Rules for Making RulesChildren find comfort in rules because they know whatto expect and how to behave. Some children misbe-have simply to force you to set limits on their behavior.It’s your responsibility to set clear, age-appropriaterules for your grandchildren. The following guidelinesmay help you decide on good rules.

n Rules should be necessary. Don’t overburdenchildren with too many rules, or they won’tremember them. Pick a few simple rules that covermost behavior, and make sure the rules are impor-tant. Setting rules that behavior cannot hurtyourself, others, or property should cover most sit-uations for young children.

n Rules should be realistic. Children need to beable to follow your rules. Make sure the behaviorsyou expect are things your grandchildren can rea-sonably do. Expecting a two-year-old to sit quietlythrough a 2-hour movie is not reasonable. As chil-dren grow, rules should be adjusted to reflect theirnew levels of maturity. As children get older,involve them in deciding on family rules. Children

are much more likely to follow a rule if they helpedmake it.

n Rules should include a positive statement.Even when children want to follow the rules, theymay not know what behavior is appropriate. Tellyour grandchildren what you want them to do. Forexample, you might say, “please walk when youare inside” instead of just “don’t run.”

n Rules should have reasons. As children getolder, they may start to question your rules. Helpthem understand that rules exist to keep them safeand help them get along with others. Your reasonfor a rule shouldn’t be just, “because I said so!”Telling children why certain rules exist helps themlearn to think for themselves. Children are alsomore likely to follow rules if they understand thereasons behind them. You might explain that theyneed to be in bed by 8:00 on school nights because

How do you teach children to behave appropriately,even when you’re not around? The key is effective, consistent dis-cipline. Children are most likely to be well-adjusted when you combine warmthand love with clear rules and consistency. Children need to understand that youlove and care for them. But they also need to know that there are rules they mustfollow and consequences for breaking those rules. Effective discipline requires lotsof patience and understanding.

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getting enough sleep helps them behealthy and ready to learn.

n Rules should be enforced consis-tently. Children need to know thatthere are consequences for breakingrules. Every time a child breaks a rule,you need to calmly enforce that rule.This is especially important whengrandchildren first come to stay withyou. When children first come intoyour home, you might think you’redoing them a favor by being lenientabout misbehavior. But letting childrenbreak the rules in the beginning willjust lead to more misbehavior later.When children don’t have rules, theybelieve that no one cares about whatthey do. Enforcing the rules helps themknow you are concerned and reliable.

When Children MisbehaveYour goal is to help children becomeresponsible for their own behavior, to learn

right from wrong, and to behave appropri-ately. When children break the rules, thereare several good strategies and “tools” forhandling misbehavior. Here are some basicguidelines for disciplining children:

n Understand why children misbe-have. Some children act up to get yourattention. Others are trying to get con-trol of a situation, or are feelingstressed or tired. When a grandchildmisbehaves, pay attention to the wholesituation. What’s going on that mighthave caused the problem? Why is sheacting this way? If the child is oldenough, you might ask her to explainwhy she acted a certain way.

n Be both firm and kind. Some adultsmistakenly believe that they have to bemean when they discipline children.Children actually respond better whenyou are calm and kind. Speak calmly,but insist that they follow the rules.

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Children feel moresecure when theyknow what is

expected of them.

Make a few clearrules for children’sbehavior, and

enforce them everytime they arebroken.

n Don’t try to be too nice. Over -protecting or pitying your grandchildrendoesn’t make it any easier for them toadjust to living with you. Being toolenient only stops them from learninghow to behave appropriately. It’s goodto empathize with children’s feelings,but don’t let them get away with misbe-having just because they’re under stress.Gently teach them how to behave in thebest way possible under tough circum-stances.

n Be consistent. If you say you’re goingto do something, follow through. Ifyou’ve told your grandchildren thatthey can’t watch TV until her home-work is done, keep the televisionturned off until the homework is com-pleted. Don’t give in to whining orpleading. When you don’t followthrough, children learn that you’re notserious about the rules.

n Criticize the action, not the child.If your grandchildren break something,let them know that running in thehouse is a bad idea. Avoid telling themthat they are bad; this may only lowertheir opinion of themselves. Let themknow you still love them even whenthey misbehave. Emphasize that youexpect good behavior because you lovethem.

n Don’t give in to embarrassment.Sometimes children misbehave in pub-lic situations. A child throwing atemper tantrum in the middle of thegrocery store can be quite embarrass-ing. But don’t give in just to quiet himdown. If your grandchild is throwing afit because you won’t buy him a candybar, take him out of the store. Beproud that you made the right decisionand didn’t give in to the child for fearof public embarrassment.

