By Brian D. Taylor

© Copyright 2020, Brian D. Taylor

Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights—including but not limited to amateur, professional, radio broadcast, television, cable, motion picture, live streaming, public reading, and translation into a foreign language—should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155.

No performance, broadcast, reading, or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given without permission from Pioneer Drama Service.

These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia, and all nations of the United Kingdom.

ONE SCRIPT PER CAST MEMBER MUST BE PURCHASED FOR PRODUCTION RIGHTS.

PHOTOCOPYING, REPRODUCING, OR DISTRIBUTING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK WITHOUT PERMISSION IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW.

On all programs, printing, and advertising, the following information must appear:

1. The full title: How to Host a Murder Mystery Dinner Party (In Fifteen Simple Steps)

2. Writing credit: By Brian D. Taylor

3. Publication notice: “Produced by special arrangement with Pioneer Drama Service, Denver, Colorado”

RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

51ii

HOW TO HOST A MURDER MYSTERY DINNER PARTY

(In Fifteen Simple Steps)

By BRIAN D. TAYLOR

CAST OF CHARACTERS(In Order of Appearance)

# of lines

THE HOST* .........................aka Miss Penelope 57 Chrysler-Michelin; our guide; a bored heiress who’s out of touch with her audience

THE HOUSEKEEPER .............aka Miss Gwyneth; runs 50 the household

THE MAID ...........................aka Miss Sherry; assistant to 66 Miss Gwyneth

THE PIANIST* .....................aka Harmony Kline; helps to set 6 the mood

THE GOSSIP........................aka Gabby Reynolds; has the dirt 58 on everyone

THE CELEBRITY ...................aka Charlotte Beauregard; an 44 off-Broadway and small screen starlet

THE LAWYER* .....................aka James Wilhelm, Esq.; the 33 most prominent lawyer in the region

THE FREE SPIRIT .................aka Venus Starship; an advocate 27 for mainstream—and fringe—issues

THE GROUNDSKEEPER ........aka Hannibal Lattice; maintains 37 the property

THE DOCTOR* ....................aka Dr. Jennifer Nightingale; 28 a successful family physician

THE LADYKILLER .................aka Hugh Glover; a wealthy, 30 handsome, and charming bachelor

THE WRITER*......................aka Gregory Hemingway; a 44 famous—but fragile—novelist

THE LOST TRAVELER ...........aka Mark DeMarco; 35 unsuspecting “Mark” marooned by the storm

THE INSPECTOR* ................aka Charles Enigma; a local 67 lawman who happens to be on the scene

Document SixStep Fourteen—Serve Dessert

By Miss Penelope Chrysler-MichelinWho doesn’t love dessert? Am I right? Here are a few delights that will “finish off” your murder mystery dinner party in a sweet, sweet way!STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKEMiss Gwyneth helped me with this classic dessert, but her recipe calls for angel food cake. She just doesn’t get it. This is a murder mystery dinner party, after all. So enjoy this little twist on an old favorite!Ingredients:

Strawberries1 devil’s food cake1 can of whipped cream

Instructions: Make a devil’s food cake. I’m sure there are recipes for this sort of thing, but as I’m not one to make a deal with the devil, my advice is to just buy a devil’s food cake from some poor fool who has already given up their soul.

Put strawberries on it. Spray some whipped cream on it. Indulge!Serves six to ten guests. Adjust as needed.

UPSIDE DOWN CAKEWhen you’re hosting a murder mystery dinner party and everything is up in the air, it’s always good to look at things from a different angle. This simple upside down cake recipe is sure to do the trick!Ingredients:

1 cup white sugar1/2 cup butter2 eggs2 teaspoons vanilla extract1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour1 3/4 teaspoons baking powder1/2 cup milk

Instructions: Preheat oven to 360 degrees. Remember, we’re flipping things upside down, so a 360 degree oven will help us come full circle.

Mix all the ingredients in a large mixing bowl.Place in a cake pan and bake for 30-40 minutes, or until it becomes

a cake.Flip it upside down.Serves six to ten guests. Adjust as needed.

RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

iii50

*These roles can be played as either male or female. See PRODUCTION NOTES for more details.

SETTINGTime: The present.

Place: The extravagant dining room of Miss Penelope Chrysler-Michelin’s isolated mansion.

SET DESIGNThe dining room should reflect the opulence of its rich, socialite owner. At RIGHT is a large table with seats for seven. A large portrait of Herbert Michelin hangs UPSTAGE, ideally over the mantel of a fireplace. There is a side table and a couple of armchairs near the portrait UP LEFT. The front door is DOWN LEFT and a small basket and a large flowerpot are near the door. OTHER EXITS are DOWN RIGHT to the kitchen, UP RIGHT to the library, and UP LEFT to the conservatory. An upright or grand piano or organ is side stage or on the forestage.

Throw the steaks on the grill. Sprinkle with salt and pepper to taste. Sear on both sides.

While grilling the steaks, throw the artichoke hearts on the grill to sear. Stab them with an ice pick every two minutes, just to let some steam out.

Serve steaks with artichoke hearts on top. Enjoy!Serves six to ten guests. Adjust as needed.

VEGAN OPTIONIf you have a vegan in your group (and unfortunately, I do and you can probably guess who that guest is), consider making them the mark and killing them off before the dinner course so that you needn’t worry about this step. Or, if that just won’t do, then I suppose you could go to the trouble of making them a meal that meets their dietary needs… Ingredients:

Any vegetable, but make sure it’s organic and locally-sourced.Instructions: Cook it.Serves one. Adjust as necessary.

BALLOTUse this sheet to mark “Whodunit”:GOSSIP __________CELEBRITY __________DOCTOR __________LAWYER __________FREE SPIRIT ________WRITER _________LADYKILLER _________HOST (It wasn’t me.) _________ WRITE-IN (Could it be someone else altogether?) ___________________

For preview only

iv 49

CHICKEN PARMThe family recipe. An Italian classic.Ingredients:

4 Chicken breastsCroutonsEgg wash1 large jar marinaraMozzarella (as desired)

Instructions: Preheat an oven to 450 degrees. Prep might take a while and that oven will probably be heating up your kitchen as you prep this dish but, hey… some like it hot, right?

Halve the chicken breasts with a sharp cutting knife. Place the knife in a convenient place for later (if you know what I mean). With a meat tenderizer, pound the chicken until tender. Imagine it’s someone who has betrayed the family.

Take your croutons and use your meat tenderizer (or any or mallet will suffice) to pulverize them until they are no more than crumbs. If it helps, imagine they are snitches.

Dip your chicken into the egg wash and then into the bread crumbs. Place in a baking dish.

Pour marinara onto the chicken. This step is fun because you can imagine you’re pouring out the blood of your enemies. Pour it all right onto that chicken.

Sprinkle mozzarella on top as desired.Bake for about 20 minutes.Serves six to ten guests. Adjust as needed.

STEAK IN THE HEARTSteak is a standard main course. Make your murder mystery dinner party a hit with this twist on an old favorite.Ingredients:

6-10 steaks, your choice of cut2 artichokesSalt and pepper to taste

Instructions: Fire up the grill and let it warm to high heat, because these babies belong on the fire! And who doesn’t love a seared steak on the grill?

Take artichokes and choke them until they’ve learned their lesson. Then separate the hearts. Discard excess. Because who needs that?

SET DESIGN

For preview only

148

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

HOW TO HOST A MURDER MYSTERY DINNER PARTY

PreshowAs AUDIENCE MEMBERS ENTER, they are given a set of sealed documents, paper, and pens if they are not preset at dinner tables. The sealed documents make up the “program guide,” and each envelope must be clearly marked with a number and the following warning: “Do NOT open until instructed to do so!” If you have ushers or front of house volunteers handing these documents out, they may also warn the AUDIENCE not to open them until told to do so. For details on the contents of each document, see PRODUCTION NOTES.

PrologueAT RISE: The unoccupied dining room with a bare table.HOST: (ENTERS from the back of house, wearing a fine robe and slippers.

Speaks to various AUDIENCE members in a gentile, refined accent as she makes her way to the stage.) Hello there. (To ANOTHER.) Thank you for coming to our presentation. (To ANOTHER.) Oh my, did you not get a guide for the night’s proceedings? Not to worry—I have an extra set. (Produces a program guide from her robe and hands it to the AUDIENCE MEMBER.) Hold onto that, but please remember not to open any of the documents until you are instructed to do so. (Now would also be a good time for HOST to check to see if anyone has opened their materials. If so, she says “I see you over there! Sneaky, sneaky! Now, close those documents at once until you’re told to open them!”) Otherwise, you’ll ruin all the fun! (To ANOTHER AUDIENCE MEMBER.) Thank you for coming. I hope you enjoy the proceedings. (Makes her way ONSTAGE and looks over the house.) Wow! Looks like we have a quite a full house tonight! Thank you all for coming to tonight’s engagement. I am your host, Miss Penelope Chrysler-Michelin. You may have heard of me—lone heir to the Michelin family fortune. Or perhaps you’ve not heard of me at all. It’s not important, anyway. In fact, very few people know me all that well, because I prefer to live a life of mystery. And speaking of which, that is why you’re all here in the first place, is it not? So, welcome to our little seminar, How to Host a Murder Mystery Dinner Party! Tonight, I shall be guiding you through my proven fifteen-step process for hosting your own murder mystery dinner party. And we’ll not only be teaching you these time-tested strategies, but we’ll be showing you them in action, as my guests and I will be hosting a live murder mystery dinner party right here along with you to help guide you through the process. Now, do we have any first timers? Anyone here who has never hosted their own murder mystery dinner party? Show

DOCTOR—Dr. Jennifer Nightingale knows the health history of everyone in town. She also has access to all kinds of medications. Is someone out to get her or is she really the good doctor we all think she is? Does she have a secret in her past that somebody found out about?

CELEBRITY—Charlotte Beauregard has a reputation for being willing to do anything for a role. Could that mean murder? Or perhaps, since it is fame and fortune that she wants more than anything, she might be staging a crime scene to get a little attention from the paparazzi? Could it be that someone is jealous of her?

