Demesne

By Adam Groff

One Act Play, Draft #4 © 2010 by Adam Groff

Characters HELMER “HELM” ROMANN, male, mid 30’s RED, male, late 70’s GERTRUDE TEETER, female, mid 30’s MABEL, female, early 30’s ROY TEETER, male, mid 30’s, Gertrude’s husband Setting The action takes place on a lawn in the afternoon. The lawn fronts a small one-story house that is not seen, but acknowledged. The house exists in a large neighborhood in an American town. The neighborhood is repetitious and dull. A Note On The Action: The action should be played out in real time, straight through, with the exception of the neighborhood committee interludes. A Note On The Neighborhood Committee Interludes: The interludes should intervene with real time, but never alter it. Demesne [di ⋅ me′en] – the possession and use of your own land; the grounds attached to a mansion or estate for the private use of the owner; land under the rule of a monarch

(The stage is dark, but silhouetted. The silhouette consists of a mountainous heap large and oddly shaped enough to beg the question “What is that?” but not so obvious as to answer the question just yet. GERTRUDE enters stage left and stops. A spotlight hits her, but nothing else. She wears sweats and quickly recites a speech in letterform.)

GERTRUDE (to audience)

Dear Mr. Helmer Romann, (She holds the “n” uncomfortably long.) The neighborhood, as a whole, has come to the conclusion that your daily behavior is unsavory at best. This notice should be considered a warning. Either change your “activities” or we will be forced to approach this situation confrontationally. This is not a hostile community, but forewarning has been provided. The neighborhood, as a whole, has teeth, Mr. Romann. (Holds the “n”.) We can only tolerate so much. As stated in the neighborhood rules and regulations contract, you must abide to a lifestyle within your means that provides a sense of ease to not only yourself, but your neighbors as well. The neighborhood, as a whole, agrees that you have negated this contract and every aspect of it. You have completely ignored all of Article 1, various sections in articles 3 through 7, all of articles 9, 10, and 12, and thanks to you, the committee needs to create an entirely new article covering public intoxication, specifically gardening under the influence. The neighborhood, as whole, specifically my husband and I, but speaking on behalf of the entire neighborhood, we are fed up. You will, if things don’t drastically change, be evicted. (Beat.) Okay, we don’t actually have the power to evict anyone, but… uh… lawyers. We will hire lawyers. My husband and I will hire the best lawyers in town. (Beat.) Okay, we probably won’t hire any lawyers, but we, the neighborhood and my husband, will make things very inconvenient for you. This can’t go on forever, Mr. Romann. You’re not the only one in this… you can’t just… Article 1 states… I’m sending Roy over! I’m sending Roy over to punch your nose! He’s been lifting free weights after work! And jogging! On the treadmill! Do you hear me? Free weights! Your escapades are drawing to an end, Mr. Romann (Holds the “n”.) Clean up your act! That includes the heap! What is that anyways – an outlet for self-expression or something? You are being ridiculous! Roy has a nasty right hook! Yours truly, Gertrude Teeter Chairwoman of The Neighborhood Committee Post Script: Roy and I know you’re still going through a lot, but you really make it difficult to be sympathetic sometimes. Life is hard. It’s a fact. And Sadie was… it’s just… we’re sorry. It has been over a year though, so… (Beat.) Enough with the bullshit, Helm!

(The spotlight goes out on GERTRUDE as the lights come up on the rest of the stage.)

2

(The heap is revealed to be a massive pile of household goods. There are chairs, a kitchen table, framed pictures, a mattress, a television, sheets, shelves, a ceiling fan, etc.) (Next to the pile, stage left, sleeps RED in a lawn chair. He is wearing trousers, a collared shirt, and no shoes. His trousers are rolled up at the ankles. Stage right, there is a column that represents the front porch.) (RED wakes up. He looks at the audience. He smiles.) (Long beat.)

RED

(speaks softly) We are marked men – (Begins looking around.) And we never know when the time will come. Our greatness fizzled out like a short wick. Like someone spit on the flame. This is not ignorance, this is not stubbornness, this – (Points to the heap.) Is neighborhood insurrection! A progression of ideals! So we are marked. The crosshairs are always focused on our spines and our throats and our hearts and in between our eyes so they go cross with anticipation. The crosshairs are burning into every major intersection on our bodies, the more veins, the more blood involved, the better. The crosshairs are concentrating on everything that makes us feel like men. The crosshairs are aimed at our testicles. (Beat.) Try not to dwell on it too long. When the time comes, when you’re tired of waiting, that’s when you’ll hear the gunshot. Then…

(RED fakes dead, tongue hanging out, eyes closed. HELM enters from stage right, which represents the house. He is wearing slacks, a dirty white undershirt, and has a butcher’s knife in one hand and a stack of yellow papers in the other. He looks upset.) (Long beat, then HELM holds the papers up to the column, and stabs them in place with the knife.) (HELM stares at the papers a moment with a certain regret.)

HELM Red, your not dead yet. Quit acting like it.

(RED opens his eyes. HELM enters the house.)

RED We’re all on our way out, Helm. In one form or the other –

HELM (offstage)

And what form is it you’re going with today?

3

(We hear loud crashing noises from in the house.)

RED Ask me that again later. (Beat.) You ever scalped a bald man?

(HELM exits the house. He is carrying a wine rack in one hand and dragging a coffee table with the other. He throws both in the heap.)

