.MRSANDS.Comeon.MRSSANDS.Goodnight,MrsHudd.Ihopeyourhusbandwon’tbetoolong.Must

belonelyforyou,beingallalonehere.MRSANDS.Comeon.

Theygoout.ROSEwatchesthedoorclose,startstowardsit,andstops.Shetakesthechairbacktothetable,picksupthemagazine,looksatit,andputsitdown.Shegoestotherocking-chair,sits,rocks,stops,andsitsstill.Thereisasharpknockatthedoor,whichopens.EnterMRKIDD.

MRKIDD.Icamestraightin.ROSE(rising).MrKidd!Iwasjustgoingtofindyou.I’vegottospeaktoyou.MRKIDD.Lookhere,MrsHudd,I’vegottospeaktoyou.Icameupspecially.ROSE.Therewere twopeople inhere justnow.Theysaid this roomwasgoing

vacant.Whatweretheytalkingabout?MRKIDD.As soonas Iheard thevango Igot ready tocomeand seeyou. I’m

knockedout.ROSE.Whatwasitallabout?Didyouseethosepeople?Howcanthisroombe

going?It’soccupied.Didtheygetholdofyou,MrKidd?MRKIDD.Getholdofme?Who?ROSE.Itoldyou.Twopeople.Theywerelookingforthelandlord.MRKIDD. I’m just tellingyou. I’vebeengetting ready tocomeandseeyou,as

soonasIheardthevango.ROSE.Wellthen,whowerethey?MRKIDD.That’swhyIcameupbefore.Buthehadn’tgoneyet.I’vebeenwaiting

forhimtogothewholeweek-end.ROSE.MrKidd,whatdidtheymeanaboutthisroom?MRKIDD.Whatroom?ROSE.Isthisroomvacant?MRKIDD.Vacant?ROSE.Theywerelookingforthelandlord.MRKIDD.Whowere?ROSE.Listen,MrKidd,youare the landlord, aren’t you?There isn’t anyother

landlord?MRKIDD.What?What’sthatgottodowithit?Idon’tknowwhatyou’retalking

about. I’vegot to tellyou, that’sall. I’vegot to tellyou. I’vehada terribleweek-end.You’llhavetoseehim.Ican’ttakeitanymore.You’vegottoseehim.

Pause.

ROSE.Who?MRKIDD.Theman.He’sbeenwaitingtoseeyou.Hewantstoseeyou.Ican’tget

rid of him. I’mnot a youngman,MrsHudd, that’s apparent. It’s apparent.You’vegottoseehim.

ROSE.Seewho?MRKIDD.Theman.He’sdownstairsnow.He’sbeen there thewholeweek-end.

HesaidthatwhenMrHuddwentoutIwastotellhim.That’swhyIcameupbefore.Buthehadn’tgoneyet.SoItoldhim.Isaidhehasn’tgoneyet.Isaid,wellwhenhegoes, Isaid,youcangoup,goup,havedonewith it.No,hesays, youmust ask her if she’ll seeme. So I came up again, to ask you ifyou’llseehim.

ROSE.Whoishe?MRKIDD.HowdoIknowwhoheis?AllIknowishewon’tsayaword,hewon’t

indulge in any conversation, just – has he gone? that and nothing else.Hewouldn’tevenplayagameofchess.Allright, Isaid, theothernight,whilewe’rewaitingI’llplayyouagameofchess.Youplaychess,don’tyou?Itellyou,MrsHudd,Idon’tknowifheevenheardwhatIwassaying.Hejustliesthere.It’snotgoodforme.Hejustliesthere,that’sall,waiting.

ROSE.Heliesthere,inthebasement?MRKIDD.ShallItellhimit’sallright,MrsHudd?ROSE.Butit’sdampdownthere.MRKIDD.ShallItellhimit’sallright?

ROSE.Thatwhat’sallright?MRKIDD.Thatyou’llseehim.ROSE.Seehim?Ibegyourpardon,MrKidd.Idon’tknowhim.WhyshouldIsee

him?MRKIDD.Youwon’tseehim?ROSE.Doyou expectme to see someone I don’t know?Withmyhusbandnot

heretoo?MRKIDD.Butheknowsyou,MrsHudd,heknowsyou.ROSE.Howcouldhe,MrKidd,whenIdon’tknowhim?MRKIDD.Youmustknowhim.ROSE.ButIdon’tknowanybody.We’requiethere.We’ve justmovedinto this

district.MR KIDD. But he doesn’t come from this district. Perhaps you knew him in

anotherdistrict.ROSE. Mr Kidd, do you think I go around knowing men in one district after

another?WhatdoyouthinkIam?MRKIDD.Idon’tknowwhatIthink.

Hesits.

IthinkI’mgoingoffmysquiff.ROSE.Youneedrest.Anoldmanlikeyou.Whatyouneedisrest.MRKIDD.Hehasn’tgivenmeanyrest.Justlyingthere.Intheblackdark.Hour

afterhour.Whydon’tyouleavemebe,bothofyou?MrsHudd,haveabitofpity.Pleaseseehim.Whydon’tyouseehim?

ROSE.Idon’tknowhim.MRKIDD.Youcannevertell.Youmightknowhim.ROSE.Idon’tknowhim.MRKIDD(rising).Idon’tknowwhat’llhappenifyoudon’tseehim.ROSE.I’vetoldyouIdon’tknowthisman!MRKIDD.Iknowwhathe’lldo.Iknowwhathe’lldo.Ifyoudon’tseehimnow,

there’ll be nothing else for it, he’ll come up on his own bat, when yourhusband’s here, that’swhat he’ll do.He’ll come upwhenMrHudd’s here,whenyourhusband’shere.

ROSE.He’dneverdothat.MRKIDD.Hewoulddo that.That’s exactlywhathe’lldo.Youdon’t thinkhe’s

going togoawaywithoutseeingyou,afterhe’scomeall thisway,doyou?Youdon’tthinkthat,doyou?

ROSE.Allthisway?MRKIDD.Youdon’tthinkhe’sgoingtodothat,doyou?

Pause.

ROSE.Hewouldn’tdothat.MRKIDD.Ohyes.Iknowit.

Pause.

ROSE.What’sthetime?MRKIDD.Idon’tknow.

Pause.

ROSE.Fetchhim.Quick.Quick!

MRKIDDgoesout.Shesitsintherocking-chair.Aftera fewmoments the door opens. Enter a blindNegro.He closes thedoor behind him, walks further, and feels witha stick till he reaches thearmchair.Hestops.

RILEY.MrsHudd?ROSE.Youjusttouchedachair.Whydon’tyousitinit?

Hesits.

RILEY.Thankyou.ROSE.Don’tthankmeforanything.Idon’twantyouuphere.Idon’tknowwho

youare.Andthesooneryougetoutthebetter.

Pause.

(Rising.)Well,comeon.Enough’senough.Youcantakealibertytoofar,youknow. What do you want? You force your way up here. You disturb myevening.Youcomeinandsitdownhere.Whatdoyouwant?

Helooksabouttheroom.

Whatareyoulookingat?You’reblind,aren’tyou?Sowhatareyoulookingat?Whatdoyouthinkyou’vegothere,alittlegirl?Icankeepupwithyou.I’moneaheadofpeoplelikeyou.Tellmewhatyouwantandgetout.

RILEY.MynameisRiley.ROSE. Idon’tcare if it’s–What?That’snotyourname.That’snotyourname.

You’vegot agrown-upwoman in this room,doyouhear?Orareyoudeaf

too?You’renotdeaftoo,areyou?You’realldeafanddumbandblind,thelotofyou.Abunchofcripples.

Pause.

RILEY.Thisisalargeroom.ROSE. Nevermind about the room.What do you know about this room?You

knownothingaboutit.Andyouwon’tbestayinginitlongeither.Myluck.Igetthesecreepscomein,smellingupmyroom.Whatdoyouwant?

RILEY.Iwanttoseeyou.ROSE.Wellyoucan’tseeme,canyou?You’reablindman.Anold,poorblind

man.Aren’tyou?Can’tseeadickeybird.

Pause.

Theysay Iknowyou.That’san insult, fora start.Because Ican tellyou, Iwouldn’tknowyoutospiton,notfromamileoff.

Pause.

Oh, these customers. They come in here and stink the place out. After ahandout. I know all about it. And as for you saying you know me, whatlibertyisthat?Tellingmylandlordtoo.Upsettingmylandlord.Whatdoyouthink you’re up to?We’re settled down here, cosy, quiet, and our landlordthinkstheworldofus,we’rehisfavouritetenants,andyoucomeinanddrivehimupthewall,anddragmynameintoit!Whatdidyoumeanbydraggingmynameintoit,andmyhusband’sname?Howdidyouknowwhatournamewas?

Pause.

You’ve led him a dance, have you, this week-end?You’ve got him going,have you? A poor, weak old man, who lets a respectable house. Finished.Done for. You push your way in and shove him about. And you drag mynameintoit.

Pause.

Comeon,then.Yousayyouwantedtoseeme.Well,I’mhere.Spititoutoroutyougo.Whatdoyouwant?

RILEY.Ihaveamessageforyou.ROSE.You’vegotwhat?Howcouldyouhave amessage forme,MisterRiley,

when I don’t know you and nobody knows I’m here and I don’t know

anybodyanyway.You think I’maneasy touch,don’tyou?Well,whydon’tyougiveitupasabadjob?Getoffoutofit.I’vehadenoughofthis.You’renotonlyanut,you’reablindnutandyoucangetoutthewayyoucame.

Pause.

Whatmessage?Whohaveyougotamessagefrom?Who?RILEY.Yourfatherwantsyoutocomehome.

Pause.

ROSE.Home?RILEY.Yes.ROSE.Home?Gonow.Comeon.It’slate.It’slate.RILEY.Tocomehome.ROSE.Stopit.Ican’ttakeit.Whatdoyouwant?Whatdoyouwant?RILEY.Comehome,Sal.

Pause.

ROSE.Whatdidyoucallme?RILEY.Comehome,Sal.ROSE.Don’tcallmethat.RILEY.Come,now.ROSE.Don’tcallmethat.RILEY.Sonowyou’rehere.ROSE.NotSal.RILEY.NowItouchyou.ROSE.Don’ttouchme.RILEY.Sal.ROSE.Ican’t.RILEY.Iwantyoutocomehome.ROSE.No.RILEY.Withme.ROSE.Ican’t.RILEY.Iwaitedtoseeyou.ROSE.Yes.RILEY.NowIseeyou.ROSE.Yes.RILEY.Sal.ROSE.Notthat.

RILEY.So,now.

Pause.

So,now.ROSE.I’vebeenhere.RILEY.Yes.ROSE.Long.RILEY.Yes.ROSE.Thedayisahump.Inevergoout.RILEY.No.ROSE.I’vebeenhere.RILEY.Comehomenow,Sal.

Shetoucheshiseyes,thebackofhisheadandhis templeswithherhands.EnterBERT.Hestopsatthedoor,thengoestothewindowanddrawsthecurtains. It isdark.Hecomestothecentreoftheroomandregardsthewoman.

BERT.Igotbackallright.ROSE(goingtowardshim).Yes.BERT.Igotbackallright.

Pause.

ROSE.Isitlate?BERT.Ihadagoodbowldownthere.

Pause.

Idroveherdown,hard.Theygotitdarkout.ROSE.Yes.BERT.ThenIdroveherback,hard.Theygotitveryicyout.ROSE.Yes.BERT.ButIdroveher.

Pause.

Ispedher.

Pause.

I canedher along.Shewasgood.Then I got back. I could see the road allright.Therewasnocars.Onetherewas.Hewouldn’tmove.Ibumpedhim.I

gotmyroad.Ihadallmyway.Thereagainandback.Theyshovedoutofit.Ikeptonthestraight.Therewasnomixingit.Notwithher.Shewasgood.Shewentwithme.Shedon’tmixitwithme.Iusemyhand.Likethat.Igetholdofher.IgowhereIgo.Shetookmethere.Shebroughtmeback.

Pause.

Igotbackallright.

Hetakesthechairfromthetableandsits to the leftof the NEGRO’Schair,closetoit.HeregardstheNEGROforsomemoments.Thenwithhisfootheliftsthearmchairup.TheNEGROfallsontothefloor.Herisesslowly.

RILEY.MrHudd,yourwife–BERT.Lice!

HestrikestheNEGRO,knockinghimdown,andthenkickshisheadagainstthegas-stoveseveraltimes.TheNEGROliesstill.BERTwalksaway.Silence.ROSEstandsclutchinghereyes.

ROSE.Can’tsee.Ican’tsee.Ican’tsee.

Blackout

Curtain

THEDUMBWAITER

TheDumbWaiterwasfirstpresentedat theHampsteadTheatreClubon21January1960,withthefollowingcast:

BEN NicholasSelby GUS GeorgeTovey

DirectedbyJamesRoose-Evans

TheDumbWaiterwas transferred to the Royal Court Theatre on 8March1960,withthesamecast.

TheDumbWaiterwasproducedfortelevisonbytheBBCon23July1985,withthefollowingcast:

BEN ColinBlakely GUS KennethCranham

DirectedbyKennethIves

THEDUMBWAITER

Scene:A basement room. Two beds, flat against the back wall. A serving hatch, closed, between the beds. A door to the kitchen andlavatory,left.Adoortoapassage,right.

BEN is lying on a bed, left, reading a paper.GUS is sitting on a bed,right, tying his shoelaces,with difficulty. Both are dressed in shirts,trousersandbraces.Silence.GUS ties his laces, rises, yawns and begins to walk slowly to the

door,left.Hestops,looksdown,andshakeshisfoot.BEN lowers his paper andwatches him.GUS kneels and unties his

shoe-laceandslowlytakesofftheshoe.Helooksinsideitandbringsout a flattenedmatchbox. He shakes it and examines it. Their eyesmeet.BEN rattles his paper and reads. GUS puts thematchbox in hispocket and bends down to put on his shoe. He ties his lace, withdifficulty.BEN lowers his paper and watches him. GUS walks to thedoor,left,stops,andshakestheotherfoot.Hekneels,untieshisshoe-lace,andslowlytakesofftheshoe.Helooksinsideitandbringsoutaflattened cigarette packet. He shakes it and examines it. Their eyesmeet. BEN rattles his paper and reads. GUS puts the packet in hispocket,bendsdown,putsonhisshoeandtiesthelace.Hewandersoff,left.BENslamsthepaperdownonthebedandglaresafterhim.Hepicks

upthepaperandliesonhisback,reading.Silence.Alavatorychainispulledtwiceoff, left,butthelavatorydoesnot

flush.Silence.GUSre-enters, left, andhalts at thedoor, scratchinghis head.BEN

slamsdownthepaper.

BEN.Kaw!

Hepicksupthepaper.

Whataboutthis?Listentothis!

Hereferstothepaper.

Amanofeighty-sevenwantedtocrosstheroad.Buttherewasalotoftraffic,see?He couldn’t seehowhewasgoing to squeeze through.Sohe crawledunderalorry.

GUS.Hewhat?BEN.Hecrawledunderalorry.Astationarylorry.GUS.No?BEN.Thelorrystartedandranoverhim.GUS.Goon!BEN.That’swhatitsayshere.GUS.Getaway.BEN.It’senoughtomakeyouwanttopuke,isn’tit?GUS.Whoadvisedhimtodoathinglikethat?BEN.Amanofeighty-sevencrawlingunderalorry!GUS.It’sunbelievable.BEN.It’sdownhereinblackandwhite.GUS.Incredible.

Silence.GUSshakeshisheadandexits.BENliesbackandreads.Thelavatorychainispulledonceoffleft,butthelavatorydoesnotflush.BENwhistlesataniteminthepaper.GUSre-enters.

Iwanttoaskyousomething.BEN.Whatareyoudoingoutthere?GUS.Well,Iwasjust–BEN.Whataboutthetea?GUS.I’mjustgoingtomakeit.BEN.Well,goon,makeit.GUS.Yes,Iwill.(Hesitsinachair.Ruminatively.)He’s laidonsomeverynice

crockerythistime,I’llsaythat.It’ssortofstriped.There’sawhitestripe.

BENreads.

It’sverynice.I’llsaythat.

BENturnsthepage.

Youknow,sortofroundthecup.Roundtherim.Alltherestofit’sblack,yousee.Then the saucer’s black, except for right in themiddle,where the cupgoes,whereit’swhite.

BENreads.

Thentheplatesarethesame,yousee.Onlythey’vegotablackstripe–theplates–rightacrossthemiddle.Yes,I’mquitetakenwiththecrockery.

BEN(stillreading).Whatdoyouwantplatesfor?You’renotgoingtoeat.GUS.I’vebroughtafewbiscuits.BEN.Well,you’dbettereatthemquick.GUS.Ialwaysbringafewbiscuits.Orapie.YouknowIcan’tdrinkteawithout

anythingtoeat.BEN.Well,maketheteathen,willyou?Time’sgettingon.

GUSbringsouttheflattenedcigarettepacketandexaminesit.

GUS.Yougotanycigarettes?IthinkI’verunout.

Hethrowsthepackethighupandleansforwardtocatchit.

Ihopeitwon’tbealongjob,thisone.

Aimingcarefully,heflipsthepacketunderhisbed.

Oh,Iwantedtoaskyousomething.BEN(slamminghispaperdown).Kaw!GUS.What’sthat?BEN.Achildofeightkilledacat!GUS.Getaway.BEN.It’safact.Whataboutthat,eh?Achildofeightkillingacat!GUS.Howdidhedoit?BEN.Itwasagirl.GUS.Howdidshedoit?BEN.She–

Hepicksupthepaperandstudiesit.

Itdoesn’tsay.GUS.Whynot?BEN.Waitaminute.Itjustsays–Herbrother,agedeleven,viewedtheincident

fromthetoolshed.GUS.Goon!BEN.That’sbloodyridiculous.

Pause.

GUS.IbethediditBEN.Who?GUS.Thebrother.BEN.Ithinkyou’reright.

Pause.

(Slammingdownthepaper.)Whataboutthat,eh?Akidofelevenkillingacatandblamingitonhislittlesisterofeight!It’senoughto–

Hebreaksoffindisgustandseizesthepaper.GUSrises.

GUS.Whattimeishegettingintouch?

BENreads.

Whattimeishegettingintouch?BEN.What’sthematterwithyou?Itcouldbeanytime.Anytime.GUS(movestothefootofBEN’Sbed).Well,Iwasgoingtoaskyousomething.BEN.What?GUS.Haveyounoticedthetimethattanktakestofill?BEN.Whattank?GUS.Inthelavatory.BEN.No.Doesit?GUS.Terrible.BEN.Well,whataboutit?GUS.Whatdoyouthink’sthematterwithit?BEN.Nothing.GUS.Nothing?BEN.It’sgotadeficientballcock,that’sall.GUS.Adeficientwhat?BEN.Ballcock.GUS.No?Really?

BEN.That’swhatIshouldsay.GUS.Goon!Thatdidn’toccurtome.

GUSwanderstohisbedandpressesthemattress.

I didn’t have a very restful sleep today, did you? It’s notmuch of a bed. Icouldhavedonewithanotherblanket too.(Hecatchessightofapictureonthewall.)Hello,what’s this? (Peeringat it.) ‘TheFirstEleven.’Cricketers.Youseenthis,Ben?

BEN(reading).What?GUS.Thefirsteleven.BEN.What?GUS.There’saphotohereofthefirsteleven.BEN.Whatfirsteleven?GUS(studyingthephoto).Itdoesn’tsay.BEN.Whataboutthattea?GUS.Theyalllookabitoldtome.

GUSwandersdownstage,looksoutfront,thenallabouttheroom.

Iwouldn’t like to live in thisdump. Iwouldn’tmind ifyouhadawindow,youcouldseewhatitlookedlikeoutside.

BEN.Whatdoyouwantawindowfor?GUS.Well,Iliketohaveabitofaview,Ben.Itwhilesawaythetime.

Hewalksabouttheroom.

Imean, you come into a placewhen it’s still dark, you come into a roomyou’veneverseenbefore,yousleepallday,youdoyourjob,andthenyougoawayinthenightagain.

Pause.

Iliketogetalookatthescenery.Younevergetthechanceinthisjob.BEN.Yougetyourholidays,don’tyou?GUS.Onlyafortnight.BEN (lowering the paper). You kill me. Anyone would think you’re working

every day. How often do we do a job? Once a week? What are youcomplainingabout?

GUS.Yes,butwe’vegottobeontapthough,haven’twe?Youcan’tmoveoutofthehouseincaseacallcomes.

BEN.Youknowwhatyourtroubleis?

GUS.What?BEN.Youhaven’tgotanyinterests.GUS.I’vegotinterests.BEN.What?Tellmeoneofyourinterests.

Pause.

GUS.I’vegotinterests.BEN.Lookatme.WhathaveIgot?GUS.Idon’tknow.What?BEN. I’vegotmywoodwork.I’vegotmymodelboats.Haveyoueverseenme

idle? I’mnever idle. Iknowhow tooccupymy time, to itsbestadvantage.Thenwhenacallcomes,I’mready.

GUS.Don’tyouevergetabitfedup?BEN.Fedup?Whatwith?

Silence.BENreads.GUSfeelsinthepocketofhisjacket,whichhangsonthebed.

GUS.Yougotanycigarettes?I’verunout.

Thelavatoryflushesoffleft.

Thereshegoes.

GUSsitsonhisbed.

No,Imean,Isaythecrockery’sgood.Itis.It’sverynice.Butthat’saboutallIcansayforthisplace.It’sworsethanthelastone.Rememberthatlastplacewewerein?Lasttime,wherewasit?Atleasttherewasawirelessthere.No,honest.Hedoesn’tseemtobothermuchaboutourcomfortthesedays.

BEN.Whenareyougoingtostopjabbering?GUS.You’dgetrheumatisminaplacelikethis,ifyoustaylong.BEN.We’renot staying long.Make the tea,will you?We’ll beon the job in a

minute.

GUSpicks up a small bag by his bed and brings out a packet of tea.Heexaminesitandlooksup.

GUS.Eh,I’vebeenmeaningtoaskyou.BEN.Whatthehellisitnow?GUS.Whydidyoustopthecarthismorning,inthemiddleofthatroad?BEN(loweringthepaper).Ithoughtyouwereasleep.

GUS.Iwas,butIwokeupwhenyoustopped.Youdidstop,didn’tyou?

Pause.

Inthemiddleofthatroad.Itwasstilldark,don’tyouremember?Ilookedout.Itwasallmisty.Ithoughtperhapsyouwantedtokip,butyouweresittingupdeadstraight,likeyouwerewaitingforsomething.

BEN.Iwasn’twaitingforanything.GUS.Imusthavefallenasleepagain.Whatwasallthataboutthen?Whydidyou

stop?BEN(pickingupthepaper).Weweretooearly.GUS.Early?(Herises.)Whatdoyoumean?Wegotthecall,didn’twe,sayingwe

weretostartrightaway.Wedid.Weshovedoutonthedot.Sohowcouldwebetooearly?

BEN(quietly).Whotookthecall,meoryou?GUS.You.BEN.Weweretooearly.GUS.Tooearlyforwhat?

Pause.

Youmeansomeonehadtogetoutbeforewegotin?

Heexaminesthebedclothes.

I thought these sheetsdidn’t look toobright. I thought theyponged abit. IwastootiredtonoticewhenIgotinthismorning.Eh,that’stakingabitofaliberty, isn’t it? Idon’twant tosharemybed-sheets. I toldyou thingsweregoingdownthedrain. Imean,we’vealwayshadcleansheetskidonup tillnow.I’venoticedit.

BEN.Howdoyouknowthosesheetsweren’tclean?GUS.Whatdoyoumean?BEN.Howdoyouknowtheyweren’tclean?You’vespentthewholedayinthem,

haven’tyou?GUS.What, you mean it might be my pong? (He sniffs sheets.) Yes. (He sitsslowlyonbed.) It couldbemypong, I suppose. It’sdifficult to tell. Idon’treallyknowwhatIponglike,that’sthetrouble.

BEN(referringtothepaper).Kaw!GUS.Eh,Ben.BEN.Kaw!GUS.Ben.

BEN.What?GUS.Whattownarewein?I’veforgotten.BEN.I’vetoldyou.Birmingham.GUS.Goon!

Helookswithinterestabouttheroom.

That’s in theMidlands. The second biggest city inGreatBritain. I’d neverhaveguessed.

Hesnapshisfingers.

Eh,it’sFridaytoday,isn’tit?It’llbeSaturdaytomorrow.BEN.Whataboutit?GUS(excited).WecouldgoandwatchtheVilla.BEN.They’replayingaway.GUS.No,arethey?Caarr!Whatapity.BEN.Anyway,there’snotime.We’vegottogetstraightback.GUS.Well,we have done in the past, haven’twe? Stayed over andwatched a

game,haven’twe?Forabitofrelaxation.BEN.Thingshavetightenedup,mate.They’vetightenedup.

GUSchucklestohimself.

GUS.IsawtheVillagetbeatinacup-tieonce.Whowasitagainstnow?Whiteshirts.Itwasone-allathalf-time.I’llneverforgetit.Theiropponentswonbyapenalty.Talkaboutdrama.Yes, itwasadisputedpenalty.Disputed.Theygotbeattwo-one,anyway,becauseofit.Youwerethereyourself.

BEN.Notme.GUS.Yes,youwerethere.Don’tyourememberthatdisputedpenalty?BEN.No.GUS. Hewent down just inside the area. Then they said he was just acting. I

didn’tthinktheotherbloketouchedhimmyself.Buttherefereehadtheballonthespot.

BEN.Didn’ttouchhim!Whatareyoutalkingabout?Helaidhimoutflat!GUS.NottheVilla.TheVilladon’tplaythatsortofgame.BEN.Getoutofit.

Pause.

GUS.Eh,thatmusthavebeenhere,inBirmingham.BEN.Whatmust?

GUS.TheVilla.Thatmusthavebeenhere.BEN.Theywereplayingaway.GUS. Because you know who the other team was? It was the Spurs. It was

TottenhamHotspur.BEN.Well,whataboutit?GUS.We’veneverdoneajobinTottenham.BEN.Howdoyouknow?GUS.I’drememberTottenham.

BENturnsonhisbedtolookathim.

BEN.Don’tmakemelaugh,willyou?

BENturnsbackandreads.GUSyawnsandspeaksthroughhisyawn.

GUS.When’shegoingtogetintouch?

Pause.

Yes,I’dliketoseeanotherfootballmatch.I’vealwaysbeenanardentfootballfan.Here,whataboutcomingtoseetheSpurstomorrow?

BEN(tonelessly).They’replayingaway.GUS.Whoare?BEN.TheSpurs.GUS.Thentheymightbeplayinghere.BEN.Don’tbesilly.GUS.Ifthey’replayingawaytheymightbeplayinghere.Theymightbeplaying

theVilla.BEN(tonelessly).ButtheVillaareplayingaway.

Pause. An envelope slides under the door, right. GUS sees it. He stands,lookingatit.

GUS.Ben.BEN.Away.They’reallplayingaway.GUS.Ben,lookhere.BEN.What?GUS.Look.

BENturnshisheadandseestheenvelope.Hestands.

BEN.What’sthat?GUS.Idon’tknow.

BEN.Wherediditcomefrom?GUS.Underthedoor.BEN.Well,whatisit?GUS.Idon’tknow.

Theystareatit.

BEN.Pickitup.GUS.Whatdoyoumean?BEN.Pickitup!

GUSslowlymovestowardsit,bendsandpicksitup.

Whatisit?GUS.Anenvelope.BEN.Isthereanythingonit?GUS.No.BEN.Isitsealed?GUS.Yes.BEN.Openit.GUS.What?BEN.Openit!

GUSopensitandlooksinside.

What’sinit?

GUSemptiestwelvematchesintohishand.

GUS.Matches.BEN.Matches?GUS.Yes.BEN.Showittome.

GUSpassestheenvelope.BENexaminesit.

Nothingonit.Notaword.GUS.That’sfunny,isn’tit?BEN.Itcameunderthedoor?GUS.Musthavedone.BEN.Well,goon.GUS.Goonwhere?BEN.Openthedoorandseeifyoucancatchanyoneoutside.

GUS.Who,me?BEN.Goon!

GUSstaresathim,putsthematchesinhispocket,goestohisbedandbringsarevolver fromunder thepillow.Hegoes to thedoor,opens it, looksoutandshutsit.

GUS.Noone.

Hereplacestherevolver.

BEN.Whatdidyousee?GUS.Nothing.BEN.Theymusthavebeenprettyquick.

GUStakesthematchesfromhispocketandlooksatthem.

GUS.Well,they’llcomeinhandy.BEN.Yes.GUS.Won’tthey?BEN.Yes,you’realwaysrunningout,aren’tyou?GUS.Allthetime.BEN.Well,they’llcomeinhandythen.GUS.Yes.BEN.Won’tthey?GUS.Yes,Icoulddowiththem.Icoulddowiththemtoo.BEN.Youcould,eh?GUS.Yes.BEN.Why?GUS.Wehaven’tgotany.BEN.Well,you’vegotsomenow,haven’tyou?GUS.Icanlightthekettlenow.BEN.Yes,you’realwayscadgingmatches.Howmanyhaveyougotthere?GUS.Aboutadozen.BEN.Well,don’tlosethem.Redtoo.Youdon’tevenneedabox.

GUSprobeshisearwithamatch.

(Slappinghishand).Don’twastethem!Goon,goandlightit.GUS.Eh?BEN.Goandlightit.GUS.Lightwhat?

BEN.Thekettle.GUS.Youmeanthegas.BEN.Whodoes?GUS.Youdo.BEN(hiseyesnarrowing).Whatdoyoumean,Imeanthegas?GUS.Well,that’swhatyoumean,don’tyou?Thegas.BEN(powerfully).IfIsaygoandlightthekettleImeangoandlightthekettle.GUS.Howcanyoulightakettle?BEN.It’safigureofspeech!Lightthekettle.It’safigureofspeech!GUS.I’veneverheardit.BEN.Lightthekettle!It’scommonusage!GUS.Ithinkyou’vegotitwrong.BEN(menacing).Whatdoyoumean?GUS.Theysayputonthekettle.BEN(taut).Whosays?

Theystareateachother,breathinghard.

(Deliberately.)Ihaveneverinallmylifeheardanyonesayputonthekettle.GUS.Ibetmymotherusedtosayit.BEN.Yourmother?Whendidyoulastseeyourmother?GUS.Idon’tknow,about–BEN.Well,whatareyoutalkingaboutyourmotherfor?

Theystare.

Gus,I’mnottryingtobeunreasonable.I’mjusttryingtopointoutsomethingtoyou.

GUS.Yes,but–BEN.Who’stheseniorpartnerhere,meoryou?GUS.You.BEN.I’monlylookingafteryourinterests,Gus.You’vegottolearn,mate.GUS.Yes,butI’veneverheard–BEN(vehemently).Nobodysayslightthegas!Whatdoesthegaslight?GUS.Whatdoesthegas–?BEN(grabbinghimwith twohandsby the throat,atarm’s length).THEKETTLE,

YOUFOOL!

GUStakesthehandsfromhisthroat.

GUS.Allright,allright.

Pause.

BEN.Well,whatareyouwaitingfor?GUS.Iwanttoseeiftheylight.BEN.What?GUS.Thematches.

Hetakesouttheflattenedboxandtriestostrike.

No.

Hethrowstheboxunderthebed.BENstaresathim.GUSraiseshisfoot.

ShallItryitonhere?

BENstares.GUSstrikesamatchonhisshoe.Itlights.

Hereweare.BEN(wearily).Putonthebloodykettle,forChrist’ssake.

BENgoes tohisbed,but,realisingwhathehassaid,stopsandhalf turns.Theylookateachother.GUSslowlyexits,left.BENslamshispaperdownonthebedandsitsonit,headinhands.

GUS(entering).It’sgoing.BEN.What?GUS.Thestove.

GUSgoestohisbedandsits.

Iwonderwhoit’llbetonight.

Silence.

Eh,I’vebeenwantingtoaskyousomething.BEN(puttinghislegsonthebed).Oh,forChrist’ssake.GUS.No.Iwasgoingtoaskyousomething.

HerisesandsitsonBEN’Sbed.

BEN.Whatareyousittingonmybedfor?

GUSsits.

What’sthematterwithyou?You’realwaysaskingmequestions.What’sthe

matterwithyou?GUS.Nothing.BEN.Youneverusedtoaskmesomanydamnquestions.What’scomeoveryou?GUS.No,Iwasjustwondering.BEN.Stopwondering.You’vegotajobtodo.Whydon’tyoujustdoitandshut

up?GUS.That’swhatIwaswonderingabout.BEN.What?GUS.Thejob.BEN.Whatjob?GUS(tentatively).Ithoughtperhapsyoumightknowsomething.

BENlooksathim.

Ithoughtperhapsyou–Imean–haveyougotanyidea–whoit’sgoingtobetonight?

BEN.Whowhat’sgoingtobe?

Theylookateachother.

GUS(atlength).Whoit’sgoingtobe.

Silence.

BEN.Areyoufeelingallright?GUS.Sure.BEN.Goandmakethetea.GUS.Yes,sure.

GUSexits, left,BEN looksafterhim.He then takeshisrevolver fromunderthepillowandchecksitforammunition.GUSre-enters.

Thegashasgoneout.BEN.Well,whataboutit?GUS.There’sameter.BEN.Ihaven’tgotanymoney.GUS.NorhaveI.BEN.You’llhavetowait.GUS.Whatfor?BEN.ForWilson.GUS. He might not come. He might just send a message. He doesn’t always

come.

BEN.Well,you’llhavetodowithoutit,won’tyou?GUS.Blimey.BEN.You’llhaveacupofteaafterwards.What’sthematterwithyou?GUS.Iliketohaveonebefore.

BENholdstherevolveruptothelightandpolishesit.

BEN.You’dbettergetreadyanyway.GUS.Well,Idon’tknow,that’sabitmuch,youknow,formymoney.

Hepicksupapacketofteafromthebedandthrowsitintothebag.

Ihopehe’sgotashilling,anyway, ifhecomes.He’sentitled tohave.Afterall,it’shisplace,hecouldhaveseentherewasenoughgasforacupoftea.

BEN.Whatdoyoumean,it’shisplace?GUS.Well,isn’tit?BEN.He’sprobablyonlyrentedit.Itdoesn’thavetobehisplace.GUS.Iknowit’shisplace.Ibetthewholehouseis.He’snotevenlayingonany

gasnoweither.

GUSsitsonhisbed.

It’s his place all right.Look at all the other places.Yougo to this address,there’s a key there, there’s a teapot, there’s never a soul in sight – (Hepauses.)Eh,nobodyeverhears a thing, haveyouever thoughtof that?Wenevergetanycomplaints,dowe,toomuchnoiseoranythinglikethat?Younever seea soul,doyou?–except theblokewhocomes.Youevernoticedthat? Iwonder if thewallsaresound-proof. (Hetouches thewallabove hisbed.)Can’ttell.Allyoudoiswait,eh?Halfthetimehedoesn’tevenbothertoputinanappearance,Wilson.

BEN.Whyshouldhe?He’sabusyman.GUS(thoughtfully).Ifindhimhardtotalkto,Wilson.Doyouknowthat,Ben?BEN.Scrubroundit,willyou?

Pause.

GUS.ThereareanumberofthingsIwanttoaskhim.ButIcannevergetroundtoit,whenIseehim.

Pause.

I’vebeenthinkingaboutthelastone.BEN.Whatlastone?

GUS.Thatgirl.

BENgrabsthepaper,whichhereads.

(Rising,lookingdownatBEN).Howmanytimeshaveyoureadthatpaper?

BENslamsthepaperdownandrises.

BEN(angrily).Whatdoyoumean?GUS.Iwasjustwonderinghowmanytimesyou’d–BEN.Whatareyoudoing,criticizingme?GUS.No,Iwasjust–BEN.You’llgetaswiperoundyourearholeifyoudon’twatchyourstep.GUS.Nowlookhere,Ben–BEN.I’mnotlookinganywhere!(Headdressestheroom.)Howmanytimeshave

I–ǃAbloodyliberty!GUS.Ididn’tmeanthat.BEN.Youjustgetonwithit,mate.Getonwithit,that’sall.

BENgetsbackonthebed.

GUS.Iwasjustthinkingaboutthatgirl,that’sall.

GUSsitsonhisbed.

Shewasn’tmuchtolookat,Iknow,butstill.Itwasamessthough,wasn’tit?Whatamess.Honest,Ican’trememberamesslikethatone.Theydon’tseemtoholdtogetherlikemen,women.Alooser texture, like.Didn’tshespread,eh?Shedidn’thalfspread.Kaw!ButI’vebeenmeaningtoaskyou.

BENsitsupandclencheshiseyes.

Who clears up after we’ve gone? I’m curious about that. Who does theclearing up?Maybe they don’t clear up.Maybe they just leave them there,eh?Whatdoyouthink?Howmanyjobshavewedone?Blimey,Ican’tcountthem.Whatiftheyneverclearanythingupafterwe’vegone.

BEN (pityingly). You mutt. Do you think we’re the only branch of thisorganization?Haveabitofcommon.Theygotdepartmentsforeverything.

GUS.Whatcleanersandall?BEN.Youbirk!GUS.No,itwasthatgirlmademestarttothink–

Thereisaloudclatterandracketinthebulgeofwallbetweenthebeds,of

something descending. They grab their revolvers, jump up and face thewall. The noise comes to a stop. Silence. They look at each other. BENgestures sharply towards the wall. GUS approaches the wall slowly. Hebangsitwithhisrevolver.Itishollow.BENmovestotheheadofhisbed,hisrevolvercocked.GUSputshisrevolveronhisbedandpatsalongthebottomof the centre panel. He finds a rim. He lifts the panel. Disclosed is aserving-hatch, a ‘dumbwaiter’.Awidebox is heldbypulleys.GUS peersintothebox.Hebringsoutapieceofpaper.

BEN.Whatisit?GUS.Youhavealookatit.BEN.Readit.GUS (reading). Two braised steak and chips. Two sago puddings. Two teas

withoutsugar.BEN.Letmeseethat.(Hetakesthepaper.)GUS(tohimself).Twoteaswithoutsugar.BEN.Mmnn.GUS.Whatdoyouthinkofthat?BEN.Well–

Theboxgoesup.BENlevelshisrevolver.

GUS.Giveusachance!They’reinahurry,aren’tthey?

