Foolish Times January 2013

I KNOW I NEED CHANGING...PAGE 33

January 2013

January 20132

www.foolishtimes.net

Serving Breakfast and Lunch DailyCraft Beer & Local WineEspresso & Pastries

Capture the essence of the Mediterranean with the charm of Trailside Cafe. Located on the Recreation Trail in Cannery Row.

Ocean View Dining, Heated PatioPet Friendly, Free Parking, WiFi

550 Wave Street, Monterey

www.trailsidecafe.com831-649-8600

Foolish Mascot C ontest

Introducing The Great:

Once upon a foolish time, we here at FoolishTimes had a mascot…then he died. Well, to put it more accurately he sorta just went unnoticed like “tears in rain”. We dunno, perhaps he ran away

because of neglect and we simply didn’t realize it until about 5 years later one chilly afternoon while walking to the Crown and Anchor Pub

at about 12:37 pm on Monday December 3, 2012. However, now we lamentably realize the error of our ways. We have taken several positive steps to prove our worthiness. We have been to “Parent’s Autonomous”,

taken the “Parenting IQ Test” on the interwebs and � lled out all the required forms at the SPCA and can con� dently state that we now

know how to properly take care of those under our charge (except our editor, but that’s a whole other twisted tale). Now all we need is a little guy or gal to � ll this large, gaping hole in our quivering, mushy lump

of biomass we call a heart. But enough about our private, inward parts, this is all about you and the great opportunity that lies before you.

“Our Mascot Is Dead or Missing Can You Please Replace Him Foolish Mascot Contest”

A mascot worthy of placement within our paper, on our website, mugs, t-shirts, as a tattoo on our editors butt or whatever the hell we want to

place it on.

Our eternal gratitude along with your own inner sense of inner well-being that comes with being somewhat acknowledged as a

philanthropic, altruistic, creative person…

Ok, Fine! We’ll give you a few gift certi� cates to some local Monterey restaurants. Happy now?

Use your massive, creative prowess and either draw, sketch, paint (or whatever the hell you creative types do), and make us a mascot. Then � ll in the form on this page and upload your

mascot ladened � le through the special interweby, uploader button thingamagiger below. Then cross your � ngers and have a few

shots of Jägermeister. (unless of course you are under 21 or an alcoholic then just have a glass milk or something else less fun).

What you need to do in hopes of winning:

What You Get If You Win:

What We Want:

But Here’s t he Catch: Y ou have t o enter t he contest via our website!

www.foolishtimes.net/foolish-mascot-contest

Ready , Set , Get Fo o i l sh!

Once upon a foolish time, we here at FoolishTimes had a mascot…then he died. Well, to put it more accurately he sorta just went unnoticed like “tears in rain”. We dunno, perhaps he ran away

Once upon a foolish time, we here at FoolishTimes had a

Presents

Monday, April 1, 20136:30pm-9:30pm

@ The Trailside Cafe550 Wave St

Monterey, CA 93940More Details to Come!

Buffet Dinner & Great C omedy.Be There or Be...Foo l ish!

DON’T FORGET THE ADVERTISERS!

MIKE The Head Fool

The Head Fool Speaks: Editor's Note:

Like Us and More:

Savings Galore

Foolish Times Facebook Foolish Times Website Foolish Times Twitter

Sarah e-mail: [email protected]

Sarah Cell: (831) 262-5326

links Web Site, Facebook & twitter

Check out our website with your QR enabled smart phone. You will

� nd jokes, articles and savings.

Savings Galore



Sarah Cell: (831) 262-5326


Savings Galore



Sarah Cell: (831) 262-5326


Like us on Facebook

Follow uson Tweeter

Find out how, call the Head Fool:Mike

[email protected]

We Are Expanding, Join Our Team!

Have Your Own Territory andYour Own Business!

SUSIE Q., Editorial Fool [email protected]

If the world ended December 21, 2012, I got cheated.

Really you would think starting over in a new world things

would be diff erent maybe even better. My bank account is

still running on fumes, laundry needs doing as well as the

dirty dishes in the sink. The one thing that’s fi ne with me is

the ex and I are still not talking (32 years and 100 words, just

the way I like it). But seriously, if any of you benefi ted from the

world’s ending drop me a line and tell me about it. There are a

lot of exciting things happening in the FT world like the April

1st comedy night, search for a new mascot and the cross-

word puzzle is back.

This is a private message for Fairgrounds Cynthia . I’m Sorry

but after months of searching I can’t fi nd your number (CALL

ME)!!

The new year! For some reason, it's when we make

resolutions; never been sure why I can't seem to make them

throughout the year, too. But this time I resolve to keep them

... at least past the end of the month.

If one of your resolutions is to try new things ... like being

a cartoonist or writing a humor column, drop me a line. We're

always looking for new funnies.

If one of your dreams has always been to do stand up

comedy we're there for you. Our 2013 Comedy Night takes

place April 1 ... and we're not fooling! So get your schtick

together.

Whatever your plans are for the new year, I hope you

make Foolish Times a part of them. We're easy ... to read, of

course and to take along wherever your resolve leads you.

From all of us at FT - Happy New Year!

Remember, be careful, be safe, but always be funny!

WANTED!AUTHORS AND CARTOONISTS

CONTACT SUSIE [email protected]

January 2013What the (BLEEP )is Foolish Times?

Foolish Times is a free monthly tabloid publishing the best humor we can fi nd (some months we search harder than oth-ers). The opinions or ideas expressed by con-tributors are not necessarily those of Foolish Times, its owner, advertisers, or associates, or their extended families, or their friends or neighbors, or their associated pets, up to and including cockatiels. All articles, graph-ics, photographs, and what-not (especially the what-not) are copyrighted by the so-called “writers” and “artists” who contribute them. Foolish Times uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public fi gures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.

Submissions: We’re eager to read your stuff (see the Web site for back issues to get an idea of what we like). Just submit online to [email protected]. However, sub-missions must be received by the 15th of each month to be considered for the next publication. We off er no payment to con-tributors at this time (we’re saving to buy stamps).