HELM (out of breath)

I’m not really sure how to answer that, Red. (Walks back in the house and continues to talk from inside.) Is that a riddle or a trick question? Is it like, how do you scalp a bald man? With Rogaine, a knife, and patience. Because if it’s a riddle, Red –

(More crashing from inside the house.) If it’s a riddle, then it’s a pretty fucking stupid riddle –

RED What if it’s a trick question then?

(HELM exits the house a moment. He has drapes over his shoulders and two bottles of wine in his hands.)

HELM (mockingly)

Well, Red, then it’s goddamn genius. (HELM enters the house again.) Where’s the corkscrew –

(More crashing.) Never mind.

RED Your little display with the kitchen knife there prompted me to ask about scalping, that’s all. Reminded me of an old Western. John Wayne, whites painted like Engines, stereotypes I suppose, only that wasn’t stereotypical of you – unless you got Indian in your blood. You Indian blooded?

(HELM exits the house with the wine bottles, the drapes, and a cheap samurai sword.)

HELM

No, Red, I’m not that interesting. Why a bald man though? I mean why does the scalped have to be bald? Either it’s a specific reason, which I doubt, or it’s just one of those questions that’s supposed to direct the question back to you.

4

RED How do you mean?

HELM Well, lets see… I could ask you if you’ve ever killed a horse with your mind. If you’ve ever ran out into the middle of a quiet glade at dusk, came face to face with a wild stallion, looked it in the eye, felt its power, its beauty, and killed it with a blink. (HELM holds a wine bottle up and raises the sword to it.) I could ask you that knowing you haven’t but assuming the senselessness of the question would redirect it towards me.

RED But I know you’ve never killed a horse with your mind.

(HELM is about to strike the cork with the sword.) That only works with champagne.

HELM Right. (HELM puts the wine down, throws the sword and drapes into the heap, and enters the house while still talking.) And you know I’ve never scalped a bald man. So we’re back to the beginning. Life continues. Reality takes hold.

RED Marty Mercer.

HELM (offstage)

Abraham Lincoln.

RED What?

(HELM exits the house with a cordless drill.)

HELM Oh, I thought we were just calling out random names… Grace Kelly, Don Quixote –

RED Marty Mercer was the bald man I scalped back in 53 –

HELM I fucking knew it! Okay, hold on. (HELM pulls a chair from the heap, sits, and begins drilling through the wine bottle corks. He looks at RED.) Curtain’s up, Red…

RED Something tells me you’re skeptical.

5

HELM That’d probably be my skepticism.

RED Listen here, Helmer. I am a saint. An upstanding, righteous, decent, law-abiding man! Everybody says so. If you look up honest in the dictionary, do you know what you’ll find?

HELM First of all, who’s everybody? Secondly, you sold my dictionary –

RED Did not –

HELM

To a woman with glaucoma –

RED I gave her a fair deal –

HELM You told her it was the bible, Red.

(HELM hands RED a bottle of wine and keeps one for himself. The two men sip from their bottles here and there.)

RED The dictionary mentions Jesus.

HELM So does the newspaper, but that doesn’t make it the bible.

RED Remains to be seen –

HELM All I’m saying is your life, from what I’ve heard, from what you’ve told me, has sounded like a…

RED An autobiographical exploration of certitude encompassed by fact. FACT –

HELM

Fabrication. I was going to go with fabrication. Fabrication or falsification.

6

RED Give me one example of something, from my past, that I’ve fabricated –

HELM Just last week you told Mabel you treated Lee Harvey Oswald to an early lunch the afternoon Kennedy was assassinated.

RED The man looked lost. It was the least I could do.

HELM So, let me get this straight, you and Mr. Oswald are sitting there, complete strangers, finishing your patty melts, drinking coffee, watching the crowds gather in the plaza, that is Dealey Plaza, Dallas, Texas, November 22, 1963 –

RED Wait! Hold on. (Beat.) Lee had a BLT.

HELM Excuse me, Red, I’ll try not to construe the facts. Shall I continue?

(RED nods.) So there the two of you are, waiting for the check, gazing wildly into one another’s eyes, thinking of the future, wondering if Lee as you call him –

RED (interrupting)

Lee Harvey –

HELM Again, excuse me. Wondering if Lee Harvey is going to finish that last piece of bacon that seemed to slip away from his sandwich on the first bite, when 12:30 rolls around and Mr. Oswald excuses himself from the table in a hurry to go assassinate the President.

RED

More or less –

HELM (interrupting)

My money’s on less –

RED

He did excuse himself from the table in a hurry, which is why I covered the check. That part is true. But, his reason behind cutting lunch short was so that he could go shoot JFK.

7

HELM And that didn’t seem suspicious to you at all? No red flags? Nothing –

RED Everyone had a camera that day. I just assumed he meant photographs. Anyways, we shook hands and Lee started off in the direction of this grassy hill area –

HELM (interrupting)

Would you call it a knoll, Red?

RED I suppose. (Beat.) So I yell to him, I say, “Hey Lee, that’s a poor vantage point. You’ll be shooting directly into the sun.” Having noticed some of the taller structures in town earlier that day, I suggested the book depository across the street. He seemed keen on the idea.

(HELM stands, places his wine bottle on the chair, and heads back into the house.)

I’m not finished, Helmer.

