Friday, April 15, 2011

First of all, I would like to

congratulate the current Senior Student

Council on what was a truly fantastic

job. Their hard work, dedication, and

hilarious antics made the 2010-2011

school year one to remember!

The situation at Priory made a

groundbreaking change after the recent

student council elections. A gold mine of

hard workers and creative minds have

joined together to form nothing short of

an All-Star squad. However, the show

only begins here.

The bar is going to bet set higher

than ever before, incorporating the

younger STUCO members and the whole

school to reach success. We are fully

committed to doing the best job

possible, to go down in history as one of

the greatest student councils ever.

Our team

is not filled with people regretting the

burden placed on them, it is made up of

students who crave to do the hard work

we all at Priory depend on. Ted would

like to let everyone know that he is not a

star, but he’s got a chopper in the car.

We hope the school is prepared

for the upcoming wave of awesome.

There is only one major idea buzzing

through STUCO’s minds: Go Big or Go

Home. Laus Tibi Domine!

The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School since 1960Volume 41, Issue 23

The RecordFriday, April 15, 2011

Priory STUCO: The Revolution

Trevor Jin ’12Layout Editor

Welcome to your new Student Council for the 2011-2012 school year.

From Left: Trevor Jin, Jack Taiclet, Andrew Rhodes, Ted Tooley, Seve Esparrago

Friday, April 15, 2011Volume 41, Issue 23

UpdatesThe Record - The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School

The Brand New

Record Staff

Editor in Chief:

! Luke D. Slabaugh ’12

Layout Editor:

! Trevor Jin ’12

Content Editor:

!Jack O’Brien ’12

Faculty Moderator:

! Mr. Matthew Barrett

In this issue...

! Trevor Jin, ’12

! Brian Bucol, ’12

! Kyle Finnegan, ’12

! Colin Kopsky, ’12

! Mitchell Van Bree. ’13

! Jack O’Brien, ’12

! Carter Gage, ’12

! Xavier Bick ’12

! Luke D Slabaugh, ’12

! Daniel Stein, ’14

! Zach Weiss, ’11

! Jacob Martin, ’11

!

The Record is the official student publication of Saint Louis Priory School in St. Louis, Missouri. It is produced by student editors/staff members. Its purpose is threefold: to inform students of events in the community; to encourage discussion of local, national, and international issues; and to serve as a training ground for budding journalists, photographers, and graphic designers. The Record accepts contributions from all members o f the Pr iory community , including students, faculty, and alumni. The Record will not publish content considered legally unprotected speech, including but not limited to: libel, copyright infringement, or unwarranted invasion of privacy, or material disruption of the educational process. Student editors apply professional standards to the production of the newspaper and are solely responsible for all content, both explicit and implicit. Letters to the Editors are always appreciated. Feedback not intended for publication is also welcome.

The Record Disclaimer

Irish Invasion: Priory Welcomes New Students to Campus

Gucci Mane Tosses Woman Out of Vehicle

Last Friday morning Radric Davis a.k.a. Gucci

Mane was looking for something to do in

Atlanta, Georgia. He saw a girl in the mall and

decided to pick her up. Gucci then offered to

take her out to breakfast, an offer you cannot

deny. After breakfast, he asked her while

driving if she would “hang out with him for the

night” offering $150 if she accepted. However,

she said no. Hearing this, he went on a

rampage. He reached across the woman with

his hands and opened the passenger door.

Then at once he shoved the woman out of the

moving car, not stopping for anything.

Unsurprisingly, Gucci was caught by

the police. He is now in DeKalb County Jail in

Atlanta. He has a $40,562 bail but is incapable

of paying it. Gucci is charged with a

misdemeanor battery charge. This is not his

first time to jail, he served 6 months for assault

and was charged with murder. However, the

charge of murder was dropped for inadequate

evidence. He is expected to face further charges

for violating the terms of his probation.

