Hairspray Music: Marc Shaiman Lyrics: Marc Shaiman, Scott Wittman Book: Thomas Meehan, Mark O'Donnell Premiere: Thursday, August 15, 2002 --------------------------------------------------------------------- ACT I PROLOGUE: BALTIMORE, JUNE 1962 1. GOOD MORNING BALTIMORE TRACY Oh, oh, oh Woke up today Feeling the way I always do Oh, oh, oh Hungry for something That I can't eat Then I hear that beat The rhythm of town Starts calling me down It's like a message from High above Oh, oh, oh Pulling me out To the smiles and the Streets that I love TRACY (& ENSEMBLE) Good morning Baltimore Every day's like an open door Every night is a fantasy Every sound's like a symphony Good morning Baltimore And some day when I take to the floor The world's gonna wake up and see Baltimore and me Oh, oh, oh Look at my hair What "do" can compare with mine today?

Hairspray Libretto

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Page 1: Hairspray Libretto

HairsprayMusic: Marc ShaimanLyrics: Marc Shaiman, Scott WittmanBook: Thomas Meehan, Mark O'DonnellPremiere: Thursday, August 15, 2002---------------------------------------------------------------------




TRACY Oh, oh, oh Woke up today Feeling the way I always do Oh, oh, oh Hungry for something That I can't eat Then I hear that beat The rhythm of town Starts calling me down It's like a message from High above Oh, oh, oh Pulling me out To the smiles and the Streets that I love 

TRACY (& ENSEMBLE) Good morning Baltimore Every day's like an open door Every night is a fantasy Every sound's like a symphony 

Good morning Baltimore And some day when I take to the floor The world's gonna wake up and see Baltimore and me

Oh, oh, oh Look at my hair What "do" can compare with mine today? Oh, oh, oh, I've got my hairspray and radio I'm ready to go 

The rats on the street All dance round my feet They seem to say "Tracy, it's up to you" 

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So, oh, oh Don't hold me back 'Cause today all my dreams will come true 

Good morning Baltimore There's the flasher who lives next door There's the bum on his bar room stool They wish me luck on my way to school 

Good morning Baltimore And some day when I take to the floor The world's gonna wake up and see Baltimore and me 

I know every step I know every song I know there's a place where I belong I see all those party lights shining ahead So someone invite me Before I drop dead!

ENSEMBLEBefore she drops dead!


Give me a chance 'Cause when I start to dance i'm a movie star Oh, oh, oh Something inside of me makes me move When I hear the groove 

My ma tells me no But my feet tell me go! It's like a drummer inside my heart Oh, oh, oh Don't make me wait One more moment for my life to start... 

ENSEMBLE Good morning, good morning Waiting for my life to start 

TRACY (& ENSEMBLE) I love you Baltimore Every day's like an open door Every night is a fantasy Every sound's like a symphony 

And I promise Baltimore That some day when I take to the floor 

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The world's gonna wake up and seeGonna wake up and see Baltimore and me...

ENSEMBLE Yes, More Or Less We All Agree

TRACY Baltimore and me... 

ENSEMBLE Someday the world Is gonna see 

TRACY Baltimore and me! 



CORNYHey there, Teenage Baltimore! Don't change that channel! 'Cause it's time for the Corny Collins Show! Brought to you by Ultra Clutch Hairspray!

CORNY (& COUNCIL MEMBERS)Ev'ry afternoonWhen the clock strikes four(bop-bee-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba)

A crazy bunch of kids Crash through that door (bop-bee-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba)

They throw off their coats And leave the squares behind And then they shake it, shake it, shake it Like they're losing their mindYou'll never see them frown 'Cause they're the nicest kids in town

Every afternoon You turn your T.V. on (na, na, na, na, na, na-na-na-na) 

And we know you turn the sound up When your parents are gone, yeah (na, na, na, na, na, na-na-na-na) 

And then you twist and shout

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For your favorite star And once you've practiced every stepThat's in your repertoire You better come on down And meet the nicest kids in town

(Running from school to Tracyґs house)

TRACYHurry Penny, hurry, the showґs already started! Weґre gonna miss it!

PENNYIґm hurrying, Tracy, but my mother says Iґm not allowed to perspire!


(Back at Tracyґs house. Edna and Prudy are talking.)

PRUDYEdna, is my laundry ready?

EDNAWho wants to know? Sure is hon. Come on up. That will be three dollars.

PRUDYThatґs pretty pricely for a few pairs of pettipants.

EDNAIґm sorry, Prudy Pingleton, but there were some extra charges. Some of your personal stains required pounding on a rock.

(Tracy and Penny enter).

TRACYIґm home!

EDNAFour oґclock. Guess I donґt need to ask who got detention again. Tracy Turnblad, mind your manners and say hello to our guest.

TRACYHello, Mrs. Pingleton.

EDNAAnd you, Penny?

PENNYHello Mrs. Pingleton... I mean... mother.

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EDNATeenagers. They just love watching that Corny Collins.

PRUDYDelinquents. It ainґt right dancing to that colored music.

EDNADonґt be silly, it ainґt colored, the TVґs black and white.

(Prudy exits shaking her head in disapproval).

PRUDYPenny Pingleton, come back before I kill your grandmother, yesterday it was almost too late...

PENNYYes mother, just keep away from the knives this time...

PRUDYYeah yeah... and remember... you keep away from any kind of race expresion...


CORNYNice white kidsWho like to lead the wayAnd once a monthWe have our "negro day!"And i'm the man who keeps it spinnin' round Mr. Corny Collins With the latest, greatest Baltimore sound!!

So every afternoon Drop everything (bop-bee-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba)

Who needs to read and write When you can dance and sing?(bop-bee-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba, bee-ba) 

Forget about your algebra And calculus You can always do your homework On the morning bus Can't tell a verb from a noun They're the nicest kids in town 

Roll Call!!

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COUNCIL MEMBERSI'm Amber!Brad!Tammy!Fender!Brenda!Sketchy!Shelley!I.Q.Lou Ann!And I'm...LINK!(All of the girls scream.)

TRACYOh Link! Kiss me again and again!

EDNATurn that racket down. Iґm trying to iron in here.

CORNY (& COUNCIL MEMBERS)So, if every night you're shakingAs you lie in bed (mony-mony, ooh, mony-mony)

And the bass and drums Are pounding in your head (mony-mony, ooh, mony-mony)Who cares about sleep When you can snooze inSchool?

They'll never get to college But they sure look cool Don't need a cap and a gown'Cause they're the nicest Kids in town 

They're the nicest. Nicest They're the nicest, nicest They're the sugar 'n' spicest, The nicest kids in... Kids in town! 

CORNYAnd that was our new dance of the week, the “stricken chicken”. Weґll be right back.

(Lights shift in the TV studio).

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VELMAAnd weґre off! All right, people, how many times do I have to tell you? We do not pick our noses, while on camera. And Tammy that thing is horrible, lose it. You too, Fender. 

(The kids sadly turn away to remove their padding).

And Link, stop hogging the camera; youґre not Elvis yet. Amber... hog the camera.

AMBERYes, mother.

VELMAAnd you, Mr Collins! None of that Detroit sound today. You have something against good music?

CORNYThe kids are just over the moon for rhythm and blues, Velma. They canґt get enough.

VELMATheyґre kids, Corny. Thatґs why we have to steer them in the white direction... I mean... you know what I mean.

LINKAmber, Iґve got something for you. (Offers his ring). I figured, since weґve been going together sort of... steadily... maybe we should make it official.

AMBEROh, Link. Your Council Member ring. How sweet. And it matches my hair color exactly!

VELMAAh, ah, ah! None of that! Save your personal lives for the camera! And weґre back in five, four, three...

CORNYNow donґt forget, guys and Gidgets, our very first prime time spectacular is coming up on June 6th . Weґll be live at Baltimoreґs brand new Eventorium broadcasting nationwide! Talent scouts will arrive from all of the major record labels, and sponsoring the event will be none other than our Ultra Clutch Hairspray. So, letґs give a great big fawning Baltimore salute to the President of Ultra Clutch, Mr. Spritzer.

SPRITZERUltra clutch is happy to bring you fine youngsters to national attention.

ALLOur big break!

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CORNYAlso live on the special, weґll be crowning your choice for Miss Teenage Hairspary 1962!

AMBERMy big break!

(Back at Tracy’s)

EDNAWell, isnґt she a lovely slim girl.

TRACYI guess Amberґs pretty but she canґt dance.

PENNYPlastic little spastic.

TRACYOh no! Iґm gonna kill myself. Look! Sheґs wearing Linkґs council ring!

AMBER (Reading from a cue card)Hey, gang, donґt forget to watch Mom and me next Thursday on Mother-Daughter Day. And I want to be your Miss Teenage Hairspray. Remember, a vote for me from you is a vote for me.

CORNYWhat an unexpected ad lib., Amber. And speaking of expecting the unexpected, our own fun loving, freewheeling Brenda will be taking a leave of absence from the show. How long will you be gone Brenda?

BRENDANine months.

CORNYSo, it seems weґll have an opening for a girl who is just as fun loving, but maybe not quite as freewheeling. Wanna be one of the nicest kids in town? Cut school tomorrow and come on down to station WZZT to audition!

TRACYOhmigod! Itґs the drean of a lifetime. I have to go audition.

PENNYOhmigod! Itґs the dream of a lifetime. I have to go watch you audition.

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EDNA (turning off the TV)Thatґll be enough of that for one day. No one is auditioning for anything. Thereґll be no cutting school in this house. 

PENNYBut Mrs. Turnblad...

EDNAPenny, go tell your mother she wants you.

PENNYShe does? I better hurry. Bye Mrs. Turnblad, bye Tracy.

(Penny bumps Wilbur as he enters).

WILBURWhoa! Rush hour traffic! Hiya ladies. Since I got that new shipment of exploding bubble gum, business downstairs is booming! How are my two funny honeys?

EDNAOh, stop Wilbur. Youґre the funny one.

TRACYDaddy, tomorrow Iґm auditioning to dance on a TV show.

EDNAYouґre going to have to go further than that to get around me, young lady. No oneґs auditioning for anything. And what did I tell you about that hair? All ratted up like a teenaged Jezebel.

TRACYMother, you are so fifties. Even our first lady, Jackie B. Kennedy rats her hair.

EDNAYeah? Well, you ainґt no first lady, are ya? Sheґs a hair hopper, thatґs what got her put in detention again. (Taking Wilbur aside). Wilbur, talk to her- Girls like Tracy... people like us... you know what Iґm saying. They donґt put people like us on TV, except to be laughed at.

WILBURTracy, this TV thing... you really want it?

TRACYItґs my dream, Daddy.

WILBURThen you go for it! This is America, babe. You gotta think big to be big.

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EDNABeing big is not the problem Wilbur.

WILBURWhen I was oyur age my parents begged me to run away with the circus, but I said, “No, thatґs what you want. I have dreams of my own”. I dreamt of opening a chain of joke shops worldwide. So, okay, Iґve still got only one, but someday, if I can figure out how to keep the air from leaking out of my sofa sized Whoopee Cushion, Iґm going to make a noise heard round the world!(Edna screams with delight)You follow your dream, baby. Iґm grabinґan orange crush and heading back to the shop... I got my dream and I wuv it!