BENre-readsthenote.GUSlooksoverhisshoulder.

That’sabit–that’sabitfunny,isn’tit?BEN (quickly).No. It’snot funny. It probablyused tobe a caféhere, that’s all.

Upstairs.Theseplaceschangehandsveryquickly.GUS.Acafé?BEN.Yes.GUS.What,youmeanthiswasthekitchen,downhere?BEN. Yes, they change hands overnight, these places.Go into liquidation. The

peoplewhorunit,youknow, theydon’tfinditagoingconcern, theymoveout.

GUS.Youmeanthepeoplewhoranthisplacedidn’tfinditagoingconcernandmovedout?

BEN.Sure.GUS.WELL,WHO’SGOTITNOW?

Silence.

BEN.Whatdoyoumean,who’sgotitnow?GUS.Who’sgotitnow?Iftheymovedout,whomovedin?BEN.Well,thatalldepends–

Theboxdescendswithaclatterandbang.BENlevelshisrevolver.GUSgoestotheboxandbringsoutapieceofpaper.

GUS(reading).Soupoftheday.Liverandonions.Jamtart.

Apause.GUSlooksatBEN.BENtakesthenoteandreadsit.Hewalksslowlytothehatch.gusfollows.BENlooksintothehatchbutnotupit.GUSputshishandonBEN’Sshoulder.BENthrowsitoff.GUSputshisfingertohismouth.Heleansonthehatchandswiftlylooksupit.BENflingshimawayinalarm.BEN looksat thenote.He throwshis revolveron thebedandspeakswithdecision.

BEN.We’dbettersendsomethingup.GUS.Eh?BEN.We’dbettersendsomethingup.GUS.Oh!Yes.Yes.Maybeyou’reright.

Theyarebothrelievedatthedecision.

BEN(purposefully).Quick!Whathaveyougotinthatbag?GUS.Notmuch.

GUSgoestothehatchandshoutsupit.

Waitaminute!BEN.Don’tdothat!

GUSexaminesthecontentsofthebagandbringsthemout,onebyone.

GUS.Biscuits.Abarofchocolate.Halfapintofmilk.BEN.Thatall?GUS.Packetoftea.BEN.Good.GUS.Wecan’tsendthetea.That’salltheteawe’vegot.BEN.Well,there’snogas.Youcan’tdoanythingwithit,canyou?GUS.Maybetheycansendusdownabob.BEN.Whatelseisthere?GUS(reachingintobag).OneEcclescake.

BEN.OneEcclescake?GUS.Yes.BEN.YounevertoldmeyouhadanEcclescake.GUS.Didn’tI?BEN.Whyonlyone?Didn’tyoubringoneforme?GUS.Ididn’tthinkyou’dbekeen.BEN.Well,youcan’tsenduponeEcclescake,anyway.GUS.Whynot?BEN.Fetchoneofthoseplates.GUS.Allright.

GUSgoestowardsthedoor,left,andstops.

DoyoumeanIcankeeptheEcclescakethen?BEN.Keepit?GUS.Well,theydon’tknowwe’vegotit,dothey?BEN.That’snotthepoint.GUS.Can’tIkeepit?BEN.No,youcan’t.Gettheplate.

GUSexits,left.BENlooksinthebag.Hebringsoutapacketofcrisps.EnterGUSwithaplate.

(Accusingly,holdingupthecrisps).Wheredidthesecomefrom?GUS.What?BEN.Wheredidthesecrispscomefrom?GUS.Wheredidyoufindthem?BEN(hittinghimontheshoulder).You’replayingadirtygame,mylad!GUS.Ionlyeatthosewithbeer!BEN.Well,wherewereyougoingtogetthebeer?GUS.IwassavingthemtillIdid.BEN.I’llrememberthis.Puteverythingontheplate.

Theypileeverythingontotheplate.Theboxgoesupwithouttheplate.

Waitaminute!

Theystand.

GUS.It’sgoneup.BEN.It’sallyourstupidfault,playingabout!GUS.Whatdowedonow?

BEN.We’llhavetowaittillitcomesdown.

BENputstheplateonthebed,putsonhisshoulderholster,andstartstoputonhistie.

You’dbettergetready.

GUSgoestohisbed,putsonhistie,andstartstofixhisholster.

GUS.Hey,Ben.BEN.What?GUS.What’sgoingonhere?

Pause.

BEN.Whatdoyoumean?GUS.Howcanthisbeacafé?BEN.Itusedtobeacafé.GUS.Haveyouseenthegasstove?BEN.Whataboutit?GUS.It’sonlygotthreerings.BEN.Sowhat?GUS.Well,youcouldn’tcookmuchonthreerings,notforabusyplacelikethis.BEN(irritably).That’swhytheserviceisslow!

BENputsonhiswaistcoat.

GUS.Yes, butwhat happenswhenwe’re not here?What do they do then?Allthesemenuscomingdownandnothinggoingup.Itmighthavebeengoingonlikethisforyears.

BENbrusheshisjacket.

Whathappenswhenwego?

BENputsonhisjacket.

Theycan’tdomuchbusiness.

Theboxdescends.Theyturnabout.GUSgoestothehatchandbringsoutanote.

GUS(reading).MacaroniPastitsio.OrmithaMacarounada.BEN.Whatwasthat?GUS.MacaroniPastitsio.OrmithaMacarounada.

BEN.Greekdishes.GUS.No.BEN.That’sright.GUS.That’sprettyhighclass.BEN.Quickbeforeitgoesup.

GUSputstheplateinthebox.

GUS(callingupthehatch).ThreeMcVitieandPrice!OneLyonsRedLabel!OneSmith’sCrisps!OneEcclescake!OneFruitandNut!

BEN.Cadbury’s.GUS(upthehatch).Cadbury’s!BEN(handingthemilk).Onebottleofmilk.GUS (up the hatch). One bottle of milk! Half a pint! (He looks at the label.)

ExpressDairy!(Heputsthebottleinthebox.)

Theboxgoesup.

Justdidit.BEN.Youshouldn’tshoutlikethat.GUS.Whynot?BEN.Itisn’tdone.

BENgoestohisbed.

Well,thatshouldbeallright,anyway,forthetimebeing.GUS.Youthinkso,eh?BEN.Getdressed,willyou?It’llbeanyminutenow.

GUSputsonhiswaistcoat.BENliesdownandlooksupattheceiling.

GUS.Thisissomeplace.Noteaandnobiscuits.BEN.Eatingmakesyoulazy,mate.You’regettinglazy,youknowthat?Youdon’t

wanttogetslackonyourjob.GUS.Whome?BEN.Slack,mate,slack.GUS.Whome?Slack?BEN.Haveyoucheckedyourgun?Youhaven’tevencheckedyourgun.Itlooks

disgraceful,anyway.Whydon’tyoueverpolishit?

GUS rubs his revolver on the sheet. BEN takes out a pocket mirror andstraightenshistie.

GUS.Iwonderwherethecookis.Theymusthavehadafew,tocopewiththat.Maybe theyhad a fewmoregas stoves.Eh!Maybe there’s anotherkitchenalongthepassage.

BEN. Of course there is! Do you know what it takes to make an OrmithaMacarounada?

GUS.No,what?BEN.AnOrmitha–!Buckyourideasup,willyou?GUS.Takesafewcooks,eh?

GUSputshisrevolverinitsholster.

Thesoonerwe’reoutofthisplacethebetter.

Heputsonhisjacket.

Whydoesn’theget in touch?I feel likeI’vebeenhereyears. (Hetakeshisrevolver out of its holster to check the ammunition.)We’ve never let himdownthough,havewe?We’venever lethimdown.Iwas thinkingonly theotherday,Ben.We’rereliable,aren’twe?

Heputshisrevolverbackinitsholster.

Still,I’llbegladwhenit’sovertonight.

Hebrusheshisjacket.

Ihopethebloke’snotgoingtogetexcitedtonight,oranything.I’mfeelingabitoff.I’vegotasplittingheadache.

Silence.Theboxdescends.BENjumpsup.GUScollectsthenote.

(Reading.)OneBambooShoots,WaterChestnutsandChicken.OneCharSiuandBeansprouts.

BEN.Beansprouts?GUS.Yes.BEN.Blimey.GUS.Iwouldn’tknowwheretobegin.

Helooksbackatthebox.Thepacketofteaisinsideit.Hepicksitup.

They’vesentbackthetea.BEN(anxious).What’dtheydothatfor?

GUS.Maybeitisn’ttea-time.

Theboxgoesup.Silence.

BEN(throwingtheteaonthebed,andspeakingurgently).Lookhere.We’dbettertellthem.

GUS.Tellthemwhat?BEN.Thatwecan’tdoit,wehaven’tgotit.GUS.Allrightthen.BEN.Lendusyourpencil.We’llwriteanote.

GUS, turning for a pencil, suddenly discovers the speaking-tube , whichhangsontherightwallofthehatchfacinghisbed.

GUS.What’sthis?BEN.What?GUS.This.BEN(examiningit).This?It’saspeaking-tube.GUS.Howlonghasthatbeenthere?BEN.Justthejob.Weshouldhaveuseditbefore,insteadofshoutingupthere.GUS.FunnyInevernoticeditbefore.BEN.Well,comeon.GUS.Whatdoyoudo?BEN.Seethat?That’sawhistle.GUS.What,this?BEN.Yes,takeitout.Pullitout.

GUSdoesso.

That’sit.GUS.Whatdowedonow?BEN.Blowintoit.GUS.Blow?BEN.Itwhistlesupthereifyoublow.Thentheyknowyouwanttospeak.Blow.GUSblows.Silence.

GUS(tubeatmouth).Ican’thearathing.BEN.Nowyouspeak!Speakintoit!GUSlooksatBEN,thenspeaksintothetube.

GUS.Thelarder’sbare!

BEN.Givemethat!

Hegrabsthetubeandputsittohismouth.

(Speakingwithgreatdeference.)Goodevening.I’msorryto–botheryou,butwe just thoughtwe’dbetter letyouknowthatwehaven’tgotanything left.Wesentupallwehad.There’snomorefooddownhere.

Hebringsthetubeslowlytohisear.

What?

Tomouth.

What?

Toear.Helistens.Tomouth.

No,allwehadwesentup.

Toear.Helistens.Tomouth.

Oh,I’mverysorrytohearthat.

Toear.Helistens.ToGUS.

TheEcclescakewasstale.

Helistens.ToGUS.

Thechocolatewasmelted.

Helistens.ToGUS.

Themilkwassour.GUS.Whataboutthecrisps?BEN(listening).Thebiscuitsweremouldy.

HeglaresatGUS.Tubetomouth.

Well,we’reverysorryaboutthat.

Tubetoear.

What?

Tomouth.

What?

Toear.

Yes.Yes.

Tomouth.

Yescertainly.Certainly.Rightaway.

Toear.Thevoicehasceased.Hehangsupthetube.

(Excitedly).Didyouhearthat?GUS.What?BEN.Youknowwhathesaid?Light thekettle!Notputon thekettle!Not light

thegas!Butlightthekettle!GUS.Howcanwelightthekettle?BEN.Whatdoyoumean?GUS.There’snogas.BEN(clappinghandtohead).Nowwhatdowedo?GUS.Whatdidhewantustolightthekettlefor?BEN.Fortea.Hewantedacupoftea.GUS.Hewantedacupoftea!Whataboutme?I’vebeenwantingacupofteaall

night!BEN(despairingly).Whatdowedonow?GUS.Whatarewesupposedtodrink?

BENsitsonhisbed,staring.

Whataboutus?

BENsits.

I’mthirstytoo.I’mstarving.Andhewantsacupoftea.Thatbeatstheband,thatdoes.

BENletshisheadsinkontohischest.

Icoulddowithabitofsustenancemyself.Whataboutyou?Youlookas ifyoucoulddowithsomethingtoo.

GUSsitsonhisbed.

Wesendhimupallwe’vegotandhe’snotsatisfied.No,honest,it’senoughtomakethecatlaugh.Whydidyousendhimupallthatstuff?(Thoughtfully.)WhydidIsenditup?

Pause.

Who knowswhat he’s got upstairs?He’s probably got a salad bowl. Theymusthave somethingup there.Theywon’t getmuch fromdownhere.Younoticetheydidn’taskforanysalads?They’veprobablygotasaladbowlupthere.Coldmeat,radishes,cucumbers.Watercress.Rollmops.

Pause.

Hardboiledeggs.

Pause.

Thelot.They’veprobablygotacrateofbeertoo.Probablyeatingmycrispswithapintofbeernow.Didn’thaveanythingtosayaboutthosecrisps,didhe? They do all right, don’tworry about that. You don’t think they’re justgoing to sit there andwait for stuff to come up from down here, do you?That’llgetthemnowhere.

Pause.

Theydoallright.

Pause.

Andhewantsacupoftea.

Pause.

That’spastajoke,inmyopinion.

HelooksoveratBEN,rises,andgoestohim.

What’s thematterwithyou?Youdon’t look toobright. I feel likeanAlka-Seltzermyself.

BENsitsup.

BEN(inalowvoice).Time’sgettingon.GUS.Iknow.Idon’tlikedoingajobonanemptystomach.BEN(wearily).Bequietaminute.Letmegiveyouyourinstructions.GUS.Whatfor?Wealwaysdoitthesameway,don’twe?BEN.Letmegiveyouyourinstructions.

GUSsighsandsitsnext toBENon thebed.The instructionsarestatedandrepeatedautomatically.

Whenwegetthecall,yougooverandstandbehindthedoor.GUS.Standbehindthedoor.BEN.Ifthere’saknockonthedooryoudon’tanswerit.GUS.Ifthere’saknockonthedoorIdon’tanswerit.BEN.Buttherewon’tbeaknockonthedoor.GUS.SoIwon’tanswerit.BEN.Whentheblokecomesin–GUS.Whentheblokecomesin–BEN.Shutthedoorbehindhim.GUS.Shutthedoorbehindhim.BEN.Withoutdivulgingyourpresence.GUS.Withoutdivulgingmypresence.BEN.He’llseemeandcometowardsme.GUS.He’llseeyouandcometowardsyou.BEN.Hewon’tseeyou.GUS(absently).Eh?BEN.Hewon’tseeyou.GUS.Hewon’tseeme.BEN.Buthe’llseeme.GUS.He’llseeyou.BEN.Hewon’tknowyou’rethere.GUS.Hewon’tknowyou’rethere.BEN.Hewon’tknowyou’rethere.GUS.Hewon’tknowI’mthere.BEN.Itakeoutmygun.GUS.Youtakeoutyourgun.BEN.Hestopsinhistracks.GUS.Hestopsinhistracks.BEN.Ifheturnsround–GUS.Ifheturnsround–BEN.You’rethere.GUS.I’mhere.

BENfrownsandpresseshisforehead.

You’vemissedsomethingout.BEN.Iknow.What?GUS.Ihaven’ttakenmygunout,accordingtoyou.

BEN.Youtakeyourgunout–GUS.AfterI’veclosedthedoor.BEN.Afteryou’veclosedthedoor.GUS.You’venevermissedthatoutbefore,youknowthat?BEN.Whenheseesyoubehindhim–GUS.Mebehindhim–BEN.Andmeinfrontofhim–GUS.Andyouinfrontofhim–BEN.He’llfeeluncertain–GUS.Uneasy.BEN.Hewon’tknowwhattodo.GUS.Sowhatwillhedo?BEN.He’lllookatmeandhe’lllookatyou.GUS.Wewon’tsayaword.BEN.We’lllookathim.GUS.Hewon’tsayaword.BEN.He’lllookatus.GUS.Andwe’lllookathim.BEN.Nobodysaysaword.

Pause.

GUS.Whatdowedoifit’sagirl?BEN.Wedothesame.GUS.Exactlythesame?BEN.Exactly.

Pause.

GUS.Wedon’tdoanythingdifferent?BEN.Wedoexactlythesame.GUS.Oh.

GUSrises,andshivers.

Excuseme.

Heexitsthroughthedoorontheleft.BENremainssittingonthebed,still.Thelavatorychainispulledonceoffleft,butthelavatorydoesnotflush.Silence.GUSre-entersandstops insidethedoor,deepin thought.HelooksatBEN,

then walks slowly across to his own bed. He is troubled. He stands,thinking.HeturnsandlooksatBEN.Hemovesafewpacestowardshim.

(Slowlyinalow,tensevoice.)Whydidhesendusmatchesifheknewtherewasnogas?

Silence.BENstaresinfrontofhim.GUScrossestotheleftsideofBEN,tothefootofhisbed,togettohisotherear.

Ben.Whydidhesendusmatchesifheknewtherewasnogas?

BENlooksup.

Whydidhedothat?BEN.Who?GUS.Whosentusthosematches?BEN.Whatareyoutalkingabout?

GUSstaresdownathim.

GUS(thickly).Whoisitupstairs?BEN(nervously).What’sonethingtodowithanother?GUS.Whoisit,though?BEN.What’sonethingtodowithanother?

BENfumblesforhispaperonthebed.

GUS.Iaskedyouaquestion.BEN.Enough!GUS(withgrowingagitation). Iaskedyoubefore.Whomovedin?Iaskedyou.

Yousaidthepeoplewhohaditbeforemovedout.Well,whomovedin?BEN(hunched).Shutup.GUS.Itoldyou,didn’tI?BEN(standing).Shutup!GUS(feverishly).Itoldyoubeforewhoownedthisplace,didn’tI?Itoldyou.

BENhitshimviciouslyontheshoulder.

Itoldyouwhoranthisplace,didn’tI?

BENhitshimviciouslyontheshoulder.

(Violently.)Well,what’sheplayingallthesegamesfor?That’swhatIwanttoknow.What’shedoingitfor?

BEN.Whatgames?GUS(passionately,advancing).What’shedoingitfor?We’vebeenthroughour

tests,haven’twe?Wegot right throughour tests,yearsago,didn’twe?Wetookthemtogether,don’tyouremember,didn’twe?We’veprovedourselvesbeforenow,haven’twe?We’vealwaysdoneourjob.What’shedoingallthisfor?What’stheidea?What’sheplayingthesegamesfor?

The box in the shaft comes down behind them. The noise is this timeaccompaniedbyashrillwhistle,as it falls.GUS rushes to the hatch andseizesthenote.

(Reading.)Scampi!

Hecrumples thenote,picksup the tube, takesout thewhistle, blows andspeaks.

WE’VEGOTNOTHINGLEFT!NOTHING!DOYOUUNDERSTAND?

BENseizesthetubeandflingsGUSaway.HefollowsGUSandslapshimhard,back-handed,acrossthechest.

BEN.Stopit!Youmaniac!GUS.Butyouheard!BEN(savagely).That’senough!I’mwarningyou!

Silence.BENhangsthetube.Hegoestohisbedandliesdown.Hepicksuphispaperandreads.Silence.Theboxgoesup.Theyturnquickly,theireyesmeet.BENturnstohispaper.SlowlyGUSgoesbacktohisbed,andsits.Silence.Thehatchfallsbackintoplace.Theyturnquickly,theireyesmeet.BENturnsbacktohispaper.Silence.BENthrowshispaperdown.

BEN.Kaw!

Hepicksupthepaperandlooksatit.

Listentothis!

Pause.

Whataboutthat,eh?

Pause.

Kaw!

Pause.

Haveyoueverheardsuchathing?GUS(dully).Goon!BEN.It’strue.GUS.Getaway.BEN.It’sdownhereinblackandwhite.GUS(verylow).Isthatafact?BEN.Canyouimagineit.GUS.It’sunbelievable.BEN.It’senoughtomakeyouwanttopuke,isn’tit?GUS(almostinaudible).Incredible.

BEN shakes his head. He puts the paper down and rises. He fixes therevolverinhisholster.GUSstandsup.Hegoestowardsthedoorontheleft.

BEN.Whereareyougoing?GUS.I’mgoingtohaveaglassofwater.

He exits. BEN brushes dust off his clothes and shoes. The whistle in thespeaking-tubeblows.Hegoestoit,takesthewhistleoutandputsthetubetohisear.Helistens.Heputsittohismouth.

BEN.Yes.

Toear.Helistens.Tomouth.

Straightaway.Right.

Toear.Helistens.Tomouth.

Surewe’reready.

Toear.Helistens.Tomouth.

Understood.Repeat.Hehasarrivedandwillbecominginstraightaway.Thenormalmethodtobeemployed.Understood.

Toear.Helistens.Tomouth.

Surewe’reready.

Toear.Helistens.Tomouth.

Right.

Hehangsthetubeup.

Gus!

Hetakesoutacombandcombshishair,adjustshis jacket todiminish thebulgeoftherevolver.The lavatory flushesoff left.BENgoesquickly to thedoor,left.

Gus!

Thedoorrightopenssharply.BENturns,hisrevolverlevelledatthedoor.GUSstumblesin.Heisstrippedofhisjacket,waistcoat,tie,holsterandrevolver.Hestops,bodystooping,hisarmsathissides.HeraiseshisheadandlooksatBEN.Alongsilence.Theystareateachother.

Curtain

ASLIGHTACHE

ASlightAchewas firstpreformedon theBBCThirdProgrammeon9thJuly1959,withthefollowingcast:

EDWARD MauriceDenham FLORA VivienMerchant

DirectedbyDonaldMcWhinnie

ItwaspresentedbyMichaelCodronattheArtsTheatre,London,on18thJanuary1961,andsubsequentlyattheCriterionTheatre,withthefollowingcast:

EDWARD EmlynWilliams FLORA AlisonLeggat MATCHSELLER RichardBriers

DirectedbyDonaldMcWhinnie

It was produced at the YoungVic in June 1987with the followingcast:

EDWARD BarryFoster FLORA JillJohnson MATCHSELLER MalcolmWard

DirectedbyKevinBillington

ASLIGHTACHE

Acountryhouse,withtwochairsandatablelaidforbreakfastatthecentreofthestage.Thesewilllaterberemovedandtheactionwillbe focused on the scullery on the right and the study on the left,bothindicatedwithaminimumofsceneryandprops.Alargewellkeptgardenissuggestedatthebackofthestagewithflowerbeds,trimmedhedges,etc.Thegardengate,whichcannotbeseenbytheaudience,isoffright.

FLORAandEDWARDarediscoveredsittingatthebreakfasttable.EDWARDisreadingthepaper.

FLORA:Haveyounoticedthehoneysucklethismorning?EDWARD:Thewhat?FLORA:Thehoneysuckle.EDWARD:Honeysuckle?Where?FLORA:Bythebackgate,Edward.EDWARD:Isthathoneysuckle?Ithoughtitwas…convolvulus,orsomething.FLORA:Butyouknowit’shoneysuckle.EDWARD:ItellyouIthoughtitwasconvolvulus.

[Pause.]FLORA:It’sinwonderfulflower.EDWARD:Imustlook.FLORA: The whole garden’s in flower this morning. The clematis. The

convolvulus.Everything.Iwasoutatseven.Istoodbythepool.EDWARD:Didyousay—thattheconvolvuluswasinflower?FLORA:Yes.EDWARD:ButgoodGod,youjustdeniedtherewasany.FLORA:Iwastalkingaboutthehoneysuckle.EDWARD:Aboutthewhat?FLORA[calmly]:Edward—youknowthatshruboutsidethetoolshed…EDWARD:Yes,yes.FLORA:That’sconvolvulus.

EDWARD:That?FLORA:Yes.EDWARD:Oh.

[Pause.]Ithoughtitwasjaponica.

FLORA:Oh,goodLordno.EDWARD:Passtheteapot,please.

Pause.Shepoursteaforhim.

Idon’tseewhyIshouldbeexpectedtodistinguishbetweentheseplants.It’snotmyjob.

FLORA:Youknowperfectlywellwhatgrowsinyourgarden.EDWARD:Quitethecontrary.ItisclearthatIdon’t.

[Pause.]FLORA[rising]:Iwasupatseven.Istoodbythepool.Thepeace.Andeverything

inflower.Thesunwasup.Youshouldworkinthegardenthismorning.Wecouldputupthecanopy.

EDWARD:Thecanopy?Whatfor?FLORA:Toshadeyoufromthesun.EDWARD:Isthereabreeze?FLORA:Alightone.EDWARD:It’sverytreacherousweather,youknow.

[Pause.]FLORA:Doyouknowwhattodayis?EDWARD:Saturday.FLORA:It’sthelongestdayoftheyear.EDWARD:Really?FLORA:It’stheheightofsummertoday.EDWARD:Coverthemarmalade.FLORA:What?EDWARD:Coverthepot.There’sawasp.[Heputsthepaperdownonthetable.]

Don’tmove.Keepstill.Whatareyoudoing?FLORA:Coveringthepot.EDWARD:Don’tmove.Leaveit.Keepstill.

[Pause.]Givemethe‘Telegraph’.

FLORA:Don’thitit.It’llbite.

EDWARD:Bite?Whatdoyoumean,bite?Keepstill.[Pause.]It’slanding.

FLORA:It’sgoinginthepot.EDWARD:Givemethelid.FLORA:It’sin.EDWARD:Givemethelid.FLORA:I’lldoit.EDWARD:Giveittome!Now…Slowly…FLORA:Whatareyoudoing?EDWARD: Be quiet. Slowly… carefully… on… the… pot! Ha-ha-ha. Very

good.

Hesitsonachairtotherightofthetable.

FLORA:Nowhe’sinthemarmalade.EDWARD:Precisely.

Pause.Shesitsonachairtotheleftofthetableandreadsthe‘Telegraph’.

FLORA:Canyouhearhim?EDWARD:Hearhim?FLORA:Buzzing.EDWARD:Nonsense.Howcanyouhearhim?It’sanearthenwarelid.FLORA:He’sbecomingfrantic.EDWARD:Rubbish.Takeitawayfromthetable.FLORA:WhatshallIdowithit?EDWARD:Putitinthesinkanddrownit.FLORA:It’llflyoutandbiteme.EDWARD: Itwill not bite you!Wasps don’t bite.Anyway, itwon’t fly out. It’s

stuck.It’lldrownwhereitis,inthemarmalade.FLORA:Whatahorribledeath.EDWARD:Onthecontrary.

[Pause.]FLORA:Haveyougotsomethinginyoureyes?EDWARD:No.Whydoyouask?FLORA:Youkeepclenchingthem,blinkingthem.EDWARD:Ihaveaslightacheinthem.FLORA:Oh,dear.

EDWARD:Yes,aslightache.AsifIhadn’tslept.FLORA:Didyousleep,Edward?EDWARD:OfcourseIslept.Uninterrupted.Asalways.FLORA:Andyetyoufeeltired.EDWARD:Ididn’tsayIfelttired.ImerelysaidIhadaslightacheinmyeyes.FLORA:Whyisthat,then?EDWARD:Ireallydon’tknow.

[Pause.]FLORA:Ohgoodness!EDWARD:Whatisit?FLORA:Icanseeit.It’stryingtocomeout.EDWARD:Howcanit?FLORA:Throughthehole.It’stryingtocrawlout,throughthespoon-hole.EDWARD:Mmmnn,yes.Can’tdoit,ofcourse.[Silentpause.]Well,let’skillit,for

goodness’sake.FLORA:Yes,let’s.Buthow?EDWARD:Bringitoutonthespoonandsquashitonaplate.FLORA:It’llflyaway.It’llbite.EDWARD:Ifyoudon’tstopsayingthatwordIshallleavethistable.FLORA:Butwaspsdobite.EDWARD:Theydon’tbite.Theysting.It’ssnakes…thatbite.FLORA:Whatabouthorseflies?

[Pause.]EDWARD[tohimself]:Horsefliessuck.

[Pause.]FLORA [tentatively]: Ifwe… ifwewait long enough, I suppose it’ll choke to

death.It’llsuffocateinthemarmalade.EDWARD[briskly]:YoudoknowI’vegotworktodothismorning,don’tyou?I

can’tspendthewholedayworryingaboutawasp.FLORA:Well,killit.EDWARD:Youwanttokillit?FLORA:Yes.EDWARD:Verywell.Passmethehotwaterjug.FLORA:Whatareyougoingtodo?EDWARD:Scaldit.Giveittome.

Shehandshimthejug.Pause.

Now…FLORA[whispering]:Doyouwantmetoliftthelid?EDWARD:No,no,no. I’llpourdownthespoonhole.Right…downthespoon-

hole.FLORA:Listen!EDWARD:What?FLORA:It’sbuzzing.EDWARD:Viciouscreatures.

[Pause.]Curious,butIdon’trememberseeinganywaspsatall,allsummer,untilnow.I’msureIdon’tknowwhy.Imean,theremusthavebeenwasps.

FLORA:Please.EDWARD:Thiscouldn’tbethefirstwasp,couldit?FLORA:Please.EDWARD:Thefirstwaspofsummer?No.It’snotpossible.FLORA:Edward.EDWARD:Mmmmnnn?FLORA:Killit.EDWARD:Ah,yes.Tiltthepot.Tilt.Aah…downhere…rightdown…blinding

him…that’s…it.FLORA:Isit?EDWARD:Lift the lid.All right, Iwill.Therehe is!Dead.Whatamonster. [Hesquashesitonaplate.]

FLORA:Whatanawfulexperience.EDWARD:Whatabeautifuldayitis.Beautiful.IthinkIshallworkinthegarden

thismorning.Where’sthatcanopy?FLORA:It’sintheshed.EDWARD:Yes,wemustgetitout.Mygoodness,justlookatthatsky.Notacloud.

Didyousayitwasthelongestdayoftheyeartoday?FLORA:Yes.EDWARD:Ah, it’sagoodday. I feel it inmybones. Inmymuscles. I think I’ll

stretchmylegsinaminute.Downtothepool.MyGod,lookatthatfloweringshruboverthere.Clematis.Whatawonderful…[Hestopssuddenly.]

FLORA:What?[Pause.]Edward,whatisit?[Pause.]

Edward…EDWARD[thickly]:He’sthere.FLORA:Who?EDWARD[low,murmuring]:Blastanddamnit,he’s there,he’s thereat theback

gate.FLORA:Letmesee.

Shemovesovertohimtolook.Pause.

[Lightly.]Oh,it’sthematchseller.EDWARD:He’sbackagain.FLORA:Buthe’salwaysthere.EDWARD:Why?Whatishedoingthere?FLORA:Buthe’sneverdisturbedyou,hashe?Theman’sbeenstandingtherefor

weeks.You’venevermentionedit.EDWARD:Whatishedoingthere?FLORA:He’ssellingmatches,ofcourse.EDWARD:It’sridiculous.What’sthetime?FLORA:Halfpastnine.EDWARD:WhatinGod’snameishedoingwithatrayfullofmatchesathalfpast

nineinthemorning?FLORA:Hearrivesatseveno’clock.EDWARD:Seveno’clock?FLORA:He’salwaysthereatseven.EDWARD:Yes,butyou’venever…actuallyseenhimarrive?FLORA:No,I…EDWARD:Well,howdoyouknowhe’s…notbeenstandingthereallnight?

[Pause.]FLORA:Doyoufindhiminteresting,Edward?EDWARD[casually]:Interesting?No.No,I…don’tfindhiminteresting.FLORA:He’saveryniceoldman,really.EDWARD:You’vespokentohim?FLORA:No.No,Ihaven’tspokentohim.I’venodded.EDWARD[pacingupanddown]:Fortwomonthshe’sbeenstandingonthatspot,

doyourealizethat?Twomonths.Ihaven’tbeenabletostepoutsidethebackgate.

FLORA:Whyonearthnot?EDWARD [tohimself]: It used togivemegreatpleasure, suchpleasure, to stroll

along through the longgrass, out through thebackgate,pass into the lane.Thatpleasureisnowdeniedme.It’smyownhouse,isn’tit?It’smyowngate.

FLORA:Ireallycan’tunderstandthis,Edward.EDWARD:Damn.AnddoyouknowI’veneverseenhimsellonebox?Notabox.

It’shardlysurprising.He’sonthewrongroad.It’snotaroadatall.Whatisit?It’salane,leadingtothemonastery.Offeverybody’sroute.Eventhemonkstakeashortcuttothevillage,whentheywanttogo…tothevillage.Noonegoesupit.Whydoesn’thestandonthemainroadifhewantstosellmatches,bythefrontgate?Thewholething’spreposterous.

FLORA[goingovertohim]:Idon’tknowwhyyou’regettingsoexcitedaboutit.He’saquiet,harmlessoldman,goingabouthisbusiness.He’squiteharmless.

EDWARD:Ididn’tsayhewasn’tharmless.Ofcoursehe’sharmless.Howcouldhebeotherthanharmless?

Fadeoutandsilence.

FLORA’Svoice,farinthehouse,drawingnearer.

FLORA[off]:Edward,whereareyou?Edward?Whereareyou,Edward?

Sheappears.

Edward?Edward,whatareyoudoinginthescullery?

EDWARD[lookingthroughthescullerywindow]:Doing?FLORA: I’vebeen lookingeverywhere foryou. Iputup the canopyages ago. I

camebackandyouwerenowheretobeseen.Haveyoubeenout?EDWARD:No.FLORA:Wherehaveyoubeen?EDWARD:Here.FLORA:Ilookedinyourstudy.Ievenwentintotheattic.EDWARD[tonelessly]:WhatwouldIbedoingintheattic?FLORA:Icouldn’timaginewhathadhappenedtoyou.Doyouknowit’stwelve

o’clock?EDWARD:Isit?FLORA: I even went to the bottom of the garden, to see if you were in the

toolshed.EDWARD[tonelessly]:WhatwouldIbedoinginthetoolshed?FLORA:Youmusthaveseenmeinthegarden.Youcanseethroughthiswindow.EDWARD:Onlypartofthegarden.

FLORA:Yes.EDWARD:Onlyacornerofthegarden.Averysmallcorner.FLORA:Whatareyoudoinginhere?EDWARD:Nothing.Iwasdiggingoutsomenotes,that’sall.FLORA:Notes?EDWARD:Formyessay.FLORA:Whichessay?EDWARD:Myessayonspaceandtime.FLORA:But…I’venever…Idon’tknowthatone.EDWARD:Youdon’tknowit?FLORA:IthoughtyouwerewritingoneabouttheBelgianCongo.EDWARD:I’vebeenengagedonthedimensionalityandcontinuityofspace…and

time…foryears.FLORA:AndtheBelgianCongo?EDWARD[shortly]:NevermindabouttheBelgianCongo.

[Pause.]FLORA:Butyoudon’tkeepnotesinthescullery.EDWARD:You’dbesurprised.You’dbehighlysurprised.FLORA: Good Lord, what’s that? Is that a bullock let loose? No. It’s the

matchseller!Mygoodness,youcanseehim…throughthehedge.Helooksbigger.Haveyoubeenwatchinghim?Helooks…likeabullock.[Pause.]Edward?[Pause.][Movingovertohim.]Areyoucomingoutside?I’veputupthecanopy.You’llmissthebestoftheday.Youcanhaveanhourbeforelunch.

EDWARD:I’venoworktodothismorning.FLORA:Whataboutyouressay?Youdon’tintendtostayinthesculleryallday,

doyou?EDWARD:Getout.Leavemealone.

[Aslightpause.]FLORA:ReallyEdward.You’veneverspokentomelikethatinallyourlife.EDWARD:Yes,Ihave.FLORA:Oh,Weddie.Beddie-Weddie…EDWARD:Donotcallmethat!FLORA:Youreyesarebloodshot.EDWARD:Damnit.

FLORA:It’stoodarkinheretopeer…EDWARD:Damn.FLORA:It’ssobrightoutside.EDWARD:Damn.FLORA:Andit’sdarkinhere.

[Pause.]EDWARD:Christblastit!FLORA:You’refrightenedofhim.EDWARD:I’mnot.FLORA:You’refrightenedofapooroldman.Why?EDWARD:Iamnot!FLORA:He’sapoor,harmlessoldman.EDWARD:Aaahmyeyes.FLORA:Letmebathethem.EDWARD:Keepaway.

[Pause.][Slowly.]Iwanttospeaktothatman.Iwanttohaveawordwithhim.[Pause.]It’s quite absurd, of course. I really can’t tolerate something so… absurd,rightonmydoorstep.Ishallnottolerateit.He’ssoldnothingallmorning.Noonepassed.Yes.Amonkpassed.Anon-smoker.Inaloosegarment.It’squiteobvioushewasanon-smokerbutstill,themanmadenoeffort.Hemadenoeffort to clinch a sale, to rid himself of one of his cursed boxes. His onechance,allmorning,andhemadenoeffort.[Pause.]I haven’t wasted my time. I’ve hit, in fact, upon the truth. He’s not amatchseller at all. The bastard isn’t a matchseller at all. Curious I neverrealizedthatbefore.He’sanimpostor.Iwatchedhimveryclosely.Hemadeno move towards the monk. As for the monk, the monk made no movetowardshim.Themonkwasmovingalongthelane.Hedidn’tpause,orhalt,orinanywayalterhisstep.Asforthematchseller—howridiculoustogooncallinghimbythattitle.Whatafarce.No,thereissomethingveryfalseaboutthatman.Iintendtogettothebottomofit.I’llsoongetridofhimHecangoand ply his trade somewhere else. Instead of standing like a bullock… abullock,outsidemybackgate.

FLORA:Butifheisn’tamatchseller,whatishistrade?EDWARD:We’llsoonfindout.

FLORA:You’regoingouttospeaktohim?EDWARD:Certainlynot!Goouttohim?Certainly…not.I’llinvitehiminhere.

Intomystudy.Thenwe’ll…gettothebottomofit.FLORA:Whydon’tyoucallthepoliceandhavehimremoved?

Helaughs.Pause.

Why don’t you call the police, Edward? You could say he was a publicnuisance.AlthoughI…Ican’tsayIfindhimanuisance.

EDWARD:Callhimin.FLORA:Me?EDWARD:Gooutandcallhimin.FLORA:Areyouserious?

[Pause.]Edward,Icouldcallthepolice.Oreventhevicar.

EDWARD:Goandgethim.

Shegoesout.Silence.

EDWARDwaits.

FLORA[inthegarden]:Goodmorning.[Pause.]Wehaven’tmet.Iliveinthishousehere.MyhusbandandI.[Pause.]Iwonderifyoucould…wouldyoucareforacupoftea?[Pause.]Oraglassoflemon?Itmustbesodry,standinghere.[Pause.]Would you like to come inside for a littlewhile? It’smuch cooler. There’ssomethingwe’dverymuch like to… tell you, thatwill benefit you.Couldyouspareafewmoments?Wewon’tkeepyoulong.[Pause.]MightIbuyyourtrayofmatches,doyouthink?We’verunout,completely,andwealwayskeepaverylargestock.Ithappensthatway,doesn’tit?Well,wecandiscussitinside.Docome.Thisway.Ahnow,docome.Ourhouseisfull of curios, you know. My husband’s been rather a collector. We havegooseforlunch.Doyoucareforgoose?