(HELM heads back in the house. More crashing from inside. Long beat. RED rolls his trousers up another fold.)

Marty Mercer–

HELM (offstage)

Jesus Christ, Red!

RED Leave the newspaper out of this. (RED laughs. Beat.) Marty’s –

HELM Shut up about this Marty guy! I’m not in the mood for another fucking tale right now.

(More crashing from inside the house.)

RED What snuck up your ass and lit a match?

(HELM exits the house and stops at the porch column.)

8

HELM (yelling)

Life snuck up my ass, Red! Life and this house and these papers! (HELM slaps the column.) These fucking papers snuck up my ass. So don’t tell me your stories, Red. Your tales! (Beat.) I appreciate you trying to take my mind off this whole mess, but it’s all starting to build like some great rush, like someone is squeezing just to fucking squeeze. I mean, what you’re doing is great, being here, so don’t take it like that, it’s just I’m here, I’m dealing with the shit and you’re sitting there taking me out of it. You’re taking me out of the shit, the shit I need to be in because that’s just where I need to be right now.

RED Look, Helm, go ahead and piss fire, scream like hell, howl at the moon, feel everything you can. Everything you thought you’d never feel – just as long as you make progress while you’re at it. Progress like your pile here –

HELM That’s not progress –

RED (yelling)

It’s progress, god dammit! It’s change! It’s progression, Helm. Most importantly, it’s not the fucking past.

(HELM looks away.) As for he pile here, the heap of Helmer and Sadie, well I can’t answer to it because I just don’t know. But what I can say is if making one mess helps you clean up another, then that’s not shit, Helm, that’s progression. So stab your papers, Helm. Make your pile.

(HELM looks at RED.)

HELM Progression?

(RED nods. HELM turns to the papers stuck to the column.) Remind me what day Sadie died –

RED Helm, I –

HELM (yelling)

I just want the date! There’s no pity here, Red. I just want the fucking date!

9

RED You know the date –

HELM No, Red, I don’t know the date. I know what I was feeling that day, I know I began to shake when I heard about it over the phone. I know I was alone. And I know I fell to my knees in the bathroom and vomited. I heaved and vomited and tried to get Sadie out of my system right there. And I know it didn’t work because I still feel her. But what I don’t know is the date.

RED (quietly)

It was a year last Thursday.

HELM (points to papers)

Well, she had these drawn up Monday of that same week.

(RED tries to focus his eyes on the papers.)

RED And what are those, Helm?

HELM Divorce papers, Red.

(RED is stunned. HELM turns.) How’s that for your fucking progression?

(HELM walks in the house. The crashing sounds begin from inside. RED takes a big swig of wine. The lights go out.) (GERTRUDE enters stage left pushing a stroller and stops. A spotlight hits her, but nothing else. She wears the same sweats and recites a speech in letterform, but this time she starts with the same curtness she ended with in the last letter.)

GERTRUDE (to audience)

Dear Helmer, Persistence, Helmer! Persistence gets things done in a neighborhood governed by rules and regulations. (Yells.) Rules, regulations, and covenants! Helm, stop being a prick, you hear me? (We hear a baby start crying.) Great, Helm, you woke Jr. (GERTRUDE looks down, bends over, and rocks the stroller.) Shh! It’s okay, sweetie.

10

GERTRUDE (cont.) Mommy’s sorry! (The baby quiets. GERTRUDE looks back at the audience and controls her voice this time.) Mommy’s not sorry, Helm! Mommy seems to be affected by assholes! Now unfortunately, I can’t speak on behalf of the neighborhood, as a whole, anymore. They’ve seemed to stop joining me in the weekly meetings. Come to think of it, Roy even asked me to stop mentioning his name in public. Especially when threatening people. I think he’s quit the free weights. (Beat. The baby starts crying again. GERTRUDE begins breast-feeding him.) So, I am acting as an independent body now. Stop treating this neighborhood like it’s one big shithouse. It’s not the nicest community in town, but it has potential. It’s progressing in the right direction. Progression, Helm –

(GERTRUDE is interrupted.)

HELM (yells from inside the house)

Screw you, Gertrude! I hear that word one more time I’m going to burn my house down and hope the flames find their way to yours!

GERTRUDE (annoyed)

Right, well… I am willing to work with you on many of your… indiscretions. I realize people deal with loss in different OUCH, SHIT! (Eases the baby away.) It’s like he already has a full set of teeth this one! (She places the baby back in the stroller.) Look, Helm, I don’t know what you’re going through, but dragging everything out of the house is not the way to deal with it. I mean I do understand you throwing that rug out. Sadie just didn’t get it. That rug DID NOT go with the room. Persian? Contradicted it completely! I dropped the lasagna you made on purpose, but you two kept that hideous thing stain and all! Well, look who’s right in the end! (Beat.) Just pull it together, Helm. Lost is nowhere to be! Sincerely, Gertrude Teeter Chairwoman of… Fuck it! You know who I am! Post Script: I hear Mabel is single again. Just saying… it has been over a year. It’s something to think about, that’s all. Post Post Script: Stop feeding Roy’s father alcohol. He’s on specific medication for his prostate. He comes home, doesn’t know where he is, and pisses the couch. And I’m not talking a little bit. It’s like a monsoon hit the goddamn cushions. It’s our anniversary tonight and I don’t want Red’s waterworks ruining it for Roy and I, got it? (Beat.) If I catch Red drinking anymore pinot on your front lawn, I’m taking him home. We, Roy and I, but mostly me, we are already overwhelmed with him living with us. I don’t mean overwhelmed in a bad way, it’s just the retirement home is so expensive, too expensive, and Roy loves his father, Roy and I both love Red, equally, but sometimes it just feels like I’m the only one showing it.