EDNAYouґre not helping Wilbur!

TRACYThanks Daddy.EDNATracy, come back up here. Iґve got hampers of laundry ans my diet pill is wearing off.

TRACYBut Mamma I want to be famous.

EDNAYou want to be famous? Learn how to get blood out of a car upholstery. Now thatґs a skill you could take right to the bank. You think I wanted to spend my life washing and ironing other peopleґs clothing? No, I wanted to design them. I thought I would be the biggest thing in brassieres. Well, you deal with what life gives you. Now start folding.



(At Penny and Prudyґs House).

PENNYBut Mom, all I was doing was watching Corny Collins over at Tracyґs.

PRUDYDidnґt I forbid you from listening to race music? Oh, if the police ever locate your father heґll punish you good.

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(At Amber and Velmaґs House).

VELMAYour dancing was atrocious yoday, Amber. Iґm willing to lie, cheat, and steal to win you that Miss Hairspray crown, but youґve got to work with me. Now let me at that zit!

(At Tracyґs House).

EDNAStop! Thatґs no way to treat clean clothes. One day youґll own “Ednaґs Ocidental Laundry” Will you be ready?

TRACYI hope not.


PRUDY Don't contradict me! 

VELMA Don't disobey me! 

EDNA Don't even think about going to that audition. 



3 GIRLS Mother!!!! 

MOMS Stop! 

PENNYStop telling me what to do

MOMS Don't! 

AMBER Don't treat me like a child of two 


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TRACY I know that you want what's best 

MOMS Please! 

TRACY But mother, please, 

GIRLS Give it a rest!!! 

ALL Stop! Don't! No! Please! Stop! Don't! No! Please! Stop! Don't! No! Please! Mama. I'm a big girl now! 

TRACY Once upon a time when I was just a kid You never let me do iust what the older kids did But lose that laundry list of what you won't allow 

GIRLS 'Cause mama, i'm a big girl now 

AMBER Once upon a time I used to play with toys But now i'd rather play around with teenage boys So, if I get a hickey, please don't have a cow 

GIRLS 'Cause mama, i'm a big girl now 

PENNY Ma, I gotta tell you that without a doubt I get my best dancing lessons from you You're the one who taught me how to "twist and shout" Because you shout non-stop And you're so twisted too! Wo -oh -oh -oh -oh 

TRACY Once I used to fidget 'Cause I just sat home 

AMBER But now i'm just like gidget And I gotta get to rome! 

PENNY So say, arrivederci! 

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TRACY Toodle-loo! 

AMBER And ciao! 

GIRLS 'Cause mama, i'm a big girl now 

ALL Stop! Don't! No! Please! Stop! Don't! No! Please! Stop! Don't! No! Please! 

GIRLS Mama, i'm a big girl now (hey mama, say mama) 

TRACY Once upon a time I was a shy young thing Could barely walk and talk so much as dance and sing But let me hit that stage, I wanna take my bow 

GIRLS 'Cause mama, i'm a big girl now 

AMBER Wo - oh - oh - oh - oh Once upon a time I used to dress up 'ken' But now that i'm a woman, I like bigger men And I don't need a barbie doll to show me how 

GIRLS 'Cause mama, i'm a big girl now 

GIRLS Ma, you always taught me What was right from wrong And now I iust wanna give it a try Mama, i've been in the nest for far too long So please give a push and mama watch me fly 

AMBER Watch me fly 

GIRLS Hey, mama, say mama 

PENNY Someday I will meet a man You won't condemn 

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AMBER And we will have some kids And you can torture them 

TRACY But let me be a star Before I take that vow 

GIRLS 'Cause mama, i'm a big girl now 

PENNY Oh - Oh - Oh 

GIRLS Mama, i'm a big girl now 

AMBER Hey - Hey - Hey 

GIRLS Mama, i'm a big girl 

AMBER Ooh, such a big, big girl! 

GIRLS I'm a big girl now 

ALL Stop! Don't! No! Please! Stop! Don't! No! Please! Stop! Don't! N01 please! 

GIRLS Mama, i'm a big girl now!!! 


LOU ANNThatґs it Mrs. Von Tussle. She was the last candidate.

VELMAReally? Thatґs all? Who would ґve guessed that Baltimore girls were all so horrible? My, how this town has gone downhill since I was crowned Miss Baltimore Crabs.

(Tracy & Penny enter, running, out of breath).

TAMMYOh wait Mrs. Von Tussle, it seems we have another downhill girl to audition.

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TRACYPhew! I thought weґd never get here. Stupid bus crash!

PENNYAll my life I imagined what this place would look like. This isnґt it.

TRACYHi there. Am I too late to audition?

VELMANot too late, dear. Just too much

PENNYTracy! Look, itґs Link!

TRACYLink Larkin. So near, and yet so gorgeous.

LINK (heґs talking to Fender)I know, those girls were all over me. I donґt know how Rock Hudson stands it. (He walks right into Tracy). Excuse me, little darling, I hipe I didnґt mess your ‘do.

(Everyone freezes except Tracy and Penny).


TRACYI can hear the bells

PENNYTracy, are you all right?

TRACYWell, don'tcha hear them chime?

PENNYI don't hear anything.

TRACY Can't 'cha feel my heartbeat keeping perfect time? And all because he... 

Touched meHe looked at me and stared, yes he Bumped me My heart was unprepared when he Tapped me And knocked me off my feetOne little touch Now my life's complete 'cause when he 

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Nudged me Love put me in a fix, yes it Hit me Just like a ton of bricks, yes my Heart burst Now I know what life's about One little touch And love's knocked me out and, 

TRACY (& ENSEMBLE) I can hear the bells My head is spinning I can hear the bells Something's beginning 

Everybody says That a girl who looks like me Can't win his love Well, just wait and see 'cause 

I can hear the bells Just hear them chiming I can hear the bells My temp'rature's climbing

I cant contain my joy 'Cause I fin'ly found the boy I've been missin' Listen! I can hear the bells 

Round oneHe'll ask me on a date and thenRound twoI'll primp, but won't late becauseRound three'sWhen we kiss inside his carWon't go all the wayBut i'll go pretty far!And then,

Round four He'll ask me for my hand and then Round five We'll book the wedding band so by Round six Amber, much to your surprise This heavyweight champion Takes the prize and... 

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I can hear the bells My ears are ringing I can hear the bells The bridesmaids are singing 

Everybody saysThet a guy who's such a gemWon't look my wayWell, the laugh's on them 'causeI can hear the bells

My father will smile I can hear the bells As he walks me down the aisle 

My mother starts to cry But I can't see 'cause Link and I Are french kissin' Listen! I can hear the bells 

I can hear the bells My head is reeling I can hear the bells I can't stop the pealing 

Everybody warns That he won't like what he'll see But I know that he'll look Inside of me yeah, 

I can hear the bells Today's just the start 'cause I can hear the bells And 'til death do us part 

And even when we die We'll look down from up above Remembering the night That we two fell in love 

We both will share a tear And he'll whisper as we're reminiscin' Listen! I can hear the bells 

ENSEMBLEShe can hear the bells

TRACYI can hear the bells

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ENSEMBLEShe can hear the bells

TRACYI can hear the bells

ENSEMBLEBong, bong, bong, bong!

AMBERAnd what are you doing here?

TRACYI came to audition for Corny. My name is Tracy Turnblad. And, like you, I go to Patterson Park High...

SHELLEYYes, Iґve seen you.

AMBERWho could miss her? Arenґt you usually in detention about now?

TRACYI cut school to come down here. Isnґt that too cool? Iґm a little nervous, can I start over. I assure youґll calm down, right after I have a heart attack!


TRACYWell, I brought my own '45s,' so if you put 'em on, I'll show you my stuff!

LOU ANN Haven't you already shown us enough? 

{The Council Girls snicker.) 

VELMA Oh my god How times have changed This girl's either blind Or completely deranged Ah, but time seemed to halt When I was "Miss Baltimore Crabs"

TRACYItґs been my childhood dream to dance on this show!

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AMBERWell, maybe you oughta go back to sleep!

Childhood dreams For me were cracked When that damn shirley temple Stole my frickin' act But the crown's in the vault From when I won "Miss Baltimore Crabs"

Those poor runner-ups Might still hold some grudgesThey padded their 'cups' But I screwed the judges Those broads thought they'd win If a plate they would spin in their dance Not a chance!

Cause I hit the stage Batons ablaze While belting high 'c's And preparing souffles! But that triple somersault Was how I clinched "Miss Baltimore Crabs"!

VELMA Proceed... 

TAMMY Are you scared we're on live? 

TRACY No, I'm sure I can cope! 

AMBER Well, this show isn't broadcast in... 

COUNCIL GIRLS ...Cinemascope! 

VELMAI never drank one chocolate malt No, no desserts for "Miss Baltimore Crabs"

SHELLEYHow many sweaters do you own?

TRACYWell, I'm sure I've got plenty Let's see, I have three...five?... Wait, I have twenty!!

Page 20: Hairspray Libretto

VELMAI would say 'oy gevalt' If I wasn't "Miss Baltimore Crabs"!

A tycoon I wedSo cuddly and funnyThe old fart dropped deadBut left tons of moneySo I bought this station

VELMA & COUNCIL GIRLS So all of the nation Could see 

VELMA Baby amber and me! 

AMBER Do you dance like you dress? 

LINK Amber, there's no need to be cruel! 

VELMA Would you swim in an integrated pool? 

(The Council Members gasp.)

TRACY I sure would. I'm all for integration, it's The New Frontier! 

VELMA Not in Baltimore it isn't! And may I be frank? 

First impressions can be tough And when I saw you, I knew it If your size weren't enough Your last answer just blew it! 

And so, my dear, so short and stout You'll never be "in" 

VELMA & COUNCIL GIRLS So we're kicking you out! 

VELMA You can't get past me kid But it isn't your fault 

VELMA & COUNCIL MEMBERS It's hard to get rid of "Miss Baltimore... 

Page 21: Hairspray Libretto

VELMA ...Crabs!" You may go. 

TRACY Um... thank you? 

PENNY Gee Tracy, that went well! 

(Lorraine comes in). 

LORRAINEHello Ma'am, may I please audition? 

VELMA No, but you can bow and exalt! 'Cause I was "Miss Baltimore... 

VELMA & THE COUNCIL MEMBERS ...Crabs"! Crabs, Crabs!!! 


TRACYWhy do they have to be so mean? Will they give me a chance? Encouragement? Appreciation? No, all I ever hear is...

PRINCIPALTracy Turnblad, once again your monumental hair do has seriously obstructed everyoneґs view of the blackboard. As Principal of Patterson Park High, I condemn you to three more days of detention!

TRACYDetention! Is there no pity for a teen just trying to fit in?

SEAWEEDMaybe you shouldnґt try so hard?

TRACYExcuse me. You get detention just about every time I do, and Iґve never seen you complain.

SEAWEEDItґs how I use my blues.

DUANEUse them blues honey! You gotta use them to lose them.

