Forgiveness and Reconciliation 2...Forgiveness and Reconciliation 2.0 Light University 3 The American Association of Christian Counselors • Represents the largest organized membership

Forgivenessand

Reconciliation2.0

P.O.Box739•Forest,VA24551•1-800-526-8673•www.AACC.net

ForgivenessandReconciliation2.0

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WelcometoLightUniversityandthe“ForgivenessandReconciliation2.0”programofstudy.Our prayer is that you will be blessed by your studies and increase your effectiveness inreaching out to others. We believe you will find this program to be academically sound,clinicallyexcellentandbiblically-based.Our faculty represents some of the best in their field – including professors, counselors andministers who provide students with current, practical instruction relevant to the needs oftoday’sgenerations.We have alsoworked hard to provide youwith a program that is convenient and flexible –givingyoutheadvantageof“classroominstruction”onlineandallowingyoutocompleteyourtrainingonyourowntimeandscheduleinthecomfortofyourhomeoroffice.Thetestmaterialcanbefoundatwww.lightuniversity.comandmaybetakenopenbook.Onceyouhavesuccessfullycompletedthetest,whichcoverstheunitswithinthiscourse,youwillbeawardedacertificateofcompletionsignifyingyouhavecompletedthisprogramofstudy.Thank you for your interest in this program of study. Our prayer is that you will grow inknowledge,discernment,andpeople-skillsthroughoutthiscourseofstudy.Sincerely,

RonHawkinsDean,LightUniversity


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TheAmericanAssociationofChristianCounselors

• Represents the largestorganizedmembership (nearly50,000)ofChristian counselorsandcaregiversintheworld,havingjustcelebratedits25thanniversaryin2011.

• Known for its top-tier publications (Christian Counseling Today, the Christian CounselingConnectionandChristianCoachingToday),professionalcredentialingopportunitiesofferedthroughtheInternationalBoardofChristianCare(IBCC),excellenceinChristiancounselingeducation, an arrayof broad-based conferences and live training events, radioprograms,regulatoryandadvocacyeffortsonbehalfofChristianprofessionals,apeer-reviewedEthicsCode, and collaborative partnerships such as Compassion International, the NationalHispanic Christian Leadership Conference and Care Net (to name a few), the AACC hasbecomethefaceofChristiancounselingtoday.

• With the needed vision and practical support necessary, the AACC helped launch the

International Christian Coaching Association (ICCA) in 2011, which now represents thelargest Christian life coaching organization in the world with over 2,000 members andgrowing.

OurMission

The AACC is committed to assisting Christian counselors, the entire “community of care,”licensedprofessionals,pastors,and laychurchmemberswith littleorno formal training. It isourintentiontoequipclinical,pastoral,andlaycaregiverswithbiblicaltruthandpsychosocialinsights that minister to hurting persons and helps them move to personal wholeness,interpersonalcompetence,mentalstability,andspiritualmaturity.


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OurVision

TheAACC’svisionhastwocriticaldimensions:First,wedesiretoservetheworldwideChristianChurch by helping foster maturity in Christ. Secondly, we aim to serve, educate, and equip1,000,000 professional clinicians, pastoral counselors, and lay helpers throughout the nextdecade.WearecommittedtohelpingtheChurchequipGod’speopletoloveandcareforoneanother.We recognize Christian counseling as a unique form of Christian discipleship, assisting thechurch in its call to bring believers to maturity in the lifelong process of sanctification—ofgrowingtomaturityinChristandexperiencingabundantlife.Werecognizesomearegiftedtodosointhecontextofaclinical,professionaland/orpastoralmanner.Wealsobelieveselected laypeoplearecalledtocareforothersandthattheyneedtheappropriatetrainingandmentoringtodoso.WebelievetheroleofthehelpingministryintheChurchmustbesupportedbythreestrongcords:thepastor,thelayhelper,andtheclinicalprofessional.ItistothesethreerolesthattheAACCisdedicatedtoserve(Ephesians4:11-13).

OurCoreValues

InthenameofChrist,theAmericanAssociationofChristianCounselorsabidesbythefollowingvalues:

VALUE1:OURSOURCEWearecommittedtohonorJesusChristandglorifyGod,remainingflexibleandresponsivetotheHolySpiritinallthatHehascalledustobeanddo.VALUE2:OURSTRENGTHWearecommittedtobiblicaltruths,andtoclinicalexcellenceandunityinthedeliveryofallourresources,services,trainingandbenefits.VALUE3:OURSERVICEWeare committed toeffectivelyandcompetently serve the communityof careworldwide—bothourmembership and the churchat large—withexcellenceand timeliness, andbyover-deliveryonourpromises.VALUE4:OURSTAFFWearecommittedtovalueandinvestinourpeopleaspartnersinourmissiontohelpotherseffectivelyprovideChrist-centeredcounselingandsoulcareforhurtingpeople.VALUE5:OURSTEWARDSHIPWe are committed to profitably steward the resourcesGod gives to us in order to continueservingtheneedsofhurtingpeople.