Kyle Finnegan ’12Current Events Reporter

You may have noticed

some Irish exchange students

running around our school

recently. Peter Forshaw,

David Fournie and I had the

pleasure of meeting Breandan

“Luigi” Mcgrory and Michael

“The Beaver” Boyce over

spring break in the small

town of Letterkenny, Ireland.

I can assure you, they are

enjoying their stay here as we

did in Ireland (excluding

Dave’s flippant reaction to the

a i r p l a n e ' s

“ c o f f e e ” ) .

Underclassmen

Hugh Cole and

Wyatt Gill host

t h e s e n e w s t u d e n t s ,

respectively. Priory’s Irish

exchange program with

C o l á i s t e

Ailigh, its Irish

counterpart,

has existed for

several years

and hopefully

will see many

more to come.

When I asked

Breandan and

Michael what their favorite

part of the USA was, they

responded frankly, “Steak n’

Shake, because it’s not in

Ireland.” In addition to

attending classes at Priory,

the boys avidly participate in

the rugby team's practices.

They plan on seeing the

rest of the city of St.

Louis, with several fun

stops such as Six Flags,

even more Steak n’

Shake, and lots of

“good crack”, as they

say in Ireland.

Brian Bucol ’12Irish Ambassador

Weekly Lunches4/18 - 4/22

Monday, 4/18Soft Tacos

Tuesday, 4/19Hot Roast Beef on Hoagie

Wednesday, 4/27Chicken Parmesan

Sorry Gucci, it’s actually not OK.

3. Tiger is back…for now. Tiger Woods was the biggest surprise for me this past week. Although he did not play that great on Saturday, we saw some classic Tiger on Sunday. He was -5 for the day and ended up with a T5. In an interview after his round he

said, “I played well today, I think that my

swing is starting to get back on track.” He later said, “I’m going to go eat, I’m starving.” So, Tiger thought he has been playing better and that he is really hungry. Look for him to start contending in most tournaments now, close to what he used to do.

2. Rory McIlroy will be #1 at some point in his career. What we saw from him for the first 3 days at Augusta was incredible. First, we saw a bogey-free 65. Then, we saw him only make 3 bogeys combined on Friday and Saturday. Unfortunately, things did not go so well on Sunday. McIlroy shot an 80 and finished at -4 for

the tournament and T15. After seeing his final-round 62 last year to win his first tournament, I knew McIlroy would be a great player. This kid has the talent and determination to be the best in the

world, so do not be surprised if you see him with the Green Jacket next year.

1. The U.S. is falling behind in golf. In a sport once dominated by Americans, we are now falling behind to the international golfers. Currently, an

American does not have a Major to defend. The last 4 Majors have been won by 2 South Africans, an Irishman, and a German. If the U.S. wants to reclaim its spot as the top golfing nation, there needs to be more American golfers than just Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson to contend every week. Look for players like young gun Rickie Fowler, fellow Oklahoma State Cowboy Hunter

Mahan, and veteran Matt Kuchar to step up in the near future.

Also, congratulations to Charl Schwartzel on his first PGA Tour victory.


EntertainmentThe Record - The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School

Adjustment Bureau Movie Review

Sometimes we may all wonder to

ourselves, do we really have free will?

Adjustment Bureau tries to tap into the

thoughts of this pressing

topic by following an up and

coming politician David

Norris (Matt Damon). He

meets a woman (Emily

Blunt) that takes his heart

away as if they were meant

to be. Unfortunately for

him, this is not according to

plan. The organization of

strange men in suits and

fancy hats are not pleased.

This is not what he is meant

to do. He must forget he

ever saw her.

This is a unique idea, something

that we are frothing at the mouth for in

these days filled with Justin Bieber

movies and money-grabbing sequels.

Inception soared on a surfboard of

success because of it. Thankfully, a new,

relatively untapped idea is provided in

this movie also. To an audience so used

to making their decisions for themselves,

it’s refreshing to know that the creepy

guy in the suit next to you in the subway

made you spill your coffee.