Page 22: Hairspray Libretto

TRACYHey, that moveґs swift.

SEAWEEDThe man can dine me on a diet of detention so long as he donґt starve me of my tunes.Hereґs a little something that says: Hello, my name is Seaweed...

TRACYThatґs unbelievable. Can I do that?

SEAWEEDI donґt know... can you?

TRACYHello, my name is Tracy Turnblad.

STOOIEHey! Not bad for a white girl.

SEAWEEDAinґt no black and white here... detention is a rainbow experience.

TRACYOh! Whatґs that step?

SEAWEEDOh this? I call it “the hottie”... I use it to attract the opposite sex... Good girl! You almost have it!

TRACYOh my God! Iґve just realized who you are. Iґve seen you dance on Negro Day.

LORRAINEOf course you have... his mom hosts the show!

TRACYYour Mom is Motormouth Maybelle, the DJ? That makes you like... royalty! Negro day is the best! I wish every day was negro day.

SEAWEEDAt our house it is.

TRACYWait! Corny Collins is hosting an important Dance tomorrow night, maybe if he saw me dancing like this with you heґd put me on his show... 


Page 23: Hairspray Libretto

LORRAINEThatґcould work...

STOOIE & DUANEYeaah! You can do it girl!

SEAWEEDSo how do you feel about detention now?

TRACYIґm a bad, bad girl who needs to be punished!

(They all begin to dance)

PRINCIPALSmiling, laughing and dancing in detention? Tracy Turnblad! Iґm putting you in Special Ed.

TRACYSpecial Ed? What do you do in special Ed?




CORNYHey there you young dancers! Iґm honored to be your guest DJ here at PHP ... So with no further ado-do, letґs do do some dancing. Itґs the hottest dance arround and it was born right here in Baltimore! Whatґs it called kids!

STUDENTSThe Madison Dance!

CORNYAnd where did you see it first?

STUDENTSThe Corny Collins Show!

CORNYItґs Madison time! Go!

(The music starts. They all start dancing)

TRACYHurry Seaweed! The dance has already started!

Page 24: Hairspray Libretto

SEAWEEDAll right but remember, you gotta dance with your crowd ans I gotta dance with mine.

TRACYO look! Itґs the Madison, my favourite!

SEAWEEDYou keep your eye on Corny. This could be your big chance! TRACYThen youґd better keep an eye on me.

CORNYNow when I say hit it! Show me a big bad Baltimore box... Hit it!

LORRAINEWhy do we always have to dance at the back?

SEAWEEDI donґt know... itґs just the way it is.

CORNYWhen I say hit it, take it to the basket! Hit it! Amber, who is your friend... sheґs like a breath of fresh mountain air!

AMBERYou got the mountain part right!

CORNYNow when I say hit it, letґs take a drive doen Druid Hill... Hit it!!Hang a right... feed the monkey... heґs in the back seat.

LINKHey little darling... havenґt we met somewhere?

TRACYLink Larkin actually spoke to me. Iґll never wash this ear again!

(They continue dancing. Tracy is dancing near Corny)

TRACYHi Corny!

CORNYHey Cupcake! Whatґs your name?

TRACY (as she does the “my name is” dance)Iґm Tracy Turnblad.

CORNYWhat else have you got hiding in those Buster Browns?

Page 25: Hairspray Libretto

TRACYWell... hereґs one I learnt in detention... itґs “the Hotties” step. I use it to attract the opposite sex.

SEAWEEDHey hey hey! Check her out everybody!

(Tracy does the step, and everybody join in).

LINKThat girlґs as free as the wind.

AMBEREverybody stop liking her!

CORNYAll right everYbody, letґs take it home! Crazy! And that, Baltimorians, is how we do the Madison!



CORNYHey there teenage Baltimore! Youґre just in time for The Corny Collins Show!Todayґs jam-packed edition will include Limk Larkin singins a special request Top 40 hit: It takes Two. So let the Party begin!

(At Tracyґs Home)

PENNYHurry Miz Turnblad! Hurry, Mr. Turnblad! Come see whatґs on TV.

WILBURPenny Pingleton, this better be important.


EDNAOh no! Donґt tell me your mother is on 8 oґclock news... again. Last week she was claming there was an alien in her back yard. 

PENNYOh no! I already put my grandmother inside the house. This is something else... come!

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6. NICEST KIDS IN TOWN (reprise)

ALLRoll Call!!

COUNCIL MEMBERSI'm Amber!Brad!Tammy!Fender!Brenda!Sketch!Shelley!I.Q.Lou Ann!And I'm... Tracy!(All of the girls scream.)

CORNYSo, if every night you're shakingAs you lie in bed WILBUR, EDNA & PENNYGo Tracy! Go, go Tracy!

And the bass and drums Are pounding in your head 

Who cares about sleep When you can snooze in School?

They'll never get to college But they sure look cool Don't need a cap and a gown'Cause they're the nicest Kids in town 

They're the nicest. Nicest They're the nicest, nicest They're the sugar 'n' spicest, The nicest kids in... Kids in town! 

CORNYYeah! And that was our dance of the week: “The hottie”, introduced to you by our brand new Council Member, Miss Tracy Turnblad.

EDNAOh! My word! Tracy! Live in our own living room!

WILBURI think Iґve seen her before.

Page 27: Hairspray Libretto

PENNYAnd sheґs going to be a regular.

EDNAImagine, my little girl.. regular at last!PENNYHi Tracy! Itґs me Penny!

EDNAShe canґt hear you.

(The phone rings and she answers it).

EDNAHello... yes, this is her childhood home... no Iґm not her father.

CORNYSo letґs wave a wistful bye bye to Brenda... see you next year.


CORNY... and inaugurate the newest member of our council Tracy Turnblad! Cozy up to old Corny and tell is about yourself Trrrrace!

TRACYWell, I go to Patterson Park High, I watch your show, and I do absolutely nothing else.

CORNYAnd if you were president, what would your first official act be?

TRACYWell, Iґd make everyday Negro Day!

VELMA & SPRITZERWhaaaaaat! (He runs off in terror, she follows him).

CORNYSo... what do you say kid! Looks like we might just have a hot new candidate for Miss Teenage Hairspray!

AMBERNo, she canґt be MissHairspray! Sheґs the “before” in the Metrecal diet ad, and Iґm the “after”... and afters always win!

CORNYAmber... what a comedian! So, Tracy, how would you like Link Larkin to sing s song just for you?

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AMBERNo! He canґt because everyone knows that whenever he sings, heґs singing to ME. Heґs completely involved with ME... see?

CORNYRight, so Tracy, tell us how would you like Link Larkin to sing s song just for you?

TRACYWould I? Would I?

AMBERYou people are ignoring the laws of nature!

CORNYLink Larkin, our own Elvis, will now sing to the equaly blooming Tracy Turnblad his version of this weekґs top 40 hit, “It takes two”.



CHOIR ???, ???, ???, ???, ??? ???, ???, ???, ??? It takes two ???.???, ???, ???.???, ??? Doo doo, wop! 

LINK They say it's a man's world Well, that cannot be denied But what good's a man's world Without a woman by your side And so I will wait Until that moment you decide 

LINK & CHOIRThat i'm your man And you're my girl That i'm the sea And you're the pearl It takes two, baby, It takes two Doo doo - wop! 

LINK A king ain't a king Without the pow'r behind the throne A prince is a pauper. Babe, Without a chick to call his own 

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So please, darling, choose me I don't wanna rule alone Tell me, 

LINK & GUYS I'm your king And you're my queen That no one else Can come between It takes two, baby, It takes two CHOIRDon't you know LINK Lancelot had guinevere Mrs. Claus has old st. Nick Romeo had juliet And liz, well, she has her dick They say it takes two to tango Well, that tango's child's play So take me to the dance floor 

And we'll twist the night away 

Just like frankie avalon Had his favorite mouseketeer I dream of a lover, babe, To say the things 1 long to hear So come closer baby, Oh and whisper in my ear 

TRACY (in anything but a whisper) Yeah! 

LINK TRACYThat you're my girl I'm your girlAnd i'm your boy You're my boyThat you're my pride You're my pride And i'm your joy I'm your joy That i'm the sand I'm the sand 

And you're the tide You're the tideI'll be the groom Be the groom If you'll be my bride I'll be your brideIt takes two, baby, It takes two It takes two It takes two 

LINK It takes two, baby 

TRACY & LINK It takes two 

Page 30: Hairspray Libretto

CHOIR ...Two - oo - ???! 

SPRITZERNegro Day everyday? Thay chubby communist girl... I assure you. Controversy is not what Ultra Clutch wishes to promote.

CORNYNegroes and chubby girls buy hairspray too, Mr. Spritzer.

SPRITZERMrs. Von Tussle, how do you plan to handle this?

VELMAI plan to start by firing him!

CORNYYou canґt fire Corny Collins from the Corny Colins Show.

VELMAWhy not? They do it all the time on Lassie!

CORNYMR. Spritzer. To keep the audience you got to keep up with the times.

VELMAThis showґs fine the way it is.

CORNYBringing Tracy on is just the beggining. Iґve got terrific ideas for updating the show.

SPRITZERIґm getting one of my sick headaches. I need to lie down. (He leaves).

VELMASo youґve got ideas, do you? And going behind my back to put this no-talent fattie on the show is one of them?

CORNYDamn right Velma. Itґs time we put kids on the show who look like kids who watch the show.

VELMANot while Iґm producing it.

CORNYMaybe itґs time to change that, too.

VELMAAre you threatening me Collins?

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CORNYAw! You know me Velma! On the other hand, I could always take the show to channel 11.



EDNA (tired from hours on the phone)Yes. Thank you so much!... I’m sure Tracy appreciates your vote for Miss Teenage Hairspray. Yes! And she loves you too. Very much. Whoever you are. Goodbye! (The phone rings again). This is crazy. Hello? What am I wearing? A housecoat, scuffies and Supphose. What are you wearing? Hello? Hello?

TRACY (bursting in exitedly)Mama did you see? Did you see me?

EDNAOf course I did. It was on television. I had to. The phone’s been ringing like he was a telethon. To think, the fruit of my womb, a beloved TV icon.

TRACYSo you are not mad?

EDNAMad? How could I be mad? You’re famous! If you’d only told me you was going to get on the show, I never would have said you couldn’t. But sit... tell me, i fame all you thought it would be? Are you happy honey?

TRACYYes Mama, and I think I’m in love.

EDNAI know. I’ve been following. But you and I are going to have a talk about boys. You can learn a lot from the mistakes of the women on soap-operas. (Phone rings). There it goes again.

TRACYHello? Yes... this is Tracy Turnblad. Hello Mr. Pinky.

EDNAMr. Pinky? THE Mr. Pinky? As in Mr. Pinky’s Quality Clothes for Quantity Girls?TRACYYou want to hire me as your exclusive spokesgirl and fashion effigy? (to Edna) What’s an effigy? That’s very flattering, but I'm afraid all business must go through my agent... it would be our pleasure. We’ll be right over, Mr. Pinky. Goodbye! (She hangs up the phone).

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EDNAAn agent! I don’t know any agents. How about a nice bail bondsman?

