FollowingTheEquator:AJourneyAroundTheWorld

ByMarkTwain

FollowingTheEquator:AJourneyAroundThe

World

CHAPTERI.

Amanmayhavenobadhabitsandhaveworse.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.Thestartingpointofthislecturing-triparoundtheworldwasParis,wherewehadbeenlivingayearortwo.We sailed for America, and there made certain preparations. This took butlittle time. Two members of my family elected to go with me. Also acarbuncle.Thedictionarysaysacarbuncleisakindofjewel.Humorisoutofplaceinadictionary.We started westward from New York in midsummer, with Major Pond tomanagetheplatform-businessasfarasthePacific.Itwaswarmwork,alltheway, and the last fortnightof itwas suffocatingly smoky, for inOregonandBritishColumbiatheforestfireswereraging.Wehadanaddedweekofsmokeat theseaboard,wherewewereobligedtowaitawhileforourship.Shehadbeen getting herself ashore in the smoke, and she had to be docked andrepaired.We sailed at last; and so ended a snail-paced march across the continent,

whichhadlastedfortydays.We moved westward about mid-afternoon over a rippled and sparklingsummersea;anenticingsea,acleanandcoolsea,andapparentlyawelcomesea to all onboard; it certainlywas tome, after thedistressful dustings andsmokings and swelterings of the past weeks. The voyage would furnish athree-weeksholiday,withhardlyabreakinit.WehadthewholePacificOceaninfrontofus,withnothingtodobutdonothingandbecomfortable.Thecityof Victoria was twinkling dim in the deep heart of her smoke-cloud, andgettingreadytovanishandnowweclosedthefield-glassesandsatdownonour steamer chairs contented andatpeace.But theywent towreckand ruinunder us andbrought us to shamebefore all the passengers.Theyhadbeenfurnishedbythelargestfurniture-dealinghouseinVictoria,andwereworthacoupleoffarthingsadozen,thoughtheyhadcostusthepriceofhonestchairs.In thePacificand IndianOceansonemust stillbringhisowndeck-chaironboardorgowithout, just as in theold forgottenAtlantic times—thoseDarkAgesofseatravel.Ourswasareasonablycomfortableship,withthecustomarysea-goingfare—plenty of good food furnished by the Deity and cooked by the devil. Thedisciplineobservableonboardwasperhapsasgoodas it isanywhere in thePacificand IndianOceans.The shipwasnotverywell arranged for tropicalservice; but that is nothing, for this is the rule for ships which ply in thetropics.Shehadanover-supplyofcockroaches,but this isalsotherulewithshipsdoingbusinessinthesummerseas—atleastsuchashavebeenlonginservice. Our young captain was a very handsome man, tall and perfectlyformed,theveryfiguretoshowupasmartuniform'sfinesteffects.Hewasamanof thebest intentionsandwaspolite andcourteouseven to courtliness.Therewasasoftandgraceandfinishabouthismannerswhichmadewhateverplacehehappenedtobeinseemforthemomentadrawingroom.Heavoidedthesmokingroom.Hehadnovices.Hedidnotsmokeorchewtobaccoortakesnuff;hedidnotswear,oruseslangorrude,orcoarse,orindelicatelanguage,or make puns, or tell anecdotes, or laugh intemperately, or raise his voiceabovethemoderatepitchenjoinedbythecanonsofgoodform.Whenhegaveanorder,hismannermodifieditintoarequest.Afterdinnerheandhisofficersjoinedtheladiesandgentlemenintheladies'saloon,andsharedinthesingingandpianoplaying,andhelpedturnthemusic.Hehadasweetandsympathetictenorvoice,anduseditwithtasteandeffect.Afterthemusicheplayedwhistthere,alwayswith thesamepartnerandopponents,until the ladies'bedtime.The electric lights burned there as late as the ladies and their friendsmightdesire;but theywerenotallowed toburn in the smoking-roomafter eleven.Thereweremany laws on the ship's statute book of course; but so far as Icould see, this andoneotherwere theonlyones thatwere rigidly enforced.The captain explained that he enforced this one because his own cabin

adjoinedthesmoking-room,andthesmelloftobaccosmokemadehimsick.Idid not see howour smoke could reach him, for the smoking-room and hiscabinwereontheupperdeck,targetsforallthewindsthatblew;andbesidestherewasnocrackofcommunicationbetweenthem,noopeningofanysortinthe solid intervening bulkhead. Still, to a delicate stomach even imaginarysmokecanconveydamage.The captain,with his gentle nature, his polish, his sweetness, hismoral andverbal purity, seemed pathetically out of place in his rude and autocraticvocation.Itseemedanotherinstanceoftheironyoffate.Hewas going home under a cloud.The passengers knew about his trouble,and were sorry for him. Approaching Vancouver through a narrow anddifficult passage densely befoggedwith smoke from the forest fires, he hadhadtheill-lucktolosehisbearingsandgethisshipontherocks.Amatterlikethiswouldrankmerelyasanerrorwithyouandme;itranksasacrimewiththe directors of steamship companies. The captain had been tried by theAdmiraltyCourtatVancouver,anditsverdicthadacquittedhimofblame.Butthat was insufficient comfort. A sterner court would examine the case inSydney—theCourt ofDirectors, the lords of a company inwhose ships thecaptain had served asmate a number of years.Thiswas his first voyage ascaptain.Theofficersofourshipwereheartyandcompanionableyoungmen,andtheyenteredintothegeneralamusementsandhelpedthepassengerspassthetime.Voyages in thePacificandIndianOceansarebutpleasureexcursions forallhands.OurpurserwasayoungScotchmanwhowasequippedwithagritthatwas remarkable. He was an invalid, and looked it, as far as his body wasconcerned,butillnesscouldnotsubduehisspirit.Hewasfulloflife,andhadagayandcapabletongue.Toallappearanceshewasasickmanwithoutbeingawareofit,forhedidnottalkabouthisailments,andhisbearingandconductwere thoseofaperson in robusthealth;yethewas theprey, at intervals,ofghastly sieges of pain in his heart. These lastedmany hours, andwhile theattackcontinuedhecouldneithersitnor lie. Inone instancehestoodonhisfeet twenty-fourhours fighting forhis lifewith these sharpagonies, andyetwas as full of life and cheer and activity the next day as if nothing hadhappened.The brightest passenger in the ship, and the most interesting and felicitoustalker,wasayoungCanadianwhowasnotabletoletthewhiskybottlealone.He was of a rich and powerful family, and could have had a distinguishedcareerandabundanceofeffectivehelp toward it ifhecouldhaveconqueredhisappetitefordrink;buthecouldnotdoit,sohisgreatequipmentoftalentwasofnousetohim.Hehadoftentakenthepledgetodrinknomore,andwasagood sampleofwhat that sortofunwisdomcando for aman—foraman

withanythingshortofanironwill.Thesystemiswrongintwoways:itdoesnotstrikeattherootofthetrouble,foronething,andtomakeapledgeofanykind is to declarewar against nature; for a pledge is a chain that is alwaysclankingandremindingthewearerofitthatheisnotafreeman.I have said that the system does not strike at the root of the trouble, and Iventure to repeat that. The root is not the drinking, but the desire to drink.Theseareverydifferentthings.Theonemerelyrequireswill—andagreatdealof it, both as to bulk and staying capacity—the other merely requireswatchfulness—andfornolongtime.Thedesireofcourseprecedestheact,andshouldhaveone'sfirstattention;itcandobutlittlegoodtorefusetheactoverandoveragain,alwaysleavingthedesireunmolested,unconquered;thedesirewillcontinue toassert itself,andwillbealmost sure towin in the long run.Whenthedesireintrudes,itshouldbeatoncebanishedoutofthemind.Oneshouldbeonthewatchforitallthetime—otherwiseitwillgetin.Itmustbetakenintimeandnotallowedtogetalodgment.Adesireconstantlyrepulsedfor a fortnight should die, then. That should cure the drinking habit. Thesystem of refusing the mere act of drinking, and leaving the desire in fullforce,isunintelligentwartactics,itseemstome.Iusedtotakepledges—andsoonviolatethem.Mywillwasnotstrong,andIcouldnothelpit.Andthen,tobe tiedinanywaynaturally irksanotherwisefreepersonandmakeshimchafeinhisbondsandwanttogethisliberty.ButwhenIfinallyceasedfromtaking definite pledges, and merely resolved that I would kill an injuriousdesire, but leavemyself free to resume the desire and the habitwhenever Ishould choose to do so, I hadnomore trouble. In fivedays I droveout thedesire to smoke and was not obliged to keep watch after that; and I neverexperienced any strong desire to smoke again. At the end of a year and aquarterof idlenessIbegan towriteabook,andpresentlyfoundthat thepenwasstrangelyreluctanttogo.Itriedasmoketoseeifthatwouldhelpmeoutofthedifficulty.Itdid.Ismokedeightortencigarsandasmanypipesadayforfivemonths;finishedthebook,anddidnotsmokeagainuntilayearhadgonebyandanotherbookhadtobebegun.I can quit any of my nineteen injurious habits at any time, and withoutdiscomfortorinconvenience.IthinkthattheDr.Tannersandthoseotherswhogofortydayswithouteatingdoitbyresolutelykeepingoutthedesiretoeat,inthebeginning,andthatafterafewhoursthedesireisdiscouragedandcomesnomore.OnceItriedmyschemeinalargemedicalway.Ihadbeenconfinedtomybedseveral dayswith lumbago.My case refused to improve. Finally the doctorsaid,—"Myremedieshavenofairchance.Considerwhattheyhavetofight,besidesthelumbago.Yousmokeextravagantly,don'tyou?"

"Yes.""Youtakecoffeeimmoderately?""Yes.""Andsometea?""Yes.""Youeatallkindsofthingsthataredissatisfiedwitheachother'scompany?""Yes.""YoudrinktwohotScotcheseverynight?""Yes.""Very well, there you see what I have to contend against. We can't makeprogressthewaythematterstands.Youmustmakeareductioninthesethings;youmustcutdownyourconsumptionofthemconsiderablyforsomedays.""Ican't,doctor.""Whycan'tyou.""Ilackthewill-power.Icancutthemoffentirely,butIcan'tmerelymoderatethem."Hesaidthatthatwouldanswer,andsaidhewouldcomearoundintwenty-fourhoursandbeginworkagain.Hewastakenillhimselfandcouldnotcome;butIdidnotneedhim.Icutoffallthosethingsfortwodaysandnights;infact,Icutoffallkindsoffood,too,andalldrinksexceptwater,andattheendoftheforty-eighthoursthelumbagowasdiscouragedandleftme.Iwasawellman;soIgavethanksandtooktothosedelicaciesagain.Itseemedavaluablemedicalcourse,andIrecommendedittoalady.Shehadrun down and down and down, and had at last reached a point wheremedicinesnolongerhadanyhelpfuleffectuponher.IsaidIknewIcouldputheruponherfeetinaweek.Itbrightenedherup,itfilledherwithhope,andshe said shewould do everything I told her to do. So I said shemust stopswearing and drinking, and smoking and eating for four days, and then shewouldbeallrightagain.Anditwouldhavehappenedjustso,Iknowit;butshesaidshecouldnotstopswearing,andsmoking,anddrinking,becauseshehadneverdonethosethings.Sothereitwas.Shehadneglectedherhabits,andhadn'tany.Nowthat theywouldhavecomegood, therewerenone instock.Shehadnothingtofallbackon.Shewasasinkingvessel,withnofreightinher to throwoverbpard and lighten shipwithal.Why, evenoneor two littlebadhabitscouldhavesavedher,butshewas justamoralpauper.Whenshecould have acquired them she was dissuaded by her parents, who wereignorantpeoplethoughrearedinthebestsociety,anditwastoolatetobeginnow.Itseemedsuchapity;buttherewasnohelpforit.Thesethingsoughtto

beattendedtowhileapersonisyoung;otherwise,whenageanddiseasecome,thereisnothingeffectualtofightthemwith.WhenIwasayouthIusedtotakeallkindsofpledges,anddomybesttokeepthem,but I never could, because I didn't strike at the root of thehabit—thedesire;Igenerallybrokedownwithinthemonth.OnceItriedlimitingahabit.Thatworked tolerablywell for awhile. I pledgedmyself to smoke but onecigaraday.Ikeptthecigarwaitinguntilbedtime,thenIhadaluxurioustimewith it.Butdesirepersecutedmeeverydayandall day long; so,within theweekIfoundmyselfhuntingforlargercigarsthanIhadbeenusedtosmoke;then largeronesstill,andstill largerones.Within thefortnightIwasgettingcigarsmadeforme—onayetlargerpattern.Theystillgrewandgrewinsize.Within themonthmycigarhadgrown tosuchproportions that Icouldhaveused it as a crutch. It now seemed tome that a one-cigar limitwas no realprotectiontoaperson,soIknockedmypledgeontheheadandresumedmyliberty.TogobacktothatyoungCanadian.Hewasa"remittanceman,"thefirstoneIhadeverseenorheardof.Passengersexplainedthetermtome.Theysaidthatdissipated ne'er-do-wells belonging to important families in England andCanada were not cast off by their people while there was any hope ofreformingthem,butwhenthatlasthopeperishedatlast,thene'er-do-wellwassentabroad togethimoutof theway.Hewasshippedoffwith justenoughmoneyinhispocket—no,inthepurser'spocket—fortheneedsofthevoyage—andwhenhereachedhisdestinedporthewouldfindaremittanceawaitinghim there.Not a largeone, but just enough tokeephimamonth.A similarremittancewouldcomemonthlythereafter.Itwastheremittance-man'scustomtopayhismonth'sboardandlodgingstraightway—adutywhichhislandlorddidnotallowhimtoforget—thenspreeawaytherestofhismoneyinasinglenight, then brood and mope and grieve in idleness till the next remittancecame.Itisapatheticlife.We had other remittance-men on board, itwas said.At least they said theywereR.M.'s.Thereweretwo.ButtheydidnotresembletheCanadian; theylackedhistidiness,andhisbrains,andhisgentlemanlyways,andhisresolutespirit,andhishumanitiesandgenerosities.Oneofthemwasaladofnineteenor twenty, and hewas a good deal of a ruin, as to clothes, andmorals, andgeneralaspect.HesaidhewasascionofaducalhouseinEngland,andhadbeenshipped toCanada for thehouse's relief, thathehad fallen into troublethere,andwasnowbeingshippedtoAustralia.Hesaidhehadnotitle.Beyondthisremarkhewaseconomicalofthetruth.ThefirstthinghedidinAustraliawastogetintothelockup,andthenextthinghedidwastoproclaimhimselfanearlinthepolicecourtinthemorningandfailtoproveit.

CHAPTERII.

Whenindoubt,tellthetruth.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.About four days out fromVictoriaweplunged into hotweather, and all themalepassengersputonwhitelinenclothes.Oneortwodayslaterwecrossedthe25thparallelofnorthlatitude,andthen,byorder, theofficersoftheshiplaidawaytheirblueuniformsandcameoutinwhitelinenones.Alltheladieswere in white by this time. This prevalence of snowy costumes gave thepromenadedeckaninvitinglycool,andcheerfulandpicnickyaspect.Frommydiary:There are several sorts of ills in the world fromwhich a person can neverescape altogether, let him journey as far as he will. One escapes from onebreedofanillonlytoencounteranotherbreedofit.Wehavecomefarfromthesnakeliarandthefishliar,andtherewasrestandpeaceinthethought;butnowwehavereachedtherealmoftheboomerangliar,andsorrowiswithusoncemore.Thefirstofficerhasseenamantrytoescapefromhisenemybygettingbehindatree;buttheenemysenthisboomerangsailingintotheskyfaraboveandbeyondthetree;thenitturned,descended,andkilledtheman.TheAustralianpassengerhasseenthisthingdonetotwomen,behindtwotrees—andbytheonearrow.Thisbeingreceivedwithalargesilencethatsuggesteddoubt, he buttressed it with the statement that his brother once saw theboomerangkill abird awayoff ahundredyards andbring it to the thrower.Buttheseareillswhichmustbeborne.Thereisnootherway.The talk passed from the boomerang to dreams—usually a fruitful subject,afloatorashore—butthistimetheoutputwaspoor.Thenitpassedtoinstancesof extraordinarymemory—with better results.BlindTom, the negropianist,was spoken of, and it was said that he could accurately play any piece ofmusic,howsoeverlonganddifficult,afterhearingitonce;andthatsixmonthslater he could accurately play it again, without having touched it in theinterval. One of the most striking of the stories told was furnished by agentlemanwhohad servedon the staff of theViceroyof India.He read thedetailsfromhisnote-book,andexplainedthathehadwrittenthemdown,rightafter the consummation of the incident which they described, because hethoughtthatifhedidnotputthemdowninblackandwhitehemightpresentlycometothinkhehaddreamedthemorinventedthem.The Viceroy was making a progress, and among the shows offered by theMaharajah of Mysore for his entertainment was a memory-exhibition. TheViceroyandthirtygentlemenofhissuitesatinarow,andthememory-expert,

ahigh-casteBrahmin,wasbroughtinandseatedonthefloorinfrontofthem.Hesaidheknewbut twolanguages, theEnglishandhisown,butwouldnotexcludeanyforeigntonguefromtheteststobeappliedtohismemory.Thenhe laidbefore theassemblagehisprogram—asufficientlyextraordinaryone.He proposed that one gentleman should give him one word of a foreignsentence, and tell him its place in the sentence. Hewas furnishedwith theFrenchword'est',andwastolditwassecondinasentenceofthreewords.ThenextgentlemangavehimtheGermanword'verloren'andsaiditwasthethirdinasentenceoffourwords.Heaskedthenextgentlemanforonedetail inasum in addition; another for one detail in a sum of subtraction; others forsingle details in mathematical problems of various kinds; he got them.IntermediatesgavehimsinglewordsfromsentencesinGreek,Latin,Spanish,Portuguese, Italian, and other languages, and told him their places in thesentences. When at last everybody had furnished him a single rag from aforeignsentenceorafigurefromaproblem,hewentover thegroundagain,andgot a secondword and a second figure andwas told their places in thesentencesandthesums;andsoonandsoon.Hewentoverthegroundagainandagainuntilhehadcollectedall thepartsof thesumsandall thepartsofthesentences—andallindisorder,ofcourse,notintheirproperrotation.Thishadoccupiedtwohours.TheBrahminnowsatsilentandthinking,awhile,thenbeganandrepeatedallthe sentences, placing the words in their proper order, and untangled thedisorderedarithmeticalproblemsandgaveaccurateanswerstothemall.In thebeginninghehadasked thecompany to throwalmondsathimduringthe two hours, he to remember howmany each gentleman had thrown; butnonewere thrown, for theViceroy said that the testwould be a sufficientlyseverestrainwithoutaddingthatburdentoit.GeneralGranthadafinememoryforallkindsofthings,includingevennamesandfaces,andIcouldhavefurnishedaninstanceof it if Ihadthoughtof it.ThefirsttimeIeversawhimwasearlyinhisfirsttermasPresident.IhadjustarrivedinWashingtonfromthePacificcoast,astrangerandwhollyunknownto the public, andwas passing theWhiteHouse onemorningwhen Imet afriend, a Senator from Nevada. He asked me if I would like to see thePresident. I said I should be very glad; so we entered. I supposed that thePresidentwouldbe in themidstof a crowd, and that I could lookathim inpeaceandsecurityfromadistance,asanotherstraycatmightlookatanotherking.Butitwasinthemorning,andtheSenatorwasusingaprivilegeofhisoffice which I had not heard of—the privilege of intruding upon the ChiefMagistrate'sworkinghours.Before I knew it, theSenator and Iwere in thepresence,andtherewasnonetherebutwethree.GeneralGrantgotslowlyupfromhistable,puthispendown,andstoodbeforemewiththeironexpression

ofamanwhohadnotsmiledforsevenyears,andwasnotintendingtosmilefor another seven.He lookedme steadily in the eyes—mine lost confidenceand fell. I hadnever confrontedagreatmanbefore, andwas in amiserablestateoffunkandinefficiency.TheSenatorsaid:—"Mr.President,mayIhavetheprivilegeofintroducingMr.Clemens?"ThePresidentgavemyhandanunsympatheticwaganddroppedit.Hedidnotsayawordbutjuststood.InmytroubleIcouldnotthinkofanythingtosay,Imerely wanted to resign. There was an awkward pause, a dreary pause, ahorrible pause. Then I thought of something, and looked up into thatunyieldingface,andsaidtimidly:—"Mr.President,I—Iamembarrassed.Areyou?"His face broke—just a little—a wee glimmer, the momentary flicker of asummer-lightningsmile,sevenyearsaheadoftime—andIwasoutandgoneassoonasitwas.Ten years passed away before I saw him the second time.Meantime I wasbecome better known; and was one of the people appointed to respond totoastsatthebanquetgiventoGeneralGrantinChicago—bytheArmyoftheTennesseewhenhecamebackfromhistouraroundtheworld.Iarrivedlateatnight and got up late in the morning. All the corridors of the hotel werecrowded with people waiting to get a glimpse of General Grant when heshould pass to the place whence he was to review the great procession. Iworkedmywaybythesuiteofpackeddrawing-rooms,andatthecornerofthehouse I found awindowopenwhere therewas a roomyplatformdecoratedwith flags, and carpeted. I steppedout on it, and sawbelowmemillions ofpeople blocking all the streets, and other millions caked together in all thewindowsandonallthehouse-topsaround.ThesemassestookmeforGeneralGrant,andbrokeintovolcanicexplosionsandcheers;butitwasagoodplaceto see the procession, and I stayed. Presently I heard the distant blare ofmilitary music, and far up the street I saw the procession come in sight,cleaving its way through the huzzaing multitudes, with Sheridan, the mostmartial figure of the War, riding at its head in the dress uniform of aLieutenant-General.AndnowGeneralGrant,arm-in-armwithMajorCarterHarrison,steppedoutontheplatform,followedtwoandtwobythebadgedanduniformedreceptioncommittee. General Grant was looking exactly as he had looked upon thattryingoccasionof tenyearsbefore—all ironandbronzeself-possession.Mr.Harrison cameover and ledme to theGeneral and formally introducedme.BeforeIcouldputtogethertheproperremark,GeneralGrantsaid—"Mr.Clemens, I am not embarrassed.Are you?"—and that little seven-yearsmiletwinkledacrosshisfaceagain.

Seventeenyearshavegonebysincethen,andto-day,inNewYork,thestreetsareacrushofpeoplewhoaretheretohonortheremainsofthegreatsoldierastheypasstotheirfinalresting-placeunderthemonument;andtheairisheavywith dirges and the boom of artillery, and all the millions of America arethinking of the man who restored the Union and the flag, and gave todemocratic government a new lease of life, and, as we may hope and dobelieve,apermanentplaceamongthebeneficentinstitutionsofmen.Wehadonegameintheshipwhichwasagoodtime-passer—atleastitwasatnightinthesmoking-roomwhenthemenweregettingfreshenedupfromtheday's monotonies and dullnesses. It was the completing of non-completestories.Thatistosay,amanwouldtellallofastoryexceptthefinish,thentheotherswouldtrytosupplytheendingoutoftheirowninvention.Wheneveryonewhowantedachancehadhad it, themanwhohad introduced thestorywouldgiveititsoriginalending—thenyoucouldtakeyourchoice.Sometimesthenewendingsturnedouttobebetterthantheoldone.Butthestorywhichcalled out themost persistent and determined and ambitious effortwas onewhich had no ending, and so there was nothing to compare the new-madeendingswith.Themanwhotolditsaidhecouldfurnishtheparticularsuptoacertainpointonly,because thatwasasmuchof the taleasheknew.Hehadread it in a volume of sketches twenty-five years ago, and was interruptedbefore theendwasreached.Hewouldgiveanyonefiftydollarswhowouldfinishthestorytothesatisfactionofajurytobeappointedbyourselves.Weappointedajuryandwrestledwiththetale.Weinventedplentyofendings,butthe jury voted them all down. The jury was right. It was a tale which theauthorof itmaypossiblyhave completed satisfactorily, and if he reallyhadthat good fortune Iwould like to knowwhat the endingwas.Any ordinaryman will find that the story's strength is in its middle, and that there isapparentlynowaytotransferittotheclose,whereofcourseitoughttobe.Insubstancethestoriettewasasfollows:John Brown, aged thirty-one, good, gentle, bashful, timid, lived in a quietvillageinMissouri.HewassuperintendentofthePresbyterianSunday-school.Itwasbutahumbledistinction;still,itwashisonlyofficialone,andhewasmodestlyproudofitandwasdevotedtoitsworkanditsinterests.Theextremekindlinessofhisnaturewasrecognizedbyall;infact,peoplesaidthathewasmadeentirelyoutofgoodimpulsesandbashfulness;thathecouldalwaysbecounteduponforhelpwhenitwasneeded,andforbashfulnessbothwhenitwasneededandwhenitwasn't.Mary Taylor, twenty-three, modest, sweet, winning, and in character andpersonbeautiful,wasallinalltohim.Andhewasverynearlyallinalltoher.Shewaswavering,hishopeswerehigh.Hermotherhadbeen inoppositionfrom the first. But she was wavering, too; he could see it. She was being

touched by his warm interest in her two charity-proteges and by hiscontributions toward their support. Thesewere two forlorn and aged sisterswholivedinaloghutinalonelyplaceupacrossroadfourmilesfromMrs.Taylor'sfarm.Oneofthesisterswascrazy,andsometimesalittleviolent,butnotoften.At last the time seemed ripe for a final advance, and Brown gathered hiscouragetogetherandresolvedtomakeit.Hewouldtakealongacontributionof double the usual size, and win the mother over; with her oppositionannulled,therestoftheconquestwouldbesureandprompt.He took to the road in themiddle of a placid Sunday afternoon in the softMissourian summer, and hewas equipped properly for hismission.Hewasclothed all in white linen, with a blue ribbon for a necktie, and he had ondressy tightboots.Hishorseandbuggywere thefinest that the liverystablecouldfurnish.Thelaprobewasofwhitelinen,itwasnew,andithadahand-worked border that could not be rivaled in that region for beauty andelaboration.Whenhewasfourmilesoutonthelonelyroadandwaswalkinghishorseoverawoodenbridge,hisstrawhatblewoffandfellinthecreek,andfloateddownandlodgedagainstabar.Hedidnotquiteknowwhattodo.Hemusthavethehat,thatwasmanifest;buthowwashetogetit?Then he had an idea. The roads were empty, nobody was stirring. Yes, hewouldriskit.Heledthehorsetotheroadsideandsetittocroppingthegrass;thenheundressedandputhisclothesinthebuggy,pettedthehorseamomenttosecureitscompassionanditsloyalty,thenhurriedtothestream.Heswamoutandsoonhad thehat.Whenhegot to the topof thebank thehorsewasgone!His legsalmostgavewayunderhim.Thehorsewaswalkingleisurelyalongtheroad.Browntrottedafterit,saying,"Whoa,whoa,there'sagoodfellow;"butwheneverhegotnearenough tochancea jumpfor thebuggy, thehorsequickened itspacea littleanddefeatedhim.Andso thiswenton, thenakedmanperishingwithanxiety,andexpectingeverymomenttoseepeoplecomeinsight.Hetaggedonandon,imploringthehorse,beseechingthehorse,tillhehadleftamilebehindhim,andwasclosingupontheTaylorpremises;thenat last hewas successful, and got into the buggy.He flung on his shirt, hisnecktie,andhiscoat; thenreachedfor—buthewastoolate;hesatsuddenlydownandpulledupthelap-robe,forhesawsomeonecomingoutofthegate—awoman;hethought.Hewheeledthehorsetotheleft,andstruckbrisklyupthecross-road.Itwasperfectlystraight,andexposedonbothsides;buttherewerewoodsandasharpturnthreemilesahead,andhewasverygratefulwhenhe got there.As he passed around the turn he slowed down to awalk, andreachedforhistr——toolateagain.

HehadcomeuponMrs.Enderby,Mrs.Glossop,Mrs.Taylor,andMary.Theywereonfoot,andseemedtiredandexcited.Theycameatoncetothebuggyandshookhands,andallspokeatonce,andsaideagerlyandearnestly,howgladtheywerethathewascome,andhowfortunateitwas.AndMrs.Enderbysaid,impressively:"Itlookslikeanaccident,hiscomingatsuchatime;butletnooneprofaneitwithsuchaname;hewassent—sentfromonhigh."Theywereallmoved,andMrs.Glossopsaidinanawedvoice:"SarahEnderby,youneversaidatruerwordinyourlife.Thisisnoaccident,itisaspecialProvidence.Hewassent.Heisanangel—anangelastrulyaseverangelwas—anangelofdeliverance.Isayangel,SarahEnderby,andwillhaveno otherword.Don't let any one ever say tome again, that there's no suchthingasspecialProvidences; for if this isn'tone, let themaccount for it thatcan.""I know it's so," saidMrs. Taylor, fervently. "JohnBrown, I couldworshipyou;Icouldgodownonmykneestoyou.Didn'tsomethingtellyou?—didn'tyoufeelthatyouweresent?Icouldkissthehemofyourlaprobe."Hewasnotabletospeak;hewashelplesswithshameandfright.Mrs.Taylorwenton:"Why,justlookatitallaround,JuliaGlossop.AnypersoncanseethehandofProvidence in it.Here at noonwhat dowe see?We see the smoke rising. Ispeakupandsay,'That'stheOldPeople'scabinafire.'Didn'tI,JuliaGlossop?""Theverywordsyousaid,NancyTaylor.IwasasclosetoyouasIamnow,andIheardthem.Youmayhavesaidhutinsteadofcabin,butinsubstanceit'sthesame.Andyouwerelookingpale,too.""Pale?Iwasthatpalethatif—why,youjustcompareitwiththislaprobe.ThenthenextthingIsaidwas,'MaryTaylor,tellthehiredmantoriguptheteam-we'llgototherescue.'Andshesaid,'Mother,don'tyouknowyoutoldhimhecould drive to see his people, and stay over Sunday?'And itwas just so. Ideclareforit,Ihadforgottenit.'Then,'saidI,'we'llgoafoot.'Andgowedid.AndfoundSarahEnderbyontheroad.""Andweallwenttogether,"saidMrs.Enderby."Andfoundthecabinsetfiretoandburntdownbythecrazyone,andthepooroldthingssooldandfeeblethattheycouldn'tgoafoot.Andwegotthemtoashadyplaceandmadethemascomfortableaswecould,andbegan towonderwhichway to turn to findsomewaytogetthemconveyedtoNancyTaylor'shouse.AndIspokeupandsaid—nowwhatdidIsay?Didn'tIsay,'Providencewillprovide'?""Whysureasyoulive,soyoudid!Ihadforgottenit.""SohadI,"saidMrs.GlossopandMrs.Taylor;"butyoucertainlysaidit.Now

wasn'tthatremarkable?""Yes,Isaidit.AndthenwewenttoMr.Moseley's,twomiles,andallofthemweregonetothecampmeetingoveronStonyFork;andthenwecamealltheway back, two miles, and then here, another mile—and Providence hasprovided.Youseeityourselves."Theygazedateachotherawe-struck,andliftedtheirhandsandsaidinunison:"It'sper-fectlywonderful.""Andthen,"saidMrs.Glossop,"whatdoyouthinkwehadbetterdo--letMr.Browndrive theOldPeople toNancyTaylor'soneat a time,orputbothoftheminthebuggy,andhimleadthehorse?"Browngasped."Now, then, that's aquestion," saidMrs.Enderby. "Yousee,weareall tiredout, andanywaywe fix it it's going tobedifficult.For ifMr.Brown takesbothof them,at leastoneofusmust,goback tohelphim, forhecan't loadthemintothebuggybyhimself,andtheysohelpless.""Thatisso,"saidMrs.Taylor."Itdoesn'tlook-oh,howwouldthisdo?—oneofusdrivetherewithMr.Brown,andtherestofyougoalongtomyhouseandget things ready. I'll gowith him.He and I together can lift one of theOldPeopleintothebuggy;thendrivehertomyhouseand——"But whowill take care of the other one?" saidMrs. Enderby. "Wemusn'tleaveherthereinthewoodsalone,youknow—especiallythecrazyone.Thereandbackiseightmiles,yousee."Theyhadallbeensittingonthegrassbesidethebuggyforawhile,now,tryingtoresttheirwearybodies.Theyfellsilentamomentortwo,andstruggledinthoughtoverthebafflingsituation;thenMrs.Enderbybrightenedandsaid:"IthinkI'vegottheidea,now.Yousee,wecan'twalkanymore.Thinkwhatwe'vedone:fourmilesthere,twotoMoseley's,issix,thenbacktohere—ninemilessincenoon,andnotabitetoeat;IdeclareIdon'tseehowwe'vedoneit;andasforme,Iamjustfamishing.Now,somebody'sgottogoback,tohelpMr.Brown—there'snogettingaroundthat;butwhoevergoeshasgottoride,notwalk.Somyideaisthis:oneofustoridebackwithMr.Brown,thenridetoNancyTaylor's housewith one of theOld People, leavingMr.Brown tokeep theotheroldone company,youall togonow toNancy's and rest andwait; then one of you drive back and get the other one and drive her toNancy's,andMr.Brownwalk.""Splendid!"theyallcried."Oh,thatwilldo—thatwillanswerperfectly."AndtheyallsaidthatMrs.Enderbyhadthebestheadforplanning,inthecompany;andtheysaidthattheywonderedthattheyhadn'tthoughtofthissimpleplanthemselves. They hadn't meant to take back the compliment, good simple

souls, anddidn't know theyhaddone it.After a consultation itwasdecidedthatMrs. Enderby should drive backwith Brown, she being entitled to thedistinction because she had invented the plan. Everything now beingsatisfactorily arranged and settled, the ladies rose, relieved and happy, andbrusheddowntheirgowns,andthreeofthemstartedhomeward;Mrs.Enderbysetherfootonthebuggy-stepandwasabouttoclimbin,whenBrownfoundaremnantofhisvoiceandgaspedout—"PleaseMrs.Enderby,call themback—Iamveryweak;Ican'twalk,Ican't,indeed.""Why,dearMr.Brown!Youdolookpale;IamashamedofmyselfthatIdidn'tnotice it sooner. Come back-all of you! Mr. Brown is not well. Is thereanythingIcandoforyou,Mr.Brown?—I'mrealsorry.Areyouinpain?""No,madam,onlyweak;Iamnotsick,butonlyjustweak—lately;notlong,butjustlately."Theotherscameback,andpouredout theirsympathiesandcommiserations,andwerefullofself-reproachesfornothavingnoticedhowpalehewas.Andtheyatoncestruckoutanewplan,andsoonagreedthatitwasbyfarthebest of all. Theywould all go toNancy Taylor's house and see to Brown'sneedsfirst.Hecouldlieonthesofaintheparlor,andwhileMrs.TaylorandMarytookcareofhimtheothertwoladieswouldtakethebuggyandgoandgetoneoftheOldPeople,andleaveoneofthemselveswiththeotherone,and——Bythistime,withoutanysolicitation,theywereatthehorse'sheadandwerebeginningtoturnhimaround.Thedangerwasimminent,butBrownfoundhisvoiceagainandsavedhimself.Hesaid—"But ladies, you are overlooking something which makes the planimpracticable. You see, if you bring one of them home, and one remainsbehindwiththeother,therewillbethreepersonstherewhenoneofyoucomesbackfor thatother, forsomeonemustdrive thebuggyback,and threecan'tcomehomeinit."They all exclaimed, "Why, sure-ly, that is so!" and theywere, all perplexedagain."Dear, dear,what canwe do?" saidMrs.Glossop; "it is themostmixed-upthingthateverwas.Thefoxandthegooseandthecornandthings—oh,dear,theyarenothingtoit."Theysatwearilydownoncemore,tofurthertorturetheirtormentedheadsforaplanthatwouldwork.PresentlyMaryofferedaplan;itwasherfirsteffort.Shesaid:"Iamyoungandstrong,andamrefreshed,now.TakeMr.Browntoourhouse,

andgivehimhelp—youseehowplainlyheneedsit.IwillgobackandtakecareoftheOldPeople;Icanbethereintwentyminutes.Youcangoonanddowhat you first started to do—wait on the main road at our house untilsomebodycomesalongwithawagon;thensendandbringawaythethreeofus.Youwon'thavetowait long;thefarmerswillsoonbecomingbackfromtown,now.IwillkeepoldPollypatientandcheeredup—thecrazyonedoesn'tneedit."Thisplanwasdiscussedandaccepted;itseemedthebestthatcouldbedone,inthecircumstances,andtheOldPeoplemustbegettingdiscouragedbythistime.Brown felt relieved, andwasdeeply thankful.Lethimonceget to themainroadandhewouldfindawaytoescape.ThenMrs.Taylorsaid:"Theeveningchillwillbecomingon,prettysoon,andthosepooroldburnt-outthingswillneedsomekindofcovering.Takethelap-robewithyou,dear.""Verywell,Mother,Iwill."Shesteppedtothebuggyandputoutherhandtotakeit——Thatwastheendofthetale.Thepassengerwhotolditsaidthatwhenhereadthestorytwenty-fiveyearsagoinatrainhewasinterruptedatthatpoint—thetrainjumpedoffabridge.Atfirstwethoughtwecouldfinishthestoryquiteeasily,andwesettoworkwithconfidence;butitsoonbegantoappearthatitwasnotasimplething,butdifficult and baffling. This was on account of Brown's character—greatgenerosity and kindliness, but complicated with unusual shyness anddiffidence,particularlyinthepresenceofladies.TherewashisloveforMary,in a hopeful state but not yet secure—just in a condition, indeed,where itsaffair must be handled with great tact, and no mistakes made, no offensegiven.Andtherewasthemotherwavering,halfwilling-byadroitandflawlessdiplomacytobewonover,now,orperhapsneveratall.Also,therewerethehelpless Old People yonder in the woods waiting-their fate and Brown'shappiness to be determined by what Brown should do within the next twoseconds.Marywasreachingforthelap-robe;Brownmustdecide-therewasnotimetobelost.Ofcoursenonebutahappyendingofthestorywouldbeacceptedbythejury;thefinishmustfindBrowninhighcreditwiththeladies,hisbehaviorwithoutblemish,hismodestyunwounded,hischaracter for self sacrificemaintained,theOldPeople rescued throughhim, their benefactor, all thepartyproudofhim,happyinhim,hispraisesonalltheirtongues.We tried to arrange this, but it was beset with persistent and irreconcilable

difficulties.WesawthatBrown'sshynesswouldnotallowhimtogiveupthelap-robe.ThiswouldoffendMaryandhermother;and itwouldsurprise theother ladies, partly because this stinginess toward the suffering Old Peoplewould be out of characterwithBrown, and partly because hewas a specialProvidenceandcouldnotproperlyactso.Ifaskedtoexplainhisconduct,hisshyness would not allow him to tell the truth, and lack of invention andpractice would find him incapable of contriving a lie that would wash.Weworkedatthetroublesomeproblemuntilthreeinthemorning.MeantimeMarywasstillreachingforthelap-robe.Wegaveitup,anddecidedtolethercontinuetoreach.Itisthereader'sprivilegetodetermineforhimselfhowthethingcameout.

CHAPTERIII.

Itismoretroubletomakeamaximthanitistodoright.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.Ontheseventhdayoutwesawadimvastbulkstandingupoutofthewastesof thePacificandknewthat that spectralpromontorywasDiamondHead,apieceofthisworldwhichIhadnotseenbeforefortwenty-nineyears.SowewerenearingHonolulu,thecapitalcityoftheSandwichIslands—thoseislandswhich to me were Paradise; a Paradise which I had been longing all thoseyearstoseeagain.Notanyotherthingintheworldcouldhavestirredmeasthesightofthatgreatrockdid.Inthenightweanchoredamilefromshore.ThroughmyportIcouldseethetwinkling lights of Honolulu and the dark bulk of the mountain-range thatstretched away right and left. I could not make out the beautiful Nuuanavalley,butIknewwhereitlay,andrememberedhowitusedtolookintheoldtimes.Weusedtorideupitonhorsebackinthosedays—weyoungpeople—and branch off and gather bones in a sandy region where one of the firstKamehameha'sbattleswasfought.Hewasaremarkableman,foraking;andhewasalsoaremarkablemanforasavage.Hewasamerekingletandoflittleor no consequence at the time ofCaptainCook's arrival in 1788; but aboutfour years afterward he conceived the idea of enlarging his sphere ofinfluence. That is a courteous modern phrase which means robbing yourneighbor—for your neighbor's benefit; and the great theater of itsbenevolences isAfrica.Kamehamehawent towar, and in the course of tenyearshewhippedoutalltheotherkingsandmadehimselfmasterofeveryoneofthenineortenislandsthatformthegroup.Buthedidmorethanthat.Heboughtships,freightedthemwithsandalwoodandothernativeproducts,and

sent them as far as South America and China; he sold to his savages theforeign stuffs and tools and utensils which came back in these ships, andstarted the march of civilization. It is doubtful if the match to thisextraordinarythingistobefoundinthehistoryofanyothersavage.Savagesareeagertolearnfromthewhitemananynewwaytokilleachother,butitisnot their habit to seize with avidity and apply with energy the larger andnoblerideaswhichheoffersthem.ThedetailsofKamehameha'shistoryshowthathewasalwayshospitablyreadytoexaminethewhiteman'sideas,andthatheexerciseda tidydiscrimination inmakinghisselectionsfromthesamplesplacedonview.A shrewder discrimination than was exhibited by his son and successor,Liholiho,Ithink.Liholihocouldhavequalifiedasareformer,perhaps,butasaking he was a mistake. A mistake because he tried to be both king andreformer.This ismixing fire andgunpowder together.Akinghasnoproperbusinesswithreforming.Hisbestpolicyistokeepthingsastheyare;andifhecan't do that, heought to try tomake themworse than theyare.This isnotguesswork;Ihavethoughtoverthismatteragooddeal,sothatifIshouldeverhaveachancetobecomeakingIwouldknowhowtoconductthebusinessinthebestway.When Liholiho succeeded his father he found himself possessed of anequipment of royal tools and safeguards which a wiser king would haveknown how to husband, and judiciously employ, and make profitable. Theentirecountrywasundertheonescepter,andhiswasthatscepter.TherewasanEstablishedChurch,andhewastheheadofit.TherewasaStandingArmy,andhewas theheadof that;anArmyof114privatesundercommandof27Generals and a Field Marshal. There was a proud and ancient HereditaryNobility.Therewasstilloneotherasset.Thiswasthetabu—anagentendowedwith a mysterious and stupendous power, an agent not found among theproperties of any European monarch, a tool of inestimable value in thebusiness. Liholiho was headmaster of the tabu. The tabu was the mostingenious and effective of all the inventions that has ever been devised forkeepingapeople'sprivilegessatisfactorilyrestricted.Itrequiredthesexestoliveinseparatehouses.Itdidnotallowpeopletoeatineitherhouse;theymusteatinanotherplace.Itdidnotallowaman'swoman-folktoenterhishouse.Itdidnotallowthesexestoeattogether;themenmusteatfirst,andthewomenmustwaitonthem.Thenthewomencouldeatwhatwasleft—ifanythingwasleft—andwaitonthemselves.Imean,ifanythingofa coarse or unpalatable sortwas left, thewomen could have it. But not thegoodthings,thefinethings,thechoicethings,suchaspork,poultry,bananas,cocoanuts,thechoicervarietiesoffish,andsoon.Bythetabu,alltheseweresacred to the men; the women spent their lives longing for them and

wonderingwhattheymighttastelike;andtheydiedwithoutfindingout.Theserules,asyousee,werequitesimpleandclear.Itwaseasytorememberthem;anduseful.Forthepenaltyforinfringinganyruleinthewholelistwasdeath.Thosewomeneasilylearnedtoputupwithsharkandtaroanddogforadietwhentheotherthingsweresoexpensive.Itwasdeathforanyonetowalkupontabu'dground;ordefileatabu'dthingwith his touch; or fail in due servility to a chief; or step upon the king'sshadow.ThenoblesandtheKingandthepriestswerealwayssuspendinglittleragshereandthereandyonder,togivenoticetothepeoplethatthedecoratedspot or thing was tabu, and death lurking near. The struggle for life wasdifficultandchancyintheislandsinthosedays.Thus advantageouslywas thenewking situated.Will it bebelieved that thefirstthinghedidwastodestroyhisEstablishedChurch,rootandbranch?Hedid indeeddo that.Tostate thecase figuratively,hewasaprosperoussailorwho burnt his ship and took to a raft. This Church was a horrid thing. Itheavilyoppressed thepeople; itkept themalways trembling in thegloomofmysterious threatenings; it slaughtered them in sacrificebefore itsgrotesqueidolsofwoodandstone;itcowedthem,itterrorizedthem,itmadethemslavestoitspriests,andthroughtheprieststotheking.Itwasthebestfriendakingcouldhave,andthemostdependable.Toaprofessionalreformerwhoshouldannihilate so frightful and so devastating a power as thisChurch, reverenceandpraisewouldbedue;buttoakingwhoshoulddoit,couldproperlybeduenothing but reproach; reproach softened by sorrow; sorrow for his unfitnessforhisposition.HedestroyedhisEstablishedChurch,andhiskingdomisarepublictoday,inconsequenceofthatact.WhenhedestroyedtheChurchandburnedtheidolshedidamightythingforcivilization and for his people's weal—but it was not "business." It wasunkingly, it was inartistic. It made trouble for his line. The Americanmissionariesarrivedwhiletheburnedidolswerestillsmoking.Theyfoundthenationwithoutareligion,andtheyrepairedthedefect.Theyofferedtheirownreligionanditwasgladlyreceived.Butitwasnosupporttoarbitrarykingship,and so the kingly power began toweaken from that day. Forty-seven yearslater, when I was in the islands, Kamehameha V. was trying to repairLiholiho'sblunder,andnotsucceeding.HehadsetupanEstablishedChurchand made himself the head of it. But it was only a pinchbeck thing, animitation, abauble, anempty show. Ithadnopower,novalue foraking. Itcouldnotharryorburnorslay,itinnowayresembledtheadmirablemachinewhich Liholiho destroyed. It was an Established Church without anEstablishment;allthepeoplewereDissenters.

Longbefore that, thekingshiphad itselfbecomebut aname, a show.At anearly day the missionaries had turned it into something very much like arepublic; and here lately the business whites have turned it into somethingexactlylikeit.In Captain Cook's time (1778), the native population of the islands wasestimated at 400,000; in 1836 at something short of 200,000, in 1866 at50,000; it is to-day, per census, 25,000. All intelligent people praiseKamehamehaI.andLiholihoforconferringupontheirpeoplethegreatboonofcivilization.Iwoulddoitmyself,butmyintelligenceisoutofrepair,now,fromover-work.When Iwas in the islandsnearly a generation ago, Iwas acquaintedwith ayoungAmerican couplewho had among their belongings an attractive littleson of the age of seven—attractive but not practicably companionablewithme,becauseheknewnoEnglish.HehadplayedfromhisbirthwiththelittleKanakasonhisfather'splantation,andhadpreferredtheirlanguageandwouldlearnnoother.ThefamilyremovedtoAmericaamonthafterIarrivedintheislands,andstraightwaytheboybegantolosehisKanakaandpickupEnglish.Bythetimehewastwelvehehadn'tawordofKanakaleft;thelanguagehadwholly departed from his tongue and from his comprehension. Nine yearslater, when he was twenty-one, I came upon the family in one of the laketownsofNewYork,andthemothertoldmeaboutanadventurewhichhersonhadbeenhaving.Bytradehewasnowaprofessionaldiver.Apassengerboathad been caught in a storm on the lake, and had gone down, carrying herpeoplewithher.Afewdayslatertheyoungdiverdescended,withhisarmoron, and entered the berth-saloon of the boat, and stood at the foot of thecompanionway, with his hand on the rail, peering through the dim water.Presentlysomethingtouchedhimontheshoulder,andheturnedandfoundadead man swaying and bobbing about him and seemingly inspecting himinquiringly.Hewasparalyzedwithfright.His entry had disturbed the water, and now he discerned a number of dimcorpsesmakingforhimandwaggingtheirheadsandswayingtheirbodieslikesleepypeopletryingtodance.Hissensesforsookhim,andinthatconditionhewasdrawntothesurface.Hewasputtobedathome,andwassoonveryill.Duringsomedayshehadseasonsofdeliriumwhichlastedseveralhoursatatime; and while they lasted he talked Kanaka incessantly and glibly; andKanakaonly.Hewasstillveryill,andhetalkedtomeinthattongue;butIdidnotunderstand it,ofcourse.Thedoctor-books tellus thatcases like thisarenotuncommon.Thenthedoctorsoughttostudythecasesandfindouthowtomultiplythem.Manylanguagesandthingsgetmislaidinaperson'shead,andstaymislaidforlackofthisremedy.Manymemoriesofmyformervisittotheislandscameupinmymindwhile

we lay at anchor in front of Honolulu that night. And pictures—picturespictures—anenchantingprocessionofthem!Iwasimpatientforthemorningtocome.Whenitcameitbroughtdisappointment,ofcourse.Cholerahadbrokenoutinthetown,andwewerenotallowedtohaveanycommunicationwiththeshore.Thussuddenlydidmydreamoftwenty-nineyearsgotoruin.Messagescamefrom friends, but the friends themselves Iwasnot tohave any sightof.Mylecture-hallwasready,butIwasnottoseethat,either.SeveralofourpassengersbelongedinHonolulu,andtheseweresentashore;butnobodycouldgoashoreandreturn.Therewerepeopleonshorewhowerebooked to gowith us toAustralia, butwe could not receive them; to do itwouldcostusaquarantine-terminSydney.Theycouldhaveescapedthedaybefore,byshiptoSanFrancisco;butthebarshadbeenputup,now,andtheymight have to wait weeks before any ship could venture to give them apassageanywhither.Andtherewerehardshipsforothers.Anelderlyladyandher son, recreation-seekers from Massachusetts, had wandered westward,furtherandfurtherfromhome,always intending to take thereturn track,butalwaysconcludingtogostillalittlefurther;andnowheretheywereatanchorbeforeHonolulu positively their last westward-bound indulgence—they hadmadeuptheirmindstothat—butwhereistheuseinmakingupyourmindinthisworld?Itisusuallyawasteoftimetodoit.Thesetwowouldhavetostaywith us as far asAustralia. Then they could go on around theworld, or gobackthewaytheyhadcome;thedistanceandtheaccommodationsandoutlayoftimewouldbejustthesame,whicheverofthetworoutestheymightelectto take. Think of it: a projected excursion of five hundred miles graduallyenlarged,withoutanyelaboratedegreeofintention,toapossibletwenty-fourthousand. However, theywere used to extensions by this time, and did notmindthisnewonemuch.Andwe hadwith us a lawyer fromVictoria,who had been sent out by theGovernmentonaninternationalmatter,andhehadbroughthiswifewithhimandleftthechildrenathomewiththeservantsandnowwhatwastobedone?Goashoreamongst the cholera and take the risks?Most certainlynot.Theydecided togoon, to theFiji islands,wait therea fortnight for thenext ship,and then sail for home. They couldn't foresee that they wouldn't see ahomeward-bound ship again for sixweeks, and that noword could come tothemfromthechildren,andnowordgofromthemtothechildreninallthattime.Itiseasytomakeplansinthisworld;evenacatcandoit;andwhenoneisoutinthoseremoteoceansitisnoticeablethatacat'splansandaman'sareworthaboutthesame.Thereismuchthesameshrinkageinboth,inthematterofvalues.There was nothing for us to do but sit about the decks in the shade of the

awnings and look at the distant shore. We lay in luminous blue water;shorewardthewaterwasgreen-greenandbrilliant;attheshoreitselfitbrokein a longwhite ruffle, andwithno crash, no sound thatwe couldhear.Thetownwasburiedunder amat of foliage that looked like a cushionofmoss.Thesilkymountainswereclothedinsoft,richsplendorsofmeltingcolor,andsomeofthecliffswereveiledinslantingmists.Irecognizeditall.Itwasjustas I had seen it long before, with nothing of its beauty lost, nothing of itscharmwanting.Achangehadcome,butthatwaspolitical,andnotvisiblefromtheship.Themonarchyofmydaywasgone,andarepublicwassittinginitsseat.Itwasnota material change. The old imitation pomps, the fuss and feathers, havedeparted, and the royal trademark—that is about all that one could miss, Isuppose.Thatimitationmonarchy,wasgrotesqueenough,inmytime;ifithadheldonanotherthirtyyearsitwouldhavebeenamonarchywithoutsubjectsoftheking'srace.Wehadasunsetofaveryfinesort.Thevastplainoftheseawasmarkedoffinbands of sharply-contrasted colors: great stretches of dark blue, others ofpurple,othersofpolishedbronze; thebillowymountainsshowedall sortsofdainty browns and greens, blues and purples and blacks, and the roundedvelvetybacksofcertainofthemmadeonewanttostrokethem,asonewouldthesleekbackofacat.Thelong,slopingpromontoryprojectingintotheseaatthewestturneddimandleadenandspectral,thenbecamesuffusedwithpink—dissolveditself inapinkdream,sotospeak,itseemedsoairyandunreal.Presently the cloud-rack was flooded with fiery splendors, and these werecopiedon thesurfaceof thesea,and itmadeonedrunkwithdelight to lookuponit.From talks with certain of our passengers whose home was Honolulu, andfrom a sketch by Mrs. Mary H. Krout, I was able to perceive what theHonoluluofto-dayis,ascomparedwiththeHonoluluofmytime.Inmytimeit was a beautiful little town, made up of snow-white wooden cottagesdeliciouslysmotheredintropicalvinesandflowersandtreesandshrubs;anditscoralroadsandstreetswerehardandsmooth,andaswhiteasthehouses.The outside aspects of the place suggested the presence of a modest andcomfortableprosperity—ageneralprosperity—perhapsonemight strengthenthetermandsayuniversal.Therewerenofinehouses,nofinefurniture.Therewere nodecorations.Tallowcandles furnished the light for the bedrooms, awhale-oillampfurnisheditfortheparlor.Nativemattingservedascarpeting.Intheparloronewouldfindtwoorthreelithographsonthewalls—portraitsasarule:KamehamehaIV.,LouisKossuth,JennyLind;andmaybeanengravingortwo:RebeccaattheWell,Mosessmitingtherock,Joseph'sservantsfindingthe cup inBenjamin's sack.Therewould be a center table,with books of a

tranquil sort on it: The Whole Duty of Man, Baxter's Saints' Rest, Fox'sMartyrs, Tupper's Proverbial Philosophy, bound copies of The MissionaryHeraldandofFatherDamon'sSeaman'sFriend.Amelodeon;amusicstand,with 'Willie, We have Missed You', 'Star of the Evening', 'Roll on SilverMoon', 'AreWeMostThere', 'IWould notLiveAlway', and other songs oflove and sentiment, togetherwith an assortment of hymns.Awhat-notwithsemi-globularglasspaperweights,enclosingminiaturepicturesofships,NewEnglandruralsnowstorms,andthelike;sea-shellswithBibletextscarvedonthemincameostyle;nativecurios;whale'stoothwithfull-riggedshipcarvedon it. Therewas nothing reminiscent of foreign parts, for nobody had beenabroad.TripsweremadetoSanFrancisco,butthatcouldnotbecalledgoingabroad.Comprehensivelyspeaking,nobodytraveled.But Honolulu has grown wealthy since then, and of course wealth hasintroducedchanges;someof theoldsimplicitieshavedisappeared.Here isamodernhouse,aspicturedbyMrs.Krout:"Almosteveryhouseissurroundedbyextensivelawnsandgardensenclosedbywallsofvolcanicstoneorbythickhedgesofthebrillianthibiscus."The houses are most tastefully and comfortably furnished; the floors areeitherofhardwoodcoveredwithrugsorwithfineIndianmatting,whilethereis a preference, as in most warm countries, for rattan or bamboo furniture;therearetheusualaccessoriesofbric-a-brac,pictures,books,andcuriosfromallpartsoftheworld,fortheseislanddwellersareindefatigabletravelers."Nearlyeveryhousehaswhatiscalledalanai.Itisalargeapartment,roofed,floored,openonthreesides,withadoororadrapedarchwayopeningintothedrawing-room.Frequently theroof is formedbythe thick interlacingboughsofthehoutree, impervioustothesunandeventotherain,except inviolentstorms.Vinesaretrainedaboutthesides—thestephanotisorsomeoneofthecountlessfragrantandblossomingtrailerswhichaboundintheislands.Therearealsocurtainsofmattingthatmaybedrawntoexcludethesunorrain.Thefloor is bare for coolness, or partially covered with rugs, and the lanai isprettily furnished with comfortable chairs, sofas, and tables loaded withflowers,orwonderfulfernsinpots."Thelanai is thefavoritereceptionroom,andhereatanysocialfunctionthemusicalprogramisgivenandcakesandicesareserved;heremorningcallersarereceived,orgayridingparties,theladiesinprettydividedskirts,wornforconvenienceinridingastride,—theuniversalmodeadoptedbyEuropeansandAmericans,aswellasbythenatives."Thecomfortandluxuryofsuchanapartment,especiallyataseashorevilla,can hardly be imagined. The soft breezes sweep across it, heavy with thefragranceof jasmineandgardenia,and through theswayingboughsofpalm

andmimosathereareglimpsesofruggedmountains, theirsummitsveiledinclouds, of purple seawith thewhite surf beating eternally against the reefs,whiterstillintheyellowsunlightorthemagicalmoonlightofthetropics."There: rugs, ices, pictures, lanais, worldly books, sinful bric-a-brac fetchedfromeverywhere.Andtheladiesridingastride.Thesearechanges,indeed.Inmytimethenativewomenrodeastride,butthewhiteoneslackedthecouragetoadopt theirwisecustom. Inmy time icewas seldomseen inHonolulu. ItsometimescameinsailingvesselsfromNewEnglandasballast;andthen,ifthere happened to be aman-of-war in port and balls and suppers raging byconsequence,theballastwasworthsixhundreddollarsaton,asisevidencedby reputable tradition. But the ice-machine has traveled all over the world,now,andbroughticewithineverybody'sreach.InLaplandandSpitzbergennooneusesnativeiceinourday,exceptthebearsandthewalruses.Thebicycleisnotmentioned.Itwasnotnecessary.Weknowthatit is there,without inquiring. It is everywhere.But for it, people could never have hadsummerhomesonthesummitofMontBlanc;beforeitsday,propertyuptherehadbutanominalvalue.The ladiesof theHawaiiancapital learned too latethe rightway to occupy a horse—too late to getmuch benefit from it. Theriding-horseisretiringfrombusinesseverywhereintheworld.InHonoluluafewyearsfromnowhewillbeonlyatradition.WeallknowaboutFatherDamien,theFrenchpriestwhovoluntarilyforsookthe world and went to the leper island of Molokai to labor among itspopulationofsorrowfulexileswhowaitthere,inslow-consumingmisery,fordeath to come and release them from their troubles; and we know that thethingwhichheknewbeforehandwouldhappen,didhappen:thathebecamealeperhimself,anddiedofthathorribledisease.Therewasstillanothercaseofself-sacrifice, it appears. I asked after "Billy" Ragsdale, interpreter to theParliament in my time—a half-white. He was a brilliant young fellow, andverypopular.Asaninterpreterhewouldhavebeenhardtomatchanywhere.He used to stand up in the Parliament and turn the English speeches intoHawaiian and the Hawaiian speeches into English with a readiness and avolubility that were astonishing. I asked after him, and was told that hisprosperous careerwas cut short in a sudden andunexpectedway, just as hewasabouttomarryabeautifulhalf-castegirl.Hediscovered,bysomenearlyinvisiblesignabouthisskin,thatthepoisonofleprosywasinhim.Thesecretwas his own, and might be kept concealed for years; but he would not betreacheroustothegirlthatlovedhim;hewouldnotmarryhertoadoomlikehis.Andsoheputhisaffairsinorder,andwentaroundtoallhisfriendsandbadethemgood-bye,andsailedinthelepershiptoMolokai.Therehediedtheloathsomeandlingeringdeaththatalllepersdie.In this place let me insert a paragraph or two from "The Paradise of the

Pacific"(Rev.H.H.Gowen)—"Poorlepers!Itiseasyforthosewhohavenorelativesorfriendsamongthemto enforce the decree of segregation to the letter, but who can write of theterrible,theheart-breakingsceneswhichthatenforcementhasbroughtabout?"AmanuponHawaiiwassuddenlytakenawayafterasummaryarrest,leavingbehind him a helplesswife about to give birth to a babe.The devotedwifewith great pain and risk came the whole journey to Honolulu, and pleadeduntil theauthoritieswereunable to resistherentreaty that shemightgoandlivelikealeperwithherleperhusband."Awomanintheprimeoflifeandactivityiscondemnedasanincipientleper,suddenly removed from her home, and her husband returns to find his twohelplessbabesmoaningfortheirlostmother."Imagine it!Thecaseof thebabies ishard,but itsbitterness isa trifle—lessthan a trifle—less than nothing—compared towhat themothermust suffer;andsufferminutebyminute,hourbyhour,daybyday,monthbymonth,yearbyyear,withoutrespite,relief,oranyabatementofherpaintillshedies."Onewoman,LukaKaaukau, has been livingwithher leper husband in thesettlement for twelve years.Themanhas scarcely a joint left, his limbs areonlydistortedulceratedstumps,forfouryearshiswifehasputeveryparticleoffoodintohismouth.Hewantedhiswife toabandonhiswretchedcarcasslong ago, as she herself was sound and well, but Luka said that she wascontenttoremainandwaitonthemanshelovedtillthespiritshouldbefreedfromitsburden."Imyselfhaveknownhardcasesenough:—ofagirl,apparentlyinfullhealth,decoratingthechurchwithmeatEaster,whobeforeChristmasistakenawayasaconfirmedleper;ofamotherhidingherchildinthemountainsforyearsso that not evenher dearest friendsknew that shehad a child alive, that hemightnotbetakenaway;ofarespectablewhitemantakenawayfromhiswifeandfamily,andcompelledtobecomeadwellerintheLeperSettlement,whereheiscounteddead,evenbytheinsurancecompanies."And one great pity of it all is, that these poor sufferers are innocent. Theleprosydoesnotcomeofsinswhichtheycommitted,butofsinscommittedbytheirancestors,whoescapedthecurseofleprosy!Mr.Gowan hasmade record of a certain very striking circumstance.Wouldyou expect to find in that awful Leper Settlement a custom worthy to betransplantedtoyourowncountry?Theyhaveonesuch,anditisinexpressiblytouchingandbeautiful.Whendeathsetsopentheprison-dooroflifethere,thebandsalutesthefreedsoulwithaburstofgladmusic!

CHAPTERIV.

Adozendirectcensuresareeasiertobearthanonemorganaticcompliment.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.SailedfromHonolulu.—Fromdiary:Sept.2.Flocksofflyingfish-slim,shapely,graceful,andintenselywhite.Withthesunonthemtheylooklikeaflightofsilverfruit-knives.Theyareabletoflyahundredyards.Sept.3.In9deg.50'northlatitude,atbreakfast.Approachingtheequatoronalong slant. Those of us who have never seen the equator are a good dealexcited. I think Iwould rather see it than any other thing in theworld.Weenteredthe"doldrums"lastnight—variablewinds,burstsofrain,intervalsofcalm,with chopping seas and awobbly and drunkenmotion to the ship—acondition of things findable in other regions sometimes, but present in thedoldrums always. The globe-girdling belt called the doldrums is 20 degreeswide,andthethreadcalledtheequatorliesalongthemiddleofit.Sept.4.Totaleclipseofthemoonlastnight.At7.30itbegantogooff.Attotal—oraboutthat—itwaslikearichrosycloudwithatumbledsurfaceframedinthe circle andprojecting from it—abulgeof strawberry-ice, so to speak.Athalf-eclipsethemoonwaslikeagildedacorninitscup.Sept.5.Closinginontheequatorthisnoon.Asailorexplainedtoayounggirlthattheship'sspeedispoorbecauseweareclimbingupthebulgetowardthecenteroftheglobe;butthatwhenweshouldoncegetover,attheequator,andstart down-hill,we should fly.When she asked him the other daywhat thefore-yardwas,hesaiditwasthefrontyard,theopenareainthefrontendoftheship.Thatmanhasagooddealoflearningstoredup,andthegirlislikelytogetitall.Afternoon.Crossed the equator. In the distance it looked like a blue ribbonstretched across the ocean. Several passengers kodak'd it. We had no foolceremonies,nofantastics,nohorseplay.Allthatsortofthinghasgoneout.Inoldtimesasailor,dressedasNeptune,usedtocomeinoverthebows,withhissuite,andlatherupandshaveeverybodywhowascrossingtheequatorforthefirst time, and then cleanse these unfortunates by swinging them from theyard-armandduckingthemthreetimesinthesea.Thiswasconsideredfunny.Nobodyknowswhy.No,thatisnottrue.Wedoknowwhy.Suchathingcouldneverbefunnyonland;nopartoftheold-timegrotesqueperformancesgottenupon shipboard to celebrate thepassageof the line couldeverbe funnyonshore—they would seem dreary and witless to shore people. But the shorepeoplewouldchangetheirmindsaboutitatsea,onalongvoyage.Onsuchavoyage,withitseternalmonotonies,people'sintellectsdeteriorate;theowners

oftheintellectssoonreachapointwheretheyalmostseemtopreferchildishthingstothingsofamaturerdegree.Oneisoftensurprisedatthejuvenilitieswhichgrownpeopleindulgeinatsea,andtheinteresttheytakeinthem,andtheconsumingenjoymenttheygetoutofthem.Thisisonlongvoyagesonly.The mind gradually becomes inert, dull, blunted; it loses its accustomedinterestinintellectualthings;nothingbuthorse-playcanrouseit,nothingbutwildandfoolishgrotesqueriescanentertainit.Onshortvoyagesitmakesnosuchexposureofitself;ithasn'ttimetoslumpdowntothissorrowfullevel.The short-voyage passenger gets his chief physical exercise out of "horse-billiards"—shovel-board. It is a good game. We play it in this ship. Aquartermasterchalksoffadiagramlikethis-onthedeck.Theplayerusesacuethatislikeabroom-handlewithaquarter-moonofwoodfastenedtotheendofit.Withthisheshoveswoodendisksthesizeofasaucer—hegivesthediskavigorousshoveandsendsitfifteenortwentyfeetalongthedeckand lands it inoneof thesquares ifhecan. If it stays there till theinningisplayedout,itwillcountasmanypointsinthegameasthefigureinthesquareithasstoppedinrepresents.Theadversaryplaystoknockthatdiskoutandleavehisowninitsplace—particularlyifitrestsuponthe9or10orsomeotherofthehighnumbers;butifitrestsinthe"10off"hebacksitup—lands his disk behind it a foot or two, to make it difficult for its owner toknockitoutofthatdamagingplaceandimprovehisrecord.Whentheinningis played out itmay be found that each adversary has placed his four diskswheretheycount;itmaybefoundthatsomeofthemaretouchingchalklinesandnotcounting;andveryoftenitwillbefoundthattherehasbeenageneralwreckage,and thatnotadiskhasbeen leftwithin thediagram.Anyway, theresult is recorded, whatever it is, and the game goes on. The game is 100points,andittakesfromtwentyminutestofortytoplayit,accordingtoluckand the condition of the sea. It is an exciting game, and the crowd ofspectators furnish abundance of applause for fortunate shots and plenty oflaughter for the other kind. It is a game of skill, but at the same time theuneasymotionof theship isconstantly interferingwithskill; thismakes itachancygame,andtheelementofluckcomeslargelyin.We had a couple of grand tournaments, to determine who should be"ChampionofthePacific";theyincludedamongtheparticipantsnearlyallthepassengers,ofbothsexes,andtheofficersoftheship,andtheyaffordedmanydays of stupendous interest and excitement, and murderous exercise—forhorse-billiardsisaphysicallyviolentgame.Thefiguresinthefollowingrecordofsomeoftheclosinggamesinthefirsttournamentwillshow,betterthananydescription,howverychancythegameis.Thelosershererepresentedhadallbeenwinnersinthepreviousgamesoftheseries,someofthembyfinemajorities:

Chase,102Mrs.D.,57Mortimer,105TheSurgeon,92MissC.,105Mrs.T.,9Clemens,101Taylor,92Taylor,109Davies,95MissC.,108Mortimer,55Thomas,102Roper,76Clemens,111MissC.,89Coomber,106Chase,98Andsoon;untilbutthreecouplesofwinnerswereleft.ThenIbeatmyman,youngSmithbeathisman,andThomasbeathis.Thisreducedthecombatantsto three. Smith and I took the deck, and I led off. At the close of the firstinning I was 10 worse than nothing and Smith had scored 7. The luckcontinued againstme.When Iwas 57,Smithwas 97—within 3 of out.Theluckchanged then.Hepickedupa10-offor so,andcouldn't recover. Ibeathim.ThenextgamewouldendtournamentNo.1.Mr.ThomasandIwerethecontestants.Hewontheleadandwenttothebat—sotospeak.Andtherehestood,withthecrotchofhiscuerestingagainsthisdiskwhiletheshiproseslowlyup,sankslowlydown,roseagain,sankagain.Sheneverseemed to rise tosuithimexactly.Shestarteduponcemore;andwhenshewasnearlyreadyfor the turn,he letdriveand landedhisdisk justwithintheleft-handendofthe10.(Applause).Theumpireproclaimed"agood10," and thegame-keeper set it down. Iplayed:mydiskgrazed the edgeofMr.Thomas'sdisk,andwentoutofthediagram.(Noapplause.)Mr.Thomasplayedagain—andlandedhisseconddiskalongsideofthefirst,andalmosttouchingitsright-handside."Good10."(Greatapplause.)Iplayed,andmissedbothofthem.(Noapplause.)Mr.Thomasdeliveredhisthirdshotandlandedhisdiskjustattherightoftheothertwo."Good10."(Immenseapplause.)Theretheylay,sidebyside, thethreeinarow.Itdidnotseempossible thatanybodycouldmissthem.StillIdidit.(Immensesilence.)Mr.Thomasplayedhis last disk. It seems incredible, buthe actually landedthatdiskalongsideoftheothers,andjusttotherightofthem-astraightsolidrowof4disks.(Tumultuousandlong-continuedapplause.)ThenIplayedmylastdisk.Againitdidnotseempossiblethatanybodycouldmissthatrow—arowwhichwouldhavebeen14incheslongifthediskshadbeenclampedtogether;whereas,withthespacesseparatingthemtheymadealongerrowthanthat.ButIdidit.ItmaybethatIwasgettingnervous.I think itunlikely that that inningshaseverhad itsparallel in thehistoryofhorse-billiards. To place the four disks side by side in the 10 was an

extraordinaryfeat;indeed,itwasakindofmiracle.Tomissthemwasanothermiracle.Itwilltakeacenturytoproduceanothermanwhocanplacethefourdisksinthe10;andlongerthanthattofindamanwhocan'tknockthemout.Iwasashamedofmyperformanceat thetime,butnowthatIreflectuponitIseethatitwasratherfineanddifficult.Mr.Thomaskepthisluck,andwonthegame,andlaterthechampionship.InaminortournamentIwontheprize,whichwasaWaterburywatch.Iputitin my trunk. In Pretoria, South Africa, nine months afterward, my properwatchbrokedownandItooktheWaterburyout,woundit,setitbythegreatclockontheParliamentHouse(8.05),thenwentbacktomyroomandwenttobed, tired from a long railway journey. The parliamentary clock had apeculiaritywhichIwasnotawareofatthetime—apeculiaritywhichexistsinnootherclock,andwouldnotexistinthatoneifithadbeenmadebyasaneperson;on thehalf-hour it strikes the succeedinghour, then strikes thehouragain,atthepropertime.Ilayreadingandsmokingawhile;then,whenIcouldholdmyeyesopennolongerandwasabouttoputoutthelight,thegreatclockbegantoboom,andIcountedten.Ireachedfor theWaterburytoseehowitwas getting along. It was marking 9.30. It seemed rather poor speed for athree-dollarwatch,butIsupposedthattheclimatewasaffectingit.Ishovedithalf an hour ahead; and took to my book and waited to see what wouldhappen.At10thegreatclockstrucktenagain.Ilooked—theWaterburywasmarkinghalf-past10.Thiswastoomuchspeedforthemoney,andittroubledme.Ipushedthehandsbackahalfhour,andwaitedoncemore;Ihadto,forIwasvexedandrestlessnow,andmysleepinesswasgone.Byandbythegreatclockstruck11.TheWaterburywasmarking10.30.Ipusheditaheadhalfanhour,withsomeshowof temper.Byandby thegreatclockstruck11again.TheWaterbury showedup11.30, now, and I beat her brains out against thebedstead.Iwassorrynextday,whenIfoundout.Toreturntotheship.Theaveragehumanbeingisaperversecreature;andwhenheisn'tthat,heisapracticaljoker.Theresulttotheotherpersonconcernedisaboutthesame:thatis,heismadetosuffer.Thewashingdownofthedecksbeginsataveryearlyhour in all ships; in but few ships are any measures taken to protect thepassengers, either by waking or warning them, or by sending a steward toclosetheirports.Andsothedeckwashershavetheiropportunity,andtheyuseit.Theysendabucketofwaterslashingalongthesideoftheshipandintotheports,drenchingthepassenger'sclothes,andoftenthepassengerhimself.Thisgood old custom prevailed in this ship, and under unusually favorablecircumstances,forintheblazingtropicalregionsaremovablezincthinglikeasugarshovelprojectsfromtheporttocatchthewindandbringitin;thisthingcatchesthewash-waterandbringsitin,too—andinfloodingabundance.Mrs.

I.,aninvalid,hadtosleeponthelocker—sofaunderherport,andeverytimeshe over-slept and thus failed to take care of herself, the deck-washersdrownedherout.Andthepainters,whatagoodtimetheyhad!Thisshipwouldbegoing intodockforamonthinSydneyforrepairs;butnomatter,paintingwasgoingonall the time somewhere or other.The ladies' dresseswere constantly gettingruined,neverthelessprotestsandsupplicationswentfornothing.Sometimesalady,takinganafternoonnapondecknearaventilatororsomeotherthingthatdidn't need painting,wouldwake up by and by and find that the humorouspainterhadbeennoiselesslydaubing that thingandhad splatteredherwhitegownalloverwithlittlegreasyyellowspots.Theblame for thisuntimelypaintingdidnot liewith the ship'sofficers, butwith custom.As far back as Noah's time it became law that shipsmust beconstantlypaintedandfussedatwhenatsea;customgrewoutofthelaw,andatseacustomknowsnodeath;thiscustomwillcontinueuntiltheseagoesdry.Sept.8.—Sunday.Wearemovingsonearlysouththatwecrossonlyabouttwomeridians of longitude a day. Thismorningwewere in longitude 178westfrom Greenwich, and 57 degrees west from San Francisco. To-morrow weshallbeclosetothecenteroftheglobe—the180thdegreeofwestlongitudeand180thdegreeofeastlongitude.Andthenwemustdropoutaday—loseadayoutofourlives,adaynevertobe found again.We shall all die one day earlier than from the beginningoftimewewereforeordained todie.Weshallbeadaybehindhandall througheternity.Weshallalwaysbesayingtotheotherangels,"Finedaytoday,"andtheywillbealwaysretorting,"Butitisn'tto-day,it'stomorrow."Weshallbeinastateofconfusionallthetimeandshallneverknowwhattruehappinessis.Next Day. Sure enough, it has happened. Yesterday it was September 8,Sunday;to-day,perthebulletin-boardattheheadofthecompanionway,it isSeptember 10, Tuesday. There is something uncanny about it. Anduncomfortable.Infact,nearlyunthinkable,andwhollyunrealizable,whenonecomes to consider it. While we were crossing the 180th meridian it wasSundayinthesternoftheshipwheremyfamilywere,andTuesdayinthebowwhereIwas.Theywerethereeatingthehalfofafreshappleonthe8th,andIwasatthesametimeeatingtheotherhalfofitonthe10th—andIcouldnoticehowstaleitwas,already.ThefamilywerethesameagethattheywerewhenIhadleftthemfiveminutesbefore,butIwasadayoldernowthanIwasthen.Thedaytheywerelivinginstretchedbehindthemhalfwayroundtheglobe,across the Pacific Ocean andAmerica and Europe; the day I was living instretchedinfrontofmearoundtheotherhalftomeetit.Theywerestupendousdaysforbulkandstretch;apparentlymuchlargerdaysthanwehadeverbeenin before. All previous days had been but shrunk-up little things by

comparison. The difference in temperature between the two days was verymarked,theirdaybeinghotterthanminebecauseitwasclosertotheequator.AlongaboutthemomentthatwewerecrossingtheGreatMeridianachildwasborninthesteerage,andnowthereisnowaytotellwhichdayitwasbornon.ThenursethinksitwasSunday,thesurgeonthinksitwasTuesday.Thechildwillneverknowitsownbirthday.Itwillalwaysbechoosingfirstoneandthentheother,andwillneverbeable tomakeupitsmindpermanently.Thiswillbreed vacillation and uncertainty in its opinions about religion, and politics,and business, and sweethearts, and everything, and will undermine itsprinciples,androtthemaway,andmakethepoorthingcharacterless,anditssuccessinlifeimpossible.Everyoneintheshipsaysso.Andthisisnotall—infact,nottheworst.Forthereisanenormouslyrichbrewerintheshipwhosaid asmuch as ten days ago, that if the childwas born on his birthday hewouldgiveittenthousanddollarstostartitslittlelifewith.HisbirthdaywasMonday,the9thofSeptember.If the ships all moved in the one direction—westward, I mean—the worldwould suffer a prodigious loss—in thematter of valuable time, through thedumpingoverboardontheGreatMeridianofsuchmultitudesofdaysbyshipscrews and passengers.But fortunately the ships do not all sailwest, half ofthemsaileast.Sothere isnoreal loss.Theselatterpickupall thediscardeddaysandaddthemtotheworld'sstockagain;andaboutasgoodasnew,too;forofcoursethesaltwaterpreservesthem.

CHAPTERV.

Noiseprovesnothing.Oftenahenwhohasmerely laidaneggcacklesas ifshehadlaidanasteroid.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.WEDNESDAY,Sept.11.Inthisworldweoftenmakemistakesofjudgment.Wedonotasarulegetoutofthemsoundandwhole,butsometimeswedo.Atdinner yesterday evening-present, a mixture of Scotch, English, American,Canadian, and Australasian folk—a discussion broke out about thepronunciationofcertainScottishwords.Thiswasprivateground,andthenon-Scotch nationalities, with one exception, discreetly kept still. But I am notdiscreet,andItookahand.Ididn'tknowanythingaboutthesubject,butItookahandjusttohavesomethingtodo.Atthatmomentthewordindisputewastheword three.OneScotchmanwasclaiming that thepeasantryofScotlandpronounced it three, his adversaries claimed that they didn't—that theypronounced it 'thraw'. The solitary Scotwas having a sultry time of it, so I

thought Iwould enrich himwithmyhelp. Inmyposition Iwas necessarilyquiteimpartial,andwasequallyaswellandasillequippedtofightontheonesideasontheother.SoIspokeupandsaidthepeasantrypronouncedthewordthree, not thraw. It was an error of judgment. There was a moment ofastonished and ominous silence, then weather ensued. The storm rose andspreadinasurprisingway,andIwassnowedunderinaveryfewminutes.Itwasabaddefeatforme—akindofWaterloo.Itpromisedtoremainso,andIwishedIhadhadbettersensethantoenteruponsuchaforlornenterprise.Butjust then I had a saving thought—at least a thought that offered a chance.Whilethestormwasstillraging,ImadeupaScotchcouplet,andthenspokeupandsaid:"Verywell,don'tsayanymore.Iconfessdefeat.IthoughtIknew,butIseemymistake.IwasdeceivedbyoneofyourScotchpoets.""AScotchpoet!Ocome!Namehim.""RobertBurns."It is wonderful the power of that name. These men looked doubtful—butparalyzed,allthesame.Theywerequitesilentforamoment;thenoneofthemsaid—with the reverence in his voice which is always present in aScotchman'stonewhenheuttersthename."DoesRobbieBurnssay—whatdoeshesay?""Thisiswhathesays:'Therewerenaebairnsbutonlythree—Aneatthebreast,twaattheknee.'"It ended the discussion. There was no man there profane enough, disloyalenough, to say anyword against a thingwhich Robert Burns had settled. Ishallalwayshonorthatgreatnameforthesalvationitbroughtmeinthistimeofmysoreneed.It is my belief that nearly any invented quotation, played with confidence,standsagoodchance todeceive.Therearepeoplewhothink thathonesty isalways the best policy. This is a superstition; there are times when theappearanceofitisworthsixofit.Wearemovingsteadilysouthward-gettingfurtherandfurtherdownundertheprojectingpaunchoftheglobe.YesterdayeveningwesawtheBigDipperandthenorthstarsinkbelowthehorizonanddisappear fromourworld.No,not"we,"butthey.Theysawit—somebodysawit—andtoldmeaboutit.Butitisnomatter, Iwas not caring for those things, I am tired of them, anyway. Ithinktheyarewellenough,butonedoesn'twantthemalwayshangingaround.Myinterestwasall intheSouthernCross.Ihadneverseenthat.Ihadheardaboutitallmylife,anditwasbutnaturalthatIshouldbeburningtoseeit.No

otherconstellationmakessomuchtalk.IhadnothingagainsttheBigDipper—andnaturally couldn't have anything against it, since it is a citizenof ourownsky,andthepropertyoftheUnitedStates—butIdidwantittomoveoutof theway andgive this foreigner a chance. Judgingby the sizeof the talkwhich the SouthernCross hadmade, I supposed itwould need a sky all toitself.But thatwas amistake.We saw theCross to-night, and it is not large.Notlarge,andnotstrikinglybright.Butitwaslowdowntowardthehorizon,anditmayimprovewhenitgetsuphigherinthesky.Itisingeniouslynamed,foritlooks just as a cross would look if it looked like something else. But thatdescription does not describe; it is too vague, too general, too indefinite. Itdoesaftera fashionsuggestacross—across that isoutof repair—oroutofdrawing;notcorrectlyshaped.Itislong,withashortcross-bar,andthecross-bariscantedoutofthestraightline.Itconsistsoffourlargestarsandonelittleone.Thelittleoneisoutoflineandfurtherdamagestheshape.Itshouldhavebeenplacedattheintersectionofthestemandthecross-bar.Ifyoudonotdrawanimaginarylinefromstartostaritdoesnotsuggestacross—noranythinginparticular.One must ignore the little star, and leave it out of the combination—itconfuses everything. If you leave it out, then you canmake out of the fourstars a sort of cross—outof true; or a sort ofkite—outof true; or a sort ofcoffin-outoftrue.Constellationshavealwaysbeentroublesomethingstoname.Ifyougiveoneof thema fancifulname, itwillalways refuse to liveup to it; itwillalwayspersistinnotresemblingthethingithasbeennamedfor.Ultimately,tosatisfythepublic, thefancifulnamehas tobediscardedforacommon-senseone,amanifestly descriptive one. The Great Bear remained the Great Bear—andunrecognizableassuch—forthousandsofyears;andpeoplecomplainedaboutitallthetime,andquiteproperly;butassoonasitbecamethepropertyoftheUnitedStates,CongresschangedittotheBigDipper,andnoweverybodyissatisfied, and there is no more talk about riots. I would not change theSouthernCrosstotheSouthernCoffin,IwouldchangeittotheSouthernKite;forupthereinthegeneralemptinessistheproperhomeofakite,butnotforcoffins andcrosses anddippers. In a littlewhile,now—Icannot tell exactlyhowlongitwillbe—theglobewillbelongtotheEnglish-speakingrace;andof course the skies also. Then the constellations will be re-organized, andpolishedup,andre-named—themostofthem"Victoria,"Ireckon,butthisonewillsailthereafterastheSouthernKite,orgooutofbusiness.Severaltownsandthings,hereandthere,havebeennamedforHerMajestyalready.InthesepastfewdaysweareplowingthroughamightyMilkyWayofislands.They are so thick on the map that one would hardly expect to find room

betweenthemforacanoe;yetweseldomglimpseone.Oncewesawthedimbulkofacoupleof them, faraway,spectralanddreamy things;membersoftheHorne-AlofaandFortuna.Onthelargeroneare tworivalnativekings—and they have a time together. They areCatholics; so are their people. ThemissionariesthereareFrenchpriests.From the multitudinous islands in these regions the "recruits" for theQueensland plantations were formerly drawn; are still drawn from them, Ibelieve.Vessels fittedup likeold-timeslaverscamehereandcarriedoff thenativestoserveaslaborersinthegreatAustralianprovince.Inthebeginningitwasplain,simpleman-stealing,aspertestimonyofthemissionaries.Thishasbeendenied,butnotdisproven.Afterwarditwasforbiddenbylawto"recruit"a native without his consent, and governmental agents were sent in allrecruitingvesselstoseethatthelawwasobeyed—whichtheydid,accordingto the recruiting people; andwhich they sometimes didn't, according to themissionaries. A man could be lawfully recruited for a three-years term ofservice;hecouldvolunteerforanothertermifhesochose;whenhistimewasuphecouldreturntohisisland.Andwouldalsohavethemeanstodoit;forthe government required the employer to put money in its hands for thispurposebeforetherecruitwasdeliveredtohim.Captain Wawn was a recruiting ship-master during many years. From hispleasantbookonegetstheideathattherecruitingbusinesswasquitepopularwith the islanders, as a rule.Andyet thatdidnotmake thebusinesswhollydull and uninteresting; for one finds rather frequent little breaks in themonotonyofit—likethis,forinstance:"Theafternoonofour arrival atLeper Island the schoonerwas lyingalmostbecalmedundertheleeoftheloftycentralportionoftheisland,aboutthree-quartersofamile from the shore.Theboatswere in sightat somedistance.Therecruiter-boathadrunintoasmallnookontherockycoast,underahighbank, above which stood a solitary hut backed by dense forest. Thegovernment agent and mate in the second boat lay about 400 yards to thewestward."Suddenlyweheardthesoundoffiring,followedbyyellsfromthenativesonshore, and then we saw the recruiter-boat push out with a seeminglydiminished crew. The mate's boat pulled quickly up, took her in tow, andpresentlybroughtheralongside,allherowncrewbeingmoreor lesshurt. Itseemsthenativeshadcalledthemintotheplaceonpretenceoffriendship.Acrowdgatheredaboutthesternoftheboat,andseveralfellowsevengotintoher.Allofa suddenourmenwereattackedwithclubsand tomahawks.Therecruiterescapedthefirstblowsaimedathim,makingplaywithhisfistsuntilhe had an opportunity to draw his revolver. 'Tom Sayers,' a Mare man,receivedatomahawkblowontheheadwhichlaidthescalpopenbutdidnot

penetrate his skull, fortunately. 'Bobby Towns,' anotherMare boatman, hadbothhisthumbscutinwardingoffblows,oneofthembeingsonearlyseveredfromthehandthatthedoctorshadtofinishtheoperation.Lihu,aLifuboy,therecruiter's special attendant, was cut and pricked in various places, butnowhereseriously.Jack,anunluckyTannarecruit,whohadbeenengagedtoactasboatman,receivedanarrowthroughhisforearm, theheadofwhich—apieceofbone sevenor eight inches long—was still in the limb,protrudingfromboth sides,when the boats returned.The recruiter himselfwould havegotoffscot-freehadnotanarrowpinnedoneofhisfingerstotheloomofthesteering-oarjustastheyweregettingoff.Thefighthadbeenshortbutsharp.Theenemylosttwomen,bothshotdead."The truth is, Captain Wawn furnishes such a crowd of instances of fatalencountersbetweennativesandFrenchandEnglishrecruiting-crews(for theFrenchare in thebusinessfor theplantationsofNewCaledonia), thatoneisalmost persuaded that recruiting is not thoroughly popular among theislanders;elsewhythisbristlingstringofattacksandbloodcurdlingslaughter?The captain lays it all to "Exeter Hall influence." But for the meddlingphilanthropists, thenativefathersandmotherswouldbefondofseeing theirchildren carted into exile and now and then the grave, instead of weepingaboutitandtryingtokillthekindrecruiters.

CHAPTERVI.

Hewasasshyasanewspaperiswhenreferringtoitsownmerits.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.Captain Wawn is crystal-clear on one point: He does not approve ofmissionaries.Theyobstructhisbusiness.Theymake"Recruiting,"ashecallsit("Slave-Catching,"astheycallitintheirfrankway)atroublewhenitoughtto be just a picnic and a pleasure excursion. The missionaries have theiropinionaboutthemannerinwhichtheLaborTrafficisconducted,andabouttherecruiter'sevasionsofthelawoftheTraffic,andaboutthetrafficitself—anditisdistinctlyuncomplimentarytotheTrafficandtoeverythingconnectedwith it, including the lawfor its regulation.CaptainWawn'sbook isofveryrecentdate;Ihavebymeapamphletofstilllaterdate—hotfromthepress,infact—byRev.Wm.Gray,amissionary;andthebookandthepamphlettakentogethermakeexceedinglyinterestingreading,tomymind.Interesting,andeasytounderstand—exceptinonedetail,whichIwillmentionpresently. It is easy to understandwhy theQueensland sugar planter shouldwanttheKanakarecruit:heischeap.Verycheap,infact.Thesearethefigures

paidbytheplanter:L20totherecruiterforgettingtheKanakaor"catching"him, as the missionary phrase goes; L3 to the Queensland government for"superintending" the importation;L5depositedwith theGovernment for theKanaka'spassagehomewhenhisthreeyearsareup,incaseheshalllivethatlong; about L25 to theKanaka himself for three years'wages and clothing;totalpayment for theuseofaman threeyears,L53;or, includingdiet,L60.Altogether,ahundreddollarsayear.Onecanunderstandwhytherecruiterisfondofthebusiness;therecruitcostshimafewcheappresents(giventotherecruit's relatives,not to the recruithimself),and the recruit isworthL20 tothe recruiterwhendelivered inQueensland.All this isclearenough;but thethingthatisnotclearis,whatthereisaboutitalltopersuadetherecruit.Heisyoungandbrisk;lifeathomeinhisbeautifulislandisonelazy,longholidaytohim;or ifhewantstoworkhecanturnoutacoupleofbagsofcopraperweekandsellitforfourorfiveshillingsabag.InQueenslandhemustgetupat dawn andwork from eight to twelve hours a day in the canefields—in amuchhotterclimatethanheisusedto—andgetlessthanfourshillingsaweekforit.IcannotunderstandhiswillingnesstogotoQueensland.Itisadeeppuzzletome.Hereistheexplanation,fromtheplanter'spointofview;atleastIgatherfromthemissionary'spamphletthatitistheplanter's:"Whenhecomesfromhishomeheisasavage,pureandsimple.Hefeelsnoshame at his nakedness and want of adornment.When he returns home hedoes sowell dressed, sporting aWaterburywatch, collars, cuffs, boots, andjewelry.Hetakeswithhimoneormoreboxes—["Box"isEnglishfortrunk.]—well filledwithclothing, amusical instrumentor two, andperfumeryandotherarticlesofluxuryhehaslearnedtoappreciate."For just one moment we have a seeming flash of comprehension of, theKanaka'sreasonforexilinghimself:hegoesawaytoacquirecivilization.Yes,he was naked and not ashamed, now he is clothed and knows how to beashamed; he was unenlightened; now he has a Waterbury watch; he wasunrefined,nowhehasjewelry,andsomethingtomakehimsmellgood;hewasanobody,aprovincial,nowhehasbeentofarcountriesandcanshowoff.Itall looksplausible—foramoment.Then themissionary takesholdof thisexplanation and pulls it to pieces, and dances on it, and damages it beyondrecognition."Admitting that the foregoing description is the average one, the averagesequel is this: The cuffs and collars, if used at all, are carried off byyoungsters,whofastenthemroundtheleg,justbelowtheknee,asornaments.TheWaterbury,brokenanddirty,findsitswaytothetrader,whogivesatrifleforit;ortheinsideistakenout,thewheelsstrungonathreadandhungroundtheneck.Knives,axes,calico,andhandkerchiefsaredividedamongfriends,

andthereishardlyoneoftheseapiece.Theboxes,thekeysoftenlostontheroadhome, canbebought for2s. 6d.Theyare tobe seen rottingoutside inalmostanyshorevillageonTanna.(IspeakofwhatIhaveseen.)AreturnedKanaka has been furiously angry with me because I would not buy histrousers,whichhedeclaredwerejustmyfit.HesoldthemafterwardstooneofmyAniwanteachersfor9d.worthoftobacco—apairoftrousersthatprobablycosthim8s.or10s.inQueensland.Acoatorshirtishandyforcoldweather.Thewhite handkerchiefs, the 'senet' (perfumery), the umbrella, and perhapsthehat,arekept.Thebootshavetotaketheirchance,iftheydonothappentofit the copra trader. 'Senet' on the hair, streaks of paint on the face, a dirtywhitehandkerchief round theneck,stripsof turtleshell in theears,abelt,asheath and knife, and an umbrella constitute the rig of returned Kanaka athomethedayafterlanding."Ahat,anumbrella,abelt,aneckerchief.Otherwisestarknaked.Allinadaythe hard-earned "civilization" has melted away to this. And even theseperishablethingsmustpresentlygo.Indeed,thereisbutasingledetailofhiscivilization that can be depended on to stay by him: according to themissionary, he has learned to swear.This is art, and art is long, as the poetsays.Inallcountriesthelawsthrowlightuponthepast.TheQueenslandlawfortheregulationoftheLaborTrafficisaconfession.Itisaconfessionthattheevilschargedby themissionariesuponthe traffichadexisted in thepast,and thatthey still existedwhen the lawwasmade. Themissionariesmake a furthercharge: that the law is evaded by the recruiters, and that the GovernmentAgentsometimeshelps themtodo it.Regulation31 reveals two things: thatsometimesayoungfoolofarecruitgetshissensesback,afterbeingpersuadedto sign away his liberty for three years, and dearlywants to get out of theengagement and stay at home with his own people; and that threats,intimidation,andforceareusedtokeephimonboardtherecruiting-ship,andto hold him to his contract. Regulation 31 forbids these coercions. The lawrequiresthatheshallbeallowedtogofree;andanotherclauseof itrequirestherecruitertosethimashore—perboat,becauseoftheprevalenceofsharks.TestimonyfromRev.Mr.Gray:"Thereare'wrinkles'fortakingthepenitentKanaka.MyfirstexperienceoftheTrafficwasacaseofthiskindin1884.Avesselanchoredjustoutofsightofour station, word was brought to me that some boys were stolen, and therelativeswishedmetogoandgetthemback.Thefactswere,asIfound,thatsix boys had recruited, had rushed into the boat, the Government Agentinformedme.Theyhadall'signed';and,saidtheGovernmentAgent,'onboardtheyshallremain.'Iwasassuredthatthesixboyswereofageandwillingtogo.Yet on getting ready to leave the ship I found four of the lads ready to

comeashore in theboat!ThisI forbade.Oneof themjumpedinto thewaterandpersistedincomingashoreinmyboat.Whenappealedto,theGovernmentAgentsuggestedthatwegoandleavehimtobepickedupbytheship'sboat,aquartermiledistantatthetime!"Thelawandthemissionariesfeelfortherepentantrecruit—andproperly,onemaybepermittedtothink,forheisonlyayouthandignorantandpersuadabletohishurt—butsympathy forhim isnotkept in stockby the recruiter.Rev.Mr.Graysays:"Acaptainmanyyearsinthetrafficexplainedtomehowapenitentcouldbetaken.'Whenaboyjumpsoverboardwejusttakeaboatandpullaheadofhim,thenliebetweenhimandtheshore.Ifhehasnottiredhimselfswimming,andpassestheboat,keeponheadinghiminthisway.Thedodgerarelyfails.Theboy generally tires of swimming, gets into the boat of his own accord, andgoesquietlyonboard."Yes,exhaustionis likely tomakeaboyquiet. If thedistressedboyhadbeenthe speaker's son, and the captors savages, the speaker would have beensurprisedtoseehowdifferentlythethinglookedfromthenewpointofview;however, it is not our custom to put ourselves in the other person's place.Somehowthereissomethingpatheticaboutthatdisappointedyoungsavage'sresignation. I must explain, here, that in the traffic dialect, "boy" does notalwaysmean boy; it means a youth above sixteen years of age. That is byQueensland law the age of consent, though it is held that recruiters allowthemselvessomelatitudeinguessingatages.Captain Wawn of the free spirit chafes under the annoyance of "cast-ironregulations."Theyandthemissionarieshavepoisonedhislife.Hegrievesforthegoodolddays,vanishedtocomenomore.Seehimweep;hearhimcussbetweenthelines!"Foralongtimewewereallowedtoapprehendanddetainalldeserterswhohadsignedtheagreementonboardship,but the 'cast-iron'regulationsof theActof1884putastoptothat,allowingtheKanakatosigntheagreementforthreeyears' service, travelabout in the ship in receiptof the regular rations,cadgeallhecould,andleavewhenhethoughtfit,solongashedidnotextendhispleasuretriptoQueensland."Rev.Mr.Graycallsthissamerestrictivecast-ironlawa"farce.""Thereisasmuchcrueltyand injusticedone tonativesbyacts thatare legalasbydeedsunlawful. The regulations that exist are unjust and inadequate—unjust andinadequate theymusteverbe."Hefurnisheshis reasonsforhisposition,buttheyaretoolongforreproductionhere.However,ifthemostaKanakaadvantageshimselfbyathree-yearscourseincivilization in Queensland, is a necklace and an umbrella and a showy

imperfectionintheartofswearing,itmustbethatalltheprofitofthetrafficgoestothewhiteman.Thiscouldbetwistedintoaplausibleargumentthatthetrafficoughttobesquarelyabolished.However,thereisreasonforhopethatthatcanbeleftalonetoachieveitself.Itisclaimedthatthetrafficwilldepopulateitssourcesofsupplywithinthenexttwentyorthirtyyears.Queenslandisaveryhealthyplaceforwhitepeople—death-rate12 in1,000of thepopulation—but theKanakadeath-rate isawayabove that. The vital statistics for 1893 place it at 52; for 1894 (Mackaydistrict),68.ThefirstsixmonthsoftheKanaka'sexilearepeculiarlyperilousfor himbecause of the rigors of the newclimate.Thedeath-rate among thenewmenhasreachedashighas180inthe1,000.IntheKanaka'snativehomehis death-rate is 12 in time of peace, and 15 in time of war. Thus exile toQueensland—withtheopportunity toacquirecivilization,anumbrella,andapretty poor quality of profanity—is twelve times as deadly for him as war.CommonChristiancharity,commonhumanity,doesseemtorequire,notonlythat these people be returned to their homes, but that war, pestilence, andfaminebeintroducedamongthemfortheirpreservation.Concerning these Pacific isles and their peoples an eloquent prophet spokelongyears ago—fiveand fiftyyears ago. In fact, he spokea little tooearly.Prophecyisagoodlineofbusiness,butitisfullofrisks.ThisprophetwastheRightRev.M.Russell,LL.D.,D.C.L.,ofEdinburgh:"IsthetideofcivilizationtorollonlytothefootoftheRockyMountains,andis the sun of knowledge to set at last in the waves of the Pacific? No; themightydayoffourthousandyearsisdrawingtoitsclose;thesunofhumanityhasperformeditsdestinedcourse;butlongereitssettingraysareextinguishedinthewest,itsascendingbeamshaveglitteredontheislesoftheeasternseas....AndnowweseetheraceofJaphetsettingforthtopeopletheisles,andtheseedsofanotherEuropeandasecondEnglandsownintheregionsofthesun.Butmarkthewordsoftheprophecy:'HeshalldwellinthetentsofShem,andCanaan shall behis servant.' It is not saidCanaan shall behis slave.To theAnglo-Saxon race is given the scepter of the globe, but there is not giveneitherthelashoftheslave-driverortherackoftheexecutioner.TheEastwillnotbestainedwiththesameatrocitiesastheWest;thefrightfulgangreneofanenthralled race is not to mar the destinies of the family of Japhet in theOrientalworld;humanizing,notdestroying,astheyadvance;unitingwith,notenslaving, the inhabitantswithwhomtheydwell, theBritishracemay,"etc.,etc.AndhecloseshisvisionwithaninvocationfromThomson:"Come,brightImprovement!onthecarofTime,Andrulethespaciousworldfromclimetoclime."

Verywell,BrightImprovementhasarrived,yousee,withhercivilization,andher Waterbury, and her umbrella, and her third-quality profanity, and herhumanizing-not-destroyingmachinery,andherhundred-and-eightydeath-rate,andeverythingisgoingalongjustashandsome!But the prophet that speaks last has an advantage over the pioneer in thebusiness.Rev.Mr.Graysays:"WhatIamconcernedaboutisthatweasaChristiannationshouldwipeouttheseracestoenrichourselves."AndhecloseshispamphletwithagrimIndictmentwhichisaseloquentinitsflowerlessstraightforwardEnglishasisthehand-paintedrhapsodyoftheearlyprophet:"MyindictmentoftheQueensland-KanakaLaborTrafficisthis"1. It generally demoralizes and always impoverishes the Kanaka, depriveshimofhiscitizenship,anddepopulatestheislandsfittedtohishome."2. It is felt to lower the dignity of the white agricultural laborer inQueensland,andbeyondadoubtitlowershiswagesthere."3.ThewholesystemisfraughtwithdangertoAustraliaandtheislandsonthescoreofhealth."4.OnsocialandpoliticalgroundsthecontinuanceoftheQueenslandKanakaLabor Traffic must be a barrier to the true federation of the Australiancolonies."5. The Regulations under which the Traffic exists in Queensland areinadequatetopreventabuses,andinthenatureofthingstheymustremainso."6.Thewhole system is contrary to the spirit anddoctrineof theGospelofJesus Christ. The Gospel requires us to help the weak, but the Kanaka isfleecedandtroddendown."7.Thebed-rockofthisTrafficisthatthelifeandlibertyofablackmanareofless value than those of a white man. And a Traffic that has grown out of'slave-hunting'willcertainlyremaintotheendnotunlikeitsorigin."

CHAPTERVII.

Truthisthemostvaluablethingwehave.Letuseconomizeit.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.FromDiary:—Foradayortwowehavebeenplowingamonganinvisiblevastwildernessofislands,catchingnowandthenashadowyglimpseofamember

ofit.Theredoesseemtobeaprodigiouslotofislandsthisyear; themapofthisregionisfreckledandfly-speckedalloverwiththem.Theirnumberwouldseem to be uncountable.We aremoving among the Fijis now—224 islandsand islets in the group. In front of us, to thewest, thewilderness stretchestowardAustralia, thencurvesupward toNewGuinea,andstillupandup toJapan;behindus,totheeast,thewildernessstretchessixtydegreesacrossthewastesofthePacific;southofusisNewZealand.SomewhereorotheramongthesemyriadsSamoa isconcealed,andnotdiscoverableon themap.Still, ifyouwishtogothere,youwillhavenotroubleaboutfindingit ifyoufollowthedirectionsgivenbyRobertLouisStevensontoDr.ConanDoyleandtoMr.J.M.Barrie. "Yougo toAmerica, cross thecontinent toSanFrancisco,andthenit's thesecondturningtotheleft."Toget thefullflavorofthejokeonemusttakeaglanceatthemap.Wednesday,September11.—Yesterdaywepassedclosetoanislandorso,andrecognizedthepublishedFijicharacteristics:abroadbeltofcleanwhitecoralsand around the island; back of it a graceful fringe of leaning palms, withnativehutsnestlingcosilyamongtheshrubberyattheirbases;backoftheseastretch of level land clothed in tropic vegetation; back of that, rugged andpicturesquemountains.A detail of the immediate foreground: amoulderingship perched high up on a reef-bench. This completes the composition, andmakesthepictureartisticallyperfect.In theafternoonwesightedSuva, thecapitalof thegroup,and threadedourwayintothesecludedlittleharbor—aplacidbasinofbrilliantblueandgreenwatertuckedsnuglyinamongtheshelteringhills.Afewshipsrodeatanchorinit—oneofthemasailingvesselflyingtheAmericanflag;andtheysaidshecamefromDuluth!There'sajourney!Duluthisseveralthousandmilesfromthe sea, and yet she is entitled to the proud name of Mistress of theCommercialMarineoftheUnitedStatesofAmerica.Thereisonlyonefree,independent,unsubsidizedAmericanshipsailingtheforeignseas,andDuluthownsit.AllbyitselfthatshipistheAmericanfleet.AllbyitselfitcausestheAmericannameandpowertoberespectedinthefarregionsoftheglobe.Allbyitselfitcertifiestotheworldthatthemostpopulouscivilizednation,intheearthhasajustprideinherstupendousstretchofsea-front,andisdeterminedtoassertandmaintainherrightfulplaceasoneoftheGreatMaritimePowersofthePlanet.AllbyitselfitismakingforeigneyesfamiliarwithaFlagwhichthey have not seen before for forty years, outside of themuseum.ForwhatDuluthhasdone,inbuilding,equipping,andmaintainingathersoleexpensetheAmericanForeignCommercialFleet, and in thus rescuing theAmericannamefromshameandliftingithighforthehomageofthenations,weowehera debt of gratitude which our hearts shall confess with quickened beatswheneverhernameisnamedhenceforth.Manynationaltoastswilldieinthelapseoftime,butwhiletheflagfliesandtheRepublicsurvives,theywholive

undertheirshelterwillstilldrinkthisone,standinganduncovered:HealthandprosperitytoThee,ODuluth,AmericanQueenoftheAlienSeas!Row-boatsbegantoflockfromtheshore;theircrewswerethefirstnativeswehadseen.Thesemencarriednooverplusofclothing,andthiswaswise,fortheweather was hot. Handsome, great dusky men they were, muscular, clean-limbed,andwithfacesfullofcharacterandintelligence.Itwouldbehardtofindtheirsuperiorsanywhereamongthedarkraces,Ishouldthink.Everybodywent ashore to look around, and spyout the land, andhave thatluxury of luxuries to sea-voyagers—a land-dinner. And there we sawmorenatives: Wrinkled old women, with their flat mammals flung over theirshoulders, or hanging down in front like the cold-weather drip from themolasses-faucet; plump and smily young girls, blithe and content, easy andgraceful, a pleasure to look at; youngmatrons, tall, straight, comely, noblybuilt, sweeping by with chin up, and a gait incomparable for unconsciousstatelinessanddignity;majesticyoungmen—athletesforbuildandmuscle—clothed in a loose arrangement of dazzling white, with bronze breast andbronzelegsnaked,andtheheadacannon-swabofsolidhaircombedstraightoutfromtheskullanddyedarichbrick-red.Onlysixtyyearsagotheyweresunkindarkness;nowtheyhavethebicycle.Westrolledaboutthestreetsofthewhitefolks'littletown,andaroundoverthehills by paths and roads among European dwellings and gardens andplantations, and past clumps of hibiscus that made a body blink, the greatblossomswereso intenselyred;andbyandbywestoppedtoaskanelderlyEnglishcolonistaquestionortwo,andtosympathizewithhimconcerningthetorridweather;buthewassurprised,andsaid:"This?Thisisnothot.Yououghttobehereinthesummertimeonce.""Wesupposedthatthiswassummer;ithastheear-marksofit.Youcouldtakeittoalmostanycountryanddeceivepeoplewithit.Butifitisn'tsummer,whatdoesitlack?""Itlackshalfayear.Thisismid-winter."Ihadbeensuffering fromcolds for severalmonths, anda suddenchangeofseason,likethis,couldhardlyfailtodomehurt.Itbroughtonanothercold.Itis odd, these sudden jumps from season to season. A fortnight ago we leftAmerica inmid-summer, now it ismidwinter; about aweekhencewe shallarriveinAustraliainthespring.After dinner I found in the billiard-room a resident whom I had knownsomewhereelseintheworld,andpresentlymadesomenewfriendsanddrovewith themout into the country tovisit hisExcellency theheadof theState,whowasoccupyinghiscountry residence, toescape the rigorsof thewinterweather, I suppose, for it was on breezy high ground and much more

comfortable thanthelowerregions,wherethetownis,andwherethewinterhasfullswing,andoftensetsaperson'shairafirewhenhetakesoffhishattobow.Thereisanobleandbeautifulviewofoceanandislandsandcastellatedpeaksfromthegovernor'shigh-placedhouse,anditsimmediatesurroundingsliedrowsinginthatdreamyreposeandserenitywhicharethecharmoflifeinthePacificIslands.Oneofthenewfriendswhowentouttherewithmewasalargeman,andIhadbeenadmiringhissizeall theway. Iwasstilladmiring itashestoodby thegovernor on the veranda, talking; then theFijian butler steppedout there toannouncetea,anddwarfedhim.Maybehedidnotquitedwarfhim,butatanyrate the contrastwas quite striking. Perhaps that dark giantwas a king in aconditionofpoliticalsuspension.IthinkthatinthetalkthereontheverandaitwassaidthatinFiji,asintheSandwichIslands,nativekingsandchiefsareofmuch grander size and build than the commoners.Thismanwas clothed inflowingwhitevestments,andtheywerejustthethingforhim;theycomportedwellwithhisgreat statureandhiskinglyport anddignity.Europeanclotheswouldhavedegradedhimandmadehimcommonplace.Iknowthat,becausetheydothatwitheverybodythatwearsthem.Itwassaidthattheold-timedevotiontochiefsandreverencefortheirpersonsstillsurvivein thenativecommoner,andingreatforce.Theeducatedyounggentlemanwho is chief of the tribe that live in the region about the capitaldressesinthefashionofhigh-classEuropeangentlemen,butevenhisclothescannotdamnhiminthereverenceofhispeople.Theirprideinhisloftyrankandancientlineageliveson,inspiteofhislostauthorityandtheevilmagicofhistailor.Hehasnoneedtodefilehimselfwithwork,ortroublehisheartwiththesordidcaresoflife;thetribewillseetoitthatheshallnotwant,andthathe shallholduphisheadand live likeagentleman. Ihadaglimpseofhimdowninthetown.Perhapsheisadescendantofthelastking—thekingwiththedifficultnamewhosememoryispreservedbyanotablemonumentofcut-stonewhichoneseesintheenclosureinthemiddleofthetown.Thakombau—Iremember,now;thatisthename.Itiseasiertopreserveitonagraniteblockthaninyourhead.FijiwascededtoEnglandbythiskingin1858.Oneofthegentlemenpresentatthegovernor'squotedaremarkmadebythekingatthetimeofthesession—a neat retort, and with a touch of pathos in it, too. The EnglishCommissionerhadofferedacrumbofcomfort toThakombaubysaying thatthetransferofthekingdomtoGreatBritainwasmerely"asortofhermit-crabformality,youknow.""Yes,"saidpoorThakombau,"butwith thisdifference—thecrabmovesintoanunoccupiedshell,butmineisn't."However,asfarasIcanmakeoutfromthebooks,theKingwasbetweenthedevil and the deep sea at the time, and hadn't much choice. He owed the

United States a large debt—a debtwhich he could pay if allowed time, buttimewasdeniedhim.Hemustpayup right awayor thewarshipswouldbeupon him. To protect his people from this disaster he ceded his country toBritain,withaclauseinthecontractprovidingfortheultimatepaymentoftheAmericandebt.In old times the Fijians were fierce fighters; they were very religious, andworshipedidols;thebigchiefswereproudandhaughty,andtheyweremenofgreat style in many ways; all chiefs had several wives, the biggest chiefssometimeshadasmanyasfifty;whenachiefwasdeadandreadyforburial,fouror fiveofhiswiveswere strangledandput into thegravewithhim. In1804 twenty-seven British convicts escaped from Australia to Fiji, andbroughtgunsandammunitionwith them.Considerwhatapower theywere,armedlikethat,andwhatanopportunitytheyhad.Iftheyhadbeenenergeticmenandsober, andhadhadbrainsandknownhow touse them, theycouldhaveachievedthesovereigntyofthearchipelagotwenty-sevenkingsandeachwitheightornineislandsunderhisscepter.Butnothingcameofthischance.Theylivedworthlesslivesofsinandluxury,anddiedwithouthonor—inmostcasesbyviolence.Onlyoneof themhad any ambition; hewas an IrishmannamedConnor.He tried to raisea familyof fiftychildren,andscored forty-eight.Hediedlamentinghisfailure.Itwasafoolishsortofavarice.Manyafatherwouldhavebeenrichenoughwithforty.Itisafinerace,theFijians,withbrainsintheirheads,andaninquiringturnofmind. It appears that their savageancestorshadadoctrineof immortality intheir scheme of religion—with limitations. That is to say, their dead friendwouldgotoahappyhereafterifhecouldbeaccumulated,butnototherwise.They drew the line; they thought that the missionary's doctrine was toosweeping, too comprehensive.They called his attention to certain facts. Forinstance,many of their friends had been devoured by sharks; the sharks, intheirturn,werecaughtandeatenbyothermen;later,thesemenwerecapturedin war, and eaten by the enemy. The original persons had entered into thecompositionof the sharks;next, theyand the sharkshadbecomepartof thefleshandbloodandboneof thecannibals.How, then,could theparticlesoftheoriginalmenbesearchedoutfromthefinalconglomerateandputtogetheragain?The inquirerswere fullofdoubts,andconsidered that themissionaryhadnotexaminedthematterwiththegravityandattentionwhichsoseriousathingdeserved.Themissionary taught theseexactingsavagesmanyvaluable things,andgotfromthemone—averydaintyandpoeticalidea:Thosewildandignorantpoorchildren of Nature believed that the flowers, after they perish, rise on thewindsandfloatawaytothefairfieldsofheaven,andflourishthereforeverinimmortalbeauty!

CHAPTERVIII.