Advertisers: For rate information, email

[email protected] or call 831-648-1038

For rat information, call your exterminator

List of Fools:Head Fool .................................................Mike M.Editorial Fool ...........................................Susie Q.Layout Fool .........................................Allison W.

C ontributors:Bini, Tom Burns, Ted Gagiulo,

Quarlen Qurossman, Monty Truitt, Robyn Justo, MikeT, Mike Larson, Rosie Sorenson, Hunter Kosmala, Mary Tomsett and John Sammom

Subscriptions:One year, $49.00. (That’s a mere $49.00 over

the newsstand price. The extra charge is to bribe someone to trek to the post offi ce and lick all those stamps, and get a beer or three along the way.) Send check or money order made out to Foolish Times, P.O. Box

4046, Monterey, CA 93942. Allow 4-6 weeks for fi rst delivery. No kidding. Snails

are slow, man. Website: www.foolishtimes.net. For best results, use a computer.

Foolish TimesP.O. Box 4046 • Monterey, CA 93942

Phone/Fax: 831.648.1038www.foolishtimes.net

January 20134

Salty Senior Silliness

January 2013

THE INTELLECTUALSTwo retired professors were

vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set.

The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"

To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes and I think it's these damned wicker chairs."

STINGY OLD LAWYERA stingy old lawyer who had

been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.

His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash."Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should

have had me put the money in the basement."

BUMPER SNICKERSMy grandmother has a bumper

sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' It's hard to think of my dear old granny in that way. What is she doing? Out entering wet shawl contests? Wheelchair racing? Teeth swapping? Makes me wonder where she got that ten dollar bill she gave me for my birthday.

EXERCISES FOR SENIORSYou know how important

exercise is, as we grow older. Here are a few suggestions. I start by standing outside behind the house and, with a five pound potato sack in each hand, extend my arms straight out to my sides and hold them there as long as I can.

After a few weeks I moved up to 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally I got to where I could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute!

Next, I started putting a few potatoes IN the sacks, but I would caution you not to overdo it at this level.

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

A DAY ON THE LINKSFour men were out golfing."These hills are getting

steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

YOU GOTTA KISS A LOT OF FROGS (before you meet the handsome prince)

A senior citizen was walking across a damp meadow when he heard a female voice say, "Sir, I would like to ask a great favor of you "He looked around and saw only a frog sitting on a grass pod. "I must be going nuts," he thought, "There's no one here."

The voice then said, "Please, sir. Please help me."

Again all he saw was the frog, looking straight at him.

"Who said that?" he asked rather loudly.

"I did, sir. I'm the frog. I was a beautiful 19-year-old princess but a witch put a spell on me. Please help me."

The old man picked up the frog and held it in his hand. "How can I help you?" he asked.

"The only thing that will break the spell is to have a man kiss me in the mouth. Please do it for me, and then I will again turn into a beautiful, sexy, princess and I will really make you feel young again. I will make great love to you."

The man closed his hand about the frog and stuffed it into his pocket. "At my age," he said, "I'd rather have a talking frog."

HAIR-DON’TThe older a man gets, the

more ways he learns to part his hair. Some men pull what little bit of hair they have around on their head to cover their baldness. However, as a man gets even older, he realizes there are basically only three ways to wear his hair--parted, unparted, and departed.

WAKE-UPAn elderly woman was telling

her daughter about a date with a 90-year-old man. "Believe it or not, I had to slap his face three times!" said the woman. "Do you mean that old man got fresh with you?" the daughter asked in disgust. "Oh, no!" her mother explained, "I had to keep slapping his face to keep him awake!"


January 2013 5


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DINERSARCHIE’S AMERICAN DINER

Archie's American Diner off ers a wide selection of home-style favorites with that classic 40's style. 1⁄2 lb Angus Burger, includes Fries and Drink for

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BLACK BEAR DINER Good Old-Fashioned Family Food, Open Every Day Serving, Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner.2450 N. Fremont, Monterey

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DONUTSRED'S DONUTS

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MEDITERRANEANKOKO'S CAFE

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419 Alvarado St., Monterey831.375.3777

MIDDLE EASTERNMAHA’S CUISINE

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" Best Caesar Salad," "Best Bloody Mary," and "Best Burger" on the peninsula. "Happy Hour Specials Every Day”

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CROWN ANDANCHOR

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California wines or select a classic single malt scotch. We are open from 11 A.M to 2 A.M. seven days a week. Lunch and dinner served all day. British Owned and Operated.150 W. Franklin St. (across from Marriott)

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SANDWICH SHOPMUNDOS CAFE

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233 N. Fremont, Monterey831.656.9244

WITH A VIEWTRAILSIDE CAFÉ &COFFEE HOUSE

Enjoy, Beignets, Benedicts, Salads, Fish Tacos, Beer, Wine and Full Coff ee Bar. Panoramic view of Monterey Bay,

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Duffy's TavernDuffy's Tavern

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To advertise your restaurant,Call 648-1038

January 20136

B Y T O M B U R N S

I f o u n d R e x i n t h e h a m m o c k o n t h e b a c k p o r c h , t a k i n g h i s t h i r d n a p t h a t m o r n i n g . “ R e x . Wa k e u p . R e x w h a t d o y o u w a n t t o d o t o d a y ? I t ’s a b e a u t i f u l S a t u r d a y m o r n i n g . T h e b i r d s a r e s i n g i n g . T h e s k i e s a r e b l u e . I ’ v e g o t t h e s i x m o n t h s o f l a u n d r y i n t h e d r y e r , a n d C a l t r a n s i s b r i n g i n g i n a s k i p l o a d e r t o c l e a n o u t t h e l i v i n g r o o m . Ye p . Pe r f e c t d a y .”

R e x w a g g e d h i s t a i l o n c e , e i t h e r a s s i g n a l t h a t h e a g r e e d , o r a s i g n a l t o s h u t m e u p .