Shemovestothegate.

Come and have lunchwith us. Thisway. That’s… right.May I take yourarm? There’s a good deal of nettle inside the gate. [The MATCHSELLERappears.] Here. This way. Mind now. Isn’t it beautiful weather? It’s thelongestdayoftheyeartoday.[Pause.]That’s honeysuckle. And that’s convolvulus. There’s clematis. And do youseethatplantbytheconservatory?That’sjaponica.

Silence.Sheentersthestudy.

FLORA:He’shere.EDWARD:Iknow.FLORA:He’sinthehall.EDWARD:Iknowhe’shere.Icansmellhim.FLORA:Smellhim?EDWARD: I smelt him when he came under my window. Can’t you smell the

housenow?FLORA:Whatareyougoingtodowithhim,Edward?Youwon’tberoughwith

himinanyway?He’sveryold.I’mnotsureifhecanhear,orevensee.Andhe’swearingtheoldest—

EDWARD:Idon’twanttoknowwhathe’swearing.FLORA:Butyou’llseeforyourselfinaminute,ifyouspeaktohim.EDWARD:Ishall.

[Slightpause.]FLORA:He’sanoldman.Youwon’t…beroughwithhim?EDWARD:Ifhe’ssoold,whydoesn’theseekshelter…fromthestorm?FLORA:Butthere’snostorm.It’ssummer,thelongestday…EDWARD: There was a storm, last week. A summer storm. He stood without

moving,whileitragedabouthim.FLORA:Whenwasthis?EDWARD:Heremainedquitestill,whileitthunderedallabouthim.

[Pause.]FLORA:Edward…areyousureit’swisetobotheraboutallthis?EDWARD:Tellhimtocomein.FLORA:I…EDWARD:Now.

ShegoesandcollectstheMATCHSELLER.

FLORA:Hullo.Wouldyouliketogoin?Iwon’tbelong.Upthesestairshere.[Pause.]Youcanhavesomesherrybeforelunch.[Pause.]ShallItakeyourtray?No.Verywell,takeitwithyou.Just…upthosestairs.Thedooratthe…[Shewatcheshimmove.]thedoor…[Pause.]thedooratthetop.I’lljoinyou…later.[Shegoesout.]

TheMATCHSELLERstandsonthethresholdofthestudy.

EDWARD[cheerfully]:HereIam.Whereareyou?[Pause.]Don’tstandoutthere,oldchap.Comeintomystudy.[Herises.]Comein.

TheMATCHSELLERenters.

That’sright.Mindhowyougo.That’s…it.Now.makeyourselfcomfortable.Thoughtyoumight likesomerefreshment,onaday like this.Sitdown,oldman.Whatwillyouhave?Sherry?Orwhataboutadoublescotch?Eh?[Pause.]Ientertain thevillagersannually,asamatteroffact. I’mnot thesquire,buttheylookuponmewithsomeregard.Don’tbelievewe’vegotasquirehereanymore,actually.Don’tknowwhatbecameofhim.Niceoldmanhewas.Greatchess-player,asIremember.Threedaughters.Theprideofthecounty.Flamingredhair.Alicewastheeldest.Sityourselfdown,oldchap.EuniceIthinkwasnumber two.The youngest onewas the best of the bunch. Sally.No,no,waitaminute,no,itwasn’tSally,itwas…Fanny.Fanny.Aflower.Youmust be a stranger here. Unless you lived here once, went on a longvoyageandhavelatelyreturned.Doyouknowthedistrict?[Pause.]Now, now, you mustn’t … stand about like that. Take a seat. Which onewould you prefer? We have a great variety, as you see. Can’t standuniformity. Like different seats, different backs. Often when I’m working,you know, I draw up one chair, scribble a few lines, put it by, draw up

another,sitback,ponder,putitby…[absently]…sitback…putitby…[Pause.]Iwritetheologicalandphilosophicalessays…[Pause.]NowandagainIjotdownafewobservationsoncertaintropicalphenomena—notfromthesamestandpoint,ofcourse.[Silentpause.]Yes.Africa,now.Africa’salwaysbeenmyhappyhuntingground.Fascinatingcountry.Doyouknowit?Igettheimpressionthatyou’ve…beenaroundabit.Doyoubyanychanceknow theMembunzaMountains?Great rangesouthofKatambaloo.FrenchEquatorialAfrica,ifmymemoryservesmeright.Mostextraordinarydiversityoffloraandfauna.Especiallyfauna,IunderstandintheGobiDesertyou can come across some very strange sights. Never been there myself.Studiedthemapsthough.Fascinatingthings,maps.[Pause.]Do you live in the village? I don’t often go down, of course. Or are youpassingthrough?Onyourwaytoanotherpartofthecountry?Well,Icantellyou,inmyopinionyouwon’tfindmanyprettierpartsthanhere.Wewinthefirstprizeregularly,youknow,thebestkeptvillageinthearea.Sitdown.[Pause.]Isay,canyouhearme?[Pause.]Isaid,Isay,canyouhearme?[Pause.]You possessmost extraordinary repose, for aman of your age, don’t you?Well,perhapsthat’snotquitetherightword…repose.Doyoufinditchillyinhere?I’msureit’schillier inherethanout.Ihaven’tbeenoutyet, today,though I shall probably spend thewhole afternoonworking, in the garden,undermycanopy,atmytable,bythepool.[Pause.]Oh, I understand you met my wife? Charming woman, don’t you think?Plentyofgritthere,too.Stoodbymethroughthickandthin,thatwoman.Inseasonandoutofseason.Finefigureofawomanshewas,too,inheryouth.Wonderfulcarriage,flamingredhair.[Hestopsabruptly.][Pause.]Yes,I…Iwasinmuchthesamepositionmyself thenasyouarenow,youunderstand.Strugglingtomakemywayintheworld.Iwasincommercetoo.[Withachuckle.]Oh,yes,Iknowwhatit’slike—theweather,therain,beaten

frompillartopost,uphillanddowndale…therewardswerefew…wintersinhovels…uptillallhoursworkingatyourthesis…yes,I’vedoneitall.Letmeadviseyou.Getagoodwomantostickbyyou.Nevermindwhattheworldsays.Keepatit.Keepyourshouldertothewheel.It’llpaydividends.

Pause.

[Witha laugh.]Youmust excusemy chatting away like this.We have fewvisitorsthistimeoftheyear.Allourfriendssummerabroad.I’mahomebirdmyself.Wouldn’tmind takinga trip toAsiaMinor,mindyou,or tocertainlowerregionsoftheCongo,butEurope?Outofthequestion.Muchtoonoisy.I’msureyouagree.Nowlook,whatwillyouhavetodrink?Aglassofale?Curaçao Fockink Orange? Ginger beer? Tia Maria? A WachenheimerFuchsmantelReislingBeerenAuslese?Ginandit?Chateauneuf-du-Pape?Alittle Asti Spumante? Or what do you say to a straightforward PiesporterGoldtropfschenFeineAuslese(ReichsgrafvonKesselstaff)?Anypreference?[Pause.]Youlookatriflewarm.Whydon’tyoutakeoffyourbalaclava?I’dfindthatalittleitchymyself.ButthenI’vealwaysbeenoneforfreedomofmovement.EveninthedepthofwinterIwearnexttonothing.[Pause.]Isay,canIaskyouapersonalquestion?Idon’twanttoseeminquisitivebutaren’tyouratheronthewrongroadformatchselling?Notterriblybusy,isit?Ofcourseyoumaynotcareforpetrolfumesorthenoiseoftraffic.Icanquiteunderstandthat.[Pause.]Doforgivemepeeringbutisthataglasseyeyou’rewearing?[Pause.]Dotakeoffyourbalaclava,there’sagoodchap,putyourtraydownandtakeyour ease, as they say in this part of theworld. [Hemoves towards him.] Imustsayyoukeepquiteagoodstock,don’tyou?Tellme,betweenourselves,arethoseboxesfull,oraretherejustafewhalf-emptyonesamongthem?Ohyes, I used to be in commerce.Well now, before the good lady sounds thegongforpetitdéjeunerwillyoujoinmeinanapéritif?Irecommendaglassof cider.Now… just aminute… Iknow I’vegot some—Lookout!Mindyourtray!

Thetrayfalls,andthematchboxes.

GoodGod,what…?[Pause.]You’vedroppedyourtray.

Pause.Hepicksthematchboxesup.

[Grunts.]Eh,theseboxesareallwetYou’venorighttosellwetmatches,youknow.Uuuuugggh.Thisfeelssuspiciouslylikefungus.Youwon’tgetveryfarinthistradeifyoudon’ttakecareofyourgoods.[Grunts,rising.]Well,hereyouare.[Pause.]Here’syourtray.

HeputsthetrayintotheMATCHSELLER’Shands,andsits.Pause.

Nowlisten,letmebequitefrankwithyou,shallI?Ireallycannotunderstandwhy you don’t sit down. There are four chairs at your disposal. Not tomentionthehassock.Ican’tpossiblytalktoyouunlessyou’resettled.Thenand only then can I speak to you. Do you follow me? You’re not beingterriblyhelpful.[Slightpause.]You’resweating.Thesweat’spouringoutofyou.Takeoffthatbalaclava.[Pause.]Go into the corner then. Into the corner. Go on. Get into the shade of thecorner.Back.Backward.[Pause.]Getback![Pause.]Ah,youunderstandme.Forgivemeforsayingso,butIhaddecidedthatyouhad the comprehension of a bullock. I was mistaken. You understand meperfectly well. That’s right. A little more. A little to the right. Aaah. Nowyou’rethere.Inshade,inshadow.Good-o.NowIcangetdowntobrasstacks.Can’tI?[Pause.]Nodoubtyou’rewonderingwhyIinvitedyouintothishouse?YoumaythinkIwasalarmedby the lookofyou.Youwouldbequitemistaken. Iwasnotalarmed by the look of you. I did not find you at all alarming. No, no.Nothing outside this room has ever alarmed me. You disgusted me, quiteforcibly,ifyouwanttoknowthetruth.

[Pause.]Whydidyoudisgustmetothatextent?Thatseemstobeapertinentquestion.You’re no more disgusting than Fanny, the squire’s daughter, after all. Inappearanceyoudifferbutnotinessence.There’sthesame…[Pause.]Thesame…[Pause.][Inalowvoice.]Iwanttoaskyouaquestion.Whydoyoustandoutsidemybackgate,fromdawntilldusk,whydoyoupretendtosellmatches,why…?What is it, damn you.You’re shivering.You’re sagging.Come here, comehere…mind your tray! [EDWARD rises andmoves behind a chair.] Come,quickquick.There.Sithere.Sit…sitinthis.

TheMATCHSELLERstumblesandsits.Pause.

Aaaah!You’resat.At last.Whatarelief.Youmustbe tired. [Slightpause.]Chair comfortable? I bought it in a sale. I bought all the furniture in thishouseinasale.Thesamesale.WhenIwasayoungman.Youtoo,perhaps.Youtoo,perhaps.[Pause.]Atthesametime,perhaps![Pause.][Muttering.]Imustgetsomeair.Imustgetabreathofair.

Hegoestothedoor.

Flora!FLORA:Yes?EDWARD[withgreatweariness]:Takemeintothegarden.

Silence.Theymovefromthestudydoortoachairunderacanopy.

FLORA:Comeunderthecanopy.EDWARD:Ah.[Hesits.]

[Pause.]Thepeace.Thepeaceouthere.

FLORA:Lookatourtrees.EDWARD:Yes.FLORA:Ourowntrees.Canyouhearthebirds?EDWARD:No,Ican’thearthem.FLORA:Butthey’resinging,highup,andflapping.

EDWARD:Good.Letthemflap.FLORA:ShallIbringyourlunchouthere?Youcanhaveitinpeace,andaquiet

drink,underyourcanopy.[Pause.]Howareyougettingonwithyouroldman?

EDWARD:Whatdoyoumean?FLORA:What’shappening?Howareyougettingonwithhim?EDWARD: Very well. We get on remarkably well. He’s a little … reticent.

Somewhatwithdrawn.It’sunderstandable.Ishouldbethesame,perhaps,inhisplace.Though,ofcourse,Icouldnotpossiblyfindmyselfinhisplace.

FLORA:Haveyoufoundoutanythingabouthim?EDWARD: A little. A little. He’s had various trades, that’s certain. His place of

residence is unsure. He’s … he’s not a drinking man. As yet, I haven’tdiscoveredthereasonforhisarrivalhere.Ishallinduecourse…bynightfall.

FLORA:Isitnecessary?EDWARD:Necessary?FLORA[quicklysittingontherightarmofthechair]:Icouldshowhimoutnow,

itwouldn’tmatter.You’veseenhim,he’sharmless,unfortunate…old,that’sall. Edward— listen—he’s not here through any… design, or anything, Iknow it. I mean, he might just as well stand outside our back gate asanywhereelse.He’llmoveon.Ican…makehim.Ipromiseyou.There’snopoint in upsetting yourself like this.He’s an oldman,weak in the head…that’sall.[Pause.]

EDWARD:You’redeluded.FLORA:Edward—EDWARD[rising]:You’redeluded.AndstopcallingmeEdward.FLORA:You’renotstillfrightenedofhim?EDWARD:Frightenedofhim?Ofhim?Haveyouseenhim?

[Pause.]He’s like jelly.Agreatbullockfatof jelly.Hecan’tseestraight. I thinkasamatteroffacthewearsaglasseye.He’salmoststonedeaf…almost…notquite. He’s very nearly dead on his feet.Why should he frightenme?No,you’re awoman, youknownothing. [Slightpause.]But he possesses otherfaculties.Cunning.Theman’sanimposterandheknowsIknowit.

FLORA:I’lltellyouwhat.Look.Letmespeaktohim.I’llspeaktohim.EDWARD[quietly]:AndIknowheknowsIknowit.

FLORA:I’llfindoutallabouthim,Edward.IpromiseyouIwill.EDWARD:AndheknowsIknow.FLORA:Edward!Listentome!Icanfindoutallabouthim,Ipromiseyou.Ishall

goandhaveawordwithhimnow.Ishall…gettothebottomofit.EDWARD:You?It’slaughable.FLORA: You’ll see—he won’t bargain for me. I’ll surprise him. He’ll… he’ll

admiteverything.EDWARD[softly]:He’lladmiteverything,willhe?FLORA:Youwaitandsee,youjust—EDWARD[hissing]:Whatareyouplotting?FLORA:IknowexactlywhatIshall—EDWARD:Whatareyouplotting?

Heseizesherarms.

FLORA:Edward,you’rehurtingme![Pause.][Withdignity.]IshallwavefromthewindowwhenI’mready.Thenyoucancomeup.Ishallgettothetruthofit,Iassureyou.You’remuchtooheavy-handed,ineveryway.Youshouldtrustyourwifemore,Edward.Youshouldtrustherjudgment,andhaveagreaterinsightintohercapabilities.Awoman…awomanwilloftensucceed,youknow,whereamanmustinvariablyfail.

Silence.Shegoesintothestudy.

DoyoumindifIcomein?

Thedoorcloses.

Areyoucomfortable?[Pause.]Oh,thesun’sshiningdirectlyonyou.Wouldn’tyourathersitintheshade?

Shesitsdown.

It’s the longestdayof theyear today,didyouknowthat?Actually theyearhasflown.IcanrememberChristmasandthatdreadfulfrost.Andthefloods!I hope youweren’t here in the floods.Wewere out of danger up here, ofcourse, but in the valleys whole families I remember drifted away on thecurrent.The countrywas a lake.Everything stopped.We livedonour ownpreserves,drankelderberrywine,studiedothercultures.[Pause.]

Do you know, I’ve got a feeling I’ve seen you before, somewhere. Longbeforetheflood.Youweremuchyounger.Yes,I’mreallysureofit.Betweenourselves,wereyoueverapoacher?Ihadanencounterwithapoacheronce.It was a ghastly rape, the brute. High up on a hillside cattle track. Earlyspring. Iwas out riding onmy pony.And there on the verge aman lay—ostensibly injured, lying on his front, I remember, possibly the victim of amurderousassault,howwasItoknow?Idismounted,Iwenttohim,herose,Ifell,myponytookoff,downtothevalley.Isawtheskythroughthetrees,blue.Uptomyearsinmud.Itwasadesperatebattle.[Pause.]Ilost.[Pause.]Of course, life was perilous in those days. It was my first canterunchaperoned.[Pause.]Years later,when Iwas a Justice of thePeace for the county, I hadhim infrontof thebench.Hewasthereforpoaching.That’showIknowhewasapoacher. The evidence though was sparse, inadmissible, I acquitted him,lettinghimoffwithacaution.He’dgrownaredbeard,Iremember.Yes.Abitofastinker.[Pause.]I say, you are perspiring, aren’t you? Shall I mop your brow? With mychiffon?Isittheheat?Orthecloseness?Orconfinedspace?Or…?[Shegoesover to him.]Actually, the day is cooling. It’ll soon be dusk. Perhaps it isdusk.MayI?Youdon’tmind?[Pause.Shemopshisbrow.]Ah, there, that’sbetter.Andyourcheeks. It is awoman’s job, isn’t it?AndI’mtheonlywomanonhand.There.

Pause.Sheleansonthearmofchair.

[Intimately.]Tellme,haveyouawoman?Doyoulikewomen?Doyouever…thinkaboutwomen?[Pause.]Haveyouever…stoppedawoman?[Pause.]I’msureyoumusthavebeenquiteattractiveonce.[Shesits.]Notanymore,ofcourse.You’vegotavilesmell.Vile.Quiterepellent,infact.

[Pause.]Sex,Isuppose,meansnothingtoyou.Doesiteveroccurtoyouthatsexisavery

vital experience for other people? Really, I think you’d amuse me if youweren’t so hideous. You’re probably quite amusing in your own way.[Seductively.]Tellmeallaboutlove.Speaktomeoflove.

[Pause.]Godknowswhatyou’resayingatthisverymoment.It’squitedisgusting.DoyouknowwhenIwasagirl I loved…I loved…Isimplyadored…whathaveyougoton, forgoodnesssake?Ajersey?It’sclogged.Haveyoubeenrolling inmud?[Slightpause.]Youhaven’tbeen rolling inmud,haveyou?[Sherisesandgoesovertohim.]Andwhathaveyougotunderyourjersey?Let’ssee. [Slightpause.] I’mnot ticklingyou, am I?No.Good…Lord, isthisavest?That’squiteoriginal.Quiteoriginal. [Shesitson thearmof hischair.]Hmmnn,you’reasolidoldboy,Imustsay.Notatalllikeajelly.Allyouneedisabath.Alovelylatherybath.Andagoodscrub.Alovelylatheryscrub.[Pause.]Don’tyou?Itwillbeapleasure.[Shethrowsherarmsroundhim.]I’mgoingtokeepyou.I’mgoingtokeepyou,youdreadfulchap,andcallyouBarnabas. Isn’t itdark,Barnabas?Youreyes,youreyes,yourgreatbigeyes.

Pause.

Myhusbandwouldneverhaveguessedyourname.Never.[Shekneelsathisfeet. Whispering.] It’s me you were waiting for, wasn’t it? You’ve beenstandingwaitingforme.You’veseenmeinthewoods,pickingdaisies,inmyapron,myprettydaisyapron,andyoucameandstood,poorcreature,atmygate, tilldeathusdopart.PoorBarnabas. I’mgoing toputyou tobed. I’mgoingtoputyoutobedandwatchoveryou.Butfirstyoumusthaveagoodwhackinggreatbath.And I’llbuyyoupretty little things thatwill suityou.Andlittletoystoplaywith.Onyourdeathbed.Whyshouldn’tyoudiehappy?

Ashoutfromthehall.

EDWARD:Well?[Footstepsupstage.]Well?

FLORA:Don’tcomein.EDWARD:Well?FLORA:He’sdying.

EDWARD:Dying?He’snotdying.FLORA:Itellyou,he’sveryill.EDWARD:He’snotdying!Nowherenear.He’llseeyoucremated.FLORA:Themanisdesperatelyill!EDWARD:Ill?Youlyingslut.Getbacktoyourtrough!FLORA:Edward…EDWARD[violently]:Toyourtrough!

Shegoesout.Pause.

[Coolly.]Goodeveningtoyou.Whyareyousittinginthegloom?Oh,you’vebeguntodisrobe.Toowarm?Let’sopenthesewindows,then,what?

Heopensthewindows.

Pulltheblinds.

Hepullstheblinds.

Andclose…thecurtains…again.

Heclosesthecurtains.

Ah.Airwillenter throughthesidechinks.Oftheblinds.Andfilter throughthecurtains.Ihope.Don’twanttosuffocate,dowe?[Pause.]More comfortable? Yes. You look different in darkness. Take off all yourtogs,ifyoulike.Makeyourselfathome.Striptoyourbuff.Doasyouwouldinyourownhouse.[Pause.]Didyousaysomething?[Pause.]Didyousaysomething?[Pause.]Anything?Wellthen,tellmeaboutyourboyhood.Mmnn?[Pause.]Whatdidyoudowith it?Run?Swim?Kick theball?Youkicked theball?Whatposition?Leftback?Goalie?Firstreserve?[Pause.]Iusedtoplaymyself.Countryhousematches,mostly.Keptwicketandbattednumberseven.[Pause.]

Keptwicket andbattednumber seven.Mancalled—Cavendish, I thinkhadsomethingofyourstyle.Bowledleftarmoverthewicket,alwayskepthiscapon,quiteadabhandatsolowhist,preferredagoodroundofpropandcoptoanythingelse.[Pause.]Onwetdayswhenthefieldwasswamped.[Pause.]Perhapsyoudon’tplaycricket.[Pause.]PerhapsyounevermetCavendishandneverplayedcricket.YoulooklessandlesslikeacricketerthemoreIseeofyou.Wheredidyouliveinthosedays?Goddamnit,I’mentitledtoknowsomethingaboutyou!You’reinmyblastedhouse,onmyterritory,drinkingmywine,eatingmyduck!Nowyou’vehadyourfillyousitlikeahump,amoulderingheap.Inmyroom.Myden.Icanrem…[Hestopsabruptly.][Pause.]Youfindthatfunny?Areyougrinning?[Pause.][Indisgust.]GoodChrist,isthatagrinonyourface?[Furtherdisgust.]It’s lopsided.It’sall—downononeside.You’regrinning.Itamusesyou,doesit?WhenItellyouhowwellIrememberthisroom,howwell I remember this den. [Muttering.] Ha. Yesterday now, it was clear,clearlydefined,soclearly.[Pause.]Thegarden,too,wassharp,lucid,intherain,inthesun.[Pause.]Myden,too,wassharp,arrangedformypurpose…quitesatisfactory.[Pause.]The house too, was polished, all the banisters were polished, and the stairrods,andthecurtainrods.[Pause.]Mydeskwaspolished,andmycabinet.

[Pause.]Iwas polished. [Nostalgic.] I could stand on the hill and look throughmytelescopeatthesea.Andfollowthepathofthethree-mastedschooner,feelingfit, well aware ofmy sinews, their suppleness, my arms lifted holding thetelescope,steady,easily,notrembling,myaimwasperfect,Icouldpourhot

water down the spoon-hole, yes, easily, no difficulty, my grasp firm, mycommand established, my life was accounted for, I was ready for myexcursionstothecliff,downthepathtothebackgate,throughthelonggrass,no need to watch for the nettles, my progress was fluent, after my longstruggling against all kinds of usurpers, disreputables, lists, literally lists ofpeopleanxioustodomedown,andmyreputationdown,mycommandwasestablished, all summer I would breakfast, survey my landscape, take mytelescope, examine the overhanging of my hedges, pursue the narrow lanepast the monastery, climb the hill, adjust the lens [hemimes a telescope],watchtheprogressofthethree-mastedschooner,myprogresswasassure,asfluent…

Pause.Hedropshisarms.

Yes,yes,you’requiteright,itisfunny.[Pause.]Laughyourbloodyheadoff!Goon.Don’tmindme.Noneedtobepolite.[Pause.]That’sright.[Pause.]You’requiteright,itisfunny.I’lllaughwithyou!

Helaughs.

Ha-ha-ha! Yes! You’re laughing with me, I’m laughing with you, we’relaughingtogether!

Helaughsandstops.

[Brightly.]Whydid I invite you into this room?That’s your next question,isn’tit?Boundtobe.[Pause.]Well, why not, you might say? My oldest acquaintance. My nearest anddearest. My kith and kin. But surely correspondence would have been assatisfactory … more satisfactory? We could have exchanged postcards,couldn’twe?What?Views, couldn’twe?Of seaand land, city andvillage,townandcountry,autumnandwinter…clocktowers…museums…citadels…bridges…rivers…[Pause.]Seeingyou stand, at thebackgate, suchcloseproximity,wasnot at all thesamething.

[Pause.]Whatareyoudoing?You’retakingoffyourbalaclava…you’vedecidednotto.No,verywell then, all things considered, did I then inviteyou into thisroomwithexpressintentionofaskingyoutotakeoffyourbalaclava,inorderto determine your resemblance to—some other person? The answer is no,certainlynot,Ididnot,forwhenIfirstsawyouyouworenobalaclava.Noheadcoveringofanykind,infact.Youlookedquitedifferentwithoutahead—Imeanwithoutahat—Imeanwithoutaheadcovering,ofanykind.InfacteverytimeIhaveseenyouyouhavelookedquitedifferenttothetimebefore.[Pause.]Evennowyoulookdifferent.Verydifferent.[Pause.]Admitted that sometimes I viewed you through dark glasses, yes, andsometimes through light glasses, and on other occasions bare eyed, and onotheroccasionsthroughthebarsofthescullerywindow,orfromtheroof,theroof,yesindrivingsnow,orfromthebottomofthedriveinthickfog,orfromtheroofagaininblindingsun,soblinding,sohot,thatIhadtoskipandjumpandbounceinordertoremaininoneplace.Ah,that’sgoodforaguffaw,isit?That’s good for a belly laugh?Goon, then.Let it out.Let yourself go, forGod’s…[Hecatcheshisbreath.]You’recrying…[Pause.][Moved.]Youhaven’tbeenlaughing.You’recrying.[Pause.]You’reweeping.You’reshakingwithgrief.Forme.Ican’tbelieveit.Formyplight.I’vebeenwrong.[Pause.][Briskly.]Come,come,stopit.Beaman.Blowyournoseforgoodnesssake.Pullyourselftogether.

Hesneezes.

Ah.

Herises.Sneeze.

Ah.Fever.Excuseme.

Heblowshisnose.

I’vecaughtacold.Agerm.Inmyeyes.Itwasthismorning.Inmyeyes.Myeyes.

Pause.Hefallstothefloor.

Not that I had anydifficulty in seeingyou, no, no, itwasnot somuchmysight,mysightisexcellent—inwinterIrunaboutwithnothingonbutapairofpoloshorts—no,itwasnotsomuchanydeficiencyinmysightastheairsbetween me and my object—don’t weep—the change of air, the currentsobtaininginthespacebetweenmeandmyobject,theshadestheymake,theshapes they take, thequivering, theeternalquivering—pleasestopcrying—nothing to do with heat-haze. Sometimes, of course, I would take shelter,sheltertocomposemyself.Yes,Iwouldseekatree,acrannyofbushes,erectmy canopy and so make shelter. And rest. [Lowmurmur.] And then I nolongerheardthewindorsawthesun.Nothingentered,nothingleftmynook.I lay onmy side inmy polo shorts,my fingers lightly in contactwith thebladesofgrass,theearthflowers,thepetalsoftheearthflowersflaking,lyingonmypalm, theundersideofall thegreat foliagedark, aboveme,but it isonly afterwards I say the foliage was dark, the petals flaking, then I saidnothing,Iremarkednothing, thingshappeneduponme,theninmytimesofshelter, the shades, thepetals, carried themselves, carried their bodies uponme,andnothingenteredmynook,nothingleftit.[Pause.]But then, the time came. I saw thewind. I saw thewind, swirling, and thedustatmybackgate,lifting,andthelonggrass,scythingtogether…[Slowly,in horror.] You are laughing. You’re laughing. Your face. Your body.[Overwhelming nausea and horror.] Rocking … gasping … rocking …shaking … rocking … heaving … rocking … You’re laughing at me!Aaaaahhhh!

TheMATCHSELLERrises.Silence.

Youlookyounger.Youlookextraordinarily…youthful.[Pause.]Youwant to examine the garden? Itmust be verybright, in themoonlight.[Becomingweaker.]Iwouldliketojoinyou…explain…showyou…thegarden…explain…Theplants…whereIrun…mytrack…intraining…IwasnumberonesprinteratHowells…whenastripling…nomorethanastripling… licked… men twice my strength… when a stripling… likeyourself.[Pause.]

[Flatly.] The pool must be glistening. In the moonlight. And the lawn. Irememberitwell.Thecliff.Thesea.Thethree-mastedschooner.[Pause.][Withgreat,finaleffort—awhisper.]Whoareyou?

FLORA[off]:Barnabas?[Pause.]

Sheenters.

Ah,Barnabas.Everythingisready.[Pause.]Iwanttoshowyoumygarden,yourgarden.Youmustseemyjaponica,myconvolvulus…myhoneysuckle,myclematis.[Pause.]Thesummeriscoming.I’veputupyourcanopyforyou.Youcanlunchinthegarden,bythepool.I’vepolishedthewholehouseforyou.[Pause.]Takemyhand.

Pause.TheMATCHSELLERgoesovertoher.

Yes.Oh,waitamoment.[Pause.]Edward.Hereisyourtray.

Shecrosses toEDWARDwith the trayofmatches,andputs it inhishands.ThensheandtheMATCHSELLERstarttogooutasthecurtainfallsslowly.

THEHOTHOUSE

AUTHOR’SNOTE

IwroteTheHothouseinthewinterof1958.Iputitasideforfurtherdeliberation andmade no attempt to have it produced at the time. IthenwentontowriteTheCaretaker.In1979Ire-readTheHothouseand decided it was worth presenting on the stage. I made a fewchangesduringrehearsal,mainlycuts.

HAROLDPINTER

CHARACTERS

ROOTE,inhisfifties

GIBBS,inhisthirties

LAMB,inhistwenties

MISSCUTTS,inherthirties

LUSH,inhisthirties

TUBB,fifty

LOBB,fifty

TheHothousewasfirstpresentedatHampsteadTheatre,London,on24April1980inaproductiondirectedbyHaroldPinter.ItmovedtotheAmbassadorTheatre,London,on25June1980.

Thecastwasasfollows:

ROOTE DerekNewarkGIBBS JamesGrantLAMB RogerDavidsonMISSCUTTS AngelaPleasenceLUSH RobertEastTUBB MichaelForrestLOBB EdwarddeSouza

DirectorHaroldPinterSetDesignerEileenDissCostumeDesignerElizabethWalkerLightingGerryJenkinsonSoundDominicMuldowney

Sets

ROOTE’sofficeAstairwayAsittingroomAsoundproofroomLOBB’sofficeintheMinistry

ACTONE

ROOTE’soffice.Morning.ROOTEisstandingatthewindow,lookingout.GIBBSisatthefilingcabinet,examiningsomepapers.

ROOTEGibbs.

GIBBSYes,sir?

ROOTETellme…

GIBBSYes,sir?

ROOTEHow’s6457gettingon?

GIBBS6457,sir?

ROOTEYes.

GIBBSHe’sdead,sir.

ROOTEDead?

GIBBSHediedonThursday,sir.

ROOTEThursday?Whatareyoutalkingabout?What’stoday?

GIBBSSaturday,sir.

ROOTESaturday…Well,forgoodnesssake,Ihadatalkwithhim,whenwasit?(Openshisdeskdiary.)Recently.Onlytheotherday.Yesterday,Ithink.Justaminute.

GIBBSIhardlythinkyesterday,sir.

ROOTEWhynot?

GIBBSIsupervisedtheburialarrangementsmyself,sir.

ROOTEThisisridiculous.Whatdidhedieof?

GIBBSIbegyourpardon,sir?

ROOTEIfhe’sdead,whatdidhedieof?

GIBBSHeartfailure,sir.

ROOTEstaresathim,sitsatthedeskandconsultsthediary.

ROOTEWait…hereweare.Gotit.Conversationwith6457teno’clockFridaymorning.Thatwasyesterday.Well,whatdoyoumakeofthat?

GIBBSI’mafraidthereseemstobeaslightdiscrepancy,sir.

ROOTEDiscrepancy!I’mdamnsurethere’sadiscrepancy!Youcomeandtellmethataman has died and I’ve got it down here that I had a conversation with himyesterdaymorning.Accordingtoyouhewasinhisgrave.Theredoesseemtobeaslightdiscrepancy,Iagreewithyou.

GIBBSImeant…aboutthedates,sir.

ROOTEDates?Whatdates?

GIBBSInyourdiary,sir.(Hemoves to thedesk.) Imustpointout thatyouare in factreferring to Friday, the 17th. (He indicates a date on the page.) There, sir.Yesterday was Friday the 24th. (He turns the pages forward and indicates adate.)Here,sir.Youhadaconversationwith6457onthe17th.Hediedonthe23rd.(Indicatesadate.)Here.

ROOTEWhat! (Heturns thepagesback.)GoodLord, you’re right.You’re quite right.How extraordinary. I haven’t written a single thing down in this diary for awholeweek.

GIBBSYou’veheldnointerviewswithanyofthepatients,sir,duringthelastweek.

ROOTENo,Ihaven’t,haveI?Whynot?

GIBBSYoudecidedonthe…18th,sir,thatyouwouldcancelallinterviewsuntilfurthernotice.

ROOTE(slowly)Ohyes.SoIdid.

GIBBSmovesroundthedesk.

GIBBSFor the sake of accuracy, sir, I’d like, if I may, to point out to you what isapparentlyanotherdiscrepancy.

ROOTEAnotherone?

GIBBSYes,sir.

ROOTEYou’reverykeenthismorning,aren’tyou,Gibbs?

GIBBSIdotrytokeepmypowersofobservationwellexercised,sir.

ROOTEDon’tstandsoclose tome.You’re righton topofme.What’s thematterwithyou?

GIBBSI’msosorry,sir.(Hestepsawayfromthedesk.)

ROOTEThere’s plenty of room in here, isn’t there?What are you breathing downmyneckfor?

GIBBSIdoapologise,sir.

ROOTENothing’smoreirritating.

GIBBSItwasthoughtlessofme,sir.

Pause

ROOTEWell…whatwasthisotherdiscrepancy,anyway?

GIBBS(flatly)Itwasnot6457,sir,whomyouinterviewedonthe17th.

ROOTEGibbs.

GIBBSSir?

ROOTEOnequestion.

GIBBSSir.

ROOTEAreyoutakingthepissoutofme?

GIBBSMostdecidedlynot,sir.

Slightpause

ROOTEAll right.Youhave just said itwas not 6457 I interviewedon the 17th.Whatevidencehaveyougottosupportyourcontention?

GIBBSThefiguresinyourdiary,sir.

ROOTEFigures?

GIBBSOnefigure,sir.IfImay…(Hebendsoverthedesk.)…thisone.

ROOTEWhichone?

GIBBSThisone.It’snotaseven,sir.It’sanine.

ROOTENine?

GIBBSNine,sir.Thenumberis645…9.

ROOTEGoodGod,soitis.Nine.Well,it’snotaveryclearnine,isit?

GIBBSItwasinfact6459whomyouinterviewed,sir.

ROOTEMusthavebeen.That’s funny. IwonderwhyI thought itwasseven. (Herisesabruptly.)Thewholething’sridiculous!Thesystem’swrong.(Hewalksacrosstheroom.)Weshouldn’tuse.thesestupidnumbersatall.Onlyconfusesthings.Why don’t we use their names, for God’s sake? They’ve got names, haven’tthey?

GIBBSItwasyourpredecessorwhoinstitutedtheuseofnumbers,sir.

ROOTEHowdoyouknow?

GIBBSSoIunderstand,sir.

ROOTEYouweren’tevenherethen.

GIBBS

No,sir.

ROOTEIwas.

GIBBSQuite,sir.

ROOTEIwasstandingwhereyou’restandingnow.Icantellyouthat.Sayingyessir,nosirandcertainlysir.Justasyouarenow.Ididn’tbribeanyonetogetwhereIam.Iworkedmywayup.Whenmypredecessor…retired…Iwasinvitedtotakeoverhisposition.Andhaveyouanyideawhyyoucallmesirnow?

GIBBSYes,sir.

ROOTEWhy?

GIBBSBecauseyoucalledhimsirthen,sir.

ROOTERight!

Pause

But I sometimes think I’ve been a bit slow inmaking changes.Change is theorderofthings,afterall.Imeanit’s in theorderofthings, it’snot theorderofthings,it’sintheorderofthings.

Slightpause

Still,IsometimesthinkIcouldhaveinstitutedafewmorechanges–ifI’dhadtime. I’m not talking about many changes or drastic changes. That’s notnecessary.Buton thisnumbersbusiness, for instance. Itwouldmake thingssomuchsimplerifwecalledthembytheirnames.Thenwe’dallknowwherewe

were.Afterall,they’renotcriminals.They’reonlypeopleinneedofhelp,whichwetrytogive,inonewayoranother,tothebestofourdiscretion,tothebestofourjudgement, tohelpthemregaintheirconfidence,confidenceinthemselves,confidence in others, confidence in … the world. What? They’re all peoplespeciallyrecommendedbytheMinistry,afterall.They’renotanyTom,Dickor…or…er…Harry.

Hestops,brooding.

Ioftenthinkitmustdepressthem…somewhat…tohaveanumberrappedatthemallthetime.Aftersomeofthemhavebeenhereafewyearsthey’reliabletoforgetwhatnamestheirfathersgavethem.Ortheirmothers.

Pause

Oneofthepurposesofthisestablishmentistoinstillthatconfidenceineachandeveryoneofthem,thatconfidencewhichwillonedayenablethemtosay‘Iam…Gubbins’, for example. Not easy, not easy, agreed, but it makes it doublydifficult if they’re constantly referred to as 5244, doesn’t it?We lose sight oftheir names and they lose sight of their names. I sometimeswonder if it’s therightwaytogoaboutthings.(Hesitsatthedesk.)