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LightUniversity• Establishedin1999undertheleadershipofDr.TimClinton—hasnowseennearly200,000

students from around the world (including lay caregivers, pastors and chaplains, crisisresponders,lifecoaches,andlicensedmentalhealthpractitioners)enrollincoursesthataredelivered via multiple formats (live conference and webinar presentations, video-basedcertificationtraining,andastate-of-theartonlinedistanceteachingplatform).

• Thesepresentations,courses,andcertificateanddiplomaprograms,offeroneofthemostcomprehensive orientations to Christian counseling anywhere. The strength of LightUniversity is partially determined by its world-class faculty—over 150 of the leadingChristianeducators,authors,mentalhealthcliniciansandlifecoachingexpertsintheUnitedStates. This core groupof facultymembers represents a literal “Who’sWho” inChristiancounseling. No other university in the world has pulled together such a diverse andcomprehensivegroupofprofessionals.

• Educational and training materials cover over 40 relevant core areas in Christian—

counseling, lifecoaching,mediation,andcrisis response—equippingcompetentcaregiversand ministry leaders who are making a difference in their churches, communities, andorganizations.

OurMissionStatement

TotrainonemillionBiblicalCounselors,ChristianLifeCoaches,andChristianCrisisRespondersbyeducating,equipping,andservingtoday’sChristianleaders.

AcademicallySound•ClinicallyExcellent•DistinctivelyChristian


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Video-basedCurriculum

• UtilizesDVDpresentations that incorporateover 150 of the leading Christian educators,authors,mentalhealthclinicians,andlifecoachingexpertsintheUnitedStates.

• Eachpresentationisapproximately50-60minutesinlengthandmostareaccompaniedbyacorrespondingtext(inoutlineformat)anda10-questionexaminationtomeasurelearningoutcomes.Therearenearly1,000uniquepresentationsthatareavailableandorganizedinvariouscourseofferings.

• Learning is self-directed and pacing is determined according to the individual time

parameters/scheduleofeachparticipant.• With the successful completion of each program course, participants receive an official

Certificate of Completion. In addition to the normal Certificate of Completion that eachparticipant receives, Regular and Advanced Diplomas in Biblical Counseling are alsoavailable.

Ø TheRegularDiploma isawardedbytakingCaringForPeopleGod’sWay,BreakingFreeandoneadditionalElectiveamongtheavailableCoreCourses.

Ø TheAdvancedDiplomaisawardedbytakingCaringForPeopleGod’sWay,BreakingFree,andanythreeElectivesamongtheavailableCoreCourses.

Credentialing

• LightUniversitycourses,programs,certificatesanddiplomasarerecognizedandendorsedbytheInternationalBoardofChristianCare(IBCC)anditsthreeaffiliateBoards:theBoardofChristianProfessional&PastoralCounselors(BCPPC);theBoardofChristianLifeCoaching(BCLC);andtheBoardofChristianCrisis&TraumaResponse(BCCTR).

• Credentialing is a separateprocess from certificate or diploma completion.However, theIBCC accepts Light University and Light University Online programs as meeting theacademic requirements for credentialing purposes. Graduates are eligible to apply forcredentialinginmostcases.

Ø Credentialinginvolvesanapplication,attestation,andpersonalreferences.

Ø CredentialrenewalsincludeContinuingEducationrequirements,re-attestation,andoccureitherannuallyorbienniallydependingonthespecificBoard.


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OnlineTesting

TheURLfortakingallquizzesforthiscourseis:http://www.lightuniversity.com/my-account/.

• TOLOGINTOYOURACCOUNT

Ø You should have received an email upon checkout that included your username,password,andalinktologintoyouraccountonline.

• MYDASHBOARDPAGE

Ø Once registered, youwill see theMyDVD Course Dashboard link by placing yourmousepointerovertheMyAccountmenuinthetopbarofthewebsite.Thispagewill includestudentPROFILE informationand theREGISTEREDCOURSES forwhichyouareregistered.TheLOG-OUTandMYDASHBOARDtabswillbeinthetoprightofeachscreen.Clickingonthe>nexttothecoursewilltakeyoutothecoursepagecontainingthequizzes.

• QUIZZES

Ø Simplyclickonthefirstquiztobegin.• PRINTCERTIFICATE

Afterallquizzesaresuccessfullycompleted,a“PrintYourCertificate”buttonwillappearnearthetopofthecoursepage.YouwillnowbeabletoprintoutaCertificateofCompletion.Yournameandthecourseinformationarepre-populated.ContinuingEducationThe AACC is approved by the American Psychological Association (APA) to offer continuingeducationforpsychologists.TheAACCisaco-sponsorofthistrainingcurriculumandaNationalBoard of Certified Counselors (NBCC)ApprovedContinuing Education Provider (ACEPTM). TheAACC may award NBCC approved clock hours for events or programs that meet NBCCrequirements.TheAACCmaintainsresponsibilityforthecontentofthistrainingcurriculum.TheAACCalsoofferscontinuingeducationcreditforplaytherapiststhroughtheAssociationforPlayTherapy (APT Approved Provider #14-373), so long as the training element is specificallyapplicabletothepracticeofplaytherapy.It remains the responsibility of each individual to be aware of his/her state licensure andContinuing Education requirements. A letter certifying participation will be mailed to thoseindividuals who submit a Continuing Education request and have successfully completed allcourserequirements.


