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BY LEEMA THOMAS-JOSEPHSTAFF WRITER

When “Asma’’ was26 years old, herparents foundher a suitablehusband. Sheleft her nativetown in SouthIndia and in

2001 moved to Pennsylvania to bewith her life partner.

But her in-laws were part of thebridal package. Asma’s dream ofbuilding a new life with her spousesoon turned into a nightmare.

“My father-in-law, mother-in-lawand sister-in-law, they were treatingme very badly. I wasn’t interested inliving in a joint family setup. Icouldn’t put up with the [verbal]abuse anymore.”

Within a year, the marriage headedtoward a breakup. And after herdaughter was born, Asma, who askedthat her real name not be used,moved with the child to Brooklynand started her medical residency.

Sensing that her daughter needed afather, Asma and her parents, allpracticing Muslims, felt she shouldremarry. Her parents arranged forher to meet a man from Atlanta. Theywed in July 2004.

“Before the marriage, he told mehe’s going to be very nice to mydaughter and be a good father to her.I never expected he would change somuch after getting married.”

Initially, “he was extremely verbal-ly abusive,” she said, but, after shebecame pregnant in February 2005,“he started physically abusing me.He’d slap me and push me. Hit me onmy belly,” she said.

The abuse continued, eventuallyforcing her to take legal measuresafter her husband fled the countrywith their newborn son.

Recalling her story of survivalrecently, Asma said the experienceleft her feeling depressed and in “adeep, dark pit.” A friend referred herto the Domestic Harmony Commit-tee, an anti-domestic-violence groupbased at the Islamic Center of Long

Bringing domestic violence

OUT OF THE

Sandy, once a victim, now anadvocate, and her son, Bobby, 4

ON THE COVER: Members of theDomestic Harmony Committee atthe Islamic Center of Long Island inWestbury, from left, Rafia Hamid,Zainab Ali, Amal Wahib, ShaidaKhan, Dr. Kushalata Jayakar-Ahmed and Homaira Mamoor

NEWSDAY PHOTO / BILL DAVIS

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Island in Westbury. The groupbecame her lifeline to safetyand sanity. It played a crucialrole in her life, Asma saidduring a recent interview.

She calls herself a survivornow. And to women — espe-cially those from South Asiaand the diaspora facing a simi-lar plight, where a victim isfurther ostracized by talkingabout it — she urges: “Youneed to speak out and take astep for yourself, even if itmeans the marriage is going toend. You have to do it.”

The Harmony committeeThe Domestic Harmony

Committee was formed in1992, originally to serve Mus-lim women — with its twinmission to promote harmonyand to end domestic violencein Muslim families. But today,women from diverse nationali-ties across Long Island seek itsservices, members said. Lastyear, the group had a caseloadof about 60 women. Itsservices include a hotline,evaluations, support groups,counseling and referrals forfinancial and legal aid. It alsoconducts workshops and semi-nars for the community.

The committee, a groupbased at the Islamic Center ofLong Island, relies on grantsand private donations from thecommunity, said HomairaMamoor of West Islip, acommittee member, and hasa 2007 operating budget ofabout $25,000. The group of10 to 12 volunteers includespsychiatrists, social work-ers, doctors and advocates.

Support groups suchas this play a vital role inthe South Asian commu-nity by providing lan-guage-specific andculturally sensitiveservices to womenwho trace their ori-gins to Bangladesh,India, Nepal, Paki-stan, Sri Lanka andthe South Asiandiaspora, includingthe Indo-Caribbe-an.

The needs ofMuslim womenare different,said Dr. Kushalata Jayakar-Ahmed, a psychiatrist andfounding member of the Do-

mestic Harmony Committee.While groups including Nas-sau and Suffolk counties’ do-mestic violence agencies pro-vide emotional and legal re-sources, she said, “Muslimwomen were not accessingthese services successfully.”When they go to shelters, theycannot abide during Ramadan

or other holidays, for instance,due to dietary and culturalrestrictions, “so they go backhome and experience furtherabuse.”

In addition to seeking cultur-al support, Mamoor said, whenwomen call for help, “basicallythey want to know where andhow they should start. Where

should they go? And that’show we try to help.”

Jayakar-Ahmed, a native ofIndia, said, “we never tell themwhat to do. Leave the marriageor not. We help them under-stand why they are makingtheir decision. The bottom lineis empowerment in everysituation, not just in crisis.”

Violence in the familyDomestic violence is a pat-

tern of controlling behavior“that is unhealthy, sometimesfatal,” said Purvi Shah, execu-tive director of Sakhi, a Man-hattan-based domestic vio-lence service group that wascreated to address a criticalneed within New York’s largeSouth Asian immigrant popula-tion. “It’s not just physical orsexual assault but also econom-ic and financial abuse,” Shahsaid. “It may start with verbaland often escalates to otherkinds of violence.”