GIBBSWouldyoulikemetoplacefurtherconsiderationof thismatteron theagenda,sir?

ROOTE(sharply)Certainlynot.Wecan’t.

GIBBSCan’t,sir?

ROOTEYouknowdamnwellwecan’t.Thatwasoneoftherulesofprocedurelaiddownintheoriginalconstitution.Thepatientsaretobegivennumbersandcalledbythosenumbers.Andthat’showit’sgottoremain.Youunderstand?

GIBBS

Perfectly,sir.

GIBBSgoestothefilingcabinet.

ROOTEAdeathonthepremises?

GIBBSSir?

ROOTEAdeath?Yousaythismanhasdied?

GIBBS6457,sir?Yes,sir.

ROOTEWhichonewashe?

GIBBSYouhadquitealottodowithhim,actually,sir.

ROOTEHewasamanIdealtwithpersonally?

GIBBSYes,sir.

ROOTEWell,whichonewashe,forGod’ssake?

GIBBSYouknewhimwell,sir.

ROOTEYoukeepsayingthat!ButIcan’trememberadamnthingabouthim.Whatdidhelooklike?

Pause

GIBBSThinnish.

ROOTEFairheaded?

GIBBS(sitting)Notdarkheaded,sir.

Pause

ROOTETall?

GIBBSCertainlynotsmall.

Pause

ROOTEQuiteasharpsortofface?

GIBBSQuitesharp,yes,sir.

ROOTEYes.

Pause

Yes,hehadasharpsortofface,didn’the?

GIBBSIshouldsayitwassharp,sir,yes.

ROOTELimpedabit?

GIBBS

Oh,possiblyatrifle,sir.

ROOTEYes,helimped.Helimpedonhisleftleg.

GIBBSHisleft,sir?

ROOTEWell,oneofthem.I’msureofit.

GIBBSYes,hehadaslightlimp,sir.

ROOTEYes,ofcoursehehad.

Pause

Hehadaslightlimp.Wheneverhewalkedanywhere…helimped.Prematurelygrey,hewas.Prematurelygrey.

Pause

Yes,Irememberhimverywell.

Pause

He’sdead,yousay?

GIBBSYes,sir.

ROOTEThenwhywasn’tItold?It’syourjobtokeepmeinformedofalldevelopmentsinthisbuilding,nomatterhowslight,nomatterhowtrivial.Idemandananswer.Whywasn’tItold?

GIBBSYousignedthedeathcertificate,sir.

GIBBSgoestothefilingcabinet.

ROOTEDidhegetadecentburial?

GIBBSOh,verydecent,sir.

ROOTEIdon’tseewhyIwasn’tinvited.Whosaidthelastwordsoverhim?

GIBBSTherewerenolastwords,sir.

ROOTE(appalled)Nolastwords?

ROOTErises,walkstothewindow,looksout.

Snowing.Isn’titthepatients’exercisetime?

GIBBSNottoday,sir.

ROOTEWhynot?

GIBBSIt’sChristmasday,sir.

ROOTEgoesbacktothedeskandsits.

ROOTEAllright,that’sallfornow.Beareverythinginmind.

Heexaminessomepapers.GIBBSdoesnotmove.ROOTElooksup.

Whatisit?Whatareyouwaitingfor?

GIBBSYouaskedmeaquestionearlier,sir,whichIhaven’tyethadachancetoanswer.

ROOTEHaven’thadachance?Whatdoyoumean?ThatI’vebeentalkingtoomuchorsomething?

GIBBSNotatall,sir.Wesimplypassedontoanothertopic.

ROOTE(regardinghim)Gibbs.

GIBBSSir?

ROOTE(confidentially)Betweenourselves,mantoman,you’renotbyanychancetakingtheoldwee-weeoutofme,areyou?

GIBBSMost assuredly not, sir. By nomeans. Imerely feel it incumbent uponme toanswer any questions you put to me, or to do my best to do so. You aredependent uponme for certain information and I feel it in the line of duty tosupplyyouwithit,especiallywhenitisbyspecificrequest.

ROOTEStopmouthing!Thishasbeenamostexhaustingmorning.Ifthemorning’slikethiswhat’s the rest of the day going to be like? There’s no system, that’s thetrouble.Look.ThenexttimeIaskyouaquestionansweritandwewon’twastesomuchtimefiddlingabout.Thingsaregettingmuchtooslackaroundhere.

Pause

Well,comeon,whatwasthisquestion?

GIBBS

Youaskedme,sir–

ROOTEWait!

Heleansforwardonthedesk.

(Quietly.)Beforeyougoon,Gibbs,letmesayonething.Besurethatwhatyousayisaccurate.YouareabouttoquoteaquestionyousayIputtoyou.Idon’tknowwhat you’re going to say, but immediately you’ve said it I shall knowwhetherIsaidit,orwhetherIdidn’t.Ishallknow.

GIBBSYes,sir.

ROOTEIdidn’tget thisjobfornothing,Icanassureyou.Ishallknow.Havenodoubtwhatsoeveronthatpoint.

GIBBSNo,sir.

ROOTESticktothefacts,man,andwewon’tgofarwrong.

GIBBSYes,sir.

Pause

ROOTEWell,whatwasthisquestion?

GIBBSYouaskedmehow6459wasgettingon,sir.

Pause

ROOTE(expressionless)

DidI?

GIBBSTobequiteaccurate,sir,itwas6457youinquiredafter,but,ofcourse,6457isdead.We agreed, after examining certain discrepancies, that it was 6459 youwerereferringto.

Pause

ROOTE(expressionless)Didwe?

Thelightsfadeontheoffice.Theygouponthesittingroom.MISSCUTTSandLAMBenterthesittingroom.

LAMBThatwasfun, Imustsay.Youknowyoureallyplayextraordinarilywell,MissCutts.

CUTTSDoI?

LAMBOh,excellent.Ienjoyeditimmensely.

MISSCUTTSsits.LAMBgoestothecoffeemachine.

LAMBBlackorwhite?

CUTTSBlack.

LAMB(chuckling)ImustsayIgotthesurpriseofmylife,youknow,whenyoucameuptomethismorning and asked me if I played table tennis. What I mean is, consideringwe’veneverspokentoeachotherbefore.

Hegivesheracoffee.

Itwasreallyveryniceofyou.Doyouplayoften?

CUTTSNotoften.

LAMBWell, it’sadamngoodpieceof luck thatour rotascoincideat this timeof themorning,isn’tit?It’llbesomethingtolookforwardto,agameofping-pong.Ihaven’tplayedforages.

Pause.Hesitswithhiscoffee.

Doyoulikeithere?

CUTTSOh,Ido.It’ssorewarding.

LAMBYourwork?

CUTTSTerriblyrewarding.

LAMBYou’vebeenheresometime,ofcourse?

CUTTSMmnn.Ohyes.

LAMBWhataboutMr.Roote?Howdoyougetonwithhim?

CUTTSOh,suchacharmingperson.Sogenuine.

LAMBYes, I’msurehe is. Ihaven’t really…spoken tohimyet.AlthoughIexpect Iwillbemeetinghim,verysoonnow.

Hestands,walksabout.

IonlywishIhadabitmoretodo.I’maveryenergeticsortofchap,youknow.Tremendousmental energy. I’m the sort of chapwho’s always thinking– youknowwhat Imean?Then,when I’ve thought about something, I like toput itintoaction.Imean,Ithinkalotaboutthepatients,yousee.

Pause

Youhavequiteabittodowiththem,Isuppose?

CUTTSMmmn……

LUSHwalksquicklyintothesittingroom.

LUSHHaveyouseenGibbs?

LAMBGibbs?

LUSHgoes.

Whatacuriousthing.Didyouhearthat,MissCutts?ThatwasLush.Heaskedifwe’dseenGibbs.

MISSCUTTSisleaningbackinherchair.

CUTTSMmnn?

LAMBLush.Poppedhisheadinthedoorjustnow.Askedifwe’dseenGibbs.

CUTTSAndhavewe?

LAMBIhaven’t.

Pause

Youknow,I…Ihaven’treallygotusedtothisplace.

Pause

DoyouknowwhatImean?Iwouldn’tsaythistoanyoneelsebutyou,ofcourse.Thefactis,Ihaven’tmademuchcontactwithanyoftheothers.Hoggsaidgoodmorning tome inaverynicewayaboutaweekagowhen Ibumped intohimnearthegym,butIhaven’tseenhimsince.(Withsuddenbriskness.)No,yousee,whathappenedwasthis–theMinistrysaidtome,Iwasworkinginoneoftheirotherdepartmentsat the time,doingsomethingquitedifferent–well, anyway,theycalledmeupandtheysaidtome–‘You’vebeenposted’.Well,I’dheardaboutthisplace,ofcourse.Iwasdelighted.But…butwhatexactlyisthepost,Isaid.You’lllearnthatwhenyougetdownthere,theysaid,butwethinkyou’vegottherightqualifications.

Pause

That’swhattheysaid.Thatwasoverayearago.

Pause

AndI’veneverlearnedwhothemanwasItookoverfrom,andI’veneverfoundout why he left, either. Anyway I’m pretty sure he wasn’t doing the job I’mdoing.Or ifhewasdoing thesame jobhewasn’tdoing it inexactly thesameway.Thewhole rota’s been altered since he left, for a start.He couldn’t havebeendoingmyrota,andifhewasn’tdoingmyrotahecanhardlybesaidtohavebeendoingmyjob.Rotasmakeallthedifference.

Pause

Imean,myjob,forinstance.Ihavetoseethatall thegatesarelockedoutsidethe building and that all the patients’ doors are locked inside the building. Itgives me exercise, I’ll say that. It takes me two hours and six minutes,

approximately, to try every gate and every door, then I can stand still for tenminutes,thenoffIgoagain.Ihavetheregulationbreaks,ofcourse.Breakfast,lunch, tea and dinner. Still, I feel a bitwhackedwhenmy shift’s over, Imustadmit.ButasIsaiditgivesmetimetothink–notwhenI’mtestingthelocks,ofcourse – but in between locks – it givesme time to think, andmostly I thinkabout the patients. I get some very good ideas while I think, honestly. As amatteroffact,Ihearonereceivesalittletokenofesteem,sometimes–Imeanafteracertainperiod.I’vegotafeelingthatmine’salmostdue.

Pause

Perhapsitmightevenbepromotion.

Pause

Quite frankly, I can’tmakemuchmoreprogresswith this job Iwas allocated.There’snotenoughscope. IwishIcoulddealwith thepatients–directly. I’vethought out a number of schemes, you know, ideas, for a really constructive,progressiveapproach to the patients – in fact, I’ve sent them in to the office.Haven’t heard anything yet. I think possibly what’s happening is that on theevidenceoftheseschemesIsentinthey’reconsideringpromotion.Look,Iwanttoaskyou,theseschemesofmine–youknow,theonesI’vesentintotheoffice–doyou think thatwas the rightplace tosend them,or should Ihavehandedtheminpersonallytosomeone?Thepointis,who?

MISSCUTTSlooksatherwatch.Shestands.

CUTTSWillyouexcuseme?I’mafraidIhaveanappointment.

Shegoestothedoor.LAMBfollows.

LAMBYou’retheonlyfriendI’vegothere,tobequitefrank.Idon’tseemtobeableto…reachtheothers.Don’tknowwhy.Afterall,Isharetheirinterests.Wouldn’tyousay?

Theygoout.

Thelightsfadeonthesittingroom.Theygoupontheoffice.ROOTEandGIBBSareinthesamepositions.

ROOTE(deliberately)Well,howis6459gettingon?

GIBBSShe’sgivenbirthtoaboy,sir.

Pause

ROOTEShe…has…what?

GIBBSGivenbirth,sir.

ROOTETo…awhat?

GIBBSAboy,sir.

Pause

ROOTEIthinkyou’vegonetoofar,Gibbs.

GIBBSNotme,sir,Iassureyou.

ROOTEleansacrossthedesk.

ROOTEGivenbirth?

GIBBSYes,sir.

ROOTEToachild?

GIBBSYes,sir.

ROOTEOnthesepremises?

GIBBSOnthefourthfloor,sir.

ROOTErises,leansoverthedesktoGIBBS,abouttospeak,unabletospeak,turns,leavesthedesk,walksheavilyacrosstheroom.

ROOTESex?

GIBBSMale.

ROOTEsinksontothesofa.

ROOTEThishasmademymorning.Itreallyhasmademymorning.

Hetakesapairofglassesoutofhispocket,puts themonand looksacross theroomtoGIBBS.

I’mdumbstruck.Quitethunderstruck.Absolutelythunderstruck!Thishasneverhappened before. Never! In all the years I’ve been here, in all the years mypredecessorwashere.And I’mquitecertainneverbeforehim.Tospendyearsandyears,winterafterwinter,tryingtoperfecttheworkingofaninstitutionsofragile in its conception and execution, so fragile the boundary between theachievement of one’s aspirations and their collapse, not only one’s ownaspirations; rather the aspirations of awhole community, a tradition, an ideal;such a delicately wrought concept of participation between himwho is to betreatedandhimwhoistotreatthatitdefiesanalysis;tryingtosustainthisfine,

finebalance,finerthana…finerthana……far,farfiner.Yearafteryear,andsorefinedtheoperationthatthesoftestbreath,thebreathofa…feather…cansend the whole thing tottering into chaos, into ignominy, to the death andcancellationofallourhopes.Goodnessgracious.

Hestands.

Asmypredecessorsaid,ononeunforgettableoccasion: ‘Order,gentlemen, forGod’ssake,order!’Irememberthesilence,rowuponrowofelectrifiedfaces,hewithhisgoldenforelock,hisbriarburning,uprightandcommanding,asoldier’sstance, looking down from the platform. The gymnasium was packed tosuffocation, standing room only. The lucky ones were perched on vaultinghorses, hanging without movement from the wallbars. ‘Order, gentlemen,’ hesaid,‘fortheloveofMike!’AsonemanwelookedoutofthewindowatMike,andgazedat thestatue–covered insnow, it sohappened, thenasnow.Mike!Thepredecessorofmypredecessor,thepredecessorofusall,themanwholaidthe foundation stone, themanwho introduced the first patient, themanwho,after the incrediblehordesofpatients, orwould-bepatients, had followedhimthrough town and country, hills and valleys, waited under hedges, lined thebridgesandsatsixfeetdeepintheditch,openedinstitutionafterinstitutionupand down the country, rest homes, nursing homes, convalescent homes,sanatoria. He was sanctioned by the Ministry, revered by the populace,subsidised by the State. He had set in motion an activity for humanity, ofhumanityandbyhumanity.Andthekeywordwasorder.

HeturnstoGIBBS.

I,Gibbs,havetriedtopreservethatorder.Avocation,infact.AndyouchooseChristmas morning to come and tell me this. I tell you quite frankly I smelldisaster.

GIBBSWithrespect,sir,Ican’tseethatthematterisofsuchextremesignificance.

ROOTEYou can’t?Havewe ever, to your knowledge, given birth to a child on thesepremisesbefore?

GIBBSNottomyknowledge,sir.

ROOTEThereforewehavenoyardstick.Asamathematicianyouwillappreciatethatwehave nothing to measure this event by so that we can with ease assess itsimplications.

GIBBSIamnotamathematician,sir.

ROOTEWell,youlooklikeone!

Hepocketshisglasses,sitsatthedesk.

Right!There’sworktobedone.Findtheculprit.Whoishe?

GIBBSThat,sir,wehavenotyetbeenabletoascertain.

ROOTEWhynot?Haveyouaskedthepatient?

GIBBSYes,sir.

ROOTEWhatdidshesay?

GIBBSShewas…noncommital,sir.Shesaidshecouldn’tbeentirelysuresincemostofthestaffhavehadrelationswithherinthislastyear.

ROOTEMostofthestaff?

GIBBS

Accordingtoherstatement,sir.

ROOTErubshismouth.

ROOTEWhichoneis6459?

GIBBSShe’sawomaninherthirties–

ROOTEThatmeans nothing tome, get onwith it,what does she look like?Perhaps Iknowher.

GIBBSOh,there’snodoubtthatyouknowher,sir.

ROOTEWhatdoesshelooklike?

Pause

GIBBSFattish.

ROOTEDarkheaded?

GIBBS(sitting)Notfairheaded,sir.

Pause

ROOTESmall?

GIBBSCertainlynottall.

Pause

ROOTEQuiteasensualsortofface?

GIBBSQuitesensual,yes,sir.

ROOTEYes.

Pause

Yes,she’sgotasensualsonofface,hasn’tshe?

GIBBSIshouldsayitwassensual,sir,yes.

ROOTEWobbleswhenshewalks?

GIBBSOh,possiblyatrifle,sir.

ROOTEYes,shewobbles.Shewobblesinherleftbuttock.

GIBBSHerleft,sir?

ROOTEWell,oneofthem.I’msureofit.

GIBBSYes,shehasaslightwobble,sir.

ROOTEYes,ofcourseshehas.

Pause

She’sgotaslightwobble.Whenevershewalksanywhere…shewobbles.Likeseatingtoffees,too…whenshecangetany.

GIBBSQuitetrue,sir.

Pause

ROOTENo–Idon’tthinkIknowher.

Pause

Andyousayanumberofthestaffhavehadrelationswiththiswoman,doyou?

GIBBSApparently,sir.

ROOTE(standing)Well, one of them’s slipped up, hasn’t he? One of them’s not been using hishead! His know-how! Common or garden horsesense! I don’t mind the mendippingtheirwicksonoccasion.Itcan’tbeavoided.It’sgot togosomewhere.Besidesthat,it’sintheinterestsofscience.Ifamemberofthestaffdecidesthatforthegoodofafemalepatientsomedegreeofcopulationisnecessarythentwobirdsarekilledwithonestone! Itdoesnoharmtoeitherparty.At least, that’showI’vefounditinmyexperience.(Withemphasis.)Butweallknowtherule!Neverridebarebacked.Alwaystakeprecautions.Otherwisecomplicationssetin.Neverridebarebackedandalwayssendinareport.Afterall,thereactionsofthepatienthavetobetabulated,comparedwithothers,filed,stampedandifpossibleverified!Itstandstoreason.(Grimly.)Well,Icantellyousomething,Gibbs,onethingisblatantlycleartome.Someonehasn’tbeensendinginhisreport!

GIBBSQuite,sir.

ROOTEWho?

GIBBSsitsonthesofaandputshishandtohismouth.

GIBBSIthinkIknowtheman.

ROOTEWho?

GIBBS(thoughtfully)Yes,it’ssuddenlycometome.HowabsurdIdidn’trealiseitbefore.

ROOTEWho,forGod’ssake?

GIBBSI’dprefertohavethematterverified,sir,beforeI…bringhimbeforeyou.

ROOTEAllright.Butfindhim.Thegoodnameofthisestablishmentdependsonit.

ROOTEsitsatthedesk.GIBBSgoestothedoor.

GIBBSWhatshallIdoaboutthebaby,sir?

ROOTEGetridofit.

GIBBSThemotherwouldhavetogowithit,sir.

ROOTEWhy?

GIBBSCan’tlivewithoutthemother.

ROOTE

Whynot?

GIBBSThemotherfeedsit.

ROOTEIknowthat!DoyouthinkI’manidiot?Mymotherfedme,didn’tshe?

GIBBSMinefedme.

ROOTEButminefedme!

Pause

Iremember.

Pause

Isn’tthereawetnurseinthehouse?Ifthere’sawetnurseinthehousethebabycangowiththewetnurseandthemothercanstayhere.

GIBBSThere’snowetnurseamongthestaff,sir.

ROOTEI should hope not. I’m thinking about the understaff, the kitchen staff, thecleaningstaff.Findout if there’sawetnurseamongtheunderstaffandget thethinginmotion.

GIBBSDon’tyouthinkthemothermightmissthebaby,sir?

ROOTEIwon’tmissit.Willyoumissit?

GIBBSNo,sir.Iwon’tmissit.

ROOTEThenwhyshouldthemothermissit?

Theystareateachother.Thereisaknackonthedoor.

ROOTEWhoisit?

CUTTSMe.

ROOTEGibbs,findthatfather.Comein!

EnterMISSCUTTS.

CUTTS(toGIBBS)Hullo.

GIBBSI’llkeepyouintouchwithdevelopments,sir.

ROOTEThat’sverythoughtfulofyou.

GIBBSgoesout.MISSCUTTSsitsonthesofa.ROOTErises,goestothesofaandsitsnexttoher.

ROOTEI’mexhausted.

CUTTSYouknow,Ithinkthatman’sfrightenedofme.

ROOTERubbish.

CUTTS

Heneverspeakstome.Heneversaysasinglewordtome.Andnotonlythat,henever…heneverlooksatme.IcanonlythinkImustfrightenhiminsomeway.

ROOTEWhatdoyoumean,neverspeakstoyou?He’sobligedtospeaktoyou.You’reworkingtogether,aren’tyou?

CUTTSOh yes, he talks shop to me. We discuss the patients, naturally. We werediscussing one of the patients… only yesterday. But he never speaks to mesocially.

ROOTEWhichpatient?

CUTTSOr do you think he’s takenwithme?Do you think that he just findsme tooattractivetolookat?

ROOTEWhichpatientwereyoudiscussing?

CUTTSButIcan’tsayIlikehim.He’ssocold.Oh,I likementobecold–butnotascoldasthat.Oh,no,he’smuchtoocold.Youknow,IthinkI’llaskhim.IthinkI’llaskhimwhetherhe’stakenwithmeorwhetherIfrightenhim.Imean,onemightaswellknow.

ROOTEDoyouknowwhatI’vejustheard?Oneofthepatientshasjusthadababy.

CUTTSAbaby?Buthow?

ROOTEAslargeaslife.Andundermyauspices.It’snothingshortofcriminal.

CUTTSButhowdidshemanageit?

ROOTEShehadanaccomplice.

CUTTSNo?Who?

ROOTEThat’swhatwe’vegottofindout.

CUTTSButwhichpatient?Whoisshe?

ROOTEIdon’tknowher.

MISSCUTTSleansback.

CUTTS(dreamily)Ibetshefeelsveryfemininenow.

ROOTE(vacantly,staringintospace)She’salwaysbeenfeminine.

CUTTSDoyouthinkI’mfeminineenough,darling?OrdoyouthinkIshouldbemorefeminine?

ROOTEisstillabstracted.

Darling.Youdon’tthinkI’mtoomasculine,doyou?Imean,youdon’tthinkIcouldgoevenfurther?Doyou?

ROOTE(absently,muttering)Yes,yeswhynot?

CUTTSYoudothinkIshouldbemorefeminine?

ROOTEWhat?

CUTTSButyoualwayssayI’mfeminineenough!

ROOTEYouarefeminineenough.

CUTTSThenifI’mfeminineenoughwhydoyouwantmetobemorefeminine?

ROOTEIdon’t,Idon’t.

CUTTSButyoujustsaidyoudid!

ROOTEIdon’t,Idon’t!

CUTTS(atagreatpace)BecauseitwouldbeawfulifyoureallythoughtthatIwaslettingyoudowninthemostimportantaspectoftherelationshipbetweenanymanandanywoman–

ROOTEYou’requitefeminineenough!!

Pause

CUTTSYoureallymeanit?

ROOTEYes.(Herunshishandthroughhishair.)I’vehadthemostwearingmorning.Ontopofeverythingelseoneofthepatientshasdied.

CUTTS

Died?

ROOTEDead.

CUTTSOhmypoorsweet,andI’vebeennastytoyou.

Shekisseshim.

Letmemassageyou.Comeintothebedroom.Letmedoyourneck.

ROOTEYes.Domyneck.

Theygointothebedroom.Thelightsgodownontheoffice.Theygouponthesittingroom.

GIBBSenters.Hesitsat the lowtable, takesout a pack of cards and begins toplaypatience,verydeliberately.LUSHappearsattheheadofthestairwayanddescends.Suddenlyalongsighisheard,amplified.LUSHstops.GIBBS,abouttoplaceacard,stops.Alongkeenisheard,amplified.LUSHlooksup.GIBBS,cardinhand,looksup.Alaughisheard,amplified,dyingaway.Silence.LUSHdescendsthesteps,enterstheroom.

LUSHHullo,Charlie.

Heclosesthedoorandcomes to the table.GIBBS,afteraglanceathim,placesanothercard.LUSH,inspectsthestateofthegame.GIBBSscattersthecards.

How’s tricks,Charlie? (Pause.)What you been doingwith yourself? (Pause.)Mmnn?(Pause.)HavinganiceChristmas?

GIBBSWhatdoyouwant?

LUSHWhatdoyouthinkoftheweather?

GIBBScollectsthecardsandputsthemintoacardcase.

GIBBSYouwantsomething.Whatisit?

LUSHIdon’twantanything,Gibbs.I’vegotsomethingtoreport,that’sall.

GIBBSWhatisit?

LUSHDon’tgettense,Gibbs.Afterall,we’reallbuddies,aren’twe?We’reallinthegametogether.

GIBBSYouwanttoreportsomething.Whatisit?

LUSHActuallyIwanttoaskyousomethingfirst.

GIBBSWhat?

LUSHHow’s6459gettingon?

Pause

GIBBSYouwanttoreportsomething.Whatisit?

LUSHIhearshe’sgivenbirth.

GIBBS

It’snoneofyourbusiness.

LUSHOh,we’reallconcerned,youknow.We’reallconcerned.

GIBBSListen, Lush. I’m not prepared to have any kind of conversation with youwhatsoever.Ifyou’vegotsomethingtoreportreportitanddon’tmakeafoolofyourself.

LUSHAreyouthefather,Gibbs?

GIBBSsitsbackandfoldshisarms.

LUSHOrtheoldman.Istheoldmanthefather?

LUSHsits.

Who’sgoingtocarrythecan?MissCutts?Doyouthinkshe’sthefather?We’reallterriblyexcited,youknow.Can’tthinkwhattocallit.Thekid’sgottohaveaname, after all.What do you think yourself? I think something that’ll remindhim of this establishment when he grows up, don’t you? His birth place. Ofcourse,itdependsonthefather’sname,doesn’tit?Imean,thefathermightliketheboytobenamedafterhim.Youknow,ifthefather’snamewasJohnthentheboywouldbenamedJohntoo.DoyouseewhatImean?Thesamenameasthefather.

GIBBSYou know, Lush, I don’t know how you’ve lasted here. You’re incompetent,you’re unwholesome and you’re offensive. You’re the most totally bloodyuselessbuggerI’veevercomeacross.

LUSHIcanseeyou’reinoneofyourmoodstoday,Gibbs,soIsupposeI’dbetterreporttoyouwhatIcametoreporttoyou.

GIBBS

Whatisit?

LUSHThemotherof6457cametoseemetoday.

GIBBSThemotherof6457?

LUSHYes,youknow.Theonewhodied.HediedlastThursday.Fromheartfailure.

GIBBSHismother?

LUSHYes.

GIBBSHowdidshegetin?

LUSHThat’swhatbaffledme.Itdid.Itquitebaffledme.Howonearthdidshegetin?Iwondered. How did she do it? Why wasn’t she stopped? Why did no-onedemandher credentials? It baffledme.Then – in a flash! – the answer came.She’d been hiding all night in the shrubbery, waiting for Tubb to leave hiscubby-holeandtakealeak,whicheventuallyhedid,andthenshejustdartedin,likeashotoffashovel.Simple.Wereallytendtooverlookthesimplecunningofthesimple.Wouldyoulikeherdescription?

GIBBSNo.Whatdidshewant?

LUSHShewanted to knowhowher sonwas getting on. She said thatwhenher soncamehereshewastoldheneededpeaceandexpertattentionandthatshewouldbehearingfromusinduecourse,andthatinfactitwasnowayearsinceshehadseenhimandshewantedtoknowhowhewasgettingon.

GIBBS

Whatdidyousay?

LUSHIsaid–Ayear?Youhaven’tseenhimforayear?Butthat’sridiculous.Didn’tyou come down for Mother’s Day, or Thanksgiving Day, or for the annualsummerpicnic forpatients, staff, relativesand friends?Weren’tyou invited totheHalloween Feast, theMayDance, theOctoberRevival, theOldBoys andGirls supper and social? Dancing on the lawn, cold buffets on the flat roof,midnightcroquet,barbecuedboarbythelake?Noneofthis?Ineverknewaboutit, she said.What! I said. The autumn art exhibition, the monthly concert oforchestralmusicinthebandroom,thehalf-yearlydebateonaselectedtopic,heldtraditionally in the men’s changing room? The pageant? The unveiling? TheFestivalofOne-ActPlays, judgedbyMissDaisyCutts,L.R.M.B.,A.C.A.,ourdramatic instructor? You came down, I said, for none of these activities andceremonies throughwhichwe from time immemorial engage and channel ourpatients’energies?Ohdear,shesaid,Iwasnevertold.Obviouslyaclericalerror,Isaid,Ishallhaveitlookedinto.But,Isaid,itisashamethatyouhaven’tseenhim,sinceheisnowdepartedfromus.

GIBBSWhat!

LUSHHewasmovedsometimeago,Isaid,toaconvalescenthome.ButIthoughtthiswas a convalescent home, said 6457’s mother. (He laughs.) Silly woman. Aconvalescenthome?Icountered,no,no,no,notatall,notatall,whatevergaveyouthatidea?Thisisaresthome.Oh,said6457’smother.Isee.Well,wasn’thegettingenoughrestherethattheyhadtosendhimtoaconvalescenthome?Ah,Mrs6457,Isaid,it’snotquitesosimpleasthat.It’snotquitesosimpleasthat.Inaresthome,yousee,youdonotmerelyrest.Nor,inaconvalescenthome,doyoumerelyconvalesce.No,no,inbothinstitutions,yousee,youareobligedtowork and play and join in daily communal activity to the greatest possibleextent. Otherwise the concepts of rest and convalescence are renderedmeaningless. Don’t for a moment either imagine that the terms rest andconvalescencearesynonymous.No,no,no,no.Theyrepresent,yousee,stages.Sometimes one must rest first and then convalesce. Sometimes the reverse.Either course, of course, is only decided after the best interests of the patienthavebeentakenintoaccount.So,Icontinued,youcanrestassuredthatifyour

sonwasmovedfromheretoanotherplaceitwasinhisbestinterests,andonlyafterthemostextensiveresearchintohiscase,thewealthandweightofalltheexpert opinion in this establishment,where some of the leading brains in thiscountryareconcentrated;afteraworldoftime,care,gatheringandaccumulatingofmass uponmass uponmass of relevant evidence, document, affidavit, taperecordings, played both backwards and forwards, deep into the depth of thenight; hours of time, attention to the most minute detail, unstinting labour,unflagging effort, scrupulous attachment to thematter in hand andmeticulousexaminationof all aspects of thequestionhaddetermined the surest andmostbeneficialcourseyourson’scasemighttake.Theconclusion,afterthissupremeexample of applied dedication,was to send your son to a convalescent home,wherewearesurehewillbecontent.

Pause

I alsopointedout thatwehadcarteblanche from theMinistry. She leftmuchmovedbymyrecital.

Pause

GIBBSThankyouforyourreport,Mr.Lush.

LUSHNocongratulations?

GIBBSconsultshiswatchandgoestotheinternaltelephone.

GIBBSWillyouexcuseme?

LUSHI’llexcuseyouforthetimebeing,Gibbs.

Hegoesout.

GIBBS(intothephone)22,please.(Pause.)Sir?Gibbshere.I’dliketospeakwithMissCutts,ifImay,

with reference to thatmatter wewere discussing earlier. Thank you. (Pause.)MissCutts? I believe you know aman calledLamb.He’s on the staff.Yes. Iwould be obliged if you would collect him and bring him to number oneinterviewingroom.WhenIjoinyou,perhapsyouwouldbesokindastogoto1Acontrolroom.Ishallbegladofyourparticipation.Thankyou.

Hereplacesthereceiver,andleavestheroom.Thelightsfadeonthesittingroom.Thelightsgouponthe.leftstagearea,includingthestairway.MISS CUTTS, followed by LAMB, appears at the foot of the stairway. Theyascend.MISSCUTTSiswearingawhitecoat.

LAMBButwhatdoyouthinkit’sallabout?Imean,hewantedtoseemeparticularly,didhe?

CUTTSOhyes.Particularly.

LAMB(stopping)Buthedidn’tsaywhy?

CUTTSNo.

LAMBYouknow,Idon’tknowwhy,butassoonasyousaid‘MrGibbswants toseeyou,’Ifeltanextraordinaryuplift.Isn’titamazing?Really,Ifeltuplifted.Istilldo,Imustsay…

Theygooutofsight.Thelightscomeuponthesound-proofroom.MISSCUTTSandLAMBenterthesound-proofroom.

It’sverycurious,Iknow,butIreallyfeelit’s…significant.Imean,whyshouldIsuddenlyfeeluplifted…Youknow,Ican’thelpthinking,Iknowit’sverysillyofme,butIcan’thelpthinkingthisissomethingtodowithmypromotion.Doyouthinkhe’sreadmyschemes?Imean,whyelsewouldhesendformewhenI

wasonduty?

GIBBSenterstheroomfromanotherdoor.Hewearsawhitecoat.

CUTTSMrGibbs,haveyoumetMrLamb?

GIBBSHowdoyoudo?

LAMBHowdoyoudo?

CUTTSWouldyouexcusemeaminute,please?

Sheleavestheroombytheotherdoor.

GIBBSWouldyoutakeaseat,MrLamb?

LAMBThisone?

GIBBSYes,thisone.

LAMBsits.

GIBBSI’mdelightedtomeetyou.

LAMBThank you. Imust say I’ve always enjoyedmywork here tremendously… Imean,youreallyget thefeelinghere thatsomething… important isgoingon,somethingreallyvaluable,andtobeassociatedwithitinanywaycan’tbeseeninanyotherlightthanasaprivilege.

GIBBS

That’saveryhearteningattitude.

LAMBOh,Ireallymeanit,quitesincerely.

GIBBSGood.I’veheardagreatdealaboutyou,youknow.

LAMBReally?

GIBBSYes,there’squitealotI’dliketotalktoyouabout,whenwehavethetime.ButinthemeanwhileIwonder…ifyou’dgivemeahelpinghand?

LAMBI’dbequitedelighted!

GIBBSThat’sthespirit!(Withnoundueemphasis.)MissCutts,couldyoucomedown,please?

LAMBWhatdidyousay?

GIBBSIbegyourpardon?

LAMBDidyouspeaktoMissCuttsjustnow?

GIBBSYes,Iaskedhertocomedown.

LAMBButwherefrom?

GIBBS

Fromroom1A.

LAMBButdidshehearyou?

GIBBSOhyes.

LAMBHow?

GIBBS(pointing)Thatmike.It’sjustbeenswitchedon.

LAMB(laughing)Oh,Isee.

Pause

Curiouskindofroom,isn’tit?

GIBBSIt’sasound-proofroom.

EnterMISSCUTTS.

Ah,MissCutts.Now,Lamb,whatI’dlikeisforyoutohelpuswithsomelittletests.Willyoudothat?

LAMBTests?I’dbedelighted.That’swhatIhopedI’dbedoingwhenIfirstcamedownhere.

GIBBSReally?Good.

LAMBWhatkindoftestsarethey?

GIBBSExperiments.

LAMBOh,Isee.

GIBBSWell,wehaveaverywillingsubject,MissCutts.

CUTTSWedo.

GIBBSOhbytheway,Lamb,MerryChristmas.

LAMBThanks.MerryChristmastoyou.Andtoyou,MissCutts.

CUTTSThankyou.Andtoyou.(ToGIBBS.)Andtoyoutoo.

GIBBSAndtoyou.(Briskly.)Now–perhapsyouwouldfittheelectrodestoMr.Lamb’swrists.

LAMBElectrodes?

GIBBSYes.

CUTTSCouldIhaveyourhand,Mr.Lamb?

MISSCUTTSbringsanelectrodefromherpocketandattachesittoLAMB’swrist.

CUTTSNowtheotherone.

Sheattachesasecondelectrode.

LAMBWhatarethey…exactly?

GIBBSThey’reelectric.Youdon’tfeelanything,ofcourse.Bestthingtodoisforgetallaboutthem.

CUTTSNowI’mgoingtoplugin.

Shebendsatthewall,where,throughahole,threeleadsprotrude.ShepicksuptwoandreturnstoLAMB.

GIBBSNowshe’sgoingtoplugin.Youseethelittlesocketoneachofthoseelectrodes?They’refortheplug.(HewatchesMISSCUTTSplugin.)That’sright.FirstpluginA,thenpluginB.Right.Nowyou’repluggedin.

LAMBOh,you’ve…gottobepluggedin,haveyou?

GIBBS(withachuckle)Ohyes,gottobepluggedin.Theleadsgorightthroughthewallanduptothecontrolroom,yousee.We’repluggedintheotherend.

LAMBYou?

GIBBS(laughing)No,no,notme.You.Intothereceivingset.

LAMBOh,Isee.Whatarethese…whataretheseelectrodesfor,exactly?

GIBBSTheymeasureelectricalpotentialontheskin.

LAMBOh.

GIBBSEngenderedbyneuralactivity,ofcourse.

LAMBOh,ofcourse.

GIBBSElectricalimpulses,inaword.Youcanimaginehowimportanttheyareandyethowlittleweknowaboutthem.Right.Nowtheearphones.

MISSCUTTSstoops,picksuptheearphones,attachesthemtoLAMB’shead.

LAMBEarphones?

GIBBSYes, same principle. Plugged in at the socket on your head, plugged in at theother end in our control room. (Cheeringly.) Don’t worry, they’re nice longleads,allofthem.Plentyofleeway.Nodangerofstrangulation.

LAMB(laughing)Ohyes.Good.

GIBBSBytheway,yourpredecessorusedtogiveusahelpinghandoccasionally,too,youknow.Beforeyoucame,ofcourse.

LAMBMypredecessor?

CUTTSCouldyoujustkeepstillasecond,MrLamb,whileIplugintheearphones?

LAMBisstill.Sheplugs.

Thankyou.

GIBBSComfortable?

LAMBYes,thankyou.Mypredecessor,didyousay?

GIBBSYes,thechapyoutookoverfrom.

LAMBOh!Didhereally?Oh,good.I’veoftenwonderedwhathe…did,exactly.Ohgood,I’m…gladI’mfollowinginatradition.