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Children who have been throughfamily stressessometimes havelower self-esteem.

Avoid telling her that she’s a bad person; thismay only lower her opinion ofherself. Let herknow you still

love her even whenshe misbehaves.

n Know who owns the problem. Someproblems are your grandchildren’sresponsibility, and only they can solvethem. Teach your grandchildren thatthey are responsible for their ownbehavior. If your grandchild forgets herlunch, this is her problem. Help her learnways to remember her lunch in themorning, but don’t always go to her res-cue by bringing the lunch to school.

n Refuse to fight or give in. If yourgrandchild doesn’t get to play videogames because he didn’t do his chores,he may try to plead or argue with you.Once you have set a rule and a conse-quence, resist the temptation to give inwhen your grandchildren argue.Children will naturally test the limitsyou set. Your role is to make the rulesclear and to enforce them consistently.Don’t argue the point; simply restatethe rule and the consequence. You

might say, “When you finish cleaningyour room, you may watch television.”

Tools for Handling MisbehaviorNo matter how clearly you state the rules,children will sometimes break them. Whenyour grandchildren misbehave, try some ofthe following tools:

n Ignoring. Some misbehavior is meantto get your attention. If you ignore thebehavior, children will eventually real-ize that there are other ways to get yourattention. Temper tantrums and whin-ing are examples of behaviors that arebest handled by ignoring them. You canreinforce the message of ignoring bytelling children that you will talk tothem when they calm down or stopwhining. But don’t ignore any misbe-havior that could be dangerous!

n Redirecting. When children are mis-behaving, you can sometimes redirecttheir behavior to a more appropriateactivity. If children are climbing onchairs and tables, take them outside toclimb on the monkey bars. If a child isabout to take a toy away from a sibling,give the child a different toy. Simpleredirecting heads off many problemswith very little stress.

n Giving choices. Sometimes childrenmisbehave because they want to be incontrol. Help children feel some con-trol by letting them make choices. Avery young child can choose whichshirt he wants to wear. Older childrencan make more complex choices. Besure to limit the options to just a few.

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Temper tantrumsand whining areexamples of

behaviors that arebest handled byignoring them.

Having too many choices can over-whelm children. Be sure all choices areequally acceptable to you. If it’s bed-time, don’t offer children a choice ofwhether or not to go to bed. Instead, letthem decide whether to brush theirteeth first or read a story first.

n Using “cool-down” time. When chil-dren become angry or frustrated, theymay not be able to solve the problemright away. If children are upset, teachthem how to take time to calm downbefore they handle the problem. Treatthis as a time to collect themselves, nota punishment for misbehaving.Encourage them to find a quiet spot.Have them take a few deep breaths.Give them a quiet activity to work onfor a few minutes. When they arecalmer, help them find a positive wayto solve the problem.

n Using consequences. Consequencesare what happen to children as a directresult of breaking a rule. To be effec-tive, consequences need to beimmediate and clearly related to themisbehavior. Some consequences hap-pen without your help. When childrenleave the caps off the magic markers,the markers will dry out. Other conse-quences have to be enforced by adults.If a child writes on the walls, sheshould be expected to clean them. If achild throws a toy, she might not beallowed to play with that toy any more.Remember that you need to use conse-quences right after children misbehave.Punishing children weeks later isn’teffective because they don’t connectthe punishment with the behavior.

Keep in mind that every child is unique.Tools and strategies that work for onechild may not be effective with anotherchild. Different tools may work better indifferent situations. Pay attention to yourgrandchildren’s personalities, and choosediscipline strategies that work well forthem. It’s often a process of trial and error!

