WINTER 2010VOLUME 3 • ISSUE 2

A G R I E F S U P P O RT N E W S L E T T E R

W H A T ’ S I N S I D E

Getting Through the Holidays 1

Book Review 2

The Children’sGarden Grant 3

Profile 3

Events and Grief Support Groups 4

T he holiday season can often be a time ofconflicting emotions and apprehension for

those who have experienced the death of a lovedone. Questions can arise such as: How will I copewhen holiday cheer clashes with the way I amfeeling? How will I handle it if my depressionprevents me from entering into activities or if I feela sense of isolation when everyone else seems tobe having a good time? Perhaps the followinglist of ideas will be of comfort and assistance during this holiday season:

Family get-togethers. Sitdown with your family anddecide what you want todo for the holiday seasonand be honest with eachother about your feelings.Don’t set expectations toohigh for yourself or theday. Undertake only whateach family member canhandle comfortably.

There is no right or wrong way to handle the day. Some may wish to follow family traditions,while others may choose to change. Keep inmind the feelings of your children or family members. Try to make the holiday season as joyous as possible for them. Doing for those youlove often brings a measure of joy to you too,even when it seems impossible.

Instead of pretending to be happy. Give yourself permission to be exactly where you are emotionally: sad, withdrawn, depressed, and angry. If a moment of quiet relief, love, or

happiness washes over you—allow that moment.You may judge yourself for being sad or a downer,and in the same breath, deny yourself moments offeeling good. Expect to experience “grief bursts”as memories of what you once shared and nolonger have surface.

Solicit other people’s support. Share your desireto take care of your feelings and needs with familyand friends. People want to help us when we arehurting, but often don’t know how. Be specific inthe way people can help and nurture you—asdifficult as this may be. You will be giving them a gift of honesty, so they can give you a gift ofcaring in return.

Be aware that your senses may be acute at this time. Every sight, sound, aroma, taste andtouch may be magnified and are likely to triggeremotions related to past memories. Or, conversely,you may be numb emotionally: anesthetized andnot able to feel anything.

Decide what you can handle comfortably.Prioritize activities according to the value youplace on them as a meaningful part of your holiday. Focus on the intrinsic meanings of theholidays rather than the extrinsic expectations and should’s—many of which can be eliminatedthis year. Just do the best you can.

Don’t be afraid to make changes. Even smallchanges can help. Examples might be: have dinner out instead of at home; open gifts at a different time; attend a different church; purchasea tree rather than cutting one down; purchasebaked goods at a bakery instead of bakinggoods at home.

Getting Through the HolidaysBy Ana Hays

(continued on page 2)

2 C O M M U N I T Y G R I E F A N D C O U N S E L I N G C E N T E R

Getting Through the Holidays (continued from page 1)

Comfort yourself by doing something for someone else. Adopt a needy family for the holidays; invite a guest who wouldotherwise be alone to share your holiday; spend the day servingmeals to the homeless; donate money you would have spent onyour loved one to a meaningful charity or a needy child.

Be intentional about how you plan your holidays. Consider allof the above and create a plan complete with alternative ideasshould you feel differently on the holiday. Evaluate the plan considering the following:• Do your plans isolate you from those who love and support

you the best?• Do your plans allow for meaningful expression and celebration

of what the holiday means to you?• Have you made your plans and limits known to family

and friends?

Encourage yourself to live in the moment. None of us has any guarantee for the future. Ask God or your higher power forspiritual strength to travel through these holidays and give you

hope for a healed tomorrow. Give thanks for the things that youidentify as good, even in the midst of this time in your life.

Begin to internalize/accept the fact that your “traditional”family is no longer the same. You may find it helpful to initiatenew traditions as a way that your family begins to regroup.Doing something completely different means it is not connectedwith the deceased loved one and does not remind you of thepain—or you may want to include your loved one by instituting a ritual that includes him/her in a new way. Examples are: lightinga candle at the dinner table and having each family memberrecall a memory of the deceased, or hanging a stocking andencouraging family members to place a message to the person inthe stocking. These can be private or be shared with others asthe family wishes. The possibilities here are limited only by yourimagination. Each person and each family will have their ownway of dealing with and accepting the loss.

Remember to be kind and gentle with yourself. If you would likesupport, please call the Community Grief and Counseling Center.We are here to help.

In Let’s Take the Long Walk Home,author Gail Caldwell, winner

of the Pulitzer Prize, has written abeautiful homage to friendship, inwhich she shares a moving yetunsentimental story of love, loss,and personal transcendence.

The bond of friendship between Caldwell and writer CarolineKnapp (author of Drinking a Love Story and Pack of Two: TheIntricate Bond Between People and Dogs) began with their mutuallove for dogs and water (Knapp rowed, Caldwell swam) and,as the author so eloquently writes, remains far more permanentand stronger than death.

“It has taken years for me to understand that dying doesn’t endthe story; it transforms it,” states Caldwell in her memoir. “Edits,rewrites, the blur and epiphany of one-way dialogue. Most of us wander in and out of one another’s lives until not death, but distance, does us part—time and space and the heart’s weariness

are the blander executioners of human connection… Death is adivorce nobody asked for; to live through it is to find a way todisengage from what you thought you couldn’t stand to lose.”

The beauty of Let’s Take the Long Walk Home is that it gracefullyand aptly describes grief in narrative. Having recently lost afriend in a tragic airplane accident, I found comfort in Caldwell’swords, which describe how a heart breaks open after loss, thefog one feels, and the disbelief in how the one who remains can ever move forward in life without the departed loved one.

“To say I could not bear this final departure is useless commentary,because bear I did and bear we do; to say I did not believethat I could is perhaps more to the point,” states Caldwell. “Iknow now that we never get over great losses; we absorb them,and they carve us into different, often kinder, creatures.”