“ S o w h a t s h a l l w e d o ? H o w a b o u t m e h i d i n g y o u i n m y p a r k a a n d I s n e a k y o u i n t o t o C o s t c o a n d w e e a t a l l t h e f r e e s n a c k s . M a y b e t h e y w i l l h a v e t h a t H e r r i n g H u m m u s J a l a p e ñ o B e a n d i p t h a t y o u l i k e s o m u c h .”

R e x ’s t a i l w a g g e d w i t h g u s t o . H e r e a l l y d o e s l i k e t h a t d i p , b u t s i n c e h e

h a s a n e x t r e m e l y l i m i t e d v o c a b u l a r y , h e p r o b a b l y w a g g e d f o r t h ef u n o f i t , n o t u n d e r s t a n d i n g a w o r d I s a i d .

“ Wa n n a h i t t h e R e c Tr a i l a n d s c o p e t h e s c e n e f o r c h i c k s ? G i r l s i n y o g a p a n t s ! W h o a b a b y ! ” R e x d i d n o t s h a r e m y e n t h u s i a s m f o r g i r l s i n y o g a p a n t s .

“ C o m e o n , m a n . We g o t t a g e t o u t o f t h e h o u s e a n d d o s o m e t h i n g f u n ! ” N o w a g . “ H e y , t h e r e ’s t h e h u b c a p c o n v e n t i o n a t t h e f a i r g r o u n d s . R e m e m b e r ? L a s t y e a r t h e y h a d t h a t f o r t y

y e a r c o l l e c t i o n o f t h o s e l i t t l e g r e e n C h r i s t m a s t r e e s h a p e d c a r d e o d o r i z e r s t h a t h a n g f r o m t h e r e a r v i e w m i r r o r . Wo w, t h a t w a s a m a z i n g .” R e x y a w n e d .

“ We c o u l d t r i m t h e C h r i s t m a s t r e e ! ” R e x l o o k e d a w a y. Pe r h a p s h e i s J e w i s h . Pe r h a p s b e c a u s e C h r i s t m a s h a d c o m e a n d g o n e a l r e a d y .

“ H o w a b o u t I g e t o u t t h e r e c o r d p l a y e r a n d p l a y t h e d o g s b a r k i n g J i n g l e B e l l s . Yo u a l w a y s l i k e t h a t .” I t l o o k e d a s t h o u g h R e x d i d n’ t l i k e t h a t a n y m o r e .

“ We c a n m a k e a g a r l a n d o u t o f s a u s a g e s a n d y o u c a n t r i m M i l l i e . G i v e y o u a g o o d e x c u s e t o l i c k h e r .” H i s E n g l i s h s h e e p d o g g i r l f r i e n d

s a t o n h e r s i d e o f t h e n e x t d o o r f e n c e , w a t c h i n g t h e t w o o f u s g o t h r o u g h t h e m i n d - n u m b i n g e x e r c i s e . S h e y a w n e d a n d w e n t b a c k i n s i d e h e r d o g h o u s e . I d i d n’ t b l a m e h e r .

continued on page 20

The Plan of the Day

Training Dogs with Issues-$25/[email protected]

The importance of

being foolish is to be

faithfully foolish to

perform yet another

year of life,

confounded.

QUOTE OF THE

MONTHBY BINI

Change

is inevitable,

except from a

vending machine.

EDUCATED FROGS

A librarian was quietly working when three chickens walked in and jumped on to the counter eyed her and

said "BUK BUK BUK" Not sure she was sane she gave the chickens three books and they left.

An hour later in walked the chickens again jumped onto the counter, returned the books they had taken earlier and

said "BUK BUK BUK" Now convinced she was out of her mind she gave them three books, they took one each and

left. This time she decided to follow them. She followed them down to the local pond and stood horrified as they

threw the books into the water.

All of a sudden they flew back out of the pond and a frog stuck it's head up saying "RREDIT RREDIT RREDIT!"

January 2013 7

Airport Shuttle Serving SFO, SJC and Monterey Airport

PSC 1620 See our schedule at www.montereyairbus.com

WRONG WAY A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving.

DUMMY A young ventriloquist was touring the clubs and one night he was doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he started going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the fourth row stood on her chair and started shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid

blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist began to apologize, and the blonde yelled, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

MILKY WAY Gloria the blonde once heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman Alan to leave 15 gallons of milk. When Alan read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the order. Gloria came to the door, and Alan said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?" Gloria said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to � ll my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath." Alan asked, "Oh, alright, would you

like it pasteurized?" Gloria replied, "No, just up to my waist." CHECK OUT I was shopping at our local supermarket. When I got to the checkout line, there was a beautiful young blonde ahead of me. As she placed her groceries on the checkout stand, the bagger asked her, "Paper or plastic?" "It doesn't matter," she replied, "I'm

OH MY HEAVENS

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the

card: it said "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and

how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place

today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."

January 20138


An

swer

s o

n P

age

20

There is only one rule: Every row, column and box of 3x3 cells must contain the numbers 1 through 9 exactly once.

A virtual smorgasbord of jokes and otherwise funny stories e-mailed to Foolish Times.

NO MORE TEARSA husband and wife stepped up

to view the body of his mother-in-law.

As he began to cry, his wife punched him and said: Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway.

I know he replied, I thought I saw her move!

POTATO, POTOTOAn old man lived alone in

Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.

His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply, "For heaven’s sake Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the money!"

At 4 am the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do from here."

A TICKET TO RIDEThree engineers and three

accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going

to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train.

The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all).

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

January 2013 9


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From the SandlotBY HUNTER KOSMALA

My stomach growled as I pulled into the driveway. I knew I had the rest of my cold-cut from yesterday stowed away in the refrigerator and that ’s all I could think about. Plopping my backpack in my room I made way to the kitchen. An aroma meandered toward me from the direction of the fridge.