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Presentersfor

Forgivenessand

Reconciliation2.0


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PresenterBiographiesGaryChapman,Ph.D.,seekstofulfillhiscalltotheministryasapastor,speaker,andauthor.Hespeaksextensively throughout theUnitedStatesand internationallyonmarriage, family, andrelationships.ThegovernmentofSingaporeinvitedhimtopresenthismarriageseminarthereandtheChaplain’sOfficeofNATOissuedaspecial invitationforDr.ChapmantospeaktotheNATOforcesinGermany.OtherengagementshavetakenhimtoEngland,Africa,SaudiArabia,Turkey,Mexico andHongKong. Sales exceeding fivemillion copies earnedhim thePlatinumBookAwardfromtheEvangelicalPublishersAssociationforTheFiveLoveLanguages,whichhasbeentranslatedintooverthirty-sixlanguages.Twenty-sevenotherbooksandfivevideoseriesarealsoamonghispublications.Onthehomefront,Dr.ChapmanisSeniorAssociatePastorofCalvaryBaptistChurch inWinston-Salem,NorthCarolina.Heandhiswife,Karolyn,have twoadultchildrenandtwograndchildren.Eric Scalise, Ph.D., is the former Vice President for Professional Development with theAmericanAssociationofChristianCounselors,aswellasacurrentconsultantandtheirSeniorEditor.HeisalsothePresidentofLIVEnterprises&Consulting,LLC,andaLicensedProfessionalCounselor and LicensedMarriage&Family Therapistwithmore than35yearsof clinical andprofessionalexperienceinthementalhealthfield.Specialtyareasincludeprofessional/pastoralstress and burnout, combat trauma and PTSD, marriage and family issues, leadershipdevelopment, addiction and recovery, and lay counselor training.He is an author, a nationaland international conference speaker, and frequently consults with organizations, clinicians,ministryleaders,andchurchesonavarietyofissues.EverettWorthington,Jr.,Ph.D.,isaLicensedClinicalPsychologist(LCP)andProfessorandChairoftheDepartmentofPsychologyatVirginiaCommonwealthUniversityinRichmond,VA,wherehehasbeenonthefacultysince1978.Hehaspublished17booksandoverpeer-reviewed150articles and scholarly chapters on forgiveness, marriage, and family topics. He directs ACampaignforForgivenessResearch,isthefoundingeditorofMarriageandFamily:AChristianJournal, and known throughout the country as a preeminent Christian researcher inmentalhealth issues. Dr.Worthington has spoken internationally at conferences and universities inBrazil,SouthAfrica,thePhilippines,Malaysia,Singapore,andCanada.


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ForgivenessandReconciliation2.0TableofContents:

FORG101:Forgiveness:LettingGoofthePastandPain........................................................11EvWorthington,Ph.D.FORG102:TheLanguageofApology:Regret,Responsibility,Restitution,Repentance,andRequesting...........................................................................................................................24GaryChapman,Ph.D.FORG103:TheRoadtoRecovery:ForgivenessandTransformation.......................................32EricScalise,Ph.D.


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FORG101:

Forgiveness:

LettingGoofthePastandPain

EverettWorthington,Jr.,Ph.D.


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Abstract

This session focuses on forgiveness-related issues, including types of forgiveness, how to

forgive, andhow to let goof pain from thepast.Dr.Worthingtonexplores andanswers key

questions clients often have about the forgiveness process—including receiving forgiveness,

forgivingothers,andthepossibilityofrestoringrelationships.TheChristianpsychologicalstudy

offorgivenessisalsodiscussed,aswellastheR.E.A.C.H.modeldevelopedbyDr.Worthington.

LearningObjectives

1. Participantswillbeableto identifyandrefutecommonmisconceptionsclientsholdto

aboutforgiveness.

2. Participantswillbeabletoarticulatethetruemeaningofbothemotionalanddecisional

forgivingness.

3. Participants will be prepared to implement the R.E.A.C.H. model of forgiveness in

workingwithclients.


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I. MisconceptionsAboutForgiveness

A. ClientMisconceptions

1. SomeclientshavelistsaboutthewaysthatGodhaswrongedordisappointedthem.

2. Someclientshavelistsofpeoplewhohavewrongedordisappointedthem.

3. Someclientshave listsofhow, as individuals, theyhavewrongedordisappointed

themselves.

B. ChoosingForgiveness

Forgivenessrequiresgettingridoftheselists(whetherphysicalormental)andchoosing

nottomakenewlists.

II. TheChristianPsychologicalStudyofForgivenessA. PsychologicalScience

We can learn a lot about psychological science that enriches our understanding of

Scripture, andmay even help us interpret Scripture in away thatwill put it tomore

powerfuluseinourlives.