By reading Let’s Take the Long Walk Home, I found a story ofsomeone to whom I could relate—giving definition and meaningto the myriad of feelings I have felt and for which I could not findwords to describe. I highly recommend this wonderful book.

Let’s Take the Long Way HomeBy Gail CaldwellReviewed by Ana Hays

BO O K RE V I E W

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Becky GomesBereavement Office Manager

The daughter of a career military father, Becky Gomeswas a world traveler by the age of 10. The proud mother

of three children, two step-children and the grandmother ofsix, she is thrilled to findherself back at Hospiceof the Valley.

“I’ve had many careers,”said Becky. “But I fell inlove with Hospice of theValley when I did mypracticum at the BascomAvenue offices for mycounseling psychologydegree, which I received

from William Jessup College in San Jose. For 18 months Imanaged bereavement risk assessments under the guidanceof Chaplain Jane Garrison, who was my supervisor. After Igraduated, I never intended to pursue a career in counselingbut I did know that I would love to come back to Hospice ofthe Valley someday. In what capacity, I wasn’t sure.”

Life is serendipitous! “Several years later a friend of mine heardof an opening at Hospice of the Valley. The position wasn’twell suited for me, but when the bereavement office managerposition opened up, Mariane Snider, RN, who I had spokenwith, thought of my skill set and gave me a call. The officemanager position is perfect for me. My job includes supportingthe counselors and interns at the Community Grief andCounseling Center. And as the first voice people hear whenthey reach the Center, I get to introduce our programs to peoplewho have experienced loss ranging from our hospice familiesto individuals in the community who have found us, to schools

that have lost a child on campus and arein need of training and support for theirteachers. Sometimes when people call,they are barely hanging in there—notbelieving that they will get through it. Ilike to think that I offer them comfort andat the end of a call, when I hear relief insomeone’s voice, it has been a good day.”

Ana Hays

We are often asked at the Community Grief and Counseling Center how people can support our community programs. Support comes from grants and generous gifts from donors.All services at the Center are available to the community on a sliding scale and donations help to provide services to children and adults who are greatly in need. If you would like to make a contribution to the Center, donations can be made online at hospicevalley.org/cgcc.

Recently the Community Grief and Counseling Center received a generous grant from Air Systems

Foundation to renovate the children’s garden. According to Debra Melmon, MFT Intern at the Center, gardens are an excellent space for children and even adults to processtheir grief.

“The therapeutic side to the connection between plants andpeople is a non-verbal one,” said Debra. “Just like art therapy,a garden gives a person direct access to their unconsciousallowing them to express their emotions in a more vulnerableway. Working with the soil and plants, and the cycle of life agarden becomes a therapeutic tool with infinite metaphors forlife and death.

It’s especially relevant with children. They plant seeds and nurture and care for them—experiencing an entire life cycle in less than three months. They witness a seed in its infantilestate on through its maturation to a flower. When it reaches its potential, it has perhaps created another seed, and then

it dies. Additionally there will beseeds that the children plant thatwill never germinate; and somethat do germinate will contract adisease or be eaten by an insect.It’s all a lesson. A garden is per-fect for pointing out to a child oran adult how each part of the lifecycle that goes on in their gardencan be related to their life and totheir death and their own maturity.”

“The beauty of this grant,” saidTerri Lambert, development associate, who submitted the grant application, “is that it allowsus to create a garden that is muchmore effective and one the children

can really interact with. Now we have a storage bench, shovelsand rakes, a nice raised bed with an irrigation system, and acomposter. Not only is it esthetically pleasing, but the childrenand the staff have more access to the garden providing theability to fully utilize it.”

The Children’s Garden GrantBy Ana Hays

Debra Melmon planting with children in the garden prior to renovation

Ana Hays

Events and Grief Support Groups 2010/2011

4850 Union Avenue l San Jose, California 95124408.559.5600 l hospicevalley.org

The journey of grief has many faces

and affects each of us

NONPROFIT ORGUS POSTAGE

PAIDSAN JOSE CA

PERMIT NO. 5031

Hospice of the Valley Events2011A Journey of Hope Art Exhibit

A Community Open House showcasing art work from the Community Grief and Counseling CenterThursday, March 24, 5:30 – 7:30 pm

4th Annual Compassion in Action ConferenceSponsored by Hospice of the Valley and Santa ClaraUniversity Department of Counseling PsychologyFriday, March 25, 8:00 am – 6:30 pm

Hospice Foundation of America Spirituality and End-of-Life Care ConferenceHosted by Hospice of the Valley and sponsored by Dignity MemorialWednesday, April 13, 8:30 am – 3:30 pmWyndham Hotel, San Jose

Western GalaFriday, May 13, 2011, 6:00 – 10:00 pmTriton Museum of Art, Santa Clara

Silicon Valley Duck RaceSunday, June 12

The Kent Kirkorian Memorial Golf TournamentFriday, September 23, 2011Cinnabar Hills Golf Club, San Jose

Community Grief and Counseling CenterEventsWings of Remembrance

Sunday, December 5, 2:00 – 4:00 pmCupertino Senior Center, RSVP ext. 5460

Kids Night OutWednesday, December 8, 4:00 – 7:00 pm

Support GroupsBeginning the weeks of November 8 and January 3

WeeklyMondays: Partner Loss, Parent LossWednesdays: Kids Group, Widows/Widowers Fridays: Child Loss (Women’s Group)

Twice Monthly2nd and 4th Wednesdays: Healing Hearts (Second Year Widows/Widowers Group), Step by Step (Second Year Partner Loss Group

For more information please visit our website at hospicevalley.org, or call 408.559.5600 ext. 5460.

Serving the communities of Santa Clara County.

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