11

(The spotlight goes out on GERTRUDE as the lights come up on the rest of the stage.) (RED takes another swig of wine, finishes the bottle, and throws it in the heap. He looks around and rolls his trousers up another fold.)

RED (speaks softly)

Women. They can’t seem to make us feel good for too long without finding it necessary to make us feel bad. And sometimes we deserve the bad, sometimes we don’t. But the good just doesn’t seem as good without it. (Beat.) My wife was a large woman. She could cook, she could eat, and she could love. We’d send Roy out to play past dinner just so the two of us could roll around in the sheets a little longer. My wife used to look in the mirror, examine her figure after we’d make love, and pull all her beautiful skin taut. I’d watch her, see the disgust in her eyes. The shame. I used to tell my wife it was her heart that made her the way she was. “Your heart’s too big for a small body,” I used to say. My gunshot came when she died of breast cancer. That was over ten years ago. Ten years. She was a beautiful woman. (Long beat.) The thing about Kennedy was he died with his wife at his side… in her arms. The good with the bad –

(We hear a loud crashing sound from inside the house. After a moment, HELM exits with two fresh bottles of wine. He hands one to RED and keeps one for himself. He heads back to the house, stops, notices the rug in the heap, grabs it, and drags it back in the house. RED goes to drill out the cork, but the drill doesn’t work. He gives up.)

RED

Gertrude wouldn’t have anything to do with that rug, would she? (The rug flies out of the house and back into the pile. Beat.)

MABEL

(yells offstage) Is that Big Red?

(RED turns stage left.)

RED Mabel, Mabel, single and able!

(MABEL enters stage left. She is wearing gym shorts, running shoes, a t-shirt, and is extremely thin and sweating. She has a shoebox tied shut with a ribbon under her right arm.)

MABEL Fuck you, Red! You already found out?

12

RED Gertrude can’t open her mouth without running it for an hour. What’s in the shoebox there, kid?

MABEL My ex’s penis –

(MABEL paces around, peering at the house here and there.)

RED You know, I bought a pair of penny loafers once that came in a shoebox like that. Bought them from John D. Rockefeller in New York City during the Depression. He gave me a pretty good deal too. I paid him five cents, seeing as how my finances were sound, and he gave me the shoes. Right there on the spot. When I went to try them on, I discovered he had left a penny in each tongue, so I really only paid three cents. I walked around the Big Apple in those shoes, dodging falling businessmen, telling everyone if you buy loafers from Rockefeller, he’ll throw in his two cents. I suppose everyone thought I meant advice, and seeing as how no one was looking for advice at that particular time, financial or otherwise, well, that poor Rockefeller lost all his business and ended up jumping off the Empire State alongside another businessman. They struck a deal halfway down over wholesale parachute canvas. Said if they survived the impact, they’d sell it bulk and split the profit. They even shook hands as they passed the fifth story and everything.

(MABEL is amazed.)

MABEL So what happened?

HELM Mabel! (HELM yells from inside the house.) Don’t listen to him.

(Both MABEL and RED turn to the house and respond simultaneously.) MABEL RED Hey, Helmer. Pile looks great. Fuck off, Helmer. You prick!

HELM (yelling from inside)

Afternoon, Mabel… Red, you’re full of shit!

RED I thought we already established that! Don’t you have more noise to make?

(We hear loud crashing from inside the house again.)

13

RED (cont.) Anyways, Rockefeller and the businessman died. Flat as, well, I’d say pancakes, but the image I’m seeing just doesn’t connote flapjacks.

MABEL Red, that’s… wait, how old are you?

RED 72 years young –

(MABEL starts doing math on her fingers.)

MABEL So you were born in 1938?

RED I wasn’t born in 1938, I punched and kicked my way out of the womb in 1938. My mother was a very lethargic woman. She barely spread her damn legs during my birth. My father had to coerce her into dilating by –

MABEL (interrupting)

Rockefeller died in 1937. John D. Rockefeller died in 1937 and, on top of that, you were a newborn at the tail end of the Great Depression.

RED (annoyed, speaks quickly)

John Dudley Rockefeller, not Rockefeller the American industrialist! John Dudley Rockefeller was a local cobbler. John Dudley Rockefeller made shoes from sweat and he smelt like fresh peppermint. Used to call him the Peppermint Man. And I never said the Great Depression either, I said the Depression. It was a period of time in New York City, roughly 1962 to 64, where everyone became clinically depressed and suicidal. Coincidentally, art in the city was booming around that same time. Something about artists being depressed that really brings out the best in their work. Art intimidating life I always say –

MABEL (interrupting)

I believe the saying is art imitating life, Red.

RED Not the art I’m thinking of. Look, why do you kids know so much about history anyways? (RED yells toward the house.) Helm, when did Rockefeller die?

(The noise from inside the house stops long enough for HELM to answer.)

14

HELM 1937!

RED What the fuck is with you two? How do you remember all this shit? Didn’t you experiment with drugs while you were in school?