B. TheStudyofForgiveness

1. Thescientificstudyofforgivenessbeganwithabookwrittenin1985bytheologian

LewisSmedes—ForgiveandForget:HealingtheHurtsWeDon’tDeserve.

2. Smedes’ book interestedpsychotherapists and researchers in studying forgiveness

becauseoftheargumentmadethatforgivenessisgoodforus.


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3. Bytheendof2011,therewerealmost2,000scientificstudiesonforgiveness.

III. QuestionsAboutForgivenessBelowaresomequestionsthatclientsoftenaskandwrestlewith.Itisimportanttobeable

to respond in a knowledgeable, yet compassionate way, empathizing with the pain and

woundstheycarryasaresultofpasthurts.

A. Isthereanyagreementonhowforgivenessisdefined?

1. Yes,psychologistsgenerallyagreeonwhatforgivenessis.

2. Forgivenessisnotsaying,“Iforgiveyou.”

3. Forgivenessisnotreconcilingwiththeperson,anditdoesnotrequirethataperson

rebuildarelationshipwiththeonewhowrongedhimorher.

4. Forgiveness is what God requires of us. Reconciliation is not required, but is

certainlysomethingthatGoddesiresofus.

B. Doesapersonhavetoaskforforgivenessbeforeheorsheisforgiven?

1. No, a persondoesnothave to ask for forgivenessbeforewegrant forgiveness to

himorherinourheart.


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2. Somepeople inour livesmayneverask for forgiveness,butwecanstillchooseto

forgivethemandsetourselvesfreefrombitternessandanger.

C. Whatifthepersonisnotrepentant?ShouldIhavetoforgive?

1. Thismakesforgivenessharder,butwestillneedtoforgive.

2. Insuchcases,itisimportanttorememberthatforgivenessdoesnothavetoinclude

reconciliation.

D. Ifeelthatit’shardertoforgivesomeonewhoisnotrepentant.Whyisthis?

1. Whensomeoneisunrepentant,thereisaclearinjusticegapintherelationship.

2. An injusticegap isthedifferencebetweenthewayonewouldliketoseeanevent

resolvedandthewayheorsheseesitrightnow.

3. Whilemanypeopledesire for theoffendedparty to repent,wemustplace this in

God’shandsandrealizeweareonlyresponsibleforourbehavior—nottheirs.

E. Doesn’t Scripture say to forgive as God forgave you—and if a person repents, to

forgive?Doesn’tthatmeanthepersonshouldberepentantbeforeweforgive?

1. First,God forgaveuswhilewewereyetsinners.God forgaveusoutsideof time—

beforeweeverrepentedoractuallyevensinned.


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2. Forgivenesscantakeplaceatanytime.

3. Scripturedoessaythatifapersonrepents,wearetoforgive.However,God’sWord

doesnot prescriptively advisewhat todo if thepersondoesnot repent.Applying

biblicalprinciples,theanswerisstilltoforgive.

F. Ican’tseemtogetridofthebitterness,resentment,hostility,hatred,anger,or fear

justbydecidingtoforgive.DoesthismeanthatGodwon’tforgivemysins?

1. In the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus says that God forgives our debts as we forgive our

debtors.Hegoesontoexplainthisbysaying:

“For ifyoudonotforgivethosewhosinagainstyou,yourHeavenlyFatherwillnot

forgiveyou.But, ifyoudoforgivethosewhosinagainstyou,yourfatherinheaven

willforgiveyou.”—Matthew6:14-15

2. ThisScripturecanbe somewhat confusing,particularlywhenhurtand resentment

continuetoplagueusevenafterwechoosetoforgive.It’simportanttoclarifythat

therearetwodistincttypesofforgiveness:

• DecisionalForgiveness:Tomakeabehavioralintentionstatement

• Emotional Forgiveness: Replacing the negative, unforgiving emotions with

positive,other-orientedemotions

3. Forgiveness is internal,whether it isemotionalordecisional forgiveness.Wemust

becarefulnottoconfuseforgivenesswithreconcilingorsaying,“Iforgiveyou.”


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G. What if I do not forgive every little offense?What if I forget ormiss one? Am I in

dangeroflosingmysalvation?

1. Ifforgivenessisnotjustification,thenitisthebeliever’sjudgment.

2. ScripturegivesusaclearpictureofourindividualaccountabilitybeforeGod,evenin

thecontextofsalvation.

“For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus

Christ.Ifanyonebuildsonthisfoundationusinggold,silver,costlystones,wood,hayor

straw,theirworkwillbeshownforwhatitis,becausetheDaywillbringittolight.Itwill

berevealedwithfire,andthefirewilltestthequalityofeachperson’swork.Ifwhathas

beenbuiltsurvives, thebuilderwill receiveareward. If it isburnedup, thebuilderwill

suffer loss but yet will be saved—even though only as one escaping through the

flames.”—1Corinthians3:11-15

H. Arethetwotypesofforgivenessconfusedwithotherthingsbesidessaying,“Iforgive

you,”orreconciliation?