LAWYER—James Wilhelm, Esq. is the only person who knows the contents of my will. Well, him and Miss Gwyneth. Could it be that he has found some loophole and plans to kill me for my estate? Perhaps he’s here to do so with someone else in the room? Or could someone be out to get him and change someone’s will?

FREE SPIRIT—Venus Starship claims to be a spirit of the universe and thus cannot have any enemies. But could it be she’s capable of murdering someone who might have plans to bring great destruction to the universe? Or perhaps someone might want to murder her? She is quite annoying.

WRITER—Gregory Hemingway’s crime novels have never sold very much. But what better way to draw attention to your writing than bringing one of your very own murder plots to life? Or perhaps he has a fan who is a little too fanatic and plans to bring his books to life?

LADYKILLER—Hugh Glover. The ladies tend to love him, so maybe the men all want him dead? Or is there a certain rival that he wishes to be disposed of so that he’s one step closer to his one true love?

HOST—Me. Penelope Chrysler-Michelin. It could be me. I could be the mark or I could be the killer. After all, I am your host and have put this whole affair together. It’s not me, but you should never rule anything out. Anything could happen.

Document FiveStep Seven—Serve Dinner

By Miss Penelope Chrysler-MichelinOne of the most crucial steps when hosting your murder mystery dinner party, if not the very most crucial step, is dinner service. Therefore, you must not forget to plan for this very crucial step. As your host, I’ve included some hearty and deadly dinner recipes, compliments of Miss Gwyneth, that may come in handy for you when you host your very own murder mystery dinner party:

For preview only

RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

2 47

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

of hands? It’s okay, don’t be shy. Oh, good! Lots of you! Then it looks like we have much to learn! And that is most excellent. (If only a few hands go up, which should be very unlikely, substitute the previous lines for this: “Oh, that few of you? Well, I don’t believe you! Otherwise, why would you be here?”) Anyhoo, it is my sincere hope to teach you the subtle art of mystery and intrigue. When you leave here tonight, you’ll have everything you need to know to make your next murder mystery dinner party the very best. Now, you all should have guidebooks, but remember—you mustn’t open any packets until instructed to do so. However, you all have been provided with paper and writing utensils, so feel free to take notes along the way. Okay then, enough with the formalities. Shall we begin?

Step OneSetting the Scene

HOST: (To AUDIENCE.) Step one, setting the scene. You can write that down. (Repeats.) Step one, setting the scene. (Waits a moment to let the AUDIENCE make a note.) And you may now open your first document, Document One. (Shows her own version of Document One and opens it. [NOTE: Document One will have various notes about setting the scene. However, it’s possible to have a separate Document One for HOST that is a script she uses to help with lines. See PRODUCTION NOTES for more on this, and also about what Document One and other documents look like for the AUDIENCE MEMBERS.]) In your packets, you’ll find— (SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER CLAP.) Ah! Well, that’s perfect timing and just what I wanted to hear! You see, when setting the scene, you want to make sure to plan for the weather. An important part of step one, setting the scene for your murder mystery dinner party, is establishing mood. (SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER. HOST laughs giddily.) So you’ll want to be sure to plan for a dark and stormy night. (SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER.) Now here are some of our assistants who will be helping us tonight, some of my house staff. (HOUSEKEEPER and MAID ENTER DOWN RIGHT. MAID carries a tray of plates and silverware, and HOUSEKEEPER carries a stack of cloth napkins and a large tablecloth.)

HOUSEKEEPER: (Sets the napkins aside and holds up the large tablecloth.) Come! Grab this other end now. And pull! (MAID sets the tray on the side table and steps back, and they pull the tablecloth tight.) And now to the table with it! (Together, they place the tablecloth onto the table.) I’ve got four inches on my end. How’s it look on your end?

COLD-BLOODED CAVIARCaviar isn’t for everyone, but those who enjoy the finer things in life, such as us, will enjoy this new spin on an old favorite!Ingredients:

1 lb. fish eggs(NOTE: Substitute canned tuna if needed. Three 5 oz. cans should

do the trick.)1 liter vegetable oilCrackersBacon

Instructions: Fill a frying pot with the vegetable oil and place on a medium hot stovetop. Add fish eggs (or tuna) and fry until crispy. Remove from oil and set aside until cool.

Fry bacon in a standard frying pan. Remove and set aside until cooled. Clean your frying pan and put it where you’ll need it to be found later on in the evening (if you know what I mean).

Wrap the fish eggs (or tuna) in bacon and serve on crackers.Serves six to ten guests. Adjust as needed.

Document FourStep Five—Establish Character and Motive

By Miss Penelope Chrysler-MichelinSomeone is going to be murdered here tonight. After all, this is a murder mystery dinner party! So… step four was choosing your mark and I have done that bit for you. It could be anyone. So as things continue to play out, now it’s time to start considering who might be the killer and what motives they may have.

When hosting your own murder mystery dinner party, you’ll want to make sure everyone has motive. And you should invite only those guests who fit the bill. That, or build it into their character if you are doing all of this just for a bit of fun and pretend. If that’s the case, be sure to give them good character notes so that they can follow suit and build motive into their dialogue with the other characters. This way, everyone is a potential victim or potential killer. Some extra notes on my own guests follow as an example:

GOSSIP—She knows everyone in town. She knows their backgrounds and what motivates them. And she knows all their dirty little secrets. Could it be that she’ll use that to murder someone and frame someone else for it? Or could it be that someone is out to get her for knowing too much?

For preview only

RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

346

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

MAID: Um… (Steps back to look at the tablecloth.) …about six inches?HOUSEKEEPER: Then just a little tug should do. (Pulls the tablecloth

to her side a bit.) How about now?MAID: Looks like five inches.HOUSEKEEPER: And I’ve five inches on my end, so that’s perfect.

Now, remember… Miss Penelope requires perfection, so make sure those corners are tucked inward towards the end of the table.

MAID: Yes, ma’am. (HOUSEKEEPER and MAID fold the corners in at the ends.)

HOST: (To AUDIENCE.) When setting the scene, careful attention to every detail is of the utmost importance. If you’re taking notes—and you should be—feel free to take a moment to jot that down. “Attention to detail.”

HOUSEKEEPER: (To MAID.) Off with you now. Go get the centerpiece! It’s out in the conservatory. Mr. Lattice was shining it earlier.

MAID: Yes, ma’am. (EXITS UP LEFT. HOUSEKEEPER looks over the room and goes about tidying things, straightening chairs, placing the plates at each chair around the table.)

HOST: (To AUDIENCE.) That is my housekeeper, Miss Gwyneth. She’s been with the family for decades and is my most trusted companion. Which brings me to another show of hands… Who here has their own housekeeper to tend to the house? (Assuming no one raises their hands—seriously, how many folks have their own housekeeper? Nonetheless, HOST seems surprised by this.) No?! Um… then how about a butler? (No hands.) No? A full-time groundskeeper, then? (No hands.) Oh… well, you needn’t have a house staff to host your own murder mystery dinner party—though it certainly helps. Without a house staff, you may just have to set the scene all by yourself. What’s most important to know here is that your mansion should be spit spot for all the guests. Jot that down. Mansion. Spit spot. Anyways, Miss Gwyneth worked for my father and her mother worked for his father.

HOUSEKEEPER: (Responding to HOST.) And I practically raised you, my dear!

HOST: Yes, and bless your heart. I was a bit of a handful in my younger days, wasn’t I?

HOUSEKEEPER: (Laughs.) That’s putting it lightly, child!HOST: But what would I do without you? (To AUDIENCE.) In fact, it was

Miss Gwyneth who first noticed my love for murder mystery novels and encouraged me to follow my dreams.

HOUSEKEEPER: It’s like I’ve always said, dear, if you can’t do what you love, then it ain’t worth doing!

writings in an online forum, and he knows what he’s doing, but has never seemed to have caught a break. I’ve invited him here—and even paid his way here—in hopes of somehow helping him catch that break.

LADYKILLER—Hugh Glover. Ugh! This guy! He’s hit on me more times than I can count. I imagine he’s gold-digging, and he probably is. That or it’s just who he is. And, yeah… it’s just who he is, because he comes from money and doesn’t need it. He is the playboy of all playboys, this guy. And since he has no worries for money, he only has worries for love. When it comes down to it, I almost have a bit of a soft spot in my heart for this guy. But, he can also be a total creep, so be careful with this one, ladies.

Document ThreeStep Three—Serve Hors D’oeuvres

By Miss Penelope Chrysler-MichelinWe mustn’t forget that we are hosting a murder mystery dinner party. Thus, we must remember to plan for every meal course throughout the evening. We’ll begin with hors d’oeuvres, as that is the important first course of any dinner party of note. As your host, I’ve included some recipes, compliments of Miss Gwyneth, that may come in handy for you.

SHRIMP COCKTAIL OF DEATHThis is one of the recipes of the upper class that has been usurped from us by the common folk. Still, it is enjoyed by those who enjoy the finer things in life.Ingredients:

30 large shrimps1 cup ketchup1 tbsp horseradishJuice of one lemonGarlic to taste

Instructions: Clean and devein shrimp, because no one likes those shrimp poopies. Boil, then set aside in an ice bath to chill. Make sure it’s as cold as ice.

Prepare the cocktail sauce by mixing ketchup, horseradish, lemon juice, and garlic. Set aside and chill, by which I mean put your feet up, as you’ve worked hard.

Serve in your finest crystal wine glasses.Serves six to ten guests. Adjust as needed.

For preview only

4 45

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

HOST: And so here we are, hosting our very first murder mystery seminar! And it’s all thanks to you. (To AUDIENCE.) Well, as part of setting the scene, any good murder mystery dinner party must have a compelling story. (To HOUSEKEEPER.) Why don’t you tell them a bit about the family estate, Miss Gwyneth. (Mysteriously.) After all… I have a bit of my own… “scene setting” to do… (Passes by the table that holds the silverware and takes a large knife. Indicates the knife to HOUSEKEEPER.) You know… certain “props” need to be in certain places to make sure the scene is set correctly for our little mystery. And this knife is supposed to be in the upstairs hallway, if you’ll recall. (EXITS UP RIGHT.)

