Guide Unit 5

A Father’s Conversation

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“Never confuse motion with action” ~Benjamin Franklin

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FATHERS IN MOTION

“Never confuse motion with action” ~Benjamin Franklin

www.FathersInMotion.com Copyright © Fathers In Motion, California USA

The art of conversation between a Father and Son is really a lost art.

He wants to hear your stories, your trials and tribulations and all the little things that make YOU who you are. There is an age factor, later than most Dads’ realize, when your son loves listening to you talk to others about how you and his mother met, how nervous you were and about……well, everything about your journey.

The purpose of this module is to guide and prompt you in sharing your journey. This will lead him to appreciate the time you spend with him and offer a deeper sense of how you came to be where you are today. Upon this simple trust, he will start sharing his story or journey, as happens when trusted conversations evolve over time.

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CONVERSATION

There are many different types of conversation. Most are about today’s issues, few about wisdom, and fewer still are just ordinary reminiscing and sharing. No real outcome will be produced by the last type, other than time well spent and a deeper sense of being connected.

The art of conversation has changed over the years. There is a time in a boy’s life from when he is very young until his mid to late teens, when he wants to (really wants to!) hear his Dad’s stories.

The best way to describe this is reminiscing and sharing. There is no outcome or objective. You are not trying to teach him lessons. You are simply passing on your story and allowing him to understand in a deeper sense that you didn’t just arrive one day as a father but it was a journey for you as it his for him. By simply taking the time and getting out of your busy mindset and conversing with him, his level of understanding and appreciation for you and your journey will broaden with deeper meaning over time.

The best time is “whenever” providing there are no distractions. In the car, turn off the radio. On the patio, turn off games and electronic devices. This is not formal and he should not feel ‘processed’ but should be natural. It may feel a little awkward at first but over time it will become second nature.

The “I” is you. The Dad. Your story.

So what do I talk about?

“Sometimes the poorest man leaves his children the richest inheritance.”

~Ruth E. Renkel

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The content is not as important as the time invested in sharing your story with him. Make it light, make it funny. But allow him some time, and you will see he will spontaneously start sharing his stories with you. It is important not to push this, but let it unfold naturally and give him the space he needs.

The two questions we generally hear are:

How do I start the conversation? Anyway that you are comfortable!

Starting with ”I was just remembering……” tends to work well.

What do I talk about? To prompt your thoughts of your journey, we include questions to jog your memory or assist in surfacing your memories. Don’t be afraid if you have told some of these stories before, The value is in sharing, so allow these to bubble up in your mind. Enjoy the process and understand this is only the beginning of many conversations to come. We loosely categorize these under five areas, with “I” being you, the Dad, and it’s your story to tell.

• Before I was born……• When I was growing up…..• A young man, meeting your Mom…..• When you were born and growing up…..• Things that are important to me…..

Questions

Go back to when you were your Son’s age.How did you feel when your Dad told you his stories?

Which stories do you remember? Would you have wanted your Dad to spend more time with you as a boy doing this?

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“Small boys become big men through the influence of big men who care about small boys.”

~Anonymous

“There's something like a line of gold thread running through a man's words when he talks to his Son, and gradually over the years it gets to be long enough for you to pick up in your hands and weave into a cloth that feels like love itself.” ~John Brown

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Before I was born…..

Well, I was remembering…..

• Family stories and stories of ancestors told to me by my Dad and family• Our original country of origin, tracing family history and stories• Heirlooms and items that I have from my Dad, Grandpa and before them• Recipes, family traditions, core beliefs, small ties or celebrations that bind• My name, who I was named after, who came up with my name, what it means and where it

comes from • Quirks or physical attributes or habits from my side, or Mom’s side of the family• How did Grandpa & Grandma grow up, what was their life like, what were their parents like• How your Grandparents met, when did they marry and what I was told the wedding was like,

amusing stories around the wedding or courting• What my Dad told me, about his Dad, your Grandfather…..• What jobs my Dad tried before he eventually settled on being a …..• How my Dad got along with his brothers and sisters• Where my Dad lived and the type of house he lived in• This is how my Dad described his life, both the kind of life he lived and how he wanted to live,

what was he known for• What was my Dad’s favorite sport, the dreams he had for himself and his children, how did he

sacrifice• What sort of man was my Grandpa, what did my Dad admire about him and what were his

weaknesses, what did my Dad share about my Grandpa• What sort of lady was my Grandma, why was she special and what my Dad remembers about her

cooking and growing up in her home• Memories of my Grandparents, outings, family celebrations, what I learned from him and what I

recall, what he did for pleasure, how did he treat Grandma, was he happy in his older years, what were his greatest achievements

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When I was growing up…..


• The very first memory I can recall• Which schools I attended and memories of those schools• Nicknames I had• Was I teased and what that taught me• Bedtime rituals and how my parents put me to sleep• Fights that I got into, with whom, how they went and why, what did I learn• What trouble/fun did we get into• There was this one guy who always irritated me….• Who were my friends at school, what are my memories of them, I was known as….• What were the chores I did not like growing up• What are the fondest recollections of my teenage years• What is my biggest regret, my top achievements in my teenage years• My family pet’s name was….• I always thought we were wealthy/average/poor relative to my friends due to…• I landed in hospital when I….• Being mischevious, driving without a license, first cigarette, drinking alcohol• I was excellent and won awards for….• My favorite activity, club or sport was…. and this is how I trained….and there was this one game

I recall….• I remember being fearful of….• Talking in front of the class….• Being sent to the Principal’s office….• School excursions….Prom night….a ditching school memory….favorite school hangout place • I was confident / shy …. type of person at school, this was due to …. and this impacted me in

my school years in the following ways….I was known as…• Did anyone pass away while I was growing up who was close or in the family, how did I feel, what

was the funeral like, what the event meant to me• I loved or disliked school because of….and if I had to do it again, I would do …. differently• Favorite TV, movie shows, music and famous bands of the day

“The most important thing that a father can do for his children, is to love their mother.”