TRACYMother, put that thing down. I'm taking my new agent to Mr. Pinky’s Shop, and then out on the town.

EDNAWho? Me Tracy Turnblad, fame has gone into your head and left you wacky. Hon... I’ll be right beside you, if that’s what you want, and together we can claw your way to the top. But can’t we do it over the phone? I haven’t been out of this appartment since... since... I’ve neer been out of this appartment!


TRACY Hey mama hey mama, Look around Everybody's groovin' to a brand new sound Hey mama hey mama, Follow me 1 know something's in you That you wanna set free 

So let so, go, go of the past now Say hello to the love in your heart Yes, 1 know that the world's spinning fast now You gotta get yourself a brand new start 

TRACY, DYNAMITES & ENSEMBLE Hey mama, welcome to the 60's Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh mama, welcome to the 60's Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Go mama, go, go, go! 

DYNAMITES & ENSEMBLE Welcome to the 60's Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Hey mama Yeah, yeah, yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah 

TRACY Hey mama, hey mama, Take my hand 

EDNA First let's make a pit stop At the wiener stand 

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TRACY Hey mama, hey mama, Take a chance 

EDNA Oh Tracy, it's been years Since someone asked me to dance 

TRACY So let go, so, go of the past now Say hello to the light in your eyes Yes, I know that the world's Spinning fast now But you gotta run the race To win the prize 

TRACY, DYNAMITES &, ENSEMBLE Hey mama, welcome to the 60's Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh Oh mama, welcome to the 60's Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Go mama, go, go, go! 

DYNAMITES & ENSEMBLE Welcome to the 60's Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Hey mama Yeah, yeah, yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah 

(Tracy & Edna arrive at Mr. Pinky's Hefty Hideaway as new fans besiege Tracy for photos and autographs.) 

DYNAMITES Welcome to the rhythm of a brand new day 

TRACY Take your old-fashioned fears 

TRACY & DYNAMITES And just throw them away 

MR. PINKY'S STAFF You should add some color and a fresh new "do" 

DYNAMITES & ENSEMBLE 'Cause it's time for a star Who looks just like you! 

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JUDINE Dontcha let nobody Try to steal your fun 'Cause a little touch of lipstick Never hurt no one 

KAMILAH The future's got a million roads For you to choose But you'll walk a little taller In some high-heel shoes 

SHAYNA And once you find the style That makes you feel like you Something fresh Something new 

DYNAMITES & ENSEMBLE Step on out Hear us shout 

TRACY, DYNAMITES & ENSEMBLE Mama, that's your cue!!! 

ENSEMBLE Yeah, Yeah, Yeah 

(Edna emerges from Mr. Pinky's Shop all brand new.) 

EDNA Hey Tracy, hey baby, Look at me! I'm the cutest chickie That ya ever did see 

Hey Tracy, hey baby, Look at us Where is there a team That's half as fabulous?! 

(Tracy takes her turn in "Mr. Pinky's".) 

EDNA (& ENSEMBLE) I let go, go. Go of the past now Said hello to this red carpet ride Yes I know that the world's spinning fast now Tell lollabrigida to step aside! 

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EDNA & ENSEMBLE Your mama's welcoming the 60's Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh Oh your mama's welcoming the 60's Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Go, mama, go, go, go! 

ENSEMBLE Welcome to the 60's Open the door For the girl who has more, She's a star... Tracy, go, go, go! 

ALL Oh mama, welcome to the 60's Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh Oh mama, welcome to the 60's Oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh Go mama. Go, go, go! 

Hey mama welcome to the 60's 

KAMILAH Welcome to the "6", to the "0" To the apostrophe "s"! 

ALL Hey mama welcome to the 60's 

(JUDINE riffs.) 

ALL Hey mama welcome to the 60's 

(SHAYNA riffs.) 

ALL Welcome to the 60's Go mama go, go, go! 

DYNAMITES Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh Oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh Go mama, go, go, go!! 

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SCENE 8: Dodgeball - Patterson High School Playground.

Link, Fender and their male pals warm up on the far side of stage. Amber, Lou Ann, and Shelley enter. Tammy enters wearing a wig designed to make her look like Tracy. Amber stares.

AMBERWhat is that supposed to be?

TAMMYIsnґt it the dreamiest? Itґs called “The Tracy”. Everyone whoґs anyone has one.

GYM TEACHERGather up, students. Brace yourselves for scatter dodge ball.

AMBERKathy Schmink told me she heard Tracy was seen with that horrible boy from the Chess Club…

SHELLEYI heard sheґs friends with another boy who is not on the Chess Club ... yet. (Looks at Link).

TAMMYIs is true she is in Special Ed? (Trying to change the subject).

AMBERYup. Tracy Turnblah is a tramp and she is retarded. Thatґs right… sheґs fast and slow at the same time! (she crosses to Link). Link Larkin, how could you kiss that oversized buffalo right on the… air?

LINKThat didnґt mean anything, Amber, it was just a cool way to end the song.

(Tracy, Seaweed, and the Special Ed kids arrive).

FENDERHey, here they come! Special Ed! Special geeks! Geeks!

LINKThat ainґt cool Fender.

GYM TEACHERHa, ha! Special Ed! Ha, ha!

TRACY (praying to herself when she sees Link)Oh Link, if fate forces you to throw the ball at me today, seal it with a kiss.

SEAWEEDGot a prayer for me too? This game can get pretty vicious.

Page 37: Hairspray Libretto

TRACYWhat is scatter dodge ball anyway?

SEAWEEDItґs sort of like a protest rally. Looks like a good idea until the police show up, then you better scatter and dodge.

PENNYHi, Tracy. Sorry about your Special Ed-ness. But think of it as a testament to the record-breaking extremes your hair has reached. Iґm so jealous! Hello…

TRACYSeaweed, this is my friend Penny Lou Pingleton.

SEAWEEDWait, Iґve seen you before. At the gum machine!

PENNY (proudly)I do two packs a day.

SEAWEEDHmm… All that chewing must make the muscles in your mouth mighty strong.

PENNY (blushing with pride)Not really… probably just average.

AMBERWell, well, well, Tracy Tugboat… you finally found a tittle you could win: Miss Special Ed!

LINKKnock it off Amber.

TRACYAmber Von Tussle, you have acne of the soul.

GYM TEACHERStudents… Commence!

(And with a shrill whistle the game begins. Amber gets the ball and throws it at Tracy).

AMBERHey, thunder thighs, dodge this!

TRACYYou throw like a girl!

SEAWEEDHey, no fair throwing at the head.

Page 38: Hairspray Libretto

GYM TEACHERThatґs right, go for his nuts!

(The ball barely misses his head).

LINKEverybody take it easy. This isnґt World War Three!

(Amber gets the ball away form Link and takes dead aim at Tracyґs head)

AMBERSays you! Eat dodge ball, Trampy Ton-o-lard!

(She snaps the ball right into Tracyґs head. Tracy crumples to the ground, knocked out. A whistle blows).


(School bell rings)

Class dismissed! All right you stinky! If you take a shower before Christmas you get Extra credit!

(They leave).

AMBERPoor Tracy. So tragic, I forgot to cry. Are you coming, Link?

LINKAmber, that wasnґt necessary.

AMBERI said, are you coming, Link?

LINKIn a minute.

AMBERIґll be waiting under the bleachers.

(She leaves. Seaweed. Tracy and Link are helping Tracy).

PENNYUh, oh, Tracy? Are you dead?

SEAWEEDI better go get the school nurse.

PENNYIґll go with you.

Page 39: Hairspray Libretto

(They go off together, leaving Tracy and Link alone).

LINKTracy? Tracy, how you doinґ? Gee… you are beautiful when you are unconscious.

(A bell tone identifies “I Can Hear the Bells” as Link says those words).

TRACYWhere am I? Link?

LINKYou better? For a second there it looked like “Teen Angel” time.

TRACYWherever I am, please, no one change the channel.

LINKYouґve got a funny way of putting things. I like that.

PENNYThe nurse is out sick, but look what Seaweed found.


PENNYHeґs so nurturing.

TRACYOh, Link, this is my friend Seaweed.

LINKHow you doinґ?

SEAWEEDHow you doinґ?

PENNY (to Tracy)How are you doing? 

TRACYHow do you think? I just got creamed in front of the entire school.

SEAWEEDHey, Trace, I know whatґll make you feel better. My momґs hosting a party at our record shop on North Avenue. Wanna come check it out?

PENNYI, too, feel not good. May I also come check it out?

Page 40: Hairspray Libretto

SEAWEEDYou surely may.

TRACYIґve never been to North Avenue before.

LINKWould it be safe up there for, you know, us?

SEAWEEDDonґt worry cracker boy, itґs cool.

TRACYWhat do you think Link?

LINKI think getting to know you is the beginning of a whole lot of adventure.

PENNYImagine being invited places by colored people.

TRACYIt feels so hip!

SEAWEEDGlad you feel that way, friends. ґCause not everybody does.


I can't see Why people look at me And only see the color of my face 

And then there's those That try to help, god knows But have to always put me in my place 

Now I won't ask you to be color blind 'Cause if you pick the fruit Then girl, you're sure to find... 

The blacker the berry The sweeter the juice I could say it ain't so But darlin', what's the use? 

The darker the chocolate The richer the taste And that's where it's at... ...now run and tell that!! 

Page 41: Hairspray Libretto

ENSEMBLE Run and tell that! 

SEAWEED Run and tell that! 

ENSEMBLE Run and tell that! 

SEAWEED (& ENSEMBLE) I can't see Why people disagree Each time I tell them what I know is true 

And if you come And see the world i'm from 1 bet your heart is gonna feel it too 

Yeah. I could lie But baby. Let's be bold Vanilla can be nice But if the truth be told... 

The blacker the berry The sweeter the juice I could say it ain't so But darlin', what's the use 

The darker the chocolate The richer the taste That's where it's at

Now run and tell that!!

ENSEMBLERun and tell that!


(The scene shifts to Motormouth Maybelle's record shop dance party where her daughter Li'l Inez and her friends are already in full swing.)

LI'L INEZHey, you're Tracy Turnblad! You're my favorite dancer on the Corny Collins Show.

SEAWEEDThis is my sister, Li'l Inez.

TRACYSure. I saw you at the auditions.

Page 42: Hairspray Libretto

LI'L INEZWell, you're the only one who did, 'cause they kicked me out on my young, gifted and black behind.

SEAWEEDTell 'em about it!

LI'L INEZI'm tired of coverin' up all my pride

SEAWEED & ENSEMBLESo give me five on the black-hand side

LI'L INEZI've got a new way of movin' And I got my own voice

SEAWEED & ENSEMBLESo how can I helpBut to shout and rejoice

LI'L INEZThe people 'round here Can barely pay their rent They're "try'n to make dollarOut 'a fifteen cent" But we got a spirit Money just cant buy

LI'L INEZ & ENSEMBLEIt's deep as a river And soars to the sky!!

SEAWEED, LI'L INEZ & ENSEMBLEI cant seeThe reason it cant be The kinda world where we all get our chance

The time is now And we can show them how To turn the music up and let's all dance

'Cause all things are equal When it comes to love Well, that ain't quite true 'Cause when push comes to shove...

