VOLUME XVIII, NUMBER 6

Good Argument Has, Its Up Side -But Only If We Fight Fairly

All couples argue. This is a normal and expectedpart of any relationship. Of course, some relation-ship experts say that arguing is healthy, while otherssay beware. While an occasional argument might beunavoidable and can even ultimately clarify bound-aries within the relationship, a pattern of habitualfighting left unchecked puts the relationship at risk.

Granted, when couples first meet" they mayexperience no conflict. This is the infatuationstageof a relationship when both people may feel theyhave met the perfect partner, and happiness reignssupreme. But as time goes by any relationship ismolded not only by the similarities between thepartners but also by the differences that bring inter-est, mystery, and complexity to the relationship. Ahealthy argument can clarify each partner's needsand allow each to maintain a sense of personal integ-rity within the relationship. Each person can holdon to the qualities that made him or her attractive tothe other in the first place. The difference betweena happy and an unhappy relationship is often due tohow the partners argue.

Some people avoid arguments out of apprehen-sion that their underlying anger, which can get trig-

Judith S. Barnett, Ph.D.Clinical Psychologist

Advanced Clinician in Imago RelationshipTherapy

License Number: NC 789

209 Providence RoadChapel Hill, North Carolina 27514

919.403.0400

Email: jubar@judithbarnett.com, Websites:

judithbarnett. comafterinfidelity. com

Dr. Barnett specializes in relationship issues,infidelity counseling and Imago relation-ship therapy.

Other services include:Individual psychotherapyMarital therapySeparation counselingDepression • AnxietyWomen's Issues

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gered during an argument, will go out of control.Others find it difficult to argue since they feelinadequate within the relationship. Some peoplewere exposed to bitter arguments during child-hood and they don't want to repeat the pattern oftheir unhappy parents during their own adulthood.When people just hate to argue, for whatever rea-son, they frequently make up prematurely with-out resolving the issue in order to avoid conflict.Or they may resort to fighting unfairly to gainpower over their partner instead of coming to acompromise and strengthening their commitmentto the relationship. When goodwill and trust aredamaged, the probability of using dirty fightingtechniques increases. If a relationship reaches thepoint where arguments are frequent and damag-ing, the couple may need to make a commitmentto resolve the problem and try more productivemethods of relating on difficult topics. Relation-ship therapy, which focuses in part on establish-ing new communication patterns, aims to facili-tate this goal.

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Arguments are not necessarilya sign of a failed-relationshipor that love is fading. They areoften just a sign that the part-ners are expressing their ownindividuality, and this is healthy.

It helps to ask whether the arguments usuallylead in a downward spiral toward bitterness andstalemate or whether they lead to better commu-nication and greater intimacy. And it is helpfulto examine the themes of the arguments. Couplesmay find that they always argue about the sameissues time after time without ever resolving theunderlying problem. It helps to see that argumentsabout money are rarely about money - they'reusually about power. Arguments about kids areusually arguments about control. When we argueabout chores, we are often more concerned aboutfairness. Sexual arguments are usually about inti-macy; and arguments about jealousy and fidelityare usually about maturity. By identifying theseunderlying themes, we can usually communicatemore directly and with a more positive outcome.

C arifYYour level 0 Commitmentto the Relationship

If arguments begin to have a deterioratingeffect on a relationship and no resolution appearsin sight, it is time to examine the level of com-mitment each of the partners has to the relation-ship. This is sometimes a basic issue that remainsunresolved by two partners, People avoid thistopic out of fear that their partner may be on theverge of bailing out, so they never get a goodreading on how the partner feels about the degreeof intimacy and longevity they ought to have inthe relationship. Many arguments, in fact, stemfrom the fact that one of the partners feels thatthe other is less committed, and this gives riseto unresolved anger, fears of being abandoned,control attempts, and trying to change the otherperson. At this stage we may even see our partneras the enemy, a competitor, and someone whois not to be trusted. Problems arise when eachperson sees the commitment differently or whentheir expectations are unrealistic. Unhealthycommitments assume that one person is respon-sible for the other person's happiness. A solidfirst step in working on conflict in a relationshipis to clarify the degree of commitment each partyfeels toward the other. An adaptive commit- _ment to a relationship assumes that there are twomature, independent people whose needs, wants,and motives can change over the years - and thisis precisely why communication about the com-mitment is necessary. It should be an open topicwhich can be brought up on occasion. Coupleswho have been together for decades often attri-bute their success to the commitment they havemade to the relationship.

This newsletter is intended to otTer general information only and recognizes thatindividual issues may differ from these broad guidelines. Personal issues shouldbe addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with thedetails of the problems. ©2011 Simmonds Publications: 5580 La Jolla Blvd.,#306, La Jolla, CA 92037 Website - www.emotionalwellness.com

Constructive Relations hipGuidelines

In addition to reaching a good understandingof the nature of the commitment, there are sev-eral other guidelines that can be explored when acouple decides to bring their arguments to a moreconstructive level.

It is better to be close and happythan to be right.

Blaming each other and trying to change theother person's opinions are both counterproduc-tive. When we assume that one person is rightand the other person is wrong, we put the personwho is "wrong" on the defensive. Get out of thisright vs. wrong framework altogether. Acceptthe fact that you simply see the issue differently.