“Guys, we really need to clean this fridge out,” I said to the con-gregation of guys on the couch. A mumbled agreement came from the group. I peeled open the fridge and was almost knocked over by the smell. “Holy… Guys, what in the world,” I struggled to get out past the stench. My eyes could not believe what they saw. To-go boxes from all of the lo-cal hotspots packed the first two rows of available space. Mov-ing down, a drawer designated as the cheese drawer was full of different cheeses but what it should have been designated as was the Drawer of Science with the amount of mold and bacte-ria that had grown on the chees-es. “When was the last time any of y ’all used this cheese?” No re-sponse. “Cool, I’m throwing your science projects in the garbage.”

I was so transfixed on the science projects that I com-pletely failed to notice the milky brown goo that was dripping from the bottom of the door on to the tops and sides of my shoe. I followed the black trail from my shoe to the door and up to a shelf about even with my shoul-der. When my eyes surveyed the scene of the shelf I couldn’t help but notice all the things wrong. An open bottle of whiskey lay on

its side; the contents inside of it sloshing with every opening and closing of the door, spilling a lit-tle bit at a time. A stick of butter sat there half melted and a jar of ringed pepperoncini’s stood there with its top teetering on the edge of falling. I thought to myself, “Wow, this is pretty dis-gusting.”

“Hey, guys, come here,” I yelled to the living room. Slowly, I heard the guys peel themselves off the couch and start into the kitchen. As soon as I knew they were coming I grabbed the half melted whiskey soaked stick of butter, and as it oozed out the cracks in my fingers I made sure they couldn’t see it. Kyle was the first one in followed by Bobby and Dutch.

“So, uh, whose whiskey is this?” I asked the flock. No an-swer. “So this isn’t any of yours?” Bobby chimed in and said that he thought it was from the party last week, but Dutch finally fes-sed up and claimed the whiskey. “Now that we have that out of the way, look at this goo on my foot, this is from a mix of butter and whiskey, whose stick of but-ter was on the shelf?” Dutch im-mediately said that he bought it and never used it.

“So both of these items were yours, Dutch?” I asked for clarifi-cation.

“Yep.”Without hesitation I cupped

the oozing stick of butter in my hand and swung it from where I was holding it. I swiped my hand across Dutch’s cheek leaving a trail of brownish-yellow goo dripping from his chin. “You’re cleaning the fridge.”

GOOD SPORTMANSHIPAt one point during a game, the coach said to one of his

young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative."Do you understand that what matters is whether we

win together as a team?"The little boy nodded yes.

"So, " the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the

umpire. Do you understand all that?"Again the little boy nodded.

"Good, " said the coach, "now go over there and explain it to your mother."

January 201310


For all of us who feel only the deepest love and a� ection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating: If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all

be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash … twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road,

close all of the windows, shut o� the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.

For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have

to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, � ve times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only

� ve percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the

key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the

same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine o� .

PS - Let’s add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language

how to � x your car yourself!!!!

F o o l i s h C r o s s w o r d

ANSWERS ON PAGE 21

Clues: Don't Forget the Advertisers!

January 2013 11


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The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah

blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to � y and I get very seasick. Could you build

me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of

that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Paci� c? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No-think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand

women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they

really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

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January 201314


Expires February 29, 2012Expires January 31, 2013

Terms, conditions and fees of accounts, programs, products and services are subject to change. This is not a commitment to lend. All loans are subject to credit and property approval. Certain restrictions may apply on all programs. Offer cannot be combined with any other mortgage offer. 1 SureStart is a registered service mark of Citigroup Inc. Final commitment is subject to verification of information, receipt of a satisfactory sales contract on the home you wish to purchase, appraisal and title report, and meeting our customary closing conditions. This offer is not a commitment to lend and is subject to change without notice. There is no charge

for the SureStart pre-approval, but standard application and commitment fees apply.2 If you are purchasing a home, we guarantee to close by the date specified in the purchase contract, unless prohibited by federal law*, and further provided that the date is at least 30 days after the application date and the date of the purchase contract. If the loan fails to close on time due to a delay by Citibank, you will receive a credit towards closing costs of

$1,500. Offer not available for refinance loans, co-ops, unapproved condos, residences under construction, community lending loans, and government loans. In Texas, the credit may not result in your client receiving cash back. (*Federal law requires certain disclosures be delivered to the borrower at least 3 business days before consummation. The guarantee to close does not apply if such disclosures are required and the closing is delayed due to the 3 business day waiting period.)

3 Eligible buyers receive .50% of the loan amount as a credit, which can be used to lower the interest rate by paying points or for other closing costs. For example, on a loan amount of $400,000 the credit is $2,000. The offer cannot be used to obtain cash from the transaction. Offer available on purchase transactions only, not refinance. This is a limited time offer. Citibank reserves the right to suspend, change and terminate the offer and promotion. Customer must apply and lock in rate by the offer end date to qualify.© 2012 Citibank, N. A. equal housing lender, member FDIC. Citi, Citibank, Arc Design and Citi with Arc Design are registered service marks of Citigroup Inc.

From pre-approval to closing, we will guide you through the homebuying process.

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January 2013 15


An

swer

s o

n P

age

20

MAYACALENDARYUCATANCOLLAPSE

DOOMSDAYAPOCALYPSEHIEROGLYPHS

YEARGUATEMALAINSCRIPTION

STONERAINFOREST

CARVEDPREDICT

ANCIENTSACRED

DAYSOLARMOONDATE

The World Did Not End!

Aries: March 21 - April 19: The Ram

Two heads are better than one, so adjust your big fat head! Part of the body ruled by Aries is the Head. This is a necessary pivot in perspec-tive if you still want to run the show. The key is simply begun by “taking orders” from others. This is just a glimpse of the many changes a-head in the New Year for you. Bottoms up!

Taurus: April 20 - May 20: The Bull

“Day Dreaming and I am thinking of you, Day Dreaming".......Former times hold rich memo-ries—yet your ponderous nature can create excessive lengths of in-action. Taurus rules the neck-swivel it so that you get an overview of the New Year spherically while you’re still on your ass. Wheeeeee!

