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Generations Apart

A study of the inter-generational issues facing Britain's Afghan Community

Exploring some of the root causes of the inter-generational issues dividing Afghan diaspora groups in North London

Produced by Maliha Kabir for Afghan Action

December 2012

ASHRAMINTERNATIONAL

Asian SHelter Regeneration And Management

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CONTENTS Introduction 3 Background 4 Methodology 4 Findings/Results 5 Parents’ Responses 5 Children’s Responses 6 Teachers’ Responses 7 Discussion 8 Conclusion 8 Acknowledgements 9 Appendix -Afghan Parents’ Gathering 10

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Introduction I warmly welcome this report, commissioned by Afghan Action and ably carried out by Maliha Kabir, with the support of ASHRAM International. It is breaking important new ground, highlighting issues which affect the lives of many people – and yet issues almost completely unknown outside the Afghan communities of our country. Maliha’s work starts with the premise that the Afghan diaspora now settled in the UK belong here and their welfare and prosperity matters to us all. We very much want and need them to bring their gifts and abilities to the wider community. But there are barriers which, invisible to outsiders, too often feed on misunderstandings and myths. Young Afghan born and raised in the UK are already demonstrating their ability and adaptability and, in many cases, performing well at school and elsewhere. But, as Maliha’s findings and insights clearly illustrate, there are issues which need to be addressed – issues which are sometimes not articulated, because they cause pain and even division among friends and fellow Afghans. This report has unearthed some vital themes - matters not just for Afghan families and communities to address, but ones which concern us all. Our hope is that this report will lead to a programme of work which will make a real difference in the lives of many people, including Afghan people living in the UK and, indirectly, their families and friends back home in Afghanistan. I would like to thank all those who have participated in the work Maliha has carried out. Ken Bartlett Chair, Afghan Action December 2012

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Background The aim of this research has been to study the generation gap between Afghan

children and young people brought up in the UK and their parents who were brought

up in Afghanistan.

Many Afghan children raised in the UK struggle to find their identity, as they have to

follow two distinct and separate life styles.

Their parents are fearful of the new environment that they now live in. Although

many Afghan men living in the UK prefer that their women be educated and have a

job, it remains the case that the lives of many Afghan women are limited to

housework, mainly for cultural reasons. As a result they become isolated from other

communities and their fear of the outside world makes them segregate themselves,

creating tension between parents and their children. Hence the need for this

research.

Afghans are not keen to discuss family issues and search for ways to deal with them

outside the family. There has been no previous work done on this subject.

So, in this research, we have been trying to identify some of the issues created due

to the generation gap, from the points of view of parents, children, teachers and

other professionals.

To tackle this, my aim has been to identify issues and open them up for discussion

with the parents/children and schools, local authorities and voluntary organisations

working in and with local communities - and find ways to address these issues.

Following completion of this study in December 2012, further action will follow to help

educate both the parents and young people to address the current generation gap,

improve their family environment and encourage them to integrate into the wider

community. Our plan is also to get schools involved in supporting the parents as they

address what for them are difficult and challenging issues.

The schools involved in this research have become more aware of the issues facing

the Afghan community and are interested in addressing them, in order to improve the

prospects and achievements of their Afghan pupils.

I am pleased to say some of the Harrow schools involved in this research already

started to address these issues. The Harrow Council Early Intervention Department

has become interested in supporting the schools in this initiative.

Methodology

Our methodology has been as follows: we designed and tested three separate multi

subject questionnaires, mainly targeting Afghan youngsters (18 questions), their

parents (25 questions) and their teachers (8 questions). The questionnaires took into

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account the demographic details of the target groups as well. We also included a

mandate to the questionnaires.

The following schools and organisations were involved in responding to the

questionnaires:

Three Afghan supplementary schools and Harrow and Brent

Three state schools in Harrow

An Afghan sports club

Informal interviews with people at social events and gatherings

Harrow Council

Several other Afghan organisations, state schools, a mosque and Brent Council

were approached but we were unable to involve them in this research

We also included to the research other more established minority ethnic

communities, asking how they have managed and tackled this issue of the

generation gap.

