Get Out of Your Own Way at Work

and Help Others Do the Samewith

Dr. Mark Goulston

©2005 Mark Goulston

Warren Buffett’s Key to Success

Everybody here has the ability to do anything I do and much beyond. Some of you will and some of you won’t. For those who won’t, it will be because you GET IN YOUR OWN WAY not because the world doesn’t allow you.

- Warren Buffett

Speaking at the University of Washington

How do you get in your own way?

By engaging in actions that derail you from achieving your goals

Those actions are Self-Defeating Behaviors (SDB)

Take the that’s me or someone I work with quiz…(a.k.a. 7 Habits of Highly Ineffective People)

That’s Me Yes Procrastinating ______ Getting Defensive ______ Wasting Time ______ Quitting too soon ______ Being unprepared ______ Not listening ______ Not learning from mistakes ______

Zero ___________ 1-3 ____________ 4 or more ___________% attendees (in each category): Zero ___________ 1-3 ____________ 4 or more ___________

Take the “That’s me or someone I work with” quiz…(okay, you get to be a blamer, but just for a moment)

That’s someone I work with Yes Procrastinating ______ Getting Defensive ______ Wasting Time ______ Quitting too soon ______ Being unprepared ______ Not listening ______ Not learning from mistakes ______

Zero ___________ 1-3 ____________ 4 or more ___________% attendees (in each category): Zero ___________ 1-3 ____________ 4 or more ___________

Take the “If I and someone I work with stopped and overcame our SDB’s” big payoff quiz

If I and someone I work with stopped and overcame our SDB’s:

Productivity would increase: Not at all _________ Somewhat ________ Greatly __________ % attendees (in each category): Not at all _________ Somewhat ________ Greatly __________

Job satisfaction would increase: Not at all _________ Somewhat ________ Greatly __________ % attendees (in each category): Not at all _________ Somewhat ________ Greatly __________

______ Self-esteem would increase: Not at all _________ Somewhat ________ Greatly __________ % attendees (in each category): Not at all _________ Somewhat ________ Greatly __________

What do…

Bob Eckert, CEO of Mattel Leonard Kleinrock, creator of the Internet Jim Sinegal, CEO of Costco

Have in common?

They each achieved enormous success because…

They learned how to get out of their own way:

Bob Eckert learned to NOT panic

What Bob Eckert learned…

USABLE INSIGHT: When you focus on what needs to be done today and then just do it, you stop being afraid of what might happen tomorrow.

They each achieved enormous success because…

They learned how to get out of their own way:

Leonard Kleinrock learned to NOT set his expectations too low

What Leonard Kleinrock learned…

USABLE INSIGHT: Set your expectations high early in your career or job. If you reach them, you’ll become more confident; if you don’t, you’ll become stronger.

They each achieved enormous success because…

They learned how to get out of their own way:

Jim Sinegal learned to listen instead of rebel

=

What Jim Sinegal learned…

USABLE INSIGHT: Don’t confuse someone trying to help you with someone trying to control you.

Why do you engage in SDB’s?

It’s a distress reliever Do you know the difference between stress and

distress?

- Stress challenges you

- Distress overwhelms you

SDB’s relieve Distress

You reach for relief

But you let go of your goals

SDB is more damaging than you could imagine

Competitors without SDB’s pass you by

Promotions and pay raises pass you by

Team members get angry at you

You get angry at you

How do you develop SDB?

All through life you step into the unknown– When it goes well you feel

powerful and invincible

Where Self-Defeating Behavior Starts

2 steps forward, 1 step back

Birth First Breath Awake Sleep Through Night Crawling First Step Stay at Home First Day of Pre-School Elementary School Middle School Middle School High School

High School College College Career

Where Self-Defeating Behavior Starts

When you fall, you feel helpless and you look back to your support system– Development psychologists call it

“rapprochement” (French for looking back and connecting)

What do you see when you look back?

Coddling – You’re bailed out.

Criticism – You’re belittled.

Neglect – You’re ignored.

How Self-Defeating Behavior DevelopsCoddling Parent

CODDLED

tantrums

(“Do it for me”)

Spoiled

Compulsions

Y O U R A D U L T L I F E

LOST

How Self-Defeating Behavior DevelopsCritical Parent

CRITICISED

hurt/anger

(“I’ll show you”)

Hostile

Blaming

Y O U R A D U L T L I F E

BITTER

How Self-Defeating Behavior DevelopsNeglectful Parent

NEGLECTED fear

(“It’ll never work”)

Defeatist

Avoidance

Y O U R A D U L T L I F E

EMPTY

What would your life turn out to be…

if you internalized your parents’ Coddling, Critical or Neglectful response to you

into your personality?

W A S T E D

But what if you looked back and …

Instead of being Coddled, Criticized or Neglected

You received…

S U P P O R T

How Successful Behavior DevelopsSupportive Parent

SUPPORTED

confidence

(“I can do it”)

Motivated

Determination

Y O U R A D U L T L I F E

SATISFIED

And if you felt satisfied…

Instead of your life being WASTED

It would be…

FULFILLED

It’s never too late to stop and overcome SDB

R e a d y

A i m

O v e r c o m e

Next time you mess up…

Take out an index card and write down:– “If I had this to do over again, instead of what

I did, I would have done ______.– If I had done ________, it would have

prevented these negative consequences because ___________.

– The best way to catch myself before I engage in this SDB and then try this alternate behavior would be to ______________.”

Eight Steps to Help Others Get Out of Their Own Way

Step 1: Pick out people you want to help

Eight Steps to Help Others Get Out of Their Own Way

Step 2: Tell them you’re trying to change.

Eight Steps to Help Others Get Out of Their Own Way

Step 3: Pick 1- 2 SDB’s to overcome

Eight Steps to Help Others Get Out of Their Own Way

Step 4: Get “buy in”

Eight Steps to Help Others Get Out of Their Own Way

Step 5: Make new behavior something you can both see

Eight Steps to Help Others Get Out of Their Own Way

Step 6: Follow up

Eight Steps to Help Others Get Out of Their Own Way

Step 7: Invite them to overcome their SDB’s

Eight Steps to Help Others Get Out of Their Own Way

Step 8: Select additional SDB’s to overcome

Eight Steps to Help Others Get Out of Their Own Way

Step 9: Celebrate success

Eight Steps to Help Others Get Out of Their Own Way

Step 10: Spread the word

Eight Steps to Help Others Get Out of Their Own Way

Step 1: Pick out people you want to helpStep 2: Tell them you’re trying to changeStep 3: Pick 1-2 SDB’s to overcomeStep 4: Get “buy in”Step 5: Make new behavior something you can both seeStep 6: Follow upStep 7: Invite them to overcome their SDB’sStep 8: Select additional SDB’s to overcomeStep 9: Celebrate successStep 10: Spread the word

And PERSEVERE because…

It takes a month for a change in behavior to become a habit

and a minimum of 6 months for that habit to become part of your personality—YOUR new successful personality.

How would you like follow-up from Mark?

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