Growing Up Female and

Acknowledging the Hidden

Culture of Aggression

Modified with permission from

Dr. Sharon Sevier

Hidden Culture of Female

Aggression

• Has too long been silent

• Bullying has become epidemic, distinctive,

and destructive

• Culture refuses girls access to open

conflict

• Therefore, aggression tends to be non-

physical, indirect, and covert

What Does Female Aggression

Look Like?

• Looks

• Messengers

• Voice Inflections (Tone)

• Silence

• Ignoring

• Exclusion—and making sure the victim

KNOWS she’s being excluded

• Rumors

• Gossip

• Demeaning/downgrading of another under the

guise of kidding/friendship

• Stealing friends

• Cyberbullying

• Using secrets as weapons

• Making fun of others/setting people up for

embarrassment

Who Are the “Mean Girls?”

• Often, they are very popular girls.

• May be class leaders…and not always in a

good way.

• They “fly under the radar.”

• Tend to have one very close friend, and a

good sized group of followers.

How Do They Get Away With It?

• Behaviors aren’t challenged

• Good at manipulating others

• Experts at game-playing

• Quick-witted, catch people off-guard

• Lack of reporting

Why Is There A Lack of Reporting?

• Often are well-thought of by adults

• Power in their peer group

• Doubt—reality vs. perception

• Fear of retaliation

• Desire to be accepted, to be in the

“popular” crowd

The Lifeblood of Female

Aggression: The Relationship

• Relational Aggression: Behavior

specifically intended to hurt another child’s

friendships or feelings of inclusion in a

peer group. It’s a deliberate manipulation

on the part of a child to damage another

child’s relationships.

• Females are highly relational

• Friendships form quickly

• Unable to distinguish the difference between a

true friend (trust) and an acquaintance

• This leads to the ability of one to control another

• Dependence on being included

• Many girls would rather have a poor relationship

than no relationship at all

• Again, this leads to the ability of one to control

another

• “The lifeblood of relational aggression is

relationship. As a result, most relational

aggression occurs within intimate social or

friendship networks. The closer the target

to the perpetrator, the more cutting the

loss.” (Rachel Simmons, Odd Girl Out, p.

43)

Secrets: The Ultimate Weapon

• Secrets: shared as a mark of trust and

closeness within a relationship

• Become easy and destructive weapons

• Exclusion:

– From buddy lists

– From online/text conversation

– Telling trusted secrets to others as a weapon

– “Just kidding”

So…What’s a Parent To Do?

• Home is the refuge

• Validate your daughter’s concerns

• NEVER tell her to “ignore it”

• Be a good listener

• Pay attention to your daughter’s

friendships, including her behaviors

• Insist on a variety of friends…not just one

• Invite other children over to play

• Refuse to exclude

• Monitor her words and actions

• Reflect on your own words, actions and

reactions

• Become a journalist:

– Get the facts

• Who’s doing it

• How long has it been going on

• What, exactly, is happening

• Does the teacher know

• What steps has your daughter taken to deal with

the problem

• Strategize:

– Have your daughter involved in a variety of

social circles so she is not dependent on one

specific peer group

– Consult with the school counselor

– Role play

– How does your daughter want to handle it?

– Remain calm

• Cyberbullying:

– Computer in a public place in the house

– Monitor the time spent online

– Monitor the emotions before, during, and after

computer use

– Monitor who she’s messaging, what’s being

said, sites being visited, etc.

• Encourage activities and opportunities that

will offer leadership skills

• Encourage your daughter to be her own

person: dress, activities, friends

• Monitor programs/movies and process them

together

• Encourage the use of problem-solving skills:

– Identify the problem

– Come up with possible solutions

– Weigh the pros and cons of the solutions

– Choose the solution that seems best

– Follow-through

– If that one doesn’t work, go back to the list and

choose another

Key Questions for Conversation

• “When girls want to be mean in your class, what

kinds of things do they do?

• Does the teacher see it when it’s happening?

Why or why not? How does the teacher react?

• Are some girls more secret about their

meanness? How?

• Can friends be mean to each other? How?”

(Rachel Simmons, Odd Girl Out, p. 239)

Working with the School

• Familiarize yourself with district policies/regulations about bullying behavior

• Distinguish between teasing and bullying behavior

• Talk with the school when the problem is still small, and manageable…don’t wait until it becomes a major issue

• Work with the teacher, school counselor, administrator…don’t leave key people out!

• Provide just the facts

• Neighborhood issues need to be worked out in the neighborhood

• Give the school time to work on the problem

• Parent meetings

• Support the school’s programs and efforts

to eliminate bullying behaviors

• Book Clubs

The Ultimate Goal….

• Honesty, respect, and acceptance

amongst peers.

• Odd Girl Out, Rachel Simmons

• Odd Girl Speaks Out, Rachel Simmons

• Queen Bees and Wannabes, Rosalind

Wiseman

• Queen Bee Moms and King Pin Dads,

Rosalind Wiseman

• Babler Counselor website (books, articles,

etc)

Resources