It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctlynativeAmericancriminalclassexceptCongress.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.Whenoneglancesatthemapthemembersofthestupendousislandwildernessof thePacific seem tocrowduponeachother;butno, there isnocrowding,even in the center of a group; and between groups there are lonely widedeserts of sea.Not everything is knownabout the islands, their peoples andtheirlanguages.AstartlingreminderofthisisfurnishedbythefactthatinFiji,twentyyearsago,werelivingtwostrangeandsolitarybeingswhocamefromanunknowncountryandspokeanunknownlanguage."Theywerepickedupbyapassingvesselmanyhundredsofmilesfromanyknownland,floatinginthe same tiny canoe inwhich they had been blownout to sea.When foundtheywere but skin and bone.No one could understandwhat they said, andthey have never named their country; or, if they have, the name does notcorrespondwiththatofanyislandonanychart.Theyarenowfatandsleek,and as happy as the day is long. In the ship's log there is an entry of thelatitudeand longitude inwhich theywerefound,and this isprobablyall thecluetheywilleverhavetotheirlosthomes."—[Forbes's"TwoYearsinFiji."]What a strange and romantic episode it is; and how one is tortured withcuriosity to know whence those mysterious creatures came, those MenWithoutaCountry,errantwaifswhocannotnametheirlosthome,wanderingChildrenofNowhere.Indeed, the IslandWilderness is the very homeof romance anddreams andmystery.Theloneliness,thesolemnity,thebeauty,andthedeepreposeofthiswildernesshaveacharmwhich isall theirownfor thebruisedspiritofmenwhohavefoughtandfailedinthestruggleforlifeinthegreatworld;andformenwhohavebeenhuntedoutofthegreatworldforcrime;andforothermenwholoveaneasyandindolentexistence;andforotherswholovearovingfreelife,andstirandchangeandadventure;andforyetotherswho loveaneasyand comfortable career of trading andmoney-getting,mixedwith plenty ofloosematrimonybypurchase,divorcewithout trialorexpense,and limitlessspreeingthrownintomakelifeideallyperfect.Wesailedagain,refreshed.ThemostcultivatedpersonintheshipwasayoungEnglishmanwhosehomewas inNewZealand.Hewas a naturalist.His learning in his specialtywasdeepandthorough,hisinterestinhissubjectamountedtoapassion,hehadan

easygiftofspeech;andso,whenhetalkedaboutanimalsitwasapleasuretolisten to him. And profitable, too, though he was sometimes difficult tounderstandbecausenowandthenheusedscientifictechnicalitieswhichwereabovethereachofsomeofus.Theywereprettysuretobeabovemyreach,butashewasquitewillingtoexplainthemIalwaysmadeitapointtogethimtodoit.Ihadafairknowledgeofhissubject—layman'sknowledge—tobeginwith, but it was his teachings which crystalized it into scientific form andclarity—inaword,gaveitvalue.His special interest was the fauna ofAustralasia, and his knowledge of thematterwasasexhaustiveasitwasaccurate.IalreadyknewagooddealabouttherabbitsinAustralasiaandtheirmarvelousfecundity,butinmytalkswithhimIfoundthatmyestimateofthegreathindranceandobstructioninflictedbytherabbitpestupontrafficandtravelwasfarshortofthefacts.HetoldmethatthefirstpairofrabbitsimportedintoAustralasiabredsowonderfullythatwithin six months rabbits were so thick in the land that people had to digtrenchesthroughthemtogetfromtowntotown.Hetoldmeagreatdealaboutworms,andthekangaroo,andothercoleoptera,andsaidheknewthehistoryandwaysofallsuchpachydermata.Hesaidthekangaroo had pockets, and carried its young in them when it couldn't getapples.Andhesaidthattheemuwasasbigasanostrich,andlookedlikeone,andhadanamorphousappetiteandwouldeatbricks.Also,thatthedingowasnotadingoatall,butjustawilddog;andthattheonlydifferencebetweenadingoandadodowasthatneitherofthembarked;otherwisetheywerejustthesame.Hesaid that theonlygame-bird inAustraliawas thewombat,and theonlysong-birdthelarrikin,andthatbothwereprotectedbygovernment.ThemostbeautifulofthenativebirdswasthebirdofParadise.Nextcamethetwokinds of lyres; not spelt the same.He said the one kindwas dying out, theotherthickeningup.Heexplainedthatthe"Sundowner"wasnotabirditwasaman;sundownerwasmerely theAustralianequivalentofourword, tramp.Heisaloafer,aharddrinker,andasponge.Hetrampsacrossthecountryinthesheep-shearingseason,pretending to look forwork;buthealways timeshimselftoarriveatasheep-runjustatsundown,whentheday'slaborends;allhewantsiswhiskyandsupperandbedandbreakfast;hegetsthemandthendisappears. The naturalist spoke of the bell bird, the creature that at shortintervalsalldayringsoutitsmellowandexquisitepealfromthedeepsoftheforest.Itisthefavoriteandbestfriendofthewearyandthirstysundowner;forheknowsthatwhereverthebellbirdis,thereiswater;andhegoessomewhereelse.ThenaturalistsaidthattheoddestbirdinAustralasiawasthe,LaughingJackass,andthebiggestthenowextinctGreatMoa.TheMoastoodthirteenfeethigh,andcouldstepoveranordinaryman'sheadorkickhishatoff;andhishead,too,forthatmatter.Hesaiditwaswingless,

but a swift runner.Thenatives used to ride it. It couldmake fortymiles anhour,andkeepitupforfourhundredmilesandcomeoutreasonablyfresh.ItwasstillinexistencewhentherailwaywasintroducedintoNewZealand;stillin existence, and carrying the mails. The railroad began with the sameschedule it has now: two expresses aweek-time, twentymiles an hour.Thecompanyexterminatedthemoatogetthemails.Speakingoftheindigenousconeysandbactriancamels,thenaturalistsaidthattheconiferousandbacteriologicaloutputofAustralasiawasremarkableforitsmanyandcuriousdeparturesfromtheacceptedlawsgoverningthesespeciesof tubercles, but that in his opinion Nature's fondness for dabbling in theerraticwasmost notably exhibited in that curious combinationof bird, fish,amphibian, burrower, crawler, quadruped, and Christian called theOrnithorhynchus—grotesquest of animals, king of the animalculae of theworldforversatilityofcharacterandmake-up.Saidhe:"Youcancallitanythingyouwantto,andberight.Itisafish,foritlivesinthe riverhalf the time; it isa landanimal, for it resideson the landhalf thetime;itisanamphibian,sinceitlikesbothanddoesnotknowwhichitprefers;itisahybernian,forwhentimesaredullandnothingmuchgoingonitburiesitselfunderthemudatthebottomofapuddleandhybernatesthereacoupleofweeksata time; it isakindofduck, for ithasaduck-billand fourwebbedpaddles;itisafishandquadrupedtogether,forinthewateritswimswiththepaddlesandon shore itpaws itself acrosscountrywith them; it is akindofseal, for it has a seal's fur; it is carnivorous, herbivorous, insectivorous, andvermifuginous,foriteatsfishandgrassandbutterflies,andintheseasondigswormsoutofthemudanddevoursthem;itisclearlyabird,foritlayseggs,and hatches them; it is clearly amammal, for it nurses its young; and it ismanifestlyakindofChristian,foritkeepstheSabbathwhenthereisanybodyaround, and when there isn't, doesn't. It has all the tastes there are exceptrefinedones,ithasallthehabitsthereareexceptgoodones."Itisasurvival—asurvivalofthefittest.Mr.Darwininventedthetheorythatgoes by that name, but theOrnithorhynchuswas the first to put it to actualexperimentandprovethatitcouldbedone.HenceitshouldhaveasmuchofthecreditasMr.Darwin.ItwasneverintheArk;youwillfindnomentionofit there; it nobly stayed out and worked the theory. Of all creatures in theworlditwastheonlyoneproperlyequippedforthetest.TheArkwasthirteenmonthsafloat,andall theglobesubmerged;no landvisibleabove theflood,novegetation,nofoodforamammaltoeat,norwaterforamammaltodrink;for allmammal foodwasdestroyed, andwhen thepure floods fromheavenand the salt oceans of the earth mingled their waters and rose above themountain tops, the result was a drink which no bird or beast of ordinaryconstruction could use and live. But this combination was nuts for the

Ornithorhynchus,ifImayuseatermlikethatwithoutoffense.Itsriverhomehad always been salted by the flood-tides of the sea. On the face of theNoachian deluge innumerable forest trees were floating. Upon these theOrnithorhynchus voyaged in peace; voyaged from clime to clime, fromhemispheretohemisphere,incontentmentandcomfort,invirileinterestintheconstant changeof scene, in humble thankfulness for its privileges, in ever-increasing enthusiasm in the development of the great theory upon whosevalidity it had staked its life, its fortunes, and its sacredhonor, if Imayusesuch expressions without impropriety in connectionwith an episode of thisnature."Itlivedthetranquilandluxuriouslifeofacreatureofindependentmeans.Ofthings actually necessary to its existence and its happiness not a detailwaswanting.Whenitwishedtowalk,itscrambledalongthetree-trunk;itmusedin the shade of the leaves by day, it slept in their shelter by night;when itwanted the refreshment of a swim, it had it; it ate leaveswhen itwanted avegetablediet,itdugunderthebarkforwormsandgrubs;whenitwantedfishitcaughtthem,whenitwantedeggsitlaidthem.Ifthegrubsgaveoutinonetreeitswamtoanother;andasforfish,theveryopulenceofthesupplywasanembarrassment. And finally, when it was thirsty it smacked its chops ingratitudeoverablendthatwouldhaveslainacrocodile."Whenatlast,afterthirteenmonthsoftravelandresearchinall theZonesitwentagroundonamountain-summit,itstrodeashore,sayinginitsheart,'LetthemthatcomeaftermeinventtheoriesanddreamdreamsabouttheSurvivaloftheFittestiftheylike,butIamthefirstthathasdoneit!"This wonderful creature dates back like the kangaroo and many otherAustralianhydrocephalousinvertebrates,toanagelonganteriortotheadventofman upon the earth; they date back, indeed, to a timewhen a causewayhundreds of miles wide, and thousands of miles long, joined Australia toAfrica, and theanimalsof the twocountrieswerealike, andallbelonged tothat remote geological epoch known to science as the Old Red GrindstonePost-Pleosaurian. Later the causeway sank under the sea; subterraneanconvulsions lifted the African continent a thousand feet higher than it wasbefore, butAustraliakeptherold level. InAfrica's newclimate the animalsnecessarilybegan todevelopandshadeoff intonewformsand familiesandspecies, but the animals ofAustralia as necessarily remained stationary, andhave so remaineduntil thisday. In the courseof somemillionsofyears theAfricanOrnithorhynchusdevelopedanddevelopedanddeveloped,andsluffedoffdetail afterdetailof itsmake-upuntil at last thecreaturebecamewhollydisintegratedandscattered.WheneveryouseeabirdorabeastorasealoranotterinAfricayouknowthatheismerelyasorrysurvivingfragmentofthatsublime original of whom I have been speaking—that creature which was

everything in general and nothing in particular—the opulently endowed 'epluribusunum'oftheanimalworld."Such is thehistoryof themosthoary, themostancient, themostvenerablecreature that exists in the earth today—Ornithorhynchus PlatypusExtraordinariensis—whomGodpreserve!"Whenhewasstronglymovedhecouldriseandsoarlikethatwithease.Andnotonly in theproseform,but in thepoeticalaswell.Hehadwrittenmanypiecesofpoetryinhistime,andthesemanuscriptshelentaroundamongthepassengers, andwaswilling to let thembe copied. It seemed tome that theleast technicalone in theseries,and theonewhichreached the loftiestnote,perhaps,washis—INVOCATION."Comeforthfromthyoozycouch,OOrnithorhynchusdear!AndgreetwithacordialclawThestrangerthatlongstohear"FromthyownownlipsthetaleOfthyoriginallunknown:ThymisplacedbonewherefleshshouldbeAndfleshwhereshouldbebone;"Andfishyfinwhereshouldbepaw,Andbeaver-troweltail,Andsnoutofbeastequip'dwithteethWheregillsoughttoprevail."Come,Kangaroo,thegoodandtrueForeshortenedastolegs,Andbodytaperedlikeachurn,Andsackmarsupial,i'fegs,"Andtellsuswhyyoulingerhere,Thourelicofavanishedtime,Whenallyourfriendsasfossilssleep,Immortalizedinlime!"Perhaps no poet is a conscious plagiarist; but there seems to bewarrant forsuspecting that there is no poet who is not at one time or another an

unconscious one. The above verses are indeed beautiful, and, in a way,touching; but there is a haunting something about themwhich unavoidablysuggests the Sweet Singer of Michigan. It can hardly be doubted that theauthorhadreadtheworksofthatpoetandbeenimpressedbythem.Itisnotapparentthathehasborrowedfromthemanywordoryetanyphrase,butthestyle and swing andmastery andmelody of the Sweet Singer all are there.Compare this Invocationwith "FrankDutton"—particularly stanzas first andseventeenth—andIthinkthereaderwillfeelconvincedthathewhowrotetheonehadreadtheother:I."FrankDuttonwasasfinealadAseveryouwishtosee,AndhewasdrownedinPineIslandLakeOnearthnomorewillhebe,Hisagewasnearfifteenyears,Andhewasamotherlessboy,HewaslivingwithhisgrandmotherWhenhewasdrowned,poorboy."XVII."HewasdrownedonTuesdayafternoon,OnSundayhewasfound,AndthetidingsofthatdrownedboyWasheardformilesaround.Hisformwaslaidbyhismother'sside,Beneaththecold,coldground,HisfriendsforhimwilldropatearWhentheyviewhislittlemound."TheSentimentalSongBook.ByMrs.JuliaMoore,6.

CHAPTERIX.

Itisyourhumanenvironmentthatmakesclimate.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.

Sept.15—Night.ClosetoAustralianow.Sydney50milesdistant.Thatnoterecallsanexperience.Thepassengersweresentfor, tocomeupinthebowandseeafinesight.Itwasverydark.Onecouldnotfollowwiththeeye the surface of the seamore than fifty yards in any direction it dimmedaway and became lost to sight at about that distance from us. But if youpatiently gazed into the darkness a littlewhile, therewas a sure reward foryou.Presently, aquarterof amileawayyouwould seeablinding splashorexplosion of light on the water—a flash so sudden and so astonishinglybrilliant that itwouldmake you catch your breath; then that blotch of lightwould instantly extend itself and take the corkscrew shape and imposinglengthofthefabledsea-serpent,witheverycurveofitsbodyandthe"break"spreadingawayfromitshead,andthewakefollowingbehinditstailclothedinafiercesplendoroflivingfire.Andmy,butitwascomingatalightninggait!Almostbeforeyoucouldthink,thismonsteroflight,fiftyfeetlong,wouldgoflaming and storming by, and suddenly disappear. And out in the distancewhence he came youwould see another flash; and another and another andanother,andsee themturn intosea-serpentson the instant;andoncesixteenflashedupatthesametimeandcametearingtowardsus,aswarmofwigglingcurves,amovingconflagration,avisionofbewilderingbeauty,aspectacleoffireandenergywhoseequalthemostofthosepeoplewillnotseeagainuntilaftertheyaredead.Itwasporpoises—porpoisesaglowwithphosphorescentlight.Theypresentlycollected in a wild andmagnificent jumble under the bows, and there theyplayed for an hour, leaping and frollicking and carrying on, turningsummersaults in front of the stem or across it and never getting hit, nevermakingamiscalculation,thoughthestemmissedthemonlyaboutaninch,asa rule. They were porpoises of the ordinary length—eight or ten feet—buteverytwistoftheirbodiessentalongprocessionofunitedandglowingcurvesastern.Thatfieryjumblewasanenchantingthingtolookat,andwestayedouttheperformance;onecannothavesuchashowasthattwiceinalifetime.Theporpoiseis thekittenof thesea;heneverhasaseriousthought,hecaresfornothingbutfunandplay.ButI thinkIneversawhimathiswinsomestuntilthat night. It was near a center of civilization, and he could have beendrinking.By and by, when we had approached to somewhere within thirty miles ofSydney Heads the great electric light that is posted on one of those loftyrampartsbegan toshow,and in time the little sparkgrew toagreat sunandpiercedthefirmamentofdarknesswithafar-reachingswordoflight.SydneyHarbor is shut in behind a precipice that extends somemiles like awall, and exhibits no break to the ignorant stranger. It has a break in themiddle,butitmakessolittleshowthatevenCaptainCooksailedbyitwithout

seeing it.Nearby that break is a falsebreakwhich resembles it, andwhichusedtomaketroubleforthemarineratnight,intheearlydaysbeforetheplacewas lighted. It caused thememorabledisaster to theDuncanDunbar,oneofthemostpathetic tragedies in thehistoryof thatpitilessruffian, thesea.Theshipwasasailingvessel;afineandfavoritepassengerpacket,commandedbyapopularcaptainofhighreputation.ShewasduefromEngland,andSydneywaswaiting,andcountingthehours;countingthehours,andmakingreadytogiveheraheart-stirringwelcome;forshewasbringingbackagreatcompanyofmothersanddaughters,thelong-missedlightandbloomoflifeofSydneyhomes;daughters thathadbeenyearsabsentatschool,andmothers thathadbeenwiththemallthattimewatchingoverthem.OfalltheworldonlyIndiaandAustralasia have by custom freighted ships and fleetswith their hearts,andknow the tremendousmeaningof that phrase; only theyknowwhat thewaitingislikewhenthisfreightageisentrustedtotheficklewinds,notsteam,andwhatthejoyislikewhentheshipthatisreturningthistreasurecomessafetoportandthelongdreadisover.On board the Duncan Dunbar, flying toward Sydney Heads in the waningafternoon, the happy home-comers made busy preparation, for it was notdoubted that theywould be in the arms of their friends before the daywasdone;theyputawaytheirsea-goingclothesandputonclothesmeeterforthemeeting, their richest and their loveliest, thesepoorbridesof thegrave.Butthewindlostforce,ortherewasamiscalculation,andbeforetheHeadsweresighted the darkness came on. It was said that ordinarily the captainwouldhavemadeasafeoffingandwaitedforthemorning;butthiswasnoordinaryoccasion; all about him were appealing faces, faces pathetic withdisappointment.Sohissympathymovedhimtotrythedangerouspassageinthedark.HehadenteredtheHeadsseventeentimes,andbelievedheknewtheground.Sohesteeredstraightfor thefalseopening,mistaking it for the trueone.Hedidnotfindoutthathewaswronguntilitwastoolate.Therewasnosavingtheship.Thegreatseasswepther inandcrushedher tosplintersandrubbishupontherocktushesat thebaseof theprecipice.Notoneofall thatfairandgraciouscompanywaseverseenagainalive.Thetaleistoldtoeverystrangerthatpassesthespot,anditwillcontinuetobetoldtoallthatcome,forgenerations;butitwillnevergrowold,customcannotstaleit,theheart-breakthatisinitcanneverperishoutofit.Thereweretwohundredpersonsintheship,andbutonesurvivedthedisaster.He was a sailor. A huge sea flung him up the face of the precipice andstretched him on a narrow shelf of rock midway between the top and thebottom,andtherehelayallnight.Atanyothertimehewouldhavelaintherefortherestofhislife,withoutchanceofdiscovery;butthenextmorningtheghastlynewssweptthroughSydneythattheDuncanDunbarhadgonedowninsight of home, and straightway the walls of the Heads were black with

mourners; andoneof these, stretchinghimself out over theprecipice to spyoutwhatmightbeseenbelow,discoveredthismiraculouslypreservedrelicofthewreck.Ropeswerebroughtandthenearlyimpossiblefeatofrescuingthemanwasaccomplished.Hewasapersonwithapracticalturnofmind,andhehired a hall in Sydney and exhibited himself at sixpence a head till heexhaustedtheoutputofthegoldfieldsforthatyear.We entered and cast anchor, and in themorningwent oh-ing and ah-ing inadmiration up through the crooks and turns of the spacious and beautifulharbor—aharborwhichisthedarlingofSydneyandthewonderoftheworld.It is not surprising that the people are proud of it, nor that they put theirenthusiasmintoeloquentwords.AreturningcitizenaskedmewhatIthoughtofit,andItestifiedwithacordialitywhichIjudgedwouldbeuptothemarketrate. Isaid itwasbeautiful—superblybeautiful.Thenbyanatural impulseIgaveGodthepraise.Thecitizendidnotseemaltogethersatisfied.Hesaid:"Itisbeautiful,ofcourseit'sbeautiful—theHarbor;butthatisn'tallofit,it'sonlyhalfof it;Sydney's theotherhalf,and it takesbothof themtogether toringthesupremacy-bell.GodmadetheHarbor,andthat'sallright;butSatanmadeSydney."OfcourseImadeanapology;andaskedhimtoconveyittohisfriend.HewasrightaboutSydneybeinghalfofit.ItwouldbebeautifulwithoutSydney,butnot above half as beautiful as it is now, with Sydney added. It is shapedsomewhatlikeanoak-leaf—aroomysheetoflovelybluewater,withnarrowoff-shoots ofwater running up into the country on both sides between longfingersofland,highwoodenridgeswithsidesslopedlikegraves.Handsomevillas are perched here and there on these ridges, snuggling amongst thefoliage, and one catches alluring glimpses of them as the ship swims bytowardthecity.Thecityclothesaclusterofhillsandaruffleofneighboringridgeswithitsundulatingmassesofmasonry,andoutofthesemassesspringtowersandspiresandotherarchitecturaldignitiesandgrandeursthatbreaktheflowinglinesandgivepicturesquenesstothegeneraleffect.The narrow inlets which I have mentioned go wandering out into the landeverywhere and hiding themselves in it, and pleasure-launches are alwaysexploring themwithpicnicpartiesonboard. It issaidby trustworthypeoplethatifyouexplorethemallyouwillfindthatyouhavecovered700milesofwaterpassage.But thereare liarseverywhere thisyear,and theywilldoublethat when their works are in good going order. October was close at hand,springwascome.Itwasreallyspring—everybodysaidso;butyoucouldhavesold it forsummer inCanada,andnobodywouldhavesuspected. Itwas theveryweatherthatmakesourhomesummerstheperfectionofclimaticluxury;Imean,whenyouareoutinthewoodorbythesea.Butthesepeoplesaiditwas cool, now—a person ought to see Sydney in the summer time if he

wantedtoknowwhatwarmweatheris;andheoughttogonorthtenorfifteenhundredmilesifhewantedtoknowwhathotweatheris.Theysaidthatawayuptheretowardtheequatorthehenslaidfriedeggs.Sydneyistheplacetogoto get information about other people's climates. It seems to me that theoccupation ofUnbiasedTraveler Seeking Information is the pleasantest andmostirresponsibletradethereis.Thetravelercanalwaysfindoutanythinghewantsto,merelybyasking.Hecangetatallthefacts,andmore.Everybodyhelpshim,nobodyhindershim.Anybodywhohasanoldfactinstockthatisno longer negotiable in the domesticmarketwill let himhave it at his ownprice.Anaccumulationofsuchgoods iseasilyandquicklymade.Theycostalmostnothingandtheybringparintheforeignmarket.Travelerswhocometo America always freight up with the same old nursery tales that theirpredecessors selected, and they carry them back and alwayswork them offwithoutanytroubleinthehomemarket.Iftheclimatesoftheworldweredeterminedbyparallelsoflatitude,thenwecould know a place's climate by its position on themap; and sowe shouldknow that the climate of Sydney was the counterpart of the climate ofColumbia,S.C.,andofLittleRock,Arkansas,sinceSydneyisaboutthesamedistancesouthoftheequatorthatthoseothertownsarenorthofit—thirty-fourdegrees.Butno,climatedisregardstheparallelsoflatitude.InArkansastheyhaveawinter; inSydney theyhave thenameof it,butnot the thing itself. Ihaveseen the ice in theMississippi floatingpast themouthof theArkansasriver;andatMemphis,butalittlewayabove,theMississippihasbeenfrozenover,frombanktobank.ButtheyhaveneverhadacoldspellinSydneywhichbroughtthemercurydowntofreezingpoint.Onceinamid-winterdaythere,inthemonthofJuly,themercurywentdownto36deg.,andthatremainsthememorable "cold day" in the history of the town.NodoubtLittleRockhasseenitbelowzero.Once, inSydney,inmid-summer,aboutNewYear'sDay,themercurywentupto106deg.intheshade,andthatisSydney'smemorablehotday.ThatwouldabouttallywithLittleRock'shottestdayalso,Iimagine.MySydneyfiguresare takenfromagovernmentreport,andare trustworthy.In the matter of summer weather Arkansas has no advantage over Sydney,perhaps,butwhenitcomestowinterweather,thatisanotheraffair.YoucouldcutupanArkansaswinterintoahundredSydneywintersandhaveenoughleftforArkansasandthepoor.Thewholenarrow,hillybeltof thePacificsideofNewSouthWaleshastheclimate of its capital—a mean winter temperature of 54 deg. and a meansummer one of 71 deg. It is a climatewhich cannot be improved upon forhealthfulness.Buttheexpertssaythat90deg.inNewSouthWalesishardertobear than 112 deg. in the neighboring colony of Victoria, because theatmosphere of the former is humid, and of the latter dry. The meantemperatureofthesouthernmostpointofNewSouthWalesisthesameasthat

ofNice—60deg.—yetNiceisfurtherfromtheequatorby460miles thanistheformer.But Nature is always stingy of perfect climates; stingier in the case ofAustraliathanusual.Apparentlythisvastcontinenthasareallygoodclimatenowherebutaroundtheedges.IfwelookatamapoftheworldwearesurprisedtoseehowbigAustraliais.It is about two-thirds as large as the United States was before we addedAlaska.But where as one finds a sufficiently good climate and fertile land almosteverywhereintheUnitedStates,itseemssettledthatinsideoftheAustralianborder-beltonefindsmanydesertsandinspotsaclimatewhichnothingcanstandexceptafewofthehardierkindsofrocks.Ineffect,Australiaisasyetunoccupied.IfyoutakeamapoftheUnitedStatesandleavetheAtlanticsea-board States in their places; also the fringe of Southern States fromFloridawest to theMouthof theMississippi; also anarrow, inhabited streakup theMississippihalf-waytoitsheadwaters;alsoanarrow,inhabitedborderalongthe Pacific coast: then take a brushful of paint and obliterate the wholeremainingmightystretchofcountrythatliesbetweentheAtlanticStatesandthePacific-coaststrip,yourmapwilllooklikethelatestmapofAustralia.Thisstupendousblankishot,nottosaytorrid;apartofitisfertile,therestisdesert; it isnot liberallywatered; ithasno towns.Onehasonly tocross themountainsofNewSouthWalesanddescendintothewestward-lyingregionstofindthathehasleftthechoiceclimatebehindhim,andfoundanewoneofaquitedifferentcharacter.Infact,hewouldnotknowbythethermometerthathewasnot intheblisteringPlainsofIndia.CaptainSturt, thegreatexplorer,givesusasampleoftheheat."Thewind,whichhadbeenblowingallthemorningfromtheN.E.,increasedtoaheavygale,andIshallneverforget itswitheringeffect. Isoughtshelterbehindalargegum-tree,buttheblastsofheatweresoterrificthatIwonderedtheverygrassdidnottakefire.Thisreallywasnothingideal:everythingbothanimateandinanimategavewaybeforeit;thehorsesstoodwiththeirbackstothewindandtheirnosestotheground,withoutthemuscularstrengthtoraisetheirheads; thebirdsweremute,andtheleavesof the treesunderwhichweweresittingfelllikeasnowshoweraroundus.AtnoonItookathermometergradedto127deg.,outofmybox,andobservedthatthemercurywasupto125.Thinkingthatithadbeenundulyinfluenced,Iputitintheforkofatreeclose tome,shelteredalikefromthewindand thesun. Iwent toexamine itaboutanhourafterwards,whenIfoundthemercuryhadrisentothe-topoftheinstrumentandhadburstthebulb,acircumstancethatIbelievenotravelerhasever before had to record. I cannot find language to convey to the reader'smindanideaoftheintenseandoppressivenatureoftheheatthatprevailed."

That hot wind sweeps over Sydney sometimes, and brings with it what iscalleda"dust-storm."ItissaidthatmostAustraliantownsareacquaintedwiththedust-storm.IthinkIknowwhatitislike,forthefollowingdescriptionbyMr.Gape talliesverywellwith thealkaliduststormofNevada, ifyou leaveoutthe"shovel"part.Stilltheshovelpartisaprettyimportantpart,andseemstoindicatethatmyNevadastormisbutapoorthing,afterall."As we proceeded the altitude became less, and the heat proportionatelygreateruntilwereachedDubbo,whichisonly600feetabovesea-level.Itisaprettytown,builtonanextensiveplain....Aftertheeffectsofashowerofrainhavepassedawaythesurfaceofthegroundcrumblesintoathicklayerofdust, and occasionally, when the wind is in a particular quarter, it is liftedbodilyfromthegroundinonelongopaquecloud.Inthemidstofsuchastormnothingcanbeseenafewyardsahead,andtheunluckypersonwhohappenstobeoutatthetimeiscompelledtoseekthenearestretreatathand.Whenthethriftyhousewifesees in thedistance thedarkcolumnadvancing inasteadywhirl towards her house, she closes the doors and windows with allexpedition. A drawing-room, the window of which has been carelessly leftopen during a dust-storm, is indeed an extraordinary sight.A ladywho hasresidedinDubboforsomeyearssaysthatthedustliessothickonthecarpetthatitisnecessarytouseashoveltoremoveit."Andprobablyawagon.Iwasmistaken;Ihavenotseenaproperduststorm.TomymindtheexterioraspectsandcharacterofAustraliaarefascinatingthingsto look at and think about, they are so strange, so weird, so new, souncommonplace,suchastartlingandinterestingcontrasttotheothersectionsof theplanet, the sections that areknown tous all, familiar tous all. In thematter of particulars—a detail here, a detail there—we have had the choiceclimate of New SouthWales' seacoast; we have had the Australian heat asfurnished by Captain Sturt; we have had the wonderful dust-storm; andwehave considered thephenomenonof an almost emptyhotwildernesshalf asbig as theUnited States,with a narrow belt of civilization, population, andgoodclimatearoundit.

CHAPTERX.

Everythinghumanispathetic.ThesecretsourceofHumoritselfisnotjoybutsorrow.Thereisnohumorinheaven.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.Captain Cook found Australia in 1770, and eighteen years later the BritishGovernment began to transport convicts to it.Altogether,NewSouthWales

received83,000in53years.Theconvictsworeheavychains;theywereill-fedandbadlytreatedbytheofficerssetoverthem;theywereheavilypunishedforevenslightinfractionsoftherules;"thecruelestdisciplineeverknown"isonehistorian'sdescriptionoftheirlife.—[TheStoryofAustralasia.J.S.Laurie.]Englishlawwashard-heartedinthosedays.Fortriflingoffenseswhichinourday would be punished by a small fine or a few days' confinement, men,women, and boyswere sent to this other end of the earth to serve terms ofsevenandfourteenyears;andforseriouscrimestheyweretransportedforlife.Childrenweresenttothepenalcoloniesforsevenyearsforstealingarabbit!When I was in London twenty-three years ago there was a new penalty inforcefordiminishinggarrotingandwife-beating—25lashesonthebarebackwiththecat-o'-nine-tails.Itwassaidthatthisterriblepunishmentwasabletobringthestubbornestruffianstoterms;andthatnomanhadbeenfoundwithgritenoughtokeephisemotionstohimselfbeyondtheninthblow;asarulethemanshriekedearlier.Thatpenaltyhadagreatandwholesomeeffectuponthegarrotersandwife-beaters;buthumanemodernLondoncouldnotendureit;itgotitslawrescinded.ManyabruisedandbatteredEnglishwifehassincehadoccasiontodeplorethatcruelachievementofsentimental"humanity."Twenty-five lashes! InAustralia andTasmania they gave a convict fifty foralmostanylittleoffense;andsometimesabrutalofficerwouldaddfifty,andthenanotherfifty,andsoon,as longas thesufferercouldendure the tortureandlive.InTasmaniaIreadtheentry,inanoldmanuscriptofficialrecord,ofacasewhereaconvictwasgiventhreehundredlashes—forstealingsomesilverspoons.Andmengotmorethanthat,sometimes.Whohandledthecat?Oftenitwasanotherconvict;sometimesitwastheculprit'sdearestcomrade;andhehadtolayonwithallhismight;otherwisehewouldgetaflogginghimselfforhismercy—forhewasunderwatch—andyetnotdohisfriendanygood:thefriendwouldbeattendedtobyanotherhandandsuffernolackinthematteroffullpunishment.Theconvict life inTasmaniawas sounendurable, and suicide sodifficult toaccomplishthatonceortwicedespairingmengottogetheranddrewstrawstodetermine which of them should kill another of the group—this murder tosecuredeath to theperpetrator and to thewitnessesof it by thehandof thehangman!Theincidentsquotedabovearemerehints,meresuggestionsofwhatconvictlife was like—they are but a couple of details tossed into view out of ashorelessseaofsuch;or,tochangethefigure,theyarebutapairofflamingsteeples photographed from a pointwhich hides from sight the burning citywhichstretchesawayfromtheirbasesoneveryhand.Someoftheconvicts—indeed,agoodmanyofthem—wereverybadpeople,

even for thatday;but themostof themwereprobablynotnoticeablyworsethantheaverageofthepeopletheyleftbehindthemathome.Wemustbelievethis;wecannotavoidit.Weareobligedtobelievethatanationthatcouldlookon,unmoved,andseestarvingorfreezingwomenhangedforstealingtwenty-sixcents'worthofbaconorrags,andboyssnatchedfromtheirmothers,andmenfromtheirfamilies,andsenttotheothersideoftheworldforlongtermsofyearsforsimilartriflingoffenses,wasanationtowhomtheterm"civilized"couldnotinanylargewaybeapplied.Andwemustalsobelievethatanationthatknew,duringmore thanfortyyears,whatwashappening to thoseexilesandwasstillcontentwith it,wasnotadvancing inanyshowyway towardahighergradeofcivilization.Ifwelookintothecharactersandconductoftheofficersandgentlemenwhohadchargeoftheconvictsandattendedtotheirbacksandstomachs,wemustgrantagainthatasbetweentheconvictandhismasters,andbetweenbothandthenationathome,therewasaquitenoticeablemonotonyofsameness.Four years had gone by, andmany convicts had come. Respectable settlerswerebeginningtoarrive.Thesetwoclassesofcolonistshadtobeprotected,incaseoftroubleamongthemselvesorwiththenatives.Itispropertomentionthe natives, though they could hardly count theywere so scarce. At a timewhentheyhadnotasyetbeguntobemuchdisturbed—notasyetbeingintheway—itwasestimated that inNewSouthWales therewasbutonenative to45,000acresofterritory.People had to be protected. Officers of the regular army did not want thisservice—awayofftherewhereneitherhonornordistinctionwastobegained.SoEnglandrecruitedandofficeredakindofmilitiaforceof1,000uniformedcivilianscalledthe"NewSouthWalesCorps"andshippedit.This was the worst blow of all. The colony fairly staggered under it. TheCorpswasanobject-lessonof themoralconditionofEnglandoutsideof thejails. The colonists trembled. It was feared that next there would be animportationofthenobility.Inthoseearlydaysthecolonywasnon-supporting.Allthenecessariesoflife—food, clothing, and all—were sent out from England, and kept in greatgovernmentstore-houses,andgiventotheconvictsandsoldtothesettlers—soldatatriflingadvanceuponcost.TheCorpssawitsopportunity.Itsofficerswentintocommerce,andinamostlawlessway.Theywenttoimportingrum,andalsotomanufacturingit inprivatestills, indefianceof thegovernment'scommands and protests. They leagued themselves together and ruled themarket;theyboycottedthegovernmentandtheotherdealers;theyestablishedaclosemonopolyandkeptitstrictlyintheirownhands.Whenavesselarrivedwithspirits, theyallowednobodytobuybutthemselves,andtheyforcedtheownertoselltothematapricenamedbythemselves—anditwasalwayslow

enough.Theyboughtrumatanaverageoftwodollarsagallonandsolditatanaverageoften.Theymaderumthecurrencyofthecountry—fortherewaslittleornomoney—and theymaintained theirdevastatingholdandkept thecolonyundertheirheelforeighteenortwentyyearsbeforetheywerefinallyconqueredandroutedbythegovernment.Meantime,theyhadspreadintemperanceeverywhere.Andtheyhadsqueezedfarm after farm out of the settlers hands for rum, and thus had bountifullyenriched themselves.Whena farmerwascaught in the last agoniesof thirsttheytookadvantageofhimandsweatedhimforadrink.Inoneinstancetheysoldamanagallonof rumworth twodollars for apieceofpropertywhichwassoldsomeyearslaterfor$100,000.Whenthecolonywasabouteighteenortwentyyearsolditwasdiscoveredthatthelandwasspeciallyfittedforthewool-culture.Prosperityfollowed,commercewiththeworldbegan,byandbyrich mines of the noble metals were opened, immigrants flowed in, capitallikewise.Theresult is thegreatandwealthyandenlightenedcommonwealthofNewSouthWales.Itisacountrythatisrichinmines,woolranches,trams,railways,steamshiplines,schools,newspapers,botanicalgardens,artgalleries,libraries,museums,hospitals, learned societies; it is the hospitable home of every species ofculture andof every species ofmaterial enterprise, and there is a, church ateveryman'sdoor,andarace-trackovertheway.

CHAPTERXI.

Weshouldbecarefultogetoutofanexperienceonlythewisdomthatisinit—andstopthere;lestwebelikethecatthatsitsdownonahotstove-lid.Shewillneversitdownonahotstove-lidagain—andthatiswell;butalsoshewillneversitdownonacoldoneanymore.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.AllEnglish-speakingcoloniesaremadeupoflavishlyhospitablepeople,andNewSouthWalesanditscapitalareliketherestinthis.TheEnglish-speakingcolonyoftheUnitedStatesofAmericaisalwayscalledlavishlyhospitablebytheEnglishtraveler.AstotheotherEnglish-speakingcoloniesthroughouttheworldfromCanadaallaround,Iknowbyexperiencethatthedescriptionfitsthem. I will not go more particularly into this matter, for I find that whenwriterstrytodistributetheirgratitudehereandthereandyonderbydetailtheyrunacrossdifficultiesanddosomeungracefulstumbling.Mr.Gape ("NewSouthWalesandVictoria in1885"), tried todistributehisgratitude,andwasnotlucky:

"The inhabitantsofSydneyare renownedfor theirhospitality.The treatmentwhichweexperiencedat thehandsof thisgenerous-heartedpeoplewillhelpmorethananythingelsetomakeusrecollectwithpleasureourstayamongstthem.Inthecharacterofhostsandhostessestheyexcel.The'newchum'needsonlytheacquaintanceshipofoneoftheirnumber,andhebecomesatoncethehappy recipient of numerous complimentary invitations and thoughtfulkindnesses. Of the towns it has been our good fortune to visit, none haveportrayedhomesofaithfullyasSydney."Nobodycouldsayitfinerthanthat.Ifhehadputinhiscorkthen,andstayedawayfromDubbo——butno;heedlessman,hepulleditagain.Pulleditwhenhewas away along inhis book, andhismemoryofwhat hehad said aboutSydneyhadgrowndim:"We cannot quit the promising town of Dubbo without testifying, in warmpraise, to the kind-hearted and hospitable usages of its inhabitants. Sydney,though well deserving the character it bears of its kindly treatment ofstrangers,possessesa littleformalityandreserve.InDubbo,onthecontrary,though the same congenial manners prevail, there is a pleasing degree ofrespectful familiaritywhich gives the town a homely comfort not oftenmetwith elsewhere. In laying on one side our penwe feel contented in havingbeen able, though so late in this work, to bestow a panegyric, howeverunpretentious, on a town which, though possessing no picturesque naturalsurroundings, nor interesting architectural productions, has yet a body ofcitizens whose hearts cannot but obtain for their town a reputation forbenevolenceandkind-heartedness."IwonderwhatsouredhimonSydney.Itseemsstrangethatapleasingdegreeofthreeorfourfingersofrespectfulfamiliarityshouldfillamanupandgivehimthepanegyricssobad.Forhehasthem,theworstway—anyonecanseethat. A man who is perfectly at himself does not throw cold detraction atpeople's architectural productions and picturesque surroundings, and let onthat what he prefers is a Dubbonese dust-storm and a pleasing degree ofrespectfulfamiliarity.No,theseareold,oldsymptoms;andwhentheyappearweknowthatthemanhasgotthepanegyrics.Sydney has a population of 400,000.When a stranger from America stepsashore there, the first thing that strikeshim is that theplace is eightorninetimesaslargeashewasexpectingittobe;andthenextthingthatstrikeshimisthatitisanEnglishcitywithAmericantrimmings.Lateron,inMelbourne,hewill find theAmerican trimmings stillmore in evidence; there, even thearchitecturewilloftensuggestAmerica;aphotographofitsstateliestbusinessstreetmight be passed upon him for a picture of the finest street in a largeAmerican city. Iwas told that themost of the fine residenceswere the cityresidences of squatters.Thename seemedout of focus somehow.When the

explanation came, it offered a new instance of the curious changes whichwords, as well as animals, undergo through change of habitat and climate.Withus,whenyouspeakofasquatteryouarealwayssupposedtobespeakingofapoorman,butinAustraliawhenyouspeakofasquatteryouaresupposedtobespeakingofamillionaire;inAmericathewordindicatesthepossessorofafewacresandadoubtfultitle,inAustraliaitindicatesamanwhoselandfrontis as long as a railroad, and whose title has been perfected in one way oranother;inAmericathewordindicatesamanwhoownsadozenheadoflivestock,inAustraliaamanwhoownsanywherefromfiftythousanduptohalfamillion head; inAmerica theword indicates amanwho is obscure and notimportant,inAustraliaamanwhoisprominentandofthefirstimportance;inAmericayoutakeoffyourhattonosquatter,inAustraliayoudo;inAmericaif youruncle is a squatteryoukeep it dark, inAustraliayouadvertise it; inAmericaifyourfriendisasquatternothingcomesofit,butwithasquatterforyourfriendinAustraliayoumaysupwithkingsifthereareanyaround.InAustralia it takesabout twoacresandahalfofpastureland (somepeoplesay twice as many), to support a sheep; and when the squatter has half amillionsheephisprivatedomainisaboutaslargeasRhodeIsland,tospeakingeneralterms.Hisannualwoolcropmaybeworthaquarterorahalfmilliondollars.Hewill live in apalace inMelbourneorSydneyor someotherof the largecities,andmakeoccasionaltripstohissheep-kingdomseveralhundredmilesawayinthegreatplainstolookafterhisbattalionsofridersandshepherdsandotherhands.Hehasa commodiousdwellingout there, and ifheapproveofyouhewillinviteyoutospendaweekinit,andwillmakeyouathomeandcomfortable,andletyouseethegreatindustryinallitsdetails,andfeedyouandslakeyouandsmokeyouwiththebestthatmoneycanbuy.Onatleastoneofthesevastestatesthereisaconsiderabletown,withallthevariousbusinessesandoccupationsthatgotomakeanimportanttown;andthetownandthelanditstandsuponarethepropertyofthesquatters.Ihaveseenthat town,and it isnotunlikely that thereareothersquatter-owned towns inAustralia.Australia supplies theworld not onlywith finewool, butwithmutton also.Themoderninventionofcoldstorageanditsapplicationinshipshascreatedthisgreattrade.InSydneyIvisitedahugeestablishmentwheretheykillandcleanandsolidlyfreezeathousandsheepaday,forshipmenttoEngland.The Australians did not seem to me to differ noticeably from Americans,either in dress, carriage, ways, pronunciation, inflections, or generalappearance.TherewerefleetingandsubtlesuggestionsoftheirEnglishorigin,butthesewerenotpronouncedenough,asarule,tocatchone'sattention.Thepeoplehaveeasyandcordialmannersfromthebeginning—fromthemoment

thattheintroductioniscompleted.ThisisAmerican.Toputitinanotherway,itisEnglishfriendlinesswiththeEnglishshynessandself-consciousnessleftout.Nowandthen—butthisisrare—onehearssuchwordsaspiperforpaper,lydyforlady,andtyblefortablefallfromlipswhenceonewouldnotexpectsuchpronunciations tocome.There isasuperstitionprevalent inSydney that thispronunciationisanAustralianism,butpeoplewhohavebeen"home"—asthenative reverently and lovingly calls England—know better. It is"costermonger."AlloverAustralasia thispronunciation isnearlyascommonamong servants as it is in London among the uneducated and the partiallyeducatedofallsortsandconditionsofpeople.Thatmislaid'y'isratherstrikingwhenapersongetsenoughofitintoashortsentencetoenableittoshowup.InthehotelinSydneythechambermaidsaid,onemorning:"The tyble is set, and here is the piper; and if the lydy is ready I'll tell thewytertobringupthebreakfast."I have made passing mention, a moment ago, of the native Australasian'scustomofspeakingofEnglandas"home."Itwasalwaysprettytohearit,andoftenitwassaidinanunconsciouslycaressingwaythatmadeittouching;inawaywhichtransmutedasentimentintoanembodiment,andmadeoneseemtoseeAustralasiaasayounggirlstrokingmotherEngland'soldgrayhead.In theAustralasianhomethe table-talk isvivaciousandunembarrassed; it iswithoutstiffnessorrestraint.ThisdoesnotremindoneofEnglandsomuchasit does ofAmerica. ButAustralasia is strictly democratic, and reserves andrestraintsarethingsthatarebredbydifferencesofrank.Englishandcolonialaudiencesarephenomenallyalertandresponsive.Wheremasses of people are gathered together inEngland, caste is submerged, andwith it the English reserve; equality exists for the moment, and everyindividual is free; so free fromanyconsciousnessof fetters, indeed, that theEnglishman's habit of watching himself and guarding himself against anyinjudiciousexposureofhisfeelingsisforgotten,andfallsintoabeyance—andtosuchadegreeindeed,thathewillbravelyapplaudallbyhimselfifhewantsto—anexhibitionofdaringwhichisunusualelsewhereintheworld.ButitishardtomoveanewEnglishacquaintancewhenheisbyhimself,orwhenthecompanypresentissmallandnewtohim.Heisonhisguardthen,andhisnaturalreserveistothefore.Thishasgivenhimthefalsereputationofbeingwithouthumorandwithouttheappreciationofhumor.Americans are notEnglishmen, andAmerican humor is notEnglish humor;butboth theAmericanandhishumorhad their origin inEngland, andhavemerely undergone changes brought about by changed conditions and a newenvironment. About the best humorous speeches I have yet heard were a

couple that were made in Australia at club suppers—one of them by anEnglishman,theotherbyanAustralian.

CHAPTERXII.

Therearethosewhoscoffattheschoolboy,callinghimfrivolousandshallow:Yetitwastheschoolboywhosaid"Faithisbelievingwhatyouknowain'tso."—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.In Sydney I had a large dream, and in the course of talk I told it to amissionary from India whowas on his way to visit some relatives in NewZealand.IdreamedthatthevisibleuniverseisthephysicalpersonofGod;thatthevastworlds thatwesee twinklingmillionsofmilesapart in the fieldsofspace are the blood corpuscles in His veins; and that we and the othercreaturesarethemicrobesthatchargewithmultitudinouslifethecorpuscles.Mr.X.,themissionary,consideredthedreamawhile,thensaid:"Itisnotsurpassableformagnitude,sinceitsmetesandboundsarethemetesandboundsof theuniverse itself;and itseemstomethat italmostaccountsforathingwhichisotherwisenearlyunaccountable—theoriginofthesacredlegendsof theHindoos.Perhapstheydreamthem,andthenhonestlybelievethemtobedivinerevelationsoffact.Itlookslikethat,forthelegendsarebuiltonsovastascalethatitdoesnotseemreasonablethatploddingpriestswouldhappenuponsuchcolossalfancieswhenawake."Hetoldsomeofthelegends,andsaidthattheywereimplicitlybelievedbyallclasses ofHindoos, including those of high social position and intelligence;and he said that this universal credulity was a great hindrance to themissionaryinhiswork.Thenhesaidsomethinglikethis:"Athome,peoplewonderwhyChristianitydoesnotmake fasterprogress inIndia.Theyhear that the Indiansbelieveeasily,and that theyhaveanaturaltrust inmiracles andgive themahospitable reception.Then they argue likethis:sincetheIndianbelieveseasily,placeChristianitybeforethemandtheymust believe; confirm its truths by the biblical miracles, and they will nolonger doubt. The natural deduction is, that as Christianity makes butindifferent progress in India, the fault is with us: we are not fortunate inpresentingthedoctrinesandthemiracles."Butthetruthis,wearenotbyanymeanssowellequippedastheythink.Wehavenottheeasytaskthattheyimagine.Touseamilitaryfigure,wearesentagainst theenemywithgoodpowder inourguns,butonlywads forbullets;thatistosay,ourmiraclesarenoteffective;theHindoosdonotcareforthem;

theyhavemoreextraordinaryonesof theirown.All thedetailsof theirownreligion are proven and established bymiracles; the details of oursmust beproven in the same way. When I first began my work in India I greatlyunderestimated the difficulties thus put uponmy task.A correctionwas notlong in coming. I thought as our friends think at home—that to preparemychildlike wonder-lovers to listen with favor to my grave message I onlyneeded to charm the way to it with wonders, marvels, miracles. With fullconfidence I told thewondersperformedbySamson, the strongestman thathadeverlived—forsoIcalledhim."AtfirstIsawlivelyanticipationandstronginterestinthefacesofmypeople,but as I moved along from incident to incident of the great story, I wasdistressed to see that I was steadily losing the sympathy ofmy audience. Icouldnotunderstandit.Itwasasurprisetome,andadisappointment.BeforeIwasthrough,thefadingsympathyhadpaledtoindifference.Thencetotheendtheindifferenceremained;Iwasnotabletomakeanyimpressionuponit."A good oldHindoo gentleman toldmewheremy trouble lay.He said 'WeHindoos recognize a god by the work of his hands—we accept no othertestimony.Apparently,thisisalsotherulewithyouChristians.Andweknowwhenamanhashispowerfromagodbythefactthathedoesthingswhichhecould not do, as aman,with themere powers of aman. Plainly, this is theChristian'swayalso,ofknowingwhenamanisworkingbyagod'spowerandnotbyhisown.YousawthattherewasasupernaturalpropertyinthehairofSamson;foryouperceivedthatwhenhishairwasgonehewasasothermen.Itis our way, as I have said. There are many nations in the world, and eachgroupofnationshasitsowngods,andwillpaynoworshiptothegodsoftheothers. Each group believes its own gods to be strongest, and it will notexchange them except for gods that shall be proven to be their superiors inpower.Manisbutaweakcreature,andneedsthehelpofgods—hecannotdowithoutit.Shallheplacehisfateinthehandsofweakgodswhentheremaybestrongerones tobefound?Thatwouldbefoolish.No, ifhehearofgodsthatarestrongerthanhisown,heshouldnotturnadeafear,foritisnotalightmatter that is at stake. How then shall he determine which gods are thestronger,hisownorthosethatpresideovertheconcernsofothernations?Bycomparingtheknownworksofhisowngodswiththeworksofthoseothers;thereisnootherway.Now,whenwemakethiscomparison,wearenotdrawntowardsthegodsofanyothernation.Ourgodsareshownbytheirworkstobethestrongest,themostpowerful.TheChristianshavebutfewgods,andtheyarenew—new,andnotstrong;asitseemstous.Theywillincreaseinnumber,itistrue,forthishashappenedwithallgods,butthattimeisfaraway,manyagesanddecadesofagesaway,forgodsmultiplyslowly,asismeetforbeingstowhoma thousandyears isbutasinglemoment.Ourowngodshavebeenbornmillionsofyearsapart.Theprocessisslow,thegatheringofstrengthand

powerissimilarlyslow.Intheslowlapseoftheagesthesteadilyaccumulatingpowerofourgodshasatlastbecomeprodigious.Wehaveathousandproofsofthisinthecolossalcharacteroftheirpersonalactsandtheactsofordinarymen to whom they have given supernatural qualities. To your Samson wasgiven supernatural power, and when he broke the withes, and slew thethousandswiththejawboneofanass,andcarriedawaythegate'softhecityuponhisshoulders,youwereamazed—andalsoawed,foryourecognizedthedivine source of his strength. But it could not profit to place these thingsbefore your Hindoo congregation and invite their wonder; for they wouldcomparethemwiththedeeddonebyHanuman,whenourgodsinfusedtheirdivine strength into hismuscles; and theywould be indifferent to them—asyousaw.Intheold,oldtimes,agesandagesgoneby,whenourgodRamawaswarringwiththedemongodofCeylon,RamabethoughthimtobridgetheseaandconnectCeylonwithIndia,sothathisarmiesmightpasseasilyover;andhe sent his general, Hanuman, inspired like your own Samson with divinestrength, to bring thematerials for the bridge. In two daysHanuman strodefifteenhundredmiles,totheHimalayas,andtookuponhisshoulderarangeofthose lofty mountains two hundred miles long, and started with it towardCeylon. Itwas in thenight; and,ashepassedalong theplain, thepeopleofGovardhunheardthethunderofhis treadandfelt theearthrockingunder it,and they ranout, and there,with their snowysummitspiled toheaven, theysaw the Himalayas passing by. And as this huge continent swept alongovershadowingtheearth,uponitsslopestheydiscernedthetwinklinglightsofathousandsleepingvillages,anditwasasiftheconstellationswerefilinginprocessionthroughthesky.While they were looking, Hanuman stumbled, and a small ridge of redsandstone twentymiles longwas jolted looseandfell.Halfof its lengthhaswastedawayinthecourseoftheages,buttheothertenmilesofitremainintheplainbyGovardhuntothisdayasproofofthemightoftheinspirationofour gods. You must know, yourself, that Hanuman could not have carriedthosemountainstoCeylonexceptbythestrengthofthegods.Youknowthatitwasnotdonebyhisownstrength,therefore,youknowthatitwasdonebythestrengthof thegods, just as youknow thatSamson carried thegates by thedivinestrengthandnotbyhisown.Ithinkyoumustconcedetwothings:First,That in carrying the gates of the city upon his shoulders, Samson did notestablish the superiorityofhisgodsoverours; secondly,Thathis feat isnotsupportedbyanybutverbalevidence,whileHanuman'sisnotonlysupportedby verbal evidence, but this evidence is confirmed, established, proven, byvisible,tangibleevidence,whichisthestrongestofalltestimony.Wehavethesandstone ridge, andwhile it remainswe cannot doubt, and shall not.Haveyouthegates?'"

CHAPTERXIII.

Thetimidmanyearnsforfullvalueandasksatenth.Theboldmanstrikesfordoublevalueandcompromisesonpar.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.OneissuretobestruckbytheliberalwayinwhichAustralasiaspendsmoneyupon public works—such as legislative buildings, town halls, hospitals,asylums,parks,andbotanicalgardens.IshouldsaythatwhereminortownsinAmerica spend a hundred dollars on the town hall and on public parks andgardens,theliketownsinAustralasiaspendathousand.AndIthinkthatthisratiowillholdgoodinthematterofhospitals,also.Ihaveseenacostlyandwell-equipped,andarchitecturallyhandsomehospitalinanAustralianvillageof fifteenhundred inhabitants. Itwasbuiltbyprivate funds furnishedby thevillagers and theneighboringplanters, and its runningexpensesweredrawnfrom the same sources. I suppose it would be hard to match this in anycountry.Thisvillagewasabouttocloseacontractforlightingitsstreetswiththeelectric light,whenIwasthere.That isaheadofLondon.Londonisstillobscuredbygas—gasprettywidelyscattered,too,insomeofthedistricts;sowidely indeed, that except onmoonlight nights it is difficult to find the gaslamps.ThebotanicalgardenofSydneycoversthirty-eightacres,beautifullylaidoutand richwith the spoil of all the lands and all the climesof theworld.Thegarden is on high ground in the middle of the town, overlooking the greatharbor, and it adjoins the spacious grounds ofGovernmentHouse—fifty-sixacres;andathandalso,isarecreationgroundcontainingeighty-twoacres.Inaddition, there are the zoological gardens, the race-course, and the greatcricket-groundswheretheinternationalmatchesareplayed.Thereforethereisplentyof room for reposeful lazying and lounging, and for exercise too, forsuchaslikethatkindofwork.Therearefourspecialtiesattainableinthewayofsocialpleasure.Ifyouenteryour name on theVisitor's Book atGovernmentHouse youwill receive aninvitation to the next ball that takes place there, if nothing can be provenagainstyou.And itwillbeverypleasant; foryouwillseeeverybodyexcepttheGovernor,andaddanumberofacquaintancesandseveralfriendstoyourlist.TheGovernorwillbeinEngland.Healwaysis.Thecontinenthasfourorfivegovernors,andIdonotknowhowmanyit takes togovern theoutlyingarchipelago;butanywayyouwillnotseethem.WhentheyareappointedtheycomeoutfromEnglandandgetinaugurated,andgiveaball,andhelpprayforrain,andgetaboardshipandgobackhome.AndsotheLieutenant-Governorhastodoallthework.IwasinAustralasiathreemonthsandahalf,andsaw

onlyoneGovernor.Theotherswereathome.TheAustralasianGovernorwouldnotbesorestless,perhaps,ifhehadawar,oraveto,orsomethinglikethattocallforhisreserve-energies,buthehasn't.Thereisn'tanywar,andthereisn'tanyvetoinhishands.Andsothereisreallylittleornothingdoinginhisline.Thecountrygovernsitself,andpreferstodoit;andissostrenuousaboutitandsojealousofitsindependencethatitgrowsrestiveifeventheImperialGovernmentathomeproposestohelp;andsotheImperialveto,whileafact,isyetmainlyaname.Thus theGovernor's functions aremuchmore limited than are aGovernor'sfunctionswithus.Andthereforemorefatiguing.HeistheapparentheadoftheState, he is the real head of Society. He represents culture, refinement,elevated sentiment, polite life, religion; and by his example he propagatesthese,andtheyspreadandflourishandbeargoodfruit.Hecreatesthefashion,andleadsit.Hisballistheballofballs,andhiscountenancemakesthehorse-racethrive.Heisusuallyalord,andthisiswell;forhispositioncompelshimtoleadanexpensivelife,andanEnglishlordisgenerallywellequippedforthat.Another of Sydney's social pleasures is the visit to the Admiralty House;whichisnoblysituatedonhighgroundoverlookingthewater.Thetrimboatsoftheserviceconveythegueststhither;andthere,oronboardtheflag-ship,they have the duplicate of the hospitalities of Government House. TheAdmiral commanding a station in British waters is a magnate of the firstdegree,andheissumptuouslyhoused,asbecomesthedignityofhisoffice.Third in the listofspecialpleasures is the tourof theharbor inafinesteampleasure-launch. Your richer friends own boats of this kind, and they willinviteyou,andthejoysofthetripwillmakealongdayseemshort.And finally comes the shark-fishing. Sydney Harbor is populous with thefinestbreedsofman-eatingsharksintheworld.Somepeoplemaketheirlivingcatchingthem;fortheGovernmentpaysacashbountyonthem.Thelargerthesharkthelargerthebounty,andsomeofthesharksaretwentyfeetlong.Younot only get the bounty, but everything that is in the shark belongs to you.Sometimesthecontentsarequitevaluable.The shark is the swiftest fish that swims. The speed of the fastest steamerafloatispoorcomparedtohis.Andheisagreatgad-about,androamsfarandwide in the oceans, and visits the shores of all of them, ultimately, in thecourseofhisrestlessexcursions.Ihaveataletotellnow,whichhasnotasyetbeen in print. In 1870 a young stranger arrived in Sydney, and set aboutfinding something to do; but he knew no one, and brought norecommendations, and the result was that he got no employment. He hadaimedhigh,atfirst,butastimeandhismoneywastedawayhegrewlessand

lessexacting,untilatlasthewaswillingtoserveinthehumblestcapacitiesifsohemightgetbreadandshelter.Butluckwasstillagainsthim;hecouldfindnoopeningofanysort.Finallyhismoneywasallgone.Hewalkedthestreetsall day, thinking; hewalked them all night, thinking, thinking, and growinghungrierandhungrier.Atdawnhefoundhimselfwellawayfromthetownanddrifting aimlessly along the harbor shore. As he was passing by a noddingshark-fisherthemanlookedupandsaid——"Say,youngfellow,takemylineaspell,andchangemyluckforme.""HowdoyouknowIwon'tmakeitworse?""Becauseyoucan't.Ithasbeenatitsworstallnight.Ifyoucan'tchangeit,noharm'sdone;ifyoudochangeit,it'sforthebetter,ofcourse.Come.""Allright,whatwillyougive?""I'llgiveyoutheshark,ifyoucatchone.""AndIwilleatit,bonesandall.Givemetheline.""Hereyouare. Iwillgetaway,now, forawhile, so thatmy luckwon't spoilyours;formanyandmanyatimeI'venoticedthatif——there,pullin,pullin,man,you'vegotabite!Iknewhowitwouldbe.Why,IknewyouforabornsonoflucktheminuteIsawyou.Allright—he'slanded."Itwasanunusuallylargeshark—"afullnineteen-footer," thefishermansaid,ashelaidthecreatureopenwithhisknife."Nowyou robhim,youngman,while I step tomyhamper for a freshbait.There's generally something in them worth going for. You've changed myluck,yousee.Butmygoodness,Ihopeyouhaven'tchangedyourown.""Oh,itwouldn'tmatter;don'tworryaboutthat.Getyourbait.I'llrobhim."When the fisherman got back the youngman had just finishedwashing hishandsinthebay,andwasstartingaway."What,youarenotgoing?""Yes.Good-bye.""Butwhataboutyourshark?""Theshark?Why,whatuseishetome?""Whatuseishe?Ilikethat.Don'tyouknowthatwecangoandreporthimtoGovernment,andyou'llgetacleansolideightyshillingsbounty?Hardcash,youknow.Whatdoyouthinkaboutitnow?""Oh,well,youcancollectit.""Andkeepit?Isthatwhatyoumean?""Yes."

"Well, this isodd.You'reoneof thosesort theycalleccentrics, I judge.Thesaying is,youmustn't judgeamanbyhis clothes, and I'mbelieving itnow.Whyyoursarelookingjustratty,don'tyouknow;andyetyoumustberich.""Iam."Theyoungmanwalkedslowlyback to the town,deeplymusingashewent.Hehaltedamomentinfrontofthebestrestaurant,thenglancedathisclothesandpassedon,andgothisbreakfastata"stand-up."Therewasagooddealofit,anditcostfiveshillings.Hetenderedasovereign,gothischange,glancedathissilver,mutteredtohimself,"Thereisn'tenoughtobuyclotheswith,"andwenthisway.Athalf-pastninetherichestwool-brokerinSydneywassittinginhismorning-roomathome,settlinghisbreakfastwiththemorningpaper.Aservantputhisheadinandsaid:"There'sasundowneratthedoorwantstoseeyou,sir.""What do you bring that kind of a message here for? Send him about hisbusiness.""Hewon'tgo,sir.I'vetried.""Hewon'tgo?That's—why,that'sunusual.He'soneoftwothings,then:he'saremarkableperson,orhe'scrazy.Ishecrazy?""No,sir.Hedon'tlookit.""Thenhe'sremarkable.Whatdoeshesayhewants?""Hewon'ttell,sir;onlysaysit'sveryimportant.""Andwon'tgo.Doeshesayhewon'tgo?""Sayshe'llstandtheretillheseesyou,sir,ifit'sallday.""Andyetisn'tcrazy.Showhimup."Thesundownerwasshownin.Thebrokersaidtohimself,"No,he'snotcrazy;thatiseasytosee;sohemustbetheotherthing."Thenaloud,"Well,mygoodfellow,bequickaboutit;don'twasteanywords;whatisityouwant?""Iwanttoborrowahundredthousandpounds.""Scott!(It'samistake;heiscrazy....No—hecan'tbe—notwiththateye.)Why,youtakemybreathaway.Come,whoareyou?""Nobodythatyouknow.""Whatisyourname?""CecilRhodes."

"No,Idon'trememberhearingthenamebefore.Nowthen—justforcuriosity'ssake—whathassentyoutomeonthisextraordinaryerrand?""The intention tomakeahundred thousandpoundsforyouandasmuchformyselfwithinthenextsixtydays.""Well, well, well. It is the most extraordinary idea that—sit down—youinterestme.And somehowyou—well, you fascinateme; I think that that isabout theword.And it isn'tyourproposition—no, thatdoesn't fascinateme;it'ssomethingelse,Idon'tquiteknowwhat;somethingthat'sborninyouandoozesoutofyou,Isuppose.Nowthenjustforcuriosity'ssakeagain,nothingmore:asIunderstandit,itisyourdesiretobor——""Isaidintention.""Pardon, so you did. I thought it was an unheedful use of the word—anunheedfulvaluingofitsstrength,youknow.""Iknewitsstrength.""Well, Imust say—but lookhere, letmewalk the floor a little,mymind isgettingintoasortofwhirl,thoughyoudon'tseemdisturbedany.(Plainlythisyoung fellow isn't crazy; but as to his being remarkable—well, really heamounts to that, and somethingover.)Now then, I believe I ambeyond thereachoffurtherastonishment.Strike,andsparenot.Whatisyourscheme?""Tobuythewoolcrop—deliverableinsixtydays.""What,thewholeofit?""Thewholeofit.""No,Iwasnotquiteoutofthereachofsurprises,afterall.Why,howyoutalk!Doyouknowwhatourcropisgoingtofootup?""Twoandahalfmillionsterling—maybealittlemore.""Well,you'vegotyourstatisticsright,anyway.Now,then,doyouknowwhatthemarginswouldfootup,tobuyitatsixtydays?""ThehundredthousandpoundsIcameheretoget.""Right,oncemore.Well,dearme,justtoseewhatwouldhappen,Iwishyouhadthemoney.Andifyouhadit,whatwouldyoudowithit?""Ishallmaketwohundredthousandpoundsoutofitinsixtydays.""Youmean,ofcourse,thatyoumightmakeitif——""Isaid'shall'.""Yes,byGeorge,youdidsay'shall'!YouarethemostdefinitedevilIeversaw,inthematteroflanguage.Dear,dear,dear,lookhere!Definitespeechmeansclarityofmind.UponmywordIbelieveyou'vegotwhatyoubelievetobea

rational reason, forventuring into thishouse,anentirestranger,on thiswildschemeofbuying thewoolcropofanentirecolonyonspeculation.Bring itout—Iamprepared—acclimatized,ifImayusetheword.Whywouldyoubuythe crop, andwhywouldyoumake that sumout of it?That is to say,whatmakesyouthinkyou——""Idon'tthink—Iknow.""Definiteagain.Howdoyouknow?""Because France has declaredwar against Germany, andwool has gone upfourteenpercent.inLondonandisstillrising.""Oh,in-deed?Nowthen,I'vegotyou!Suchathunderboltasyouhavejustletflyoughttohavemademejumpoutofmychair,butitdidn'tstirmetheleastlittlebit,yousee.Andforaverysimplereason:Ihavereadthemorningpaper.You can look at it if youwant to. The fastest ship in the service arrived ateleveno'clocklastnight,fiftydaysoutfromLondon.Allhernewsisprintedhere.Therearenowar-cloudsanywhere;andasforwool,why,itisthelow-spiritedestcommodityintheEnglishmarket.Itisyourturntojump,now....Well,why,don'tyoujump?Whydoyousitthereinthatplacidfashion,when——""BecauseIhavelaternews.""Later news? Oh, come—later news than fifty days, brought steaming hotfromLondonbythe——""Mynewsisonlytendaysold.""Oh,Mun-chausen,hearthemaniactalk!Wheredidyougetit?""Gotitoutofashark.""Oh,oh,oh,thisistoomuch!Front!call thepolicebringthegun—raisethetown!AlltheasylumsinChristendomhavebrokenlooseinthesinglepersonof——""Sit down!And collect yourself.Where is the use in getting excited?Am Iexcited?Thereisnothingtogetexcitedabout.WhenImakeastatementwhichIcannotprove,itwillbetimeenoughforyoutobegintoofferhospitalitytodamagingfanciesaboutmeandmysanity.""Oh,athousand,thousandpardons!Ioughttobeashamedofmyself,andIamashamedofmyselfforthinkingthatalittlebitofacircumstancelikesendingasharktoEnglandtofetchbackamarketreport——""Whatdoesyourmiddleinitialstandfor,sir?""Andrew.Whatareyouwriting?""Waitamoment.Proofabout theshark—andanothermatter.Only ten lines.

There—nowitisdone.Signit.""Many thanks—many. Let me see; it says—it says oh, come, this isinteresting!Why—why—lookhere!provewhatyousayhere,andI'llputupthemoney, and double asmuch, if necessary, and divide thewinningswithyou,halfandhalf.There,now—I'vesigned;makeyourpromisegoodifyoucan.ShowmeacopyoftheLondonTimesonlytendaysold.""Hereitis—andwithitthesebuttonsandamemorandumbookthatbelongedto the man the shark swallowed. Swallowed him in the Thames, without adoubt;foryouwillnoticethatthelastentryinthebookisdated'London,'andis of the same date as the Times, and says, 'Ber confequentz derKreigeseflarun,reifeichheutenachDeutchlandab,aurbakichmeinlebenaufdemUltarmeinesLandeslegenmag'——,ascleannativeGermanasanybodycanputuponpaper,andmeansthatinconsequenceofthedeclarationofwar,thisloyalsoulisleavingforhometo-day,tofight.Andhedidleave,too,butthesharkhadhimbeforethedaywasdone,poorfellow.""Andapity,too.Buttherearetimesformourning,andwewillattendtothiscase further on; othermatters are pressing, now. Iwill godownand set themachinery in motion in a quiet way and buy the crop. It will cheer thedroopingspiritsoftheboys,inatransitoryway.Everythingistransitoryinthisworld.Sixtydayshence,whentheyarecalledtodeliverthegoods,theywillthinkthey'vebeenstruckbylightning.Butthereisatimeformourning,andwewillattendtothatcasealongwiththeotherone.Comealong,I'lltakeyoutomytailor.Whatdidyousayyournameis?""CecilRhodes.""Itishardtoremember.However,Ithinkyouwillmakeiteasierbyandby,ifyou live.There are threekindsof people—CommonplaceMen,RemarkableMen, and Lunatics. I'll classify you with the Remarkables, and take thechances."Thedealwentthrough,andsecuredtotheyoungstrangerthefirstfortuneheeverpocketed.ThepeopleofSydneyought tobe afraidof the sharks,but for some reasontheydonotseemtobe.OnSaturdaystheyoungmengooutintheirboats,andsometimesthewaterisfairlycoveredwiththelittlesails.Aboatupsetsnowandthen,byaccident,aresultoftumultuousskylarking;sometimestheboysupset theirboat for fun—suchas it iswithsharksvisiblywaitingaroundforjust such an occurrence. The young fellows scramble aboard whole—sometimes—not always. Tragedies have happenedmore than once.While IwasinSydneyitwasreportedthataboyfelloutofaboatinthemouthoftheParamatta river and screamed for help and a boy jumped overboard fromanother boat to save him from the assembling sharks; but the sharks made

swiftworkwiththelivesofboth.Thegovernmentpaysabountyfortheshark;togetthebountythefishermenbait the hook or the seinewith agreeablemutton; the news spreads and thesharkscomefromalloverthePacificOceantogetthefreeboard.Intimethesharkculturewillbeoneofthemostsuccessfulthingsinthecolony.

CHAPTERXIV.

Wecan secure other people's approval, ifwe do right and try hard; but ourownisworthahundredofit,andnowayhasbeenfoundoutofsecuringthat.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.My health had broken down in New York in May; it had remained in adoubtfulbutfairishconditionduringasucceedingperiodof82days;itbrokeagainonthePacific.ItbrokeagaininSydney,butnotuntilafterIhadhadagoodouting,andhadalsofilledmylectureengagements.ThislatestbreaklostmethechanceofseeingQueensland.Inthecircumstances,togonorthtowardhotterweatherwasnotadvisable.Sowemovedsouthwithawestwardslant,17hoursbyrailtothecapitalofthecolony ofVictoria,Melbourne—that juvenile city of sixty years, and half amillioninhabitants.Onthemapthedistancelookedsmall;butthatisatroublewithalldivisionsofdistanceinsuchavastcountryasAustralia.ThecolonyofVictoriaitselflookssmallonthemap—lookslikeacounty,infact—yetit isaboutaslargeasEngland,Scotland,andWalescombined.Or, togetanotherfocusuponit,itisjust80timesaslargeasthestateofRhodeIsland,andone-thirdaslargeastheStateofTexas.OutsideofMelbourne,Victoriaseemstobeownedbyahandfulofsquatters,eachwithaRhodeIslandforasheepfarm.Thatistheimpressionwhichonegathersfromcommontalk,yetthewoolindustryofVictoriaisbynomeanssogreatasthatofNewSouthWales.TheclimateofVictoriaisfavorabletoothergreatindustries—amongothers,wheat-growingandthemakingofwine.WetookthetrainatSydneyataboutfourintheafternoon.ItwasAmericaninoneway,forwehadamostrationalsleepingcar;alsothecarwascleanandfineandnew—nothingaboutittosuggesttherollingstockofthecontinentofEurope.Butourbaggagewasweighed,andextraweightchargedfor.Thatwascontinental.Continentalandtroublesome.Anydetailofrailroadingthatisnottroublesomecannothonorablybedescribedascontinental.The tickets were round-trip ones—to Melbourne, and clear to Adelaide inSouthAustralia,and thenall thewayback toSydney.Twelvehundredmore

milesthanwereallyexpectedtomake;butthenastheroundtripwouldn'tcostmuchmorethanthesingletrip,itseemedwellenoughtobuyasmanymilesasonecouldafford,evenifonewasnotlikelytoneedthem.Ahumanbeinghasanaturaldesiretohavemoreofagoodthingthanheneeds.Now comes a singular thing: the oddest thing, the strangest thing, themostbafflingandunaccountablemarvel thatAustralasiacanshow.At the frontierbetween New South Wales and Victoria our multitude of passengers wereroutedoutoftheirsnugbedsbylantern-lightinthemorninginthebiting-coldofahighaltitudetochangecarsonaroadthathasnobreakinitfromSydneyto Melbourne! Think of the paralysis of intellect that gave that idea birth;imaginetheboulderitemergedfromonsomepetrifiedlegislator'sshoulders.It is a narrow-gage road to the frontier, and a broader gauge thence toMelbourne.The two governmentswere the builders of the road and are theownersofit.Oneortworeasonsaregivenforthiscuriousstateofthings.Oneis,thatitrepresentsthejealousyexistingbetweenthecolonies—thetwomostimportantcoloniesofAustralasia.Whattheotheroneis,Ihaveforgotten.Butit is of no consequence. It could be but another effort to explain theinexplicable.Allpassengersfretatthedouble-gauge;allshippersoffreightmustofcoursefret at it; unnecessary expense, delay, and annoyance are imposed uponeverybodyconcerned,andnooneisbenefitted.Each Australian colony fences itself off from its neighbor with a custom-house. Personally, I have no objection, but it must be a good deal ofinconveniencetothepeople.WehavesomethingresemblingithereandthereinAmerica,butitgoesbyanothername.ThelargeempireofthePacificcoastrequiresaworldofironmachinery,andcouldmanufactureiteconomicallyonthe spot if the imposts on foreign iron were removed. But they are not.Protection toPennsylvania andAlabama forbids it.The result to thePacificcoastisthesameasiftherewereseveralrowsofcustom-fencesbetweenthecoast and the East. Iron carted across the American continent at luxuriousrailwayrateswouldbevaluableenoughtobecoinedwhenitarrived.We changed cars. This was at Albury. And it was there, I think, that thegrowing day and the early sun exposed the distant range called the BlueMountains.Accuratelynamed."Myword!"astheAustralianssay,butitwasastunningcolor,thatblue.Deep,strong,rich,exquisite;toweringandmajesticmassesofblue—asoftlyluminousblue,asmoulderingblue,asifvaguelylitby fires within. It extinguished the blue of the sky—made it pallid andunwholesome,whiteyandwashed-out.Awonderfulcolor—justdivine.A resident toldme that thosewerenotmountains; he said theywere rabbit-piles. And explained that long exposure and the over-ripe condition of the

rabbitswaswhatmadethemlooksoblue.Thismanmayhavebeenright,butmuchreadingofbooksoftravelhasmademedistrustfulofgratisinformationfurnished by unofficial residents of a country. The facts which such peoplegivetotravelersareusuallyerroneous,andoftenintemperatelyso.Therabbit-plague has indeed been very bad inAustralia, and it could account for onemountain,butnotforamountainrange,itseemstome.Itistoolargeanorder.Webreakfastedatthestation.Agoodbreakfast,exceptthecoffee;andcheap.TheGovernment establishes theprices andplacards them.Thewaitersweremen, I think;but that is notusual inAustralasia.Theusual thing is tohavegirls. No, not girls, young ladies—generally duchesses. Dress? TheywouldattractattentionatanyroyalleveeinEurope.Evenempressesandqueensdonotdressastheydo.Notthattheycouldnotaffordit,perhaps,buttheywouldnotknowhow.Allthepleasantmorningweslidsmoothlyalongovertheplains,throughthin—notthick—forestsofgreatmelancholygumtrees,withtrunksruggedwithcurledsheetsofflakingbark—erysipelasconvalescents,sotospeak,sheddingtheir dead skins. And all alongwere tiny cabins, built sometimes of wood,sometimes of gray-blue corrugated iron; and the doorsteps and fenceswerecloggedwithchildren—ruggedlittlesimply-cladchapsthatlookedasif theyhadbeenimportedfromthebanksoftheMississippiwithoutbreakingbulk.And therewere little villages,with neat stationswell placardedwith showyadvertisements—mainlyofalmost tooself-righteousbrandsof"sheepdip."Ifthat is thename—and I think it is. It is a stuff like tar, and isdabbedon toplaceswheretheshearerclipsapieceoutofthesheep.Itbarsouttheflies,andhas healing properties, and a nip to it whichmakes the sheep skip like thecattleona thousandhills. It isnotgood toeat.That is, it isnotgood toeatexceptwhenmixedwithrailroadcoffee.Itimprovesrailroadcoffee.Withoutitrailroadcoffeeistoovague.Butwithit,itisquiteassertiveandenthusiastic.By itself, railroadcoffee is toopassive;butsheep-dipmakes itwakeupandgetdowntobusiness.Iwonderwheretheygetrailroadcoffee?Wesawbirds,butnotakangaroo,notanemu,notanornithorhynchus,notalecturer,notanative. Indeed, the landseemedquitedestituteofgame.But Ihave misused the word native. In Australia it is applied to Australian-bornwhites only. I should have said that we saw no Aboriginals—no"blackfellows."AndtothisdayIhaveneverseenone.Inthegreatmuseumsyouwillfindalltheothercuriosities,butinthecurioofchiefestinteresttothestrangerallofthemarelacking.Wehaveathomeanabundanceofmuseums,and not anAmerican Indian in them. It is clearly an absurdity, but it neverstruckmebefore.

CHAPTERXV.

Truthisstranger thanfiction—tosomepeople,butIammeasurablyfamiliarwithit.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is becauseFiction is obliged to stick topossibilities;Truthisn't.Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.The air was balmy and delicious, the sunshine radiant; it was a charmingexcursion.Inthecourseofitwecametoatownwhoseoddnamewasfamousall over the world a quarter of a century ago—Wagga-Wagga. This wasbecausetheTichborneClaimanthadkeptabutcher-shopthere.Itwasoutofthemidstofhishumblecollectionofsausagesandtripethathesoaredupintothezenithofnotorietyandhungthereinthewastesofspaceatime,withthetelescopesofallnationsleveledathiminunappeasablecuriosity—curiosityastowhichof the two long-missingpersonshewas:ArthurOrton, themislaidroustaboutofWapping,orSirRogerTichborne, the lost heir of anameandestates as old as English history.We all know now, but not a dozen peopleknew then; and the dozen kept the mystery to themselves and allowed themost intricate and fascinating andmarvelous real-life romance that has everbeenplayedupon theworld's stage tounfold itself serenely, actbyact, in aBritishcourtbythelongandlaboriousprocessesofjudicialdevelopment.Whenwerecallthedetailsofthatgreatromancewemarveltoseewhatdaringchancestruthmayfreelytakeinconstructingatale,ascomparedwiththepoorlittleconservativeriskspermittedtofiction.Thefiction-artistcouldachievenosuccesswiththematerialsofthissplendidTichborneromance.Hewould have to drop out the chief characters; the publicwould say suchpeople are impossible. He would have to drop out a number of the mostpicturesque incidents; thepublicwould say such thingscouldneverhappen.Andyetthechiefcharactersdidexist,andtheincidentsdidhappen.ItcosttheTichborneestates$400,000tounmasktheClaimantanddrivehimout; and even after the exposuremultitudes of Englishmen still believed inhim. It cost the British Government another $400,000 to convict him ofperjury;andaftertheconvictionthesameoldmultitudesstillbelievedinhim;andamongthesebelieversweremanyeducatedandintelligentmen;andsomeofthemhadpersonallyknowntherealSirRoger.TheClaimantwassentencedto14years' imprisonment.Whenhegotoutofprisonhewent toNewYorkand kept awhisky saloon in the Bowery for a time, then disappeared fromview.

HealwaysclaimedtobeSirRogerTichborneuntildeathcalledforhim.Thiswasbutafewmonthsago—notverymuchshortofagenerationsinceheleftWagga-Wagga togoandpossesshimselfofhisestates.Onhisdeath-bedheyieldeduphissecret,andconfessedinwritingthathewasonlyArthurOrtonof Wapping, able seaman and butcher—that and nothing more. But it isscarcelytobedoubtedthattherearepeoplewhomevenhisdyingconfessionwillnotconvince.Theoldhabitofassimilatingincredibilitiesmusthavemadestrongfoodanecessityintheircase;aweakerarticlewouldprobablydisagreewiththem.IwasinLondonwhentheClaimantstoodhistrialforperjury.Iattendedoneofhis showyevenings in the sumptuousquartersprovided forhim from thepurses of his adherents and well-wishers. He was in evening dress, and Ithoughthima rather fineand statelycreature.Therewereabout twenty-fivegentlemenpresent;educatedmen,menmovingingoodsociety,noneofthemcommonplace; some of them were men of distinction, none of them wereobscurities. Theywere his cordial friends and admirers. Itwas "SirRoger,"always"SirRoger,"onallhands;noonewithheldthetitle,allturneditfromthetonguewithunction,andasifittastedgood.FormanyyearsIhadhadamysteryinstock.Melbourne,andonlyMelbourne,couldunriddleitforme.In1873IarrivedinLondonwithmywifeandyoungchild,andpresentlyreceivedanotefromNaplessignedbyanamenotfamiliarto me. It was not Bascom, and it was not Henry; but I will call it HenryBascomforconvenience'ssake.Thisnote,ofaboutsixlines,waswrittenonastripofwhitepaperwhoseend-edgeswereragged.Icametobefamiliarwiththosestripsinlateryears.Theirsizeandpatternwerealwaysthesame.Theircontents were usually to the same effect: would I and mine come to thewriter'scountry-placeinEnglandonsuchandsuchadate,bysuchandsuchatrain,andstaytwelvedaysanddepartbysuchandsuchatrainat theendofthespecifiedtime?Acarriagewouldmeetusatthestation.These invitationswere always for a long time ahead; ifwewere inEurope,threemonthsahead;ifwewereinAmerica,sixtotwelvemonthsahead.Theyalwaysnamedtheexactdateandtrainforthebeginningandalsofortheendofthevisit.Thisfirstnoteinvitedusforadatethreemonthsinthefuture.Itaskedustoarrivebythe4.10p.m.trainfromLondon,August6th.Thecarriagewouldbewaiting.Thecarriagewouldtakeusawaysevendayslater-trainspecified.Andtherewerethesewords:"SpeaktoTomHughes."I showed the note to the author of "Tom Brown at Rugby," and he said:"Accept,andbethankful."HedescribedMr.Bascomasbeingamanofgenius,amanoffineattainments,

achoicemanineveryway,arareandbeautifulcharacter.HesaidthatBascomHall was a particularly fine example of the stately manorial mansion ofElizabeth'sdays,andthatitwasahouseworthgoingalongwaytosee—likeKnowle; that Mr. B. was of a social disposition; liked the company ofagreeablepeople,andalwayshadsamplesofthesortcomingandgoing.Wepaid thevisit.Wepaidothers, in lateryears—the lastone in1879.SoonafterthatMr.Bascomstartedonavoyagearoundtheworldinasteamyacht—alongandleisurelytrip,forhewasmakingcollections,inalllands,ofbirds,butterflies,andsuchthings.ThedaythatPresidentGarfieldwasshotbytheassassinGuiteau,wewereatalittlewateringplaceonLongIslandSound;andinthemailmatterofthatdaycamea letterwith theMelbournepost-markon it. Itwas formywife,but IrecognizedMr.Bascom'shandwritingontheenvelope,andopenedit. Itwastheusualnote—astopaucityoflines—andwaswrittenonthecustomarystripofpaper;but therewasnothingusualabout thecontents.Thenote informedmywife that if it would be any assuagement of her grief to know that herhusband's lecture-tour in Australia was a satisfactory venture from thebeginningtotheend,he,thewriter,couldtestifythatsuchwasthecase;also,that her husband's untimely death had been mourned by all classes, as shewouldalreadyknowbythepresstelegrams,longbeforethereceptionofthisnote; that the funeral was attended by the officials of the colonial and citygovernments; and that while he, the writer, her friend and mine, had notreached Melbourne in time to see the body, he had at least had the sadprivilegeofactingasoneofthepall-bearers.Signed,"HenryBascom."Myfirst thoughtwas,whydidn'thehavethecoffinopened?Hewouldhaveseenthatthecorpsewasanimposter,andhecouldhavegonerightaheadanddriedupthemostofthosetears,andcomfortedthosesorrowinggovernments,andsoldtheremainsandsentmethemoney.Ididnothingaboutthematter.Ihadsetthelawafterlivinglecturedoublesofmine a couple of times inAmerica, and the lawhad not been able to catchthem; others inmy trade had tried to catch their impostor-doubles and hadfailed.Thenwherewas theuse inharryingaghost?None—andsoIdidnotdisturb it. I had a curiosity to know about that man's lecture-tour and lastmoments,but thatcouldwait.When I shouldseeMr.Bascomhewould tellme all about it. But he passed from life, and I never saw him again.. Mycuriosityfadedaway.However,whenIfoundthatIwasgoingtoAustraliaitrevived.Andnaturally:forif thepeopleshouldsaythatIwasadull,poorthingcomparedtowhatIwasbeforeIdied,itwouldhaveabadeffectonbusiness.Well,tomysurprisetheSydney journalistshadneverheardof that impostor! Ipressed them,buttheywerefirm—theyhadneverheardofhim,anddidn'tbelieveinhim.

Icouldnotunderstandit;still,IthoughtitwouldallcomerightinMelbourne.Thegovernmentwould remember;and theothermourners.At the supperofthe Institute of Journalists I should findout all about thematter.But no—itturnedoutthattheyhadneverheardofit.Somymysterywasamysterystill.Itwasagreatdisappointment.Ibelieveditwouldneverbeclearedup—inthislife—soIdroppeditoutofmymind.Butatlast!justwhenIwasleastexpectingit——However, this is not the place for the rest of it; I shall come to thematteragain,inafar-distantchapter.

CHAPTERXVI.

ThereisaMoralsense,andthereisanImmoralSense.HistoryshowsusthattheMoralSenseenablesustoperceivemoralityandhowtoavoidit,andthattheImmoralSenseenablesustoperceiveimmoralityandhowtoenjoyit.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.Melbournespreadsaroundoveranimmenseareaofground.Itisastatelycityarchitecturallyaswellasinmagnitude.Ithasanelaboratesystemofcable-carservice; it hasmuseums, and colleges, and schools, andpublic gardens, andelectricity,andgas,andlibraries,and theaters,andminingcenters,andwoolcenters, andcentersof thearts and sciences, andboardsof trade, and ships,andrailroads,andaharbor,andsocialclubs,andjournalisticclubs,andracingclubs, and a squatter club sumptuously housed and appointed, and asmanychurches and banks as can make a living. In a word, it is equipped witheverything that goes tomake themodern great city. It is the largest city ofAustralasia,andfillsthepostwithhonorandcredit.Ithasonespecialty;thismustnotbejumbledinwiththoseotherthings.ItisthemitredMetropolitanoftheHorse-Racing Cult. Its race-ground is theMecca ofAustralasia. On thegreat annual day of sacrifice—the 5th of November, Guy Fawkes's Day—businessissuspendedoverastretchoflandandseaaswideasfromNewYorkto San Francisco, and deeper than from the northern lakes to the Gulf ofMexico;andeverymanandwoman,ofhighdegreeorlow,whocanaffordtheexpense, put away their other duties and come. They begin to swarm in byshipandrailafortnightbeforetheday,andtheyswarmthickerandthickerdayafterday,untilallthevehiclesoftransportationaretaxedtotheiruttermosttomeet the demands of the occasion, and all hotels and lodgings are bulgingoutwardbecauseofthepressurefromwithin.Theycomeahundredthousandstrong,asallthebestauthoritiessay,andtheypackthespaciousgroundsandgrandstandsandmakea spectacle suchas isnever tobe seen inAustralasia

elsewhere.It is the "Melbourne Cup" that brings thismultitude together. Their clotheshave been ordered long ago, at unlimited cost, and without bounds as tobeauty andmagnificence, andhavebeenkept in concealment until now, foruntothisdayaretheyconsecrate.Iamspeakingoftheladies'clothes;butonemightknowthat.Andsothegrand-standsmakeabrilliantandwonderfulspectacle,adeliriumof color, a vision of beauty. The champagne flows, everybody is vivacious,excited, happy; everybodybets, and gloves and fortunes change hands rightalong, all the time. Day after day the races go on, and the fun and theexcitement are kept at white heat; and when each day is done, the peopledanceallnightsoastobefreshfortheraceinthemorning.Andattheendofthe greatweek the swarms secure lodgings and transportation for next year,thenflockaway to their remotehomesandcount theirgainsand losses,andordernextyear'sCup-clothes,andthenliedownandsleeptwoweeks,andgetupsorrytoreflectthatawholeyearmustbeputinsomehoworotherbeforetheycanbewhollyhappyagain.TheMelbourneCupistheAustralasianNationalDay.Itwouldbedifficulttooverstate its importance. It overshadows all other holidays and specializeddays of whatever sort in that congeries of colonies. Overshadows them? Imight almost say it blots them out. Each of them gets attention, but noteverybody's;eachofthemevokesinterest,butnoteverybody's;eachofthemrouses enthusiasm,but not everybody's; in each case a part of the attention,interest,andenthusiasmisamatterofhabitandcustom,andanotherpartofitis official and perfunctory. Cup Day, and Cup Day only, commands anattention, an interest, and an enthusiasm which are universal—andspontaneous,notperfunctory.CupDayissupreme—ithasnorival.Icancalltomindnospecializedannualday,inanycountry,whichcanbenamedbythatlarge name—Supreme. I can call tomind no specialized annual day, in anycountry, whose approach fires the whole land with a conflagration ofconversationandpreparationandanticipationandjubilation.Nodaysavethisone;butthisonedoesit.InAmericawehavenoannualsupremeday;nodaywhoseapproachmakesthe whole nation glad. We have the Fourth of July, and Christmas, andThanksgiving. Neither of them can claim the primacy; neither of them canarouse an enthusiasm which comes near to being universal. Eight grownAmericansoutoftendreadthecomingoftheFourth,withitspandemoniumanditsperils,andtheyrejoicewhenitisgone—ifstillalive.TheapproachofChristmasbringsharassmentanddreadtomanyexcellentpeople.Theyhaveto buy a cart-load of presents, and they never knowwhat to buy to hit thevarious tastes; theyput in threeweeksofhard andanxiouswork, andwhen

Christmas morning comes they are so dissatisfied with the result, and sodisappointed that theywant to sit downand cry.Then theygive thanks thatChristmascomesbutonceayear.TheobservanceofThanksgivingDay—asafunction—has become general of late years. The Thankfulness is not sogeneral.This isnatural.Two-thirdsof thenationhavealwayshadhard luckand a hard time during the year, and this has a calming effect upon theirenthusiasm.Wehaveasupremeday—asweepingandtremendousandtumultuousday,adaywhichcommandsanabsoluteuniversalityofinterestandexcitement;butitisnotannual.Itcomesbutonceinfouryears;thereforeitcannotcountasarivaloftheMelbourneCup.In Great Britain and Ireland they have two great days—Christmas and theQueen'sbirthday.Buttheyareequallypopular;thereisnosupremacy.IthinkitmustbeconcededthatthepositionoftheAustralasianDayisunique,solitary,unfellowed;andlikelytoholdthathighplacealongtime.Thenext thingswhich interestuswhenwetravelare, first, thepeople;next,the novelties; and finally the history of the places and countries visited.Noveltiesarerareincitieswhichrepresentthemostadvancedcivilizationofthemodernday.WhenoneisfamiliarwithsuchcitiesintheotherpartsoftheworldheisineffectfamiliarwiththecitiesofAustralasia.Theoutsideaspectswillfurnishlittlethatisnew.Therewillbenewnames,butthethingswhichtheyrepresentwillsometimesbefoundtobelessnewthantheirnames.Theremaybeshadesofdifference,butthesecaneasilybetoofinefordetectionbytheincompetenteyeofthepassingstranger.Inthelarrikinhewillnotbeabletodiscoveranewspecies,butonlyanoldonemetelsewhere,andvariouslycalled loafer, rough, tough, bummer, or blatherskite, according to hisgeographicaldistribution.Thelarrikindiffersbyashadefromthoseothers,inthatheismoresociabletowardthestrangerthanthey,morekindlydisposed,morehospitable,morehearty,morefriendly.Atleastitseemedsotome,andIhadopportunitytoobserve.InSydney,atleast.InMelbourneIhadtodrivetoandfromthelecture-theater,butinSydneyIwasabletowalkbothways,anddid it. Every night, onmyway home at ten, or a quarter past, I found thelarrikingroupedinconsiderableforceatseveralof thestreetcorners,andhealwaysgavemethispleasantsalutation:"Hello,Mark!""Here'stoyou,oldchap!"Say—Mark!—ishedead?"—areferencetoapassageinsomebookofmine,thoughIdidnotdetect,atthattime,thatthatwasitssource.AndIdidn'tdetectitafterwardinMelbourne,whenIcameonthestageforthefirsttime,andthesame question was dropped down upon me from the dizzy height of the

gallery. It is alwaysdifficult toanswera sudden inquiry like that,whenyouhavecomeunpreparedanddon'tknowwhatitmeans.Iwillremarkhere—ifitisnotanindecorum—thatthewelcomewhichanAmericanlecturergetsfroma British colonial audience is a thing which will move him to his deepestdeeps,andveilhissightandbreakhisvoice.AndfromWinnipeg toAfrica,experiencewillteachhimnothing;hewillneverlearntoexpectit,itwillcatchhimasasurpriseeach time.Thewar-cloudhangingblackoverEnglandandAmericamadenotroubleforme.Iwasaprospectiveprisonerofwar,butatdinners,suppers,ontheplatform,andelsewhere,therewasneveranythingtoremindmeofit.Thiswashospitalityoftherightmetal,andwouldhavebeenprominentlylackinginsomecountries,inthecircumstances.And speaking of the war-flurry, it seemed to me to bring to light theunexpected, in a detail or two. It seemed to relegate the war-talk to thepoliticians on both sides of thewater;whereaswhenever a prospectivewarbetweentwonationshadbeenintheairtheretofore,thepublichaddonemostofthetalkingandthebitterest.Theattitudeofthenewspaperswasnewalso.Ispeakof thoseofAustralasiaandIndia, for Ihadaccess to thoseonly.Theytreatedthesubjectargumentativelyandwithdignity,notwithspiteandanger.Thatwasanewspirit, too,andnot learnedof theFrenchandGermanpress,eitherbeforeSedanorsince.Iheardmanypublicspeeches,andtheyreflectedthemoderationofthejournals.TheoutlookisthattheEnglish-speakingracewilldominatetheearthahundredyearsfromnow,ifitssectionsdonotgettofightingeachother. Itwouldbeapity to spoil thatprospectbybafflingandretardingwarswhenarbitrationwouldsettle theirdifferencessomuchbetterandalsosomuchmoredefinitely.No, as I have suggested, novelties are rare in the great capitals of moderntimes. Even the wool exchange in Melbourne could not be told from thefamiliar stock exchange of other countries. Wool brokers are just likestockbrokers;theyallbouncefromtheirseatsandputuptheirhandsandyellinunison—nostrangercantellwhat—andthepresidentcalmlysays"SoldtoSmith&Co.,threpencefarthing—next!"—whenprobablynothingofthekindhappened;forhowshouldheknow?Inthemuseumsyouwillfindacresofthemoststrangeandfascinatingthings;butallmuseumsarefascinating,andtheydosotireyoureyes,andbreakyourback, andburnoutyourvitalitieswith their consuming interest.Youalwayssay you will never go again, but you do go. The palaces of the rich, inMelbourne,aremuch like thepalacesof the rich inAmerica,and the life inthem is the same; but there the resemblance ends.The grounds surroundingtheAmerican palace are not often large, and not often beautiful, but in theMelbournecase thegrounds areoftenducally spacious, and the climate andthegardenerstogethermakethemasbeautifulasadream.Itissaidthatsome

of the country seats have grounds—domains—about them which rival incharmandmagnitudethosewhichsurroundthecountrymansionofanEnglishlord;butIwasnotoutinthecountry;Ihadmyhandsfullintown.Andwhatwastheoriginofthismajesticcityanditsefflorescenceofpalatialtownhousesandcountryseats?Itsfirstbrickwaslaidanditsfirsthousebuiltbyapassingconvict.Australianhistoryisalmostalwayspicturesque;indeed,itissocuriousandstrange,thatitisitselfthechiefestnoveltythecountryhasto offer, and so it pushes the other novelties into second and third place. Itdoesnotreadlikehistory,but like themostbeautiful lies.Andallofafreshnewsort,nomouldyoldstaleones.Itisfullofsurprises,andadventures,andincongruities,andcontradictions,andincredibilities;buttheyarealltrue,theyallhappened.

CHAPTERXVII.

TheEnglisharementionedintheBible:Blessedarethemeek,fortheyshallinherittheearth.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.When we consider the immensity of the British Empire in territory,population, and trade, it requires a stern exercise of faith to believe in thefigureswhichrepresentAustralasia'scontributiontotheEmpire'scommercialgrandeur.AscomparedwiththelandedestateoftheBritishEmpire,thelandedestate dominated by any other Power except one—Russia—is not veryimpressiveforsize.MyauthoritiesmaketheBritishEmpirenotmuchshortofa fourth larger than the Russian Empire. Roughly proportioned, if you willallowyourentirehandtorepresent theBritishEmpire,youmaythencutoffthefingersatrifleabovethemiddlejointofthemiddlefinger,andwhatisleftofthehandwillrepresentRussia.ThepopulationsruledbyGreatBritainandChina are about the same—400,000,000 each. No other Power approachesthesefigures.EvenRussiaisleftfarbehind.ThepopulationofAustralasia—4,000,000—sinksintonothingness,andislostfromsightinthatBritishoceanof400,000,000.YetthestatisticsindicatethatitrisesagainandshowsupveryconspicuouslywhenitsshareoftheEmpire'scommerce is thematter under consideration. The value of England's annualexportsandimportsisstatedatthreebillionsofdollars,—[NewSouthWalesBlue Book.]—and it is claimed that more than one-tenth of this greataggregateisrepresentedbyAustralasia'sexportstoEnglandandimportsfromEngland.Inadditiontothis,AustralasiadoesatradewithcountriesotherthanEngland, amounting to a hundred million dollars a year, and a domestic

intercolonialtradeamountingtoahundredandfiftymillions.In round numbers the 4,000,000 buy and sell about $600,000,000worth ofgoods ayear. It is claimed that abouthalf of this represents commoditiesofAustralasianproduction.TheproductsexportedannuallybyIndiaareworthatrifleover$500,000,000.1Now,herearesomefaith-strainingfigures:Indianproduction(300,000,000population),$500,000,000.Australasianproduction(4,000,000population),$300,000,000.Thatistosay,theproductoftheindividualIndian,annually(forexportsomewhither),isworth$1.75;thatoftheindividualAustralasian(forexportsomewhither),$75!Or,toputitinanotherway,theIndianfamilyofmanandwifeand three children sends away an annual result worth $8.75, while theAustralasianfamilysendsaway$375worth.There are trustworthy statistics furnishedbySirRichardTemple andothers,whichshowthattheindividualIndian'swholeannualproduct,bothforexportand home use, is worth in gold only $7.50; or, $37.50 for the family-aggregate. Ciphered out on a like ratio of multiplication, the Australasianfamily's aggregate production would be nearly $1,600. Truly, nothing is soastonishingasfigures,iftheyoncegetstarted.We leftMelbourne by rail forAdelaide, the capital of the vast Province ofSouthAustralia—aseventeen-hour excursion.On the trainwe found severalSydneyfriends;amongthemaJudgewhowasgoingoutoncircuit,andwasgoing to hold court at Broken Hill, where the celebrated silver mine is. Itseemedacuriousroadtotaketogettothatregion.BrokenHillisclosetothewesternborderofNewSouthWales,andSydneyisontheeasternborder.Afairlystraightline,700mileslong,drawnwestwardfromSydney,wouldstrikeBrokenHill, justasasomewhatshorteronedrawnwest fromBostonwouldstrikeBuffalo.ThewaytheJudgewastravelingwouldcarryhimover2,000miles by rail, he said; southwest from Sydney down to Melbourne, thennorthwarduptoAdelaide,thenacantbacknortheastwardandovertheborderinto New SouthWales once more—to Broken Hill. It was like going fromBoston southwest to Richmond, Virginia, then northwest up to Erie,Pennsylvania, then a cant back northeast and over the border—to Buffalo,NewYork.Buttheexplanationwassimple.YearsagothefabulouslyrichsilverdiscoveryatBrokenHillburstsuddenlyuponanunexpectantworld.Itsstocksstartedatshillings,andwentbyleapsandboundstothemostfancifulfigures.Itwasoneof those caseswhere the cookputs amonth'swages into shares, and comesnextmonthandbuysyourhouseatyourownprice,andmovesintoitherself;wherethecoachmantakesafewshares,andnextmonthsetsupabank;and

wherethecommonsailorinveststhepriceofaspree,andthenextmonthbuysoutthesteamshipcompanyandgoesintobusinessonhisownhook.Inaword,itwasoneofthoseexcitementswhichbringmultitudesofpeopletoacommoncenterwitharush,andwhoseneedsmustbesupplied,andatonce.Adelaidewascloseby,Sydneywasfaraway.Adelaidethrewashortrailwayacrosstheborder before Sydney had time to arrange for a long one; it was notworthwhileforSydneytoarrangeatall.Thewholevasttrade-profitofBrokenHillfell into Adelaide's hands, irrevocably. New SouthWales law furnishes forBrokenHillandsendsherJudges2,000miles—mainlythroughaliencountries—toadministerit,butAdelaidetakesthedividendsandmakesnomoan.Westartedat4.20intheafternoon,andmovedacrosslevelplainsuntilnight.Inthemorningwehadastretchof"scrub"country—thekindofthingwhichissouseful to theAustraliannovelist. In thescrub thehostileaboriginal lurks,and flitsmysteriously about, slipping out from time to time to surprise andslaughter the settler; then slipping back again, and leaving no track that thewhitemancanfollow.Inthescrubthenovelist'sheroinegetslost,searchfailsof result; shewandershere and there, and finally sinksdownexhaustedandunconscious,andthesearcherspasswithinayardortwoofher,notsuspectingthatsheisnear,andbyandbysomeramblerfindsherbonesandthepatheticdiarywhichshehadscribbledwithherfailinghandandleftbehind.Nobodycanfindalostheroineinthescrubbuttheaboriginal"tracker,"andhewillnotlendhimselftotheschemeifitwillinterferewiththenovelist'splot.Thescrubstretchesmilesandmilesinalldirections,andlookslikealevelroofofbush-tops without a break or a crack in it—as seamless as a blanket, to allappearance.Onemightaswellwalkunderwaterandhopetoguessoutarouteand stick to it, I should think.Yet it is claimed that the aboriginal "tracker"wasable tohuntoutpeople lost in thescrub.Alsoin the"bush";also in thedesert; and even follow them over patches of bare rocks and over alluvialgroundwhichhadtoallappearancebeenwashedclearoffootprints.From reading Australian books and talking with the people, I becameconvinced that the aboriginal tracker's performances evince a craft, apenetration, a luminous sagacity, and a minuteness and accuracy ofobservationinthematterofdetective-worknotfoundinnearlysoremarkableadegree in anyotherpeople,whiteor colored. In anofficial accountof theblacksofAustraliapublishedbythegovernmentofVictoria,onereadsthattheaboriginal not only notices the faintmarks left on the bark of a tree by theclawsof a climbingopossum, but knows in somewayor otherwhether themarksweremadeto-dayoryesterday.Andthereisthecase,onrecordwhereA.,asettler,makesabetwithB.,thatB.mayloseacowaseffectuallyashecan,andA.willproduceanaboriginalwhowillfindher.B.selectsacowandletsthetrackerseethecow'sfootprint,

then be put under guard. B. then drives the cow a fewmiles over a coursewhichdriftsinalldirections,andfrequentlydoublesbackuponitself;andheselects difficult ground all the time, and once or twice even drives the cowthroughherdsofothercows,andmingleshertracksinthewideconfusionoftheirs.Hefinallybringshiscowhome;theaboriginal issetat liberty,andatoncemovesaround inagreatcircle,examiningallcow-tracksuntilhe findstheonehe is after; then setsoff and follows it throughout its erratic course,and ultimately tracks it to the stable where B. has hidden the cow. Nowwhereindoesonecow-trackdifferfromanother?Theremustbeadifference,or the tracker could not have performed the feat; a difference minute,shadowy,andnotdetectiblebyyouorme,orbythelateSherlockHolmes,andyetdiscerniblebyamemberofaracechargedbysomepeoplewithoccupyingthebottomplaceinthegradationsofhumanintelligence.

CHAPTERXVIII.

Itiseasiertostayoutthangetout.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.Thetrainwasnowexploringabeautifulhillcountry,andwenttwistinginandout through lovely little green valleys. Therewere several varieties of gumtrees; among themmanygiants.Someof themwerebodiedandbarked likethesycamore;somewereoffantasticaspect,andremindedoneofthequaintapple trees in Japanesepictures.And therewasonepeculiarlybeautiful treewhosenameandbreedIdidnotknow.Thefoliageseemed toconsistofbigbunchesofpine-spines,thelowerhalfofeachbuncharichbrownorold-goldcolor,theupperhalfamostvividandstrenuousandshoutinggreen.Theeffectwasaltogetherbewitching.Thetreewasapparentlyrare.Ishouldsaythatthefirstandlastsamplesofitseenbyuswerenotmorethanhalfanhourapart.Therewas another tree of striking aspect, a kind of pine,wewere told. Itsfoliagewasas fineashair, apparently, and itsmass sphered itself above thenaked straight stem like an explosionofmisty smoke. Itwas not a sociablesort;itdidnotgatheringroupsorcouples,buteachindividualstoodfarawayfrom its nearest neighbor. It scattered itself in this spacious and exclusivefashionabouttheslopesofswellinggrassygreatknolls,andstoodinthefullfloodofthewonderfulsunshine;andasfarasyoucouldseethetreeitselfyoucouldalsoseetheink-blackblotofitsshadowontheshininggreencarpetatitsfeet.Onsomepartofthisrailwayjourneywesawgorseandbroom—importationsfromEngland—andagentlemanwhocame intoour compartmenton a visittriedtotellmewhich—waswhich;butashedidn'tknow,hehaddifficulty.He

saidhewasashamedofhisignorance,butthathehadneverbeenconfrontedwiththequestionbeforeduringthefiftyyearsandmorethathehadspentinAustralia, and sohehadneverhappened toget interested in thematter.Buttherewasnoneedtobeashamed.Themostofushavehisdefect.Wetakeanatural interest in novelties, but it is against nature to take an interest infamiliarthings.Thegorseandthebroomwereafineaccentinthelandscape.Hereandtheretheyburstoutinsuddenconflagrationsofvividyellowagainstabackgroundofsoberorsombrecolor,withasostartlingeffectastomakeabody catch his breathwith the happy surprise of it.And then therewas thewattle,anativebushortree,aninspiringcloudofsumptuousyellowbloom.Itisa favoritewith theAustralians,andhasa fine fragrance,aqualityusuallywantinginAustralianblossoms.ThegentlemanwhoenrichedmewiththepovertyofhisinformationaboutthegorseandthebroomtoldmethathecameoutfromEnglandayouthoftwentyand entered the Province of South Australia with thirty-six shillings in hispocket—anadventurerwithouttrade,profession,orfriends,butwithaclearly-definedpurposeinhishead:hewouldstayuntilhewasworthL200,thengoback home.Hewould allowhimself five years for the accumulation of thisfortune."Thatwasmorethanfiftyyearsago,"saidhe."AndhereIam,yet."Ashewentoutatthedoorhemetafriend,andturnedandintroducedhimtome, and the friend and I had a talk and a smoke. I spoke of the previousconversation and said there was something very pathetic about this halfcenturyofexile,andthatIwishedtheL200schemehadsucceeded."Withhim?Oh,itdid.It'snotsosadacase.Heismodest,andheleftoutsomeoftheparticulars.TheladreachedSouthAustraliajustintimetohelpdiscoverthe Burra-Burra copper mines. They turned out L700,000 in the first threeyears.UptonowtheyhaveyieldedL20,000,000.Hehashadhisshare.Beforethat boy had been in the country two years he could have gone home andboughtavillage;hecouldgonowandbuyacity,Ithink.No,thereisnothingverypatheticabouthiscase.HeandhiscopperarrivedatjustahandytimetosaveSouthAustralia.Ithadgotmashedprettyflatunderthecollapseofalandboom a while before." There it is again; picturesque history—Australia'sspecialty.In1829SouthAustraliahadn'tawhitemaninit.In1836theBritishParliamenterectedit—stillasolitude—intoaProvince,andgaveitagovernorand other governmental machinery. Speculators took hold, now, andinauguratedavastlandscheme,andinvitedimmigration,encouragingitwithluridpromisesofsuddenwealth.ItwaswellworkedinLondon;andbishops,statesmen,andallsortsofpeoplemadearushforthelandcompany'sshares.Immigrants soon began to pour into the region ofAdelaide and select townlotsandfarmsinthesandandthemangroveswampsbythesea.Thecrowds

continued to come, prices of land rose high, then higher and still higher,everybody was prosperous and happy, the boom swelled into giganticproportions.Avillageofsheetironhutsandclapboardshedssprangupinthesand, and in these wigwams fashion made display; richly-dressed ladiesplayed on costly pianos, London swells in evening dress and patent-leatherboots were abundant, and this fine society drank champagne, and in otherways conducted itself in this capital of humble sheds as it had beenaccustomed todo in the aristocraticquartersof themetropolisof theworld.Theprovincialgovernmentputupexpensivebuildingsforitsownuse,andapalacewithgardensfortheuseofitsgovernor.Thegovernorhadaguard,andmaintained a court. Roads, wharves, and hospitals were built. All this oncredit, on paper, on wind, on inflated and fictitious values—on the boom'smoonshine,infact.Thiswentonhandsomelyduringfourorfiveyears.Thenallofasuddencameasmash.Billsforahugeamountdrawnbythegovernorupon the Treasury were dishonored, the land company's credit went up insmoke, a panic followed, values fellwith a rush, the frightened immigrantsseized their gripsacks and fled to other lands, leaving behind them a goodimitationofasolitude,wherelatelyhadbeenabuzzingandpopuloushiveofmen.Adelaidewasindeedalmostempty;itspopulationhadfallento3,000.Duringtwoyears ormore the death-trance continued.Prospect of revival therewasnone;hopeofitceased.Then,assuddenlyastheparalysishadcome,cametheresurrectionfromit.Thoseastonishinglyrichcoppermineswerediscovered,andthecorpsegotupanddanced.The wool production began to grow; grain-raising followed—followed sovigorously, too, that four or five years after the copper discovery, this littlecolony,whichhadhadtoimportitsbreadstuffsformerly,andpayhardpricesforthem—once$50abarrelforflour—hadbecomeanexporterofgrain.The prosperities continued. After many years Providence, desiring to showespecialregardforNewSouthWalesandexhibitlovinginterestinitswelfarewhichshouldcertifytoallnationstherecognitionofthatcolony'sconspicuousrighteousnessanddistinguishedwell-deserving,conferreduponitthattreasuryofinconceivableriches,BrokenHill;andSouthAustraliawentovertheborderandtookit,givingthanks.AmongourpassengerswasanAmericanwithauniquevocation.Uniqueisastrongword,butIuseitjustifiablyifIdidnotmisconceivewhattheAmericantoldme; for Iunderstoodhimtosay that in theworld therewasnotanotherman engaged in the business which he was following. He was buying thekangaroo-skin crop; buying all of it, both the Australian crop and theTasmanian; and buying it for an American house in NewYork. The priceswerenothigh,astherewasnocompetition,buttheyear'saggregateofskins

would cost him L30,000. I had had the idea that the kangaroo was aboutextinct in Tasmania and well thinned out on the continent. In America theskins are tanned andmade into shoes.After the tanning, the leather takes anewname—whichIhaveforgotten—Ionlyrememberthatthenewnamedoesnot indicate that the kangaroo furnishes the leather. There was a Germancompetition for awhile, some years ago, but that has ceased.TheGermansfailed to arrive at the secret of tanning the skins successfully, and theywithdrew from the business. Now then, I suppose that I have seen a manwhose occupation is really entitled to bear that high epithet—unique.And Isuppose that there isnotanotheroccupation in theworld that is restricted tothehandsofasoleperson.Icanthinkofnoinstanceofit.ThereismorethanonePope,thereismorethanoneEmperor,thereisevenmorethanonelivinggod, walking upon the earth and worshiped in all sincerity by largepopulationsofmen.IhaveseenandtalkedwithtwooftheseBeingsmyselfinIndia,andIhavetheautographofoneofthem.Itcancomegood,byandby,Ireckon,ifIattachittoa"permit."ApproachingAdelaidewedismounted fromthe train,as theFrenchsay,andweredriveninanopencarriageoverthehillsandalongtheirslopestothecity.It was an excursion of an hour or two, and the charm of it could not beoverstated, I think.The roadwoundaroundgapsandgorges,andofferedallvarietiesofsceneryandprospect—mountains,crags,countryhomes,gardens,forests—color, color, color everywhere, and the air fine and fresh, the skiesblue,andnotashredofcloudtomarthedownpourofthebrilliantsunshine.Andfinallythemountaingatewayopened,andtheimmenseplainlayspreadout below and stretching away into dim distances on every hand, soft anddelicateanddaintyandbeautiful.Onitsnearedgereposedthecity.Wedescendedandentered.Therewasnothing to remindoneof thehumblecapital,ofhutsandshedsofthelong-vanisheddayoftheland-boom.No,thiswas a modern city, with wide streets, compactly built; with fine homeseverywhere,emboweredinfoliageandflowers,andwithimposingmassesofpublicbuildingsnoblygroupedandarchitecturallybeautiful.There was prosperity, in the air; for another boom was on. Providence,desiringtoshowespecialregardfortheneighboringcolonyonthewestcalledWestern Australia—and exhibit loving interest in its welfare which shouldcertifytoallnationstherecognitionofthatcolony'sconspicuousrighteousnessanddistinguishedwell-deserving,hadrecentlyconferreduponitthatmajestictreasury of golden riches, Coolgardie; and now South Australia had gonearoundthecornerandtakenit,givingthanks.Everythingcomestohimwhoispatientandgood,andwaits.ButSouthAustraliadeservesmuch, for apparently she is ahospitablehomefor every alien who chooses to come; and for his religion, too. She has a

population,asperthelatestcensus,ofonly320,000-odd,andyethervarietiesofreligionindicatethepresencewithinherbordersofsamplesofpeoplefrompretty nearly every part of the globe you can think of. Tabulated, thesevarietiesofreligionmakearemarkableshow.Onewouldhavetogofartofindits match. I copy here this cosmopolitan curiosity, and it comes from thepublishedcensus:ChurchofEngland,89,271RomanCatholic,47,179Wesleyan,49,159Lutheran,23,328Presbyterian,18,206Congregationalist,11,882BibleChristian,15,762PrimitiveMethodist,11,654Baptist,17,547ChristianBrethren,465MethodistNewConnexion,39Unitarian,688ChurchofChrist,3,367SocietyofFriends,100SalvationArmy,4,356NewJerusalemChurch,168Jews,840Protestants(undefined),5,532Mohammedans,299Confucians,etc,3,884Otherreligions,1,719Object,6,940Notstated,8,046Total,320,431Theitemintheabovelist"Otherreligions"includesthefollowingasreturned:Agnostics, Atheists, Believers in Christ, Buddhists, Calvinists,

Christadelphians, Christians, Christ's Chapel, Christian Israelites, ChristianSocialists, Church of God, Cosmopolitans, Deists, Evangelists, ExclusiveBrethren, Free Church, Free Methodists, Freethinkers, Followers of Christ,GospelMeetings,GreekChurch,Infidels,Maronites,Memnonists,Moravians,Mormons, Naturalists, Orthodox, Others (indefinite), Pagans, Pantheists,Plymouth Brethren, Rationalists, Reformers, Secularists, Seventh-dayAdventists, Shaker, Shintoists, Spiritualists, Theosophists, Town (City)Mission,WelshChurch,Huguenot,Hussite,Zoroastrians,Zwinglian,About 64 roads to the other world. You see how healthy the religiousatmosphere is. Anything can live in it. Agnostics, Atheists, Freethinkers,Infidels,Mormons,Pagans,Indefinitestheyareallthere.Andallthebigsectsof the world can domore thanmerely live in it: they can spread, flourish,prosper. All except the Spiritualists and the Theosophists. That is the mostcuriousfeatureofthiscurioustable.Whatisthematterwiththespecter?Whydotheypuffhimaway?Heisawelcometoyeverywhereelseintheworld.