Gemini: May 21 - June 20: The Twins

Celebrations elapsed?!?......Never for the en-thusiastic you! Argh......................and yet we the people are too pooped to pop! With your continual need to communicate, fi nding you in a corner talking to yourself will be of no sur-prise—it may seem as if you are on a trip to the moon-you may as well be since you prefer the ride and not the arrival. New Year, new vis-tas! Gemini rules the lungs so breathe in the celestial air.

Cancer: June 21 - July 22: The Crab

Erstwhile, you gaze into the never ending war of your internal complexities you fi nally discov-er how much stupid your bubbling ego, made of glass, has caused you to sabotage your magically good intentions!(Damn that was a mouth full!)—oh, careful what goes in your mouth. Cancer rules the stomach so in your last full moons phase of 2012 seriously con-sider a simple coup d’oeil to dismiss those in-sensitive types away! Or just throw up on one.

Leo: July 23 - August 22: The Lion

Look to the future Sunshine! Leo rules the heart and your quivers and waits for you to actu-ally use it......okay! Use it “MORE.” The New Year sheds a diff erent light on your power surges; will most likely frizz up those shiny locks of yours. Have some extra powerful hair products around to untangle this mystifi cation. Change is in the air. Coraggio!

Virgo: August 23 - Sept. 22: The Virgin

Wipe off that supercilious grin! Be practical and use some sand paper. Just because you’re a superb organizational genius doesn’t mean you have to rearrange the molecular structure of the bubbles in the champagne. Virgo rules the nervous system. Be aware of that type of dazzling display-could bring irreversible stress factors. Welcome the New Year with a Big Chill-out.

Libra: Sept. 23 - October 22: The Scales

Is your soiree leaving you an outsider? How dare....Sound the alarm! You master of charm. Your subterfuge in the grand arena of fools is not to be taken lightly. It makes the Queen’s stockings look like old fi sh nets. There is no doubt that your preference is for harmony rather than friction. This is best described: “It’s as broad as it is long.” Happy New Year!

Scorpio: Oct. 23 - Nov. 21: The Scorpion

Choices. Look behind and than ahead at this New Year’s Edge.....now down at your feet... See those weird sandals? You bought them. That is the Gladiator-ess waiting to be reborn. You have the power to change your scrutiny into a twinkle and play the water organ too, la, la, la. Put away the trident and you will fi nd that long desired after party opponent. They will have the stamina you crave. Yes, yes, lot’s of excess. Scorpio rules the genitals; easy does it-don’t get rash.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22 - Dec. 21: The Archer

Sometimes all that optimism is nauseating to some of us more cynical types; since you in-sist on a swarm of friends to surround you, at least bring some Bromo-seltzer! New Year’s les-son: learn about self-love while in the dumps,it builds character. SAG rules the liver so don’t let all this inner refl ection piss you off in 2013.

Capricorn: Dec. 22 - Jan. 19: The Goat

January symbolizes the two faces, one looking in the past and one in the future. Which one is your best side? Looking straight on at yourself and delving into those emotional gray areas that you so skillfully dodge. Gray is the color of wisdom. The Tin Man already had a heart; he just needed to lubricate the squeaky joints. Happy Birthday and Happy New Year!

Aquarius : Jan. 23 - Feb. 18: The Water-Carrier

This ain’t no spaghetti western Bubb! No need-ed dubbing. You may have even fl ubbed a bit this year. A life of a fantast insists on walking your talk that’s all, so stand tall! Quit stalling and fetch that poor horse some water so you can still trot into the sunset of your New Year! You need the circulation.

Pisces: February 19 - March 20: The Fishes

You sublime ichthyoidal wizard! It’s upstream for you this New Year. Shrug off those barracu-das snapping at your colorful tail. A lot of bark and no bite there dude. You are up, up, and away. You are the ocean Ferrari. Throw out the rear view mirrors and unhook from the past. It’s your turn, no two turn ways about it. Get a wheel alignment after all these aquatics.

Check out FoolishTimes online ...www.FoolishTimes.net

Find us on:Facebook & Twitter

By Bini

January 201316


BY ROSIE SORENSON

Billy has a girlfriend, fuzzy like him, someone he can turn to for Mom Cat love. Billy, our formerly homeless rescue kitty, now luxuriates in all things indoors: Fancy Feast on demand, soft carpeting and television, especially Dancing With The Stars.

Last Christmas, my BFF Carolyn, gave me a plush, off -white robe. When I’m not wearing it, I often leave it lying on the bed. Well. It didn’t take Billy long to discover the robe and to fall in love. The fi rst time I came upon him with his “girlfriend,” I couldn’t quite believe it. There he was kneading rhythmically on her soft body, gurgling, his eyes narrowed to slits. I swear I saw a tug of a smile as my boy fl oated off somewhere to kitten paradise. I crept back out of the bedroom and rushed down the hall to Steve’s offi ce; Steve, my sweetheart of many years, Steve, the man who won my heart with his love for cats.

“Psst,” I whispered. “You have to come see this.” He pushed back his chair, and together we tiptoed back into the bedroom where Billy was still working it, seemingly oblivious to the fragrance of the fl owering lemon tree wafting in from the deck.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Steve said, bringing a hand to his mouth.

“Nope – our boy’s in love.” We struggled to keep from laughing.

Enchanted with Billy and his new passion, Steve added another routine to their morning cuddle-fest. He now totes Billy in his arms to the bedroom and places him on the mattress with the robe lying nearby. Having his Daddy sit next to him on the bed reading the morning paper brings Billy inordinate joy. He purrs,

he gurgles, he kneads. I’m not sure how his girlfriend feels, but our boy is propelled each time toward kitty heaven.

One evening last week, I strolled into the bedroom after my shower, still wearing my robe. I stopped near the bed where Billy was sleeping. He woke up, walked over to the edge of the bed, a furrow forming at his brow. Yes, cats can furrow their brows; at least this one can.

“What?” I said to him. A little chirp gurgled up from his

throat.“What?”

“Meow,” he said.A few beats later: For Pete’s sake,

this six-pound furball is jealous of me wearing his girlfriend?