On the basis of the findings, we drafted another questionnaire (9 questions,Appendix

1) to get the parents to reflect on their everyday thoughts and actions, and their

relationship with their children and other communities.

I also attended mentoring training in order to understand in depth the issues which

young people in the UK go through, and how peer pressure affects them and their

attitudes. I also managed to fill in my questionnaires by few people there.

We discussed the findings in several consultations with Afghans and others and

began to explore ways forward.

Findings/Results

We looked at the problems from various perspectives.

Parents’ Responses

We found in many families that the father was overworked and not earning enough

to cover his family’s living costs, so having to rely on the State for a top up. We found

a number being unjustly treated by their employers, yet they keep quiet in order not

to lose their job. There is little awareness of their rights as employees. Many of them

are well educated but they are doing a job not related to (and way below) their level

of skills or qualifications. They are also responsible for supporting their extended

family still living in Afghanistan or Pakistan. Wives/mothers have to work hard

bringing up their children almost on their own and keeping the house in order. Often

speaking little English, they only feel comfortable socialising with Afghans. They are

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not able to find time to invest in their own lives as they are so occupied with family

life. They fear their children will lose their Afghan culture and worry constantly about

the “freedoms” of the West.

Example of an Afghan parent’s response to my questions:

What are your main concerns for your child going to school in this country?

“There are many but to name a few: drugs problems, kids with anti social behaviour,

underage sex, children exposed to too much unnecessary information - such as sex

education. Kids can end up practicing these while being as young as 11. Kids not

being given enough responsibility and instead all passed to parents as if parent don't

have enough to deal with. Science studies and the importance of science in our lives

are replaced by arts, music and entertainment. Kids get lazier once they get into their

secondary education. This is purely due to the teaching system that is currently

being implemented. They are constantly fed but not challenged”.

Do you understand the UK education system?

“I know it more or less, but there are some families who have no clue and do not

know where to go and get the information they need.

Then there are those who think they know but they don't”.

Some parents are interested in being able to integrate with other communities and

also to understand their children’s experience outside home. They look for support to

Afghans already well integrated in British society.

A significant issue affecting Afghan parents is housing. Having to move from one

area to another makes it difficult for the children to develop and be educated.

The parents’ feedback sheet has shown clearly that many Afghan mothers are

interested in having the opportunity of gathering together and found the gathering

useful.

Children’s Responses

From the surveys that I did, and talking to many children in school, often at Afghan

Supplementary schools on a Saturday, I found that they had an entirely different set

of issues that troubled them. At home they are very much within their family’s Afghan

culture, as expected by their parents. Yet outside home they lead a quite different

life, expecting to fit into British culture. This can lead to bad school performance and

they often feel they have to lie at home, because of the cultural expectations –

forcing them to live with guilt.

Here are some quotes that children raised about their family.

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From the Mentoring Training I undertook, I was able to understand these issues

facing young Afghans. In one of the workshops, we broke down and analysed the

issues that young people from minority ethnic groups face: girls aged 9-14 and15-19

and boys age 9-14 and15-19. In all of the four groups people mentioned family

pressures and cultural beliefs affecting the young people. They also mentioned lack

of confidence/ low self esteem/ isolation and not coping with the challenges they face

at school.

Teachers’ Responses

Some Afghan parents do not attend the teacher/parent meetings. It has been found

that Afghan children are amongst the weakest in achievement - they are talented,

but the school is not sure whether they have the right environment at home to

encourage them to achievement more. Teachers have also noticed that there are a

lot of misogynist (sexist) comments amongst the boys. This is partly due to cultural

norms in a community where male and female are not equal. Teachers have also

noticed that family restrictions on children impact on their learning. For example, a

teacher referred to a situation in which an Afghan girl had to sit and work on a

computer while her classmates were watching a film in the class (as she was not

allowed to watch the film).

Two contrasting statements from Afghans teaching in supplementary schools should

be noted:

“I am very much against this study. The reason is that this study provokes children

against the Afghan parents. Yes, we have the problem with our children due the

Afghan cultural and generation gap, but I do not believe that anyone can help with

this. No parents will participate in this study”.

“I have been involved in the parenting project which supported Afghan families. I am

very much aware of the issues causing unrest within the Afghan community. I am

pleased that you are trying to address them”.