CHAPTERXIX.

Pityisfortheliving,Envyisforthedead.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.Thesuccessorofthesheet-ironhamletofthemangrovemarsheshasthatotherAustralianspecialty, theBotanicalGardens.Wecannothave theseparadises.Thebestwecoulddowouldbetocoveravastacreageunderglassandapplysteamheat.Butitwouldbeinadequate, thelackswouldstillbesogreat: theconfinedsense,thesenseofsuffocation,theatmosphericdimness,thesweatyheat—thesewouldallbethere,inplaceoftheAustralianopennesstothesky,the sunshine and the breeze. Whatever will grow under glass with us willflourishrampantlyoutofdoors inAustralia.—[Thegreatestheat inVictoria,thatthereisanauthoritativerecordof,wasatSandhurst,inJanuary,1862.Thethermometer then registered117degrees in the shade. In January, 1880, theheatatAdelaide,SouthAustralia,was172degreesinthesun.]When the white man came the continent was nearly as poor, in variety ofvegetation, as thedesert ofSahara; now it has everything that growson theearth.Infact,notAustraliaonly,butallAustralasiahasleviedtributeupontheflora of the rest of theworld; andwherever one goes the results appear, ingardensprivateandpublic,inthewoodsywallsofthehighways,andineventhe forests. If you see a curiousor beautiful treeor bushor flower, and askaboutit,thepeople,answering,usuallynameaforeigncountryastheplaceofits origin—India, Africa, Japan, China, England, America, Java, Sumatra,

NewGuinea,Polynesia,andsoon.In theZoologicalGardens ofAdelaide I saw the only laughing jackass thatevershowedanydispositiontobecourteoustome.Thisoneopenedhisheadwide and laughed like a demon; or like amaniacwhowas consumedwithhumorousscornoveracheapanddegradedpun.Itwasaveryhumanlaugh.IfhehadbeenoutofsightIcouldhavebelievedthatthelaughtercamefromaman.It isanodd-lookingbird,withaheadandbeakthataremuchtoolargefor its body. In timemanwill exterminate the rest of the wild creatures ofAustralia,butthisonewillprobablysurvive,formanishisfriendandletshimalone.Man always has a good reason for his charities towardswild things,humanoranimalwhenhehasany.Inthiscasethebirdissparedbecausehekillssnakes.IfL.J.willtakemyadvicehewillnotkillallofthem.In that garden I also saw the wild Australian dog—the dingo. He was abeautiful creature—shapely, graceful, a littlewolfish in someof his aspects,but with a most friendly eye and sociable disposition. The dingo is not animportation;hewaspresent ingreat forcewhen thewhites first came to thecontinent. Itmaybe thathe is theoldestdog in theuniverse;hisorigin,hisdescent, theplacewherehisancestorsfirstappeared,areasunknownandasuntraceableasarethecamel's.Heisthemostpreciousdogintheworld,forhedoesnotbark.Butinanevilhourhegottoraidingthesheep-runstoappeasehishunger,andthatsealedhisdoom.Heishunted,now,justasifhewereawolf.Hehasbeensentencedtoextermination,andthesentencewillbecarriedout.Thisisallright,andnotobjectionable.Theworldwasmadeforman—thewhiteman.South Australia is confusingly named. All of the colonies have a southernexposure except one—Queensland. Properly speaking, South Australia ismiddleAustralia.Itextendsstraightupthroughthecenterofthecontinentlikethemiddleboardinacenter-table.Itis2,000mileshigh,fromsouthtonorth,and about a third aswide.Awee little spot down in its southeastern cornercontainseightornine-tenthsofitspopulation;theotheroneortwo-tenthsareelsewhere—as elsewhere as they could be in the United States with all thecountrybetweenDenverandChicago,andCanadaandtheGulfofMexicotoscatterover.Thereisplentyofroom.A telegraph line stretches straight up north through that 2,000 miles ofwildernessanddesertfromAdelaidetoPortDarwinontheedgeoftheupperocean.SouthAustraliabuilttheline;anddiditin1871-2whenherpopulationnumbered only 185,000. It was a great work; for there were no roads, nopaths;1,300milesof the routehadbeen traversedbutoncebeforebywhitemen;provisions,wire,andpoleshadtobecarriedoverimmensestretchesofdesert;wellshadtobedugalongtheroutetosupplythemenandcattlewithwater.

A cable had been previously laid from Port Darwin to Java and thence toIndia,andtherewastelegraphiccommunicationwithEnglandfromIndia.Andso,ifAdelaidecouldmakeconnectionwithPortDarwinitmeantconnectionwiththewholeworld.Theenterprisesucceeded.OnecouldwatchtheLondonmarketsdaily,now;theprofittothewool-growersofAustraliawasinstantandenormous.A telegram fromMelbourne to San Francisco covers approximately 20,000miles—theequivalentoffive-sixthsofthewayaroundtheglobe.Ithastohaltalongthewayagoodmanytimesandberepeated;still,butlittletimeislost.These halts, and the distances between them, are here tabulated.—[From"RoundtheEmpire."(GeorgeR.Parkin),allbutthelasttwo.]Miles.Melbourne-MountGambier,300MountGambier-Adelaide,270Adelaide-PortAugusta,200PortAugusta-AliceSprings,1,036AliceSprings-PortDarwin,898PortDarwin-Banjoewangie,1,150Banjoewangie-Batavia,480Batavia-Singapore,553Singapore-Penang,399Penang-Madras,1,280Madras-Bombay,650Bombay-Aden,1,662Aden-Suez,1,346Suez-Alexandria,224Alexandria-Malta,828Malta-Gibraltar,1,008Gibraltar-Falmouth,1,061Falmouth-London,350London-NewYork,2,500NewYork-SanFrancisco,3,500IwasinAdelaideagain,somemonthslater,andsawthemultitudesgatherin

the neighboring city of Glenelg to commemorate the Reading of theProclamation—in 1836—which founded the Province. If I have at any timecalled it a Colony, I withdraw the discourtesy. It is not a Colony, it is aProvince; and officially so. Moreover, it is the only one so named inAustralasia. There was great enthusiasm; it was the Province's nationalholiday,itsFourthofJuly,sotospeak.Itisthepre-eminentholiday;andthatis saying much, in a country where they seem to have a most un-Englishmania for holidays. Mainly they are workingmen's holidays; for in SouthAustraliatheworkingmanissovereign;hisvoteisthedesireofthepolitician—indeed,itistheverybreathofthepolitician'sbeing;theparliamentexiststodeliver thewillof theworkingman,and thegovernmentexists toexecute it.TheworkingmanisagreatpowereverywhereinAustralia,butSouthAustraliais his paradise. He has had a hard time in this world, and has earned aparadise.Iamgladhehasfoundit.Theholidaystherearefrequentenoughtobebewildering to thestranger. I tried toget thehangof thesystem,butwasnotabletodoit.YouhaveseenthattheProvinceistolerant,religious-wise.Itissopolitically,also. One of the speakers at the Commemoration banquet—theMinister ofPublicWorks-was anAmerican, born and reared inNewEngland. There isnothingnarrowabouttheProvince,politically,orinanyotherwaythatIknowof.Sixty-four religions and aYankee cabinetminister.No amount of horse-racingcandamnthiscommunity.Themean temperatureof theProvince is62deg.Thedeath-rate is13 in the1,000—abouthalfwhatitisinthecityofNewYork,Ishouldthink,andNewYorkisahealthycity.Thirteenisthedeath-ratefortheaveragecitizenoftheProvince,but thereseemstobenodeath-ratefor theoldpeople.TherewerepeopleattheCommemorationbanquetwhocouldrememberCromwell.Therewere six of them. These Old Settlers had all been present at the originalReading of the Proclamation, in 1836. They showed signs of the blightingsand blastings of time, in their outward aspect, but theywere youngwithin;youngandcheerful,andreadytotalk;readytotalk,andtalkallyouwanted;intheirturn,andoutofit.Theyweredownforsixspeeches,andtheymade42.Thegovernorandthecabinetandthemayorweredownfor42speeches,andtheymade6.Theyhavesplendidgrit,theOldSettlers,splendidstayingpower.But they do not hear well, and when they see the mayor going throughmotionswhichtheyrecognizeastheintroducingofaspeaker,theythinktheyare the one, and they all get up together, and begin to respond, in themostanimatedway;andthemorethemayorgesticulates,andshouts"Sitdown!Sitdown!" the more they take it for applause, and the more excited andreminiscent and enthusiastic they get; and next, when they see the wholehouselaughingandcrying, threeof themthinkit isabout thebitterold-timehardshipstheyaredescribing,andtheotherthreethinkthelaughteriscaused

by the jokes they have been uncorking—jokes of the vintage of 1836—andthen theway they do go on!And finallywhen ushers come and plead, andbeg, and gently and reverently crowd them down into their seats, they say,"Oh, I'm not tired—I could bang along aweek!" and they sit there lookingsimple and childlike, and gentle, and proud of their oratory, and whollyunconsciousofwhatisgoingonattheotherendoftheroom.Andsooneofthegreatdignitariesgetsachance,andbeginshiscarefullypreparedspeech,impressivelyandwithsolemnity—"Whenwe,nowgreatandprosperousandpowerful,bowourheadsinreverentwonder in the contemplation of those sublimities of energy, of wisdom, offorethought,of——"Upcometheimmortalsixagain,inabody,withajoyous"Hey,I'vethoughtofanotherone!"andatittheygo,withmightandmain,hearingnotawhisperofthe pandemonium that salutes them, but taking all the visible violences forapplause, as before, and hammering joyously away till the imploring usherspraythemintotheirseatsagain.Andapity,too;forthoselovelyoldboysdidso enjoy living their heroic youth over, in these days of their honoredantiquity; and certainly the things they had to tell were usually worth thetellingandthehearing.Itwasastirringspectacle;stirringinmorewaysthanone,foritwasamazinglyfunny,andatthesametimedeeplypathetic;fortheyhadseensomuch,thesetime-wornveterans,andhadsufferedsomuch;andhadbuiltsostronglyandwell,andlaidthefoundationsoftheircommonwealthsodeep, inlibertyandtolerance;andhadlivedtoseethestructurerisetosuchstateanddignityandhearthemselvessopraisedfortheirhonorablework.Oneoftheseoldgentlementoldmesomethingsofinterestafterward;thingsabouttheaboriginals,mainly.Hethoughtthemintelligent—remarkablysoinsomedirections—andhe said that alongwith their unpleasant qualities theyhad some exceedingly good ones; and he considered it a great pity that therace had died out. He instanced their invention of the boomerang and the"weet-weet"asevidencesoftheirbrightness;andasanotherevidenceofithesaidhehadneverseenawhitemanwhohadclevernessenoughtolearntodothemiracleswith those two toys that the aboriginals achieved.He said thateventhesmartestwhiteshadbeenobligedtoconfessthattheycouldnotlearnthe trickof theboomerang inperfection; that it hadpossibilitieswhich theycouldnotmaster.Thewhitemancouldnotcontrolitsmotions,couldnotmakeit obey him; but the aboriginal could.He toldme somewonderful things—some almost incredible things—which he had seen the blacks do with theboomerangandtheweet-weet.Theyhavebeenconfirmedtomesincebyotherearlysettlersandbytrustworthybooks.It is contended—andmaybe said to be conceded—that the boomerangwas

knowntocertainsavagetribesinEuropeinRomantimes.Insupportofthis,VirgilandtwootherRomanpoetsarequoted.ItisalsocontendedthatitwasknowntotheancientEgyptians.Oneoftwothings,eithersomeonewithaboomerangarrivedinAustraliainthedaysofantiquitybeforeEuropeanknowledgeofthethinghadbeenlost,ortheAustralianaboriginalreinventedit.Itwilltakesometimetofindoutwhichofthesetwopropositionsisthefact.Butthereisnohurry.

CHAPTERXX.

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those threeunspeakablyprecious things:freedomofspeech,freedomofconscience,andtheprudencenevertopracticeeitherofthem.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.Fromdiary:Mr. G. called. I had not seen him since Nauheim, Germany—several yearsago;thetimethatthecholerabrokeoutatHamburg.Wetalkedofthepeoplewehadknownthere,orhadcasuallymet;andG.said:"Doyouremembermyintroducingyoutoanearl—theEarlofC.?""Yes.Thatwas the last time I sawyou.Youandhewere in a carriage, juststarting—belated—forthetrain.Irememberit.""Irememberittoo,becauseofathingwhichhappenedthenwhichIwasnotlookingfor.Hehadtoldmeawhilebefore,aboutaremarkableandinterestingCalifornianwhomhehadmetandwhowasafriendofyours,andsaidthatifhe should evermeet you hewould ask you for some particulars about thatCalifornian.ThesubjectwasnotmentionedthatdayatNauheim,forwewerehurryingaway,andtherewasnotime;butthethingthatsurprisedmewasthis:whenIintroducedyou,yousaid,'Iamgladtomeetyourlordshipagain.'The'again'was the surprise.He is a little hard of hearing, and didn't catch thatword,andIthoughtyouhadn'tintendedthatheshould.AswedroveoffIhadonlytimetosay,'Why,whatdoyouknowabouthim?'andIunderstoodyoutosay, 'Oh,nothing,except thathe is thequickest judgeof——'Thenweweregone,andIdidn'tgettherest.Iwonderedwhatitwasthathewassuchaquickjudge of. I have thought of itmany times since, and stillwonderedwhat itcouldbe.HeandItalkeditover,butcouldnotguessitout.Hethoughtitmustbefox-houndsorhorses,forheisagoodjudgeofthose—nooneisabetter.Butyoucouldn'tknowthat,becauseyoudidn'tknowhim;youhadmistakenhimforsomeoneelse;itmustbethat,hesaid,becauseheknewyouhadnever

methimbefore.Andofcourseyouhadn'thadyou?""Yes,Ihad.""Isthatso?Where?""Atafox-hunt,inEngland.""Howcuriousthatis.Why,hehadn'ttheleastrecollectionofit.Hadyouanyconversationwithhim?""Some—yes.""Well,itleftnottheleastimpressionuponhim.Whatdidyoutalkabout?""Aboutthefox.Ithinkthatwasall.""Why,thatwouldinteresthim;thatoughttohaveleftanimpression.Whatdidhetalkabout?""Thefox.""It'sverycurious.Idon'tunderstandit.Didwhathesaidleaveanimpressionuponyou?""Yes.Itshowedmethathewasaquickjudgeof—however,Iwilltellyouallabout it, thenyouwillunderstand.Itwasaquarterofacenturyago1873or'74.IhadanAmericanfriendinLondonnamedF.,whowasfondofhunting,andhis friends theBlanks invitedhimandme tocomeout toahuntandbetheirguestsattheircountryplace.Inthemorningthemountswereprovided,butwhenIsawthehorsesIchangedmymindandaskedpermissiontowalk.IhadneverseenanEnglishhunterbefore,anditseemedtomethatIcouldhuntafoxsaferontheground.Ihadalwaysbeendiffidentabouthorses,anyway,eventhoseofthecommonaltitudes,andIdidnotfeelcompetenttohuntonahorsethatwentonstilts.SothenMrs.BlankcametomyhelpandsaidIcouldgowithher in thedog-cartandwewoulddrive toaplacesheknewof,andthereweshouldhaveagoodglimpseofthehuntasitwentby."WhenwegottothatplaceIgotoutandwentandleanedmyelbowsonalowstonewallwhichencloseda turfyandbeautifulgreat fieldwithheavywoodonall its sides except ours.Mrs.Blank sat in thedog-cart fiftyyards away,whichwasasnearasshecouldgetwiththevehicle.Iwasfullofinterest,forIhad never seen a fox-hunt. I waited, dreaming and imagining, in the deepstillness and impressive tranquility which reigned in that retired spot.Presently, fromawayoff in theforeston the left,amellowbugle-notecamefloating;thenallofasuddenamultitudeofdogsburstoutofthatforestandwenttearingbyanddisappearedintheforestontheright;therewasapause,andthenacloudofhorsemeninblackcapsandcrimsoncoatsplungedoutofthe left-hand forest and went flaming across the field like a prairie-fire, astirring sight to see. There was one man ahead of the rest, and he came

spurringstraightatme.Hewasfiercelyexcited.Itwasfinetoseehimride;hewasamasterhorseman.Hecamelikeastormtillhewaswithinsevenfeetofme,whereIwasleaningonthewall,thenhestoodhishorsestraightupintheaironhishindtoe-nails,andshoutedlikeademon:"'Whichway'dthefoxgo?'"Ididn'tmuchlikethetone,butIdidnotleton;forhewasexcited,youknow.ButIwascalm;soIsaidsoftly,andwithoutacrimony:"'Whichfox?'"Itseemedtoangerhim.Idon'tknowwhy;andhethunderedout:"'WHICHfox?Why,THEfox?WhichwaydidtheFOXgo?'"Isaid,withgreatgentleness—evenargumentatively:"'If you could be a littlemore definite—a little less vague—because I am astranger,and therearemanyfoxes,asyouwillknowevenbetter thanI,andunlessIknowwhichoneitisthatyoudesiretoidentify,and——'"'You'recertainlythedamdestidiotthathasescapedinathousandyears!'andhesnatchedhisgreathorsearoundaseasilyasIwouldsnatchacat,andwasawaylikeahurricane.Averyexcitableman."IwentbacktoMrs.Blank,andshewasexcited,too—oh,allalive.Shesaid:"'Hespoketoyou!—didn'the?'"'Yes,itiswhathappened.'"'Iknewit!Icouldn'thearwhathesaid,butIknewhespoketoyou!Doyouknowwhoitwas?ItwasLordC.,andheisMasteroftheBuckhounds!Tellme—whatdoyouthinkofhim?'"'Him?Well, for sizing-upa stranger,he'sgot themost suddenandaccuratejudgmentofanymanIeversaw.'"Itpleasedher.Ithoughtitwould."G. got away from Nauheim just in time to escape being shut in by thequarantine-barsonthefrontiers;andsodidwe,forweleftthenextday.ButG.had a great deal of trouble in getting by the Italian custom-house, and weshouldhavefaredlikewisebutforthethoughtfulnessofourconsul-generalinFrankfort.HeintroducedmetotheItalianconsul-general,andIbroughtawayfromthatconsulatealetterwhichmadeourwaysmooth.Itwasadozenlinesmerelycommendingmeinageneralwayto thecourtesiesofservants inhisItalianMajesty'sservice,butitwasmorepowerfulthanitlooked.Inadditionto a raft of ordinary baggage,we had six or eight trunkswhichwere filledexclusivelywithdutiable stuff—householdgoodspurchased inFrankfort foruse in Florence, where we had taken a house. I was going to ship these

throughbyexpress;butatthelastmomentanorderwentthroughoutGermanyforbidding the moving of any parcels by train unless the owner went withthem.Thiswasabadoutlook.Wemusttakethesethingsalong,andthedelaysuretobecausedbytheexaminationoftheminthecustom-housemightloseusourtrain.Iimaginedallsortsofterrors,andenlargedthemsteadilyasweapproachedtheItalianfrontier.Weweresix innumber,cloggedwithall thatbaggage, and Iwas courier for theparty—themost incapable one they everemployed.Wearrived,andpressedwiththecrowdintotheimmensecustom-house,andtheusualworries began; everybody crowding to the counter andbegging tohave his baggage examined first, and all hands clattering and chattering atonce.ItseemedtomethatIcoulddonothing;itwouldbebettertogiveitallupandgoawayandleavethebaggage.Icouldn'tspeakthelanguage;Ishouldneveraccomplishanything. Just thena tallhandsomeman ina fineuniformwaspassingbyandIknewhemustbethestation-master—andthatremindedmeofmy letter. I ran tohimandput it intohishands.He took itoutof theenvelope,andthemomenthiseyecaughttheroyalcoatofarmsprintedatitstop,hetookoffhiscapandmadeabeautifulbowtome,andsaidinEnglish:"Whichisyourbaggage?Pleaseshowittome."Ishowedhimthemountain.Nobodywasdisturbingit;nobodywasinterestedin it; all the family'sattempts togetattention to ithad failed—except in thecase of one of the trunks containing the dutiable goods. It was just beingopened.Myofficersaid:"There,letthatalone!Lockit.Nowchalkit.Chalkallofthelot.Nowpleasecomeandshowmethehand-baggage."Heplowedthroughthewaitingcrowd,Ifollowing,tothecounter,andhegaveordersagain,inhisemphaticmilitaryway:"Chalkthese.Chalkallofthem."Thenhetookoffhiscapandmadethatbeautifulbowagain,andwenthisway.By this time these attentions had attracted the wonder of that acre ofpassengers, and the whisper had gone around that the royal family werepresent getting their baggage chalked; and aswepassed down in reviewonourwaytothedoor,Iwasconsciousofapervadingatmosphereofenvywhichgavemedeepsatisfaction.But soon there was an accident. My overcoat pockets were stuffed withGermancigarsandlinenpackagesofAmericansmokingtobacco,andaporterwasfollowingusaroundwiththisovercoatonhisarm,andgraduallygettingitupsidedown.JustasI,intherearofmyfamily,movedbythesentinelsatthedoor,about threehatfulsof the tobaccotumbledoutonthefloor.Oneof thesoldiers pouncedupon it, gathered it up inhis arms, pointedbackwhence I

had come, andmarchedme ahead of him past that longwall of passengersagain—he chattering and exulting like a devil, they smiling in peaceful joy,andItryingtolookasifmypridewasnothurt,andasifIdidnotmindbeingbrought to shamebefore thesepleasedpeoplewhohad so lately enviedme.ButatheartIwascruellyhumbled.WhenIhadbeenmarchedtwo-thirdsofthelongdistanceandthemiseryofitwasattheworst,thestatelystation-mastersteppedoutfromsomewhere,andthesoldierleftmeanddartedafterhimandovertookhim;andIcouldseebythesoldier'sexcitedgestures thathewasbetraying tohim thewhole shabbybusiness.Thestation-masterwasplainlyveryangry.Hecamestridingdowntowardme, and when he was come near he began to pour out a stream ofindignantItalian;thensuddenlytookoffhishatandmadethatbeautifulbowandsaid:"Oh,itisyou!Ibegathousandspardons!Thisidiothere—-"Heturnedtotheexulting soldier andburstoutwitha floodofwhite-hot Italian lava, and thenextmomenthewasbowing,andthesoldierandIweremovinginprocessionagain—heintheleadandashamed,thistime,Iwithmychinup.Andsowemarchedbythecrowdoffascinatedpassengers,andIwentforth to the trainwiththehonorsofwar.Tobaccoandall.

CHAPTERXXI.

Manwill domany things to get himself loved, hewill do all things to gethimselfenvied.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.BeforeIsawAustraliaIhadneverheardofthe"weet-weet"atall.Imetbutfew men who had seen it thrown—at least I met but few who mentionedhaving seen it thrown. Roughly described, it is a fat wooden cigar with itsbutt-endfastenedtoaflexibletwig.Thewholethingisonlyacoupleoffeetlong, and weighs less than two ounces. This feather—so to call it—is notthrownthroughtheair,but is flungwithanunderhandedthrowandmadetostrikethegroundalittlewayinfrontofthethrower;thenitglancesandmakesalongskip;glancesagain,skipsagain,andagainandagain,liketheflatstonewhichaboysendsskatingoverthewater.Thewaterissmooth,andthestonehasagoodchance; soa strongmanmaymake it travel fiftyor seventy-fiveyards;but theweet-weethasnosuchgoodchance, for it strikessand,grass,andearthinitscourse.Yetanexpertaboriginalhassentitameasureddistanceof two hundred and twenty yards. It would have gone even further but itencountered rank ferns and underwood on its passage and they damaged its

speed.Twohundredandtwentyyards;andsoweightlessa toy—amouseontheendofabitofwire,ineffect;andnotsailingthroughtheaccommodatingair,butencounteringgrassandsandandstuffateveryjump.It lookswhollyimpossible;butMr.BroughSmythsawthefeatanddidthemeasuring,andsetdownthefactsinhisbookaboutaboriginallife,whichhewrotebycommandoftheVictorianGovernment.Whatisthesecretofthefeat?Nooneexplains.Itcannotbephysicalstrength,forthatcouldnotdrivesuchafeather-weightanydistance.Itmustbeart.Butnooneexplainswhattheartofitis;norhowitgetsaroundthatlawofnaturewhichsaysyoushallnotthrowanytwo-ouncething220yards,eitherthroughtheairorbumpingalongtheground.Rev.J.G.Woodssays:"Thedistance towhich theweet-weetorkangaroo-ratcanbe thrownis trulyastonishing. IhaveseenanAustralianstandatonesideofKenningtonOvalandthrowthekangarooratcompletelyacrossit."(WidthofKenningtonOvalnot stated.) "It darts through the air with the sharp andmenacing hiss of arifle-ball,itsgreatestheightfromthegroundbeingsomesevenoreightfeet......Whenproperlythrownitlooksjustlikealivinganimalleapingalong.... . . Its movements have a wonderful resemblance to the long leaps of akangaroo-ratfleeinginalarm,withitslongtailtrailingbehindit."TheOldSettlersaidthathehadseendistancesmadebytheweet-weet,intheearly days, which almost convinced him that it was as extraordinary aninstrumentastheboomerang.There must have been a large distribution of acuteness among those nakedskinny aboriginals, or they couldn't have been suchunapproachable trackersandboomerangersandweet-weeters.Itmusthavebeenrace-aversionthatputuponthemagooddealofthelow-rateintellectualreputationwhichtheybearandhavebornethislongtimeintheworld'sestimateofthem.Theywere lazy—always lazy. Perhaps that was their trouble. It is a killingdefect.Surelytheycouldhaveinventedandbuiltacompetenthouse,buttheydidn't.Andtheycouldhaveinventedanddevelopedtheagriculturalarts,buttheydidn't.Theywentnakedandhouseless,andlivedonfishandgrubsandwormsandwildfruits,andwerejustplainsavages,foralltheirsmartness.WithacountryasbigastheUnitedStatestoliveandmultiplyin,andwithnoepidemic diseases among them till the white man came with those and hisotherappliancesofcivilization,itisquiteprobablethattherewasneveradayinhishistorywhenhecouldmuster100,000ofhis race inallAustralia.Hediligentlyanddeliberatelykeptpopulationdownby infanticide—largely;butmainly by certain other methods. He did not need to practise theseartificialitiesanymoreafterthewhitemancame.Thewhitemanknewwaysofkeepingdownpopulationwhichwereworthseveralofhis.Thewhiteman

knewwaysofreducinganativepopulation80percent.in20years.Thenativehadneverseenanythingasfineasthatbefore.Forexample,thereisthecaseofthecountrynowcalledVictoria—acountryeighty times as large as Rhode Island, as I have already said. By the bestofficialguesstherewere4,500aboriginalsinitwhenthewhitescamealonginthe middle of the 'Thirties. Of these, 1,000 lived in Gippsland, a patch ofterritorythesizeoffifteenorsixteenRhodeIslands:theydidnotdiminishasfastassomeoftheothercommunities;indeed,attheendoffortyyearstherewerestill200ofthemleft.TheGeelongtribediminishedmoresatisfactorily:from173personsitfadedto34intwentyyears;attheendofanothertwentythe tribe numbered one person altogether. The twoMelbourne tribes couldmusteralmost300whenthewhitemancame; theycouldmusterbut twenty,thirty-sevenyearslater,in1875.InthatyeartherewerestilloddsandendsoftribesscatteredaboutthecolonyofVictoria,butIwastoldthatnativesoffullblood are very scarce now. It is said that the aboriginals continue in someforceinthehugeterritorycalledQueensland.The early whites were not used to savages. They could not understand theprimary lawofsavage life: that ifamandoyouawrong,hiswhole tribe isresponsible—eachindividualofit—andyoumaytakeyourchangeoutofanyindividual of it,without bothering to seekout theguiltyone.When awhitekilledanaboriginal,thetribeappliedtheancientlaw,andkilledthefirstwhitethey came across. To the whites this was amonstrous thing. Exterminationseemedtobethepropermedicineforsuchcreaturesasthis.Theydidnotkillall the blacks, but they promptly killed enough of them tomake their ownpersons safe.From thedawnof civilizationdown to thisday thewhitemanhas always used that very precaution. Mrs. Campbell Praed lived inQueensland,asachild, in theearlydays,and inher"SketchesofAustralianlife," we get informing pictures of the early struggles of the white and theblacktoreformeachother.SpeakingofpioneerdaysinthemightywildernessofQueensland,Mrs.Praedsays:"At first the natives retreated before thewhites; and, except that they everynow and then speared a beast in one of the herds, gave little cause foruneasiness. But, as the number of squatters increased, each one taking upmilesofcountryandbringingtwoorthreemeninhistrain,sothatshepherds'huts and stockmen's camps lay far apart, and defenseless in the midst ofhostiletribes,theBlacks'depredationsbecamemorefrequentandmurderwasnounusualevent."The lonelinessof theAustralianbushcanhardlybepainted inwords.Hereextendsmile aftermile of primeval forestwhere perhaps foot ofwhitemanhasnevertrod—interminablevistaswheretheeucalyptustreesreartheirlofty

trunksandspreadforththeirlankylimbs,fromwhichtheredgumoozesandhangsinfantasticpendantslikecrimsonstalactites;ravinesalongthesidesofwhichthelong-bladedgrassgrowsrankly;leveluntimberedplainsalternatingwithundulatingtractsofpasture,hereandtherebrokenbyastonyridge,steepgully,ordried-upcreek.Allwild,vastanddesolate;allthesamemonotonousgray coloring, exceptwhere thewattle,when in blossom, shows patches offeatherygold,orabeltofscrubliesgreen,glossy,andimpenetrableasIndianjungle."The solitude seems intensified by the strange sounds of reptiles, birds, andinsects,andbytheabsenceof largercreatures;ofwhichin theday-time, theonlyaudiblesignsare thestampedeofaherdofkangaroo,or therustleofawallabi,oradingostirring thegrassas itcreeps to its lair.But thereare thewhirring of locusts, the demoniac chuckle of the laughing jack-ass, thescreechingofcockatoosandparrots, thehissingof the frilled lizard,and thebuzzingofinnumerableinsectshiddenunderthedenseundergrowth.Andthenat night, the melancholy wailing of the curlews, the dismal howling ofdingoes,thediscordantcroakingoftree-frogs,mightwellshakethenervesofthesolitarywatcher."That is the theater for the drama.When you comprehend one or two otherdetails,youwillperceivehowwellsuitedfortroubleitwas,andhowloudlyitinvited it. The cattlemen's stations were scattered over that profoundwildernessmilesandmilesapart—ateachstationhalfadozenpersons.Therewasaplentyofcattle,theblacknativeswerealwaysill-nourishedandhungry.Thelandbelongedtothem.Thewhiteshadnotboughtit,andcouldn'tbuyit;forthetribeshadnochiefs,nobodyinauthority,nobodycompetenttosellandconvey; and the tribes themselves had no comprehension of the idea oftransferableownershipofland.Theoustedownersweredespisedbythewhiteinterlopers,andthisopinionwasnothiddenunderabushel.Morepromisingmaterialsforatragedycouldnothavebeencollated.LetMrs.Praedspeak:"AtNieNiestation,onedarknight,theunsuspectinghut-keeper,having,ashebelieved, securedhimself against assault,was lyingwrapped in his blanketssleeping profoundly. The Blacks crept stealthily down the chimney andbatteredinhisskullwhileheslept."Onecouldguessthewholedramafromthatlittletext.Thecurtainwasup.Itwouldnotfalluntilthemastershipofonepartyortheotherwasdetermined—andpermanently:"Therewastreacheryonbothsides.TheBlackskilledtheWhiteswhentheyfound themdefenseless, and theWhites slew theBlacks in awholesale andpromiscuousfashionwhichoffendedagainstmychildishsenseofjustice."Theywereregardedaslittleabovethelevelofbrutes,andinsomecaseswere

destroyedlikevermin."Here is an instance. A squatter, whose station was surrounded by Blacks,whomhesuspectedtobehostileandfromwhomhefearedanattack,parleyedwiththemfromhishouse-door.HetoldthemitwasChristmas-time—atimeatwhich all men, black or white, feasted; that there were flour, sugar-plums,good things in plenty in the store, and that hewouldmake for them such apuddingastheyhadneverdreamedof—agreatpuddingofwhichallmighteatandbefilled.TheBlackslistenedandwerelost.Thepuddingwasmadeanddistributed. Next morning there was howling in the camp, for it had beensweetenedwithsugarandarsenic!"Thewhiteman'sspiritwasright,buthismethodwaswrong.Hisspiritwasthespiritwhich the civilizedwhitehas always exhibited toward the savage, buttheuseofpoisonwasadeparturefromcustom.True,itwasmerelyatechnicaldeparture,notarealone;still, itwasadeparture,andthereforeamistake,inmy opinion. It was better, kinder, swifter, and much more humane than anumberof themethodswhichhavebeensanctifiedbycustom,but thatdoesnot justify its employment.That is, it does notwholly justify it. Its unusualnaturemakes it stand out and attract an amount of attentionwhich it is notentitledto.Ittakesholduponmorbidimaginationsandtheyworkitupintoasort of exhibition of cruelty, and this smirches the good name of ourcivilization,whereasoneoftheoldharshermethodswouldhavehadnosucheffectbecauseusagehasmadethosemethodsfamiliar tousandinnocent.Inmanycountrieswehavechainedthesavageandstarvedhimtodeath;andthiswedonotcare for,becausecustomhas inuredus to it;yetaquickdeathbypoisonislovingkindnesstoit.Inmanycountrieswehaveburnedthesavageatthestake;andthiswedonotcarefor,becausecustomhasinuredustoit;yeta quick death is loving kindness to it. In more than one country we havehuntedthesavageandhislittlechildrenandtheirmotherwithdogsandgunsthroughthewoodsandswampsforanafternoon'ssport,andfilledtheregionwithhappylaughterovertheirsprawlingandstumblingflight,andtheirwildsupplicationsformercy;butthismethodwedonotmind,becausecustomhasinuredustoit;yetaquickdeathbypoisonis lovingkindnessto it. Inmanycountrieswehavetakenthesavage'slandfromhim,andmadehimourslave,and lashed him every day, and broken his pride, and made death his onlyfriend,andoverworkedhimtillhedropped inhis tracks;and thiswedonotcare for, because customhas inured us to it; yet a quick death by poison islovingkindnesstoit.IntheMatabelelandtoday—why,thereweareconfiningourselves to sanctified custom,weRhodes-Beitmillionaires inSouthAfricaandDukesinLondon;andnobodycares,becauseweareusedtotheoldholycustoms,andallweaskisthatnonotice—invitingnewonesshallbeintrudedupon the attention of our comfortable consciences. Mrs. Praed says of thepoisoner, "That squatter deserves to have his name handed down to the

contemptofposterity."Iamsorrytohearhersaythat.Imyselfblamehimforonething,andseverely,but I stop there. I blame him for, the indiscretion of introducing a noveltywhich was calculated to attract attention to our civilization. There was nooccasiontodothat.Itwashisduty,anditiseveryloyalman'sdutytoprotectthat heritage in everyway he can; and the best way to do that is to attractattention elsewhere. The squatter's judgmentwas bad—that is plain; but hisheartwasright.Heisalmosttheonlypioneeringrepresentativeofcivilizationinhistorywhohasrisenabovetheprejudicesofhiscasteandhisheredityandtriedto introducetheelementofmercyintothesuperiorrace'sdealingswiththesavage.Hisnameislost,anditisapity;foritdeservestobehandeddowntoposteritywithhomageandreverence.ThisparagraphisfromaLondonjournal:"To learnwhatFrance is doing to spread theblessingsof civilization inherdistantdependencieswemay turnwithadvantage toNewCaledonia.Withaviewtoattractingfreesettlers to thatpenalcolony,M.Feillet, theGovernor,forciblyexpropriatedtheKanakacultivatorsfromthebestoftheirplantations,withaderisorycompensation,inspiteoftheprotestsoftheCouncilGeneraloftheisland.Suchimmigrantsascouldbeinducedtocrosstheseasthusfoundthemselves in possession of thousands of coffee, cocoa, banana, and bread-fruit trees, the raising of which had cost the wretched natives years of toilwhilst the latter had a few five-franc pieces to spend in the liquor stores ofNoumea."You observe the combination? It is robbery, humiliation, and slow, slowmurder, through poverty and the white man's whisky. The savage's gentlefriend, thesavage'snoble friend, theonlymagnanimousandunselfishfriendthesavagehaseverhad,wasnot therewith themercifulswift releaseofhispoisonedpudding.Therearemanyhumorous things in theworld;among them thewhiteman'snotion that he is less savage than the other savages.—[See Chapter onTasmania,post.]

CHAPTERXXII.

Nothingissoignorantasaman'slefthand,exceptalady'swatch.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.YounoticethatMrs.Praedknowsherart.Shecanplaceathingbeforeyousothatyoucanseeit.Sheisnotaloneinthat.Australiaisfertileinwriterswhose

books are faithful mirrors of the life of the country and of its history. Thematerials were surprisingly rich, both in quality and in mass, and MarcusClarke,RaolphBoldrewood,Gordon,Kendall,and theothers,havebuiltoutof them a brilliant and vigorous literature, and one which must endure.Materials—thereisnoendtothem!Why,aliteraturemightbemadeoutoftheaboriginalallbyhimself,hischaracterandwaysaresofreckledwithvarieties—varietiesnotstaledbyfamiliarity,butnewtous.Youdonotneedtoinventanypicturesquenesses;whateveryouwantinthatlinehecanfurnishyou;andtheywillnotbefanciesanddoubtful,butrealitiesandauthentic.Inhishistory,aspreservedbythewhiteman'sofficialrecords,heiseverything—everythingthatahumancreaturecanbe.Hecoverstheentireground.Heisacoward—thereareathousandfacttoproveit.Heisbrave—thereareathousandfactstoproveit.Heistreacherous—oh,beyondimagination!heisfaithful,loyal,true—thewhiteman'srecordssupplyyouwithaharvestofinstancesofitthatarenoble, worshipful, and pathetically beautiful. He kills the starving strangerwhocomesbeggingforfoodandshelterthereisproofofit.Hesuccors,andfeeds, and guides to safety, to-day, the lost strangerwho fired on him onlyyesterday—thereisproofofit.Hetakeshisreluctantbridebyforce,hecourtsherwithaclub, thenlovesherfaithfullythroughalonglife—itisofrecord.Hegatherstohimselfanotherwifebythesameprocesses,beatsandbangsherasadailydiversion,andbyandbylaysdownhis life indefendingherfromsomeoutsideharm—itisofrecord.Hewillfaceahundredhostilestorescueoneofhischildren,andwillkillanotherofhischildrenbecausethefamilyislarge enoughwithout it.His delicate stomach turns, at certain details of thewhiteman'sfood;buthelikesover-ripefish,andbrazeddog,andcat,andrat,andwill eathisownunclewith relish.He is a sociableanimal,yethe turnsaside and hides behind his shield when his mother-in-law goes by. He ischildishlyafraidofghostsandothertrivialitiesthatmenacehissoul,butdreadofphysicalpainisaweaknesswhichheisnotacquaintedwith.Heknowsallthegreatandmanyofthelittleconstellations,andhasnamesforthem;hehasa symbol-writing bymeans ofwhich he can conveymessages far andwideamong the tribes;hehasacorrecteyefor formandexpression,anddrawsagoodpicture;hecantrackafugitivebydelicatetraceswhichthewhiteman'seyecannotdiscern,andbymethodswhichthefinestwhiteintelligencecannotmaster;hemakesamissilewhichscience itselfcannotduplicatewithout themodel—ifwithit;amissilewhosesecretbaffledanddefeatedthesearchingsandtheorizingsof thewhitemathematiciansforseventyyears;andbyanartallhisownheperformsmiracleswithitwhichthewhitemancannotapproachuntaught, nor parallel after teaching. Within certain limits this savage'sintellectisthealertestandthebrightestknowntohistoryortradition;andyetthepoorcreaturewasneverabletoinventacountingsystemthatwouldreachabovefive,noravesselthathecouldboilwaterin.Heistheprize-curiosityof

alltheraces.Toallintentsandpurposesheisdead—inthebody;buthehasfeaturesthatwillliveinliterature.Mr.PhilipChauncy,anofficeroftheVictorianGovernment,contributedtoitsarchivesareportofhispersonalobservationsoftheaboriginalswhichhasinitsome thingswhichIwish tocondenseslightlyand inserthere.Hespeaksofthequicknessoftheireyesandtheaccuracyoftheirjudgmentofthedirectionof approaching missiles as being quite extraordinary, and of the answeringsupplenessandaccuracyoflimbandmuscleinavoidingthemissileasbeingextraordinaryalso.Hehasseenanaboriginalstandasatargetforcricket-ballsthrown with great force ten or fifteen yards, by professional bowlers, andsuccessfully dodge themor parry themwith his shield during about half anhour. One of those balls, properly placed, could have killed him; "Yet hedepended,withtheutmostself-possession,onthequicknessofhiseyeandhisagility."The shield was the customary war-shield of his race, and would not be aprotectiontoyouortome.It isnobroaderthanastovepipe,andisaboutaslongasaman'sarm.Theopposingsurfaceisnotflat,butslopesawayfromthecenterline likeaboat'sbow.Thedifficultyaboutacricket-ball thathasbeenthrownwithascientific"twist"is,thatitsuddenlychangesitscoursewhenitisclose to its targetandcomesstraight for themarkwhenapparently itwasgoingoverheadortooneside.Ishouldnotbeabletoprotectmyselffromsuchballsforhalf-an-hour,orless.Mr.Chauncy once saw "a little nativeman" throw a cricket-ball 119 yards.ThisissaidtobeattheEnglishprofessionalrecordbythirteenyards.Wehaveall seen thecircus-manbound into theair froma spring-boardandmakeasomersaultovereighthorsesstandingsidebyside.Mr.Chauncysawanaboriginaldoitovereleven;andwasassuredthathehadsometimesdoneitoverfourteen.Butwhatisthattothis:"Isawthesameman leapfromtheground,and ingoingoverhedippedhishead,unaidedbyhishands,intoahatplacedinaninvertedpositiononthetopoftheheadofanothermansittinguprightonhorseback—bothmanandhorsebeingoftheaveragesize.Thenativelandedontheothersideofthehorsewiththehatfairlyonhishead.Theprodigiousheightoftheleap,andtheprecisionwith which it was taken so as to enable him to dip his head into the hat,exceededanyfeatofthekindIhaveeverbeheld."Ishouldthinkso!OnboardashiplatelyIsawayoungOxfordathleterunfourstepsandspringintotheairandsquirmhishipsbyaside-twistoverabarthatwasfiveandone-halffeethigh;buthecouldnothavestoodstillandclearedabarthatwasfourfeethigh.Iknowthis,becauseItrieditmyself.Onecanseenowwherethekangaroolearneditsart.

SirGeorgeGrey andMr.Eyre testify that the natives dugwells fourteenorfifteenfeetdeepandtwofeetindiameteratthebore—dugtheminthesand—wellsthatwere"quitecircular,carriedstraightdown,andtheworkbeautifullyexecuted."Theirtoolsweretheirhandsandfeet.Howdidtheythrowsandoutfromsuchadepth?Howcouldtheystoopdownandgetit,withonlytwofeetofspacetostoopin?Howdidtheykeepthatsand-pipefromcavinginonthem?Idonotknow. Still, they did manage those seeming impossibilities. Swallowed thesand,maybe.Mr.Chauncyspeakshighlyof thepatienceandskillandalert intelligenceofthe native huntsman when he is stalking the emu, the kangaroo, and othergame:"Ashewalks through thebushhis step is light, elastic, andnoiseless; everytrackontheearthcatcheshiskeeneye;aleaf,orfragmentofastickturned,ora blade of grass recently bent by the tread of one of the lower animals,instantlyarrestshisattention;infact,nothingescapeshisquickandpowerfulsight on the ground, in the trees, or in the distance,whichmay supply himwithamealorwarnhimofdanger.Alittleexaminationofthetrunkofatreewhichmaybenearlycoveredwith the scratchesofopossumsascendinganddescendingissufficient to informhimwhetheronewentup thenightbeforewithoutcomingdownagainornot."FennimoreCooperlosthischance.Hewouldhaveknownhowtovaluethesepeople.Hewouldn'thavetradedthedullestofthemforthebrightestMohawkheeverinvented.All savages draw outline pictures upon bark; but the resemblances are notclose, and expression is usually lacking. But the Australian aboriginal'spicturesofanimalswerenicelyaccurateinform,attitude,carriage;andheputspiritintothem,andexpression.Andhispicturesofwhitepeopleandnativeswereprettynearlyasgoodashispicturesoftheotheranimals.Hedressedhiswhites in the fashionof their day, both the ladies and thegentlemen.As anuntaught wielder of the pencil it is not likely that he has his equal amongsavagepeople.His place in art—as to drawing, not color-work—is well up, all thingsconsidered.Hisartisnottobeclassifiedwithsavageartatall,butonaplanetwodegreesaboveitandonedegreeabovethelowestplaneofcivilizedart.Tobeexact,hisplaceinartisbetweenBotticelliandDeMaurier.Thatistosay,hecouldnotdrawaswellasDeMaurierbutbetterthanBoticelli.Infeeling,he resembles both; also in grouping and in his preferences in thematter ofsubjects.His"corrobboree"oftheAustralianwildsreappearsinDeMaurier'sBelgravian ballrooms, with clothes and the smirk of civilization added;

Botticelli's "Spring" is the "corrobboree" further idealized, but with fewerclothesandmoresmirk.Andwellenoughastointention,but—myword!Theaboriginalcanmakeafirebyfriction.Ihavetriedthat.All savages are able to stand a good deal of physical pain. The Australianaboriginal has this quality in a well-developed degree. Do not read thefollowinginstancesifhorrorsarenotpleasanttoyou.TheywererecordedbytheRev.HenryN.Wolloston,ofMelbourne,whohadbeenasurgeonbeforehebecameaclergyman:1."Inthesummerof1852IstartedonhorsebackfromAlbany,KingGeorge'sSound,tovisitatCapeRiche,accompaniedbyanativeonfoot.Wetraveledabout forty miles the first day, then camped by a water-hole for the night.After cooking and eating our supper, I observed the native, who had saidnothingtomeonthesubject,collect thehotembersof thefire together,anddeliberately place his right foot in the glowing mass for a moment, thensuddenly withdraw it, stamping on the ground and uttering a long-drawnguttural sound ofmingled pain and satisfaction. This operation he repeatedseveral times.Onmy inquiring themeaningof his strange conduct, heonlysaid,'Mecarpenter-make'em'('Iammendingmyfoot'),andthenshowedmehischarredgreattoe,thenailofwhichhadbeentornoffbyatea-treestump,inwhichithadbeencaughtduringthejourney,andthepainofwhichhehadbornewithstoicalcomposureuntiltheevening,whenhehadanopportunityofcauterizingthewoundintheprimitivemannerabovedescribed."Andheproceededonthejourneythenextday,"asifnothinghadhappened"—andwalkedthirtymiles.Itwasastrangeidea,tokeepasurgeonandthendohisownsurgery.2."Anativeabouttwenty-fiveyearsofageonceappliedtome,asadoctor,toextractthewoodenbarbofaspear,which,duringafightinthebushsomefourmonthspreviously,hadenteredhischest,justmissingtheheart,andpenetratedthe viscera to a considerable depth.The spear had been cut off, leaving thebarbbehind,which continued to force itswaybymuscular actiongraduallytoward the back; and when I examined him I could feel a hard substancebetweentheribsbelowtheleftblade-bone.Imadeadeepincision,andwithapair of forceps extracted the barb,whichwasmade, as usual, of hardwoodabout four inches long and from half an inch to an inch thick. It was verysmooth, and partly digested, so to speak, by themaceration towhich it hadbeen exposed during its fourmonths' journey through the body.Thewoundmadeby the spear had long since healed, leavingonly a small cicatrix; andafter the operation,which the native borewithout flinching, he appeared tosuffernopain.Indeed,judgingfromhisgoodstateofhealth,thepresenceofthe foreignmatter didnotmaterially annoyhim.Hewasperfectlywell in afewdays."

ButNo.3ismyfavorite.WheneverIreaditIseemtoenjoyallthatthepatientenjoyed—whateveritwas:3."OnceatKingGeorge'sSoundanativepresentedhimself tomewithonelegonly,andrequestedmetosupplyhimwithawoodenleg.Hehadtraveledin thismaimedstateaboutninety-sixmiles, for thispurpose. Iexamined thelimb,whichhadbeenseveredjustbelowtheknee,andfoundthatithadbeencharred by fire, while about two inches of the partially calcined boneprotrudedthroughtheflesh.Iatonceremovedthiswiththesaw;andhavingmadeaspresentableastumpofitasIcould,coveredtheamputatedendofthebonewithasurroundingofmuscle,andkeptthepatientafewdaysundermycaretoallowthewoundtoheal.Oninquiring,thenativetoldmethatinafightwith other black-fellows a spear had struck his leg and penetrated the bonebelowtheknee.Findingitwasserious,hehadrecoursetothefollowingcrudeand barbarous operation, which it appears is not uncommon among thesepeople in theirnativestate.Hemadeafire,anddugahole in theearthonlysufficientlylargetoadmithisleg,anddeepenoughtoallowthewoundedparttobeonalevelwiththesurfaceoftheground.Hethensurroundedthelimbwith the live coals or charcoal, which was replenished until the leg wasliterally burnt off. The cauterization thus applied completely checked thehemorrhage,andhewasable inadayor two tohobbledown to theSound,with theaidofa longstout stick,althoughhewasmore thanaweekon theroad."Buthewas a fastidiousnative.He soondiscarded thewooden legmade forhimbythedoctor,because"ithadnofeelinginit."Itmusthavehadasmuchastheoneheburntoff,Ishouldthink.SomuchfortheAboriginals.Itisdifficultformetoletthemalone.Theyaremarvelouslyinterestingcreatures.Foraquarterofacentury,now,theseveralcolonialgovernmentshavehousedtheirremnantsincomfortablestations,andfedthemwellandtakengoodcareofthemineveryway.IfIhadfoundthisoutwhile Iwas inAustralia I couldhave seen someof thosepeople—but Ididn't.Iwouldwalkthirtymilestoseeastuffedone.Australiahasaslangofitsown.Thisisamatterofcourse.Thevastcattleandsheep industries, the strange aspects of the country, and the strange nativeanimals, brute and human, arematters whichwould naturally breed a localslang. Ihavenotesof thisslangsomewhere,butat themoment Icancall tomind only a few of the words and phrases. They are expressive ones. Thewide,sterile,unpeopleddesertshavecreatedeloquentphraseslike"NoMan'sLand"andthe"Never-neverCountry."Alsothisfelicitousform:"ShelivesintheNever-never Country"—that is, she is an oldmaid. And this one is notwithoutmerit:"heifer-paddock"—youngladies'seminary."Bailup"and"stickup"equivalentofourhighwayman-termto"holdup"astage-coachoratrain.

"New-chum"istheequivalentofour"tenderfoot"—newarrival.Andthenthereistheimmortal"Myword!"Wemustimportit."M-yword!"Incoldprint it is theequivalentofour"Ger-rreatCaesar!"butspokenwith theproper Australian unction and fervency, it is worth six of it for grace andcharmandexpressiveness.Ourformisrudeandexplosive;itisnotsuitedtothedrawing-roomortheheifer-paddock;but"M-yword!"is,andismusictothe ear, too,when the utterer knows how to say it. I saw it in print severaltimeson thePacificOcean,but it struckmecoldly, it arousednosympathy.Thatwasbecauseitwasthedeadcorpseofthething,thesoulwasnotthere—the tones were lacking—the informing spirit—the deep feeling—theeloquence. But the first time I heard an Australian say it, it was positivelythrilling.

CHAPTERXXIII.

Becarelessinyourdressifyoumust,butkeepatidysoul.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.We left Adelaide in due course, and went to Horsham, in the colony ofVictoria; a good deal of a journey, if I remember rightly, but pleasant.Horshamsitsinaplainwhichisaslevelasafloor—oneofthosefamousdeadlevels which Australian books describe so often; gray, bare, sombre,melancholy, baked, cracked, in the tedious long drouths, but a horizonlessocean of vivid green grass the day after a rain. A country town, peaceful,reposeful, inviting, full of snug homes, with garden plots, and plenty ofshrubberyandflowers."Horsham,October17.At thehotel.Theweatherdivine.Across theway, infrontoftheLondonBankofAustralia,isaveryhandsomecottonwood.Itisinopulentleaf,andeveryleafperfect.Thefullpoweroftheon-rushingspringisuponit,andIimagineIcanseeitgrow.Alongsidethebankandalittlewayback in the garden there is a row of soaring fountain-sprays of delicatefeatheryfoliagequiveringinthebreeze,andmottledwithflashesoflightthatshift and play through the mass like flash-lights through an opal—a mostbeautiful tree, and a striking contrast to the cottonwood. Every leaf of thecottonwood is distinctly defined—it is a kodak for faithful, hard,unsentimentaldetail;theotheranimpressionistpicture,delicioustolookupon,fullofasubtleandexquisitecharm,butalldetailsfusedinaswoonofvagueandsoftloveliness."Itturnedout,uponinquiry,tobeapeppertree—animportationfromChina.Ithas a silky sheen, soft and rich. I saw some that had long red bunches of

currant-like berries ambushed among the foliage. At a distance, in certainlights,theygivethetreeapinkishtintandanewcharm.ThereisanagriculturalcollegeeightmilesfromHorsham.Weweredrivenouttoitbyitschief.Theconveyancewasanopenwagon;thetime,noonday;nowind; theskywithoutacloud, thesunshinebrilliant—andthemercuryat92deg.intheshade.Insomecountriesanindolentunsheltereddriveofanhourandahalfundersuchconditionswouldhavebeenaswelteringandprostratingexperience; but therewas nothing of that in this case. It is a climate that isperfect.Therewasnosenseofheat;indeed,therewasnoheat;theairwasfineandpureandexhilarating;ifthedrivehadlastedhalfadayIthinkweshouldnothavefeltanydiscomfort,orgrownsilentordroopyortired.Ofcourse,thesecretofitwastheexceedingdrynessoftheatmosphere.Inthatplain112deg.in theshade iswithoutdoubtnoharderuponamanthan is88or90deg. inNewYork.Theroadlaythroughthemiddleofanemptyspacewhichseemedtometobeahundredyardswidebetweenthefences.Iwasnotgiventhewidthinyards,butonly inchainsandperches—andfurlongs, I think. Iwouldhavegivenagooddealtoknowwhatthewidthwas,butIdidnotpursuethematter.Ithinkitisbesttoputupwithinformationthewayyougetit;andseemsatisfiedwithit,andsurprisedatit,andgratefulforit,andsay,"Myword!"andneverleton.Itwas awide space; I could tell you howwide, in chains and perches andfurlongsandthings,butthatwouldnothelpyouany.Thosethingssoundwell,buttheyareshadowyandindefinite,liketroyweightandavoirdupois;nobodyknowswhat theymean.Whenyoubuyapoundofadrugand themanasksyouwhichyouwant,troyoravoirdupois,itisbesttosay"Yes,"andshiftthesubject.Theysaidthatthewidespacedatesfromtheearliestsheepandcattle-raisingdays. People had to drive their stock long distances—immense journeys—fromworn-outplacestonewoneswherewerewaterandfreshpasturage;andthiswidespacehadtobeleftingrassandunfenced,orthestockwouldhavestarvedtodeathinthetransit.On the way we saw the usual birds—the beautiful little green parrots, themagpie,andsomeothers;andalsotheslendernativebirdofmodestplumageandtheeternally-forgettablename—thebirdthatisthesmartestamongbirds,andcangiveaparrot30to1inthegameandthentalkhimtodeath.Icannotrecall that bird's name. I think it beginswithM. Iwish it beganwithG. orsomethingthatapersoncanremember.Themagpiewas out in great force, in the fields and on the fences.He is ahandsomelargecreature,withsnowywhitedecorations,andisasinger;hehasamurmurousrichnotethatislovely.Hewasoncemodest,evendiffident;buthelostallthatwhenhefoundoutthathewasAustralia'ssolemusicalbird.He

has talent, and cuteness, and impudence; and in his tame state he is amostsatisfactory pet—never coming when he is called, always coming when heisn't,andstudyingdisobedienceasanaccomplishment.Heisnotconfined,butloafs all over the house and grounds, like the laughing jackass. I think helearnstotalk,Iknowhelearnstosingtunes,andhisfriendssaythatheknowshow to steal without learning. I was acquainted with a tame magpie inMelbourne. He had lived in a lady's house several years, and believed heowned it.The ladyhad tamedhim,and in returnhehad tamed the lady.Hewas always on deckwhen notwanted, always having his ownway, alwaystyrannizingoverthedog,andalwaysmakingthecat'slifeaslowsorrowandamartyrdom.Heknewanumberof tunesandcouldsingtheminperfect timeandtune;andwoulddoit,too,atanytimethatsilencewaswanted;andthenencorehimselfanddo itagain;but ifhewasasked tosinghewouldgooutandtakeawalk.ItwaslongbelievedthatfruittreeswouldnotgrowinthatbakedandwaterlessplainaroundHorsham,buttheagriculturalcollegehasdissipatedthatidea.Itsamplenurserieswereproducingoranges,apricots,lemons,almonds,peaches,cherries, 48 varieties of apples—in fact, all manner of fruits, and inabundance.The treesdidnot seem tomiss thewater; theywere invigorousandflourishingcondition.Experiments aremadewith different soils, to seewhat things thrive best inthemandwhatclimatesarebestforthem.AmanwhoisignorantlytryingtoproduceuponhisfarmthingsnotsuitedtoitssoilanditsotherconditionscanmakeajourneytothecollegefromanywhereinAustralia,andgobackwithachangeofschemewhichwillmakehisfarmproductiveandprofitable.Therewerefortypupilsthere—afewofthemfarmers,relearningtheir trade,therestyoungmenmainlyfromthecities—novices.Itseemedastrangethingthatanagriculturalcollegeshouldhaveanattractionforcity-bredyouths,butsuch is the fact. They are good stuff, too; they are above the agriculturalaverage of intelligence, and they come without any inherited prejudices infavorofhoaryignorancesmadesacredbylongdescent.Thestudentsworkalldayinthefields,thenurseries,andtheshearing-sheds,learning and doing all the practical work of the business—three days in aweek. On the other three they study and hear lectures. They are taught thebeginnings of such sciences as bear upon agriculture—like chemistry, forinstance.Wesawthesophomoreclassinsheep-shearingshearadozensheep.Theydid it byhand,notwith themachine.The sheepwas seizedand flungdownonhissideandheldthere;andthestudentstookoffhiscoatwithgreatcelerityandadroitness.Sometimestheyclippedoffasampleofthesheep,butthatiscustomarywithshearers,andtheydon'tmindit;theydon'tevenminditasmuch as the sheep.Theydab a splotchof sheep-dipon theplace andgo

rightahead.Thecoatofwoolwasunbelievablythick.Beforetheshearingthesheeplookedlike the fat woman in the circus; after it he looked like a bench. He wasclippedtotheskin;andsmoothlyanduniformly.Thefleececomesfromhimallinonepieceandhasthespreadofablanket.ThecollegewasflyingtheAustralianflag—thegridironofEnglandsmuggledupinthenorthwestcornerofabigredfieldthathadtherandomstarsoftheSouthernCrosswanderingaroundoverit.FromHorshamwewent to Stawell. By rail. Still in the colony ofVictoria.Stawell is in the gold-mining country. In the bank-safe was half a peck ofsurface-gold—gold dust, grain gold; rich; pure in fact, and pleasant to siftthrough one's fingers; and would be pleasanter if it would stick. And therewereacoupleofgoldbricks,veryheavytohandle,andworth$7,500apiece.Theywerefromaveryvaluablequartzmine;aladyownstwo-thirdsofit;shehasanincomeof$75,000amonthfromit,andisabletokeephouse.TheStawellregionisnotproductiveofgoldonly;ithasgreatvineyards,andproduces exceptionally fine wines. One of these vineyards—the GreatWestern, owned by Mr. Irving—is regarded as a model. Its product hasreputationabroad.Ityieldsachoicechampagneandafineclaret,anditshocktook a prize in France two or three years ago. The champagne is kept in amaze of passages under ground, cut in the rock, to secure it an eventemperatureduringthethree-yeartermrequiredtoperfectit.InthosevaultsIsaw120,000bottlesofchampagne.ThecolonyofVictoriahasapopulationof1,000,000,andthosepeoplearesaidtodrink25,000,000bottlesofchampagneper year. The dryest community on the earth. The government has latelyreduced the duty upon foreign wines. That is one of the unkindnesses ofProtection.Amaninvestsyearsofworkandavastsumofmoneyinaworthyenterprise, upon the faith of existing laws; then the law is changed, and themanisrobbedbyhisowngovernment.OnthewaybacktoStawellwehadachancetoseeagroupofboulderscalledtheThreeSisters—acuriosityoddlylocated;foritwasuponhighground,withthe land sloping away from it, and no height above it from whence theboulders couldhave rolleddown.Relicsof an early ice-drift, perhaps.Theyare noble boulders. One of them has the size and smoothness and plumpsphericityofaballoonofthebiggestpattern.The road led through a forest of great gum-trees, lean and scraggy andsorrowful. The road was cream-white—a clayey kind of earth, apparently.Alongittoiledoccasionalfreightwagons,drawnbylongdoublefilesofoxen.Thosewagonswere going a journey of two hundredmiles, Iwas told, andwererunningasuccessfuloppositiontotherailway!Therailwaysareowned

andrunbythegovernment.Thosesadgumsstoodupoutof thedrywhiteclay,picturesofpatienceandresignation.Itisatreethatcangetalongwithoutwater;stillitisfondofit—ravenously so. It is a very intelligent tree and will detect the presence ofhiddenwateratadistanceoffiftyfeet,andsendoutslenderlongroot-fibrestoprospectit.Theywillfindit;andwillalsogetatiteventhroughacementwallsixinchesthick.Onceacementwater-pipeundergroundatStawellbegantogradually reduce its output, and finally ceased altogether to deliver water.Uponexaminingintothematter itwasfoundstoppedup,waddedcompactlywith amass of root-fibres, delicate and hair-like.How this stuff had gottenintothepipewasapuzzleforsomelittletime;finallyitwasfoundthatithadcreptinthroughacrackthatwasalmostinvisibletotheeye.Agumtreefortyfeetawayhadtappedthepipeandwasdrinkingthewater.

CHAPTERXXIV.

There isnosuch thingas"theQueen'sEnglish."Thepropertyhasgone intothehandsofajointstockcompanyandweownthebulkoftheshares!—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.Frequently, inAustralia,onehascloud-effectsofanunfamiliar sort.Wehadthiskindof scenery, finely staged, all theway toBallarat.Consequentlywesawmoreskythancountryonthatjourney.Atonetimeagreatstretchofthevault was densely flecked with wee ragged-edged flakes of painfully whitecloud-stuff, all of one shape and size, and equidistant apart, with narrowcracks of adorable blue showing between. The whole was suggestive of ahurricane of snow-flakes drifting across the skies. By and by these flakesfused themselves together in interminable lines, with shady faint hollowsbetween the lines, the long satin-surfaced rollers following each other insimulatedmovement,andenchantinglycounterfeitingthemajesticmarchofaflowingsea.Later, the sea solidified itself; thengraduallybrokeup itsmassintoinnumerableloftywhitepillarsofaboutonesize,andrangedtheseacrossthe firmament, in receding and fading perspective, in the similitude of astupendouscolonnade—amiragewithoutadoubtflungfromthefarGatesoftheHereafter.TheapproachestoBallaratwerebeautiful.Thefeatures,greatgreenexpansesof rolling pasture-land, bisected by eye-contenting hedges of comminglednew-goldandold-goldgorse—andalovelylake.Onemustput in thepause,there, tofetch thereaderupwithaslight jolt,andkeephimfromglidingbywithout noticing the lake. One must notice it; for a lovely lake is not as

commonathingalongtherailwaysofAustraliaasarethedryplaces.Ninety-two in the shade again, but balmy and comfortable, fresh and bracing. Aperfectclimate.Forty-fiveyearsagothesitenowoccupiedbytheCityofBallaratwasasylvansolitudeasquietasEdenandaslovely.Nobodyhadeverheardofit.Onthe25thofAugust,1851, thefirstgreatgold-strikemadeinAustraliawasmadehere.Thewanderingprospectorswhomade it scrapedup twopounds and ahalfofgoldthefirstday-worth$600.Afewdayslatertheplacewasahive—atown.Thenewsofthestrikespreadeverywhereinasortofinstantaneousway—spreadlikeaflashtotheveryendsoftheearth.Acelebritysopromptandso universal has hardly been paralleled in history, perhaps. It was as if thenameBALLARAThadsuddenlybeenwrittenonthesky,wherealltheworldcouldreaditatonce.ThesmallerdiscoveriesmadeinthecolonyofNewSouthWalesthreemonthsbeforehadalreadystartedemigrantstowardAustralia;theyhadbeencomingasastream,buttheycameasaflood,now.Ahundredthousandpeoplepouredinto Melbourne from England and other countries in a single month, andflockedawaytothemines.Thecrewsoftheshipsthatbroughtthemflockedwiththem;theclerksinthegovernmentofficesfollowed;sodidthecooks,themaids,thecoachmen,thebutlers,andtheotherdomesticservants;sodidthecarpenters,thesmiths,theplumbers,thepainters,thereporters,theeditors,thelawyers, theclients, thebarkeepers, thebummers, theblacklegs, the thieves,the loose women, the grocers, the butchers, the bakers, the doctors, thedruggists, the nurses; so did the police; even officials of high and hithertoenviedplacethrewuptheirpositionsandjoinedtheprocession.ThisroaringavalanchesweptoutofMelbourneandleftitdesolate,Sunday-like,paralyzed,everything at a stand-still, the ships lying idle at anchor, all signs of lifedeparted, all sounds stilled save the rasping of the cloud-shadows as theyscrapedacrossthevacantstreets.ThatgrassyandleafyparadiseatBallaratwassoonrippedopen,andlaceratedandscarifiedandgutted,inthefeverishsearchforitshiddenriches.Thereisnothinglikesurface-miningtosnatchthegracesandbeautiesandbenignitiesoutofaparadise,andmakeanodiousandrepulsivespectacleofit.What fortunesweremade! Immigrantsgot richwhile the shipunloadedandreloaded—andwentbackhomeforgoodinthesamecabintheyhadcomeoutin!Notallofthem.Onlysome.IsawtheothersinBallaratmyself,forty-fiveyears later—whatwereleftof thembytimeanddeathandthedispositiontorove.Theywereyoungandgay,then;theyarepatriarchalandgrave,now;andtheydonotgetexcitedanymore.TheytalkofthePast.Theyliveinit.Theirlifeisadream,aretrospection.Ballarat was a great region for "nuggets." No such nuggets were found in

California as Ballarat produced. In fact, the Ballarat region has yielded thelargestonesknowntohistory.Twoofthemweighedabout180poundseach,andtogetherwereworth$90,000.Theywereofferedtoanypoorpersonwhowouldshoulderthemandcarrythemaway.Goldwassoplentifulthatitmadepeopleliberallikethat.Ballaratwasaswarmingcityoftentsintheearlydays.Everybodywashappy,for a time, and apparently prosperous. Then came trouble. The governmentswoopeddownwithaminingtax.Andinitsworstform,too;foritwasnotataxuponwhattheminerhadtakenout,butuponwhathewasgoingtotakeout—ifhecouldfindit. Itwasa license-tax—licensetoworkhisclaim—andithadtobepaidbeforehecouldbegindigging.Consider the situation. No business is so uncertain as surface-mining. Yourclaimmaybegood,and itmaybeworthless. Itmaymakeyouwelloff inamonth;andthenagainyoumayhavetodigandslaveforhalfayear,atheavyexpense, only to find out at last that the gold is not there in cost-payingquantity, and that your time and your hardwork have been thrown away. Itmightbewisepolicytoadvancethemineramonthlysumtoencouragehimtodevelopthecountry'sriches;buttotaxhimmonthlyinadvanceinstead—why,suchathingwasneverdreamedofinAmerica.There,neithertheclaimitselfnoritsproducts,howsoeverrichorpoor,weretaxed.TheBallaratminersprotested,petitioned,complained—itwasofnouse; thegovernment held its ground, and went on collecting the tax. And not bypleasant methods, but by ways which must have been very galling to freepeople.Therumblingsofacomingstormbegantobeaudible.Byandbytherewasaresult;andI thinkitmaybecalledthefinest thinginAustralasianhistory.Itwasarevolution—smallinsize;butgreatpolitically;itwasastrikeforliberty,astruggleforaprinciple,astandagainstinjusticeandoppression.ItwastheBaronsandJohn,overagain;itwasHampdenandShip-Money;itwasConcordandLexington;smallbeginnings,allofthem,butallof them great in political results, all of them epoch-making. It is anotherinstanceofavictorywonbyalostbattle.Itaddsanhonorablepagetohistory;thepeopleknow it andareproudof it.Theykeepgreen thememoryof themenwhofellattheEurekaStockade,andPeterLalorhashismonument.Thesurface-soilofBallaratwasfullofgold.Thissoil theminersrippedandtore and trenched and harried and disembowled, and made it yield up itsimmense treasure. Then they went down into the earth with deep shafts,seekingthegravellybedsofancientriversandbrooks—andfoundthem.Theyfollowedthecoursesofthesestreams,andguttedthem,sendingthegravelupinbucketstotheupperworld,andwashingoutofititsenormousdepositsofgold. The next biggest of the two monster nuggets mentioned above camefromanoldriver-channel180feetunderground.

Finallythequartzlodeswereattacked.Thatisnotpoor-man'smining.Quartz-mining and milling require capital, and staying-power, and patience. Bigcompanieswere formed, and for several decades, now, the lodes have beensuccessfullyworked,andhaveyieldedgreatwealth.Sincethegolddiscoveryin1853theBallaratmines—takingthethreekindsofminingtogether—havecontributed to the world's pocket something over three hundredmillions ofdollars, which is to say that this nearly invisible little spot on the earth'ssurfacehas yielded about one-fourth asmuchgold in forty-four years as allCaliforniahasyieldedinforty-seven.TheCalifornianaggregate,from1848to1895, inclusive, as reported by theStatistician of theUnitedStatesMint, is$1,265,217,217.Acitizentoldmeacuriousthingaboutthosemines.WithallmyexperienceofminingIhadneverheardofanythingof thesortbefore.Themaingold reefrunsaboutnorthandsouth—ofcourse—forthat is thecustomofarichgoldreef.AtBallaratitscourseisbetweenwallsofslate.Nowthecitizentoldmethatthroughoutastretchoftwelvemilesalongthereef,thereefiscrossedatintervalsbyastraightblackstreakofacarbonaceousnature—astreakin theslate;astreaknothickerthanapencil—andthatwhereveritcrossesthereefyouwillcertainlyfindgoldatthejunction.ItiscalledtheIndicator.ThirtyfeetoneachsideoftheIndicator(anddownintheslate,ofcourse)isastillfinerstreak—astreakasfineasapencilmark;andindeed, that is itsnamePencilMark.WheneveryoufindthePencilMarkyouknowthatthirtyfeetfromitisthe Indicator;youmeasure thedistance, excavate, find the Indicator, trace itstraight to the reef,andsinkyourshaft;your fortune ismade, forcertain. Ifthatistrue,itiscurious.Anditiscuriousanyway.Ballaratisatownofonly40,000population;andyet,sinceitisinAustralia,ithas every essential of an advanced and enlightened big city. This is purematter of course. Imust stop dwelling upon these things. It is hard to keepfrom dwelling upon them, though; for it is difficult to get away from thesurpriseofit.Iwilllettheotherdetailsgo,thistime,butImustallowmyselftomentionthatthislittletownhasaparkof326acres;aflowergardenof83acres, with an elaborate and expensive fernery in it and some costly andunusually fine statuary; and an artificial lake covering 600 acres, equippedwithafleetof200shells,smallsailboats,andlittlesteamyachts.At thispointIstrikeoutsomeotherpraiseful thingswhichIwas temptedtoadd.Idonotstrikethemoutbecausetheywerenottrueornotwellsaid,butbecauseIfindthembettersaidbyanotherman—andamanmorecompetenttotestify,too,becausehebelongsontheground,andknows.IclipthemfromachattyspeechdeliveredsomeyearsagobyMr.WilliamLittle,whowasatthattimemayorofBallarat:"Thelanguageofourcitizens,inthisasinotherpartsofAustralasia,ismostly

healthy Anglo-Saxon, free from Americanisms, vulgarisms, and theconflictingdialectsofourFatherland,andispureenoughtosuitaTrenchoraLatham.Ouryouth,aidedbyclimaticinfluence,areinpointofphysiqueandcomelinessunsurpassedintheSunnySouth.Ouryoungmenarewellordered;and our maidens, 'not stepping over the bounds of modesty,' are as fair asPsyches,dispensingsmilesascharmingasNovemberflowers."Theclosingclausehastheseemingofaratherfrostycompliment,butthatisapparentonly,notreal.Novemberissummer-timethere.Hiscomplimenttothelocalpurityofthelanguageiswarranted.Itisquitefreefromimpurities;thisisacknowledgedfarandwide.AsintheGermanEmpireallcultivatedpeopleclaimtospeakHanovarianGerman,soinAustralasiaallcultivatedpeople claim to speakBallaratEnglish.Even inEngland this culthasmadeconsiderableprogress, andnow that it is favoredby the twogreatUniversities, the time is not far awaywhenBallarat Englishwill come intogeneral use among the educated classes of Great Britain at large. Its greatmeritis,thatitisshorterthanordinaryEnglish—thatis,itismorecompressed.At first you have some difficulty in understanding it when it is spoken asrapidlyastheoratorwhomIhavequotedspeaksit.AnillustrationwillshowwhatImean.WhenhecalledandIhandedhimachair,hebowedandsaid:"Q."Presently,whenwewere lightingour cigars, heheld amatch tomine and Isaid:"Thankyou,"andhesaid:"Km."ThenIsaw. 'Q' is theendof thephrase"I thankyou" 'Km' is theendof thephrase"Youarewelcome."Mr.Littleputsnoemphasisuponeitherof them,but delivers them so reduced that they hardly have a sound. All BallaratEnglish is like that, and the effect is very soft and pleasant; it takes all thehardnessandharshnessoutofour tongueandgives to itadelicatewhisperyandvanishingcadencewhichcharmstheearlikethefaintrustlingoftheforestleaves.

CHAPTERXXV.

"Classic."Abookwhichpeoplepraiseanddon'tread.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.Ontherailagain—boundforBendigo.Fromdiary:

October23.Gotupat6,leftat7.30;soonreachedCastlemaine,oneoftherichgold-fieldsoftheearlydays;waitedseveralhoursforatrain;leftat3.40andreachedBendigo in an hour. For comrade, aCatholic priestwhowas betterthanIwas,butdidn'tseemtoknowit—amanfullofgracesoftheheart,themind,andthespirit;alovableman.Hewillrise.Hewillbeabishopsomeday.LateranArchbishop.LateraCardinal.FinallyanArchangel,Ihope.Andthenhe will recall me when I say, "Do you remember that trip we made fromBallarattoBendigo,whenyouwerenothingbutFatherC.,andIwasnothingtowhatIamnow?"IthasactuallytakenninehourstocomefromBallarattoBendigo. We could have saved seven by walking. However, there was nohurry.Bendigo was another of the rich strikes of the early days. It does a greatquartz-miningbusiness,now—thatbusinesswhich,morethananyotherthatIknowof, teachespatience,andrequiresgritandasteadynerve.The townisfull of towering chimney-stacks, and hoisting-works, and looks like apetroleum-city.Speakingofpatience;forexample,oneofthelocalcompanieswentsteadilyonwithitsdeepboringsandsearchingswithoutshowofgoldorapennyofrewardforelevenyears—thenstruckit,andbecamesuddenlyrich.Theelevenyears'workhadcost$55,000,andthefirstgoldfoundwasagrainthesizeofapin'shead.Itiskeptunderlocksandbars,asapreciousthing,andisreverentlyshowntothevisitor,"hatsoff."WhenIsawitIhadnothearditshistory."It isgold.Examine it—take theglass.Nowhowmuchshouldyousay it isworth?"Isaid:"Ishouldsayabouttwocents;orinyourEnglishdialect,fourfarthings.""Well,itcostL11,000.""Oh,come!""Yes, it did. Ballarat and Bendigo have produced the three monumentalnuggetsoftheworld,andthisoneisthemonumentalestoneofthethree.TheothertworepresentL9,000apiece;thisoneacoupleofthousandmore.Itissmall,andnotmuchtolookat,butitisentitledto(its)name—Adam.ItistheAdam-nuggetofthismine,anditschildrenrunupintothemillions."Speaking of patience again, another of themineswasworked, under heavyexpenses, during 17 years before pay was struck, and still another onecompelledawaitof21yearsbeforepaywasstruck; then, inboth instances,theoutlaywasallbackinayearortwo,withcompoundinterest.BendigohasturnedoutevenmoregoldthanBallarat.Thetwotogetherhaveproduced$650,000,000worth—whichishalfasmuchasCaliforniaproduced.

ItwasthroughMr.Blank—nottogointoparticularsabouthisname—itwasmainly through Mr. Blank that my stay in Bendigo was made memorablypleasantand interesting.Heexplained this tomehimself.He toldme that itwasthroughhisinfluencethatthecitygovernmentinvitedmetothetown-halltohearcomplimentaryspeechesandrespondtothem;thatitwasthroughhisinfluencethatIhadbeentakenonalongpleasure-drivethroughthecityandshownitsnotablefeatures;thatitwasthroughhisinfluencethatIwasinvitedtovisitthegreatmines;thatitwasthroughhisinfluencethatIwastakentothehospitalandallowedtoseetheconvalescentChinamanwhohadbeenattackedatmidnightinhislonelyhuteightweeksbeforebyrobbers,andstabbedforty-six times and scalped besides; that itwas through his influence thatwhen Iarrived this awful spectacle of piecings and patchings and bandagings wassittingupinhiscotlettingontoreadoneofmybooks;thatitwasthroughhisinfluence that efforts had been made to get the Catholic Archbishop ofBendigo to inviteme todinner; that itwas throughhis influence thateffortshadbeenmade toget theAnglicanBishopofBendigo toaskme to supper;that itwas throughhis influence that thedeanof the editorial fraternityhaddriven me through the woodsy outlying country and shown me, from thesummitofLoneTreeHill, themightiest and loveliest expanseof forest-cladmountainandvalley that Ihadseen inallAustralia.Andwhenheaskedmewhathadmost impressedmeinBendigoandIansweredandsaid itwas thetaste and the public spirit which had adorned the streets with 105miles ofshadetrees,hesaidthatitwasthroughhisinfluencethatithadbeendone.ButIamnotrepresentinghimquitecorrectly.Hedidnotsayitwas throughhis influence that all these things had happened—for that would have beencoarse;hemerelyconveyedthatidea;conveyeditsosubtlythatIonlycaughtit fleetingly, as one catches vagrant faint breaths of perfume when onetraverses themeadows in summer; conveyed itwithout offense andwithoutanysuggestionofegoismorostentation—butconveyedit,nevertheless.HewasanIrishman;aneducatedgentleman;grave,andkindly,andcourteous;a bachelor, and about forty-five or possibly fifty years old, apparently. Hecalleduponmeatthehotel,anditwastherethatwehadthistalk.Hemademelikehim,anddiditwithouttrouble.Thiswaspartlythroughhiswinningandgentleways,butmainlythroughtheamazingfamiliaritywithmybookswhichhisconversationshowed.Hewasdowntodatewiththem,too;andifhehadmadethemthestudyofhislifehecouldhardlyhavebeenbetterpostedastotheircontentsthanhewas.HemademebettersatisfiedwithmyselfthanIhadeverbeenbefore.Itwasplainthathehadadeepfondnessforhumor,yethenever laughed; he never even chuckled; in fact, humor could not win tooutward expression on his face at all. No, he was always grave—tenderly,pensivelygrave;buthemademelaugh,allalong;andthiswasverytrying—and very pleasant at the same time—for it was at quotations frommy own

books.Whenhewasgoing,heturnedandsaid:"Youdon'trememberme?""I?Why,no.Havewemetbefore?""No,itwasamatterofcorrespondence.""Correspondence?""Yes,manyyearsago.Twelveorfifteen.Oh, longer thanthat.Butofcourseyou——"Amusingpause.Thenhesaid:"DoyourememberCorriganCastle?""N-no,IbelieveIdon't.Idon'tseemtorecallthename."Hewaitedamoment,pondering,withthedoor-knobinhishand,thenstartedout; but turned back and said that I had once been interested in CorriganCastle,andaskedmeifIwouldgowithhimtohisquartersintheeveningandtakeahotScotchandtalkitover.Iwasateetotalerandlikedrelaxation,soIsaidIwould.We drove from the lecture-hall together about half-past ten.He had amostcomfortablyand tastefully furnishedparlor,withgoodpictureson thewalls,IndianandJapaneseornamentsonthemantel,andhereandthere,andbookseverywhere-largelymine;whichmademeproud.The lightwasbrilliant, theeasychairsweredeep-cushioned,thearrangementsforbrewingandsmokingwereallthere.Webrewedandlitup;thenhepassedasheetofnote-papertomeandsaid—"Doyourememberthat?""Oh,yes,indeed!"Thepaperwasofasumptuousquality.Atthetopwasatwistedandinterlacedmonogram printed from steel dies in gold and blue and red, in the ornateEnglishfashionoflongyearsago;andunderit,inneatgothiccapitalswasthis—printedinblue:THEMARKTWAINCLUBCORRIGANCASTLE............187.."My!"saidI,"howdidyoucomebythis?""IwasPresidentofit.""No!—youdon'tmeanit.""It is true. Iwas its first President. I was re-elected annually as long as itsmeetingswereheldinmycastle—Corrigan—whichwasfiveyears."Thenheshowedmeanalbumwithtwenty-threephotographsofmeinit.Fiveofthemwereofolddates,theothersofvariouslatercrops;thelistclosedwith

apicturetakenbyFalkinSydneyamonthbefore."Yousentusthefirstfive;therestwerebought."Thiswasparadise!Weranlate,andtalked,talked,talked—subject,theMarkTwainClubofCorriganCastle,Ireland.MyfirstknowledgeofthatClubdatesawayback;alloftwentyyears,Ishouldsay.Itcametomeintheformofacourteousletter,writtenonthenote-paperwhich I have described, and signed "By order of the President; C.PEMBROKE,Secretary."ItconveyedthefactthattheClubhadbeencreatedinmyhonor,andadded thehope that this tokenofappreciationofmyworkwouldmeetwithmyapproval.Ianswered,with thanks;anddidwhat Icould tokeepmygratificationfromover-exposure.Itwasthenthatthelongcorrespondencebegan.Alettercameback,byorderof the President, furnishing me the names of the members-thirty-two innumber.With it camea copyof theConstitution andBy-Laws, inpamphletform,andartisticallyprinted.Theinitiationfeeanddueswereintheirproperplace;also,scheduleofmeetings—monthly—foressaysuponworksofmine,followedbydiscussions;quarterlyforbusinessandasupper,withoutessays,butwithafter-supperspeeches;alsotherewasalistoftheofficers:President,Vice-President, Secretary, Treasurer, etc. The letter was brief, but it waspleasantreading,forittoldmeaboutthestronginterestwhichthemembershiptook in their new venture, etc., etc. It also asked me for a photograph—aspecialone.Iwentdownandsatforitandsentit—withaletter,ofcourse.PresentlycamethebadgeoftheClub,andverydaintyandprettyitwas;andveryartistic.Itwasafrogpeepingoutfromagracefultangleofgrass-spraysandrushes,andwasdoneinenamelsonagoldbasis,andhadagoldpinbackofit.AfterIhadpettedit,andplayedwithit,andcaressedit,andenjoyeditacoupleofhours,thelighthappenedtofalluponitatanewangle,andrevealedtomeacunningnewdetail;withthelightjustright,certaindelicateshadingsofthegrass-bladesandrush-stemswovethemselvesintoamonogram—mine!Youcanseethatthatjewelwasaworkofart.Andwhenyoucometoconsidertheintrinsicvalueofit,youmustconcedethatitisnoteveryliteraryclubthatcould afford a badge like that. It was easily worth $75, in the opinion ofMessrs.MarcusandWardofNewYork.Theysaidtheycouldnotduplicateitforthatandmakeaprofit.By this time the Club was well under way; and from that time forth itssecretary kept my off-hours well supplied with business. He reported theClub'sdiscussionsofmybookswithlaboriousfullness,anddidhisworkwithgreat spirit and ability. As a, rule, he synopsized; but when a speech wasespeciallybrilliant,heshort-handeditandgavemethebestpassagesfromit,

written out. There were five speakers whom he particularly favored in thatway: Palmer, Forbes, Naylor, Norris, and Calder. Palmer and Forbes couldnevergetthroughaspeechwithoutattackingeachother,andeachinhisownwaywasformidablyeffective—Palmerinvirileandeloquentabuse,Forbesincourtlyandelegantbutscaldingsatire.Icouldalwaystellwhichofthemwastalkingwithoutlookingforhisname.Naylorhadapolishedstyleandahappyknackatfelicitousmetaphor;Norris'sstylewaswhollywithoutornament,butenviably compact, lucid, and strong. But after all, Calder was the gem. Heneverspokewhensober,hespokecontinuouslywhenhewasn't.Andcertainlytheywere the drunkest speeches that aman ever uttered. Theywere full ofgoodthings,butsoincrediblymixedupandwanderingthatitmadeone'sheadswim to follow him.Theywere not intended to be funny, but theywere,—funnyfortheverygravitywhichthespeakerputintohisflowingmiraclesofincongruity.InthecourseoffiveyearsIcametoknowthestylesof thefiveoratorsaswellasIknewthestyleofanyspeakerinmyownclubathome.Thesereportscameeverymonth.Theywerewrittenonfoolscap,600wordstothe page, and usually about twenty-five pages in a report—a good 15,000words, I should say,—a solid week's work. The reports were absorbinglyentertaining,longastheywere;but,unfortunatelyforme,theydidnotcomealone. Theywere always accompanied by a lot of questions about passagesandpurposesinmybooks,whichtheClubwantedanswered;andadditionallyaccompaniedeveryquarterbytheTreasurer'sreport,andtheAuditor'sreport,and the Committee's report, and the President's review, and my opinion ofthesewas always desired; also suggestions for the good of theClub, if anyoccurredtome.By and by I came to dread those things; and this dread grew andgrew andgrew;grewuntil I got to anticipating themwitha coldhorror.For Iwasanindolentman,andnotfondofletter-writing,andwheneverthesethingscameIhadtoputeverythingbyandsitdown—formyownpeaceofmind—anddiganddiguntilIgotsomethingoutofmyheadwhichwouldanswerforareply.Igotalongfairlywellthefirstyear;butforthesucceedingfouryearstheMarkTwain Club of Corrigan Castle wasmy curse, my nightmare, the grief andmiseryofmylife.AndIgotso,sosickofsittingforphotographs.Isateveryyearforfiveyears,tryingtosatisfythatinsatiableorganization.ThenatlastIroseinrevolt.Icouldenduremyoppressionsnolonger.Ipulledmyfortitudetogetherandtoreoffmychains,andwasafreemanagain,andhappy.FromthatdayIburnedthesecretary'sfatenvelopesthemomenttheyarrived,andbyandbytheyceasedtocome.Well,inthesociablefranknessofthatnightinBendigoIbroughtthisalloutinfullconfession.ThenMr.Blankcameout inthesamefrankway,andwithapreliminarywordofgentleapologysaidthathewastheMarkTwainClub,and

theonlymemberithadeverhad!Why, itwasmatter for anger, but I didn't feel any.He said he never had toworkfora living,and thatby the timehewas thirty lifehadbecomeaboreandawearinesstohim.Hehadnointerestsleft;theyhadpaledandperished,onebyone,andlefthimdesolate.Hehadbeguntothinkofsuicide.Thenallofasuddenhethoughtof thathappyideaofstartinganimaginaryclub,andwent straightway towork at it,with enthusiasm and love.Hewas charmedwith it; it gave him something to do. It elaborated itself on his hands;—itbecame twenty timesmore complex and formidable thanwas his first rudedraft of it. Every new addition to his original planwhich cropped up in hismind gave him a fresh interest and a new pleasure. He designed the Clubbadgehimself,andworkedoverit,alteringandimprovingit,anumberofdaysandnights;thensenttoLondonandhaditmade.Itwastheonlyonethatwasmade.Itwasmadeforme;the"restoftheClub"wentwithout.He invented the thirty-twomembers and their names. He invented the fivefavorite speakers and their five separate styles. He invented their speeches,andreportedthemhimself.HewouldhavekeptthatClubgoinguntilnow,ifIhadn't deserted, he said.He said heworked like a slave over those reports;eachofthemcosthimfromaweektoafortnight'swork,andtheworkgavehimpleasureandkepthimaliveandwillingtobealive.ItwasabitterblowtohimwhentheClubdied.Finally,therewasn'tanyCorriganCastle.Hehadinventedthat,too.It was wonderful—the whole thing; and altogether the most ingenious andlaborious and cheerful and painstaking practical joke I have ever heard of.And I liked it; liked to hear him tell about it; yet I have been a hater ofpracticaljokesfromaslongbackasIcanremember.Finallyhesaid—"Do you remember a note from Melbourne fourteen or fifteen years ago,telling about your lecture tour in Australia, and your death and burial inMelbourne?—a note from Henry Bascomb, of Bascomb Hall, UpperHolywell,Hants.""Yes.""Iwroteit.""M-y-word!""Yes, I did it. I don't know why. I just took the notion, and carried it outwithout stopping to think. It was wrong. It could have done harm. I wasalways sorry about it afterward. Youmust forgiveme. I wasMr. Bascom'sguestonhisyacht,onhisvoyagearound theworld.Heoften spokeofyou,andof the pleasant times youhadhad together in his home; and the notiontookme,thereinMelbourne,andIimitatedhishand,andwrotetheletter."

Sothemysterywasclearedup,aftersomany,manyyears.

CHAPTERXXVI.

There are peoplewho can do all fine and heroic things but one! keep fromtellingtheirhappinessestotheunhappy.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.After visits toMaryborough and some otherAustralian towns,we presentlytookpassageforNewZealand.Ifitwouldnotlooktoomuchlikeshowingoff,IwouldtellthereaderwhereNewZealandis;forheisasIwas;hethinksheknows.AndhethinksheknowswhereHertzegovinais;andhowtopronouncepariah; and how to use the word unique without exposing himself to thederisionofthedictionary.Butintruth,heknowsnoneofthesethings.Therearebutfourorfivepeopleintheworldwhopossessthisknowledge,andthesemake their living out of it. They travel fromplace to place, visiting literaryassemblages, geographical societies, and seats of learning, and springingsuddenbetsthatthesepeopledonotknowthesethings.Sinceallpeoplethinkthey know them, they are an easy prey to these adventurers.Or rather theywereaneasypreyuntilthelawinterfered,threemonthsago,andaNewYorkcourtdecidedthatthiskindofgamblingisillegal,"becauseittraversesArticleIV,Section9,of theConstitutionof theUnitedStates,whichforbidsbettingon a sure thing." This decisionwas rendered by the full Bench of theNewYork Supreme Court, after a test sprung upon the court by counsel for theprosecution,which showed thatnoneof thenine Judgeswasable to answeranyofthefourquestions.AllpeoplethinkthatNewZealandisclosetoAustraliaorAsia,orsomewhere,and that you cross to it on a bridge. But that is not so. It is not close toanything,butliesbyitself,outinthewater.ItisnearesttoAustralia,butstillnotnear.Thegapbetweenisverywide.Itwillbeasurprisetothereader,asitwastome,tolearnthatthedistancefromAustraliatoNewZealandisreallytwelve or thirteen hundredmiles, and that there is no bridge. I learned thisfromProfessorX.,ofYaleUniversity,whomImetinthesteameronthegreatlakeswhenIwascrossingthecontinenttosailacrossthePacific.Iaskedhimabout New Zealand, in order to make conversation. I supposed he wouldgeneralizealittlewithoutcompromisinghimself,andthenturnthesubjecttosomethinghewasacquaintedwith,andmyobjectwouldthenbeattained;theicewouldbebroken,andwecouldgosmoothlyon,andgetacquainted,andhaveapleasanttime.But,tomysurprise,hewasnotonlynotembarrassedbymyquestion,butseemedtowelcomeit,andtotakeadistinctinterestinit.Hebegan to talk—fluently, confidently, comfortably; and as he talked, my

admirationgrewandgrew;forasthesubjectdevelopedunderhishands,Isawthat he not only knew where New Zealand was, but that he was minutelyfamiliarwitheverydetailofitshistory,politics,religions,andcommerce, itsfauna,flora,geology,products,andclimaticpeculiarities.Whenhewasdone,Iwaslostinwonderandadmiration,andsaidtomyself,heknowseverything;inthedomainofhumanknowledgeheisking.Iwantedtoseehimdomoremiracles;andso,justforthepleasureofhearinghimanswer,IaskedhimaboutHertzegovina,andpariah,andunique.Buthebegan to generalize then, and show distress. I saw that with New Zealandgone,hewasaSamsonshornofhis locks;hewasasothermen.Thiswasacuriousand interestingmystery,andIwasfrankwithhim,andaskedhimtoexplainit.Hetriedtoavoiditatfirst;butthenlaughedandsaidthatafterall,thematterwasnotworthconcealment,sohewouldletmeintothesecret.Insubstance,thisishisstory:"LastautumnIwasatworkonemorningathome,whenacardcameup—thecardofastranger.Underthenamewasprintedalinewhichshowedthatthisvisitor was Professor of Theological Engineering in Wellington University,NewZealand.Iwastroubled—troubled,Imean,bytheshortnessofthenotice.College etiquette required that he be at once invited to dinner by somemember of the Faculty—invited to dine on that day—not, put off till asubsequentday.Ididnotquiteknowwhattodo.Collegeetiquetterequires,inthecaseofaforeignguest,thatthedinner-talkshallbeginwithcomplimentaryreferencestohiscountry,itsgreatmen,itsservicestocivilization,itsseatsoflearning,andthingslikethat;andofcoursethehostisresponsible,andmusteitherbeginthistalkhimselforseethatitisdonebysomeoneelse.Iwasingreat difficulty; and themore I searchedmymemory, themoremy troublegrew.IfoundthatIknewnothingaboutNewZealand.IthoughtIknewwhereitwas,andthatwasall.IhadanimpressionthatitwasclosetoAustralia,orAsia,orsomewhere,andthatonewentovertoitonabridge.Thismightturnouttobeincorrect;andevenifcorrect,itwouldnotfurnishmatterenoughforthepurposeatthedinner,andIshouldexposemyCollegetoshamebeforemyguest;hewouldseethatI,amemberoftheFacultyofthefirstUniversityinAmerica,waswhollyignorantofhiscountry,andhewouldgoawayandtellthis,andlaughatit.Thethoughtofitmademyfaceburn."Isent formywifeand toldherhowIwassituated,andaskedforherhelp,andshethoughtofathingwhichImighthavethoughtofmyself,ifIhadnotbeenexcitedandworried.ShesaidshewouldgoandtellthevisitorthatIwasoutbutwouldbeininafewminutes;andshewouldtalk,andkeephimbusywhile I got out the backway and hurried over andmake ProfessorLawsongive thedinner.ForLawsonkneweverything,andcouldmeet theguest ina

creditablewayandsavethereputationoftheUniversity.IrantoLawson,butwasdisappointed.HedidnotknowanythingaboutNewZealand.Hesaidthat,asfarashisrecollectionwentitwasclosetoAustralia,orAsia,orsomewhere,andyougoovertoitonabridge;butthatwasallheknew.Itwastoobad.Lawsonwasaperfectencyclopediaofabstruselearning;butnowinthishourofourneed,itturnedoutthathedidnotknowanyusefulthing."Weconsulted.Hesawthat thereputationoftheUniversitywasinveryrealperil,andhewalkedthefloorinanxiety,talking,andtryingtothinkoutsomewaytomeetthedifficulty.PresentlyhedecidedthatwemusttrytherestoftheFaculty—someof themmightknowaboutNewZealand.Sowewent to thetelephoneandcalleduptheprofessorofastronomyandaskedhim,andhesaidthatallheknewwas,thatitwasclosetoAustralia,orAsia,orsomewhere,andyouwentovertoiton——"Weshuthimoffandcalleduptheprofessorofbiology,andhesaidthatallheknewwasthatitwasclosetoAus——."Weshuthimoff,andsatdown,worriedanddisheartened,toseeifwecouldthinkup someother scheme.Weshortlyhitupononewhichpromisedwell,and this one we adopted, and set its machinery going at once. It was this.Lawsonmust give the dinner.TheFacultymust be notified by telephone toprepare.Wemustallgettoworkdiligently,andattheendofeighthoursandahalf we must come to dinner acquainted with New Zealand; at least wellenough informed to appear without discredit before this native. To seemproperlyintelligentweshouldhavetoknowaboutNewZealand'spopulation,andpolitics,andformofgovernment,andcommerce,andtaxes,andproducts,andancienthistory,andmodernhistory,andvarietiesofreligion,andnatureofthe laws, and their codification, andamountof revenue, andwhencedrawn,andmethods of collection, and percentage of loss, and character of climate,and—well, a lotof things like that;wemust suck themapsandcyclopediasdry.Andwhilewepostedupinthisway,theFaculty'swivesmustflockover,oneaftertheother,inastudiedlycasualway,andhelpmywifekeeptheNewZealanderquiet,andnotlethimgetoutandcomeinterferingwithourstudies.Theschemeworkedadmirably;butitstoppedbusiness,stoppeditentirely."It is in theofficial log-bookofYale, to be read andwondered at by futuregenerations—theaccountoftheGreatBlankDay—thememorableBlankDay—the day wherein the wheels of culture were stopped, a Sunday silenceprevailed all about, and the whole University stood still while the Facultyread-upandqualifieditselftositatmeat,withoutshame,inthepresenceoftheProfessorofTheologicalEngineeringfromNewZealand:

"Whenweassembledatthedinnerweweremiserablytiredandworn—butwewereposted.Yes,itisfairtoclaimthat.Infact,eruditionisapalenameforit.NewZealandwastheonlysubject;anditwasjustbeautifultohearusrippleitout. And with such an air of unembarrassed ease, and unostentatiousfamiliaritywithdetail,andtrainedandseasonedmasteryofthesubject-andoh,thegraceandfluencyofit!"Well,finallysomebodyhappenedtonoticethattheguestwaslookingdazed,andwasn'tsayinganything.Sotheystirredhimup,ofcourse.Thenthatmancame out with a good, honest, eloquent compliment that made the Facultyblush.Hesaidhewasnotworthytositinthecompanyofmenlikethese;thathehadbeensilentfromadmiration;thathehadbeensilentfromanothercausealso—silent from shame—silent from ignorance! 'For,' said he, 'I,whohavelivedeighteenyearsinNewZealandandhaveservedfiveinaprofessorship,andoughttoknowmuchaboutthatcountry,perceive,now,thatIknowalmostnothing about it. I say itwith shame, that I have learned fifty times, yes, ahundredtimesmoreaboutNewZealandinthesetwohoursatthistablethanIeverknewbeforeinalltheeighteenyearsputtogether.IwassilentbecauseIcouldnothelpmyself.WhatIknewabout taxes,andpolicies,andlaws,andrevenue, andproducts, andhistory, and all thatmultitudeof things,wasbutgeneral, andordinary, andvague-unscientific, in aword—and itwouldhavebeen insanity to expose it here to the searching glare of your amazinglyaccurateandall-comprehensiveknowledgeofthosematters,gentlemen.Ibegyoutoletmesitsilent—asbecomesme.Butdonotchangethesubject;Icanatleastfollowyou,inthisone;whereasifyouchangetoonewhichshallcallout the full strength of yourmighty erudition, I shall be as one lost. If youknowall thisaboutaremote little inconsequentpatch likeNewZealand,ah,whatwouldn'tyouknowaboutanyotherSubject!'"

CHAPTERXXVII.

ManistheOnlyAnimalthatBlushes.Orneedsto.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.Theuniversalbrotherhoodofmanisourmostpreciouspossession,whatthereisofit.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.FROMDIARY:November1—noon.Afineday,abrilliantsun.Warminthesun,coldintheshade—anicybreezeblowingoutofthesouth.Asolemnlongswellrollingupnorthward.ItcomesfromtheSouthPole,withnothinginthewaytoobstruct

its march and tone its energy down. I have read somewhere that an acuteobserver among the early explorers—Cook? or Tasman?—accepted thismajestic swell as trustworthy circumstantial evidence that no important landlay to the southward, and so did not waste time on a useless quest in thatdirection,butchangedhiscourseandwentsearchingelsewhere.Afternoon. Passing between Tasmania (formerly Van Diemen's Land) andneighboringislands—islandswhencethepoorexiledTasmaniansavagesusedtogazeat their losthomelandandcry;anddieofbrokenhearts.HowgladIamthatallthesenativeracesaredeadandgone,ornearlyso.TheworkwasmercifullyswiftandhorribleinsomeportionsofAustralia.AsfarasTasmaniais concerned, the exterminationwas complete: not a native is left. It was astrifeofyears,anddecadesofyears.TheWhitesandtheBlackshuntedeachother, ambushed each other, butchered each other. The Blacks were notnumerous. But theywerewary, alert, cunning, and they knew their countrywell.Theylastedalongtime,fewastheywere,andinflictedmuchslaughterupontheWhites.TheGovernmentwanted to save theBlacks from ultimate extermination, ifpossible. One of its schemes was to capture them and coop them up, on aneighboring island, under guard.Bodies ofWhites volunteered for thehunt,for the pay was good—L5 for each Black captured and delivered, but thesuccess achieved was not very satisfactory. The Black was naked, and hisbody was greased. It was hard to get a grip on him that would hold. TheWhitesmovedaboutinarmedbodies,andsurprisedlittlefamiliesofnatives,anddidmakecaptures;butitwassuspectedthatinthesesurpriseshalfadozennatives were killed to one caught—and that was not what the Governmentdesired.Anotherschemewastodrivethenativesintoacorneroftheislandandfencetheminbyacordonofmenplacedinlineacrossthecountry;butthenativesmanagedtoslipthrough,constantly,andcontinuetheirmurdersandarsons.The governor warned these unlettered savages by printed proclamation thatthey must stay in the desolate region officially appointed for them! Theproclamation was a dead letter; the savages could not read it. Afterward apicture-proclamationwasissued.Itwaspainteduponboards,andthesewerenailedtotreesintheforest.Herewithisaphotographicreproductionofthisfashion-plate.Substantiallyitmeans:1.TheGovernorwishestheWhitesandtheBlackstoloveeachother;2.Heloveshisblacksubjects;3.BlackswhokillWhiteswillbehanged;

4.WhiteswhokillBlackswillbehanged.Upon its several schemes theGovernment spent L30,000 and employed thelaborsandingenuitiesofseveralthousandWhitesforalongtimewithfailureas a result. Then, at last, a quarter of a century after the beginning of thetroubles between the two races, the right man was found. No, he foundhimself. This was George Augustus Robinson, called in history "TheConciliator."Hewasnoteducated,andnotconspicuousinanyway.Hewasaworking bricklayer, in Hobart Town. But he must have been an amazingpersonality;amanworthtravelingfartosee.Itmaybehiscounterpartappearsinhistory,butIdonotknowwheretolookforit.Hesethimself this incredible task: togoout into thewilderness, the jungle,and the mountain-retreats where the hunted and implacable savages werehidden,andappearamongthemunarmed,speakthelanguageof loveandofkindnesstothem,andpersuadethemtoforsaketheirhomesandthewildfreelife that was so dear to them, and go with him and surrender to the hatedWhitesandliveundertheirwatchandward,andupontheircharitytherestoftheirlives!Onitsfaceitwasthedreamofamadman.Inthebeginning,hismoral-suasionprojectwassarcasticallydubbedthesugarplum speculation. If the scheme was striking, and new to the world'sexperience, the situationwas not less so. Itwas this. TheWhite populationnumbered40,000in1831;theBlackpopulationnumberedthreehundred.Not300warriors,but300men,women,andchildren.TheWhiteswerearmedwithguns,theBlackswithclubsandspears.TheWhiteshadfoughttheBlacksforaquarterof a century, andhad triedevery thinkableway to capture,kill, orsubduethem;andcouldnotdoit.Ifwhitemenofanyracecouldhavedoneit,thesewouldhaveaccomplishedit.Buteveryschemehadfailed,thesplendid300, the matchless 300 were unconquered, and manifestly unconquerable.Theywouldnotyield, theywouldlistentonoterms, theywouldfight tothebitterend.Yettheyhadnopoettokeepuptheirheart,andsingthemarveloftheirmagnificentpatriotism.Attheendoffive-and-twentyyearsofhardfighting,thesurviving300nakedpatriots were still defiant, still persistent, still efficacious with their rudeweapons,andtheGovernorandthe40,000knewnotwhichwaytoturn,norwhattodo.Then the Bricklayer—that wonderful man—proposed to go out into thewilderness,withnoweaponbuthis tongue,andnoprotectionbuthishonesteyeandhishumaneheart;andtrackthoseembitteredsavagestotheirlairsinthe gloomy forests and among the mountain snows. Naturally, he wasconsideredacrank.Buthewasnotquitethat.Infact,hewasagoodwayshortofthat.Hewasbuildinguponhislongandintimateknowledgeofthenativecharacter.Thederidersofhisprojectwere right—from their standpoint—for

theybelievedthenativestobemerewildbeasts;andRobinsonwasright,fromhisstandpoint—forhebelievedthenativestobehumanbeings.Thetruthdidreally lie between the two. The event proved thatRobinson's judgmentwassoundest;butaboutonceamonthforfouryearstheeventcameneartogivingtheverdicttothederiders,foraboutthatfrequentlyRobinsonbarelyescapedfallingunderthenativespears.But history shows that he had a thinking head, and was not a mere wildsentimentalist. For instance, he wanted the war parties called in before hestarted unarmed upon his mission of peace. He wanted the best chance ofsuccess—not a half-chance. And hewas verywilling to have help; and so,highrewardswereadvertised,foranywhowouldgounarmedwithhim.Thisopportunity was declined. Robinson persuaded some tamed natives of bothsexes togowithhim—astrongevidenceofhispersuasivepowers, for thosenativeswellknewthattheirdestructionwouldbealmostcertain.Asitturnedout,theyhadtofacedeathoverandoveragain.Robinson and his little party had a difficult undertaking upon their hands.They could not ride off, horseback, comfortably into the woods and callLeonidasandhis300togetherforatalkandatreatythefollowingday;forthewildmenwerenot inabody; theywere scattered, immensedistancesapart,overregionssodesolatethateventhebirdscouldnotmakealivingwiththechancesoffered—scatteredingroupsoftwenty,adozen,halfadozen,eveningroupsof three.And themissionmustgoon foot.Mr.Bonwick furnishes adescriptionofthosehorribleregions,wherebyitwillbeseenthatevenfugitivegangs of the hardiest and choicest human devils the world has seen—theconvicts set apart to people the "Hell ofMacquarrieHarbor Station"—werenever able, but once, to survive the horrors of a march through them, butstarvingandstruggling,andfaintingandfailing,ateeachother,anddied:"Onward, still onward, was the order of the indomitable Robinson. No oneignorant of thewestern country of Tasmania can form a correct idea of thetravelingdifficulties.WhileIwasresidentinHobartTown,theGovernor,SirJohn Franklin, and his lady, undertook the western journey to MacquarrieHarbor, and suffered terribly. One man who assisted to carry her ladyshipthrough the swamps, gave me his bitter experience of its miseries. Severalwere disabled for life. No wonder that but one party, escaping fromMacquarrieHarborconvictsettlement,arrivedatthecivilizedregioninsafety.Men perished in the scrub, were lost in snow, or were devoured by theircompanions.Thiswas the territory traversedbyMr.RobinsonandhisBlackguides.All honor tohis intrepidity, and theirwonderful fidelity!When theyhad, in the depth of winter, to cross deep and rapid rivers, pass amongmountainssixthousandfeethigh,piercedangerousthickets,andfindfoodinacountryforsakenevenbybirds,wecanrealizetheirhardships.

"After a frightful journeybyCradleMountain, andover the loftyplateauofMiddlesex Plains, the travelers experienced unwonted misery, and thecircumstances called forth the best qualities of the noble little band. Mr.Robinson wrote afterwards to Mr. Secretary Burnett some details of thispassageofhorrors.Inthatletter,ofOct2,1834,hestatesthathisNativeswerevery reluctant to go over the dreadful mountain passes; that 'for sevensuccessivedayswecontinuedtravelingoveronesolidbodyofsnow;'that'thesnowswereofincredibledepth;' that 'theNativeswerefrequentlyuptotheirmiddleinsnow.'Butstilltheill-clad,ill-fed,diseased,andway-wornmenandwomenwere sustained by the cheerful voice of their unconquerable friend,andrespondedmostnoblytohiscall."Mr. Bonwick says that Robinson's friendly capture of the Big River triberemember,itwasawholetribe—"wasbyfarthegrandestfeatureofthewar,andthecrowninggloryofhisefforts."Theword"war"wasnotwellchosen,andismisleading.Therewaswarstill,butonlytheBlackswereconductingit—theWhiteswere holding off until Robinson could give his scheme a fairtrial.Ithinkthatwearetounderstandthatthefriendlycaptureofthattribewasbyfarthemostimportantthing,thehighestinvalue,thathappenedduringthewhole thirty years of truceless hostilities; that it was a decisive thing, apeaceful Waterloo, the surrender of the native Napoleon and his dreadedforces,thehappyendingofthelongstrife.For"thattribewastheterrorofthecolony,"itschief"theBlackDouglasofBushhouseholds."Robinson knew that these formidable people were lurking somewhere, insome remote corner of the hideous regions just described, and he and hisunarmed littleparty startedona tediousandperiloushunt for them.At last,"there,undertheshadowsoftheFrenchman'sCap,whosegrimconerosefivethousandfeetintheuninhabitedwestwardinterior,"theywerefound.Itwasaserious moment. Robinson himself believed, for once, that his mission,successfuluntilnow,wastoendhere infailure,andthathisowndeath-hourhadstruck.Theredoubtablechiefstoodinmenacingattitude,withhiseighteen-footspearpoised; his warriors stoodmassed at his back, armed for battle, their faceseloquentwiththeirlong-cherishedloathingforwhitemen."Theyrattledtheirspearsandshoutedtheirwar-cry."Theirwomenwerebackofthem,ladenwithsupplies ofweapons, and keeping their 150 eager dogs quiet until the chiefshouldgivethesignaltofallon."I think we shall soon be in the resurrection," whispered a member ofRobinson'slittleparty."I thinkweshall,"answeredRobinson; thenpluckedupheartandbeganhispersuasions—inthetribe'sowndialect,whichsurprisedandpleasedthechief.Presentlytherewasaninterruptionbythechief:

"Whoareyou?""Wearegentlemen.""Whereareyourguns?""Wehavenone."Thewarriorwasastonished."Whereyourlittleguns?"(pistols)."Wehavenone."A few minutes passed—in by-play—suspense—discussion among thetribesmen—Robinson's tamed squaws ventured to cross the line and beginpersuasionsuponthewildsquaws.Thenthechiefsteppedback"toconferwiththeoldwomen—therealarbitersofsavagewar."Mr.Bonwickcontinues:"Asthefallengladiatorinthearenalooksforthesignaloflifeordeathfromthepresidentof the amphitheatre, sowaitedour friends in anxious suspensewhiletheconferencecontinued.Inafewminutes,beforeawordwasuttered,thewomenofthetribethrewuptheirarmsthreetimes.Thiswastheinviolablesignofpeace!Downfellthespears.Forward,withaheavysighofrelief,andupwardglanceofgratitude,camethefriendsofpeace.Theimpulsivenativesrushedforthwithtearsandcries,aseachsawintheother'sranksalovedoneofthepast."Itwas a jubilee of joy.A festival followed.And,while tears flowed at therecitalofwoe,acorroboryofpleasantlaughterclosedtheeventfulday."Infouryears,withoutthespillingofadropofblood,Robinsonbroughtthemall in,willingcaptives,anddelivered themto thewhitegovernor,andendedthewarwhich powder and bullets, and thousands ofmen to use them, hadprosecutedwithoutresultsince1804.Marsyas charming the wild beasts with his music—that is fable; but themiraclewroughtbyRobinsonisfact.Itishistory—andauthentic;andsurely,there isnothinggreater,nothingmorereverence-compelling in thehistoryofanycountry,ancientormodern.And inmemoryof thegreatestmanAustralasia everdevelopedor everwilldevelop, there is a stately monument to George Augustus Robinson, theConciliatorin—no,itistoanotherman,Iforgethisname.However, Robertson's own generation honored him, and in manifesting ithonored themselves. The Government gave him a money-reward and athousand acres of land; and the people heldmass-meetings and praised himandemphasizedtheirpraisewithalargesubscriptionofmoney.Agooddramaticsituation;butthecurtainfellonanother:

"Whenthisdesperatetribewasthuscaptured,therewasmuchsurprisetofindthat the L30,000 of a little earlier day had been spent, and the wholepopulationof the colonyplacedunder arms, in contentionwith anopposingforce of sixteen men with wooden spears! Yet such was the fact. ThecelebratedBigRiver tribe, thathadbeenraisedbyEuropeanfears toahost,consistedofsixteenmen,ninewomen,andonechild.Withaknowledgeofthemischief done by these few, their wonderful marches and their widespreadaggressions, theirenemiescannotdenyto themtheattributesofcourageandmilitarytact.AWallacemightharassalargearmywithasmallanddeterminedband;but thecontendingpartieswereat leastequal inarmsandcivilization.TheZuluswhofoughtusinAfrica,theMaoriesinNewZealand,theArabsinthe Soudan, were far better provided with weapons, more advanced in thescienceofwar,andconsiderablymorenumerous,thanthenakedTasmanians.GovernorArthurrightlytermedthemanoblerace."Thesewereindeedwonderfulpeople,thenatives.Theyoughtnottohavebeenwasted. They should have been crossed with the Whites. It would haveimprovedtheWhitesanddonetheNativesnoharm.ButtheNativeswerewasted,poorheroicwildcreatures.Theyweregatheredtogether in little settlementsonneighboring islands,andpaternallycared forby the Government, and instructed in religion, and deprived of tobacco,because the superintendent of the Sunday-school was not a smoker, and soconsideredsmokingimmoral.The Natives were not used to clothes, and houses, and regular hours, andchurch, and school, and Sunday-school, and work, and the other misplacedpersecutionsofcivilization,andtheypinedfortheirlosthomeandtheirwildfreelife.Toolatetheyrepentedthattheyhadtradedthatheavenforthishell.Theysathomesickontheiraliencrags,anddaybydaygazedoutthroughtheirtearsovertheseawithunappeasablelongingtowardthehazybulkwhichwasthespecterofwhathadbeentheirparadise;onebyonetheirheartsbrokeandtheydied.In a very few years nothing but a scant remnant remained alive.A handfullingered along into age. In 1864 the lastman died, in 1876 the lastwomandied,andtheSpartansofAustralasiawereextinct.TheWhitesalwaysmeanwellwhentheytakehumanfishoutoftheoceanandtrytomakethemdryandwarmandhappyandcomfortableinachickencoop;butthekindest-heartedwhitemancanalwaysbedependedontoprovehimselfinadequatewhenhedealswith savages.Hecannot turn the situationaroundandimaginehowhewouldlikeittohaveawell-meaningsavagetransferhimfromhishouseandhis churchandhis clothes andhisbooksandhis choicefoodtoahideouswildernessofsandandrocksandsnow,andiceandsleetandstormandblisteringsun,withnoshelter,nobed,nocoveringforhisandhis

family'snakedbodies,andnothingtoeatbutsnakesandgrubsand'offal.Thiswouldbeahelltohim;andifhehadanywisdomhewouldknowthathisowncivilizationisahelltothesavage—buthehasn'tany,andhasneverhadany;andforlackofitheshutupthosepoornativesintheunimaginableperditionofhiscivilization,committinghiscrimewiththeverybestintentions,andsawthosepoor creatureswaste awayunderhis tortures; andgazedat it, vaguelytroubled and sorrowful, andwonderedwhat could be thematterwith them.Oneisalmostbetrayedintorespectingthosecriminals,theyweresosincerelykind,andtender,andhumane;andwell-meaning.They didn't knowwhy those exiled savages faded away, and they did theirhonestbesttoreasonitout.Andoneman,inalikecaseinNewSouthWales,didreasonitoutandarriveatasolution:"It is from the wrath of God, which is revealed from heaven against coldungodlinessandunrighteousnessofmen."Thatsettlesit.