Violence against women is nomore or less prevalent amongSouth Asians or immigrantsthan in other cultures, she said.“It happens across communitiesand populations, but immigrantwomen have a harder time intheir journey to safety — wheth-er or not it means leaving anabusive relationship — becauseof their immigration status,language barriers, social isola-tion and lack of financial resourc-es.”

They also have less access tolegal and social services thanothers, Shah said, adding there islittle statistical data available onthe incidences of domesticviolence-related injuries andfatalities in the South Asiancommunity in New York.

Immigrant women tend tosuffer in silence because ofthe cultural stigma of shameand divorce in the communi-ty, said Sandeep KaurBathala, direct servicesdirector for Sakhi, whoalso is in charge of volun-teer training, staff supervi-sion and policy advoca-cy. A compoundingfactor is the extendedfamily setup, where it’snot just the partner butother family membersas well who perpetu-ate violence, she said.

Sandy’s sagaIt took a huge step

for Sandy (who didnot want her lastname used) to turnher life around,and Sakhi —

which means“woman friend” in

many South Asian languages —

See SHADOWS on G6

SHADOWSLILife

The obstaclesto help are high(and different)for South Asianwomen

PHOTO BY DHANRAJ EMANUEL

Purvi Shah, right, executive director of the women’s advocate group Sakhi, with communitymembers during a mela, or festival, last fall.

SAKHI PHOTO

A patch of a dupatta, created by a domestic violence survivor; it will be stitched together withother cloths decorated by women affiliated with Sakhi to illustrate their strengths.

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and its staff became more thanfriends in need.

When Sandy first met theman of her dreams at a charitydance in New Jersey in 2001, heswept her off her feet. But after afew weeks into her marriagethat year, she realized the manshe married was not the samewho had romanced her.

First came the verbal as-saults, harassing her aboutcooking, cleaning, chores andthe children from both of theirprevious marriages. Thencame the physical blows, saidSandy, who was born in Guya-na, reared in Trinidad, andlater moved to New York.

“The first time he hit me wasin March 2001. We were goingto go away for a vacation. Hesaid we can go away for a longdrive, but, before we left, mystepson was giving me a hardtime. So when he went to hisdad and told him, my husbandstarted screaming and yelling,and he hit me.”

Another time when she gothome after work, she said, “Hemade me sit in the kitchen chairtill 3 or 4 in the morning. If Ihave to go to the bathroom, no.If I have to get water, no. Hekept me home from work. . . .

“He beat me brutally. I had astab on my head. My whole facewas burst.”

That was the turning point forSandy, 37, of Queens, an assis-tant director at a doctor’s officein Manhattan. On the fourth day,she was allowed to return towork. “He said, ‘If you say any-thing to anybody then, when-ever you come back home I’mgonna cut your tongue out andpull your nails out, and you willnot be able to talk to the cops.’ ”

She said she covered up herbruises with makeup, butshowed her boss what herhusband did to her. “He said,‘You need to go to the policestation.’ ”

The police report she filedwas just the beginning of herlegal saga, which ended withher husband’s arrest. Herjourney to safety and rediscov-ering her self-worth has beenarduous, but she credits Sakhi,which she called in November2004, with her progress.

Now she calls herself a“fighter” and is helping put aface on domestic abuse bysharing her story at Sakhi-spon-sored marches and awarenessevents against violence.

A safe placeSakhi’s mission is two-fold,

said violence program advo-cate Fatma Zahra. It creates asafe place through supportand friendship — offering an

array of services for SouthAsian women, and it “encour-ages the community to helpstop violence againstwomen.”

Her self-esteem during theyears of abusive marriage was“zero,” Sandy said. She re-claimed her life and dignityafter accessing Sakhi’s servic-es. She started taking self-helpworkshops, health, yoga andjob skills classes and attendedsupport groups.

“I was a person helpingmyself. I had to build thatself-esteem back and powermyself up. When I did that, Isee I am a fighter. I am astrong person. Nobody cantake that away from me.”

Sakhi’s services includecrisis intervention such asassistance in accessing legalhelp, health services, publicbenefits and housing. At Sakhi,calls to its helpline have morethan tripled in the past fiveyears, said executive directorShah, due to increased aware-ness and outreach — not neces-sarily because the incidencesof violence are increasing.

It has an ongoing caseload ofabout 50, with 685 new requestsfor assistance in 2006. Not allnew calls for information orsupport turn into ongoing cases,Shah said. “Many people startwith getting information andthen wait to make a decision orcome to programming at a laterpoint. Everyone who calls Sakhigets referrals and information aswell as develops a safety planwith staff.” Sakhi’s funding, shesaid, comes from special events,foundation and corporategrants, government contractsand private donations. It has anoperating budget of less than$700,000, she said.