Teaching Appropriate BehaviorDiscipline is not just about stopping yourgrandchildren from misbehaving. To beeffective, discipline needs to teach childrenthe right ways to behave. Here are a fewways that you can help children learnappropriate behavior.

n Send clear messages. Some chil-dren’s misbehavior is funny. Butlaughing when a child misbehaves maygive him the attention he is seeking, andmay encourage him to misbehave againlater. When a child says something thatis rude but funny, make it obvious that,

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Children willnaturally test thelimits you set. Yourrole is to make therules clear and toenforce themconsistently.

no matter how funny the behavior mayseem, it is not appropriate. Avoid telling“cute” stories of children’s misbehaviorwhen they are listening; this may alsoencourage the misbehavior.

n Give positive instructions. When -ever possible, tell your grandchildrenwhat they can do instead of what theycan’t do. When children ask to dosomething fun but have not finishedthe chores, you might tell them, “Yes,as soon as you’ve cleaned up yourroom,” instead of “Not until you...”Emphasize the rule “Walk when you’rein the house” instead of “Don’t run inthe house.” Stating instructions posi-tively helps children learn how they aresupposed to behave.

n Use “I-messages.” When confrontingchildren about misbehavior, tell themhow you feel. You might say, “I feelunsafe and scared when the door isunlocked because I’m afraid someonemight steal our things. Please lock thedoor when you come inside.” Whenyou use an I-message, you may helpdefuse the situation by taking the

emphasis off the misbehavior. Using I-messages also helps children connecttheir actions with your feelings, whichhelps them empathize with others.

n Catch children being good. Whenyour grandchildren do things you’reproud of or behave appropriately, com-pliment them. Make an effort to tellchildren why you are pleased with theirbehavior. Be specific about what theyhave done to please you. Emphasizethe behavior, not the child. Saying“Thank you for cleaning up your roomwithout being asked” is more effectivethan saying “You’re such a good girl!”

In SummaryDisciplining your grandchildren is an ongo-ing process. Setting and enforcing a fewclear rules helps them learn how to behaveappropriately. Giving clear positive mes-sages and complimenting good behaviorteaches them how to manage their ownbehavior both at home and when you’renot around.

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Giving clearpositive messagesand complimentinggood behaviorteaches them howto manage theirown behavior bothat home and whenyou’re not around.

ReferencesBrandon, D., Cummings, C. E., & Frazier, R. (2002). Child guidance techniques. (Extension

publication PB1161). Knoxville, TN: University of Tennessee Cooperative Extension.Retrieved December 15, 2008, from http://www.utextension.utk.edu/publications/pbfiles/PB1161.pdf.

DeBord, K. (2007). Appropriate limits for young children: A guide for discipline. (Extensionpublication FCS-455). Raleigh, NC: North Carolina Cooperative Extension Service.Retrieved December 15, 2008, from http://www.ces.ncsu.edu/depts/fcs/pdfs/fcs455.pdf.

Greder, K. (2003). 16 tools for effective parents. (Extension publication PM 1547f). IowaState University: University Extension. Retrieved December 15, 2008, fromhttp://www.extension.iastate.edu/Publications/PM1547F.pdf.

National Network for Child Care (1995). Positive discipline. In Todd, C.M. (Ed.), Child carecenter connections, 4(6).Retrieved December 15, 2008, from http://www.nncc.org/Guidance/cc46_positive.discipline.html.

University of Maine Cooperative Extension (2004). Discipline that works: The ages andstages approach. (Extension bulletin 4140). Retrieved December 15, 2008, fromhttp://www.umext.maine.edu/onlinepubs/PDFpubs/4140.pdf.

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Grandparents Raising Grandchildren, Cooperative Extension, The University of Georgia

The University of Georgia and Ft. Valley State University, the U.S. Department of Agriculture andcounties of the state cooperating. Cooperative Extension, the University of Georgia College ofAgricultural and Environmental Sciences, offers educational programs, assistance and materialsto all people without regard to race, color, national origin, age, gender or disability.

An EqUAl OppOrTUniTy EmplOyEr/AFFirmATiVE ACTiOn OrGAnizATiOnCOmmiTTED TO A DiVErSE WOrk FOrCE

publication # CHFD-E 59-14 revised July, 2009

Developed and released by Dr. Diane Bales, Human Development Specialist,

Cooperative Extension, The University of Georgia. The Grandparents Raising

Grandchildren series was adapted, with permission, from the Grandparents as

Parents series originally developed by the University of Kentucky Cooperative

Extension and released by Sam Quick. For more information, go to

http://www.gafamilies.org or call 1-800-ASK-UGA1.