(Both MABEL and HELM answer simultaneously, HELM from inside the house.)

MABEL HELM Yep! Definitely!

RED Well you should have gotten into some harder shit then! (Beat.) Look, the moral of my story was that if it had in fact been a penis in the shoebox, John DUDLEY Rockefeller might still be alive today.

MABEL Really doesn’t make any sense, Red.

RED You’re the one walking around with male genitals in a damn shoebox!

MABEL Why can’t a woman walk around with a penis in a box, or duffel bag, or a basket for that matter? What’s so insane about a woman, a young woman, walking around her neighborhood in possession of penis?

(HELM walks out of the house with a headboard. He hears MABEL’s speech and stops to listen.)

If I want to jog, or go grocery shopping, or lay out in my back yard with a dick in my pocket, a penis on my person, then I’m going to do it.

(HELM slowly reverses back inside.) No, Helm, I think you need to hear this too.

(HELM reluctantly walks back out and throws the headboard in the pile. RED and HELM share a look.)

If a man walks around, say, a busy metropolitan area with a carton of fresh vaginas, with a vagina necklace around his neck, people wouldn’t think twice. In fact, he’d probably be praised for the fashion statement. But, a woman in a small town, in a small neighborhood, walking around with a penis in a discreet little box is blasphemy. Why is that?

15

RED I knew an Aborigine man once that wore a vagina necklace made from former wives –

MABEL Red, shut up!

(RED shuts up. MABEL turns to HELM.) Why is that, Helm?

HELM That’s not actually a penis in there, right?

MABEL Why does it matter, Helm?

HELM Because if it is, then I’m going to be very careful with my answer –

(MABEL shakes the box. There is something in it.)

MABEL Does it sound like a penis?

(Both HELM and RED listen closely. MABEL stops shaking the box.)

HELM Well, Mabel, seeing as how I’ve never heard a penis jingle-and-a-jangle in a shoebox before, what with no past experiences in the matter, I’d have to say no, it does not sound like a penis.

RED Maybe it’s suffering from erectile dysfunction?

MABEL (serious)

Red!

(RED shuts up again.) Is that your final answer, Helm?

HELM I feel threatened, Mabel. My masculinity feels threatened –

(Beat. MABEL starts laughing.)

16

MABEL I’m fucking with you two! Come on. You really think I’m like that? If vagina necklaces were for sale, I’d be the first to buy one.

RED So there isn’t a penis in the shoebox?

(MABEL places the shoebox next to the column,)

MABEL No, just something my ex left behind when he moved out.

HELM But it’s not his penis, for sure?

MABEL

You’ll just have to find out for…

(MABEL discovers the divorce papers hanging up on the column.) Oh… Oh god. I mean, holy shit! Helm, these aren’t.

(HELM looks down.) Red, these aren’t, I mean how could she, when did she –

HELM You’re really getting down to your goal weight there, aren’t you, Mabel?

MABEL (shaken)

Yeah, well, the break up is really helping with… Helm, I didn’t know you and Sadie were… when were you and Sadie –

HELM I didn’t really know either, Mabel.

(RED interrupts with a change of subject.)

RED What’s this about your goal weight?

MABEL

Yeah, right, Red, my goal weight, right… (MABEL stares at HELM a moment more, then turns to RED.) Well, it’s for my song writing.

17

(HELM takes a deep breath of relief.)

MABEL (cont.) See, I’ve wanted to write more from life experiences lately, experiences not familiar to my life. Kind of like a metaphysical approach to song substance. So over the next couple months, I’m attempting to get back down to my birth weight – through exercise and healthy diet. Then I’ll transform the experience into a song. I already have a few verses.

(RED is apprehensive.)

RED What was your birth weight?

HELM You should never ask a woman her birth weight, Red.

(MABEL is still shaken by her discovery. She keeps peering over to the column as she speaks, reading and losing her train of thought.)

MABEL

My birth weight… June 16th? Holy shit! I mean holy fucking shit. That was like two days before Sadie –

HELM Three days, Mabel. It was three days before Sadie died. Let’s just get it all out right now. Lets get the facts squared away so we know what we’re dealing with here. She had that drawn up like it was in the cards from the start… like it was some business contract… like something on a to do list… like a fucking mortgage.

MABEL You don’t know that –

HELM Mabel, flip to the last page. Skip the fine print.

(MABEL does it. She skims the last page quickly and covers her mouth.)

MABEL Fuck me, she already signed it –

RED

Doesn’t a notary need to be present for something like that?

HELM No, Red, a notary doesn’t have to be present in order for someone to make a decision or solidify a feeling or shit all over four years of marriage. (HELM takes a breath.)

18

HELM (cont.) Look, could we maybe not talk about me anymore for the next, oh, I don’t know, decade or so. Really, a change of topic, shall we?

MABEL Helm, you put it up here for a reason –

HELM Gee, Mabel, that sounds like pretty familiar territory.

MABEL You put the papers up here for a reason, Helm. Maybe you didn’t know it at the time, but you ran those papers through for a reason. You needed someone else to see them and that’s a good thing. I can’t imagine finding something like that on my own. These were never just going in the pile.

HELM That’s fine, Mabel. Thank you.

(MABEL stops talking. She’s aggravated.)

RED

It’s okay, Mabel. You can’t push the man that soon. He just found his way to this, this place he’s at now. He’s got no choice but to be stubborn. It’s the Indian in his blood –

HELM I don’t have fucking Indian in my blood –

(MABEL sits and leans back on the column.)