1. Yes,forgivenesscanbeeasilymistakenforotherbehaviorsGodcallsusto.One

significantareaofconfusionisbetweenforgivenessandjustice.

2. Biblicalwaysofdealingwithinjustice(whicharenotforgiveness),include:

• Seeingjusticedone

• Seekingtobringjustice,narrowingtheinjusticegap

• TurningthematterovertoGod

• Acceptance

• Forbearing


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I. Whatisforbearing?

1. Forbearingmostly occurs in collectivist cultures and those that value group

harmony.

2. Forbearing includes suppressing negative reactions toward a person and

continuingtotreattheminalovingandkindway.

3. Whileforbearingisscriptural,itmustnotbeconfusedwithforgiving.

J. Whatisacceptance?

1. Acceptanceconsistsofmovingonwithlifewithoutletting______botherme.

2. Themindset isbasically,“I’mgoingto let itbounceoffofme. Itwon’taffect

me.”

K. Arethereconsequencesotherthanthespiritualconsequencesfornotforgiving?

1. Therearespiritual consequencesbecause Jesus says that ifwedon’t forgive,God

willnotforgiveus.

2. Therearerelationalconsequences.

3. Therearephysicalhealthconsequences:

• Increased risk for cardiovascular problems like strokes, heart attacks, and

hypertension


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• Poorimmunesystemfunctioning

• Problemswiththebuildupofcortisolinourbodies

4. Therearementalhealthconsequences:

• Depression

• Anxiousness

• Obsessivethoughts

• Post-traumaticstress

• Psychophysiologicaleffects

L. Whatdoweknowaboutpersonalityandforgiveness?

1. Agreeableness

2. EmotionalReactivity

3. Conscientiousness

4. Thereisatraitofforgivenessthatpeoplehavemoreorlessof.However,this

doesnot takeawaypersonal responsibility to forgiveothers,nomatterwhat

ourpersonalitytraits.

M. Aretheregenderdifferencesinforgiveness?

1. Yes,therearereliablesexdifferences.

2. Men are four times as vengeful as women; women are twice as likely to hold

grudges.


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N. Whatdoweknowaboutforgivenessandreligion?

1. Toforgive ishuman.Forgivenessispartofcommongrace.Itisnotsomethingthat

Christianshaveanexclusive“lock”on.

2. Allmajorreligionsadvocateforgivenessandencouragetheirfollowerstoparticipate

inforgiveness.

3. However, various religions may describe forgiveness differently and set specific

conditionsonwhathastohappenbeforeforgiving.

4. Overall,Christianstendtoemphasizeforgivenessmorethanotherreligions.

O. HowdoesreligionmakeChristiansmoreforgiving?

1. ScripturesetsthenormforChristianswhodesiretoobeyGod.

2. TheHolySpirithelpsustobemoreforgivingfromwithin.

P. CanreligionmakeChristianslessforgiving?

1. Yes,becauseweare religiouswehavemanythings thatare treatedsacred.When

someoneviolatessomethingthatwebelieveissacred,wecaneasilybecomeupset.

Desecration of the things that are sacred happen more when people hold more

thingstobesacred.

2. However,biblically,wearestillcalledtoforgive—nomatterwhatthecircumstances.

Sciencealsoshowsthatlackofforgivenesshaspowerfulnegativeeffects.


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Q. Howdopeopleforgive?Isthereaforgivenessprocess?

1. Naturally, there is no one “right” forgiveness process. Forgiveness is an individual

process,andmaylookdifferent,dependingonpersonality,history,andlevelofhurt.

2. However,wecanteachpeopleakindofprocessthatwillhelpthemmakesenseof

theforgivenessprocessandknowwheretostart.

IV. TheR.E.A.C.H.Program

A. FiveStepstoReachForgiveness

1. Recallthehurt

2. Emotionally replace the negative, unforgiving emotions with positive, other-

orientedemotions

3. GiveanAltruisticgiftofforgiveness

4. Committotheforgivenessyouexperience

5. Holdontothatforgivenesswheneveryoudoubtthatyouhaveforgiven

B. OtherForgivenessPrograms

1. RobertEnright fromWisconsinhasaprogramwith20stepsto itthataregrouped

intofourdifferentsections.Thisprogramhasahugeamountofresearchsupport.


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2. FredDiBlasiodevelopedaprogramtohelpcouplesforgive.

3. Kristi Gordon at theUniversityofTennesseedevelopedaprogram tohelppeople

forgiveinfidelityinmarriage.

4. FredLuskinhasdevelopedasecularprogramtohelppeopleforgive.

C. TrainingintheR.E.A.C.H.ForgivenessProgram

Visitwww.people.vcu.edu/~eworthtoaccessadownloadableLeader’sandParticipant’s

GuidefortheR.E.A.C.H.Program.

1. Canpeopleleadpsychoeducationalgroupswithouttraining?

Yes, there is evidence showing that it helps if those teaching the program have

training,buttheprogramisstillsuccessfuleveniftheyhavenothadtraining.