Theyallchuckle.

Haveyouanyideawhereheisnow?

GIBBSNo,Idon’t thinkIdoknowwhereheisnow.Doyouknowwhereheis,MissCutts?

CUTTSNo,I’mafraidIdon’t.

GIBBSNo,I’mafraidwedon’treallyknow.He’snothere,anyway.That’scertain.NowwhatIwantyoutodoistositperfectlystill.Relaxcompletely.Don’tthinkaboutathing.That’sright.Nowyouseethat lightupthere.Ignoreit. Itmightgoonandoffatregularorirregularintervals.Takenonotice.Sitperfectlystill.Quitecomfortable?

LAMBYes,thanks.

GIBBSJollygood.Don’tgotosleep,willyou?We’reawfullygratefultoyou,oldchap,forhelpingus.

LAMBIt’sapleasure.

GIBBSplaceshishandbrieflyonLAMB’sshoulder.MISSCUTTSandGIBBSgoout.LAMBsits.Silence.Heshifts,concentrates.Thelight,which isred, flicksonandoff.Silence.SuddenlyLAMBjoltsrigid,hishandsgotohisearphones,heispropelledfrom the chair, falls to his knees, twisting from side to side, still clutching hisearphones,emittinghighpitchedcries.

Hesuddenlystopsstill.

Theredlightisstillflickering.Helooksup.Hesitsinthechair,emitsashortchuckle.Theredlightstops.

ThevoiceofMISSCUTTSisheard.

CUTTSWouldyousayyouwereanexcitableperson?

LAMBlooksup.

LAMBNot…notunduly,no.

ThevoiceofGIBBSisheard.

GIBBSWouldyousayyouwereamoodyperson?

LAMBMoody?No,Iwouldn’tsayIwasmoody–well,sometimesoccasionallyI–

CUTTSDoyouevergetfitsofdepression?

LAMB

Well,Iwouldn’tcallthemdepression,exactly–

GIBBSWouldyousayyouwereasociableperson?

LAMBWell,that’snotaveryeasyquestiontoanswer,really.Itry,Icertainlytrytobesociable, Imean I think it should be the aim of any one interested in humannaturetotrytomix,tobetterhisunderstandingofit.I–

CUTTSDo you find yourself unaccountably happy one moment and unaccountablyunhappythenext?

LAMBIt’sstrangeyoushouldsaythatbecause–

GIBBSDoyouoftendothingswhichyouregretinthemorning?

LAMBRegret? Things I regret? Well, it depends what you mean by often, really. Imean,whenyousayoften–

CUTTSAreyouoftenpuzzledbywomen?

LAMBWomen?

GIBBSMen.

LAMBMen?Well,Iwasjustgoingtoanswerthequestionaboutwomen–

GIBBSDoyouoftenfeelpuzzled?

LAMBPuzzled?

GIBBSBywomen.

LAMBWomen?

CUTTSMen.

LAMBUh–nowjustaminute,I…doyouwantseparateanswersorajointanswer?

CUTTSAfteryourday’swork,doyoueverfeeltired,edgy?

GIBBSFretty?

CUTTSIrritable?

GIBBSAtalooseend?

CUTTSMorose?

GIBBSFrustrated?

CUTTSMorbid?

GIBBSUnabletoconcentrate?

CUTTS

Unabletosleep?

GIBBSUnabletoeat?

CUTTSUnabletoremainseated?

GIBBSUnabletostandupright?

CUTTSLustful?

GIBBSIndolent?

CUTTSOnheat?

GIBBSRandy?

CUTTSFullofdesire?

GIBBSFullofenergy?

CUTTSFullofdread?

GIBBSDrained?

CUTTSOfenergy?

GIBBS

Ofdread?

CUTTSOfdesire?

Pause

LAMBWell,it’sdifficulttosay,really–

LAMB joltsrigid,hishandsgo tohisearphones,he ispropelled fromthe chair,falls to his knees, twisting from side to side, still clutching his earphones,emittinghighpitchedcries.Theredlightflicksonandoff.

Hesuddenlystopsstill.

Theredlightisstillflickering.Helooksup.Hesitsinthechair,emitsashortchuckle.Theredlightstops.

CUTTSAreyouvirgointacta?

LAMBWhat?

CUTTSAreyouvirgointacta?

LAMBOh,Isay,that’sratherembarrassing.Imean,infrontofalady—

CUTTSAreyouvirgointacta?

LAMBYes,Iam,actually.I’llmakenosecretofit.

CUTTS

Haveyoualwaysbeenvirgointacta?

LAMBOhyes,always.Always.

CUTTSFromthewordgo?

LAMBGo?Ohyes.Fromthewordgo.

GIBBSWhatisthelawoftheWolfCubPack?

LAMBThecubgivesintotheOldWolf,thecubdoesnotgiveintohimself.

GIBBSWhenyouwereaboyscoutwereyoumostproficientatsomersault,knots,leapfrog,hopping,skipping,balancing,cleanliness,recitationorballgames?

LAMBWell,actually,Ineverbecameaboyscoutproper.Iwasawolfcub,ofcourse,butIneverbecameaboyscout.Idon’tknowwhy,actually.I’veforgotten…tobefrank.ButIwasacub.

CUTTSDowomenfrightenyou?

GIBBSTheirclothes?

CUTTSTheirshoes?

GIBBSTheirvoices?

CUTTS

Theirlaughter?

GIBBSTheirstares?

CUTTSTheirwayofwalking?

GIBBSTheirwayofsitting?

CUTTSTheirwayofsmiling?

GIBBSTheirwayoftalking?

CUTTSTheirmouths?

GIBBSTheirhands?

CUTTSTheirlegs?

GIBBSTheirteeth?

CUTTSTheirshins?

GIBBSTheircheeks?

CUTTSTheirears?

GIBBSTheircalves?

CUTTSTheirarms?

GIBBSTheirtoes?

CUTTSTheireyes?

GIBBSTheirknees?

CUTTSTheirthighs?

Pause

LAMBWell,itdependswhatyoumeanbyfrighten–

GIBBSDoyoueverwakeupinthemiddleofthenight?

LAMBSometimes,yes,foraglassofwater.

GIBBSDo you ever fed you would like to join a group of people in which groupcommonassumptionsaresharedandcommonprinciplesobserved?

LAMBWell,Iamamemberofsuchagroup,here,inthisestablishment.

GIBBSWhichestablishment?

LAMBThisone.

GIBBSWhichestablishment?

LAMBThisone.

GIBBSYouareamemberofthisestablishment?

LAMBOfcourse.

Silence

(Lookingup.)Mmnn?

Anymorequestions?

I’mquitereadyforanotherquestion.

I’mquiteready.

I’mratherenjoyingthis,youknow.

Oh,bytheway,whatwasthatextraordinarysound?

Itgavemequiteastart,Imustadmit.

Areyouallrightupthere?

Youhaven’tfinishedyourquestions,haveyou?

I’mreadywheneveryouare.

Silence

LAMBsits.Theredlightbeginstoflickonandoff.LAMBlooksup,staresatit.Weheartheloudclickofaswitchfromthecontrolroom.Themicrophoneintheroomhasbeenswitchedoff.Theredlightgraduallygrowsinstrength,untilitconsumestheroom.LAMBsitsstill.

Curtain

ACTTWO

ROOTE’Soffice.Night.ROOTEisathisdesk,examiningsomepapers.LUSHisatthewindow,lookingout.

ROOTE(withoutlookingup)Whatareyoulookingat,Lush?

LUSHTheyard,sir.

ROOTEAnyoneabout?

LUSHNotasoul.

ROOTEWhat’stheweatherlike?

LUSHThesnowhasturnedtoslush.

ROOTEAh.

Pause

Hasthewindgotup?

LUSHNo.Nowindatall.

ROOTEturnsapage.

ROOTE(muttering)Nowind,eh?(Heexaminesthepage,thenslamsitontothedesk.)Ican’treadawordof this! It’s indecipherable.What’s thematterwith thismanHogg?Whycan’t he type his reports out like everyone else? I can’t read thiswriting. It’sunreadable.

LUSHHistypewriter’soutofaction,sir.

ROOTEWhat’sthematterwithit?

LUSHItseemstohavegotstuck,sir.

ROOTEStuck?

LUSHItjustwon’tmoveatall.

ROOTEWell,theremustbeanobstaclesomewhere,orsomething.

LUSHItlookedlikerusttome.

ROOTERust?Whatareyou talkingabout? It’sabrandnew typewriter. It’s aMinistrytypewriter.WehadawholecartloadsentdownfromtheMinistry–whenwasit?–acoupleofmonthsago.Brandnew.I’vestillgottheinvoicesomewhere.Rust.Neverheardsuchrubbish.Anyway,Ican’tsithereallnighttryingtoworkthisout. (He puts the papers in a drawer, goes to the drinks cabinet, takes out abottleofwhiskyandpourshimselfadrink.)I’vehadenoughthisweek.Ineverleavethisdesk,doyouknowthat?Sunuptosundown.Dayindayout.It’sthepriceyouhavetopayforbeingincommand,forbeingresponsibleforthewholeshoot.AsIam.Thewholedamnshoot.(Hedrinks.)

LUSHwalkstothecabinet,collectsaglassandpourshimselfadrink.

LUSHYoudoleavethisdeskquiteoften,though,don’tyou,sir?

ROOTEWhat?

LUSHIsay,inpointoffact,youdoleavethisdeskquiteoften,don’tyou?

ROOTEWhen?

LUSHWhenyougoandvisitthepatients,forinstance.

ROOTEThat’spurelyinthelineofduty.It’snotrelaxation.Imeantrelaxation.Iwasn’ttalkingaboutthelineofduty.

LUSHOh.

ROOTEAnyway,I’vegivenupvisitingthepatients.It’snotworthit.

Awasteofenergy.

LUSHWhatanextraordinarythingtosay,MrRoote.

ROOTEDon’tMrRooteme.

LUSHButIneverexpectedtohearyousayathinglikethat,MrRoote.

ROOTEIsaiddon’tMrRooteme!

LUSHButIalwaysunderstoodthatyoulookeduponvisitstothepatientsfromtheheadofthisestablishmentasoneofthemostimportantfeaturesintherunningofthisestablishment…Mr.Roote.

ROOTEListen!Igiveyouleeway.Butdon’tthinkIgiveyouthatmuchleeway.

LUSHNo,sir.

ROOTEDon’tthinkIcan’tsquashyouonaplateaseasyaslookatyou.

LUSHYes,sir.

ROOTEAseasyaslookatyou,Lush.

LUSHQuite,sir.

ROOTESodon’tgivemeanymorelip,youunderstandme?Otherwiseyou’reliabletofindyourselfintrouble.

LUSHYouknowIharbournoillusionsaboutmyposition,Colonel.

ROOTEDon’tcallmeColonel!

LUSHButyouwereaColonelonce,weren’tyou,Colonel?

ROOTEIwas.Andabloodygoodonetoo.

LUSHIfImaysayso,youstillpossessconsiderablemilitarybearing.

ROOTEReally?

LUSHOhyes.

ROOTEWell,it’snotsurprising.

LUSHAndtheabilitytobealwaysonethoughtaheadofthenextman.

ROOTEIt’samilitarycharacteristic.

LUSHReally?

ROOTEOhyes.Ofcourse,someofthemaren’tverybright,Imustadmit.

LUSHWho?

ROOTEMilitarymen.

LUSHReally?I’msorrytohearthat.

ROOTEYes, some of them tend to let the side down.They’ve got no foresight, that’swhat it is. They can’t think clearly. They’ve got no vision. Vision’s veryimportant.

LUSH

Youmusthavebeenquiteauniquekindofman,sir,inyourregiment.

ROOTEYes,wellI…Whatdoyoumean?

LUSHTheageofthespecialistisdead.

ROOTEWhat?

LUSHTheageofthespecialistisdead.

ROOTEOh.Dead.Yes.

LUSHThat’swhy I sayyoumusthavebeenquiteauniquekindofman, sir, inyourregiment,beingsuchanall-roundman.

ROOTEYes,yes,there’ssomethinginthat.

Heperchesonthedesk.

LUSHImean,notonlyareyouascientist,butyouhaveliteraryability,musicalability,knowledgeofmostschoolsofphilosophy,philology,photography,anthropology,cosmology,theology,phytology,phytonomy,phytotomy–

ROOTEOh,no,no,notphytotomy.

LUSHNotphytotomy?

ROOTE

Iwasalwaysmeaningtogetroundtophytotomy,ofcourse,but…well,I’vehadsomanyotherthingstothinkabout.

LUSHNaturally.

ROOTEButanyway,onceyouknowsomethingaboutphytonomyyou’rehalfwaythere.

LUSHHalfwaywhere,sir?

ROOTETophytotomy!

Pause

Giveusadrink.

LUSHfillstheglasses.

LUSHWhyhaveyougivenupvisitingthepatients?

ROOTEI’vegivenup,that’sall.

LUSHButIthoughtyouweregettingresults?

ROOTE(staringathim)Cheers.

LUSHWeren’tyougettingresults?

ROOTE(staringathim)Drinkyourwhisky.

LUSHBut surely you achieved results with one patient very recently.Whatwas thenumber?6459,Ithink.

ROOTEthrowshiswhiskyinLUSH’sface.LUSHwipeshisface.

LUSHLetme fillyouup. (HetakesROOTE’sglass,pours,brings theglass toROOTE,givesittohim.)Yes,quiteasubstantialresult,Ishouldhavethought.

ROOTEthrowshiswhiskyinLUSH’sface.LUSHwipeshisface.LUSHtakesROOTE’sglass,pours,bringstheglasstoROOTE,givesittohim.

ButperhapsI’mthinkingof6457.

LUSHgrabsROOTE’sglassandholds itabovehishead,withhisown.Slowlyhelowershisown.

Cheers.

Hedrinks,andthengivesROOTEhisglass.

ROOTE(takingtheglass,inalowvoice)You’reneglectingtocallmesir,Lush.You’resupposedtocallmesirwhenyouaddressme.

Pause

ROOTEsuddenlytakesoffhisjacket,hangsitonthebackofhischairandsits.

God,theheatofthisplace.It’sdamnhot,isn’tit?It’slikeacrematoriuminhere.Whyisitsuddenlysohot?

LUSHThesnowhasturnedtoslush,sir.

ROOTEHasit?

LUSHVerydangerous.

ROOTEIt’saheatwave,that’swhatitis.(Aknockonthedoor.)Whoisit?

EnterGIBBS.

Ohno,whatisit?Businessatthishour?Yousitdowntohaveaquietdrinkandwhathappens?

GIBBSIhavesomethingtoreport,sir.

ROOTEWhat?(GIBBSlooksatLUSH.)Oh,nevermindabouthim!Whatisit?

GIBBSIdon’tapproveofdivulgingofficialsecretstoallandsundry,sir.

ROOTEIknowyoudon’t approve! Idon’t approve!Nobodyapproves!Butyou’venoalternative,haveyou?

GIBBSMrLushcouldleavetheroom,sir.

ROOTEGoodGod,whatanimpertinence!Theman’smyguest,doyouunderstandthat?Whichismorethanyoubloodywellare!I’veneverheardofsuchathinginallmylife.Hebargesinhereandtellsmetochuckmyownguestoutoftheroom.Whodoyouthinkyouare?

Pause

(ToLUSH.)Hegetsonmywicksometimes–doesn’theyou?

GIBBSI…apologise,sir,ifIhavebeenpresumptuous.

ROOTEWell,what’syourbusiness?

GIBBSThefatherhasbeenfound.

ROOTENo?

GIBBSFound.

ROOTE(rising)Found?Sosoon?Insoshortaspaceoftime?JiminyCricket,that’squickwork,Gibbs!(Hestands,shakeshandswithGIBBS.)Absolutelyfirstclass! (HemovestoLUSH.)Whatdoyouthinkofthat,eh,forabitofquickwork?

LUSHRemarkable.

ROOTEYouseethewayItrainmystaff?Alacrity!Firstandforemost,alacrity!Getonwithit,don’tmuckabout,don’tdither,pickyourmanandpinhimtothewall.Letyournosedoyourthinkingforyouandyouwon’tgofarwrong.That’swhatwe try to do here, cultivate the habit of split second decisions. Right? Right,Gibbs?

GIBBSQuite,sir.

ROOTERight,Lush?

LUSHQuite,sir.

ROOTE

Anditneverfails.I’mpleasedwithyou,Gibbs.Whoishe?

GIBBSAmancalledLamb,sir.

ROOTENeverheardofhim.

ROOTEsits,poursadrinkanddrinks.

LUSH

Lamb?SurelynotLornaLamb?LornaLambinthedispensarydepartment?

ROOTEAman,notawoman,youbloodyfool!

LUSHOh,I’msosorry,Ididn’tquite…Whatexactlyhasthispersondone?

Pause

ROOTETellhimwhatthispersonhasdone,MrGibbs.

GIBBSAchildhasbeenborn tooneof thepatients. Itwasconsideredamatterof thefirstimportancetolocatethefather.Thishasnowbeendone.

ROOTELamb?Whothehell’sLamb?DoIknowhim?

GIBBSIthinkitdoubtfulthatyou’veevermethim,sir.

ROOTEIdon’tevenknowwhathelookslike.ArapistonmyownstaffandIdon’tknowwhathelookslike!

LUSHWasitrape?

ROOTEOfcourseitwasrape.Youdon’tthinkthatsortofthinghappensbyconsent,doyou?

GIBBSHe’snotaveryimportantmemberofyourstaff,sir.

ROOTEWell,ifhe’snotimportanthowdidhegetintothepatient’sroom?YouknowaswellasIdothatonlyaveryselecthandfulof thepersonnelareallowedinthepatients’rooms.Howdidhegetin?

GIBBSHeteststhelocks,sir,ofalltheroomsinthebuilding.Eitherthisparticularlockwas…notlocked,orheforcedit.

ROOTEIt’sunbelievable,isn’tit,Lush,thethingsthatgoon?

LUSHItalmostis,sir.

ROOTEThe sabotage that goes on, under your very nose. Open the window. I’msuffocating.(LUSHopensthewindow.)Isthatradiatorhot?

LUSHbendstotheradiatorandtouchesit.

LUSHScalding,sir.

ROOTEThat’swhyI’msohot.

LUSHThenightiswarm,MrRoote.Thesnowhasturnedtoslush.

ROOTEThat’saboutthefifthtimeyou’vesaidthesnowhasturnedtoslush!

GIBBSIt’squitetrue,sir.Inoticeditmyself.

ROOTEI don’t carewhether it’s true or not. I don’t like to have a thing repeated andrepeatedandrepeated!AnyonewouldthinkIwasslowontheuptake.Thesnowhasturnedtoslush.Iheardit.Iunderstandit.That’senough.

Hepoursadrink,drinks.

YouthinkI’mpastmyjob,doyou?YouthinkI’mabitslow?Don’tyoubelieveit.I’masquickasapython.

LUSHAnadder.

ROOTEWhat?

LUSHAnadder.

ROOTEWhatdoyoumean,anadder?

GIBBSDoyouthinkIdeservealittletippleofwhisky,sir?

ROOTEGoodGod,Gibbs is being jocular.Didyouhear that,Lush?He’s justmade apleasantry.Didn’tyou,son?Oh,that’sbetter.Icanfeeladraught.Seeifyoucanturnthatradiatoroff.Ifwecan’tturnitoffherewe’llhavetogetholdofTubbandtellhimtoturnitoffatthemains.

LUSHbendstotheradiator.

Well?

LUSHItwon’tbudge.It’sstiff.

ROOTEIt’llhavetobeturnedoffatthemains.

LUSHIt’saverycoldbuilding,sir,it’sperishingontheupperfloors.

ROOTEItellyouit’stoobloodyhotandthedamnedheating’sgottogooff!Who’sthebosshere,forChrist’ssake,youorme?

LUSHNotme.

ROOTEIdotentimesasmuchworkasthewholelotofyouputtogether.Ideserveabitofcomfort,abitofconsideration.Theheatingwillhavetobeturnedoff!Everysinglepipeof it.That’swhat causes the laxity, the skiving, the inefficiency inthisplace.It’soverheated!Alwayshasbeen.(ToGIBBS.)What’sthematterwithyou, standing there like a tit in a trance?Tip the bottle, for the love ofMike.Deservedorundeserved.

GIBBSpourshimselfaglassofwhisky.

Whatdoyoumean,youdeserveit,anyway?Youdeservenothing.

GIBBSImeantforlocatingthefather,sir.

ROOTEYoudeservenothing.Eitherofyou.You’vegotajobtodo.Doit.Youwon’tgetanytulipsfromme.Comeon,fillitup,we’lldrinkatoast.Gotyours,Lush?

LUSH

Justaminute.

LUSHpoursaglassofwhisky.

ROOTE(solemnly)I’dliketodrinkatoast.

LUSHTowhom,sir?

ROOTEI’dliketodrinkatoast,gentlemen,toourgloriousdead.

LUSHWhichonesarethey,sir?

ROOTEThechapswhodiedforusinthefieldofaction.

LUSHOhyes.

ROOTEThemenwhogavetheirlivessothatwemightlive.Whosacrificedthemselvessothatwemightcontinue.Whohelpedkeeptheworldcleanforthegenerationsto come.Themenwhodied in our name.Let us drink to them.After all, it’sChristmas.Couldn’tbemoreappropriate.

LUSHMyglassisready,sir.

ROOTEIsyoursready,Gibbs?

GIBBSItis.

ROOTEGentlemen,Igiveyouatoast.Toourgloriousdead.(Rising.)

GIBBSandLUSHToourgloriousdead.

Theydrink.

ROOTEArapistonmyownstaffand Idon’tknowwhathe looks like. It’s ridiculous.Whatsortofmanishe?

GIBBSLamb,sir?Nondescript.

ROOTETall?

GIBBSNo,sir.Small.

LUSHTall.

GIBBSSmall.

Pause

ROOTEDoyouknowhim,Lush?

LUSHI’veseenhim.

ROOTEIshefat?

GIBBSThin,sir.

LUSHFat.

GIBBSThin.

Pause

ROOTEBrowneyes?

GIBBSBlue,sir.

LUSHBrown.

GIBBSBlue.

Pause

ROOTECurlyhair?

GIBBSandLUSHeyeeachother.

LUSHStraight,sir.

GIBBSCurly.

LUSHStraight.

Pause

ROOTE

Whatcolourteeth?

GIBBSLemon,sir.

LUSHNigger.

GIBBSLemon.

LUSHNigger.

Pause

ROOTEAnyspecialpeculiarities?

GIBBSNone.

LUSHOne.

GIBBSNone.

Pause

ROOTEThesedescriptionsdon’ttally.Nexttimebringmeaphotograph.Oryou’vegotacine-camera.Youcoulddevoteahalfhourfilmtotheman.Adocumentary–foreducationalpurposes. It’s still stifling inhere.We’llhave togetholdofTubb.It’suncommonlywarminhereforthistimeoftheyear,isn’tit?

LUSHIt’swarmouttoo.Thesnowhasturnedtoslush.

ROOTEturns,expostulating.

GIBBSShallIcallTubbontheintercom,sir?

LUSHItriedtheintercombefore.Itsoundedabitcloggedup.

ROOTECloggedup?What’sthematterwiththisplace?Everything’scloggedup,bungedup, stuffedup,buggeredup.Thewhole thing’s runningdownhill. Idon’t likethelookofit.Let’ssee.

Heswitchesontheintercomonhisdeskandsits.Avoiceisheard.

VOICENumber84.Aduck.Who’sgot ticketnumber84?Aduck ready for theoven.No-one?Unclaimed,Fred.Nextonecomingup.Ticketnumber21.Number21.Ten Portuguese cigars. Ten beautiful Portuguese cigars. No-one? Unclaimed,Fred. Number 38. Two tickets to the circus. Two tickets to the circus.Unclaimed,Fred.Number44.Alovelycrockery,cutlery,chinaandcookeryset.Alovelycrockery,cutlery,chinaandcookeryset.Number44.Unclaimed,Fred.

ROOTEswitchesoff.

ROOTEYes,itdoessoundabitcloggedup,Imustadmit.

Hefillstheglasses.

What’sitallabout?

LUSHIt’stheChristmasraffle,heldbytheunderstaffintheunderstaffcanteen.

ROOTERaffle?Didwegetanytickets?

GIBBSIwasapproached,sir,butonbehalfofthestaffdeclinedtopurchaseany.

ROOTEDidyou?Well,there’sabloodybigamountofunclaimedstuffdownthere,isn’tthere?

LUSHMustbeawholepileofit.

ROOTEWell,whogetsit?

LUSHIexpectthere’llbeanotherraffleatEaster,sir.

ROOTEWhatabout thatduck?Youcan’tkeepaduckuntilEaster! It’s… it’s justnotsensible! There’s not much I don’t know about poultry. Lush, make animmediateinquiryastowhat’stobecomeofthatduck.Hesits.

LUSHYes,sir.Whataboutthetwoticketstothecircus?

ROOTEChristmas,eh?AndIhaven’treceivedonepresent.Notonegift,ofanykind.It’smostupsetting.

LUSHActually,I’veseentheduck,sir.

ROOTEYouhave?What’sitlike?

LUSHIt’sadeadduck,sir.

ROOTEDead?

LUSHQuitedead,sir.

ROOTEGoodGod,Ididn’tknowitwasdead.

LUSHYes,asdeadaspatient6457.Ifnotdeader.

Silence

GIBBSIsthisMinistrywhisky,sir?It’squiteexcellent.

ROOTE(toLUSH)Whatdoyouknowabout6457?

GIBBSIwouldn’tadviseanyfurtherdiscussionofthatmatter,sir.

ROOTEWhatdoyouknowabout6457?

LUSHIknowthathe’sdead.

ROOTEWhatdoyouknowaboutit?

GIBBSItisinadvisabletodiscussthematteranyfurther,sir.

ROOTE(toLUSH)You’redamnedclever,aren’tyou?

LUSHAsamatteroffact,Imetarelationof6457’stoday.

ROOTE

Youwhat?

GIBBSLush.Thematterisclosed.

ROOTEWhatrelation?

LUSHHismother.

ROOTEHowdoyouknowshewashismother?

LUSHShesaidso.

ROOTEShewasaliar!

LUSHNo,shewasn’t.

ROOTEHowdoyouknow?

LUSHShelookedlikeamother.

ROOTEHowdoyouknowwhatmotherslooklike?

LUSHIhadonemyself.

ROOTEDoyouthinkIdidn’t?

LUSH(pointingatGIBBS)Hedidn’t.

GIBBSOhyes,Idid,damnyou!

ROOTEIwasfed,MisterCleverboots,atmymother’sbreast.

GIBBSSowasI.

LUSHMetoo.

Suddensilence

ROOTEWELL?ANDWHATABOUTIT?

ROOTEsinksbackinhisseat.Helooksathisglass,picksitupandswallowstheglassful.Hechokes,stands,writhesaboutinafitofcoughing.GIBBSandLUSHgotohisaid.

GIBBS(takinghisleftarm)Comeandsitinthearmchair,sir.

LUSH(takinghisrightarm)Comeandsitonthesofa,sir.

Ashorttug-of-warcommences,ROOTEstillcoughing.

ROOTEshakesthemoff.Hestands,shakingandpanting.

LUSHgoestothedesk,picksupaglassofwhisky,takesittoROOTE.

LUSHHere,drinkthis,sir.

ROOTEviciously knocks the glass out of his hand.He stands, glaring at them,thengoesbacktohisdesk,sits.LUSHpicksuptheglassandplacesitonROOTE’s

desk.LUSHfillshisglass.

ROOTE6457’smother,eh?Howdidshegetin?Wasn’ttheporterondutyatthegate?

LUSHDon’tyouwanttoknowwhatshewanted?

ROOTEIwanttoknowwhytheporterwasn’tondutyatthegate!

GIBBSHe’sinchargeoftheraffle,sir,intheunderstaffcanteen.

ROOTETubb?ThatwasTubbjustnow,ontheintercom?

LUSHOh,verymuchTubb,sir.

ROOTEHoldingarafflewhenheshouldhavebeenondutyatthegate?Honestly,thingsaregoingfrombadtoworse.(Pouring.)Downthehatch.(Heraiseshisglass.)

GIBBSHappyChristmas,sir.

ROOTEHappyChristmastoyou,Gibbs.

LUSHHappyChristmas,sir.

ROOTEThankyou.HappyChristmastoyou,Lush.AhappyChristmastoyouboth.

GIBBSandLUSH(raisingtheirglasses)Andtoyou,sir.

ROOTEThanks.Andthebestofluckforthenewyear.

GIBBSandLUSHThebestofluckforthenewyeartoyou,sir.

Aknockatthedoor.

ROOTEWho’sthat?

TUBBTubb,sir.

ROOTEComein.

EnterTUBB,carryingasmallbox.

Tubb!Ithoughtyouwereontheintercom.

TUBBMerryChristmastoyou,Colonel.

ROOTEThankyou,Tubb.Andtoyou.

TUBBHowdidyouenjoyyourChristmasdinner,sir?

ROOTEDisappointing.

TUBBOh,I’msorrytohearthat,Colonel.

ROOTEToomuchgravy.

LUSHReally?Minewasbonedry.

ROOTEWhat?

LUSHHonestly.Bonedry.

ROOTEWell,minewasswimmingingravy.

LUSHThat’s funny, isn’t it,Gibbs?Hiswas swimming in gravy andminewasbonedry.

TUBBI’msurprisedtohearyourswaswet,Colonel.

ROOTEWell,itwas.Verywet.

Helooksatthebox.

Whathaveyougotthere,Tubb?

TUBBIt’saChristmaspresentforyou,Colonel.

ROOTEApresent?

TUBBJustalittletokenoftheunderstaff’sregard,Colonel.JustalittlesomethingforChristmas.

ROOTENotaduck,byanychance?

TUBBAduck,Colonel?

ROOTEIjustwonderedwhetheritmighthavebeenaduck.

TUBBOhno,wehaven’tgotanyduck,sir.

ROOTENoduck?

TUBBNo,sir.

ROOTEWhataboutnumber84then?Eh?Unclaimed.Readyfor theoven.What?Thatwasaduckwasn’tit?Andwhat’smoreitwasunclaimed.

TUBBOh,thatduck.Oh,thatwasclaimed.

ROOTE(startled)Claimed?Whoby?

TUBBWell,itwasn’texactlyclaimed,sir.Butwefoundoutwhoownedtheticket,sowe’rekeepingitforhimtillheturnsup,it’sonlyfair.

ROOTEWhoisit?

TUBBAmancalledLamb,sir.

Silence

But anyway, what I’ve got here, Colonel, is a little token of regard from theunderstaff and the compliments of the season from all of us in the understaff,

wishingyoualltheverybestofluckintheyeartocome.

ROOTEThanksverymuch,Tubb.Whatisit?

TUBBIt’saChristmascake,Colonel,cookedbythecook.

ROOTEAcake?Forme?

LUSHThat’sverynice,isn’tit,Gibbs?

ROOTEAcake?Forme?

TUBBForyou,sir.

ROOTEHowkind.Howverykind.I’mmosttouched.Mosttouched.Morethantouched.Deeplymoved.It’salongtime,averylongtime,sinceIhadaChristmascake.Alonglongtime.

Pause

This…wasfromthecook?

TUBBFromthecook,sir, fromme,sir, fromthekitchenstaff, sir, fromtheporteringstaff,sir,fromthecleaningstaff,sir,fromtheverywholeoftheunderstaff,sir,fromtheveryallofus…toyou,sir.

ROOTEHowverykind.Howveryverykind.I’mdeeplymoved.Deeplymoved.Morethanmoved…

LUSHWhatanawfullynicegesture.

TUBBTheunderstaff,Colonel,andI’msurethepatients,wouldbeevenmoredeeplymovedifyouweretogivethemaChristmasaddress,sir.

ROOTEAnaddress?

TUBBTheywouldbemost touched, sir.They’re all clusteredupnow in the canteenandI’vefitteduptheloudspeakersystemwithanextensiontoall thecorridorsleadingontothepatients’roomsaswell.

LUSHWhatasplendididea.

ROOTEAnaddress?Yourpeoplewouldappreciateanaddress,wouldthey?

TUBBOh,theywould,sir.Iknowtheywould.JustalittlewordforChristmas.

LUSHWhatanexcitinginnovation.

ROOTEAnd the patients… they haven’t expressed any desire… themselves…havethey?

TUBBWell, not exactly expressed one, sir, as far as I know, but I’ve fitted up theloudspeakersystemtotheirroomsandI’msurethey’dbedeeplymoved.

Pause

ROOTEWhatdoyouthink,Gibbs?

Pause

Gibbs!

GIBBSIbegpardon,sir?

ROOTEIsaidwhatdoyouthink?

GIBBSI…Ithinkit’sanexcellentidea,sir.

ROOTELush?

LUSHIthinkitwouldbedeeplymoving,sir.

Pause

ROOTE(briskly)Where’sthemike?

TUBBInthecake,sir.

ROOTEInthecake!

TUBBIjustshoveditinwiththecake,sir.

ROOTEWell,it’sgotnobusinesstobeanywherenearthecake!What’sthematterwithyou?(Muttering.)Whataplacetoputamike!

TUBB(extractingmike)

Hereweare,Colonel.

ROOTEWell,plugitin,let’sgetonwithit.

TUBBplugsinbythewall.ROOTEsits,cleanhisthroat.

TUBB(withmike)Onhereontheblottingpaperallright,sir?

ROOTEMoveoutofit.

TUBBSwitchthisswitchwhenyou’reready,Colonel.

ROOTE(slowly)Yes.

TUBBThey’reallready.They’reallclusteredupintheunderstaffcanteen.

Pause

ROOTEWhatareyoulookingat,Gibbs?

GIBBSNothinginparticular,sir.

ROOTEYouwerelookingatme!Doyoucallthatnothinginparticular?

Pause

Ican’tdoitnow.I’lldoitlateron.Lateron.Youcan’tmakeaspeechlikethatwithoutsome thought.Tell themnot tobedisappointed.Tell themthey’llhearmyChristmasaddresslateron.Lateron.

Thelightsgodownontheoffice.Theygouponthesittingroom.MISSCUTTScomesin.Shesits,takesatabletennisballfromherpocket,tossesitupandcatchesit.GIBBSdescendsthestairs.Suddenlyalongsighisheard,amplified.GIBBSstops.MISSCUTTS,abouttotosstheball,stops.Alongkeenisheard,amplified.GIBBSlooksup.MISSCUTTSlooksup.Alaughisheard,amplified,dyingaway.Silence.MISSCUTTSputstheballtohermouth.GIBBSisstillamoment,thenturnsandentersthesittingroom.MISSCUTTSthrowstheballathim.Itfallsathisfeet.

CUTTSCatch!

GIBBSlooksdownattheballandstampsonit.

GIBBSDon’tdothat.

Hetakesoutapacketofpillsandswallowsone.

CUTTSWhat’sthematter,Charlie?

GIBBSHeadache.

Hesits,closeshiseyes.MISSCUTTSgoestohim.

CUTTSHaveyougotaheadache,darling?Cometoroom1A.(Shekisseshim.)I’llmakeitbetterforyou.Areyoucoming?

GIBBSI’vegottogoback.

CUTTSWhat!Why?

GIBBSTohearhisChristmasaddress.

CUTTSAnotherone?Oh,God,Ithoughthe’dforgottenallaboutit.

GIBBSHehadn’tforgotten.

CUTTSEveryyear.SometimesIcouldscream.

GIBBSIcan’tstandscreaming.

CUTTSCharlie,whatisit?Don’tIpleaseyouanymore?Tellme.Behonest.AmInolongerthepleasureIwas?Befrankwithme.AmIfailingyou?

GIBBSStopit.I’mnotinthemood.

CUTTSLetmemassageyourneck.

Shetoucheshisneck.

GIBBS(throwingheroff)Youandyournecks!Youlovetogetyourhandsroundsomeone’sneck!

CUTTSSodoyou.

GIBBS

I’mnotinthehabitoftouchingpeople’snecks.

CUTTSItwassuchfunworkingwithyouthismorning.

Shesits.

You’resoclever.I thinkyou’rethecleverestmanI’veeverhadanythingtodowith.Wedon’twork togethernearlyenough. It’ssuchfun inroom1A.I thinkthat’smyfavouriteroominthewholeplace.It’ssuchanintimateroom.Youcanaskthequestionsandbesointimate.Iloveyourquestions.They’resointimatethemselves.That’swhatmakesitsoexciting.Theintimacybecomesunbearable.You keep waiting for the questions to stop, to pass from one intimacy intoanother,beautifully,andjustwhenyouknowyoucan’taskanotherone,thattheymuststop,thatyoumuststop,thatitmuststop—theystop!—andwe’realone,andwecanstart,wecancontinue,inroom1A,becauseyouknow,youalwaysknow,yoursenseoftimingisperfect,youknowwhenthequestionsmuststop,thosequestions,andyoumuststartaskingmequestions,otherquestions,andImuststartaskingyouquestions,and it’squestion time,question time,questiontime,foreverandforeverandforever.

GIBBS(standing)ItellyouI’mnotinthemood.

CUTTSCometo1A,Charlie.

GIBBSstands,lookingatthedoor.

GIBBSDidyouhearanything,justnow?

CUTTSWhat?

GIBBSSomething.Sounds.Sounds.Justnow.Justbefore.

CUTTS

Nothing.Notathing.Nothing.

Shelooksathim.

Whatwasit?

GIBBSIdon’tknow.

CUTTS(anervouschuckle)Don’ttellmesomething’sgoingtohappen?

GIBBSSomething’shappening.ButIdon’tknowwhat.Ican’tdefineit.

CUTTSHowabsurd.

GIBBSItisabsurd.Something’shappening,Ifeelit,Iknowit,andIcan’tdefineit.It’s…it’sridiculous.

CUTTSIknowwhat’sgoingtohappen.

GIBBSThatoldfoolinthere,heseesnothing,gettingdrunkwiththat…bitch.

CUTTSIknowwhat’sgoingtohappen.You’regoingtokillhim.

GIBBSWhat?

CUTTSAren’t you?Youpromised.Youpromised youwould.Didn’t you?Do it now.Now.BeforehemakeshisChristmasspeech.

GIBBS

Oh,stowit,forGod’ssake!

CUTTSButyousaidyouwould!

GIBBSDidI?

CUTTSYousaidyou’dstabhimandpretenditwassomeoneelse.