The movie definitely doesn’t rest

on these

l a u r e l s ,

receiving

q u a l i t y

a c t i n g

from Matt

D a m o n

w h o

k n o w s

how to be

o n t h e

run like a

b o s s

( T r u e

Grit, All the Bourne Movies, Green Zone,

etc.). Let’s be honest, he can’t be

stopped. The plot movement is perfectly

paced and every scene is meaningful.

The fact that men with supernatural

powers controlling us actually seems like

a normal and plausible possibility

throughout the movie, which is part of

the magic it casts over an audience.

Truly, there isn’t anything bad to say

about this movie...except one thing.

The ending is awful. I won’t

“spoil” it for you, but then again you

can’t spoil what is already spoiled.

Adjustment Bureau was so close to being

a mega-hit to start off the new movie

season (like Inception was), but it fell

flat on its face. The fact that it still

receives such good ratings is a testament

to how good the rest of the movie is. I

highly recommend seeing the movie for

anyone, with anyone, anytime.

Things We Learned at the 2011 Masters

Trevor Jin ’12Layout Editor

Quick Review Pros: Innovative Idea, Great Acting,

! Well Made Cinematically

Cons: A Terrible Ending

Who Should See It? Anyone.

Is It Worth Seeing? Definitely.

Colin Kopsky ’12Staff Writer



Sudoku Madness

- Abraham Maslow

Cryptogram

Easy Medium

Hard Evil



Crossword Puzzle

12 Differences

OpinionsThe Record - The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School


I Hate the Radio

If you are anything like me, you have said “I hate the radio!” at least once

in your life. For me, it is a daily practice. I sit with one hand on the seek button

and skip through all the stations (always seeming to be on commercial breaks)

multiple times until a tolerable song comes on. Unfortunately, I have lost all

hope in the local radio stations. I have listened to them all and have concluded

that they all have major faults. I wish I could recommend a best station to you,

but no station deserves this honor. Instead, I will merely explain why every

major (Keyword: major. Nobody listens to 88.1) station in the Lou sucks, and let

you decide which is best.

Z 1 0 7 . 7 - The Z thinks

i t ’ s t h e c o o l e s t

s t a t i o n around. It’s

a s t a t i o n devoted to

m o d e r n popular hits

(and let me just add that

a l l S T L stations are

m o n t h s behind the

pop music curve). You probably already know the

problem with this station. It’s a lot like Mr. Miller but with music: they play the

same songs over and over and over again! Look at the iTunes top ten from two

months ago and then add in the top 3 songs from now. If you want to hear

those songs and nothing but those songs, this is your station! Every now and then

they’ll try to throw in a “good old classic,” but the song is not old enough to be

nostalgic (it’ll be some song from like a year ago that was sort of popular), so you

end up asking “why are they playing this?” Overall, Z107.7 is great at playing

mind numbing pop hits till you can’t tell the difference between them anymore.

Y98.1 – This station wishes it were as cool as Z107.7 but knows it isn’t. They play pretty much the same stuff as “Z” but try to diversify by expanding their playlist a little bit. However, the non-billboard topping songs they play are hit-or-miss (usually a big miss). The other weird thing they’ll do is pick a less popular chart-topping song and play that repeatedly instead of picking a more popular one (they recently did this with “Animal” by Neon Trees). If you’re going to abuse a song, at least pick a really good one! Basically, Y98.1 tries to be a more diverse Z107.7 but fails to completely leave “Z’s” shadow. Also, the songs they use to try to diversify usually aren’t good.

105.7 The Point – Commercials with limited musical interruptions.

106.5 The Arch –

This station claims to play all the “70s and

80s hits!” Here’s the problem: the 70s and

80s are completely different! “That was

The Who! And now Devo!” That doesn’t

work! Although they do play some pretty

good songs from both eras, their lack of

commercials actually hurts them because

they basically end up p l a y i n g t e r r i b l e ,

cheesy 80s songs that you’ve never even heard of to fill the time.

104.1 - I don’t know the actual name of

this station, I just know it as 104.1 (pronounced: One O Fo’ Point One). I am

not in a very good position to bash this one because I don’t frequently listen to it.