RED (yelling)

Well I do. And you and me, we’re the same. I know you don’t feel it like I do, but there’s something to be said about it all. Roy and I are removed. He could be in the same room as me, my own son, right behind me, and I wouldn’t feel him. You, Helm, you could be a mile away and I’d feel you. It’s a sharp feeling, in my side, like a hot spike, Helm. Why do you think I’m here?

(HELM looks down.)

MABEL This doesn’t have to happen now. It doesn’t have to happen tomorrow or next week. But every day you wait, every second, you’re going to lose a little more footing, a little more direction, and pretty soon you’re going to be walking backwards, not knowing what’s behind you. Whether it’s a hole, or a cliff, or a great big pile of shit that you stacked yourself like a wall to keep people out.

19

HELM This, this is the kind of thing I’ve been trying to avoid. This exact situation! I can’t take the pity. The pity that nobody, not even Sadie had for me before she died. It’s like she was here, and everyone was just, you know, everyone was the way I expected them to be. But Sadie dies, it’s no longer Helm and Sadie, it’s just Helm, poor Helm, and everybody changes, like a switch was flipped, and I get all this sympathy that I don’t deserve. That I don’t want or need! People I don’t even know, too. Like Bernard and Gina across the street. Never spoke a word to them since Sadie and I moved in. Not a word. Pretty sure they hated us. There was the whole thing with their cat and the rampant accusations that Sadie ran him over last summer with the riding lawn mower. Verdict’s still out on that one, but this couple, Gina and Bernard, they had it out for us, twenty four hour stink eye across the street, nobody’s safe, that kind of shit. Then Sadie dies and Bernard’s walking out to get the paper one morning or taking out the trash or something and he gives me that look, you know, that “I’m here for you but not really because I don’t know you so stay the fuck away unless you need to talk which I really hope isn’t the case” look. And then there’s Gina with her macadamia nut chocolate chunk cookies and lemon meringue explosion pie and lemon fun squares and, come to think of it, a lot of her desserts contain lemon... So lemon fetish Gina is dropping off baked goods like she’s Betty fucking Crocker and I’m thinking if I catch her in the act, I’m throwing that shit in her face. Only, I never see her do it. She tooth fairies the baked goods over here at night, pawns them off, you know, and I never see it happen, but I know it’s there, the sympathy, the pity.

(MABEL looks at RED. RED looks at HELM. HELM looks at MABEL looking at RED.)

See? There it is! Right there. The pity. You two are eye fucking me with your pity –

MABEL And what else should we do, Helm? You’re pretty pitiful. I mean, are we supposed to ignore all this, are we supposed to turn around and walk the other direction when we see you coming, are we supposed to look down at our hands, twiddle our thumbs, kick the dirt when we accidentally, for one millisecond, make eye contact with you?

HELM Yes! For shit sake, yes! Or, better yet, do what Gertrude does and chastise me. Be blind to the whole thing like Gertrude and send me letters.

(MABEL stands. Beat.)

MABEL

Well, I’m not going to do that, Helm.

RED Me neither. We’re sticking like shit.

20

MABEL Like shit, Helm. Shit.

(Long beat.)

HELM (to MABEL)

Why did you and what’s his name split?

RED Don’t be nasty, Helm. This isn’t about Mabel. If that’s your intention, then just back off it right now.

HELM It’s just a question, Red. She doesn’t have to answer –

MABEL (to RED)

No, I don’t mind. If this keeps it going, then… it’s fine. (To HELM.) His name was Tank and we broke up because he couldn’t make me cum, Helm. We dated for almost a year, he moved in, and not once did he make me orgasm. It’s sounds selfish, and it is, but not for the reasons you’re thinking. It wasn’t a sexual thing, well, of course it was sexual, but it was like we didn’t feel each other. We’d make love, and all it felt like was sex. The morning he left, the morning we had the fight and called it quits, we had sex one last time. One more chance. Nothing. He knew it and I knew it. That was the really sad thing. We both knew it. Tank showered, packed his shit, threw it in the backseat, and drove off. Just. Like. That.

(MABEL starts crying.)

HELM And what did you do? What was the first thing you did when you walked back in that empty house?

RED (to HELM, upset)

That’s enough, Helmer. Let it go. You’re not proving anything with this. Get back to your pile and leave Mabel alone. Can’t you see she’s built different?

HELM (to RED)

What does that even mean? (To MABEL.) Do you know what he’s talking about, Mabel? Are you built different?

(MABEL is shaking.)

21

MABEL I feel threatened right now, Helm. My femininity feels threatened –

RED You, Helm, you seem to be able to stack it all on your shoulders until your knees buckle. Some how, I don’t know, but somehow your knees buckle and you keep moving forward. She’s not equipped. I’m not equipped. Most of us aren’t. But you are something special, aren’t you? You’re like a goddamn machine and it’s terrifying. It’s terrifying to see, everyday, like I do, what you aren’t capable of. What you swallow.

(MABEL gets close in HELM’s face.)

MABEL (yelling)

Ask me again, Helm, and don’t you fucking back down either– (Beat. RED shakes his head.)

HELM

What was the first thing you did after Tank left?

