Grieving in extraordinary times

A death in your family or in your circle of friends is always difficult. You

may feel shocked, distressed, upset and tearful. You may find it difficult

to concentrate and to realise what has happened. At times of considerable

trauma, people tend to look for certainty. However, at the moment that

certainty is not there. This can intensify any feelings of angst or distress.

These experiences are particularly confusing and intense in the early days

and weeks of a bereavement.

We are used to the rituals that happen around death. Arranging a funeral and meeting

with family and friends has found to be helpful. We share stories and memories of the

person who died. We laugh and we cry. This helps us pay tribute to the person who died

through our mourning.

The Covid-19 pandemic has changed all this. You may not have had the opportunity to

say goodbye. At present it is not possible to come together and to gather in one place. It

is not possible to have a large funeral. It may not be possible to receive the company of

those who wish to offer their condolences. However, we can support ourselves and each

other in different ways.

For some, the shock and horror at what has happened may feel over-whelming, so it is

essential that you accept support from those around you and perhaps seek help from

your GP or local support services at this difficult time. The churches and faith groups in

Guernsey will also be able to support you.

Ways to support yourself when you are grieving

1. Even if those closet to you are not physically near, reach out to them regularly.

Calling or having conversations through WhatsApp or through Facebook, can

mean there is a regular flow of communication throughout the day. Family and

friends don’t always know what to do for the best. Be clear, ask for help or space

but keep in touch.

2. Remember to eat and to keep hydrated. Your body has needs and grief is hard

work.

3. Keeping some routine can be helpful and mealtimes play an important part in

this. So too does bedtime and getting up time. Try to stick to your normal rou-

tine as much as possible.

4. Try getting out in the garden or an open space for some exercise and fresh air if

possible. Being with nature can help your mood and gives you space to process

what’s happened and, importantly, can help stave off depression. Even something

as simple as baking a cake can lift your mood and help you find meaning and pur-

pose in your life again.

5. If you are feeling very distressed, share your feelings with someone you trust. If

feelings persist your GP is usually the first port of call for access to more specialist

services.

6. Even in times of great sorrow, sharing stories of your loved ones and happier

times with family, friends and children will help you all.

7. Try to limit how much news and social media you consume, when you are feeling

very sad, regular news can be distressing.

Remember that grieving is the natural process we all go through when we lose someone

we love. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Be gentle with yourself.

Ways to support children when they are grieving

1. If there are children in your family, check in with them often. Children experi-

ence grief and need to be included. A child can step in and out of grief, one min-

ute desperately sad and the next moment running around having fun, sometimes

called ‘puddle jumping’. Be a ‘model not a hero’, if everyone around the child tries

to hide their feelings the child will sense something is wrong but have no way to

understand what is happening.

2. Explain what has happened in small chunks using honest age appropriate lan-

guage. Avoid euphemisms like ‘passed away’ or ‘gone to heaven’. Children take

explanations literally and these can become very confusing as time passes and

their loved one does not come back. Check back with the child what they have

understood and encourage them to ask questions. Even if they repeat the same

question which is very normal.

Ways to help others who are grieving

1. To help a grieving friend, think about how you might send your condolences –

write a card, complete an online condolence, send a text or telephone them, send

them flowers if you are able. You might share photos or drop food and little gifts

at a person’s door to offer comfort.

2. Reach out, make yourself available. Not just in the short term, but in the weeks

and months to come.

3. Ask your friend how they are doing, ask what might help, listen carefully. Let

them talk about the person who has died – talking can be one of the most help-

ful things after someone dies. If you are worried that they are experiencing very

severe symptoms or flashbacks, you could suggest that they contact the Guernsey

Bereavement Service or their GP for further advice and support.

4. Offer practical help, for example with meals, shopping etc.

5. Offer to help with technology, for example with setting up video calls, WhatsApp

or other ways of keeping in touch

Useful resources

Adults

• The Guernsey Bereavement Service, email manager@gbs.org.gg or telephone 257778

• www.samaritans.org/branches/guernsey or telephone 116 123 from any phone

• Mind Guernsey including Stop Male Suicide www.guernseymind.org.gg

• www.cruse.org.uk

• www.hospicefoundation.ie/bereavement-2-2/covid19-care-and-inform/

• www.betterhelp.com/advice/grief/understanding-the-stages-of-grief/

Children

• The Sunflower Project, Youth Commission of Guernsey and Alderney email

info@youthcommission.gg or telephone 07781 433 838

• Winston’s Wish: winstonswish.org/coronavirus-funerals-alternative-goodbyes/

• Talking to bereaved children about Coronavirus - Child Bereavement UK www.

childbereavementuk.org/coronavirus-supporting-children