GIBBSReally?Who?

CUTTSLush.

GIBBSLush? Lush could never be taken for a murderer. He’s scum but he’s not amurderer.

CUTTSNo,butyouare.

GIBBSstaresather.

GIBBS(quietly)Whatdidyousay?

Pause

Whatdidyoucallme?

CUTTSNothing.

GIBBSYoucalledmeamurderer.

CUTTSNo,Ididn’tcallyouanything–

GIBBS(ice)Howdareyoucallmeamurderer?

CUTTSButIdidn’t!

GIBBSWhodoyouknowthatI’vemurdered?

CUTTSNo-one!

GIBBSThenhowdareyoucallmeamurderer?

CUTTSYou’renotamurderer!

GIBBS(hissing)I’mnotamurderer,he’samurderer,Rooteisamurderer!

Pause

Youdaretocallmeamurderer?

CUTTS(moaning)No,Charlie.

GIBBSYouknowwhatthatis,don’tyou?Slander.Defamationofcharacter.

Pause

Andontopofthat,youtrytoincitemetokillmychief,MrRoote.Themanincharge.You,hisownmistress.Justtosatisfyyourownpersonalwhim.

Pause

CUTTSCharlie…

GIBBSShutup!

MISSCUTTSfallsoutofherchairontothefloor.

CUTTS(whispering)Oh,IwishIwasinroom1A.Ishallnevergettoroom1Aagain.IknowIwon’t.Ever.

Blackout.Adroneisheard.Thedronestops.Lightsgoupontheoffice.ROOTEandLUSHarestilldrinking.ROOTEisatthedesk,LUSHisseated,drooping.ROOTErisesandperchesonthefrontofthedesk.

ROOTEWomen!I’veknownthemall.DidIevertellyouaboutthewomaninthebluedress?Shewasaspy.Aspyinabluedress.ImetherinCasablanca.Believeitorbelieveitnotthatwomanwasanagentforaforeignpower.Shewastattooedonherbellywithapelican.Yes.Herbellywascoveredwithapelican.Shecouldmake thatpelicanwaddleacross the room toyou.Onall fours, sideways, feetfirst, arse-upwards, any way you like. Her control was superhuman. Only awomancouldpossess it.Underherbluedress shewore a shimmy.Andunderthatshimmysheworeapelican.

Pause

Mycake!Wehaven’tcutthecake!MyGod,andit’snearlymidnight.

Heunwrapsthecake,holdsit.

Abeauty. (Going tohis desk drawer.)Wait aminute.Where arewe? Just thethinginhere.

Takesabayonetfromthedrawer.

Now.Rightdownthemiddle.

Hecutsthecake.

I remember thedaymywallsused tobehungwithChristmascards, Iused towalkkneedeepinpresents,allmyauntiesandunclespoppinginforadrink,alog fire in the grate, bells on the Christmas tree, garlands, flowers, floraldecoration, music, flowers … floral decoration … laughter … (Abruptly.) Ididn’tnoticeacardfromyou,didI?Didn’texpectiteither.Becauseyou’venosenseofdecorum,itsticksoutamile.Noheart.It’snotsomuchthelanguage,it’stheattitudeofmindthat’snasty,unwholesome,putrid.

LUSHThesnowhasturnedtoslush.

ROOTEThe temperaturemusthavedropped. (Thrustingapieceof cakeathim.)Well,hereyouare,haveapieceofthiscake.

LUSHstaresatit.

Goon.Eatit!

Theybothmunch.LUSHspitshisout.ROOTEgrabshimbytheneck.

Whatareyoudoing?That’smycake!

LUSHIcan’t!

ROOTE(shakinghim)That’smyChristmascake!Youcan’tspitoutmyChristmascake!

LUSH(violently,breakingaway)Stuffit!

ROOTEregardshim.

ROOTE(gravely)You’veinsultedme,you’veinsultedthecook,andyou’veinsultedJesusChrist.

Pause

We’vegotnoroomforunhealthymindsinthisestablishment.

LUSH(muttering)Muckandslush.

ROOTELush!

LUSHColonel?

ROOTE(grimly)I saidyou’dbetterwatchyour step.Everyonehadbetterwatch their step! (Hebeginstomoveabouttheroom.)Idon’tlikethelookofthings.Youcan’ttrustasoul.And there’s somethinggoingonhere that Ihaven’tquite cottonedon to.There’ssomethingfunnyafoot.Icanfeelit.SomepeoplethinkI’mold,butohno, not by a long chalk. I’ve got second sight. I can see through walls. (Heconsiders.) Idon’tmean that that’s secondsight, seeing throughwalls. ImeanI’vegotsecondsightandIcanseethroughwalls!

LUSHAndyourknowledgeofphytotomy,sir.

ROOTEThat’smorethanapassingacquaintance.Icanseerightthroughthem.Icanhearawhisperinthebasement.Ididn’twastemyyouth.Iexercisedmyfaculties–tothehilt!AndIspentalotoftimepondering.Pondering.Forinstance,thisstupid

businessoftheworldgoinground.It’sallalotofballs.Iftheworldwasgoingroundwe’dbefallingaboutallovertheroom.(BendingoverLUSH.)Butarewe?Arewe?

LUSHconsiders.

AndtodayIfeelsomethinginmybones.Iknowit.Something’sgoingonwhichI can’t define. It’s ridiculous.But I don’t damnwell knowwhat it is.DoyouthinkI’mgoingtobemurdered?

LUSHThat’sit.

ROOTEbringsthebottletothedeskandpours.

ROOTEThe day got off to a lousy start! A death and a birth. Absolutely bloodyscandalous!Isittoomuchtoask–tokeeptheplaceclean?

LUSHgoestothedesk,poursadrink,goesbacktothearmchair.

Youknowwhoyouremindmeof?YouremindmeofWhipperWallace,backinthegoodolddays.

Thedooropens.GIBBSentersandstandsstill.

He used to hang about with a chap calledHouse-Peters. Boghouse-Peters weusedtocallhim.IrememberonedaytheWhipperandBoghouse–hehadascaronhis left cheek,Boghouse–caught in someboghousebrawl, I suppose. (Helaughs.)Well, anyway, there they were, the Whipper and Boghouse, rollingdownthebanksoftheEuphratesthisnight,whenupcameapoliceman…

Hedissolvesinlaughter.

up came this policeman … up came a policeman … this policeman …approached…Boghouse…andtheWhipper…werequestioned…thisnight…theEuphrates…apoliceman…

GIBBSmoves.ROOTEjumps.

Aaaaahhhh!(Tohim.)Whatthebloodyhelldoyouthinkyou’redoing,creepingupbehindmelikeasnake!Eh?Youfrightenedthelifeoutofme.

GIBBSI’vecometoheartheChristmasspeech,sir.

ROOTEWell,whydon’tyoumake it?You’redying tomake it,aren’tyou?Whydon’tyoumakeit?

GIBBSIt’syourprivilege,sir.

ROOTEWell, I’m sick to death of it!The patients, the staff, the understaff, thewholedamnthing!

GIBBSI’msorrytohearthat,sir.

ROOTEIt’sbleedingmetodeath.

LUSHThenwhydoyoucontinue?

ROOTElooksathim.

ROOTEBecauseI’madelegate.

LUSHAdelegateofwhat?

ROOTE(calmly)ItellyouI’madelegate.

LUSHAdelegateofwhat?

Theystareateachother.

ROOTENotonlyme.Allofus.Thatbastardthere.(ToGIBBS.)Aren’tyou?

GIBBSIam.

ROOTEThereyouare.

LUSHYouhaven’texplainedyourself.

ROOTEWhohasn’t?

LUSHYoucan’texplainyourself.

ROOTEIcan’t?

LUSHExplainyourself.

GIBBSHe’sdrunk.

ROOTE(movingtohim)Explainyourself,Lush.

LUSHNo,you!Youexplainyourself!

ROOTEBecareful,sonny.

LUSH(rising)You’readelegate,areyou?

ROOTE(facinghimsquarely)Iam.

LUSHOnwhoseauthority?Withwhatpowerareyouentrusted?Bywhomwereyouappointed?Ofwhatareyouadelegate?

ROOTEhitshiminthestomach.

ROOTEI’madelegate!(Hehitshiminthestomach.)Iwasentrusted!(Hehitshiminthestomach.)I’madelegate!(Hehitshiminthestomach.)Iwasappointed!

LUSHbacks,crouched,slowlyacrossthestage,ROOTEfollowinghim.

Delegated!(Hehitshiminthestomach.)Appointed!(Hehitshiminthestomach.)Entrusted!

Hehitshiminthestomach.LUSHsinkstothefloor.ROOTEstandsoverhimandshouts:

IAMAUTHORISED!

LUSHremainsheapedonthefloor.ROOTEgoesbacktothedesk,poursadrinkforhimselfandGIBBS.

ROOTE(toGIBBS,sourly)Whatdoyouwant?

GIBBS

IcametohearyourChristmasspeech,Colonel.

ROOTEYou’resureyoudidn’tcomeheretomurderme?

GIBBSMurderyou?

ROOTEYes,wasn’tthatwhyyoucame?

GIBBSCertainlynot.Whatanidea.

ROOTEYes,youdid!Icanseeit inyoureyes!Canyouseeit,Lush,inhiseyes?Thischapcameheretodomein.Youcanseeitinhiseyes.

GIBBSIdidnosuchthing.

ROOTEYouwentcross-eyed,man,don’targuewithme.Guilty!Itwaswrittenalloveryourface.

GIBBSThisisridiculous.

ROOTEYes,well,you’renotmuchgoodatit,areyou?You’reprettypooratit.Itwiggeditlikethat!(Heclickshisfingers,laughs.)Didn’tI?Youwon’tgetveryfarasamurderer,willhe,Lush?

LUSHbeginstostand,slowly.

Willyou?

GIBBSIresentthislevity,sir.

ROOTEDoyou?

GIBBSIresentitverystrongly.

ROOTEHe resents it. (Goingbehind thedeskwithhis drink.)Well, if he resents it heresentsit.(Drinks.)You’rejusttoosensitive,that’syourtrouble.

GIBBS(sitting)Afoulinsinuation.

ROOTEOh,don’tbesotouchy!

LUSHwalkscarefullytoGIBBS.

LUSHHewasonlyhavingalittlejoke,Gibbsoldman.

ROOTEOfcourseIwas.

GIBBSIfounditlessthanfunny.

LUSHHedidn’tmeanit.Honestly.Don’tbedownhearted.Nowgivemetheknifeandwewon’tsayanotherword.

Suddensilence.Allstill.GIBBSandLUSHstareateachother.LUSHmakesatinymovementtohisjacket.ImmediatelyGIBBSrises,withaknifeinhishand.LUSHfaceshim,aknifeinhishand.ROOTEseizesthebayonetfromhisdesk,comesabovethem,coveringthemboth,

grinning.Silence.Allknivesup.Suddenlyalongsighisheard,amplified.Theknivesgodown.Alongkeenisheard,amplified.Theylookup.Alaughisheard,amplified,dyingaway.Silence.

LUSHWhatwasthat?

ROOTEIdon’tknow.Whatwasit?

GIBBSIdon’tknow.

Pause

ROOTEIheardsomething,didn’tyou?

LUSHYes,Idid.

GIBBSYes,Iheardsomething.

Pause

ROOTEWell,whatwasit?

Pause

GIBBSIdon’tknow.

LUSHNordoI.

Pause

ROOTEWell,isthereanywayoffindingout?

GIBBSSomething’shappening,sir.Idon’tlikeit.There’ssomethinggoingon…whichIcan’tquitedefine.

ROOTEHowoddyoushouldsaythat.Iwasonlysayingthesamebefore,wasn’tI,Lush?Iwassayingthesamebefore.Justbeforeyoucamein.

Pause

GIBBSWe’llinvestigate.Comeon,Lush.

LUSHGoyourself.

ROOTEGowithhim.

LUSHIdon’twanttogowithhim.

ROOTEGowithhim!What’sthematter?Areyoufrightenedofthedark?

LUSH(shyly)No…well,yousee,thefactis,Colonel,I’ve…I’vegotapresentforyou.

ROOTEApresent?

LUSHAChristmaspresent.

ROOTE(suspiciously)Ohyes?Whatsortofapresent?

LUSHJustalittlesomething,sir,forChristmas.

HetakesacigarfromhispocketandhandsittoROOTE.

Thisisit.

ROOTEIsay!Thatlooksafineone.

LUSHJustalittletoken,sir.

ROOTEWell,that’saverynicethought,Lushmylad.I’mdeeplygratified.

LUSHI’mgladyoulikeit,sir.

ROOTE(beaming)Yes,verynice.IshallsmokeitbeforeIgotobed.Nowoffyougo,aboutyourbusiness.

GIBBSWhenwouldyouliketoseeLamb,sir?

ROOTELamb?

GIBBSThefather,sir.

ROOTEOh,him.Inthemorning,son,inthemorning.Ican’tbebotheredtobotherwithhimnow.CanI?

GIBBSInthemorningthen.Thankyouforthedrink,sir.

LUSHAndthecake.

ROOTEGoodnight,gentlemen.

GIBBSandLUSHgoout.ROOTEwalks,withthecigar,tothesofa.MISSCUTTSappearsbehindhimfromthebedroomdoor,watcheshim.Shewearsanightdress.ROOTElightsthecigar,puffs.Thecigarexplodes.MISSCUTTSrushestohim.ROOTEthrowsthecigardown,seesMISSCUTTS

CUTTSAreyouallright?

ROOTEstaresather.

What’sthematterwiththatcigar?

ROOTEYouremindmeofsomeone.

CUTTSInmynewnightie?Who?

ROOTEWheredidyougetthatthing?

CUTTSIt’sagift.WhodoIremindyouof?

ROOTEWheredidyougetit?

CUTTSFromafriend.Doyoulikeit?Shejustgaveit tome.Ihadteawithhertoday.She’sanursingmother.Shedoesn’tneedit.SheinsistedIshouldhaveit.She’sso sweet, and she’sgot suchabonnybaby. I said toher,nowwe’re friends, Ican’t go on calling you 6459, can I?What’s your name? Do you know, shewouldn’t tell me? Well, what does your lover call you? I said, what littlenickname? She blushed to the roots of her hair. Imust say I’m very curious.What couldhehave calledher?She’s sweet, but she said thebabymisses hisDaddy.BabiesdomissDaddy,youknow.Archie,can’tthebabyseehisDaddy,justforalittlewhile,justtosayhello?

ROOTE(quietly)No.Daddywillstaywhereheis.

CUTTSWhereishe?

ROOTEYou’resupposedtobeonnightshift.

CUTTSOh,it’sChristmas,Iknockedoffearly.

ROOTEYou’resupposedtobeworking.

CUTTSYou’renotpleasedtoseeme.

Pause.ROOTEsighs,looksather.

ROOTEAreyou…

Hesitsonthesofawithher.

Areyou…happy?

CUTTSHappy?OfcourseIam.

ROOTEAreyou…areyouhappywithme?

CUTTSOfcourseI’mhappy.Withyou.Whenyou’renotsilly.

ROOTEYou’rereallyhappywithme?

CUTTSNotwhenyouwantmetogooutintothecoldwithmynightieon.

ROOTE(takingherhand)Don’tgoout.

Hecaressesherhand.Sheregardshimgravely.

CUTTSYouknow,sometimesIthinkI’mnotfeminineenoughforyou.

ROOTEYouare,youarefeminineenoughforme.

CUTTSPerhapsifIwasmorefeminineyouwouldn’twantmetogooutinthecold.

ROOTEIdon’twantyoutogoout.Iwantyoutostay.

CUTTSOrperhaps…perhapsit’sbecauseyouthinkyou’renotmasculineenough.

ROOTEIam!

CUTTSPerhapsyou’renot.

ROOTEYoucan’twantmetobemoremasculine?

CUTTS(urgently)It’snotwhatIwant.It’swhatyoureallythink.It’swhatyoureallydeeplythinkandfeel.It’swhatyouwant,it’swhatyoutrulyare,can’tyouseethat,Archie?Imean, if you’re suddenlyworried that you’re notmasculine enough– Imean,thatI’mnotfeminineenoughandthatyou’retoofeminine–well,it’snotgoingtowork,isit?

ROOTENow,waitaminute,Ineversaidanything–

CUTTS(intensely)IfIdidn’tloveyousomuchitwouldn’tmatter.Doyourememberthefirsttimewemet?Onthebeach?Inthenight?Allthosepeople?Andthebonfire?Andthewaves? And the spray? And the mist? And the moon? Everyone dancing,somersaulting, laughing?And you – standing silent, staring at a sandcastle inyoursheerwhitetrunks.Themoonwasbehindyou,infrontofyou,alloveryou,suffusing you, consuming you, you were transparent, translucent, a beacon. Iwasstruckdumb,dumbstruck.Waterroseupmylegs.Icouldnotmove.Iwasrigid. Immovable.Our eyesmet. Love at first sight. I held your gaze.And inyoureyes,boldandunashamed,wasdesire.Brutal,demandingdesire.Bestial,ruthless, remorseless. I stood there magnetised, hypnotised. Transfixed.Motionlessandstill.Aspidercaughtinaweb.

ROOTEstands,goestothedesk,sits,switchesonthemicrophone.

ROOTE(intothemike)Patients, staff and understaff.AmerryChristmas to you all, and a happy andprosperous new year. And on behalf of all the staff I’d like to wish all the

understafftheverybestofluckfortheyeartocomeandaveryhappyChristmas.AndtothepatientsIshouldliketosendapersonalgreeting,toeachandeveryone of them,wishing them the heartiest compliments of the season, and verybestwishes,onbehalfofthestaff,theunderstaffandmyself,notforgettingtheMinistry,whichIknowwouldbegladtobeassociatedwiththesewords,forahealthy,happyandprosperousnewyear.

Pause

We have had our little difficulties, in the year that is about to die, our littletroubles, our little sorrows as well as our little joys, but through workingtogether, through each and every one of us pulling hisweight, nomatter howlowlyorapparentlytrivialhisjob,byworking,byliving,bypullingtogetherasonegreatfamily,westandundaunted.

Pause

Wesaygoodbye to theoldyearverysoonnow,andhail thenew,but I say toyou,aswestandbeforetheseembers,thatwecarrywithusfromtheoldyear…things…whichwillstandusingoodsteadinthenew,andwearenotdaunted.

Pause

SinceIlastspoketoyouIhavetravelledfar.Ihaveseenmanylandsandmanypeoples.AndtodayIhavereceivedgreetingsandgiftsfrommanyofmycousinswhoreside inother lands, faroff lands,and they tellmethatover there thingsare not really very different to over here.Customsmay differ, languagesmaydiffer,butmenarethesame,thewholeworldover.AndIthinkit’sappropriateatthistimeofyeartoremindyouthatourcousinsarestretchedrightacrosstothefarcornersoftheearthandthattheyarenodifferenttowe,andthatwearenodifferenttothey.

Pause

Some of you, sitting at your loudspeakers tonight, may sometimes findyourselves wondering whether the little daily hardships, the little dailydisappointments, the trials and tribulationswhich seemcontinually todogyouare,intheend,worthit.ToyouIwouldsayonesimplething.Havefaith.

Pause

Yes,IthinkifIwereaskedtoconveytoyouaspecialmessagethisChristmasitwouldbethat:Havefaith.

Pause

Rememberthatyouarenotalone,thatwehere,forexample,inthisourhome,areinextricablyrelated,onetoanother,thestafftotheunderstaff,theunderstafftothepatients,thepatientstothestaff.Rememberthis,asyousitbyyourfires,with your families,who have come from near and from far, to share this daywithyou,andyoumaybecontent.

Heswitchesoffthemicrophoneandsits.Thelightsgodownontheoffice.Darkness.Alowlightonthestairwayandtheforestage.Squeaksareheard,oflocksturning.Therattleofchains.Agreatclanging,reverberating,asofirondoorsopening.Shafts of light appear abruptly about the stage, as of doors opening intocorridorsandintorooms.Whispers,chuckles,half-screamsofthepatientsgrow.Theclangingoflocksanddoorsgrowsinintensity.Thelightshiftsfromareatoarea,rapidly.Thesoundsreachafeverishpitchandstop.Lightsupontheofficeintheministry.LOBBrisesasGIBBSenters.

LOBBAh,comein,Gibbs.Howareyou?

Theyshakehands.

Haveagoodjourneydown?

GIBBSNotatallbad,thankyou,sir.

LOBBSitdown.

Theysit.

LOBBCigarette?

GIBBSNothankyou,sir.

LOBBYouhaven’tbeenwaitinglong,haveyou?

GIBBSOh,nosir,notatall.

LOBBMysecretary’sdownwithflu.Ratherdisorganised.What’s theweather likeupthere?

GIBBSQuitesharp,sir.

LOBBBeenfairtomiddlingdownhere,forthetimeofyear.Treacherous,though.Mysecretary,forinstance,quiteastalwartsortofchap,strongasanox,wentdownlikealogovertheweekend.

GIBBSIt’scertainlytreacherous.

LOBBDreadful.Howareyoufeelingyourself?

GIBBS

Oh,I’mquitefit,thankyou,sir.

LOBBYes,youlookfit.Remarkablyfit,really.Youwearavest,don’tyou?

GIBBSYes,sir.

LOBBThereyouare.Verysensible.Mysecretary,forinstance,strongasanox,butheneverworeavestinhislife.That’swhatdidit.

Pause

Well,I’mgladyougotdowntoseeme,Gibbs.

GIBBSSoamI,sir.

LOBBRatherunfortunatebusiness.You’vemadeoutyourreport,Itakeit?

GIBBSYes,sir.

LOBBIhaven’tseenityet.

GIBBSNo,sir.Ihaveitwithme.

LOBBHanditintotheofficeonthewayout,willyou?

GIBBSYes,sir.

LOBBGotanydefinitefigures?

GIBBSYes,I…have,sir.

LOBBWhatarethey?

Pause

GIBBSThewholestaffwasslaughtered,sir.

LOBBThewholestaff?

GIBBSWithoneexception,ofcourse.

LOBBWhowasthat?

GIBBSMe,sir.

LOBBOhyes,ofcourse.

Pause

Thewholestaff,eh?Amassacre,infact?

GIBBSExactly.

LOBBMostdistressing.

Pause

Howdidthey…howdidtheydoit?

GIBBSVariousmeans,sir.MrRooteandMissCuttswerestabbedintheirbed.Lush–

LOBBExcuseme,didyousaybed,orbeds?

GIBBSBed,sir.

LOBBOh,really?Yes,goon.

GIBBSLush, Hogg, Beck, Budd, Tuck, Dodds, Tate and Pett, sir, were hanged andstrangled,variously.

LOBBIsee.Well,Ishouldthinkthere’sgoingtobequiteafewquestionsaskedaboutthis,Gibbs.

GIBBSYes,sir.

LOBBWhat’sthepositionnow?

GIBBSThepatientsareallbackintheirrooms.I’velefttheheadporter,Tubb,inchargeofthings.He’sverycapable.Alltheunderstaff,ofcourse,arestillactive.

LOBBTheydidn’ttouchtheunderstaff?

GIBBSNo.Justthestaff.

LOBB

Ah.Lookhere,Gibbs,there’ssomethingI’dliketoknow.Howdidthepatientsgetout?

GIBBSI’mnotsurethatIcangiveanabsolutelyconclusiveanswertothat,sir,untiltheproperinquiryhasbeensetinmotion.

LOBBNaturally,naturally.

GIBBSOne possibility though is that one of their doorsmay not have been properlylocked, that the patient got out, filched the keys from the office, and let theothersout.

LOBBGoodLord.

GIBBSYou see, the locktester who should have been on duty – we always had alocktesteronduty–

LOBBOfcourse,ofcourse.

GIBBSWasabsentfromduty.

LOBBAbsent?Isay,well…that’srather…significant,isn’tit?

GIBBSYes,sir.

LOBBWhathappenedtohim?

GIBBSHe’s…nottobefound,sir.

LOBBWell,itwouldbeagoodthingifhewerefound,wouldn’tit?

GIBBSIshalldomybest,sir.

LOBBGood-o. (Slight pause.) Tellme.Whyweren’t you killed? Just as amatter ofinterest.

GIBBSIwasengagedonsomeresearch,sir,alone.Iwasprobablytheonlymemberofthestaffawake,sowasabletotakemeasurestoprotectmyself.

LOBBI see.Well, it’s allmost unfortunate, butwe can’t really do anythinguntil thereporthasgoneinandtheinquirysetup.Meanwhileyou’dbettertrytogetholdofthat locktesterofyours.I thinkweshallprobablywant tohaveawordwithhim.What’shisname?

GIBBSLamb,sir.

LOBB(makinganoteofthename)Lamb.Well,Gibbs,IwouldliketosayonbehalfoftheMinistryhowverymuchwecommendthegutsyou’veshown.

GIBBSThankyou,sir.Myworkmeansagreatdealtome.

LOBBThat’s the spirit. (Slightpause.)Youcan carryonnow, I suppose?We’ll havesomereinforcementsdowninafewdays.Can’tbesooner,I’mafraid.We’vegottogetholdofsomeproperlyqualifiedpeople.Notaseasyasallthat.

GIBBSIcancarryon,sir.

LOBBYou’llbeincharge,ofcourse.

GIBBSThankyou,sir.

LOBB(rising)Don’tthankme.It’swehavetothankyou.

Theywalktothedoor.

Onelastquestion.Whydoyouthinktheydidit?Imean…whydidtheyfeelsostrongly?

GIBBSWell,Mr.Lobb,it’salittledelicateinmyposition…

LOBBGoon,myboy,goon.It’sthefactsthatcount.

GIBBSOnedoesn’tliketospeakillofthedead.

LOBBNaturally,naturally.

GIBBSButthere’snodoubtthatMrRootewasunpopular.

LOBBWithgoodcause?

GIBBSI’mafraidso,sir.Twothingsespeciallyhadmadehimratherunpopular.Hehadseducedpatient6459andbeenthecauseofherpregnancy,andhehadmurderedpatient6457.Thathadnotgonedowntoowellwiththerestofthepatients.

Blackoutonoffice.

Lightsriseonsound-proofroom.

LAMBinchair.Hesitsstill,staring,asinacatatonictrance.

Curtain.

ANIGHTOUT

ANightOutwasfirstperformedontheB.B.C.ThirdProgrammeon1March1960,withthefollowingcast:

ALBERTSTOKES BarryFosterMRS.STOKES,hismother MaryO’FarrellSEELEY HaroldPinterKEDGE JohnRyeBARMANATTHECOFFEESTALL WalterHallOLDMAN NormanWynneMR.KING DavidBirdMR.RYAN NormanWynneGIDNEY NicholasSelbyJOYCE JaneJordanRogersEILEEN AuriolSmithBETTY MargaretHotineHORNE HughDicksonBARROW DavidSpenserTHEGIRL VivienMerchant

ProducedbyDonaldMcWhinnie

TheplaywastelevisedbyA.B.C.ArmchairTheatreon24April1960,withthefollowingcast:

ALBERTSTOKES TomBellMRS.STOKES,hismother MadgeRyanSEELEY HaroldPinterKEDGE PhilipLockeBARMANATTHECOFFEESTALL EdmondBennettOLDMAN GordonPhillottMR.KING ArthurLoweMR.RYAN EdwardMalinGIDNEY StanleyMeadowsJOYCE JoséRead

EILEEN MariaLennardBETTY MaryDuddyHORNE StanleySegalBARROW WalterHallTHEGIRL VivienMerchant

ProducedbyPhilipSaville

ACTONE

SCENEONE

ThekitchenofMRS.STOKES’smallhouseinthesouthofLondon.Cleanandtidy.

ALBERT, a young man of twenty-eight, is standing in his shirt andtrousers, combing his hair in the kitchen mirror over themantelpiece. A woman’s voice calls his name from upstairs. Heignores it,picksupabrushfromthemantelpieceandbrusheshishair.Thevoicecallsagain.Heslipsthecombinhispocket,bendsdown, reaches under the sink and takes out a shoe duster. Hebegins topolishhis shoes.MRS.STOKES descends the stairs, passesthroughthehallandentersthekitchen.

MOTHER:Albert,I’vebeencallingyou.[Shewatcheshim.]Whatareyoudoing?ALBERT:Nothing.MOTHER: Didn’t you hear me call you, Albert? I’ve been calling you from

upstairs.ALBERT:Youseenmytie?MOTHER:Oh,Isay,I’llhavetoputtheflagout.ALBERT:Whatdoyoumean?MOTHER:Cleaningyourshoes,Albert?I’llhavetoputtheflagout,won’tI?

ALBERT puts the brush back under the sink and begins to search thesideboardandcupboard.

Whatareyoulookingfor?ALBERT:Mytie.Thestripedone,theblueone.MOTHER:Thebulb’sgoneinGrandma’sroom.ALBERT:Hasit?MOTHER:That’swhatIwascallingyouabout.Iwentinandswitchedonthelight

andthebulbhadgone.

Shewatcheshimopenthekitchencabinetandlookintoit.

Aren’t those your best trousers, Albert? What have you put on your besttrousersfor?

ALBERT:Look,Mum,where’smytie?Theblueone,thebluetie,whereisit?YouknowtheoneImean,thebluestripedone,Igaveittoyouthismorning.

MOTHER:Whatdoyouwantyourtiefor?ALBERT:Iwanttoputiton.Iaskedyoutopressitformethismorning.Igaveit

toyouthismorningbeforeIwenttowork,didn’tI?

She goes to the gas stove, examines the vegetables, opens the oven andlooksintoit.

MOTHER [gently]: Well, your dinner’ll be ready soon. You can look for itafterwards.Laythetable,there’sagoodboy.

ALBERT:WhyshouldIlookforitafterwards?Youknowwhereitisnow.MOTHER:You’vegotfiveminutes.Godowntothecellar,Albert,getabulband

putitinGrandma’sroom,goon.ALBERT [irritably]: I don’t know why you keep calling that room Grandma’s

room,she’sbeendeadtenyears.MOTHER:Albert!ALBERT:Imean,it’sjustajunkroom,that’sallitis.MOTHER:Albert, that’snowaytospeakaboutyourGrandma,youknowthatas

wellasIdo.ALBERT:I’mnotsayingawordagainstGrandma—MOTHER:You’llupsetmeinaminute,yougoonlikethat.ALBERT:I’mnotgoingonaboutanything.MOTHER:Yes,youare.Nowwhydon’tyougoandputabulbinGrandma’sroom

andbythetimeyoucomedownI’llhaveyourdinneronthetable.ALBERT: I can’t godown to the cellar, I’vegotmybest trouserson, I’vegot a

whiteshirton.MOTHER: You’re dressing up tonight, aren’t you? Dressing up, cleaning your

shoes,anyonewouldthinkyouweregoingtotheRitz.ALBERT:I’mnotgoingtotheRitz.MOTHER[suspiciously]:Whatdoyoumean,you’renotgoingtotheRitz?ALBERT:Whatdoyoumean?MOTHER:Thewayyousaidyou’renotgoingtotheRitz,itsoundedlikeyouwere

goingsomewhereelse.ALBERT[wearily]:Iam.

MOTHER[shockedsurprise]:You’regoingout?ALBERT: You know I’m going out. I told you I was going out. I told you last

week.Itoldyouthismorning.Look,where’smytie?I’vegottohavemytie.I’mlatealready.Comeon,Mum,where’dyouputit?

MOTHER:Whataboutyourdinner?ALBERT[searching]:Look…Itoldyou…Ihaven’tgotthe…waitaminute…

ah,hereitis.MOTHER:Youcan’twearthattie.Ihaven’tpressedit.ALBERT:Youhave.Lookat it.Ofcourseyouhave. It’sbeautifullypressed. It’s

fine.

Hetiesthetie.

MOTHER:Whereareyougoing?ALBERT:Mum,I’vetoldyou,honestly,threetimes.Honestly,I’vetoldyouthree

timesIhadtogoouttonight.MOTHER:No,youdidn’t.

ALBERTexclaimsandknotsthetie.

Ithoughtyouwerejoking.ALBERT:I’mnotgoing…I’mjustgoingtoMr.King’s.I’vetoldyou.Youdon’t

believeme.MOTHER:You’regoingtoMr.King’s?ALBERT:Mr.Ryan’s leaving.YouknowRyan.He’s leaving the firm.He’sbeen

thereyears.SoMr.King’sgivingasortofpartyforhimathishouse…well,notexactlyaparty,notaparty,justafew…youknow…anyway,we’reallinvited.I’vegottogo.Everyoneelseisgoing.I’vegottogo.Idon’twanttogo,butI’vegotto.

MOTHER[bewildered,sitting]:Well,Idon’tknow…ALBERT[withhisarmroundher]: Iwon’tbe late. Idon’twant togo. I’dmuch

ratherstaywithyou.MOTHER:Wouldyou?ALBERT:YouknowIwould.WhowantstogotoMr.King’sparty?MOTHER:Weweregoingtohaveourgameofcards.ALBERT:Well,wecan’thaveourgameofcards.

[Pause.]MOTHER:PutthebulbinGrandma’sroom,Albert.ALBERT:I’vetoldyouI’mnotgoingdowntothecellarinmywhiteshirt.There’s

no light in the cellar either. I’ll be pitch black in fiveminutes, looking forthosebulbs.

MOTHER:Itoldyoutoputalightinthecellar.Itoldyouyesterday.ALBERT:Well,Ican’tdoitnow.MOTHER: Ifwehada light in thecellaryou’dbeable toseewhere thosebulbs

were.Youdon’texpectmetogodowntothecellar?ALBERT:Idon’tknowwhywekeepbulbsinthecellar!

[Pause.]MOTHER:Yourfatherwouldturninhisgraveifheheardyouraiseyourvoiceto

me.You’re all I’vegot,Albert. Iwantyou to remember that. I haven’t gotanyoneelse.Iwantyou…Iwantyoutobearthatinmind.

ALBERT:I’msorry…Iraisedmyvoice.

Hegoestothedoor.

[Mumbling.]I’vegottogo.MOTHER[following]:Albert!ALBERT:What?MOTHER:Iwanttoaskyouaquestion.ALBERT:What?MOTHER:Areyouleadingacleanlife?ALBERT:Acleanlife?MOTHER:You’renotleadinganuncleanlife,areyou?ALBERT:Whatareyoutalkingabout?MOTHER:You’renotmessingaboutwithgirls,areyou?You’renotgoing togo

messingaboutwithgirlstonight?ALBERT:Don’tbesoridiculous.MOTHER:Answerme,Albert.I’myourmother.ALBERT:Idon’tknowanygirls.MOTHER:Ifyou’regoingtothefirm’sparty,there’llbegirlsthere,won’tthere?

Girlsfromtheoffice?ALBERT:Idon’tlikethem,anyofthem.MOTHER:Youpromise?ALBERT:Promisewhat?MOTHER:That…thatyouwon’tupsetyourfather.ALBERT:My father? How can I upset my father? You’re always talking about

upsettingpeoplewhoaredead!MOTHER: Oh, Albert, you don’t know how you hurt me, you don’t know the

hurtfulwayyou’vegot,speakingofyourpoorfatherlikethat.ALBERT:Butheisdead.MOTHER:He’snot!He’s living! [Touchingherbreast.] In here!And this is his

house![Pause.]

ALBERT:Look,Mum,Iwon’tbelate…andIwon’t…MOTHER:Butwhataboutyourdinner?It’snearlyready.ALBERT:SeeleyandKedgearewaitingforme.Itoldyounottocookdinnerthis

morning.[Hegoestothestairs.]Justbecauseyouneverlisten…

Herunsupthestairsanddisappears.Shecallsafterhimfromthehall.

MOTHER: Well, what am I going to do while you’re out? I can’t go intoGrandma’sroombecausethere’snolight.Ican’tgodowntothecellarinthedark,weweregoingtohaveagameofcards,it’sFridaynight,whataboutourgameofrummy?

SCENETWO

Acoffeestallbyarailwayarch.Awoodenbenchis situated a shortdistancefromit.

SEELEYandKEDGE,bothaboutALBERT’Sage,areatthecounter,talkingtothebarman.Anoldmanleansatthecornerofthecounter.

SEELEY:Giveusacheeserollaswell,willyou?KEDGE:Makeittwo.SEELEY:Makeittwo.BARMAN:Twocheeserolls.SEELEY:Whatarethese,sausages?BARMAN:Bestporksausages.SEELEY[toKEDGE]:Youwantasausage?KEDGE[shuddering]:No,thanks.SEELEY:Yes,you’reright.BARMAN:Twocheeserolls.Whataboutthesesausages,youwantthemordon’t

you?SEELEY:Justtherolls,mate.BARMAN:Twotea,tworolls,makesoneandeightpence.

SEELEYgiveshimhalfacrown.

KEDGE:There’llbeplentytoeatattheparty.SEELEY:I’llbet.OLDMAN:Eh![Theyturntohim.]Yourmatewasbyherenotlongago.SEELEY:Whichmate?OLDMAN:Hehadacupoftea,didn’the,Fred?Sittingovertherehewas,onthe

bench.Hesaidhewasgoinghometochangebuttotellyouhe’dbeback.KEDGE:Uh-uh.OLDMAN:Notgonemorethanaboveforty-fiveminutes.BARMAN:Oneandeightfromhalfadollarleavesyoutenpennies.OLDMAN:Anyway,hetoldmetotellyouwhenIseeyouhewascomingback.KEDGE:Thanksverymuch.SEELEY:Well,Ihopehewon’tbelong.Idon’twanttomissthebooze.KEDGE:Youthinkthere’llbemuchthere,doyou?OLDMAN:Yes,hewassittingoverthere.KEDGE:Whowas?OLDMAN:Yourmate.SEELEY:Ohyes.OLDMAN:Yes, sittingover therehewas.Tookhiscupof teaandwentandsat

down,didn’the,Fred?Hesattherelookingverycompressedwithhimself.KEDGE:Verywhat?OLDMAN:Compressed.Ithoughthewaslookingcompressed,didn’tyou,Fred?BARMAN:Depressed.Hemeansdepressed.SEELEY:Nowonder.WhataboutthatgameonSaturday,eh?KEDGE:Youweregoingtotellme.Youhaven’ttoldmeyet.BARMAN:Whatgame?Fulham?SEELEY:No,thefirm.Firm’sgotateam,see?PlayonSaturdays.BARMAN:Who’dyouplay?SEELEY:Otherfirms.BARMAN:Youboysintheteam,areyou?KEDGE:Yes.I’vebeenoffsickthough.Ididn’tplaylastweek.BARMAN:Sick,eh?Youwanttotryoneofmysausages,don’the,Henry?OLDMAN:Oh,ay,yes.KEDGE:Whathappenedwiththegame,then?