MABEL I ran into the bathroom, grabbed his shower towel, his wet shower towel, brought it to my face, and breathed it in. I suffocated myself in his smell and I cried and I wondered if that was really my last chance. Then, and this is the really silly fucking thing about it, Helm. Right there, in the middle of my bathroom, in my empty house, I took that towel away from my face and my knees, my knees were buckling and all I could think about was you.

(HELM looks at MABEL. MABEL looks ashamed at what she just said. RED looks at the two of them.) (A very long beat.)

What was the first thing you did? After Sadie, what was the first thing you did?

RED

Why do you kids feel the need to rip each other apart like this? I don’t know how you do it! How do you do it? You don’t have to tear and rip and pull each other apart and try to get to something that’s not ready to be found, dammit!

MABEL What did you do, Helmer?

RED You two are beyond me. Just beyond everything.

22

(Long beat.)

HELM That’s the thing. You wanted to breath him in, whereas I wanted to purge myself of her. I couldn't stand her, her presence, in the sheets, in the fucking walls.

MABEL You don’t mean that–

HELM For the first few months I was still making dinner for two and I don’t know why. I was still putting two place settings down at the table, two placemats, the red ones with the wild flower print, the ones I put up a fuss about, the ones I fucking hated. All of a sudden, I love them. I can’t eat without those placemats. Then, I could smell Sadie in the sheets. So I washed them two, three, twenty fucking times, bleached them. Didn’t buy new ones, just washed the ones we had. That’s when I realized she’s everywhere. Sadie is all over the place and it makes me sick and it’s hard and it’s tiring and it makes the days go by so slowly that it feels like she’s still here, pushing me, pushing against me.

(HELM looks at the heap. MABEL and RED don’t move an inch.)

This is what it’s down to. This is all I could come up with. It started small. A few rugs, a side table… I was just going to move them to the garage while I vacuumed, but on the way, dragging these things, I was diverted, all my senses were diverted to the front yard. I dropped everything right here. And for the first time in a year, I didn’t feel Sadie pushing against me. When I got to Sadie’s desk, I yanked all the drawers out and threw them across the floor. It was the loudest the house had been since she died. I saw the divorce papers in one of the drawers. They were sandwiched between her daily planner and a fucking fashion magazine, Vogue or something. And I wanted to avoid it all together, put the drawer back in and move along. But I didn’t. I just stood there and read the cover of Vogue over and over hoping what was behind it would just disappear. Then I laughed. I think I laughed. There was a cover article. “Keep Your Guy Guessing”. (Thinks to himself.) Yeah, made me laugh. And cry. For the first time since Sadie died.

(MABEL looks at HELM.)

MABEL When did you find the papers, Helm?

HELM Last week.

RED And you waited this long?

23

HELM (quietly)

Took me two days just to pick them up, another two to read them. When I saw her signature, I realized what she already figured out before she died. (Beat.) We were on our way out. (HELM walks to the column.) At some point we just stopped listening, then understanding, then caring until all that was left were these papers. (Long beat.) I just, I don’t know if I miss her anymore or if I… ever really missed her to begin with…

MABEL

Helm –

(Before she can finish, HELM walks back in the house. After a moment, the crashing starts back up from inside. MABEL turns to RED. Long beat.)

RED Did I ever tell you about Marty Mercer?

(MABEL walks over to RED.) Marty was the bald man I scalped back in –

(MABEL leans over, kisses RED on the forehead, smiles, and turns to leave.)

He heard everything you had to say, Mabel. He just doesn’t know what to do with it right now is all. (Beat.) He’ll come around.

(MABEL stops and turns to RED. The crashing sounds continue.)

MABEL Sure doesn’t sound like it.

(Both MABEL and RED stare at the house, listening. After a moment, MABEL turns and exits. RED doesn’t notice. He continues to stare at the house. He rolls his trousers up another fold.) (Long beat. GERTRUDE enters stage left still wearing her sweats. She listens to the noise from the house with an annoyed look on her face, then notices RED.)

GERTRUDE (yelling)

RED!

(RED snaps out of it and turns to GERTRUDE.)

24

RED (surprised)

Gertrude? What do you just appear now?

GERTRUDE I see you’ve been drinking.

(GERTRUDE points to the wine bottle next to RED’s lawn chair.)

RED Don’t worry, Gertrude, I couldn’t get it open. The drill ran out.

(RED picks up the drill, tries one last time, still nothing. He throws it in the heap.)

GERTRUDE

Don’t add to that mess, Red. Come on.

(She walks over and helps RED off the lawn chair.) Roy’s going to be home for dinner tonight and you still have to piss the couch –

RED (to the house)

Helmer! Want to come over for dinner?

(No answer. More crashing. GERTRUDE pushes RED stage left.)

GERTRUDE Did I say you could invite Helmer?

(RED exits. GERTRUDE turns, looks to the heap, shakes her head, and exits.) (The crashing stops. HELM exits the house. He looks around. He notices he’s alone.) (Long beat.) (ROY TEETER enters from stage left. He’s bald and is wearing a business suit with a loosened tie and no jacket. He has a pie in one hand and a bottle of champagne in the other. A usually overconfident man, something about his appearance tells us he is shaken. An emotion ROY isn’t all too familiar with.)

25

(HELM and ROY notice one another at the same time. They lock eyes and it looks as though it’s a standoff. Their conversation is terse.)

HELM Roy.

ROY Helm.