CHAPTERXXVIII.

Letusbethankfulforthefools.Butforthemtherestofuscouldnotsucceed.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.Theaphorismdoesreallyseemtrue:"GiventheCircumstances,theManwillappear."Butthemanmusn'tappearaheadoftime,oritwillspoileverything.In Robinson's case the Moment had been approaching for a quarter of acentury—andmeantimethefutureConciliatorwastranquillylayingbricksinHobart.When all othermeans had failed, theMoment had arrived, and theBricklayerputdownhistrowelandcameforward.Earlierhewouldhavebeenjeeredbacktohistrowelagain.ItremindsmeofatalethatwastoldmebyaKentuckianonthetrainwhenwewerecrossingMontana.HesaidthetalewascurrentinLouisvilleyearsago.Hethoughtithadbeeninprint,butcouldnotremember.Atanyrate,insubstanceitwasthis,asnearlyasIcancallitbacktomind.A few years before the outbreak of the Civil War it began to appear thatMemphis, Tennessee, was going to be a great tobacco entrepot—the wisecouldsee thesignsof it.At that timeMemphishadawharfboat,ofcourse.Therewasapavedslopingwharf, for theaccommodationof freight,but thesteamerslandedontheoutsideofthewharfboat,andallloadingandunloadingwasdoneacrossit,betweensteamerandshore.Anumberofwharfboatclerkswereneeded,andpartofthetime,everyday,theywereverybusy,andpartofthe time tediously idle. Theywere boiling over with youth and spirits, and

theyhad tomake the intervals of idleness endurable in someway; and as arule, they did it by contriving practical jokes and playing them upon eachother.The favorite butt for the jokes was Ed Jackson, because he played nonehimself, and was easy game for other people's—for he always believedwhateverwastoldhim.One day he told the others his scheme for his holiday. He was not goingfishingorhuntingthistime—no,hehadthoughtoutabetterplan.Outofhis$40amonthhehadsavedenoughforhispurpose,inaneconomicalway,andhewasgoingtohavealookatNewYork.Itwasagreatandsurprisingidea.Itmeanttravel—immensetravel—inthosedaysitmeantseeingtheworld;itwastheequivalentofavoyagearounditinours.At first theotheryouths thoughthismindwasaffected,butwhen theyfoundthathewasinearnest,thenextthingtobethoughtofwas,whatsortofopportunitythisventuremightaffordforapracticaljoke.The youngmen studied over thematter, then held a secret consultation andmadeaplan.Theideawas,thatoneoftheconspiratorsshouldofferEdaletterof introduction toCommodoreVanderbilt,and trickhimintodelivering it. Itwould be easy to do this. But what would Ed do when he got back toMemphis?Thatwasa seriousmatter.Hewasgood-hearted, andhadalwaystakenthejokespatiently;buttheyhadbeenjokeswhichdidnothumiliatehim,didnotbringhim toshame;whereas, thiswouldbeacruelone in thatway,andtoplayitwastomeddlewithfire;forwithallhisgoodnature,EdwasaSoutherner—and theEnglishof thatwas, thatwhenhecamebackhewouldkillasmanyoftheconspiratorsashecouldbeforefallinghimself.However,thechancesmustbetaken—itwouldn'tdotowastesuchajokeasthat.So the letter was prepared with great care and elaboration. It was signedAlfredFairchild,andwaswritteninaneasyandfriendlyspirit. Itstatedthatthebearerwasthebosomfriendofthewriter'sson,andwasofgoodpartsandsterling character, and it begged the Commodore to be kind to the youngstrangerforthewriter'ssake.Itwentontosay,"Youmayhaveforgottenme,in this long stretch of time, but you will easily call me back out of yourboyhood memories when I remind you of how we robbed old Stevenson'sorchardthatnight;andhow,whilehewaschasingdowntheroadafterus,wecutacrossthefieldanddoubledbackandsoldhisownapplestohisowncookforahat-fullofdoughnuts;andthetimethatwe——"andsoforthandsoon,bringinginnamesofimaginarycomrades,anddetailingallsortsofwildandabsurdand,ofcourse,whollyimaginaryschoolboypranksandadventures,butputtingthemintolivelyandtellingshape.WithallgravityEdwasaskedifhewouldliketohavealettertoCommodore

Vanderbilt, the great millionaire. It was expected that the question wouldastonishEd,anditdid."What?Doyouknowthatextraordinaryman?""No;butmyfatherdoes.Theywereschoolboystogether.Andifyoulike,I'llwriteandaskfather.Iknowhe'llbegladtogiveittoyouformysake."Edcouldnotfindwordscapableofexpressinghisgratitudeanddelight.Thethreedayspassed,andtheletterwasputintohisbands.Hestartedonhistrip,stillpouringouthisthankswhileheshookgood-byeallaround.Andwhenhewas out of sight his comrades let fly their laughter in a storm of happysatisfaction—andthenquieteddown,andwere lesshappy, lesssatisfied.Fortheolddoubtsastothewisdomofthisdeceptionbegantointrudeagain.ArrivedinNewYork,EdfoundhiswaytoCommodoreVanderbilt'sbusinessquarters,andwasusheredintoalargeanteroom,whereascoreofpeoplewerepatientlyawaitingtheirturnforatwo-minuteinterviewwiththemillionaireinhisprivateoffice.AservantaskedforEd'scard,andgottheletterinstead.Edwassentforamomentlater,andfoundMr.Vanderbiltalone,withtheletter—open—inhishand."Praysitdown,Mr.—er—""Jackson.""Ah—sitdown,Mr.Jackson.Bytheopeningsentencesitseemstobealetterfromanoldfriend.Allowme—Iwillrunmyeyethroughit.Hesayshesays—why, who is it?" He turned the sheet and found the signature. "AlfredFairchild—hm—Fairchild—I don't recall the name. But that is nothing—athousandnameshavegonefromme.Hesays—hesays-hm-hmoh,dear,butit'sgood!Oh,it'srare!Idon'tquiterememberit,butIseemtoit'llallcomebacktome presently.He says—he says—hm—hm-oh, but thatwas a game!Oh,spl-endid!Howitcarriesmeback!It'salldim,ofcourseit'salongtimeago—and the names—some of the names are wavery and indistinct—but sho', Iknowithappened—Icanfeelit!andlord,howitwarmsmyheart,andbringsbackmylostyouth!Well,well,well,I'vegottocomebackintothiswork-a-dayworld now—business presses and people arewaiting—I'll keep the restforbedto-night,andlivemyyouthoveragain.Andyou'llthankFairchildformewhenyouseehim—Iused tocallhimAlf, I think—andyou'llgivehimmy gratitude for—what this letter has done for the tired spirit of a hard-workedman; and tell him there isn't anything that I can do for him or anyfriendofhis thatIwon'tdo.Andasforyou,mylad,youaremyguest;youcan'tstopatanyhotelinNewYork.Sit.whereyouarealittlewhile,tillIgetthroughwiththesepeople,thenwe'llgohome.I'lltakecareofyou,myboy—makeyourselfeasyastothat."Ed stayed aweek, and had an immense time—and never suspected that the

Commodore's shrewdeyewasonhim,and thathewasdailybeingweighedandmeasuredandanalyzedandtriedandtested.Yes,hehadanimmensetime;andneverwrotehome,butsaveditalluptotellwhen he should get back. Twice, with proper modesty and decency, heproposedtoendhisvisit,buttheCommodoresaid,"No—wait;leaveittome;I'lltellyouwhentogo."InthosedaystheCommodorewasmakingsomeofthosevastcombinationsofhis—consolidations of warring odds and ends of railroads into harmonioussystems,andconcentrationsoffloatingandrudderlesscommerceineffectivecenters—and among other things his farseeing eye had detected theconvergence of that huge tobacco-commerce, already spoken of, towardMemphis,andhehadresolvedtosethisgraspuponitandmakeithisown.Theweekcametoanend.ThentheCommodoresaid:"Nowyoucan starthome.But firstwewillhave somemore talkabout thattobaccomatter. Iknowyounow. Iknowyourabilities aswell asyouknowthem yourself—perhaps better. You understand that tobacco matter; youunderstand that Iamgoing to takepossessionof it,andyoualsounderstandtheplanswhichIhavematuredfordoingit.WhatIwantisamanwhoknowsmymind, and is qualified to representme inMemphis, and be in supremecommandofthatimportantbusiness—andIappointyou.""Me!""Yes.Yoursalarywillbehigh—ofcourse-foryouarerepresentingme.Lateryouwillearnincreasesofit,andwillgetthem.Youwillneedasmallarmyofassistants;choosethemyourself—andcarefully.Takenomanforfriendship'ssake;but,allthingsbeingequal,takethemanyouknow,takeyourfriend,inpreference to the stranger." After some further talk under this head, theCommodoresaid:"Good-bye,myboy,andthankAlfforme,forsendingyoutome."WhenEdreachedMemphisherusheddowntothewharfinafevertotellhisgreatnewsandthanktheboysoverandoveragainforthinkingtogivehimthelettertoMr.Vanderbilt.Ithappenedtobeoneofthoseidletimes.Blazinghotnoonday,andnosignoflifeonthewharf.ButasEdthreadedhiswayamongthefreightpiles,hesawawhitelinenfigurestretchedinslumberuponapileofgrain-sacksunderanawning,andsaidtohimself,"That'soneofthem,"andhastened his step; next, he said, "It's Charley—it's Fairchild good"; and thenext moment laid an affectionate hand on the sleeper's shoulder. The eyesopenedlazily,tookoneglance,thefaceblanched,theformwhirleditselffromthesack-pile,andinaninstantEdwasaloneandFairchildwasflyingforthewharf-boatlikethewind!

Edwasdazed,stupefied.WasFairchildcrazy?Whatcouldbethemeaningofthis?He started slow and dreamily down toward thewharf-boat; turned thecornerofafreight-pileandcamesuddenlyupontwooftheboys.Theywerelightly laughingover somepleasantmatter; theyheardhis step,andglancedup justashediscovered them; the laughdiedabruptly;andbeforeEdcouldspeaktheywereoff,andsailingoverbarrelsandbaleslikehunteddeer.AgainEdwasparalyzed.Hadtheboysallgonemad?Whatcouldbetheexplanationofthisextraordinaryconduct?Andso,dreamingalong,hereachedthewharf-boat,andsteppedaboard—nothingbutsilencethere,andvacancy.Hecrossedthedeck,turnedthecornertogodowntheouterguard,heardafervent—"Olord!"andsawawhitelinenformplungeoverboard.Theyouthcameupcoughingandstrangling,andcriedout—"Go'wayfromhere!Youletmealone.Ididn'tdoit,IswearIdidn't!""Didn'tdowhat?""Giveyouthe——""Nevermindwhatyoudidn'tdo—comeoutof that!Whatmakesyouallactso?WhathaveIdone?""You?Whyyouhaven'tdoneanything.But——""Well,then,whathaveyougotagainstme?Whatdoyoualltreatmesofor?""I—er—buthaven'tyougotanythingagainstus?""Ofcoursenot.Whatputsuchathingintoyourhead?""Honorbright—youhaven't?"Honorbright.""Swearit!""Idon'tknowwhatintheworldyoumean,butIswearit,anyway.""Andyou'llshakehandswithme?""GoodnessknowsI'llbeglad to!Why,I'mjuststarving toshakehandswithsomebody!"The swimmermuttered, "Hang him, he smelt a rat and never delivered theletter!—butit'sallright,I'mnotgoingtofetchupthesubject."Andhecrawledoutandcamedrippinganddrainingtoshakehands.Firstoneandthenanotherof the conspirators showed up cautiously—armed to the teeth—took in theamicablesituation,thenventuredwarilyforwardandjoinedthelove-feast.AndtoEd'seagerinquiryastowhatmadethemactastheyhadbeenacting,theyansweredevasively,andpretendedthattheyhadputitupasajoke,toseewhathewoulddo.Itwasthebestexplanationtheycouldinventatsuchshort

notice.Andeachsaidtohimself,"Heneverdeliveredthatletter,andthejokeisonus,ifheonlyknewitorweweredullenoughtocomeoutandtell."Then,ofcourse,theywantedtoknowallaboutthetrip;andhesaid—"Come right up on the boiler deck and order the drinks—it's my treat. I'mgoingtotellyouallaboutit.Andto-nightit'smytreatagain—andwe'llhaveoystersandatime!"Whenthedrinkswerebroughtandcigarslighted,Edsaid:"Well,whenIdeliveredthelettertoMr.Vanderbilt——""GreatScott!""Gracious,howyouscaredme.What'sthematter?""Oh—er—nothing.Nothing—itwasatackinthechair-seat,"saidone."Butyouallsaidit.However,nomatter.WhenIdeliveredtheletter——""Did you deliver it?" And they looked at each other as people might whothoughtthatmaybetheyweredreaming.Thentheysettledtolistening;andasthestorydeepenedanditsmarvelsgrew,theamazementofitmadethemdumb,andtheinterestofittooktheirbreath.Theyhardlyutteredawhisperduringtwohours,butsatlikepetrifactionsanddrankintheimmortalromance.Atlastthetalewasended,andEdsaid—"And it'sallowing toyou,boys,andyou'llnever findmeungrateful—blessyourhearts, thebestfriendsafelloweverhad!You'llallhaveplaces;Iwanteveryoneofyou.Iknowyou—Iknowyou'bytheback,'asthegamblerssay.You're jokers, and all that, but you're sterling, with the hallmark on. AndCharleyFairchild, you shall bemy first assistant and righthand, becauseofyourfirst-classability,andbecauseyougotmetheletter,andforyourfather'ssakewhowrote it forme, and to pleaseMr.Vanderbilt,who said itwould!Andhere'stothatgreatman—drinkhearty!"Yes, when theMoment comes, theMan appears—even if he is a thousandmilesaway,andhastobediscoveredbyapracticaljoke.

CHAPTERXXVIX.

Whenpeopledonotrespectuswearesharplyoffended;yetdeepdowninhisprivateheartnomanmuchrespectshimself.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.Necessarily, the human interest is the first interest in the log-book of anycountry.TheannalsofTasmania,inwhoseshadowweweresailing,arelurid

with that feature.Tasmaniawas a convict-dump, in old times; this has beenindicated in the account of theConciliator,where reference ismade to vainattempts of desperate convicts towin to permanent freedom, after escapingfromMacquarrieHarborandthe"GatesofHell."IntheearlydaysTasmaniahadagreatpopulationofconvicts,ofbothsexesandallages,andabitterhardlifetheyhad.Inonespottherewasasettlementofjuvenileconvicts—children—whohad been sent thither from their home and their friends on the othersideoftheglobetoexpiatetheir"crimes."InduecourseourshipenteredtheestuarycalledtheDerwent,atwhoseheadstandsHobart,thecapitalofTasmania.TheDerwent'sshoresfurnishsceneryof an interesting sort. The historian Laurie, whose book, "The Story ofAustralasia," is just out, invoices its features with considerable truth andintemperance: "The marvelous picturesqueness of every point of view,combinedwiththeclearbalmyatmosphereandthetransparencyoftheoceandepths,musthavedelightedanddeeplyimpressed"theearlyexplorers."Iftherock-bound coasts, sullen, defiant, and lowering, seemed uninviting, thesewereoccasionallybrokenintocharminglyalluringcovesflooredwithgoldensand, clad with evergreen shrubbery, and adorned with every variety ofindigenouswattle,she-oak,wildflower,andfern,fromthedelicatelygraceful'maiden-hair'tothepalm-like'oldman';whilethemajesticgum-tree,cleanandsmoothasthemastof'sometallammiral'piercestheclearairtotheheightof230feetormore."It looked so to me. "Coasting along Tasman's Peninsula, what a shock ofpleasantwondermusthavestrucktheearlymarineronsuddenlysightingCapePillar,with its cluster of black-ribbed basaltic columns rising to a height of900feet,thehydraheadwreathedinaturbanoffleecycloud,thebaselashedbyjealouswavesspoutingangryfountainsoffoam."Thatiswellenough,butIdidnotsupposethosesnagswere900feethigh.Stilltheywereaveryfineshow.Theystoodboldlyoutbythemselves,andmadeafascinatinglyoddspectacle.But therewasnothingabout theirappearance tosuggesttheheadsofahydra.Theylookedlikearowofloftyslabswiththeirupper ends tapered to the shape of a carving-knife point; in fact, the earlyvoyager,ignorantoftheirgreatheight,mighthavemistakenthemforarustyoldrankofpilesthathadsaggedthiswayandthatoutoftheperpendicular.The Peninsula is lofty, rocky, and densely clothed with scrub, or brush, orboth.It is joinedto themainbya lowneck.At this junctionwasformerlyaconvictstationcalledPortArthur—aplacehardtoescapefrom.Behinditwasthewildernessofscrub,inwhichafugitivewouldsoonstarve;infrontwasthenarrowneck,withacordonofchaineddogsacross it,anda lineof lanterns,andafenceoflivingguards,armed.Wesawtheplaceaswesweptby—thatis,wehadaglimpseofwhatweweretoldwastheentrancetoPortArthur.The

glimpsewasworthsomething,asaremembrancer,butthatwasall.ThevoyagethenceuptheDerwentFrithdisplaysagrandsuccessionoffairyvisions,initsentirelengthelsewhereunequaled.Inglidingoverthedeepbluesea studdedwith lovely islets luxuriant to thewater's edge, one is at a losswhichscenetochooseforcontemplationandtoadmiremost.WhentheHuonandBruni have been passed, there seems no possible chance of a rival; butsuddenlyMountWellington,massiveandnoblelikehisbrotherEtna,literallyheaves in sight, sternly guarded on either hand by Mounts Nelson andRumney;presentlywearriveatSullivan'sCove—Hobart!Itisanattractivetown.Itsitsonlowhillsthatslopetotheharbor—aharborthatlookslikeariver,andisassmoothasone.Itsstillsurfaceispicturedwithdaintyreflectionsofboatsandgrassybanksandluxuriantfoliage.Backofthetownrisehighlandsthatareclothedinwoodlandloveliness,andoverthewayisthatnoblemountain,Wellington,astatelybulk,amostmajesticpile.Howbeautiful is the whole region, for form, and grouping, and opulence, andfreshness of foliage, and variety of color, and grace and shapeliness of thehills, thecapes, thepromontories;and then, thesplendorof thesunlight, thedim rich distances, the charm of the water-glimpses! And it was in thisparadisethattheyellow-liveriedconvictswerelanded,andtheCorps-banditsquartered,andthewantonslaughterof thekangaroo-chasingblackinnocentsconsummatedonthatautumndayinMay,inthebrutisholdtime.Itwasalloutofkeepingwiththeplace,asortofbringingofheavenandhelltogether.The remembranceof thisparadise remindsme that itwasatHobart thatwestruck theheadof theprocessionof JuniorEnglands.Wewere to encounterother sections of it in New Zealand, presently, and others later in Natal.WherevertheexiledEnglishmancanfindinhisnewhomeresemblancestohisoldone,heistouchedtothemarrowofhisbeing;thelovethatisinhisheartinspireshisimagination,andthesealliedforcestransfigurethoseresemblancesinto authentic duplicates of the revered originals. It is beautiful, the feelingwhichworksthisenchantment,anditcompelsone'shomage;compelsit,andalso compels one's assent—compels it always—even when, as happenssometimes,onedoesnotseetheresemblancesasclearlyasdoestheexilewhoispointingthemout.The resemblances do exist, it is quite true; and often they cunninglyapproximate the originals—but after all, in the matter of certain physicalpatentrightsthereisonlyoneEngland.NowthatIhavesampledtheglobe,Iamnot in doubt.There is a beauty of Switzerland, and it is repeated in theglaciersandsnowyrangesofmanypartsoftheearth;thereisabeautyofthefiord, and it is repeated in New Zealand and Alaska; there is a beauty ofHawaii,anditisrepeatedintenthousandislandsoftheSouthernseas;thereisabeautyof theprairieand theplain,and it is repeatedhereand there in the

earth; each of these is worshipful, each is perfect in its way, yet holds nomonopolyofitsbeauty;butthatbeautywhichisEnglandisalone—ithasnoduplicate.It ismade up of very simple details—just grass, and trees, and shrubs, androads, and hedges, and gardens, and houses, and vines, and churches, andcastles, and here and there a ruin—and over it all amellow dream-haze ofhistory.Butitsbeautyisincomparable,andallitsown.Hobarthasapeculiarity—it is theneatest townthat thesunshineson;andIincline to believe that it is also the cleanest. However that may be, itssupremacyinneatnessisnottobequestioned.Therecannotbeanothertownin the world that has no shabby exteriors; no rickety gates and fences, noneglectedhouses crumbling to ruin,nocrazyandunsightly sheds,noweed-grown front-yards of the poor, no back-yards littered with tin cans and oldbootsandemptybottles,norubbishinthegutters,noclutteronthesidewalks,no outer-borders fraying out into dirty lanes and tin-patched huts. No, inHobart all the aspects are tidy, and all a comfort to the eye; themodestestcottage looks combed and brushed, and has its vines, its flowers, its neatfence,itsneatgate,itscomelycatasleeponthewindowledge.Wehadaglimpseofthemuseum,bycourtesyoftheAmericangentlemanwhoiscuratorofit.Ithassamplesofhalf-a-dozendifferentkindsofmarsupials—[Amarsupialisaplantigradevertebratewhosespecialtyisitspocket.Insomecountries it is extinct, in theothers it is rare.The firstAmericanmarsupialswereStephenGirard,Mr.Astorandtheopossum;theprincipalmarsupialsoftheSouthernHemisphereareMr.Rhodes,andthekangaroo.I,myself,amthelatestmarsupial.Also,ImightboastthatIhavethelargestpocketofthemall.But there isnothing in that.]—one, the"Tasmaniandevil;" that is, I thinkhewasoneofthem.Andtherewasafishwithlungs.Whenthewaterdriesupitcanliveinthemud.Mostcuriousofallwasaparrotthatkillssheep.Ononegreatsheep-runthisbirdkilleda thousandsheepinawholeyear.Hedoesn'twantthewholesheep,butonlythekidney-fat.Thisrestrictedtastemakeshimanexpensivebird to support.Toget the fathedriveshisbeak inand rips itout;thewoundismortal.Thisparrotfurnishesanotableexampleofevolutionbroughtaboutbychangedconditions.Whenthesheepculturewasintroduced,it presently brought famine to the parrot by exterminating a kind of grubwhichhadalwaysthithertobeentheparrot'sdiet.Themiseriesofhungermadethebirdwillingtoeatrawflesh,sinceitcouldgetnootherfood,anditbegantopick remnantsofmeat fromsheepskinshungouton the fences todry. Itsooncametoprefersheepmeat toanyotherfood,andbyandbyitcametopreferthekidney-fattoanyotherdetailofthesheep.Theparrot'sbillwasnotwell shaped fordiggingout the fat,butNature fixed thatmatter; shealteredthebill'sshape,andnowtheparrotcandigoutkidney-fatbetterthantheChief

Justice of the Supreme Court, or anybody else, for that matter—even anAdmiral.And there was another curiosity—quite a stunning one, I thought: Arrow-headsandknives just like thosewhichPrimevalManmadeoutof flint, andthoughthehaddonesuchawonderfulthing—yes,andhasbeenhumoredandcoddled in that superstition by this age of admiring scientists until there isprobablynolivingwithhimintheotherworldbynow.Yethereishisfinestandnicestworkexactlyduplicatedinourday;andbypeoplewhohaveneverheardofhimorhisworks:byaborigineswholivedintheislandsoftheseseas,withinourtime.Andtheynotonlyduplicatedthoseworksofartbutdiditinthebrittlestandmosttreacherousofsubstances—glass:madethemoutofoldbrandybottles flungoutof theBritishcamps;millionsof tonsof them. It istimeforPrimevalMantomakealittlelessnoise,now.Hehashadhisday.Heisnotwhatheusedtobe.Wehadadrivethroughabloomyandodorousfairy-land,totheRefugefortheIndigent—aspaciousandcomfortablehome,withhospitals,etc.,forbothsexes.Therewasacrowdinthere,oftheoldestpeopleIhaveeverseen.Itwaslikebeingsuddenlysetdowninanewworld—aweirdworldwhereYouthhasneverbeen,aworldsacredtoAge,andbowedforms,andwrinkles.Outofthe359personspresent,223wereex-convicts,andcouldhave toldstirring tales,nodoubt, if theyhadbeenminded to talk;42of the359werepast80, and severalwerecloseupon90; theaverageageatdeaththere is 76 years.As forme, I have no use for that place; it is too healthy.Seventy is old enough—after that, there is toomuch risk.Youth and gaietymightvanish,anyday—andthen,whatisleft?Deathinlife;deathwithoutitsprivileges,deathwithoutitsbenefits.Therewere185womeninthatRefuge,and81ofthemwereex-convicts.The steamer disappointed us. Instead of making a long visit at Hobart, asusual,shemadeashortone.SowegotbutaglimpseofTasmania,andthenmovedon.

CHAPTERXXX.

Naturemakesthelocustwithanappetiteforcrops;manwouldhavemadehimwithanappetiteforsand.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.Wespentpartofanafternoonandanightatsea,andreachedBluff, inNewZealand,earlyinthemorning.Bluffisatthebottomofthemiddleisland,andisawaydownsouth,nearlyforty-sevendegreesbelowtheequator.ItliesasfarsouthofthelineasQuebecliesnorthofit,andtheclimatesofthetwoshould

bealike;butforsomereasonorotherithasnotbeensoarranged.Quebecishotinthesummerandcoldinthewinter,butBluff'sclimateislessintense;thecold weather is not very cold, the hot weather is not very hot; and thedifference between the hottest month and the coldest is but 17 degreesFahrenheit.InNewZealandtherabbitplaguebeganatBluff.Themanwhointroducedtherabbittherewasbanquetedandlauded;buttheywouldhanghim,now,iftheycould get him. In England the natural enemy of the rabbit is detested andpersecuted;intheBluffregionthenaturalenemyoftherabbitishonored,andhispersonissacred.Therabbit'snaturalenemyinEnglandisthepoacher,inBluff its natural enemy is the stoat, the weasel, the ferret, the cat, and themongoose.InEnglandanypersonbelowtheHeirwhoiscaughtwitharabbitinhispossessionmustsatisfactorilyexplainhowitgotthere,orhewillsufferfineand imprisonment, togetherwithextinctionofhispeerage; inBluff, thecatfoundwitharabbitinitspossessiondoesnothavetoexplain—everybodylooks the other way; the person caught noticing would suffer fine andimprisonment,withextinctionofpeerage.Thisisasurewaytounderminethemoralfabricofacat.Thirtyyearsfromnowtherewillnotbeamoralcat inNewZealand.Somethinkthereisnonetherenow.InEnglandthepoacheriswatched, tracked, hunted—he dare not show his face; in Bluff the cat, theweasel, the stoat, and the mongoose go up and down, whither they will,unmolested. By a law of the legislature, posted where all may read, it isdecreed thatanypersonfoundinpossessionofoneof thesecreatures(dead)mustsatisfactorilyexplainthecircumstancesorpayafineofnotlessthanL5,normore thanL20.The revenue from this source is not large.Personswhowanttopayahundreddollarsforadeadcataregettingrarerandrarereveryday.Thisisbad,fortherevenuewastogototheendowmentofaUniversity.All governments are more or less short-sighted: in England they fine thepoacher, whereas he ought to be banished to New Zealand. New Zealandwouldpayhisway,andgivehimwages.ItwasfromBluffthatweoughttohavecutacrosstothewestcoastandvisitedtheNewZealand Switzerland, a land of superb scenery,made up of snowygrandeurs,andmightyglaciers,andbeautiful lakes;andover there,also,arethewonderfulrivalsoftheNorwegianandAlaskanfiords;andforneighbor,awaterfallof1,900feet;butwewereobligedtopostponethetriptosomelaterandindefinitetime.November6.A lovely summermorning; brilliant blue sky.A fewmiles outfromInvercargill,passedthroughvastlevelgreenexpansessnowedoverwithsheep.Finetosee.Thegreen,deepandveryvividsometimes;atothertimesless so, but delicate and lovely. A passenger reminds me that I am in "theEnglandoftheFarSouth."

Dunedin, samedate.The town justifiesMichaelDavitt'spraises.ThepeopleareScotch.Theystoppedhereon theirwayfromhome toheaven—thinkingthey had arrived. The population is stated at 40,000, by Malcolm Ross,journalist;statedbyanM.P.at60,000.Ajournalistcannotlie.TotheresidenceofDr.Hockin.HehasafinecollectionofbooksrelatingtoNewZealand;andhishouseisamuseumofMaoriartandantiquities.Hehaspicturesandprintsincolorofmanynativechiefsofthepast—someofthemofnoteinhistory.Thereisnothingofthesavageinthefaces;nothingcouldbefiner than these men's features, nothing more intellectual than these faces,nothingmoremasculine,nothingnobler thantheiraspect.TheaboriginalsofAustraliaandTasmanialookedthesavage,butthesechiefslookedlikeRomanpatricians. The tattooing in these portraits ought to suggest the savage, ofcourse,butitdoesnot.Thedesignsaresoflowingandgracefulandbeautifulthattheyareamostsatisfactorydecoration.Ittakesbutfifteenminutestogetreconciledtothetattooing,andbutfifteenmoretoperceivethatit is just thething.Afterthat,theundecoratedEuropeanfaceisunpleasantandignoble.Dr.Hockiun gave us a ghastly curiosity—a lignified caterpillarwith a plantgrowingoutofthebackofitsneck—aplantwithaslenderstem4incheshigh.Ithappenednotbyaccident,butbydesign—Nature'sdesign.ThiscaterpillarwasintheactofloyallycarryingoutalawinflicteduponhimbyNature—alawpurposelyinflicteduponhimtogethimintotrouble—alawwhichwasatrap; in pursuance of this law he made the proper preparations for turninghimself intoanight-moth; that is tosay,heduga little trench,a littlegrave,andthenstretchedhimselfoutinitonhisstomachandpartiallyburiedhimself—thenNaturewas ready for him.She blew the spores of a peculiar fungusthroughtheairwithapurpose.Someofthemfellintoacreaseinthebackofthecaterpillar'sneck,andbegantosproutandgrow—fortherewassoilthere—he had not washed his neck. The roots forced themselves down into theworm'sperson,andrearwardalongthroughitsbody,suckingupthecreature'sjuices for sap; thewormslowlydied, and turned towood.Andherehewasnow,awoodencaterpillar,witheverydetailofhisformerphysiquedelicatelyandexactlypreservedandperpetuated,andwiththatstemstandingupoutofhimforhismonument—monumentcommemorativeofhisownloyaltyandofNature'sunfairreturnforit.Natureisalwaysactinglikethat.Mrs.X.said(ofcourse)that thecaterpillarwas not conscious and didn't suffer. She should have known better. NocaterpillarcandeceiveNature.If thisonecouldn'tsuffer,Naturewouldhaveknown it andwould have hunted up another caterpillar.Not that shewouldhave let this one go,merely because it was defective. No. Shewould havewaitedandlethimturnintoanight-moth;andthenfriedhiminthecandle.Naturecakesafish'seyesoverwithparasites,sothatitshan'tbeabletoavoid

itsenemiesorfinditsfood.Shesendsparasitesintoastar-fish'ssystem,whichclogup itsprongsandswell themandmake themsouncomfortable that thepoorcreaturedeliversitselffromtheprongtoeaseitsmisery;andpresentlyithastopartwithanotherprongforthesakeofcomfort,andfinallywithathird.If it re-growstheprongs, theparasitereturnsandthesamethingisrepeated.Andfinally,whentheabilitytoreproduceprongsislostthroughage,thatpooroldstar-fishcan'tgetaroundanymore,andsoitdiesofstarvation.InAustraliaisprevalentahorriblediseaseduetoan"unperfectedtapeworm."Unperfected—that is what they call it, I do not know why, for it transactsbusinessjustaswellasifitwerefinishedandfrescoedandgilded,andallthat.November9.TothemuseumandpublicpicturegallerywiththepresidentoftheSocietyofArtists.Somefinepicturesthere,lentbytheS.ofA.severalofthemtheybought,theotherscametothembygift.Next,tothegalleryoftheS. of A.—annual exhibition—just opened. Fine. Think of a town like thishavingtwosuchcollectionsas this,andaSocietyofArtists.It issoalloverAustralasia.Ifitwereamonarchyonemightunderstandit.Imeananabsolutemonarchy, where it isn't necessary to vote money, but take it. Then artflourishes.But thesecolonies are republics—republicswith awide suffrage;voters of both sexes, this one of New Zealand. In republics, neither thegovernmentnortherichprivatecitizenismuchgiventopropagatingart.AlloverAustralasiapicturesbyfamousEuropeanartistsareboughtforthepublicgalleriesby theState andby societiesof citizens.Livingcitizens—notdeadones.Theyrobthemselvestogive,nottheirheirs.ThisS.ofA.hereownsitsbuildingbuiltitbysubscription.

CHAPTERXXXI.

The spirit of wrath—not the words—is the sin; and the spirit of wrath iscursing.Webegintoswearbeforewecantalk.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.November11.Ontheroad.Thistrain-expressgoestwentyandone-halfmilesanhour,scheduletime;butitisfastenough,theoutlookuponseaandlandisso interesting, and the cars so comfortable. They are not English, and notAmerican; they are the Swiss combination of the two.A narrow and railedporch along the side,where a person canwalk up and down.A lavatory ineach car.This is progress; this is nineteenth-century spirit. InNewZealand,thesefastexpressesruntwiceaweek.Itiswelltoknowthisifyouwanttobeabirdandflythroughthecountryata20-milegait;otherwiseyoumaystartononeofthefivewrongdays,andthenyouwillgetatrainthatcan'tovertake

itsownshadow.By contrast, these pleasant cars call to mind the branch-road cars atMaryborough,Australia, and the passengers' talk about the branch-road andthehotel.SomewhereontheroadtoMaryboroughIchangedforawhiletoasmoking-carriage.Thereweretwogentlementhere;bothridingbackward,oneateachendof thecompartment.Theywereacquaintancesofeachother. I satdownfacing the one that sat at the starboardwindow.He had a good face, and afriendlylook,andIjudgedfromhisdressthathewasadissentingminister.Hewasalong toward fifty.Ofhisownmotionhe struckamatch,andshaded itwithhishandformetolightmycigar.Itaketherestfrommydiary:InordertostartconversationIaskedhimsomethingaboutMaryborough.Hesaid, in a most pleasant—even musical voice, but with quiet and cultureddecision:"It'sacharmingtown,withahellofahotel."Iwasastonished.Itseemedsooddtohearaministerswearoutloud.Hewentplacidlyon:"It's the worst hotel in Australia. Well, one may go further, and say inAustralasia.""Badbeds?""No—noneatall.Justsand-bags.""Thepillows,too?""Yes,thepillows,too.Justsand.Andnotagoodqualityofsand.Itpackstoohard, andhasneverbeen screened.There is toomuchgravel in it. It is likesleepingonnuts.""Isn'tthereanygoodsand?""Plentyofit.Thereisasgoodbed-sandinthisregionastheworldcanfurnish.Aeratedsand—andloose;buttheywon'tbuyit.Theywantsomethingthatwillpacksolid,andpetrify.""Howaretherooms?""Eightfeetsquare;andasheetoficedoil-clothtosteponinthemorningwhenyougetoutofthesand-quarry.""Astolights?""Coal-oillamp.""Agoodone?""No.It'sthekindthatshedsagloom."

"Ilikealampthatburnsallnight.""Thisonewon't.Youmustblowitoutearly.""Thatisbad.Onemightwantitagaininthenight.Can'tfinditinthedark.""There'snotrouble;youcanfinditbythestench.""Wardrobe?""Twonailsonthedoortohangsevensuitsofclothesonifyou'vegotthem.""Bells?""Therearen'tany.""Whatdoyoudowhenyouwantservice?""Shout.Butitwon'tfetchanybody.""Supposeyouwantthechambermaidtoemptytheslopjar?""There isn't any slop-jar. The hotels don't keep them. That is, outside ofSydneyandMelbourne.""Yes,Iknewthat.Iwasonlytalking.It'stheoddestthinginAustralia.Anotherthing:I'vegottogetupinthedark,inthemorning,totakethe5o'clocktrain.Nowiftheboots——""Thereisn'tany.""Well,theporter.""Thereisn'tany.""Butwhowillcallme?""Nobody.You'llcallyourself.Andyou'lllightyourself,too.There'llnotbealightburning in thehalls or anywhere.And if youdon't carry a light, you'llbreakyourneck.""Butwhowillhelpmedownwithmybaggage?""Nobody. However, I will tell you what to do. In Maryborough there's anAmericanwhohaslivedtherehalfalifetime;afineman,andprosperousandpopular.Hewillbeonthelookoutforyou;youwon'thaveanytrouble.Sleepinpeace;hewill routyouout,andyouwillmakeyour train.Where isyourmanager?""I left him atBallarat, studying the language.And besides, he had to go toMelbourne and get us ready forNewZealand. I've not tried to pilotmyselfbefore,anditdoesn'tlookeasy.""Easy!You'veselectedtheverymostdifficultpieceofrailroadinAustraliaforyourexperiment.Thereare twelvemilesof this roadwhichnomanwithoutgood executive ability can ever hope—tell me, have you good executive

ability?first-rateexecutiveability?""I—well,Ithinkso,but——""That settles it.The toneof——oh,youwouldn't evermake it in theworld.However, that American will point you right, and you'll go. You've gottickets?""Yes—roundtrip;allthewaytoSydney.""Ah, there it is, you see! You are going in the 5 o'clock by Castlemaine—twelvemiles—insteadofthe7.15byBallarat—inordertosavetwohoursoffooling along the road. Now then, don't interrupt—let me have the floor.You'regoingtosavethegovernmentadealofhauling,butthat'snothing;yourticketisbyBallarat,anditisn'tgoodoverthattwelvemiles,andso——""ButwhyshouldthegovernmentcarewhichwayIgo?""Goodnessknows!Askofthewindsthatfarawaywithfragmentsstrewedthesea, as theboy that stoodon theburningdeckused to say.Thegovernmentchoosestodoitsrailwaybusinessinitsownway,anditdoesn'tknowasmuchabout itas theFrench. In thebeginning they tried idiots; then they importedtheFrench—whichwasgoingbackwards,yousee;nowitrunstheroadsitself—which isgoingbackwardsagain,you see.Why,doyouknow, inorder tocurry favor with the voters, the government puts down a road whereveranybody wants it—anybody that owns two sheep and a dog; and byconsequencewe'vegot,inthecolonyofVictoria,800railwaystations,andthebusinessdoneateightyofthemdoesn'tfootuptwentyshillingsaweek.""Fivedollars?Oh,come!""It'strue.It'stheabsolutetruth.""Why,therearethreeorfourmenonwagesateverystation.""Iknowit.Andthestation-businessdoesn'tpayforthesheep-diptosanctifytheircoffeewith.It'sjustasIsay.Andaccommodating?Why,ifyoushakearagthetrainwillstopinthemidstof thewildernesstopickyouup.All thatkindofpolitics costs, you see.And then,besides, any town thathas agoodmany votes and wants a fine station, gets it. Don't you overlook thatMaryboroughstation,ifyoutakeaninterestingovernmentalcuriosities.Why,youcanputthewholepopulationofMaryboroughintoit,andgivethemasofaapiece,andhaveroomformore.Youhaven'tfifteenstationsinAmericathatare as big, and you probably haven't five that are half as fine. Why, it'sperfectlyelegant.And theclock!Everybodywill showyou theclock.Thereisn'tastationinEuropethat'sgotsuchaclock.Itdoesn'tstrike—andthat'sonemercy. Ithasn't anybell; andasyou'llhavecause to remember, ifyoukeepyourreason,allAustraliaissimplybedamnedwithbells.Oneveryquarter-hour,nightandday, they jinglea tiresomechimeofhalfa

dozennotes—all the clocks in town at once, all the clocks inAustralasia atonce,andalltheverysamenotes;first,downwardscale:mi,re,do,sol—thenupwardscale:sol,si,re,do—downagain:mi,re,do,sol—upagain:sol,si,re,do—then the clock—say atmidnight clang—clang—clang—clang—clang—clang—clang—clang—clang— clang——and, by that time you're—hello,what'sall thisexcitementabout?Oh I see—arunaway—scaredby the train;why,youwouldn'tthinkthistraincouldscareanything.Well,ofcours,whenthey build and run eighty stations at a loss and a lot of palace-stations andclocks like Maryborough's at another loss, the government has got toeconomize somewhere hasn't it? Very well look at the rolling stock. That'swheretheysavethemoney.Why,thattrainfromMaryboroughwillconsistofeighteen freight-cars and two passenger-kennels; cheap, poor, shabby,slovenly; no drinking water, no sanitary arrangements, every imaginableinconvenience; and slow?—oh, the gait of cold molasses; no air-brake, nosprings, and they'll jolt your head off every time they start or stop. That'swheretheymaketheirlittleeconomies,yousee.Theyspendtonsofmoneytohouseyoupalatiallywhileyouwait fifteenminutes fora train, thendegradeyoutosixhours'convict-transportationtogetthefoolishoutlayback.Whatarationalmanreallyneedsisdiscomfortwhilehe'swaiting,thenhisjourneyinanicetrainwouldbeagratefulchange.Butno,thatwouldbecommonsense—andoutofplaceinagovernment.Andthen,besides,theysaveinthatotherlittle detail, you know—repudiate their own tickets, and collect a poor littleillegitimateextrashillingoutofyouforthattwelvemiles,and——""Well,inanycase——""Wait—there'smore. Leave that American out of the account and seewhatwould happen. There's nobody on hand to examine your ticket when youarrive.Buttheconductorwillcomeandexamineitwhenthetrainisreadytostart.Itistoolatetobuyyourextraticketnow;thetraincan'twait,andwon't.Youmustclimbout.""Butcan'tIpaytheconductor?""No,heisnotauthorizedtoreceivethemoney,andhewon't.Youmustclimbout.There'snootherway.Itellyou,therailwaymanagementisabouttheonlythoroughlyEuropeanthinghere—continentallyEuropeanImean,notEnglish.It's the continental business in perfection; down fine. Oh, yes, even to thepeanut-commerceofweighingbaggage."Thetrainslowedupathisplace.Ashesteppedouthesaid:"Yes, you'll likeMaryborough. Plenty of intelligence there. It's a charmingplace—withahellofahotel."Thenhewasgone.Iturnedtotheothergentleman:"Isyourfriendintheministry?"

"No—studyingforit."

CHAPTERXXXII.

ThemanwithanewideaisaCrankuntiltheideasucceeds.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.ItwasJuniorEnglandallthewaytoChristchurch—infact,justagarden.AndChristchurch isanEnglish town,withanEnglish-parkannex,andawindingEnglishbrookjustliketheAvon—andnamedtheAvon;butfromaman,notfromShakespeare's river. Its grassy banks are borderedby the stateliest andmost impressiveweepingwillows tobe found in theworld, I suppose.Theycontinue the line of a great ancestor; they were grown from sprouts of thewillow that sheltered Napoleon's grave in St. Helena. It is a settled oldcommunity, with all the serenities, the graces, the conveniences, and thecomforts of the ideal home-life. If it had an established Church and socialinequalityitwouldbeEnglandoveragainwithhardlyalack.In themuseumwesawmanycuriousand interesting things;amongothersafinenativehouseoftheoldentime,withallthedetailstruetothefacts,andtheshowycolorsrightandintheirproperplaces.Allthedetails:thefinematsandrugs and things; the elaborate and wonderful wood carvings—wonderful,surely, considering who did them—wonderful in design and particularly inexecution,fortheyweredonewithadmirablesharpnessandexactness,andyetwithnobettertoolsthanflintandjadeandshellcouldfurnish;andthetotem-postswere there,ancestoraboveancestor,with tonguesprotrudedandhandsclasped comfortably over bellies containing other people's ancestors—grotesqueanduglydevils,everyone,but lovinglycarved,andably;and thestuffednativeswerepresent,intheirproperplaces,andlookingasnaturalaslife; and the housekeeping utensils were there, too, and close at hand thecarvedandfinelyornamentedwarcanoe.Andwesaw little jadegods, tohangaround theneck—noteverybody's,butsacredtothenecksofnativesofrank.Alsojadeweapons,andmanykindsofjadetrinkets—allmadeoutofthatexcessivelyhardstonewithoutthehelpofany tool of iron. And some of these things had small round holes boredthroughthem—nobodyknowshowitwasdone;amystery,alostart.Ithinkitwassaidthatifyouwantsuchaholeboredinapieceofjadenow,youmustsendittoLondonorAmsterdamwherethelapidariesare.AlsowesawacompleteskeletonofthegiantMoa.Itstoodtenfeethigh,andmusthavebeenasight to lookatwhen itwasa livingbird. Itwasakicker,liketheostrich;infightitdidnotuseitsbeak,butitsfoot.Itmusthavebeena

convincingkindofkick.Ifapersonhadhisbacktothebirdanddidnotseewhoitwasthatdidit,hewouldthinkhehadbeenkickedbyawind-mill.Theremusthavebeenasufficiencyofmoasintheoldforgottendayswhenhisbreed walked the earth. His bones are found in vast masses, all crammedtogether in huge graves. They are not in caves, but in the ground. Nobodyknowshowtheyhappenedtogetconcentratedthere.Mind,theyarebones,notfossils.Thismeansthatthemoahasnotbeenextinctverylong.Still,thisistheonly New Zealand creature which has no mention in that otherwisecomprehensiveliterature,thenativelegends.Thisisasignificantdetail,andisgoodcircumstantial evidence that themoahasbeenextinct500years, sincetheMaorihashimself—bytradition—been inNewZealandsince theendofthefifteenthcentury.Hecamefromanunknownland—thefirstMaoridid—then sailed back in his canoe and brought his tribe, and they removed theaboriginalpeoplesintotheseaandintothegroundandtooktheland.Thatisthetradition.ThatthatfirstMaoricouldcome,isunderstandable,foranybodycancometoaplacewhenheisn'ttryingto;buthowthatdiscovererfoundhiswaybackhomeagainwithoutacompassishissecret,andhediedwithit inhim.His language indicates that he came fromPolynesia.He toldwherehecamefrom,buthecouldn'tspellwell,soonecan'tfindtheplaceonthemap,becausepeoplewhocouldspellbetterthanhecould,spelttheresemblancealloutofitwhentheymadethemap.However,itisbettertohaveamapthatisspeltrightthanonethathasinformationinit.InNewZealandwomenhavetherighttovoteformembersofthelegislature,but they cannot bemembers themselves. The law extending the suffrage tothem went into effect in 1893. The population of Christchurch (census of1891)was31,454.ThefirstelectionunderthelawwasheldinNovemberofthat year.Number ofmenwho voted, 6,313; number ofwomenwho voted,5,989.These figuresought to convinceus thatwomenarenot as indifferentabout politics as some peoplewould have us believe. InNewZealand as awhole, theestimatedadult femalepopulationwas139,915;of these109,461qualifiedandregisteredtheirnamesontherolls78.23percent.ofthewhole.Of these, 90,290went to thepolls andvoted—85.18per cent.Domeneverturnoutbetter than that—inAmericaor elsewhere?Here is a remark to theothersex'scredit,too—Itakeitfromtheofficialreport:"A feature of the election was the orderliness and sobriety of the people.Womenwereinnowaymolested."Athome,a standingargumentagainstwomansuffragehasalwaysbeen thatwomen could not go to the polls without being insulted. The argumentsagainst woman suffrage have always taken the easy form of prophecy. Theprophets have been prophesying ever since the woman's rights movementbeganin1848—andinforty-sevenyearstheyhaveneverscoredahit.

Menought tobegintofeelasortofrespectfor theirmothersandwivesandsistersbythistime.Thewomendeserveachangeofattitudelikethat,fortheyhavewroughtwell.Inforty-sevenyearstheyhavesweptanimposinglylargenumberofunfair laws from the statutebooksofAmerica. In thatbrief timetheseserfshavesetthemselvesfree—essentially.Mencouldnothavedonesomuchforthemselvesinthattimewithoutbloodshed—atleasttheyneverhave;and that is argument that they didn't know how. The women haveaccomplished a peaceful revolution, and a very beneficent one; and yet thathasnotconvincedtheaveragemanthattheyareintelligent,andhavecourageand energy and perseverance and fortitude. It takes much to convince theaveragemanofanything;andperhapsnothingcanevermakehimrealizethathe is the average woman's inferior—yet in several important details theevidenceseemstoshowthatthatiswhatheis.Manhasruledthehumanracefrom the beginning—but he should remember that up to the middle of thepresentcenturyitwasadullworld,andignorantandstupid;butitisnotsuchadullworldnow,andisgrowinglessandlessdullallthetime.Thisiswoman'sopportunity—shehashadnonebefore.Iwonderwheremanwillbeinanotherforty-sevenyears?In the New Zealand law occurs this: "The word person wherever it occursthroughouttheActincludeswoman."Thatispromotion,yousee.Bythatenlargementoftheword,thematronwiththegarneredwisdomandexperienceof fiftyyearsbecomesatone jump thepolitical equalofher callowkidof twenty-one.Thewhitepopulationof thecolony is626,000, theMaoripopulation is42,000.Thewhiteselect seventymembersoftheHouseofRepresentatives,theMaorisfour.TheMaoriwomenvotefortheirfourmembers.November 16. After four pleasant days in Christchurch, we are to leave atmidnightto-night.Mr.Kinseygavemeanornithorhynchus,andIamtamingit.Sunday,17th.SailedlastnightintheFlora,fromLyttelton.Sowedid. I remember it yet.Thepeoplewho sailed in theFlora thatnightmayforgetsomeotherthingsiftheyliveagoodwhile,buttheywillnotlivelongenoughtoforgetthat.TheFloraisabouttheequivalentofacattle-scow;but when the Union Company find it inconvenient to keep a contract andlucrative tobreak it, they smuggleher intopassenger service, and"keep thechange."Theygivenonoticeoftheirprojecteddepredation;youinnocentlybuyticketsfor the advertised passenger boat, and when you get down to Lyttelton atmidnight, you find that theyhave substituted the scow.Theyhaveplentyofgoodboats,butnocompetition—andthat is thetrouble.It is toolatenowto

makeotherarrangementsifyouhaveengagementsahead.It isapowerfulcompany, ithasamonopoly,andeverybodyisafraidof it—includingthegovernment'srepresentative,whostandsattheendofthestage-plank to tally thepassengers and see thatnoboat receivesagreaternumberthan the law allows her to carry.This conveniently-blind representative sawthe scow receive a number which was far in excess of its privilege, andwinkedapoliticwinkandsaidnothing.Thepassengersborewithmeeknessthecheatwhichhadbeenputuponthem,andmadenocomplaint.ItwaslikebeingathomeinAmerica,whereabusedpassengersactinjustthesameway.Afewdaysbefore, theUnionCompanyhaddischargedacaptainforgetting aboat intodanger, andhad advertised this act as evidenceof itsvigilanceinlookingafterthesafetyofthepassengers—forthuggingacaptaincosts the company nothing, but when opportunity offered to send thisdangerouslyovercrowdedtubtoseaandsavealittletroubleandatidypennybyit,itforgottoworryaboutthepassenger'ssafety.ThefirstofficertoldmethattheFlorawasprivilegedtocarry125passengers.Shemusthavehadallof200onboard.Allthecabinswerefull,allthecattle-stallsinthemainstablewerefull,thespacesattheheadsofcompanionwayswere full, every inch of floor and table in the swill-roomwas packedwithsleepingmenand remained sountil theplacewas required forbreakfast, allthe chairs and benches on the hurricane deckwere occupied, and still therewerepeoplewhohadtowalkaboutallnight!IftheFlorahadgonedownthatnight,halfofthepeopleonboardwouldhavebeenwhollywithoutmeansofescape.Theownersof thatboatwerenot technicallyguiltyofconspiracy tocommitmurder,buttheyweremorallyguiltyofit.Ihadacattle-stall in themainstable—acavern fittedupwitha longdoublefileoftwo-storiedbunks,thefilesseparatedbyacalicopartition—twentymenandboysononesideofit,twentywomenandgirlsontheother.TheplacewasasdarkasthesouloftheUnionCompany,andsmeltlikeakennel.Whenthevesselgotoutintotheheavyseasandbegantopitchandwallow,thecavernprisoners became immediately seasick, and then the peculiar results thatensued laidallmypreviousexperiencesof thekindwell away in the shade.And thewails, thegroans, the cries, the shrieks, the strangeejaculations—itwaswonderful.Thewomenandchildrenandsomeofthemenandboysspentthenightinthatplace,fortheyweretooilltoleaveit;buttherestofusgotup,byandby,andfinishedthenightonthehurricane-deck.ThatboatwasthefoulestIwaseverin;andthesmellofthebreakfastsaloonwhenwethreadedourwayamongthelayersofsteamingpassengersstretched

uponitsflooranditstableswasincomparableforefficiency.Agoodmanyofusgotashoreatthefirstway-porttoseekanothership.AfterawaitofthreehourswegotgoodroomsintheMahinapua,aweelittlebridal-parlorofaboat—only205tonsburthen;cleanandcomfortable;goodservice;good beds; good table, and no crowding. The seas danced her about like aduck,butshewassafeandcapable.NextmorningearlyshewentthroughtheFrenchPass—anarrowgatewayofrock, between bold headlands—so narrow, in fact, that it seemed no widerthan a street. The current tore through there like a mill-race, and the boatdartedthroughlikeatelegram.Thepassagewasmadeinhalfaminute;thenwewere in awide placewhere noble vast eddies swept grandly round androundinshoalwater,andIwonderedwhattheywoulddowiththelittleboat.Theydidas theypleasedwithher.Theypickedherupandflungheraroundlikenothingand landedhergentlyon the solid, smoothbottomof sand—sogently,indeed,thatwebarelyfelthertouchit,barelyfeltherquiverwhenshecametoastandstill.Thewaterwasasclearasglass, thesandonthebottomwasvividlydistinct,andthefishesseemedtobeswimmingaboutinnothing.Fishing lineswerebrought out, but beforewe couldbait thehooks theboatwasoffandawayagain.

CHAPTERXXXIII.

Letusbegrateful toAdamourbenefactor.Hecutusoutof the"blessingofidleness,"andwonforusthe"curseoflabor."—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.We soon reached the town ofNelson, and spent themost of the day there,visiting acquaintances and driving with them about the garden—the wholeregionisagarden,exceptingthesceneofthe"MaungatapuMurders,"ofthirtyyearsago.Thatisawildplace—wildandlonely;anidealplaceforamurder.It is at the base of a vast, rugged, densely timberedmountain. In the deeptwilightofthatforestsolitudefourdesperaterascals—Burgess,Sullivan,Levy,and Kelley—ambushed themselves beside the mountain-trail to murder androbfourtravelers—Kempthorne,Mathieu,Dudley,andDePontius,thelatteraNewYorker.Aharmlessoldlaboringmancamewanderingalong,andashispresencewasanembarrassment,theychokedhim,hidhim,andthenresumedtheirwatchfor thefour.Theyhad towaitawhile,buteventuallyeverythingturnedoutastheydesired.ThatdarkepisodeistheonelargeeventinthehistoryofNelson.Thefameofit traveled far. Burgess made a confession. It is a remarkable paper. For

brevity, succinctness, and concentration, it is perhapswithout its peer in theliteratureofmurder.Therearenowastewords in it; there isnoobtrusionofmatternotpertinenttotheoccasion,noranydeparturefromthedispassionatetoneproper toa formalbusinessstatement—for that iswhat it is:abusinessstatement of a murder, by the chief engineer of it, or superintendent, orforeman,orwhateveronemayprefertocallhim."Weweregettingimpatient,whenwesawfourmenandapack-horsecoming.Ileftmycoverandhadalookatthemen,forLevyhadtoldmethatMathieuwasa smallmanandworea largebeard, and that itwasachestnuthorse. Isaid,'Heretheycome.'Theywerethenagooddistanceaway;Itookthecapsoffmygun, andput freshoneson. I said, 'Youkeepwhereyou are, I'll putthemup,andyougivemeyourgunwhileyoutiethem.'ItwasarrangedasIhavedescribed.Themencame;theyarrivedwithinaboutfifteenyardswhenIsteppedupandsaid,'Stand!bailup!'Thatmeansallofthemtogettogether.Imade them fall back on the upper side of the road with their faces up therange,andSullivanbroughtmehisgun,andthentiedtheirhandsbehindthem.Thehorsewasveryquietall the time,hedidnotmove.When theywerealltied,Sullivan took thehorseup thehill, andputhim in thebush;hecut theropeandlet theswags—[A"swag"isakit,apack,smallbaggage.]—fallontheground,andthencametome.Wethenmarchedthemendowntheinclinetothecreek;thewateratthistimebarelyrunning.Upthiscreekwetookthemen;wewent,Idaresay,fiveorsixhundredyardsupit,whichtookusnearlyhalf-an-hourtoaccomplish.Thenweturnedtotherightuptherange;wewent,Idaresay,onehundredandfiftyyardsfromthecreek,andtherewesatdownwith themen. I said toSullivan, 'Putdownyourgunandsearch thesemen,'whichhedid.Iaskedthemtheirseveralnames;theytoldme.IaskedthemiftheywereexpectedatNelson.Theysaid, 'No.'Ifsuchtheirliveswouldhavebeenspared.InmoneywetookL60odd.Isaid,'Isthisallyouhave?Youhadbetter tellme.' Sullivan said, 'Here is a bag of gold.' I said, 'What's on thatpack-horse?Isthereanygold?'whenKempthornesaid,'Yes,mygoldisintheportmanteau,andI trustyouwillnot take itall.' 'Well,' Isaid, 'wemust takeyouawayoneatatime,becausetherangeissteepjusthere,andthenwewillletyougo.'Theysaid,'Allright,'mostcheerfully.Wetiedtheirfeet,andtookDudley with us; we went about sixty yards with him. This was through ascrub.Itwasarrangedthenightpreviouslythatitwouldbebesttochokethem,incasethereportofthearmsmightbeheardfromtheroad,andiftheyweremissed theyneverwouldbefound.Sowetiedahandkerchiefoverhiseyes,when Sullivan took the sash off his waist, put it round his neck, and sostrangled him. Sullivan, after I had killed the old laboringman, found faultwiththewayhewaschoked.Hesaid,'ThenextwedoI'llshowyoumyway.'Isaid, 'I have never done such a thing before. I have shot aman, but neverchokedone.'We returned to theothers,whenKempthorne said, 'Whatnoise

wasthat?'Isaiditwascausedbybreakingthroughthescrub.Thiswastakingtoomuchtime,soitwasagreedtoshootthem.WiththatIsaid,'We'lltakeyounofurther,butseparateyou,andthenlooseoneofyou,andhecanrelievetheothers.'Sowiththat,SullivantookDePontiustotheleftofwhereKempthornewassitting.ItookMathieutotheright.Itiedastraproundhislegs,andshothimwith a revolver.He yelled, I ran fromhimwithmy gun inmy hand, IsightedKempthorne,whohadrisentohisfeet.Ipresentedthegun,andshothim behind the right ear; his life's blood welled from him, and he diedinstantaneously.SullivanhadshotDePontiusinthemeantime,andthencametome.Isaid, 'LooktoMathieu,' indicatingthespotwherehelay.Heshortlyreturnedandsaid, 'Ihadto"chiv"thatfellow,hewasnotdead,'acantword,meaning thathehad tostabhim.Returning to theroadwepassedwhereDePontiuslayandwasdead.Sullivansaid,'Thisisthedigger,theotherswereallstorekeepers; this is the digger, let's cover him up, for should the others befound,they'llthinkhedoneitandsloped,'meaninghehadgone.Sowiththatwe threw all the stones on him, and then left him. This bloody work tooknearlyanhourandahalffromthetimewestoppedthemen."Anyonewho reads thatconfessionwill think that themanwhowrote itwasdestitute of emotions, destitute of feeling. That is partly true. As regardedothers he was plainly without feeling—utterly cold and pitiless; but asregardedhimselfthecasewasdifferent.Whilehecarednothingforthefutureofthemurderedmen,hecaredagreatdealforhisown.Itmakesone'sfleshcreep to read the introduction to his confession. The judge on the benchcharacterizeditas"scandalouslyblasphemous,"anditcertainlyreadsso,butBurgessmeantnoblasphemy.Hewasmerelyabrute,andwhateverhesaidorwrotewas sure to expose the fact.His redemptionwas a very real thing tohim, and he was as jubilantly happy on the gallows as ever was Christianmartyr at the stake. We dwellers in this world are strangely made, andmysteriously circumstanced.Wehave to suppose that themurderedmenarelost,andthatBurgessissaved;butwecannotsuppressournaturalregrets."Writteninmydungeondrearthis7thofAugust,intheyearofGrace,1866.ToGodbeascribedallpowerandgloryinsubduingtherebelliousspiritofamost guiltywretch,who has been brought, through the instrumentality of afaithful followerofChrist, to seehiswretchedandguilty state, inasmuchashithertohehas ledanawfulandwretched life,and through theassuranceofthisfaithfulsoldierofChrist,hehasbeenledandalsobelievesthatChristwillyetreceiveandcleansehimfromallhisdeep-dyedandbloodysins.Ilieunderthe imputationwhich says, 'Come now and let us reason together, saith theLord: thoughyoursinsbeasscarlet, theyshallbeaswhiteassnow; thoughtheyberedlikecrimson,theyshallbeaswool.'OnthispromiseIrely."We sailed in the afternoon late, spent a few hours at New Plymouth, then

sailed again and reached Auckland the next day, November 20th, andremained in that finecity severaldays. Its situation is commanding, and thesea-view is superb.There are charmingdrives all about, and by courtesy offriendswehadopportunity toenjoy them.Fromthegrassycrater-summitofMount Eden one's eye ranges over a grand sweep and variety of scenery—forests clothed in luxuriant foliage, rolling green fields, conflagrations offlowers, recedinganddimmingstretchesofgreenplain,brokenby loftyandsymmetricaloldcraters—thenthebluebaystwinklingandsparklingawayintothedreamydistanceswherethemountainsloomspiritualintheirveilsofhaze.ItisfromAucklandthatonegoestoRotorua,theregionoftherenownedhotlakesandgeysers—oneof thechiefwondersofNewZealand;but Iwasnotwell enough to make the trip. The government has a sanitorium there, andeverything is comfortable for the tourist and the invalid. The government'sofficialphysicianisalmostover-cautiousinhisestimatesoftheefficacyofthebaths,whenheistalkingaboutrheumatism,gout,paralysis,andsuchthings;butwhenheistalkingabouttheeffectivenessofthewatersineradicatingthewhisky-habit,heseemstohavenoreserves.Thebathswillcurethedrinking-habit no matter how chronic it is—and cure it so effectually that even thedesire todrink intoxicantswill comenomore.There shouldbe a rush fromEuropeandAmericatothatplace;andwhenthevictimsofalcoholismfindoutwhattheycangetbygoingthere,therushwillbegin.TheThermal-springsDistrictofNewZealandcomprisesanareaofupwardsof600,000acres,orcloseon1,000squaremiles.Rotoruaisthefavoriteplace.Itis thecenterofarichfieldof lakeandmountainscenery;fromRotoruaasabasethepleasure-seekermakesexcursions.Thecrowdofsickpeopleisgreat,andgrowing.RotoruaistheCarlsbadofAustralasia.ItisfromAucklandthattheKaurigumisshipped.Foralongtimenowabout8,000 tonsof it havebeenbrought into the townper year. It isworth about$300perton,unassorted;assorted,thefinestgradesareworthabout$1,000.ItgoestoAmerica,chiefly.Itisinlumps,andishardandsmooth,andlookslikeamber—the light-colored like new amber, and the dark brown like rich oldamber.And ithas thepleasant feelofamber, too.Someof the light-coloredsamples were a tolerably fair counterfeit of uncut SouthAfrican diamonds,theyweresoperfectlysmoothandpolishedandtransparent.Itismanufacturedintovarnish;avarnishwhichanswersforcopalvarnishandischeaper.Thegumisdugupoutoftheground;ithasbeenthereforages.Itisthesapofthe Kauri tree. Dr. Campbell of Auckland told me he sent a cargo of it toEnglandfiftyyearsago,butnothingcameoftheventure.Nobodyknewwhattodowithit;soitwassoldatL5aton,tolightfireswith.November 26—3P.M., sailed.Vast and beautiful harbor. Land all about forhours.Tangariwa,themountainthat"hasthesameshapefromeverypointof

view." That is the common belief in Auckland. And so it has—from everypointofviewexceptthirteen.Perfectsummerweather.Largeschoolofwhalesin thedistance.Nothingcouldbedaintier than thepuffsofvapor theyspoutup,when seenagainst thepinkgloryof the sinking sun,or against thedarkmass of an island reposing in the deep blue shadowof a storm cloud . . . .GreatBarrierrockstandingupoutoftheseaawaytotheleft.Sometimeagoashiphititfullspeedinafog—20milesoutofhercourse—140liveslost;thecaptaincommittedsuicidewithoutwaitingamoment.Heknewthat,whetherhewastoblameornot,thecompanyowningthevesselwoulddischargehimandmakeadevotion—to—passengers'safetyadvertisementoutofit,andhischancetomakealivelihoodwouldbepermanentlygone.XXXIV.Letusnotbetooparticular.Itisbettertohaveoldsecond-handdiamondsthannoneatall.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.November27.To-daywereachedGisborne,andanchoredinabigbay;therewasaheavyseaon,soweremainedonboard.Wewereamilefromshore;alittlesteam-tugputoutfromtheland;shewasanobjectofthrillinginterest;shewouldclimbtothesummitofabillow,reeldrunkenlythereamoment,dimandgrayinthedrivingstormofspindrift,thenmakeaplungelikeadiverandremainoutofsightuntilonehadgivenherup,then up she would dart again, on a steep slant toward the sky, sheddingNiagarasofwaterfromherforecastle—andthisshekeptup,allthewayouttous. She brought twenty-five passengers in her stomach—men andwomen—mainly a traveling dramatic company. In sight on deck were the crew, insou'westers,yellowwaterproofcanvassuits,andbootstothethigh.Thedeckwas never quiet for a moment, and seldom nearer level than a ladder, andnobleweretheseaswhichleaptaboardandwentfloodingaft.Werovealonglinetotheyard-arm,hungamostprimitivebasketchairtoitandswungitoutinto the spacious air of heaven, and there it swayed, pendulum-fashion,waitingfor itschance—thendownitshot,skillfullyaimed,andwasgrabbedbythetwomenontheforecastle.Ayoungfellowbelongingtoourcrewwasinthechair, tobeaprotectiontothelady-comers.Atonceacoupleofladiesappearedfrombelow,tookseatsinhislap,wehoistedthemintothesky,waitedamomenttilltherolloftheshipbrought them in overhead, then we lowered suddenly away, and seized thechair as it struck the deck. We took the twenty-five aboard, and deliveredtwenty-fiveintothetug—amongthemseveralagedladies,andoneblindone—andallwithoutaccident.Itwasafinepieceofwork.Ours isaniceship, roomy,comfortable,well-ordered,andsatisfactory.Now

and thenwe step on a rat in a hotel, butwe have had no rats on shipboardlately; unless, perhaps in the Flora; we hadmore serious things to think ofthere, and did not notice. I have noticed that it is only in ships and hotelswhich still employ the odiousChinese gong, that you find rats. The reasonwouldseemtobe,thatasaratcannottellthetimeofdaybyaclock,hewon'tstaywherehecannotfindoutwhendinnerisready.November 29. The doctor tells me of several old drunkards, one spiritlessloafer, and several far-gonemoral wrecks who have been reclaimed by theSalvation Army and have remained staunch people and hard workers thesetwoyears.Whereveronegoes,thesetestimonialstotheArmy'sefficiencyareforthcoming....ThismorningwehadoneofthosewhizzinggreenBallaratflies in the room,withhisstunningbuzz-sawnoise—theswiftestcreature intheworldexceptthelightning-flash.Itisastupendousforcethatisstoredupinthatlittlebody.Ifwehaditinashipinthesameproportion,wecouldspinfromLiverpooltoNewYorkinthespaceofanhour—thetimeittakestoeatluncheon.TheNewZealandexpresstrainiscalledtheBallaratFly....Badteeth in the colonies.A citizen toldme theydon't have teeth filled, but pullthemoutandputinfalseones,andthatnowandthenoneseesayoungladywithafullset.Sheisfortunate.IwishIhadbeenbornwithfalseteethandafalseliverandfalsecarbuncles.Ishouldgetalongbetter.December2.Monday.LeftNapierintheBallaratFlytheonethatgoestwiceaweek.FromNapiertoHastings,twelvemiles;time,fifty-fiveminutes—notsofar shortof thirteenmilesanhour . . . .Aperfect summerday;coolbreeze,brilliantsky,richvegetation.Twoorthreetimesduringtheafternoonwesawwonderfully dense and beautiful forests, tumultuously piled skyward on thebrokenhighlands—not the customary roof-like slant of a hillside,where thetrees are all the same height. The noblest of these trees were of the Kauribreed,wewere told—the timber that isnowfurnishing thewood-paving forEurope,andisthebestofallwoodforthatpurpose.Sometimesthesetoweringupheavals of forestry were festooned and garlanded with vine-cables, andsometimesthemassesofundergrowthwerecocoonedinanothersortofvineof a delicate cobwebby texture—they call it the "supplejack," I think. Treeferns everywhere—a stem fifteen feet high,with a graceful chalice of fern-frondssproutingfromitstop—alovelyforestornament.Andtherewasaten-footreedwithaflowingsuitofwhatlookedlikeyellowhairhangingfromitsupperend.Idonotknowitsname,butifthereissuchathingasascalp-plant,this is it.Aromanticgorge,withabrookflowing in itsbottom,approachingPalmerstonNorth.Waitukurau.Twentyminutesforluncheon.Withmesatmywifeanddaughter,andmymanager,Mr.CarlyleSmythe.Isatattheheadofthetable,andcouldseetheright-handwall;theothershadtheirbackstoit.Onthatwall,atagood

distanceaway,wereacoupleofframedpictures.Icouldnotseethemclearly,butfromthegroupingsofthefiguresIfanciedthattheyrepresentedthekillingof Napoleon III's son by the Zulus in South Africa. I broke into theconversation, whichwas about poetry and cabbage and art, and said tomywife—"DoyourememberwhenthenewscametoParis——""OfthekillingofthePrince?"(ThoseweretheverywordsIhadinmymind.)"Yes,butwhatPrince?""Napoleon.Lulu.""Whatmadeyouthinkofthat?""Idon'tknow."Therewasnocollusion.Shehadnotseenthepictures,andtheyhadnotbeenmentioned.SheoughttohavethoughtofsomerecentnewsthatcametoParis,forwewerebutsevenmonthsfromthereandhadbeenlivingthereacoupleofyears when we started on this trip; but instead of that she thought of anincidentofourbriefsojourninParisofsixteenyearsbefore.Herewasaclearcaseofmentaltelegraphy;ofmind-transference;ofmymindtelegraphinga thought intohers.Howdo Iknow?Because I telegraphedanerror.ForitturnedoutthatthepicturesdidnotrepresentthekillingofLuluatall,noranythingconnectedwithLulu.Shehadtogettheerrorfrommyhead—itexistednowhereelse.

CHAPTERXXXV.

TheAutocratofRussiapossessesmorepowerthananyothermanintheearth;buthecannotstopasneeze.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.WAUGANUI,December3.Apleasant trip,yesterday,perBallaratFly.Fourhours. I donot know thedistance, but itmust havebeenwell along towardfifty miles. The Fly could have spun it out to eight hours and notdiscommodedme;forwherethereiscomfort,andnoneedforhurry,speedisof no value—at least tome; and nothing that goes onwheels can bemorecomfortable, more satisfactory, than the New Zealand trains. Outside ofAmerica there are no cars that are so rationally devised.When you add theconstantpresenceofcharmingsceneryandthenearlyconstantabsenceofdust—well, ifone isnotcontent then,heought togetoutandwalk.Thatwouldchangehisspirit,perhaps? I thinkso.At theendofanhouryouwould find

himwaitinghumblybesidethetrack,andgladtobetakenaboardagain.Muchhorseback riding, in andaround this town;manycomelygirls in coolandprettysummergowns;muchSalvationArmy;lotsofMaoris;thefacesandbodiesofsomeoftheoldonesverytastefullyfrescoed.MaoriCouncilHouseover the river—large, strong, carpeted from end to end with matting, anddecorated with elaborate wood carvings, artistically executed. The Maoriswereverypolite.Iwas assured by amember of theHouse ofRepresentatives that the nativerace isnotdecreasing,butactually increasingslightly. It isanotherevidencethattheyareasuperiorbreedofsavages.Idonotcalltomindanysavageracethat built such good houses, or such strong and ingenious and scientificfortresses, or gave somuch attention to agriculture, or hadmilitary arts anddevices which so nearly approached the whiteman's. These, taken togetherwiththeirhighabilitiesinboat-building,andtheirtastesandcapacitiesintheornamentalartsmodifytheirsavagerytoasemi-civilization—oratleastto,aquarter-civilization.It isacompliment to themthat theBritishdidnotexterminate them,as theydidtheAustraliansandtheTasmanians,butwerecontentwithsubduingthem,andshowednodesiretogofurther.Anditisanothercomplimenttothemthatthe British did not take the whole of their choicest lands, but left them aconsiderablepart,andthenwentfurtherandprotectedthemfromtherapacitiesoflandsharks—aprotectionwhichtheNewZealandGovernmentstillextendstothem.AnditisstillanothercomplimenttotheMaoristhattheGovernmentallowsnativerepresentation—inboththelegislatureandthecabinet,andgivesboth sexes the vote. And in doing these things the Government alsocomplimentsitself;ithasnotbeenthecustomoftheworldforconquerorstoactinthislargespirittowardtheconquered.ThehighestclasswhitemenwholivedamongtheMaorisintheearliesttimehadahighopinionofthemandastrongaffectionforthem.Amongthewhitesof this sort was the author of "Old New Zealand;" and Dr. Campbell ofAucklandwasanother.Dr.Campbellwasaclosefriendofseveralchiefs,andhasmanypleasantthingstosayoftheirfidelity,theirmagnanimity,andtheirgenerosity. Also of their quaint notions about the white man's queercivilization,andtheirequallyquaintcommentsuponit.Oneofthemthoughtthemissionaryhadgoteverythingwrongendfirstandupsidedown."Why,hewants us to stop worshiping and supplicating the evil gods, and go toworshipingandsupplicatingtheGoodOne!Thereisnosenseinthat.Agoodgodisnotgoingtodousanyharm."The Maoris had the tabu; and had it on a Polynesian scale ofcomprehensiveness and elaboration. Some of its features could have beenimportations from India and Judea. Neither the Maori nor the Hindoo of

commondegreecouldcookbya fire thatapersonofhighercastehadused,norcouldthehighMaoriorhighHindooemployfirethathadservedamanoflowgrade;ifalow-gradeMaoriorHindoodrankfromavesselbelongingtoahigh-grademan,thevesselwasdefiled,andhadtobedestroyed.TherewereotherresemblancesbetweenMaoritabuandHindoocaste-custom.YesterdayalunaticburstintomyquartersandwarnedmethattheJesuitsweregoingto"cook"(poison)meinmyfood,orkillmeonthestageatnight.Hesaidamysterioussignwasvisibleuponmypostersandmeantmydeath.HesaidhesavedRev.Mr.Haweis'slifebywarninghimthattherewerethreemenonhisplatformwhowouldkillhimifhetookhiseyesoffthemforamomentduringhislecture.Thesamemenwereinmyaudiencelastnight,buttheysawthathewasthere."Willtheybethereagainto-night?"Hehesitated;thensaidno, he thought they would rather take a rest and chance the poison. Thislunatic has no delicacy. But he was not uninteresting. He told me a lot ofthings.Hesaidhehad"savedsomanylecturersintwentyyears,thattheyputhimintheasylum."IthinkhehaslessrefinementthananylunaticIhavemet.December8.Acoupleofcuriouswar-monumentshereatWanganui.Oneisinhonorofwhitemen"whofellindefenceoflawandorderagainstfanaticismandbarbarism."Fanaticism.WeAmericans areEnglish in blood,English inspeech, English in religion, English in the essentials of our governmentalsystem,Englishintheessentialsofourcivilization;andso,letushope,forthehonoroftheblend,forthehonoroftheblood,forthehonoroftherace,thatthatwordgot there through lackof heedfulness, andwill not be suffered toremain. If you carve it at Thermopylae, orwhereWinkelried died, or uponBunkerHillmonument,andreaditagain"whofellindefenceoflawandorderagainst fanaticism" you will perceive what the word means, and howmischosenitis.PatriotismisPatriotism.CallingitFanaticismcannotdegradeit; nothing can degrade it. Even though it be a political mistake, and athousand times a politicalmistake, that does not affect it; it is honorable—alwayshonorable,alwaysnoble—andprivilegedtoholditsheadupandlookthenationsintheface.ItisrighttopraisethesebravewhitemenwhofellintheMaoriwar—theydeserve it;but thepresenceof thatworddetracts fromthedignityoftheircauseandtheirdeeds,andmakesthemappeartohavespilttheir blood in a conflict with ignoble men, men not worthy of that costlysacrifice. But the men were worthy. It was no shame to fight them. Theyfoughtfortheirhomes,theyfoughtfortheircountry;theybravelyfoughtandbravely fell; and it would take nothing from the honor of the braveEnglishmenwholieunderthemonument,butaddtoit,tosaythattheydiedindefense of English laws and English homes against men worthy of thesacrifice—theMaoripatriots.Theothermonumentcannotberectified.Exceptwithdynamite.Itisamistake

allthrough,andastrangelythoughtlessone.ItisamonumenterectedbywhitementoMaoriswhofellfightingwiththewhitesandagainsttheirownpeople,in theMaoriwar. "Sacred to thememory of the bravemenwho fell on the14thofMay,1864,"etc.OnonesidearethenamesofabouttwentyMaoris.Itisnotafancyofmine;themonumentexists.Isawit.Itisanobject-lessontotherisinggeneration.Itinvitestotreachery,disloyalty,unpatriotism.Itslesson,infranktermsis,"Desertyourflag,slayyourpeople,burntheirhomes,shameyournationality—wehonorsuch."December9.Wellington.TenhoursfromWanganuibytheFly.December12.It is a fine city and nobly situated. A busy place, and full of life andmovement. Have spent the three days partly in walking about, partly inenjoyingsocialprivileges,andlargelyinidlingaroundthemagnificentgardenatHutt, a little distance away, around the shore. I supposewe shall not seesuchanotheronesoon.Wearepacking to-night for the return-voyage toAustralia.Ourstay inNewZealandhasbeentoobrief;still,wearenotunthankfulfortheglimpsewhichwehavehadofit.The sturdyMaorismade the settlement of the country by the whites ratherdifficult.Notat first—but later.Atfirst theywelcomedthewhites,andwereeager to trade with them—particularly for muskets; for their pastime wasinternecinewar, and theygreatlypreferred thewhiteman'sweapons to theirown.Warwas their pastime—Iuse theword advisedly.Theyoftenmet andslaughtered each other just for a lark, and when there was no quarrel. Theauthorof"OldNewZealand"mentionsacasewhereavictoriousarmycouldhave followed up its advantage and exterminated the opposing army, butdeclinedtodoit;explainingnaivelythat"ifwedidthat,therecouldn'tbeanymore fighting." In another battle one army sent word that it was out ofammunition, andwould be obliged to stop unless the opposing armywouldsendsome.Itwassent,andthefightwenton.In the early days things went well enough. The natives sold land withoutclearlyunderstandingthetermsofexchange,andthewhitesboughtitwithoutbeingmuchdisturbedaboutthenative'sconfusionofmind.ButbyandbytheMaori began to comprehend that he was being wronged; then there wastrouble,forhewasnotthemantoswallowawrongandgoasideandcryaboutit.HehadtheTasmanian'sspiritandendurance,andanotableshareofmilitarysciencebesides;andsoheroseagainsttheoppressor,didthisgallant"fanatic,"and started a war that was not brought to a definite end until more than agenerationhadsped.

CHAPTERXXXVI.

There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest iscowardice.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.Namesarenotalwayswhattheyseem.ThecommonWelshnameBzjxxllwepispronouncedJackson.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.Friday,December13.Sailed,at3p.m., in the 'Mararoa'.Summerseasandagoodship—lifehasnothingbetter.Monday. Three days of paradise. Warm and sunny and smooth; the sea aluminousMediterraneanblue....Onelollsinalongchairalldayunderdeck-awnings, and reads and smokes, inmeasureless content. One does not readproseatsuchatime,butpoetry.IhavebeenreadingthepoemsofMrs.JuliaA.Moore,again,andIfindinthemthesamegraceandmelodythatattractedmewhen theywere first published, twenty years ago, and have heldme inhappybondseversince."The Sentimental Song Book" has long been out of print, and has beenforgottenbytheworldingeneral,butnotbyme.Icarryitwithmealways—itandGoldsmith'sdeathlessstory.Indeed,ithasthesamedeepcharmformethattheVicarofWakefieldhas,andI find in it the same subtle touch—the touch that makes an intentionallyhumorousepisodepatheticandanintentionallypatheticonefunny.InhertimeMrs.Moorewascalled"theSweetSingerofMichigan,"andwasbestknownbythatname.Ihavereadherbookthroughtwicetoday,withthepurposeofdeterminingwhichofherpieceshasmostmerit,andIampersuadedthatforwidegraspandsustainedpower,"WilliamUpson"mayclaimfirstplace—WILLIAMUPSON.Air—"TheMajor'sOnlySon."Comeallgoodpeoplefarandnear,Oh,comeandseewhatyoucanhear,It'sofayoungmantrueandbrave,Thatisnowsleepinginhisgrave.Now,WilliamUpsonwashisnameIfit'snotthat,it'sallthesameHedidenlistinacruelstrife,Anditcausedhimtolosehislife.

HewasPerryUpson'seldestson,Hisfatherlovedhisnobleson,ThissonwasnineteenyearsofageWhenfirstintherebellionheengaged.Hisfathersaidthathemightgo,Buthisdearmothershesaidno,"Oh!stayathome,dearBilly,"shesaid,Butshecouldnotturnhishead.HewenttoNashville,inTennessee,Therehiskindfriendshecouldnotsee;Hediedamongstrangers,sofaraway,Theydidnotknowwherehisbodylay.Hewastakensickandlivedfourweeks,AndOh!howhisparentsweep,Butnowtheymustinsorrowmourn,ForBillyhasgonetohisheavenlyhome.Oh!ifhismothercouldhaveseenherson,Forshelovedhim,herdarlingson;Ifshecouldheardhisdyingprayer,Itwouldeaseherhearttillshemethimthere.Howitwouldrelievehismother'sheartToseehersonfromthisworlddepart,Andhearhisnoblewordsoflove,Asheleftthisworldforthatabove.Nowitwillrelievehismother'sheart,Forhersonislaidinourgraveyard;Fornowsheknowsthathisgraveisnear,Shewillnotshedsomanytears.Althoughsheknowsnotthatitwasherson,ForhiscoffincouldnotbeopenedItmightbesomeoneinhisplace,Forshecouldnotseehisnobleface.

December,17.ReachedSydney.December, 19. In the train. Fellow of 30with four valises; a slim creature,with teethwhichmade hismouth look like a neglected churchyard.He hadsolidifiedhair—solidifiedwithpomatum;itwasalloneshell.Hesmokedthemost extraordinary cigarettes—made of some kind of manure, apparently.Theseandhishairmadehimsmellliketheverynation.Hehadalow-cutveston,whichexposedadealoffrayedandbrokenanduncleanshirtfront.Showystuds,of imitationgold—theyhadmadeblackdiskson the linen.Oversizedsleevebuttonsofimitationgold,thecopperbaseshowingthrough.Ponderouswatch-chainofimitationgold.Ijudgethathecouldn'ttellthetimebyit,forheasked Smythewhat time itwas, once.Hewore a coatwhich had been gaywhen it was young; 5-o'clock-tea-trousers of a light tint, and marvelouslysoiled;yellowmustachewithadashingupwardwhirlattheends;foxyshoes,imitationpatentleather.Hewasanovelty—animitationdude.Hewouldhavebeenarealoneifhecouldhaveaffordedit.Buthewassatisfiedwithhimself.Youcouldseeitinhisexpression,andinallhisattitudesandmovements.Hewaslivinginadudedreamlandwhereallhissqualidshamsweregenuine,andhimselfasincerity.Itdisarmedcriticism,itmollifiedspite,toseehimsoenjoyhis imitation languors, and arts, and airs, and his studied daintinesses ofgestureandmisbegottenrefinements.ItwasplaintomethathewasimagininghimselfthePrinceofWales,andwasdoingeverythingthewayhethoughtthePrincewoulddoit.Forbringinghisfourvalisesaboardandstowingtheminthe nettings, he gave his porter four cents, and lightly apologized for thesmallnessofthegratuity—justwiththecondescendingestlittleroyalairintheworld.Hestretchedhimselfoutonthefrontseatandrestedhispomatum-cakeonthemiddlearm,andstuckhisfeetoutofthewindow,andbegantoposeasthe Prince and work his dreams and languors for exhibition; and he wouldindolentlywatch theblue filmscurlingup fromhis cigarette, and inhale thestench, and look so grateful; andwould flip the ash awaywith the daintiestgesture,unintentionallydisplayinghisbrassringinthemostintentionalway;why,itwasasgoodasbeinginMarlboroughHouseitselftoseehimdoitsolike.There was other scenery in the trip. That of the Hawksbury river, in theNational Park region, fine—extraordinarily fine, with spacious views ofstreamand lake imposingly framed inwoodyhills; and everynowand thenthenoblestgroupingsofmountains,andthemostenchantingrearrangementsof the water effects. Further along, green flats, thinly covered with gumforests,withhereand there thehutsandcabinsof small farmersengaged inraising children. Still further along, arid stretches, lifeless and melancholy.ThenNewcastle,arushingtown,capitaloftherichcoalregions.ApproachingScone, wide farming and grazing levels, with pretty frequent glimpses of atroublesomeplant—aparticularlydevilishlittlepricklypear,dailydamnedin

the orisons of the agriculturist; imported by a lady of sentiment, andcontributedgratistothecolony.Blazinghot,allday.December20.Back toSydney.Blazinghot again.From thenewspaper, andfrom the map, I have made a collection of curious names of Australasiantowns,withtheideaofmakingapoemoutofthem:TumutTakeeMurriwillumbaBowralBallaratMullengudgeryMurrurundiWagga-WaggaWyalongMurrumbidgeeGoomerooWollowayWangaryWanillaWorrowKoppioYankalillaYaranyackaYackamoorundieKaiwakaCoomoorooTaurangaGeelongTongariroKaikouraWakatipuOohiparaWaitpinga

GoelwaMunnoParaNangkitaMypongaKapundaKooringaPenolaNangwarryKongorongComaumKoolywurtieKillanoolaNaracoorteMuloowurtieBinnumWallarooWirregaMundooraHaurakiRangiririTeawamuteTaranakiToowoombaGoondiwindiJerrilderieWhangaroaWollongongWoolloomoolooBombolaCoolgardieBendigoCoonamble

CootamundraWoolgoolgaMittagongJamberooKondoparingaKuitpoTungkilloOukaparingaTalungaYatalaParawirraMooroorooWhangareiWoolundungaBoolerooPernattyParramattaTaroomNarranderaDeniliquinKawakawa.Itmaybebesttobuildthepoemnow,andmaketheweatherhelpASWELTERINGDAYINAUSTRALIA.(Tobereadsoftandlow,withthelightsturneddown.)TheBombolafaintsinthehotBowraltree,WherefierceMullengudgery'ssmotheringfiresFarfromthebreezesofCoolgardieBurnghastlyandblueasthedayexpires;AndMurriwillumbacomplainethinsongForthegarlandedbowersofWoolloomooloo,AndtheBallaratFlyandtheloneWollongongTheydreamofthegardensofJamberoo;

ThewallabisighsfortheMurrubidgee,ForthevelvetysodoftheMunnoParah,WherethewatersofhealingfromMuloowurtieFlowdiminthegloamingbyYaranyackah;TheKoppiosorrowsforlostWolloway,AndsighethinsecretforMurrurundi,TheWhangeroowombatlamenteththedayThatmadehimanexilefromJerrilderie;TheTeawamuteTumutfromWirrega'sglade,TheNangkitaswallow,theWallarooswan,TheylongforthepeaceoftheTimarushadeAndthybalmysoftairs,OsweetMittagong!TheKooringabuffalopantsinthesun,TheKondoparingaliesgapingforbreath,TheKongorongCamaumtotheshadowhaswon,ButtheGoomeroosinksintheslumberofdeath;InthewelteringhelloftheMooroorooplainTheYatalaWangarywithersanddies,AndtheWorrowWanilla,dementedwithpain,TotheWoolgoolgawoodlandsdespairinglyflies;SweetNangwarry'sdesolate,Coonamblewails,AndTungkilloKuitoinsablesisdrest,FortheWhangereiwindsfallasleepinthesailsAndtheBooleroolife-breezeisdeadinthewest.Mypongo,Kapunda,OslumbernomoreYankalilla,Parawirra,bewarnedThere'sdeathintheair!Killanoola,whereforeShalltheprayerofPenolabescorned?Cootamundra,andTakee,andWakatipu,Toowoomba,KaikouraarelostFromOnkaparingatofarOamaru

Allburninthishell'sholocaust!ParamattaandBinnumaregonetotheirrestInthevaleofTapanniTaroom,Kawakawa,Deniliquin—allthatwasbestIntheeartharebutgravesandatomb!Narranderamourns,CameronanswersnotWhentherollofthescathlesswecryTongariro,Goondiwindi,Woolundunga,thespotIsmuteandforlornwhereyelie.Thosearegoodwordsforpoetry.AmongthebestIhaveeverseen.Thereare81in the list. Ididnotneedthemall,butIhaveknockeddown66of them;whichisagoodbag,itseemstome,forapersonnotinthebusiness.Perhapsapoet laureate could do better, but a poet laureate gets wages, and that isdifferent.WhenIwritepoetryIdonotgetanywages;oftenIlosemoneybyit.The best word in that list, and the most musical and gurgly, isWoolloomoolloo.ItisaplacenearSydney,andisafavoritepleasure-resort.IthaseightO'sinit.

CHAPTERXXXVII.

To succeed in the other trades, capacity must be shown; in the law,concealmentofitwilldo.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.MONDAY,—December23,1895.SailedfromSydneyforCeylonintheP.&O. steamer 'Oceana'. A Lascar crew mans this ship—the first I have seen.White cotton petticoat and pants; barefoot; red shawl for belt; straw cap,brimless, on head, with red scarf wound around it; complexion a rich darkbrown;shortstraightblackhair;whiskersfineandsilky;lustrousandintenselyblack.Mild,goodfaces;willingandobedientpeople;capable,too;butaresaidtogointohopelesspanicswhenthere isdanger.TheyarefromBombayandthe coast thereabouts. Left some of the trunks in Sydney, to be shipped toSouthAfricabyavessel advertised to sail threemonthshence.Theproverbsays:"Separatenotyourselffromyourbaggage."This 'Oceana' is a stately big ship, luxuriously appointed. She has spaciouspromenadedecks.Largerooms;asurpassinglycomfortableship.Theofficers'libraryiswellselected;aship'slibraryisnotusuallythat....Formeals,thebuglecall,man-of-warfashion;apleasantchangefromtheterriblegong....

Threebigcats—veryfriendlyloafers;theywanderallovertheship;thewhiteone follows the chief steward around like a dog. There is also a basket ofkittens. One of these cats goes ashore, in port, in England, Australia, andIndia, toseehowhisvariousfamiliesaregettingalong,andisseennomoretilltheshipisreadytosail.Nooneknowshowhefindsoutthesailingdate,butnodoubthecomesdowntothedockeverydayandtakesalook,andwhenhe seesbaggageandpassengers flocking in, recognizes that it is time togetaboard.Thisiswhatthesailorsbelieve....TheChiefEngineerhasbeen in theChinaandIndia trade thirty threeyears,andhashadbut threeChristmasesathomein that time . . . .Conversationalitemsatdinner, "Mocha!soldallover theworld! It isnot true. In fact,veryfewforeignersexcept theEmperorofRussiahaveeverseenagrainof it,oreverwill,whiletheylive."Anothermansaid:"ThereisnosaleinAustraliaforAustralianwine.ButitgoestoFranceandcomesbackwithaFrenchlabelonit,andthentheybuyit."IhaveheardthatthemostoftheFrench-labeledclaretinNewYorkismadeinCalifornia.AndIrememberwhatProfessorS.toldmeonceaboutVeuveCliquot—ifthatwasthewine,andIthinkitwas.Hewastheguestofagreatwinemerchantwhosetownwasquitenearthatvineyard,andthismerchantaskedhimifverymuchV.C.wasdrunkinAmerica."Oh,yes,"saidS.,"agreatabundanceofit.""Isiteasytobehad?""Oh,yes—easyaswater.Allfirstandsecond-classhotelshaveit.""Whatdoyoupayforit?""It depends on the style of the hotel—from fifteen to twenty-five francs abottle.""Oh,fortunatecountry!Why,it'sworth100francsrighthereontheground.""No!""Yes!""DoyoumeanthatwearedrinkingabogusVeuve-Cliquotoverthere?""Yes—and there was never a bottle of the genuine in America sinceColumbus's time.Thatwineall comes froma littlebit of apatchofgroundwhichisn'tbigenoughtoraisemanybottles;andallofitthatisproducedgoeseveryyeartooneperson—theEmperorofRussia.Hetakesthewholecropinadvance,beitbigorlittle."January4,1896.Christmas inMelbourne,NewYear'sDay inAdelaide,andsawmostofthefriendsagaininbothplaces....Lyinghereatanchorallday—Albany (King George's Sound), Western Australia. It is a perfectlylandlocked harbor, or roadstead—spacious to look at, but not deep water.

Desolate-lookingrocksandscarredhills.Plentyofshipsarrivingnow,rushingto the new gold-fields. The papers are full of wonderful tales of the sortalwaystobeheardinconnectionwithnewgolddiggings.Asample:ayouthstaked out a claim and tried to sell half for L5; no takers; he stuck to itfourteendays,starving,thenstruckitrichandsoldoutforL10,000...Aboutsunset, strong breeze blowing, got up the anchor.Wewere in a small deeppuddle,withanarrowchannelleadingoutofit,minutelybuoyed,tothesea.Istayedondecktoseehowweweregoingtomanageitwithsuchabigshipandsuchastrongwind.Onthebridgeourgiantcaptain,inuniform;athissidealittlepilotinelaboratelygold-laceduniform;ontheforecastleawhitemateand quartermaster or two, and a brilliant crowd of lascars standing by forbusiness. Our sternwas pointing straight at the head of the channel; sowemustturnentirelyaroundinthepuddle—andthewindblowingasdescribed.Itwasdone,andbeautifully. Itwasdonebyhelpofa jib.Westirredupmuchmud,butdidnot touch thebottom.We turned right around inour tracks—aseemingimpossibility.Wehadseveralcastsofquarter-less5,andonecastofhalf 4—27 feet; we were drawing 26 astern. By the time we were entirelyaroundandpointed,thefirstbuoywasnotmorethanahundredyardsinfrontofus. Itwasa finepieceofwork,and Iwas theonlypassenger that saw it.However, the others got their dinner; the P.&O.Company gotmine . . . .Morecatsdeveloped.SmythesaysitisaBritishlawthattheymustbecarried;andheinstancedacaseofashipnotallowedtosailtillshesentforacouple.The bill came, too: "Debtor, to 2 cats, 20 shillings." . . . News comes thatwithin this week Siam has acknowledged herself to be, in effect, a Frenchprovince.Itseemsplainthatallsavageandsemi-civilizedcountriesaregoingto be grabbed . . . . A vulture on board; bald, red, queer-shaped head,featherlessredplaceshereandthereonhisbody,intensegreatblackeyessetin featherless rims of inflamed flesh; dissipated look; a businesslike style, aselfish, conscienceless, murderous aspect—the very look of a professionalassassin, andyet abirdwhichdoesnomurder.Whatwas theuseofgettinghimupinthattragicstyleforsoinnocentatradeashis?Forthisoneisn'tthesortthatwarsupontheliving,hisdietisoffal—andthemoreoutofdateitisthe better he likes it.Nature should give him a suit of rusty black; then hewouldbeallright,forhewouldlooklikeanundertakerandwouldharmonizewithhisbusiness;whereasthewayheisnowheishorriblyoutoftrue.January5.At9 thismorningwepassedCapeLeeuwin (lioness) and ceasedfromourlongdue-westcoursealongthesouthernshoreofAustralia.Turningthisextremesouthwesterncorner,wenowtakealongstraightslantnearlyN.W.,without abreak, forCeylon.Aswe speednorthward itwill growhotterveryfast—butitisn'tchilly,now....ThevultureisfromthepublicmenagerieatAdelaide—agreat and interestingcollection. Itwas there thatwesaw thebaby tiger solemnly spreading itsmouth and trying to roar like itsmajestic

mother.Itswaggered,scowling,backandforthonitsshortlegsjustasithadseenherdoonherlongones,andnowandthensnarlingviciously,exposingits teeth,witha threatening liftof itsupper lipandbristlingmoustache;andwhenitthoughtitwasimpressingthevisitors,itwouldspreaditsmouthwideanddothatscreechycrywhichitmeantforaroar,butwhichdidnotdeceive.Ittookitselfquiteseriously,andwaslovablycomical.Andtherewasahyena—anuglycreature;asuglyasthetiger-kittywaspretty.Itrepeatedlyarcheditsbackanddelivereditselfofsuchahumancry;astartlingresemblance;acrywhich was just that of a grown person badly hurt. In the dark one wouldassuredly go to its assistance—and be disappointed . . . . Many friends ofAustralasianFederationonboard.Theyfeelsurethatthegooddayisnotfaroff, now. But there seems to be a party that would go further—haveAustralasiacutloosefromtheBritishEmpireandsetuphousekeepingonherown hook. It seems an unwise idea. They point to theUnited States, but itseemstomethatthecaseslackagooddealofbeingalike.Australasiagovernsherselfwholly—thereisnointerference;andhercommerceandmanufacturesarenotoppressed in anyway. If our casehadbeen the samewe shouldnothavegoneoutwhenwedid.January 13. Unspeakably hot. The equator is arriving again.We are withineight degrees of it. Ceylon present. Dear me, it is beautiful! And mostsumptuously tropical, as to character of foliage and opulence of it. "Whatthough the spicy breezes blow soft o'erCeylon's isle"—an eloquent line, anincomparableline;itsayslittle,butconveyswholelibrariesofsentiment,andOrientalcharmandmystery,andtropicdeliciousness—alinethatquiversandtingleswithathousandunexpressedandinexpressiblethings,thingsthathauntoneandfindnoarticulatevoice....Colombo,thecapital.AnOrientaltown,mostmanifestly;andfascinating.Inthispalatialshipthepassengersdressfordinner.Theladies'toilettesmakeafinedisplayofcolor,and this is inkeepingwith theeleganceof thevessel'sfurnishings and the flooding brilliancies of the electric light.On the stormyAtlanticoneneverseesamanineveningdress,exceptattherarestintervals;andthenthereisonlyone,nottwo;andheshowsupbutonceonthevoyage—thenightbeforetheshipmakesport—thenightwhentheyhavethe"concert"anddo the amateurwailings and recitations.He is the tenor, as a rule . . . .Therehasbeenadealofcricket-playingonboard;itseemsaqueergameforaship, but they enclose the promenade deck with nettings and keep the ballfrom flyingoverboard, and the sport goesverywell, and is properlyviolentandexciting....Wemustpartfromthisvesselhere.January 14. Hotel Bristol. Servant Brompy. Alert, gentle, smiling, winningyoungbrowncreatureaseverwas.Beautifulshiningblackhaircombedbacklikeawoman's,andknottedatthebackofhishead—tortoise-shellcombinit,

signthatheisaSinghalese;slender,shapelyform;jacket;underitisabeltlessandflowingwhitecottongown—fromneckstraighttoheel;heandhisoutfitquiteunmasculine.Itwasanembarrassmenttoundressbeforehim.We drove to the market, using the Japanese jinriksha—our firstacquaintanceshipwithit.Itisalightcart,withanativetodrawit.Hemakesgoodspeedforhalf-an-hour,butitishardworkforhim;heistooslightforit.Afterthehalf-hourthereisnomorepleasureforyou;yourattentionisallontheman,justasitwouldbeonatiredhorse,andnecessarilyyoursympathyistheretoo.There'saplentyofthese'rickshas,andthetariffisincrediblycheap.IwasinCairoyearsago.ThatwasOriental,buttherewasalack.WhenyouareinFloridaorNewOrleansyouareintheSouth—thatisgranted;butyouarenotintheSouth;youareinamodifiedSouth,atemperedSouth.Cairowasa tempered Orient—an Orient with an indefinite something wanting. ThatfeelingwasnotpresentinCeylon.CeylonwasOrientalinthelastmeasureofcompleteness—utterly Oriental; also utterly tropical; and indeed to one'sunreasoningspiritual sense the two thingsbelong together.All the requisiteswere present. The costumes were right; the black and brown exposures,unconsciousofimmodesty,wereright;thejugglerwasthere,withhisbasket,hissnakes,hismongoose,andhisarrangementsforgrowingatreefromseedtofoliageandripefruitagebeforeone'seyes;insightwereplantsandflowersfamiliartooneonbooksbutinnootherway—celebrated,desirable,strange,butinproductionrestrictedtothehotbeltoftheequator;andoutalittlewayinthecountryweretheproperdeadlysnakes,andfiercebeastsofprey,andthewildelephantandthemonkey.Andtherewasthatswoonintheairwhichoneassociates with the tropics, and that smother of heat, heavy with odors ofunknown flowers, and that sudden invasion of purple gloom fissured withlightnings,—then the tumult of crashing thunder and the downpour andpresently all sunny and smiling again; all these things were there; theconditionswerecomplete,nothingwaslacking.Andawayoffinthedeepsofthejungleandintheremotenessesofthemountainsweretheruinedcitiesandmoulderingtemples,mysteriousrelicsofthepompsofaforgottentimeandavanished race—and this was as it should be, also, for nothing is quitesatisfyinglyOrientalthatlacksthesomberandimpressivequalitiesofmysteryandantiquity.ThedrivethroughthetownandouttotheGalleFacebytheseashore,whatadream it was of tropical splendors of bloom and blossom, and Orientalconflagrationsof costume!Thewalkinggroupsofmen,women,boys, girls,babies—eachindividualwasaflame,eachgroupahouseafireforcolor.Andsuch stunning colors, such intensely vivid colors, such rich and exquisiteminglingsandfusingsofrainbowsandlightnings!Andallharmonious,allinperfecttaste;neveradiscordantnote;neveracoloronanypersonswearingat

anothercoloronhimorfailingtoharmonizefaultlesslywiththecolorsofanygroup the wearer might join. The stuffs were silk—thin, soft, delicate,clinging;and,asarule,eachpieceasolidcolor:asplendidgreen,asplendidblue,asplendidyellow,asplendidpurple,asplendidruby,deep,andrichwithsmouldering fires—they swept continuously by in crowds and legions andmultitudes,glowing,flashing,burning,radiant;andeveryfivesecondscameaburst of blinding red thatmade a body catch his breath, and filled his heartwith joy.And then, theunimaginablegraceof thosecostumes!Sometimesawoman'swholedresswasbutascarfwoundaboutherpersonandherhead,sometimesaman'swasbutaturbanandacarelessragortwo—inbothcasesgenerous areas of polished dark skin showing—but always the arrangementcompelledthehomageoftheeyeandmadetheheartsingforgladness.Icanseeittothisday,thatradiantpanorama,thatwildernessofrichcolor,thatincomparable dissolving-view of harmonious tints, and lithe half-coveredforms, and beautiful brown faces, and gracious and graceful gestures andattitudesandmovements,free,unstudied,barrenofstiffnessandrestraint,and—Just then, into thisdreamoffairylandandparadiseagratingdissonancewasinjected.Out of amissionary school camemarching, two and two, sixteen prim andpious little Christian black girls, Europeanly clothed—dressed, to the lastdetail,astheywouldhavebeendressedonasummerSundayinanEnglishorAmerican village. Those clothes—oh, they were unspeakably ugly! Ugly,barbarous,destituteoftaste,destituteofgrace,repulsiveasashroud.Ilookedat my womenfolk's clothes—just full-grown duplicates of the outragesdisguisingthosepoorlittleabusedcreatures—andwasashamedtobeseeninthestreetwiththem.ThenIlookedatmyownclothes,andwasashamedtobeseeninthestreetwithmyself.However,wemustputupwithourclothesastheyare—theyhavetheirreasonforexisting.Theyareonustoexposeus—toadvertisewhatwewearthemtoconceal.Theyareasign;asignofinsincerity;asignofsuppressedvanity;apretensethatwedespisegorgeouscolorsandthegracesofharmonyandform;andweputthemontopropagatethatlieandbackitup.Butwedonotdeceiveourneighbor;andwhenwestepintoCeylonwerealizethatwehavenotevendeceivedourselves.Wedolovebrilliantcolorsandgracefulcostumes;andathomewewillturnoutinastormtoseethemwhentheprocessiongoesby—andenvythewearers.Wegotothetheatertolookatthemandgrievethatwecan'tbeclothedlikethat.WegototheKing'sball,whenwegetachance,andaregladofasightofthesplendiduniformsandtheglitteringorders.Whenwearegrantedpermissiontoattendanimperialdrawing-roomweshutourselvesupinprivateandparadearoundinthetheatricalcourt-dressbythehour,and

admire ourselves in the glass, and are utterly happy; and everymember ofevery governor's staff in democraticAmerica does the samewith his grandnewuniform—andifheisnotwatchedhewillgethimselfphotographedinit,too.WhenIseetheLordMayor'sfootmanIamdissatisfiedwithmylot.Yes,ourclothesarealie,andhavebeennothingshortofthatthesehundredyears.Theyareinsincere,theyaretheuglyandappropriateoutwardexposureofaninwardshamandamoraldecay.The last little brown boy I chanced to notice in the crowds and swarms ofColombo had nothing on but a twine string around his waist, but in mymemorythefrankhonestyofhiscostumestillstandsoutinpleasantcontrastwith the odious flummery in which the little Sunday-school dowdies weremasquerading.

CHAPTERXXXVIII.

Prosperityisthebestprotectorofprinciple.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.EVENING—14th.SailedintheRosetta.Thisisapooroldship,andoughttobe insuredand sunk.As in the 'Oceana', just sohere: everybodydresses fordinner;theymakeitasortofpiousduty.Thesefineandformalcostumesarearatherconspicuouscontrasttothepovertyandshabbinessofthesurroundings....Ifyouwantasliceofalimeatfouro'clocktea,youmustsignanorderonthebar.Limescost14centsabarrel.January18th.WehavebeenrunninguptheArabianSea,latterly.ClosinguponBombaynow,andduetoarrivethisevening.January 20th. Bombay! A bewitching place, a bewildering place, anenchantingplace—theArabianNightscomeagain?It isavastcity;containsaboutamillioninhabitants.Natives,theyare,withaslightsprinklingofwhitepeople—not enough to have the slightestmodifying effect upon themasseddarkcomplexionofthepublic.Itiswinterhere,yettheweatheristhedivineweather of June, and the foliage is the fresh and heavenly foliage of June.Thereisarankofnoblegreatshadetreesacrossthewayfromthehotel,andunderthemsitgroupsofpicturesquenativesofbothsexes;andthejugglerinhisturbanistherewithhissnakesandhismagic;andalldaylongthecabsandthemultitudinous varieties of costumes flock by. It does not seem as if onecouldeverget tiredofwatching thismoving show, this shiningand shiftingspectacle....Inthegreatbazarthepackandjamofnativeswasmarvelous,theseaofrich-coloredturbansanddraperiesaninspiringsight,andthequaintandshowyIndianarchitecturewasjusttherightsettingforit.Towardsunset

anothershow;this is thedrivearoundthesea-shoretoMalabarPoint,whereLordSandhurst,theGovernoroftheBombayPresidency,lives.Parseepalacesallalongthefirstpartofthedrive;andpastthemalltheworldisdriving;theprivatecarriagesofwealthyEnglishmenandnativesofrankaremannedbyadriverandthreefootmeninstunningorientalliveries—twooftheseturbanedstatuesstandingupbehind,asfineasmonuments.Sometimeseventhepubliccarriageshavethissuperabundantcrew,slightlymodified—onetodrive,onetositbyandseeitdone,andonetostandupbehindandyell—yellwhenthereisanybodyintheway,andforpracticewhenthereisn't.Itallhelpstokeepupthe liveliness and augment the general sense of swiftness and energy andconfusionandpow-wow.IntheregionofScandalPoint—felicitousname—wheretherearehandyrocksto sit on andanobleviewof the seaon theonehand, andon theother thepassingand repassingwhirland tumultofgaycarriages,aregreatgroupsofcomfortably-off Parsee women—perfect flower-beds of brilliant color, afascinating spectacle. Tramp, tramp, tramping along the road, in singles,couples, groups, and gangs, you have the working-man and the working-woman—but not clothed like ours. Usually the man is a nobly-built greatathlete, with not a rag on but his loin-handkerchief; his color a deep darkbrown,hisskinsatin,hisroundedmusclesknobbingitasifithadeggsunderit.Usuallythewomanisaslenderandshapelycreature,aserectasalightning-rod, and she has but one thing on—a bright-colored piece of stuffwhich iswoundaboutherheadandherbodydownnearlyhalf-waytoherknees,andwhichclingslikeherownskin.Herlegsandfeetarebare,andsoareherarms,exceptforherfancifulbunchesofloosesilverringsonheranklesandonherarms.Shehasjewelrybunchedonthesideofhernosealso,andshowycluster-rings on her toes.When she undresses for bed she takes off her jewelry, Isuppose.Ifshetookoffanythingmoreshewouldcatchcold.Asaruleshehasa large shineybrasswater jarofgraceful shapeonherhead,andoneofhernakedarmscurvesupandthehandholdsitthere.Sheissostraight,soerect,andshestepswithsuchstyle,andsucheasygraceanddignity;andhercurvedarmandherbrazen jarare suchahelp to thepicture—indeed,ourworking-womencannotbeginwithherasaroad-decoration.Itisallcolor,bewitchingcolor,enchantingcolor—everywhereallaround—allthe way around the curving great opaline bay clear to Government House,wheretheturbanedbignative 'chuprassies'standgroupedinstateatthedoorintheirrobesoffieryred,anddomostproperlyandstunninglyfinishupthesplendidshowandmakeittheatricallycomplete.IwishIwerea'chuprassy'.ThisisindeedIndia!thelandofdreamsandromance,offabulouswealthandfabulouspoverty,ofsplendorandrags,ofpalacesandhovels,of famineandpestilence,ofgeniiandgiantsandAladdinlamps,oftigersandelephants,the

cobraandthejungle,thecountryofahundrednationsandahundredtongues,of a thousand religions and two million gods, cradle of the human race,birthplaceofhumanspeech,motherofhistory,grandmotheroflegend,great-grandmother of tradition, whose yesterdays bear date with the moulderingantiquitiesoftherestofthenations—theonesolecountryunderthesunthatisendowedwithanimperishableinterestforalienprinceandalienpeasant,forletteredandignorant,wiseandfool,richandpoor,bondandfree,theonelandthatallmendesiretosee,andhavingseenonce,byevenaglimpse,wouldnotgive that glimpse for the showsof all the rest of the globe combined.Evennow,after the lapseofayear, thedeliriumof thosedays inBombayhasnotleftme,andIhopeneverwill.Itwasallnew,nodetailofithackneyed.AndIndia did not wait for morning, it began at the hotel—straight away. Thelobbiesandhallswerefullofturbaned,andfez'dandembroidered,cap'd,andbarefooted,andcotton-claddarknatives,someofthemrushingabout,othersatrestsquatting,orsittingontheground;someofthemchatteringwithenergy,others still and dreamy; in the dining-room everyman's own private nativeservantstandingbehindhischair,anddressedforapartintheArabianNights.Ourroomswerehighup,onthefront.Awhiteman—hewasaburlyGerman—wentupwithus,andbroughtthreenativesalongtoseetoarrangingthings.About fourteen others followed in procession, with the hand-baggage; eachcarriedanarticle—andonlyone;abag,insomecases,inothercasesless.Onestrongnativecarriedmyovercoat,anotheraparasol,anotheraboxofcigars,anotheranovel,and the lastman in theprocessionhadno loadbuta fan. Itwas all done with earnestness and sincerity, there was not a smile in theprocession from the head of it to the tail of it. Each man waited patiently,tranquilly,innosortofhurry,tilloneofusfoundtimetogivehimacopper,then he bent his head reverently, touched his foreheadwith his fingers, andwenthisway.Theyseemedasoftandgentle race,and therewassomethingbothwinningandtouchingabouttheirdemeanor.There was a vast glazed door which opened upon the balcony. It neededclosing, or cleaning, or something, and a native got down on his knees andwent to work at it. He seemed to be doing it well enough, but perhaps hewasn't,fortheburlyGermanputonalookthatbetrayeddissatisfaction,thenwithout explainingwhatwaswrong,gave thenativeabriskcuffon the jawand then told himwhere the defectwas. It seemed such a shame to do thatbefore us all. The native took it with meekness, saying nothing, and notshowinginhisfaceormanneranyresentment.Ihadnotseenthelikeofthisfor fifty years. It carriedmeback tomyboyhood, and flasheduponme theforgottenfactthatthiswastheusualwayofexplainingone'sdesirestoaslave.Iwas able to remember that themethod seemed right and natural tome inthose days, I being born to it and unaware that elsewhere there were othermethods;butIwasalsoabletorememberthatthoseunresentedcuffingsmade

mesorryforthevictimandashamedforthepunisher.Myfatherwasarefinedandkindlygentleman,verygrave,ratheraustere,ofrigidprobity,asternlyjustand uprightman, albeit he attended no church and never spoke of religiousmatters,andhadnopartnor lot in thepious joysofhisPresbyterian family,noreverseemedtosufferfromthisdeprivation.Helaidhishanduponmeinpunishmentonlytwiceinhislife,andthennotheavily;oncefortellinghimalie—which surprisedme, and showedmehowunsuspicioushewas, for thatwasnotmymaideneffort.Hepunishedme those two timesonly,andneveranyothermemberofthefamilyatall;yeteverynowandthenhecuffedourharmlessslaveboy,Lewis,fortriflinglittleblundersandawkwardnesses.Myfatherhadpassedhislifeamongtheslavesfromhiscradleup,andhiscuffingsproceededfromthecustomofthetime,notfromhisnature.WhenIwastenyears old I saw aman fling a lump of iron-ore at a slaveman in anger, formerelydoingsomethingawkwardly—asifthatwereacrime.Itboundedfromtheman's skull, and theman fell andnever spokeagain.Hewasdead inanhour. Iknewthemanhada right tokillhisslave ifhewanted to,andyet itseemedapitifulthingandsomehowwrong,thoughwhywrongIwasnotdeepenoughtoexplainifIhadbeenaskedtodoit.Nobodyinthevillageapprovedofthatmurder,butofcoursenoonesaidmuchaboutit.Itiscurious—thespace-annihilatingpowerofthought.Forjustonesecond,allthatgoestomakethemeinmewasinaMissourianvillage,ontheothersideof theglobe,vividlyseeingagain these forgottenpicturesof fiftyyearsago,andwhollyunconsciousofall thingsbut just those;andinthenextsecondIwasback inBombay,and thatkneelingnative's smittencheekwasnotdonetinglingyet!Back toboyhood—fiftyyears;back toageagain, another fifty;andaflightequaltothecircumferenceoftheglobe-allintwosecondsbythewatch!Some natives—I don't remember howmany—went intomy bedroom, now,andput things to rightsandarranged themosquito-bar,andIwent tobed tonursemycough.Itwasaboutnineintheevening.Whatastateofthings!Forthree hours the yelling and shouting of natives in the hall continued, alongwith the velvety patter of their swift bare feet—what a racket itwas! Theywere yelling orders andmessages down three flights.Why, in thematter ofnoiseitamountedtoariot,aninsurrection,arevolution.Andthentherewereothernoisesmixedupwiththeseandatintervalstremendouslyaccentingthem—roofs falling in, I judged, windows smashing, persons being murdered,crows squawking, and deriding, and cursing, canaries screeching, monkeysjabbering,macaws blaspheming, and every now and then fiendish bursts oflaughter and explosions of dynamite. By midnight I had suffered all thedifferent kinds of shocks there are, and knew that I could never more bedisturbed by them, either isolated or in combination. Then came peace—stillnessdeepandsolemnandlastedtillfive.