The blacker the berry The sweeter the juice I could say it ain't so

Page 43: Hairspray Libretto

But darlin', what's the use The darker the chocolate The richer the taste That's where it's at

SEAWEED...Now run and tell that!!

ENSEMBLERun and tell that!

SEAWEEDRun and tell that!!

(The song ends an Motormouth makes her entrance).

MOTORMOUTHThereґs platters of tunes and food on the table. What else would you expect from…

ALLMs. Motormouth Maybelle!

SEAWEEDMama, I brought some friends.

MOTORMOUTHWhoop-dee-doo, what a coup! The ever sparkinґ Sir Link Larkin!

LINKAlways nice to see you, Ms. Motormouth.

PENNYIґm Penny Lou Pingleton and Iґm very pleased and scared to be here.

MOTORMOUTHYouґre welcome, kitten, to come and sit in.

TRACYThis is just so Afro-tastic. Can I say how thrilled I am to meet you, Miz Motormouth. Iґm Seaweedґs friend, Tracy.

MOTORMOUTHOh, yes, indeedy. Iґve seen you, sweetie. All aglow on Cornyґs show.

TRACYGee, thanks. But Iґm only there because of your son. Why canґt we all dance together like this on TV?

MOTORMOUTHThink we havenґt tried? Weґve pleaded, begged, and lied. We pressured the mayor, petitioned the gov, and what did we get?

Page 44: Hairspray Libretto

MOTORMOUTH & KIDSOne day a month!

SEAWEEDEnough talk. We came to dance. Letґs play some hide and seek!

(Music starts).

TRACY. PENNY & LINKThe dirty boogie!

(They start to dance when suddenly the door bursts open).

AMBERAaaaaaieeeeeee!! Link!! What are you doing in this huge crowd of minorities?

LINKTrying to fit in. What are you doing?

AMBERI waited for you under the bleachers until half-way through the JV track meet, then I saw you getting on the North Avenue bus ad I followed you here in my new car.

LINKWeґre having a blast! Come on, jump in!

(The door bursts open again)

VELMAAaaaieeeeeeee! Amber! Has anyone touched you?

MOTORMOUTHYou all better hustle, hereґs Von Tussle.

VELMAI saw you getting into your darling, new car, so I followed you in mine. Motormouth, are you brainwashing these children?

MOTORMOUTHTheyґre only dancing.

TRACYYeah! We are dancing.

VELMAOh! I should have known youґd be at the bottom of this barrel.

(The door opens again ad this time Edna enters with a take out bag).

Page 45: Hairspray Libretto

EDNAOoooooooohhhhh!!! Tray, that was you I saw! Wilbur! It was the kids I saw!

TRACYMama, what are you doing here?

EDNAI had a sudden craving for chicken and waffles, so we drove up to Rubyґs Take-Out across the way. Hello everyone. Iґm Tracyґs mom.

VELMAOh! So you are what spawned that!

EDNAExcuse me?

VELMAI guess you two are living proof that the watermelon doesnґt fall far from the vine…

EDNATracy, be a dear, hold Mommyґs waffles.

(Edna takes a threatening step toward Velma as Wilbur enters).

WILBURAll right! A party! Anyone for chicken and waffles?

STOOIEIf we get any more white people in here, itґll be a suburb.

VELMACome on, Amber. Letґs get back to the right side of the tracks, if our cars are still there.

AMBERLetґs go, Link.

LINKAmber, youґre being rude to these people.

VELMA (as if to a dog)Amber, come!

AMBERLink, come! (he doesnґt move). Link, come!

LINKAmber, go.

Page 46: Hairspray Libretto

AMBERWhat ever happened to the bland, dominated boy I fell in love with? Mother, come.

VELMAWith pleasure.

(They leave).

EDNAI didnґt care for them.

LITTLE INEZAre all white people like that?

WILBURNaw… just most.

TRACYWell I know how we can start changing that. If kids saw us dancing together on TV, theyґd realize that weґre not so different after all. We just want to have a good time.

SEAWEEDYou saying that you and Link would be willing to dance with us on Negro Day? That would be earth shaking!

LINK (getting nervous.) Tracy…

TRACYNo. Weґre not going to dance on Negro Day.

LINK (relieved)Whew…

TRACYYouґre going to crash White Day!

MOTORMOUTHWhite day is everyday. Ya gotta get more specific than that!

TRACYIs tomorrow specific enough? Think: itґs Mother-Daughter Day. Motormouth, you work for the station. They could never turn you and Little Inez away. And once the two of you break the barrier, weґll all be free to dance on TV.

SEAWEEDThatґs revolutionary.

Page 47: Hairspray Libretto

MOTORMOUTHChild, it ainґt that easy. What if they call the cops? People could get hurt.

TRACYThen weґll all walk out together. Thereґs me. Thereґs Link and Iґm sure we can get the others. Without dancers, theyґve got no show.

MOTORMOUTHWhat a decision, your childґs got vision.

EDNAWeґve always tried to teach her to do whatґs right.

WILBURAnd give correct change.

LINK (pulling Tracy aside)Tracy, you canґt do this. Youґre new to the Council. Youґll be thrown off the show for sure.

TRACYThatґs why weґre all doing it together.

LINKNot me.

TRACYYou donґt think segregation is wrong?

LINKI like these people. But wheter or not theyґre on TV wonґt get me a recording contract. (realizes this sounds too shallow) That camo out wrong. Iґve been singing and smiling on that show for three years waiting for it to lead me to my break. Youґve got everything: brains, talent, personality. Me? Iґve got one chanc to get seen nationwide. Saturday night is everything Iґve worked for. Iґm not gonna throw it away. Cґmon, iґm leaving and you gotta too.

TRACYNo! I want to do this, and so should you. Itґs whatґs right. Stay Link. Please stay.


TRACYBut you and me together, I was starting to think…

LINKSure. But I donґt know. Itґs getting too complicated. And thereґs still Amber. See ya… little darlinґ(He leaves).

Page 48: Hairspray Libretto

PENNYIґm sorry Tracy.

TRACYOh mama… how could I think Link Larkin would ever care about someone like me?

EDNAWhy wouldnґt he? Youґre a beautiful girl. Itґs just like my soap opera!!

TRACYMama, donґt tease. I really like him. Iґve never felt anything like this before.

EDNAJust give him time. Iґm sure heґll figure out heґs crazy about you.

WILBURTracy, he could be right. Should you risk your career?

TRACYI never would have gotten on the show without Seaweed. No, itґs payback time.

WILBURThatґs my girl.

TRACYOkay. So this is how weґre gonna do it, tomorrow, everyone bring your mothers…

PENNYAnd sisters!

TRACYAnd meet me around the corner from the studio and make signs!

PENNYYes! And put words on them!

TRACYMs. Motormouth, you and Little Inez will walk in first. Me and Mama will be right behind you.

EDNAExcuse me?

TRACYTheyґll never be able to throw them through the door with us blocking it!

Page 49: Hairspray Libretto

EDNAIґm sorry, Tracy… but Iґm too fat to appear on TV.

MOTORMOUTHYou canґt let weight restrict your fate! Look at me! Iґm on TV!


MOTORMOUTHOnce upon a time Girl I was just like you Never let my extra large Largesse shine through

Hair was brown and nappy Never had no fun I hid under a bushel Which is easier said than done!

Then one day my grandma Who was big and stout She said you gotta love yourself From inside out

And just as soon as I learnedHow to strut my funky stuff I found out that the world at largeCant get enough so... 

Bring on that pecan pie Pour some sugar on it Sugar don't be shy 

Scoop me up a mess Of that chocolate swirl Don't be stingy, I'm a growing girl 

I offer big love With no apology How can I deny the world The most of me 

I am not afraid To throw my weight around Pound by pound by pound Because I'm Big, blonde and beautiful There is nothin' 'bout me That's unsuitable 

Page 50: Hairspray Libretto

No one wants a meal That only offers the least When girl we're servin' up The whole damn feast 

MOTORMOUTH & ENSEMBLESlice off a piece Of that hog head cheese Then take a look inside My book of recipes 

Now, don't you sniff around For something fluffy and light I need a man who brings A man-size... Appetite 

I'll use a pinch of sugar And a dash of spice I'll let ya lick the spoon Because it tastes so nice 

I'll keep it in my oven 'Til it's good and hot Keep on stirring til it hits the spot Because i'm... 

Big, blonde and beautiful And Edna girl, you're lookin' so Recruitable Why sit in the bleachers Timid and afraid When Edna, You can be your own parade! 

TRACY So? How 'bout it, Mama? 

EDNA Well, I am big, I am blonde... ish, and if you say I'm beautiful, I guess I'm beautiful. OK, I'll do it! 


(The scene shifts and protest signs are distributed)

Page 51: Hairspray Libretto


ALL Yeaaa! Look out old Baltimore We're marching in 'And we ain't shufflin' 

Through that old back door 

EDNA And Tracy, I will join the fight If I can keep up this pace 

WILBUR And girls, i'll be right at your side If I can find some space 

MOTORMOUTH So you can Hold your head up Just as big as ya please You know they'll hear me knockin' With the two of these! 

MOTORMOUTH & ENSEMBLE Tomorrow, side by side We'll show the world what's right 

EDNA Looks like i'm touchin' up my roots tonight! 

MOTORMOUTH & ENSEMBLE Then we'll be Big, blonde and beautiful It's time to face the fact It's irrefutable 

Can't ya hear that rumbling? That's our hunger to be free It's time to fin'ly taste Equality 

(The Corny Collins Mothers and Daughters appear. The protesters march into the studio causing caos).

COUNCIL MOTHERS & DAUGHTERS On mother/daughter day Where thin is in, We're white as wool 

Page 52: Hairspray Libretto

MOTORMOUTH Well ladies, big is back! And as for black, it's...


MOTORMOUTHAll shapes and sizes, follow me

EDNALet's bust their chops!

VELMAQuick, call the cops!

MOTORMOUTH & PROTESTERSWe're gonna dance our way to victory! 

DYNAMITESAnd get us on TV!

PROTESTERS2...4...6...8...TV'S got to integrate!

COUNCIL MEMBERSStay away! This isn't Negro Day!

DYNAMITESAnd get us on TV!

(Police sirens wail. Whistles blow. As the protesters continue their march, they are loaded into the addy wagon.)

MOTORMOUTHYou bet I'm big!

EDNA (pulling on Velmas hair) This blond is gray!

LINKTracy, this was beautiful!

MOTORMOUTHBig, blonde, and beautiful leads the way!

ENSEMBLENo one's getting on TV today!


Page 53: Hairspray Libretto




WOMENI gotta get outI gotta get outI gotta get outHow'd I get in this slammerThis coolerThis big dollhouse!

MATRONAlright, ladies, welcome to the "Big Dollhouse!" For those of you new to the Baltimore Women's House of Detention, I'm letting you know now that I don_t stand for boozing, doping, gambling, fighting or any other kind of unladylike behaviour. Think of me as a mother... one who eats her young!