“I wish I could change the bad relationship

between adult family members. It is disturbing

me hugely “

“As an Afghan girl I am not allowed to attend

evening courses, which I would like to do after

my school”

“I wish my adult family members could have listened to me too”

“I feel left out at home and at school, nobody

helps”

“Many children have to watch the Afghan

channels most of the time as the parents wish

to”

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In an interview with two members of the Indian and Pakistani communities, I was to

that, in their experience, all parents will have some inter-generational issues with

their children, but, they said, “as we have not suffered from war we are managing

better to integrate with other people and understand our children’s lifestyle”. They

say that they also still keep their traditions.

Discussion

This research indicates that the inter-generational issues facing the Afghan

community is of real concern and needs to be addressed. Afghans are not keen to

discuss their problems outside their own families. They feel that they let the family

down by talking about their problems. Parents are not generally used to seeking

advice regarding family issues, as in Afghanistan there are no such facilities that can

be of help. Although many Afghans experience inter-generational issues, it is hard

for them to admit to this.

Another finding arising from this research is that many Afghans are having problems

expressing their feelings. When you ask them, they smile and say that all is well with

them. Many Afghan parents are not aware of the emotional needs of their children,

as they themselves never had their emotional needs met. Also many Afghans live

day to day. They do not plan ahead. There is no trust in the outside world among

these families.

Some Afghans just take life as it comes and are generally fatalistic. They are not

aware of the world in which they live now. I met a group of Afghans who have lived in

the UK for 10-15 years, but still do not speak English and are not coping with their

lives here.

Conclusion

The inter-generational issues being experienced by Afghan families need to be

addressed. The Afghan community has been traumatized by over three decades of

war and the very different environment of their new home in the UK. Many still

continue to practice traditions and cultural behaviour which are inappropriate in the

UK and cause unrest within the Afghan community.

The children are affected by the inter-generational issues which affect their

development and achievements in their education.

The only way to reduce the family tension caused by the generation gap and enable

integration is to break negative traditional patterns and open up family issues for

discussion within the Afghan community.

Schools are probably the best places to organise parents’ gatherings. Parents will

grow in their understanding of the school system and will be more familiar with the

school environment. School teachers and officials will become more aware of how

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Afghan family issues impact on their pupils. Parents will become more confident and

able to communicate with school staff.

Afghan voluntary organisations need to become involved in addressing these issues

and Afghan “advocates” should be appointed to encourage and build the confidence

of those who need support for self-development and integration with the wider British

community.

The main focus of my study was in Harrow and Barnet. It would be helpful to

disseminate what I have discovered in other areas and encourage similar exploration

there.

Acknowledgements

I would like to thank sincerely those who supported me in this project, in particular

Harrow Council, especially Joy Collins who enabled me to get access to some local

schools for my research and two Afghan voluntary organisations, Paiwand and the

Afghan Association of Harrow. I appreciate te generous time given to me in my

research.

Thank you to all Afghan parents and young people who have participated and the

volunteer teachers in Afghan supplementary schools and teachers in the state

schools who took part in this research: Sue Nilson - Head Teacher of Vaughan

School; Prerna Pataila - Children in Centre Coordinator in Glebe School, Nina

Duncan and Almas Agha- Teachers in Whitefriars School; Belquis Wassel, Head

Teacher and Tooba Ezzat -Parenting Trainer at the Afghan Supplementary School at

Whitefield School; Farzona Nazari - Head Teacher in Afghan Supplementary School

in the London Academy.

Thank you to all members of the Afghan community who have helped me, especially

Razia Zarrien for her input in questionnaires and Hamid Kabir for translations from

English to Dari.

Thank you to Chris Beales of Afghan Action for his guidance and support throughout

the project and for contributing to the writing of the report. Thank you to Rahnuma

Noor of Afghan Action for supervising the project and for her support. Thank you to

John Dowling and Alan Felt of ASHRAM International for their contribution in writing

the report.

Maliha Kabir, Consultant.

December 2012

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APPENDIX: Questionnaire - Afghan Parents’ Gathering

Study of Intergenerational Issues in the Afghan Community in North West London 1) What is a normal day like for you? 2) What are your current responsibilities?