Need to educate communitySakhi takes the anti-domes-

tic abuse message to thestreets through marchesagainst violence, melas (festi-vals) and other events. Lastfall’s mela in Richmond Hillwas a celebration of life andfamily, as well as an occasionto educate the community,Shah said. “We want the com-munity to take charge.”

In December, Sakhi survi-vors and their children, volun-teers and staff started work ona patchwork dupatta. Eachperson decorated a swatch offabric to illustrate their ownstrength, passions or resil-ience. In the end, the pieceswill be sewn together to makea dupatta (a Hindi word).

Educating and “reaching outto the community is the mostimportant part” at the DomesticHarmony Committee, said Dr.Asma A. Ejaz, its chairwoman

and a psychiatrist.The youngest group mem-

ber is Zainab Ali, 25, a socialworker from East Meadow.Born and raised in the UnitedStates, Ali said she has “seenvery traumatic situations upclose and personal,” but “peo-ple think this never happensin the desi [South Asian]community. They don’t talkabout it.”

Because of her activism,

her parents, who representthe cultural view that abusedwomen shouldn’t reveal per-sonal issues, now have achanged perspective, shesaid.

With help from lawyers,Asma, whose spouse fled withtheir newborn son, obtained astate and federal warrant againsther husband. Her son was listedin the national database of miss-ing children. On Oct. 28, 2006,

the day her son turned a yearold, her husband was arrestedre-entering the United Stateswith their son. He is now out onbail and Asma has recovered herson.

Through her ordeal, Asma hasbeen resilient, passing her medi-cal boards and starting a newjob as a physician. She also hasfiled for divorce and is seekingcustody of her son.

Despite the uncertainties ofher case, she said, she knows shehas become stronger and moreconfident. As for Sandy, even asher divorce, custody and childsupport cases wend their waythrough the court system, shehas gone from victim to survi-vor to advocate.

“Nobody can walk in mylife and come and destroyme like what I acceptedbefore. It’s unacceptable. Asa woman, I have pride. Ihave dignity and I have ahigh self-esteem.”

SHADOWS from G4

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Facts and resources

Out of theshadows

Some shelters don’t work for

Muslim women during holidays due

to dietary and cultural restrictions,

‘so they go back home and

experience further abuse.’— Dr. Kushalata Jayakar-Ahmed,

a founding member of the

Domestic Harmony Committee

NEWSDAY PHOTO / BILL DAVIS

According to the FamilyViolence PreventionFund, based in SanFrancisco, a nonprofit

group that works to endviolence against women andchildren around the world,up to 3 million women arephysically abused annually byintimate partners in the Unit-ed States. Also, according toa recent study cited by thegroup:� In New York City, 51 per-cent of intimate partner homi-cide victims were foreign-born.� Married immigrant womenexperience higher levels ofphysical and sexual abusethan unmarried immigrantwomen, 59.5 percent com-pared to 49.8 percent, respec-tively.� Abusers often use theirpartners’ immigration status asa tool of control, forcing themto remain in the relationship.

More information on immi-grant women and domesticabuse is at endabuse.org, theFamily Violence PreventionFund site.

STUDY ON SOUTH ASIANSIn a 2002 study about vio-

lence against South Asianwomen, published in the Jour-nal of the American MedicalWomen’s Association, Dr.Anita Raj of Boston Universityand Dr. Jay Silverman of Har-vard University found:� Only 11 percent of those whosuffered or continue to sufferfrom domestic abuse pursuedsome form of counseling, and16 percent said they sometimesdeserve to be abused by theirmale partners.� 65 percent of the womenreporting physical abuse alsoreported sexual abuse, andalmost a third (30.4 percent) ofthose reporting sexual abusereported injuries, some requir-ing medical attention.� No significant differencewas found in the prevalence ofdomestic violence betweenarranged marriages and non-arranged marriages.

The study focused largelyon immigrant women fromIndia, Pakistan, Sri Lanka,Bangladesh and Nepal in theGreater Boston area.

RESOURCES� Sakhi

Helpline: 212-868-6741sakhi.org

� The Domestic HarmonyCommittee at The IslamicCenter of Long Island

24 hour hotline: 516-942-2081icliny.org/pages/page6.htm

� Turning Point, a community-based, nonprofit organizationaddressing the needs of Muslimwomen and children throughcrisis intervention, individualand group counseling, advocacy,outreach, education and train-ing.

Helpline: 718-883-9400turningpoint-ny.org

� Suffolk County CoalitionAgainst Domestic ViolenceHotline: 631-666-8833

sccadv.org� Nassau County CoalitionAgainst Domestic Violence

516-572-0700Hotline: 516-542-0404cadvnc.org

� National DomesticViolence Hotline:800-799-7233

ndvh.org — LEEMA THOMAS-JOSEPH

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