VELMALocked up with all these lowlife women

EDNAAnd horizontal stripes Ain't exactly slimmin'

AMBERIs there anybody here Who can dry clean my blouse?

MATRONIt's the maid's day off

ALLIn the big dollhouse

LI'L INEZLady justice,Where have you gone?

EDNA???, wilbur, check,I think I left the iron on!

VELMADid you see Corny laughing? I could murder that louse!

Page 54: Hairspray Libretto

MATRONHoney, that'll getcha life

HOOKERSIn the big dollhouse

ALLBig house!

VELMALocked up here in the pen

ALLBig house!

AMBERNo phone!

EDNANo food!


EDNA I need a burger delivery From my loving spouse 

MATRON Honey, just eat the mice! 

ALL Of The Big Dollhouse 

MATRONExercise ladies! Come on let_s start, specially you, with those unslimming stripes!

EDNA (to Matron) Yoo hoo, My stomach's a little sour I haven't had food In over an hour 

MATRON You just had a pizza, Six burgers, a mouse! 

ALL There's no food left In the big dollhouse 

Page 55: Hairspray Libretto

VELMA Hey, matron, I have got to complain 

HOOKER Mira, mami, don't I know you From 1st and main? 

VELMA Eek, call my attorneys Lipshitz and Strauss I gotta get sprung From the big dollhouse 

ALL Big house! 


EDNA No food! 

PENNY No fun! 

ALL Big house! 

MOTORMOUTH And our fight had just begun 'Cause it's freedom's flame Velma'd like to douse So we must break out of this 

ALL Big Dollhouse 

MATRONYou do the crime, you gotta do the time!

TRACY Penny, I can't take All this waiting I've lost my man Plus, my hair's deflating! 

PENNY Well Tracy, I hate to grumble or grouse 

Page 56: Hairspray Libretto

ALL (screaming at Tracy) But it's your fault that we're in This big dollhouse!! 

BEATNIK CHICK Hey, cool it, ladies No need to shout And don't ya got an old man To bail you out? 

VELMA Ha! Her daddy's a pervert, A loser, a souse! 

EDNA (pawing Velma) Well, it's just us girls In the big dollhouse 

ALL Big house! 

AMBER God, i'm too young to fry! 

ALL Big house! 

EDNA I'm busting out! 

MOTORMOUTH Girl, so am I! 

ALL Lady justice, hear my plea 'Cause the big dollhouse The big dollhouse The big dollhouse Ain't big enough for me! For me! For me! 

EDNA For me!!! 

(Song ends).

MATRONRecess is over! Time to pay your debt to society. Please keep in mind, tipping is permited.

(She exits).

Page 57: Hairspray Libretto

EDNATo think I_d have killed to have criminal record back when my mother was alive... she_d be so proud. Remember your grandma was a defensor of women_s rights.

TRACYRight. You haven't seen the last of us, Mrs. Von Tussle. We_ll be marching again, and soon, to the beat of a whole new era!

VELMABang your drum, no one cares. Don't get anymore cute ideas about protesting or even showing up at the special. I'll have armed guards surrounding the Eventorium to make sure Tracy Turnblad doesn't get within 100 miles of that place. Game, set, match.

(A Hungarian guard enters, with his assistant holding a clipboard).

HUNGARIANSjkldnuoadhg njohfuosah asojdfniousd! Ldkzfngoidh zjsdbuosdhbfuas! Ldfkhvodhfguoashfuaajsdbfouashdfuoashf! Alsdhfoauishfuoasdhfaadfja! Lkzxjnvzlsnvlzknzбxlm!

ASSISTANTVon Tussle, Velma? Von Tussle, Amber?

AMBERThat_s us.

HUNGARIANLmc klhvv lkxhvoihvoiuv lkzniohvaoivh!

ASSISTANTLadies you_re free to go with the sincere apologies of the state of Maryland and the personal compliments of the governor himself.

VELMAThe governor? Really? Sweet, chubby Millard. We dated on and off in college. Now if you double wide twins will excuse me, I have a national TV Spectacular to produce.

AMBERI was never here. This never happened. Oh Tracy. Any message for Link? Place it on my lips, and I'll be sure he gets it.

VELMASo long Balti-morons!

(They exit laughing).

EDNAI still don't care for them.

Page 58: Hairspray Libretto

MOTORMOUTHI hear ya. Miz. T. This old jail got a whole lot nicer.

(The guards reenter and unlock the cell door).

HUNGARIAN GUARDSkjbnosjdbnosdgnsdjfgba. Adojfgnodfghaoudfhguodf ksafjiuf asodjfhoifghoi dofihgosidfhgsdofu.

ASSISTANTYou've got a visitor. Bail has been posted.

MOTORMOUTHThank the Lord for those who can afford it.

WILBURI posted bail.

EDNAWilbur! How?

WILBURSimple really. I mortgaged the Store.

TRACYOh Daddy!!

EDNABut that place is your life!

WILBURYou two are my life. Bail for everyone! Bail for the house! You're free to go.

(All the women go out of the cell. The Turnblads hang back).

MOTORMOUTHThe Turnblad gang are real good folks. They have the heart, they get the jokes.

MATRONAll prisioners kindly turn in your tap shoes on the way out.

WILBURShall we hurry up?

MATRONHold it right there. We're keeping that crowd brain washer right here.

WILBURBut I paid for everyone. I got a group discount. 

Page 59: Hairspray Libretto

MATRON (reading from his clipboard)Change your cupon back on your way out... cause here it says that:Miss Turnblad is herewith and forthwith withheld, without bail. She is to be moved to solitary confinement and held there until further notice by special order of the governor_s office. So, there.

TRACYThe governor_s office? Mrs Von Tussle! Manipulating our judicial system just to win a contest is un-American!

MATRONDon't make things worse. Move out peacefully. Hurry... I'm growing old here.

WILBURI'm not going anywhere without my daughter.

TRACYIt_s ok, daddy. They can_t keep me here forever. Besides, I've gotta lot to think about. I might as well do it in solitary refinement.

MATRONI'm counting to three and then I'm rearresting you all for illegal trespass.

WILBURLet_s go. We can't do Tracy any good here.

EDNA (To the HUNGARIAN and the ASSISTANT)Touch one hair of my daughter_s head and I'll be back to teach you a whole new meaning for split ends.

(They leave. Little Inez, Motormouth and Penny reappear).

LITTLE INEZKeep the faith, baby.

MOTORMOUTHThey haven't heard the last from us.

PENNYYou are so lucky to get out of the algebra final!

(They all leave except Tracy).


TRACYOh, oh, ohI'm all aloneMy heart has grownBut it's broken, too

Page 60: Hairspray Libretto

This morning Life was a Baltimore fairy tale Now I can't make bail!

My mother's in shock My father's in hock I much prefer link's arms To jailhouse cells

So link, please rescue me now'Cause I love you And this prison smells. Link, hear the bells!

And get ready, Baltimore There's a bright, brand-newDay in store Let me out so this dream'sUnfurledI'll eat some breakfast, Then change the world! And I promise Baltimore Once I cha-cha right out ofThat door The world's gonna wake upAnd see Link's in love with me!


Wilbur and Edna are at home later that day. Wilbur is busily working on a Jumbo Hairspray Can Model. Edna is on the phone.

EDNAHello? Yes Mr. Pinky. Yes, of course I understand you have an empire to protect. Yes. I'll return the outfits. The pettipants too. I scarcely wore them twice... but Mr. Pinky, she_s just a little girl and little girls make mistakes. If they didn_t... Where would other little girls come from?... Yes, I understand... it is too bad... Goodbye. (She hungs up). Oh Wilbur, I think I_m going mental.

WILBUROk... I'm closing up now...

EDNAOh, Wilbur, my stomach_s in knots. I bought a double box of Candy, and they_re still in the box.

WILBURCalm down sweetheart.

Page 61: Hairspray Libretto

EDNAI can_t calm down. There are names for women who abandon their daughters who_ve gotten themselves arrested for trying to integrate an after-school television show. Yes, there are names, and Hallmark doesn_t make a card for any of them!

WILBURYou can_t worry about people calling you names. You know how many times I've been called "crazy" ? But I say, "Yeah, crazy! Crazy like a loon". Anyway, we haven_t abandoned Tracy. In fact, I got just what she needs here, stand back. (The gigantic can explodes) What do you think? Isn't this great!

EDNAImpressive, but how is it gonna help our Tracy?

WILBURYou_ll be surprised.

EDNAOh, sure!... You are a visionary inventor saving the day. Tracy_s a teen idol reshaping the world, and what am I? I had a dream too you know. I used to make my own clothes, remember? I always dreamed one day I would own my own line of queen sized dress patterns.

WILBURYou were good, Edna.

EDNAYeah? And where_s it gotten me? Twenty years later I'm still washing and mending and ironing everyone else_s clothing.

WILBUROne day, Edna.

EDNANo day, Wilbur. My time_s come and gone. I'm a worn out pair of bobby sox, and the elastic is all stretched. Oh, Wilbur, I suddenly feel so... old.

The music starts.

WILBURNonsense, doll. You_re as spry as a slinky. Whenever I'm near you is like grabbing hold of a giant joy buzzer.


WILBURStyles keep a changin' The world's re-arrangin' But Edna, you're timeless to me

Page 62: Hairspray Libretto

Hemlines are shorter A beer costs a quarter But time cannot take what comes free

You're like a stinky old cheese, babeJust gettin' riper with age You're like a fatal disease, babeBut there's no cure So let this fever rage

Some folks can't stand it Say time is a bandit But I take the opposite view Cause when I need a lift Time brings a gift Another day with you A twist or a waltz It's all the same schmaltz With just a change in the sceneryYou'll never be old hat That's that! You're timeless to me

EDNAOh, Wilbur!

Fads keep a-fadin' Castro's invading! But wilbur, you're timeless to meHairdos are higherMine feels like barbed wireBut you say i'm chic as can be!

You're like a rare vintage ripple A vintage they'll never forget So pour me a teeny weenie triple And we can toast the fact we ain't dead yet!I can't stop eating Your hairline's receding Soon there'll be nothing at allSo, you'll wear a wig While I roast a pig Hey! Pass that geritol

Glenn miller had classThat chubby checker's a gasBut they all pass eventuallyYou'll never be passeHip hooray!You're timeless to me

(They dance.)

Page 63: Hairspray Libretto

WILBUROh! Edna, baby, dance for me!

EDNAOh Wilbur! You make me feel like a girl again!

WILBUROh honey show them the bumper!

EDNAOh honey, I think my bumper_s stuck in neutral...

WILBUROh don_t brake it... we may need it later!

EDNAWhat do you think of this dance big boy?

WILBURUhhhhh! Yes, yes yes, way to go baby!

EDNAYou're like a broken down chevy All you need is a fresh coat of paint

WILBURAnd Edna, you got me goin' hot and heavy You're fat and old, but baby, boring you ain't!

WILBUR & EDNA Some folks don't get it But we never fret it 'Cause we know that time is our friend It's plain to see That you're stuck with me Until the bitter end 

And we got a kid Who's blowin' the lid Off the Turnblad family tree 

EDNA You'll always hit the spot Big shot! You're timeless to me 

WILBUR You'll always be du jour Mon amour You're timeless to me 

EDNA You'll always be first string 

Page 64: Hairspray Libretto

WILBUR Ring-a-ding-ding! 