The answers given to questions 1 and 2 were that they are housewives and looking after children.

One of the attendees is self studying and preparing for further study. Two are able to attend college

twice a week.

3) In everyday life, what are the concerns that most worry you? Many of them are concerned about learning English Language, as having young children makes it very difficult to join a course where they can learn the language and have their children with them. “It is very hard to achieve my goals, Every day is monotone”. Many of them are educated and worked in Afghanistan as teachers and a doctor but now they are just housewives. Many mothers are alone in bringing up their children, as their husbands are working hard with night time work too. One attendee’s husband suffers from health issues and he is at home all the time. She needs to look after the children and the husband. Some wrote that they are concerned about their families left in Afghanistan and they miss them. 4) What would you like to change in your life? Many wrote that they wished to be able to learn English and be able to find a job and support their children in their homework and other aspects of their life, as befits a good mother. 5) Where do you see yourself in 10 years time?

Three of the attendees said: “as we are responsible to bringing up the children, we do not have

enough time for ourselves”. One said: “If I manage to learn the language and educate myself, I will be

able to find a job”. One wrote that “in ten years I will learn the English language better, get driving

licence and hopefully get a job”.

In 20 years time? They are not sure in 20 years

6) As an Afghan parent, how do you think you will relate to your children, whilst living in the United Kingdom?

Many wrote that they do not have any problem with their children.

Some wrote that, when the children are at a young age, is easy to manage them – “but when they get

older I am concerned about how to relate to my children as they grow up in a country with a lot of

misused freedom”.

Another reckoned that she is has been able to bring up her children in the Afghani culture “by 85%”.

Another said that she has no problem with her relating to her children and she is very close to them.

Another said “if we know how to treat the children in their childhood we will not have problems when

they grow up”.

7) Do you find that you are keen to integrate with other communities? If yes – How do you do this? If no – why do you not do?

Some said no, some are keen to integrate, some not sure

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8) What benefit do you think you will get if you integrate?

Some said there will be many benefits learning from other communities. “We could help each other”.

9) Some parents discourage their children’s integration into British society. How do you think this might affect their future personal and professional life living in the UK?

One said “I do not want my children to integrate with the wider British community, because here the

children, when they become adults and set up their own lives, leave their parents and when the

parents get too old they send them to care home”.

Another wrote “we would like to integrate with educated people with good moral values so that our

children can learn from them. We discourage our children from integrating with badly behaved

people”.

10) How do you think your children’s future may be affected by growing up in the United Kingdom?

“It depends on how we as parents work with our children in a completely different society. If they

behave well and develop in an educated family, they might be prepared well for future adult life with

increasing modern technology”.

“I am very happy with my children as they are doing very well and completely settled with their

studies”.

Some wrote that they would like their children to grow up with good manners and respect, not like

some other local children who have no respect for their family.

My findings

Nine mothers aged between 20 – 50 attended the event. This was the first gathering of its kind for

these Afghan parents and they were very pleased to get to know each other - and to know that the

event is about them this time.

The feedback sheet indicated that they were very positive and keen to have this kind of gathering

more often. The timing suits them very well as it was an hour before they were due to collect their

children from school. The venue was good, in that it was familiar to them. Some asked for more time

than an hour.

They found the meeting useful and they learned from each other and enjoyed relaxing together. They

wish to have more events like this to able to talk to other people.

My concerns

No one has asked them before what they want from their lives, in order to get them to understand that

it is important for them to think about themselves as well as the children and the house.

Most of them have been brought up with the skill of cutting off their feelings in order to be able to

follow the norms of their culture. Therefore they are not able to express their feelings.

Their main imposed goal is to get married and have children and be a perfect housewife. Men are

responsible for financial matters, which often means they are not able to appreciate the value of

money as they don’t work for it. Also work outside home is the job of men, which makes women not

motivated to get involved in any social/community activities outside home.

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The Afghan Government doesn’t provide any welfare for people in Afghanistan and therefore the

majority of Afghan people in the UK are still not used to searching for help outside the home to make

a better living; they suffer in silence and wait for a brighter day.

Many Afghan mothers are not planning ahead for the long term. They live only for today.