Then it all broke loose again.Andwho re-started it?TheBird ofBirds theIndiancrow.Icametoknowhimwell,byandby,andbeinfatuatedwithhim.Isupposeheisthehardestlotthatwearsfeathers.Yes,andthecheerfulest,andthebestsatisfiedwithhimself.Heneverarrivedatwhatheisbyanycarelessprocess, or any suddenone; he is aworkof art, and "art is long"; he is theproductof immemorial ages, andofdeepcalculation;one can'tmake abirdlikethatinaday.HehasbeenreincarnatedmoretimesthanShiva;andhehaskept a sample of each incarnation, and fused it into his constitution. In thecourse of his evolutionary promotions, his sublime march toward ultimateperfection,hehasbeenagambler,alowcomedian,adissolutepriest,afussywoman, a blackguard, a scoffer, a liar, a thief, a spy, an informer, a tradingpolitician,aswindler,aprofessionalhypocrite,apatriotforcash,areformer,alecturer,alawyer,aconspirator,arebel,aroyalist,ademocrat,apracticerandpropagatorofirreverence,ameddler,anintruder,abusybody,aninfidel,andawallowerinsinforthemereloveofit.Thestrangeresult,theincredibleresult,of thispatient accumulationof all damnable traits is, thathedoesnotknowwhat care is, he does not know what sorrow is, he does not know whatremorseis,hislifeisonelongthunderingecstasyofhappiness,andhewillgotohisdeathuntroubled,knowingthathewillsoonturnupagainasanauthororsomething,andbeevenmoreintolerablycapableandcomfortablethaneverhewasbefore.Inhisstraddlingwideforward-step,andhisspringyside-wiseseriesofhops,andhisimpudentair,andhiscunningwayofcantinghisheadtoonesideuponoccasion, he reminds one of the American blackbird. But the sharpresemblancesstop there.He ismuchbigger than theblackbird;andhe lackstheblackbird's trimandslenderandbeautifulbuildandshapelybeak;andofcourse his sober garb of gray and rusty black is a poor and humble thingcompared with the splendid lustre of the blackbird's metallic sables andshiftingandflashingbronzeglories.Theblackbirdisaperfectgentleman, indeportment and attire, and is not noisy, I believe, except when holdingreligious services and political conventions in a tree; but this Indian shamQuaker is just a rowdy, and is always noisywhen awake—always chaffing,scolding, scoffing, laughing, ripping, and cursing, and carrying on aboutsomethingorother. Ineversawsuchabirdfordeliveringopinions.Nothingescapes him; he notices everything that happens, andbrings out his opinionabout it, particularly if it is amatter that is none of his business. And it isneveramildopinion,butalwaysviolent—violentandprofane—thepresenceofladiesdoesnotaffecthim.Hisopinionsarenottheoutcomeofreflection,forheneverthinksaboutanything,butheavesouttheopinionthatisontopinhismind,andwhichisoftenanopinionaboutsomequitedifferentthinganddoesnotfitthecase.Butthatishisway;hismainideaistogetoutanopinion,andifhestoppedtothinkhewouldlosechances.

I suppose he has no enemies among men. The whites and Mohammedansneverseemedtomolesthim;andtheHindoos,becauseoftheirreligion,nevertakethelifeofanycreature,butspareeventhesnakesandtigersandfleasandrats.IfIsatononeendofthebalcony,thecrowswouldgatherontherailingattheotherendandtalkaboutme;andedgecloser,littlebylittle,tillIcouldalmostreach them; and theywould sit there, in themost unabashedway, and talkaboutmy clothes, andmyhair, andmy complexion, and probable characterandvocationandpolitics,andhowIcametobeinIndia,andwhatIhadbeendoing, and howmany days I had got for it, and how I had happened to gounhangedsolong,andwhenwoulditprobablycomeoff,andmighttherebemoreofmysortwhereIcamefrom,andwhenwouldtheybehanged,—andsoon,andsoon,untilIcouldnotlongerenduretheembarrassmentofit;thenIwouldshoothemaway,andtheywouldcirclearoundintheairalittlewhile,laughingandderidingandmocking,andpresentlysettleontherailanddoitalloveragain.They were very sociable when there was anything to eat—oppressively so.With a little encouragement theywould come in and light on the table andhelpmeeatmybreakfast; andoncewhen Iwas in theother roomand theyfound themselvesalone, theycarriedoffeverything theycould lift;and theywereparticular tochoose thingswhich theycouldmakenouseofafter theygot them. In India their number is beyond estimate, and their noise is inproportion. I suppose theycost the countrymore than thegovernmentdoes;yet that is not a light matter. Still, they pay; their company pays; it wouldsaddenthelandtotaketheircheerfulvoiceoutofit.

CHAPTERXXXIX.

Bytryingwecaneasilylearntoendureadversity.Anotherman's,Imean.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.You soon find your long-ago dreams of India rising in a sort of vague andlusciousmoonlightabovethehorizon-rimofyouropaqueconsciousness,andsoftlylightingupathousandforgottendetailswhichwerepartsofavisionthathadoncebeenvivid toyouwhenyouwereaboy,andsteepedyourspirit intalesof theEast.Thebarbaricgorgeousnesses, for instance;andtheprincelytitles, the sumptuous titles, the sounding titles,—howgood they taste in themouth!TheNizamofHyderabad;theMaharajahofTravancore;theNabobofJubbelpore; the Begum of Bhopal; the Nawab of Mysore; the Ranee ofGulnare; the Ahkoond of Swat's; the Rao of Rohilkund; the Gaikwar of

Baroda.Indeed,itisacountrythatrunsrichlytoname.ThegreatgodVishnuhas108—108specialones—108peculiarlyholyones—namesjustforSundayuseonly.IlearnedthewholeofVishnu's108byheartonce,buttheywouldn'tstay;Idon'trememberanyofthemnowbutJohnW.And the romances connectedwith thoseprincelynativehouses—to this daytheyarealwaysturningup,justasintheold,oldtimes.TheyweresweatingoutaromanceinanEnglishcourtinBombayawhilebeforewewerethere.Inthiscaseanativeprince,161/2yearsold,whohasbeenenjoyinghistitlesanddignities and estates unmolested for fourteen years, is suddenly haled intocourtonthechargethatheisrightfullynoprinceatall,butapauperpeasant;thattherealprincediedwhentwoandone-halfyearsold;thatthedeathwasconcealed, and a peasant child smuggled into the royal cradle, and that thispresentincumbentwasthatsmuggledsubstitute.Thisistheverymaterialthatsomanyorientaltaleshavebeenmadeof.The case of that great prince, the Gaikwar of Baroda, is a reversal of thetheme.Whenthatthronefellvacant,noheircouldbefoundforsometime,butat lastonewasfoundin thepersonofapeasantchildwhowasmakingmudpies in a village street, and having an innocent good time.But his pedigreewasstraight;hewasthetrueprince,andhehasreignedeversince,withnonetodisputehisright.Lately therewasanotherhuntforanheir toanotherprincelyhouse,andonewasfoundwhowascircumstancedaboutastheGaikwarhadbeen.Hisfatherswere tracedback, inhumble life, along abranchof the ancestral tree to thepointwhereitjoinedthestemfourteengenerationsago,andhisheirshipwastherebysquarelyestablished.Thetracingwasdonebymeansoftherecordsofone of the great Hindoo shrines, where princes on pilgrimage record theirnamesandthedateoftheirvisit.Thisistokeeptheprince'sreligiousaccountstraight, andhis spiritual person safe; but the record has the addedvalue ofkeepingthepedigreeauthentic,too.When I think of Bombay now, at this distance of time, I seem to have akaleidoscopeatmyeye;andIheartheclashoftheglassbitsasthesplendidfigures change, and fall apart, and flash into new forms, figure after figure,andwiththebirthofeachnewformIfeelmyskincrinkleandmynerve-webtingle with a new thrill of wonder and delight. These remembered picturesfloatpastmeinasequenceofcontracts;followingthesameorderalways,andalwayswhirling by and disappearingwith the swiftness of a dream, leavingmewith the sense that the actualitywas the experienceof anhour, atmost,whereasitreallycovereddays,Ithink.Theseriesbeginswiththehiringofa"bearer"—nativeman-servant—apersonwho should be selected with some care, because as long as he is in youremployhewillbeaboutasneartoyouasyourclothes.

In India your day may be said to begin with the "bearer's" knock on thebedroom door, accompanied by a formula of words—a formula which isintendedtomeanthatthebathisready.Itdoesn'treallyseemtomeananythingat all. But that is because you are not used to "bearer" English. You willpresentlyunderstand.WherehegetshisEnglishishisownsecret.Thereisnothinglikeitelsewhereintheearth;oreveninparadise,perhaps,buttheotherplaceisprobablyfullofit.YouhirehimassoonasyoutouchIndiansoil;fornomatterwhatyoursexis, you cannot dowithout him.He ismessenger, valet, chambermaid, table-waiter, lady's maid, courier—he is everything. He carries a coarse linenclothes-bag and a quilt; he sleeps on the stone floor outside your chamberdoor,andgetshismealsyoudonotknowwherenorwhen;youonlyknowthatheisnotfedonthepremises,eitherwhenyouareinahotelorwhenyouareaguestinaprivatehouse.Hiswagesarelarge—fromanIndianpointofview—andhefeedsandclotheshimselfoutofthem.Wehadthreeofhimintwoanda halfmonths. The first one's ratewas thirty rupees amonth that is to say,twenty-sevencentsaday;therateoftheothers,Rs.40(40rupees)amonth.Aprincelysum;forthenativeswitchmanonarailwayandthenativeservantinaprivate familygetonlyRs.7permonth,and thefarm-handonly4.The twoformerfeedandclothethemselvesandtheirfamiliesontheir$1.90permonth;butIcannotbelievethatthefarmhandhastofeedhimselfonhis$1.08.Ithinkthefarmprobablyfeedshim,andthatthewholeofhiswages,exceptatriflefor the priest, go to the support of his family. That is, to the feeding of hisfamily; for they live inamudhut,hand-made,and,doubtless, rent-free,andtheywearnoclothes;atleast,nothingmorethanarag.Andnotmuchofaragat that, in thecaseof themales.However, thesearehandsome times for thefarm-hand;hewasnot always the childof luxury thathe isnow.TheChiefCommissioneroftheCentralProvinces,inarecentofficialutterancewhereinhewasrebukinganativedeputationforcomplainingofhardtimes,remindedthem that they could easily rememberwhen a farm-hand'swageswere onlyhalf a rupee (former value) amonth—that is to say, less than a cent a day;nearly$2.90ayear.Ifsuchawage-earnerhadagooddealofafamily—andtheyallhavethat,forGodisverygoodtothesepoornativesinsomeways—hewouldsaveaprofitoffifteencents,cleanandclear,outofhisyear'stoil;Imeanafrugal,thriftypersonwould,notonegiventodisplayandostentation.Andifheowed$13.50andtookgoodcareofhishealth,hecouldpayitoffinninetyyears.Thenhecouldholduphishead,andlookhiscreditorsinthefaceagain.Think of these facts and what they mean. India does not consist of cities.TherearenocitiesinIndia—tospeakof.Itsstupendouspopulationconsistsoffarm-laborers. India is one vast farm—one almost interminable stretch offields withmud fences between. . . Think of the above facts; and consider

whatanincredibleaggregateofpovertytheyplacebeforeyou.ThefirstBearerthatapplied,waitedbelowandsentuphisrecommendations.That was the first morning in Bombay. We read them over; carefully,cautiously,thoughtfully.Therewasnotafaulttofindwiththem—exceptone;theywereallfromAmericans.Isthataslur?Ifitis,itisadeservedone.Inmyexperience, an American's recommendation of a servant is not usuallyvaluable.Wearetoogood-naturedarace;wehatetosaytheunpleasantthing;we shrink from speaking the unkind truth about a poor fellowwhose breaddepends upon our verdict; so we speak of his good points only, thus notscruplingtotellalie—asilentlie—forinnotmentioninghisbadonesweasgoodassayhehasn'tany.TheonlydifferencethatIknowofbetweenasilentlie and a spoken one is, that the silent lie is a less respectable one than theother.Anditcandeceive,whereastheothercan't—asarule.Wenotonlytellthesilentlieastoaservant'sfaults,butwesininanotherway:weoverpraisehismerits;forwhenitcomestowritingrecommendationsofservantsweareanation of gushers.Andwe have not theFrenchman's excuse. In France youmust give the departing servant a good recommendation; and you mustconceal his faults; you have no choice. If you mention his faults for theprotectionofthenextcandidateforhisservices,hecansueyoufordamages;andthecourtwillawardthem,too;and,moreover,thejudgewillgiveyouasharp dressing-down from the bench for trying to destroy a poor man'scharacter,androbhimofhisbread.Idonotstatethisonmyownauthority,Igot it fromaFrenchphysicianof fameandrepute—amanwhowasborn inParis,andhadpracticedthereallhislife.Andhesaidthathespokenotmerelyfromcommonknowledge,butfromexasperatingpersonalexperience.As I was saying, the Bearer's recommendations were all from Americantourists; andSt.Peterwouldhave admittedhim to the fieldsof theblest onthem—ImeanifheisasunfamiliarwithourpeopleandourwaysasIsupposeheis.Accordingtotheserecommendations,ManuelX.wassupremeinallthearts connected with his complex trade; and these manifold arts werementioned—and praised-in detail. His English was spoken of in terms ofwarm admiration—admiration verging upon rapture. I took pleased note ofthat,andhopedthatsomeofitmightbetrue.Wehadtohavesomeonerightaway;sothefamilywentdownstairsandtookhimaweekontrial;thensenthimuptomeanddepartedontheiraffairs.Iwasshut up inmyquarterswith a bronchial cough, and glad to have somethingfresh to lookat, somethingnew toplaywith.Manuel filled thebill;Manuelwasverywelcome.Hewastowardfiftyyearsold, tall,slender,withaslightstoop—anartificialstoop,adeferentialstoop,astooprigidifiedbylonghabit—withfaceofEuropeanmould;shorthairintenselyblack;gentleblackeyes,timid black eyes, indeed; complexion very dark, nearly black in fact; face

smooth-shaven.Hewasbareheadedandbarefooted,andwasneverotherwisewhilehisweekwithuslasted;hisclothingwasEuropean,cheap,flimsy,andshowedmuchwear.He stood beforeme and inclined his head (and body) in the pathetic Indianway,touchinghisforeheadwiththefinger-endsofhisrighthand,insalute.Isaid:"Manuel, you are evidently Indian, but you seem to have a Spanish namewhenyouputitalltogether.Howisthat?"Aperplexedlookgatheredinhisface;itwasplainthathehadnotunderstood—buthedidn'tleton.Hespokebackplacidly."Name,Manuel.Yes,master.""Iknow;buthowdidyougetthename?""Oh,yes,Isuppose.Thinkhappenso.Fathersamename,notmother."IsawthatImustsimplifymylanguageandspreadmywordsapart,ifIwouldbeunderstoodbythisEnglishscholar."Well—then—how—did—your—father—get—hisname?""Oh,he,"—brighteningalittle—"heChristian—Portygee;liveinGoa;IbornGoa; mother not Portygee, mother native-high-caste Brahmin—CoolinBrahmin; highest caste; no other so high caste. I high-caste Brahmin, too.Christian, too, same like father; high-caste Christian Brahmin, master—SalvationArmy."Allthishaltingly,andwithdifficulty.Thenhehadaninspiration,andbegantopouroutafloodofwordsthatIcouldmakenothingof;soIsaid:"There—don'tdothat.Ican'tunderstandHindostani.""Not Hindostani, master—English. Always I speaking English sometimeswhenItalkingeverydayallthetimeatyou.""Verywell,sticktothat;thatisintelligible.Itisnotuptomyhopes,itisnotuptothepromiseoftherecommendations,stillitisEnglish,andIunderstandit. Don't elaborate it; I don't like elaborations when they are crippled byuncertaintyoftouch.""Master?""Oh, never mind; it was only a random thought; I didn't expect you tounderstandit.HowdidyougetyourEnglish;isitanacquirement,orjustagiftofGod?"Aftersomehesitation—piously:"Yes,heverygood.Christiangodverygood,Hindoogodverygood,too.TwomillionHindoogod,oneChristiangod—maketwomillionandone.Allmine;

twomillion and one god. I got a plenty. Sometime I pray all time at those,keep itup,goall timeeveryday;givesomethingatshrine,allgoodforme,makemebetterman;goodforme,goodformyfamily,damgood."Thenhehadanotherinspiration,andwentramblingoffintoferventconfusionsand incoherencies, and I had to stop him again. I thought we had talkedenough,so I toldhim togo to thebathroomandclean itupandremove theslops—this togetridofhim.Hewentaway,seemingtounderstand,andgotoutsomeofmyclothesandbegantobrushthem.Irepeatedmydesireseveraltimes, simplifyingand re-simplifying it, andat lasthegot the idea.Thenhewentawayandputacoolieatthework,andexplainedthathewouldlosecasteifhedidithimself;itwouldbepollution,bythelawofhiscaste,anditwouldcost him a deal of fuss and trouble to purify himself and accomplish hisrehabilitation.Hesaidthatthatkindofworkwasstrictlyforbiddentopersonsofcaste,andasstrictlyrestrictedtotheverybottomlayerofHindoosociety—thedespised'Sudra'(thetoiler,thelaborer).Hewasright;andapparentlythepoorSudrahasbeencontentwithhisstrangelot,hisinsultingdistinction,foragesandages—clearbacktothebeginningofthings,sotospeak.Bucklesaysthat his name—laborer—is a term of contempt; that it is ordained by theInstitutesofMenu(900B.C.)thatifaSudrasitonalevelwithhissuperiorheshallbeexiledorbranded—[WithoutgoingintoparticularsIwillremarkthatasaruletheywearnoclothingthatwouldconcealthebrand.—M.T.]...ifhespeakcontemptuouslyofhissuperiororinsulthimheshallsufferdeath;ifhelistentothereadingofthesacredbooksheshallhaveburningoilpouredinhisears; if hememorizepassages from themhe shall be killed; if hemarryhisdaughter to a Brahmin the husband shall go to hell for defiling himself bycontactwith awoman so infinitely his inferior; and that it is forbidden to aSudratoacquirewealth."ThebulkofthepopulationofIndia,"saysBucklet—[Populationto-day,300,000,000.]—"istheSudras—theworkers, thefarmers,thecreatorsofwealth."Manuel was a failure, poor old fellow. His age was against him. He wasdesperatelyslowandphenomenallyforgetful.Whenhewent threeblocksonanerrandhewouldbegone twohours,and thenforgetwhat itwashewentfor.Whenhepackedatrunkittookhimforever,andthetrunk'scontentswerean unimaginable chaoswhen he got done.He couldn't wait satisfactorily attable—aprimedefect,forifyouhaven'tyourownservantinanIndianhotelyou are likely to have a slow time of it and go away hungry.We couldn'tunderstandhisEnglish;hecouldn'tunderstandours;andwhenwefoundthathe couldn't understand his own, it seemed time for us to part. I had todischargehim;therewasnohelpforit.ButIdiditaskindlyasIcould,andasgently.Wemust part, said I, but I hopedwe shouldmeet again in a betterworld. It was not true, but it was only a little thing to say, and saved hisfeelingsandcostmenothing.

Butnowthathewasgone,andwasoffmymindandheart,myspiritsbegantorise at once, and I was soon feeling brisk and ready to go out and haveadventures. Then his newly-hired successor flitted in, touched his forehead,andbegantoflyaroundhere,there,andeverywhere,onhisvelvetfeet,andinfiveminuteshehadeverythingintheroom"ship-shapeandBristolfashion,"asthesailorssay,andwasstandingatthesalute,waitingfororders.Dearme,whatarustlerhewasafter theslumbrouswayofManuel,pooroldslug!Allmyheart,allmyaffection,allmyadmiration,wentoutspontaneouslytothisfrisky little forked black thing, this compact and compressed incarnation ofenergy and force and promptness and celerity and confidence, this smart,smily, engaging, shiney-eyed little devil, feruled on his upper end by agleamingfire-coalofafezwithared-hottasseldanglingfromit.Isaid,withdeepsatisfaction—"You'llsuit.Whatisyourname?"Hereeleditmellowlyoff."LetmeseeifIcanmakeaselectionoutofit—forbusinessuses,Imean;wewillkeeptherestforSundays.Giveittomeininstallments."Hedidit.Buttheredidnotseemtobeanyshortones,exceptMousa—whichsuggested mouse. It was out of character; it was too soft, too quiet, tooconservative;itdidn'tfithissplendidstyle.Iconsidered,andsaid—"Mousa is short enough, but I don't quite like it. It seems colorless—inharmonious—inadequate; and I am sensitive to such things. How do youthinkSatanwoulddo?""Yes,master.Satandowairgood."Itwashiswayofsaying"verygood."Therewasarapatthedoor.Satancoveredthegroundwithasingleskip;therewasawordortwoofHindostani,thenhedisappeared.Threeminuteslaterhewasbeforemeagain,militarilyerect,andwaitingformetospeakfirst."Whatisit,Satan?""Godwanttoseeyou.""Who?""God.Ishowhimup,master?""Why,thisissounusual,that—that—well,youseeindeedIamsounprepared—Idon'tquiteknowwhatIdomean.Dearme,can'tyouexplain?Don'tyouseethatthisisamostex——""Herehiscard,master."Wasn't it curious—and amazing, and tremendous, and all that? Such a

personagegoingaroundcallingonsuchasI,andsendinguphiscard, likeamortal—sending it up by Satan. It was a bewildering collision of theimpossibles.ButthiswasthelandoftheArabianNights,thiswasIndia!andwhatisitthatcannothappeninIndia?Wehad the interview.Satanwas right—theVisitorwas indeedaGod in theconviction of his multitudinous followers, and was worshiped by them insincerity and humble adoration. They are troubled by no doubts as to hisdivine origin and office. They believe in him, they pray to him, theymakeofferings to him, they beg of him remission of sins; to them his person,togetherwitheverythingconnectedwithit,issacred;fromhisbarbertheybuythe parings of his nails and set them in gold, and wear them as preciousamulets.Itriedtoseemtranquillyconversationalandatrest,butIwasnot.Wouldyouhavebeen?Iwasinasuppressedfrenzyofexcitementandcuriosityandgladwonder.Icouldnotkeepmyeyesoffhim.Iwaslookinguponagod,anactualgod, a recognized and accepted god; and every detail of his person and hisdresshadaconsuminginterestforme.Andthethoughtwentfloatingthroughmy head, "He is worshiped—think of it—he is not a recipient of the palehomage called compliment, wherewith the highest human clay must makeshift to be satisfied, but of an infinitely richer spiritual food: adoration,worship!—men andwomen lay their cares and their griefs and their brokenheartsathisfeet;andhegivesthemhispeace;andtheygoawayhealed."AndjustthentheAwfulVisitorsaid,inthesimplestway—"Thereisafeatureof the philosophy of Huck Finnwhich"—andwent luminously onwith theconstructionofacompactandnicely-discriminatedliteraryverdict.It is a land of surprises—India! I had hadmy ambitions—I had hoped, andalmostexpected,tobereadbykingsandpresidentsandemperors—butIhadneverlookedsohighasThat.ItwouldbefalsemodestytopretendthatIwasnotinordinatelypleased.Iwas.IwasmuchmorepleasedthanIshouldhavebeenwithacomplimentfromaman.He remained half an hour, and I found him amost courteous and charminggentleman. The godship has been in his family a good while, but I do notknowhowlong.He isaMohammedandeity;byearthlyrankhe isaprince;notanIndianbutaPersianprince.HeisadirectdescendantoftheProphet'sline.Heiscomely;alsoyoung—foragod;notforty,perhapsnotabovethirty-fiveyearsold.Hewearshis immensehonorswith tranquilgrace,andwithadignitypropertohisawfulcalling.HespeaksEnglishwiththeeaseandpurityofapersonborntoit.IthinkIamnotoverstatingthis.HewastheonlygodIhadeverseen,andIwasveryfavorablyimpressed.Whenherosetosaygood-bye,thedoorswungopenandIcaughttheflashofaredfez,andheardthesewords,reverentlysaid—

"SatanseeGodout?""Yes."And thesemis-matedBeingspassed fromviewSatan in the leadandTheOtherfollowingafter.

CHAPTERXL.

Fewofuscanstandprosperity.Anotherman's,Imean.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.ThenextpictureinmymindisGovernmentHouse,onMalabarPoint,withthewide sea-view from the windows and broad balconies; abode of HisExcellency the Governor of the Bombay Presidency—a residence which isEuropeanineverythingbutthenativeguardsandservants,andisahomeandapalaceofstateharmoniouslycombined.That was England, the English power, the English civilization, the moderncivilization—with the quiet elegancies and quiet colors and quiet tastes andquietdignitythataretheoutcomeofthemoderncultivation.AndfollowingitcameapictureoftheancientcivilizationofIndia—anhourinthemansionofanativeprince:KumarSchriSamatsinhjiBahadurofthePalitanaState.Theyounglad,hisheir,waswiththeprince;also,thelad'ssister,aweebrownsprite,verypretty,veryserious,verywinning,delicatelymoulded,costumedlikethedaintiestbutterfly,adearlittlefairylandprincess,gravelywillingtobefriendlywiththestrangers,butinthebeginningpreferringtoholdherfather'shanduntilshecouldtakestockofthemanddeterminehowfartheyweretobetrusted.Shemusthavebeeneightyearsold;sointhenatural(Indian)orderofthingsshewouldbeabrideinthreeorfouryearsfromnow,andthenthisfreecontactwith the sunand theair and theotherbelongingsofout-doornatureand comradeship with visiting male folk would end, and she would shutherself up in the zenana for life, like hermother, and by inherited habit ofmindwould be happy in that seclusion and not look upon it as an irksomerestraintandawearycaptivity.Thegamewhichtheprinceamuseshisleisurewith—however,nevermindit,Ishouldneverbeabletodescribeitintelligibly.Itriedtogetanideaofitwhilemywifeanddaughtervisited theprincess in thezenana,a ladyofcharminggraces and a fluent speaker of English, but I did not make it out. It is acomplicatedgame,andIbelieveitissaidthatnobodycanlearntoplayitwell—butanIndian.AndIwasnotabletolearnhowtowindaturban.Itseemedasimpleartandeasy;butthatwasadeception.Itisapieceofthin,delicatestuffafootwideormore,andfortyorfiftyfeet long;and theexhibitorof thearttakesoneendofitinhistwohands,andwindsitinandoutintricatelyabout

hishead, twistingitashegoes,andinaminuteor twothethingisfinished,andisneatandsymmetricalandfitsassnuglyasamould.Wewereinterestedinthewardrobeandthejewels,andinthesilverware,anditsgraceofshapeandbeautyanddelicacyofornamentation.Thesilverwareiskept locked up, except atmeal-times, and none but the chief butler and theprincehavekeystothesafe.Ididnotclearlyunderstandwhy,butitwasnotfor the protection of the silver. It was either to protect the prince from thecontamination which his caste would suffer if the vessels were touched bylow-castehands,oritwastoprotecthishighnessfrompoison.Possiblyitwasboth. I believe a salaried taster has to taste everything before the princeventuresit—anancientandjudiciouscustomintheEast,andhasthinnedoutthetastersagooddeal,forofcourseitisthecookthatputsthepoisonin.IfIwerean Indianprince Iwouldnotgo to theexpenseofa taster, Iwouldeatwiththecook.Ceremonialsarealwaysinteresting;andInotedthattheIndiangood-morningis a ceremonial, whereas ours doesn't amount to that. In salutation the sonreverently touches thefather's foreheadwithasmallsilver implement tippedwith vermillion paste which leaves a red spot there, and in return the sonreceivesthefather'sblessing.OurgoodmorningiswellenoughfortherowdyWest,perhaps,butwouldbetoobrusqueforthesoftandceremoniousEast.After being properly necklaced, according to custom, with great garlandsmade of yellow flowers, and providedwith betel-nut to chew, this pleasantvisitclosed,andwepassedthencetoasceneofadifferentsort:fromthisglowofcolorand thissunnylife to thosegrimreceptaclesof theParseedead, theTowers of Silence. There is something stately about that name, and animpressiveness which sinks deep; the hush of death is in it. We have theGrave,theTomb,theMausoleum,God'sAcre,theCemetery;andassociationhasmadethemeloquentwithsolemnmeaning;butwehavenonamethatissomajestic as that one, or lingers upon the ear with such deep and hauntingpathos.On lofty ground, in themidst of a paradise of tropical foliage and flowers,remote from theworldand its turmoilandnoise, theystood—theTowersofSilence;andawaybelowwasspreadthewidegrovesofcocoapalms,thenthecity,mileonmile,thentheoceanwithitsfleetsofcreepingshipsallsteepedinastillnessasdeepasthehushthathallowedthishighplaceofthedead.Thevultureswerethere.Theystoodclosetogetherinagreatcircleallaroundtherim of a massive low tower—waiting; stood as motionless as sculpturedornaments,andindeedalmostdeceivedoneintothebeliefthatthatwaswhattheywere.Presentlytherewasaslightstiramongthescoreofpersonspresent,andallmoved reverentlyoutof thepathandceased from talking.A funeralprocessionenteredthegreatgate,marchingtwoandtwo,andmovedsilently

by,towardtheTower.Thecorpselayinashallowshell,andwasundercoverof a white cloth, but was otherwise naked. The bearers of the body wereseparatedbyan intervalof thirty feet fromthemourners.They,andalso themourners,were draped all in purewhite, and each couple ofmournerswasfiguratively bound together by a piece of white rope or a handkerchief—though theymerelyheld theendsof it in theirhands.Behind theprocessionfollowedadog,whichwasledinaleash.WhenthemournershadreachedtheneighborhoodoftheTower—neithertheynoranyotherhumanbeingbutthebearers of the deadmust approachwithin thirty feet of it—they turned andwentbacktooneoftheprayer-houseswithinthegates,toprayforthespiritoftheirdead.ThebearersunlockedtheTower'ssoledooranddisappearedfromviewwithin. In a littlewhile they cameout bringing the bier and thewhitecovering-cloth, and locked the door again. Then the ring of vultures rose,flapping theirwings,andswoopeddown into theTower todevour thebody.Nothingwasleftofitbutaclean-pickedskeletonwhentheyflocked-outagainafewminutesafterward.TheprinciplewhichunderliesandorderseverythingconnectedwithaParseefuneralisPurity.BythetenetsoftheZoroastrianreligion,theelements,Earth,Fire,andWater,aresacred,andmustnotbecontaminatedbycontactwithadeadbody.Hence corpsesmust not be burned, neithermust they be buried.NonemaytouchthedeadorentertheTowerswheretheyreposeexceptcertainmenwhoareofficiallyappointedforthatpurpose.Theyreceivehighpay,buttheirsisadismallife,fortheymustliveapartfromtheirspecies,becausetheircommerce with the dead defiles them, and any who should associate withthem would share their defilement. When they come out of the Tower theclothes they are wearing are exchanged for others, in a buildingwithin thegrounds,andtheoneswhichtheyhavetakenoffareleftbehind,fortheyarecontaminated, and must never be used again or suffered to go outside thegrounds.Thesebearers come to every funeral innewgarments.So far as isknown,nohumanbeing,otherthananofficialcorpse-bearer—saveone—haseverenteredaTowerofSilenceafteritsconsecration.JustahundredyearsagoaEuropean rushed in behind the bearers and fed his brutal curiositywith aglimpseoftheforbiddenmysteriesoftheplace.Thisshabbysavage'snameisnotgiven;hisqualityisalsoconcealed.Thesetwodetails,takeninconnectionwith the fact that for his extraordinary offense the only punishment he gotfrom the East India Company's Government was a solemn official"reprimand"—suggest thesuspicion thathewasaEuropeanofconsequence.Thesamepublicdocumentwhichcontainedthereprimandgavewarningthatfutureoffendersofhissort,ifintheCompany'sservice,wouldbedismissed;andifmerchants,sufferrevocationoflicenseandexiletoEngland.TheTowersarenottall,butarelowinproportiontotheircircumference,likeagasometer. If you should fill a gasometer half way up with solid granite

masonry, then drive a wide and deep well down through the center of thismass of masonry, you would have the idea of a Tower of Silence. On themasonrysurroundingthewellthebodieslie,inshallowtrencheswhichradiatelikewheel-spokesfromthewell.Thetrenchesslanttowardthewellandcarryintoittherainfall.Undergrounddrains,withcharcoalfiltersinthem,carryoffthiswaterfromthebottomofthewell.WhenaskeletonhaslainintheTowerexposedtotherainandtheflamingsunamonth it is perfectly dry and clean.Then the samebearers that brought ittherecomeglovedandtakeitupwithtongsandthrowitintothewell.Thereitturnstodust.Itisneverseenagain,nevertouchedagain,intheworld.Otherpeoples separate their dead, and preserve and continue social distinctions inthegrave—theskeletonsofkingsandstatesmenandgeneralsintemplesandpantheons proper to skeletons of their degree, and the skeletons of thecommonplace and the poor in places suited to their meaner estate; but theParsees hold that all men rank alike in death—all are humble, all poor, alldestitute.Insignoftheirpovertytheyaresenttotheirgravenaked,insignoftheirequalitythebonesoftherich,thepoor,theillustriousandtheobscureareflungintothecommonwelltogether.AtaParseefuneraltherearenovehicles;allconcernedmustwalk,bothrichandpoor,howsoevergreatthedistancetobetraversedmaybe.InthewellsoftheFiveTowersofSilenceismingledthedustofalltheParseemenandwomenandchildrenwhohavediedinBombayand its vicinity during the two centuries which have elapsed since theMohammedanconquerorsdrovetheParseesoutofPersia,andintothatregionof India. The earliest of the five towers was built by the Modi familysomethingmorethan200yearsago,anditisnowreservedtotheheirsofthathouse;nonebutthedeadofthatbloodarecarriedthither.TheoriginofatleastoneofthedetailsofaParseefuneralisnotnowknown—thepresenceofthedog.Beforeacorpseisbornefromthehouseofmourningitmustbeuncoveredandexposedtothegazeofadog;adogmustalsobeledintherearofthefuneral.Mr.NusserwanjeeByramjee,SecretarytotheParseePunchayet,saidthattheseformalitieshadoncehadameaningandareasonfortheir institution, but that they were survivals whose origin none could nowaccount for. Custom and tradition continue them in force, antiquity hallowsthem.ItisthoughtthatinancienttimesinPersiathedogwasasacredanimalandcouldguidesoulstoheaven;alsothathiseyehadthepowerofpurifyingobjectswhichhadbeencontaminatedbythetouchofthedead;andthathencehis presencewith the funeral cortege provides an ever-applicable remedy incaseofneed.TheParsees claim that theirmethodofdisposingof thedead is an effectiveprotection of the living; that it disseminates no corruption, no impurities ofanysort,nodisease-germs; thatnowrap,nogarmentwhichhas touched the

deadisallowedtotouchthelivingafterward;thatfromtheTowersofSilencenothingproceedswhich can carryharm to theoutsideworld.These are justclaims, I think. As a sanitary measure, their system seems to be about theequivalentofcremation,andassure.Wearedriftingslowly—buthopefully—toward cremation in these days. It could not be expected that this progressshould be swift, but if it be steady and continuous, even if slow, that willsuffice.Whencremationbecomestheruleweshallceasetoshudderatit;weshouldshudderatburialifweallowedourselvestothinkwhatgoesoninthegrave.The dog was an impressive figure tome, representing as he did a mysterywhosekey is lost.Hewashumble, andapparentlydepressed; andhe let hisheaddrooppensively,andlookedasifhemightbetryingtocallbacktohismindwhatitwasthathehadusedtosymbolizeagesagowhenhebeganhisfunction. There was another impressive thing close at hand, but I was notprivilegedtoseeit.Thatwasthesacredfire—afirewhichissupposedtohavebeenburningwithoutinterruptionformorethantwocenturies;andso,livingbythesameheatthatwasimpartedtoitsolongago.The Parsees are a remarkable community. There are only about 60,000 inBombay, and only about half asmany as that in the rest of India; but theymakeupinimportancewhattheylackinnumbers.Theyarehighlyeducated,energetic, enterprising, progressive, rich, and the Jew himself is not morelavish or catholic in his charities and benevolences. The Parsees build andendow hospitals, for bothmen and animals; and they and their womenkindkeepanopenpurseforallgreatandgoodobjects.Theyareapoliticalforce,andavaluedsupporttothegovernment.Theyhaveapureandloftyreligion,andtheypreserveitinitsintegrityandordertheirlivesbyit.Wetookafinalsweepofthewonderfulviewofplainandcityandocean,andsoendedourvisittothegardenandtheTowersofSilence;andthelastthingInoticedwas another symbol—a voluntary symbol this one; itwas a vulturestandingonthesawed-offtopofatallandslenderandbranchlesspalminanopenspaceintheground;hewasperfectlymotionless,andlookedlikeapieceof sculpture on a pillar. And he had a mortuary look, too, which was inkeepingwiththeplace.

CHAPTERXLI.

There isanold-time toastwhich isgoldenfor itsbeauty."Whenyouascendthehillofprosperitymayyounotmeetafriend."—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.

The next picture that drifts across the field ofmymemory is onewhich isconnectedwithreligiousthings.WeweretakenbyfriendstoseeaJaintemple.It was small, and had many flags or streamers flying from poles standingaboveitsroof;anditslittlebattlementssupportedagreatmanysmallidolsorimages.Upstairs, inside, a solitary Jainwasprayingor reciting aloud in themiddleoftheroom.Ourpresencedidnotinterrupthim,norevenincommodehimormodifyhis fervor.Tenor twelve feet in frontofhimwas the idol, asmall figure in a sitting posture. It had the pinkish look of a wax doll, butlackedthedoll'sroundnessoflimbandapproximationtocorrectnessofformand justness of proportion.Mr.Gandhi explained every thing to us.Hewasdelegate to theChicago Fair Congress ofReligions. Itwas lucidly done, inmasterlyEnglish,butintimeitfadedfromme,andnowIhavenothingleftofthat episode but an impression: a dim idea of a religious belief clothed insubtle intellectual forms, lofty and clean, barren of fleshly grossnesses; andwith this another dim impression which connects that intellectual systemsomehowwith that crude image, that inadequate idol—how, I do not know.Properlytheydonotseemtobelongtogether.Apparentlytheidolsymbolizeda person who had become a saint or a god through accessions of steadilyaugmenting holiness acquired through a series of reincarnations andpromotions extending over many ages; and was now at last a saint andqualified to vicariously receive worship and transmit it to heaven'schancellery.Wasthatit?And thencewewent toMr. PremchandRoychand's bungalow, in Lovelane,Byculla, where an Indian prince was to receive a deputation of the Jaincommunity who desired to congratulate him upon a high honor latelyconferred upon him by his sovereign, Victoria, Empress of India. She hadmadehimaknightoftheorderoftheStarofIndia.Itwouldseemthateventhegrandest Indianprince isglad toadd themodest title"Sir" tohisancientnativegrandeurs,andiswillingtodovaluableservicetowinit.Hewillremittaxes liberally, and will spend money freely upon the betterment of theconditionofhis subjects, if there isaknighthood tobegottenby it.Andhewillalsodogoodworkandadealofittogetagunaddedtothesaluteallowedhim by the British Government. Every year the Empress distributesknighthoods and adds guns for public services done by native princes. Thesaluteofasmallprinceisthreeorfourguns;princesofgreaterconsequencehave salutes that run higher and higher, gun by gun,—oh, clear away up toeleven;possiblymore,but Ididnothearofanyaboveeleven-gunprinces. Iwas told that when a four-gun prince gets a gun added, he is prettytroublesomeforawhile,tillthenoveltywearsoff,forhelikesthemusic,andkeeps hunting up pretexts to get himself saluted. It may be that supremelygrand folk, like theNyzamofHyderabad and theGaikwar ofBaroda, havemorethanelevenguns,butIdon'tknow.

When we arrived at the bungalow, the large hall on the ground floor wasalready about full, and carriages were still flowing into the grounds. Thecompanypresentmadea fineshow,anexhibitionofhumanfireworks, so tospeak, in the matters of costume and comminglings of brilliant color. Thevarietyofformnoticeableinthedisplayofturbanswasremarkable.Weweretoldthattheexplanationofthiswas,thatthisJaindelegationwasdrawnfrommanypartsofIndia,andthateachmanworetheturbanthatwasinvogueinhisownregion.Thisdiversityofturbansmadeabeautifuleffect.I could have wished to start a rival exhibition there, of Christian hats andclothes.IwouldhaveclearedonesideoftheroomofitsIndiansplendorsandrepacked the space with Christians drawn from America, England, and theColonies,dressedinthehatsandhabitsofnow,andof twentyandfortyandfiftyyearsago.Itwouldhavebeenahideousexhibition,athoroughlydevilishspectacle. Then therewould have been the added disadvantage of thewhitecomplexion. It isnotanunbearablyunpleasantcomplexionwhen itkeeps toitself,butwhenitcomesintocompetitionwithmassesofbrownandblackthefactisbetrayedthatitisendurableonlybecauseweareusedtoit.Nearlyallblackandbrownskinsarebeautiful,but abeautifulwhite skin is rare.Howrare,onemaylearnbywalkingdownastreetinParis,NewYork,orLondonon aweek-day—particularly an unfashionable street—and keeping count ofthesatisfactorycomplexionsencounteredinthecourseofamile.Wheredarkcomplexions are massed, they make the whites look bleached-out,unwholesome, and sometimes frankly ghastly. I could notice this as a boy,downSouthintheslaverydaysbeforethewar.Thesplendidblacksatinskinof the SouthAfricanZulus ofDurban seemed tome to come very close toperfection.IcanseethoseZulusyet—'rickshaathleteswaitinginfrontofthehotelforcustom;handsomeandintenselyblackcreatures,moderatelyclothedinloosesummerstuffswhosesnowywhitenessmadetheblackalltheblackerbycontrast.Keepingthatgroupinmymind,IcancomparethosecomplexionswiththewhiteoneswhicharestreamingpastthisLondonwindownow:A lady. Complexion, new parchment. Another lady. Complexion, oldparchment.Another.Pinkandwhite,veryfine.Man.Grayishskin,withpurpleareas.Man.Unwholesomefish-bellyskin.Girl.Sallowface,sprinkledwithfreckles.Oldwoman.Facewhitey-gray.Youngbutcher.Faceageneralredflush.Jaundicedman—mustardyellow.

Elderlylady.Colorlessskin,withtwoconspicuousmoles.Elderlyman—adrinker.Boiled-cauliflowernoseinaflabbyfaceveinedwithpurplecrinklings.Healthyyounggentleman.Finefreshcomplexion.Sickyoungman.Hisfaceaghastlywhite.Noendofpeoplewhoseskinsaredullandcharacterlessmodificationsofthetint whichwemiscall white. Some of these faces are pimply; some exhibitothersignsofdiseasedblood;someshowscarsofatintoutofaharmonywiththe surrounding shades of color. The white man's complexion makes noconcealments. It can't. It seemed to have been designed as a catch-all foreverything that can damage it. Ladies have to paint it, and powder it, andcosmeticit,anddietitwitharsenic,andenamelit,andbealwaysenticingit,andpersuadingit,andpesteringit,andfussingatit,tomakeitbeautiful;andthey do not succeed. But these efforts showwhat they think of the naturalcomplexion, as distributed. As distributed it needs these helps. Thecomplexionwhich they try tocounterfeit isonewhichnature restricts to thefew—totheveryfew.Toninety-ninepersonsshegivesabadcomplexion,tothehundredthagoodone.Thehundredthcankeepit—howlong?Tenyears,perhaps.TheadvantageiswiththeZulu,Ithink.Hestartswithabeautifulcomplexion,and it will last him through. And as for the Indian brown—firm, smooth,blemishless, pleasant and restful to the eye, afraid of no color, harmonizingwith all colors and adding a grace to them all—I think there is no sort ofchancefortheaveragewhitecomplexionagainstthatrichandperfecttint.Toreturntothebungalow.Themostgorgeouscostumespresentwerewornbysome children. They seemed to blaze, so bright were the colors, and sobrilliant the jewels strewing over the rich materials. These children wereprofessionalnautch-dancers,and looked likegirls,but theywereboys.Theygotupbyonesandtwosandfours,anddancedandsangtoanaccompanimentofweirdmusic.Theirposturingsandgesturingswereelaborateandgraceful,but theirvoiceswerestringentlyraspyandunpleasant,andtherewasagooddealofmonotonyaboutthetune.Byandbytherewasaburstofshoutsandcheersoutsideandtheprincewithhistrainenteredinfinedramaticstyle.Hewasastatelyman,hewasideallycostumed,andfairlyfestoonedwithropesofgems;someoftheropeswereofpearls, somewere of uncut great emeralds—emeralds renowned inBombayfortheirqualityandvalue.Theirsizewasmarvelous,andenticingtotheeye,those rocks. A boy—a princeling—was with the prince, and he also was aradiantexhibition.Theceremonieswerenottedious.Theprincestrodetohisthronewiththeport

and majesty—and the sternness—of a Julius Caesar coming to receive andreceipt for a back-country kingdom and have it over and get out, and nofooling.Therewasa thronefor theyoungprince, too,and the twosat there,sidebyside,withtheirofficersgroupedateitherhandandmostaccuratelyandcreditably reproducing the pictures which one sees in the books—pictureswhichpeopleintheprince'slineofbusinesshavebeenfurnishingeversinceSolomonreceivedtheQueenofShebaandshowedherhisthings.Thechiefofthe Jain delegation read his paper of congratulations, then pushed it into abeautifullyengravedsilvercylinder,whichwasdeliveredwithceremonyintothe prince's hands and at once delivered by himwithout ceremony into thehandsofanofficer.Iwillcopytheaddresshere.Itisinteresting,asshowingwhatanIndianprince'ssubjectmayhaveopportunitytothankhimforinthesedaysofmodernEnglishrule,ascontrastedwithwhathisancestorwouldhavegiventhemopportunitytothankhimforacenturyandahalfago—thedaysoffreedom unhampered by English interference. A century and a half ago anaddressofthankscouldhavebeenputintosmallspace.Itwouldhavethankedtheprince—1.Fornotslaughteringtoomanyofhispeopleuponmerecaprice;2.Fornotstrippingthembarebysuddenandarbitrarytaxlevies,andbringingfamineuponthem;3.Fornotuponemptypretextdestroyingtherichandseizingtheirproperty;4.Fornotkilling,blinding,imprisoning,orbanishingtherelativesoftheroyalhousetoprotectthethronefrompossibleplots;5.Fornotbetrayingthesubjectsecretly,forabribe,intothehandsofbandsofprofessionalThugs,tobemurderedandrobbedintheprince'sbacklot.Thosewererathercommonprincelyindustriesintheoldtimes,buttheyandsome others of a harsh sort ceased long ago under English rule. Betterindustrieshavetakentheirplace,asthisAddressfromtheJaincommunitywillshow:"Your Highness,—We the undersigned members of the Jain community ofBombayhavethepleasuretoapproachyourHighnesswiththeexpressionofourheartfeltcongratulationsontherecentconferenceonyourHighnessoftheKnighthoodoftheMostExaltedOrderoftheStarofIndia.TenyearsagowehadthepleasureandprivilegeofwelcomingyourHighnesstothiscityundercircumstances which have made a memorable epoch in the history of yourState, for had it not been for a generous and reasonable spirit that yourHighness displayed in the negotiations between the PalitanaDurbar and theJain community, the conciliatory spirit that animated our people could nothavebornefruit.ThatwasthefirststepinyourHighness'sadministration,andit fitly elicited the praise of the Jain community, and of the Bombay

Government.AdecadeofyourHighness'sadministration,combinedwiththeabilities, training,andacquirementsthatyourHighnessbroughttobearuponit,hasjustlyearnedforyourHighnesstheuniqueandhonourabledistinction—the Knighthood of the Most Exalted Order of the Star of India, which weunderstand your Highness is the first to enjoy among Chiefs of yourHighness'srankandstanding.AndweassureyourHighnessthatforthismarkofhonourthathasbeenconferredonyoubyHerMostGraciousMajesty,theQueen-Empress,wefeelno lessproudthanyourHighness.Establishmentofcommercialfactories,schools,hospitals,etc.,byyourHighnessinyourStatehasmarkedyourHighness's career during these ten years, andwe trust thatyour Highness will be spared to rule over your people with wisdom andforesight,andfosterthemanyreformsthatyourHighnesshasbeenpleasedtointroduce in your State. We again offer your Highness our warmestfelicitationsforthehonourthathasbeenconferredonyou.WebegtoremainyourHighness'sobedientservants."Factories, schools, hospitals, reforms. The prince propagates that kind ofthingsinthemoderntimes,andgetsknighthoodandgunsforit.Aftertheaddresstheprincerespondedwithsnapandbrevity;spokeamomentwith half a dozen guests inEnglish, andwith an official or two in a nativetongue;thenthegarlandsweredistributedasusual,andthefunctionended.

CHAPTERXLII.

Eachpersonisborntoonepossessionwhichoutvaluesallhisothers—hislastbreath.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.Towardmidnight, thatnight, therewasanother function.ThiswasaHindoowedding—no, I think it was a betrothal ceremony. Always before, we haddriven through streets that were multitudinous and tumultuous withpicturesquenativelife,butnowtherewasnothingofthat.Weseemedtomovethroughacityofthedead.Therewashardlyasuggestionoflifeinthosestillandvacantstreets.Eventhecrowsweresilent.Buteverywhereonthegroundlaysleepingnatives-hundredsandhundreds.Theylaystretchedatfull lengthandtightlywrappedinblankets,headsandall.Theirattitudeandtheirrigiditycounterfeiteddeath.Theplaguewasnot inBombay then,but it isdevastating the citynow.Theshopsaredeserted,now,halfofthepeoplehavefled,andoftheremainderthesmittenperishbyshoalseveryday.Nodoubtthecitylooksnowinthedaytimeas it looked thenatnight.Whenwehadpierceddeep into thenativequarter

andwerethreadingitsnarrowdimlanes,wehadtogocarefully,formenwerestretchedasleepallaboutand therewashardlyroomtodrivebetween them.And every now and then a swarm of rats would scamper across past thehorses' feet in thevague light—the forbearsof the rats that are carrying theplaguefromhousetohouseinBombaynow.Theshopswerebutsheds,littlebooths open to the street; and the goods had been removed, and on thecounters familieswere sleeping,usuallywith anoil lamppresent.Recurrentdeadwatches,itlookedlike.Butatlastweturnedacornerandsawagreatglareoflightahead.Itwasthehome of the bride, wrapped in a perfect conflagration of illuminations,—mainly gas-work designs, gotten up specially for the occasion.Within wasabundance of brilliancy—flames, costumes, colors, decorations, mirrors—itwasanotherAladdinshow.Thebridewas a trimandcomely little thingof twelveyears, dressed aswewoulddressaboy,thoughmoreexpensivelythanweshoulddoit,ofcourse.She moved about very much at her ease, and stopped and talked with theguests and allowed her wedding jewelry to be examined. It was very fine.Particularlyaropeofgreatdiamonds,alovelythingtolookatandhandle.Ithadagreatemeraldhangingtoit.The bridegroomwas not present. Hewas having betrothal festivities of hisownathisfather'shouse.AsIunderstoodit,heandthebrideweretoentertaincompanyeverynightandnearlyallnightforaweekormore,thengetmarried,ifalive.Bothofthechildrenwerealittleelderly,asbridesandgroomsgo,inIndia—twelve;theyoughttohavebeenmarriedayearortwosooner;stilltoastrangertwelveseemsquiteyoungenough.A while after midnight a couple of celebrated and high-priced nautch-girlsappeared in the gorgeous place, anddanced and sang.With themweremenwhoplayeduponstrangeinstrumentswhichmadeuncannynoisesofasorttomakeone'sfleshcreep.Oneoftheseinstrumentswasapipe,andtoitsmusicthegirlswentthroughaperformancewhichrepresentedsnakecharming.Itseemedadoubtfulsortofmusictocharmanythingwith,butanativegentlemanassuredmethatsnakeslikeitandwillcomeoutoftheirholesandlistentoitwitheveryevidenceofrefreshment and gratitude. He said that at an entertainment in his groundsonce, the pipe brought out half a dozen snakes, and the music had to bestoppedbeforetheywouldbepersuadedtogo.Nobodywantedtheircompany,for theywere bold, familiar, anddangerous; but noonewould kill them, ofcourse,foritissinfulforaHindootokillanykindofacreature.Wewithdrewfromthefestivitiesattwointhemorning.Anotherpicture,then—but it has lodged itself in my memory rather as a stage-scene than as a

reality.It isofaporchandshortflightofstepscrowdedwithdarkfacesandghostly-white draperies flooded with the strong glare from the dazzlingconcentration of illuminations; and midway of the steps one conspicuousfigure for accent—a turbanedgiant,with a name according to his size:RaoBahadurBaskiraoBalinkanje Pitale,Vakeel to hisHighness theGaikwar ofBaroda.Without him the picture would not have been complete; and if hisnamehadbeenmerelySmith,hewouldn't haveanswered.Closeathandonhouse-fronts onboth sides of thenarrow streetwere illuminationsof a kindcommonly employed by the natives—scores of glass tumblers (containingtapers) fastened a few inches apart all over great latticed frames, formingstarry constellations which showed out vividly against their blackbackgrounds. As we drew away into the distance down the dim lanes theilluminations gathered together into a single mass, and glowed out of theenvelopingdarknesslikeasun.Then again the deep silence, the skurrying rats, the dim forms stretchedeverywhere on the ground; and on either hand those open boothscounterfeitingsepulchres,withcounterfeitcorpsessleepingmotionless in theflickerofthecounterfeitdeathlamps.Andnow,ayearlater,whenIreadthecablegramsIseemtobereadingofwhat Imyselfpartlysaw—sawbefore ithappened—inapropheticdream,asitwere.Onecablegramsays,"Businessinthenative townisaboutsuspended.Except thewailingand the trampof thefunerals. There is but little life or movement. The closed shops exceed innumberthosethatremainopen."Anothersaysthat325,000ofthepeoplehavefledthecityandarecarryingtheplaguetothecountry.Threedayslatercomesthenews,"Thepopulationisreducedbyhalf."Therefugeeshavecarriedthedisease to Karachi; "220 cases, 214 deaths." A day or two later, "52 freshcases,allofwhichprovedfatal."Theplaguecarrieswithitaterrorwhichnootherdiseasecanexcite;forofalldiseases known to men it is the deadliest—by far the deadliest. "Fifty-twofreshcases—allfatal."ItistheBlackDeathalonethatslayslikethat.Wecanall imagine, after a fashion, thedesolationof a plague-stricken city, and thestuporofstillnessbrokenatintervalsbydistantburstsofwailing,markingthepassingoffunerals,hereandthereandyonder,butIsupposeitisnotpossibleforustorealizetoourselvesthenightmareofdreadandfearthatpossessesthelivingwhoarepresentinsuchaplaceandcannotgetaway.ThathalfmillionfledfromBombayinawildpanicsuggeststoussomethingofwhattheywerefeeling, but perhaps not even they could realizewhat the halfmillionwerefeeling whom they left stranded behind to face the stalking horror withoutchanceofescape.KinglakewasinCairomanyyearsagoduringanepidemicof theBlackDeath, and he has imagined the terrors that creep into aman'sheartatsuchatimeandfollowhimuntiltheythemselvesbreedthefatalsigninthearmpit,andthenthedeliriumwithconfusedimages,andhome-dreams,

andreelingbilliard-tables,andthenthesuddenblankofdeath:"Tothecontagionist,filledasheiswiththedreadoffinalcauses,havingnofaithindestiny,norinthefixedwillofGod,andwithnoneofthedevil-may-careindifferencewhichmightstandhiminsteadofcreeds—tosuchone,everyrag that shivers in the breeze of a plague-stricken city has this sort ofsublimity. Ifbyany terribleordinancehebe forced toventure forth,heseesdeath dangling from every sleeve; and, as he creeps forward, he poises hisshuddering limbs between the imminent jacket that is stabbing at his rightelbowandthemurderouspelissethatthreatenstomowhimcleandownasitsweepsalongonhisleft.Butmostofallhedreadsthatwhichmostofallheshouldlove—thetouchofawoman'sdress;formothersandwives,hurryingforth on kindly errands from the bedsides of the dying, go slouching alongthrough the streetsmorewillfully and less courteously than themen. For awhile it may be that the caution of the poor Levantine may enable him toavoid contact, but sooner or later, perhaps, the dreaded chance arrives; thatbundleof linen,with thedark tearful eyes at the topof it, that labors alongwiththevoluptuousclumsinessofGrisi—shehastouchedthepoorLevantinewith thehemof her sleeve!From that dreadmoment his peace is gone; hismindforeverhanginguponthefataltouchinvitestheblowwhichhefears;hewatches for the symptoms of plague so carefully, that sooner or later theycome in truth. The parched mouth is a sign—his mouth is parched; thethrobbing brain—his brain does throb; the rapid pulse—he touches his ownwrist(forhedaresnotaskcounselofanymanlesthebedeserted),hetoucheshis wrist, and feels how his frighted blood goes galloping out of his heart.There is nothing but the fatal swelling that is wanting to make his sadconvictioncomplete;immediately,hehasanoddfeelunderthearm—nopain,butalittlestrainingoftheskin;hewouldtoGoditwerehisfancythatwerestrongenoughtogivehimthatsensation;thisistheworstofall.Itnowseemstohimthathecouldbehappyandcontentedwithhisparchedmouth,andhisthrobbingbrain,andhisrapidpulse,ifonlyhecouldknowthattherewerenoswellingundertheleftarm;butdareshetry?—inamomentofcalmnessanddeliberation he dares not; but when for a while he has writhed under thetortureofsuspense,asuddenstrengthofwilldriveshimtoseekandknowhisfate; he touches the gland, and finds the skin sane and sound but under thecuticlethereliesasmalllumplikeapistol-bullet,thatmovesashepushesit.Oh!butisthisforallcertainty,isthisthesentenceofdeath?Feeltheglandoftheotherarm.Thereisnotthesamelumpexactly,yetsomethingalittlelikeit.Havenotsomepeopleglandsnaturallyenlarged?—wouldtoheavenhewereone!Sohedoes forhimself theworkof theplague, andwhen theAngelofDeath thuscourteddoes indeedand in truthcome,hehasonly to finish thatwhichhasbeensowellbegun;hepasseshisfieryhandoverthebrainofthevictim, and lets him rave for a season, but all chance-wise, of people and

things once dear, or of people and things indifferent. Once more the poorfellowisbackathishomeinfairProvence,andseesthesundialthatstoodinhischildhood'sgarden—seeshismother,andthelong-sinceforgottenfaceofthatlittledearsister—(heseesher,hesays,onaSundaymorning,forallthechurch bells are ringing); he looks up and down through the universe, andowns it well piled with bales upon bales of cotton, and cotton eternal—somuch so that he feels—he knows—he swears he could make that winninghazard,ifthebilliard-tablewouldnotslantupwards,andifthecuewereacueworth playingwith; but it is not—it's a cue thatwon'tmove—his own armwon't move—in short, there's the devil to pay in the brain of the poorLevantine; and perhaps, the next night but one he becomes the 'life and thesoul'of somesqualling jackal family,whofishhimoutby the foot fromhisshallowandsandygrave."

CHAPTERXLIII.

Hungeristhehandmaidofgenius—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.One day during our stay in Bombay there was a criminal trial of a mostinteresting sort, a terribly realistic chapter out of the "Arabian Nights," astrangemixtureofsimplicitiesandpietiesandmurderouspracticalities,whichbroughtbacktheforgottendaysofThuggeeandmadethemliveagain;infact,even made them believable. It was a case where a young girl had beenassassinatedforthesakeofhertriflingornaments,thingsnotworthalaborer'sday's wages in America. This thing could have been done in many othercountries, but hardly with the cold business-like depravity, absence of fear,absence of caution, destitution of the sense of horror, repentance, remorse,exhibited in this case. Elsewhere the murderer would have done his crimesecretly,bynight,andwithoutwitnesses;hisfearswouldhaveallowedhimnopeacewhilethedeadbodywasinhisneighborhood;hewouldnothaveresteduntilhehadgottenitsafeoutofthewayandhiddenaseffectuallyashecouldhide it.But this Indianmurdererdoeshisdeed in the full lightofday,caresnothingforthesocietyofwitnesses,isinnowayincommodedbythepresenceofthecorpse,takeshisowntimeaboutdisposingofit,andthewholepartyareso indifferent, so phlegmatic, that they take their regular sleep as if nothingwashappeningandnohaltershangingoverthem;andthesefiveblandpeopleclose the episodewith a religious service.The thing reads like aMeadows-TaylorThug-taleofhalfacenturyago,asmaybeseenbytheofficialreportofthetrial:"AttheMazagonPoliceCourtyesterday,SuperintendentNolanagaincharged

Tookaram Suntoo Savat Baya, woman, her daughter Krishni, and GopalVithoo Bhanayker, before Mr. Phiroze Hoshang Dastur, Fourth PresidencyMagistrate,undersections302and109oftheCode,withhavingonthenightofthe30thofDecemberlastmurderedaHindoogirlnamedCassi,aged12,bystrangulation,intheroomofachawlatJakariaBunder,ontheSewriroad,andalsowithaidingandabettingeachotherinthecommissionoftheoffense."Mr. F. A. Little, Public Prosecutor, conducted the case on behalf of theCrown,theaccusedbeingundefended."Mr. Little applied under the provisions of the Criminal Procedure Code totender pardon to one of the accused, Krishni, woman, aged 22, on herundertaking to make a true and full statement of facts under which thedeceasedgirlCassiwasmurdered."The Magistrate having granted the Public Prosecutor's application, theaccusedKrishniwent into thewitness-box, and, on being examined byMr.Little, made the following confession:—I am a mill-hand employed at theJubileeMill.Irecollecttheday(Tuesday);onwhichthebodyofthedeceasedCassiwasfound.PrevioustothatIattendedthemillforhalfaday,andthenreturnedhomeat3intheafternoon,whenIsawfivepersonsinthehouse,viz.:the first accused Tookaram, who is my paramour, my mother, the secondaccused Baya, the accused Gopal, and two guests named Ramji Daji andAnnajiGungaram.TookaramrentedtheroomofthechawlsituatedatJakariaBunder-roadfromitsowner,GirdharilalRadhakishan,andinthatroomI,myparamour,Tookaram, and his younger brother,YessoMahadhoo, live. SincehisarrivalinBombayfromhisnativecountryYessocameandlivedwithus.When I returned from themill on the afternoon of that day, I saw the twoguests seated on a cot in the veranda, and a fewminutes after the accusedGopalcameandtookhisseatbytheirside,whileIandmymotherwereseatedinside the room. Tookaram, who had gone out to fetch some 'pan' andbetelnuts, on his return home had brought the two guests with him. Afterreturning home he gave them 'pan supari'. While they were eating it mymothercameoutoftheroomandinquiredofoneoftheguests,Ramji,whathadhappenedtohisfoot,whenherepliedthathehadtriedmanyremedies,buttheyhaddonehimnogood.Mymotherthentooksomericeinherhandandprophesied that the disease which Ramji was suffering from would not becured until he returned to his native country. In themeantime the deceasedCasi came from the direction of an out-house, and stood in front on thethresholdof our roomwith a 'lota' in her hand.Tookaram then toldhis twogueststoleavetheroom,andtheythenwentupthestepstowardsthequarry.Aftertheguestshadgoneaway,Tookaramseizedthedeceased,whohadcomeintotheroom,andheafterwardsputawaistbandaroundher,andtiedhertoapostwhichsupportsa loft.Afterdoing this,hepressed thegirl's throat,and,

having tiedhermouthwith the 'dhotur' (nowshown inCourt), fastened it tothepost.Havingkilled thegirl,Tookaram removedhergoldheadornamentand a gold 'putlee', and also took charge of her 'lota'. Besides these twoornaments Cassi had on her person ear-studs, a nose-ring, some silver toe-rings, two necklaces, a pair of silver anklets and bracelets. Tookaramafterwardstriedtoremovethesilveramulets,theear-studs,andthenose-ring;buthefailedinhisattempt.Whilehewasdoingso,I,mymother,andGopalwerepresent.Afterremovingthetwogoldornaments,hehandedthemovertoGopal,whowasatthetimestandingnearme.WhenhekilledCassi,TookaramthreatenedtostranglemealsoifIinformedanyoneofthis.Gopalandmyselfwerethenstandingat thedoorofourroom,andwebothwerethreatenedbyTookaram.Mymother,Baya,hadseizedthelegsof thedeceasedat thetimeshewaskilled,andwhilstshewasbeing tied to thepost.Cassi thenmadeanoise.Tookaramandmymothertookpartinkillingthegirl.Afterthemurderherbodywaswrappedupinamattressandkeptontheloftoverthedoorofourroom.WhenCassiwasstrangled,thedooroftheroomwasfastenedfromthe inside by Tookaram. This deed was committed shortly after my returnhome fromwork in themill.Tookaramput the bodyof the deceased in themattress,and,afteritwasleftontheloft,hewenttohavehisheadshavedbyabarbernamedSambhooRaghoo,wholivesonlyonedoorawayfromme.Mymotherandmyselfthenremainedinthepossessionoftheinformation.Iwasslapped and threatened by my paramour, Tookaram, and that was the onlyreasonwhyIdidnotinformanyoneatthattime.WhenItoldTookaramthatIwouldgiveinformationoftheoccurrence,heslappedme.TheaccusedGopalwasaskedbyTookaram togoback tohis room,andhedidso, takingawaywithhimthetwogoldornamentsandthe'lota'.YessoMahadhoo,abrother-in-law of Tookaram, came to the house and asked Tookaram why he waswashing, the water-pipe being just opposite. Tookaram replied that he waswashinghisdhotur,asafowlhadpollutedit.About6o'clockoftheeveningofthatdaymymothergavemethreepiceandaskedmetobuyacocoanut,andIgavethemoneytoYessoo,whowentandfetchedacocoanutandsomebetelleaves.WhenYessooandotherswereintheroomIwasbathing,and,afterIfinished my bath, my mother took the cocoanut and the betel leaves fromYessoo, andwe fivewent to the sea. The party consisted of Tookaram,mymother, Yessoo, Tookaram's younger brother, and myself. On reaching theseashore,mymothermadetheofferingtothesea,andprayedtobepardonedforwhatwehaddone.Beforewewenttothesea,someonecametoinquireafterthegirlCassi.Thepoliceandotherpeoplecametomaketheseinquiriesbothbeforeandafterweleftthehousefortheseashore.Thepolicequestionedmymotheraboutthegirl,andsherepliedthatCassihadcometoherdoor,buthad left. The next day the police questionedTookaram, and he, too, gave asimilarreply.Thiswassaidthesamenightwhenthesearchwasmadeforthe

girl.After theofferingwasmade to thesea,wepartookof thecocoanutandreturnedhome,whenmymothergavemesome food;butTookaramdidnotpartakeofanyfoodthatnight.AfterdinnerIandmymothersleptinsidetheroom,andTookaramsleptonacotnearhisbrother-in-law,YessooMahadhoo,justoutsidethedoor.ThatwasnottheusualplacewhereTookaramslept.Heusuallysleptinsidetheroom.ThebodyofthedeceasedremainedontheloftwhenIwenttosleep.Theroominwhichwesleptwaslocked,andIheardthatmyparamour,Tookaram,wasrestlessoutside.About3o'clockthefollowingmorning Tookaram knocked at the door, when bothmyself andmymotheropenedit.Hethentoldmetogotothestepsleadingtothequarry,andseeifanyonewasabout.Thosestepsleadtoastable, throughwhichwegotothequarry at the back of the compound.When I got to the steps I saw no onethere.Tookaramaskedmeifanyonewasthere,andIrepliedthatIcouldseenooneabout.Hethentookthebodyofthedeceasedfromtheloft,andhavingwrapped it up in his saree, askedme to accompany him to the steps of thequarry,andIdidso.The'saree'nowproducedherewasthesame.Besidesthe'saree', therewasalsoa 'cholee'onthebody.Hethencarriedthebodyinhisarms, andwent up the steps, through the stable, and then to the right handtowardsaSahib'sbungalow,whereTookaramplacedthebodynearawall.Allthe time I andmymotherwerewith him.When the bodywas taken down,Yessoowaslyingonthecot.Afterdepositingthebodyunderthewall,weallreturned home, and soon after 5 a.m. the police again came and tookTookaram away. About an hour after they returned and took me and mymother away.Wewere questioned about it, when Imade a statement. Twohours later I was taken to the room, and I pointed out this waistband, the'dhotur', the mattress, and the wooden post to Superintendent Nolan andInspectors Roberts and Rashanali, in the presence of my mother andTookaram.TookaramkilledthegirlCassiforherornaments,whichhewantedforthegirltowhomhewasshortlygoingtobemarried.ThebodywasfoundinthesameplacewhereitwasdepositedbyTookaram."Thecriminalsideofthenativehasalwaysbeenpicturesque,alwaysreadable.TheThuggeeandoneortwootherparticularlyoutrageousfeaturesofithavebeensuppressedbytheEnglish,butthereisenoughofitlefttokeepitdarklyinteresting.Onefindsevidenceofthesesurvivalsinthenewspapers.Macaulayhasalight-throwingpassageuponthismatterinhisgreathistoricalsketchofWarren Hastings, where he is describing some effects which followed thetemporary paralysis ofHastings' powerful government brought about by SirPhilipFrancisandhisparty:"Thenatives consideredHastings as a fallenman; and theyacted after theirkind.Someofourreadersmayhaveseen,inIndia,acloudofcrowspeckingasickvulturetodeath—nobadtypeofwhathappensinthatcountryasoftenasfortune deserts one who has been great and dreaded. In an instant all the

sycophants, who had lately been ready to lie for him, to forge for him, topander for him, to poison for him, hasten to purchase the favor of hisvictoriousenemiesbyaccusinghim.AnIndiangovernmenthasonlytoletitbeunderstoodthatitwishesaparticularmantoberuined,andintwenty-fourhoursitwillbefurnishedwithgravecharges,supportedbydepositionssofullandcircumstantialthatanypersonunaccustomedtoAsiaticmendacitywouldregardthemasdecisive.Itiswellifthesignatureofthedestinedvictimisnotcounterfeited at the foot of some illegal compact, and if some treasonablepaperisnotslippedintoahiding-placeinhishouse."Thatwas nearly a century and a quarter ago.An article in one of the chiefjournalsofIndia(thePioneer)showsthatinsomerespectsthenativeofto-dayisjustwhathisancestorwasthen.Herearenicetiesofsosubtleanddelicateasort that they lift theirbreedof rascality toaplaceamong the finearts, andalmostentitleittorespect:"TherecordsoftheIndiancourtsmightcertainlybereliedupontoprovethatswindlersasaclassintheEastcomeverycloseto,iftheydonotsurpass,inbrilliancy of execution and originality of design the most expert of theirfraternity in Europe and America. India in especial is the home of forgery.There are some particular districts which are noted as marts for the finestspecimensoftheforger'shandiwork.Thebusinessiscarriedonbyfirmswhopossessstoresofstampedpaperstosuiteveryemergency.Theyhabituallylayinastoreoffreshstampedpaperseveryyear,andsomeoftheolderandmorethriving houses can supply documents for the past forty years, bearing theproper water-mark and possessing the genuine appearance of age. Otherdistrictshaveearnednotorietyforskilledperjury,apre-eminencethatexcitesarespectfuladmirationwhenone thinksof theuniversalprevalenceof theart,andpersonsdesirousofsucceedinginfalsesuitsarereadytopayhandsomelytoavailthemselvesoftheservicesoftheselocalexpertsaswitnesses."Various instances illustrative of the methods of these swindlers are given.Theyexhibitdeepcunningandtotaldepravityonthepartoftheswindlerandhispals,andmoreobtusenessonthepartofthevictimthanonewouldexpecttofind inacountrywheresuspicionofyourneighbormustsurelybeoneoftheearliestthingslearned.Thefavoritesubjectistheyoungfoolwhohasjustcomeintoafortuneandistryingtoseehowpoorausehecanputitto.Iwillquoteoneexample:"Sometimesanother formofconfidence trick isadopted,which is invariablysuccessful.Theparticularpigeonisspotted,and,hisacquaintancehavingbeenmade, he is encouraged in every form of vice. When the friendship isthoroughlyestablished, theswindler remarks to theyoungman thathehasabrotherwhohasaskedhimto lendhimRs.10,000.Theswindlersayshehasthemoney andwould lend it; but, as the borrower is his brother, he cannot

chargeinterest.Soheproposesthatheshouldhandthedupethemoney,andthelattershouldlendittotheswindler'sbrother,exactingaheavypre-paymentofinterestwhich,itispointedout,theymayequallyenjoyindissipation.Thedupeseesnoobjection,andontheappointeddayreceivesRs.7,000fromtheswindler,whichhehandsovertotheconfederate.Thelatterisprofuseinhisthanks,andexecutesapromissorynoteforRs.10,000,payabletobearer.Theswindlerallowstheschemetoremainquiescentforatime,andthensuggeststhat,asthemoneyhasnotbeenrepaidandasitwouldbeunpleasanttosuehisbrother, itwouldbebetter tosell thenote in thebazaar.Thedupehands thenoteover,forthemoneyheadvancedwasnothis,and,onbeinginformedthatitwould be necessary to have his signature on the back so as to render thesecuritynegotiable,hesignswithoutanyhesitation.Theswindlerpassesitontoconfederates,andthelatteremployarespectablefirmofsolicitorstoaskthedupeifhissignatureisgenuine.Headmitsitatonce,andhisfateissealed.Asuit is filedby a confederate against thedupe, twoaccomplicesbeingmadeco-defendants.TheyadmittheirSignaturesasindorsers,andtheoneswearsheboughtthenoteforvaluefromthedupeThelatterhasnodefense,fornocourtwouldbelievetheapparentlyidleexplanationofthemannerinwhichhecametoendorsethenote."There isonlyoneIndia! It is theonlycountry thathasamonopolyofgrandand imposing specialties. When another country has a remarkable thing, itcannothave it all to itself—someothercountryhasaduplicate.But India—that is different. Its marvels are its own; the patents cannot be infringed;imitationsarenotpossible.Andthinkofthesizeofthem,themajestyofthem,theweirdandoutlandishcharacterofthemostofthem!ThereisthePlague,theBlackDeath:Indiainventedit;Indiaisthecradleofthatmightybirth.TheCarofJuggernautwasIndia'sinvention.So was the Suttee; and within the time of men still living eight hundredwidowswillingly,and,infact,rejoicingly,burnedthemselvestodeathonthebodiesoftheirdeadhusbandsinasingleyear.EighthundredwoulddoitthisyeariftheBritishgovernmentwouldletthem.FamineisIndia'sspecialty.Elsewherefaminesareinconsequentialincidents—inIndiatheyaredevastatingcataclysms;inonecasetheyannihilatehundreds;intheother,millions.Indiahas2,000,000gods,andworshipsthemall.Inreligionallothercountriesarepaupers;Indiaistheonlymillionaire.Withhereverything isonagiant scale—evenherpoverty;noothercountrycanshowanythingtocomparewithit.Andshehasbeenusedtowealthonsovastascalethatshehastoshortentosinglewordstheexpressionsdescribing

greatsums.Shedescribes100,000withoneword—a'lahk';shedescribestenmillionswithoneword—a'crore'.Inthebowelsofthegranitemountainsshehaspatientlycarvedoutdozensofvasttemples,andmadethemgloriouswithsculpturedcolonnadesandstatelygroupsofstatuary,andhasadornedtheeternalwallswithnoblepaintings.Shehasbuiltfortressesofsuchmagnitudethattheshow-strongholdsoftherestoftheworldarebutmodestlittlethingsbycomparison;palacesthatarewondersforrarityofmaterials,delicacyandbeautyofworkmanship,andforcost;andone tomb which men go around the globe to see. It takes eighty nations,speaking eighty languages, to people her, and they number three hundredmillions.On topof all this she is themother andhomeof thatwonderofwonders—caste—andofthatmysteryofmysteries,thesatanicbrotherhoodoftheThugs.Indiahadthestartofthewholeworldinthebeginningofthings.Shehadthefirst civilization; she had the first accumulation ofmaterialwealth; shewaspopulouswithdeepthinkersandsubtleintellects;shehadmines,andwoods,and a fruitful soil. It would seem as if she should have kept the lead, andshouldbe to-daynot themeekdependentofanalienmaster,butmistressoftheworld, and delivering law and command to every tribe and nation in it.But, in truth, there was never any possibility of such supremacy for her. Ifthere had been but one India and one language—but there were eighty ofthem! Where there are eighty nations and several hundred governments,fightingandquarrelingmustbethecommonbusinessoflife;unityofpurposeandpolicyareimpossible;outofsuchelementssupremacyintheworldcannotcome.Evencasteitselfcouldhavehadthedefeatingeffectofamultiplicityoftongues, no doubt; for it separates a people into layers, and layers, and stillotherlayers,thathavenocommunityoffeelingwitheachother;andinsuchaconditionofthingsasthat,patriotismcanhavenohealthygrowth.Itwasthedivisionof thecountry intosomanyStatesandnations thatmadeThuggee possible and prosperous. It is difficult to realize the situation. ButperhapsonemayapproximateitbyimaginingtheStatesofourUnionpeopledby separate nations, speaking separate languages, with guards and custom-houses strung along all frontiers, plenty of interruptions for travelers andtraders,interpretersabletohandleallthelanguagesveryrareornon-existent,and a few wars always going on here and there and yonder as a furtherembarrassment to commerce and excursioning. It would makeintercommunicationinameasureungeneral. Indiahadeighty languages,andmorecustom-housesthancats.Noclevermanwiththeinstinctofahighwayrobbercouldfailtonoticewhatachanceforbusinesswashereoffered.Indiawasfullofclevermenwiththehighwaymaninstinct,andso,quitenaturally,thebrotherhoodoftheThugscameintobeingtomeetthelong-feltwant.

Howlongagothatwasnobodyknows—centuries,it issupposed.Oneofthechiefest wonders connected with it was the success with which it kept itssecret.TheEnglish traderdidbusiness in India twohundredyearsandmorebeforeheeverheardofit;andyetitwasassassinatingitsthousandsallaroundhimeveryyear,thewholetime.

CHAPTERXLIV.

Theoldsawsays,"Letasleepingdoglie."Right....Still,whenthereismuchatstakeitisbettertogetanewspapertodoit.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.FROMDIARY:January28.IlearnedofanofficialThug-booktheotherday.Iwasnotawarebeforethattherewassuchathing.Iamallowedthetemporaryuseofit.Wearemakingpreparations for travel.Mainly thepreparations arepurchasesofbedding.This is tobeusedinsleepingberths in the trains; inprivatehousessometimes;and innine-tenthsof thehotels. It isnot realizable;andyet it istrue. It isa survival;anapparentlyunnecessary thingwhich insomestrangewayhasoutlivedtheconditionswhichoncemadeitnecessary.Itcomesdownfromatimewhentherailwayandthehoteldidnotexist;whentheoccasionalwhitetravelerwenthorsebackorbybullock-cart,andstoppedovernightinthesmalldak-bungalowprovidedateasydistancesbythegovernment—ashelter,merely,andnothingmore.Hehadtocarrybeddingalong,ordowithout.Thedwellings of the English residents are spacious and comfortable andcommodiously furnished, and surely it must be an odd sight to see half adozenguestscomefilingintosuchaplaceanddumpingblanketsandpillowshere and there and everywhere. But custom makes incongruous thingscongruous.One buys the bedding,withwaterproof hold-all for it at almost any shop—thereisnodifficultyaboutit.January30.Whata spectacle the railwaystationwas,at train-time! Itwasavery largestation,yetwhenwearrived it seemedas if thewholeworldwaspresent—half of it inside, the other half outside, and both halves, bearingmountainoushead-loadsofbeddingandotherfreight,tryingsimultaneouslytopass each other, in opposing floods, in one narrow door. These opposingfloods were patient, gentle, long-suffering natives, with whites scatteredamong them at rare intervals; and wherever a white man's native servantappeared, thatnative seemed tohaveputasidehisnaturalgentleness for thetimeandinvestedhimselfwiththewhiteman'sprivilegeofmakingawayfor

himself by promptly shoving all intervening black things out of it. In theseexhibitionsofauthoritySatanwasscandalous.HewasprobablyaThuginoneofhisformerincarnations.Inside the great station, tides upon tides of rainbow-costumednatives sweptalong,thiswayandthat,inmassedandbewilderingconfusion,eager,anxious,belated,distressed;andwasheduptothelongtrainsandflowedintothemwiththeirpacksandbundles,anddisappeared,followedatoncebythenextwash,the next wave. And here and there, in the midst of this hurly-burly, andseeminglyundisturbedbyit,satgreatgroupsofnativesonthebarestonefloor,—young,slenderbrownwomen,old,graywrinkledwomen,littlesoftbrownbabies,oldmen,youngmen,boys;allpoorpeople,butallthefemalesamongthem, both big and little, bejeweled with cheap and showy nose-rings, toe-rings,leglets,andarmlets,thesethingsconstitutingalltheirwealth,nodoubt.Thesesilentcrowdssattherewiththeirhumblebundlesandbasketsandsmallhouseholdgearaboutthem,andpatientlywaited—forwhat?Atrainthatwasto start at some time or other during the day or night! They hadn't timedthemselveswell,butthatwasnomatter—thethinghadbeensoorderedfromonhigh,thereforewhyworry?Therewasplentyoftime,hoursandhoursofit,andthethingthatwastohappenwouldhappen—therewasnohurryingit.The natives traveled third class, and atmarvelously cheap rates. Theywerepackedandcrammedintocarsthatheldeachaboutfifty;anditwassaidthatoftenaBrahminofthehighestcastewasthusbroughtintopersonaltouch,andconsequent defilement, with persons of the lowest castes—no doubt a veryshockingthingifabodycouldunderstanditandproperlyappreciateit.Yes,aBrahminwhodidn'townarupeeandcouldn'tborrowone,mighthavetotouchelbowswitharichhereditarylordofinferiorcaste,inheritorofanancienttitleacoupleofyardslong,andhewouldjusthavetostandit;forifeitherofthetwo was allowed to go in the cars where the sacred white people were, itprobablywouldn'tbetheaugustpoorBrahmin.Therewasanimmensestringof those third-class cars, for the natives travel by hordes; and aweary hardnightofittheoccupantswouldhave,nodoubt.Whenwe reached our car, Satan andBarney had already arrived therewiththeirtrainofporterscarryingbeddingandparasolsandcigarboxes,andwereatwork.WenamedhimBarneyforshort;wecouldn'tusehisrealname,therewasn'ttime.Itwas a car that promised comfort; indeed, luxury.Yet the cost of it—well,economycouldnofurthergo;eveninFrance;noteveninItaly.Itwasbuiltofthe plainest and cheapest partially-smoothed boards, with a coating of dullpaintonthem,andtherewasnowhereathoughtofdecoration.Thefloorwasbare,butwouldnotlongremainsowhenthedustshouldbegintofly.Acrossone end of the compartment ran a netting for the accommodation of hand-

baggage;attheotherendwasadoorwhichwouldshut,uponcompulsion,butwouldn'tstayshut;itopenedintoanarrowlittleclosetwhichhadawash-bowlinoneendofit,andaplacetoputatowel,incaseyouhadonewithyou—andyouwouldbe sure tohave towels, becauseyoubuy themwith thebedding,knowing that the railwaydoesn't furnish them.On each side of the car, andrunningforeandaft,wasabroadleather-coveredsofatositoninthedayandsleeponatnight.Overeachsofahung,bystraps,awide,flat,leather-coveredshelf—tosleepon.Inthedaytimeyoucanhitchitupagainstthewall,outoftheway—andthenyouhaveabigunencumberedandmostcomfortableroomto spread out in. No car in any country is quite its equal for comfort (andprivacy) I think.Forusually there arebut twopersons in it; and evenwhenthere are four there is but little sense of impaired privacy.Our own cars athomecansurpass the railwayworld inalldetailsbut thatone: theyhavenocosiness;therearetoomanypeopletogether.At the foot of each sofa was a side-door, for entrance and exit. Along thewholelengthofthesofaoneachsideofthecarranarowoflargesingle-platewindows,ofabluetint—bluetosoftenthebitterglareofthesunandprotectone's eyes from torture. These could be let down out of thewaywhen onewanted thebreeze. In theroofwere twooil lampswhichgavea lightstrongenough to read by; each had a green-cloth attachment bywhich it could becoveredwhenthelightshouldbenolongerneeded.While we talked outside with friends, Barney and Satan placed the hand-baggage, books, fruits, and soda-bottles in the racks, and the hold-alls andheavybaggage in thecloset,hung theovercoatsandsun-helmetsand towelsonthehooks,hoistedthetwobed-shelvesupoutoftheway,thenshoulderedtheirbeddingandretiredtothethirdclass.Now then,youseewhatahandsome, spacious, light, airy,homelikeplace itwas,whereintowalkupanddown,orsitandwrite,orstretchoutandreadandsmoke.Acentraldoor in the forwardendof thecompartmentopened intoasimilarcompartment.Itwasoccupiedbymywifeanddaughter.Aboutnineintheevening,whilewehaltedawhileatastation,BarneyandSatancameandundid the clumsybighold-alls, and spread thebeddingon the sofas inbothcompartments—mattresses,sheets,gaycoverlets,pillows,allcomplete; thereare no chambermaids in India—apparently it was an office that was neverheard of. Then they closed the communicating door, nimbly tidied up ourplace, put the night-clothing on the beds and the slippers under them, thenreturnedtotheirownquarters.January31.Itwasnovelandpleasant,andIstayedawakeaslongasIcould,toenjoyit,andtoreadaboutthosestrangepeopletheThugs.Inmysleeptheyremainedwithme,and tried tostrangleme.The leaderof thegangwas thatgiantHindoowhowassuchapictureinthestronglightwhenwewereleaving

thoseHindoobetrothalfestivitiesattwoo'clockinthemorning—RaoBahadurBaskiraoBalinkanjePitale,Vakeel to theGaikwarofBaroda. Itwashe thatbroughtmetheinvitationfromhismastertogotoBarodaandlecturetothatprince—and now he was misbehaving in my dreams. But all things canhappen in dreams. It is indeed as the Sweet Singer of Michigan says—irrelevantly, of course, for the one and unfailing great quality whichdistinguishesherpoetryfromShakespeare'sandmakesitprecioustousisitssternandsimpleirrelevancy:Myheartwasgayandhappy,Thiswaseverinmymind,Thereisbettertimesacoming,AndIhopesomedaytofindMyselfcapableofcomposing,Itwasmyheart'sdelightTocomposeonasentimentalsubjectIfitcameinmymindjustright.—["TheSentimentalSongBook,"9; theme,"TheAuthor'sEarlyLife,"19thstanza.]Barroda.Arrivedat7thismorning.Thedawnwasjustbeginningtoshow.Itwas forlorn to have to turn out in a strange place at such a time, and theblinkinglightsinthestationmadeitseemnightstill.Butthegentlemenwhohadcome to receiveuswere therewith their servants, and theymakequickwork; there was no lost time. We were soon outside and moving swiftlythrough the soft gray light, and presently were comfortably housed—withmore servants to help thanwewere used to, andwith rather embarassinglyimportant officials to direct them. But it was custom; they spoke BallaratEnglish,theirbearingwascharmingandhospitable,andsoallwentwell.Breakfast was a satisfaction. Across the lawns was visible in the distancethroughtheopenwindowanIndianwell,withtwooxentrampingleisurelyupand down long inclines, drawing water; and out of the stillness came thesuffering screech of the machinery—not quite musical, and yet soothinglymelancholy and dreamy and reposeful—a wail of lost spirits, one mightimagine. And commemorative and reminiscent, perhaps; for of course theThugsusedtothrowpeopledownthatwellwhentheyweredonewiththem.After breakfast the day began, a sufficiently busy one.We were driven bywindingroadsthroughavastpark,withnobleforestsofgreattrees,andwithtanglesandjunglesoflovelygrowthsofahumblersort;andatoneplacethreelarge gray apes came out and pranced across the road—a good deal of a

surprise and an unpleasant one, for such creatures belong in themenagerie,andtheylookartificialandoutofplaceinawilderness.Wecameto thecity,byandby,anddroveall throughit. IntenselyIndian, itwas,andcrumbly,andmouldering,andimmemoriallyold,toallappearance.And the houses—oh, indescribably quaint and curious theywere,with theirfrontsanelaboratelace-workofintricateandbeautifulwood-carving,andnowandthenfurtheradornedwithrudepicturesofelephantsandprincesandgodsdone in shouting colors; and all the ground floors along these cramped andnarrow lanes occupied as shops—shops unbelievably small and impossiblypacked with merchantable rubbish, and with nine-tenths-naked nativessquatting at theirworkof hammering, pounding, brazing, soldering, sewing,designing,cooking,measuringoutgrain,grindingit,repairingidols—andthenthe swarm of ragged and noisy humanity under the horses' feet andeverywhere,andthepervadingreekandfumeandsmell!Itwasallwonderfulanddelightful.Imagine a file of elephantsmarching through such a crevice of a street andscrapingthepaintoffbothsidesofitwiththeirhides.Howbigtheymustlook,andhowlittletheymustmakethehouseslook;andwhentheelephantsareintheirglitteringcourtcostume,whatacontrasttheymustmakewiththehumbleand sordid surroundings. And when a mad elephant goes raging through,beltingrightandleftwithhistrunk,howdotheseswarmsofpeoplegetoutoftheway?Isupposeitisathingwhichhappensnowandtheninthemadseason(forelephantshaveamadseason).I wonder how old the town is. There are patches of building—massivestructures, monuments, apparently—that are so battered and worn, andseeminglysotiredandsoburdenedwiththeweightofage,andsodulledandstupefiedwithtryingtorememberthingstheyforgotbeforehistorybegan,thattheygiveonethefeelingthattheymusthavebeenapartoforiginalCreation.This is indeedoneof theoldest of theprincedomsof India, andhas alwaysbeencelebratedforitsbarbaricpompsandsplendors,andforthewealthofitsprinces.

CHAPTERXLV.

Ittakesyourenemyandyourfriend,workingtogether,tohurtyoutotheheart;theonetoslanderyouandtheothertogetthenewstoyou.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.Outof the townagain;a longdrive throughopencountry,bywindingroadsamongsecludedvillagesnestlingintheinvitingshadeoftropicvegetation,a

Sabbath stillness everywhere, sometimes a pervading sense of solitude, butalwaysbarefootnativesglidingbylikespirits,withoutsoundoffootfall,andothers in the distance dissolving away and vanishing like the creatures ofdreams.Nowandthenastringofstatelycamelspassedby—alwaysinterestingthings to lookat—and theywerevelvet-shodbynature, andmadenonoise.Indeed,therewerenonoisesofanysortinthisparadise.Yes,oncetherewasone, for a moment: a file of native convicts passed along in charge of anofficer,andwecaught thesoftclinkof theirchains.Inaretiredspot,restinghimself under a tree, was a holy person—a naked black fakeer, thin andskinny,andwhitey-grayalloverwithashes.Byandbytotheelephantstables,andItookaride;butitwasbyrequest—Idid not ask for it, and didn't want it; but I took it, because otherwise theywouldhavethoughtIwasafraid,whichIwas.Theelephantkneelsdown,bycommand—oneendofhimatatime—andyouclimbtheladderandgetintothehowdah,andthenhegetsup,oneendatatime,justasashipgetsupoverawave;andafterthat,ashestridesmonstrouslyabout,hismotionismuchlikeaship'smotion.Themahoutboresintothebackofhisheadwithagreatironprodandyouwonderathis temerityandat theelephant'spatience, andyouthinkthatperhapsthepatiencewillnotlast;butitdoes,andnothinghappens.Themahouttalkstotheelephantinalowvoiceallthetime,andtheelephantseemstounderstanditallandtobepleasedwithit;andheobeyseveryorderin the most contented and docile way. Among these twenty-five elephantswere two which were larger than any I had ever seen before, and if I hadthoughtIcouldlearntonotbeafraid,Iwouldhavetakenoneofthemwhilethepolicewerenotlooking.Inthehowdah-housethereweremanyhowdahsthatweremadeofsilver,oneofgold,andoneofoldivory,andequippedwithcushionsandcanopiesofrichand costly stuffs. Thewardrobe of the elephantswas there, too; vast velvetcoversstiffandheavywithgoldembroidery;andbellsofsilverandgold;andropesof thesemetals for fastening the thingson—harness, so to speak; andmonsterhoopsofmassivegoldfortheelephanttowearonhisankleswhenheisoutinprocessiononbusinessofstate.But we did not see the treasury of crown jewels, and that was adisappointment, for in mass and richness it ranks only second in India. Bymistakeweweretakentoseethenewpalaceinstead,andweusedupthelastremnantofoursparetimethere.Itwasapity,too;forthenewpalaceismixedmodernAmerican-European,andhasnotameritexceptcostliness.Itiswhollyforeign to India, and impudent and out of place. The architect has escaped.ThiscomesofoverdoingthesuppressionoftheThugs;theyhadtheirmerits.Theoldpalaceisorientalandcharming,andinconsonancewiththecountry.Theoldpalacewouldstillbegreatiftherewerenothingofitbutthespacious

andloftyhallwherethedurbarsareheld.Itisnotagoodplacetolecturein,onaccountoftheechoes,butitisagoodplacetoholddurbarsinandregulatetheaffairsofakingdom,andthatiswhatitisfor.IfIhaditIwouldhaveadurbareveryday,insteadofonceortwiceayear.Theprinceisaneducatedgentleman.HiscultureisEuropean.HehasbeeninEuropefivetimes.Peoplesaythatthisiscostlyamusementforhim,sinceincrossingtheseahemustsometimesbeobligedtodrinkwaterfromvesselsthataremoreorlesspublic,andthusdamagehiscaste.Togetitpurifiedagainhemust make pilgrimage to some renowned Hindoo temples and contribute afortune or two to them. His people are like the other Hindoos, profoundlyreligious;andtheycouldnotbecontentwithamasterwhowasimpure.Wefailedtoseethejewels,butwesawthegoldcannonandthesilverone—theyseemedtobesix-pounders.Theywerenotdesignedforbusiness,butforsalutesuponrareandparticularlyimportantstateoccasions.AnancestorofthepresentGaikwarhad thesilveronemade,andasubsequentancestorhad thegoldonemade,inordertooutdohim.ThissortofartilleryisinkeepingwiththetraditionsofBaroda,whichwasofoldfamousforstyleandshow.Itusedtoentertainvisitingrajahsandviceroyswith tiger-fights, elephant-fights, illuminations, and elephant-processions ofthemostglitteringandgorgeouscharacter.Itmakesthecircusapale,poorthing.In the train, during a part of the return journey from Baroda, we had thecompanyofagentlemanwhohadwithhimaremarkable lookingdog.Ihadnotseenoneofitskindbefore,asfarasIcouldremember;thoughofcourseImighthaveseenoneandnotnoticedit,forIamnotacquaintedwithdogs,butonlywithcats.Thisdog'scoatwassmoothandshinyandblack,andIthinkithadtantrimmingsaroundtheedgesofthedog,andperhapsunderneath.Itwasa long, low dog, with very short, strange legs—legs that curved inboard,something likeparentheses turned thewrongway (. Indeed, itwasmadeonthe plan of a bench for length and lowness. It seemed to be satisfied, but Ithought the plan poor, and structurally weak, on account of the distancebetween the forward supports and those abaft.With age the dog's backwaslikelytosag;anditseemedtomethatitwouldhavebeenastrongerandmorepracticabledogifithadhadsomemorelegs.Ithadnotbeguntosagyet,buttheshapeof the legsshowed that theundueweight imposedupon themwasbeginning to tell. Ithada longnose,and floppyears thathungdown,andaresignedexpressionofcountenance.Ididnotliketoaskwhatkindofadogitwas,orhowitcametobedeformed,foritwasplainthatthegentlemanwasveryfondof it,andnaturallyhecouldbesensitiveabout it.FromdelicacyIthoughtitbestnottoseemtonoticeittoomuch.Nodoubtamanwithadoglike that feels just as a persondoeswhohas a child that is out of true.The

gentlemanwasnotmerelyfondofthedog,hewasalsoproudofit—justthesameagain,asamotherfeelsaboutherchildwhenit isanidiot.Icouldseethathewasproudofit,not-withstandingitwassuchalongdogandlookedsoresigned and pious. It had been all over theworldwith him, and had beenpilgriming like that foryears andyears. It had traveled50,000milesby seaand rail, and had ridden in front of him on his horse 8,000. It had a silvermedalfromtheGeographicalSocietyofGreatBritainforitstravels,andIsawit.Ithadwonprizesindogshows,bothinIndiaandinEngland—Isawthem.HesaiditspedigreewasonrecordintheKennelClub,andthatitwasawell-known dog.He said a greatmany people in London could recognize it themoment they saw it. I did not say anything, but I did not think it anythingstrange; I should know that dog again, myself, yet I am not careful aboutnoticing dogs.He said thatwhen hewalked along in London, people oftenstoppedandlookedatthedog.OfcourseIdidnotsayanything,forIdidnotwanttohurthisfeelings,butIcouldhaveexplainedtohimthatifyoutakeagreat long low dog like that andwaddle it along the street anywhere in theworld and not charge anything, peoplewill stop and look.Hewas gratifiedbecause thedog tookprizes.But thatwasnothing; if Iwerebuilt like that Icouldtakeprizesmyself.IwishedIknewwhatkindofadogitwas,andwhatitwas for,but I couldnotverywell ask, for thatwould show that I didnotknow.NotthatIwantadoglikethat,butonlytoknowthesecretofitsbirth.Ithinkhewasgoingtohuntelephantswithit,becauseIknow,fromremarksdroppedbyhim,thathehashuntedlargegameinIndiaandAfrica,andlikesit. But I think that if he tries to hunt elephants with it, he is going to bedisappointed.Idonotbelievethatitissuitedforelephants.Itlacksenergy,itlacksforceofcharacter, it lacks bitterness. These things all show in the meekness andresignationofitsexpression.Itwouldnotattackanelephant,Iamsureofit.Itmightnotrunifitsawonecoming,butitlookedtomelikeadogthatwouldsitdownandpray.Iwishhehadtoldmewhatbreeditwas,ifthereareothers;butIshallknowthedognexttime,andthenifIcanbringmyselftoitIwillputdelicacyasideandask.IfIseemstrangelyinterestedindogs,Ihaveareasonforit;foradogsavedmefromanembarrassingpositiononce,andthathasmademegratefultotheseanimals;andifbystudyIcouldlearntotellsomeofthekindsfromtheothers, I shouldbegreatlypleased. Ionlyknowonekindapart,yet,andthatisthekindthatsavedmethattime.IalwaysknowthatkindwhenImeetit,andifitishungryorlostItakecareofit.Thematterhappenedinthisway:Itwasyearsandyearsago.IhadreceivedanotefromMr.AugustinDalyoftheFifthAvenueTheatre,askingmetocallthenexttimeIshouldbeinNewYork.Iwaswritingplays,inthosedays,andhewasadmiringthemandtrying

togetme a chance toget themplayed inSiberia. I took the first train—theearlyone—theonethatleavesHartfordat8.29inthemorning.AtNewHavenIboughtapaper,andfounditfilledwithglaringdisplay-linesabouta"bench-show"there.Ihadoftenheardofbench-shows,buthadneverfeltanyinterestinthem,becauseIsupposedtheywerelecturesthatwerenotwellattended.Itturned out, now, that it was not that, but a dog-show. Therewas a double-leaded column about the king-feature of this one,whichwas called a SaintBernard,andwasworth$10,000,andwasknowntobethelargestandfinestof his species in theworld. I read all this with interest, because out ofmyschool-boyreadingsIdimlyrememberedhowthepriestsandpilgrimsofSt.Bernardusedtogooutinthestormsanddigthesedogsoutofthesnowdriftswhenlostandexhausted,andgivethembrandyandsavetheirlives,anddragthemtothemonasteryandrestorethemwithgruel.Also,therewasapictureofthisprize-doginthepaper,anoblegreatcreaturewithabenignantcountenance,standingbyatable.Hewasplacedinthatwaysothatonecouldgetarightideaofhisgreatdimensions.Youcouldseethathewas just a shadehigher than the table—indeed, a huge fellow for a dog.Thentherewasadescriptionwhichwentintothedetails.Itgavehisenormousweight—1501/2pounds,andhis length4 feet2 inches, fromstem tostern-post;andhisheight—3feet1inch,tothetopofhisback.Thepicturesandthefiguressoimpressedme,thatIcouldseethebeautifulcolossusbeforeme,andIkeptonthinkingabouthimforthenexttwohours;thenIreachedNewYork,andhedroppedoutofmymind.IntheswirlandtumultofthehotellobbyIranacrossMr.Daly'scomedian,thelate James Lewis, of belovedmemory, and I casuallymentioned that I wasgoingtocalluponMr.Dalyintheeveningat8.Helookedsurprised,andsaidhereckonednot.ForanswerIhandedhimMr.Daly'snote.Itssubstancewas:"Come tomyprivate den, over the theater,wherewe cannot be interrupted.And come by the backway, not the front.No. 642SixthAvenue is a cigarshop; pass through it and you are in a paved court, with high buildings allaround;entertheseconddoorontheleft,andcomeupstairs.""Isthisall?""Yes,"Isaid."Well,you'llnevergetin""Why?""Becauseyouwon't.Orifyoudoyoucandrawonmeforahundreddollars;foryouwillbe thefirstman thathasaccomplished it in twenty-fiveyears. Ican'tthinkwhatMr.Dalycanhavebeenabsorbedin.Hehasforgottenamostimportantdetail,andhewillfeelhumiliatedinthemorningwhenhefindsthatyoutriedtogetinandcouldn't."

"Why,whatisthetrouble?""I'lltellyou.Yousee——"Atthatpointweweresweptapartbythecrowd,somebodydetainedmewithamoment's talk, and we did not get together again. But it did not matter; Ibelievedhewasjoking,anyway.AteightintheeveningIpassedthroughthecigarshopandintothecourtandknockedattheseconddoor."Comein!"Ientered.Itwasasmallroom,carpetless,dusty,withanakeddealtable,andtwocheapwoodenchairs for furniture.Agiant Irishmanwasstanding there,withshirtcollarandvestunbuttoned,andnocoaton.Iputmyhatonthetable,andwasabouttosaysomething,whentheIrishmantooktheinningshimself.Andnotwithmarkedcourtesyoftone:"Well,sor,whatwillyouhave?"Iwasalittledisconcerted,andmyeasyconfidencesufferedashrinkage.ThemanstoodasmotionlessasGibraltar,andkepthisunblinkingeyeuponme.Itwasveryembarrassing,veryhumiliating.Istammeredatafalsestartortwo;then——"Ihavejustrundownfrom——""Avyeplaze,ye'llnotsmokehere,yeunderstand."I laidmycigaron thewindow-ledge;chasedmyflighty thoughtsamoment,thensaidinaplacatingmanner:"I—IhavecometoseeMr.Daly.""Oh,yehave,haveye?""Yes""Well,ye'llnotseehim.""Butheaskedmetocome.""Oh,hedid,didhe?""Yes,hesentmethisnote,and——""Lemmeseeit."ForamomentIfanciedtherewouldbeachangeintheatmosphere,now;butthis idea was premature. The big man was examining the note searchinglyunder the gas-jet. A glance showed me that he had it upside down—dishearteningevidencethathecouldnotread."Isuthisownhandwrite?"

"Yes—hewroteithimself.""Hedid,didhe?""Yes.""H'm.Well,then,whyudhewriteitlikethat?""Howdoyoumean?""Imane,whywudn'theputhisnaimetout?""Hisnameistoit.That'snotit—youarelookingatmyname."Ithoughtthatthatwasahomeshot,buthedidnotbetraythathehadbeenhit.Hesaid:"It'snotanaisyonetospell;howdoyoupronounceut?""MarkTwain.""H'm.H'm.MikeTrain.H'm.Idon't rememberut.What is ityewant toseehimabout?""Itisn'tIthatwanttoseehim,hewantstoseeme.""Oh,hedoes,doeshe?""Yes.""Whatdoeshewanttoseeyeabout?""Idon'tknow.""Yedon'tknow!Andyeconfessit,becod!Well,Icantellyewanthing—ye'llnotseehim.Areyeinthebusiness?""Whatbusiness?""Theshowbusiness."Afatalquestion.IrecognizedthatIwasdefeated.IfIansweredno,hewouldcutthemattershortandwavemetothedoorwithoutthegraceofaword—Isawitinhisuncompromisingeye;ifIsaidIwasalecturer,hewoulddespiseme, and dismissmewith opprobriouswords; if I said Iwas a dramatist, hewould throwme out of thewindow. I saw thatmy casewas hopeless, so Ichose thecoursewhich seemed leasthumiliating: Iwouldpocketmyshameandglideoutwithoutanswering.Thesilencewasgrowinglengthy."I'llaskyeagain.Areyeintheshowbusinessyerself?""Yes!"I said itwith splendid confidence; for in thatmoment the very twin of thatgrandNewHavendogloafedintotheroom,andIsawthatIrishman'seyelighteloquentlywithprideandaffection."Yeare?Andwhatisit?"

"I'vegotabench-showinNewHaven."Theweatherdidchangethen."You don't say, sir! And that's your show, sir! Oh, it's a grand show, it's awonderful show, sir, andaproudman I am to seeyourhonor thisday.Andye'll be an expert, sir, and ye'll know all about dogs—more than ever theyknowtheirselves,I'lltakemeoathtout."Isaid,withmodesty:"IbelieveIhavesomereputationthatway.Infact,mybusinessrequiresit.""Ye have some reputation, your honor! Bedad I believe you! There's not ajintlemanintheworrldthatcanlayoveryeinthejudgmintofadog,sir.NowI'llvinturethatyourhonor'llknowthatdog'sdimensionstherebetterthanheknowsthemhisownself,and justby thecastingofyoureducatedeyeuponhim.Wouldyoumindgivingaguess,ifye'llbesogood?"Iknewthatuponmyanswerwoulddependmyfate.IfImadethisdogbiggerthantheprize-dog,itwouldbebaddiplomacy,andsuspicious;ifIfelltoofarshortoftheprizedog,thatwouldbeequallydamaging.Thedogwasstandingby the table, and I believed I knew thedifferencebetweenhimand theonewhosepictureIhadseeninthenewspapertoashade.Ispokepromptlyupandsaid:"It'snotroubletoguessthisnoblecreature'sfigures:height,threefeet;length,fourfeetandthree-quartersofaninch;weight,ahundredandforty-eightandaquarter."Themansnatchedhishatfromitspeganddancedonitwithjoy,shouting:"Ye'vehardlymissed it thehair's breadth,hardly the shadeof a shade,yourhonor!Oh,it'sthemiraculouseyeye'vegot,forthejudgmintofadog!"Andstillpouringouthisadmirationofmycapacities,hesnatchedoffhisvestandscouredoffoneofthewoodenchairswithit,andscrubbeditandpolishedit,andsaid:"There, sit down, your honor, I'm ashamed ofmeself that I forgot ye werestandingallthistime;anddoputonyourhat,yemustn'ttakecold,it'sadraftyplace;andhereisyourcigar,sir,agettingcold,I'llgiveyealight.There.Theplace is all yours, sir, and if ye'll just put your feet on the table andmakeyourself at home, I'll stir around and get a candle and light ye up the ouldcrazy stairs and see that ye don't come to anny harm, for be this timeMr.Daly'llbethatimpatienttoseeyourhonorthathe'llbetakingtheroofoff."Heconductedmecautiouslyand tenderlyup thestairs, lighting thewayandprotectingmewithfriendlywarnings, thenpushedthedooropenandbowedmeinandwenthisway,mumblingheartythingsaboutmywonderfuleyefor

pointsofadog.Mr.Dalywaswritingandhadhisbacktome.Heglancedoverhisshoulderpresently,thenjumpedupandsaid—"Oh,dearme,Iforgotallaboutgivinginstructions.Iwasjustwritingyoutobegathousandpardons.Buthowisityouarehere?HowdidyougetbythatIrishman?Youare the firstman that'sdone it in five and twentyyears.Youdidn'tbribehim,Iknowthat;there'snotmoneyenoughinNewYorktodoit.Andyoudidn'tpersuadehim;heisalliceandiron:thereisn'tasoftplacenorawarmoneinhimanywhere.Whatisyoursecret?Lookhere;youowemeahundreddollarsforunintentionallygivingyouachancetoperformamiracle—foritisamiraclethatyou'vedone.""Thatisallright,"Isaid,"collectitofJimmyLewis."Thatgooddognotonlydidmethatgoodturninthetimeofmyneed,buthewon forme the envious reputation among all the theatrical people from theAtlantictothePacificofbeingtheonlymaninhistorywhohadeverruntheblockadeofAugustinDaly'sbackdoor.

CHAPTERXLVI.