However, from what I’ve heard, it plays all the new rap and R&B hits. However,

they definitely have favorites (recently it’s been Lil Wayne). From what I’ve

gathered, it’s the Z-107.7 of rap: abuse the favorites then throw in random old songs.

Country Stations: I am putting all the

country stations into a mass grouping

because the fault with these stations is the music they play. I am not saying

country music is terrible. “Country music” is not even “country” anymore!

It’s pop or rock with a violin and a singer with an accent. Those things don’t

automatically qualify the song to be country. That’d be like saying that a Sitar

automatically makes rock music into Indian music. These stations are bad

because they lie to you! I haven’t heard any Johnny Cash on those stations at all

recently.

Fresh 102.5 – Delilah.

KSHE 95 (94.7) – The station that used to be huge has lost its thunder. It plays

rock music but has too much variety. “Rock” is too broad. Therefore, most

people will only like a small percentage of the songs they play. They’ll play a classic

rock song, then a death metal song. Most people will love one and hate the other.

In addition, KSHE plays a ton of songs nobody’s ever heard of.

K-Hits 96.3 – It claims to play “all the

classic hits” but basically plays cheesy 80s songs and throws in a good one every

now and then.

KLOU 103.3 - Same problem as K-Hits.

Gen-X 100.3 – At first you’re like “Sweet 90s songs from when I was a kid!”

or “I used to love this song!” but you eventually realize that the good ones are

far and few between. They have some serious favorites (especially Tone-Loc)

and like to play them all too often. Plus they throw in extra bad 80s songs as a

bonus! Basically you’ll find a good one every now and then but you’ll mostly hear

songs you’ve never heard in your life (and there’s a reason: they are terrible songs

and have never gotten any serious air-time, even in the 90s).

This is solely my factual opinion on these stations. Take it for what it’s worth.

Mitchell Van Bree ’13Opinion Writer


Social CommentaryThe Record - The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School

For those of you familiar with the

Webster Groves area, you must know

it's quite nice. It's a very quaint suburb,

and there's always an ice cream shop

open. It seems like the perfect place to

settle down and raise your children. For

those of you who still think that: You

are wrong. Webster

Groves has gone

to the theoretical

t o i l e t . O n c e a

place of prosperity

w h e r e t i n y

children wandered

the streets and set

u p l e m o n a d e

s t a n d s f r e e o f

charge, Webster

has become a

dark, dark place. What used to be a

beautiful place has met its downfall.

Still, I could have ignored all of this. I

don't associate with many of the local

students in Webster, but the new breed

of Webster residents who moved in

across the street ruined my home

forever. They were simply cutting down

the only tree in their yard, but, instead

of cutting it down completely, they left

the bottom 15 feet. Those 15 feet were

then carved into a Gargoyle. I repeat: a

Gargoyle, and an ugly one at that.

Drugs may have made Webster Groves

residents look l ike a bunch of

delinquents, but at least we weren't

ugly. Now my hick neighbors went and

ruined it all for us. I grew up in a

beautiful place, but now my home has

been defiled. First the lack of lemonade,

and now Gargoyles as lawn ornaments.

There is no stopping us now.

Webster Groves Has Met Its Demise

Carter Gage ’12Beat Reporter

Serial Killer in NY

On one of the most serious notes this

paper has seen in quite a while, a

horrifying and potentially historic story

is developing in New York, specifically

along the coast of Long Island. Last

December, a search started when

Shannan Gilbert, a 24-year-old woman

from New Jersey, went missing. This

search resulted in the discovery of 4

female bodies all tossed into a ditch on

the side of the road. These women were,

for lack of a more appropriate term,

ladies of the evening (if you don't catch

my drift, look it up). While their choice

of lifestyle is not exactly condonable,

their fates are nothing less than absolute

tragedies. Ms. Gilbert was not identified

among these bodies. This is the final

description of her known whereabouts:

Ms. Gilbert had been visiting a seaside

home in the Oak Beach area in the early

morning hours of May 1. Gus Coletti, 76,

was one of the last people to see her

alive. He was at home, shaving, shortly

before 5 a.m.