HOUSEKEEPER: Oh, right, of course. (To AUDIENCE.) Like Miss Penelope said, I’ve been the housekeeper here for years. (Indicates the framed portrait.) That there is Herbert Michelin, my former employer and Miss Penelope’s father. If you’re taking notes, it’s always important to have a framed portrait of yourself or the family patriarch… or matriarch. It should always be hung in a place where all your guests will see it, because it will serve as a reminder of your family’s wealth and history. Mr. Herbert Michelin’s father was a steel baron back in the day and was once one of the twenty most wealthy persons in the world. Times have changed though, and the family wealth has diminished over the years, but they’re still worth a hefty fortune compared to most. Why, this estate alone would go for at least a hundred million. But there are many other fine things in this household. (Grabs a plate.) Take this china for instance. It was given to the Michelin family as a gift from the crown prince after Herbert helped him negotiate a very important deal with the Goodyear family. And as we’re setting the scene for you and our guests tonight, such attention to detail is very important. As Miss Penelope desires everything to be just perfect, we’re using only the best china, the best linens, and the best—

MAID: (ENTERS UP LEFT with a silver candelabra.) Is this it?HOUSEKEEPER: (Takes the candelabra. Speaks to MAID, but plays to

the AUDIENCE as well.) Yes! This is the silver candelabra, worth a pretty penny itself, and the perfect centerpiece for our dinner party. This has been in the Michelin family for generations. Pure silver! Acquired from the Tabor family, the famous silver barons. And to make sure the scene is set correctly—per Miss Penelope’s careful instructions—it goes right here. (Places it at the center of the table.)

HOST: (ENTERS UP RIGHT with a giant wrench, which she casually places on the fireplace mantel.) Is everything set, Miss Gwyneth?

HOUSEKEEPER: Just about.

in the town, she will ditch the dirt on anyone and everyone. Because again… she’s a gossip through and through.

CELEBRITY—Charlotte Beauregard is a has-been and a wannabe. No, strike that. She can’t be a has-been because she never was one. But she is a wannabe and always has been. Long story short, she is a drama queen who strutted the boards years ago in our local theatre, which my family has supported for decades. (A little side note here: All of us should use our fortunes to support the arts. Arts funding is so depressingly limited these days, but the arts are pretty much all we have left in this dismal society. Support the arts!) Anyways, Charlotte got a few roles in a few little films and now she thinks she is little Miss Hollywood. She’s not. Well, she’s not, but she is more than anyone else who came from this god-forsaken town, still… she’s no Meryl Streep.

DOCTOR—Doctor Jennifer Nightingale is our local prodigy. She was the first in her class at the local high school and went on to the honors program at Stanford, where she decided to pursue a doctorate in medical doctorship. Once she acquired here doctorate, she decided to return home and provide doctorship to her hometown, even though she could be curing cancer in a big city hospital somewhere. Everyone loves her. She is my personal health care provider, because I expect nothing less than the very best when it comes to my health, and I intend to live to the ripe old age of 125. At which point, I have directed Dr. Nightingale to freeze my body to return again in the year 2090, when we will have finally discovered the medical miracle for aging that will return us all to the youth and vibrance of our thirties for as long as we can afford it.

LAWYER—James Wilhelm, Esq. He’s a lawyer. Do the math. You can figure it out yourself that he knows the dirt on a lot of people, and a lot of folks despise him. But he’s our local lawyer, so I’m stuck with him.

FREE SPIRIT—Venus Starship? Venus Starship? How can she be described in a hundred words or less? It’s impossible, that much is certain. Which is a credit to her and a compliment, don’t get me wrong. But still she’s… how can I put this politely…? She’s a little bit out there, if you know what I mean. God love her, though! Lots of people hate her, absolutely hate her! Because she’s pro-this and pro-that, and anti-this and anti-that. But, as far as I’m concerned, that’s a person who knows who she is and knows what she hopes and dreams for this world and knows what she absolutely cannot stand for in this world. Watch out for this one! She tells it like it is and she will fight you!

WRITER—Gregory Hemingway. Unlike my other guests, I don’t really know Gregory apart from his novels. I’m a reader and I’m always looking out for new, up-and-coming writers. I stumbled upon Gregory’s

For preview only

544

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

HOST: Good. Then go and tend to the dinner preparations.HOUSEKEEPER: Yes, ma’am. (EXITS DOWN RIGHT. MAID begins to

follow.) Oh no, not you. Remember, I need you for this next step?MAID: Oh, right! Yes, ma’am. (Stands by the table and waits.)HOST: (To AUDIENCE.) Now there’s one final detail that must be in

place when setting the scene and establishing mood…… Can anyone guess what that might be? (Takes answers if possible.) That’s right. Music! I’m glad you’re keeping up with your notes! And for that purpose, I’ve asked Miss Harmony Kline to join us tonight on the keys to help us set the mood. (PIANIST ENTERS UP RIGHT and takes a seat at the piano.) Miss Harmony Kline everyone! (PIANIST plays the opening bars of “Toccata and Fugue in D Minor,” by Bach, an organ tune often used to set a mood of darkness and dread. This will be the ENTRANCE MUSIC played with the arrival of each guest. [NOTE: ALL MUSIC can be played live, if possible, or can be cued music with mimed piano playing.])

End of Step One

Step TwoSelect Your Guests

HOST: So, once the scene is set, it’s time for step two—selecting your guests. Now, for the sake of simplicity, I’ve already selected my guests and we will introduce them in just a moment. But what you should remember here is that when selecting your guests, it’s absolutely vital that each of them has a reason to be there and a reason to come. And if they don’t have reason to be there, you must give them a reason, perhaps even creating a character for them to play and a script if necessary. If you want your murder mystery dinner party to be a hit, this is an essential step, so plan this part out as much as you need beforehand. For this part of the session, I’ve asked our new maid, Miss Shelly, to intro—

MAID: Miss Sherry.HOST: Excuse me? (Crosses to MAID at the table.)MAID: It’s Miss Sherry, ma’am. Not Shelly.HOST: Right, that’s what I said. (To AUDIENCE.) She’s new here. Now,

as I said, Miss Sandy here will go over the guest list with you. I’ve also invited Miss Gabby Reynolds to be here for this part as well to go over the guests’ backstories, included in Document Two, which you may open now. Gabby is an acquaintance of mine who has a bit of a reputation as the town gossip, which makes her perfect for this part of the seminar. She knows what’s going on behind the scenes in this town better than most anyone. If you know a gossip,

suspense to any moment. So be sure to include a talented musical artist in your plans for the evening.

MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS IN PLACE—Everything from your priceless artworks to the last dessert spoon must be in place if you want your murder mystery dinner party to go off without a hitch. Make sure that the portrait of your family patriarch is prominently displayed where all of your guests can see it clearly, as that will serve as an important reminder of your family’s backstory and their wealth and prominence. And, of course, this wouldn’t be a murder mystery dinner party without a murder later on in the evening, would it? So make certain that the murder weapon is precisely where it needs to be so that everything goes perfectly to plan.

Document TwoStep Two—Select Your Guests

By Miss Penelope Chrysler-MichelinWhen planning your murder mystery dinner party, step two, selecting your guests, is probably… no it is …possibly the most important step. You absolutely must invite an eclectic group of personalities. Whether they be family members or amongst your peer group of friends and associates, the primary goal is to invite a wide range of personality types. You want to have natural conflicts of personality. You also want to have surprising confluences of personality. Your guest list must be a carefully brewed mix of love and hate, happy and sad, ordinary and eccentric, intelligent and clueless, successes and failures, pushovers and go-getters, and on and on and you get the idea. A good resource for finding this perfect mix of people will be the horoscope in your local newspaper and also the Enneagram test.

Anyway… as an example of how to mix this up in the right way, I have invited some of my own connections to be here tonight to be a part of my own murder mystery dinner party and to give you an idea of how it works. What follows is a bit of background information about all of them:

GOSSIP—Miss Gabby Reynolds is the town gossip. No one mentions it to her, but everyone knows it. And whenever someone mentions as much in a private conversation that she’s snooping in on, she immediately interrupts the private conversation to prove the guilty parties otherwise. She doesn’t like the label, because it’s rude to be a gossip, and so always insists she is neither a snoop, nor a gossip. (Even though she is through and through!) If you confide in her, like I have, and agree with her that she is not a snoop, but rather just a well-connected socialite who knows who’s who and what’s up and down

For preview only

RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

6 43

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

they will come in handy when you host your own murder mystery dinner party. (To MAID.) Now, has Miss Reynolds arrived yet?

MAID: No, ma’am. (SOUND EFFECT: DOORBELL.)HOST: That’ll be her now. Go ahead with the introductions, Miss

Shirley. And be sure to take everyone’s cell phones as they come in. (MAID puts the finishing touches on the room as HOST turns to the AUDIENCE.) I forgot to address that in step one, when we set the scene, so let’s call that step one-A. Except no, that won’t work. We’re on step two now, aren’t we? So it’s step two-A, then—no cell phones allowed. Everyone knows cell phones cause all sorts of problems when you’re planning a murder. (Catches herself. To AUDIENCE, careful to use the right words this time.) …That is, when you’re planning a murder mystery dinner party. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a few more preparations to make for our… (With extra emphasis for the AUDIENCE.) …murder mystery dinner party. (Winks. Takes the candelabra from the table, conceals it behind her back, and EXITS UP RIGHT as MAID crosses to the door DOWN LEFT.)

MAID: (Opens the door. To GOSSIP.) You’re just in time, Miss Reynolds.GOSSIP: (ENTERS.) Good! Have any of the other guests arrived?

(Hands her phone to MAID, who puts it in a small basket near the door. [NOTE: Other guests will do the same as they enter, obviously instructed to do so prior to the dinner party.])