2. HowcanIlearntobeabettergroupleader?

• Studytheresourcesandmanuals.

• GettheDVD.

V. Conclusion

A. Scriptureandpsychologicalsciencepaintaveryconsistentpictureaboutforgiveness.

1. Forgivenessisinternal.

2. Therearetwotypesofforgiveness:


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• Decision

• Emotionalchange

B. Christian beliefs and practices can sometimes make it easier to forgive, and other

timesmake forgivenessevenmoredifficult. Inbothcases,wecanrelyon Jesusand

theleadingoftheHolySpirittoguideandempowerustoforgive.

C. Itispossibletohelppeopleforgiveincounseling.Whilethereisnoone“right”wayto

forgive,oneapproachtohelpingpeopleforgiveistheR.E.A.C.H.forgivenessmodel.

D. Humility is theglue thatholdspeople togetherand cements justiceand forgiveness

intoaseamlessstructure.


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FORG102:

TheLanguagesofApology:Regret,

Responsibility,Restitution,

Repentance,andRequesting

GaryChapman,Ph.D.


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Abstract

Important in building positive, healthy relationships, is the ability to apologize and forgive

another’s faults. Apologizing is an important biblical concept, but many times, people are

learninghowto(orhownotto)apologizefromparentalmodeling.Dr.Chapmanintroduces5

languages of apology: expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution,

repentance,andrequestingforgiveness.Everyindividualacceptsapologiesandgivesapologies

withintheirapologylanguage.Whensomeonehascommittedwrongagainstusandapologizes,

weacceptanapologybasedonourjudgmentoftheirsincerity.One’sjudgmentofsincerityis

reflectedintheirlanguageofapology.Onecanlearnaperson’sprimarylanguageofapologyby

asking simple questions. Learning the languages of apology enables one to be able to

understand and accept apologies from others even when they are not in their primary

language,butitalsohelpsonetoknowhowtobetterapologizetoothers.

LearningObjectives

1. Participantswillbeabletoidentifythefivelanguagesofapology.

2. ParticipantswillexploretheimportanceofapologyasnotedinScripture.

3. Participants will study the influences of apologizing and how to effectively identify

someoneelse’sprimarylanguageofapology.


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I. EssentialstoPositive,HealthyRelationships

A. Characteristics

1. Individualsintherelationshipfeellovedandappreciated.

2. Individualshavetodealeffectivelywiththeirfailures.

B. TheReality

1. Nooneisperfect.

2. Ifpeopledonotdealwiththefailures,resultinginanemotionalbarrierofhurt.

• Apologizing

• Forgiving

II. ApologizingA. TheBibleisVeryPositiveRegardingtheIssueofApologizing

“Hewhoconcealshistransgressionswillnotprosper,buthewhoconfessesandforsakes

themwillfindcompassion.”—Proverbs28:13

“Butyour iniquitieshavemadeaseparationbetweenyouandyourGod,andyoursins

havehiddenHisfacefromyousothatHedoesnothear.”—Isaiah59:2

“Thereforeifyouarepresentingyourofferingatthealtar,andthererememberthatyour

brotherhas somethingagainst you, leave youroffering therebefore thealtarandgo;

firstbereconciledtoyourbrother,andthencomeandpresentyouroffering.”

—Matthew5:23-24


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B. LearningtoApologize

1. Typically,we learn toapologize fromourparents (or someonewhoservedasour

parents).

2. Peoplelearndifferentstylesofapology/non-apologyfromparents.

• Researchshowsthatabout10%ofthepopulationalmostneverapologizes,most

ofthesearemenandtheylearnedthisfromtheirfathers.

III. FiveLanguagesofApologyA. ExpressingRegret

1. Expressingregretisoftenwiththewords,“I’msorry.”

• Emotionalapology

• Biblicalexample:TheProdigalSon(Luke15:21)

• Communicatesthatyoufeelbadlyaboutyourbehavior

2. Never use the words “I’m sorry” alone. Always tell the person that you are

apologizingtowhyyouaresorry.

B. AcceptingResponsibility

1. Acceptingresponsibilityissayingthatyouwerewrongandnotblaminganyoneelse.

2. Biblicalexample:TheProdigalSon(Luke15:21).

“AgainstYou,Youonly,IhavesinnedanddonewhatisevilinYoursight,sothatYou

arejustifiedwhenYouspeakandblamelesswhenYoujudge.”—Psalm51:4

“It we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to

cleanseusfromallunrighteousness.”—1John1:9


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3. Somepeoplehavedifficultyadmitting that theyarewrong.Particularly thosewho

are from a homewhere the parents always told themwhat they didwrong, and

seldom what they did right, and they grew up with the belief that if they ever

becomeanadult,theywouldneverbewrongagain.

C. MakingRestitution

1. Makingrestitutionisaddressingwhatcanbedonetomakeitright.

2. Biblicalexample:Zaccheaus(Luke19:8).

3. There is a correlation between one’s love language and language of apology. For

thosewhoselanguageofapologyismakingrestitution,theiranswerto,“Whatcan

bedonetomakethisright?”willlikelybeinkeepingwiththeirlovelanguage.

