Footloose & The Thing

8/3/2019 Footloose & The Thing

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the act that 3raig 'rewer actually understands what made the original ootloose #ecome

more than "ust a niche genre lick.

Thats what I liked. >ow re?reading this I can honestly say that the things I liked I

only did so #ecause they reminded me o the original. *4ell its a remake @aco# how else

is it supposed to #e goodC+ Dou timidly ask through your peasant "aw. Take a trip withme way #ack to the primiti$e time o (eptem#er E th. In my 6uliter winning retrospecti$e

o Fright >ight I said this *;the correct way to make a re#oot is as allows Gi$e only

nods to the original #ut eel ree to add or su#tract as much as you like to help gi$e themo$ie a modern update. It also doesnt hurt to ha$e a ew great actors.+ This is where this

mo$ie alls lat. $erything that was good was there #eore. I it had attempted to e$ol$e

some characters or gi$en a more modern take on the youthul re#ellion aspect. Instead it

is determined to add nothing and su#tract things that it should not ha$e.'ecause o that pre$ious sentence pro$ing my mastery o transitions I get to now

indulge in my a$orite part the things I hate. 'ecause this is a two?parter re$iew and Im

already spending too much time stroking my ego I will uickly list my pro#lems with the

mo$ie rom most annoying to least. 7 lot o the support characters all lat, e$eryone inthe cast cant keep an accent or an entire scene, the acting is generally weak, the tone

wa$ers rom -::J cheese to dark gritty death drama in the span o a single lap o ahumming#irds wings. Two more, less admira#le, complaints *crumping+ as I #elie$e it

is called is the ugliest thing I ha$e e$er seen and the act that the loser riend gets all

oended when a guy gra#s his girls ass it seems petty when the two leads, who are notdating, are #asically %ing in the middle o the dance loor.

In the end can a ilm really #e called *good+ i it did not make me hang mysel

with my own intestines like I thought it wouldC >o o course not. It is still a pointlessremake #ut I ha$e sat through worse ilms. 4e also must consider that I am not B and I

do not ha$e a $agina. )okay that time I am #eing misogynisticK This "ust isnt my type o

ilm. $en the -/0 one had more cheese and sap than a #atch o cheddar wales #ut atleast it was original and argua#ly launched the genre o musicals into a more mainstream

audience.

Kits actually more se8ist than misogynistic I "ust like that word.

The Thing

4hile I was ne$er a #ig an o ootloose I am a giant an o @ohn 3arpenters *The

Thing.+ I guess now we ha$e to say *@ohn 3arpenters+ The Thing #ecause now they

made this one. It was and still is an amaing horror ilm. It #roke the horror mo$ie ormat#y #eing a#le to #e a monster lick, a suspenseul mind #endy drama as you tried to

igure out who was inected, and a raunchy gore est all at the same time. 3om#ine that

with generally good story telling and The Thing has cemented itsel as one o the classichorror licks. >ow 2 years later some dipshit named 5atthi"s $an Hei"ningen decided to

remake the classic. I was not as #itter a#out this ilm as I was ootloose, mainly #ecause

o racism. !et me e8plain those >orse guys know their horror. !et the Right One in,


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ha$e pro$en time and time again that they know how to make me poop my pants. (o

when I saw that the director had "s ne8t to is in his name I was hopeul, still not e8cited,

#ut hopeul.4as I rewarded or attempting to meet this mo$ie halwayC Or did that snow cone

making #astard stomp on a classic as well as my heartC 4ell may#e i you stopped

o#sessi$ely stalking your e8 you could read the ne8t page and ind out.

The more mo$ie sa$$y o you will wonder why I keep calling this mo$ie a

remake when it clearly sets itsel up as a preuel #eing a#out the irst team to disco$erthe thing. orseman.+nd o likes.

This mo$ie is riddled with pro#lems. >ot e$en pro#lems that stem rom itsunoriginality, "ust #asic mo$ie pro#lems. 7ll o which I will list now. Firstly while the

irst time the monster emerges orm a human it is really ucking creepy and almost had

sold me on this rendition, #ut it ne$er lest up. 6eople "ust start coming apart at the seams

e$ery couple seconds. Deah it is a little creepy, #ut #y the end Im not e$en registeringthe grotesueness o it. I dont know how many times I ha$e to say this, #ut at least once

more I guess @MNT7?FM31I>G?6O(ITIO>. Things stop #eing e8citing and gross i we

see it happen e$ery i$e ucking secondsA Howe$er the worst part is the complete lack ocharacteriation. Okay horror licks are ne$er swimming in a#undance o deep characters

#ut e$en in things like (aw people at least ha$e a single deining trait like *I ha$e kids+

or *I hate hats.+ I cant tell you why anyone was there, e8cept the geologist lady, I canttell you how many people there were to #egin with, I cant e$en tell you the names o the

leads. Then we ha$e the continuity errors which would #e less noticea#le i the rest o the

ilm was e$en the least #it decent. For e8ample in one scene they corner the #east and

start shooting at it then they pull gas cans out o the ucking ther and douse the thing. Itis impossi#le to keep track o how the #east inects its $ictims. 4hich would normally

help the whole *keep you guessing, whose a #ad guy+ thing #ut instead it "ust makes you

conused as to why people who were ruled *not monster+ in an earlier scene startsprouting e8tra lim#s. Then theres the #usiness toward the end where the lady con$inces

the rest o them to disa#le the $ehicles. In the scene a guy clearly says *There now these

dont work #ecause I say so+ #ut all o a sudden with out any e8planation they take o insome snow crawly things in pursuit o the thing. Okay i you still want to see this mo$ie

the last and worst continuity thing is a spoiler, so "ust skip ahead to the part where I tell

you to not see the mo$ie anyway. 7t the $ery end the thing dies @aws style lea$ing what I

would reser$edly call the *lo$e interest+ and what I would reser$edly call the


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*protagonist+ chick ali$e and within dri$ing distance o rescue. Then out o ucking

nowhere the chick turns on him and says that hes actually a monster #ecause his earring

is on the wrong side. 7ssuming that she is some kind o 6sych type protagonist and couldnotice such a thing it was clearly esta#lished (PR7! TI5( that the thing could

>OT replicate anything inorganic. This whole thing com#ined with a terri#le *tie in+

seuence at the end makes or a $ery disappointing e8perience.

I you are amaingly thick you still might not know i I recommend ether o theseilms. Ill put it simply )and this applies to #oth I the original is like spooning a

supermodel made o @ello then these remakes are like getting hit n the #alls with a cricket

#at. Thanks or sitting through another trademarked @ay?ko# rant est. 7nd remem#er

(hit has come out recently stay home, unless you want to see

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Footloose & The Thing