If the desire to kill and the opportunity to kill came always together, whowouldescapehanging.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.On the Train. Fifty years ago, when I was a boy in the then remote andsparsely peopledMississippi valley, vague tales and rumors of amysteriousbodyofprofessionalmurdererscamewanderinginfromacountrywhichwasconstructively as far from us as the constellations blinking in space—India;vaguetalesandrumorsofasectcalledThugs,whowaylaidtravelersinlonelyplaces and killed them for the contentment of a godwhom theyworshiped;tales which everybody liked to listen to and nobody believed, except withreservations. It was considered that the stories had gathered bulk on theirtravels. The matter died down and a lull followed. Then Eugene Sue's"WanderingJew"appeared,andmadegreattalkforawhile.OnecharacterinitwasachiefofThugs—"Feringhea"—amysteriousandterribleIndianwhowasasslipperyandslyasaserpent,andasdeadly;andhestirreduptheThuginterestoncemore.Butitdidnotlast.Itpresentlydiedagainthistimetostaydead.At firstglance it seems strange that this shouldhavehappened;but really itwasnot strange—on thecontrary—itwasnatural; Imeanonour sideof thewater.ForthesourcewhencetheThugtalesmainlycamewasaGovernmentReport, andwithout doubtwas not republished inAmerica; itwas probably

neverevenseenthere.GovernmentReportshavenogeneralcirculation.Theyaredistributedtothefew,andarenotalwaysreadbythosefew.IheardofthisReport for the first time a day or two ago, and borrowed it. It is full offascinations;anditturnsthosedim,darkfairytalesofmyboyhooddaysintorealities.TheReportwasmadein1839byMajorSleeman,oftheIndianService,andwasprintedinCalcuttain1840.It isaclumsy,great,fat,poorsampleoftheprinter'sart,butgoodenoughforagovernmentprinting-officeinthatolddayandinthatremoteregion,perhaps.ToMajorSleemanwasgiventhegeneralsuperintendenceofthegianttaskofriddingIndiaofThuggee,andheandhisseventeen assistants accomplished it. It was theAugean Stables over again.CaptainVallancey,writinginaMadrasjournalinthoseoldtimes,makesthisremark:"Thedaythatseesthisfar-spreadevileradicatedfromIndiaandknownonlyinname,willgreatlytendtoimmortalizeBritishruleintheEast."He did not overestimate the magnitude and difficulty of the work, nor theimmensityofthecreditwhichwouldjustlybeduetoBritishruleincaseitwasaccomplished.ThuggeebecameknowntotheBritishauthoritiesinIndiaabout1810,butitswide prevalencewas not suspected; itwas not regarded as a seriousmatter,andnosystematicmeasureswere taken for its suppressionuntil about1830.About that time Major Sleeman captured Eugene Sue's Thug-chief,"Feringhea," and got him to turn King's evidence. The revelations were sostupefying that Sleemanwas not able to believe them. Sleeman thought hekneweverycriminalwithinhis jurisdiction,and that theworstof themweremerely thieves; but Feringhea told him that he was in reality living in themidstofaswarmofprofessionalmurderers;thattheyhadbeenallabouthimformanyyears,andthattheyburiedtheirdeadcloseby.Theseseemedinsanetales;butFeringheasaidcomeandsee—andhetookhimtoagraveanddugupahundredbodies, and toldhimall the circumstancesof thekillings, andnamed the Thugs who had done the work. It was a staggering business.Sleeman captured some of these Thugs and proceeded to examine themseparately, and with proper precautions against collusion; for he would notbelieve any Indian's unsupported word. The evidence gathered proved thetruth of what Feringhea had said, and also revealed the fact that gangs ofThugswereplyingtheirtradealloverIndia.TheastonishedgovernmentnowtookholdofThuggee, and for tenyearsmade systematic and relentlesswarupon it, and finally destroyed it. Gang after gang was captured, tried, andpunished.TheThugswere harried and hunted fromone end of India to theother.Thegovernmentgotalltheirsecretsoutofthem;andalsogotthenamesofthemembersofthebands,andrecordedtheminabook,togetherwiththeir

birthplacesandplacesofresidence.The Thugs were worshipers of Bhowanee; and to this god they sacrificedanybodythatcamehandy;buttheykeptthedeadman'sthingsthemselves,forthegodcaredfornothingbutthecorpse.Menwereinitiatedintothesectwithsolemnceremonies.Thentheyweretaughthowtostrangleapersonwiththesacred choke-cloth, but were not allowed to perform officially with it untilafter long practice. No half-educated strangler could choke a man to deathquicklyenoughtokeephimfromutteringasound—amuffledscream,gurgle,gasp,moan,orsomethingofthesort;buttheexpert'sworkwasinstantaneous:theclothwaswhippedaroundthevictim'sneck,therewasasuddentwist,andtheheadfellsilentlyforward, theeyesstartingfromthesockets;andallwasover.TheThugcarefullyguardedagainstresistance.Itwasusualtotogetthevictimstositdown,forthatwasthehandiestpositionforbusiness.IftheThughadplannedIndiaitselfitcouldnothavebeenmoreconvenientlyarrangedfortheneedsofhisoccupation.Therewerenopublicconveyances.Therewerenoconveyancesforhire.Thetravelerwentonfootorinabullockcartoronahorsewhichheboughtforthepurpose.AssoonashewasoutofhisownlittleStateorprincipalityhewasamongstrangers;nobodyknewhim,nobodytooknoteofhim,andfromthattimehismovements couldno longer be traced.Hedidnot stop in townsorvillages, but camped outside of them and sent his servants in to buyprovisions. There were no habitations between villages. Whenever he wasbetweenvillageshewas an easyprey,particularly asheusually traveledbynight, to avoid the heat. He was always being overtaken by strangers whoofferedhimtheprotectionoftheircompany,oraskedfortheprotectionofhis—andthesestrangerswereoftenThugs,ashepresentlyfoundouttohiscost.Thelandholders, thenativepolice, thepettyprinces, thevillageofficials, thecustoms officerswere inmany cases protectors and harborers of theThugs,andbetrayedtravelerstothemforashareofthespoil.Atfirstthisconditionofthingsmadeitnexttoimpossibleforthegovernmenttocatchthemarauders;they were spirited away by these watchful friends. All through a vastcontinent,thusinfested,helplesspeopleofeverycasteandkindmovedalongthe paths and trails in couples and groups silently by night, carrying thecommerceofthecountry—treasure,jewels,money,andpettybatchesofsilks,spices,andallmannerofwares.ItwasaparadisefortheThug.Whentheautumnopened,theThugsbegantogathertogetherbypre-concert.Other people had to have interpreters at every turn, but not theThugs; theycould talk together, nomatter how far apart theywere born, for they had alanguage of their own, and they had secret signs bywhich they knew eachother for Thugs; and they were always friends. Even their diversities ofreligionandcasteweresunkindevotiontotheircalling,andtheMoslemand

thehigh-casteandlow-casteHindoowerestaunchandaffectionatebrothersinThuggery.Whenaganghadbeenassembled,theyhadreligiousworship,andwaitedforan omen. They had definite notions about the omens. The cries of certainanimalsweregoodomens,thecriesofcertainothercreatureswerebadomens.Abadomenwouldstopproceedingsandsendthemenhome.The sword and the strangling-cloth were sacred emblems. The Thugsworshiped the sword at home before going out to the assembling-place; thestrangling-clothwasworshipedattheplaceofassembly.Thechiefsofmostofthe bands performed the religious ceremonies themselves; but the Kaetsdelegated them to certain official stranglers (Chaurs).The rites of theKaetsweresoholythatnoonebuttheChaurwasallowedtotouchthevesselsandotherthingsusedinthem.Thugmethodsexhibitacuriousmixtureofcautionandtheabsenceofit;coldbusiness calculation and sudden, unreflecting impulse; but there were twodetailswhichwereconstant,andnotsubjecttocaprice:patientpersistenceinfollowinguptheprey,andpitilessnesswhenthetimecametoact.Caution was exhibited in the strength of the bands. They never feltcomfortableandconfidentunlesstheirstrengthexceededthatofanypartyoftravelers theywere likely tomeetby fouror fivefold.Yet itwasnever theirpurpose to attack openly, but only when the victims were off their guard.When they got hold of a party of travelers they oftenmoved along in theircompanyseveraldays,usingallmannerofartstowintheirfriendshipandgettheirconfidence.Atlast,whenthiswasaccomplishedtotheirsatisfaction,therealbusinessbegan.AfewThugswereprivatelydetachedandsentforwardinthe dark to select a good killing-place and dig the graves. When the restreached thespotahaltwascalled, fora restorasmoke.The travelerswereinvitedtosit.Bysigns,thechiefappointedcertainThugstositdowninfrontof the travelers as if towaitupon them,others to sit downbeside themandengagetheminconversation,andcertainexpertstranglerstostandbehindthetravelersandbereadywhenthesignalwasgiven.Thesignalwasusuallysomecommonplace remark, like "Bring the tobacco." Sometimes a considerablewaitensuedafteralltheactorswereintheirplaces—thechiefwasbidinghistime, in order tomake everything sure.Meantime, the talk droned on, dimfigures moved about in the dull light, peace and tranquility reigned, thetravelersresignedthemselvestothepleasantreposefulnessandcomfortofthesituation,unconsciousof thedeath-angelsstandingmotionlessat theirbacks.Thetimewasripe,now,andthesignalcame:"Bringthetobacco."Therewasamute swiftmovement, all in the same instant themenat eachvictim's sidesseizedhishands, theman in frontseizedhis feet,andpulled, themanathisbackwhipped the cloth aroundhis neck andgave it a twist—thehead sunk

forward,thetragedywasover.Thebodieswerestrippedandcoveredupinthegraves,thespoilpackedfortransportation,thentheThugsgavepiousthankstoBhowanee,anddepartedonfurtherholyservice.The Report shows that the travelers moved in exceedingly small groups—twos, threes, fours,asarule;apartywithadozen in itwasrare.TheThugsthemselvesseemtohavebeentheonlypeoplewhomovedinforce.Theywentaboutingangsof10,15,25,40,60,100,150,200,250,andonegangof310ismentioned.Consideringtheirnumbers,theircatchwasnotextraordinary—particularlywhenyouconsider that theywerenot in the least fastidious,buttookanybodytheycouldget,whetherrichorpoor,andsometimesevenkilledchildren.Nowandthentheykilledwomen,butitwasconsideredsinfultodoit, andunlucky.The "season"was sixor eightmonths long.One season thehalf dozen Bundelkand and Gwalior gangs aggregated 712 men, and theymurdered210people.OneseasontheMalwaandKandeishgangsaggregated702men,andtheymurdered232.OneseasontheKandeishandBerargangsaggregated963men,andtheymurdered385people.Here is the tally-sheet of a gang of sixty Thugs for a whole season—gangundertwonotedchiefs,"ChoteeandSheikNungoofromGwalior":"LeftPoora,inJhansee,andonarrivalatSaroramurderedatraveler."OnnearlyreachingBhopal,met3Brahmins,andmurderedthem."CrosstheNerbudda;atavillagecalledHutteea,murderedaHindoo."Went throughAurungabad toWalagow; theremet aHavildar of the barbercasteand5sepoys(nativesoldiers);intheeveningcametoJokur,andinthemorningkilledthemneartheplacewherethetreasure-bearerswerekilledtheyearbefore."BetweenJokurandDholeeametasepoyoftheshepherdcaste;killedhiminthejungle."Passed throughDholeea and lodged in a village; twomiles beyond, on theroadtoIndore,metaByragee(beggar-holymendicant);murderedhimattheThapa."In the morning, beyond the Thapa, fell in with 3 Marwarie travelers;murderedthem."NearavillageonthebanksoftheTapteemet4travelersandkilledthem."BetweenChoupraandDhoreeametaMarwarie;murderedhim."AtDhoreeamet3Marwaries;tookthemtwomilesandmurderedthem."Two miles further on, overtaken by three treasure-bearers; took them twomilesandmurderedtheminthejungle."CameontoKhurgoreBateesainIndore,dividedspoil,anddispersed.

"Atotalof27menmurderedononeexpedition."Chotee (to save his neck) was informer, and furnished these facts. Severalthings are noticeable about his resume. 1. Business brevity; 2, absence ofemotion; 3, smallness of the parties encountered by the 60; 4, variety incharacter and quality of the game captured; 5, Hindoo and MohammedanchiefsinbusinesstogetherforBhowanee;6,thesacredcasteoftheBrahminsnot respected by either; 7, nor yet the character of that mendicant, thatByragee.Abeggarisaholycreature,andsomeofthegangssparedhimonthataccount,nomatterhowslackbusinessmightbe;butothergangsslaughterednotonlyhim, but even that sacredest of sacred creatures, the fakeer—that repulsiveskin-and-bonethingthatgoesaroundnakedandmatshisbushyhairwithdustanddirt,andsobeflourshisleanbodywithashesthathelookslikeaspecter.Sometimesafakeertrustedashadetoofarintheprotectionofhissacredness.In the middle of a tally-sheet of Feringhea's, who had been out with fortyThugs,Ifindacaseofthekind.Afterthekillingofthirty-ninemenandonewoman,thefakeerappearsonthescene:"ApproachingDoregow,met3pundits;alsoafakeer,mountedonapony;hewas plastered over with sugar to collect flies, and was covered with them.Droveoffthefakeer,andkilledtheotherthree."Leaving Doregow, the fakeer joined again, and went on in company toRaojana;met6KhutriesontheirwayfromBombaytoNagpore.Droveoffthefakeer with stones, and killed the 6 men in camp, and buried them in thegrove."Nextdaythefakeerjoinedagain;madehimleaveatMana.Beyondthere,fellinwith twoKaharsandasepoy,andcameon towards theplaceselectedforthemurder.Whennearit,thefakeercameagain.Losingallpatiencewithhim,gaveMithoo,oneofthegang,5rupees($2.50)tomurderhim,andtakethesinuponhimself.Allfourwerestrangled,includingthefakeer.Surprisedtofindamongthefakeer'seffects30poundsofcoral,350stringsofsmallpearls,15stringsoflargepearls,andagiltnecklace."It it curious, the little effect that time has upon a really interestingcircumstance. This one, so old, so long ago gone down into oblivion, readswith the same freshness and charm that attach to the news in the morningpaper; one's spirits go up, then down, then up again, following the chanceswhichthefakeer isrunning;nowyouhope,nowyoudespair,nowyouhopeagain; and at last everything comes out right, and you feel a greatwave ofpersonalsatisfactiongowelteringthroughyou,andwithoutthinking,youputout your hand to patMithoo on the back,when—puff! thewhole thing hasvanished away, there is nothing there;Mithoo and all the crowd have been

dust and ashes and forgotten, oh, somany,many,many lagging years!Andthencomesasenseof injury:youdon'tknowwhetherMithoogot theswag,alongwiththesin,orhadtodivideuptheswagandkeepallthesinhimself.Thereisnoliteraryartaboutagovernmentreport.Itstopsastoryrightinthemostinterestingplace.ThesereportsofThugexpeditionsrunalonginterminablyinonemonotonoustune:"Metasepoy—killedhim;met5pundits—killedthem;met4Rajpootsandawoman—killedthem"—andsoon,tillthestatisticsgettobeprettydry.ButthissmalltripofFeringhea'sFortyhadsomelittlevarietyaboutit.Oncetheycameacrossamanhidinginagrave—athief;hehadstolen1,100rupeesfrom Dhunroj Seith of Parowtee. They strangled him and took the money.Theyhadnopatiencewiththieves.Theykilledtwotreasure-bearers,andgot4,000 rupees.They cameacross twobullocks "ladenwith copperpice," andkilledthefourdriversandtookthemoney.Theremusthavebeenhalfatonofit.Ithinkittakesadoublehandfulofpicetomakeananna,and16annastomakearupee;andeveninthosedaystherupeewasworthonlyhalfadollar.Coming back over their tracks from Baroda, they had another picturesquestrokeof luck: "'TheLoharsofOodeypore'put a traveler in their charge forsafety."Dear,dear,across thisabyssmalgulfof timewestillseeFeringhea'slips uncover his teeth, and through the dim hazewe catch the incandescentglimmerofhissmile.Heacceptedthattrust,goodman;andsoweknowwhatwentwiththetraveler.EvenRajahshadnoterrorsforFeringhea;hecameacrossanelephant-driverbelongingtotheRajahofOodeyporeandpromptlystrangledhim."Atotalof100menand5womenmurderedonthisexpedition."Amongthereportsofexpeditionswefindmentionofvictimsofalmosteveryqualityandestate:Nativesoldiers.Fakeers.Mendicants.Holy-watercarriers.Carpenters.Peddlers.Tailors.Blacksmiths.Policemen(native).Pastrycooks.

Grooms.Meccapilgrims.Chuprassies.Treasure-bearers.Children.Cowherds.Gardeners.Shopkeepers.Palanquin-bearers.Farmers.Bullock-drivers.Maleservantsseekingwork.Womenservantsseekingwork.Shepherds.Archers.Table-waiters.Weavers.Priests.Bankers.Boatmen.Merchants.Grass-cutters.Alsoaprince'scook;andeventhewater-carrierofthatsublimelordoflordsand king of kings, theGovernor-General of India!How broad theywere intheirtastes!Theyalsomurderedactors—poorwanderingbarnstormers.Therearetwoinstancesrecorded;thefirstonebyagangofThugsunderachiefwhosoilsagreatnamebornebyabetterman—Kipling'sdeathless"Gungadin":"Aftermurdering4 sepoys,goingon toward Indore,met4 strollingplayers,andpersuadedthemtocomewithus,onthepretensethatwewouldseetheirperformanceatthenextstage.MurderedthematatemplenearBhopal."Secondinstance:"AtDeohuttee,joinedbycomedians.Murderedthemeastwardofthatplace."Butthisgangwasaparticularlybadcrew.Onthatexpeditiontheymurderedafakeerandtwelvebeggars.AndyetBhowaneeprotectedthem;foroncewhen

theywere strangling aman in awoodwhen a crowdwasgoingby close athandandthenooseslippedandthemanscreamed,Bhowaneemadeacamelburstoutatthesamemomentwitharoarthatdrownedthescream;andbeforethemancouldrepeatitthebreathwaschokedoutofhisbody.ThecowissosacredinIndiathattokillherkeeperisanawfulsacrilege,andeventheThugsrecognizedthis;yetnowandthenthe lustforbloodwastoostrong,andso theydidkilla fewcow-keepers. Inoneof these instances thewitnesswho killed the cowherd said, "InThuggee this is strictly forbidden,andisanactfromwhichnogoodcancome.Iwasillofafeverfortendaysafterward.Idobelievethatevilwillfollowthemurderofamanwithacow.Iftherebenocowitdoesnotsignify."AnotherThugsaidheheldthecowherd'sfeetwhilethiswitnessdidthestrangling.Hefeltnoconcern,"becausethebadfortuneofsuchadeedisuponthestranglerandnotupontheassistants;evenifthereshouldbeahundredofthem."There were thousands of Thugs roving over India constantly, during manygenerations.TheymadeThuggeeahereditaryvocationand taught it to theirsonsandtotheirson'ssons.Boyswereinfullmembershipasearlyas16yearsofage;veteranswerestillatworkat70.Whatwasthefascination,whatwastheimpulse?Apparently,itwaspartlypiety,largelygain,andthereisreasontosuspectthatthesportaffordedwasthechiefestfascinationofall.MeadowsTaylormakesaThuginoneofhisbooksclaimthatthepleasureofkillingmenwasthewhiteman'sbeast-huntinginstinctenlarged,refined,ennobled.Iwillquotethepassage:

CHAPTERXLVII.

Simplerulesforsavingmoney:Tosavehalf,whenyouarefiredbyaneagerimpulsetocontributetoacharity,wait,andcountforty.Tosavethree-quarters,countsixty.Tosaveitall,countsixty-five.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.TheThugsaid:"HowmanyofyouEnglish arepassionatelydevoted to sporting!Yourdaysandmonthsarepassedinitsexcitement.Atiger,apanther,abuffaloorahogrousesyourutmostenergiesforitsdestruction—youevenriskyourlivesinitspursuit.HowmuchhighergameisaThug's!"ThatmustreallybethesecretoftheriseanddevelopmentofThuggee.Thejoyofkilling!thejoyofseeingkillingdone—thesearetraitsofthehumanraceatlarge.WewhitepeoplearemerelymodifiedThugs;Thugsfrettingunder therestraintsofanotverythickskinofcivilization;Thugswholongagoenjoyed

theslaughteroftheRomanarena,andlatertheburningofdoubtfulChristiansbyauthenticChristiansinthepublicsquares,andwhonow,withtheThugsofSpainandNimes,flocktoenjoythebloodandmiseryofthebullring.Wehavenotouristsofeithersexoranyreligionwhoareabletoresist thedelightsofthebull-ringwhenopportunityoffers;andwearegentleThugsinthehunting-season,andlovetochaseatamerabbitandkillit.Still,wehavemadesomeprogress-microscopic, and in truth scarcelyworthmentioning, and certainlynothing to be proud of—still, it is progress: we no longer take pleasure inslaughteringorburninghelplessmen.WehavereachedalittlealtitudewherewemaylookdownupontheIndianThugswithacomplacentshudder;andwemayevenhopeforaday,manycenturieshence,whenourposteritywilllookdownuponusinthesameway.TherearemanyindicationsthattheThugoftenhuntedmenforthemeresportofit; thatthefrightandpainofthequarrywerenomoretohimthanarethefright and pain of the rabbit or the stag to us; and that he was no moreashamedofbeguilinghisgamewithdeceitsandabusingitstrustthanarewewhenwehaveimitatedawildanimal'scallandshotitwhenithonoreduswithitsconfidenceandcametoseewhatwewanted:"Madara, son of Nihal, and I, Ramzam, set out from Kotdee in the coldweather and followed the high road for about twenty days in search oftravelers,untilwecametoSelempore,wherewemetaveryoldmangoingtotheeast.Wewonhisconfidenceinthismanner:hecarriedaloadwhichwastooheavyforhisoldage;Isaidtohim,'Youareanoldman,Iwillaidyouincarrying your load, as you are frommy part of the country.' He said, 'Verywell,takemewithyou.'SowetookhimwithustoSelempore,wherewesleptthat night.Wewoke him nextmorning before dawn and set out, and at thedistance of three miles we seated him to rest while it was still very dark.Madarawasreadybehindhim,andstrangledhim.Heneverspokeaword.Hewasabout60or70yearsofage."Another gang fell inwith a couple of barbers and persuaded them to comealongintheircompanybypromisingthemthejobofshavingthewholecrew—30Thugs.Attheplaceappointedforthemurder15gotshaved,andactuallypaidthebarbersfortheirwork.Thenkilledthemandtookbackthemoney.Agangof forty-twoThugscameacross twoBrahminsanda shopkeeperonthe road, beguiled them into a grove and got up a concert for theirentertainment. While these poor fellows were listening to the music thestranglerswerestandingbehindthem;andatthepropermomentfordramaticeffecttheyappliedthenoose.Themostdevotedfishermanmusthaveabiteatleastasoftenasonceaweekorhispassionwillcoolandhewillputuphistackle.Thetiger-sportsmanmustfindatigeratleastonceafortnightorhewillgettiredandquit.Theelephant-

hunter'senthusiasmwillwasteawaylittlebylittle,andhiszealwillperishatlastifheplodaroundamonthwithoutfindingamemberofthatnoblefamilytoassassinate.Butwhenthelustinthehunter'sheartisforthenoblestofallquarries,man,how different is the case! and how watery and poor is the zeal and howchildish the endurance of those other hunters by comparison. Then, neitherhunger, nor thirst, nor fatigue, nor deferred hope, nor monotonousdisappointment, nor leaden-footed lapse of time can conquer the hunter'spatienceorweakenthejoyofhisquestorcoolthesplendidrageofhisdesire.Ofall thehunting-passions thatburn in thebreastofman, there isnone thatcan lift him superior to discouragements like these but the one—the royalsport, the supreme sport,whose quarry is his brother.By comparison, tiger-huntingisacolorlesspoorthing,forallithasbeensobraggedabout.Why,theThugwascontenttotramppatientlyalong,afoot,inthewastingheatofIndia,weekafterweek,atanaverageofnineortenmilesaday,ifhemightbuthope to findgame some timeorother and refreshhis longing soulwithblood.Hereisaninstance:"I(Ramzam)andHydersetout,forthepurposeofstranglingtravelers,fromGuddapore, and proceeded via the Fort of Julalabad, Newulgunge,Bangermow,onthebanksoftheGanges(upwardsof100miles),fromwhencewe returned by another route. Still no travelers! till we reachedBowaneegunge,wherewefellinwithatraveler,aboatman;weinveigledhimandabouttwomileseastofthereHyderstrangledhimashestood—forhewastroubledandafraid, andwouldnot sit.We thenmadea long journey (about130miles)andreachedHussunporeBundwa,whereatthetankwefellinwithatraveler—heslepttherethatnight;nextmorningwefollowedhimandtriedtowinhisconfidence;at thedistanceof twomilesweendeavored to inducehimtositdown—buthewouldnot,havingbecomeawareofus.Iattemptedtostranglehimashewalkedalong,butdidnotsucceed;bothofusthenfelluponhim,hemadeagreatoutcry,'Theyaremurderingme!'atlengthwestrangledhim and flung his body into a well. After this we returned to our homes,having been out amonth and traveled about 260miles.A total of twomenmurderedontheexpedition."And here is another case-related by the terrible Futty Khan, a man with atremendousrecord,tobere-mentionedbyandby:"I,withthreeothers,traveledforabout45daysadistanceofabout200milesinsearchofvictimsalongthehighwaytoBundwaandreturnedbyDavodpore(another 200 miles) during which journey we had only one murder, whichhappened in thismanner. Fourmiles to the east ofNoubustaghatwe fell inwith a traveler, an old man. I, with Koshal and Hyder, inveigled him andaccompaniedhimthatdaywithin3milesofRampoor,where,afterdark,ina

lonelyplace,wegothim to sitdownand rest; andwhile Ikepthim in talk,seatedbeforehim,Hyderbehindstrangledhim:hemadenoresistance.Koshalstabbedhimunder the armsand in the throat, andwe flung thebody into arunning stream. We got about 4 or 5 rupees each ($2 or $2.50). We thenproceededhomewards.Atotalofonemanmurderedonthisexpedition."There.Theytramped400miles,weregoneaboutthreemonths,andharvestedtwodollarsandahalfapiece.Butthemerepleasureofthehuntwassufficient.Thatwaspayenough.Theydidnogrumbling.Everynowand then in thisbigbookonecomesacross thatpathetic remark:"we tried togethim to sit downbuthewouldnot." It tells thewhole story.Someaccidenthadawakened thesuspicion inhim that these smooth friendswhohadbeenpettingandcoddlinghimandmakinghimfeelsosafeandsofortunateafterhisforlornandlonelywanderingswerethedreadedThugs;andnowtheirghastlyinvitationto"sitandrest"hadconfirmeditstruth.Heknewtherewasnohelpforhim,andthathewaslookinghislastuponearthlythings,but"hewouldnotsit."No,notthat—itwastooawfultothinkof!There are a number of instanceswhich indicate that when aman had oncetasted the regal joys of man-hunting he could not be content with the dullmonotonyofacrimelesslifeafterward.Example,fromaThug'stestimony:"We passed through to Kurnaul, where we found a former Thug namedJunooa, an old comrade of ours, who had turned religious mendicant andbecomeadiscipleandholy.Hecametousintheseraiandweepingwithjoyreturnedtohisoldtrade."Neither wealth nor honors nor dignities could satisfy a reformed Thug forlong. He would throw them all away, someday, and go back to the luridpleasuresofhuntingmen,andbeinghuntedhimselfbytheBritish.Ramzamwas taken into agreatnativegrandee's service andgivenauthorityoverfivevillages."Myauthorityextendedoverthesepeopletosummonsthemtomypresence,tomakethemstandorsit.Idressedwell,rodemypony,andhadtwosepoys,ascribeandavillageguardtoattendme.DuringthreeyearsIused topay eachvillage amonthlyvisit, andnoone suspected that Iwas aThug!Thechiefmanusedtowaitonmetotransactbusiness,andasIpassedalong,oldandyoungmadetheirsalaamtome."And yet during that very three years he got leave of absence "to attend awedding,"andinsteadwentoffonaThugginglarkwithsixotherThugsandhuntedthehighwayforfifteendays!—withsatisfactoryresults.Afterwards he held a great office under aRajah.There he had tenmiles ofcountryunderhiscommandandamilitaryguardoffifteenmen,withauthoritytocallout2,000moreuponoccasion.ButtheBritishgotonhistrack,andtheycrowdedhimsothathehadtogivehimselfup.Seewhatafigurehewaswhen

hewasgottenup for style andhad all his things on: "Iwas fully armed—asword,shield,pistols,amatchlockmusketandaflintgun, forIwasfondofbeing thus arrayed, and when so armed feared not though forty men stoodbeforeme."HegavehimselfupandproudlyproclaimedhimselfaThug.Thenbyrequesthe agreed to betray his friend and pal, Buhram, a Thug with the mosttremendous record in India. "Iwent to thehousewhereBuhramslept (oftenhasheledourgangs!)Iwokehim,heknewmewell,andcameoutsidetome.Itwasacoldnight,sounderpretenceofwarmingmyself,butinrealitytohavelightforhisseizurebytheguards,Ilightedsomestrawandmadeablaze.Wewerewarmingourhands.Theguardsdrewaroundus.Isaidtothem,'ThisisBuhram,'andhewasseizedjustasacatseizesamouse.ThenBuhramsaid,'IamaThug!my fatherwas aThug,mygrandfatherwas aThug, and I havethuggedwithmany!'"Sospokethemightyhunter,themightiestofthemighty,theGordonCummingofhisday.Notmuchregretnoticeableinit.—["Havingplantedabulletintheshoulder-bone of an elephant, and caused the agonized creature to lean forsupport against a tree, I proceeded to brew some coffee. Having refreshedmyself, taking observations of the elephant's spasms andwrithings betweenthe sips, I resolved to make experiments on vulnerable points, and,approachingverynear,Ifiredseveralbulletsatdifferentpartsofhisenormousskull. He only acknowledged the shots by a salaam-like movement of histrunk,with thepointofwhichhegently touched thewoundswitha strikingandpeculiaraction.SurprisedandshockedtofindthatIwasonlyprolongingthe suffering of the noble beast, which bore its trials with such dignifiedcomposure,Iresolvedtofinishtheproceedingwithallpossibledespatch,andaccordinglyopenedfireuponhimfromtheleftside.Aimingattheshoulder,Ifiredsixshotswiththetwo-groovedrifle,whichmusthaveeventuallyprovedmortal, after which I fired six shots at the same part with the Dutch six-founder.Large tearsnowtrickleddownfromhiseyes,whichheslowlyshutandopened,hiscolossalframeshiveredconvulsively,andfallingonhissideheexpired."—GordonCumming.]Somanymany times this Official Report leaves one's curiosity unsatisfied.For instance,here isa littleparagraphoutof the recordofacertainbandof193Thugs,whichhasthatdefect:"Fell inwithLall SingSubahdar and his family, consisting of nine persons.Traveledwith them twodays, and the thirdput themall todeathexcept thetwochildren,littleboysofoneandahalfyearsold."Thereitstops.Whatdidtheydowiththosepoorlittlefellows?Whatwastheirsubsequenthistory?DidtheypurposetrainingthemupasThugs?Howcouldtheytakecareofsuchlittlecreaturesonamarchwhichstretchedoverseveral

months?Nooneseems tohavecared toaskanyquestionsabout thebabies.ButIdowishIknew.One would be apt to imagine that the Thugs were utterly callous, utterlydestitute of human feelings, heartless toward their own families as well astowardotherpeople's;but thiswasnotso.LikeallotherIndians, theyhadapassionate love for their kin.A shrewdBritish officerwho knew the Indiancharacter, took that characteristic into account in laying his plans for thecaptureofEugeneSue'sfamousFeringhea.HefoundoutFeringhea'shiding-place,andsentaguardbynighttoseizehim,butthesquadwasawkwardandhegotaway.However,theygottherestofthefamily—themother,wife,child,andbrother—andbroughtthemtotheofficer,atJubbulpore;theofficerdidnotfret, but bided his time: "I knewFeringheawould not go farwhile links sodeartohimwereinmyhands."Hewasright.Feringheaknewallthedangerhewasrunningbystayingintheneighborhood,stillhecouldnottearhimselfaway.Theofficerfoundthathedividedhistimebetweenfivevillageswherebehad relatives and friendswhocouldgetnews forhim fromhis family inJubbulpore jail; and that he never slept two consecutive nights in the samevillage.Theofficer tracedout his several haunts, thenpouncedupon all thefivevillagesontheonenightandatthesamehour,andgothisman.Anotherexampleoffamilyaffection.AlittlewhilepreviouslytothecaptureofFeringhea'sfamily,theBritishofficerhadcapturedFeringhea'sfoster-brother,leaderofagangof ten,andhad tried theelevenandcondemned themtobehanged. Feringhea's captured family arrived at the jail the day before theexecution was to take place. The foster-brother, Jhurhoo, entreated to beallowed to see theagedmotherand theothers.Theprayerwasgranted,andthisiswhattookplace—itistheBritishofficerwhospeaks:"In themorning, just before going to the scaffold, the interview took placebeforeme.Hefellattheoldwoman'sfeetandbeggedthatshewouldrelievehimfromtheobligationsofthemilkwithwhichshehadnourishedhimfrominfancy,ashewasabouttodiebeforehecouldfulfillanyofthem.Sheplacedherhandsonhishead,andheknelt,andshesaidsheforgavehimall,andbidhimdielikeaman."Ifacapableartistshouldmakeapictureofit,itwouldbefullofdignityandsolemnity and pathos; and it could touch you. You would imagine it to beanything but what it was. There is reverence there, and tenderness, andgratefulness,andcompassion,andresignation,andfortitude,andself-respect—andno senseofdisgrace,no thoughtofdishonor.Everything is there thatgoes to make a noble parting, and give it a moving grace and beauty anddignity. And yet one of these people is a Thug and the other a mother ofThugs!Theincongruitiesofourhumannatureseemtoreachtheirlimithere.IwishtomakenoteofonecuriousthingwhileI thinkofit.Oneofthevery

commonestremarkstobefoundinthisbewilderingarrayofThugconfessionsisthis:"Strangledhimandthrewhiminawell!"Inonecasetheythrewsixteenintoawell—and theyhad thrownothers in the samewell before. Itmakes abodythirstytoreadaboutit.And there is another very curious thing. The bands of Thugs had privategraveyards.Theydidnot like tokillandburyatrandom,hereandthereandeverywhere.Theypreferredtowait,andtollthevictimsalong,andgettooneoftheirregularburying-places('bheels')iftheycould.InthelittlekingdomofOude,whichwasabouthalfasbigasIrelandandaboutasbigastheStateofMaine, theyhad twohundredandseventy-four 'bheels'.Theywere scatteredalongfourteenhundredmilesofroad,atanaverageofonlyfivemilesapart,andtheBritishgovernmenttracedoutandlocatedeachandeveryoneofthemandsetthemdownonthemap.TheOudebandsseldomwentoutoftheirowncountry,buttheydidathrivingbusiness within its borders. So did outside bandswho came in and helped.Some of the Thug leaders of Oude were noted for their successful careers.Eachoffourofthemconfessedtoabove300murders;anothertonearly400;ourfriendRamzamto604—heistheonewhogotleaveofabsencetoattendawedding and went thugging instead; and he is also the one who betrayedBuhramtotheBritish.Butthebiggestrecordsofallwerethemurder-listsofFuttyKhanandBuhram.FuttyKhan'snumber is smaller thanRamzam's,buthe isplacedat theheadbecausehisaverageisthebestinOude-Thughistoryperyearofservice.Hisslaughterwas508menintwentyyears,andhewasstillayoungmanwhentheBritish stoppedhis industry.Buhram's listwas931murders,but it tookhimfortyyears.Hisaveragewasonemanandnearlyallofanothermanpermonthforfortyyears,butFuttyKhan'saveragewastwomenandalittleofanothermanpermonthduringhistwentyyearsofusefulness.There is one very striking thingwhich Iwish to call attention to.You havesurmised from the listed callings followed by the victims of the Thugs thatnobodycouldtraveltheIndianroadsunprotectedandlivetogetthrough;thatthe Thugs respected no quality, no vocation, no religion, nobody; that theykilledeveryunarmedman thatcame in theirway.That iswholly true—withonereservation.InallthelongfileofThugconfessionsanEnglishtravelerismentionedbutonce—andthisiswhattheThugsaysofthecircumstance:"HewasonhiswayfromMhowtoBombay.Westudiouslyavoidedhim.Heproceeded next morning with a number of travelers who had sought hisprotection,andtheytooktheroadtoBaroda."Wedonotknowwhohewas;heflitsacross thepageof this rustyoldbook

anddisappearsintheobscuritybeyond;butheisanimpressivefigure,movingthrough thatvalleyofdeathsereneandunafraid,clothed in themightof theEnglishname.Wehavenowfollowedthebigofficialbookthrough,andweunderstandwhatThuggeewas,whatabloodyterroritwas,whatadesolatingscourgeitwas.In1830theEnglishfoundthiscancerousorganizationimbeddedinthevitalsofthe empire, doing its devastating work in secrecy, and assisted, protected,sheltered, and hidden by innumerable confederates—big and little nativechiefs,customsofficers,villageofficials,andnativepolice,allreadytolieforit, and themassof thepeople, through fear,persistentlypretending toknownothing about its doings; and this condition of things had existed forgenerations,andwasformidablewiththesanctionsofageandoldcustom.Ifever therewasanunpromising task, if ever therewasahopeless task in theworld, surely itwasofferedhere—the taskofconqueringThuggee.But thatlittlehandfulofEnglishofficials in India set their sturdyandconfidentgripupon it, and ripped it out, root and branch! How modest do CaptainVallancey'swords sound now,whenwe read them again, knowingwhatweknow:"Thedaythatsees thisfar-spreadevilcompletelyeradicatedfromIndia,andknownonlyinname,willgreatlytendtoimmortalizeBritishruleintheEast."Itwouldbehardtowordaclaimmoremodestlythanthatforthismostnoblework.

CHAPTERXLVIII.

Griefcantakecareofitself;buttogetthefullvalueofajoyyoumusthavesomebodytodivideitwith.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.WeleftBombayforAllahabadbyanighttrain.Itisthecustomofthecountrytoavoiddaytravelwhenitcanconvenientlybedone.Butthereisonetrouble:while you can seemingly "secure" the two lower berths by making earlyapplication, there is no ticket as witness of it, and no other producibleevidenceincaseyourproprietorshipshallchancetobechallenged.Theword"engaged"appearsonthewindow,butitdoesn'tstatewhothecompartmentisengaged, for. If your Satan and your Barney arrive before somebody else'sservants,andspreadthebeddingonthetwosofasandthenstandguardtillyoucome,allwillbewell;butif theystepasideonanerrand,theymayfindthebedspromotedtothetwoshelves,andsomebodyelse'sdemonsstandingguardovertheirmaster'sbeds,whichinthemeantimehavebeenspreaduponyour

sofas.You do not pay anything extra for your sleeping place; that is where thetroublelies.Ifyoubuyafare-ticketandfailtouseit,thereisroomthusmadeavailable for someone else; but if the place were secured to you it wouldremainvacant,andyetyourticketwouldsecureyouanotherplacewhenyouwerepresentlyreadytotravel.However,noexplanationofsuchasystemcanmakeitseemquiterationaltoapersonwho has been used to amore rational system. If our people had thearranging of it,we should charge extra for securing the place, and then theroadwouldsuffernolossifthepurchaserdidnotoccupyit.Thepresentsystemencouragesgoodmanners—andalsodiscouragesthem.Ifayounggirlhasalowerberthandanelderlyladycomesin,itisusualforthegirl toofferherplaceto this latecomer;andit isusualfor thelatecomertothankhercourteouslyandtakeit.Butthethinghappensdifferentlysometimes.Whenwewere ready to leaveBombaymydaughter's satchelswereholdingpossession of her berth—a lower one. At the last moment, a middle-agedAmerican lady swarmed into the compartment, followed by native portersladen with her baggage. She was growling and snarling and scolding, andtryingtomakeherselfphenomenallydisagreeable;andsucceeding.Withoutaword,shehoisted thesatchels into thehangingshelf,and tookpossessionofthatlowerberth.OnoneofourtripsMr.SmytheandIgotoutatastationtowalkupanddown,andwhenwecamebackSmythe'sbedwasinthehangingshelfandanEnglishcavalryofficerwasinbedonthesofawhichhehadlatelybeenoccupying.Itwasmeantobegladaboutit,butitisthewaywearemade;Icouldnothavebeengladderifithadbeenmyenemythathadsufferedthismisfortune.Weallliketoseepeopleintrouble,ifitdoesn'tcostusanything.IwassohappyoverMr.Smythe'schagrinthatIcouldn'tgotosleepforthinkingofitandenjoyingit.Iknewhesupposedtheofficerhadcommittedtherobberyhimself,whereaswithoutadoubt theofficer's servanthaddone itwithouthisknowledge.Mr.Smythekept this incidentwarm inhisheart, and longed for a chance togeteven with somebody for it. Sometime afterward the opportunity came, inCalcutta.Wewere leaving on a 24-hour journey toDarjeeling.Mr.Barclay,the general superintendent, has made special provision for ouraccommodation,Mr.Smythesaid;sotherewasnoneedtohurryaboutgettingtothetrain;consequently,wewerealittlelate.Whenwearrived,theusualimmenseturmoilandconfusionofagreatIndianstationwereinfullblast.Itwasanimmoderatelylongtrain,forallthenativesof India were going by it somewhither, and the native officials were beingpesteredtofrenzybybelatedandanxiouspeople.Theydidn'tknowwhereourcarwas,andcouldn'trememberhavingreceivedanyordersaboutit.Itwasa

deepdisappointment;moreover,itlookedasifourhalfofourpartywouldbeleft behind altogether. Then Satan came running and said he had found acompartmentwithoneshelfandonesofaunoccupied,andhadmadeourbedsandhadstowedourbaggage.Werushedtotheplace,andjustasthetrainwasreadytopulloutandtheporterswereslammingthedoorsto,alldowntheline,anofficerof the IndianCivilService,agood friendofours,puthishead inandsaid:—"Ihavebeenhuntingforyoueverywhere.Whatareyoudoinghere?Don'tyouknow——"Thetrainstartedbeforehecouldfinish.Mr.Smythe'sopportunitywascome.His bedding, on the shelf, at once changed places with the bedding—astranger's—thatwasoccupyingthesofathatwasoppositetomine.Aboutteno'clock we stopped somewhere, and a large Englishman of official militarybearingstepped in.Wepretended tobeasleep.The lampswerecovered,butthere was light enough for us to note his look of surprise. He stood there,grand and fine, peering down at Smythe, and wondering in silence at thesituation.Afterabithesaid:—"Well!"Andthatwasall.But that was enough. It was easy to understand. It meant: "This isextraordinary. This is high-handed. I haven't had an experience like thisbefore."Hesatdownonhisbaggage,andfortwentyminuteswewatchedhimthroughoureyelashes,rockingandswayingtheretothemotionofthetrain.Thenwecametoastation,andhegotupandwentout,muttering:"Imustfindalowerberth,orwaitover."Hisservantcamepresentlyandcarriedawayhisthings.Mr.Smythe'ssoreplacewashealed,hishungerforrevengewassatisfied.Buthe couldn't sleep, and neither could I; for thiswas a venerable old car, andnothingaboutitwastaut.Theclosetdoorslammedallnight,anddefiedeveryfasteningwecouldinvent.Wegotupverymuchjaded,atdawn,andsteppedout at a way station; and, while we were taking a cup of coffee, thatEnglishmanrangedupalongside,andsomebodysaidtohim:"Soyoudidn'tstopoff,afterall?""No.Theguardfoundaplaceformethathadbeenengagedandnotoccupied.I had awhole saloon car all tomyself—oh, quite palatial! I never had suchluckinmylife."Thatwasourcar,yousee.Wemovedintoit,straightoff, thefamilyandall.ButIaskedtheEnglishgentlemantoremain,andhedid.Apleasantman,aninfantrycolonel;anddoesn'tknow,yet,thatSmytherobbedhimofhisberth,but thinks itwasdonebySmythe'sservantwithoutSmythe'sknowledge.He

wasassistedingatheringthisimpression.The Indian trains are manned by natives exclusively. The Indian stationsexceptverylargeandimportantones—aremannedentirelybynatives,andsoare theposts and telegraphs.The rankand fileof thepolicearenatives.Allthesepeoplearepleasantandaccommodating.OnedayIleftanexpresstraintoloungeaboutinthatperenniallyravishingshow,theebbandflowandwhirlofgaudynatives,thatisalwayssurgingupanddownthespaciousplatformofagreatIndianstation;andIlostmyselfintheecstasyofit,andwhenIturned,the train was moving swiftly away. I was going to sit down and wait foranother train, as Iwouldhavedone at home; I hadno thought of anyothercourse.Butanativeofficial,whohadagreenflag inhishand,sawme,andsaidpolitely:"Don'tyoubelonginthetrain,sir?""Yes."Isaid.Hewavedhis flag, and the train cameback!AndheputmeaboardwithasmuchceremonyasifIhadbeentheGeneralSuperintendent.Theyarekindlypeople,thenatives.ThefaceandthebearingthatindicateasurlyspiritandabadheartseemedtometobesorareamongIndians—sonearlynon-existent,in fact—that I sometimes wondered if Thuggee wasn't a dream, and not areality.Thebadhearts are there, but I believe that they are in a small, poorminority.Onethingissure:Theyaremuchthemostinterestingpeopleintheworld—andthenearesttobeingincomprehensible.Atanyrate,thehardesttoaccountfor.Theircharacterandtheirhistory,theircustomsandtheirreligion,confront you with riddles at every turn-riddles which are a trifle moreperplexing after they are explained than they were before. You can get thefactsofacustom—likecaste,andSuttee,andThuggee,andsoon—andwiththe facts a theory which tries to explain, but never quite does it to yoursatisfaction.Youcanneverquiteunderstandhowsostrangeathingcouldhavebeenborn,norwhy.Forinstance—theSuttee.Thisistheexplanationofit:Awomanwhothrowsawayherlifewhenherhusbanddiesisinstantlyjoinedtohimagain,andisforeverafterwardhappywithhiminheaven;herfamilywill build a littlemonument toher, or a temple, andwill holdher inhonor,and, indeed, worship her memory always; they will themselves be held inhonor by the public; the woman's self-sacrifice has conferred a noble andlastingdistinctionuponherposterity.And,besides,seewhatshehasescaped:If she had elected to live, she would be a disgraced person; she could notremarry; her family would despise her and disown her; she would be afriendlessoutcast,andmiserableallherdays.Verywell,yousay,but theexplanation isnotcompleteyet.Howdidpeople

come to drift into such a strange custom?Whatwas the origin of the idea?"Well, nobodyknows; itwasprobably a revelation sentdownby thegods."Onemorething:Whywassuchacrueldeathchosen—whywouldn'tagentleonehaveanswered?"Nobodyknows;maybethatwasarevelation,too."No—you can never understand it. It all seems impossible. You resolve tobelieve that a widow never burnt herself willingly, but went to her deathbecause shewasafraid todefypublicopinion.Butyouarenotable tokeepthatposition.Historydrivesyoufromit.MajorSleemanhasaconvincingcasein one of his books. In his government on the Nerbudda he made a braveattemptonthe28thofMarch,1828,toputdownSutteeonhisownhookandwithoutwarrantfromtheSupremeGovernmentofIndia.Hecouldnotforeseethat the Government would put it down itself eight months later. The onlybackinghehadwas a bold nature and a compassionate heart.He issuedhisproclamationabolishingtheSutteeinhisdistrict.OnthemorningofTuesday—note the day of theweek—the 24th of the followingNovember, UmmedSingh Upadhya, head of the most respectable and most extensive Brahminfamily in thedistrict, died, andpresently cameadeputationof his sons andgrandsonstobegthathisoldwidowmightbeallowedtoburnherselfuponhispyre.Sleeman threatened to enforcehis order, andpunish severely anymanwhoassisted;andheplacedapoliceguardtoseethatnoonedidso.Fromtheearlymorningtheoldwidowofsixty-fivehadbeensittingonthebankofthesacred riverbyherdead,waiting through the longhours for thepermission;andatlasttherefusalcameinstead.InonelittlesentenceSleemangivesyouapathetic picture of this lonely old gray figure: all day and all night "sheremainedsittingbytheedgeofthewaterwithouteatingordrinking."Thenextmorningthebodyofthehusbandwasburnedtoashesinapiteightfeetsquareandthreeorfourfeetdeep, in theviewofseveral thousandspectators.Thenthewidowwadedouttoabarerockintheriver,andeverybodywentawaybuthersonsandotherrelations.Alldayshesat thereonherrock in theblazingsunwithoutfoodordrink,andwithnoclothingbutasheetoverhershoulders.Therelativesremainedwithherandalltriedtopersuadehertodesistfromherpurpose, for they deeply loved her. She steadily refused.Then a part of thefamilywenttoSleeman'shouse,tenmilesaway,andtriedagaintogethimtoletherburnherself.Herefused,hopingtosaveheryet.Allthatdayshescorchedinhersheetontherock,andallthatnightshekepther vigil there in the bitter cold. Thursday morning, in the sight of herrelatives, shewent through a ceremonialwhich saidmore to them than anywordscouldhavedone;sheputonthedhaja(acoarseredturban)andbrokeherbraceletsinpieces.Bytheseactsshebecameadeadpersonintheeyeofthe law, and excluded from her caste forever. By the iron rule of ancientcustom,ifsheshouldnowchoosetoliveshecouldneverreturntoherfamily.

Sleemanwasindeeptrouble.Ifshestarvedherselftodeathherfamilywouldbedisgraced;and,moreover,starvingwouldbeamorelingeringmiserythanthedeathby fire.Hewentback in the evening thoroughlyworried.Theoldwomanremainedonherrock,andthereinthemorninghefoundherwithherdhaja still onherhead. "She talkedverycollectedly, tellingme that shehaddeterminedtomixherasheswith thoseofherdepartedhusband,andshouldpatientlywaitmypermissiontodoso,assuredthatGodwouldenablehertosustainlife till thatwasgiven, thoughshedarednoteatordrink.Lookingatthesun,thenrisingbeforeheroveralongandbeautifulreachoftheriver,shesaidcalmly,'Mysoulhasbeenforfivedayswithmyhusband'snearthatsun;nothingbutmyearthlyframeisleft;andthis,Iknow,youwillintimesuffertobemixedwithhisashesinyonderpit,becauseitisnotinyournatureorusagewantonlytoprolongthemiseriesofapooroldwoman.'"Heassuredherthatitwashisdesireanddutytosaveher,andtourgehertolive,andtokeepherfamilyfromthedisgraceofbeingthoughthermurderers.Butshesaidshe"wasnotafraidof theirbeing thoughtso; that theyhadall,likegoodchildren,doneeverythingintheirpowertoinducehertolive,andtoabidewith them;and if I shouldconsent Iknow theywould loveandhonorme,butmyduties to themhavenowended. Icommit themall toyourcare,andIgotoattendmyhusband,UmmedSinghUpadhya,withwhoseashesonthefuneralpileminehavebeenalreadythreetimesmixed."Shebelieved that sheandhehadbeenupon theearth three several timesaswifeandhusband,andthatshehadburnedherself todeaththreetimesuponhis pyre. That iswhy she said that strange thing. Since she had broken herbraceletsandputontheredturbansheregardedherselfasacorpse;otherwiseshe would not have allowed herself to do her husband the irreverence ofpronouncinghisname. "Thiswas the first time inher long life that shehadever uttered her husband's name, for in India nowoman, high or low, everpronouncesthenameofherhusband."MajorSleemanstilltriedtoshakeherpurpose.Hepromisedtobuildherafinehouseamongthetemplesofherancestorsuponthebankoftheriverandmakehandsomeprovisionforheroutofrent-freelandsifshewouldconsenttolive;andifshewouldn'thewouldallownostoneorbrick toevermark theplacewhereshedied.Butsheonlysmiledandsaid,"Mypulsehas longceased tobeat,myspirithasdeparted;Ishallsuffernothingintheburning;andifyouwish proof, order some fire and you shall see this arm consumed withoutgivingmeanypain."Sleemanwasnowsatisfiedthathecouldnotalterherpurpose.Hesentforallthechiefmembersofthefamilyandsaidhewouldsufferhertoburnherselfifthey would enter into a written engagement to abandon the suttee in theirfamilythenceforth.Theyagreed;thepapersweredrawnoutandsigned,andat

noon, Saturday,wordwas sent to the poor oldwoman. She seemed greatlypleased. The ceremonies of bathing were gone through with, and by threeo'clockshewasreadyandthefirewasbrisklyburninginthepit.Shehadnowgonewithoutfoodordrinkduringmorethanfourdaysandahalf.Shecameashorefromherrock,firstwettinghersheetinthewatersofthesacredriver,for without that safeguard any shadow which might fall upon her wouldconvey impurity toher; then shewalked to thepit, leaningupononeofhersonsandanephew—thedistancewasahundredandfiftyyards."Ihadsentriesplacedallaround,andnootherpersonwasallowedtoapproachwithinfivepaces.Shecameonwithacalmandcheerfulcountenance,stoppedonce,andcastinghereyesupwards,said, 'Whyhave theykeptmefivedaysfromthee,myhusband?'Oncomingtothesentrieshersupportersstoppedandremainedstanding;shemovedon,andwalkedoncearoundthepit,pausedamoment,andwhilemutteringaprayer,threwsomeflowersintothefire.Shethenwalkedupdeliberatelyandsteadilytothebrink,steppedintothecentreoftheflame,satdown,andleaningbackinthemidstasifreposinguponacouch,wasconsumedwithoututteringashriekorbetrayingonesignofagony."It is fine and beautiful. It compels one's reverence and respect—no, has itfreely,andwithoutcompulsion.Weseehow thecustom,oncestarted,couldcontinue,forthesoulofitisthatstupendouspower,Faith;faithbroughttothepitch of effectiveness by the cumulative force of example and long use andcustom; butwe cannot understand how the firstwidows came to take to it.Thatisaperplexingdetail.Sleemansaysthatitwasusualtoplaymusicat thesuttee,butthat thewhiteman'snotionthat thiswastodrownthescreamsofthemartyr isnotcorrect;that it had a quite different purpose. It was believed that the martyr diedprophecying; that the prophecies sometimes foretold disaster, and it wasconsideredakindness to thoseuponwhomitwas to fall todrown thevoiceandkeeptheminignoranceofthemisfortunethatwastocome.

CHAPTERXLIX.

Hehadhadmuch experience of physicians, and said "the onlyway to keepyourhealth is toeatwhatyoudon'twant,drinkwhatyoudon't like,anddowhatyou'ddruthernot."—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.It was a long journey—two nights, one day, and part of another day, fromBombayeastwardtoAllahabad;butitwasalwaysinteresting,anditwasnotfatiguing.At first the night travel promised to be fatiguing, but thatwas on

account of pyjamas.This foolish night-dress consists of jacket and drawers.Sometimestheyaremadeofsilk,sometimesofaraspy,scratchy,slazywoolenmaterialwithasandpapersurface.Thedrawersarelooseelephant-leggedandelephant-waisted things, and insteadofbuttoningaround thebody there is adrawstring to produce the required shrinkage. The jacket is roomy, and onebuttonsitinfront.Pyjamasarehotonahotnightandcoldonacoldnight—defectswhichanightshirtisfreefrom.Itriedthepyjamasinordertobeinthefashion;butIwasobligedtogivethemup,Icouldn'tstandthem.Therewasnosufficientchangefromday-geartonight-gear.Imissedtherefreshingandluxurioussense,inducedbythenight-gown,ofbeingundressed,emancipated,set free from restraints and trammels. In place of that, I had the worried,confined,oppressed, suffocatedsenseofbeingabedwithmyclotheson.Allthrough thewarmhalfof thenight thecoarse surfaces irritatedmyskinandmade it feel baked and feverish, and the dreams which came in the fitfulflurriesofslumberweresuchasdistressthesleepofthedamned,oroughtto;andall through thecoldotherhalfof thenight Icouldgetno timeforsleepbecauseIhadtoemployitallinstealingblankets.Butblanketsareofnovalueatsuchatime;thehighertheyarepiledthemoreeffectivelytheycorkthecoldinandkeep it fromgettingout.The result is thatyour legsare ice,andyouknowhowyouwill feelbyandbywhenyouareburied.InasaneintervalIdiscardedthepyjamas,andledarationalandcomfortablelifethenceforth.Out in thecountry in India, thedaybeginsearly.Oneseesaplain,perfectlyflat,dust-coloredandbrick-yardy,stretchinglimitlesslyawayoneverysideinthedimgraylight,stripedeverywherewithhard-beatennarrowpaths,thevastflatnessbrokenatwideintervalsbybunchesofspectraltreesthatmarkwherevillagesare;andalongallthepathsareslenderwomenandtheblackformsoflankynakedmenmoving,totheirwork, thewomenwithbrasswater-jarsontheir heads, the men carrying hoes. The man is not entirely naked; alwaysthereisabitofwhiterag,aloin-cloth;itamountstoabandage,andisawhiteaccentonhisblackperson, like thesilverbandaroundthemiddleofapipe-stem.Sometimeshealsowearsafluffyandvoluminouswhiteturban,andthisaddsasecondaccent.He thenanswersproperly toMissGordonCumming'sflash-light picture of him—as a person who is dressed in "a turban and apockethandkerchief."Alldaylongonehasthismonotonyofdust-coloreddeadlevelsandscatteringbunchesoftreesandmudvillages.YousoonrealizethatIndiaisnotbeautiful;stillthereisanenchantmentaboutitthatisbeguiling,andwhichdoesnotpall.Youcannottelljustwhatitisthatmakesthespell,perhaps,butyoufeelitandconfessit,nevertheless.Ofcourse,atbottom,youknowinavaguewaythatitishistory;itisthatthataffectsyou,ahauntingsenseofthemyriadsofhumanlives that have blossomed, and withered, and perished here, repeating andrepeating and repeating, century after century, and age after age, the barren

andmeaninglessprocess; it is this sense thatgives to this forlorn,uncomelylandpowertospeaktothespiritandmakefriendswithit;tospeaktoitwithavoicebitterwithsatire,buteloquentwithmelancholy.ThedesertsofAustraliaandtheice-barrensofGreenlandhavenospeech,fortheyhavenovenerablehistory;withnothingtotellofmanandhisvanities,hisfleetinggloriesandhismiseries,theyhavenothingwherewithtospiritualizetheiruglinessandveilitwithacharm.There is nothing pretty about an Indian village—amud one—and I do notrememberthatwesawanybutmudonesonthatlongflighttoAllahabad.Itisalittlebunchofdirt-coloredmudhovelsjammedtogetherwithinamudwall.Asarule,therainshadbeatendownpartsofsomeofthehouses,andthisgavethevillagetheaspectofamoulderingandhoaryruin.Ibelievethecattleandtheverminliveinsidethewall;forIsawcattlecomingoutandcattlegoingin;and whenever I saw a villager, he was scratching. This last is onlycircumstantial evidence, but I think it has value. The village has a batteredlittle templeor two,bigenough toholdan idol, andwithcustomenough tofat-up a priest and keep him comfortable. Where there are Mohammedanstherearegenerallyafewsorrytombsoutsidethevillagethathaveadecayedandneglectedlook.ThevillagesinterestedmebecauseofthingswhichMajorSleeman says about them in his books—particularlywhat he says about thedivisionoflaborinthem.HesaysthatthewholefaceofIndiaisparceledoutinto estates of villages; that nine-tenths of the vast population of the landconsist of cultivators of the soil; that it is these cultivatorswho inhabit thevillages; that therearecertain"established"villageservants—mechanicsandothers who are apparently paid a wage by the village at large, and whosecallings remain in certain families and are handeddown from father to son,likeanestate.Hegivesalistoftheseestablishedservants:Priest,blacksmith,carpenter, accountant, washerman, basketmaker, potter, watchman, barber,shoemaker, brazier, confectioner, weaver, dyer, etc. In his day witchesabounded,and itwasnot thoughtgoodbusinesswisdomforamantomarryhisdaughterintoafamilythathadn'tawitchinit,forshewouldneedawitchon the premises to protect her children from the evil spells which wouldcertainly be cast upon them by thewitches connectedwith the neighboringfamilies.The office of midwife was hereditary in the family of the basket-maker. Itbelonged to hiswife. Shemight not be competent, but the officewas hers,anyway.Herpaywasnothigh—25centsforaboy,andhalfasmuchforagirl.Thegirlwasnotdesired,becauseshewouldbeadisastrousexpensebyandby. As soon as she should be old enough to begin to wear clothes forpropriety'ssake,itwouldbeadisgracetothefamilyifshewerenotmarried;and tomarry hermeant financial ruin; for by custom the fathermust spenduponfeastingandwedding-displayeverythinghehadandallhecouldborrow

—infact,reducehimselftoaconditionofpovertywhichhemightnevermorerecoverfrom.Itwasthedreadofthisprospectiveruinwhichmadethekillingofgirl-babiessoprevalentinIndiaintheolddaysbeforeEnglandlaidtheironhandofherprohibitionsuponthepiteousslaughter.Onemayjudgeofhowprevalentthecustomwas,byoneofSleeman'scasualelectricalremarks,whenhespeaksofchildrenatplayinvillages—wheregirl-voiceswereneverheard!Thewedding-displayfollyisstillinfullforceinIndia,andbyconsequencethedestructionofgirl-babiesisstillfurtivelypracticed;butnotlargely,becauseofthevigilanceofthegovernmentandthesternnessofthepenaltiesitlevies.In some parts of India the village keeps in its pay three other servants: anastrologertotellthevillagerwhenhemayplanthiscrop,ormakeajourney,ormarryawife,orstrangleachild,orborrowadog,orclimbatree,orcatcharat,orswindleaneighbor,withoutoffendingthealertandsolicitousheavens;andwhathisdreammeans, if hehashadone andwasnotbright enough tointerpret it himself by the details of his dinner; the two other establishedservantswerethetiger-persuaderandthehailstormdiscourager.Theonekeptawaythetigersifhecould,andcollectedthewagesanyway,andtheotherkeptoff the hailstorms, or explained why he failed. He charged the same forexplaininga failure thathedidforscoringasuccess.Aman isan idiotwhocan'tearnalivinginIndia.Major Sleeman reveals the fact that the trade union and the boycott areantiquitiesinIndia.Indiaseemstohaveoriginatedeverything.The"sweeper"belongs to the bottom caste; he is the lowest of the low—all other castesdespisehimandscornhisoffice.Butthatdoesnottroublehim.Hiscasteisacaste, and that is sufficient for him, and so he is proud of it, not ashamed.Sleemansays:"It is perhaps not known tomany ofmy countrymen, even in India, that ineverytownandcityinthecountrytherightofsweepingthehousesandstreetsis a monopoly, and is supported entirely by the pride of castes among thescavengers,who are all of the lowest class. The right of sweepingwithin acertainrangeisrecognizedbythecastetobelongtoacertainmember;andifanyothermemberpresumestosweepwithinthatrange,heisexcommunicated—noothermemberwillsmokeoutofhispipeordrinkoutofhisjug;andhecangetrestoredtocasteonlybyafeasttothewholebodyofsweepers.Ifanyhousekeeperwithin aparticular circlehappens tooffend the sweeperof thatrange,noneofhisfilthwillberemovedtillhepacifieshim,becausenoothersweeper will dare to touch it; and the people of a town are often moretyrannizedoverbythesepeoplethanbyanyother."AfootnotebyMajorSleeman'seditor,Mr.VincentArthurSmith,saysthatin

our day this tyranny of the sweepers' guild is one of the many difficultieswhichbartheprogressofIndiansanitaryreform.Thinkofthis:"Thesweeperscannotbe readilycoerced,becausenoHindooorMussulmanwoulddotheirworktosavehislife,norwillhepollutehimselfbybeatingtherefractoryscavenger."Theycertainlydoseemtohavethewhip-hand;itwouldbedifficulttoimagineamore impregnableposition. "Thevested rightsdescribed in the text are sofully recognized in practice that they are frequently the subject of sale ormortgage."Justlikeamilk-route;orlikeaLondoncrossing-sweepership.ItissaidthattheLondoncrossing-sweeper'srighttohiscrossingisrecognizedbytherestoftheguild;thattheyprotecthiminitspossession;thatcertainchoicecrossingsarevaluableproperty,andaresaleableathighfigures.Ihavenoticedthatthemanwho sweeps in front of the Army and Navy Stores has a wealthy SouthAfrican aristocratic style about him; and when he is off his guard, he hasexactlythatlookonhisfacewhichyoualwaysseeinthefaceofamanwhoissavinguphisdaughtertomarryhertoaduke.It appears from Sleeman that in India the occupation of elephant-driver isconfined to Mohammedans. I wonder why that is. The water-carrier('bheestie')isaMohammedan,butitissaidthatthereasonofthatis,thattheHindoo'sreligiondoesnotallowhimtotouchtheskinofdeadkine,andthatiswhatthewater-sackismadeof;itwoulddefilehim.Anditdoesn'tallowhimtoeatmeat;theanimalthatfurnishedthemeatwasmurdered,andtotakeanycreature'slifeisasin.Itisagoodandgentlereligion,butinconvenient.AgreatIndianriver,atlowwater,suggeststhefamiliaranatomicalpictureofaskinnedhumanbody,theintricatemeshofinterwovenmusclesandtendonstostand forwater-channels, and the archipelagoes of fat and flesh inclosed bythemtostandforthesandbars.Somewhereonthisjourneywepassedsuchariver, andona later journeywesaw in theSutlej theduplicateof that river.Curious rivers they are; low shores a dizzy distance apart, with nothingbetween but an enormous acreage of sand-flats with sluggish little veins ofwaterdribblingaroundamongst them;Saharasof sand, smallpox-pittedwithfootprintspuncturedinbeltsasstraightastheequatorclearfromtheoneshoreto the other (barring the channel-interruptions)—a dry-shod ferry, you see.Longrailwaybridgesarerequiredfor thissortofrivers,andIndiahas them.YouapproachAllahabadbyaverylongone.ItwasnowcarryingusacrossthebedoftheJumna,abedwhichdidnotseemtohavebeensleptinforonewhileormore.Itwasn'tallriver-bed—mostofitwasoverflowground.Allahabadmeans "City of God." I get this from the books. From a printedcuriosity—a letter written by one of those brave and confident Hindoo

strugglerswiththeEnglishtongue,calleda"babu"—Igotamorecompressedtranslation:"Godville."Itisperfectlycorrect,butthatisthemostthatcanbesaidforit.We arrived in the forenoon, and short-handed; for Satan got left behindsomewhere that morning, and did not overtake us until after nightfall. Itseemedverypeacefulwithouthim.Theworldseemedasleepanddreaming.Ididnotseethenativetown,Ithink.Idonotrememberwhy;foranincidentconnects it with the Great Mutiny, and that is enough to make any placeinteresting.ButIsawtheEnglishpartofthecity.Itisatownofwideavenuesand noble distances, and is comely and alluring, and full of suggestions ofcomfortandleisure,andoftheserenitywhichagoodconsciencebuttressedbyasufficientbankaccountgives.Thebungalows(dwellings)standwellbackinthe seclusion and privacy of large enclosed compounds (private grounds, asweshould say)and in the shadeandshelterof trees.Even thephotographerandtheprosperousmerchantplytheirindustriesintheelegantreserveofbigcompounds,andthecitizensdriveinthereupontheirbusinessoccasions.Andnotincabs—no;intheIndiancitiescabsareforthedriftingstranger;all thewhitecitizenshaveprivatecarriages;andeachcarriagehasaflockofwhite-turbanedblack footmenanddriversallover it.Thevicinityofa lecture-halllookslikeasnowstorm,—andmakesthelecturerfeellikeanopera.Indiahasmany names, and they are correctly descriptive. It is the Land ofContradictions,theLandofSubtletyandSuperstition,theLandofWealthandPoverty,theLandofSplendorandDesolation,theLandofPlagueandFamine,theLandof theThugandthePoisoner,andof theMeekandthePatient, theLandoftheSuttee,theLandoftheUnreinstatableWidow,theLandwhereAllLife isHoly, theLandofCremation, theLandwhere theVulture isaGraveand aMonument, the Land of theMultitudinous Gods; and if signs go foranything,itistheLandofthePrivateCarriage.InBombaytheforewomanofamillineryshopcametothehotelinherprivatecarriagetotakethemeasureforagown—notforme,butforanother.ShehadcomeouttoIndiatomakeatemporarystay,butwasextendingitindefinitely;indeed,shewaspurposingtoendherdaysthere.InLondon,shesaid,herworkhad been hard, her hours long; for economy's sake she had had to live inshabby rooms and far away from the shop,watch the pennies, deny herselfmany of the common comforts of life, restrict herself in effect to its barenecessities,eschewcabs, travel third-classbyunderground train toand fromher work, swallowing coal-smoke and cinders all the way, and sometimestroubledwiththesocietyofmenandwomenwhowerelessdesirablethanthesmoke and the cinders. But in Bombay, on almost any kind of wages, shecouldliveincomfort,andkeephercarriage,andhavesixservantsinplaceofthewoman-of-all-workshehadhadinherEnglishhome.Later,inCalcutta,I

found that theStandardOil clerks had small one-horsevehicles, anddidnowalking;andIwastoldthattheclerksoftheotherlargeconcernstherehadthelikeequipment.ButtoreturntoAllahabad.I was up at dawn, the nextmorning. In India the tourist's servant does notsleepinaroominthehotel,butrollshimselfupheadandearsinhisblanketandstretcheshimselfontheveranda,acrossthefrontofhismaster'sdoor,andspends the night there. I don't believe anybody's servant occupies a room.Apparently,thebungalowservantssleepontheveranda;itisroomy,andgoesall around thehouse. I speakofmenservants; I sawnoneof theother sex. Ithinktherearenone,exceptchild-nurses.Iwasupatdawn,andwalkedaroundtheveranda,pasttherowsofsleepers.InfrontofonedooraHindooservantwassquatting,waitingforhismastertocallhim.Hehadpolishedtheyellowshoesandplacedthembythedoor,andnowhehadnothingtodobutwait.Itwasfreezingcold,buttherehewas,asmotionlessasasculpturedimage,andaspatient.Ittroubledme.Iwantedtosaytohim,"Don'tcrouchtherelikethatandfreeze;nobodyrequiresitofyou;stiraroundandgetwarm."ButIhadn'tthewords.I thought of saying 'jeldy jow', but I couldn't rememberwhat itmeant, so Ididn'tsayit.Iknewanotherphrase,butitwouldn'tcometomymind.Imovedon,purposingtodismisshimfrommythoughts,buthisbarelegsandbarefeetkept him there. They kept drawingme back from the sunny side to a pointwhenceIcouldseehim.Attheendofanhourhehadnotchangedhisattitudeintheleastdegree.Itwasacuriousandimpressiveexhibitionofmeeknessandpatience,orfortitudeorindifference,Ididnotknowwhich.Butitworriedme,and it was spoiling my morning. In fact, it spoiled two hours of it quitethoroughly.Iquittedthisvicinity,then,andlefthimtopunishhimselfasmuchashemightwantto.Butuptothattimethemanhadnotchangedhisattitudeahair.Hewillalwaysremainwithme,Isuppose;hisfigurenevergrowsvagueinmymemory.WheneverIreadofIndianresignation,Indianpatienceunderwrongs, hardships, and misfortunes, he comes before me. He becomes apersonification,andstands for India in trouble.Andforuntoldages India introublehasbeenpursuedwiththeveryremarkwhichIwasgoingtoutterbutdidn't, because its meaning had slipped me: "Jeldy jow!" ("Come, shovealong!")Why,itwastheverything.IntheearlybrightnesswemadealongdriveouttotheFort.Partofthewaywasbeautiful. It ledunder stately treesand throughgroupsofnativehousesandbytheusualvillagewell,wherethepicturesquegangsarealwaysflockingto and fro and laughing and chattering; and this time brawny men weredeluging theirbronzebodieswith the limpidwater, andmakinga refreshingandenticingshowofit;enticing,forthesunwasalreadytransactingbusiness,

firingIndiaupfortheday.Therewasplentyofthisearlybathinggoingon,foritwasgettingtowardbreakfasttime,andwithanunpurifiedbodytheHindoomustnoteat.Thenwestruckintothehotplain,andfoundtheroadscrowdedwithpilgrimsofbothsexes,foroneofthegreatreligiousfairsofIndiawasbeingheld,justbeyond the Fort, at the junction of the sacred rivers, the Ganges and theJumna.Threesacredrivers,Ishouldhavesaid,forthereisasubterraneanone.Nobodyhasseenit,butthatdoesn'tsignify.Thefactthatitisthereisenough.ThesepilgrimshadcomefromalloverIndia;someofthemhadbeenmonthsontheway,ploddingpatientlyalongintheheatanddust,worn,poor,hungry,but supported and sustained by an unwavering faith and belief; they weresupremely happy and content, now; their full and sufficient reward was athand;theyweregoingtobecleansedfromeveryvestigeofsinandcorruptionby these holywaterswhichmake utterly purewhatsoever thing they touch,even thedeadand rotten. It iswonderful, thepowerofa faith like that, thatcanmakemultitudesuponmultitudesoftheoldandweakandtheyoungandfrailenterwithouthesitationorcomplaintuponsuchincredible journeysandenduretheresultantmiserieswithoutrepining.Itisdoneinlove,oritisdoneinfear;Idonotknowwhichitis.Nomatterwhattheimpulseis,theactbornofitisbeyondimaginationmarveloustoourkindofpeople,thecoldwhites.Therearechoicegreatnaturesamongus thatcouldexhibit theequivalentofthis prodigious self-sacrifice, but the rest of us know thatwe should not beequal to anything approaching it. Still, we all talk self-sacrifice, and thismakesmehopethatwearelargeenoughtohonoritintheHindoo.Twomillionsofnativesarriveatthisfaireveryyear.Howmanystart,anddieon the road, from age and fatigue and disease and scanty nourishment, andhowmanydieonthereturn,fromthesamecauses,nooneknows;butthetaleis great, onemay say enormous. Every twelfth year is held to be a year ofpeculiar grace; a greatly augmented volume of pilgrims results then. Thetwelfthyearhasheld thisdistinctionsincetheremotest times, it issaid.It issaidalsothatthereistobebutonemoretwelfthyear—fortheGanges.Afterthat, that holiest of all sacred rivers will cease to be holy, and will beabandonedbythepilgrimformanycenturies;howmany,thewisemenhavenotstated.Attheendofthatintervalitwillbecomeholyagain.Meantime,thedatawillbearrangedbythosepeoplewhohavechargeofallsuchmatters,thegreatchiefBrahmins.Itwillbelikeshuttingdownamint.Atafirstglanceitlooks most unbrahminically uncommercial, but I am not disturbed, beingsoothedandtranquilizedbytheirreputation."Brerfoxhelaylow,"asUncleRemussays;andatthejudicioustimehewillspringsomethingontheIndianpublicwhichwill show thathewasnot financially asleepwhenhe took theGangesoutofthemarket.

Greatnumbersofthenativesalongtheroadswerebringingawayholywaterfromtherivers.TheywouldcarryitfarandwideinIndiaandsellit.Tavernier,theFrench traveler (17thcentury),notes thatGangeswater isoftengivenatweddings,"eachguestreceivingacuportwo,accordingtotheliberalityofthehost;sometimes2,000or3,000rupees'worthofitisconsumedatawedding."TheFortisahugeoldstructure,andhashadalargeexperienceinreligions.Initsgreatcourtstandsamonolithwhichwasplacedtheremorethan2,000yearsago to preach (Budhism) by its pious inscription; the Fort was built threecenturiesagobyaMohammedanEmperor—aresanctificationoftheplaceintheinterestofthatreligion.ThereisaHindootemple,too,withsubterraneanramificationsstockedwithshrinesandidols;andnowtheFortbelongstotheEnglish,itcontainsaChristianChurch.Insuredinallthecompanies.Fromtheloftyrampartsonehasafineviewofthesacredrivers.Theyjoinatthat point—the pale blue Jumna, apparently clean and clear, and themuddyGanges,dullyellowandnotclean.Onalongcurvedspitbetweentherivers,towns of tents were visible, with a multitude of fluttering pennons, and amightyswarmofpilgrims.Itwasatroublesomeplacetogetdownto,andnotaquietplacewhenyouarrived;but itwas interesting.Therewasaworldofactivity and turmoil and noise, partly religious, partly commercial; for theMohammedansweretheretocurseandsell,andtheHindoostobuyandpray.It isa fairaswellasa religiousfestival.Crowdswerebathing,praying,anddrinkingthepurifyingwaters,andmanysickpilgrimshadcomelongjourneysinpalanquinstobehealedoftheirmaladiesbyabath;orifthatmightnotbe,then to die on the blessed banks and so make sure of heaven. There werefakeersinplenty,withtheirbodiesdustedoverwithashesandtheirlonghaircakedtogetherwithcow-dung;forthecowisholyandsoistherestofit;soholy that the good Hindoo peasant frescoes the walls of his hut with thisrefuse,andalsoconstructsornamentalfiguresoutof it for thegracingofhisdirtfloor.Therewereseatedfamilies,fearfullyandwonderfullypainted,whobyattitudeandgroupingrepresentedthefamiliesofcertaingreatgods.Therewasaholymanwhosatnakedbythedayandbytheweekonaclusterofironspikes,anddidnotseemtomindit;andanotherholyman,whostoodalldayholdinghiswitheredarmsmotionlessaloft,andwassaidtohavebeendoingitforyears.Alloftheseperformershaveaclothonthegroundbesidethemforthereceptionofcontributions,andeventhepoorestofthepeoplegiveatrifleandhopethatthesacrificewillbeblessedtohim.Atlastcameaprocessionofnakedholypeoplemarchingbyandchanting,andIwrenchedmyselfaway.

CHAPTERL.

Themanwhoisostentatiousofhismodestyistwintothestatuethatwearsafig-leaf.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.ThejourneytoBenareswasall indaylight,andoccupiedbutafewhours.Itwas admirably dusty. The dust settled upon you in a thick ashy layer andturnedyouintoafakeer,withnothinglackingtotherolebutthecowmanureandthesenseofholiness.Therewasachangeofcarsaboutmid-afternoonatMoghul-serai—if thatwas the name—and await of two hours there for theBenares train.Wecouldhave foundacarriageanddriven to thesacredcity,butweshouldhavelostthewait.Inothercountriesalongwaitatastationisadullthingandtedious,butonehasnorighttohavethatfeelinginIndia.Youhave the monster crowd of bejeweled natives, the stir, the bustle, theconfusion,theshiftingsplendorsofthecostumes—dearme,thedelightofit,the charm of it are beyond speech. The two-hour wait was over too soon.Amongothersatisfyingthingsto lookatwasaminornativeprincefromthebackwoods somewhere, with his guard of honor, a ragged but wonderfullygaudygangoffiftydarkbarbariansarmedwithrustyflint-lockmuskets.Thegeneralshowcamesoneartoexhaustingvarietythatonewouldhavesaidthatnoadditiontoitcouldbeconspicuous,butwhenthisFalstaffandhismotleysmarchedthroughitonesawthatthatseemingimpossibilityhadhappened.We got away by and by, and soon reached the outer edge of Benares; thentherewasanotherwait;but, asusual,with something to lookat.Thiswasacluster of little canvas-boxes—palanquins. A canvas-box is not much of asight—whenempty;butwhenthere isa lady in it, it isanobjectof interest.Theseboxesweregroupedapart,inthefullblazeoftheterriblesunduringthethree-quartersofanhourthatwetarriedthere.Theycontainedzenanaladies.Theyhadtositup;therewasnotroomenoughtostretchout.Theyprobablydidnotmindit.Theyareusedtotheclosecaptivityoftheirdwellingsalltheirlives;whentheygoajourneytheyarecarriedtothetrainintheseboxes;inthetraintheyhavetobesecludedfrominspection.Manypeoplepitythem,andIalways did it myself and never charged anything; but it is doubtful if thiscompassionisvalued.WhilewewereinIndiasomegood-heartedEuropeansinoneofthecitiesproposedtorestrictalargeparktotheuseofzenanaladies,sothattheycouldgothereandinassuredprivacygoaboutunveiledandenjoythe sunshine and air as they had never enjoyed them before. The goodintentions back of the proposition were recognized, and sincere thanksreturnedforit,butthepropositionitselfmetwithapromptdeclinationatthehands of those who were authorized to speak for the zenana ladies.Apparently, the idea was shocking to the ladies—indeed, it was quitemanifestlyshocking.WasthatpropositiontheequivalentofinvitingEuropeanladies to assemble scantily and scandalously clothed in the seclusion of a

privatepark?Itseemedtobeaboutthat.Withoutdoubtmodestyisnothinglessthanaholyfeeling;andwithoutdoubtthepersonwhoseruleofmodestyhasbeentransgressedfeelsthesamesortofwoundthathewouldfeelifsomethingmadeholytohimbyhisreligionhadsuffered a desecration. I say "rule of modesty" because there are about amillionrulesintheworld,andthismakesamillionstandardstobelookedoutfor.Major Sleemanmentions the case of somehigh-caste veiled ladieswhowereprofoundlyscandalizedwhensomeEnglishyoungladiespassedbywithfaces bare to the world; so scandalized that they spoke out with strongindignationandwonderedthatpeoplecouldbesoshamelessastoexposetheirpersonslikethat.Andyet"thelegsoftheobjectorswerenakedtomid-thigh."Bothpartieswereclean-mindedandirreproachablymodest,whileabidingbytheir separate rules,but theycouldn'thave traded rules forachangewithoutsufferingconsiderablediscomfort.Allhumanrulesaremoreorlessidiotic,Isuppose.Itisbestso,nodoubt.Thewayitisnow,theasylumscanholdthesanepeople,butifwetriedtoshutuptheinsaneweshouldrunoutofbuildingmaterials.YouhavealongdrivethroughtheoutskirtsofBenaresbeforeyougettothehotel. And all the aspects are melancholy. It is a vision of dusty sterility,decaying temples, crumbling tombs, broken mud walls, shabby huts. Thewhole region seems to achewith age andpenury. Itmust take ten thousandyears ofwant to produce such an aspect.Wewere still outside of the greatnative city whenwe reached the hotel. It was a quiet and homelike house,inviting,andmanifestlycomfortable.Butwelikeditsannexbetter,andwentthither. It was a mile away, perhaps, and stood in the midst of a largecompound, andwasbuiltbungalow fashion, everythingon theground floor,and a veranda all around. They have doors in India, but I don't knowwhy.Theydon'tfasten,andtheystandopen,asarule,withacurtainhanginginthedoorspacetokeepouttheglareofthesun.Still,thereisplentyofprivacy,forno white person will come in without notice, of course. The native menservants will, but they don't seem to count. They glide in, barefoot andnoiseless,andareinthemidstbeforeoneknowsit.Atfirstthisisashock,andsometimesitisanembarrassment;butonehastogetusedtoit,anddoes.Therewasonetreeinthecompound,andamonkeylivedinit.AtfirstIwasstronglyinterestedinthetree,forIwastoldthatitwastherenownedpeepul—thetreeinwhoseshadowyoucannottellalie.Thisonefailedtostandthetest,andIwentawayfromitdisappointed.Therewasasoftlycreakingwellcloseby,andacoupleofoxendrewwaterfromitbythehour,superintendedbytwonatives dressed in the usual "turban and pocket-handkerchief."The tree andthe well were the only scenery, and so the compound was a soothing andlonesomeandsatisfyingplace;andveryrestfulaftersomanyactivities.There

wasnobodyinourbungalowbutourselves;theotherguestswereinthenextone, where the table d'hote was furnished. A body could not be morepleasantlysituated.Eachroomhadthecustomarybathattached—aroomtenor twelve feet square,with a roomy stone-paved pit in it and abundance ofwater. One could not easily improve upon this arrangement, except byfurnishing it with cold water and excluding the hot, in deference to thefervency of the climate; but that is forbidden. Itwould damage the bather'shealth.ThestrangeriswarnedagainsttakingcoldbathsinIndia,buteventhemost intelligent strangers are fools, and they do not obey, and so theypresentlygetlaidup.Iwasthemostintelligentfoolthatpassedthrough,thatyear.ButIamstillmoreintelligentnow.Nowthatitistoolate.Iwonderifthe'dorian',ifthatisthenameofit,isanothersuperstition,likethepeepultree.Therewasagreatabundanceandvarietyoftropicalfruits,butthedorianwasnever inevidence. Itwasnever the season for thedorian. ItwasalwaysgoingtoarrivefromBurmasometimeorother,butitneverdid.Byallaccounts itwasamoststrangefruit,andincomparablydeliciousto the taste,butnottothesmell.Itsrindwassaidtoexudeastenchofsoatrociousanaturethat when a dorian was in the room even the presence of a polecat was arefreshment.Wefoundmanywhohadeatenthedorian,andtheyallspokeofitwithasortofrapture.Theysaidthatifyoucouldholdyournoseuntilthefruitwas in your mouth a sacred joy would suffuse you from head to foot thatwouldmakeyouoblivioustothesmelloftherind,butthatifyourgripslippedandyoucaughtthesmelloftherindbeforethefruitwasinyourmouth,youwouldfaint.Thereisafortuneinthatrind.SomedaysomebodywillimportitintoEuropeandsellitforcheese.Benareswasnotadisappointment.Itjustifieditsreputationasacuriosity.Itisonhighground,andoverhangsagrandcurveoftheGanges.Itisavastmassof building, compactly crusting a hill, and is cloven in all directions by anintricate confusionof crackswhich stand for streets.Tall, slimminarets andbeflaggedtemple-spiresriseoutofitandgiveitpicturesqueness,viewedfromtheriver.Thecityisasbusyasanant-hill,andthehurly-burlyofhumanlifeswarmingalongthewebofnarrowstreetsremindsoneoftheants.Thesacredcow swarms along, too, and goeswhither she pleases, and takes toll of thegrain-shops, and isverymuch in theway, and is agooddealof anuisance,sinceshemustnotbemolested.Benaresisolderthanhistory,olderthantradition,oldereventhanlegend,andlookstwiceasoldasallofthemputtogether.FromaHindoostatementquotedinRev.Mr.Parker'scompactandlucidGuidetoBenares,Ifindthatthesiteofthe townwas the beginning-place of theCreation. Itwasmerely an upright"lingam," at first, no larger than a stove-pipe, and stood in the midst of ashoreless ocean.Thiswas thework of theGodVishnu.Later he spread the

lingamouttillitssurfacewastenmilesacross.Stillitwasnotlargeenoughforthebusiness; thereforehepresentlybuilt theglobearoundit.Benaresis thusthecenteroftheearth.Thisisconsideredanadvantage.It has had a tumultuous history, both materially and spiritually. It startedBrahminically,manyagesago; thenbyandbyBuddhacame inrecent times2,500 years ago, and after that it was Buddhist during many centuries—twelve,perhaps—buttheBrahminsgot theupperhandagain, then,andhavehelditeversince.ItisunspeakablysacredinHindooeyes,andisasunsanitaryasitissacred,andsmellsliketherindofthedorian.ItistheheadquartersoftheBrahminfaith,andone-eighthofthepopulationarepriestsofthatchurch.But it isnotanoverstock, for theyhaveall Indiaasaprey.All India flocksthitheronpilgrimage,andpoursitssavingsintothepocketsofthepriestsinagenerousstream,whichneverfails.ApriestwithagoodstandontheshoreoftheGangesismuchbetteroffthanthesweeperofthebestcrossinginLondon.Agoodstandisworthaworldofmoney.Theholyproprietorofitsitsunderhisgrandspectacularumbrellaandblessespeopleallhislife,andcollectshiscommission,andgrowsfatandrich;andthestandpassesfromfathertoson,down and down and down through the ages, and remains a permanent andlucrativeestateinthefamily.AsMr.Parkersuggests,itcanbecomeasubjectofdispute,atonetimeoranother,andthenthematterwillbesettled,notbyprayerandfastingandconsultationswithVishnu,butbytheinterventionofamuchmore puissant power—anEnglish court. InBombay Iwas told by anAmerican missionary that in India there are 640 Protestant missionaries atwork.Atfirstitseemedanimmenseforce,butofcoursethatwasathoughtlessidea. One missionary to 500,000 natives—no, that is not a force; it is thereverseof it;640marchingagainstan intrenchedcampof300,000,000—theoddsaretoogreat.Aforceof640inBenaresalonewouldhaveitshandsover-fullwith 8,000Brahmin priests for adversary.Missionaries need to bewellequipped with hope and confidence, and this equipment they seem to havealwayshadinallpartsoftheworld.Mr.Parkerhasit.Itenableshimtogetafavorableoutlookoutof statisticswhichmightaddupdifferentlywithothermathematicians.Forinstance:"During the past few years competent observers declare that the number ofpilgrimstoBenareshasincreased."Andthenheaddsupthisfactandgetsthisconclusion:"But the revival, if so itmay be called, has in it themarks of death. It is aspasmodicstrugglebeforedissolution."InthisworldwehaveseentheRomanCatholicpowerdying,uponthesesameterms, for many centuries. Many a time we have gotten all ready for thefuneralandfounditpostponedagain,onaccountoftheweatherorsomething.Taughtbyexperience,weoughtnottoputonourthingsforthisBrahminical

one till we see the processionmove. Apparently one of themost uncertainthingsintheworldisthefuneralofareligion.IshouldhavebeengladtoacquiresomesortofideaofHindootheology,butthedifficultiesweretoogreat,thematterwastoointricate.EventhemereA,B,Cofitisbaffling.There is a trinity—Brahma, Shiva, and Vishnu—independent powers,apparently, though one cannot feel quite sure of that, because in one of thetemplesthereisanimagewhereanattempthasbeenmadetoconcentratethethreeinoneperson.Thethreehaveothernamesandplentyofthem,andthismakes confusion in one's mind. The three have wives and the wives haveseveral names, and this increases the confusion. There are children, thechildrenhavemanynames,and thus theconfusiongoesonandon. It isnotworthwhiletotrytogetanygripuponthecloudofminorgods,therearetoomanyofthem.ItisevenajustifiableeconomytoleaveBrahma,thechiefestgodofall,outofyourstudies,forheseemstocutnogreatfigureinIndia.ThevastbulkofthenationalworshipislavisheduponShivaandVishnuandtheirfamilies.Shiva'ssymbol—the"lingam"withwhichVishnubegan theCreation—isworshipedbyeverybody,apparently.ItisthecommonestobjectinBenares.Itisonvieweverywhere,itisgarlandedwithflowers,offeringsaremadetoit,itsuffersnoneglect.Commonly it isanuprightstone,shaped likea thimble—sometimeslike an elongated thimble. This priapus-worship, then, is older than history.Mr.ParkersaysthatthelingamsinBenares"outnumbertheinhabitants."InBenarestherearemanyMohammedanmosques.ThereareHindootempleswithoutnumber—thesequaintlyshapedandelaboratelysculpturedlittlestonejugscrowdallthelanes.TheGangesitselfandeveryindividualdropofwaterin it are temples. Religion, then, is the business of Benares, just as gold-productionisthebusinessofJohannesburg.Otherindustriescountfornothingascomparedwith thevastandall-absorbingrushanddriveandboomof thetown's specialty. Benares is the sacredest of sacred cities. Themoment youstep across the sharply-defined line which separates it from the rest of theglobe, you stand upon ineffably and unspeakably holy ground. Mr. Parkersays:"It isimpossibletoconveyanyadequateideaoftheintensefeelingsofveneration and affection with which the pious Hindoo regards 'Holy Kashi'(Benares)."Andthenhegivesyouthisvividandmovingpicture:"LetaHindooregimentbemarchedthroughthedistrict,andassoonastheycrossthelineandenterthelimitsoftheholyplacetheyrendtheairwithcriesof 'Kashi ji ki jai jai jai! (HolyKashi!Hail to thee!Hail!Hail!Hail)'. Thewearypilgrimscarcelyable tostand,withageandweakness,blindedby thedust and heat, and almost dead with fatigue, crawls out of the oven-likerailway carriage and as soon as his feet touch the ground he lifts up his

witheredhandsanduttersthesamepiousexclamation.LetaEuropeaninsomedistant city in casual talk in the bazarmention the fact that he has lived atBenares,andatoncevoiceswillberaisedtocalldownblessingsonhishead,foradwellerinBenaresisofallmenmostblessed."Itmakesourownreligiousenthusiasmseempaleandcold. Inasmuchas thelife of religion is in the heart, not the head, Mr. Parker's touching pictureseemstopromiseasortofindefinitepostponementofthatfuneral.

CHAPTERLI.

LetmemakethesuperstitionsofanationandIcarenotwhomakesitslawsoritssongseither.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.Yes,thecityofBenaresisineffectjustabigchurch,areligioushive,whoseevery cell is a temple, a shrine or amosque, andwhose every conceivableearthlyandheavenlygoodisprocurableunderoneroof,sotospeak—asortofArmyandNavyStores,theologicallystocked.Iwillmakeoutalittleitineraryforthepilgrim;thenyouwillseehowhandythesystemis,howconvenient,howcomprehensive.IfyougotoBenareswithaseriousdesiretospirituallybenefityourself,youwillfinditvaluable.IgotsomeofthefactsfromconversationswiththeRev.Mr.ParkerandtheothersfromhisGuidetoBenares;theyarethereforetrustworthy.1.Purification.Atsunriseyoumustgodownto theGangesandbathe,pray,anddrinksomeofthewater.Thisisforyourgeneralpurification.2. Protection against Hunger. Next, you must fortify yourself against thesorrowfulearthlyilljustnamed.ThisyouwilldobyworshipingforamomentintheCowTemple.BythedoorofityouwillfindanimageofGanesh,sonofShiva;ithastheheadofanelephantonahumanbody;itsfaceandhandsareof silver. You will worship it a little, and pass on, into a covered veranda,whereyouwillfinddevoteesrecitingfromthesacredbooks,withthehelpofinstructors. In this place are groups of rude and dismal idols. You maycontributesomethingfor theirsupport; thenpass intothetemple,agrimandstenchyplace,foritispopulouswithsacredcowsandwithbeggars.Youwillgivesomethingtothebeggars,and"reverentlykissthetails"ofsuchcowsaspass along, for these cows are peculiarly holy, and this act ofworshipwillsecureyoufromhungerfortheday.3. "The Poor Man's Friend." You will next worship this god. He is at thebottomofastonecisterninthetempleofDalbhyeswar,undertheshadeofa

noblepeepultreeonthebluffoverlookingtheGanges,soyoumustgobacktotheriver.ThePoorMan'sFriendisthegodofmaterialprosperityingeneral,and the god of the rain in particular.Youwill securematerial prosperity, orboth,byworshipinghim.HeisShiva,underanewalias,andheabidesinthebottomofthatcistern,intheformofastonelingam.YoupourGangeswateroverhim,andinreturnforthishomageyougetthepromisedbenefits.Ifthereisanydelayabouttherain,youmustpourwaterinuntilthecisternisfull;therainwillthenbesuretocome.4.Fever.AttheKedarGhatyouwillfindalongflightofstonestepsleadingdowntotheriver.Halfwaydownisatankfilledwithsewage.Drinkasmuchofitasyouwant.Itisforfever.5.Smallpox.Gostraight fromthere to thecentralGhat.At itsupstreamendyouwillfindasmallwhitewashedbuilding,whichisatemplesacredtoSitala,goddessofsmallpox.Herunder-studyisthere—arudehumanfigurebehindabrassscreen.Youwillworshipthisforreasonstobefurnishedpresently.6.TheWellofFate.Forcertain reasonsyouwillnextgoanddohomageatthiswell.YouwillfinditintheDandpanTemple,inthecity.Thesunlightfallsinto it from a square hole in themasonry above.Youwill approach itwithawe,foryourlifeisnowatstake.Youwillbendoverandlook.Ifthefatesarepropitious,youwillseeyourfacepicturedinthewaterfardowninthewell.Ifmattershavebeenotherwiseordered, a suddencloudwillmask the sun andyouwillseenothing.Thismeansthatyouhavenotsixmonthstolive.Ifyouarealreadyatthepointofdeath,yourcircumstancesarenowserious.Thereisnotimetolose.Letthisworldgo,arrangeforthenextone.Handilysituated,atyourveryelbow,isopportunityforthis.YouturnandworshiptheimageofMahaKal,theGreatFate,andhappinessinthelifetocomeissecured.Ifthereis breath in your body yet, you should nowmake an effort to get a furtherleaseofthepresentlife.Youhaveachance.ThereisachanceforeverythinginthisadmirablystockedandwonderfullysystemizedSpiritualandTemporalArmyandNavyStore.Youmustgetyourselfcarriedtothe7. Well of Long Life. This is within the precincts of the mouldering andvenerableBriddhkalTemple,whichisoneoftheoldestinBenares.Youpassin by a stone image of the monkey god, Hanuman, and there, among theruinedcourtyards,youwillfindashallowpoolofstagnantsewage.Itsmellslikethebestlimburgercheese,andisfilthywiththewashingsofrottinglepers,butthatisnothing,batheinit;batheinitgratefullyandworshipfully,forthisis theFountainofYouth; theseare theWatersofLongLife.Yourgrayhairswilldisappear,andwiththemyourwrinklesandyourrheumatism,theburdensofcareandthewearinessofage,andyouwillcomeoutyoung,fresh,elastic,andfullofeagernessfor thenewraceof life.Nowwillcomefloodinguponyou themanifold desires that haunt the dear dreams of themorning of life.

Youwillgowhitheryouwillfind8.FulfillmentofDesire.Towit,totheKameshwarTemple,sacredtoShivaastheLordofDesires.Arrangeforyoursthere.Andifyouliketolookatidolsamong the pack and jam of temples, there youwill find enough to stock amuseum. You will begin to commit sins now with a fresh, new vivacity;therefore,itwillbewelltogofrequentlytoaplacewhereyoucanget9.TemporaryCleansingfromSin.Towit,totheWelloftheEarring.Youmustapproachthiswiththeprofoundestreverence,foritisunutterablysacred.Itis,indeed, the most sacred place in Benares, the very Holy of Holies, in theestimationofthepeople.Itisarailedtank,withstonestairwaysleadingdowntothewater.Thewaterisnotclean.Ofcourseitcouldnotbe,forpeoplearealwaysbathinginit.Aslongasyouchoosetostandandlook,youwillseethefiles of sinners descending and ascending—descending soiled with sin,ascendingpurgedfromit."Theliar,thethief,themurderer,andtheadulterermayherewashandbeclean,"saystheRev.Mr.Parker,inhisbook.Verywell.IknowMr.Parker,andIbelieve it;but ifanybodyelsehadsaid it, Ishouldconsiderhimapersonwhohadbettergodown in the tankand takeanotherwash. The god Vishnu dug this tank. He had nothing to dig with but his"discus."Idonotknowwhatadiscusis,butIknowitisapoorthingtodigtankswith,because,bythetimethisonewasfinished,itwasfullofsweat—Vishnu'ssweat.HeconstructedthesitethatBenaresstandson,andafterwardbuilttheglobearoundit,andthoughtnothingofit,yetsweatedlikethatoveralittle thing like this tank.Oneof thesestatements isdoubtful. Idonotknowwhichoneitis,butIthinkitdifficultnottobelievethatagodwhocouldbuildaworldaroundBenareswouldnotbeintelligentenoughtobuilditaroundthetanktoo,andnothavetodigit.Youth,longlife,temporarypurificationfromsin,salvation throughpropitiationof theGreatFate—theseareallgood.Butyoumustdosomethingmore.Youmust10. Make Salvation Sure. There are several ways. To get drowned in theGangesisone,butthatisnotpleasant.TodiewithinthelimitsofBenaresisanother;butthatisariskyone,becauseyoumightbeoutoftownwhenyourtimecame.Thebestoneofall is thePilgrimageAround theCity.Youmustwalk;also,youmustgobarefoot.Thetrampisforty-fourmiles,for theroadwindsoutintothecountryapiece,andyouwillbemarchingfiveorsixdays.Butyouwillhaveplentyofcompany.Youwillmovewiththrongsandhostsofhappypilgrimswhoseradiantcostumeswillmakethespectaclebeautifulandwhose glad songs and holy pans of triumph will banish your fatigues andcheeryourspirit;andatintervalstherewillbetempleswhereyoumaysleepand be refreshedwith food.The pilgrimage completed, you have purchasedsalvation,andpaidforit.Butyoumaynotgetitunlessyou11. Get Your Redemption Recorded. You can get this done at the Sakhi

BinayakTemple,anditisbesttodoit,forotherwiseyoumightnotbeabletoprove thatyouhadmade thepilgrimage incase thematter shouldsomedaycometobedisputed.ThattempleisinalanebackoftheCowTemple.OverthedoorisaredimageofGaneshoftheelephanthead,sonandheirofShiva,andPrinceofWalestotheTheologicalMonarchy,sotospeak.Withinisagodwhoseoffice it is torecordyourpilgrimageandberesponsibleforyou.Youwillnotseehim,butyouwillseeaBrahminwhowillattendtothematterandtakethemoney.Ifheshouldforgettocollectthemoney,youcanremindhim.Heknowsthatyoursalvationisnowsecure,butofcourseyouwouldliketoknowityourself.Youhavenothingtodobutgoandpray,andpayatthe12.Well of the Knowledge of Salvation. It is close to the Golden Temple.There youwill see, sculptured out of a single piece of blackmarble, a bullwhichismuchlargerthananylivingbullyouhaveeverseen,andyetisnotagoodlikenessafterall.Andtherealsoyouwillseeaveryuncommonthing—animageofShiva.Youhaveseenhislingamfiftythousandtimesalready,butthisisShivahimself,andsaidtobeagoodlikeness.Ithasthreeeyes.Heistheonlygodinthefirmthathasthree."Thewelliscoveredbyafinecanopyofstonesupportedby fortypillars,"andaround ityouwill findwhatyouhavealready seen at almost every shrine you have visited in Benares, a mob ofdevoutandeagerpilgrims.Thesacredwaterisbeingladledouttothem;withitcomestothemtheknowledge,clear,thrilling,absolute,thattheyaresaved;andyoucanseebytheirfacesthatthereisonehappinessinthisworldwhichissupreme,andtowhichnootherjoyiscomparable.Youreceiveyourwater,youmakeyourdeposit,andnowwhatmorewouldyouhave?Gold,diamonds,power,fame?Allinasinglemomentthesethingshavewitheredtodirt,dust,ashes.Theworldhasnothingtogiveyounow.Foryouitisbankrupt.I do not claim that the pilgrims do their acts of worship in the order andsequenceabovechartedoutinthisItineraryofmine,butIthinklogicsuggeststhat theyought todoso. Insteadofahelter-skelterworship,we thenhaveadefinitestarting-place,andamarchwhichcarriesthepilgrimsteadilyforwardbyreasonedandlogicalprogressiontoadefinitegoal.Thus,hisGangesbathin theearlymorninggiveshimanappetite;hekisses thecow-tails, and thatremovesit.Itisnowbusinesshours,andlongingsformaterialprosperityriseinhismind,andhegoesandpourswateroverShiva'ssymbol;thisinsurestheprosperity,butalsobringsonarain,whichgiveshimafever.ThenhedrinksthesewageattheKedarGhattocurethefever;itcuresthefeverbutgiveshimthesmallpox.Hewishes toknowhowit isgoing to turnout;hegoes to theDandpan Temple and looks down the well. A clouded sun shows him thatdeathisnear.Logicallyhisbestcourseforthepresent,sincehecannottellatwhatmomenthemaydie,istosecureahappyhereafter;thishedoes,throughtheagencyoftheGreatFate.Heissafe,now,forheaven;hisnextmovewillnaturally be to keep out of it as long as he can. Therefore he goes to the

BriddhkalTempleandsecuresYouthand long lifebybathing inapuddleofleper-puswhichwouldkillamicrobe.Logically,Youthhas re-equippedhimforsinandwiththedispositiontocommitit;hewillnaturallygotothefanewhich is consecrated to the Fulfillment ofDesires, andmake arrangements.Logically, he will now go to theWell of the Earring from time to time tounloadandfreshenupforfurtherbannedenjoyments.Butfirstandlastandallthetimeheishuman,andthereforeinhisreflectiveintervalshewillalwaysbespeculating in "futures."Hewillmake theGreat Pilgrimage around the cityandsomakehissalvationabsolutelysure;hewillalsohaverecordmadeofit,sothatitmayremainabsolutelysureandnotbeforgottenorrepudiatedintheconfusion of the Final Settlement. Logically, also, he will wish to havesatisfyingand tranquilizingpersonalknowledge that that salvation is secure;therefore he goes to the Well of the Knowledge of Salvation, adds thatcompletingdetail,and thengoesabouthisaffairs sereneandcontent; sereneand content, for he is now royally endowed with an advantage which noreligion in this world could give him but his own; for henceforth he maycommitasmanymillionsinsashewantstoandnothingcancomeofit.Thus the system, properly and logically ordered, is neat, compact, clearlydefined,andcoversthewholeground.Idesiretorecommendittosuchasfindthe other systems too difficult, exacting, and irksome for the uses of thisfretfulbrieflifeofours.However,letmenotdeceiveanyone.MyItinerarylacksadetail.Imustputitin.Thetruthis,thatafterthepilgrimhasfaithfullyfollowedtherequirementsoftheItinerarythroughtotheendandhassecuredhissalvationandalsothepersonalknowledgeofthatfact,thereisstillanaccidentpossibletohimwhichcan annul the whole thing. If he should ever cross to the other side of theGangesandgetcaughtoutanddietherehewouldatoncecometolifeagaininthe formofanass.Thinkof that,afterall this troubleandexpense.Youseehowcapriciousanduncertainsalvationisthere.TheHindoohasachildishandunreasoningaversion tobeing turned intoanass. It ishard to tellwhy.Onecould properly expect an ass to have an aversion to being turned into aHindoo. One could understand that he could lose dignity by it; also self-respect,andnine-tenthsofhisintelligence.ButtheHindoochangedintoanasswouldn't lose anything, unless you count his religion. And he would gainmuch—release from his slavery to two million gods and twenty millionpriests,fakeers,holymendicants,andothersacredbacilli;hewouldescapetheHindoohell;hewouldalsoescapetheHindooheaven.Theseareadvantageswhich theHindoo ought to consider; then hewould go over and die on theotherside.BenaresisareligiousVesuvius.Initsbowelsthetheologicalforceshavebeenheavingandtossing,rumbling,thunderingandquaking,boiling,andweltering

and flaming and smoking for ages. But a little group of missionaries havetakenpostatitsbase,andtheyhavehopes.TherearetheBaptistMissionarySociety, theChurchMissionarySociety, theLondonMissionarySociety, theWesleyan Missionary Society, and the Zenana Bible and Medical Mission.Theyhave schools, and theprincipalwork seems to be among the children.And no doubt that part of the work prospers best, for grown peopleeverywherearealwayslikelytoclingtothereligiontheywerebroughtupin.

CHAPTERLII.

Wrinklesshouldmerelyindicatewheresmileshavebeen.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.InoneofthoseBenarestempleswesawadevoteeworkingforsalvationinacuriousway.Hehadahugewadofclaybesidehimandwasmakingitupintolittleweegodsnobiggerthancarpettacks.Hestuckagrainofriceintoeach—to represent the lingam, I think.He turned themout nimbly, for hehadhadlongpracticeandhadacquiredgreatfacility.Everydayhemade2,000gods,then threw them into the holyGanges.This act of homage brought him theprofoundhomageofthepious—alsotheircoppers.Hehadasurelivinghere,andwasearningahighplaceinthehereafter.The Ganges front is the supreme show-place of Benares. Its tall bluffs aresolidly caked from water to summit, along a stretch of three miles, with asplendid jumble of massive and picturesque masonry, a bewildering andbeautifulconfusionof stoneplatforms, temples, stair-flights, richandstatelypalaces—nowhereabreak,nowhereaglimpseofthebluffitself;all thelongface of it is compactly walled from sight by this crammed perspective ofplatforms, soaring stairways, sculptured temples,majestic palaces, softeningaway into the distances; and there is movement, motion, human lifeeverywhere, and brilliantly costumed—streaming in rainbows up and downtheloftystairways,andmassedinmetaphoricalflower-gardensonthemilesofgreatplatformsattheriver'sedge.Allthismasonry,allthisarchitecturerepresentspiety.Thepalaceswerebuiltbynativeprinceswhosehomes,asa rule,are far fromBenares,butwhogotherefromtimeto timetorefresh theirsoulswith thesightand touchof theGanges,theriveroftheiridolatry.Thestairwaysarerecordsofactsofpiety;thecrowdofcostlylittle templesaretokensofmoneyspentbyrichmenforpresentcredit andhopeof future reward.Apparently, the richChristianwhospendslargesumsuponhisreligionisconspicuouswithus,byhisrarity,buttherichHindoowhodoesn'tspendlargesumsuponhisreligionisseemingly

non-existent.Withus thepoor spendmoneyon their religion,but theykeepbacksometoliveon.Apparently,inIndia,thepoorbankruptthemselvesdailyfortheirreligion.TherichHindoocanaffordhispiousoutlays;hegetsmuchglory for his spendings, yet keeps back a sufficiency of his income fortemporal purposes; but the poor Hindoo is entitled to compassion, for hisspendingskeephimpoor,yetgethimnoglory.We made the usual trip up and down the river, seated in chairs under anawningonthedeckoftheusualcommodioushand-propelledark;madeittwoorthreetimes,andcouldhavemadeitwithincreasinginterestandenjoymentmany timesmore; for, of course, thepalaces and templeswouldgrowmoreandmorebeautiful every timeone saw them, for thathappenswithall suchthings;also,Ithinkonewouldnotgettiredofthebathers,northeircostumes,nor of their ingenuities in getting out of them and into them againwithoutexposingtoomuchbronze,noroftheirdevotionalgesticulationsandabsorbedbead-tellings.But I should get tired of seeing themwash theirmouthswith that dreadfulwateranddrinkit.Infact,Ididgettiredofit,andveryearly,too.Atoneplacewherewehaltedforawhile,thefoulgushfromasewerwasmakingthewaterturbidandmurkyallaround,andtherewasarandomcorpsesloppingaroundinitthathadfloateddownfromupcountry.Tenstepsbelowthatplacestoodacrowdofmen,women,andcomelyyoungmaidenswaistdeep in thewater-andtheywerescoopingitupintheirhandsanddrinkingit.Faithcancertainlydowonders,andthisisaninstanceofit.Thosepeoplewerenotdrinkingthatfearfulstufftoassuagethirst,butinordertopurifytheirsoulsandtheinterioroftheirbodies.Accordingtotheircreed,theGangeswatermakeseverythingpure that it touches—instantlyandutterlypure.Thesewerwaterwasnotanoffencetothem,thecorpsedidnotrevoltthem;thesacredwaterhadtouchedboth,andbothwerenowsnow-pure,andcoulddefilenoone.Thememoryofthatsightwillalwaysstaybyme;butnotbyrequest.Awordfurtherconcerningthenastybutall-purifyingGangeswater.WhenwewenttoAgra,byandby,wehappenedtherejustintimetobeinatthebirthofa marvel—a memorable scientific discovery—the discovery that in certainways the foul and deridedGangeswater is themost puissant purifier in theworld!Thiscuriousfact,asIhavesaid,hadjustbeenaddedtothetreasuryofmodernscience.IthadlongbeennotedasastrangethingthatwhileBenaresisoftenafflictedwiththecholerashedoesnotspreaditbeyondherborders.Thiscould not be accounted for. Mr. Henkin, the scientist in the employ of thegovernmentofAgra,concludedtoexaminethewater.HewenttoBenaresandmadehis tests.Hegotwater at themouths of the sewerswhere they emptyintotheriveratthebathingghats;acubiccentimetreofitcontainedmillionsof germs; at the end of six hours they were all dead. He caught a floating

corpse,towedittotheshore,andfrombesideithedippedupwaterthatwasswarmingwithcholeragerms;attheendofsixhourstheywerealldead.Headdedswarmafterswarmofcholeragermstothiswater;withinthesixhoursthey always died, to the last sample. Repeatedly, he took pure well waterwhichwas barren of animal life, and put into it a few cholera germs; theyalwaysbegantopropagateatonce,andalwayswithinsixhourstheyswarmed—andwerenumberablebymillionsuponmillions.Foragesandages theHindooshavehadabsolute faith that thewaterof theGangeswasabsolutelypure,couldnotbedefiledbyanycontactwhatsoever,and infallibly made pure and clean whatsoever thing touched it. They stillbelieveit,andthatiswhytheybatheinitanddrinkit,caringnothingforitsseeming filthiness and the floating corpses.TheHindooshavebeen laughedat,thesemanygenerations,butthelaughterwillneedtomodifyitselfalittlefromnowon.Howdidtheyfindoutthewater'ssecretinthoseancientages?Hadtheygerm-scientiststhen?Wedonotknow.Weonlyknowthattheyhadacivilization longbeforeweemerged fromsavagery.But to return towhere Iwasbefore;Iwasabouttospeakoftheburning-ghat.They do not burn fakeers—those reveredmendicants.They are so holy thattheycangettotheirplacewithoutthatsacrament,providedtheybeconsignedto the consecrating river. We saw one carried to mid-stream and thrownoverboard.Hewassandwichedbetweentwogreatslabsofstone.We lay off the cremation-ghat half an hour and saw nine corpses burned. Ishouldnotwish to seeanymoreof it,unless Imight select theparties.Themournersfollowthebierthroughthetownanddowntotheghat;thenthebier-bearersdeliverthebodytosomelow-castenatives—Doms—andthemournersturnaboutandgobackhome.Iheardnocryingandsawnotears,therewasnoceremonyofparting.Apparently, theseexpressionsofgriefandaffectionarereservedfortheprivacyofthehome.Thedeadwomencamedrapedinred,themeninwhite.Theyare laidinthewaterat theriver'sedgewhile thepyreisbeingprepared.Thefirstsubjectwasaman.WhentheDomsunswathedhimtowashhim,heproved to be a sturdily built, well-nourished and handsome old gentleman,withnotasignabouthimtosuggestthathehadeverbeenill.Drywoodwasbroughtandbuiltupintoaloosepile;thecorpsewaslaiduponitandcoveredoverwithfuel.Thenanakedholymanwhowassittingonhighgroundalittledistanceawaybegantotalkandshoutwithgreatenergy,andhekeptupthisnoise rightalong. Itmayhavebeen the funeral sermon,andprobablywas. Iforgottosaythatoneofthemournersremainedbehindwhentheotherswentaway. This was the dead man's son, a boy of ten or twelve, brown andhandsome, grave and self-possessed, and clothed in flowing white. He wasthere to burn his father.Hewas given a torch, andwhile he slowlywalked

seventimesaroundthepyrethenakedblackmanonthehighgroundpouredouthissermonmoreclamorouslythanever.Theseventhcircuitcompleted,theboyapplied the torchathis father'shead, thenathis feet; the flamessprangbrisklyupwithasharpcracklingnoise,andtheladwentaway.Hindoosdonotwantdaughters,becausetheirweddingsmakesucharuinousexpense;buttheywantsons,sothatatdeaththeymayhavehonorableexitfromtheworld;andthereisnohonorequaltothehonorofhavingone'spyrelightedbyone'sson.Thefatherwhodiessonlessisinagrievoussituationindeed,andispitied.Lifebeinguncertain,theHindoomarrieswhileheisstillaboy,inthehopethathewillhaveasonreadywhenthedayofhisneedshallcome.Butifhehavenoson,hewilladoptone.Thisanswerseverypurpose.Meantime the corpse is burning, also several others. It is a dismal business.Thestokersdidnotsitdowninidleness,butmovedbrisklyabout,punchingupthe fires with long poles, and now and then adding fuel. Sometimes theyhoisted thehalfof a skeleton into theair, then slammed itdownandbeat itwiththepole,breakingitupsothatitwouldburnbetter.Theyhoistedskullsupinthesamewayandbangedandbatteredthem.Thesightwashardtobear;itwouldhavebeenharderifthemournershadstayedtowitnessit.Ihadbutamoderate desire to see a cremation, so it was soon satisfied. For sanitaryreasons it would be well if cremation were universal; but this form isrevolting,andnottoberecommended.The fireused is sacred,of course—for there ismoney in it.Ordinary fire isforbidden; there is no money in it. I was told that this sacred fire is allfurnishedbyoneperson,andthathehasamonopolyofitandchargesagoodpriceforit.Sometimesarichmournerpaysathousandrupeesforit.Togettoparadise from India is an expensive thing. Every detail connected with themattercostssomething,andhelpstofattenapriest.Isupposeitisquitesafetoconcludethatthatfire-bugisinholyorders.Close to the cremation-ground stand a few time-worn stones which areremembrancesofthesuttee.Eachhasaroughcarvinguponit,representingaman and a woman standing or walking hand in hand, and marks the spotwhere a widow went to her death by fire in the days when the sutteeflourished.Mr. Parker said that widows would burn themselves now if thegovernmentwould allow it. The family that can point to one of these littlememorialsandsay:"Shewhoburnedherselftherewasanancestressofours,"isenvied.Itisacuriouspeople.Withthem,alllifeseemstobesacredexcepthumanlife.Eventhelifeofverminissacred,andmustnotbetaken.ThegoodJainwipesoffaseatbeforeusingit, lesthecausethedeathof-somevaluelessinsectbysitting down on it. It grieves him to have to drink water, because theprovisionsinhisstomachmaynotagreewiththemicrobes.YetIndiainvented

ThuggeryandtheSuttee.Indiaisahardcountrytounderstand.Wewenttothetemple of the Thug goddess, Bhowanee, or Kali, or Durga. She has thesenames and others. She is the only god towhom living sacrifices aremade.Goatsaresacrificedtoher.Monkeyswouldbecheaper.Thereareplentyofthemabouttheplace.Beingsacred,theymakethemselvesveryfree,andscramblearoundwherevertheyplease.Thetempleanditsporcharebeautifullycarved,butthisisnotthecasewiththeidol.Bhowaneeisnotpleasant to look at. She has a silver face, and a projecting swollen tonguepaintedadeepred.Shewearsanecklaceofskulls.Infact,noneof the idols inBenaresarehandsomeorattractive.Andwhataswarmofthemthereis!Thetownisavastmuseumofidols—andallofthemcrude,misshapen,andugly.Theyflockthroughone'sdreamsatnight,awildmobofnightmares.Whenyougettiredoftheminthetemplesandtakeatripontheriver,youfindidolgiants,flashilypainted,stretchedoutsidebysideonthe shore. And apparently wherever there is room for one more lingam, alingam is there. If Vishnu had foreseenwhat his townwas going to be, hewouldhavecalleditIdolvilleorLingamburg.ThemostconspicuousfeatureofBenaresisthepairofslenderwhiteminaretswhichtowerlikemastsfromthegreatMosqueofAurangzeb.Theyseemtobealways in sight, from everywhere, those airy, graceful, inspiring things.Butmasts is not the rightword, formasts have a perceptible taper, while theseminaretshavenot.Theyare142feethigh,andonly81/2feetindiameteratthe base, and 7 1/2 at the summit—scarcely any taper at all. These are theproportions of a candle; and fair and fairylike candles these are. Will be,anyway, some day,when theChristians inherit them and top themwith theelectriclight.Thereisagreatviewfromupthere—awonderfulview.Alargegraymonkeywaspartofit,anddamagedit.Amonkeyhasnojudgment.Thisone was skipping about the upper great heights of the mosque—skippingacross empty yawning intervals which were almost too wide for him, andwhichheonlyjustbarelycleared,eachtime,bytheskinofhisteeth.HegotmesonervousthatIcouldn'tlookattheview.Icouldn'tlookatanythingbuthim.Every timehewent sailingover oneof those abyssesmybreath stoodstill, andwhenhegrabbed for theperchhewasgoing for, Igrabbed too, insympathy.Andhewasperfectlyindifferent,perfectlyunconcerned,andIdidallthepantingmyself.Hecamewithinanaceoflosinghislifeadozentimes,and I was so troubled about him that I would have shot him if I had hadanything to do it with. But I strongly recommend the view. There is moremonkey thanview,and there isalwaysgoing tobemoremonkeywhile thatidiotsurvives,butwhatviewyougetissuperb.AllBenares,theriver,andtheregionroundaboutarespreadbeforeyou.Takeagun,andlookattheview.Thenext thingI sawwasmore reposeful. Itwasanewkindofart. Itwasa

picture paintedonwater. Itwasdoneby a native.He sprinkled finedust ofvarious colors on the still surface of a basin of water, and out of thesesprinklingsadaintyandprettypicturegraduallygrew,apicturewhichabreathcould destroy. Somehow it was impressive, after somuch browsing amongmassiveandbatteredanddecayingfanesthatrestuponruins,andthoseruinsuponstillother ruins, and thoseuponstillothers again. Itwasa sermon,anallegory,asymbolofInstability.Thosecreationsinstonewereonlyakindofwaterpictures,afterall.AprominentepisodeintheIndiancareerofWarrenHastingshadBenaresforitstheater.Whereverthatextraordinarymansethisfoot,helefthismark.Hecame toBenares in 1781 to collect a fine ofL500,000whichhe had leviedupon itsRajah,CheitSingh,onbehalfof theEast IndiaCompany.Hastingswas a long way from home and help. There were, probably, not a dozenEnglishmenwithin reach; theRajahwas inhis fortwithhismyriadsaroundhim.But nomatter. From his little camp in a neighboring garden,Hastingssentapartytoarrestthesovereign.Hesentonthisdaringmissionacoupleofhundred native soldiers— sepoys—under command of three young Englishlieutenants.TheRajah submittedwithout aword.The incident lights up theIndiansituationelectrically,andgivesoneavividsenseof thestrideswhichtheEnglishhadmadeandthemastershiptheyhadacquiredinthelandsincethedateofClive'sgreatvictory.Inaquarterofacentury,frombeingnobodies,andfearedbynone,theywerebecomeconfessedlordsandmasters,fearedbyall,sovereignsincluded,andservedbyall,sovereignsincluded.Itmakesthefairytalessoundtrue.TheEnglishhadnotbeenafraidtoenlistnativesoldierstofightagainsttheirownpeopleandkeepthemobedient.AndnowHastingswasnotafraidtocomeawayouttothisremoteplacewithahandfulofsuchsoldiersandsendthemtoarrestanativesovereign.The lieutenants imprisoned the Rajah in his own fort. It was beautiful, thepluckiness of it, the impudenceof it.The arrest enraged theRajah's people,and all Benares came storming about the place and threatening vengeance.Andyet,butforanaccident,nothingimportantwouldhaveresulted,perhaps.Themobfoundoutamoststrangething,analmostincrediblething—thatthishandful of soldiers had come on this hardy errandwith empty guns and noammunition.This has been attributed to thoughtlessness, but it couldhardlyhave been that, for in such large emergencies as this, intelligent people dothink.Itmusthavebeenindifference,anover-confidencebornof theprovedsubmissivenessof thenativecharacter,whenconfrontedbyevenoneor twostern Britons in their war paint. But, however that may be, it was a fataldiscovery that themobhadmade.Theywere fullofcourage,now,and theybroke into the fort and massacred the helpless soldiers and their officers.Hastings escaped from Benares by night and got safely away, leaving theprincipality ina stateofwild insurrection;buthewasbackagainwithin the

month,andquieteditdowninhispromptandvirileway,andtooktheRajah'sthroneawayfromhimandgaveittoanotherman.Hewasacapablekindofperson was Warren Hastings. This was the only time he was ever out ofammunition.Someofhisactshaveleftstainsuponhisnamewhichcanneverbewashedaway,buthesavedtoEnglandtheIndianEmpire,andthatwasthebestservicethatwaseverdonetotheIndiansthemselves,thosewretchedheirsofahundredcenturiesofpitilessoppressionandabuse.