Theymovetothebench.

SEELEY:Well,whenyoucouldn’tplay,GidneymovedAlberttoleftback.

KEDGE:He’salefthalf.SEELEY:Iknowhe’salefthalf.IsaidtoGidneymyself,Isaidtohim,look,why

don’tyougoleftback,Gidney?Hesaid,no,I’mtoovaluableatcentrehalf.KEDGE:Hedidn’t,didhe?SEELEY:Yes.Well,youknowwhowasontherightwing,don’tyou?Connor.KEDGE:Who?TonyConnor?SEELEY: No. You know Connor. What’s the matter with you? You’ve played

againstConnoryourself.KEDGE:Oh—whatsisname—MickyConnor.SEELEY:Yes.KEDGE:Ithoughthe’dgivenupthegame.SEELEY:No,whatareyoutalkingabout?Heplaysfortheprintingworks,plays

outsiderightfortheprintingworks.KEDGE:He’sagoodballplayer,thatConnor,isn’the?SEELEY:Look.IsaidtoAlbertbeforethekickoff,Connor’sontherightwing,I

said,playyournormalgame.Itoldhimsixtimesbeforethekickoff.KEDGE:What’sthegoodofhimplayinghisnormalgame?He’salefthalf,he’s

notaleftback.SEELEY:Yes,buthe’sadefensivelefthalf,isn’the?That’swhyItoldhimtoplay

hisnormalgame.Youdon’twanttoworryaboutConnor,Isaid,he’sagoodballplayerbuthe’snotallthatgood.

KEDGE:Oh,he’sgood,though.SEELEY:Noone’sdenyinghe’sgood.Buthe’snotallthatgood.Imean,he’snot

tip-top.YouknowwhatImean?KEDGE:He’sfast.SEELEY:He’sfast,buthe’snotallthatfast,ishe?KEDGE[doubtfully]:Well,notallthatfast…SEELEY:WhataboutLevy?WasLevyfast?KEDGE:Well,Levywasasprinter.SEELEY:Hewasadasher,Levy.Allheknewwasrun.KEDGE:Hecouldmove.SEELEY:Yes,butlookhowAlbertplayedhim!Hecuthimoff,heplayedhimout

thegame.AndLevy’sfasterthanConnor.KEDGE:Yes,buthewasn’tsoclever,though.SEELEY:Well,whataboutFoxall?KEDGE:Who?LouFoxall?SEELEY:No,you’retalkingaboutLouFox,I’mtalkingaboutSandyFoxall.

KEDGE:Oh,thewinger.SEELEY:Sure.Hewasaverysmartballplayer,Foxall.ButwhatdidAlbertdo?

He played his normal game. He let him come. He waited for him. AndConnor’snotascleverasFoxall.

KEDGE:He’scleverthough.SEELEY:Gawdblimey,Iknowhe’sclever,buthe’snotascleverasFoxall,ishe?KEDGE:Thetroubleis,withConnor,he’sfasttoo,isn’the?SEELEY:But ifAlbertwould have played his normal game!He played a game

foreigntohim.KEDGE:Howmany’dConnorget?SEELEY:Hemadethreeandscoredtwo.

Pause.Theyeat.

KEDGE:Nowonderhe’sdepressed,oldAlbert.SEELEY:Oh,hewasverydepressedafterthegame,Icantellyou.Andofcourse

Gidneywasafterhim,ofcourse.YouknowGidney.KEDGE:Thatbirk.

[Pause.]OLDMAN:Yes,hewassittingoverwhereyouarenow,wasn’the,Fred?Looking

verycompressedwithhimself.Light-hairedbloke,ain’the?SEELEY:Yes,light-haired.

SCENETHREE

Thehouse.ALBERT is comingdown the stairs.He iswearinghis jacket.Hegoestowardsthedoor.Hismothercallsfromthekitchenandgoesintothehall.

MOTHER:Albert!Whereareyougoing?ALBERT:Out.MOTHER:Yourdinner’sready.ALBERT:I’msorry.Ihaven’tgottimetohaveit.MOTHER:Lookatyoursuit.You’renotgoingoutwithyoursuitinthatstate,are

you?ALBERT:What’sthematterwithit?

MOTHER:Itneedsagoodbrush,that’swhat’sthematterwithit.Youcan’tgooutlikethat.Comeon,comeinhereandI’llgiveitabrush.

ALBERT:It’sallright…MOTHER:Comeon.

Theygointothekitchen.Shegetsthebrush.

Turn round. No, stand still. You can’t go out and disgrace me, Albert. Ifyou’vegottogooutyou’vegottolooknice.There,that’sbetter.

Shedustshisjacketwithherhandsandstraightenshistie.

I didn’t tell you what I made for you, did I? I made it specially. I madeShepherd’sPietonight.

ALBERT[takingherhandfromhistie]:Thetie’sallright.

Hegoestothedoor.

Well,ta-ta.MOTHER:Albert!Waitaminute.Where’syourhandkerchief?ALBERT:Whathandkerchief?MOTHER:Youhaven’tgotahandkerchiefinyourbreastpocket.ALBERT:Thatdoesn’tmatter,doesit?MOTHER:Doesn’tmatter?Ishouldsayitdoesmatter.Justaminute.[Shetakesahandkerchieffromadrawer.]Hereyouare.Anicecleanone.[Shearrangesitinhispocket.]Youmustn’tletmedown,youknow.You’vegottobeproperlydressed.Your fatherwasalwaysproperlydressed.You’dnever seehimoutwithout a handkerchief in his breast pocket. He always looked like agentleman.

SCENEFOUR

Thecoffeestall.KEDGEisreturningfromthecounterwithtwoteas.

KEDGE:Timewewerethere.SEELEY:We’llgivehimfiveminutes.KEDGE:IbethisMum’scombinghishairforhim,eh?

Hechucklesandsits.

Youevermether,Seeley?SEELEY:Who?KEDGE:His…mother.SEELEY:Yes.KEDGE:What’sshelike?SEELEY[shortly]:She’sallright.KEDGE:Allright,isshe?SEELEY:Itoldyou.Ijustsaidshewasallright.

[Pause.]KEDGE:No,what Imean is,healwaysgetsabitnigglywhenshe’smentioned,

doesn’the?Abittouchy.Younoticedthat?SEELEY[unwillingly]:Yes.KEDGE:Why’sthat,then?SEELEY:Idon’tknow.What’reyouaskingmefor?KEDGE: Idon’tknow. I just thoughtyoumight…sortof…well, Imean,you

knowhimbetterthanIdo,don’tyou?[Pause.]Ofcourse,hedon’tletmuchslip,doeshe,oldAlbert?

SEELEY:No,notmuch.KEDGE:He’sabitdeepreally,isn’the?SEELEY:Yes,he’sabitdeep.

[Pause.]KEDGE:Secretive.SEELEY[irritably]:Whatdoyoumean,secretive?Whatareyoutalkingabout?KEDGE:Iwasjustsayinghewassecretive.SEELEY:Whatareyoutalkingabout?Whatdoyoumean,he’ssecretive?KEDGE:Yousaidyourselfhewasdeep.SEELEY:Isaidhewasdeep.Ididn’tsayhewassecretive!

ALBERTwalksthroughtherailwayarchacrosstothebench.

KEDGE:Hullo,Albert.ALBERT:Hullo.KEDGE:That’sanicebitofclobberyou’vegotonthere.SEELEY:Veryfair,veryfair.KEDGE:Yes,fitsyoulikeaglove.SEELEY:Well,comeon,catchathirty-sixroundthecorner.ALBERT:Waitaminute,I…Idon’tthinkIfeellikegoing,actually.

KEDGE:Whatareyoutalkingabout?ALBERT:Idon’tfeellikeit,that’sall.SEELEY:What,withallthatdrinklaidon?ALBERT:No,I’vejustgotabitofaheadache.OLDMAN: That’s the bloke! That’s the blokewas here before, isn’t it, Fred? I

gavethemyourmessage,son.ALBERT:Oh…thanks.OLDMAN:Didn’tI?KEDGE:Youdid,youdid,mate.SEELEY:Well,what’sgoingon,youcomingorwhat?ALBERT[touchinghisforehead]:No,Ifeelabit…youknow…KEDGE:Don’tyouknowwho’llbetheretonight,Albert?ALBERT:Who?KEDGE:Joyce.ALBERT:Joyce?Well,whataboutit?KEDGE:AndEileen.ALBERT:Well,sowhat?KEDGE:AndBetty.Betty’llbethere.They’llallbethere.SEELEY:Betty?Who’sBetty?KEDGE:Betty?Whatdoyoumean?Youdon’tknowBetty?SEELEY:There’snogirlintheofficecalledBetty.KEDGE:Betty!Thedarkbit!Thenewone.Theonethatcameinlastweek.The

littleone,inthecorner!SEELEY:Oh,her.IshernameBetty?Ithoughtitwas—KEDGE:Betty.Hername’sBetty.SEELEY:I’vebeencallingherHetty.

[Pause.]KEDGE:Anywhat,she’llbethere.She’sraringtogo,thatone.ALBERT:Well,yougothen,I’ll…KEDGE: Albert, what’s thematter with you,mate? It’s wine, women and song

tonight.ALBERT:Iseethemeveryday,don’tI?What’snewinthat?KEDGE:YoufrightenedGidney’llbeafteryou,then,becauseofthegame?ALBERT:Whatdoyoumean?KEDGE:Goon,everyonehasabadgame,Albert.ALBERT:Yes,theydo,don’tthey?KEDGE: I played against Connor myself once. He’s tricky. He’s a very tricky

ballplayer.ALBERT:Yes.SEELEY:Cleverplayer,Connor.ALBERT:What’sGidneygottodowithit,Kedge?KEDGE:Well,youknowwhatheis.ALBERT:What?KEDGE:Well,he’scaptainoftheteam,isn’the,forabang-off?ALBERT:Youthink—?SEELEY:Oh,scrubroundit,willyou?It’slate—ALBERT:YouthinkI’mfrightenedofGidney?KEDGE:Ididn’tsayyouwere—SEELEY:Gidney’sallright.What’sthematterwithGidney?ALBERT:Yes.What’swrongwithhim?KEDGE: Nothing. There’s nothing wrong with him. He’s a nice bloke. He’s a

charmer,isn’the?SEELEY:Thecreamofthecream.Well,comeon,youcomingorwhat?ALBERT:Yes,allright.I’llcome.SEELEY:Justaminute.I’llgetsomefags.

Hegoestothecounter.ALBERTandKEDGEareleftstanding.

[TotheBARMAN.]Twenty‘Weights’,mate.

KEDGEregardsALBERT.

KEDGE:How’syourMum,Albert?ALBERT:Allright.KEDGE:That’stheidea.BARMAN:Onlygot‘Woods’.SEELEY:They’lldo.ALBERT[quietly]:Whatdoyoumean,how’smyMum?KEDGE:Ijustaskedhowshewas,that’sall.ALBERT:Whyshouldn’tshebeallright?KEDGE:Ididn’tsayshewasn’t.ALBERT:Well,sheis.KEDGE:Well,that’sallrightthen,isn’tit?ALBERT:Whatareyougettingat?KEDGE:Idon’tknowwhat’sthematterwithyoutonight,Albert.SEELEY[returning]:What’supnow?

ALBERT:Kedgehere,suddenlyaskshowmymotheris.KEDGE:Justafriendlyquestion,that’sall.Gaw!Youcan’tevenaskablokehow

hismotherisnowwithouthimgettingniggly!ALBERT:Well,why’shesuddenlyask—?SEELEY: He was just asking a friendly question, mate.What’s thematter with

you?[Pause]

ALBERT:Oh.SEELEY:Well,howisshe,then?ALBERT:She’sfine.Whataboutyours?SEELEY:Fine.Fine.

[Pause.]KEDGE:Mine’sfinetoo,youknow.Great.Absolutelygreat.Amarvelforherage,

mymotheris.Ofcourse,shehadmeverylate.[Pause.]

SEELEY:Well?Areyoucomingornot?Orwhat?KEDGE:I’mcoming.ALBERT[following]:I’mcoming.

SCENEFIVE

Thekitchen.TheMOTHER isputtingALBERT’Sdinner into theoven.Shetakesthealarmclockfromthemantelpieceandputsitonthetable.Shetakesoutapackofcards,sitsatthetableandbeginstolayouta game of patience. Close up of her, broodingly setting out thecards.Closeupoftheclock.Itissevenforty-five.

ACTTWO

SCENEONE

The lounge of MR. KING’S house. The party is in progress. KEDGEandBETTYaredancing.Musiccomesfromaradiogram.MR.KING,anurbaneman inhis fifties,GIDNEY, the chief accountant, in his latetwenties, SEELEY and ALBERT, are standing in a group. JOYCE

andEILEENareat the tablewhichservesasabar.Twomenandawomanofindeterminateagesitholdingdrinks.HORNEandBARROW,twoyoungclerks,standby thedoor.MR.RYAN, theoldman, sits inthecentreoftheroom,smiling.

JOYCE:Youenjoyingtheparty,Mr.Ryan?

RYANnodsandsmiles.

EILEEN[pleasantly]:Enjoyingtheparty,areyou?

Henods,winksandsmiles.

KING:Irecommendabicycle,honestly.Itreallykeepsyouuptothemark.Outinthemorning,onthebike,throughthetown…theairinyourlungs,musclesworking…youarriveatwork…youarriveatworkfresh…youknowwhatImean?Uplifted.

GIDNEY:Notsogoodintherain.KING:Refreshesyou!Clearsthecobwebs.[Helaughs.]SEELEY:Youdon’twalktowork,doyou,Gidney?GIDNEY:Me?I’vegotthecar.KING:Idrivetoo,ofcourse,butIoftenthinkseriouslyoftakingupcyclingagain.

Ioftenthinkveryseriouslyaboutit,youknow.JOYCE[toRYAN]:Niceparty,isn’tit,Mr.Ryan?

RYANnodsandinclineshishead,smiling.

KEDGE[dancing]:Youdancelikeadream,Betty,youknowthat?

BETTY[shyly]:Idon’t.KEDGE:Youdo.Honest.Likeadream.Likeadreamcometrue.BETTY:You’rejustsayingthat.KING:Well,Kedge looksall rightagain,doesn’the?Whatwas thematterwith

him?I’veforgotten.SEELEY:Stomachtrouble.KING:Notenoughexercise.[ToKEDGE.]You’llhavetoseeyougetmoreexercise,

Kedge!KEDGE[passing]:Youneversaidatruerword,Mr.King.SEELEY:Well,hedon’tlookinbadtrimtome,Mr.King.

Theylaugh.

KING:Imustadmitit.GIDNEY:He’llnevergettothelastlapwiththatone,Icantellyou.KING[smiling]:Now,now,youyoungmen,that’squiteenoughofthat.Nomore

ofthat.GIDNEY[pleasantly]:Whatareyoulaughingat,Stokes?ALBERT:What?GIDNEY:Sorry.Ithoughtyouwerelaughing.ALBERT:Iwaslaughing.Youmadeajoke.GIDNEY:Ohyes,ofcourse.Sorry.

[Pause.]Well,we’vegotKedgebackatleftbacknextSaturday.

KING:Yes.Excuseme.SEELEY:That’salovelypairofshoesyou’rewearing,Gidney.GIDNEY:Doyouthinkso?SEELEY:Oh, they’re thebest, theverybest, aren’t they,Albert?Gidneyalways

wearsanicepairofshoes,doesn’the,younoticedthat?That’sonethingI’llsayaboutyou,Gidney—youcarryyourfeetwell.

EILEEN:Amambo!Who’sgoingtodance?SEELEY:I’llgiveitatrot.

SEELEYandEILEENdance.

GIDNEY:Don’tyoudance,Stokes?ALBERT:Yes,sometimes.GIDNEY:Doyou?Youwillexcuseme,won’tyou?ALBERT:Yes.

ALBERTisleftstanding.

KING:Well,Ryan,enjoyingtheparty?

RYANnods,smiles.

Nicetoseealotofyoungpeopleenjoyingthemselves,eh?

RYANnods,smiles.

Ofcourse,it’sallinyourhonour,oldman.Let’sfillyouup.I’llbetheoldestmanintheofficeafteryou’vegone.

GIDNEYandJOYCE,whispering.

JOYCE:No.WhyshouldI?GIDNEY:Goon.Justforalark.JOYCE:Whatfor?GIDNEY:Foralark.Justforalark.JOYCE:You’vegotanevilmind,youhave.GIDNEY:No,it’llamuseme,that’sall.Ifeellikebeingamused.JOYCE:Well,I’mnotgoingto.GIDNEY:Gah,youwouldn’tknowhowto,anyway.JOYCE:Oh,wouldn’tI?GIDNEY[takingherarm]:GetholdofEileen,don’ttellherItoldyouthough,and

gooverand leadhimadance, just leadhimadance, that’sall,seewhathedoes.Iwanttoseehisreaction,that’sall,Ijustwanttoseehowhetakesit.

JOYCE:What,infrontofeveryoneelse,infrontof—?GIDNEY:Justtalktohim,talktohim.Idon’tmeananythingelse,doI?JOYCE:WhatdoIgetifIdo?GIDNEY:Atoffeeapple.JOYCE:Oh,really?Thankyou.GIDNEY:I’lltakeyouforarideinthecar.Honest.SEELEY[dancing]:Hullo,Mr.Ryan.Enjoyingtheparty?EILEEN:Youdancewell,don’tyou?SEELEY:Iwasgoinginforballetonce.EILEEN:Goon!SEELEY:Yes, true.Theyofferedmetheleadingpart inRigoletto.WhenIwasa

boysoprano.EILEEN:You’remakingitup.GIDNEY[toJOYCE]:No,hejustirritatesme,thatbloke.I…Ihaven’tgotanytime

forablokelikethat.JOYCE:He’sjustquiet,that’sall.GIDNEY:Well,seeifyoucanwakehimup.KING [to BETTY]: Well, Miss Todd, it hasn’t taken you long to get to know

everyone,hasit?BETTY:Ohno,Mr.King.KEDGE:I’vetakenherundermywing,Mr.King.KING:SoInoticed.KEDGE:Yes,I’vebeenteachingherallaboutmortalitytables.Itoldherincaseof

fireorburglarycommissionanddamagescometoher.KING:IwouldhardlytakeKedge’swordasgospel,MissTodd.KEDGE:YouknowI’vegotthebestinterestsofthefirmatheart,Mr.King.GIDNEY[drinking,withJOYCE]:Anyway,I’mthinkingofmovingon.Youstaytoo

long in a place you go daft. After all, with my qualifications I could goanywhere.

HeseesALBERTatthebar.

Couldn’tI,Stokes?ALBERT:What?GIDNEY: Iwas saying,withmyqualifications I could go anywhere. I could go

anywhereandbeanything.ALBERT:SocouldI.GIDNEY:Couldyou?Whatqualificationshaveyougot?ALBERT:Well,I’vegotafew,youknow.GIDNEY: Listen!Do you know thatChelseawanted to signme up a few years

ago?Theyhadascoutdowntooneofourgames.Theywantedtosignmeup.AndI’lltellyouanotherthingaswell.IcouldturnprofessionalcricketeranydayIwantedto,ifIwantedto.

ALBERT:Thenwhydon’tyou?GIDNEY:Idon’twantto.JOYCE:You’dlooklovelyinwhite.GIDNEY:Thesepeoplewhotalkaboutqualifications.Justmakesmelaugh,that’s

all.KEDGE[inthecorneroftheroom,inanarmchairwithBETTY]:Oh,you’relovely.

You’retheloveliestthingonfourwheels.KING [toHORNEandBARROW,by the door]:Well, I hope you’ll both be in the

teamsoonyourselves.Ithinkit’saverygoodthingwe’ve…thatthefirm’s

gotafootball team.Andacricket team,ofcourse. Itshowswelookon thelightersideofthingstoo.Don’tyouagree?

HORNE:Ohyes,Mr.King.BARROW:Yes,Mr.King.KING:Alsogivesasenseofbelonging.Worktogetherandplaytogether.Office

workcanbecomesoimpersonal.Weliketofoster…tofostersomething…verydifferent.YouknowwhatImean?

HORNE:Ohyes,Mr.King.BARROW:Yes,Mr.King.KING:You interested insailing,byanychance?You’requitewelcome tocome

downtomyboatatPooleanyweekend—doabitofsailingalongthecoast.HORNE:Oh,thankyou,Mr.King.BARROW:Thankyou,Mr.King.

JOYCEandEILEEN,whispering.

JOYCE[slyly]:Eh,whataboutgoingoverandcheeringupoldAlbert?EILEEN:Whatfor?JOYCE:Well,helooksabitgloomy,don’the?EILEEN:Idon’twanttogoover.Yougoover.JOYCE:No,comeon.Youcomeover.EILEEN:Whatfor?JOYCE:Cheerhimup.Forabitoffun.EILEEN:Oh,you’reawful.JOYCE:Comeon.Comeover.KING[toRYAN]:CanIfillyourglass,Ryan?

[RYANnods,andsmiles.]Can’tleaveyouwithoutadrink,canwe?Theguestofhonour.

JOYCEandEILEENsiteithersideofALBERTonadivan.

JOYCE:Mindifwejoinyou?ALBERT:Oh,hullo.EILEEN:Enjoyingtheparty?JOYCE:Whatareyousittingallgloomyabout?ALBERT:I’mnotgloomy,I’mjustsitting,drinking.Feelabittired,actually.JOYCE:Why,whathaveyoubeendoing?ALBERT:Nothing.JOYCE:Youjustsaidyouweretired.Eh,moveup,I’montheedge.

ALBERT:Sorry.EILEEN:Eh,mindout,you’resquashingme.ALBERT:Oh…JOYCE:Yousquashher,shewon’tmind.EILEEN[laughing]:Oh,Joyce!

GIDNEY,withasmile,watching.

JOYCE:Comeon,tellus,whatareyoutiredabout?ALBERT:Oh,justwork,Isuppose.JOYCE:I’vebeenworkingtoo.I’mnottired.Ilovework.Don’tyou,Eileen?[Sheleansacrosshimtospeak.]

EILEEN:Ohyes,Ilovework.ALBERT:No,I’mnottired,really.I’mallright.EILEEN:Helookstired.JOYCE:You’vebeenlivingitup.Women.EILEEN:I’llbet.JOYCE:Females.

Thegirlsgiggle.

ALBERT[withanuncertainsmile]:No,Iwouldn’t…EILEEN:Eh,mindyourdrink.Mybesttaffeta.JOYCE:He’snotbadlookingwhenyougetclose.EILEEN:Quitenicewhenyougetclose.ALBERT:Thanksforthecompliment.EILEEN:Yougotaflatofyourown?ALBERT:No.Haveyou?EILEEN[forlornly]:No.JOYCE:Youlivewithyourmother,don’tyou?ALBERT:Yes.JOYCE:Doesshelookafteryouallright,then?ALBERT:Yes,she…[Hestands.]I’mjustgoingtothebar.JOYCE:Soarewe.EILEEN:Metoo.

Theyfollow.

KING:Well,noweveryone…JOYCE:I’mhavinggin.ALBERT:Gin?Waitaminute…

KING:Justaminute,everyone,canIhaveyourattention?GIDNEY[toJOYCE]:Didn’tmakemuchimpression,didyou?JOYCE:Didn’tI?KING:Justforamoment,please…GIDNEY:Eh,Stokes,payattention,willyou?ALBERT:What?GIDNEY:Mr.Kingwantsyourattention.KING:I’djustliketoproposeatoasttoourguestofhonour,Mr.Ryan.Gidney!GIDNEY:Yes?ALBERT:Here’syourgin,then.JOYCE:Thanks.KING [toGIDNEY]:GoandgetKedgeoutof thatcorner,willyou?Now,asyou

know,we’reallgatheredheretonighttopayourrespectstoouroldfriendandcolleague,Mr.Ryan…

KEDGEandBETTYarelockedtogetherinthearmchair. GIDNEYtapsKEDGEontheshoulder.

GIDNEY:Mr.Kingwantstoknowifyou’llhonourthepartywithyourpresence.KEDGE[jumpingup]:Oh,sorry,[BETTY,thrownoff,falls.Hepicksherup.]Sorry.KING:We’veall knownMr.Ryan for avery long time.Of course, I’veknown

himmyselfmuchlongerthananyonehere—KEDGE:Forhe’sajollygoodfellow—KING:Wait!Veryglad foryour enthusiasm,Mr.Kedge.Yourheart, I amquite

sure,isintherightplace.

Generallaughter.

ALBERT, EILEEN, JOYCE, SEELEY and GIDNEY stand in a group around MR.RYAN’Schair.

ButpleaseallowmetotoastMr.Ryanfirstandthenthefloorisyours.Well,asIwassaying,thewholedepartmentisheretonighttopaytributetoamanwhofromtimeimmemorialhasbecome,howshallIputit, theverycoreofour littlecommunity. I rememberMr.Ryansittingathisveryowndesk thefirsttimemyfatherbroughtmeintotheoffice—

AsharpscreamandstiffeningfromEILEEN.Allturntoher.

Goodheavens!GIDNEY:Whatisit?

ADLIB:What’shappened?Eileen,what’sthematter?EILEEN:Someonetouchedme!JOYCE:Touchedyou?EILEEN:Someonetouchedme!Someone—!BETTY:Whatdidhedo?KEDGE:Touchedyou?Whatdidhedo?JOYCE:Whatdidhedo,Eileen?EILEEN:He…he…hetookaliberty!KEDGE:Goon!Whodid?

EILEENturnsandstaresatALBERT.Silence.AllstareatALBERT.

ALBERT:Whatareyoulookingatmefor?GIDNEY[muttering]:GoodGod…

Tense,embarrassedpause.

HORNE[atthedoor,whispering]:Whatdidhedo,touchher?BARROW[open-mouthed]:Yes.HORNE[wide-eyed]:Where?

Theylookateachother,open-mouthedandwide-eyed.

ALBERT:Whatareyoulookingatmefor?KING:Please,now…canwepossibly…Imean…EILEEN[inavoiceofreproach,indignationandhorror]:Albert!ALBERT:Whatdoyoumean?SEELEY:HowdoessheknowitwasAlbert?KEDGE:Wonderwhathedid.Madeherjumpdidn’the?ALBERT:Nowlook,waitaminute,thisisabsolutelyridiculous—GIDNEY:Ridiculous,eh?I’llsayitis.Whatdoyouthinkyou’reupto?EILEEN:Yes,Iwasjuststandingthere,suddenlythishand…JOYCE:Icouldtellhewasthatsort.

ThecameraclosesonMR.RYAN’Shand,restingcomfortablyonhisknee,andthentohisfacewhich,smilingvaguely,isinclinedtotheceiling.Itmustbequiteclearfromtheexpressionthatitwashishandwhichstrayed.

GIDNEY:Comeouthere,Albert.ALBERT:Don’tpullme.Whatareyoudoing?SEELEY:Howdoyouknowitwashim?ALBERT[throwingoffGIDNEY’Shand]:Letgoofme!

SEELEY:Whatareyoupullinghimfor?GIDNEY:Youkeepoutofthis.KING [nervously]:Nowplease letme continuemy toast, ladies and gentlemen.

Really,youmustsettlethiselsewhere.SEELEY:Wedon’tevenknowwhathe’ssupposedtohavedone.ALBERT:Ididn’tdoanything.GIDNEY:Wecanguesswhathedid.KING[atspeed]:WeareallcollectedheretonightinhonourofMr.Ryanandto

presenthimwithatokenofouraffection—JOYCE[toALBERT]:Yousnake!SEELEY:Well,whatdidhedo?What’shesupposedtohavedone?ALBERT:Shedoesn’tknowwhatshe’stalkingabout.SEELEY:Comeon,what’shesupposedtohavedone,Eileen,anyway?EILEEN:Mindyouownbusiness.JOYCE:Youdon’tthinkshe’sgoingtotellyou,doyou?GIDNEY:Look,Seeley,whydon’tyoushutup?SEELEY:Nowdon’ttalktomelikethat,Gidney.ALBERT:Don’tworryabouthim,Seeley.KING:AsIhavebeentryingtosay—JOYCE:Youcomeoverhere,Eileen,sitdown.She’supset,aren’tyou?EILEEN[toSEELEY]:Sowouldyoube!KING:MissPhipps,wouldyoumindcomposingyourself?EILEEN:Composingmyself!GIDNEY:Comeoutsideaminute,Albert.KING:AsIhavebeentryingtosay—KEDGE[brightly]:I’mlistening,Mr.King!KING:What?KEDGE:I’mlistening.I’mwithyou.KING:Oh,thankyou.Thankyou,myboy.ALBERT:I’mgoing,anyway.

ALBERTgoesintothehall,followedbyGIDNEYandSEELEY.Thedoorshutsbehindthem.

GIDNEY:Waitaminute,Stokes.ALBERT:Whatdoyouwant?GIDNEY:Ihaven’tbeensatisfiedwithyour…sortof…behaviourforsometime,

youknowthat,don’tyou?

ALBERT:Youhaven’t…youhaven’twhat?GIDNEY:For instance, therewas thatbloodyawfulgameof footballyouplayed

when you threw the game away last Saturday that I’ve got on my mind,besidesoneortwootherthings!

SEELEY:Ehlook,Gidney,you’retalkinglikeaprize—GIDNEY[viciously]:I’vetoldyoutokeepoutofthis.ALBERT[tensely]:I’mgoing,anyway.GIDNEY:Waitaminute,let’shaveitout.Whatdoyouthinkyou’reupto?ALBERT:Look,I’vetoldyou—GIDNEY:Whatdidyouthinkyouweredoingwiththatgirl?ALBERT:Ididn’ttouchher.GIDNEY: I’m responsible for that girl. She’s a good friendofmine. I knowher

uncle.ALBERT:Doyou?SEELEY:Youknow,you’rebeingsostupid,Gidney—GIDNEY:Seeley,Icantakeyouanyday,youknowthat,don’tyou?SEELEY:Goon!GIDNEY:Anyday.SEELEY:Youcantakemeanyday?GIDNEY:Anyday.SEELEY:Well,goon,then.Goon…ifyoucantakeme…ALBERT:Seeley—SEELEY:No,ifhesayshecantakeme,ifhecantakemeanyday…

Thedooropensslightly.HORNEandBARROWpeerout.

ALBERT:Gidney,whydon’tyou…whydon’tyougetbacktotheparty?GIDNEY:Iwastellingyou,Albert—ALBERT:Stokes.GIDNEY:Iwastellingyou,Albert,thatifyou’regoingtobehavelikeaboyoften

inmixedcompany—ALBERT:Itoldyoumyname’sStokes!GIDNEY:Don’tbechildish,Albert.

Asuddensilence.MR.KING’Svoicefromtheroom.

KING:…andforhisunfailinggoodhumourandcheeriness,Mr.RyanwillalwaysberememberedatHislop,KingandMartindale!

Scatteredapplause.HORNE,caughtbytheirstares,shutsthedoorhastily.

ALBERT[goingtothedoor.]:Goodnight.GIDNEY[obstructinghim]:Gobackandapologize.ALBERT:Whatfor?GIDNEY:Forinsultingalady.Mate.Alady.Somethingtodowithbreeding.ButI

supposeyou’retoobloodybackwardtoknowanythingaboutthat.ALBERT:You’retalkingrightoutofyourhat.SEELEY:Rightoutofthebowler.GIDNEY[toSEELEY]:Nooneinvitedyououthere,didthey?SEELEY:Whoinvitedyou?GIDNEY:I’mtalkingtothismanonbehalfofthefirm!UnlessIgetasatisfactory

explanationIshallthinkseriouslyaboutrecommendinghisdismissal.ALBERT:Getoutofmyway,willyou?GIDNEY:Actinglikeananimalallovertheplace—ALBERT:Moveoutofit!GIDNEY[breathlessly]:Iknowyourtrouble.ALBERT:Oh,yes?GIDNEY:Yes,sticksoutamile.ALBERT:Doesit?GIDNEY:Yes.ALBERT:What’smytroublethen?GIDNEY [verydeliberately]:You’reamother’sboy.That’swhatyouare.That’s

yourtrouble.You’reamother’sboy.

ALBERThitshim.Thereisascuffle.SEELEYtriestopartthem.Thethreerockbackandforthinthehall:confusedblows,wordsandgrunts.

Thedooroftheroomopens.Faces.MR.KINGcomesout.

KING:Whatinheaven’snameisgoingonhere!

Thescufflestops.Ashortsilence.ALBERTopensthefrontdoor,goesoutandslamsitbehindhim.Hestandsonthedoorstep,breathingheavily,hisfaceset.

SCENETWO

Thekitchen.MRS. STOKES is asleep, her head resting on the table, the cards

disordered. The clock ticks. It is twelve o’clock. The front dooropensslowly.ALBERTcomes in, closes thedoor softly, stops, looksacross to the open kitchen door, sees his mother, and begins tocreepupthestairswithgreatstealth.Thecamerafollowshim.Hervoicestopshim.

MOTHER:Albert!

Hestops.

Albert!Isthatyou?

Shegoestothekitchendoor.

What are you creeping up the stairs for?Might have been a burglar.WhatWouldIhavedonethen?

Hedescendsslowly.

Creepingupthestairslikethat.Giveanyoneafright.Creepingupthestairslikethat.Youleavemeinthehouseallalone…[Shestopsandregardshim.]Look at you! Look at your suit. What’s the matter with your tie, it’s allcrumpled, I pressed it for you this morning. Well, I won’t even ask anyquestions.That’sall.Youlookadisgrace.

Hewalkspast her into the kitchen, goes to the sink and pours himself aglassofwater.Shefollowshim.

Whathaveyoubeendoing,muckingaboutwithgirls?

Shebeginstopilethecards.

Muckingaboutwithgirls, I suppose.Doyouknowwhat the time is? I fellasleep,righthereatthistable,waitingforyou.Idon’tknowwhatyourfatherwouldsay.Comingin this timeofnight. It’safter twelveo’clock.Inastatelikethat.Drunk,Isuppose.Isupposeyourdinner’sruined.Well,ifyouwanttomakeaconvenienceoutofyourownhome,that’syourbusiness.I’monlyyourmother,Idon’tsupposethatcountsformuchthesedays.I’mnotsayinganymore.Ifyouwanttogomuckingaboutwithgirls,that’syourbusiness.

Shetakeshisdinneroutoftheoven.

Well, anyway,you’llhaveyourdinner.Youhaven’t eatena single thingall

night.

Sheplacesaplateon the tableandgetsknifeand fork.He standsby thesink,sippingwater.

Iwouldn’tmind if you found a really nice girl and brought her home andintroduced her to yourmother, brought her home for dinner, I’d knowyouweresincere,ifshewasareallynicegirl,she’dbelikeadaughtertome.Butyou’veneverbroughtagirlhomehereinyourlife.Isupposeyou’reashamedofyourmother.[Pause.]Comeon, it’salldriedup.Ikept itona lowlight.Icouldn’tevengouptoGrandma’sroomandhavea lookroundbecausetherewasn’tanybulb,youmightaswelleatit.

Hestands.

What’sthematter,areyoudrunk?Wheredidyougo,tooneofthosepubsintheWestEnd?You’llgetintoserioustrouble,myboy,ifyoufrequentthoseplaces,I’mwarningyou.Don’tyoureadthepapers?[Pause.]I hope you’re satisfied, anyway. The house in darkness, I wasn’t going tobreakmyneckgoingdowntothatcellartolookforabulb,youcomehomelooking likeIdon’tknowwhat,anyonewould thinkyougavemeafortuneoutofyourwages.Yes. Idon’tsayanything,doI?Ikeepquietaboutwhatyouexpectme tomanageon. Inevergrumble. Ikeepa lovelyhome, Ibetthere’snoneoftheboysinyourfirmbetterfedthanyouare.I’mnotaskingforgratitude.Butonethingshurtsme,Albert,andI’lltellyouwhatitis.Notforyears,notforyears,haveyoucomeuptomeandsaid,Mum,Iloveyou,like you did when you were a little boy. You’ve never said it without mehavingtoaskyou.Notsincebeforeyourfatherdied.Andhewasagoodman.Hehadhighhopesofyou.I’venevertoldyou,Albert,aboutthehighhopeshe had of you. I don’t knowwhat you dowith all yourmoney. But don’tforget what it cost us to rear you, my boy, I’ve never told you about thesacrificeswemade,youwouldn’tcare,anyway.Tellingmeliesaboutgoingtothefirm’sparty.They’vegotabitofrespectatthatfirm,that’swhywesentyouthere,tostartoffyourcareer,theywouldn’tletyoucarryonlikethatatone of their functions.Mr.Kingwould have his eye on you. I don’t knowwhere you’ve been. Well, if you don’t want to lead a clean life it’s your

lookout, if youwant to gomucking aboutwith all sorts of bits of girls, ifyou’re content to leave your own mother sitting here till midnight, and Iwasn’tfeelingwell,anyway,Ididn’t tellyoubecauseIdidn’twanttoupsetyou, Ikeep thingsfromyou,you’re theonlyoneI’vegot,butwhatdoyoucare,youdon’tcare,youdon’tcare,theleastyoucandoissitdownandeatthedinnerIcookedforyou,speciallyforyou,it’sShepherd’sPie—

ALBERTlungestothetable,picksuptheclockandviolentlyraisesitabovehishead,AstifledscreamfromtheMOTHER.

ACTTHREE

SCENEONE

Thecoffeestall,shuttered.ALBERTisleaningagainstit.Heissweating.Heisholdingthebuttofacigarette.Thereisasoundofafootongravel.Hestarts, thebuttburnshishand,hedropsitandturns.AGIRLislookingathim.Shesmiles.

GIRL:Goodevening.[Pause.]Whatareyoudoing?[Pause.]Whatareyoudoingoutatthistimeofnight?

Shemovesclosertohim.

Ilivejustroundthecorner.

Hestaresather.

Liketo?Chillyouthere,isn’tit?Comeon.[Pause.]Comeon.

Hegoeswithher.

SCENETWO

The GIRL’S room. The door opens. She comes in. Her manner haschangedfromtheseductive.Sheisbriskandnervous.