~Theodore M. Hesburgh

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• What were my fears at the time, how do I see them now. What this has taught me about dealing with my fears today

• What I lived for• What made me really, really laugh• Who would I most like to see at a school reunion and how do I think they turned out• Subjects I excelled at and those I did poorly in ….• How I dressed, my shoes and my hairstyle – what was in fashion, I have pictures I want to show

you….• How life has changed in terms of way we spoke to parents, teachers and what we were taught at

school• Going to Church and how I felt about it• Family vacations I took as a kid• What were my predominant thoughts and drives at the time• The technology we used compared to today• What my dreams of what I wanted to be when I grew up

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A young man, meeting your Mom…..


• When I was first attracted to girls• My first date, I was scared and how I asked her out, my first kiss and being so over the moon….• I had a few girlfriends, this one in particular….• What I thought I had to do or achieve to attract girls• An embarrassing thing I did while trying to court her• I learnt about the birds and the bees from….what I have grown to know since then….losing my

virginity….gift of lovemaking is a special gift….love is when you stop keeping score….that knot in your stomach….what I learned about the importance of being safe and responsible….of channeling sexual energy

• How I felt about dating at the time• My first car was a …. and it cost….and what I loved about it was….• The day I first met Mom….• My first date with Mom….• Why I chose Mom…..and why I think she chose me….I think this is where I lived up to her

expectations and this is where I still need to improve after all these years….• Meeting Mom’s parents for the first time• I would describe our relationship before we got engaged as ….reflecting back, I could of

done….better, to make her feel special• Proposing to your mother, asking her father, choosing and buying an engagement ring, how I

proposed and her reaction, how I felt….if I had to do it over again, what I would improve would be….

• Getting married was awesome, the day started….bachelor party stories, what the church and your Mother looked like on her wedding day, wedding day speeches, how I felt and we should see the pictures, watch the video, we went to…. for our honeymoon and I can picture your Mother clearly on that day

• How I got my first job, what I was paid, what it was like• University or college days….• How I chose my career• In my early career, top achievements and biggest screw ups

"The sum of a man's problems, come from his inability to be alone in a silent room.“

~Pascale

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When you were born and growing up…..


• Your name, who you were named after, who came up with your name, what it means and where it comes from

• How Mom told me she was pregnant with you and how I felt• Early arguments Mom and I coped with as is usual with the start of a new family• Describe how we, Mom & I, felt about each other in the early days of starting our family and

crazy fun times we had• Our first home….it cost….my memories of that house• Our close friends at the time and what we did every summer or winter• Your birth, journey to the hospital, events surrounding that day• We expected a girl / boy and these were the names we were considering• Your first room, what it looked like and what we did to make it special• Your first words, first toy• Bedtime rituals and how we put you to bed• What Mom always cooked….my and your favorite meal, restaurant, dinner table habits, rituals

and sayings• Why I smoked or which beer I drank….or chose never to smoke or drink ….. what I learnt

watching friends and others……….one night I got really drunk• Family celebrations, holidays, romantic getaways and vacations we had as a family growing up• From my perspective, our family was special and different because of….• My best memory of this time• My worst memory of this time• What I learned about managing fear and worry growing up and supporting our family• The key lesson I learned, the hard way, about managing money was….• Our pets• Rushing you to the doctor or hospital….• If I had describe in a single positive word or sentence, our family….about you…. about your

Mother

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• Your best attribute or strengths that I saw in you as you grew• My best attribute or strength that I saw in myself over those years• My role model at the time• What I remember about sports…..what I did….what you did….sporting events we went to

together

“The work can wait while you show the child the rainbow, but the rainbow won’t wait while you do the work.”

~ Patricia Clafford

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Things that are important to me…..


• You made me so proud when you….• What I expected of myself growing up and how it has turned out• If I could do it all over again, what I would keep exactly the same• If I could do it all over again, what would I do differently or wish turned out differently, why was

that…• If I would want you to keep or hand down one idea, tradition or story to your children, it would

be…• If I would want you to keep or hand down one thing to your children, it would be…• How my sense of wisdom or helping others, has changed over the years• How I feel about us (me, Mom, you, Grandparents) aging and how I see myself as the type of

Grandparent I want to be• My life motto is• My favorite author is• My favorite quotation is • My take on the impact of attitude on my life has been….• How setbacks in hindsight proved to be opportunities for growth• About friends and trusting people• About having a life of balance, what are the principles of living a full life• My deepest desire is for you to know that I love you as you are, and see you becoming….• I would want to be known for….• My best trait as a father….• Your best trait as my son….• How I would like to see you when you become a father and see you playing with your sons• What is the one thing I truly hoped to have taught you and hope you will pass on to your sons

Documents

Guide Unit 5