WILBUR & EDNA You're timeless to me 

EDNAOh baby, I love how you sing to me...

EDNA You're timeless to me 

WILBUROh baby, your dance was the best!

WILBUR You're timeless to me 

EDNAI know, honey... Yours too...

WILBUR & EDNA You're timeless to me!! 


(Link enters)

LINKTracy? Where are you? It_s me. Link Larkin. From the show.

TRACYLink! Over here!

LINKShhh! The guard's asleep. Gee, you look beautiful behind bars.

TRACY It must be the low-watt instutional lighting! Link what are you doing here?

LINKOh, Tracy. Seeing you dragged off to a jail brought me back to my senses. I thought I'd lose it when I thought I lost you. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sing. I couldn't even concentrate.

TRACYYou couldn't eat?

Page 65: Hairspray Libretto

LINKNo, so I went down to the station to tell Mrs. Von Tussle I was through with the Miss Hairspray broadcast...

TRACYYou did?

LINKI didn't. When I got to the station I overheard Mrs. Von Tussle talking to Spritzer. Tracy, it_s Amber the talent scouts are coming to see. It had nothing to do with me. All this time I thought Amber and I were a team. I feel such an idiot.

TRACYThat makes two of us.

LINKI know a palooka like me isn't worthy of a ground-breaking extremist like you, but...(He produces his ring)It's a little scuffed from Amber throwing it in my face when I told her I'd rather be with you.

TRACYYou did?

LINKI did. So would you consider wearing my ring?

TRACYWould I? Would I?

LINKTo lose thee were like to lose myself. Some kid named Milton wrote that in the third-floor boy's room.

TRACYThat's beautiful. (She puts on the ring).I have a good lofe: great parents, my own room, 3 sweaters, plus a learner_s permit good through August. But you know what I've been missing, Link?

LINKI think I do. (They try to kiss).Trace, they can keep us from kissing, but they can't stop us from singing!

Page 66: Hairspray Libretto


LINK Once I was a selfish fool Who never understood I never looked inside myself Though on the outside, I looked good! 

Then we met and you made me The man I am today Tracy, i'm in love with you No matter what you weigh 'Cause... 

LINK (& ENSEMBLE) Without love Life is like the seasons with No summer Without love Life is rock 'n' roll without A drummer 

Tracy, I'll be yours forever 'Cause 1 never wanna be Without love Tracy, never set me free No, I ain't lyin' Never set me free, Tracy, No, no, no!! 

TRACY Once I was a simple girl Then stardom came to me But I was still a nothing Though a thousand fans may Disagree 


TRACY Fame was just a prison Signing autographs a bore I didn't have a clue 'Til you came banging on my door 

TRACY (& ENSEMBLE)That without loveLife is like my dad without his bromo Without love Life is making out with perry como!

Page 67: Hairspray Libretto

Darling, I'll be yours forever'Cause I never wanna be Without love So darling, throw away the key

LINK & TRACYI'm yours forever

TRACYThrow away the key

LINK, TRACY& ENSEMBLEYeah, yeah, yeah!

(Scene freezes, we see Penny's house at the other side of the stage)

PRUDYPenny Lou Pingleton, you are absolutely, positively, permanently punished. This one's for being willful. This one's for being deceitful. This one's for being neglectful. And this one's for crying "wee, wee, wee" all the way home.

(The phone rings)

Why is it everytime you tie your daughter up, the phone rings?

(She exits just as Seaweed appears in the window).

SEAWEED (climbing in Penny's window) Psst Penny! What happened?! 

PENNY (strapped into bed) My mother's punishing me for going to jail without permission! 

SEAWEED Well, I'm here to save the fair maiden in her tower. 

PENNY Oh, Seaweed! You do care! I was worried it was just a lonely teenager's forbidden fantasy.

SEAWEEDFrom the moment I saw you, I knew that even the colors of our skin couldn't keep us apart. But... this knots are something else.

PENNYHurry, Seaweed!

Page 68: Hairspray Libretto

SEAWEEDLiving in the ghetto Black is everywhere ya go Who'd 've thought i'd love a girl With skin as white as winter's snow

PENNYIn my ivory tower Life was just a hostess snack But now I've tasted chocolate And i'm never going back

(He sets her free)

PENNY & SEAWEED & ENSEMBLE'Cause without love

SEAWEEDLife is like a beat that you can't follow


PENNYLife is Doris Day at the Apollo

PENNY & SEAWEED & ENSEMBLEDarling, i'll be yours forever'Cause I never wanna be Without love

SEAWEEDSo darling, never set me free

PENNY & SEAWEEDI'm yours forever Never set me free


(Lights comes on in the jail again. We can see both couples a once).

LINKIf you're locked up in this prison, trace I don't know what I'll do

TRACYLink, I've got to break out So that I can get my hands on you

Page 69: Hairspray Libretto

SEAWEEDAnd girl, if I can't touch you Now I'm gonna lose control

PENNYSeaweed, you're my black white knight I've found my blue-eyed soul

SEAWEED & ENSEMBLESweet freedom is our goal

LINKTrace, I wanna kiss ya!

TRACYThen I can't wait for parole!

TRACYOh Link. I've got to get out of here. If we only had some hairspray and a Zippo lighter, we could make a blowtorch!

LINKI've got a Zippo lighter! And uh... I've got hairspray too. 

(He produces it from his jacket, embarrassed)

TRACYLink! What a special night! Your ring! And your very own blowtorch!

(He torches the door. She gets out)

LINKOh Tracy!

TRACYOh, Link!

PENNYOh, Seaweed!


PRUDYOh my God!Colored people in the house. I'll never sell it now!

ALL'Cause without love

Page 70: Hairspray Libretto

SEAWEEDLife is like a prom that won't invite us

ALLWithout love

LINKLife's getting my big break and laryngitis

ALLWithout love

PENNY Life's a '45' when you can't buy it 

ALL Without love 

TRACY Life is like my mother on a diet 

ALL Like a week that's only mondays Only ice cream never sundaes Like a circle with no center Like a door marked "do not enter!" 

Darling, I'll Be Yours Forever 'Cause 1 never wanna be... 

Without love 

PENNY & LINK Ys now you've captured me 

ENSEMBLE Without love 

SEAWEED & TRACY I surrender happily 

ENSEMBLE Without love 

PENNY Oh seaweed 

ALL Never set me free 

PENNY & SEAWEED No, no, no 

Page 71: Hairspray Libretto

TRACY & LINK No, I ain't lyin' 

PENNY & SEAWEED Never set me free 

ALL No, no, no No, I don't wanna live without 

PENNY Love, love, love 

LINK Yeah, yeah, yeah 

ALL Darling, you had best believe me, Never leave me without love! 


MOTORMOUTHIt's a mess out here.

GIRLGood night for a jailbreak.

LORRAINEMs. Motormouth, look! Now it was on channel 2! They said that Tracy Turnblad has escaped from prision. They think she was helped by Link Larkin. It_s everywhere on the news!

MOTORMOUTHLord have pity! It_s a crazy city! Who_s at the backdoor?

(Seaweed enters with Penny)

MOTORMOUTHMy baby! And... Penny, is it?

PENNYYes maam.

LITTLE INEZSeaweed's got a girlfriend!

SEAWEEDIs it ok I brought her home? I had to get her away from her looney mama.

Page 72: Hairspray Libretto

MOTORMOUTHI never mind love, it_s a gift from above. But be careful, cause there's a lot of ugly coming at you...

PENNYIt's okay. My mother's gonna kill me anyway.

LORRAINENo, she won_t. She_ll kill him.

(There's a knock at the door)

LINKHey, Miz Motormouth. We broke Tracy out of jail.

ALLYeah, we heard! It's on TV.

TRACYThe jailbreak was easy compared to getting a cab to this side of town.

MOTORMOUTHWell, we gotta get busy. Only 24 hours till Miss Hairspray, and it_s gonna be on National TV. We may never get another chance like this. And this time we'll start by getting Corny and the gurds at the studio to help us.

PENNYMaybe your dad could help too. Sometimes he has ideas.

TRACYNo... I've got to turn myself in...


TRACYI can_t put any of you in any more danger. My daddy could lose his shop, Link, you could go to prision, and Penny... your mother will kill you!

LORRAINENo, she will kill him!

DUANEI hear you. Besides we already tried it and it didn_t work.

TRACYAnyway, this time it won_t be like yesterday. Mrs Von Tussle said there_ll be armed guards at the Studio.

Page 73: Hairspray Libretto

PENNYWith arms.

TRACYSomeone could get shot

STOOIEAnd for what? Just so we can dance on some silly show?

MOTORMOUTHHold it! Nobody said this was gonna be easy! If something's worth having, it's worth fighting for. Tracy why did you start all this in the first place?

TRACYI just think it's stupid we can't all dance together.

MOTORMOUTHSo you tried once and you failed. We can_t get lazy when things get crazy!


MOTORMOUTH There's a light In the darkness Though the night Is black as my skin There's a light Burning bright Showing me the way But I know where i've been 

There's a cry In the distance It's a voice That comes from deep within There's a cry Asking why I pray the answer's up ahead 'Cause I know where i've been 

There's a road We've been travelin' Lost so many on the way But the riches Will be plenty Worth the price we Had to pay 

Page 74: Hairspray Libretto

There's a dream In the future There's a struggle We have yet to win And there's pride In my heart 'Cause I know Where i'm going And I know where i've been 

MOTORMOUTH & ENSEMBLE There's a road We must travel There's a promise We must make 'Cause the riches Will be plenty Worth the risk And chances that we take There's a dream In the future There's a struggle 

We have yet to win Use that pride In our hearts To lift us up To tomorrow 

'Cause just to sit still Would be a sin 

ENSEMBLE I know it, I know it I know where i'm going 

MOTORMOUTH And lord knows I know.. Where i've been 

MOTORMOUTH & ENSEMBLE Oh! When we win, I'll give thanks to my god 'Cause I know where i've been 

Page 75: Hairspray Libretto


CORNY And now, live, from the certified up-to-code Baltimore Eventorium... ...for the first time ever on nationwide television... it's The Corny Collins Spectacular...


CORNY...brought to you by Ultra Clutch Hairspray!


CORNY (& ENSEMBLE) What gives a girl Power and punch? Is it charm, is it poise? No, it's hairspray! 

What gets a gal Asked out to lunch Is it brains, is it dough? No, it's hairspray! 

If you take a ride With no can at your side Then your flip will be gone With the wind 

But if you spray it and lock it, You can take off in a rocket And in outer space Each hair will be in place 

Why take a chance When you get up and dance If you twist, I insist You use hairspray 

And tell your mother Her head she should smother With "ultra-clutch" faithfully

So if you're a redhead, A blonde or brunette Just take my advice And you might just get The only thing better than hairspray

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CORNY That's me! 

ENSEMBLE Ska-doo-dle-e-ya Doo-dle-e-ya do wah 

CORNY Forget the milkman The only thing better than hairspray 

ENSEMBLE Hairspray! Wow! 