MAID: No, ma’am, but they should be here any moment now.GOSSIP: Good! (Takes positon DOWNSTAGE and speaks to AUDIENCE.)

I am Miss Gabby Reynolds, of the Grand County [or nearby county] Reynolds. As the chair of the Chamber of Commerce and senior loan officer of First Bank and Trust, I have insight and perhaps a bit of dirt to share about each of tonight’s guests. So, Miss Penelope has asked me to be here to help introduce them and give you some of their backstories. It will be important for this seminar, so I hope you’re all taking copious notes. You’ll need them. But also, if you have Document Two open, you can refer to that as— (SOUND EFFECT: DOORBELL.) Well! That’ll be guest number one. Refer to your guides for this segment. (To MAID.) Let in our next guest, if you will, please.

MAID: Yes, ma’am. (PIANIST plays ENTRANCE MUSIC as MAID goes to the door, opens it, and announces the guest. [NOTE: The same bit of music will be played with each entrance, stopping abruptly upon each guest’s entrance.]) Miss Charlotte Beauregard, the celebrity. (CELEBRITY ENTERS and hands her phone to MAID, who drops it in the basket. CELEBRITY takes a position DOWNSTAGE and poses. [NOTE: As each guest ENTERS, they will take a position

PROGRAM GUIDE DOCUMENTS

Document OneStep One—Setting the Scene

By Miss Penelope Chrysler-Michelin

Whenever one hosts their very own murder mystery dinner party, it is of the utmost importance that one set the scene. First impressions matter after all, and your first impression will be your setting, so be sure to get it right. Pay careful attention to every last detail. As your host, it is my goal to make sure that you have everything you need to plan your next murder mystery dinner party, so here are some of the things you and your house staff absolutely must address when setting the scene:

CONSIDER THE WEATHER—Weather goes such a long way to establish mood, so try to plan your party during a stormy month like April, or a dreary month like October, or a snowy month like December. It’s not entirely impossible to host your party in other months, but the weather in other months of the year may not cooperate with your desired goal of setting a mood that is dreadful and bleak. For further and more detailed weather planning, consult your local meteorologist or farmer’s almanac.

PREPARE THE MANSION—As your family mansion will be the primary setting for your murder mystery dinner party, you must make sure it is spit spot before your guests arrive. Have your house staff do a thorough cleaning prior to the engagement. Make sure that all of the silver is polished and all of the statues are dusted. Instruct your groundskeeper to give the hedge maze a good trim and to make sure no weeds are seen on the grounds. No one likes weeds. Also, have him… or her, because equality is important …have him bring in fresh flowers from the greenhouse. Fresh flowers will make your murder mystery dinner party really pop! I recommend orchids.

INSTRUCT THE HOUSE STAFF—Speaking of the house staff, they must be fully on board with your plans before your guests arrive. Make sure your staff is fully vetted and thoroughly background checked. Subject them to lie detector tests. Because trusting your staff is of extreme importance here. You must be able to trust them with everything. For it is they whom will assist you with your murder mystery dinner party and make sure that it goes off without a hitch.

SET THE MOOD WITH MUSIC—No one can deny the effects that music has on our moods. And who doesn’t throw a dinner party without a little light dinner music to set the scene anyway, am I right or am I right? A striking chord played at just the right time can add so much

For preview only

RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

742

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

DOWNSTAGE and pose in character to create a TABLEAU. They may break their pose to comment as indicated, but otherwise will maintain the TABLEAU. By the time this scene is finished, you have a DOWNSTAGE TABLEAU of ALL GUESTS.])

GOSSIP: This is Miss Charlotte Beauregard, our local homegrown celebrity and star of the off-Broadway stage and the small screen. (PIANIST plays a bit from “Give My Regards to Broadway.”)

CELEBRITY: (Breaks her pose for a moment to correct GOSSIP.) I do mostly independent films by important up-and-coming directors, that is. (Returns to pose.)

GOSSIP: Of course you do, darling. Bless your heart. (To AUDIENCE.) If you’re taking notes, you might want to make a note of that breach of etiquette. The guests aren’t supposed to speak out like that. At least not in this part of the seminar.

CELEBRITY: (Breaks pose.) I’m just making sure that you tell my story correctly.

GOSSIP: I haven’t even told your story yet—CELEBRITY: Well, get on with it then!GOSSIP: Hold your pose for this part like you’re supposed to and

I will! We have several guests to introduce and you’re not the most important one. (CELEBRITY scoffs, offended. Then, to AUDIENCE, slyly.) Or is she? (PIANIST plays a SUSPENSEFUL or DRAMATIC STING.)

CELEBRITY: Fine. (Goes back into her pose, overdramatically.)GOSSIP: The Michelin family has long invested in the theatre and thus

their paths have crossed often with Miss Charlotte Beauregard, but the most interesting thing you need to know is that she is an actress who is full of ambition. She once famously and purposely contracted the flu so that she could then spread it to a rival actor, who she was understudying, just in time for opening night. Her career means everything to her, and anyone who gets in the way of that becomes her enemy. You might want to jot that down. (SOUND EFFECT: DOORBELL. PIANIST plays ENTRANCE MUSIC as MAID opens the door.)

MAID: Our next guest, Mr. James Wilhelm, Esquire. The lawyer. (LAWYER ENTERS and hands MAID his phone. He takes a position DOWNSTAGE and poses.)

GOSSIP: James Wilhelm, Esquire is the most prominent lawyer in the region. Some consider him shady because of his constant commercials and his ever-so-convenient presence on the scene of every traffic accident that occurs in our small town.

LAWYER: (Breaks his pose.) Objection!

play overall. However, don’t feel as if you need to follow the dinner guide here specifically. Feel free to serve whatever you wish and add notes to these program guides, including recipes for whatever deadly culinary treats you might serve. Just make sure to write additional material in Miss Penelope’s voice as much as possible, using the other documents as inspiration.

To summarize, feel free to do whatever is necessary to make these documents work for your particular production, but be sure to keep them in character!

For preview only

8 41

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

GOSSIP: Over-ruled. (LAWYER returns to his pose.) He is the Michelin family lawyer. Then again, he’s pretty much everyone’s lawyer in this town, given that he’s the only lawyer. Like me, he knows everyone in town. Refer to your notes on this one. (SOUND EFFECT: DOORBELL. PIANIST plays ENTRANCE MUSIC as MAID opens the door.)

MAID: Miss Venus Starship. The free spirit.FREE SPIRIT: (ENTERS and hands MAID her phone.) Don’t call me

“miss.” I don’t do labels. For that matter, don’t call me the free spirit, either, for we are not defined by labels, and our auras will lead us wherever they may go… (Takes her pose DOWNSTAGE. The pose is a recognizable standing yoga pose, such as the “tree pose.”)

GOSSIP: Venus Starship is an active advocate for a great many various mainstream and fringe issues, including vegetarianism, animal rights, extraterrestrial rights, ghost rights, vampire rights—

FREE SPIRIT: (Breaks her pose.) Don’t forget trans-dimensional human rights, for all of us who are able to transcend this dimension and travel among all dimensions across space and time… (Returns to her yoga pose. PIANIST plays “SPACY” MUSIC.)

GOSSIP: Oh, yes, that as well. Trans-dimensional rights… among many other things that are not obvious to the rest of us. She also teaches cold yoga classes on the weekends and hosts a regular Wednesday tea time with lost and wandering spirits who are unable to pass over to the great beyond… (Mysteriously.) …or so she claims. She’s a wildcard and perhaps the strangest one of the bunch, so maybe jot that down, if it seems useful. She seems downright kooky to me, but your mileage may vary…(FREE SPIRIT is too meditative to react to this insult. SOUND EFFECT: DOORBELL. PIANIST plays ENTRANCE MUSIC as MAID opens the door.)

MAID: Mr. Hannibal Lattice, the groundskeeper. (GROUNDSKEEPER stands ominously in the doorway holding a shovel. SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER CLAP.)

GOSSIP: But he’s not a guest!GROUNDSKEEPER: (ENTERS.) No, no, I’m not a guest. I was wondering

if the lady of the house was available.GOSSIP: We’re sort of in the middle of something here. Can it wait?GROUNDSKEEPER: Well, I’m not sure. There’s a bit of weather coming

in, you see, and— (SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER CLAP.)GOSSIP: It will have to wait.DOCTOR: (ENTERS DOWN LEFT. From the doorway.) Hello. Am I early?GOSSIP: No, no, you’re just in time. (To GROUNDSKEEPER.) Whatever

it is will have to wait, Mr. Lattice.

INSPECTOR can be played as Harriet Enigma.

When using FLEXIBLE CASTING or changing genders of a character, be sure to adjust the characters’ names and pronouns in program guide Documents Two and Four, below.

CUTTING FOR TIME If some steps and scenes are skipped to shorten the runtime, such as eliminating some meal courses or choosing not to perform the show as dinner theatre, feel free to adjust the play’s subtitle and dialogue in accordance with the reduced number of steps.

ABOUT PROGRAM GUIDESThe program guides are simply sealed envelopes marked according to their number and each clearly labeled, “Do NOT open until instructed to do so!” Wording and information about the general contents of each of the six documents is provided below.

Though Miss Penelope makes much ado about these documents and constantly reminds audience members to take copious notes, the program guides and note-taking materials are part of the misdirection and red herrings necessary to the show. While they are an essential component, they are mostly just for fun and games and part of the (hopefully) unexpected twist. You may transcribe this information directly from the script or use the documents that can be found online at:

https://www.PioneerDrama.com/PDF/HOWTOHOSTA_CluePacket.pdf

You are also free to add to these notes as desired, especially in the recipe sections. Just make sure directions are written in Miss Penelope’s voice as much as possible and only give helpful (or unhelpful) advice on how to host a murder mystery dinner party (which is the entire point).

If doing this as dinner theatre, program guides are preset at the tables along with pencil and paper for note taking. Otherwise, guides and note taking materials are handed to audience members as they arrive.

If creating a packet for each individual audience member is too burdensome, provide one per table or group and encourage sharing the packets. All audience members will still need to be provided with note taking supplies, which is another important red herring.