"I hear somebody screaming

and bang-bang on the door," he said. "I

opened the door, and she stood right

there. I said, 'What's the matter?' And

she kept saying 'Help me.'”

When he dialed 911, she ran. "She took

off, and that was the last I saw her," he

said.

Since December, 4 other sets of remains

have been discovered within a small

radius of the first discovery, all next to a

road that runs along the beach-line.

Though it is not certain any of these

cases are connected, Long Island and

New York State police are fairly certain

all the bodies are the work of a singular

killer. The latest report of this case, on

April 6, announced the findings of 3 new

sets of bones (making the previous total

of 5 go to 8). Though this story sounds

like a cool mystery out of a detective

show such as Criminal Minds or. CSI,

these findings are not from T.V; they are

very horrifically real. “The reality”,

police said, “is that there are probably

numerous bodies still undiscovered out

here, that we may never find. Still, we

will continue our probe of these areas

and try to turn up as much evidence as

possible.” On a more hopeful note,

Shannan Gilbert's mother remains

hopeful. ""If it wasn't for my daughter,

these bodies never would have been

found," she said. "Everyone has their

destiny, maybe this was hers. I'm still

hoping she comes home." So, especially

in this time of Lent, please extend your

prayers to all these families suffering

this cruel injustice, especially to Mrs.

Gilbert, that her daughter may come

home.

Jack O’Brien ’12Content Editor

By Xavier Bick ’12

SportsThe Record - The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School


Luke D Slabaugh ’12Editor in Chief

Tuesday played host to

the heroics of senior outfielder

Brendan Mulqueeny, who

blasted a two-run triple in the

sixth inning against Whitfield.

Down 3-2 and after third

baseman Brendan Thomas

walked and freshman Dan

Watson was hit by a pitch,

Mulqueeny (affectionately

called Slaps by his teammates)

followed through in the clutch

by launching a ball over the

center fielder’s head to give the

Rebels the lead. Marc Dunbar

and Nick Thompson both

followed with missiles to the

Warrior infielders, who in turn

mishandled them and allowed

three more runs to cross the

plate. Priory sealed the game

with a 7-3 win, a deserved

reward for workhorses Andy

Schwartz and Joey Heitz, who

continue to dazzle hitters with

their respective repertoires of

pitches.

On Wednesday, the

Rebels did not see the same

luck. The bats failed to come

alive in a 7-0 loss to Lutheran

St. Charles. The game saw a

stellar performance by starting

pitcher Jack Schwartz. A

junior, Schwartz allowed only

two runs through his first six

innings, with those two coming

in the very f irst inning.

Cougars starter Lucas Swindle

went the d is tance for a

complete game shutout. While

not a deceptive pitcher by any

means, the freshman hurler

was around the plate the entire

game, only allowing two walks

l a t e i n t h e g a m e . H i s

p e r f o r m a n c e c a u g h t t h e

aggressive Rebel hitters off-

guard, resulting in many pop

ups.

The Orchard Farms

E a g l e s p r o v i d e d d e c e n t

competition on Thursday

afternoon, but the Rebels were

also up to the challenge,

pulling out a 5-2 victory. The

Rebels jumped out to an early

lead when leadoff hitter David

Nogalski ripped a double into

left field and scored on two

consecutive wild pitches. Kevin

Ludwig delivered another

masterpiece on the mound,

allowing no runs through his

first five innings. However,

terror struck in the sixth when

the Eagles strung together a

walk, a couple of hits, and took

advantage of a dropped fly ball

in the outfield to knot it up at

2-2. The Rebels responded

with a scorching top of the

seventh: a mishandled

sacrifice bunt laid down by

junior Luke Slabaugh loaded

the bases. A wild pitch, a

perfectly executed hit-and-run

by Dan Watson and a sac fly by

Brendan Thomas sent three

runs across the plate.