CHAPTERLIII.

Trueirreverenceisdisrespectforanotherman'sgod.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.Itwas inBenares that Isawanother livinggod.Thatmakes two. IbelieveIhave seenmostof thegreater and lesserwondersof theworld,but Idonotrememberthatanyoftheminterestedmesooverwhelminglyasdidthatpairofgods.WhenItrytoaccountforthiseffectIfindnodifficultyaboutit.Ifindthat,asarule,whenathingisawondertousitisnotbecauseofwhatweseeinit,butbecause of what others have seen in it. We get almost all our wonders atsecondhand.Weareeagertoseeanycelebratedthing—andweneverfailofourreward;justthedeepprivilegeofgazinguponanobjectwhichhasstirredthe enthusiasm or evoked the reverence or affection or admiration ofmultitudesofourraceisathingwhichwevalue;weareprofoundlygladthatwehaveseenit,wearepermanentlyenrichedfromhavingseenit,wewouldnot partwith thememory of that experience for a great price.And yet thatveryspectaclemaybetheTaj.Youcannotkeepyourenthusiasmsdown,youcannotkeepyouremotionswithinboundswhenthatsoaringbubbleofmarblebreaks upon your view.But these are not your enthusiasms and emotions—they are the accumulated emotions and enthusiasms of a thousand fervidwriters,whohavebeenslowlyandsteadilystoringthemupinyourheartdaybydayandyearbyyearallyour life;andnowtheyburstout inafloodandoverwhelmyou;andyoucouldnotbeawhithappier if theywereyourveryown.Byandbyyousoberdown,and thenyouperceive thatyouhavebeendrunkonthesmellofsomebodyelse'scork.ForeverandeverthememoryofmydistantfirstglimpseoftheTajwillcompensatemeforcreepingaroundtheglobetohavethatgreatprivilege.ButtheTaj—withallyourinflationofdelusiveemotions,acquiredatsecond-handfrompeopletowhominthemajorityofcasestheywerealsodelusionsacquiredatsecond-hand—athingwhichyoufortunatelydidnotthinkoforit

mighthavemadeyoudoubtfulofwhatyouimaginedwereyourownwhatistheTaj as amarvel, a spectacle and an uplifting and overpoweringwonder,comparedwithaliving,breathing,speakingpersonagewhomseveralmillionsofhumanbeingsdevoutlyandsincerelyandunquestioninglybelieve tobeaGod,andhumblyandgratefullyworshipasaGod?He was sixty years old when I saw him. He is called Sri 108 SwamiBhaskaranandaSaraswati.Thatisoneformofit.Ithinkthatthatiswhatyouwould call him in speaking to him—because it is short.But youwould usemoreofhisname in addressinga letter tohim; courtesywould require this.Eventhenyouwouldnothavetouseallofit,butonlythismuch:Sri108Matparamahansrzpairivrajakacharyaswamibhaskaranandasaraswati.Youdonotput"Esq."afterit,forthatisnotnecessary.Thewordwhichopensthevolley is itselfa titleofhonor"Sri."The"108"standsfor therestofhisnames, I believe.Vishnuhas108nameswhichhedoesnot use inbusiness,and no doubt it is a customof gods and a privilege sacred to their order tokeep 108 extra ones in stock. Just the restricted name set down above is ahandsomeproperty,withoutthe108.Bymycountithas58lettersinit.ThisremovesthelongGermanwordsfromcompetition;theyarepermanentlyoutoftherace.Sri108S.B.SaraswatihasattainedtowhatamongtheHindoosiscalledthe"state of perfection." It is a statewhich otherHindoos reach by being bornagain and again, and over and over again into this world, through one re-incarnationafteranother—atiresomelongjobcoveringcenturiesanddecadesofcenturies,andonethatisfullofrisks,too,liketheaccidentofdyingonthewrongsideoftheGangessometimeorotherandwakingupintheformofanass,with a fresh start necessary and thenumerous trips to bemade all overagain.Butinreachingperfection,Sri108S.B.S.hasescapedallthat.Heisno longer a part or a feature of this world; his substance has changed, allearthinesshasdepartedoutof it;he isutterlyholy,utterlypure;nothingcandesecrate this holiness or stain this purity; he is no longer of the earth, itsconcernsarematters foreign tohim, itspainsandgriefsand troublescannotreach him. When he dies, Nirvana is his; he will be absorbed into thesubstanceoftheSupremeDeityandbeatpeaceforever.TheHindooScripturespointouthowthisstateistobereached,butitisonlyonceinathousandyears,perhaps,thatcandidateaccomplishesit.Thisonehastraversed thecourse required, stagebystage, from thebeginning to theend,andnowhasnothing left todobutwait for thecallwhich shall releasehimfromaworldinwhichhehasnownopartnorlot.First,hepassedthroughthestudentstage,andbecamelearnedintheholybooks.Nexthebecamecitizen,householder,husband,andfather.Thatwastherequiredsecondstage.Then—like John Bunyan's Christian he bade perpetual good-bye to his family, as

required,andwentwanderingaway.Hewentfarintothedesertandservedatermashermit.Next,hebecameabeggar,"inaccordancewith the rites laiddown in the Scriptures," and wandered about India eating the bread ofmendicancy.Aquarter of a century agohe reached the stageof purity.Thisneedsnogarment;itssymbolisnudity;hediscardedthewaist-clothwhichhehadpreviouslyworn.Hecouldresumeitnowifhechose,forneitherthatnoranyothercontactcandefilehim;buthedoesnotchoose.Thereareseveralotherstages,Ibelieve,butIdonotrememberwhattheyare.Buthehasbeenthroughthem.Throughoutthelongcoursehewasperfectinghimselfinholylearning,andwritingcommentariesuponthesacredbooks.HewasalsomeditatinguponBrahma,andhedoesthatnow.Whitemarblerelief-portraitsofhimaresoldallaboutIndia.Helivesinagoodhouse in a noble great garden in Benares, all meet and proper to hisstupendous rank. Necessarily he does not go abroad in the streets. Deitieswouldneverbeable tomoveabouthandily inanycountry.Ifonewhomwerecognizedandadoredasagodshouldgoabroadinourstreets,andthedayitwastohappenwereknown,all trafficwouldbeblockedandbusinesswouldcometoastandstill.Thisgodiscomfortablyhoused,andyetmodestly,allthingsconsidered,forifhewantedtoliveinapalacehewouldonlyneedtospeakandhisworshiperswouldgladlybuildit.Sometimesheseesdevoteesforamoment,andcomfortsthem and blesses them, and they kiss his feet and go away happy. Rank isnothing tohim,hebeingagod.Tohimallmenarealike.Heseeswhomhepleasesanddenieshimself towhomhepleases.Sometimeshe seesaprinceanddenieshimselftoapauper;atothertimeshereceivesthepauperandturnstheprinceaway.However,hedoesnotreceivemanyofeitherclass.Hehastohusbandhistimeforhismeditations.IthinkhewouldreceiveRev.Mr.Parkeratanytime.IthinkheissorryforMr.Parker,andIthinkMr.Parkerissorryforhim;andnodoubtthiscompassionisgoodforbothofthem.Whenwearrivedwehadtostandaroundinthegardenalittlewhileandwait,and theoutlookwasnotgood, forhehadbeen turningawayMaharajas thatdayandreceivingonlytheriff-raff,andwebelongedinbetween,somewhere.Butpresently,aservantcameoutsayingitwasallright,hewascoming.And sure enough, he came, and I saw him—that object of the worship ofmillions.Itwasastrangesensation,andthrilling.IwishIcouldfeelitstreamthroughmyveinsagain.Andyet,tomehewasnotagod,hewasonlyaTaj.The thrill was not my thrill, but had come to me secondhand from thoseinvisiblemillionsofbelievers.Byahand-shakewiththeirgodIhadground-circuitedtheirwireandgottheirmonsterbattery'swholecharge.He was tall and slender, indeed emaciated. He had a clean cut and

conspicuously intellectual face, andadeepandkindlyeye.He lookedmanyyearsolderthanhereallywas,butmuchstudyandmeditationandfastingandprayer,with thearid lifehehad ledashermitandbeggar,couldaccount forthat.Heiswhollynudewhenhereceivesnatives,ofwhateverranktheymaybe,buthehadwhiteclotharoundhisloinsnow,aconcessiontoMr.Parker'sEuropeanprejudices,nodoubt.AssoonasIhadsobereddownalittlewegotalongverywelltogether,andIfound him a most pleasant and friendly deity. He had heard a deal aboutChicago,andshowedaquiteremarkableinterestinit,foragod.ItallcameoftheWorld'sFairandtheCongressofReligions.IfIndiaknowsaboutnothingelseAmerican,sheknowsaboutthose,andwillkeeptheminmindonewhile.Heproposedanexchangeofautographs,adelicateattentionwhichmademebelieveinhim,butIhadbeenhavingmydoubtsbefore.Hewrotehis inhisbook,andIhaveareverentregardfor thatbook, thoughthewordsrunfromright to left, and so I can't read it. It was amistake to print in thatway. ItcontainshisvoluminouscommentsontheHindooholywritings,andifIcouldmake them out I would try for perfection myself. I gave him a copy ofHuckleberryFinn.IthoughtitmightresthimupalittletomixitinalongwithhismeditationsonBrahma,forhelookedtired,andIknewthatifitdidn'tdohimanygooditwouldn'tdohimanyharm.Hehasascholarmeditatingunderhim—MinaBahadurRana—butwedidnotsee him. He wears clothes and is very imperfect. He has written a littlepamphlet about his master, and I have that. It contains a wood-cut of themasterandhimselfseatedonaruginthegarden.Theportraitofthemasterisverygood indeed.Theposture isexactly thatwhichBrahmahimselfaffects,and it requires long arms and limber legs, and can be accumulated only bygodsandtheindia-rubberman.Thereisalife-sizemarblereliefofShri108,S.B.S.inthegarden.Itrepresentshiminthissameposture.Dearme!Itisastrangeworld.ParticularlytheIndiandivisionofit.Thispupil,MinaBahadurRana,isnotacommonplaceperson,butamanofdistinguishedcapacities and attainments, and, apparently, he had a fineworldly career infrontofhim.HewasservingtheNepalGovernmentinahighcapacityattheCourt of the Viceroy of India, twenty years ago. He was an able man,educated,athinker,amanofproperty.Butthelongingtodevotehimselftoareligiouslifecameuponhim,andheresignedhisplace,turnedhisbackuponthevanitiesandcomfortsoftheworld,andwentawayintothesolitudestoliveinahutandstudythesacredwritingsandmeditateuponvirtueandholinessand seek to attain them. This sort of religion resembles ours. Christrecommended the rich to give away all their property and follow Him inpoverty,notinworldlycomfort.AmericanandEnglishmillionairesdoiteveryday,andthusverifyandconfirmtotheworldthetremendousforcesthatliein

religion.Yetmanypeoplescoffatthemforthisloyaltytoduty,andmanywillscoff atMinaBahadurRana and call him a crank. LikemanyChristians ofgreatcharacterandintellect,hehasmadethestudyofhisScripturesandthewritingofbooksofcommentariesuponthemthelovinglaborofhislife.Likethem,hehasbelievedthathiswasnotanidleandfoolishwasteofhislife,butamostworthy and honorable employment of it.Yet, there aremany peoplewhowillseeinthoseothers,menworthyofhomageanddeepreverence,butinhimmerelyacrank.ButIshallnot.Hehasmyreverence.AndIdon'tofferit as a common thing and poor, but as an unusual thing and of value. Theordinary reverence, the reverence defined and explained by the dictionarycostsnothing.Reverenceforone'sownsacredthings—parents,religion,flag,laws,and respect forone'sownbeliefs—theseare feelingswhichwecannotevenhelp.Theycomenaturaltous;theyareinvoluntary,likebreathing.Thereis no personal merit in breathing. But the reverence which is difficult, andwhich has personal merit in it, is the respect which you pay, withoutcompulsion,tothepoliticalorreligiousattitudeofamanwhosebeliefsarenotyours.Youcan'treverehisgodsorhispolitics,andnooneexpectsyoutodothat,butyoucouldrespecthisbeliefinthemifyoutriedhardenough;andyoucouldrespecthim,too,ifyoutriedhardenough.Butitisvery,verydifficult;itisnexttoimpossible,andsowehardlyevertry.Ifthemandoesn'tbelieveaswe do, we say he is a crank, and that settles it. I mean it does nowadays,becausenowwecan'tburnhim.We are always canting about people's "irreverence," always charging thisoffenseuponsomebodyorother,andtherebyintimatingthatwearebetterthanthatpersonanddonotcommitthatoffenseourselves.Wheneverwedothisweareinalyingattitude,andourspeechiscant;fornoneofusarereverent—inameritorious way; deep down in our hearts we are all irreverent. There isprobablynotasingleexceptiontothisruleintheearth.Thereisprobablynotone person whose reverence rises higher than respect for his own sacredthings;andtherefore,itisnotathingtoboastaboutandbeproudof,sincethemostdegradedsavagehasthat—and,likethebestofus,hasnothinghigher.Tospeakplainly,wedespiseallreverencesandallobjectsofreverencewhichareoutside the pale of our own list of sacred things. And yet, with strangeinconsistency,weareshockedwhenotherpeopledespiseanddefilethethingswhich are holy to us. Suppose we should meet with a paragraph like thefollowing,inthenewspapers:"Yesterday a visiting party of the British nobility had a picnic at MountVernon,andinthetombofWashingtontheyatetheirluncheon,sangpopularsongs,playedgames,anddancedwaltzesandpolkas."Should we be shocked? Should we feel outraged? Should we be amazed?Shouldwecalltheperformanceadesecration?Yes,thatwouldallhappen.We

shoulddenouncethosepeopleinroundterms,andcallthemhardnames.Andsupposewefoundthisparagraphinthenewspapers:"Yesterday a visiting party of American pork-millionaires had a picnic inWestminster Abbey, and in that sacred place they ate their luncheon, sangpopularsongs,playedgames,anddancedwaltzesandpolkas."Would the English be shocked? Would they feel outraged? Would they beamazed? Would they call the performance a desecration? That would allhappen. The pork-millionaires would be denounced in round terms; theywouldbecalledhardnames.InthetombatMountVernonlietheashesofAmerica'smosthonoredson;inthe Abbey, the ashes of England's greatest dead; the tomb of tombs, thecostliest in the earth, thewonder of theworld, theTaj,was built by a greatEmperor to honor thememory of a perfectwife and perfectmother, one inwhom therewas no spot or blemish, whose lovewas his stay and support,whose lifewas the light of theworld to him; in it her ashes lie, and to theMohammedanmillionsof India it is a holyplace; to them it iswhatMountVernonistoAmericans,itiswhattheAbbeyistotheEnglish.MajorSleemanwrotefortyorfiftyyearsago(theitalicsaremine):"IwouldhereentermyhumbleprotestagainstthequadrilleandlunchpartieswhicharesometimesgiventoEuropeanladiesandgentlemenofthestationatthis imperial tomb; drinking and dancing are no doubt very good things intheirseason,buttheyaresadlyoutofplaceinasepulchre."Were there anyAmericans among those lunch parties? If theywere invited,therewere.If my imagined lunch-parties in Westminster and the tomb of Washingtonshouldtakeplace,theincidentwouldcauseavastoutbreakofbittereloquenceaboutBarbarismandIrreverence;anditwouldcomefromtwosetsofpeoplewhowouldgonextdayanddanceintheTajiftheyhadachance.AswetookourleaveoftheBenaresgodandstartedawaywenoticedagroupofnativeswaitingrespectfullyjustwithinthegate—aRajahfromsomewhereinIndia,andsomepeopleof lesserconsequence.Thegodbeckonedthemtocome,andaswepassedouttheRajahwaskneelingandreverentlykissinghissacredfeet.IfBarnum—butBarnum's ambitions are at rest.Thisgodwill remain in theholypeaceandseclusionofhisgarden,undisturbed.Barnumcouldnothavegottenhim,anyway.Still,hewouldhavefoundasubstitutethatwouldanswer.

CHAPTERLIV.

Do not undervalue the headache.While it is at its sharpest it seems a badinvestment; but when relief begins, the unexpired remainder is worth $4 aminute.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.Acomfortablerailwayjourneyofseventeenandahalfhoursbroughtustothecapital of India, which is likewise the capital of Bengal—Calcutta. LikeBombay,ithasapopulationofnearlyamillionnativesandasmallgatheringofwhitepeople.Itisahugecityandfine,andiscalledtheCityofPalaces.Itisrichinhistoricalmemories;richinBritishachievement—military,political,commercial; rich in the resultsof themiraclesdoneby thatbraceofmightymagicians, Clive and Hastings. And has a cloud kissing monument to oneOchterlony.Itisaflutedcandlestick250feethigh.ThislingamistheonlylargemonumentinCalcutta,Ibelieve.Itisafineornament,andwillkeepOchterlonyinmind.Wherever you are, in Calcutta, and for miles around, you can see it; andalwayswhenyouseeityouthinkofOchterlony.AndsothereisnotanhourinthedaythatyoudonotthinkofOchterlonyandwonderwhohewas.ItisgoodthatClivecannotcomeback,forhewouldthinkitwasforPlassey;andthenthatgreatspiritwouldbewoundedwhentherevelationcamethatitwasnot.Clive would find out that it was for Ochterlony; and he would thinkOchterlonywasabattle.Andhewould think itwasagreatone, too,andhewould say, "With three thousand Iwhipped sixty thousand and founded theEmpire—and there isnomonument; thisother soldiermusthavewhippedabillionwithadozenandsavedtheworld."But hewould bemistaken.Ochterlonywas aman, not a battle.Andhe didgoodandhonorable service, too; asgoodandhonorable serviceashasbeendone in India by seventy-five or a hundred other Englishmen of courage,rectitude, and distinguished capacity. For India has been a fertile breeding-groundofsuchmen,andremainsso;greatmen,bothinwarandinthecivilservice,andasmodestasgreat.But theyhavenomonuments,andwerenotexpectingany.Ochterlonycouldnothavebeenexpectingone,anditisnotatalllikelythathedesiredone—certainlynotuntilCliveandHastingsshouldbesupplied.EverydayCliveandHastingsleanonthebattlementsofheavenandlookdownandwonderwhichof the two themonument is for;and they fretandworrybecausetheycannotfindout,andsothepeaceofheavenisspoiledfor them and lost. But not for Ochterlony. Ochterlony is not troubled. Hedoesn'tsuspectthatitishismonument.Heavenissweetandpeacefultohim.Thereisasortofunfairnessaboutitall.Indeed,ifmonumentswerealwaysgiveninIndiaforhighachievements,duty

straitly performed, and smirchless records, the landscape would bemonotonous with them. The handful of English in India govern the Indianmyriads with apparent ease, and without noticeable friction, through tact,training,anddistinguishedadministrativeability,reinforcedbyjustandliberallaws—andbykeepingtheirwordtothenativewhenevertheygiveit.England is far from India and knows little about the eminent servicesperformed by her servants there, for it is the newspaper correspondentwhomakes fame, and he is not sent to India but to the continent, to report thedoings of the princelets and the dukelets, and where they are visiting andwhomtheyaremarrying.OftenaBritishofficialspendsthirtyorfortyyearsinIndia, climbing from grade to grade by services which would make himcelebratedanywhereelse,andfinishesasavice-sovereign,governingagreatrealm andmillions of subjects; then he goes home to England substantiallyunknownandunheardof,andsettlesdowninsomemodestcorner,andisasoneextinguished.Tenyearslaterthereisatwenty-lineobituaryintheLondonpapers,andthereaderisparalyzedbythesplendorsofacareerwhichheisnotsurethathehadeverheardofbefore.Butmeanwhilehehaslearnedallaboutthecontinentalprinceletsanddukelets.Theaveragemanisprofoundlyignorantofcountriesthatlieremotefromhisown.Whentheyarementionedinhispresenceoneortwofactsandmaybeacoupleofnamesriseliketorchesinhismind,lightingupaninchortwoofitand leaving the rest all dark. Themention of Egypt suggests someBiblicalfactsand thePyramids-nothingmore.ThementionofSouthAfrica suggestsKimberly and the diamonds and there an end. Formerly the mention, to aHindoo, of America suggested a name—GeorgeWashington—with that hisfamiliaritywithourcountrywasexhausted.Latterlyhisfamiliaritywithithasdoubledinbulk;sothatwhenAmericaismentionednow,twotorchesflareupinthedarkcavernsofhismindandhesays,"Ah,thecountryofthegreatmanWashington; and of the Holy City—Chicago." For he knows about theCongressofReligion,andthishasenabledhimtogetanerroneousimpressionofChicago.When India is mentioned to the citizen of a far country it suggests Clive,Hastings, theMutiny, Kipling, and a number of other great events; and themention ofCalcutta infallibly brings up theBlackHole.And so,when thatcitizenfindshimselfinthecapitalofIndiahegoesfirstofalltoseetheBlackHoleofCalcutta—andisdisappointed.TheBlackHolewasnotpreserved;itisgone,long,longago.Itisstrange.Justasitstood,itwasitselfamonument;aready-madeone.Itwasfinished,itwascomplete,itsmaterialswerestrongandlasting,itneedednofurbishingup,norepairs;itmerelyneededtobeletalone.Itwasthefirstbrick,theFoundationStone,uponwhichwasrearedamightyEmpire—theIndianEmpireofGreat

Britain.ItwastheghastlyepisodeoftheBlackHolethatmaddenedtheBritishandbroughtClive,thatyoungmilitarymarvel,ragingupfromMadras;itwasthe seed from which sprung Plassey; and it was that extraordinary battle,whoselikehadnotbeenseenintheearthsinceAgincourt,thatlaiddeepandstrongthefoundationsofEngland'scolossalIndiansovereignty.Andyetwithinthetimeofmenwhostilllive,theBlackHolewastorndownandthrownawayascarelesslyasifitsbrickswerecommonclay,notingotsofhistoricgold.Thereisnoaccountingforhumanbeings.The supposed site of theBlackHole ismarkedby an engravedplate. I sawthat; and better that than nothing. The Black Hole was a prison—a cell isnearer the right word—eighteen feet square, the dimensions of an ordinarybedchamber;andintothisplacethevictoriousNabobofBengalpacked146ofhis English prisoners. Therewas hardly standing room for them; scarcely abreath of airwas to be got; the timewas night, theweather sweltering hot.Before the dawn came, the captives were all dead but twenty-three. Mr.Holwell's long account of the awful episode was familiar to the world ahundredyearsago,butoneseldomseesinprintevenanextractfromitinourday.Amongthestrikingthingsinitisthis.Mr.Holwell,perishingwiththirst,kepthimselfalivebysuckingtheperspirationfromhissleeves.Itgivesoneavividideaofthesituation.HepresentlyfoundthatwhilehewasbusydrawinglifefromoneofhissleevesayoungEnglishgentlemanwasstealingsuppliesfromtheotherone.Holwellwasanunselfishman,amanofthemostgenerousimpulses;helivedanddiedfamousforthesefineandrarequalities;yetwhenhe found out what was happening to that unwatched sleeve, he took theprecautiontosuckthatonedryfirst.ThemiseriesoftheBlackHolewereableto change even a nature like his. But that young gentlemanwas one of thetwenty-threesurvivors,andhesaiditwasthestolenperspirationthatsavedhislife.FromthemiddleofMr.Holwell'snarrativeIwillmakeabriefexcerpt:"ThenageneralprayertoHeaven,tohastentheapproachoftheflamestotheright and left of us, and put a period to ourmisery. But these failing, theywhose strength and spirits were quite exhausted laid themselves down andexpiredquietlyupontheirfellows:otherswhohadyetsomestrengthandvigorleftmadea lasteffortat thewindows,andseveralsucceededby leapingandscramblingoverthebacksandheadsofthoseinthefirstrank,andgotholdofthebars,fromwhichtherewasnoremovingthem.Manytotherightandleftsunkwith the violent pressure, and were soon suffocated; for now a steamarosefromthelivingandthedead,whichaffectedusinallitscircumstancesasifwewereforciblyheldwithourheadsoverabowlfullofstrongvolatilespirit of hartshorn, until suffocated; nor could the effluvia of the one bedistinguished from the other, and frequently,when Iwas forced by the loaduponmyheadandshoulders toholdmyfacedown,Iwasobliged,nearasI

wastothewindow,instantlytoraiseitagaintoavoidsuffocation.Ineednot,mydear friend, askyourcommiseration,when I tellyou, that in thisplight,from half an hour past eleven till near two in the morning, I sustained theweight of a heavyman,with his knees inmy back, and the pressure of hiswholebodyonmyhead.ADutchsurgeonwhohadtakenhisseatuponmyleftshoulder, and a Topaz (a black Christian soldier) bearing on my right; allwhichnothingcouldhaveenabledme to supportbut thepropsandpressureequally sustaining me all around. The two latter I frequently dislodged byshiftingmyholdonthebarsanddrivingmyknucklesintotheirribs;butmyfriendabovestuckfast,heldimmovablebytwobars."Iexertedanewmystrengthandfortitude;buttherepeatedtrialsandeffortsImade to dislodge the insufferable incumbrances upon me at last quiteexhaustedme; and towards two o'clock, finding Imust quit the window orsinkwhereIwas,Iresolvedontheformer,havingbore,trulyforthesakeofothers, infinitelymore for life than thebest of it isworth. In the rank closebehindmewasanofficerofoneoftheships,whosenamewasCary,andwhohad behaved with much bravery during the siege (his wife, a fine woman,though country born, would not quit him, but accompanied him into theprison,andwasonewhosurvived).Thispoorwretchhadbeenlongravingforwaterandair;ItoldhimIwasdeterminedtogiveuplife,andrecommendedhisgainingmystation.Onmyquittingithemadeafruitlessattempttogetmyplace;but theDutchsurgeon,whosatonmyshoulder,supplantedhim.PoorCaryexpressedhisthankfulness,andsaidhewouldgiveuplifetoo;butitwaswiththeutmostlaborweforcedourwayfromthewindow(severalintheinnerranksappearing tomedead standing,unable to fallby the throngandequalpressurearound).He laidhimselfdown todie; andhisdeath, Ibelieve,wasvery sudden; forhewasa short, full, sanguineman.His strengthwasgreat;and,I imagine,hadhenotretiredwithme,Ishouldneverhavebeenable toforcemyway.Iwasatthistimesensibleofnopain,andlittleuneasiness;Icangive you no better idea ofmy situation than by repeatingmy simile of thebowlofspiritofhartshorn.Ifoundastuporcomingonapace,andlaidmyselfdownbythatgallantoldman,theRev.Mr.JervasBellamy,wholaiddeadwithhisson,thelieutenant,handinhand,nearthesouthernmostwalloftheprison.WhenIhadlain theresomelittle time,IstillhadreflectionenoughtosuffersomeuneasinessinthethoughtthatIshouldbetrampledupon,whendead,asImyselfhaddonetoothers.WithsomedifficultyIraisedmyself,andgainedtheplatformasecondtime,whereIpresentlylostallsensation;thelasttraceofsensibilitythatIhavebeenabletorecollectaftermylayingdown,wasmysash being uneasy aboutmywaist, which I untied, and threw fromme. Ofwhatpassed in this interval, to the timeofmyresurrectionfromthisholeofhorrors,Icangiveyounoaccount."TherewasplentytoseeinCalcutta,buttherewasnotplentyoftimeforit.I

saw the fort that Clive built; and the placewhereWarrenHastings and theauthoroftheJuniusLettersfoughttheirduel;andthegreatbotanicalgardens;andthefashionableafternoonturnoutintheMaidan;andagrandreviewofthegarrisoninagreatplainatsunrise;andamilitarytournament inwhichgreatbodiesofnative soldiery exhibited theperfectionof their drill at all arms, aspectacularandbeautifulshowoccupyingseveralnightsandclosingwiththemimicstormingofanativefortwhichwasasgoodastherealityforthrillingandaccuratedetail,andbetterthantherealityforsecurityandcomfort;wehadapleasureexcursionon the 'Hoogly'bycourtesyof friends,anddevoted therest of the time to social life and the Indian museum. One should spend amonth in the museum, an enchanted palace of Indian antiquities. Indeed, aperson might spend half a year among the beautiful and wonderful thingswithoutexhaustingtheirinterest.Itwaswinter.WewereofKipling's"hostsoftouristswhotravelupanddownIndia in thecoldweather showinghow thingsought tobemanaged." It is acommon expression there, "the coldweather," and the people think there issuch a thing. It is because they have lived there half a lifetime, and theirperceptionshavebecomeblunted.Whenapersonisaccustomedto138intheshade, his ideas about cold weather are not valuable. I had read, in thehistories,thattheJunemarchesmadebetweenLucknowandCawnporebytheBritishforcesinthetimeoftheMutinyweremadeinthatkindofweather—138 in the shade—and had taken it for historical embroidery. I had read itagaininSerjeant-MajorForbes-Mitchell'saccountofhismilitaryexperiencesintheMutiny—atleastIthoughtIhad—andinCalcuttaIaskedhimifitwastrue,andhesaiditwas.AnofficerofhighrankwhohadbeeninthethickoftheMutinysaidthesame.Aslongasthosemenweretalkingaboutwhattheyknew, theyweretrustworthy,andIbelievedthem;butwhentheysaid itwasnow "coldweather," I saw that they had traveled outside of their sphere ofknowledge and were floundering. I believe that in India "cold weather" ismerelyaconventionalphraseandhascomeintousethroughthenecessityofhavingsomewaytodistinguishbetweenweatherwhichwillmeltabrassdoor-knobandweatherwhichwillonlymakeitmushy.ItwasobservablethatbrassoneswereinusewhileIwasinCalcutta,showingthatitwasnotyettimetochangetoporcelain;Iwastoldthechangetoporcelainwasnotusuallymadeuntil May. But this cold weather was too warm for us; so we started toDarjeeling,intheHimalayas—atwenty-fourhourjourney.

CHAPTERLV.

Thereare869differentformsoflying,butonlyoneofthemhasbeensquarely

forbidden.Thoushaltnotbearfalsewitnessagainstthyneighbor.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.FROMDIARY:February 14. We left at 4:30 P.M. Until dark we moved through richvegetation,thenchangedtoaboatandcrossedtheGanges.February15.Upwiththesun.Abrilliantmorning,andfrosty.Adoublesuitofflannelsisfoundnecessary.Theplainisperfectlylevel,andseemstostretchawayandawayandaway,dimmingandsoftening,totheuttermostboundsofnowhere. What a soaring, strenuous, gushing fountain spray of delicategreenery a bunch of bamboo is! As far as the eye can reach, these grandvegetablegeysersgracetheview,theirspoutingsrefinedtosteambydistance.Andtherearefieldsofbananas,withthesunshineglancingfromthevarnishedsurfaceoftheirdroopingvastleaves.Andtherearefrequentgrovesofpalm;andaneffectiveaccentisgiventothelandscapebyisolatedindividualsofthispicturesque family, towering, clean-stemmed, their plumes broken andhanging ragged, Nature's imitation of an umbrella that has been out to seewhatacycloneislikeandistryingnottolookdisappointed.Andeverywherethroughthesoftmorningvistasweglimpsethevillages,thecountlessvillages,themyriad villages, thatched, built of clean newmatting, snuggling amonggroupedpalmsandsheavesofbamboo;villages,villages,noendofvillages,notthreehundredyardsapart,anddozensanddozensoftheminsightallthetime;amightyCity,hundredsofmileslong,hundredsofmilesbroad,madeallof villages, the biggest city in the earth, and as populous as a Europeankingdom.Ihaveseennosuchcityasthisbefore.Andthereisacontinuouslyrepeated and replenishedmultitudeofnakedmen inviewonboth sides andahead.We fly through itmile aftermile,but still it is always there,onbothsidesandahead—brown-bodied,nakedmenandboys,plowing in thefields.But not a woman. In these two hours I have not seen a woman or a girlworkinginthefields.Thosearebeautifulverses,andtheyhaveremainedinmymemoryallmylife.Butiftheclosinglinesaretrue,letushopethatwhenwecometoanswerthecallanddeliverthelandfromitserrors,weshallsecretefromitsomeofourhigh-civilizationways,andatthesametimeborrowsomeofitspaganwaystoenrichourhighsystemwith.Wehavearighttodothis.Ifweliftthosepeopleup, we have a right to lift ourselves up nine or ten grades or so, at theirexpense. A few years ago I spent several weeks at Tolz, in Bavaria. It is aRomanCatholicregion,andnotevenBenaresismoredeeplyorpervasivelyorintelligentlydevout.InmydiaryofthosedaysIfindthis:"Wetookalongdriveyesterdayaroundaboutthelovelycountryroads.Butitwasadrivewhosepleasurewasdamagedinacoupleofways:bythedreadful

shrinesandbytheshamefulspectacleofgrayandvenerableoldgrandmotherstoilinginthefields.Theshrineswerefrequentalongtheroads—figuresoftheSaviournailedtothecrossandstreamingwithbloodfromthewoundsofthenailsandthethorns."Whenmissionaries go fromheredo they find faultwith thepagan idols? Isawmanywomenseventyandeveneightyyearsoldmowingandbindinginthefields,andpitchforkingtheloadsintothewagons."I was in Austria later, and in Munich. In Munich I saw gray old womenpushingtrucksuphillanddown, longdistances, trucksladenwithbarrelsofbeer,incredibleloads.InmyAustriandiaryIfindthis:"InthefieldsIoftenseeawomanandacowharnessedtotheplow,andamandriving."In the public street ofMarienbad to-day, I saw an old, bent, gray-fheadedwoman,inharnesswithadog,drawingaladensledoverbaredirtroadsandbarepavements; and at his easewalked thedriver, smokinghis pipe, a halefellownotthirtyyearsold."FiveorsixyearsagoIboughtanopenboat,madeakindofacanvaswagon-roofoverthesternofittosheltermefromsunandrain;hiredacourierandaboatman,andmadeatwelve-dayfloatingvoyagedowntheRhonefromLakeBourgettoMarseilles.InmydiaryofthattripIfindthisentry.IwasfardowntheRhonethen:"Passing St. Etienne, 2:15 P.M. On a distant ridge inland, a tall openworkstructurecommandinglysituated,withastatueoftheVirginstandingonit.Adevoutcountry.Alldownthisriver,whereverthereisacragthereisastatueoftheVirginon it. Ibelieve Ihave seenahundredof them.Andyet, inmanyrespects, the peasantry seem to be mere pagans, and destitute of anyconsiderabledegreeofcivilization."....Wereachedanotverypromisinglookingvillageabout4o'clock,andIconcluded to tie up for the day;munching fruit and fogging the hoodwithpipe-smokehadgrownmonotonous;Icouldnothavethehoodfurled,becausethefloodsofrainfellunceasingly.Thetavernwasontheriverbank,asisthecustom.Itwasdullthere,andmelancholy—nothingtodobutlookoutofthewindowintothedrenchingrain,andshiver;onecoulddothat,foritwasbleakand cold andwindy, and countryFrance furnishes no fire.Winter overcoatsdidnothelpmemuch;theyhadtobesupplementedwithrugs.Theraindropswere so large and struck the riverwith such force that they knockedup thewaterlikepebble-splashes."With the exception of a very occasionalwoodenshod peasant, nobodywasabroadinthisbitterweather—Imeannobodyofoursex.Butallweathersarealike to the women in these continental countries. To them and the other

animals, life is serious; nothing interrupts their slavery.Three of themwerewashing clothes in the river under the window when I arrived, and theycontinued at it as long as there was light to work by. One was apparentlythirty; another—the mother!—above fifty; the third—grandmother!—so oldandwornandgrayshecouldhavepassedforeighty;Itookhertobethatold.They had no waterproofs nor rubbers, of course; over their shoulders theyworegunnysacks—simplyconductorsforriversofwater;someofthevolumereachedtheground;therestsoakedinontheway."Atlastavigorousfellowofthirty-fivearrived,dryandcomfortable,smokinghis pipe under his big umbrella in an open donkey-cart-husband, son, andgrandson of those women! He stood up in the cart, sheltering himself, andbegantosuperintend, issuinghisorders inamasterly toneofcommand,andshowingtemperwhentheywerenotobeyedswiftlyenough."Withoutcomplaintormurmur thedrownedwomenpatientlycarriedout theorders,liftingtheimmensebasketsofsoggy,wrung-outclothingintothecartand stowing them to the man's satisfaction. There were six of the greatbaskets,andamanofmereordinarystrengthcouldnothaveliftedanyoneofthem.Thecartbeingfullnow,theFrenchmandescended,stillshelteredbyhisumbrella, entered the tavern, and the women went drooping homeward,trudginginthewakeof thecart,andsoonwereblendedwiththedelugeandlosttosight."When Iwent down into the public room, the Frenchman had his bottle ofwineandplateoffoodonabaretableblackwithgrease,andwas'chomping'likeahorse.Hehadthelittlereligiouspaperwhichisineverybody'shandsontheRhoneborders,andwasenlighteninghimselfwiththehistoriesofFrenchsaints who used to flee to the desert in the Middle Ages to escape thecontamination of woman. For two hundred years France has been sendingmissionaries to other savage lands. To spare to the needy frompoverty likehersisfineandtruegenerosity."ButtogetbacktoIndia—where,asmyfavoritepoemsays—"Everyprospectpleases,Andonlymanisvile."It is because Bavaria and Austria and France have not introduced theircivilizationtohimyet.ButBavariaandAustriaandFranceareontheirway.They are coming.Theywill rescuehim; theywill refine the vileness out ofhim.Sometimeduringtheforenoon,approachingthemountains,wechangedfromtheregulartraintoonecomposedoflittlecanvas-shelteredcarsthatskimmedalongwithinafootofthegroundandseemedtobegoingfiftymilesanhourwhentheywerereallymakingabouttwenty.Eachcarhadseatingcapacityfor

half-a-dozenpersons;andwhenthecurtainswereuponewassubstantiallyoutofdoors,andcouldseeeverywhere,andgetallthebreeze,andbeluxuriouslycomfortable.Itwasnotapleasureexcursioninnameonly,butinfact.Afterawhilewestoppedata littlewoodencoopofastation justwithin thecurtain of the sombre jungle, a placewith a deep and dense forest of greattreesandscrubandvinesallaboutit.TheroyalBengaltigerisingreatforcethere, and is very bold and unconventional. From this lonely little station amessageoncewenttotherailwaymanagerinCalcutta:"Tigereatingstation-masteronfrontporch;telegraphinstructions."ItwastherethatIhadmyfirsttigerhunt.Ikilledthirteen.Wewerepresentlyawayagain, and the trainbegan to climb themountains. Inoneplace sevenwild elephants crossed the track, but two of them got away before I couldovertake them. The railway journey up the mountain is forty miles, and ittakes eight hours to make it. It is so wild and interesting and exciting andenchantingthatitoughttotakeaweek.Asforthevegetation,itisamuseum.Thejungleseemedtocontainsamplesofeveryrareandcurioustreeandbushthatwe had ever seen or heard of. It is from thatmuseum, I think, that theglobemusthavebeensuppliedwiththetreesandvinesandshrubsthatitholdsprecious.The road is infinitely and charmingly crooked. It goes winding in and outunderloftycliffsthataresmotheredinvinesandfoliage,andaroundtheedgesof bottomless chasms; and all the way one glides by files of picturesquenatives,somecarryingburdensup,othersgoingdownfromtheirworkinthetea-gardens;andoncetherewasagaudyweddingprocession,allbrighttinselandcolor,andabride,comelyandgirlish,whopeepedoutfromthecurtainsofherpalanquin,exposingherfacewith thatpuredelightwhichtheyoungandhappytakeinsinforsin'sownsake.Byandbywewerewellupintheregionoftheclouds,andfromthatbreezyheightwelookeddownandafaroverawonderfulpicture—thePlainsofIndia,stretchingtothehorizon,softandfair,levelasafloor,shimmeringwithheat,mottled with cloud-shadows, and cloven with shining rivers. Immediatelybelowus,and recedingdown,down,down, toward thevalley,wasa shavenconfusion of hilltops, with ribbony roads and paths squirming and snakingcream-yellow all over them and about them, every curve and twist sharplydistinct.At an elevation of 6,000 feet we entered a thick cloud, and it shut out theworld and kept it shut out. We climbed 1,000 feet higher, then began todescend,andpresentlygotdowntoDarjeeling,whichis6,000feetabovethelevelofthePlains.Wehadpassedmanyamountainvillageon thewayup,andseensomenew

kindsofnatives,amongthemmanysamplesofthefightingGhurkas.Theyarenot largemen, but they are strong and resolute.There arenobetter soldiersamong Britain's native troops. And we had passed shoals of their womenclimbing the forty miles of steep road from the valley to their mountainhomes,with tallbasketson theirbackshitched to their foreheadsbyaband,andcontainingafreightageweighing—Iwillnotsayhowmanyhundredsofpounds, for the sum is unbelievable. These were young women, and theystrodesmartlyalongundertheseastonishingburdenswiththeairofpeopleoutforaholiday.Iwastoldthatawomanwillcarryapianoonherbackall thewayupthemountain;andthatmorethanonceawomanhaddoneit.Ifthesewere oldwomen I should regard theGhurkas as nomore civilized than theEuropeans. At the railway station at Darjeeling you find plenty of cab-substitutes—open coffins, in which you sit, and are then borne on men'sshouldersupthesteeproadsintothetown.Uptherewefoundafairlycomfortablehotel,thepropertyofanindiscriminateandincoherentlandlord,wholooksafternothing,butleaveseverythingtohisarmyofIndianservants.No,hedoeslookafterthebill—tobejust tohim—and the tourist cannot do better than follow his example. I was told by aresident that the summit ofKinchinjunga is often hidden in the clouds, andthatsometimesatouristhaswaitedtwenty-twodaysandthenbeenobligedtogoawaywithoutasightofit.Andyetwentnotdisappointed;forwhenhegothis hotel bill he recognized that hewas now seeing the highest thing in theHimalayas.Butthisisprobablyalie.AfterlecturingIwenttotheClubthatnight,andthatwasacomfortableplace.Itisloftilysituated,andlooksoutoveravastspreadofscenery;fromityoucan seewhere the boundaries of three countries come together, some thirtymilesaway;Thibet isoneof them,Nepaulanother,andI thinkHerzegovinawastheother.Apparently,ineverytownandcityinIndiathegentlemenoftheBritishcivil andmilitary servicehaveaclub; sometimes it is apalatialone,alwaysitispleasantandhomelike.Thehotelsarenotalwaysasgoodastheymight be, and the stranger who has access to the Club is grateful for hisprivilegeandknowshowtovalueit.Next daywas Sunday. Friends came in the gray dawnwith horses, andmyparty rode away to a distant point where Kinchinjunga andMount Everestshowupbest,butIstayedathomeforaprivateview;foritwasverycold,andIwasnotacquaintedwiththehorses,anyway.Igotapipeandafewblanketsandsatfortwohoursatthewindow,andsawthesundriveawaytheveilinggrayand touchup the snow-peaksoneafter anotherwithpalepink splashesanddelicatewashesofgold,andfinallyfloodthewholemightyconvulsionofsnow-mountainswithadelugeofrichsplendors.Kinchinjunga'speakwasbut fitfullyvisible,but in thebetween times itwas

vividly clear against the sky—away up there in the blue dome more than28,000feetabovesealevel—theloftiestlandIhadeverseen,by12,000feetormore.Itwas45milesaway.MountEverestisathousandfeethigher,butitwasnotapartofthatseaofmountainspileduptherebeforeme,soIdidnotseeit;butIdidnotcare,becauseIthinkthatmountainsthatareashighasthataredisagreeable.I changed from the back to the front of the house and spent the rest of themorning there, watching the swarthy strange tribes flock by from their farhomes in theHimalayas.All ages and both sexeswere represented, and thebreedswerequitenewtome,thoughthecostumesoftheThibetansmadethemlookagooddeallikeChinamen.Theprayer-wheelwasafrequentfeature.Itbrought me near to these people, and made them seem kinfolk of mine.Throughourpreacherwedomuchofourprayingbyproxy.Wedonotwhirlhimaroundastick,astheydo,butthatismerelyadetail.Theswarmswungbrisklyby,hourafterhour,astrangeandstrikingpageant.Itwaswasted there, and it seemed a pity. It should have been sent streamingthrough the cities of Europe or America, to refresh eyes weary of the palemonotoniesofthecircus-pageant.Thesepeoplewereboundforthebazar,withthingstosell.Wewentdownthere, later,andsawthatnovelcongressof thewild peoples, and plowed here and there through it, and concluded that itwould be worth coming from Calcutta to see, even if there were noKinchinjungaandEverest.

CHAPTERLVI.

There are two times in aman's lifewhen he should not speculate:when hecan'taffordit,andwhenhecan.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.OnMondayandTuesdayatsunriseweagainhadfair-to-middlingviewsofthestupendous mountains; then, being well cooled off and refreshed, we werereadytochancetheweatherofthelowerworldoncemore.Wetraveleduphillbytheregulartrainfivemilestothesummit,thenchangedtoalittlecanvas-canopiedhand-carforthe35-miledescent.Itwasthesizeofasleigh,ithadsixseatsandwassolowthatitseemedtorestontheground.Ithadnoengineorotherpropellingpower,andneedednonetohelpitflydownthosesteepinclines.Itonlyneededastrongbrake,tomodifyitsflight,andithadthat.Therewasastoryofadisastroustripmadedownthemountainoncein this littlecarby theLieutenant-GovernorofBengal,whenthecar jumpedthe track and threw its passengers over a precipice. Itwas not true, but the

story had value for me, for it made me nervous, and nervousness wakes apersonupandmakeshimaliveandalert,andheightensthethrillofanewanddoubtfulexperience.Thecarcouldreallyjumpthetrack,ofcourse;apebbleonthetrack,placedtherebyeitheraccidentormalice,atasharpcurvewhereonemight strike itbefore theeyecoulddiscover it, couldderail thecarandflingitdownintoIndia;andthefactthatthelieutenant-governorhadescapedwas no proof that Iwould have the same luck.And standing there, lookingdownupon theIndianEmpire fromtheairyaltitudeof7,000feet, it seemedunpleasantlyfar,dangerouslyfar,tobeflungfromahandcar.Butafterall,therewasbutsmalldanger—forme.Whattherewas,wasforMr.Pugh, inspector of a division of the Indian police, in whose company andprotectionwehadcomefromCalcutta.Hehadseenlongserviceasanartilleryofficer,waslessnervousthanIwas,andsohewastogoaheadofusinapilothand-car,withaGhurkaandanothernative;and theplanwas thatwhenweshouldseehiscarjumpoveraprecipicewemustputonour(break)andsendforanotherpilot.Itwasagoodarrangement.AlsoMr.Barnard,chiefengineerof themountain-divisionof theroad,was to takepersonalchargeofourcar,andhehadbeendownthemountaininitmanyatime.Everythinglookedsafe.Indeed,therewasbutonequestionabledetailleft:theregulartrainwastofollowusassoonasweshouldstart,anditmightrunoverus.Privately,Ithoughtitwould.The road fell sharplydown in frontofusandwentcorkscrewing inandoutaround the crags and precipices, down, down, forever down, suggestingnothingsoexactlyorsouncomfortablyasacrooked tobogganslidewithnoendtoit.Mr.Pughwavedhisflagandstarted,likeanarrowfromabow,andbeforeIcouldgetoutofthecarweweregonetoo.Ihadpreviouslyhadbutonesensation like theshockof thatdeparture,and thatwas thegaspyshockthattookmybreathawaythefirsttimethatIwasdischargedfromthesummitof a toboggan slide. But in both instances the sensation was pleasurable—intensely so; it was a sudden and immense exaltation, a mixed ecstasy ofdeadlyfrightandunimaginablejoy.Ibelievethatthiscombinationmakestheperfectionofhumandelight.The pilot car's flight down themountain suggested the swoop of a swallowthatisskimmingtheground,soswiftlyandsmoothlyandgracefullyitsweptdownthelongstraightreachesandsoaredinandoutofthebendsandaroundthecorners.Weracedafterit,andseemedtoflashbythecapesandcragswiththespeedoflight;andnowandthenwealmostovertookit—andhadhopes;butitwasonlyplayingwithus;whenwegotnear,itreleaseditsbrake,madeaspring around a corner, and the next time it spun into view, a few secondslater,itlookedassmallasawheelbarrow,itwassofaraway.Weplayedwiththe train in the same way. We often got out to gather flowers or sit on a

precipice and look at the scenery, then presentlywewould hear a dull andgrowingroar,andthelongcoilsofthetrainwouldcomeintosightbehindandaboveus;butwedidnotneedtostarttillthelocomotivewasclosedownuponus—thenwesoonleftitfarbehind.Ithadtostopateverystation,thereforeitwasnotanembarrassmenttous.Ourbrakewasagoodpieceofmachinery;itcouldbringthecartoastandstillonaslopeassteepasahouse-roof.Thescenerywasgrandandvariedandbeautiful,andtherewasnohurry;wecouldalwaysstopandexamineit.Therewasabundanceoftime.Wedidnotneedtohamperthetrain;ifitwantedtheroad,wecouldswitchoffandletitgoby, thenovertake it andpass it later.We stopped at oneplace to see theGladstoneCliff,agreatcragwhichtheagesandtheweatherhavesculpturedinto a recognizable portrait of the venerable statesman. Mr. Gladstone is astockholderintheroad,andNaturebeganthisportraittenthousandyearsago,withtheideaofhavingthecomplimentreadyintimefortheevent.Wesawabanyantreewhichsentdownsupportingstemsfrombrancheswhichweresixtyfeetabovetheground.Thatis,Isupposeitwasabanyan;itsbarkresembled that of thegreat banyan in thebotanical gardens atCalcutta, thatspider-leggedthingwithitswildernessofvegetablecolumns.Andtherewerefrequentglimpsesofatotallyleaflesstreeuponwhoseinnumerabletwigsandbranchesacloudofcrimsonbutterflieshadlighted—apparently.Infactthesebrilliantredbutterflieswereflowers,buttheillusionwasgood.AfterwardinSouthAfrica,Isawanothersplendideffectmadebyredflowers.Thisflowerwasprobablycalledthetorch-plant—shouldhavebeensonamed,anyway.Ithadaslenderstemseveralfeethigh,andfromitstopstoodupasingletongueof flame, an intensely red flowerof the size and shapeof a small corn-cob.Thestemsstoodthreeorfourfeetapartalloveragreathill-slopethatwasamilelong,andmakeonethinkofwhatthePlacedelaConcordewouldbeifitsmyriadlightswereredinsteadofwhiteandyellow.A fewmiles down themountainwe stopped half an hour to see aThibetandramaticperformance.Itwasintheopenaironthehillside.TheaudiencewascomposedofThibetans,Ghurkas,andotherunusualpeople.Thecostumesofthe actors were in the last degree outlandish, and the performance was inkeepingwiththeclothes.Toanaccompanimentofbarbarousnoisestheactorsstepped out one after another and began to spin around with immenseswiftness and vigor and violence, chanting the while, and soon the wholetroupe would be spinning and chanting and raising the dust. They wereperforming an ancient and celebrated historical play, and a Chinamanexplained it tome in pidjinEnglish as itwent along.Theplaywasobscureenoughwithout the explanation;with the explanation added, itwas (opake).Asadramathisancienthistoricalworkofartwasdefective,Ithought,butasawild and barbarous spectacle the representation was beyond criticism. Far

down the mountain we got out to look at a piece of remarkable loop-engineering—aspiralwheretheroadcurvesuponitselfwithsuchabruptnessthatwhentheregulartraincamedownandenteredtheloop,westoodoveritand saw the locomotivedisappear under our bridge, then in a fewmomentsappearagain,chasingitsowntail;andwesawitgainonit,overtakeit,drawaheadpasttherearcars,andrunaracewiththatendofthetrain.Itwaslikeasnakeswallowingitself.Half-waydownthemountainwestoppedaboutanhouratMr.Barnard'shousefor refreshments, and while we were sitting on the veranda looking at thedistantpanoramaofhillsthroughagapintheforest,wecameverynearseeinga leopard kill a calf.—[It killed it the day before.]—It is a wild place andlovely.Fromthewoodsallaboutcamethesongsofbirds,—amongthemthecontributionsofacoupleofbirdswhich Iwasnot thenacquaintedwith: thebrain-feverbirdandthecoppersmith.Thesongofthebrain-feverdemonstartson a low but steadily rising key, and is a spiral twist which augments inintensityandseveritywitheachaddedspiral,growingsharperandsharper,andmoreandmorepainful,moreandmoreagonizing,moreandmoremaddening,intolerable, unendurable, as it bores deeper and deeper and deeper into thelistener'sbrain,untilatlastthebrainfevercomesasareliefandthemandies.Iam bringing some of these birds home to America. They will be a greatcuriosity there, and it is believed that in our climate theywillmultiply likerabbits.Thecoppersmithbird'snoteatacertaindistanceawayhastheringofasledgeongranite;atacertainotherdistancethehammeringhasamoremetallicring,and you might think that the bird was mending a copper kettle; at anotherdistanceithasamorewoodenythump,butitisathumpthatisfullofenergy,andsoundsjustlikestartingabung.Soheisahardbirdtonamewithasinglename;heisastone-breaker,coppersmith,andbung-starter,andeventhenheisnot completelynamed, forwhenhe is closebyyou find that there is a soft,deep,melodiousqualityinhisthump,andforthatnosatisfyingnameoccurstoyou.Youwillnotmindhisothernotes,butwhenhecampsnearenoughforyou to hear that one, you presently find that hismeasured andmonotonousrepetitionofitisbeginningtodisturbyou;nextitwillwearyyou,soonitwilldistressyou,andbeforelongeachthumpwillhurtyourhead;ifthisgoeson,youwill lose yourmindwith the pain andmisery of it, and go crazy. I ambringing some of these birds home to America. There is nothing like themthere.Theywillbeagreat surprise,and it is said that inaclimate likeourstheywillsurpassexpectationforfecundity.Iambringingsomenightingales,too,andsomecue-owls.IgottheminItaly.The song of the nightingale is the deadliest known to ornithology. Thatdemoniacalshriekcankillatthirtyyards.Thenoteofthecue-owlisinfinitely

softandsweet—softandsweetasthewhisperofaflute.Butpenetrating—oh,beyondbelief;itcanborethroughboiler-iron.Itisalingeringnote,andcomesin triplets, on the one unchanging key: hoo-o-o, hoo-o-o, hoo-o-o; then asilenceoffifteenseconds,thenthetripletagain;andsoon,allnight.Atfirstitis divine; then less so; then trying; then distressing; then excruciating; thenagonizing,andattheendoftwohoursthelistenerisamaniac.Andso,presentlywetooktothehand-carandwentflyingdownthemountainagain;flyingandstopping,flyingandstopping,tillatlastwewereintheplainoncemore and stowed for Calcutta in the regular train. That was themostenjoyable day I have spent in the earth. For rousing, tingling, rapturouspleasure there is no holiday trip that approaches the bird-flight down theHimalayasinahand-car.Ithasnofault,noblemish,nolack,exceptthatthereareonlythirty-fivemilesofitinsteadoffivehundred.

CHAPTERLVII.

Shewasnotquitewhatyouwouldcall refined.Shewasnotquitewhatyouwouldcallunrefined.Shewasthekindofpersonthatkeepsaparrot.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.SofarasIamable to judge,nothinghasbeenleftundone,eitherbymanorNature,tomakeIndiathemostextraordinarycountrythatthesunvisitsonhisround.Nothing seems tohavebeen forgotten, nothingover looked.Always,whenyouthinkyouhavecometo theendofher tremendousspecialtiesandhavefinishedhangingtagsuponherastheLandoftheThug,theLandofthePlague, the Land of Famine, the Land of Giant Illusions, the Land ofStupendousMountains, and so forth, another specialty cropsup andanothertag is required. I have been overlooking the fact that India is by anunapproachablesupremacy—theLandofMurderousWildCreatures.Perhapsit will be simplest to throw away the tags and generalize her with one all-comprehensivename,astheLandofWonders.FormanyyearstheBritishIndianGovernmenthasbeentryingtodestroythemurderouswildcreatures,andhasspentagreatdealofmoney in theeffort.Theannualofficialreturnsshowthattheundertakingisadifficultone.These returns exhibit a curious annual uniformity in results; the sort ofuniformity which you find in the annual output of suicides in the world'scapitals,andtheproportionsofdeathsbythis,that,andtheotherdisease.Youcanalwayscomeclose to foretellinghowmanysuicideswilloccur inParis,London,andNewYork,nextyear,andalsohowmanydeathswillresultfromcancer,consumption,dog-bite,fallingoutofthewindow,gettingrunoverby

cabs,etc.,ifyouknowthestatisticsofthosemattersforthepresentyear.Inthesameway,withoneyear'sIndianstatisticsbeforeyou,youcanguesscloselyathowmanypeoplewerekilledinthatEmpirebytigersduringthepreviousyear,andtheyearbeforethat,andtheyearbeforethat,andathowmanywerekilledineachofthoseyearsbybears,howmanybywolves,andhowmanybysnakes; andyoucanalsoguesscloselyathowmanypeoplearegoing tobekilledeachyearforthecomingfiveyearsbyeachofthoseagencies.Youcanalsoguesscloselyathowmanyofeachagencythegovernmentisgoingtokilleachyearforthenextfiveyears.I have before me statistics covering a period of six consecutive years. Bythese, I know that in India the tiger kills somethingover 800persons everyyear,andthatthegovernmentrespondsbykillingaboutdoubleasmanytigerseveryyear.Infourofthesixyearsreferredto,thetigergot800odd;inoneoftheremaining twoyearshegotonly700,but in theother remainingyearhemade his average good by scoring 917. He is always sure of his average.Anyonewho bets that the tiger will kill 2,400 people in India in any threeconsecutiveyearshasinvestedhismoneyinacertainty;anyonewhobetsthathewillkill2,600inanythreeconsecutiveyears,isabsolutelysuretolose.Asstrikinglyuniformasarethestatisticsofsuicide,theyarenotanymoresothan are those of the tiger's annual output of slaughtered human beings inIndia.Thegovernment'sworkisquiteuniform,too;itaboutdoublesthetiger'saverage.Insixyearsthetigerkilled5,000persons,minus50;inthesamesixyears10,000tigerswerekilled,minus400.Thewolfkillsnearlyasmanypeopleasthetiger—700ayeartothetiger's800odd—butwhileheisdoingit,morethan5,000ofhistribefall.Theleopardkillsanaverageof230peopleperyear,butloses3,300ofhisownmesswhileheisdoingit.Thebearkills100peopleperyearatacostof1,250ofhisowntribe.Thetiger,asthefiguresshow,makesaveryhandsomefightagainstman.Butitisnothingtotheelephant'sfight.Thekingofbeasts,thelordofthejungle,losesfourofhismessperyear,buthekillsforty—fivepersonstomakeupforit.Butwhenitcomestokillingcattle,thelordofthejungleisnotinterested.Hekillsbut100 insixyears—horsesofhunters,nodoubt—but in thesamesixthetigerkillsmorethan84,000,theleopard100,000,thebear4,000,thewolf70,000,thehyenamorethan13,000,otherwildbeasts27,000,andthesnakes19,000, a grand total ofmore than 300,000; an average of 50,000 head peryear.In response, thegovernmentkills, in thesixyears,a totalof3,201,232wildbeastsandsnakes.Tenforone.

Itwillbeperceivedthatthesnakesarenotmuchinterestedincattle;theykillonly3,000oddperyear.Thesnakesaremuchmoreinterestedinman.Indiaswarmswithdeadlysnakes.Attheheadofthelististhecobra,thedeadliestknown to the world, a snake whose bite kills where the rattlesnake's bitemerelyentertains.InIndia,theannualman-killingsbysnakesareasuniform,asregular,andasforecastableasarethetiger-averageandthesuicide-average.Anyonewhobetsthat in India, in any three consecutive years the snakes will kill 49,500persons, will win his bet; and anyone who bets that in India in any threeconsecutive years, the snakes will kill 53,500 persons, will lose his bet. InIndiathesnakeskill17,000peopleayear;theyhardlyeverfallshortofit;theyasseldomexceedit.AninsuranceactuarycouldtaketheIndiancensustablesand thegovernment'ssnake tablesand tellyouwithinsixpencehowmuch itwouldbeworth to insureamanagainstdeathbysnake-bite there. If IhadadollarforeverypersonkilledperyearinIndia,Iwouldratherhaveitthananyotherproperty,asitistheonlypropertyintheworldnotsubjecttoshrinkage.Ishouldliketohavearoyaltyonthegovernment-endofthesnakebusiness,too,andaminLondonnowtryingtogetit;butwhenIgetititisnotgoingtobeasregularanincomeastheotherwillbeifIgetthat;Ihaveappliedforit.Thesnakestransacttheirendofthebusinessinamoreorderlyandsystematicwaythanthegovernmenttransactsitsendofit,becausethesnakeshavehadalong experience and know all about the traffic.You canmake sure that thegovernmentwillneverkillfewerthan110,000snakesinayear,andthatitwillnewerquitereach300,000—toomuchroomforoscillation;goodspeculativestock, to bear or bull, and buy and sell long and short, and all that kind ofthing,butnoteligibleforinvestmentliketheother.Themanthatspeculatesinthegovernment'ssnakecropwantstogocarefully.Iwouldnotadviseamantobuyasinglecropatall—Imeanacropoffuturesfor thepossiblewobble issomethingquiteextraordinary.Ifhecanbuysixfuturecropsinabunch,sellerto deliver 1,500,000 altogether, that is another matter. I do not know whatsnakes are worth now, but I knowwhat they would be worth then, for thestatisticsshowthat thesellercouldnotcomewithin427,000ofcarryingouthiscontract.However,Ithinkthatapersonwhospeculatesinsnakesisafool,anyway.Healwaysregretsitafterwards.Tofinishthestatistics.Insixyearsthewildbeastskill20,000persons,andthesnakes kill 103,000. In the same six the government kills 1,073,546 snakes.Plentyleft.There arenarrowescapes in India. In thevery junglewhere I killed sixteentigers and all those elephants, a cobra bitme but it gotwell; everyonewassurprised. This could not happen twice in ten years, perhaps.Usually deathwouldresultinfifteenminutes.

WestruckoutwestwardornorthwestwardfromCalcuttaonanitineraryofazig-zag sort,whichwould in the course of time carry us across India to itsnorthwesterncorner and theborderofAfghanistan.The firstpartof the tripcarried us through a great region which was an endless garden—miles andmiles of the beautiful flower from whose juices comes the opium, and atMuzaffurporewewereinthemidstoftheindigoculture;thencebyabranchroadtotheGangesatapointnearDinapore,andbyatrainwhichwouldhavemissed theconnectionbyaweekbut for the thoughtfulnessof someBritishofficers whowere along, andwho knew theways of trains that are run bynativeswithoutwhitesupervision.This trainstoppedateveryvillage;fornopurpose connected with business, apparently. We put out nothing, we tooknothing aboard. The train bands stepped ashore and gossipedwith friends aquarterofanhour,thenpulledoutandrepeatedthisatthesucceedingvillages.Wehadthirty-fivemilestogoandsixhourstodoitin,butitwasplainthatwewerenotgoingtomakeit.ItwasthenthattheEnglishofficerssaiditwasnownecessary to turn this gravel train into an express. So theygave the engine-driverarupeeandtoldhimtofly.Itwasasimpleremedy.Afterthatwemadeninety miles an hour. We crossed the Ganges just at dawn, made ourconnection, and went to Benares, where we stayed twenty-four hours andinspectedthatstrangeandfascinatingpiety-hiveagain;thenleftforLucknow,a city which is perhaps the most conspicuous of the many monuments ofBritishfortitudeandvalorthatarescatteredabouttheearth.Theheatwaspitiless,theflatplainsweredestituteofgrass,andbakeddrybythesuntheywerethecolorofpaledust,whichwasflyinginclouds.Butitwasmuchhotter than thiswhen the relieving forcesmarched toLucknow in thetimeoftheMutiny.Thosewerethedaysof138deg.intheshade.

CHAPTERLVIII.

Makeitapointtodosomethingeverydaythatyoudon'twanttodo.Thisisthegoldenruleforacquiringthehabitofdoingyourdutywithoutpain.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.Itseemstobesettled,now,thatamongthemanycausesfromwhichtheGreatMutinysprang,themainonewastheannexationofthekingdomofOudhbytheEastIndiaCompany—characterizedbySirHenryLawrenceas"themostunrighteousact thatwasevercommitted." In thespringof1857,amutinousspiritwasobservableinmanyofthenativegarrisons,anditgrewdaybydayand spreadwider andwider.Theyoungermilitarymen saw somethingveryseriousinit,andwouldhavelikedtotakeholdofitvigorouslyandstampitoutpromptly;buttheywerenotinauthority.Oldmenwereinthehighplaces

ofthearmy—menwhoshouldhavebeenretiredlongbefore,becauseoftheirgreatage—and theyregarded thematterasa thingofnoconsequence.Theyloved their native soldiers, andwould not believe that anything couldmovethem to revolt. Everywhere these obstinate veterans listened serenely to therumblingofthevolcanoesunderthem,andsaiditwasnothing.Andsothepropagatorsofmutinyhadeverythingtheirownway.Theymovedfromcamptocampundisturbed,andpaintedtothenativesoldierthewrongshispeopleweresufferingatthehandsoftheEnglish,andmadehisheartburnfor revenge. They were able to point to two facts of formidable value asbackers of their persuasions: In Clive's day, native armies were incoherentmobs, andwithout effective arms; therefore, theywereweak againstClive'sorganizedhandfulofwell-armedmen,but thethingwastheotherway,now.TheBritishforceswerenative;theyhadbeentrainedbytheBritish,organizedby theBritish, armedby theBritish, all thepowerwas in theirhands—theywereaclubmadebyBritishhandstobeatoutBritishbrainswith.Therewasnothing to oppose their mass, nothing but a fewweak battalions of Britishsoldiersscatteredabout India,a forcenotworthspeakingof.Thisargument,takenalone,mightnothavesucceeded,forthebravestandbestIndiantroopshadawholesomedreadofthewhitesoldier,whetherhewasweakorstrong;but the agitators backed it with their second and best point— prophecy—aprophecy a hundred years old. The Indian is open to prophecy at all times;argumentmayfail toconvincehim,butnotprophecy.TherewasaprophecythatahundredyearsfromtheyearofthatbattleofClive'swhichfoundedtheBritishIndianEmpire,theBritishpowerwouldbeoverthrownandsweptawaybythenatives.TheMutinybrokeoutatMeerutonthe10thofMay,1857,andfiredatrainoftremendous historical explosions. Nana Sahib's massacre of the surrenderedgarrisonofCawnporeoccurredinJune,andthelongsiegeofLucknowbegan.ThemilitaryhistoryofEnglandisoldandgreat,butIthinkitmustbegrantedthatthecrushingoftheMutinyisthegreatestchapterinit.TheBritishwerecaughtasleepandunprepared.Theywereafewthousands,swallowedupinanoceanofhostilepopulations.ItwouldtakemonthstoinformEnglandandgethelp, but they did not falter or stop to count the odds, but with EnglishresolutionandEnglishdevotiontheytookuptheir task,andwentstubbornlyonwith it, through good fortune and bad, and fought themost unpromisingfightthatonemayreadofinfictionoroutofit,andwonitthoroughly.TheMutiny broke out so suddenly, and spreadwith such rapidity that therewasbutlittletimeforoccupantsofweakoutlyingstationstoescapetoplacesofsafety.Attemptsweremade,ofcourse,buttheywereattendedbyhardshipsasbitterasdeathinthefewcaseswhichweresuccessful;fortheheatrangedbetween120and138 in theshade; theway led throughhostilepeoples,and

foodandwaterwerehardlytobehad.Forladiesandchildrenaccustomedtoease and comfort and plenty, such a journey must have been a cruelexperience.SirG.O.Trevelyanquotesanexample:"ThisiswhatbefellMrs.M——,thewifeofthesurgeonatacertainstationonthesouthernconfinesoftheinsurrection.'Iheard,'shesays,'anumberofshotsfired, and, looking out, I sawmy husband driving furiously from themess-house,wavinghiswhip.Irantohim,and,seeingabearerwithmychildinhisarms,Icaughtherup,andgotintothebuggy.Atthemess-housewefoundalltheofficersassembled,togetherwithsixtysepoys,whohadremainedfaithful.We went off in one large party, amidst a general conflagration of our latehomes. We reached the caravanserai at Chattapore the next morning, andthence started for Callinger. At this point our sepoy escort deserted us.Wewerefireduponbymatch-lockmen,andoneofficerwasshotdead.Weheard,likewise, that the people had risen at Callinger, sowe returned andwalkedback tenmiles thatday.M——and I carried thechildalternately.PresentlyMrs.Smalleydiedofsunstroke.Wehadnofoodamongstus.Anofficerkindlylentusahorse.Wewereveryfaint.TheMajordied,andwasburied;alsotheSergeant-majorandsomewomen.ThebandsmenleftusonthenineteenthofJune.Wewere fired at again bymatch-lockmen, and changed direction forAllahabad.Ourpartyconsistedofninegentlemen,twochildren,thesergeantandhiswife.Onthemorningofthetwentieth,CaptainScotttookLottieontohishorse. Iwasridingbehindmyhusband,andshewassocrushedbetweenus. She was two years old on the first of the month. We were both weakthrough want of food and the effect of the sun. Lottie and I had no headcovering.M——hadasepoy'scapIfoundontheground.Soonaftersunrisewe were followed by villagers armed with clubs and spears. One of themstruckCaptainScott'shorseon the leg.HegallopedoffwithLottie,andmypoor husbandnever sawhis child again.We rode on severalmiles, keepingawayfromvillages,andthencrossedtheriver.Ourthirstwasextreme.M——haddreadfulcramps,sothatIhadtoholdhimonthehorse.Iwasveryuneasyabout him. The day before I saw the drummer'swife eating chupatties, andaskedher to give a piece to the child,which shedid. I now sawwater in aravine.Thedescentwassteep,andouronlydrinking-vesselwasM——'scap.Ourhorsegotwater,andIbathedmyneck. Ihadnostockings,andmyfeetweretornandblistered.Twopeasantscameinsight,andwewerefrightenedandrodeoff.Thesergeantheldourhorse,andM——putmeupandmounted.Ithinkhemusthavegotsuddenlyfaint,forIfellandheoverme,ontheroad,whenthehorsestartedoff.Sometimebeforehesaid,andBarber,too,thathecouldnotlivemanyhours.Ifelthewasdyingbeforewecametotheravine.Hetoldmehiswishesabouthischildrenandmyself,andtookleave.Mybrainseemedburntup.No tearscame.Assoonaswe fell, the sergeant letgo thehorse,anditwentoff;sothatescapewascutoff.Wesatdownontheground

waitingfordeath.Poorfellow!hewasveryweak;histhirstwasfrightful,andIwenttogethimwater.Somevillagerscame,andtookmyrupeesandwatch.Itookoffmywedding-ring,andtwisteditinmyhair,andreplacedtheguard.Itore off the skirt ofmydress to bringwater in, butwas no use, forwhen Ireturnedmybeloved'seyeswerefixed,and,thoughIcalledandtriedtorestorehim,andpouredwater intohismouth, itonly rattled inhis throat.Heneverspoketomeagain.Iheldhiminmyarmstillhesankgraduallydown.Ifeltfrantic,butcouldnotcry.Iwasalone.Iboundhisheadandfaceinmydress,for there was no earth to bury him. The pain in my hands and feet wasdreadful.Iwentdowntotheravine,andsatinthewateronastone,hopingtogetoffatnightandlookforLottie.WhenIcamebackfromthewater,Isawthattheyhadnottakenherlittlewatch,chain,andseals,soItiedthemundermypetticoat.Inanhour,aboutthirtyvillagerscame,theydraggedmeoutofthe ravine, and took off my jacket, and found the little chain. They thendraggedmetoavillage,mockingmealltheway,anddisputingastowhomIwas to belong to. Thewhole population came to look atme. I asked for abedstead,andlaydownoutsidethedoorofahut.Theyhadadozenofcows,andyet refusedmemilk.Whennightcame,and thevillagewasquiet, someoldwomanbroughtme a leafful of rice. Iwas too parched to eat, and theygavemewater.ThemorningafteraneighboringRajahsentapalanquinandahorseman to fetchme,who toldme that a little child and three Sahibs hadcome to his master's house. And so the poor mother found her lost one,'greatlyblistered,'poorlittlecreature.ItisnotforEuropeansinIndiatopraythattheirflightbenotinthewinter."InthefirstdaysofJunetheagedgeneral,SirHughWheelercommandingtheforcesatCawnpore,wasdesertedbyhisnativetroops;thenhemovedoutofthe fort and into an exposedpatch of open flat ground andbuilt a four-footmud wall around it. He had with him a few hundred white soldiers andofficers,andapparentlymorewomenandchildrenthansoldiers.Hewasshortofprovisions, shortof arms, shortof ammunition, shortofmilitarywisdom,shortofeverythingbutcourageanddevotiontoduty.Thedefenseofthatopenlot through twenty-one days and nights of hunger, thirst, Indian heat, and anever-ceasing storm of bullets, bombs, and cannon-balls—a defenseconducted,notbytheagedandinfirmgeneral,butbyayoungofficernamedMoore—isoneofthemostheroicepisodesinhistory.WhenatlasttheNanafound it impossible to conquer these starvingmen andwomenwith powderand ball, he resorted to treachery, and that succeeded. He agreed to supplythemwithfoodandsendthemtoAllahabadinboats.Theirmudwallandtheirbarrackswere inruins, theirprovisionswereat thepointofexhaustion, theyhad done all that the brave could do, they had conquered an honorablecompromise,—their forces had been fearfully reduced by casualties and bydisease, theywere not able to continue the contest longer. They came forth

helplessbutsuspectingnotreachery,theNana'shostclosedaroundthem,andatasignalfromatrumpetthemassacrebegan.Abouttwohundredwomenandchildrenwere spared—for the present—but all themen except three or fourwere killed. Among the incidents of the massacre quoted by Sir G. O.Trevelyan,isthis:"When,afterthelapseofsometwentyminutes,thedeadbegantooutnumbertheliving;—whenthefireslackened,asthemarksgrewfewandfarbetween;then the trooperswhohadbeendrawnup to the rightof the templeplungedinto the river, sabre between teeth, and pistol in hand. Thereupon two half-casteChristianwomen,thewivesofmusiciansinthebandoftheFifty-sixth,witnessed a scene which should not be related at second-hand. 'In the boatwhereIwastohavegone,'saysMrs.Bradshaw,confirmedthroughoutbyMrs.Setts,'wastheschool-mistressandtwenty-twomisses.GeneralWheelercamelastinapalkee.Theycarriedhimintothewaterneartheboat.Istoodcloseby.Hesaid,'Carrymealittlefurthertowardstheboat.'Butatroopersaid,'No,getout here.' As the General got out of the palkee, head-foremost, the troopergavehimacutwithhisswordintotheneck,andhefellintothewater.Mysonwaskillednearhim. I saw it; alas! alas!Somewere stabbedwithbayonets;otherscutdown.Littleinfantsweretorninpieces.Wesawit;wedid;andtellyouonlywhatwesaw.Otherchildrenwerestabbedandthrownintotheriver.Theschoolgirlswereburnttodeath.Isawtheirclothesandhaircatchfire.Inthewater,afewpacesoff,bythenextboat,wesawtheyoungestdaughterofColonelWilliams.Asepoywasgoing tokillherwithhisbayonet.Shesaid,'Myfatherwasalwayskindtosepoys.'Heturnedaway,andjustthenavillagerstruckheron theheadwithaclub,andshefell into thewater.ThesepeoplelikewisesawgoodMr.Moncrieff,theclergyman,takeabookfromhispocketthatheneverhadleisuretoopen,andheardhimcommenceaprayerformercywhich he was not permitted to conclude. Another deponent observed anEuropean making for a drain like a scared water-rat, when some boatmen,armedwithcudgels,cutoffhisretreat,andbeathimdowndeadintothemud."The women and children who had been reserved from the massacre wereimprisonedduringafortnightinasmallbuilding,onestoryhigh—acrampedplace, a slightly modified Black Hole of Calcutta. They were waiting insuspense; therewasnonewhocouldforecaste their fate.MeantimethenewsofthemassacrehadtraveledfarandanarmyofrescuerswithHavelockatitsheadwas on its way—at least an armywhich hoped to be rescuers. It wascrossing the country by forcedmarches, and strewing its waywith its owndead—menstruckdownbycholera,andbyaheatwhichreached135deg.Itwasinavengefulfury,anditstoppedfornothing—neitherheat,norfatigue,nordisease,norhumanopposition. It tore its impetuousway throughhostileforces,winningvictoryaftervictory,butstillstridingonandon,nothaltingtocountresults.Andatlast,afterthisextraordinarymarch,itarrivedbeforethe

walls of Cawnpore, met the Nana's massed strength, delivered a crushingdefeat,andentered.Buttoolate—onlyafewhourstoolate.ForatthelastmomenttheNanahaddecided upon the massacre of the captive women and children, and hadcommissioned threeMohammedansand twoHindoos todo thework.SirG.O.Trevelyansays:"Thereuponthefivemenentered.ItwastheshortgloamingofHindostan—thehourwhen ladies take theireveningdrive.Shewhohadaccosted theofficerwasstandinginthedoorway.WithherwerethenativedoctorandtwoHindoomenials.Thatmuchof thebusinessmightbe seen from theveranda,but allelsewasconcealedamidsttheinteriorgloom.Shrieksandscufflingacquaintedthosewithoutthatthejourneymenwereearningtheirhire.SurvurKhansoonemergedwithhisswordbrokenoffat thehilt.HeprocuredanotherfromtheNana'shouse,andafewminutesafterappearedagainonthesameerrand.Thethirdbladewasofbettertemper;orperhapsthethickoftheworkwasalreadyover.Bythe timedarknesshadclosedin, themencameforthandlockedupthe house for the night. Then the screams ceased, but the groans lasted tillmorning."The sun rose as usual. When he had been up nearly three hours the fiverepairedtothesceneoftheirlaborsovernight.Theywereattendedbyafewsweepers,whoproceeded to transfer the contentsof thehouse to adrywellsituated behind some treeswhich grew hard by. 'The bodies,' says onewhowas present throughout, 'were dragged out,most of themby the hair of thehead.Thosewhohadclothingworthtakingwerestripped.Someofthewomenwerealive.Icannotsayhowmany;butthreecouldspeak.TheyprayedforthesakeofGodthatanendmightbeputtotheirsufferings.Iremarkedoneverystout woman, a half-caste, who was severely wounded in both arms, whoentreated to be killed. She and two or three others were placed against thebankofthecutbywhichbullocksgodownindrawingwater.Thedeadwerefirst thrownin.Yes: therewasagreatcrowdlookingon; theywerestandingalong the walls of the compound. They were principally city people andvillagers.Yes:therewerealsosepoys.Threeboyswerealive.Theywerefairchildren.Theeldest, I think,musthavebeen sixor seven, and theyoungestfiveyears.Theywererunningaroundthewell(whereelsecouldtheygoto?),andtherewasnonetosavethem.Noonesaidawordortriedtosavethem.'"At length the smallest of themmade an infantile attempt to get away. Thelittle thing had been frightened past bearing by the murder of one of thesurvivingladies.Hethusattractedtheobservationofanativewhoflunghimandhiscompanionsdownthewell."Thesoldiershadmadeamarchofeighteendays,almostwithoutrest,tosavethewomenandthechildren,andnowtheyweretoolate—allweredeadand

theassassinhad flown.Whathappened then,Trevelyanhesitated toput intowords."Ofwhattookplace,thelesssaidisthebetter."Thenhecontinues:"Buttherewasaspectacletowitnesswhichmightexcusemuch.Thosewho,straightfromthecontestedfield,wanderedsobbingthroughtheroomsoftheladies'house,sawwhatitwerewellcouldtheoutragedearthhavestraightwayhidden.Theinnerapartmentwasankle-deepinblood.Theplasterwasscoredwithsword-cuts;nothighupaswheremenhave fought,but lowdown,andabout the corners, as if a creaturehadcrouched to avoid theblow.Stripsofdresses,vainlytiedaroundthehandlesofthedoors,signifiedthecontrivanceto which feminine despair had resorted as a means of keeping out themurderers.Brokencombswerethere,andthefrillsofchildren'strousers,andtorncuffsandpinafores,andlittleroundhats,andoneortwoshoeswithburstlatchets,andoneortwodaguerreotypecaseswithcrackedglasses.Anofficerpickedupafewcurls,preservedinabitofcardboard,andmarked'Ned'shair,with love'; but around were strewn locks, some near a yard in length,dissevered,notasakeepsake,byquiteotherscissors."ThebattleofWaterloowasfoughtonthe18thofJune,1815.Idonotstatethisfact as a reminder to the reader, but as news to him.For a forgotten fact isnewswhenitcomesagain.Writersofbookshavethefashionofwhizzingbyvast and renowned historical events with the remark, "The details of thistremendous episode are too familiar to the reader to need repeating here."Theyknowthatthatisnottrue.Itisalowkindofflattery.Theyknowthatthereader has forgotten every detail of it, and that nothing of the tremendousevent is left in hismind but a vague and formless luminous smudge.Asidefromthedesiretoflatterthereader, theyhaveanotherreasonformakingtheremark-two reasons, indeed. They do not remember the details themselves,anddonotwant the troubleofhunting themupandcopying themout;also,theyareafraidthatiftheysearchthemoutandprintthemtheywillbescoffedatbythebook-reviewersforretellingthosewornoldthingswhicharefamiliartoeverybody.Theyshouldnotmindthereviewer'sjeer;hedoesn'trememberany of theworn old things until the bookwhich he is reviewing has retoldthemtohim.Ihavemadethequotedremarkmyself,atonetimeandanother,butIwasnotdoing it to flatter the reader; I was merely doing it to save work. If I hadknownthedetailswithoutbrushingup,Iwouldhaveputthemin;butIdidn't,andIdidnotwantthelaborofpostingmyself;soIsaid,"Thedetailsofthistremendousepisodearetoofamiliartothereadertoneedrepeatinghere."Idonotlikethatkindofalie;still,itdoessavework.IamnottryingtogetoutofrepeatingthedetailsoftheSiegeofLucknowinfear of the reviewer; I am not leaving themout in fear that theywould not

interestthereader;Iamleavingthemoutpartlytosavework;mainlyforlackof room. It is apity, too; for there isnot adullplaceanywhere in thegreatstory.Ten days before the outbreak (May 10th) of the Mutiny, all was serene atLucknow, the huge capital of Oudh, the kingdom which had recently beenseizedbytheIndiaCompany.Therewasagreatgarrison,composedofabout7,000nativetroopsandbetween700and800whites.Thesewhitesoldiersandtheirfamilieswereprobablytheonlypeopleoftheirracethere;attheirelbowwas that swarming population of warlike natives, a race of born soldiers,brave,daring,andfondoffighting.Onhighgroundjustoutsidethecitystoodthepalaceof thatgreatpersonage, theResident, therepresentativeofBritishpower and authority. It stood in themidst of spacious grounds,with its duecomplementofoutbuildings,andthegroundswereenclosedbyawall—awallnot for defense, but for privacy. Themutinous spiritwas in the air, but thewhiteswerenotafraid,anddidnotfeelmuchtroubled.ThencametheoutbreakatMeerut,thenthecaptureofDelhibythemutineers;inJunecamethethree-weeksleaguerofSirHughWheelerinhisopenlotatCawnpore—40miles distant fromLucknow—then the treacherousmassacreofthatgallantlittlegarrison;andnowthegreatrevoltwasinfullflower,andthecomfortableconditionofthingsatLucknowwasinstantlychanged.There was an outbreak there, and Sir Henry Lawrence marched out of theResidencyon the 30th of June to put it down, butwas defeatedwith heavyloss,andhaddifficultyingettingbackagain.ThatnightthememorablesiegeoftheResidency—calledthesiegeofLucknow—began.SirHenrywaskilledthreedayslater,andBrigadierInglissucceededhimincommand.OutsideoftheResidencyfencewasanimmensehostofhostileandconfidentnativebesiegers;insideitwere480loyalnativesoldiers,730whiteones,and500womenandchildren.In those days the English garrisons always managed to hamper themselvessufficientlywithwomenandchildren.Thenativesestablishedthemselvesinhousescloseathandandbegantorainbulletsandcannon-balls intotheResidency;andthistheykeptup,nightandday,duringfourmonthsandahalf,thelittlegarrisonindustriouslyreplyingallthetime.Thewomenandchildrensoonbecamesousedtotheroarofthegunsthatitceasedtodisturbtheirsleep.Thechildrenimitatedsiegeanddefenseintheirplay.Thewomen—withanypretext,orwithnone—wouldsallyoutintothe storm-swept grounds. The defense was kept up week after week, withstubborn fortitude, in the midst of death, which came in many forms—bybullet,small-pox,cholera,andbyvariousdiseasesinducedbyunpalatableandinsufficientfood,by the longhoursofwearyingandexhaustingoverwork in

thedailyandnightlybattle in theoppressive Indianheat, andby thebrokenrestcausedbytheintolerablepestofmosquitoes,flies,mice,rats,andfleas.Sixweeksafterthebeginningofthesiegemorethanone-halfoftheoriginalforce ofwhite soldierswas dead, and close upon three-fifths of the originalnativeforce.Butthefightingwentonjustthesame.Theenemymined,theEnglishcounter-mined, and, turn about, they blew up each other's posts. The Residencygroundswerehoney-combedwiththeenemy'stunnels.Deadlycourtesieswereconstantly exchanged—sorties by the English in the night; rushes by theenemy in thenight—rusheswhosepurposewas tobreach thewallsor scalethem;rusheswhichcostheavily,andalwaysfailed.Theladiesgotusedtoallthehorrorsofwar—theshrieksofmutilatedmen,thesightofbloodanddeath.LadyInglismakesthismentioninherdiary:"Mrs.Bruere'snursewascarriedpastourdoorto-day,woundedintheeye.Toextract the bullet it was found necessary to take out the eye—a fearfuloperation.Hermistressheldherwhileitwasperformed."Thefirstrelievingforcefailedtorelieve.ItwasunderHavelockandOutram;andarrivedwhenthesiegehadbeengoingonfor threemonths.ItfoughtitsdesperatewaytoLucknow,thenfoughtitswaythroughthecityagainstoddsofahundredtoone,andenteredtheResidency;buttherewasnotenoughleftofit,then,todoanygood.ItlostmoremeninitslastfightthanitfoundintheResidencywhenitgotin.Itbecamecaptiveitself.Thefightingandstarvinganddyingbybulletsanddiseasewentsteadilyon.Both sides foughtwith energy and industry.CaptainBirch puts this strikingincidentinevidence.Heisspeakingofthethirdmonthofthesiege:"Asaninstanceoftheheavyfiringbroughttobearonourpositionthismonthmay be mentioned the cutting down of the upper story of a brick buildingsimplybymusketryfiring.Thisbuildingwasinamostexposedposition.Alltheshotswhichjustmissedthetopoftherampartcutintothedeadwallprettymuchinastraightline,andatlengthcutrightthroughandbroughttheupperstorytumblingdown.Theupperstructureonthetopofthebrigade-messalsofellin.TheResidencyhousewasawreck.CaptainAnderson'sposthadlongagobeenknockeddown,andInnes'postalsofellin.Thesetwowereriddledwithroundshot.Asmanyas200werepickedupbyColonelMasters."The exhausted garrison fought doggedly on all through the next month—October.Then,November2d,newscameSirColinCampbell'srelievingforcewouldsoonbeonitswayfromCawnpore.Onthe12ththeboomofhisgunswasheard.Onthe13ththesoundscamenearer—hewasslowly,butsteadily,cuttinghis

waythrough,stormingonestrongholdafteranother.On the 14th he captured theMartiniereCollege, and ran up theBritish flagthere.ItwasseenfromtheResidency.NexthetooktheDilkoosha.On the17thhe took theformermess-houseof the32dregiment—afortifiedbuilding,andverystrong."Amostexciting,anxiousday,"writesLadyInglisin her diary. "About 4 P.M., two strange officers walked through our yard,leading their horses"—and by that sign she knew that communication wasestablishedbetweentheforces,thatthereliefwasreal,thistime,andthatthelongsiegeofLucknowwasended.ThelasteightortenmilesofSirColinCampbell'smarchwasthroughseasofblood.Theweaponmainlyusedwasthebayonet,thefightingwasdesperate.Thewaywasmile-stonedwith detached strong buildings of stone, fortified,and heavily garrisoned, and these had to be taken by assault. Neither sideaskedforquarter,andneithergaveit.AttheSecundrabagh,wherenearlytwothousandoftheenemyoccupiedagreatstonehouseinagarden,theworkofslaughterwascontinueduntil everymanwaskilled.That is a sampleof thecharacterofthatdevastatingmarch.Therewerebutfewtreesintheplainatthattime,andfromtheResidencytheprogress of themarch, step by step, victory by victory, could be noted; theascendingcloudsofbattle-smokemarkedthewaytotheeye,andthethunderofthegunsmarkedittotheear.Sir Colin Campbell had not come to Lucknow to hold it, but to save theoccupantsoftheResidency,andbringthemaway.Fourorfivedaysafterhisarrivalthesecretevacuationbythetroopstookplace,inthemiddleofadarknight,bytheprincipalgate,(theBailieGuard).Thetwohundredwomenandtwohundred and fifty childrenhadbeenpreviously removed.CaptainBirchsays:"And now commenced a movement of the most perfect arrangement andsuccessfulgeneralship—thewithdrawalof thewholeof thevariousforces,acombinedmovementrequiringthegreatestcareandskill.First,thegarrisoninimmediatecontactwiththeenemyat thefurthestextremityof theResidencypositionwasmarchedout.Everyothergarrisoninturnfellinbehindit,andsopassedout through theBailieGuardgate, till thewholeofourpositionwasevacuated. Then Havelock's force was similarly withdrawn, post by post,marching in rear of our garrison.After them in turn came the forces of theCommander-in-Chief, which joined on in the rear of Havelock's force.Regiment by regimentwaswithdrawnwith the utmost order and regularity.The whole operation resembled themovement of a telescope. Stern silencewaskept,andtheenemytooknoalarm."

Lady Inglis, referring toherhusbandand toGeneralSir JamesOutram,setsdowntheclosingdetailofthisimpressivemidnightretreat,indarknessandbystealth,of thisshadowyhost throughthegatewhichithaddefendedsolongandsowell:"Attwelvepreciselytheymarchedout,JohnandSirJamesOutramremainingtill all hadpassed, and then they tookoff theirhats to theBailieGuard, thesceneofasnobleadefenseasIthinkhistorywilleverhavetorelate."

CHAPTERLIX.

Don'tpartwithyourillusions.Whentheyaregoneyoumaystillexistbutyouhaveceasedtolive.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.Often,thesurestwaytoconveymisinformationistotellthestricttruth.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.WeweredrivenoverSirColinCampbell'sroutebyaBritishofficer,andwhenIarrivedattheResidencyIwassofamiliarwiththeroadthatIcouldhaveledaretreatoveritmyself;butthecompassinmyheadhasbeenoutoforderfrommybirth,andso,assoonasIwaswithinthebatteredBailieGuardandturnedabouttoreviewthemarchandimaginetherelievingforcesstormingtheirwayalongit,everythingwasupsidedownandwrongendfirstinamoment,andIwas never able to get straightened out again. And now,when I look at thebattle-plan, the confusion remains. Inme theeastwasbornwest, thebattle-planswhichhavetheeastontheright-handsideareofnousetome.TheResidencyruinsaredrapedwithfloweringvines,andareimpressiveandbeautiful.Theyandthegroundsaresacrednow,andwillsuffernoneglectnorbeprofanedbyanysordidorcommercialusewhiletheBritishremainmastersofIndia.Withinthegroundsareburiedthedeadwhogaveuptheirlivesthereinthelongsiege.Afterafashion,Iwasabletoimaginethefierystormthatragednightanddayovertheplaceduringsomanymonths,andafterafashionIcouldimaginethemenmoving through it, but I could not satisfactorily place the 200women,and I could do nothing at allwith the 250 children. I knewbyLady Inglis'diarythatthechildrencarriedontheirsmallaffairsverymuchasifbloodandcarnageandthecrashandthunderofasiegewerenaturalandproperfeaturesof nursery life, and I tried to realize it; but when her little Johnny camerushing, all excitement, through the din and smoke, shouting, "Oh,mamma,thewhitehenhaslaidanegg!"IsawthatIcouldnotdoit.Johnny'splacewas

under the bed. I could imagine him there, because I could imagine myselfthere;andIthinkIshouldnothavebeeninterestedinahenthatwaslayinganegg; my interest would have been with the parties that were laying thebombshells. I sat at dinner with one of those children in the Club's Indianpalace,andIknewthatallthroughthesiegehewasperfectinghisteethingandlearning to talk; and while to me he was the most impressive object inLucknowaftertheResidencyruins,Iwasnotabletoimaginewhathislifehadbeen during that tempestuous infancy of his, nor what sort of a curioussurprise itmusthavebeen tohimtobemarchedsuddenlyout intoastrangedumbworldwheretherewasn'tanynoise,andnothinggoingon.Hewasonlyforty-one when I saw him, a strangely youthful link to connect the presentwithsoancientanepisodeastheGreatMutiny.By and by we saw Cawnpore, and the open lot which was the scene ofMoore'smemorabledefense, and the spoton the shoreof theGangeswherethemassacreof thebetrayedgarrisonoccurred, and the small Indian templewhence the bugle-signal notified the assassins to fall on. This latter was alonelyspot,andsilent.Thesluggishriverdriftedby,almostcurrentless.Itwasdead low water, narrow channels with vast sandbars between, all the wayacrossthewidebed;andtheonlylivingthinginsightwasthatgrotesqueandsolemnbald-headedbird,theAdjutant,standingonhissix-footstilts,solitaryonadistantbar,withhisheadsunkbetweenhisshoulders,thinking;thinkingof his prize, I suppose—the dead Hindoo that lay awash at his feet, andwhether to eat him alone or invite friends. He and his prey were a properaccenttothatmournfulplace.Theywereinkeepingwithit,theyemphasizeditslonelinessanditssolemnity.Andwe saw the sceneof the slaughterof thehelplesswomenandchildren,andalso thecostlymemorial that isbuiltover thewellwhichcontains theirremains.TheBlackHoleofCalcuttaisgone,butamorereverentageiscome,andwhatever remembrancer still exists of themoving and heroic sufferingsandachievementsofthegarrisonsofLucknowandCawnporewillbeguardedandpreserved.InAgraanditsneighborhood,andafterwardsatDelhi,wesawforts,mosques,andtombs,whichwerebuiltinthegreatdaysoftheMohammedanemperors,and which are marvels of cost, magnitude, and richness of materials andornamentation, creations of surpassing grandeur, wonders which do indeedmakethelikethingsintherestoftheworldseemtameandinconsequentialbycomparison.Iamnotpurposingtodescribethem.BygoodfortuneIhadnotreadtoomuchaboutthem,andthereforewasabletogetanaturalandrationalfocus upon them,with the result that they thrilled, blessed, and exaltedme.But if I had previously overheated my imagination by drinking too muchpestilential literary hot Scotch, I should have suffered disappointment and

sorrow.Imeantospeakofonlyoneofthesemanyworld-renownedbuildings,theTajMahal, themostcelebratedconstruction in theearth. Ihad readagreatdealtoomuchaboutit.Isawitinthedaytime,Isawitinthemoonlight,Isawitnearathand,Isawitfromadistance;andIknewallthetime,thatofitskinditwasthewonderoftheworld,withnocompetitornowandnopossiblefuturecompetitor; and yet, itwas notmyTaj.MyTaj had been built by excitableliterarypeople;itwassolidlylodgedinmyhead,andIcouldnotblastitout.IwishtoplacebeforethereadersomeoftheusualdescriptionsoftheTaj,andaskhimtotakenoteoftheimpressionsleftinhismind.Thesedescriptionsdoreallystatethetruth—asnearlyasthelimitationsoflanguagewillallow.Butlanguage is a treacherous thing, a most unsure vehicle, and it can seldomarrangedescriptivewordsinsuchawaythattheywillnotinflatethefacts—byhelp of the reader's imagination,which is always ready to take a hand, andworkfornothing,anddothebulkofitatthat.Iwillbeginwithafewsentencesfromtheexcellentlittlelocalguide-bookofMr.SatyaChandraMukerji.Itakethemfromhereandthereinhisdescription:"TheinlaidworkoftheTajandtheflowersandpetalsthataretobefoundonallsidesonthesurfaceofthemarbleevinceamostdelicatetouch."Thatistrue."Theinlaidwork,themarble,theflowers,thebuds,theleaves,thepetals,andthelotusstemsarealmostwithoutarivalinthewholeofthecivilizedworld.""TheworkofinlayingwithstonesandgemsisfoundinthehighestperfectionintheTaj."Gems,inlaidflowers,buds,andleavestobefoundonallsides.Whatdoyouseebeforeyou?Isthefairystructuregrowing?Isitbecomingajewelcasket?"ThewholeoftheTajproducesawonderfuleffectthatisequallysublimeandbeautiful."ThenSirWilliamWilsonHunter:"TheTajMahalwithitsbeautifuldomes,'adreamofmarble,'risesontheriverbank.""Thematerialsarewhitemarbleandredsandstone.""Thecomplexityof itsdesignand thedelicate intricacyof theworkmanshipbaffledescription."SirWilliamcontinues.Iwillitalicizesomeofhiswords:"Themausoleumstandsonaraisedmarbleplatformateachofwhosecornersrisesatallandslenderminaretofgracefulproportionsandofexquisitebeauty.

Beyondtheplatformstretchthetwowings,oneofwhichisitselfamosqueofgreat architectural merit. In the center of the whole design the mausoleumoccupiesasquareof186feet,withtheanglesdeeplytruncatedsoastoformanunequal octagon.Themain feature in this central pile is the great dome,which swells upward to nearly two-thirds of a sphere and tapers at itsextremityintoapointedspirecrownedbyacrescent.Beneathitanenclosureofmarbletrellis-worksurroundsthetomboftheprincessandofherhusband,theEmperor.Each corner of themausoleum is covered by a similar thoughmuch smaller dome erected on a pediment pierced with graceful Saracenicarches.Light isadmittedintotheinterior throughadoublescreenofpiercedmarble,whichtemperstheglareofanIndianskywhileitswhitenesspreventsthe mellow effect from degenerating into gloom. The internal decorationsconsist of inlaid work in precious stones, such as agate, jasper, etc., withwhich every squandril or salient point in the architecture is richly fretted.Brown and violet marble is also freely employed in wreaths, scrolls, andlintelstorelievethemonotonyofwhitewall.Inregardtocoloranddesign,theinterior of the Taj may rank first in the world for purely decorativeworkmanship;whiletheperfectsymmetryofitsexterior,onceseencanneverbeforgotten,northeaerialgraceofitsdomes,risinglikemarblebubblesintothe clear sky. The Taj represents the most highly elaborated stage ofornamentationreachedbytheIndo-Mohammedanbuilders,thestageinwhichthe architect ends and the jeweler begins. In its magnificent gateway thediagonal ornamentation at the corners, which satisfied the designers of thegatewaysofItimad-ud-doulahandSikandramausoleumsissupersededbyfinemarblecables, inboldtwists,strongandhandsome.Thetriangularinsertionsof white marble and large flowers have in like manner given place to fineinlaidwork.Firmperpendicularlinesinblackmarblewithwellproportionedpanelsofthesamematerialareeffectivelyusedintheinteriorofthegateway.On its top the Hindu brackets and monolithic architraves of Sikandra arereplacedbyMoorishcarpedarches,usuallysingleblocksofredsandstone,intheKiosksandpavilionswhichadorntheroof.FromthepillaredpavilionsamagnificentviewisobtainedoftheTajgardensbelow,withthenobleJumnariverat their fartherend,and thecityandfortofAgra in thedistance.Fromthisbeautifulandsplendidgatewayonepassesupastraightalleyshadedbyevergreen trees cooled by a broad shallowpiece ofwater running along themiddleofthepathtotheTajitself.TheTajisentirelyofmarbleandgems.TheredsandstoneoftheotherMohammedanbuildingshasentirelydisappeared,orrathertheredsandstonewhichusedtoformthethicknessofthewalls,isintheTajitselfoverlaidcompletelywithwhitemarble,andthewhitemarbleisitselfinlaidwithpreciousstonesarrangedinlovelypatternsofflowers.AfeelingofpurityimpressesitselfontheeyeandthemindfromtheabsenceofthecoarsermaterialwhichformssoinvariableamaterialinAgraarchitecture.Thelower

wallandpanelsarecoveredwithtulips,oleanders,andfullblownlilies,inflatcarvingonthewhitemarble;andalthoughtheinlaidworkofflowersdoneingemsisverybrilliantwhenlookedatclosely, there isonthewholebut littlecolor,andtheall-prevailingsentimentisoneofwhiteness,silence,andcalm.Thewhitenessisbrokenonlybythefinecoloroftheinlaidgems,bylinesinblackmarble, and by delicatelywritten inscriptions, also in black, from theKoran.Underthedomeofthevastmausoleumahighandbeautifulscreenofopentraceryinwhitemarblerisesaroundthetwotombs,orrathercenotaphsoftheemperorandhisprincess;andinthismarvelofmarblethecarvinghasadvanced from the old geometrical patterns to a trellis-work of flowers andfoliage,handledwithgreatfreedomandspirit.Thetwocenotaphsinthecenterof the exquisite enclosure have no carving except the plain Kalamdan oroblongpen-boxonthetombofEmperorShahJehan.Butbothcenotaphsareinlaidwithflowersmadeofcostlygems,andwiththeevergracefuloleanderscroll."BayardTaylor,afterdescribingthedetailsoftheTaj,goesontosay:"Onboth sides the palm, the banyan, and the feathery bamboomingle theirfoliage; the songof birdsmeets your ears, and theodor of roses and lemonflowerssweetenstheair.DownsuchavistaandoversuchaforegroundrisestheTaj.Thereisnomystery,nosenseofpartialfailureabouttheTaj.Athingofperfectbeautyandofabsolute finish ineverydetail, itmightpass for thework of genii who knew naught of the weaknesses and ills with whichmankindarebeset."All of these details are true. But, taken together, they state a falsehood—toyou.Youcannotaddthemupcorrectly.Thosewritersknowthevaluesoftheirwords and phrases, but to you the words and phrases convey other anduncertainvalues.TothosewriterstheirphraseshavevalueswhichIthinkIamnowacquaintedwith;andforthehelpofthereaderIwillhererepeatcertainofthosewordsandphrases,andfollowthemwithnumeralswhichshallrepresentthose values—thenwe shall see the difference between a writer's cipheringandamistakenreader's:Preciousstones,suchasagate,jasper,etc.—5.Withwhicheverysalientpointisrichlyfretted—5.Firstintheworldforpurelydecorativeworkmanship—9.TheTajrepresentsthestagewherethearchitectendsandthejewelerbegins—5.TheTajisentirelyofmarbleandgems—7.Inlaidwithpreciousstonesinlovelypatternsofflowers—5.Theinlaidworkofflowersdoneingemsisverybrilliant(followedbyamost

importantmodificationwhichthereaderissuretoreadtoocarelessly)—2.Thevastmausoleum—5.Thismarvelofmarble—5.Theexquisiteenclosure—5.Inlaidwithflowersmadeofcostlygems—5.Athingofperfectbeautyandabsolutefinish—5.Thosedetailsarecorrect;thefigureswhichIhaveplacedafterthemrepresentquite fairly their individualvalues.Thenwhy, as awhole,do theyconveyafalseimpressiontothereader?Itisbecausethereader—beguiledbyhisheatedimagination—massestheminthewrongway.Thewriterwouldmassthefirstthreefiguresinthefollowingway,andtheywouldspeakthetruth.Total—19Butthereadermassesthemthus—andthentheytellalie—559.Thewriterwould add all of his twelvenumerals together, and then the sumwouldexpressthewholetruthabouttheTaj,andthetruthonly—63.Butthereader—alwayshelpedbyhisimagination—wouldputthefiguresinarowoneaftertheother,andgetthissum,whichwouldtellhimanoblebiglie:559575255555.Youmustputinthecommasyourself;Ihavetogoonwithmywork.Thereaderwillalwaysbesuretoputthefigurestogetherinthatwrongway,andthenassurelybeforehimwillstand,sparklinginthesun,agem-crustedTajtallastheMatterhorn.IhadtovisitNiagarafifteentimesbeforeIsucceededingettingmyimaginaryFalls gauged to the actuality and could begin to sanely and wholesomelywonderatthemforwhattheywere,notwhatIhadexpectedthemtobe.WhenIfirstapproachedthemitwaswithmyfaceliftedtowardthesky,forIthoughtIwasgoing toseeanAtlanticoceanpouringdownthenceovercloud-vexedHimalayanheights,asea-greenwallofwatersixtymiles frontandsixmileshigh, and so,when the toy reality came suddenly into view—that beruffledlittlewetapronhangingouttodry—theshockwastoomuchforme,andIfellwithadullthud.Yetslowly,surely,steadily,inthecourseofmyfifteenvisits,theproportionsadjustedthemselvestothefacts,andIcameatlasttorealizethatawaterfallahundred and sixty-five feet high and a quarter of a mile wide was animpressive thing. It was not a dipperful tomy vanished great vision, but itwouldanswer.IknowthatIoughttodowiththeTajasIwasobligedtodowithNiagara—

seeitfifteentimes,andletmymindgraduallygetridoftheTajbuiltinitbyitsdescribers,byhelpofmyimagination,andsubstituteforittheTajoffact.Itwouldbenobleandfine,then,andamarvel;notthemarvelwhichitreplaced,but still a marvel, and fine enough. I am a careless reader, I suppose—animpressionist reader; an impressionist readerofwhat is not an impressionistpicture; a reader who overlooks the informing details or masses their sumimproperly, andgetsonlya large splashy,general effect—aneffectwhich isnotcorrect,andwhichisnotwarrantedbytheparticularsplacedbeforeme—particularswhichIdidnotexamine,andwhosemeaningsIdidnotcautiouslyandcarefullyestimate.Itisaneffectwhichissomethirty-fiveorfortytimesfiner than the reality, and is therefore a great deal better andmore valuablethan the reality; and so, I ought never to hunt up the reality, but staymilesawayfromit,and thuspreserveundamagedmyownprivatemightyNiagaratumblingoutofthevaultofheaven,andmyownineffableTaj,builtoftintedmistsuponjeweledarchesofrainbowssupportedbycolonnadesofmoonlight.Itisamistakeforapersonwithanunregulatedimaginationtogoandlookatanillustriousworld'swonder.Isupposethatmany,manyyearsagoIgatheredtheideathattheTaj'splaceinthe achievements of man was exactly the place of the ice-storm in theachievementsofNature; that theTaj representedman's supremestpossibilityinthecreationofgraceandbeautyandexquisitenessandsplendor,justastheice-stormrepresentsNature'ssupremestpossibilityinthecombinationofthosesamequalities. Idonotknowhow longago that ideawasbred inme,but Iknow that I cannot remember back to a timewhen the thought of either ofthese symbols of gracious and unapproachable perfection did not at oncesuggesttheother.IfIthoughtoftheice-storm,theTajrosebeforemedivinelybeautiful;ifIthoughtoftheTaj,withitsencrustingsandinlayingsofjewels,thevisionoftheice-stormrose.Andso,tome,alltheseyears,theTajhashadno rival among the temples and palaces of men, none that even remotelyapproachedit—itwasman'sarchitecturalice-storm.Here inLondon theothernight Iwas talkingwithsomeScotchandEnglishfriends, and Imentioned the ice-storm, using it as a figure—a figurewhichfailed,fornoneofthemhadheardoftheice-storm.Onegentleman,whowasveryfamiliarwithAmericanliterature,saidhehadneverseenitmentionedinanybook.Thatisstrange.AndI,myself,wasnotabletosaythatIhadseenitmentioned in a book; and yet the autumn foliage, with all other Americanscenery,hasreceivedfullandcompetentattention.Theoversightisstrange,forinAmericatheice-stormisanevent.Anditisnotaneventwhichoneiscarelessabout.Whenitcomes,thenewsfliesfromroomtoroominthehouse,therearebangingsonthedoors,andshoutings,"Theice-storm!the ice-storm!"andeven the laziestsleepers throwoff thecoversand

jointherushforthewindows.Theice-stormoccursinmidwinter,andusuallyitsenchantmentsarewrought in thesilenceand thedarknessof thenight.Afinedrizzlingrainfallshourafterhouruponthenakedtwigsandbranchesofthetrees,andasitfallsitfreezes.Intimethetrunkandeverybranchandtwigareincasedinhardpureice;sothatthetreelookslikeaskeletontreemadeallofglass—glass that is crystal-clear.All along theundersideof everybranchandtwigisacomboflittleicicles—thefrozendrip.Sometimesthesependantsdonotquiteamounttoicicles,butareroundbeads—frozentears.Theweather clears, towarddawn, and leaves abriskpure atmosphere and askywithoutashredofcloudinit—andeverythingisstill,thereisnotabreathofwind.Thedawnbreaksandspreads,thenewsofthestormgoesaboutthehouse,and the littleand thebig, inwrapsandblankets, flock to thewindowandpress together there,andgaze intentlyoutupon thegreatwhiteghost inthegrounds,andnobodysaysaword,nobodystirs.Allarewaiting;theyknowwhatiscoming,andtheyarewaitingwaitingforthemiracle.Theminutesdriftonandonandon,withnotasoundbutthetickingoftheclock;atlastthesunfires a sudden sheaf of rays into the ghostly tree and turns it into a whitesplendor of glittering diamonds. Everybody catches his breath, and feels aswellinginhisthroatandamoistureinhiseyes-butwaitsagain;forheknowswhat is coming; there is more yet. The sun climbs higher, and still higher,floodingthetreefromitsloftiestspreadofbranchestoitslowest,turningittoa glory of white fire; then in a moment, without warning, comes the greatmiracle,thesuprememiracle,themiraclewithoutitsfellowintheearth;agustofwind sets every branch and twig to swaying, and in an instant turns thewholewhite tree intoaspoutingandsprayingexplosionof flashinggemsofeveryconceivablecolor;andthereitstandsandswaysthiswayandthat,flash!flash! flash! a dancing and glancing world of rubies, emeralds, diamonds,sapphires,themostradiantspectacle,themostblindingspectacle,thedivinest,the most exquisite, the most intoxicating vision of fire and color andintolerableandunimaginablesplendorthateveranyeyehasresteduponinthisworld,orwilleverrestuponoutsideofthegatesofheaven.By all my senses, all my faculties, I know that the icestorm is Nature'ssupremestachievementinthedomainofthesuperbandthebeautiful;andbymyreason,atleast,IknowthattheTajisman'sice-storm.In the ice-storm every one of the myriad ice-beads pendant from twig andbranchisanindividualgem,andchangescolorwitheverymotioncausedbythewind;eachtreecarriesamillion,andaforest-frontexhibitsthesplendorsofthesingletreemultipliedbyathousand.ItoccurstomenowthatIhaveneverseentheice-stormputuponcanvas,andhavenotheardthatanypainterhastriedtodoit.Iwonderwhythatis.Isitthatpaintcannotcounterfeittheintenseblazeofasun-floodedjewel?Thereshould

be,andmustbe,areason,andagoodone,whythemostenchantingsightthatNaturehascreatedhasbeenneglectedbythebrush.Often,thesurestwaytoconveymisinformationistotell thestricttruth.Thedescribers of the Taj have used the word gem in its strictest sense—itsscientificsense.Inthatsenseit isamildword,andpromisesbutlittletotheeye—nothingbright,nothingbrilliant,nothingsparkling,nothingsplendid inthewayofcolor.Itaccuratelydescribesthesoberandunobtrusivegem-workoftheTaj;thatis,totheveryhighly-educatedonepersoninathousand;butitmostfalselydescribesittothe999.Butthe999arethepeoplewhooughttobeespeciallytakencareof,andtothemitdoesnotmeanquiet-coloreddesignswrought in carnelians, or agates, or such things; they know theword in itswideandordinary senseonly, andso to them itmeansdiamondsand rubiesand opals and their kindred, and themoment their eyes fall upon it in printtheyseeavisionofgloriouscolorsclothedinfire.Thesedescribersarewritingforthe"general,"andso,inordertomakesureofbeing understood, they ought to use words in their ordinary sense, or elseexplain. The word fountain means one thing in Syria, where there is but ahandfulofpeople;itmeansquiteanotherthinginNorthAmerica,wherethereare75,000,000.IfIweredescribingsomeSyrianscenery,andshouldexclaim,"WithinthenarrowspaceofaquarterofamilesquareIsaw,inthegloryofthefloodingmoonlight,twohundrednoblefountains—imaginethespectacle!"the North American would have a vision of clustering columns of watersoaring aloft, bending over in graceful arches, bursting in beaded spray andrainingwhitefireinthemoonlight-andhewouldbedeceived.ButtheSyrianwouldnotbedeceived;hewouldmerelyseetwohundredfresh-watersprings—twohundreddrowsingpuddles,aslevelandunpretentiousandunexcitedassomanydoor-mats,andevenwiththehelpofthemoonlighthewouldnotlosehis grip in the presence of the exhibition. My word "fountain" would becorrect;itwouldspeakthestricttruth;anditwouldconveythestricttruthtothehandfulofSyrians,andthestrictestmisinformationtotheNorthAmericanmillions.With their gems—and gems—andmore gems—and gems again—and still othergems—thedescribersof theTaj arewithin their legalbutnottheirmoralrights;theyaredealinginthestrictestscientifictruth;andindoingittheysucceedtoadmirationintelling"whatain'tso."

