Confident Conversations — Preparing Managers for Difficult Conversations - Accelerator Page 2 of 4 Tips for Creating Respectful Conversations © 2016-2019 1st Call Consulting P/L T/A Cohesive Conversations

Guide to creating respectful conversations

Note: The information here is not advice!

Every situation is unique and must be viewed and handled based on the circumstance of the situation, your company’s policies and the applicable legislation and laws.

You should use the following as a guide only and make sure you seek professional advice

The following guide is from Confident Conversations ® Preparing Managers for Difficult Conversations course.

Introduction Managers play a key role in communicating with another person that their skills and contributions are recognised and valued.

So, you need to create a positive environment. You influence the way people in your team feel about your team and the time they spend at work. How you approach them and communicate with them in normal day-to-day interactions will contribute to whether they feel valued at work.

The challenge Creating and maintaining a positive environment can be challenging for numerous reasons. Especially when the conversation is around either a difference in value or unacceptable behaviour. It's challenging not to make assumptions about the actions of others. After all we naturally look for answers. This includes whether the action was deliberate or not, and whether they are aware of the impacts of their actions. And finally, communicating future expectations respectfully and clearly can be a challenge when you or the person is stressed.

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Pre-conversation - Key Elements for success

There are some key elements you need to consider when you want to create a respectful conversation.

Manage emotions Look out for your own reactions. They could range from the discomfort of holding the difficult conversation to frustration. If the conversation is values or behaviour based, your judgement of those values or behaviours may present a challenge. Unchecked judgement or reactions will influence how you communicate. And they will more than likely be noticed by the person you’re talking to.

Anticipate possible reactions from the other person It’s human nature to be defensive. You may need to give them some time to think about the discussion and reconvene later.

Don’t make assumptions It is important not to make assumptions about the actions of others, including if the action was deliberate, or that they are aware of the impacts that their behaviours create. If you are wrong and the conversation hits a speedbump, you may end up looking like a fool and damage your reputation in the process.

Essential tips to create an outcome focused conversation

To ensure the conversation flows and stays focused you should work to:

• Maintain open, two-way communications • Have clear boundaries

o Be clear on the purpose and scope of the conversation o Push back on disrespectful behaviour

• Keep the conversation future oriented

Conversational structure

The structure of your conversation needs to step through distinct stages. This will help you to maintain a respectful conversation as the flow will feel natural and less confrontational to the other person.

If you observed the situation yourself then I recommend the following conversational structure:

Conversation stage Useful expressions

Create awareness Are you aware that you are doing…? or I observed this…

Learn, listen, acknowledge, summarise You have told me… Have I missed anything?

Discuss, explore possible reasons What else could it mean? or What do you think the needs are?”

Develop moving forward strategies How could you handle this differently in the future?

Clearly and respectfully communicate future expectations

Moving forward I want you to focus on… or Should this happen again can you please…?

Confident Conversations — Preparing Managers for Difficult Conversations - Accelerator Page 4 of 4 Tips for Creating Respectful Conversations © 2016-2019 1st Call Consulting P/L T/A Cohesive Conversations

If you were informed of the situation, replace the Create Awareness stage with the Clarifying stage like so…

Conversation stage Useful expressions

Clarification It has been brought to my attention that this occurred. Is everything OK? Can you tell me what happened?

Key style and language considerations for success

If you reflect back on the above conversational structure and the column titled “useful expressions” you will notice the language is inquisitive and consultative prior to engaging in a collaborative approach to how to move forward and ultimately tabling your expectations.

For many of us, our default style is to jump in with either “what is wrong” or stating our desired outcomes and expectations totally by-passing the inquisitive and consultative stage. This can leave others feeling as if they have not been heard.

The next consideration is de-personalising your language. Let me explain, instead of, “You’ve got this wrong.” Try ,“It appears this is wrong” or “It appears there is an issue here”. You can also try, “It appears to me we have an issue here. I am concerned about _____ and would like to _________(work with you/understand the situation from your perspective) and find a path forward.”

Considerations for starting your difficult conversation

Your opening sentence will set the tone. It can either increase or moderate the other persons anxiety levels.

Here are some opening sentences designed to moderate or reduce anxiety levels. You could try;

“I need your help with ________. Do you have a few minutes to talk?”

“I’d like to talk to you about _______, but first I’d like to understand your view-point.”

“It appears we have different needs regarding ___________. I would like to hear your thoughts about how we can move forward. What’s your proposal?”

Moving forward This guide provides a lot of tips. I recommend you pick one or two and focus on applying that tip or technique. Observe how it works for you. If it worked well, continue doing more of that technique. If it does not, reflect on what you have learnt or could do differently.

If you are keen to learn more or have a difficult conversation to prepare for, jump into my Confident Conversations Accelerator course. You could be ready in 90 minutes.

Worth pondering “I’ve learnt people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel”.

By Maya Angelou

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