CORNY That's me! 

CORNY & ENSEMBLE What makes a man Reach out and touch? Ultra clutch! 

CORNY & ENSEMBLE So if you're a redhead, A blonde or brunette Just take my advice And you might just get 

CORNYThe only thing better than hairspray That's me!

ENSEMBLESka-doo-dle-e-ya Doo-dle-e-ya do wah

COUNCIL GIRLSHe's Corny Collins!

CORNYThe only thing better than hairspray

ENSEMBLEHairspray! Wow!

CORNYThat's me!

ENSEMBLESka-doo-dle-e-ya do wah Ska-doo-dle-e-ya do wah! Do wow!

Page 77: Hairspray Libretto

CORNY"Hey, baby, you look like you could use a stiff one!"

BRENDASka-doo-dle-e-ya-do do wah!!!!

(A man in a hat and a fake nose enters pushing a gigantic hairspray can. Velma approaches suspiciously.)

VELMAAnd we_re off for network commercial. What the hell is this?!

WILBURProduct placement. The sponsor insists.

VELMAWhat a relief. We needed a little something there. Don't I know you?

WILBURHonest Velma, I'm a total stranger.

(Velma whips off his hat and nose to reveal Wilbur)



VELMAGuards! Riot Squad! Come here...pronto!!

(Seaweed and 3 boys dressed as guards run in from the aisle)

What is this? Some kind of Trojan Horse? What_s inside?If your daughter's hiding there she'll rot in there. Guards, if anybody touches that can... open fire!

MOTORMOUTH (Dressed as a guard)Understood Maam.

WILBURYou win Von Tussle this time. You're one clever woman... I'll say that.

VELMAGet out!!

(Seaweed exits up the aisle)

And coming back to Corny on camera one in 3... 2...

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CORNYAnd now for the talent portion of the competition. The finalists present a dance of their own creation. Amber Von Tussle and Tracy Turnblad are neck to neck. Even though Tracy can_t be here, our rules say that the contestant has to dance to win. Ready Amber?

AMBERReady as a bunny in Easter. Tracy Turnblad, this song is about you...


AMBERThey came from way far out In outer space And with her help They may destroy the human race

AMBER & GUYSShe's got cooties!


AMBERThey've found a place to nest

GUYSShe's got cooties


AMBERIf I were her i'd be depressed Long tailed, sharp nailed Fuzzy legs, laying eggs

"Eww, get 'em away from me, get 'em away from me ... ewww!!"

In science class She's like a walking show-and-tell Her pet skunk ran away 'Cause it couldn't take the smell

GUYSShe's got cooties


AMBERNobody want to sit by her

Page 79: Hairspray Libretto

GUYSShe's got cooties


AMBERShe don't need a coat'Cause she's got fur! Circle, circle,

ALLDot, dot, dot

AMBERHurry, get your cootie shot!"Come on everybody, let's stamp 'em out!"

GUYSShe's got cooties


AMBERShe's just as friendly as can be

GUYSShe's got cooties


AMBERShe shows them cootie hospitality

GUYSShe's got cooties


AMBERShe's like a living "twilight zone"

GUYSShe's got cooties


Page 80: Hairspray Libretto

AMBERQuick, get rod serling on the phone!

AMBERBlack, white, red, green

AMBER & ENSEMBLEEvery color in between

AMBERDresses like a circus clown

AMBER & ENSEMBLESomebody oughta hose her down

AMBERGrew up in a cootie zoo I bet her two-ton mama's got 'em too!

"And that's for you!"Thank you ladies and gentlemen, and kids. I'm now ready to consume the title of Miss Teenage Hairspray

(Spritzer carries the crown and the bouquet).

CORNYJust to be sure, I think we_d better check the board.

(The board shows Amber is the winner bya a few votes).

SPRITZERYes, Amber Von Tussle is the winner.

AMBERWhat did I tell you? Give me the crown, give me the flowers, and everybody start bowing!

(Tracy and friends enter through the aisle).

TRACYNot so fast, Amber. Look who's coming through the front door.

CORNYRight on schedule! I mean... I know nothing about this complex plan. Ladies and gentlemen I give you the never to be counted out Tracy Turnblad!

Page 81: Hairspray Libretto


TRACYYou cant stop an avalanche As it races down the hill You can try to stop the seasons, girlBut ya know you never will And you can try to stop my dancin' feet

But I just cannot stand still 'Cause the world keeps spinning'Round and 'round And my heart's keeping time To the speed of sound I was lost til I heard the drums Then I found my way

TRACY & LINK'Cause you can't stop the beat

Ever since this old world began A woman found out if she shook itShe could shake up a man And so i'm gonna shake and shimmy it The best that I can today

'Cause you cant stop The motion of the ocean Or the sun in the sky You can wonder if you wanna But I never ask why

And if you try to hold me down I'm gonna spit in your eye and say That you cant stop the beat!

(Penny appears onstage transformed into a hot teenage tigress.)

TRACYWhat do ya' have to say, Penny?

PENNYI am now a checkerboard chick! You can't stop a river As it rushes to the sea You can try and stop the hands of timeBut ya know it just can't be And if they try to stop us, seaweed, I'll call the n - double-a - ? - p!'Cause the world keeps spinning 'Round and 'round.

Page 82: Hairspray Libretto

SEAWEED'Round and 'round

PENNYAnd my heart's keeping time To the speed of sound

SEAWEEDSpeed of sound

PENNYI was lost till I heard the drums Then I found my way

PENNY & SEAWEED'Cause you can't stop the beat

PENNY & SEAWEED, TRACY & LINKEver since we first saw the lightA man and woman liked to shake itOn a saturday night And so i'm gonna shake and shimmy it With all my might today'Cause you cant stop The motion of the ocean Or the rain from above They can try to stop the paradiseWe're dreaming of But they cannot stop the rhythm Of two hearts in love to stay 'Cause you cant stop the beat!

(The guards reveal themselves).

TRACYGet her! Amber, this is my dance, and it's dedicated to everybody!

CORNYEveryone, look... look at the scoreboard!

(It shows Tracy is the winner).


AMBERIt's wrong! It's just so wrong!

LITTLE INEZHand over that crown, honey!

AMBERYou_ll have to rip it from my cold dead hands!

Page 83: Hairspray Libretto

LITTLE INEZThat will work.

TRACYYou can keep you crown, Amber. I have my heart set on something a lot more important.

LINKWould that happen to be me?

TRACYOf course you, Link. But I also want a graduate degree in musicology with a minor in Ethnic studies, ans I also want to be the first one to say "The Corny Collins Show is now and forevermore officially integrated!

CORNYAmerica look up!Here_s history right before your eyes. Television will never be the same.

SPRITZERThis is marvelous. The phones are going crazy. Even the governor called. He's enjoying the show so much that he granted a pardon to Tracy! You cannot buy this kind of publicity! Velma, you're a genius!

VELMAI am? Yes. I am.

SPRITZERI'm about to launch a new line of products and I want this woman to head the campaign!

VELMA (curiously)I just don't know what to say...

SPRITZERIt comes with offices, a company car, and a huge salary!

VELMA (hopefuly)I just don't know what to say...

SPRITZERVelma... you're the newly appointed Vice President of Ultra Clutch, beauty products for women of color!

VELMA (stupified)I just don't know what to say...

SPRITZERAnd now America would like to hear you kids sing our new theme song. I think I can get you a recording contract!

Page 84: Hairspray Libretto

LINKMy big break!

(Prudy appears)

PRUDYGive me back my daughter! I know you_ve got her. I saw her on TV.Penny, I cn hardly recognize you...

PENNYI'm a pretty girl, Mama.

PRUDYAnd you look so happy. I can't say it's what I want... but if this black boy is responsible for the light in your eyes, then how could I object?

(They embrace).

CORNYLive Television! There's nothing like it...

LINKThis may not be the right moment since we're on national Tv and all, but Tracy... if I don't kiss you now I'm gonna die!

(They kiss).

WILBURThat's my girl!

VELMABefore I get completely sick... could you tell me what is in this can?

WILBURMy masterpiece.

(The huge can explodes and reveals Edna)

EDNASo... what did I miss? I_ve been stuck in that can since lunch... I wouldn't ruh in there after me if I were you...

TRACYMama! We did it! We're on National TV!

EDNANational Television? America, I made this myself!

Page 85: Hairspray Libretto


EDNAYou cant stop my happiness 'Cause I like the way I am And you just can't stop my knife and fork When I see a christmas ham 

PRUDYSo if you don't like the way I look Well, I just don't give a damn!

EDNA , PRUDY & ENSEMBLE'Cause the world keeps spinning'Round and 'round And my heart's keeping time To the speed of sound I was lost til I heard the drums Then I found my way

EDNA & WILBUR & COMPANY'Cause you cant stop the beat

Ever since this old world began A woman found out if she shook itShe could shake up a man And so i'm gonna shake and shimmy it The best that I can today

'Cause you cant stopThe motion of the oceanOr the sun in the skyYou can wonder if you wannaBut I never ask whyAnd if you try to hold me down I'm gonna spit in your eye and say That you cant stop the beat!

EDNAWilbur, be a dear and get me my oxygen... NOW!

(Motormouth steps forward and removes her helmet)

MOTORMOUTH (to Velma) 

Step aside, Miss Buttercup... it's time to wrap this mutha' up! 

Oh, oh, oh, You can't stop today

Page 86: Hairspray Libretto


MOTORMOUTHAs it comes speeding down the track

ENSEMBLEO?? ??? ???, child, yes

MOTORMOUTHChild, yesterday is hist'ry


MOTORMOUTHAnd it's never coming back

ENSEMBLELook ahead

MOTORMOUTH & ENSEMBLE'Cause tomorrow is a brand new day

MOTORMOUTHAnd it don't know white from black


MOTORMOUTH & ENSEMBLE 'Cause the world keeps spinning'Round and 'round And my heart's keeping time To the speed of sound I was lost til I heard the drums Then I found my way 'Cause you cant stop the beat

ALLEver since we first saw the light A man and woman liked to shake itOn a saturday night And so i'm gonna shake and shimmy it With all my might today'Cause you can't stop The motion of the ocean Or the rain from above They can try to stop ths paradiseWe're dreaming of But you cannot stop the rhythmOf two hearts in love to stay You can't stop the beat!

Page 87: Hairspray Libretto

Aah, aah, aah Aah, aah, aah Aah, aah, aah

Come on, you von tussles Go on, shake your fanny muscles

VELMA & AMBERWe can't!

ALLYes, you can!

VELMA & AMBER No, we can't!

ALLYes, you can!

VEIMA & AMBER Yes, we can...!!!

ALLYou can't stop the beat

VELMA & AMBEREver since we first saw the sun It seems von tussle girls are alwaysTryin' to please someone But now we're gonna shake and shimmy it And have some fun Today!

ALL'Cause you can't stop The motion of the ocean Or the rain from above They can try to stop the paradiseWe're dreaming of But you cannot stop the rhythmOf two hearts in love to stay 'Cause you can't stop the beat!You can't stop the beat!! You can't stop the beat!!!