Become aware of your impact on your partner.

Arguments start when we say somethingwithout realizing how our partner will take it.Your partner may blame you for starting an argu-ment when that is the last thing you had in mind.One goal of relationship therapy is to uncoverwhat people mean when they say things - andwhat it means when they hear certain things.

You can't change past history.

Although you may feel hurt by somethingthat happened in the past, the only options peoplehave are to work for better circumstances in thepresent and the future. Of course, you may wantto talk about things which have bothered you inthe past, but holding a grudge usually interfereswith the productive resolution of current prob-lems - those things which you can do somethingabout. Work on one current problem at a time,not a list of things from the past. Discuss theproblem while it is relevant.

State your needs as specific requestsfor positive behavior change.

It is not helpful to criticize the person's char-acter - this simply puts our partner into a defen-sive stance. Labeling the person with words like"crazy," "immature," or "slob" does not solvethe specific problem you need to address, and itensures that you will not be heard. These words

are only meant to hurt. Let your partner knowthat it is a specific behavior that bothers you, andbehaviors can be changed.

Use effective communication techniques.

Use "I-statements" when you want to con-vey how you feel. Take responsibility for yourown feelings and assume that your partner isresponsible for his or her own. When you say, "Ifeel left out at parties," you and your partner canwork on this constructively together. But whenyou say, "Buster, you take the cake - you don'tcare one thing about me when you're aroundyour friends," your partner is seen as the enemyand resolution of the problem becomes difficult.When you use generalized words like "should,""ought," "always," or "never" you become like aparent and this places your partner in achildlikerole where constructive discussion between twoequal adults becomes virtually impossible. Mak-ing sure that your nonverbal message matchesyour verbal communication also facilitates aneffective conversation.

De-escalate arguments that are gettingout of control.

It is not helpful to threaten the other personeither verbally or physically. Any sort of violenceis unacceptable. Time-outs are a perfectly goodway to give both parties a chance to cool downso that the problem can be resolved later afterthe heat has dissipated. Recognize the triggersthat set off an argument, as well as the process ofescalation, and take immediate steps to get thingsunder control. Put your energy into resolution ofthe conflict. A component of relationship therapyis to clarify this destructive process and to learntools for resolving problems and restoring per-sonal integrity and mutual respect.

It is a wonder that relationships are as suc-cessful as they are. We seldom get any kind offormal training in how to manage relationshipswell. One lesson that many of us have neverlearned is that differences of opinion and polar-ized perspectives are to be expected and arenormal and healthy. However, serious differencesthat lead to hurtful, destructive arguing requireattention. Fortunately, help is readily available.

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T ACK PAGEWhen you use dirty fighting techniques to win an argument,both you and your partner ultimately lose!

Escalating - Here you quickly move from the main issue of theargument to questioning your partner's basic personality, and thenmove on to wondering whether the relationship is even worth it.

Timing - This involves catching your partner off guard., like look-ing for a time when your partner is least able to respond or leastexpects an argument (before he or she leaves for work, or late atnight, or during a favorite TV show).

Crucializing - Exaggerating the importance of an issueby drawing conclusions of great magnitude regarding therelationship."This proves you have never cared about me."

Brown Bagging - Here you avoid sticking to the original issue.You bring up as many problems as possible, and in great detail.An overwhelmed person can never communicate effectively.

Asking Why - This technique treats your. partner like an irrespon-sible child - "Why don't you love me like John loves Helen?">making your partner feel incapable of an adult relationship ratherthan focusing on the issue at hand.

Cross Complaining - When your_p~ner complains about some-thing, this is the technique of raising a complaint of your own."I forgot to take make up the bed? How about all the times youhaven't taken out the garbage?"

Over-Generalizing - Using words like "never" or "always" willforce your partner into defending his or her overall actions ratherthan looking at the issue at hand. "You have never done your sharein our relationship."

Judith S. Barnett, Ph.D.209 Providence RoadChapel Hill, NC 27514

Patte s to AY-Blaming - This dirty fighting technique makes it clear that youare not at fault and that you are simply the victim. Here, you neveradmit that you play any part in the difficulty and that you willnever make any changes. Let your partner know that he or she isentirely at fault and that if the relationship is to get any better, it isyour partner who will have to change.

Mind Reading - This method lets your partner know that you arethe expert in how he or she feels or thinks. This way you won'thave to deal with any issues at all. "You don't really feel angryright now." This deprives your partner of all rights as an equal.

Pulling Rank - This avoids addressing the real issues- you justavoid the conflict by saying that you bring home more money, oryou have more friends, or you have more education, or you domore around the house. It assumes that there's no need for equal-ity in a relationship. <

Giving Advice - Whenever your partner wants to talk over a prob-lem, act like you are the expert. You tell your partner how to act,think, and feel- and you always have the better answer. If this isever questioned you can say that you were only trying to be help-ful. .

Labeling - This involves using negative terms like "neurotic,""alcoholic," "immature," or "paranoid" whenever you want togive the impression that your partner is at fault. It suggests thatyour partner is inherently flawed rather than focusing on behaviorsthat can change.

Rejecting Compromise - This means sticking with the philosophythat only one of you can win.