GIRL:Comein.Don’tslamthedoor.Shutitgently.I’lllightthefire.Chillyout,don’tyoufind?Haveyougotamatch?

Hewalksacrosstheroom.

GIRL:Pleasedon’twalk soheavily.Please.There’snoneed to let… to let thewholehouseknowyou’rehere.Life’sdifficultenoughasitis.Haveyougotamatch?

ALBERT:No,I…Idon’tthinkIhave.GIRL:Oh,God,you’dthinkyou’dhaveamatch.

Hewalksabout.

Isay,wouldyoumindtakingyourshoesoff?You’rereallymakingadreadfulrow.Really,Ican’tbear…noisy…people.

Helooksathisshoes,beginstountieone.TheGIRLsearchesformatchesonthemantelpiece,uponwhichareanumberofarticlesandobjects,includingalargealarmclock.

IknowIhadonesomewhere.ALBERT:I’vegotalighter.GIRL:Youcan’tlightagasfirewithalighter.You’dburnyourfingers.

Shebendsdowntothehearth.

Wherearethedamnthings?Thisisridiculous.Idiewithoutthefire.Isimplydie.[Shefindsthebox.]Ah,hereweare.Atlast.

She turns on the gas fire and lights it. He watches her. She puts thematchboxonthemantelpieceandpicksupaphoto.

Doyoulikethisphoto?It’sofmylittlegirl.She’sstayingwithfriends.Ratherfine, isn’t she? Very aristocratic features, don’t you think? She’s at a veryselect boarding school at the moment, actually. In… Hereford, very nearHereford.[Sheputsthephotoback.]Ishallbegoingdownfortheprizedayshortly.Youdolookidioticstandingtherewithoneshoeonandoneshoeoff.Alllop-sided.

ALBERT pulls at the lace of his other shoe. The lace breaks. He swearsshortlyunderhisbreath.

GIRL[sharply]:Doyoumindnotsayingwordslikethat?ALBERT:Ididn’t…GIRL:Iheardyoucurse.ALBERT:Mylacebroke.

GIRL:That’snoexcuse.ALBERT:WhatdidIsay?GIRL:I’msorry,Ican’tbearthatsortofthing.It’sjust…notinmypersonality.ALBERT:I’msorry.GIRL:It’squiteallright.It’sjust…somethinginmynature.I’vegottothinkof

mydaughter,too,youknow.

Shecrouchesbythefire.

Comenearthefireaminute.Sitdown.

Hegoestowardsasmallstool.

Notonthat!That’smyseat.It’smyownstool.Ididtheneedleworkmyself.Alongtimeago.

Hesitsinachair,opposite.

Whichdoyouprefer,electricorgas?Forafire,Imean?ALBERT[holdinghisforehead,muttering]:Idon’tknow.GIRL:There’snoneedtoberude, itwasacivilquestion.Iprefergas.Ora log

fire,ofcourse.TheyhavetheminSwitzerland.[Pause.]Haveyougotaheadache?

ALBERT:No.GIRL:Ididn’trealizeyouhadalighter.Youdon’thappentohaveanycigarettes

onyou,Isuppose?ALBERT:No.GIRL: I’mvery fondofa smoke.Afterdinner.Withaglassofwine.Orbefore

dinner,withsherry.

Shestandsandtapsthemantelpiece,hereyesroamingoverit.

You look as if you’ve had a night out.Where have you been?Had a nicetime?

ALBERT:Quite…quitenice.GIRL[sittingonthestool]:Whatdoyoudo?ALBERT:I…workinfilms.GIRL:Films?Really?Whatdoyoudo?ALBERT:I’manassistantdirector.GIRL:Really?Howfunny.Iusedtobeacontinuitygirl.ButIgaveitup.ALBERT[tonelessly]:Whatapity.

GIRL:Yes, I’mbeginning to thinkyou’re right.Youmeet such agoodclassofpeople.Of course, nowyou sayyou’re an assistant director I can seewhatyoumean.Imean,IcouldtellyouhadbreedingthemomentIsawyou.Youlookedabitwashedout,perhaps,buttherewasnomistakingthefactthatyouhadbreeding.I’mextremelyparticular,yousee.Idolikeacertainamountofdelicacyinmen…acertainamount…acertaindegree…acertainamountofrefinement.Youdoseemypoint?SomemenIcouldn’tpossiblyentertain.NotevenifIwas…starving.Idon’twanttobepersonal,butthatwordyouused,when you broke your lace, itmademe shiver, I’m just not that type,mademewonderifyouwereaswellbredasIthought…

Hewipeshisfacewithhishand.

Youdo lookhot.Whyareyousohot? It’schilly.Yes,you remindme…Isawthemostghastlyhorriblefightbefore,therewasaman,oneman,hewassweating… sweating.You haven’t been in a fight, by any chance? I don’tknowhowmencanbesobestial.It’shardlymuchfunforwomen,Icantellyou.Idon’twantsomeoneelse’sbloodonmycarpet.

ALBERTchuckles.

Whatareyoulaughingat?ALBERT:Nothing.GIRL:It’snotintheleastfunny.

ALBERTlooksupatthemantelpiece.Hisgazereststhere.

Whatareyoulookingat?ALBERT[ruminatively]:That’sanicebigclock.

Itistwentypasttwo.

GIRL[withfatigue]:Yes,it’slate,Isupposewemightaswell…Haven’tyougotacigarette?

ALBERT:No.GIRL[jumpingup]:I’msureIhave,somewhere.[Shegoestothetable.]Yes,here

weare,IknewIhad.Ihavetohidethem.Thewomanwhocomesintodomyroom, she’s very light-fingered. I don’t know why she comes in at all.Nobodywantsher,allshedoesisspyonme,butI’mobligedtoputupwithher,thisroomisserviced.WhichmeansIhavetopayaprettypenny.

Shelightshercigarette.

It’sadreadfularea,too.I’mthinkingofmoving.Theneighbourhoodisfullofpeopleofnoclassatall.Ijustdon’tfitin.

ALBERT:Isthatclockright?GIRL: People have told me, the most distinguished people, that I could go

anywhere.Youcouldgoanywhere,they’vetoldme,youcouldbeanything.I’m quitewell educated, you know.My fatherwas a… hewas amilitaryman. In the Army. Actually it was a relief to speak to you. I haven’t …spokentoanyoneforsomehours.

ALBERTsuddenlycoughsviolently.

Oh,pleasedon’tdothat!Useyourhandkerchief!

Hesighs,andgroans.

Whatonearth’sthematterwithyou?Whathaveyoubeendoingtonight?

Helooksatherandsmiles.

ALBERT:Nothing.GIRL:Really?

Shebelches.

Oh, excuseme. I haven’t eaten all day. I had a tooth out.Hiccoughs comefromnoteating,don’tthey?Doyou…doyouwantoneofthese?

Shethrowshimacigarette,whichheslowlylights.

Imean, I’m no different from any other girl. In fact, I’m better. These so-calledrespectablegirls,forinstance,I’msurethey’remuchworsethanIam.Well, you’re an assistant director—all your continuity girls and secretaries,I’llbetthey’re…veryloose.

ALBERT:Uh.GIRL:DoyouknowwhatI’veactuallyheard?I’veheardthatrespectablemarried

women, solicitors’wives, goout andpickmenupwhen their husbands areoutonbusiness!Isn’tthatfantastic?Imean,they’resupposedtobe…they’resupposedtoberespectable!

ALBERT[muttering]:Fantastic.GIRL:Ibegyourpardon?ALBERT:Isaiditwasfantastic.GIRL: It is.You’re right.Quite fantastic.Here’sone thing, though.There’sone

thing that’s always fascinated me. How far do men’s girl friends go? I’ve

oftenwondered.[Pause.]Eh?

ALBERT:Depends.GIRL:Yes,Isupposeitmust.

[Pause.]Youmeanonthegirl?

ALBERT:What?GIRL:Youmeanitdependsonthegirl?ALBERT:Itwoulddo,yes.GIRL:Quitepossibly.Imustadmitthatwithyourcontinuitygirlsandsecretaries,

Idon’t seewhyyou…had toapproachme….Haveyoubeenon the towntonight,then?Withacontinuitygirl?

ALBERT:You’reabit…worriedaboutcontinuitygirls,aren’tyou?GIRL:Onlybecause I’vebeenonemyself. I knowwhat they’re like.Nobetter

thantheyshouldbe.ALBERT:Whenwereyoua…?GIRL:Yearsago![Standing.]You’renosey,aren’tyou?

Shegoestothewindow.

SometimesIwishthenightwouldneverend.Ilikesleeping.Icouldsleep…onandon.

ALBERTstandsandpicksuptheclock.

Yes,youcanseethestationfromhere.Allthetrainsgoout,rightthroughthenight.

Hestaresattheclock.

Isupposewemightaswell…[Sheturnsandseeshim.]Whatareyoudoing?[Shecrossestohim.]Whatareyoudoingwiththatclock?

Helooksather,slowly.

Mmnn?ALBERT:Admiringit.GIRL:It’saperfectlyordinaryclock.Givemeit.I’veseentoomanypeopleslip

thingsintotheirpocketsbeforenow,assoonasyourback’sturned.Nothingpersonal,ofcourse.[Sheputsitback.]Mindyourash!Don’tspillitalloverthefloor!Ihavetokeepthiscarpetimmaculate.Otherwisethecharlady,she’s

always lookingforexcuses for telling tales.Here.Here’sanashtray.Use it,please.

Shegivesittohim.Hestaresather.

Sitdown.Sitdown.Don’tstandaboutlikethat.Whatareyoustaringatmefor?

Hesits.Shestudieshim.

Where’syourwife?ALBERT:Nowhere.

Shestubshercigarette.

GIRL:Andwhatfilmareyoumakingatthemoment?ALBERT:I’monholiday.GIRL:Wheredoyouwork?ALBERT:I’mafreelance.GIRL:You’re…ratheryoungtobeinsucha…highposition,aren’tyou?ALBERT:Oh?GIRL[laughs]:Youamuseme.Youinterestme.I’mabitofapsychologist,you

know.You’reveryyoungtobe—whatyousaidyouwere.There’ssomethingchildishinyourface,almostretarded.[Shelaughs.]Idolikethatword.I’mnotbeingpersonal,ofcourse…justbeing…psychological.Ofcourse,Icanseeyou’reoneforthegirls.Don’tknowwhyyouhadtopickonme,atthistime of night, really rather forward of you. I’m a respectable mother, youknow,withachildatboardingschool.Youcouldn’tcallme…anythingelse.AllIdo,Ijustentertainafewgentlemen,ofmyownchoice,nowandagain.Whatgirldoesn’t?

Hishandscrewsthecigarette.Heletsitfallonthecarpet.

[Outraged.]Whatdoyouthinkyou’redoing?

Shestaresathim.

Pickitup!Pickthatup,Itellyou!It’smycarpet!

Shelungestowardsit.

It’snotmycarpet,they’llmakemepay—

Hishandclosesuponhersasshereachesforit.

Whatareyoudoing?Letgo.Treatingmyplacelikeapigsty.[Shelooksupathimashebendsoverher.]Letmego.You’reburningmycarpet!

ALBERT[quietly,intensely]:Sitdown.GIRL:Howdareyou?ALBERT:Shutup.Sitdown.GIRL[struggling]:Whatareyoudoing?ALBERT [erratically, tremblings but with quiet command]: Don’t scream. I’m

warningyou.

Heliftsherbyherwristandpressesherdownontothestool.

Noscreaming.Iwarnyou.GIRL:What’sthe—?ALBERT[throughhisteeth]:Bequiet.Itoldyoutobequiet.Nowyoubequiet.GIRL:Whatareyougoingtodo?ALBERT[seizingtheclockfromthemantelpiece]:DON’TMUCKMEABOUT!

Shefreezeswithterror.

See this?Onecrackwith this…justonecrack…[Viciously.]Whodoyouthinkyouare?Youtalktoomuch,youknowthat.Youneverstoptalking.Justbecauseyou’reawomanyouthinkyoucangetawaywithit.[Bendingoverher.]You’vemadeamistake,thistime.You’vepickedthewrongman.

Hebeginstogrowinstatureandexcitement,passingtheclockfromhandtohand.

You’reall thesame,yousee,you’reall thesame,you’rejustadeadweightround my neck. What makes you think… [He begins to move about theroom, at one point half crouching, at another standing upright, as ifexercisinghisbody.]…Whatmakesyouthinkyoucan…tellme…yes…It’s the same as this business about the light in Grandma’s room. Alwayssomething.Alwayssomething.[Toher.]Myash?I’llputitwhereIlike!Youseethisclock?Watchyourstep.Justwatchyourstep.

GIRL:Stopthis.Whatareyou—?ALBERT[seizingherwrist,withtrembling,controlledviolence]:Watchyourstep!

[Stammering.]I’vehad—I’vehad—I’vehad—justaboutenough.Get it?…YouknowwhatIdid?

Helooksatherandchuckles.

Don’tbesofrightened.

GIRL:I…ALBERT[casually]:Don’tbesofrightened.

Hesquatsbyher,stillholdingtheclock.

I’mjusttellingyou.I’mjusttellingyou,that’sall.[Breathlessly.]Youhaven’tgotanybreeding.Shehadn’teither.Andwhataboutthosegirlstonight?Samekind.Andthatone.Ididn’ttouchher!

GIRL[almostinaudible]:Whatyoubeendoing?ALBERT:I’vegotasmanyqualificationsasthenextman.Let’sgetthatquite…

straight. And I got the answer to her. I got the answer to her, you see,tonight….Ifinishedtheconversation…Ifinishedit…Ifinishedher…

Shesquirms.Heraisestheclock.

With this clock! [Trembling.]One … crack … with … this … clock …finished![Thoughtfully.]Ofcourse,Ilovedher,really.[Hesuddenlysees thephotographon themantelpiece,puts the clock down and takes it. TheGIRLhalfrisesandgasps,watchinghim.Helooksatthephotocuriously.]Uhhh?…Yourdaughter?…Thisaphotoofyourdaughter?…Uuuh?[Hebreakstheframeandtakesoutthephoto.]

GIRL[rushesathim].Leavethat!ALBERT[droppingtheframeandholdingthephoto]:Isit?

The GIRL grabs at it. ALBERT clutches her wrist. He holds her at arm’slength.

GIRL:Leavethat![Writhing.]What?Don’t—it’smine!ALBERT [turns the photo over and reads back]: ‘Class Three Classical, Third

Prize, BronzeMedal, Twickenham Competition, nineteen thirty-three.’ [Hestares at her. TheGIRL stands, shivering andwhimpering.]You liar. That’syou.

GIRL:It’snot!ALBERT:That’snotyourdaughter.It’syou!You’rejustafake,you’rejustalllies!GIRL:Scum!Filthyscum!

ALBERT, twistingherwrist,movessuddenlytoher.TheGIRLcringing, fallsbackintoherchair.

ALBERT[warningly]:Mindhowyoutalktome.[Hecrumplesthephoto.]GIRL[moans]:Mydaughter.Mylittlegirl.Mylittlebabygirl.ALBERT:Getup.

GIRL:No…ALBERT:Getup!Up!

Shestands.

Walkoverthere,tothewall.Goon!Getoverthere.Doasyou’retold.DoasI’mtellingyou.I’mgivingtheordershere.

Shewalkstothewall.

Stop!GIRL[whimpering]:What…doyouwantmetodo?ALBERT:Justkeepyourbigmouthclosed,forastart.

Hefrownsuncertainly.

Coveryourface!

Shedoesso.Helooksabout,blinking.

Yes. That’s right. [He sees his shoes.]Come on, come on, pick up thoseshoes.Thoseshoes!Pickthemup!

Shelooksfortheshoesandpicksthemup.

That’sright.[Hesits.]Bringthemoverhere.Comeon.That’sright.Putthemon.

Heextendshisfoot.

GIRL:You’re…ALBERT:On!Righton.That’sit.That’sit.That’smorelikeit.That’s…morelike

it!Good.Lacethem!Good.

Hestands.Shecrouches.

Silence.

Heshiversandmurmurswiththecold.Helooksabouttheroom.

ALBERT:It’scold.[Pause.]Ooh,it’sfreezing.

GIRL[whispering]:Thefire’sgone.ALBERT [looking at the window]: What’s that? Looks like light. Ooh, it’s

perishing.[Looksabout,muttering.]Whatadump.Notstayinghere.Getting

outofthisplace.

Heshiversanddrops theclock.He looksdownat it.She too.He kicks itacrosstheroom.

[Withasmile,softly.]Soyou…bearthatinmind.Mindhowyoutalktome.

Hegoestodoor,thenturns.

[Flippinghalfacrowntoher.]Buyyourselfaseat…buyyourselfaseatatacircus.

Heopensthedoorandgoes.

SCENETHREE

Thehouse.Thefrontdooropens.ALBERTcomesin,aslightsmileonhisface.Hesaunters across the hall into the kitchen, takes off his jacket andthrows it across the room.The samewithhis tie.He sitsheavily,loosely, in a chair, his legs stretchedout. Stretchinghis arms, heyawns luxuriously, scratcheshisheadwithbothhandsandstaresruminativelyattheceiling,asmileonhisface.Hismother’svoicecallshisname.

MOTHER[fromthestairs]:Albert!

Hisbodyfreezes.Hisgazecomesdown.Hislegsslowlycometogether.Helooksinfrontofhim.HisMOTHERcomesintotheroom,inherdressinggown.Shestands,lookingathim.

Doyouknowwhatthetimeis?[Pause.]Wherehaveyoubeen?[Pause.][Reproachfully,near to tears.] I don’t knowwhat to say to you,Albert. Toraiseyourhand toyourownmother.You’veneverdone thatbefore inyourlife.Tothreatenyourownmother.[Pause.]

That clock would have hurt me, Albert. And you’d have been… I knowyou’dhavebeenverysorry.Aren’tIagoodmothertoyou?EverythingIdois…isforyourowngood.Youshouldknowthat.You’reallI’vegot.

Shelooksathisslumpedfigure.Herreproachturnstosolicitude.

[Gently.] Look at you. You look washed out. Oh, you look … I don’tunderstandwhatcouldhavecomeoveryou.

Shetakesachairandsitsclosetohim.

Listen,Albert,I’lltellyouwhatI’mgoingtodo.I’mgoingtoforgetit.Yousee?I’mgoingtoforgetallabout it.We’llhaveyourholidayinafortnight.Wecangoaway.

Shestrokeshishand.

We’llgoaway…together.[Pause.]It’snotasifyou’reabadboy…you’reagoodboy…Iknowyouare…it’snotasifyou’rereallybad,Albert,you’renot…you’renotbad,you’regood…you’renotabadboy,Albert,Iknowyou’renot…[Pause.]You’regood,you’renotbad,you’reagoodboy…Iknowyouare…youare,aren’tyou?

THEBLACKANDWHITE

Ialwayscatch theall-nightbus, sixdaysoutof theweek. Iwalk toMarbleArchandgetthetwo-nine-four,thattakesmetoFleetStreet.Inever speak to the men on the all-night buses. Then I go into theBlack andWhite at Fleet Street and sometimesmy friend comes. Ihave a cup of tea. She is taller thanme but thinner. Sometimes shecomes andwe sit at the top table. I always keep her place but youcan’talwayskeep it. Ineverspeak to themwhen they take it.Someremarks I never listen to. A man slips me the morning papersometimes, the first one.He toldmewhat hewas once. I never godown to theplacenear theEmbankment. I didgodown thereonce.You can seewhat goeson from thewindowby the top table if youlook. Mostly it’s vans. They’re always rushing. Mostly they’re thesame van-drivers, sometimes they’re different. My brother was thesame.Heused tobe in on it.But I candobetterwithout thenight,whenit’sdark,it’salwayslightintheBlackandWhite,sometimesit’sblue,Ican’tseemuch.ButIcandobetterwithoutthecoldwhenit’scold. It’s always warm in the Black and White, sometimes it’sdraughty,Idon’tkip.Fiveo’clocktheyclosedowntogiveitascrubround. Ialwayswearmygreyskirtandmyredscarf,youneverseemewithout lipstick.Sometimesmy friendcomes, shealwaysbringsovertwoteas.Ifthere’ssomeonetakenherplaceshetellshim.She’solder thanme but thinner. If it’s cold Imight have soup.You get agoodbowl.Theygiveyouthesliceofbread.Theywon’tdothatwithteabut theydoitwithsoup.SoImighthavesoup, if it’scold.Nowand again you can see the all-night buses goingdown.They all rundownthere.I’veneverbeentheotherway,notthewaysomeofthemgo. I’vebeendown toLiverpoolStreet.That’swhere someof them

endup.She’sgreyerthanme.Thelightsgetyoudownabit.Onceaman stoodup andmade a speech.A copper came in.Theygot himout.Thenthecoppercameovertous.Wesoontoldhimoff,myfrienddid. I never seen him since, either of them. They don’t get manycoppers.I’mabitoldforthat,myfriendtoldhim.Areyou,hesaid.Toooldforyou,shesaid.Hewent.Idon’tmind,there’snottoomuchnoise, there’s always a bit of noise. Young people in cabs come inonce.Shedidn’tlikethecoffee.I’veneverhadthecoffee.Ihadcoffeeup at Euston, a time or two, going back. I like the vegetable soupbetter than the tomato. Iwas having a bowl then and thismanwasleaningfromacross the table,deadasleep,butsittingonhiselbows,scratchinghishead.Hewaspullingthehairsoutofhisheadintomysoup, dead asleep. I pulledmy bowl away.But at five o’clock theyclosedowntogiveitascrubround.Theydon’tletyoustay.Myfriendneverstays,ifshe’sthere.Youcan’tbuyacupoftea.I’veaskedbuttheywon’t letyousit,notevenwithyour feetup.Still,youcangetaboutfourhoursoutofit.Theyonlyshuthourandahalf.YoucouldgodowntothatoneneartheEmbankment,butI’veonlybeendownthereonce.I’vealwaysgotmyredscarf.I’mneverwithoutlipstick.Igivethemalook.Theyneverpickmeup.Theytookmyfriendawayinthewagononce.Theydidn’tkeepher.Shesaidtheytookafancytoher. I’ve never gone in for that. You keep yourself clean. Still, shewon’t stand foranyof it in theBlackandWhite.But theydon’t trymuch. I see them look. Mostly nobody looks. I don’t know many,some I’ve seen about.Onewoman in a big blackhat andbig blackboots comes in. I never make out what she has. He slips her themorning paper. It’s not long. You can go along, then come back.When it’s light I go.My friendwon’twait. Shegoes. I don’tmind.Onegotmesick.Cameinafurcoatonce.Theygiveyouinjections,shesaid, it’sallWhitehall, theygot it allworkedout, shesaid, theycantapyourbreath,theyinjectyouintheears.Myfriendcamelater.Shewasabitnervy.Igotherquiet.They’dtakeherin.Whenit’slightIwalkuptotheAldwych.They’resellingthepapers.I’vereadit.One

morning IwentabitoverWaterlooBridge. I saw the last two-nine-six.Itmusthavebeenthelast.Itdidn’tlooklikeanall-nightbus,indaylight.

THEEXAMINATION

Whenwebegan,Iallowedhimintervals.Heexpressednodesireforthese,noranyobjection.AndsoItookituponmyselftoadjudgetheirallotmentandduration.Theywerenotconsistent,but tookalterationwithwhatImustcalltheprogressofourtalks.WiththechalkIkeptImarkedtheproposedtimesupontheblackboard,beforethebeginningofasession,forhimtoexamine,andtoofferanycriticismifhefeltsomoved.Buthemadenoobjection,nor,duringourtalks,expressedanydesire for a break in the proceedings.However, as I suspected theymightbenefitbothofus,Iallowedhimintervals.

The intervals themselves, when they occurred, at whateverjuncture, atwhatever crucial point, preceded bywhatever deadlock,werepassed,naturally,insilence.Itwasnotuncommonforthemtobebothprecededandfollowedbyanequalsilence,butthisisnottosaythat on such occasions their purpose was offended. Frequently hisdispositionwouldbesuchthatlittlecouldbeachievedbyinsistence,or by persuasion.WhenKulluswas disposed to silence I invariablyacquiesced, and prided myself on those occasions with tacticalacumen.ButIdidnotregardthesesilencesasintervals,fortheywerenot,andneither,Ithink,didKullussoregardthem.ForifKullusfellsilent,hedidnotceasetoparticipateinourexamination.Never,atanytime,hadIreasontodoubthisactiveparticipation,throughwordandthroughsilence,betweenintervalandinterval,andIrecognizedwhatItook to be his devotion as actual and unequivocal, besides, as itseemedtome,obligatory.Andsothenatureofoursilencewithintheframe of our examination, and the nature of our silence outside theframeofourexamination,wereentirelyopposed.

UponmyannouncementofanintervalKulluswouldchange,oract

in such amanner aswould suggest change.His behaviour, on theseoccasions,wasnotconsistent,nor,Iamconvinced,wasitinitiatedbymotivesofresentmentorenmity,althoughIsuspectKulluswasawareofmywatchfulness.Not thatImadeanypretencetobeotherwise. Iwas obliged to remark, and, if possible, to verify, any ostensiblechange in his manner, whether it was outside the frame of ourexaminationornot.AnditisuponthispointthatIcouldbeaccusedoferror. For gradually it appeared that these intervals proceededaccording to his terms.Andwhere both allotment and duration hadrestedwithme,andhadbecomemyimposition,theynowproceededaccordingtohisdictates,andbecamehisimposition.

Forhejourneyedfromsilencetosilence,andIhadnocoursebuttofollow. Kullus’s silence, where he was entitled to silence, wascompoundedofnumerouscharacteristics,thewhichIdulynoted.ButIcouldnotalwaysfollowhiscourses,andwhereIcouldnotfollow,Iwasnolongerhisdominant.

Kullus’s predilection for windows was not assumed. At everyinterval,heretiredtothewindow,andbeganfromitsvantage,asfromasource.Onapproachinginitiallywhenthebreakwasstated,hepaidnoattentiontotheaspectbeyond,eitherinday-timeorinnight-time.And only in his automatic course to the window, and his lack ofinterestintheaspectbeyond,didheproveconsistent.

Neither was Kullus’s predilection for windows a deviation fromformer times. I had myself suffered under his preoccupation uponpreviousoccasions,whentheorderofhisroomhadbeenmaintainedby particular arrangement of window and curtain, according to dayand to night, and seldom to my taste or my comfort. But now hemaintained no such order and did not determine their opening orclosing.ForwewerenolongerinKullus’sroom.

And thewindowwas alwaysopen, and the curtainswere alwaysopen.

NotthatKullusdisplayedanyinterestinthisconstantarrangement,intheintervals,whenhemightnoteit.ButasIsuspecthewasaware

ofmywatchfulness, so I suspect hewas aware ofmy arrangement.Dependent on the intensity of his silence I could suspect andconclude,butwherehissilencewastoodeepforecho,Icouldneithersuspectnorconclude.Andsogradually,wherethisoccurred,Ibeganto take the only course open to me, and terminated the intervalsarbitrarily,cuttingshorttheproposedduration,whenIcouldnolongerfollowhim,andwasnolongerhisdominant.

Butthiswasnotuntillater.Whenthedooropened.WhenKullus,unattended,entered,andthe

interimended.I turnedfromall light in thewindow,topayhimdueregard and welcome. Whereupon without reserve or hesitation, hemovedfromthedoorasfromshelter,andstoodinthelightfromthewindow.So Iwatched the entrancebecomevacant,whichhadbeenhisshelter.AndobservedthemanIhadwelcomed,hehavingcrossedmyborder.

Equally, now, I observed the selected properties, each in theirplace;theblackboard,thewindow,thestool.Andthedoorhadclosedand was absent, and of no moment. Imminent upon opening andwelcoming it had possessed moment. Now only one area was towitnessactivityandtosufferprocedure,andthatonlywasnecessaryandvalid.Forthedoorwasclosedandsoclosed.

WhereuponIofferedKullusthestool,thewhichIplacedforhim.Heshowed,atthisearlyjuncture,nodisregardformydirections;ifhedid not somuchobey, he extended his voluntary co-operation.Thiswassufficientformyrequirements.ThatIdetectedinhimadesirefora summation of our efforts spoke well for the progress of ourexamination.Itwasmyaimtoavoidtheappearanceofsubjection;acommon policy, I understand, in like examinations. Yet I wasnaturally dominant, by virtue of my owning the room; he havingentered through the door I now closed. To be confronted with theespecialpropertiesofmyabode,bearingthesealandarrangementoftheir tenant, allowed only for recognition on the part ofmy visitor,and through recognition to acknowledgement and through

acknowledgement to appreciation, and through appreciation tosubservience.At least, I trusted that suchadevelopmentwould takeplace, and initially believed it to have done so. It must be said,however, thathismanner, fromtimeto time,seemedtoborderuponindifference,yetIwasnotdeludedbythis,oroffended.Ivieweditasautilityhewascompelled,andentitled,tofallbackon,andequallyasatributetomyownincisivenessandpatience.AndifthenIvieweditasatacticalmeasure,itcausedmelittleconcern.Foritseemed,atthistime, that the advantagewasmine.Had notKullus been obliged toattendthisexamination?Andwasnothisattendanceanadmissionofthat obligation?Andwas not his admission an acknowledgement ofmyposition?Andmyposition therefore a position of dominance? Icalculatedthistobeso,andnoearlyeventcausedmetore-assessthiscalculation. Indeed, so confidentwas I in the outcome of our talks,thatIdecidedtoallowhimintervals.

Toinstitutetheseperiodsseemedtomebothcharitableandpolitic.ForIhopedhemightbenefitfromaperiodofnodemand,sobebetterequipped for the periods of increased demandwhich would follow.And, for a time, I had no reason to doubt the wisdom of thisarrangement.Also, the context of the room inwhichKullusmovedduringtheintervalswasfamiliarandsympathetictome,andnotsotohim.ForKullushadknownit,andnowknewitno longer,and tookhis place in it as a stranger, and when each break was stated, wascompelledtopursueaparticularconventionandhabitinhiscourse,soas not to become hopelessly estranged within its boundaries. Butgraduallyitbecameapparentthatonlyinhisautomaticcoursetothewindow, and his lack of interest in the aspect beyond, did he proveconsistent.

Prior tohisarrival, Ihadomitted toestablishoneproperty in theroom,whichIknewtobefamiliartohim,andsoliabletobringhimease. And never once did he remark the absence of a flame in thegrate.Iconcludedhedidnotrecognizethisabsence.Tobalancethis,Iemphasizedthepresenceofthestool,indeed,placeditforhim,butas

heneveronceremarkedthispresence,Iconcludedhisconcerndidnotembrace it.Not that itwasatany timesimple todeterminebywhatparticular his concernmight be engaged. However, in the intervals,when Iwas able toobservehimwithpossibly a finerdetachment, Ihopedtodeterminethis.

Untilhisinconsistencybegantocausemealarm,andhissilencetoconfoundme.

I can only assumeKulluswas aware, on these occasions, of thescrutiny ofwhich hewas the object, andwas persuaded to resist it,and to act against it. He did so by deepening the intensity of hissilence,andby takingcourses Icouldbynomeans follow,so that Iremained isolated, and outside his silence, and thus of negligibleinfluence.AndsoI tooktheonlycourseopentome,andterminatedthe intervals arbitrarily, cutting short the proposed duration, when Icouldnolongerfollowhim,andwasnolongerhisdominant.

For where the intervals had been my imposition, they had nowbecomehisimposition.

Kullusmadenoobjectiontothisadjustment,thoughwithoutdoubthenotedmyanxiety.For I sufferedanxietywithgoodcause,outofconcernfortheprogressofourtalks,whichnowseemedtometobeaffected. Iwas no longer certainwhetherKullus participated in ourexamination,norcertainwhetherhestillunderstoodthatasbeingtheobject of our meeting. Equally, the nature of our silences, whichformerlyweredistinctintheiropposition:thatis,asilencewithintheframe of our examination, and a silence outside the frame of ourexamination; seemed to me no longer opposed, indeed wereindistinguishable,andwereonesilence,dictatedbyKullus.

And so the time camewhenKullus initiated intervals at his owninclination,andpursuedhiscoursesatwill,andIwasabletoremarksome consistency in his behaviour. For now I followed him in hiscourses without difficulty, and there was no especial duration forintervalorexamination,butoneduration,inwhichIparticipated.Mydevotion was actual and unequivocal. I extended my voluntary co-

operation, and made no objection to procedure. For I desired asummationofourefforts.AndwhenKullusremarkedtheabsenceofaflame in the gate, I was bound to acknowledge this. And when heremarkedthepresenceofthestool,Iwasequallybound.Andwhenheremoved theblackboard, Iofferednocriticism.AndwhenheclosedthecurtainsIdidnotobject.

ForwewerenowinKullus’sroom.

AbouttheAuthor

Harold Pinter was born in London in 1930. He lived with AntoniaFraserfrom1975andtheymarriedin1980.In1995hewontheDavidCohenBritishLiteraturePrize,awarded fora lifetime’sachievementinliterature.In1996hewasgiventheLaurenceOlivierAwardforalifetime’sachievementintheatre.In2002hewasmadeaCompanionof Honour for services to literature. In 2005 he was awarded theNobel Prize forLiterature and, in the same year, theWilfredOwenAward for Poetry and the FranzKafkaAward (Prague). In 2006 hewas awarded the Europe Theatre Prize and, in 2007, the highestFrenchhonour,theLégiond’honneur.HediedinDecember2008.

BytheSameAuthor

playsASHESTOASHES

BETRAYALTHEBIRTHDAYPARTY

THECARETAKERCELEBRATIONANDTHEROOM

THECOLLECTIONANDTHELOVERTHEHOMECOMINGTHEHOTHOUSE

LANDSCAPEANDSILENCEMOUNTAINLANGUAGE

MOONLIGHTNOMAN’SLAND

OLDTIMESONEFORTHEROADOTHERPLACES

(AKindofAlaska,VictoriaStation,FamilyVoices)PARTYTIME

REMEMBRANCEOFTHINGSPAST(withDiTrevis)THEROOMANDTHEDUMBWAITERASLIGHTACHEANDOTHERPLAYSTEAPARTYANDOTHERPLAYS

PLAYSONE(TheBirthdayParty,TheRoom,TheDumbWaiter,ASlightAche,TheHothouse,ANightOut,TheBlackandWhite,TheExamination)

PLAYSTWO(TheCaretaker,TheDwarfs,TheCollection,TheLover,NightSchool,TroubleintheWorks,TheBlackandWhite,RequestStop,LasttoGo,

SpecialOffer)

PLAYSTHREE(TheHomecoming,TeaParty,TheBasement,Landscape,Silence,

Night,That’sYourTrouble,That’sAll,Applicant,Interview,DialogueforThree,TeaParty(shortstory),OldTimes,NoMan’sLand)

PLAYSFOUR(Betrayal,Monologue,OnefortheRoad,MountainLanguage,FamilyVoices,AKindofAlaska,VictoriaStation,Precisely,TheNewWorld

Order,PartyTime,Moonlight,AshestoAshes,Celebration,Umbrellas,God’sDistrict,ApartfromThat)

screenplaysHAROLDPINTERCOLLECTEDSCREENPLAYSONE

(TheServant,ThePumpkinEater,TheQuillerMemorandum,Accident,TheLastTycoon,Langrishe,GoDown)

HAROLDPINTERCOLLECTEDSCREENPLAYSTWO(TheGo-Between,TheProustScreenplay,Victory,TurtleDiary,

Reunion)

HAROLDPINTERCOLLECTEDSCREENPLAYSTHREE(TheFrenchLieutenant’sWoman,TheHeatoftheDay,TheComfort

ofStrangers,TheTrial,TheDreamingChild)

prose,poetryandpoliticsCOLLECTEDPOEMSANDPROSE

THEDWARFS(anovel)100POEMSBY100POETS(ananthology)99POEMSINTRANSLATION(ananthology)

VARIOUSVOICES:PROSE,POETRY,POLITICS1948–1998VARIOUSVOICES:PROSE,POETRY,POLITICS1948–2005

WAR

Copyright

Firstpublishedin1991byFaberandFaberLtdBloomsburyHouse

74–77GreatRussellStreetLondonWC1B3DA

Reissuedin1996asHaroldPinter:PlaysOneOriginallypublishedbyEyreMethuenLtdin1976

Revisedin1986Thisebookeditionfirstpublishedin2013

TheBirthdayParty,TheRoomandTheDumbWaiterfirstpublishedbyMethuen&Co.1960

ASlightAcheandANightOutfirstpublishedbyMethuen&Co.1961TheHothousefirstpublishedbyEyreMethuenLtdin1980

TheBlackandWhitefirstappearedinTransatlanticReviewin1966TheExaminationfirstpublishedbyMethuen&Co.1963

‘WritingfortheTheatre’firstappearedas‘BetweentheLines’intheSundayTimes4March1962;thisrevisedversionfirstpublishedinThe

NewBritishDrama,GrovePress,NewYork,1964

Allrightsreserved

TheBirthdayParty©HaroldPinter,1959,1960,1965TheRoomandTheDumbWaiter©HaroldPinter,1959,1960

ASlightAcheandANightOut©HaroldPinter,1961,1966,1968TheHothouse©HaroldPinter,1980

TheBlackandWhite©HaroldPinter,1966TheExamination©HaroldPinter,1963

‘WritingfortheTheatre’©HaroldPinter,1962,1964Thiscollection©HaroldPinter,1976,1985,1991

TherightofHaroldPintertobeidentifiedasauthorofthisworkhasbeenassertedinaccordancewithSection77oftheCopyright,Designsand

PatentsAct1988

Allrightswhatsoeverintheseplaysarestrictlyreservedandapplicationstoperformthemshouldbemadeinwriting,beforerehearsalsbegin,toJudyDaishAssociates,1StCharlesPlace,LondonW106EG.Noperformance

maybegivenunlessalicencehasfirstbeenobtained.

Thisebookiscopyrightmaterialandmustnotbecopied,reproduced,transferred,distributed,leased,licensedorpubliclyperformedorusedinanywayexceptasspecificallypermittedinwritingbythepublishers,as

allowedunderthetermsandconditionsunderwhichitwaspurchasedorasstrictlypermittedbyapplicablecopyrightlaw.Anyunauthorised

distributionoruseofthistextmaybeadirectinfringementoftheauthor’sandpublisher’srights,andthoseresponsiblemaybeliableinlaw

accordingly

ISBN978–0–571–30098–3