HELM

You the tooth fairy?

(ROY looks down at the pie in his hands.)

ROY One of ‘em.

HELM That’s not necessary. Anymore.

ROY Can’t hurt.

HELM What is it?

ROY A pie.

HELM (sharply)

I meant what kind.

ROY Lemon Meringue.

HELM Gina’s recipe?

ROY Gertrude got it from her.

HELM They friends now?

26

ROY Since Sadie died.

(HELM looks to the ground, then back up at ROY.)

HELM That’s nice. Gertrude needs a friend.

ROY What does that mean?

HELM

Nothing.

ROY Gertrude’s a good woman. She deserves friends.

HELM

Of course. (Beat.) And the champagne?

ROY It’s our anniversary tonight.

HELM Oh.

(Long beat. HELM looks saddened.) I’ll take that off your hands.

ROY The champagne?

HELM The pie.

(Beat. ROY walks over to HELM and hands him the pie. ROY notices the divorce papers. He does not react or look surprised. HELM notices this.)

Why are you here, Roy?

ROY The Lemon Meringue.

HELM Could’ve delivered it at night. Like Gina.

27

ROY Well, I didn’t.

HELM Nope.

(ROY turns to the heap.)

ROY What’s in the shoebox?

(HELM looks down at the shoebox resting next to the porch column as if just now remembering it’s there.)

HELM Tank’s penis.

ROY Mabel’s boyfriend?

HELM Ex.

ROY

Didn’t realize she was into that sort of thing.

HELM Neither did Tank.

ROY You think he misses it?

HELM Would you miss yours?

ROY Everyday. You?

HELM Probably wouldn’t realize it’s gone.

(ROY chuckles.)

ROY Was my dad here today?

28

HELM All day.

ROY What do you guys talk about?

HELM Things. Things he probably never talked about with you.

(ROY is hurt by this. He walks to the heap.)

ROY I see.

HELM I have a question.

(ROY thinks a moment.)

ROY Shoot.

HELM Where did he get his name?

(ROY turns to HELM. Looks him in the eye.)

ROY Red?

HELM Yes, Red.

ROY He scalped a man in a bar fight.

HELM Was the man’s name Marty?

ROY Don’t remember. Maybe.

HELM What were they fighting about?

29

ROY My mother. They both wanted her. Red got her.

HELM I see.

(ROY turns back to the pile.)

ROY Why the pile?

HELM Progression.

(Long beat.)

ROY You think we could be friends one day?

HELM You and I?

ROY Yes.

HELM

No.

(ROY sighs. Beat.)

ROY Bye, Helm.

(ROY makes his way stage left.)

HELM Roy?

(ROY stops, turns back to HELM.)

ROY Yeah?

HELM When did you realize you loved your wife?

30

ROY The first time I saw her.

(HELM thinks. Beat.)

HELM And when did you realize you loved mine?

(Long beat. HELM is straight faced. ROY thinks.)

ROY (quietly)

I found a hair this morning. Long and red. It was Sadie’s. I began to cry, but stopped. I threw the hair away when I heard Gertrude in the kitchen. She was whipping the meringue. (Beat.) I’m sorry.

(HELM walks over to the heap.)

HELM Step foot on my property again, I’ll scalp you.

(ROY looks at HELM long enough to realize he’s serious. He turns and walks offstage. HELM takes a deep breath. Beat, then he throws the pie in the heap.)

(In the rear of the stage, spotlights reveal two scenes: a small piano stage left and a couch and writing table stage right. As HELM stares at the heap, MABEL enters rear stage left next to the piano. Just as this happens, GERTRUDE enters rear stage right with RED.) (HELM walks up to the column and looks at the divorce papers.) (MABEL takes off her shirt and her shorts.) (GERTRUDE seats RED on the couch then she sits down at the desk.) (MABEL looks at her body as if she is standing in front of a mirror. The mirror represents the wall that separates the two rear scenes. As GERTRUDE writes a letter at her desk, RED looks over to the wall. He watches MABEL.) (HELM flips to the last page of the divorce papers.) (As MABEL looks at herself in the mirror, she pulls the skin around her stomach taut. RED watches MABEL do this. He smiles. Maybe he cries. GERTRUDE continues to write.)

31

(HELM pulls a pen out of his pocket. He signs the last page.) (ROY enters stage right with the champagne bottle. He comes up behind his father. RED doesn’t notice him at all. GERTRUDE either.) (MABEL goes to sit at her piano. RED looks forward. GERTRUDE writes.) (HELM notices the shoebox at his feet that MABEL left. As he picks it up, MABEL starts playing the piano. It is a somber tune. RED closes his eyes. GERTRUDE writes.) (HELM opens the shoebox. He smiles, reaches his hand in the box, and takes out a corkscrew. MABEL keeps playing.) (ROY, realizing his presence has gone unnoticed, begins unwrapping the champagne cork.) (HELM walks over to the lawn chair, sits, and rolls his pants up at the ankles.) (MABEL keeps playing. RED falls asleep. GERTRUDE keeps writing.) (Long beat. HELM turns to the heap and stares. He rolls the corkscrew around in his hands.) (ROY aims the champagne bottle stage right and pops the cork with his thumb. It sounds like a gunshot.) (MABEL stops playing the piano abruptly at the sound of the pop. She looks scared. No one else reacts to the sound.) (Lights out.)

END OF PLAY