As I saw it, I had two choices. I could tell him, “Tough nooggies, little one.” Or . . . . Well, of course I took off the robe and gently set it down next to him. Three seconds later he climbed aboard, and launched into his blissful kneading and purring.

The next time it happened, however, I was determined not to be such a pushover. See here, Billy, this is my robe, and you’re not getting it tonight! I lowered myself to the bed and turned on the TV.

Billy crept over and climbed in my lap. Normally I love it when he does that. But this time, he started kneading and kneading, his little sharp claws poking through the robe and pricking my skin.

“Steve?” I cried.

“What?” he answered from the dining room.

“Billy wants my robe and he’s hurting me.”

Pause.“You want me to bring you your

sweats?” Pause.“Fine,” I said through clenched

teeth. Cat: 1. Mom: 0. Never get between a cat and his

true love.

Rosie Sorenson is a recovering psychotherapist and an award-wining writer whose work has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, the San Francisco Chronicle, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, and other publications. � ey Had Me at Meow is a collection of stories and color photos of Rosie’s � fteen-year relationship with a colony of homeless cats who have helped her recover from a long bout with chronic fatigue. Meow won the 2009 Muse Medallion Award from the Cat Writers Association and the 2010 Best Pets Book award from BAIPA. For more information and to order her book, please visit her website: www.� eyHadMeAtMeow.com.

Billy In LoveKnock, Knock.Who's there?Police. Police who?Police stop telling these awful knock, knock jokes!

Knock, knock.Who's there?Woo.Woo, who?Don't get so excited, it's just a joke.

Knock, knockWho's there?Mary leeMary lee who?Mary lee we roll along.

What’s the diff erence

between a man and E.T.?

- E.T. phoned home.

January 2013 17


We scour the internet to bring you the most hilarious police blotter reports from across the country.

THE THINGS WE SAY TO POLICE OFFICERS!!

“The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.”

“I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.”

“Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.”

“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.”

“I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and fl ew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end,

and there was a crash.”

“I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a

diff erent direction going the opposite way.”

“The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal.”

“To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.”

“I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.”

“I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.”

“In my attempt to kill a fl y, I drove into a telephone pole.”“I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other

side of the road when I struck him.”

“I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately

for a vacation with injuries.”

“When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

At a glance, these two photos look alike. However, the one on the

bottom has been subtly altered using sophisticated, high-tech

computer software. Can you spot the diff erences? Answers on page 33!

BY MIKE T.

Photo 1

Photo 2

January 201318


BY TED GARGIULO

Another installment in the incredible saga of Dr. Garjekyll and Teddy Hyde

Suffering from post election-year hangover? Campaign hype and overkill got you down? Tired of the posturing, the evasions, the half-truths and the political doublespeak that pass for news night after night? Wish you had some hard scientific data—a clinical scoresheet, if you will—with which to evaluate the elusive, biological entities running our nation? You're not alone.

Never has transparency in government been as hot an issue as it is right now. The clamor for truth has gone viral. Already, our collective obsession with knowing everything about everybody has all but dominated the media. Pretty soon, if trends continue, nothing will be hidden from public scrutiny.

Eventually, the medical records of every elected official, candidate and political wannabe

will be posted on the internet and discussed on all the major news programs and social networks. Schools of self-styled "psycho-political physiologists" will analyze these disclosures to better understand the forces that make these creatures tick. How might such factors as blood sugar, heart rate or serotonin levels affect one’s leadership? Should a pre-diabetic, three-pack-a-day smoker with adrenal insufficiency, a body-mass index above 410 and a family history of stroke, run for President?

One day, the biological cycles and mood swings of every Washington bigwig will be documented in The Snoop’s Almanac, along with a list of "best guess" days on which certain persons should (or should NOT) be approached.

Boob-Tubers will be regaled with increasingly invasive news specials, as competing networks dig deeper to deliver the dirt. For starters: an up-close, in-your-face account of one congressman’s colonoscopy, replete with graphic

testimonies from attending physicians and radiologists! What did the surgeons find? What did they remove? What secrets did the congressman mutter under anesthesia? Who visited him during his recovery? An exclusive interview with the orderly who emptied the dude’s bed pan. With the 300 pound nurse who held him down when he became violent.

Next, meet the brave Missouri housewife who shared Sen. Babs Fullerbunk’s hospital room. Marvel as she reveals their intimate conversations. How does the senator really feel about the major issues? Her political rivals? The President? Find out what the senator’s nervous breakdown cost the taxpayers. Hear chilling eyewitness accounts of the night Babs Fullerbunk attacked her roommate with a tongue depressor, then threatened to pull out her IV if she didn’t vote for her in November.

Don’t be surprised if, between now and the next major election, there’s talk of placing medications

on the general ballot, as a way of giving voters greater power over the people they put in power. Sound like a winner? Why not add magic potions to the list! Specifically:

• Mind altering preparations that would render key decision makers more sensitive to the people they represent, more compassionate, easier to persuade;

• Sedatives to reign them in when they crack;

• Serums that force them to tell the truth;

• Elixirs to induce guilt when all else fails.

Given our penchant for contention, I expect the above proposal (albeit ludicrous) will spark furious national debate. Every pundit, crank and buttinsky in the land will be weighing in on, "What’s best for the people?...for the nation?...for our CHILDREN?" And, "Who has the right to decide such things?"

The poop is out there. Join the discussion and spread it around.

The Rx-Files

BY MARY TOMPSET T

Well, the “season of giving” is over but we blabbermouths agree it ’s never out of season to give advice. Being a know-it-all is a lonely road, yet it ’s my true calling. And what better way to dress up this obnoxious behavior than with an advice column? Here’s a sampling of questions submitted by my thousands of fans.

I’m so angry reading about General Petraeus and his biographer/mistress, Paula Poundstone. He should give back his medals and she should stick to comedy. What do you think? Honey, I think you’re overdue for a new eyeglass prescription. The woman’s name is Broadwell, not Poundstone. But, hey, I ’m angry too! I t really fr ies my kumquats that she makes the rest of us writers look so flabby! My arms get a daily workout by constantly pushing my cats off the keyboard. But

Holy Hummers and Flail ing Fornicators! Have you seen her biceps?!? Twenty bucks says she hoists a weighted pen and cross-trains with an inclined mouse.