Included below is a full program guide written from the voice of our host, Miss Penelope. The idea is that she wrote these documents, including the recipes, so they all reflect her perspective as a very rich socialite who, for the most part, is extremely out of touch with reality. Please do not cut any of the recipes from your program guide as they are there for reasons that pertain to character development and the

For preview only

940

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

GROUNDSKEEPER: Yes, ma’am. (EXITS DOWN LEFT past DOCTOR, who steps forward and hands MAID her phone.)

MAID: (Announces.) Dr. Jennifer Nightingale, the town physician. (PIANIST plays two notes back and forth to create a SIREN EFFECT. DOCTOR takes a position DOWNSTAGE and poses.)

GOSSIP: Dr. Nightingale runs the most successful family medical clinic in town and is Miss Penelope’s personal physician. She doesn’t make house calls, but will do so for Miss Penelope. But only a few people know that Dr. Nightingale is a little free with the prescriptions—if the price is right…

DOCTOR: (Breaks her pose.) That’s not true! (To GOSSIP.) You’ll have me lose my practice saying such things!

GOSSIP: I’m here for a reason, Doc—to spill the beans. And you’re here for a reason, too, so can it and hold your pose until it’s your turn to speak.

DOCTOR: Yes, yes. Right, right. (Returns to her pose. SOUND EFFECT: DOORBELL. PIANIST plays ENTRANCE MUSIC as MAID moves to the door.)

HOST: (ENTERS UP RIGHT holding a giant swordfish. [NOTE: Assuming you don’t have a giant swordfish lying around, a cutout will suffice.] HOST has removed her robe and is now in a formal evening gown. She wields the swordfish awkwardly, almost impaling some of the guests as she crosses to DOWN RIGHT.) Oh, hello everyone! Just making a few final preparations for our murder mystery dinner party. I’ll be with you in a moment. Just act like you never saw me! (She EXITS DOWN RIGHT.)

MAID: (Opens the door.) Mr. Hugh Glover, the… (Swoons.) …the…LADYKILLER: (ENTERS with a rose. To MAID, putting on the moves.)

Well, what do we have here? A new lady of the house?MAID: (Blushes and stutters shyly.) N-n-n-no, sir. Ahem… merely a

house servant.LADYKILLER: (Rubs the rose across her cheek.) Oh, but you’re much

more than that…GOSSIP: Hey! You know the drill, pal! We have a presentation to run,

so give the lady your phone and take your pose!LADYKILLER: (To MAID.) We’ll talk later. (Hands MAID his phone and

takes a position DOWNSTAGE and poses with the rose in his teeth or displayed prominently.)

GOSSIP: Like Miss Penelope, Mr. Hugh Glover comes from money. He fancies himself an entrepreneur of sorts, dabbling in various upstarts. But having been blessed with remarkable handsomeness and charisma, he is mostly known as the town’s most eligible

MUSICPianist’s cues include “Toccata and Fugue in D Minor,” by Johann Sebastian Bach; “Give My Regards to Broadway;” dreadful refrain; spacy music; siren effect; the first four notes of the Dragnet theme; light dinner music; suspenseful, dramatic, and/or ominous stings; and any other chords or refrains that can set the mood and provide appropriate musical drama.

COSTUMESHOST wears a kimono-style robe and slippers until guests arrive, at

which time she then appears in a formal evening gown (perhaps with sequins, definitely “a choice”), and high heels. For ease of costume change, she can wear the gown underneath the robe.

HOUSEKEEPER and MAID wear cliché maid attire, including black dresses with white aprons and white caps.

PIANIST wears all black, so as not to be noticed.GROUNDSKEEPER wears coveralls or overalls.GOSSIP, CELEBRITY, and DOCTOR wear formal dinner dresses and

carry small purses. DOCTOR may have a stethoscope, CELEBRITY could have a boa.

LAWYER wears a fine business suit.WRITER wears khaki pants and a polo shirt.LADYKILLER wears a flashy, formal suit vest in a bold color.FREE SPIRIT wears a loose dress that is light and flowing. She could

also have dreadlocks.LOST TRAVELER wears jeans and a band t-shirt. A “Marky Mark

and the Funky Bunch” t-shirt would be perfect, if you can find or make one.

INSPECTOR wears a trench coat and fedora.

FLEXIBLE CASTINGThe following roles can be played as either male or female by simply changing names and pronouns, as well as adjusting costumes as needed. Name substitutions are as follows:

HOST can be played as Herbert Michelin III. (When referencing the father’s portrait, it should be referred to as Herbert Michelin, Jr.)

PIANIST can be played as Stan Zapelli.

DOCTOR can be played as Dr. Jackson Nightingale.

WRITER can be played as Serena Hemingway.

For preview only

RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

10 39

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

bachelor. When he enters a room, the ladies swoon, and he is more than happy to sweep them off their feet. That’s why they call him… the Ladykiller. If you’re taking notes, you might want to jot that down. (SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER. DOORBELL. PIANIST plays ENTRANCE MUSIC as MAID opens the door.)

MAID: Mr. Gregory Hemin—GROUNDSKEEPER: (ENTERS, this time with a pitchfork.) No, it’s

just me again. Just the pesky old groundskeeper. Is Miss Penelope around?

GOSSIP: No, you just missed her. (Sternly.) But you keep interrupting and you know we have a seminar to present.

GROUNDSKEEPER: Yes, I’ve been given strict instructions not to interrupt tonight. It’s just that the rain is coming down now, and I’m worried about—

GOSSIP: So you’ll go back to your duties, Mr. Hannibal.GROUNDSKEEPER: Yes, but it’s just that the—GOSSIP: No buts! We have work to do here, and you’re interrupting

when you’ve been instructed not to, no matter the reason. Miss Penelope’s work will not be disturbed tonight. Understood?

GROUNDSKEEPER: Yes, ma’am. (Tips his hat and EXITS.)GOSSIP: If you’re taking notes, you might want to make a note of

that, as well. It’s not in our program for tonight’s presentation, but then again… you never know what will happen! And that pesky groundskeeper refuses to follow protocol and continues to defy his strict instructions— (SOUND EFFECT: DOORBELL.) Ah! That should be Mr. Gregory Hemingway, now. (To MAID.) If you will…

MAID: (Opens the door.) Mr. Gregory Hemingway, the writer.WRITER: (ENTERS and hands MAID his phone.) Where do I…?MAID: (Points DOWNSTAGE.) Over there.WRITER: Thank you. (Takes a position downstage and poses.)GOSSIP: Interesting.MAID: Sorry?GOSSIP: Oh, no. You’re fine, love. I just find it interesting that the

writer would be the first guest to follow the rules.WRITER: (Breaks his pose.) Did I do something wrong?GOSSIP: No, not at all. That’s my point.WRITER: If I did something wrong, I’m open to making changes. Do

you have any feedback for me? Any constructive criticism?GOSSIP: No, no. That’s— (Groans.) You’re fine, dearie. You did

nothing wrong.

PRODUCTION NOTES

PROPERTIES ONSTAGELarge dining table with seven chairs, two armchairs, side table, portrait

of Herbert Michelin, fireplace, mantel, small basket, large flower pot, piano.

PROPERTIES BROUGHT ONPrologue:

Extra program guide (HOST)Scene One:

Copy of Document One, giant wrench (HOST)Tray with plates, silverware, large knife, silver candelabra (MAID)Cloth napkins, large tablecloth (HOUSEKEEPER)

Scene Two:Phones (GUESTS)Shovel, pitchfork (GROUNDSKEEPER)Giant swordfish, large bottle marked poison (HOST)Rose (LADYKILLER)

Scene Three:Platters of hors d’oeuvres, napkins (HOUSEKEEPER, MAID)

Scene Four:Scythe (GROUNDSKEEPER)

Scene Five:Teacup (CELEBRITY)Platter of hors d’oeuvres (MAID)Business card (LAWYER)Glass (FREE SPIRIT)Longsword (HOST)

Scene Six:Heavy chain (GROUNDSKEEPER)

Scene Seven:Dinner service as needed (HOUSEKEEPER, MAID)

Scene Nine:Axe, baseball bat (GROUNDSKEEPER)

Scene Fourteen:Dessert service as needed (HOUSEKEEPER, MAID)

SOUND EFFECTSThunder, doorbell.

For preview only

RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

1138

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

1

5

WRITER: (Exhales in relief.) Okay, wow. I was worried I might have done somethi—

GOSSIP: You’re fine! Don’t get ahead of yourself with worry. You haven’t done anything wrong…

WRITER: Okay, good.GOSSIP: (To WRITER.) …yet. (To AUDIENCE, mysteriously.) But the

night is still young. (Back to form.) Anyway, getting back to our introductions… Mr. Gregory Hemingway is a local novelist who has risen to global fame with his true crime novels. Still, he’s a sensitive sort. I suppose it may come with the job. That said, he’s also a writer of true crime novels, so… make of that what you will. Now, I’m not one to be judge, jury, and executioner—don’t get me wrong—I’m just saying… he writes true crime novels, so you might want to make a note of that. If you know what I’m saying… (Winks slyly at the AUDIENCE.)

HOST: (ENTERS DOWN RIGHT with a large bottle marked poison. She crosses and hides it in the flowerpot, then moves DOWNSTAGE. To GOSSIP.) Pardon my absence. I’m sure you understand.

GOSSIP: Yes. Just doing my part, as instructed.HOST: So you’ve introduced all of the guests?GOSSIP: I have, except for—HOST: No, no! That’s for a later step.GOSSIP: Right.HOST: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves or spoil anything. (To MAID.)

Speaking of that, did any of the seminar attendees open their packets too early?

MAID: Not that I saw, ma’am. And I was watching closely, per your instructions.

HOST: Good. We wouldn’t want anyone to spoil the big surprise! After all, there’s still much to learn tonight!