4. How a language of apology speaks to a person depends on the nature of the

offense.

• Forsmalloffenses,asimple,“I’msorry”usuallyworks.

• Forhugeoffenses,morethanonelanguageofapologywillbenecessary.

D. GenuinelyRepenting

1. Genuinelyrepentingisexpressingthedesiretochangeyourbehavior.

“FromthattimeJesusbegantopreachandsay,‘Repent,forthekingdomofheaven

isathand.’”—Matthew4:17

“Petersaidtothem,‘Repent,andeachofyoubebaptizedinthenameofJesusChrist

for the forgivenessof your sins;andyouwill receive thegiftof theHolySpirit.’”—

Acts2:38


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2. Biblicalexample:theNewTestament,inparticulartheBookofActs.

3. AsChristians,wearecalledtorepentofsin.

4. Repentmeanstoturnaround.

E. RequestingForgiveness

1. Requestingforgivenessisrequestingthatthepersonforgivesyou.

2. Forsomepeople,ifyouhavenotrequestedforgiveness,youhavenotapologized.

3. Biblicalexample:David(Psalm51).

• Blotoutmytransgressions

• Washawayallmyiniquity

• Cleansemefrommysin

IV. SincerityA. WhattoLookFor

1. Whensomeonehaswrongedus,andhe/sheapologizes,wewanttoknowifhe/she

issincere.

2. Aretheysincereoraretheytryingtowhitewashthis?

B. SincerityandtheApologyLanguage

1. Thejudgmentofsincerityisbasedonwhetherornotthepersonisapologizingin

ourapologylanguage.

2. IfthepersonisnotusingourLanguage,wejudgetheirapologyasinsincere.


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V. PrimaryApologyLanguage

A. TwoWaystheApologyLanguageHelps

1. Eachofushasaprimaryapologylanguage,whichwillhelpusintwoways.

2. Thefirstwayiscloserelationships.

• Knowing the Languages of Apology helps us to apologize in ways that are

meaningfultoourspouse,parents,friends,etc.

• Even if a person is apologizing in a Language that is not our own, we can

acknowledgethat theyareusingat leastoneof theLanguagesofApologyand

can then give them credit for it by accepting their apology, and thus forgiving

themmorereadily.

3. Thesecondwayisintheworkplaceandmedicalfield.

B. SomeDoNotSpeakaLanguageofApology

1. Therearepeoplewhodonotspeakanyofthefivelanguagesofapology.

2. Simplysaying,“Ioweyouanapology,”isnotapologizing.

3. The reality is, you either choose to forgive people or you choose to hold their

wrongsagainstthem.

4. Youcannotforcesomeonetoforgiveyou.

• Forgivenessisagift

5. Youwillnothavelong-term,positiverelationshipsifyoudonotchoosetoapologize

andifyoudonotchoosetoforgive.


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VI. LearningaPerson’sPrimaryApologyLanguage

A. AskQuestions

1. “Whenyouapologize,whatdoyoutypicallysayordo?”

2. “Whensomeoneapologizestoyou,whatdoyouwanttohearthemsayordo?”

3. “Whathurtsyoumostaboutthissituation?”

• Helpfulifpersonhasbeenoffended

• Helpfulifanapologyhasbeenmade,butitdidnotseemsincere

• Ifapersoncantellyouwhathurtsthemmostaboutasituation,theyaretelling

youwhattheirprimaryapologylanguageis.

B. HealingthroughApology

1. Manyrelationshipsthathavebeenfracturedforyearscouldberestoredifsomeone

wouldtaketheinitiativetoapologize.

2. Thepowerofanapologytohealbrokenrelationshipscannotbeunderestimated.

3. It’sessentialthatwelearntoapologizeandforgive.

4. Forgiveness does not erase the consequences, but it opens the opportunity of a

betterrelationshipinthefuture.

5. Thememoriesofthewrongdoingwillcomeback.TakethesememoriestoGodand

askforHishelpindealingwiththem.

VII. Resource

Gary D. Chapman and Jennifer M. Thomas, The Five Languages of Apology: How toExperienceHealingInAllYourRelationships(Chicago,IL:NorthfieldPublishing,2008).


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FORG103:

TheRoadtoRecovery:Forgivenessand

Transformation

EricScalise,Ph.D.


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Abstract

Forgiveness is a foundational principle in the Bible. Dr. Scalise examines the reasons people

oftenstruggle,theconsequencesofunforgiveness,whatforgivenessisandisnot,andthethree

primaryareaswhereforgivenessisrequiredinlettinggoofpain,hurt,anddisappointment.The

pathto freedomandtransformationencompassesconfession,grieving, theroleof truth,and

accountability.

LearningObjectives

1. Participantswillexplorethefourstepsintheprocessofforgiveness

2. ParticipantswillidentifyreasonsforforgivenessandconsequencesofUnforgiveness

3. Participantswillexaminetheareasofforgivenessanddiscoverthepathtofreedom


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I. TheProcessofChangeandTransformation

A. TheRoleofCONFESSION:BreakingthePowerofYourSecret

1. Step#1:RecognizingandAdmitting

“Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord.”

