Friendship, Love & Commitment

Michael ItagakiSociology 275, Marriage and

Family

The Importance of Love Love is essential.

Love is both a feeling and an activity.

The paradox of love Perfection vs. Meaning

Love and American Families Foundation for marriage, criterion

for spousal selection. Character of love.

Love is the criterion for choosing a spouse.

Love is uncontrollable and irrational. Homogamy

The tendency to marry people much like oneself.

Friendship, Love and Commitment Friendship

Foundation for love and commitment Love

Draws people together, sustains them Commitment

Stable factors that maintain the relationship

Love and commitment are related, but can exist without the other.

Friendship, Love and Commitment Friendship and love bind us

together Best friends: similar to spouse and

lover relationships Lovers covet exclusiveness Friendship appears to be the

foundation for a strong love relationship.

Friendship, Love and Commitment Gender differences and love

Differences in number and nature of friendships

Men are more open in cross-sex friendships

Men fall in love more quickly than women

Friendship, Love and Commitment Gender exceptions: Love between

equals Peer marriage: Built on equity,

equality and deep friendship. Deep friendship

• Valuing companionship• Produces intimacy and mutual respect

Central Attributes of Love Trust Caring Honesty Friendship Respect Concern for the

other’s well-being

Loyalty Commitment Acceptance of

the other Supportiveness Wanting to be

with the other Interest in the

other

Central Attributes of Commitment Loyalty Responsibility Living up to your

word Faithfulness Trust Being there for the

other in good and bad times

Devotion Reliability Giving your

best effort Supportiveness Perseverance Concern about

the other’s well-being

Feelings Identifying Love

Rubin’s four feelings identifying love:

1. Caring for the other2. Needing the other3. Trusting the other4. Tolerating the other

Friendship, Love and Commitment Other Research on Love

Romantic love expressed by: Verbally/physically expressing affection Self disclosing Giving material/non-material evidence

In love? More positive world view

Behaviors Expressing LoveSwensen’s expressions of romantic love:1. Verbally expressing affection2. Self-disclosing, revealing intimate facts3. Offer emotional support4. Expressing nonverbal feelings

(happiness, etc…)5. Giving material evidence: gifts, favors6. Physically expressing love

Important Factors in Commitment

1. Balance of costs to benefits2. Normative inputs: Values about

love3. Structural constraints: Roles and

expectations

Observations, Research

on Commitment1. Commitments are more likely to

endure in marriage2. Commitments are more likely to

endure in heterosexual relationships3. Enduring marriage is not always a

happy one4. Overlap between love and

commitment

Wheel Theory of Love

Love develops and is maintained through four processes:

1. Rapport2. Self-revelation3. Mutual dependency4. Fulfillment of intimacy needs

Reiss’s Wheel Theory of Love

Triangular theory of love Views love as consisting of three

components: Intimacy

Ten Signs of Intimacy

1. Wanting to promote your partner’s welfare.

2. Feeling happiness with your partner.3. Holding your partner in high regard.4. Being able to count on your partner

in time of need.5. Being able to understand each other.

Ten Signs of Intimacy

6. Sharing yourself and your possessions with your partner.

7. Receiving emotional support from your partner.

8. Giving emotional support to your partner.

9. Being able to communicate with your partner about intimate things.

10. Valuing your partner’s presence in your life.

Triangular theory of love Views love as consisting of three

components: Intimacy Passion Decision/commitment

Triangular Theory of Love

Commitment, Passion, and Intimacy

Type Commitment Passion Intimacy

Liking - - +

Infatuation – + –

Empty love + – –

Romantic love – + +Companionate

love+ – +

Fatuous love + + –

Consummate love

+ + +

Attachment Theory of Love Views love as being similar in

nature to attachments we form as infants.

The attachment (love) styles of both infants and adults are: Secure Anxious/ambivalent Avoidant

Styles of Unrequited Love Cyrano style: Desire for a

relationship regardless of how hopeless. Anxious/ambivalents

Giselle style: Misperception that a relationship is likely to develop. Secure

Don Quixote style: Desire to be in love. Avoidants

Jealousy

Occurs because of a partner’s real, imagined, or likely involvement with a third person.

Most likely in committed relationships because of the presumed “specialness” of the relationship.

Fear of loss, coupled with insecurity, increases the likelihood of jealousy.