End of Step Two

Step ThreeServe Hors d’Oeuvres

HOST: Well, then it seems everything is in order and we should move on to the next step. After all, this is not just a murder mystery, it’s also a dinner party, so what good is it without food, right? So that brings us to step three, serve hors d’oeuvres. This is the part where everyone mixes and makes small talk and nibbles on juicy and savory snacks… and perhaps a few sweets, as well! You may now open Document Three, which will go over ideas for hors d’oeuvres. Feel free to skim over them as you nosh and

~The Punchline~Whichever ending is chosen, HOST pops up at the end (or turns to AUDIENCE, depending on the ending).HOST: And that is how you host your own murder mystery dinner

party! (BLACKOUT.)END OF PLAY

For preview only

12 37

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

maybe review your previous notes. If you don’t mind, I have a few more preparations to make, so I’ll take my leave once again, but I hope everyone enjoys the hors d’oeuvres… (To PIANIST.) Give us a song, Sam! (PIANIST begins playing LIGHT DINNER MUSIC. To AUDIENCE.) Ta-ta! (EXITS UP LEFT. Meanwhile, HOUSEKEEPER and MAID ENTER and serve hors d’oeuvres to the GUESTS. [NOTE: The GUESTS should improvise having hors d’oeuvres in character during this segment.] If doing the show as a dinner theater piece, ADDITONAL SERVERS serve hors d’oeuvres to the AUDIENCE.)

End of Step Three

Step FourChoose Your Mark

GUESTS mill about and continue to nosh on hors d’oeuvres, attended to by MAID and HOUSEKEEPER, as HOST ENTERS UP LEFT to continue the seminar.HOST: (To AUDIENCE.) Now that everyone has had a nibble and…

(Gestures, as if to cue the thunder. SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER.) …the mood is set, you’ve got your audience hooked and your murder mystery dinner party is off and running! But we still have much more to learn in tonight’s seminar… That is to say, it’s time for step four, choosing your mark. In other words, who will be your victim? Which poor sap will be the one who dies? Who should it be? Who will it be? Does anyone know yet? Should we do a show of hands? That could be fun… (Crosses to DOCTOR.) Is it the doctor? Who thinks it should be the doctor? (Beat.) Oh, I see. Interesting. (Crosses to WRITER.) Or perhaps it is the writer? (Crosses to FREE SPIRIT.) Or maybe you wish to see the free spirit, Ms. Venus Starship, dead? (Beat.) Ah, could be… Or perhaps it is… (SOUND EFFECT: DOORBELL.) …perhaps it is someone else? Perhaps someone you haven’t met who is waiting behind that door? (MAID crosses to the door. To MAID.) No, no! I’ll get it. (MAID goes back to serving GUESTS as HOST crosses to the door.) Yes… perhaps it could be… (Opens the door. It is GROUNDKEEPER, again standing in the doorway ominously, and now with a scythe. If possible, he’s also soaking wet from rain. SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER.)

GROUNDSKEEPER: (ENTERS with his head down.) I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I know I’m not supposed to interrupt, but I must see Miss Penelope at once. (Raises his head to see that it is HOST who opened the door.) Oh… it’s you! Umm…

HOST: (Playing to the AUDIENCE.) Well, this was not expected. (To GROUNDKEEPER.) What is it, Hannibal?!

And all because she wouldn’t listen! So, yes… I killed her! And it serves her right for never listening to me or taking me seriously.

~If it was Inspector~INSPECTOR: …me! I confess, I did it. (PIANIST plays a DRAMATIC

STING. ALL appear shocked.)FREE SPIRIT: But… why?LAWYER: Not why, but how! You weren’t even here!WRITER: Yeah, that doesn’t make any sense.INSPECTOR: I don’t know, really. I suppose I was getting bored with

the good guy, public servant, inspector thing. I was in a rut and thought I’d try something new for a change. So, why not commit the perfect crime?

WRITER: How is it the perfect crime if you’re admitting to it?CELEBRITY: Well, none of us ever saw it coming… So, it seems like

a good twist. (WRITER sighs heavily, clearly annoyed.)

~If it was Pianist~INSPECTOR: …Harmony Kline, the pianist! (PIANIST plays a DRAMATIC

STING. ALL appear shocked.)CELEBRITY: No way!WRITER: I didn’t see that one coming!HOUSEKEEPER: It can’t have been her!INSPECTOR: Oh, but it was her. All along!HOUSEKEEPER: But why?INSPECTOR: Perhaps she can explain?PIANIST: Of course! I did it for… (Plays the MOST DRAMATIC STING.)

…the drama!

~If it was Host~INSPECTOR: …Miss Penelope Michelin, our host! (PIANIST plays a

DRAMATIC STING. ALL appear shocked.)MISS PENELOPE: (Stands.) Well done, Inspector!LOST TRAVELER: But how did you know?INSPECTOR: Simple! It was in the script all along.MISS PENELOPE: Yes, it was all part of my plan.LOST TRAVELER: But I didn’t get a script!MISS PENELOPE: That’s right, Mark, you didn’t. But I hope you had

fun, nonetheless.LOST TRAVELER: Oh, I did! This was thrilling!

For preview only

1336

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

GROUNDSKEEPER: It’s the storm, ma’am. The rain’s coming in hard and I’m worried if we don’t act soon, well… it’s possible that no one will be able to leave tonight if we don’t leave now.

HOST: Leave? (Laughs.) Why would anyone want to leave? (Indicates the room.) Look at what fun we’re all having.

GROUNDSKEEPER: Yes, but, it’s just that the bridge—HOST: Oh, you! Don’t you worry about that bridge. It’s been here for

generations. It was built by my father’s father’s father over four centuries ago, and it’s never once been a worry.

GROUNDSKEEPER: Miss Penelope, if I may—HOST: No, no! We have an audience here and they have come here

to learn about the subtle art of hosting a murder mystery dinner party. And now thanks to you, we are off script!

GROUNDSKEEPER: But, ma’am, this is very serious! I am certain that if we don’t act now, the bridge will surely—

HOST: (Firmly.) No, no! You will go about your duties Mr. Hannibal. I assure you that bridge is just fine.

GROUNDSKEEPER: Yes, ma’am. (EXITS.)HOST: (TO AUDIENCE.) Don’t mind him. He’s over-worried about that

bridge. But I do hope you’re taking notes on this. Anyway, where were we?

HOUSEKEEPER: You were selecting your mark, ma’am.HOST: Oh, yes, right. Let’s see… (Crosses to LADYKILLER.) You might

choose the Ladykiller as your target. (Crosses to LAWYER.) Or it might be the lawyer… It could be anyone really, but that’s my little secret, of course. We wouldn’t want to ruin any surprises, would we? At least for the time being. So at this point, once you’ve chosen your mark, you’ve completed step four. Now, let’s move onto the next step…

End of Step Four

Step FiveEstablish Character and Motive

HOST: So… step five. In step five, we have two main goals—establish character and motive. You may now open your next document. Document Four. You’ll see that this is the part where you encourage small talk amongst your guests and find ways to get to know them better. This is the part where you further establish their characters and let them speak for themselves. This is the part where we get to know them better and… well… I must warn you— this is the most difficult part of hosting a murder mystery dinner party. But it is also one of the most important parts, because you’ll be leaving

MAID: Wait a second. How much do I get for being part of the service staff for three days?

GROUNDSKEEPER: Yeah, and what about me! I’ve been here for ten years! How much do I get?

~If it was Maid~INSPECTOR: …Miss Sherry, the maid! (PIANIST plays a DRAMATIC

STING. ALL appear shocked.)HOUSEKEEPER: You?MAID: Well, I didn’t plan to. I really needed this job. And I liked it in

the couple of days I’ve been here. In fact, I loved everything about it. (To LADYKILLER.) And it even brought me to you.

LADYKILLER: I thought we had something going here.MAID: Me, too. (To ALL, with angst.) But then Miss Penelope couldn’t

ever remember my name. So when she called me Sally, I just couldn’t stand it anymore! And I took the candlestick that she had planned to use to kill Mr. Glover with, and I—

LADYKILLER: Wait. It was me who she meant to kill all along?MAID: Oh, that’s right. It was you. (Fawns. Then, sadly.) You were the

mark all along. Sorry. We could have had something… I mean… it’s not too late.

LADYKILLER: Oh?INSPECTOR: Get on with it!MAID: Right. Well, so she was going to kill him—and I like him—and

she didn’t remember my name, so… Yeah, I done it. It was me and I don’t care if I lose this new job! (To LADYKILLER.) But I hope I haven’t lost you…

~If it was Groundskeeper~INSPECTOR: …Mr. Hannibal Lattice… the groundskeeper! (PIANIST

plays a DRAMATIC STING. ALL appear shocked.)LOST TRAVELER: Him? But why him?INSPECTOR: Simple. No one ever listens to him.GROUNDSKEEPER: It’s true. No one ever listens to me. I warned Miss

Penelope for years about planting grapes on the shady side of the house, but would she listen to me? No. I warned her for years about that bridge needing repair, but did she listen to me? No. I warned everyone here tonight that the rain was going to wash out that bridge and did anyone listen to me? No. And if only she had listened to me, then everyone here could have been safe tonight and could have gone home. But instead we’re all stranded here.

For preview only

RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

14 35

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

little hints about who the murderer may be and why they did it. This part almost always seems boring and tedious, but that’s just the trick! You must make it seem boring and tedious. This is where you lay the groundwork for your story and… well, that being said, it might be a good time to take extra careful notes. Anyway, let’s get into it, shall we? (To PIANIST.) Give us something light. (PIANIST plays LIGHT DINNER MUSIC, underscoring the dialogue of the scene. GUESTS continue to mill about, holding glasses, teacups, hors d’oeuvres plates, etc. as MAID and HOUSEKEEPER attend to them. To MAID.) Miss Sally? (Beat. No response.) Ahem, Miss Sally? (Beat.) Miss Sally!

MAID: Do you mean me, ma’am?HOST: Yes, of course, I mean you! Who else would I have meant?!MAID: Miss Sally?HOST: Precisely!MAID: But my name is Sherry, ma’am.HOST: Exactly what I said. Now, Miss Charlotte, what is one of the

ways we establish character?MAID: Umm… well… (Nervous, to AUDIENCE.) Umm… in your

documents, you’ll see that one of the ways to do so is to engage in small talk with your guests.