The Medicare hotline representative sounded like a young girl, way too inexperienced to be credible. What ’s going on? Just because information is given by a high-pitched voice in a rapid and singsong manner doesn’t mean the person is a young female. You are not only prejudiced, you

are a rabid voicist! I t ’s a fact: 98 percent of all customer service reps are former rodeo cowboys with crushed genitalia. Sadly, they do sound like seventh graders, except the cowboys giggle all the time. But I must ask , was the person you spoke with named Brandy? That l ittle snot really is 12 years old so always insist she put her grandmother on the line.

I ’m a people pleaser and worry a lot about what others think of

continued on page 22

Clearance on Wisdom Today

January 2013 19


Quirky Quotations THE QUOTATION QUIZ OF QUESTIONABLE QUALITY BY QUARLEN QUROSSMAN

Can you guess who said the following?1. "Start every day o� with a smile, and get it over with."A. Ronald McDonaldB. W. C. Fields2. “I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.”A. Janeane GarofaloB. Pope Benedict XVI3. 'It doesn't matter how big a ranch ya' own, or how many cows ya' brand, the size of your funeral is still gonna to depend on the weather.”A. Harry S. Truman B. Fred Steudler4. " I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical."A. Arthur C. ClarkeB. Copernicus5. "You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."A. Luther BurbankB. Dorothy Parker6. " I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all."A. John AdamsB. Ogden Nash 7. "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana...The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."A. Chester A. ArthurB. Matt Lauer8. “Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?”A. Roseanne BarrB. Michelle Obama

Answers (all true): 1-B, 2-A, 3-A, 4-A, 5-B, 6-B, 7-B, 8-AScoring: (number correct) 7-8: Quirky, 5-6: Cute, 3-4: Hallucinogenic 1-2: Shy, 0: Berserk

Quarlen Qurossman writes a slightly less quirky quotation quiz under the pseudonym Arlen Grossman in the Monterey County Herald and at quotationquotient.com.

BY JOHN SAMMON

This New Year, do yourself a favor and skip those resolutions you intend to fulfi ll, and try to carry out for three weeks, only to abandon. Instead, make non-resolutions you have no intention of keeping. In other words, operate like Congress. Over-promise and don’t deliver. It’s easy. What’s more, you don’t have to suff er regret that you failed to carry out your promise. Instead, you cynically made a pledge that you knew to be a falsehood. You achieved a lasting achievement.Lying to yourself can be pleasurable. Most resolutions have to do with boring stuff anyway, like losing weight. It’s always about personal bad habits and usually about losing weight. For the past 10 years you have made the pledge to lose weight, and for exactly 36-and-a-half days each new year you make a fee-ble, aggravating eff ort to carry it out. Then, you plunk back on the sofa and resume gorging on chocolate ding dongs. If you never made that weight loss gig stick, what makes you think you will now? We both know you’re weak just like everybody else, unable to see anything through to completion. Instead, make that lack of resolve count in your favor. The trick is this. Instead of making a resolution that requires some kind of dramatic achievement (i.e. take 20 pounds off and keep it off ). Instead, do that which not only reinforces something you fi nd pleasurably wrong, but is also something that can be achieved easily for the very reason that it is one of your naughty delights.

Anything that’s bad for you or is temptingly wrong……..you’re likely to be very good at. Okay. Here’s an example. I pledge to engage in selfi sh behavior only 65 percent of the time over the next two months instead of 73 percent of the time over only the next two months. Or, I pledge that, instead of frequent-ing the 55 bars that I now frequent. I promise to narrow that down to 13 bars as my favorites.Get the picture? These are doable. You can make these. You haven’t given up your wicked pleasures, only reconfi gured them. This is how our government operates. They take a statistic like 12 percent unemployment and say instead, we’ve built employment to almost one hundred percent. Portray weakness as strength. It’s called spin. I’m not big on New Year’s Eve as a general rule. Historically, mostly middle-aged people in suits and ties who looked like they were about ready to suff er heart attacks from their profl igate high consumptive ways and high stress jobs went out to noisy parties where they wore stu-pid paper hats and made noise with crankable noise makers, little cheap gizmos made in Japan. Today’s younger celebrants are more hip. They sit home with friends, sip wine, eat cheese, and watch a gi-ant ball on the side of a building in New York slide down a poll. Is 2013 a lucky number? We’ll see.

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

January 201320


continued from page 6 - Rex

continued from page 10 - Laughs

“ H e y ! I ’ v e g o t i t ! We c a n g o t o O u t d o o r Wo r l d , s i t i n t h e c a n o e s a n d p r e t e n d w e ’ r e L e w i s a n d C l a r k ! ” N o w e v e n I l o o k e d a w a y i t w a s s u c h a b a d i d e a .

“ H o w a b o u t S c i s s o r s , R o c k , Pa p e r , i f y o u d o n’ t c h e a t ? ” We b o t h l o o k e d a w a y.

“ O k a y , o k a y , o k a y . I ’ v e g o t i t . I t h i n k I k n o w s o m e t h i n g w e ’ l l b o t h l i k e t o d o .” R e x s a t u p a n d w a g g e d h i s t a i l , s e n s i n g a b i g b r e a k t h r o u g h i n t h e p l a n f o r t h e d a y . “ D o n’ t m o v e , I ’ l l b e r i g h t b a c k .”

R e x w a g g e d h i s t a i l

f u r i o u s l y . I g o t u p a n d w e n t i n s i d e f o r a m o m e n t . I r e t u r n e d w i t h m y l a t e s t c o p y o f G i r l s i n Yo g a Pa n t s m a g a z i n e a n d a b e e r .

“ S c o o t o v e r , p a l , I ’m c o m i n g i n f o r a l a n d i n g . T h i s i s n ’ t y o u r h a m m o c k , i t ’s o u r h a m m o c k . M o v e y o u r l i t t l e k e i s t e r . H a p p y N e w Ye a r , b u c k o .