Lamentations3:40

2. Youcannotextinguishabehavioronuntilyoudistinguishwhatisgoingon.

B. TheRoleofGRIEVING:BreakingthePowerofYourDenial

1. Step#2:FreeingtheEmotions

“Trust in him at all times,O people;pour out your hearts to him, forGod is our

refuge.”Psalm62:8

2. Agreatdealofunforgivenesshastodowithanger.

3. Woundsmustbecleanedouttobehealed.

C. TheRoleofTRUTH:BreakingthePowerofYourUnbelief

1. Step#3:RenewingtheMind

“Donotconformanylongertothepatternofthisworld,butbetransformedbythe

renewingofyourmind.ThenyouwillbeabletotestandapprovewhatGod’swill

is––hisgood,pleasingandperfectwill.”Romans12:2

2. Themindislikeaparachute;ittendstoworkbetterwhenit’sopen.

3. God’swordsoftensheartground.


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D. TheRoleofACCOUNTABILITY:BreakingthePowerofYourFear

1. Step#4:ExercisingtheWill

“Thereforeconfessyoursinstoeachotherandprayforeachothersothatyoumay

behealed.Theprayerofarighteousmanispowerfulandeffective.”James5:16

2. Fearkeepspeoplefromtakingactionsteps

3. Fearisthedarkroomthatdevelopsallyournegatives

II. TheProcessofForgivenessA. ReasonsforUnforgiveness

1. Theoffensewastoogreat.

2. He/shewon'tacceptresponsibilityfortheoffense.

3. He/sheisn'ttrulysorry.

4. He/sheneveraskedtobeforgiven.

5. He/shewilldoitagain.

6. He/shediditagain.

7. He/shediditdeliberately.


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8. Idon'tlikehim/her.

9. IfIforgivetheoffense,I'llhavetotreattheoffenderwell.

10. Someonehastopunishhim/her.

B. HowaPersonHandlesPainful orAbusive ExperiencesmayProduceGreaterPainor

Self-AbusethantheOriginalActItself!

C. ConsequencesofUnforgiveness

1. Stressandanxiety

2. Self-inflictedcondemnation

3. Lackoftrustandlove

4. Angerandbitterness

5. Perpetualconflict

6. Buildingupofemotionalwalls

7. Depressionandhopelessness


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III. AreasofForgivenessA. ForgivingGod

“MyGod,myGod,whyhaveyouforsakenme?Whyareyousofarfromsavingme,so

farfromthewordsofmygroaning?OmyGod,Icryoutbyday,butyoudonotanswer,

bynight,andamnotsilent.”Psalm22:1-2

B. ForgivingOurselves

“I,evenI,amHewhoblotsoutyour transgressions, formyownsake,andremember

yoursinsnomore.”Isaiah43:25

C. ForgivingOthers

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with

compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and

forgive whatever grievances youmay have against one another. Forgive as the Lord

forgave you.Andover all these virtues put on love,which binds themall together in

perfectunity.”Colossians3:12-14

D. SeventyTimesSeven–Matthew18:21-35

“Through the Lord’smercieswearenot consumed,becauseHis compassions failnot.

Theyareneweverymorning;greatisYourfaithfulness.”Lamentations3:22-23

1. Makrothumeo:“Havepatiencewithme”


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2. Aphiemi:“Toabolish”

E. WhatForgivenessIsNot

1. Forgetting

• Forgivenessisnotforgetting,itismovingbeyondtheissueorevent

2. Excusing

• Don’texcusetheaction

• Itisbettertoadmitthehurtbutchoosetoletgo

3. JustaFeeling

• Forgivenessisprimarilyaverb

• Forgivenessissomethingpeopledo,notjustsomethingpeoplefeel

4. AOneTimeDeal

• Forgivenessisaprocess

• Feelingscanalwaysresurface

IV. APathtoFreedom

A. Hurt

1. Givepermissionforpeopletohurt

2. Itisbettertoexperiencethehurtanddealwithitthanpretenditisnotthere


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B. Hate

1. Helppeopleseparateoutthepersonfromtheact

2. Humannatureinterminglesthetwo

C. Hook

1. Itisallaboutcontrol

2. Forgivenessislikeaperson’ssoloflighttofreedom

D. Healing

1. Forgiveness is not dependent on whether the other person wants to receive

forgiveness

2. Forgivenessandreconciliationaretwodifferentthings

V. Brokenness

“ThisiswhattheLordsays:‘Heavenismythrone,andtheearthismyfootstool.Whereis

thehouseyouwillbuildforme?Wherewillmyrestingplacebe?Hasnotmyhandmadeall

thesethings,andsotheycameintobeing?’declarestheLord.‘ThisistheoneIesteem:he

whoishumbleandcontriteinspirit,andtremblesatmyword.’”Isaiah66:1-2


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