HOST: That’s right, Charla. (To AUDIENCE.) If you’re following along, you’ll see that that is one of the many ways laid out in your notes package to establish character. (To MAID.) So… (Nods toward the GUESTS.)

MAID: Right… (Crosses awkwardly to CELEBRITY, who is holding a teacup and chatting with GOSSIP. HOST crosses with her.) May I get you more coffee?

CELEBRITY: No, no! I can’t. It just kills the voice and these vocal cords are my bread and butter, love.

GOSSIP: Uh-oh. Here she goes!CELEBRITY: (Sings a warmup chord.) Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi… (Another.) …

mi, mi, mi, mi, mi… (Croaks a high note.) …miii! Oh my! You see?GOSSIP: I thought you said that was your bread and butter.CELEBRITY: Thus the importance of caring for the instrument. (To

MAID.) Better make it tea with lemon and honey if you would, love.MAID: Yes, ma’am.HOST: (Interrupts.) No, no! Allow me to get you that tea. It would be

my pleasure. (Takes CELEBRITY’S teacup. Winks to the AUDIENCE. Then, to MAID.) That’s better. Now, keep it up.

~If it was Lost Traveler~INSPECTOR: …Mark DeMarco, the lost traveler! (PIANIST plays a

DRAMATIC STING. ALL appear shocked.) You killed Miss Penelope before she could kill you!

LOST TRAVELER: I knew I should have left when I had the chance.INSPECTOR: My only question is this—how did you know you were the

mark, Mark, when you didn’t have a script like everyone else did?LOST TRAVELER: Miss Penelope said it straight to them… (Indicates

AUDIENCE.) …while I was standing right here. She said something to them about revealing… (Does air quotes.) …“the mark” and then we had dinner. And when we came back from dinner she talked about moving on to the murder, so I put two and two together and figured it had to be me! So, when the lights went out, I grabbed that sword from the table and took her out before she could take me out!

INSPECTOR: Hmmm… that stands to reason.MAID: Aha! So that’s why we put the candlestick on the table!

~If it was Housekeeper~INSPECTOR: …Miss Gwyneth, the housekeeper!GOSSIP: No! It can’t be her!FREE SPIRIT: Miss Gwyneth’s been with this family for generations!INSPECTOR: And that is exactly why she is the prime suspect! She

knew about the family fortune all along. She knew that Miss Penelope was the last of the line. She knew that there was no heir to the family fortune. Am I correct about that, Mr. Wilhelm?

LAWYER: That is correct, yes.INSPECTOR: And so she also knew that the Michelin estate and all

its belongings were to be split among the service staff if there was no heir, and that the head service staff would get the highest share of the estate. And, though Miss Penelope did not know it, as the house staff dwindled over the years, Miss Gwyneth knew that once she was the head of the service staff, she would receive the greatest portion of the estate.

DOCTOR: No!LAWYER: It’s true.INSPECTOR: Is that not so… Miss Gwyneth? (PIANIST plays a

DRAMATIC STING.)HOUSEKEEPER: You got me. (Offers her hands for cuffing.) Take me

in, Inspector.

For preview only

1534

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

MAID: Yes, ma’am. (HOST EXITS DOWN RIGHT. CELEBRITY moves along. To GOSSIP.) Any more hors d’oeuvres for you?

GOSSIP: Yeah. Keep ’em coming. Helps me seem inconspicuous, if you know what I mean.

MAID: Oh! Right! Like for eavesdropping on conversations?GOSSIP: Perhaps.MAID: Is that how you know all the town’s secrets?GOSSIP: Perhaps.MAID: You’re the town gossip, aren’t you?GOSSIP: So they say… but don’t you know it’s rude to spread such

rumors about people? (MAID is stunned and confused. GOSSIP offers her plate.) Load me up.

MAID: Yes, ma’am. (Grabs a platter of hors d’oeuvres and offers it. GOSSIP loads up her plate and then moves over to eavesdrop on the conversation between DOCTOR and LAWYER. HOST sneaks ON DOWN RIGHT, crosses UP LEFT, and EXITS.)

LAWYER: (To DOCTOR.) So tell me, Dr. Nightingale, what do you do for malpractice insurance?

DOCTOR: Oh, well, I really don’t like to talk too much about work, especially at social engagements like this. How’s your daughter? Off to Cambridge, I hear? Sorry, Miss Reynolds spilled the beans.

LAWYER: Yes, she is, but I’m serious. Are you insured?DOCTOR: Well, of course, I am. It comes with the job unfortunately.

But, hey, good for her! I hear Cambridge is—LAWYER: And are you pleased with your coverage?DOCTOR: I mean it’s adequate, I suppose…LAWYER: Just adequate?DOCTOR: Yes.LAWYER: I see. Well, if you ever find yourself in a bind, I am quite

familiar with medical malpractice law, if you know what I mean. (Elbows DOCTOR.)

DOCTOR: Well, I’m not really… I mean this is a dinner party and I’m just here for the food and company! How dare you ask such private questions in such a setting!

LAWYER: I hear you, I hear you. Anyway, here’s my card. (Hands a card to DOCTOR.) You know, in case you ever find yourself in a bind—if you know what I mean.

DOCTOR: (Takes the card.) Right. Thanks. (Awkward beat. Laughs.) Who knows? I may need a little legal assistance before long.

LAWYER: You never know.

INSPECTOR: I can and I will!LAWYER: Oh yeah?INSPECTOR: Yeah.LAWYER: You’re bluffing!INSPECTOR: I’m not.LAWYER: Well then, I’ll see you in court! Then we’ll see who has the

last laugh! (Laughs manically, like only a murderer would.)

~If it was Doctor~INSPECTOR: …Dr. Nightingale! (PIANIST plays a DRAMATIC STING.

ALL appear shocked.)DOCTOR: That’s right, I killed her! But it was for the greater good and

to save lives.FREE SPIRIT: Wait, what? That makes no sense.DOCTOR: It makes perfect sense! She was going to kill one of us,

and she could have even killed all of us. But she left that part out of our scripts and wouldn’t say who was going to be killed tonight.

CELEBRITY: She’s right about that. It wasn’t in my script.DOCTOR: So you should be thanking me for saving all of your lives!

~If it was Celebrity~INSPECTOR: …Charlotte Beauregard, the celebrity! (PIANIST plays a

DRAMATIC STING. ALL except GOSSIP appear shocked.)GOSSIP: I knew it was her all along!CELEBRITY: Please, darling, you know nothing about me.GOSSIP: I know you’ve done worse.CELEBRITY: Oh?INSPECTOR: And I do, too. We’ve been following you for months,

Miss Beauregard.CELEBRITY: (Feigns shock and innocence.) Little ol’ me?INSPECTOR: Yes, you! You, who poisoned the entire cast of

Little Shops of Horrors because you were cast in the Skid Row chorus instead of as Audrey. You, who shot the actor playing Alexander Hamilton, who was also the director and producer, and in Act One, before Aaron Burr ever had the chance! And just because you were cast as Peggy—not Angelica—in the regional production of Hamilton. You, who in Sweeney Todd, made pies out of your fellow—

CELEBRITY: Okay, fine! You got me.GOSSIP: I knew it was her!CELEBRITY: (Strikes a pose.) Anything for the part, right?

For preview only

16 33

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

DOCTOR: Right. You never know. (Laughs awkwardly as they break from one another, but continue to mingle or otherwise occupy themselves. DOCTOR runs into GOSSIP, who quickly acts nonchalant and moves away to eavesdrop on FREE SPIRIT. HOST ENTERS UP LEFT and sneaks OFF UP RIGHT.)

HOUSEKEEPER: (To FREE SPIRIT.) Can I refill your drink, ma’am?FREE SPIRIT: Oh, yes, please. But remember—HOUSEKEEPER: Nothing but ice.FREE SPIRIT: Yes, that’s right, because I’m—HOUSEKEEPER: On a fast to protest global warming. You mentioned

it in your character notes.FREE SPIRIT: That’s right. But it’s actually a pro-ice protest. It is one

of my many missions in life to make ice and the idea of ice more popular and welcome with the masses. If they see me consuming it, then perhaps they will want more of it. (Holds up her cup.) More ice, I say! And so I will consume nothing but—

HOUSEKEEPER: Ice. Nothing but ice. Yes, you’ve told me a dozen times now. (Reaches to take the glass from her.)

LADYKILLER: (Intervening, and taking the glass from FREE SPIRIT, before HOUSEKEEPER can take it.) Is this yours?

FREE SPIRIT: No.LADYKILLER: Well, it was yours just a moment ago, wasn’t it?FREE SPIRIT: No. I own nothing. Ownership is a concept of colonialism

and capitalism, and I reject both!LADYKILLER: Oooh! Feisty one, here! (To HOUSEKEEPER.) She’ll

have a—HOUSEKEEPER: (Takes the glass from LADYKILLER.) She’ll have a

glass full of ice!FREE SPIRIT: (To HOUSEKEEPER.) Thank you, Miss Gwyneth.LADYKILLER: (To HOUSEKEEPER, as she goes.) And that’s on me!HOUSEKEEPER: Bah! Miss Penelope is hosting this engagement, so

the ice is on her! You all can have all the ice you want, because she’s on the ice! (Catches her slip-up.) The ice is on the house, that is. (She’s OUT DOWN RIGHT, fast.)

FREE SPIRIT: Bless her! (TO LADYKILLER.) Now that’s a woman I respect!

LADYKILLER: Indeed. (Turning to FREE SPIRIT and putting on the moves.) But… speaking of women worthy of respect…

FREE SPIRIT: Don’t even try, pal!

had program guides that were almost nothing but recipes! And she was having these poor people take notes this entire time when it never really mattered at all. It was just the most terribly written, ill-conceived—

HOST: (Pops up, offended.) Okay, that’s enough. If you have a problem with the writing, then say it to my face!