R e x a n d To m , o r To m a n d R e x c a n b e r e a c h e d a t b u r n s 1 0 0 @e a r t h l i n k . n e t

foolish sudoku's answersfrom page 8

foolish search's answersfrom page 15

"JOCKEY PUP"

PARKING TICKETS GALORE

I went to the shop the

other day, I was only in

there for about � ve min-

utes and when I came out there was a tra� c cop writing a

parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, I was only in

there three minutes" He ignored me and

continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil necked jerk. He glared at me and

started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

So I called him a dumb ass. He � nished the second ticket

and put it on the car with the � rst. Then he started

writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him,

the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was

parked around the corner.

January 2013 21

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continued from page 18 - Clearance

BY ROBYN JUSTO

WAKEY, WAKEYFour years ago, I wrote a column

piece about 2012 and I was the voice of Chicken Little. If you are reading this, then it’s January 2013 and we are all still here, or at least you are, as I am writing this in November 2012, still in human form at the moment.

But one has to admit that a lot has happened since then. And do I believe that the world is going to end? Not really. WE might though. The sky hasn’t fallen, but a lot of the structures around us have.

What I do hope is that we don’t need to get shaken awake by large earthquakes and hurricanes before the Eve of Distraction becomes our own self-imposed Day of Destruction. Our cultural obsession with autonomic overstimulation, unconscious consumerism, the need for constant noise and chatter is harshly illuminated, and the neurosis and panic that occurs when our cell phones go MIA in our purses or pockets is enough to

indicate that we might have a slight problem here with attachment, Houston.

So I’ve been thinking a lot about what happens when we are not awake, not consciously speaking (yet), but when we are in the dream state. For me, Salvador Dali should get the award for Best Director. My dreams are in living (yet sleeping) color, filled with bits and pieces of memories, suppressed thoughts and feelings, fantasies and strange characters. The actors are often handsome male celebrities who can instantaneously morph into an

ex-boyfriend. I am naked sometimes, either on the top of me or on the bottom, but never all at once. And I can never hide, run or scream, especially when I am naked.

When we are asleep, a part of our mind seems to go dormant and all of those wild components from some cosmic dream factory arise without our conscious direction, stringing themselves together with little fragments of thoughts, emotions and details from the day before or years past, subconsciously running amok.

In our semi-consciousness of the waking state, we seem to have

a little more control over what appears in front of us, or do we? Each thought (with images) leads to another in rapid fire succession, similar to the dream state. Sit back and observe…

“Did I turn the oven off? The guy in the car next to me is hot. Why do I have to be driving in this sea of cars anyway? I would rather be left alone at the beach. Should I be turning left here? I know I left the oven on. I can’t forget my appointment with the doctor on Monday. Is Happy Wok open on Monday? Why are most Chinese restaurants closed on Monday? I think I’m hungry. That oven is still on, I just know it…or maybe I turned it off. You cut me off, you SOB!”

And don’t tell me that YOUR mind doesn’t do this. Step in and take a peek. So now that YOU are watching you think, don’t you wonder which YOU you really are? (Here comes a condensed class in Consciousness 101.)

So it appears that we don’t have control of our dream state (and not a heck of a lot of control of the waking state either.) There seems to be a trigger in each thought that creates the next one, but it makes

no sense when we observe the process from a distance. If there is a thread that connects them, it is indeed a loose one. What happens if YOU pull that thread? Where do the thoughts go?

Perhaps soon, the shift everyone is talking about won’t manifest in Earth changes, but will arrive with the realization that we are both the passenger and pilot in this human vessel, each of us in our own respective docking stations on Mothership Earth, waiting to escape the dreamscape that we have created with our own busy and heavily distracted little minds.

And maybe a new consciousness will indeed arise with the ceasefire of constant, unmanageable thoughts and finally bring peace to our minds and hearts…and to our world.

Happy New Year!

Robyn Justo is a freelance writer who shares the frustrations, triumphs and

general hysteria of living life in the gray (or the new silver) area, the lighter side of

later. She keeps a foot in both the visible and the invisible worlds, which prevents her

from tipping over.

me. Do you think that ’s bad? W TF!? Now you’re wondering what I think?! Okay. Humans are pretty self-absorbed, so chances are, others aren’t even thinking about you. Even as I write this, I ’m thinking about crocheting a sweater from my dryer l int. But, honey, the real reason no one thinks about you is because you have a bad haircut. I ’m also plagued with bad haircuts—that ’s the downside of chopping

on your own hair—but unlike you, I’m a prestigious advice columnist. You’re nobody. Anyway, when worried about what others think , restore your inner peace by gently chanting the ancient Zen mantra known as DIGS: Do I Give a Shit??

My New Year ’s resolution is to buy less stuff. But it ’s hard! Yes, store managers cleverly place sale items along a circular path through the store. Bastards. The

best way to fight this is to wear an eye patch. Furthermore, I ’ve personally slashed my spending to almost nothing by wearing patches on both eyes. Not to worry, the parrot on my shoulder barks directions.

The heels of my socks wear out so quickly. Any tips? When your favorite socks get holes in the heels, f l ip those babies around and wear the holes in front! Yeah, the wadded fabric

will resemble full frontal double chins, so remember: DIGS!!

© 2012 by Mary Tompsett

Mar y Tompsett is a humorist who tries to avoid living in a “gated community” because institutional straitjackets are notoriously unflattering. Her novel, Whinny From the Heart, is available through www.booklocker.com

January 2013 23


FOOLISH FUNNIES

Emily, after fi nally securing the wolverine in its seatbelt, can now look forward to a safe road trip.

Each week, we provide the caption. You simply provide the cartoon!

Tom Burns ©2012

B.B.Q.

STAMPS

Did you hear that the Post O� ce

had to recall its series of stamps

depicting famous lawyers? People

were confused about which side

to spit on.

January 201324


January 201324


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Foolish Times January 2013