Hopefully, the rain will

avoid the Rebels’ final match

for the tournament. After

Friday, the Rebels (4-6) have

13 more regular season games.

If they can create a consistent

offense to compliment their

top-notch pitching staff and its

ameliorating defense, the

Rebels will be a lethal threat in

the eyes of the ABC League.

Varsity Baseball Competes in WCA Tournament

The beginning of the

season for Junior Varsity

baseball has been filled with

trials and

tribulations, to say the least.

Wins have not been coming

by easily for the Jr. Rebels,

who have recorded only one

win to date. However, the

first few weeks of this term

have been filled with positive

points as well, which suggest

the squad shows promise for

the future. The season began

with a game against Ladue,

when, despite a solid effort

from starting pitcher Mitch

Van Bree, the offense and

defense failed to back him up.

Later that week, Charlie

Lohmann threw a no hitter,

but the Jr. Rebels fell to

Duschene by a score of 1-0.

Three games later, the squad

jumped out of the loss

column with a tie against

MICDS. That performance

was topped earlier this week,

w h e n D r e w C a l l a h a n

provided a two-RBI clutch hit

that would lift the team to an

e x t r a - i n n i n g w i n o v e r

Whitfield.

O t h e r t h a n

Lohmann's no-no against

Duschene, highlights of the

early season include Tristan

Hellmuth’s 3-run home run,

which he effortlessly dropped

just over the 315 foot sign at

Whitfield. Brian Vaporean

revealed his true grit and

passion for the game when he

lowered his shoulder and fell

on top of the MICDS catcher

in a close play at home plate.

He was thrown out of the

game, and his cheer-leading

abilities proved to be key in

energizing the team to their

victory. Peter Cogan has

played stellar defense at

shortstop, and looks to

continue his

d o m i n a n c e e a t i n g u p grounders. C a p t a i n s C h r i s Pilcher, Brian Vaporean, and (at times) freshman Michael Herman do their best to keep the club focused. Herman seems especially gifted in this aspect of the game, but

sometimes finds himself too busy talking to umpires and throwing runners out, mostly at the same time. Spencer Wright (aka Mariano Rivera) has been keeping his arm fresh this season, itching for achance to show his gas in late i n n i n g r e l i e f . M o s t importantly, Coaches Oberle

and Griesbauer are showing the kids the ropes to play the game of baseball . After throwing hundreds of wiffle balls in the Corley Gym and hitting ground ball after ground ball, improvement is obviously showing. And maybe, just maybe, one day someone might catch one of

Dr. G’s ground balls, which regularly soar 30 feet off theground. Look for the club to progress even more next week, with home games against Whitfield on Monday, J o h n B u r r o u g h s o n Wednesday, and Lutheran South on Thursday.

Daniel Stein ’14Sports Writer

Junior Varsity Baseball Update

SatireThe Record - The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis


I would like to congratulate my vast readership on almost making it through another Lent season. I know some o f y o u , i n y o u r a b s e n t m i n d e d n e s s ,

probably went to the butcher and bought his finest piece of meat, marinated it, seasoned it, and finally grilled it, but did not realize it was a Friday until that last succulent piece of Filet Mignon was slipping away down (or in a friend’s case, getting stuck

in) your sinful gullet. But fear not, dear reader, you still have two more Fridays t o r e d e e m yourself, and it’s as easy as a trip to your n e a r e s t Hardee’s.

F a r superior to t h e F i l e t O ’ F i s h o r w h a t e v e r McFish knockoff Burger King serves up, Hardee’s offers a large and delicious meal referred to only as “Fish n’ Chips.” Like

everything Hardee’s does, this thing is huge, and will easily fill up anyone who has b e e n f a s t i n g a n d i s interested in eating their only full meal of the day. I also lied about the delicious part. Hardee’s Fish n’ Chips is really just edible, but still more so than the McFish

and its counterparts. At its low, low price it is easily the best Lenten selection on any fast food menu.