WRITER: It was awful! The worst!HOST: Why I oughta—!WRITER: Come at me! I’ll kill you again! (PIANIST plays a

DRAMATIC STING.)

~If it was Ladykiller~INSPECTOR: …Hugh Glover, the ladykiller! (PIANIST plays a DRAMATIC

STING. ALL except WRITER appear shocked.)WRITER: (To AUDIENCE.) I mean… it was right there in his name, the

Ladykiller! You had to see that one coming, right?LADYKILLER: You don’t know anything.HOUSEKEEPER: We know you had a rival business interest. Perhaps

you killed Miss Penelope for money.LADYKILLER: Oh, that’s what you think?MAID: You didn’t do it? Did you? (LADYKILLER is silent. MAID is

shocked.) You did!LADYKILLER: (Piling on the charm.) Would you think less of me if

I did?MAID: (Blushes.) No… I mean… well… maybe…LADYKILLER: (Brushes MAID’S cheek.) What does your heart say?MAID: (Swoons.) My heart says… no, it doesn’t matter at all.LADYKILLER: (To ALL.) Then, in that case, it was me. I killed Miss

Penelope because she was the love of my life, my one and only, and the one and only woman to refuse me and break my heart. For years I tried to win her affections, but she always refused. I had to kill her to get her out of my dreams, out of my mind, out of my heart…! (To MAID.) So… what does your heart say now, sweet angel?

MAID: My heart says, “Ew, gross!” Take him in, Inspector! This man’s a murderer!

~If it was Lawyer~INSPECTOR: …James Wilhelm, Esquire, the lawyer! (PIANIST plays a

DRAMATIC STING. ALL appear shocked.)LAWYER: Prove it!

For preview only

1732

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

40

LADYKILLER: I mean, aren’t you tired, hon, because you’ve been running through my mind—

FREE SPIRIT: Save your breath, pal. It’s not gonna happen. (Moves away.)

LADYKILLER: (To AUDIENCE.) Huh. That’s a first. But you know what they say, “if at first you don’t succeed…” (Moves after FREE SPIRIT. She aims to avoid him, but they continue to mingle as the scene moves on.)

CELEBRITY: (To WRITER.) So you’re a writer, eh?WRITER: Yes. Well, you might say so. Mostly self-published so far,

but I’m still working toward—CELEBRITY: Were you aware that I am a star of stage and screen?WRITER: Umm… Yes. I mean, I’m vaguely familiar with your work.CELEBRITY: (Offended.) Vaguely?!WRITER: Well, I mean… sorry, no offense, I’m aware of your work but

can’t quite place you. If you know what I mean.CELEBRITY: You must have seen me on stage as Queen Cleopatra?WRITER: No, sorry. I’m a novelist. I don’t see very many plays.CELEBRITY: (Disappointed.) Oh. (Beat.) So you’re a novelist?WRITER: Yes! I mean, I have a few, tough I haven’t hit the big time

yet, but I’m still after it. Mostly dabbling in mystery and suspense.CELEBRITY: You write suspense novels?WRITER: Yeah. I try to draw inspiration from other writers in the genre…CELEBRITY: Of course!WRITER: …You know, like Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Stephen King,

Mary Higgins Clark, and of course, the great Agatha Christie—CELEBRITY: Oh! Then you must have seen my most recent film,

The Devil’s Advocate? That was an adaptation of one of Agatha Christie’s long lost works.

WRITER: I’m sorry, no. But Agatha Christie is a master of the genre. I just love her work!

CELEBRITY: (Offended.) Well! This must be why you’ve never been published. You have no sense for subtext or irony! (Moves away.)

WRITER: (Stunned, looks around and turns to GOSSIP, who is standing by and eavesdropping as usual.) What’d I say?

GOSSIP: (Laughs.) Oh, no! You were perfect! Don’t mind her, she’s always like that, believe me. Always fishing for compliments. If you aren’t gushing on about her, she wants nothing to do with you.

HOST: (ENTERS UP RIGHT with a longsword, which she casually places on the dinner table as if it were the replacement centerpiece for the

~If it was Gossip~INSPECTOR: …Gabby Reynolds, the town gossip! (PIANIST plays a

DRAMATIC STING. ALL appear shocked.) You knew Miss Penelope had it out for you in particular all along, didn’t you?

GOSSIP: I may have heard something… through the grapevine.INSPECTOR: And you knew you had to get to her before she got

to you!GOSSIP: Fine! Yes, it was me! I came to this little arrangement thinking

it would be fun and I especially loved that I got to have a special part in it tonight, spilling the beans on all of these other guests. But I had no idea who the mark was going to be. And I just had to find out! So I set out to do some digging, as I do. And It took me a while, but I finally got the dirt from my mailman, who heard it from the mayor’s wife, who heard it from the florist, that Miss Penelope was planning to murder me! (PIANIST plays a DRAMATIC STING.)

~If it was Free Spirit~INSPECTOR: …Venus Starship, the free spirit! (PIANIST plays a

DRAMATIC STING. ALL appear shocked.)DOCTOR: Her? But she wouldn’t hurt a fly!FREE SPIRIT: Are you kidding? Of course I would if it meant the earth

was saved.LAWYER: So you killed Miss Penelope to save the earth?FREE SPIRIT: (Correcting.) Mother Earth, thank you very much. And,

yes! The Michelin family business is not only the source of all that is wrong with the world—greed and corruption and enslaving the poor and destitute—but it is also one of the most polluting industries known to womankind! So, yes! I killed her… for the greater good! To save Mother Earth!

~If it was Writer~INSPECTOR: …Gregory Hemingway, the writer! (PIANIST plays a

DRAMATIC STING. ALL appear shocked.)WRITER: Ugh! How did you know?INSPECTOR: Isn’t it obvious?WRITER: I was hoping it wouldn’t be. She sent me the script and

asked me to be a part of this seminar. Conceptually, it seemed brilliant, but once I was here and saw the script playing out, I had to put a stop to it.

HOUSEKEEPER: But why?WRITER: Because it was just so bad! This is a terrible play, poorly

written, and full of clichés and obvious red herrings. I mean… she

For preview only

RIGHTS MUST BE PURCHASED BEFORE REPRODUCING THIS SCRIPT

18 31

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

1

5

10

15

20

25

30

35

candelabra she removed earlier. Then, to AUDIENCE.) And that’s step five! I hope you’ve been following along closely, because someone is going to be murdered tonight. And if you’re taking good notes you probably know who it will be by now, so we must be moving along.

End of Step Five

Step SixSetting the Plan into Motion

HOST: It’s now time for step six, setting the plan into motion. For this step, we’ll continue to let the guests converse amongst themsel— (SOUND EFFECT: DOORBELL.)

MAID: I’ll get it, ma’am.HOST: No, no! I’ll go. It’s surely that fool of a groundskeeper again,

still worried about that bridge. (To AUDIENCE.) If you’ll excuse me… (Goes to door.) If I’ve told you once, I’ve— (Opens the door and sees LOST TRAVELER.) Oh.

LOST TRAVELER: (Peers in, confused.) Um… hello?HOST: And who are you?LOST TRAVELER: Oh, yes, sorry. My name is Mark. Marcus DeMarco,

that is. (SOUND EFFECT: THUNDER.)HOST: Oh, well… umm… Please come in out of the rain. (LOST

TRAVELER ENTERS. To AUDIENCE.) Well, this was unexpected.LOST TRAVELER: (Sees OTHER GUESTS.) Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t

mean to interrupt your engagement.LAWYER: No, no, it’s fine.DOCTOR: Yes, please join us!FREE SPIRIT: What brings you here tonight, Mark?LOST TRAVELER: It’s this storm. The rain is really coming down as I

was traveling to my sister’s house over in Westchester [or nearby town]. A flash of lightning hit a tree, and it crashed down on the road in front of me. I swerved to avoid hitting it and ended up stuck in a ditch by the roadside. There was no getting it out and my phone was dead, so I set out walking along the road. And that’s when I saw lights on up here on the hill., I thought I might be able to use your phone?

HOUSEKEEPER: Oh, yes, of course you can, dearie! I mean, well, if that’s okay with the lady of the house.

LOST TRAVELER: If it isn’t any trouble…HOST: No! No! Of course not. Please, Miss Gwyneth, show Mark to

the phone in the library.

tonight! (PIANIST plays an OMINOUS STING.) Which leads us to our next step… determine—

HOUSEKEEPER: No! No! I’m sorry, Mr. Inspector, sir, but we have one more step.

INSPECTOR: We do?HOUSEKEEPER: Yes, we do! I haven’t slaved in the kitchen all week

for nothing!End of Step Thirteen

Step FourteenServe Dessert

HOUSEKEEPER: (To AUDIENCE.) Step fourteen, serve dessert. After all, I’m sure all of this detective work must have you hankering for a bit of sweets. And Miss Penelope would have wanted it this way.

INSPECTOR: Okay, yes. Of course. Step fourteen, serve dessert.MAID: You may now open your final packet. There are lots of great

dessert recipes in there, and I even wrote one myself!HOUSEKEEPER: While dessert is being served, and if you haven’t

done so already, take this time to fill out your ballots and make your guesses as to whodunit, which is the next—and final—step fifteen… determine whodunit. Your server will be collecting the ballots as dessert is served, so please fill them out right away!

INSPECTOR: Once dessert is over, all will be revealed! (Dessert is served.)

End of Step Fourteen

Step FifteenDetermine Whodunit

Once the dessert course has concluded, INSPECTOR reveals whodunit by using any of the following endings. This can be done by how the AUDIENCE voted or you can decide beforehand which ending to play at each performance. (Hopefully, you will get to perform a few of these over the course of your production. Murder mysteries with more than one possible ending are always more fun with multiple performances!)MAID: We hope you enjoyed your dessert, but we must be moving

along to the final step in our seminar. Step fifteen—find out whodunit! (PIANIST plays a DRAMATIC STING.)

HOUSEKEEPER: You’ve all submitted your guesses, and you all did very well… well, for the mo