At this point some of you may be asking, “O wise and beneficent Z.W.R. Weiss, what about Taco Bell and Five Guys? Sure, the Hardee’s Fish n’ Chips are the bee’s knees, but Taco

Bell Shrimp Tacos are delicious, and I have heard that Five Guys has an excellent veggie burger!” True as those things may be, dear reader, let’s take a look at the facts. None of the items on Taco Bell’s menu have meat in them, this is a fact that has been proven by

lawyers, who, I should mention, are 2.5 times as

reliable as scientists. That being said, I really don’t feel like eating whatever it is that Australian guy who runs Taco Bell claims to be shrimp (synthetic dingo?). Also, Five Guys is expensive.

Really expensive. A good meal there could cost you well over $10. So that being said, eat Fish n’ Chips. Oh, and talk to me if you want to take over writing a similar op-ed series next year.

Lorem Ipsum

Zach Weiss ’11Staff Writer

Grinds My Gears

Jacob Martin ’11Staff Writer

Gentlemen, I am back, and this time I am literally covered in vomit. Not your standard, run-of-the-mill vomit, either. Rage vomit. The hippies are at it again, but this time in a different way. They've not spouted off nonsense about not

eating things that used to be adorable (I find the filet is more mignon when it's been thoroughly killed anyway), but instead the modern, wealthy hippie has given its pet the rights of man. You know, gentlemen, what really grinds my gears? You may have fallen out of practice in giving the answer to this question as I have not found the need to ask

it for several weeks, but today I say to you this: schnauzers. The only dog that actually grows a plaid sweater-vest instead of fur, the schnauzer is the most wretched mistake of breeding in the history of mankind. No one has ever met a schnauzer they didn't hate, but most people are simply too polite to admit that. No more shall that

be problematic, for I find myself willing, even eager, to take the stand against these veritable wounds on the body of what we call dogs. What prompted my vomit-inducing anger is the following incident. There is a woman who is audacious enough to live on my street, and I am excessively

disappointed to have the burden of calling her my neighbor. How does she usurp the resources of my land, you ask? She allows her schnauzers to conduct business upon it. Every forty minutes, the schnauzers of war drag her the half block down the street to my yard, and every forty minutes they loiter there for yet another forty minutes while my own

dogs, dogs who aren't the worst abomination man has put upon this earth (including nuclear weapons, pollutants, and the music enjoyed by

today's teens), bark with their respectable dog voices, and rightfully so, at these horrid little plaid-encrusted rats in leashes and I am left simply praying for a large bird to come along and take one out of my sight forever. The important part of

this is that this monumentally ignorant woman is literally being dragged by a pair of schnauzers. The upper-body strength of the fairer sex

may not be quite equal to our own, dear readers, but no one, not even the blinded and shorn husk of Samson's former glory, can be overpowered by two schnauzers. As I pray in vain for a falcon to swoop upon this most wretched foe of mine,

I cannot help but to allow my anger to spray forth from my mouth, all over my neighbor, in the form of vomit and hate-speak. Perhaps she doesn't understand. Perhaps in her world it is considered polite to vomit on someone while screaming obscenities in an incomprehensible language. Alas, I shall never know. And that, gentlemen, is what grinds

my gears.

THE RECORD - The Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School

500 S. Mason Road, Creve Coeur, MO 63141 314.434.3690 ext. 221 [email protected]

Editor in Chief: Luke D. Slabaugh, ’12 Layout Editor: Trevor Jin, ’12 Content Editor: Jack O’Brien, ’12 Moderator: Matthew L. Barrett

The Record WeeklyThe Official Student Publication of the Saint Louis Priory School


Queens of the Stone Age played a live set at The Pageant on Tuesday, April 5. It was the first time the hard rock band had visited St. Louis since its Lollapalooza sideshow in 2006, and first small venue date since its show at Vintage Vinyl in 2000. It was a miraculous 17-song gig. Full review to come next week!- Luke D Slabaugh and Joseph O’Sullivan

© Jack Ciapciak

mailto:[email protected]

mailto:[email protected]

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Friday, April 15, 2011