CHAPTERLX.

SATAN(impatiently)toNEW-COMER.ThetroublewithyouChicagopeopleis,thatyouthinkyouarethebestpeopledownhere;whereasyouaremerelythemostnumerous.

—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.Wewandered contentedly aroundhere and there in India; toLahore, amongother places, where the Lieutenant-Governor lent me an elephant. Thishospitality stands out inmy experiences in a stately isolation. Itwas a fineelephant,affable,gentlemanly,educated,andIwasnotafraidofit.Ievenrodeitwithconfidencethroughthecrowdedlanesofthenativecity,whereitscaredallthehorsesoutoftheirsenses,andwherechildrenwerealwaysjustescapingitsfeet.Ittookthemiddleoftheroadinafineindependentway,andleftittotheworldtogetoutofthewayortaketheconsequences.IamusedtobeingafraidofcollisionswhenIrideordrive,butwhenoneisontopofanelephantthat feeling is absent. I could have ridden in comfort through a regiment ofrunawayteams.Icouldeasilylearntopreferanelephanttoanyothervehicle,partlybecauseofthatimmunityfromcollisions,andpartlybecauseofthefineviewonehasfromupthere,andpartlybecauseofthedignityonefeelsinthathighplace,andpartlybecauseonecanlookinatthewindowsandseewhatisgoing on privately among the family. The Lahore horses were used toelephants,but theywere rapturouslyafraidof them just the same. It seemedcurious.Perhapsthebettertheyknowtheelephantthemoretheyrespecthiminthatpeculiarway.Inourowncase—wearenotafraidofdynamite tillwegetacquaintedwithit.WedriftedasfarasRawalPindi,awayupontheAfghanfrontier—Ithinkitwas theAfghan frontier,but itmayhavebeenHertzegovina—itwasaroundthere somewhere—anddown again toDelhi, to see the ancient architecturalwonders there and inOldDelhi and not describe them, and also to see thesceneof the illustrious assault, in theMutinydays,when theBritish carriedDelhi by storm, one of the marvels of history for impudent daring andimmortalvalor.We had a refreshing rest, there in Delhi, in a great old mansion whichpossessed historical interest. It was built by a rich Englishman who hadbecome orientalized—so much so that he had a zenana. But he was abroadmindedman,andremainedso.Topleasehisharemhebuiltamosque;toplease himself he built an English church. That kind of a man will arrive,somewhere. In the Mutiny days the mansion was the British general'sheadquarters. It stands in a great garden—oriental fashion—and about it aremany noble trees. The trees harbor monkeys; and they are monkeys of awatchfulandenterprisingsort,andnotmuchtroubledwithfear.Theyinvadethe house whenever they get a chance, and carry off everything they don'twant.Onemorningthemasterofthehousewasinhisbath,andthewindowwas open.Near it stood a pot of yellow paint and a brush. Somemonkeysappearedinthewindow;toscarethemaway,thegentlemanthrewhisspongeatthem.Theydidnotscareatall;theyjumpedintotheroomandthrewyellow

paint all overhim from thebrush, anddrovehimout; then theypainted thewallsandthefloorandthetankandthewindowsandthefurnitureyellow,andwereinthedressing-roompaintingthatwhenhelparrivedandroutedthem.Two of these creatures came intomy room in the earlymorning, through awindowwhose shutters I had left open, andwhen Iwoke one of themwasbefore theglassbrushinghishair, and theotheronehadmynote-book, andwasreadingapageofhumorousnotesandcrying.Ididnotmindtheonewiththe hair-brush, but the conduct of the other one hurtme; it hurtsme yet. Ithrewsomethingathim,andthatwaswrong,formyhosthadtoldmethatthemonkeyswerebestleftalone.Theythreweverythingatmethattheycouldlift,andthenwentintothebathroomtogetsomemorethings,andIshutthedooronthem.At Jeypore, inRajputana,wemade a considerable stay.Wewere not in thenative city, but severalmiles from it, in the smallEuropean official suburb.There were but few Europeans—only fourteen but they were all kind andhospitable,anditamountedtobeingathome.InJeyporewefoundagainwhatwehad found all about India—thatwhile the Indian servant is in hisway avery real treasure, he will sometimes bear watching, and the Englishmanwatcheshim.Ifhesendshimonanerrand,hewantsmorethantheman'swordforitthathedidtheerrand.Whenfruitandvegetablesweresenttous,a"chit"came with them—a receipt for us to sign; otherwise the things might notarrive. If a gentleman sent up his carriage, the chit stated "from" such-and-such an hour "to" such-and-such an hour—which made it unhandy for thecoachmanandhis twoor three subordinates toput us offwith apart of theallottedtimeanddevotetherestofittoalarkoftheirown.We were pleasantly situated in a small two-storied inn, in an empty largecompoundwhichwassurroundedbyamudwallashighasaman'shead.Theinn was kept by nine Hindoo brothers, its owners. They lived, with theirfamilies, inaone-storiedbuildingwithin thecompound,butoff tooneside,andtherewasalwaysalongpileoftheirlittlecomelybrownchildrenlooselystackedinitsveranda,andadetachmentoftheparentswedgedamongthem,smokingthehookahor thehowdah,orwhatever theycall it.Bytheverandastoodapalm,andamonkey lived in it,and leda lonesome life,andalwayslookedsadandweary,andthecrowsbotheredhimagooddeal.The inn cow poked about the compound and emphasized the secluded andcountryairoftheplace,andtherewasadogofnoparticularbreed,whowasalways present in the compound, and always asleep, always stretched outbakinginthesunandaddingtothedeeptranquilityandreposefulnessoftheplace,whenthecrowswereawayonbusiness.White-draperiedservantswerecomingandgoingallthetime,buttheyseemedonlyspirits,fortheirfeetwerebareandmadenosound.Downthelaneapiecelivedanelephantintheshade

of a noble tree, and rocked and rocked, and reached about with his trunk,begging of his brownmistress or fumbling the children playing at his feet.Andtherewerecamelsabout,buttheygoonvelvetfeet,andwerepropertothesilenceandserenityofthesurroundings.TheSatanmentioned at the head of this chapterwas not our Satan, but theotherone.OurSatanwaslost tous. In these laterdayshehadpassedoutofourlife—lamentedbyme,andsincerely.Iwasmissinghim;Iammissinghimyet,afterallthesemonths.Hewasanastonishingcreaturetoflyaroundanddothings.Hedidn't alwaysdo themquite right,buthedid them,anddid themsuddenly.Therewasnotimewasted.Youwouldsay:"Packthetrunksandbags,Satan.""Wairgood"(verygood).Thentherewouldbeabriefsoundofthrashingandslashingandhummingandbuzzing, and a spectacle as of awhirlwind spinning gowns and jackets andcoatsandbootsandthingsthroughtheair,andthenwithbowandtouch—"Awready,master."Itwaswonderful.Itmadeonedizzy.Hecrumpleddressesagooddeal,andhehadnoparticularplanaboutthework—atfirst—excepttoputeacharticleintothetrunkitdidn'tbelongin.Buthesoonreformed,inthismatter.Notentirely;for,tothelast,hewouldcramintothesatchelsacredtoliteratureanyoddsandends of rubbish that he couldn't find a handy place for elsewhere. Whenthreatenedwithdeathforthis,itdidnottroublehim;heonlylookedpleasant,salutedwithsoldierlygrace,said"Wairgood,"anddiditagainnextday.Hewasalwaysbusy;kepttheroomstidiedup,thebootspolished,theclothesbrushed, the wash-basin full of clean water, my dress clothes laid out andreadyforthelecture-hallanhouraheadoftime;andhedressedmefromheadtoheelinspiteofmydeterminationtodoitmyself,accordingtomylifelongcustom.He was a born boss, and loved to command, and to jaw and dispute withinferiorsandharrythemandbullyragthem.Hewasfineattherailwaystation—yes,hewasathisfinestthere.Hewouldshoulderandplungeandpawhisviolentwaythroughthepackedmultitudeofnativeswithnineteencooliesathis tail, each bearing a trifle of luggage—one a trunk, another a parasol,anotherashawl,anotherafan,andsoon;onearticletoeach,andthelongertheprocession, thebetterhewassuited—andhewassure tomake forsomeengagedsleeperandbegintohurltheowner'sthingsoutofit,swearingthatitwas ours and that there had been amistake.Arrived at our own sleeper, hewould undo the bedding-bundles and make the beds and put everything torightsandshipshape in twominutes; thenputhisheadoutat awindowandhavea restfulgood timeabusinghisgangofcooliesanddisputing theirbill

untilwearrivedandmadehimpaythemandstophisnoise.Speakingofnoise,hecertainlywasthenoisestlittledevilinIndia—andthatissayingmuch, verymuch, indeed. I loved him for his noise, but the familydetestedhimforit.Theycouldnotabideit;theycouldnotgetreconciledtoit.Ithumiliatedthem.Asarule,whenwegotwithinsixhundredyardsofoneofthose big railway stations, a mighty racket of screaming and shrieking andshoutingandstormingwouldbreakuponus,andIwouldbehappytomyself,andthefamilywouldsay,withshame:"There—that'sSatan.Whydoyoukeephim?"And, sure enough, there in thewhirlingmidst of fifteen hundredwonderingpeoplewewouldfindthatlittlescrapofacreaturegesticulatinglikeaspiderwith the colic, his black eyes snapping, his fez-tassel dancing, his jawspouringoutfloodsofbillingsgateuponhisgangofbeseechingandastonishedcoolies.Ilovedhim;Icouldn'thelpit;butthefamily—why,theycouldhardlyspeakofhimwithpatience.TothisdayIregrethisloss,andwishIhadhimback;butthey—itisdifferentwiththem.Hewasanative,andcamefromSurat.Twentydegrees of latitude lay between his birthplace and Manuel's, and fifteenhundred between their ways and characters and dispositions. I only likedManuel,butIlovedSatan.Thislatter'srealnamewasintenselyIndian.Icouldnot quite get the hang of it, but it sounded like Bunder Rao RamChunderClamChowder.Itwastoolongforhandyuse,anyway;soIreducedit.When he had beenwith us two or threeweeks, he began tomakemistakeswhichIhaddifficultyinpatchingupforhim.ApproachingBenaresoneday,he got out of the train to see if he could get up a misunderstanding withsomebody,forithadbeenaweary,longjourneyandhewantedtofreshenup.Hefoundwhathewasafter,butkeptuphispow-wowashade too longandgot left. So there we were in a strange city and no chambermaid. It wasawkwardforus,andwetoldhimhemustnotdosoanymore.Hesalutedandsaidinhisdear,pleasantway,"Wairgood."ThenatLucknowhegotdrunk.Isaiditwasafever,andgotthefamily'scompassion,andsolicitudearoused;sotheygavehimateaspoonfulofliquidquinineanditsethisvitalsonfire.HemadeseveralgrimaceswhichgavemeabetterideaoftheLisbonearthquakethananyIhaveevergotofitfrompaintingsanddescriptions.Hisdrunkwasstillportentouslysolidnextmorning,butIcouldhavepulledhimthroughwiththefamily ifhewouldonlyhave takenanotherspoonfulof that remedy;butno,althoughhewasstupefied,hismemorystillhadflickeringsof life;sohesmiledadivinelydullsmileandsaid,fumblinglysaluting:"Scooseme,memSaheb,scooseme,MissySaheb;Satannotpreferit,please."Thensomeinstinctrevealedtothemthathewasdrunk.Theygavehimprompt

noticethatnexttimethishappenedhemustgo.Hegotoutamaudlinandmostgentle"Wairgood,"andsalutedindefinitely.Onlyone shortweek laterhe fell again.Andoh, sorrow!not in ahotel thistime,butinanEnglishgentleman'sprivatehouse.AndinAgra,ofallplaces.Sohehadtogo.WhenItoldhim,hesaidpatiently,"Wairgood,"andmadehisparting salute, andwent out from us to return nomore forever.Dearme! Iwouldratherhavelostahundredangelsthanthatonepoorlovelydevil.Whatstyle he used to put on, in a swell hotel or in a private house—snow-whitemuslin fromhischin tohisbare feet,acrimsonsashembroideredwithgoldthreadaroundhiswaist,andonhisheadagreatsea-green turban like to theturbanoftheGrandTurk.Hewasnotaliar;buthewillbecomeoneifhekeepson.Hetoldmeoncethathe used to crack cocoanuts with his teeth when hewas a boy; andwhen Iaskedhowhegotthemintohismouth,hesaidhewasupwardofsixfeethighat that time, and had an unusual mouth. Andwhen I followed him up andaskedhimwhathadbecomeofthatotherfoot,hesaidahousefellonhimandhewasneverabletogethisstaturebackagain.Swervingslikethesefromthestrict lineof fact oftenbeguile a truthfulmanon andonuntil he eventuallybecomesaliar.His successor was a Mohammedan, Sahadat Mohammed Khan; very dark,verytall,verygrave.Hewentalwaysinflowingmassesofwhite,fromthetopofhisbigturbandowntohisbarefeet.Hisvoicewaslow.Heglidedaboutinanoiselessway,andlookedlikeaghost.Hewascompetentandsatisfactory.Butwherehewas,itseemedalwaysSunday.ItwasnotsoinSatan'stime.JeyporeisintenselyIndian,butithastwoorthreefeatureswhichindicatethepresence of European science and European interest in the weal of thecommon public, such as the liberal water-supply furnished by great worksbuilt at the State's expense; good sanitation, resulting in a degree ofhealthfulness unusually high for India; a noble pleasure garden, withprivileged days for women; schools for the instruction of native youth inadvancedart,bothornamentalandutilitarian;andanewandbeautifulpalacestocked with a museum of extraordinary interest and value. Without theMaharaja's sympathy and purse these beneficences could not have beencreated; but he is aman ofwide views and large generosities, and all suchmattersfindhospitalitywithhim.WedroveoftentothecityfromthehotelKaiser-i-Hind,ajourneywhichwasalways full of interest, both night and day, for that country roadwas neverquiet,neverempty,butwasalwaysIndiainmotion,alwaysastreamingfloodof brown people clothed in smouchings from the rainbow, a tossing andmoiling flood, happy, noisy, a charming and satisfying confusion of strangehumanandstrangeanimallifeandequallystrangeandoutlandishvehicles.

Andthecityitselfisacuriosity.AnyIndiancityisthat,butthisoneisnotlikeanyotherthatwesaw.Itisshutupinaloftyturretedwall;themainbodyofitis divided into six parts by perfectly straight streets that are more than ahundred feetwide; theblocksof houses exhibit a long frontageof themosttaking architectural quaintnesses, the straight lines beingbroken everywherebypretty littlebalconies,pillaredandhighlyornamented, andother cunningand cozy and inviting perches and projections, and many of the fronts arecuriouslypicturedbythebrush,andthewholeofthemhavethesoftrichtintof strawberry ice-cream.One cannot look down the far stretch of the chiefstreetandpersuadehimselfthatthesearerealhouses,andthatitisalloutofdoors—theimpressionthatitisanunreality,apicture,asceneinatheater,istheonlyonethatwilltakehold.Then there came a great daywhen this illusionwasmore pronounced thanever.A richHindoohadbeenspendinga fortuneupon themanufactureofacrowd of idols and accompanying paraphernalia whose purpose was toillustratescenesinthelifeofhisespecialgodorsaint,andthisfineshowwastobebroughtthroughthetowninprocessionalstateatteninthemorning.Aswepassedthroughthegreatpublicpleasuregardenonourwaytothecitywefounditcrowdedwithnatives.Thatwasonesight.Thentherewasanother.Inthemidstofthespaciouslawnsstandsthepalacewhichcontainsthemuseum—abeautifulconstructionofstonewhichshowsarchedcolonnades,oneaboveanother, and receding, terrace-fashion, toward the sky. Every one of theseterraces,allthewaytothetopone,waspackedandjammedwithnatives.Onemust try to imaginethosesolidmassesofsplendidcolor,oneaboveanother,upandup,againstthebluesky,andtheIndiansunturningthemalltobedsoffireandflame.Later, when we reached the city, and glanced down the chief avenue,smouldering in its crushed-strawberry tint, those splendid effects wererepeated; for every balcony, and every fanciful bird-cage of a snuggerycountersunkinthehouse-fronts,andallthelonglinesofroofswerecrowdedwithpeople,andeachcrowdwasanexplosionofbrilliantcolor.Thenthewidestreetitself,awaydownanddownanddownintothedistance,was alive with gorgeously-clothed people not still, but moving, swaying,drifting, eddying, a delirious display of all colors and all shades of color,delicate,lovely,pale,soft,strong,stunning,vivid,brilliant,asortofstormofsweetpeablossomspassingonthewingsofahurricane;andpresently,throughthis storm of color, came swaying and swinging the majestic elephants,clothed in their Sunday best of gaudinesses, and the long procession offanciful trucks freightedwith theirgroupsofcuriousandcostly images,andthenthelongrearguardofstatelycamels,withtheirpicturesqueriders.Forcolor,andpicturesqueness,andnovelty,andoutlandishness,andsustained

interestandfascination,itwasthemostsatisfyingshowIhadeverseen,andIsupposeIshallnothavetheprivilegeoflookinguponitslikeagain.

CHAPTERLXI.

In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then He madeSchoolBoards.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.SupposeweappliednomoreingenuitytotheinstructionofdeafanddumbandblindchildrenthanwesometimesapplyinourAmericanpublicschoolstotheinstructionofchildrenwhoareinpossessionofalltheirfaculties?Theresultwould be that the deaf and dumb and blind would acquire nothing. Theywouldliveanddieasignorantasbricksandstones.Themethodsusedintheasylums are rational. The teacher exactly measures the child's capacity, tobeginwith;andfromthenceonwardsthetasksimposedarenicelygaugedtothegradualdevelopmentofthatcapacity,thetaskskeeppacewiththestepsofthechild'sprogress,theydon'tjumpmilesandleaguesaheadofitbyirrationalcapriceandlandinvacancy—accordingtotheaveragepublic-schoolplan.Inthepublic school, apparently, they teach thechild to spell cat, thenask it tocalculateaneclipse;whenitcanreadwordsoftwosyllables,theyrequireittoexplain the circulation of the blood; when it reaches the head of the infantclass they bully it with conundrums that cover the domain of universalknowledge.Thissoundsextravagant—andis;yetitgoesnogreatwaybeyondthefacts.I received a curious letter oneday, from thePunjab (youmust pronounce itPunjawb). The handwriting was excellent, and the wording was English—English, and yet not exactly English. The style was easy and smooth andflowing, yet there was something subtly foreign about it—A somethingtropicallyornateandsentimentalandrhetorical.ItturnedouttobetheworkofaHindooyouth,theholderofahumbleclericalbilletinarailwayoffice.Hehadbeeneducated inoneof thenumerouscollegesof India.Upon inquiry Iwastoldthatthecountrywasfullofyoungfellowsofhislike.Theyhadbeeneducated away up to the snow-summits of learning—and themarket for allthiselaboratecultivationwasminutelyoutofproportiontothevastnessoftheproduct.Thismarketconsistedofsomethousandsofsmallclericalpostsunderthegovernment—thesupplyofmaterialforitwasmultitudinous.Ifthisyouthwith the flowing style and the blossoming English was occupying a smallrailwayclerkship,itmeantthattherewerehundredsandhundredsascapableashe,orhewouldbe inahighplace;and itcertainlymeant that therewerethousandswhoseeducationandcapacityhadfallenalittleshort,andthatthey

wouldhavetogowithoutplaces.Apparently,then,thecollegesofIndiaweredoingwhatourhighschoolshavelongbeendoing—richlyover-supplyingthemarket for highly-educated service; and thereby doing a damage to thescholar,andthroughhimtothecountry.At home I once made a speech deploring the injuries inflicted by the highschoolinmakinghandicraftsdistastefultoboyswhowouldhavebeenwillingtomakealivingattradesandagricultureiftheyhadbuthadthegoodlucktostop with the common school. But I made no converts. Not one, in acommunity overrun with educated idlers who were above following theirfathers'mechanicaltrades,yetcouldfindnomarketfortheirbook-knowledge.ThesamemailthatbroughtmetheletterfromthePunjab,broughtalsoalittlebook published by Messrs. Thacker, Spink & Co., of Calcutta, whichinterestedme, for both its preface and its contents treated of thismatter ofover-education.IntheprefaceoccursthisparagraphfromtheCalcuttaReview.For"Governmentoffice" read"drygoodsclerkship"and itwill fitmore thanoneregionofAmerica:"The education that we give makes the boys a little less clownish in theirmanners,andmoreintelligentwhenspokentobystrangers.Ontheotherhand,ithasmadethemlesscontentedwiththeirlotinlife,andlesswillingtoworkwiththeirhands.Theformwhichdiscontent takes in thiscountry isnotofahealthy kind; for, the Natives of India consider that the only occupationworthy of an educated man is that of a writership in some office, andespecially in a Government office. The village schoolboy goes back to theplowwith the greatest reluctance; and the town schoolboy carries the samediscontent and inefficiency into his father's workshop. Sometimes these ex-students positively refuse at first towork; andmore than once parents haveopenlyexpressedtheirregretthattheyeverallowedtheirsonstobeinveigledtoschool."ThelittlebookwhichIamquotingfromiscalled"Indo-AnglianLiterature,"and is well stockedwith "baboo" English—clerkly English, booky English,acquiredintheschools.Someofitisveryfunny,—almostasfunny,perhaps,aswhatyouandIproducewhenwetrytowriteinalanguagenotourown;butmuch of it is surprisingly correct and free. If I were going to quote goodEnglish—but I am not. India iswell stockedwith nativeswho speak it andwrite it aswell as thebestofus. Imerelywish to showsomeof thequaintimperfect attempts at the use of our tongue. There are many letters in thebook;poverty imploringhelp—bread,money,kindness,office—generallyanoffice, a clerkship, some way to get food and a rag out of the applicant'sunmarketableeducation;andfoodnotforhimselfalone,butsometimesforadozen helpless relations in addition to his own family; for those people areastonishinglyunselfish,andadmirablyfaithfultotheirtiesofkinship.Among

usIthinkthereisnothingapproachingit.Strangeassomeofthesewailingandsupplicatinglettersare,humbleandevengrovelingassomeofthemare,andquaintly funnyandconfusedasagoodlynumberof themare, there isstillapathosaboutthem,asarule,thatcheckstherisinglaughandreproachesit.Inthefollowingletter"father"isnottobereadliterally.InCeylonalittlenativebeggar-girl embarrassedme by callingme father, although I knew she wasmistaken.IwassonewthatIdidnotknowthatshewasmerelyfollowingthecustomofthedependentandthesupplicant."SIR,"Ipraypleasetogivemesomeaction(work)forIamverypoorboyIhavenoonetohelpmeevensofatherforitsoitseemedinthygoodsight,yougivetheTelegraphOffice,andanotherworkwhatisyourwishIamverypoorboy,thisunderstandwhatisyourwishyoumyfatherIamyoursonthisunderstandwhatisyourwish."YourSirvent,P.C.B."Throughagesofdebasingoppressionsufferedbythesepeopleatthehandsoftheir native rulers, they come legitimately by the attitude and language offawningandflattery,andonemustrememberthisinmitigationwhenpassingjudgmentupon thenativecharacter. It iscommon in these letters to find thepetitionerfurtivelytryingtogetatthewhiteman'ssoftreligiousside;eventhispoorboybaitshishookwithamaceratedBible-text in thehope that itmaycatchsomethingifallelsefail.HereisanapplicationforthepostofinstructorinEnglishtosomechildren:"MyDearSirorGentleman,thatyourPetitionerhasmuchqualificationintheLanguageofEnglishtoinstructtheyoungboys;IwasgiventounderstandthatyourofsuitablechildrenhastoacquiretheknowledgeofEnglishlanguage."AsasampleofthefloweryEasternstyle,IwilltakeasentenceortwofromalongletterwrittenbyayoungnativetotheLieutenant-GovernorofBengal—anapplicationforemployment:"HONOREDANDMUCHRESPECTEDSIR,"I hope your honorwill condescend to hear the tale of this poor creature. Ishall overflowwith gratitude at thismark of your royal condescension.Thebird-like happiness has flown away from my nest-like heart and has nothithertoreturnedfromtheperiodwhencetheroseofmyfather'slifesufferedtheautumnalbreathofdeath,inplainEnglishhepassedthroughthegatesofGrave, and from that hour the phantom of delight has never danced beforeme."It is all school-English, book-English, you see; and good enough, too, allthingsconsidered.Ifthenativeboyhadbutthatonestudyhewouldshine,he

would dazzle, no doubt. But that is not the case. He is situated as are ourpublic-schoolchildren—loadeddownwithanover-freightageofotherstudies;andfrequentlytheyareasfarbeyondtheactualpointofprogressreachedbyhimandsuitedtothestageofdevelopmentattained,ascouldbeimaginedbythe insanest fancy. Apparently—like our public-school boy—hemust work,work, work, in school and out, and play but little. Apparently—like ourpublic-school boy—his "education" consists in learning things, not themeaningofthem;heisfeduponthehusks,notthecorn.Fromseveralessayswrittenbynativeschoolboysinanswertothequestionofhowtheyspendtheirday,Iselectone—theonewhichgoesmostintodetail:"66.At thebreakofday I rises frommyownbedand finishmydailyduty,thenIemploymyselftill8o'clock,afterwhichIemploymyselftobathe,thentakeformybodysomesweetmeat,andjustat91/2Icametoschooltoattendmyclassduty,thenat21/2P.M.Ireturnfromschoolandengagemyselftodomynaturalduty,then,Iengageforaquartertotakemytiffin,thenIstudytill5P.M.,afterwhichIbegantoplayanythingwhichcomesinmyhead.After81/2,halfpasstoeightwearebegantosleep,beforesleepingItoldaconstablejust 11 o' he came and rose us fromhalf pass elevenwebegan to read stillmorning."Itisnotperfectlyclear,nowthatIcometocipheruponit.Hegetsupatabout5inthemorning,oralongtheresomewhere,andgoestobedaboutfifteenorsixteen hours afterward—thatmuch of it seems straight; butwhy he shouldriseagainthreehourslaterandresumehisstudiestillmorningispuzzling.Ithinkitisbecauseheisstudyinghistory.Historyrequiresaworldoftimeandbitterhardworkwhenyour"education"isnofurtheradvancedthanthecat's;whenyouaremerelystuffingyourselfwithamixed-upmessofemptynamesand random incidents and elusive dates, which no one teaches you how tointerpret, and which, uninterpreted, pay you not a farthing's value for yourwasteoftime.Yes,Ithinkhehadtogetupathalfpast11P.M.inordertobesure tobeperfectwithhishistory lessonbynoon.Withresultsas follows—fromaCalcuttaschoolexamination:"Q.WhowasCardinalWolsey?"CardinalWolseywasanEditorofapapernamedNorthBriton.No.45ofhispublication he charged the King of uttering a lie from the throne. He wasarrestedandcastintoprison;andafterreleasingwenttoFrance."3. As Bishop of York but died in disentry in a church on his way to beblockheaded."8. Cardinal Wolsey was the son of Edward IV, after his father's death hehimselfascendedthethroneattheageof(10)tenonly,butwhenhesurpassedorwhen hewas fallen in his twenty years of age at that time hewished to

makeajourneyinhiscountriesunderhim,buthewasopposedbyhismothertodojourney,andaccordingtohismother'sexampleheremainedinthehome,and then becameKing.Aftermany times obstacles andmany confusion hebecomeKingandafterwardshisbrother."Thereisprobablynotawordoftruthinthat."Q.Whatisthemeaningof'IchDien'?"10.AnhonorconferredonthefirstoreldestsonsofEnglishSovereigns.Itisnothingmorethansomefeathers."11. IchDienwas thewordwhichwaswritten on the feathers of the blindKingwhocametofight,beinginterlacedwiththebridlesofthehorse."13. IchDien is a title given toHenryVII by the Pope ofRome,when heforwardedtheReformationofCardinalWolsytoRome,andforthisreasonhewascalledCommanderofthefaith."Adozenorsoofthiskindofinsaneanswersarequotedinthebookfromthatexamination. Each answer is sweeping proof, all by itself, that the personuttering it was pushed ahead of where he belonged when he was put intohistory;proof thathehadbeenput to the taskofacquiringhistorybeforehehadhada single lesson in the art of acquiring it,which is the equivalentofdumping a pupil into geometry before he has learned the progressive stepswhichleaduptoitandmakeitsacquirementpossible.ThoseCalcuttanoviceshadnobusinesswithhistory.Therewasnoexcuseforexaminingtheminit,no excuse for exposing them and their teachers. They were totally empty;therewasnothingto"examine."HelenKellerhasbeendumb,stonedeaf,andstoneblind,eversinceshewasalittle baby a year-and-a-half old; and now at sixteen years of age thismiraculouscreature,thiswonderofalltheages,passestheHarvardUniversityexaminationinLatin,German,Frenchhistory,belleslettres,andsuchthings,anddoes itbrilliantly, too,not inacommonplace fashion.Shedoesn'tknowmerelythings,sheissplendidlyfamiliarwiththemeaningsofthem.WhenshewritesanessayonaShakespeareancharacter,herEnglishisfineandstrong,hergraspofthesubjectisthegraspofonewhoknows,andherpageiselectricwith light. Has Miss Sullivan taught her by the methods of India and theAmericanpublicschool?No,oh,no;forthenshewouldbedeaferanddumberand blinder than she was before. It is a pity that we can't educate all thechildrenintheasylums.TocontinuetheCalcuttaexposure:"WhatisthemeaningofaSheriff?""25.SheriffisapostopenedinthetimeofJohn.ThedutyofSheriffhereinCalcutta, to lookoutandcatch thosecarriageswhich is rashlydrivenoutby

thecoachman;butitisahighpostinEngland."26.SheriffwastheEnglishbillofcommonprayer."27.ThemanwithwhomtheaccusativepersonsareplacediscalledSheriff."28.Sheriff—Latintermfor'shrub,'wecalledbroom,wornbythefirstearlofEnjue,asanemblemofhumilitywhentheywenttothepilgrimage,andfromthistheirhairstooktheircrestandsurname."29.Sheriffisakindoftitloussectofpeople,asBarons,Nobles,etc."30.Sheriff;atittlegivenonthosepersonswhowererespectiveandpiousinEngland."The students were examined in the following bulkymatters: Geometry, theSolar Spectrum, the Habeas Corpus Act, the British Parliament, and inMetaphysics they were asked to trace the progress of skepticism fromDescartes toHume. It iswithinbounds to say that someof the resultswereastonishing. Without doubt, there were students present who justified theirteacher's wisdom in introducing them to these studies; but the fact is alsoevidentthatothershadbeenpushedintothesestudiestowastetheirtimeoverthem when they could have been profitably employed in hunting smallergame.UndertheheadofGeometry,oneoftheanswersisthis:"49.ThewholeBD=thewholeCA,andso-so-so-so-so-so-so."Tomethisiscloudy,butIwasneverwellupingeometry.Thatwastheonlyeffort made among the five students who appeared for examination ingeometry; the other four wailed and surrendered without a fight. They arepiteouswails,too,wailsofdespair;andoneofthemisaneloquentreproach;itcomesfromapoorfellowwhohasbeenladenbeyondhisstrengthbyastupidteacher,andiseloquent inspiteof thepovertyof itsEnglish.ThepoorchapfindshimselfrequiredtoexplainriddleswhichevenSirIsaacNewtonwasnotabletounderstand:"50.Ohmydearfatherexamineryoumyfatherandyoukindlygiveanumberofpassyoumygreatfather."51. I am a poor boy and have no means to support my mother and twobrotherswhoaresufferingmuchforwantoffood.Igetfourrupeesmonthlyfromcharityfundofthisplace,fromwhichIsendtworupeesfortheirsupport,andkeeptwoformyownsupport.Father,ifIrelatetheunluckycircumstanceunderwhichweareplaced,then,Ithink,youwillnotbeabletosuppressthetendertear."52.SirwhichSirIsaacNewtonandotherexperiencedmathematicianscannotunderstandIbeingthirdofEntranceClasscanunderstandthesewhichistooimpossibletoimagine.Andmyexamineralsohasputverytiresomeandveryheavypropositionstoprove."

Wemustrememberthatthesepupilshadtodotheirthinkinginonelanguage,andexpress themselves inanotherandalienone. Itwasaheavyhandicap. Ihave by me "English as She is Taught"—a collection of AmericanexaminationsmadeinthepublicschoolsofBrooklynbyoneoftheteachers,MissCarolineB. LeRow.An extract or two from its pageswill show thatwhentheAmericanpupilisusingbutonelanguage,andthatonehisown,hisperformanceisnowhitbetterthanhisIndianbrother's:"ONHISTORY."ChristopherColumbuswascalledthefatherofhisCountry.QueenIsabellaofSpain soldherwatch and chain andothermillinery so thatColumbus coulddiscoverAmerica."TheIndianwarswereverydesecratingtothecountry."TheIndianspursuedtheirwarfarebyhidinginthebushesandthenscalpingthem."Captain John Smith has been styled the father of his country.His lifewassavedbyhisdaughterPochahantas."ThePuritansfoundaninsaneasyluminthewildsofAmerica."TheStampActwastomakeeverybodystampallmaterialssotheyshouldbenullandvoid."WashingtondiedinSpainalmostbroken-hearted.HisremainsweretakentothecathedralinHavana."Gorillawarfarewaswheremenrodeongorillas."In Brooklyn, as in India, they examine a pupil, and when they find out hedoesn'tknowanything,theyputhimintoliterature,orgeometry,orastronomy,or government, or something like that, so that he can properly display theassificationofthewholesystem:"ONLITERATURE."'BracebridgeHall'waswrittenbyHenryIrving."EdgarA.Poewasaverycurdlingwriter."BeowulfwrotetheScriptures."BenJohnsonsurvivedShakespeareinsomerespects."In the 'CanterburyTale' it gives account ofKingAlfred on hisway to theshrineofThomasBucket."ChaucerwasthefatherofEnglishpottery."ChaucerwassucceededbyH.Wads.Longfellow."Wewillfinishwithacoupleofsamplesof"literature,"onefromAmerica,the

otherfromIndia.ThefirstisaBrooklynpublic-schoolboy'sattempttoturnafewversesofthe"LadyoftheLake"intoprose.Youwillhavetoconcedethathedidit:"Themanwhorodeonthehorseperformedthewhipandaninstrumentmadeofsteelalonewithstrongardornotdiminishing,for,beingtiredfromthetimepassedwith hard labor overworkedwith anger and ignorantwithweariness,whileeverybreathforlaborhedrewwithcriesfullofsorrow,theyoungdeermadeimperfectwhoworkedhardfilteredinsight."Thefollowingparagraphis froma littlebookwhichis famous inIndia—thebiographyofadistinguishedHindoojudge,OnoocoolChunderMookerjee;itwaswrittenbyhisnephew,andisunintentionallyfunny—infact,exceedinglyso.Iofferheretheclosingscene.Ifyouwouldliketosampletherestofthebook, itcanbehadbyapplyingto thepublishers,Messrs.Thacker,Spink&Co.,Calcutta"Andhavingsaidthesewordshehermeticallysealedhislipsnottoopenthemagain.Allthewell-knowndoctorsofCalcuttathatcouldbeprocuredforamanof his position and wealth were brought,—Doctors Payne, Fayrer, andNilmadhub Mookerjee and others; they did what they could do, with theirpuissanceandknackofmedicalknowledge,butitprovedafterallasiftomilkthe ram!Hiswifeandchildrenhadnot themournfulconsolation tohearhislastwords;heremainedsottovoceforafewhours,andthenwastakenfromusat6.12P.m.accordingtothecapriceofGodwhichpassethunderstanding."

CHAPTERLXII.

Therearenopeoplewhoarequitesovulgarastheover-refinedones.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.WesailedfromCalcutta toward theendofMarch;stoppedadayatMadras;two or three days in Ceylon; then sailed westward on a long flight forMauritius.Frommydiary:April7.WearefarabroaduponthesmoothwatersoftheIndianOcean,now;itisshadyandpleasantandpeacefulunderthevastspreadoftheawnings,andlifeisperfectagain—ideal.Thedifferencebetweenariverandtheseais,thattheriverlooksfluid,theseasolid—usuallylooksasifyoucouldstepoutandwalkonit.Thecaptainhasthispeculiarity—hecannottellthetruthinaplausibleway.InthisheistheveryoppositeoftheaustereScotwhositsmidwayofthetable;hecannottellalieinanunplausibleway.Whenthecaptainfinishesastatement

the passengers glance at each other privately, as who should say, "Do youbelieve that?"When theScot finishesone, the look says, "How strange andinteresting."Thewhole secret is in themanner andmethodof the twomen.Thecaptainisalittleshyanddiffident,andhestatesthesimplestfactasifhewerealittleafraidofit,whiletheScotdelivershimselfofthemostabandonedliewithsuchanairofsternveracitythatoneisforcedtobelieveitalthoughoneknowsitisn'tso.Forinstance,theScottoldaboutapetflying-fishheonceowned, that livedina littlefountaininhisconservatory,andsupporteditselfbycatchingbirdsandfrogsandratsintheneighboringfields.Itwasplainthatnooneatthetabledoubtedthisstatement.By and by, in the course of some talk about custom-house annoyances, thecaptain brought out the following simple everyday incident, but through hisinfirmityofstylemanagedtotellitinsuchawaythatitgotnocredence.Hesaid:"I went ashore at Naples one voyage when I was in that trade, and stoodaroundhelpingmypassengers,forIcouldspeakalittleItalian.Twoorthreetimes,at intervals, theofficeraskedme if Ihadanythingdutiableaboutme,andseemedmoreandmoreputoutanddisappointedeverytimeItoldhimno.FinallyapassengerwhomIhadhelpedthroughaskedmetocomeoutandtakesomething. I thankedhim, but excusedmyself, saying I had taken awhiskyjustbeforeIcameashore."Itwasafataladmission.Theofficeratoncemademepaysixpenceimport-dutyonthewhisky-justfromshiptoshore,yousee;andhefinedmeL5fornot declaring the goods, another L5 for falsely denying that I had anythingdutiableaboutme,alsoL5forconcealingthegoods,andL50forsmuggling,which is the maximum penalty for unlawfully bringing in goods under thevalue of sevenpence ha'penny. Altogether, sixty-five pounds sixpence for alittlethinglikethat."TheScotisalwaysbelieved,yethenevertellsanythingbutlies;whereasthecaptainisneverbelieved,althoughhenevertellsalie,sofarasIcanjudge.Ifheshouldsayhisunclewasamaleperson,hewouldprobablysayitinsuchawaythatnobodywouldbelieveit;atthesametimetheScotcouldclaimthathehadafemaleuncleandnotstiradoubt inanybody'smind.Myownluckhas been curious all my literary life; I never could tell a lie that anybodywoulddoubt,noratruththatanybodywouldbelieve.Lots of pets on board—birds and things. In these far countries the whitepeopledoseem to run remarkably topets.Ourhost inCawnporehada finecollection of birds—the finest we saw in a private house in India. And inColombo,Dr.Murray'sgreatcompoundandcommodiousbungalowwerewellpopulatedwithdomesticatedcompanyfromthewoods:friskylittlesquirrels;aCeylon mina walking sociably about the house; a small green parrot that

whistledasingleurgentnoteofcallwithoutmotionofitsbeak;alsochuckled;amonkeyinacageonthebackveranda,andsomemoreoutinthetrees;alsoanumber of beautifulmacaws in the trees; and various and sundry birds andanimalsofbreedsnotknowntome.Butnocat.Yetacatwouldhavelikedthatplace.April9.Tea-plantingisthegreatbusinessinCeylon,now.Apassengersaysitoftenpays40percent.ontheinvestment.Saysthereisaboom.April10.TheseaisaMediterraneanblue;andIbelievethatthatisaboutthedivinestcolorknowntonature.Itisstrangeandfine—Nature'slavishgenerositiestohercreatures.Atleasttoall of them exceptman. For those that fly she has provided a home that isnobly spacious—a homewhich is fortymiles deep and envelops thewholeglobe,andhasnotanobstructioninit.Forthosethatswimshehasprovidedamore than imperialdomain—adomainwhich ismilesdeepandcovers four-fifthsoftheglobe.Butasforman,shehascuthimoffwiththemereoddsandendsofthecreation.Shehasgivenhimthethinskin,themeagreskinwhichisstretchedovertheremainingone-fifth—thenakedbonesstickupthroughitinmost places. On the one-half of this domain he can raise snow, ice, sand,rocks,andnothingelse.Sothevaluablepartofhisinheritancereallyconsistsofbutasinglefifthofthefamilyestate;andoutofithehastogrubhardtogetenoughtokeephimaliveandprovidekingsandsoldiersandpowdertoextendtheblessingsofcivilizationwith.Yetman,inhissimplicityandcomplacencyandinabilitytocipher,thinksNatureregardshimastheimportantmemberofthefamily—infact,her favorite.Surely, itmustoccur toevenhisdullhead,sometimes,thatshehasacuriouswayofshowingit.Afternoon.Thecaptainhasbeentellinghow,inoneofhisArcticvoyages,itwassocoldthatthemate'sshadowfrozefasttothedeckandhadtoberippedloosebymainstrength.Andeventhenhegotonlyabouttwo-thirdsofitback.Nobody said anything, and the captain went away. I think he is becomingdisheartened....Also, to be fair, there is anotherword of praise due to this ship's library: itcontains no copy of the Vicar of Wakefield, that strange menagerie ofcomplacent hypocrites and idiots, of theatrical cheap-john heroes andheroines,whoarealwaysshowingoff,ofbadpeoplewhoarenotinteresting,andgoodpeoplewhoarefatiguing.Asingularbook.Notasincerelineinit,andnotacharacterthatinvitesrespect;abookwhichisonelongwaste-pipedischarge of goody-goodypuerilities and drearymoralities; a bookwhich isfullofpathoswhichrevolts,andhumorwhichgrievestheheart.Therearefewthings in literature that aremore piteous,more pathetic, than the celebrated"humorous" incident ofMoses and the spectacles. JaneAusten's books, too,areabsentfromthislibrary.Justthatoneomissionalonewouldmakeafairly

goodlibraryoutofalibrarythathadn'tabookinit.Customsintropicseas.At5inthemorningtheypipetowashdownthedecks,andatoncetheladieswhoaresleepingthereturnoutandtheyandtheirbedsgo below. Then one after another the men come up from the bath in theirpyjamas, and walk the decks an hour or two with bare legs and bare feet.Coffeeandfruitserved.Theshipcatandherkittennowappearandgetabouttheirtoilets;nextthebarbercomesandflaysusonthebreezydeck.Breakfastat9.30,andthedaybegins.Idonotknowhowadaycouldbemorereposeful: no motion; a level blue sea; nothing in sight from horizon tohorizon; thespeedof theshipfurnishesacoolingbreeze; there isnomail toread and answer; no newspapers to excite you; no telegrams to fret you orfrightyou—theworldisfar,faraway;ithasceasedtoexistforyou—seemedafadingdream,alonginthefirstdays;hasdissolvedtoanunrealitynow;it isgonefromyourmindwithallitsbusinessesandambitions,itsprosperitiesanddisasters,itsexultationsanddespairs,itsjoysandgriefsandcaresandworries.Theyarenoconcernofyoursanymore;theyhavegoneoutofyourlife;theyareastormwhichhaspassedandleftadeepcalmbehind.Thepeoplegroupthemselvesaboutthedecksintheirsnowywhitelinen,andread,smoke,sew,play cards, talk, nap, and so on. In other ships the passengers are alwayscipheringaboutwhentheyaregoingtoarrive;outintheseseasitisrare,veryrare,tohearthatsubjectbroached.Inothershipsthereisalwaysaneagerrushtothebulletinboardatnoontofindoutwhatthe"run"hasbeen;intheseseasthebulletinseemstoattractnointerest;Ihaveseennoonevisitit;inthirteendaysIhavevisiteditonlyonce.ThenIhappenedtonoticethefiguresoftheday'srun.Onthatdaytherehappenedtobetalk,atdinner,aboutthespeedofmodern ships. I was the only passenger present who knew this ship's gait.Necessarily, theAtlantic customofbettingon the ship's run isnot a customhere—nobodyevermentionsit.Imyselfamwhollyindifferentastowhenwearegoingto"getin";ifanyoneelsefeelsinterestedinthematterhehasnotindicateditinmyhearing.IfIhadmywayweshouldnevergetinatall.Thissortofsealifeischargedwithanindestructible charm. There is no weariness, no fatigue, no worry, noresponsibility, no work, no depression of spirits. There is nothing like thisserenity,thiscomfort,thispeace,thisdeepcontentment,tobefoundanywhereonland.IfIhadmywayIwouldsailonforeverandnevergotoliveonthesolidgroundagain.One of Kipling's ballads has delivered the aspect and sentiment of thisbewitchingseacorrectly:"TheInjianOceansetsan'smilesSosof',sobright,sobloomin'blue;

Therearen'tawaveformilesan'milesExcep'thejigglefromthescrew."April14.ItturnsoutthattheastronomicalapprenticeworkedoffasectionoftheMilkyWayonmefortheMagellanClouds.Amanofmoreexperienceinthebusinessshowedoneofthemtomelastnight.Itwassmallandfaintanddelicate,andlookedliketheghostofabunchofwhitesmokeleftfloatingintheskybyanexplodedbombshell.Wednesday,April15.Mauritius.ArrivedandanchoredoffPortLouis2A.M.Ruggedclustersofcragsandpeaks,greentotheirsummits;fromtheirbasestotheseaagreenplainwithjusttiltenoughtoit tomakethewaterdrainoff.Ibelieveitisin56E.and22S.—ahottropicalcountry.Thegreenplainhasaninvitinglook;hasscatteringdwellingsnestlingamongthegreenery.SceneofthesentimentaladventureofPaulandVirginia.IslandunderFrenchcontrol—whichmeansacommunitywhichdependsuponquarantines,notsanitation,foritshealth.Thursday,April16.Wentashore in theforenoonatPortLouis,a little town,but with the largest variety of nationalities and complexions we haveencounteredyet.French,English,Chinese,Arabs,Africanswithwool,blackswithstraighthair,EastIndians,half-whites,quadroons—andgreatvarietiesincostumesandcolors.TookthetrainforCurepipeat1.30—twohours'run,graduallyuphill.Whatacontrast, this frantic luxuriance of vegetation, with the arid plains of India;these architecturally picturesque crags and knobs and miniature mountains,withthemonotonyoftheIndiandead-levels.Anativepointedoutahandsomeswarthymanofgraveanddignifiedbearing,and said in an awed tone, "That is so-and-so; has held office of one sort oranotherunderthisgovernmentfor37years—heisknownalloverthiswholeislandandintheothercountriesoftheworldperhaps—whoknows?Onethingiscertain;youcanspeakhisnameanywhereinthiswholeisland,andyouwillfindnotonegrownpersonthathasnotheardit.Itisawonderfulthingtobesocelebrated;yetlookathim;itmakesnochangeinhim;hedoesnotevenseemtoknowit."Curepipe(meansPincushionorPegtown,probably).Sixteenmiles(twohours)byrail fromPortLouis.Ateachendofeveryroofandontheapexofeverydormerwindowawoodenpegtwofeethighstandsup;insomecasesitstopisblunt,inothersthepegissharpandlookslikeatoothpick.Thepassionforthishumbleornamentisuniversal.Apparently, there has been only one prominent event in the history ofMauritius,andthatonedidn'thappen.IrefertotheromanticsojournofPaul

andVirginiahere.ItwasthatstorythatmadeMauritiusknowntotheworld,made the name familiar to everybody, the geographical position of it tonobody.Aclergymanwasaskedtoguesswhatwasinaboxonatable.Itwasavellumfanpaintedwiththeshipwreck,andwas"oneofVirginia'sweddinggifts."April18.Thisistheonlycountryintheworldwherethestrangerisnotasked"How do you like this place?" This is indeed a large distinction. Here thecitizendoesthetalkingaboutthecountryhimself;thestrangerisnotaskedtohelp.Youget all sorts of information.Fromone citizenyougather the ideathatMauritiuswasmade first, and thenheaven;and thatheavenwascopiedafterMauritius.Anotheronetellsyouthatthisisanexaggeration;thatthetwochiefvillages,PortLouisandCurepipe,fallshortofheavenlyperfection;thatnobodylivesinPortLouisexceptuponcompulsion,andthatCurepipeisthewettestandrainiestplaceintheworld.AnEnglishcitizensaid:"IntheearlypartofthiscenturyMauritiuswasusedbytheFrenchasabasisfrom which to operate against England's Indian merchantmen; so Englandcaptured the island and also the neighbor,Bourbon, to stop that annoyance.England gave Bourbon back; the government in London did not want anymore possessions in the West Indies. If the government had had a betterqualityofgeographyinstockitwouldnothavewastedBourboninthatfoolishway. A bigwarwill temporarily shut up the Suez Canal some day and theEnglishshipswillhavetogotoIndiaaroundtheCapeofGoodHopeagain;thenEnglandwillhavetohaveBourbonandwilltakeit."Mauritiuswasacrowncolonyuntil20yearsago,withagovernorappointedby the Crown and assisted by a Council appointed by himself; but PopeHennesseycameoutasGovernorthen,andheworkedhardtogetapartofthecouncilmade elective, and succeeded. So now thewhole council is French,andinallordinarymattersoflegislationtheyvotetogetherandintheFrenchinterest, not the English. The English population is very slender; it has notvotesenoughtoelectalegislator.HalfadozenrichFrenchfamilieselectthelegislature.PopeHennesseywasanIrishman,aCatholic,aHomeRuler,M.P.,ahaterofEnglandandtheEnglish,averytroublesomepersonandaseriousincumbrance at Westminster; so it was decided to send him out to governunhealthycountries,inhopethatsomethingwouldhappentohim.Butnothingdid.Thefirstexperimentwasnotmerelyafailure,itwasmorethanafailure.Heprovedtobemoreofadiseasehimselfthananyhewassenttoencounter.Thenextexperimentwashere.Thedarkschemefailedagain. Itwasanoff-seasonandtherewasnothingbutmeasleshereatthetime.PopeHennessey'shealthwasnot affected.Heworkedwith theFrench and for theFrench andagainst theEnglish,andhemade theEnglishvery tiredand theFrenchvery

happy,andlivedtohavethejoyofseeingtheflagheservedpubliclyhissed.HismemoryisheldinworshipfulreverenceandaffectionbytheFrench."Itisalandofextraordinaryquarantines.Theyquarantineashipforanythingorfornothing;quarantineherfor20andeven30days.Theyoncequarantinedashipbecausehercaptainhadhadthesmallpoxwhenhewasaboy.ThatandbecausehewasEnglish."The population is very small; small to insignificance. Themajority is EastIndian;thenmongrels; thennegroes(descendantsoftheslavesoftheFrenchtimes);thenFrench;thenEnglish.TherewasanAmerican,butheisdeadormislaid.Themongrelsaretheresultofallkindsofmixtures;blackandwhite,mulattoandwhite,quadroonandwhite,octoroonandwhite.Andso there isevery shade of complexion; ebony, old mahogany, horsechestnut, sorrel,molasses-candy, clouded amber, clear amber, old-ivory white, new-ivorywhite, fish-bellywhite—this latter the leprous complexion frequentwith theAnglo-Saxonlongresidentintropicalclimates."Youwouldn'texpectapersontobeproudofbeingaMauritian,nowwouldyou?But it is so.Themost of themhave never been out of the island, andhaven'treadmuchorstudiedmuch,andtheythinktheworldconsistsofthreeprincipalcountries—Judaea,France,andMauritius;sotheyareveryproudofbelonging to one of the three grand divisions of the globe. They think thatRussia and Germany are in England, and that England does not amount tomuch.Theyhaveheardvaguelyabout theUnitedStatesandtheequator,buttheythinkbothofthemaremonarchies.TheythinkMountPeterBotteisthehighestmountainintheworld,andifyoushowoneofthemapictureofMilanCathedralhewillswellupwithsatisfactionandsaythattheideaofthatjungleofspireswasstolenfromtheforestofpeg-topsandtoothpicksthatmakestheroofsofCurepipelooksofineandprickly."Thereisnotmuchtradeinbooks.Thenewspaperseducateandentertainthepeople.Mainlythelatter.Theyhavetwopagesoflarge-printreading-matter-oneofthemEnglish,theotherFrench.TheEnglishpageisatranslationoftheFrenchone.Thetypographyissuper-extraprimitive—inthisqualityithasnotitsequalanywhere.Thereisnoproof-readernow;heisdead."Where do they get matter to fill up a page in this little island lost in thewastesof the IndianOcean?Oh,Madagascar.TheydiscussMadagascarandFrance. That is the bulk. Then they chock up the rest with advice to theGovernment.Also, slursupon theEnglishadministration.Thepapersareallownedandeditedbycreoles—French."The language of the country is French. Everybody speaks it—has to. YouhavetoknowFrenchparticularlymongrelFrench,thepatoisspokenbyTom,Dick,andHarryofthemultiformcomplexions—oryoucan'tgetalong.

"This was a flourishing country in former days, for it made then and stillmakesthebestsugarintheworld;butfirsttheSuezCanalsevereditfromtheworldandleftitoutinthecoldandnextthebeetrootsugarhelpedbybounties,capturedtheEuropeanmarkets.SugaristhelifeofMauritius,anditislosingitsgrip.Itsdownwardcoursewascheckedbythedepreciationoftherupee—for the planter pays wages in rupees but sells his crop for gold—and theinsurrection inCubaandparalyzationof the sugar industry therehavegivenour prices here a life-saving lift; but the outlook has nothing permanentlyfavorable about it. It takes a year tomature the canes—on the high groundthree and sixmonths longer—and there is always a chance that the annualcyclonewillriptheprofitoutofthecrop.Inrecenttimesacyclonetookthewholecrop,asyoumaysay;andtheislandneversawafinerone.Someofthenoblestsugarestatesintheislandareindeepdifficulties.AdozenofthemareinvestmentsofEnglishcapital;andthecompaniesthatownthemareatworknow,tryingtosettleupandgetoutwithasavingofhalfthemoneytheyputin.Youknow,inthesedays,whenacountrybeginstointroducetheteaculture,itmeans that its own specialty has gone back on it. Look at Bengal; look atCeylon.Well,they'vebeguntointroducetheteaculture,here."ManycopiesofPaulandVirginiaaresoldeveryyearinMauritius.NootherbookissopopularhereexcepttheBible.BymanyitissupposedtobeapartoftheBible.AllthemissionariesworkuptheirFrenchonitwhentheycomehere to pervert the Catholic mongrel. It is the greatest story that was everwrittenaboutMauritius,andtheonlyone."

CHAPTERLXIII.

Theprincipaldifferencebetweenacatanda lie is that thecathasonlyninelives.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.April20.—Thecycloneof1892killedandcrippledhundredsofpeople;itwasaccompaniedbyadelugeofrain,whichdrownedPortLouisandproducedawaterfamine.Quitetrue;foritburstthereservoirandthewater-pipes;andfora timeafter thefloodhaddisappeared therewasmuchdistressfromwantofwater.This is theonlyplace in theworldwherenobreedofmatchescanstand thedamp.Onlyonematchin16willlight.Theroadsarehardandsmooth;someofthecompoundsarespacious,someofthe bungalows commodious, and the roadways are walled by tall bamboohedges,trimandgreenandbeautiful;andthereareazaleahedges,too,boththe

whiteandthered;Ineversawthatbefore.Astohealthiness:Itranslatefromto-day's(April20)Merchants'andPlanters'Gazette,fromthearticleofaregularcontributor,"Carminge,"concerningthedeathofthenephewofaprominentcitizen:"Sadandlugubriousexistence,thiswhichweleadinMauritius;Ibelievethereisnoothercountry in theworldwhereonediesmoreeasily thanamongus.Theleastindispositionbecomesamortalmalady;asimpleheadachedevelopsinto meningitis; a cold into pneumonia, and presently, when we are leastexpectingit,deathisaguestinourhome."Thisdailypaperhasameteorologicalreportwhichtellsyouwhattheweatherwasdaybeforeyesterday.Oneisneverpesteredbyabeggarorapeddlerinthistown,sofarasIcansee.ThisispleasantlydifferentfromIndia.April22.TosuchasbelievethatthequaintproductcalledFrenchcivilizationwouldbeanimprovementuponthecivilizationofNewGuineaandthelike,thesnatchingofMadagascarandthelayingonofFrenchcivilizationtherewillbe fully justified. But why did the English allow the French to haveMadagascar?Did she respecta theftofacoupleofcenturiesago?Dearme,robberybyEuropeannationsofeachother'sterritorieshasneverbeenasin,isnotasinto-day.Totheseveralcabinetstheseveralpoliticalestablishmentsoftheworldareclotheslines;andalargepartoftheofficialdutyofthesecabinetsis to keep an eye on each other's wash and grab what they can of it asopportunity offers. All the territorial possessions of all the politicalestablishments in the earth—including America, of course—consist ofpilferingsfromotherpeople'swash.Notribe,howsoeverinsignificant,andnonation,howsoevermighty,occupiesafootoflandthatwasnotstolen.WhentheEnglish,theFrench,andtheSpaniardsreachedAmerica,theIndiantribeshadbeenraidingeachother'sterritorialclothes-linesforages,andeveryacreof ground in the continent had been stolen and re-stolen 500 times. TheEnglish,theFrench,andtheSpaniardswenttoworkandstoleitalloveragain;andwhen thatwas satisfactorily accomplished theywent diligently toworkand stole it from each other. In Europe and Asia and Africa every acre ofground has been stolen several millions of times. A crime persevered in athousandcenturiesceasestobeacrime,andbecomesavirtue.Thisisthelawof custom, and custom supersedes all other forms of law. Christiangovernments are as frank to-day, as open and above-board, in discussingprojects for raiding each other's clothes-lines as ever they were before theGolden Rule came smiling into this inhospitable world and couldn't get anight's lodging anywhere. In 150 years England has beneficently retiredgarmentaftergarmentfromtheIndianlines,untilthereishardlyaragoftheoriginal wash left dangling anywhere. In 800 years an obscure tribe of

MuscovitesavageshasrisentothedazzlingpositionofLand-Robber-in-Chief;shefoundaquarteroftheworldhangingouttodryonahundredparallelsoflatitude, and she scooped in the whole wash. She keeps a sharp eye on amultitudeoflittlelinesthatstretchalongthenorthernboundariesofIndia,andeverynowandthenshesnatchesahip-ragorapairofpyjamas.ItisEngland'sprospectiveproperty,andRussiaknowsit;butRussiacaresnothingforthat.Infact, in our day land-robbery, claim-jumping, is become a Europeangovernmental frenzy. Some have been hard at it in the borders ofChina, inBurma,inSiam,andtheislandsofthesea;andallhavebeenat it inAfrica.Africahasbeenascoollydividedupandportionedoutamongthegangasiftheyhadboughtitandpaidforit.Andnowstraightwaytheyarebeginningtheoldgameagain—tostealeachother'sgrabbings.Germanyfoundavastsliceof Central Africawith the English flag and the Englishmissionary and theEnglishtraderscatteredalloverit,butwithcertainformalitiesneglected—nosignsup,"Keepoffthegrass,""Trespassers-forbidden,"etc.—andshesteppedinwithacoldcalmsmileandputupthesignsherself,andsweptthoseEnglishpioneerspromptlyoutofthecountry.Thereisatremendouspointthere.Itcanbeputintotheformofamaxim:Getyourformalitiesright—nevermindaboutthemoralities.Itwasanimpudentthing;butEnglandhadtoputupwithit.Now,inthecaseofMadagascar, the formalities had originally been observed, but by neglectthey had fallen into desuetude ages ago. England should have snatchedMadagascar from the French clothes-line.Without an effort she could havesavedthoseharmlessnativesfromthecalamityofFrenchcivilization,andshedidnotdoit.Nowitistoolate.Thesignsofthetimesshowplainlyenoughwhatisgoingtohappen.Allthesavage lands in the world are going to be brought under subjection to theChristiangovernmentsofEurope. Iamnotsorry,butglad.Thiscomingfatemighthavebeenacalamity to thosesavagepeoples twohundredyearsago;but now it will in some cases be a benefaction. The sooner the seizure isconsummated,thebetterforthesavages.Thedrearyanddraggingagesofbloodshedanddisorderandoppressionwillgiveplacetopeaceandorderandthereignoflaw.WhenoneconsiderswhatIndiawasunderherHindooandMohammedan rulers, andwhat she isnow;whenheremembersthemiseriesofhermillionsthenandtheprotectionsandhumanitieswhich they enjoy now, hemust concede that themost fortunatething that has ever befallen that empire was the establishment of Britishsupremacythere.Thesavagelandsoftheworldaretopasstoalienpossession,theirpeoplestothemerciesofalienrulers.Letushopeandbelievethattheywillallbenefitbythechange.April23."Thefirstyeartheygathershells;thesecondyeartheygathershells

and drink; the third year they do not gather shells." (Said of immigrants toMauritius.)Population375,000.120sugarfactories.Population1851,185,000.The increase isduemainly to the introductionofIndiancoolies.Theynowapparentlyformthegreatmajorityofthepopulation.Theyareadmirablebreeders;theirhomesarealwayshazywithchildren.Greatsaversofmoney.ABritishofficertoldmethatinIndiahepaidhisservant10rupeesamonth,andhehad11cousins,uncles,parents,etc.,dependentuponhim,andhesupportedthemonhiswages.Thesethriftycooliesaresaidtobeacquiringlandatrifleatatime,andcultivatingit;andmayowntheislandbyandby.The Indian women do very hard labor (for wages running from 40 onehundredthsofarupeefortwelvehours'workto50onehundredthsofarupee.)Theycarrymatsofsugarontheirheads(70pounds)alldayladingships,forhalfarupee,andworkatgardeningalldayforless.Thecamaronisafreshwatercreaturelikeacray-fish.Itisregardedhereastheworld'schiefestdelicacy—andcertainlyit isgood.Guardspatrolthestreamstopreventpoachingit.AfineofRs.200or300(theysay)forpoaching.Baitisthrowninthewater;thecamarongoesforit;thefisherdropshisloopinandworksitaroundandaboutthecamaronhehasselected,tillhegetsitoveritstail; then there'sa jerkorsomething tocertify thecamaronthat it ishis turnnow;hesuddenlybacksaway,whichmovestheloopstillfurtheruphispersonanddrawsittaut,andhisdaysareended.Anotherdish,calledpalmiste,islikerawturnip-shavingsandtasteslikegreenalmonds;isverydelicateandgood.Coststhelifeofapalmtree12to20yearsold—foritisthepith.Anotherdish—lookslikegreensoratangleoffineseaweed—isapreparationofthedeadlynightshade.Goodenough.Themonkeysliveinthedenseforestsontheflanksofthetoymountains,andthey flock down nights and raid the sugar-fields.Also on other estates theycomedownanddestroyasortofbean-crop—justforfun,apparently—tearoffthepodsandthrowthemdown.The cyclone of 1892 tore down two great blocks of stone buildings in thecenter of PortLouis—the chief architectural feature—and left the uncomelyand apparently frail blocks standing. Everywhere in its track it annihilatedhouses,toreoffroofs,destroyedtreesandcrops.Themenwereinthetowns,the women and children at home in the country getting crippled, killed,frightened to insanity; and the rain deluging them, the wind howling, thethundercrashing,thelightningglaring.Thisforanhourorso.Thenalullandsunshine;manyventuredoutofsafeshelter;thensuddenlyhereitcameagain

fromtheoppositepointandrenewedandcompletedthedevastation.ItissaidtheChinesefedthesufferersfordaysonfreerice.Wholestreets inPortLouiswere laid flat—wrecked.Duringaminuteandahalfthewindblew123milesanhour;noofficialrecordmadeafterthat,whenitmayhavereached150.Itcutdownanobelisk.ItcarriedanAmericanshipintothewoodsafterbreakingthechainsoftwoanchors.Theynowusefour-two forward, two astern. Common report says it killed 1,200 in Port Louisalone,inhalfanhour.Thencamethelullofthecentralcalm—peopledidnotknowthebarometerwasstillgoingdown—thensuddenlyallperditionbrokelooseagainwhilepeoplewererushingaroundseekingfriendsandrescuingthewounded.Thenoisewascomparabletonothing;thereisnothingresemblingitbutthunderandcannon,andthesearefeebleincomparison.WhatthereisofMauritiusisbeautiful.Youhaveundulatingwideexpansesofsugar-cane—afine,freshgreenandverypleasanttotheeye;andeverywhereelse you have a ragged luxuriance of tropic vegetation of vivid greens ofvarying shades, awild tangle of underbrush,with graceful tall palms liftingtheir crippled plumes high above it; and you have stretches of shady denseforestwithlimpidstreamsfrolickingthroughthem,continuallyglimpsedandlostandglimpsedagaininthepleasantesthide-and-seekfashion;andyouhavesometinymountains,somequaintandpicturesquegroupsoftoypeaks,andadainty little vest-pocketMatterhorn; andhere and there andnowand then astripofseawithawhiteruffleofsurfbreaksintotheview.ThatisMauritius;andprettyenough.Thedetailsarefew,themassedresultischarming,butnotimposing;notriotous,notexciting;itisaSundaylandscape.Perspective, and the enchantments wrought by distance, are wanting. Therearenodistances;thereisnoperspective,sotospeak.Fifteenmilesasthecrowfliesistheusuallimitofvision.Mauritiusisagardenandaparkcombined.Itaffectsone'semotionsasparksandgardensaffectthem.Thesurfacesofone'sspiritual deeps are pleasantly played upon, the deeps themselves are notreached, not stirred. Spaciousness, remote altitudes, the sense of mysterywhichhauntsapparently inaccessiblemountaindomesandsummits reposingin the sky—these are the things which exalt the spirit and move it to seevisionsanddreamdreams.TheSandwich Islands remainmy ideal of the perfect thing in thematter oftropical islands. I would add another story toMauna Loa's 16,000 feet if Icould,andmakeitparticularlyboldandsteepandcraggyandforbiddingandsnowy;andIwouldmakethevolcanospoutitslava-floodsoutofitssummitinsteadofitssides;butasidefromthesenon-essentialsIhavenocorrectionstosuggest.Ihopethesewillbeattendedto;Idonotwishtohavetospeakofitagain.

CHAPTERLXIV.

Whenyourwatchgetsoutoforderyouhavechoiceoftwothingstodo:throwitinthefireortakeittothewatch-tinker.Theformeristhequickest.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.The Arundel Castle is the finest boat I have seen in these seas. She isthoroughlymodern,andthatstatementcoversagreatdealofground.Shehastheusualdefect, thecommondefect, theuniversaldefect, thedefectthathasnever beenmissing from any ship that ever sailed—she has imperfect beds.Manyshipshavegoodbeds,butnoshiphasverygoodones.Inthematterofbedsallshipshavebeenbadlyedited, ignorantlyedited,fromthebeginning.The selection of the beds is given to some hearty, strong-backed, self-mademan,whenitoughttobegiventoafrailwomanaccustomedfromgirlhoodtobackachesandinsomnia.Nothingissorare,oneithersideoftheocean,asaperfectbed;nothingissodifficulttomake.Someofthehotelsonbothsidesprovide it, but no ship ever does or ever did. InNoah'sArk the bedsweresimplyscandalous.Noahset the fashion,and itwillendure inonedegreeofmodificationoranothertillthenextflood.8A.M.PassingIsledeBourbon.Broken-upsky-lineofvolcanicmountainsinthe middle. Surely it would not cost much to repair them, and it seemsinexcusableneglecttoleavethemastheyare.ItseemsstupidtosendtiredmentoEuropetorest.Itisnoproperrestforthemind to clatter from town to town in the dust and cinders, and examinegalleries and architecture, and be always meeting people and lunching andteainganddining,andreceivingworryingcablesandletters.Andaseavoyageon theAtlantic isofnouse—voyage too short, sea too rough.ThepeacefulIndianandPacificOceansandthelongstretchesoftimearethehealingthing.May2,AM.Afair,greatshipinsight,almostthefirstwehaveseenintheseweeksoflonelyvoyaging.WearenowintheMozambiqueChannel,betweenMadagascarandSouthAfrica,sailingstraightwestforDelagoaBay.Last night, the burly chief engineer, middle-aged, was standing telling aspiritedseafaringtale,andhadreachedthemostexcitingplace,whereamanoverboard was washing swiftly astern on the great seas, and upliftingdespairing cries, everybody racing aft in a frenzy of excitement and fadinghope,whentheband,whichhadbeensilentamoment,beganimpressivelyitsclosing piece, the English national anthem. As simply as if he wasunconsciousofwhathewasdoing,he stoppedhis story,uncovered, laidhislacedcapagainsthisbreast,andslightlybenthisgrizzledhead.Thefewbarsfinished,heputonhiscapand tookuphis taleagain,asnaturallyas if that

interjectionofmusichadbeenapartofit.Therewassomethingtouchingandfine about it, and it was moving to reflect that he was one of a myriad,scatteredovereverypartoftheglobe,whobyturnwasdoingashewasdoingeveryhourofthetwenty-four—thoseawakedoingitwhiletheothersslept—those impressive bars forever floating up out of the various climes, neversilentandneverlackingreverentlisteners.AllthatIrememberaboutMadagascaristhatThackeray'slittleBilliewentuptothetopofthemastandthereknelthimuponhisknee,saying,"Isee"JerusalemandMadagascar,AndNorthandSouthAmerikee."May3.Sunday.Fifteenor twentyAfricanderswhowillendtheirvoyage to-day and strike for their several homes fromDelagoaBay to-morrow, sat upsinging on the afterdeck in the moonlight till 3 A.M. Good fun andwholesome.Andthesongswerecleansongs,andsomeofthemwerehallowedbytenderassociations.Finally,inapause,amanasked,"HaveyouheardaboutthefellowthatkeptadiarycrossingtheAtlantic?"Itwasadiscord,awetblanket.Themenwerenotinthemoodforhumorousdirt.Thesongshadcarriedthemtotheirhomes,andin spirit they sat by those far hearthstones, and saw faces and heard voicesotherthanthosethatwereaboutthem.Andsothisdispositiontodraginanoldindecent anecdote got nowelcome; nobody answered. The poorman hadn'twitenoughtoseethathehadblundered,butaskedhisquestionagain.Againtherewasnoresponse.Itwasembarrassingforhim.Inhisconfusionhechosethe wrong course, did the wrong thing—began the anecdote. Began it in adeep and hostile stillness, where had been such life and stir and warmcomradeship before. He delivered himself of the brief details of the diary'sfirstday,anddiditwithsomeconfidenceandafairdegreeofeagerness.Itfellflat.Therewasanawkwardpause.Thetworowsofmensatlikestatues.Therewasnomovement,nosound.Hehadtogoon;therewasnootherway,atleastnone that ananimalofhis calibrecould thinkof.At thecloseof eachday'sdiary,thesamedismalsilencefollowed.Whenatlasthefinishedhistaleandsprungtheindelicatesurprisewhichiswonttofetchacrashoflaughter,notarippleofsoundresulted.Itwasasifthetalehadbeentoldtodeadmen.Afterwhatseemedalong,longtime,somebodysighed,somebodyelsestirredinhisseat;presently,themendroppedintoalowmurmurofconfidentialtalk,eachwith his neighbor, and the incidentwas closed. Therewere indications thatthatmanwasfondofhisanecdote;thatitwashispet,hisstandby,hisshotthatnevermissed,hisreputation-maker.Buthewillnevertellitagain.Nodoubthewillthinkofitsometimes,forthatcannotwellbehelped;andthenhewillseea picture, and always the same picture—the double rank of dead men; thevacant deck stretching away in dimmingperspectivebeyond them, thewide

desertofsmoothseaallabroad;therimofthemoonspyingfrombehindaragof black cloud; the remote top of the mizzenmast shearing a zigzag paththrough the fields of stars in the deeps of space; and this soft picture willremindhimofthetimethathesatinthemidstofitandtoldhispoorlittletaleandfeltsolonesomewhenhegotthrough.Fifty Indians and Chinamen asleep in a big tent in the waist of the shipforward;theyliesidebysidewithnospacebetween;theformerwrappedup,headandall,asintheIndianstreets,theChinamenuncovered;thelampandthingsforopiumsmokinginthecenter.Apassengersaiditwasten2-tontruckloadsofdynamitethatlatelyexplodedat Johannesburg.Hundredskilled;hedoesn'tknowhowmany; limbspickedupformilesaround.Glassshattered,androofssweptawayorcollapsed200yardsoff;fragmentofironflungthreeandahalfmiles.Itoccurredat3p.m.;at6,L65,000hadbeensubscribed.Whenthispassengerleft,L35,000hadbeenvotedbycityandstategovernmentsandL100,000bycitizensandbusinesscorporations.Whennewsofthedisasterwastelephonedto the Exchange L35,000 were subscribed in the first five minutes.Subscribingwasstillgoingonwhenheleft;thepapershadceasedthenames,only theamounts—toomanynames;notenoughroom.L100,000subscribedbycompaniesandcitizens;ifthisistrue,itmustbewhattheycallinAustralia"a record"—the biggest instance of a spontaneous outpour for charity inhistory,consideringthesizeofthepopulationitwasdrawnfrom,$8or$10foreachwhiteresident,babiesatthebreastincluded.Monday, May 4. Steaming slowly in the stupendous Delagoa Bay, its dimarms stretching far away and disappearing on both sides. It could furnishplentyofroomforalltheshipsintheworld,butitisshoal.Theleadhasgivenus31/2fathomsseveraltimesandwearedrawingthat,lacking6inches.A bold headland—precipitous wall, 150 feet high, very strong, red color,stretching amile or so.Aman said it was Portuguese blood—battle foughtherewiththenativeslastyear.Ithinkthisdoubtful.Prettyclusterofhousesonthetablelandabovetheredandrollingstretchesofgrassandgroupsoftrees,likeEngland.ThePortuguesehavetherailroad(onepassengertrainaday)totheborder—70miles—thentheNetherlandsCompanyhaveit.Thousandsoftonsoffreightonthe shore—no cover. This is Portuguese allover—indolence, piousness,poverty,impotence.Crewsofsmallboatsandtugs,alljetblackwoollyheadsandverymuscular.Winter. The SouthAfricanwinter is just beginning now, but nobody but anexpertcantellitfromsummer.However,Iamtiredofsummer;wehavehaditunbrokenforelevenmonths.Wespenttheafternoononshore,DelagoaBay.A

smalltown—nosights.Nocarriages.Three'rickshas,butwecouldn'tgetthem—apparently private. These Portuguese are a rich brown, like some of theIndians.Someoftheblackshavethelonghorseheadsandverylongchinsofthenegroesofthepicturebooks;butmostofthemareexactlylikethenegroesof our Southern States round faces, flat noses, good-natured, and easylaughers.Flocks of black women passed along, carrying outrageously heavy bags offreightontheirheads.Thequiveroftheirlegasthefootwasplantedandthestrainexhibitedbytheirbodiesshowedwhatataxupontheirstrengththeloadwas.Theywerestevedoresanddoing full stevedore'swork.Theywereveryerectwhenunladden—fromcarryingheavyloadsontheirheads—justliketheIndianwomen.Itgivesthemaproudfinecarriage.Sometimes one saw a woman carrying on her head a laden and top-heavybasket theshapeofan invertedpyramid—its top thesizeofasoup-plate, itsbasethediameterofateacup.Itrequirednicebalancing—andgotit.Nobrightcolors;yettherewereagoodmanyHindoos.TheSecondClassPassenger cameover asusual at "lightsout" (11) andwelounged along the spacious vague solitudes of the deck and smoked thepeacefulpipeandtalked.Hetoldmeanincident inMr.Barnum's lifewhichwasevidentlycharacteristicofthatgreatshowmaninseveralways:This was Barnum's purchase of Shakespeare's birthplace, a quarter of acenturyago.TheSecondClassPassengerwasinJamrach'semployatthetimeand knewBarnumwell. He said the thing began in thisway.OnemorningBarnum and Jamrach were in Jamrach's little private snuggery back of thewilderness of caged monkeys and snakes and other commonplaces ofJamrach's stock in trade, refreshing themselves after an arduous stroke ofbusiness, Jamrach with something orthodox, Barnum with somethingheterodox—for Barnumwas a teetotaler. The stroke of business was in theelephant line. Jamrachhadcontracted todeliver toBarnum inNewYork18elephantsfor$360,000intimeforthenextseason'sopening.ThenitoccurredtoMr.Barnumthatheneededa"card".HesuggestedJumbo.Jamrachsaidhewould have to think of something else—Jumbo couldn't be had; the Zoowouldn'tpartwiththatelephant.BarnumsaidhewaswillingtopayafortuneforJumbo ifhecouldgethim.Jamrachsaid itwasnouse to thinkabout it;thatJumbowasaspopularasthePrinceofWalesandtheZoowouldn'tdaretosell him; all Englandwould be outraged at the idea; Jumbowas anEnglishinstitution;hewaspartofthenationalglory;onemightaswellthinkofbuyingtheNelsonmonument.Barnumspokeupwithvivacityandsaid:"It'safirst-rateidea.I'llbuytheMonument."Jamrachwas speechless for a second.Thenhe said, like one ashamed "You

caughtme.Iwasnapping.ForamomentIthoughtyouwereinearnest."Barnumsaidpleasantly—"Iwas in earnest. I know theywon't sell it, but nomatter, Iwill not throwawayagoodideaforallthat.AllIwantisabigadvertisement.Iwillkeepthething inmind, and ifnothingbetter turnsup Iwilloffer tobuy it.Thatwillanswer every purpose. It will furnish me a couple of columns of gratisadvertisingineveryEnglishandAmericanpaperforacoupleofmonths,andgivemyshowthebiggestboomashoweverhadinthisworld."Jamrach started to deliver a burst of admiration, but was interrupted byBarnum,whosaid:"Hereisastateofthings!Englandoughttoblush."His eye had fallen upon something in the newspaper.He read it through tohimself,thenreaditaloud.ItsaidthatthehousethatShakespearewasborninat Stratford-on-Avonwas falling gradually to ruin through neglect; that theroomwherethepoetfirstsawthelightwasnowservingasabutcher'sshop;thatall appeals toEngland tocontributemoney (the requisite sumstated) tobuyand repair thehouseandplace it in thecareof salariedand trustworthykeepershadfallenresultless.ThenBarnumsaid:"There'smy chance. Let Jumbo and theMonument alone for the present—they'llkeep.I'llbuyShakespeare'shouse.I'llsetitupinmyMuseuminNewYorkandputaglasscasearounditandmakeasacredthingofit;andyou'llseeallAmericaflocktheretoworship;yes,andpilgrimsfromthewholeearth;andI'llmakethemtaketheirhatsoff,too.InAmericaweknowhowtovalueanythingthatShakespeare'stouchhasmadeholy.You'llsee."InconclusiontheS.C.P.said:"Thatisthewaythethingcameabout.BarnumdidbuyShakespeare'shouse.Hepaidthepriceasked,andreceivedtheproperlyattesteddocumentsofsale.Thentherewasanexplosion,Icantellyou.Englandrose!That,thebirthplaceof the master-genius of all the ages and all the climes—that pricelesspossessionofBritain—tobecartedoutofthecountrylikesomucholdlumberandsetupforsixpennydesecrationinaYankeeshow-shop—theideawasnotto be tolerated for amoment. England rose in her indignation; andBarnumwasgladtorelinquishhisprizeandofferapologies.However,hestoodoutforacompromise;heclaimedaconcession—EnglandmustlethimhaveJumbo.AndEnglandconsented,butnotcheerfully."Itshowshow,byhelpoftime,astorycangrow—evenafterBarnumhashadthe first innings in the telling of it.Mr. Barnum toldme the story himself,yearsago.HesaidthatthepermissiontobuyJumbowasnotaconcession;thepurchasewasmadeandtheanimaldeliveredbeforethepublicknewanything

aboutit.Also,thatthesecuringofJumbowasalltheadvertisementheneeded.It produced many columns of newspaper talk, free of cost, and he wassatisfied.HesaidthatifhehadfailedtogetJumbohewouldhavecausedhisnotion of buying the Nelson Monument to be treacherously smuggled intoprint by some trusty friend, and after hehadgotten a fewhundredpagesofgratuitous advertising out of it, hewould have come outwith a blundering,obtuse,butwarm-heartedletterofapology,andinapostscripttoitwouldhavenaivelyproposedtolettheMonumentgo,andtakeStonehengeinplaceofitatthesameprice.It was his opinion that such a letter, written with well-simulated asinineinnocenceandgushwouldhavegottenhisignoranceandstupidityanamountofnewspaperabuseworthsixfortunestohim,andnotpurchasablefortwicethemoney.IknewMr.Barnumwell,andIplacedeveryconfidenceintheaccountwhichhegavemeoftheShakespearebirthplaceepisode.Hesaidhefoundthehouseneglectedandgoing-todecay,andheinquiredintothematterandwastoldthatmanytimesearnesteffortshadbeenmadetoraisemoneyforitsproperrepairand preservation, but without success. He then proposed to buy it. Theproposition was entertained, and a price named—$50,000, I think; butwhatever it was, Barnum paid the money down, without remark, and thepapersweredrawnupandexecuted.HesaidthatithadbeenhispurposetosetupthehouseinhisMuseum,keepitinrepair,protectitfromname-scribblersand other desecrators, and leave it by bequest to the safe and perpetualguardianshipoftheSmithsonianInstituteatWashington.ButassoonasitwasfoundthatShakespeare'shousehadpassedintoforeignhandsandwasgoingtobecarriedacrosstheocean,Englandwasstirredasnoappeal from the custodiansof the relichad ever stirredEnglandbefore, andprotests came flowing in—and money, too, to stop the outrage. Offers ofrepurchaseweremade—offersofdoublethemoneythatMr.Barnumhadpaidforthehouse.Hehandedthehouseback,buttookonlythesumwhichithadcost him—but on the condition that an endowment sufficient for the futuresafeguarding and maintenance of the sacred relic should be raised. Thisconditionwasfulfilled.That was Barnum's account of the episode; and to the end of his days heclaimed with pride and satisfaction that not England, but America—representedbyhim—savedthebirthplaceofShakespearefromdestruction.At3P.M.,May6th,theshipsloweddown,offtheland,andthoughtfullyandcautiouslypickedherwayintothesnugharborofDurban,SouthAfrica.

CHAPTERLXV.

Instatesmanshipgettheformalitiesright,nevermindaboutthemoralities.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.FROMDIARY:RoyalHotel.Comfortable,goodtable,goodserviceofnativesandMadrasis.Curiousjumbleofmodernandancientcityandvillage,primitivenessandtheother thing. Electric bells, but they don't ring. Asked why they didn't, thewatchmanintheofficesaidhethoughttheymustbeoutoforder;hethoughtsobecausesomeofthemrang,butmostofthemdidn't.Wouldn'titbeagoodidea toput theminorder?Hehesitated—likeonewhoisn'tquitesure—thenconcededthepoint.May7.Abangonthedoorat6.DidIwantmybootscleaned?Fifteenminuteslateranotherbang.Didwewantcoffee?Fifteen later,bangagain,mywife'sbathready;15later,mybathready.Twootherbangs;Iforgetwhattheywereabout.Thenlotsofshoutingbackandforth,amongtheservantsjustasinanIndianhotel.Evening. At 4 P.M. it was unpleasantly warm. Half-hour after sunset oneneededaspringovercoat;by8awinterone.Durbanisaneatandcleantown.Onenoticesthatwithouthavinghisattentioncalledtoit.Rickshaws drawn by splendidly built black Zulus, so overflowing withstrength, seemingly, that it is a pleasure, not a pain, to see them snatch arickshawalong.Theysmileand laughandshowtheir teeth—agood-naturedlot. Not allowed to drink; 2s per hour for one person; 3s for two; 3d for acourse—oneperson.Thechameleon in thehotel court.He is fat and indolent andcontemplative;butisbusiness-likeandcapablewhenaflycomesabout—reachesoutatonguelikeateaspoonandtakeshimin.Hegumshistonguefirst.Heisalwayspious,inhislooks.Andpiousandthankfulboth,whenProvidenceoroneofussendshimafly.Hehasafroggyhead,andabacklikeanewgrave—forshape;andhands like a bird's toes that have been frostbitten. But his eyes are hisexhibitionfeature.Acoupleofskinnyconesprojectfromthesidesofhishead,withaweeshinybeadofaneyesetintheapexofeach;andtheseconesturnbodily likepivot-gunsandpoint every-which-way, and theyare independentofeachother;eachhasitsownexclusivemachinery.WhenIambehindhimandC.infrontofhim,hewhirlsoneeyerearwardsandtheotherforwards—which gives him a most Congressional expression (one eye on theconstituencyandoneontheswag);andthenifsomethinghappensaboveand

below him he shoots out one eye upward like a telescope and the otherdownward—andthischangeshisexpression,butdoesnotimproveit.Nativesmustnotbeoutafterthecurfewbellwithoutapass.InNataltherearetenblackstoonewhite.Sturdyplump creatures are thewomen.They comb theirwool up to a peakandkeepitinpositionbystiffeningitwithbrown-redclay—halfofthistowercolored,denotesengagement;thewholeofitcoloreddenotesmarriage.NonebutheathenZulusonthepolice;Christianonesnotallowed.May 9. A drive yesterdaywith friends over the Berea. Very fine roads andlofty, overlooking the whole town, the harbor, and the sea-beautiful views.Residencesallalong,setinthemidstofgreenlawnswithshrubsandgenerallyone or two intensely red outbursts of poinsettia—the flaming splotch ofblinding red a stunning contrast with the world of surrounding green. Thecactus tree—candelabrum-like; and one twisted like gray writhing serpents.The "flat-crown" (should be flat-roof)—half a dozen naked branches full ofelbows, slant upward like artificial supports, and fling a roof of delicatefoliageoutinahorizontalplatformasflatasafloor;andyoulookupthroughthisthinfloorasthroughagreencobweborveil.Thebranchesarejapanesich.Allaboutyou isabewilderingvarietyofunfamiliarandbeautiful trees;onesortwonderfullydensefoliageandverydarkgreen—sodarkthatyounoticeitatonce,notwithstandingtherearesomanyorangetrees.The"flamboyant"—not in flower, now, but when in flower lives up to its name, we are told.Anothertreewithalovelyuprighttasselscatteredamongitsrichgreenery,redand glowing as a firecoal. Here and there a gum-tree; half a dozen loftyNorfolk Island pines lifting their fronded arms skyward. Groups of tallbamboo.Sawonebird.Notmanybirdshere,andtheyhavenomusic—andtheflowersnotmuchsmell,theygrowsofast.Everythingneatandtrimandcleanlikethetown.Theloveliesttreesandthegreatest variety I have ever seen anywhere, except approaching Darjeeling.HavenotheardanyonecallNatalthegardenofSouthAfrica,butthatiswhatitprobablyis.ItwaswhenBishopofNatalthatColensoraisedsuchastorminthereligiousworld.Theconcernsof religionareavitalmatterhereyet.Avigilanteye iskeptuponSunday.Museumsandotherdangerousresortsarenotallowedtobeopen.YoumaysailontheBay,butitiswickedtoplaycricket.ForawhileaSundayconcertwas tolerated,uponcondition that itmustbeadmission freeand themoney taken by collection. But the collectionwas alarmingly largeand that stopped thematter. They are particular about babies. A clergymanwouldnotburyachildaccording to thesacred ritesbecause ithadnotbeen

baptized.TheHindooismoreliberal.Heburnsnochildunderthree,holdingthatitdoesnotneedpurifying.TheKingoftheZulus,afinefellowof30,wasbanishedsixyearsagoforatermofsevenyears.HeisoccupyingNapoleon'soldstand—St.Helena.Thepeoplearealittlenervousabouthavinghimcomeback,andtheymaywellbe,forZulu kings have been terrible people sometimes—likeTchaka,Dingaan,andCetewayo.ThereisalargeTrappistmonasterytwohoursfromDurban,overthecountryroads,andincompanywithMr.MilliganandMr.Hunter,generalmanageroftheNatalgovernmentrailways,whoknewtheheadsofit,wewentouttoseeit.Thereitallwas,justasonereadsaboutitinbooksandcannotbelievethatitisso—Imean therough,hardwork, the impossiblehours, thescantyfood, thecoarse raiment, theMaryborough beds, the tabu of human speech, of socialintercourse,ofrelaxation,ofamusement,ofentertainment,ofthepresenceofwomaninthemen'sestablishment.Thereitallwas.Itwasnotadream,itwasnota lie.Andyetwith the factbeforeone's face itwas still incredible. It issuchasweepingsuppressionofhumaninstincts,suchanextinctionofthemanasanindividual.La Trappe must have known the human race well. The scheme which heinventedhuntsouteverythingthatamanwantsandvalues—andwithholdsitfromhim.Apparently there isnodetail that canhelpmake lifeworth livingthathasnotbeencarefullyascertainedandplacedoutoftheTrappist'sreach.LaTrappemusthaveknownthatthereweremenwhowouldenjoythiskindofmisery,buthowdidhefinditout?Ifhehadconsultedyouormehewouldhavebeentoldthathisschemelackedtoomanyattractions;thatitwasimpossible;thatitcouldneverbefloated.Butthere in themonasterywasproof thatheknewthehumanracebetter than itknewitself.Hesethisfootuponeverydesirethatamanhas—yethefloatedhis project, and it has prospered for two hundred years, and will go onprosperingforever,nodoubt.Man likes personal distinction—there in the monastery it is obliterated. Helikesdeliciousfood—therehegetsbeansandbreadandtea,andnotenoughofit.Helikestoliesoftly—thereheliesonasandmattress,andhasapillowandablanket,butnosheet.Whenheisdining,inagreatcompanyoffriends,helikestolaughandchat—thereamonkreadsaholybookaloudduringmeals,andnobodyspeaksorlaughs.Whenamanhasahundredfriendsabouthim,evenings,helikestohaveagoodtimeandrunlate—thereheandtherestgosilently tobed at 8; and in thedark, too; there is but a loosebrown robe todiscard,therearenonight-clothestoputon,alightisnotneeded.Manlikesto

lie abed late—there he gets up once or twice in the night to perform somereligious office, and gets up finally for the day at two in themorning.Manlikes lightworkornoneatall—therehe laborsallday in thefield,or in theblacksmithshoportheothershopsdevotedtothemechanicaltrades,suchasshoemaking,saddlery,carpentry,andsoon.Manlikesthesocietyofgirlsandwomen—thereheneverhasit.Helikestohavehischildrenabouthim,andpetthemandplaywith them—therehehasnone.He likesbilliards—there isnotable there. He likes outdoor sports and indoor dramatic and musical andsocialentertainments—therearenonethere.Helikestobetonthings—Iwastoldthatbettingisforbiddenthere.Whenaman'stemperisuphelikestopourit out upon somebody there this is not allowed.Aman likes animals—pets;therearenonethere.Helikestosmoke—therehecannotdoit.Helikestoreadthenews—nopapersormagazinescomethere.Amanlikestoknowhowhisparentsandbrothersandsistersaregettingalongwhenheisaway,andiftheymiss him—there he cannot know. A man likes a pretty house, and prettyfurniture,andprettythings,andprettycolors—therehehasnothingbutnakedaridityandsombrecolors.Amanlikes—nameityourself:whateveritis,itisabsentfromthatplace.FromwhatIcouldlearn,allthatamangetsforthisismerelythesavingofhissoul.Itallseemsstrange,incredible,impossible.ButLaTrappeknewtherace.Heknewthepowerfulattractionofunattractiveness;heknewthatnolifecouldbeimagined,howsoevercomfortlessand forbidding,but somebodywouldwanttotryit.This parent establishment of Germans began its work fifteen years ago,strangers, poor, and unencouraged; it owns 15,000 acres of land now, andraises grain and fruit, and makes wines, and manufactures all manner ofthings, andhasnative apprentices in its shops, and sends them forth able toreadandwrite,andalsowellequippedtoearntheirlivingbytheirtrades.Andthisyoungestablishmenthas setupelevenbranches inSouthAfrica, and inthem they are christianizing and educating and teaching wage-yieldingmechanical trades to 1,200 boys and girls. Protestant Missionary work iscoldlyregardedbythecommercialwhitecolonistallovertheheathenworld,as a rule, and its product is nicknamed "rice-Christians" (occupationlessincapables who join the church for revenue only), but I think it would bedifficulttopickaflawintheworkoftheseCatholicmonks,andIbelievethatthedispositiontoattemptithasnotshownitself.Tuesday, May 12. Transvaal politics in a confused condition. First thesentencingoftheJohannesburgReformersstartledEnglandbyitsseverity;onthe top of this cameKruger's exposure of the cipher correspondence,whichshowed that the invasion of the Transvaal, with the design of seizing that

countryandaddingittotheBritishEmpire,wasplannedbyCecilRhodesandBeit—which made a revulsion in English feeling, and brought out a stormagainstRhodesandtheCharteredCompanyfordegradingBritishhonor.Foragoodwhile I couldn't seem to get at a clear comprehension of it, it was sotangled. But at last by patient study I have managed it, I believe. As Iunderstandit,theUitlandersandotherDutchmenweredissatisfiedbecausetheEnglishwouldnotallowthemtotakeanypartinthegovernmentexcepttopaytaxes.Next,asIunderstandit,Dr.KrugerandDr.Jameson,nothavingbeenabletomakethemedicalbusinesspay,madearaidintoMatabelelandwiththeintentionofcapturingthecapital,Johannesburg,andholdingthewomenandchildren to ransom until theUitlanders and the other Boers should grant tothemandtheCharteredCompanythepoliticalrightswhichhadbeenwithheldfromthem.Theywouldhavesucceededinthisgreatscheme,asIunderstandit,butfortheinterferenceofCecilRhodesandMr.Beit,andotherChiefsoftheMatabele,whopersuaded their countrymen to revolt and throwoff theirallegiancetoGermany.This,inturn,asIunderstandit,provokedtheKingofAbyssiniatodestroytheItalianarmyandfallbackuponJohannesburg;thisattheinstigationofRhodes,tobullthestockmarket.

CHAPTERLXVI.

Everyoneisamoon,andhasadarksidewhichhenevershowstoanybody.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.When I scribbled inmynote-bookayear ago theparagraphwhichends thepreceding chapter, it was meant to indicate, in an extravagant form, twothings:theconflictingnatureoftheinformationconveyedbythecitizentothestrangerconcerningSouthAfricanpolitics,andtheresultingconfusioncreatedinthestranger'smindthereby.Butitdoesnotseemsoveryextravagantnow.Nothingcouldinthatdisturbedand excited time make South African politics clear or quite rational to thecitizenofthecountrybecausehispersonalinterestandhispoliticalprejudiceswereinhisway;andnothingcouldmakethosepoliticsclearorrationaltothestranger,thesourcesofhisinformationbeingsuchastheywere.IwasinSouthAfricasomelittle time.WhenIarrivedtherethepoliticalpotwasboiling fiercely.Fourmonthspreviously, Jamesonhadplungedover theTransvaal border with about 600 armed horsemen at his back, to go to the"reliefofthewomenandchildren"ofJohannesburg;onthefourthdayofhismarch theBoershaddefeatedhim inbattle,andcarriedhimandhismen toPretoria, the capital, as prisoners; theBoer government had turned Jameson

andhisofficersovertotheBritishgovernmentfortrial,andshippedthemtoEngland;next, ithadarrested64 importantcitizensofJohannesburgas raid-conspirators, condemned their four leaders to death, then commuted thesentences, and now the 64 were waiting, in jail, for further results. Beforemidsummertheywerealloutexceptingtwo,whorefusedtosignthepetitionsforrelease;58hadbeenfined$10,000eachandenlarged,andthefourleadershadgottenoffwithfinesof$125,000eachwithpermanentexileadded,inonecase.Thosewerewonderfullyinterestingdaysforastranger,andIwasgladtobeinthe thick of the excitement. Everybody was talking, and I expected tounderstandthewholeofonesideofitinaverylittlewhile.Iwas disappointed. Therewere singularities, perplexities, unaccountabilitiesaboutitwhichIwasnotabletomaster.IhadnopersonalaccesstoBoers—theirsidewasasecrettome,asidefromwhatIwasabletogatherofitfrompublished statements. My sympathies were soon with the Reformers in thePretoria jail, with their friends, andwith their cause. By diligent inquiry inJohannesburg I found out—apparently—all the details of their side of thequarrelexceptone—whattheyexpectedtoaccomplishbyanarmedrising.Nobodyseemedtoknow.The reasonwhy theReformerswerediscontentedandwantedsomechangesmade,seemedquiteclear.InJohannesburgitwasclaimedthattheUitlanders(strangers, foreigners) paid thirteen-fifteenthsof theTransvaal taxes, yet gotlittle or nothing for it. Their city had no charter; it had no municipalgovernment; it could levy no taxes for drainage, water-supply, paving,cleaning,sanitation,policing.Therewasapoliceforce,but itwascomposedof Boers, it was furnished by the State Government, and the city had nocontroloverit.Miningwasverycostly;thegovernmentenormouslyincreasedthe cost by putting burdensome taxes upon the mines, the output, themachinery,thebuildings;byburdensomeimpostsuponincomingmaterials;byburdensome railway-freight-charges. Hardest of all to bear, the governmentreservedtoitselfamonopolyinthatessentialthing,dynamite,andburdeneditwithanextravagantprice.ThedetestedHollanderfromoverthewaterheldallthepublic offices.Thegovernmentwas rankwith corruption.TheUitlanderhadnovote,andmustliveintheStatetenortwelveyearsbeforehecouldgetone.HewasnotrepresentedintheRaad(legislature)thatoppressedhimandfleecedhim.Religionwasnotfree.Therewerenoschoolswheretheteachingwas in English, yet the great majority of the white population of the Stateknewnotonguebutthat.TheStatewouldnotpassaliquorlaw;butallowedagreattradeincheapvilebrandyamongtheblacks,withtheresultthat25percent. of the 50,000 blacks employed in the mines were usually drunk andincapableofworking.

There—itwasplainenoughthatthereasonsforwantingsomechangesmadewereabundantandreasonable,ifthisstatementoftheexistinggrievanceswascorrect.WhattheUitlanderswantedwasreform—undertheexistingRepublic.Whattheyproposedtodowastosecurethesereformsby,prayer,petition,andpersuasion.They did petition.Also, they issued aManifesto,whose very first note is abugle-blastof loyalty:"Wewant theestablishmentof thisRepublicasa trueRepublic."CouldanythingbeclearerthantheUitlander'sstatementofthegrievancesandoppressionsunderwhich theyweresuffering?Couldanythingbemore legaland citizen-like and law-respecting than their attitude as expressed by theirManifesto?No.Thosethingswereperfectlyclear,perfectlycomprehensible.Butatthispointthepuzzlesandriddlesandconfusionsbegintoflockin.Youhavearrivedataplacewhichyoucannotquiteunderstand.For you find that as a preparation for this loyal, lawful, and in every wayunexceptionableattempttopersuadethegovernmenttorighttheirgrievances,theUitlandershadsmuggledaMaximgunortwoand1,500musketsintothetown, concealed in oil tanks and coal cars, andhadbegun to formanddrillmilitarycompaniescomposedofclerks,merchants,andcitizensgenerally.Whatwastheiridea?DidtheysupposethattheBoerswouldattackthemforpetitioning,forredress?Thatcouldnotbe.Did they suppose that the Boers would attack them even for issuing aManifestodemandingreliefundertheexistinggovernment?Yes,theyapparentlybelievedso,becausetheairwasfulloftalkofforcingthegovernmenttograntredressifitwerenotgrantedpeacefully.TheReformersweremen of high intelligence. If theywere in earnest, theywere takingextraordinary risks.Theyhadenormouslyvaluableproperties todefend; their town was full of women and children; their mines andcompoundswerepackedwith thousandsupon thousandsof sturdyblacks. IftheBoersattacked, themineswouldclose, theblackswould swarmoutandget drunk; riot and conflagration and the Boers together might lose theReformers more in a day, in money, blood, and suffering, than the desiredpoliticalreliefcouldcompensateintenyearsiftheywonthefightandsecuredthereforms.ItisMay,1897,now;ayearhasgoneby,andtheconfusionsofthatdayhavebeen toaconsiderabledegreeclearedaway.Mr.CecilRhodes,Dr.Jameson,and others responsible for the Raid, have testified before the ParliamentaryCommitteeof Inquiry inLondon, and sohaveMr.LionelPhillips andother

JohannesburgReformers,monthly-nurses of theRevolutionwhichwas borndead.Thesetestimonieshavethrownlight.Threebookshaveaddedmuchtothislight:"SouthAfricaAs It Is,"byMr.Statham,anablewriterpartial to theBoers;"TheStoryof anAfricanCrisis,"byMr.Garrett, abrilliantwriterpartial toRhodes; and "A Woman's Part in a Revolution," by Mrs. John HaysHammond,avigorousandvividdiarist,partialtotheReformers.Byliquifyingthe evidence of the prejudiced books and of the prejudiced parliamentarywitnesses and stirring the whole together and pouring it into my own(prejudiced) moulds, I have got at the truth of that puzzling South Africansituation,whichisthis:1. The capitalists and other chief men of Johannesburg were fretting undervarious political and financial burdens imposed by the State (the SouthAfricanRepublic,sometimescalled"theTransvaal")anddesiredtoprocurebypeacefulmeansamodificationofthelaws.2.Mr.CecilRhodes,PremieroftheBritishCapeColony,millionaire,creatorand managing director of the territorially-immense and financiallyunproductive South Africa Company; projector of vast schemes for theunification and consolidation of all the South African States, one imposingcommonwealth or empire under the shadow and general protection of theBritish flag, thought he saw an opportunity to make profitable use of theUitlanderdiscontentabovementioned—make theJohannesburgcathelppulloutoneofhisconsolidationchestnutsforhim.Withthisviewhesethimselfthe task ofwarming the lawful and legitimate petitions and supplications ofthe Uitlanders into seditious talk, and their frettings into threatenings—thefinal outcome to be revolt and armed rebellion. If he could bring about abloodycollisionbetweenthosepeopleandtheBoergovernment,GreatBritainwouldhavetointerfere;herinterferencewouldberesistedbytheBoers;shewouldchastisethemandaddtheTransvaaltoherSouthAfricanpossessions.Itwasnotafoolishidea,butarationalandpracticalone.Afteracoupleofyearsofjudiciousplotting,Mr.Rhodeshadhisreward;therevolutionary kettle was briskly boiling in Johannesburg, and the Uitlanderleaders were backing their appeals to the government—now hardened intodemands—by threats of force and bloodshed. By the middle of December,1895, the explosion seemed imminent. Mr. Rhodes was diligently helping,from his distant post in Cape Town. He was helping to procure arms forJohannesburg;hewasalsoarranging tohaveJamesonbreakover theborderandcome toJohannesburgwith600mountedmenathisback. Jameson—asper instructions fromRhodes, perhaps—wanted a letter from theReformersrequesting him to come to their aid. It was a good idea. It would throw aconsiderable share of the responsibility of his invasion upon theReformers.

He got the letter—that famous one urging him to fly to the rescue of thewomen and children. He got it twomonths before he flew. The Reformersseemtohavethoughtitoverandconcludedthattheyhadnotdonewisely;forthe next day after giving Jameson the implicating document theywanted towithdrawitand leave thewomenandchildren indanger;but theywere toldthatitwastoolate.TheoriginalhadgonetoMr.RhodesattheCape.Jamesonhadkeptacopy,though.Fromthattimeuntilthe29thofDecember,agooddealoftheReformers'timewas taken up with energetic efforts to keep Jameson from coming to theirassistance.Jameson'sinvasionhadbeensetforthe26th.TheReformerswerenotready.Thetownwasnotunited.Somewantedafight,somewantedpeace;some wanted a new government, some wanted the existing one reformed;apparently very fewwanted the revolution to take place in the interest andundertheultimateshelteroftheImperialflag—British;yetareportbegantospread thatMr. Rhodes's embarrassing assistance had for its end this latterobject.Jamesonwasawayuponthefrontiertuggingathisleash,frettingtoburstovertheborder.ByhardworktheReformersgothisstarting-datepostponedalittle,andwantedtogetitpostponedelevendays.Apparently,Rhodes'sagentsweresecondingtheirefforts—infactwearingoutthetelegraphwirestryingtoholdhim back. Rhodes was himself the only man who could have effectivelypostponedJameson,but thatwouldhavebeenadisadvantage tohisscheme;indeed,itcouldspoilhiswholetwoyears'work.Jameson endured postponement three days, then resolved towait no longer.Without any orders—exceptingMr.Rhodes's significant silence—he cut thetelegraphwiresonthe29th,andmadehisplungethatnight,togototherescueofthewomenandchildren,byurgentrequestofaletternowninedaysold—asperdate,—acoupleofmonthsold,infact.Hereadthelettertohismen,anditaffectedthem.Itdidnotaffectallofthemalike.Somesawinitapieceofpiracy of doubtful wisdom, and were sorry to find that they had beenassembledtoviolatefriendlyterritoryinsteadoftoraidnativekraals,astheyhadsupposed.Jamesonwould have to ride 150miles.Heknew that therewere suspicionsabroad in the Transvaal concerning him, but he expected to get through toJohannesburg before they should become general and obstructive. But atelegraph wire had been overlooked and not cut. It spread the news of hisinvasionfarandwide,anda fewhoursafterhisstart theBoer farmerswereridinghardfromeverydirectiontointercepthim.AssoonasitwasknowninJohannesburgthathewasonhiswaytorescuethewomenandchildren,thegratefulpeopleputthewomenandchildreninatrainandrushedthemforAustralia.Infact,theapproachofJohannesburg'ssaviour

createdpanicandconsternation there,andamultitudeofmalesofpeaceabledisposition swept to the trains like a sand-storm. The early ones fared best;theysecuredseats—bysittinginthem—eighthoursbeforethefirsttrainwastimedtoleave.Mr. Rhodes lost no time. He cabled the renowned Johannesburg letter ofinvitation to the London press—the gray-headedest piece of ancient historythateverwentoveracable.Thenewpoetlaureatelostnotime.HecameoutwitharousingpoemlaudingJameson'spromptandsplendidheroisminflyingtotherescueofthewomenandchildren;forthepoetcouldnotknowthathedidnotflyuntiltwomonthsaftertheinvitation.Hewasdeceivedbythefalsedateoftheletter,whichwasDecember20th.JamesonwasinterceptedbytheBoersonNewYear'sDay,andonthenextdayhe surrendered. He had carried his copy of the letter along, and if hisinstructions requiredhim—incaseof emergency—to see that it fell into thehandsof theBoers,heloyallycarriedthemout.Mrs.Hammondgiveshimasharp rap forhis supposedcarelessness, andemphasizesher feelingabout itwithburningitalics:"Itwaspickeduponthebattle-fieldinaleathernpouch,supposed to be Dr. Jameson's saddle-bag.Why, in the name of all that isdiscreetandhonorable,didn'theeatit!"Sherequirestoomuch.HewasnotintheserviceoftheReformers—exceptingostensibly;hewasintheserviceofMr.Rhodes.ItwastheonlyplainEnglishdocument,undarkenedbyciphersandmysteries,and responsiblysignedandauthenticated,whichsquarelyimplicatedtheReformersintheraid,anditwasnottoMr.Rhodes'sinterestthatitshouldbeeaten.Besides,thatletterwasnottheoriginal,itwasonlyacopy.Mr.Rhodeshadtheoriginal—anddidn'teatit.He cabled it to the London press. It had already been read in England andAmericaandalloverEuropebeforeJamesondroppeditonthebattlefield.Ifthesubordinate'sknucklesdeservedarap,theprincipal'sdeservedasmanyasacoupleofthem.That letter is a juicily dramatic incident and is entitled to all its celebrity,because of the odd and variegated effectswhich it produced.Allwithin thespaceofasingleweekithadmadeJamesonanillustriousheroinEngland,apirateinPretoria,andanasswithoutdiscretionorhonorinJohannesburg;alsoit had produced a poet-laureatic explosion of colored fireworkswhich filledtheworld's skywith giddy splendors, and, the knowledge that JamesonwascomingwithittorescuethewomenandchildrenemptiedJohannesburgofthatdetail of the population. For an old letter, this was much. For a letter twomonths old, it did marvels; if it had been a year old it would have donemiracles.<<br>

CHAPTERLXVII.

FirstcatchyourBoer,thenkickhim.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.Those latter days were days of bitter worry and trouble for the harassedReformers.FromMrs.Hammondwe learn that on the31st (theday after Johannesburgheard of the invasion), "The Reform Committee repudiates Dr. Jameson'sinroad."ItalsopublishesitsintentiontoadheretotheManifesto.It also earnestly desires that the inhabitants shall refrain from overt actsagainsttheBoergovernment.It also "distributes arms" at the Court House, and furnishes horses "to thenewly-enrolledvolunteers."It alsobringsaTransvaal flag into thecommittee-room,and theentirebodyswearallegiancetoit"withuncoveredheadsandupraisedarms."Also"onethousandLee-Metfordrifleshavebeengivenout"—torebels.Also,inaspeech,ReformerLionelPhillipsinformsthepublicthattheReformCommitteeDelegationhas "been receivedwith courtesyby theGovernmentCommission," and "been assured that their proposals shall be earnestlyconsidered." That "while the Reform Committee regretted Jameson'sprecipitateaction,theywouldstandbyhim."Also the populace are in a state of "wild enthusiasm," and "can scarcely berestrained; they want to go out to meet Jameson and bring him in withtriumphaloutcry."Also the British High Commissioner has issued a damnifying proclamationagainstJamesonandallBritishabettorsofhisgame.ItarrivesJanuary1st.It is a difficult position for the Reformers, and full of hindrances andperplexities.Theirdutyishard,butplain:1.Theyhavetorepudiatetheinroad,andstandbytheinroader.2. They have to swear allegiance to the Boer government, and distributecavalryhorsestotherebels.3.TheyhavetoforbidovertactsagainsttheBoergovernment,anddistributearmstoitsenemies.4.TheyhavetoavoidcollisionwiththeBritishgovernment,butstillstandbyJameson and their new oath of allegiance to the Boer government, taken,

uncovered,inpresenceofitsflag.Theydidsuchofthesethingsastheycould;theytriedtodothemall;infact,diddo themall,butonly in turn,not simultaneously. In thenatureof thingstheycouldnotbemadetosimultane.In preparing for armed revolution and in talking revolution, were theReformers "bluffing," orwere they in earnest? If theywere in earnest, theyweretakinggreatrisks—ashasbeenalreadypointedout.Agentlemanofhighposition told me in Johannesburg that he had in his possession a printeddocument proclaiming a new government and naming its president—one oftheReformleaders.Hesaid that thisproclamationhadbeen readyfor issue,but was suppressed when the raid collapsed. Perhaps I misunderstood him.Indeed, Imusthavemisunderstoodhim, for Ihavenot seenmentionof thislargeincidentinprintanywhere.Besides, I hope I ammistaken; for, if I am, then there is argument that theReformerswereprivatelynotserious,butwereonlytryingtoscaretheBoergovernmentintograntingthedesiredreforms.TheBoergovernmentwasscared,andithadarighttobe.ForifMr.Rhodes'splanwastoprovokeacollisionthatwouldcompeltheinterferenceofEngland,that was a serious matter. If it could be shown that that was also theReformers' plan and purpose, it would prove that they had marked out afeasibleproject,atanyrate,althoughitwasonewhichcouldhardlyfailtocostthemruinouslybeforeEnglandshouldarrive.Butitseemsclearthattheyhadno such plan nor desire. If,when theworst should come to theworst, theymeant to overthrow the government, they also meant to inherit the assetsthemselves,nodoubt.This scheme could hardly have succeeded.With an army of Boers at theirgatesand50,000riotousblacksintheirmidst,theoddsagainstsuccesswouldhave been too heavy—even if the whole town had been armed.With only2,500riflesintheplace,theystoodreallynochance.Tome, the military problems of the situation are of more interest than thepolitical ones, becausebydisposition I have alwaysbeen especially fondofwar.No,Imeanfondofdiscussingwar;andfondofgivingmilitaryadvice.IfIhadbeenwithJamesonthemorningafterhestarted,Ishouldhaveadvisedhim to turn back. That wasMonday; it was then that he received his firstwarningfromaBoersourcenottoviolatethefriendlysoiloftheTransvaal.Itshowed that his invasion was known. If I had been with him on Tuesdaymorning and afternoon, when he received further warnings, I should haverepeatedmyadvice.IfIhadbeenwithhimthenextmorning—NewYear's—whenhe receivednotice that "a fewhundred"Boerswerewaiting forhimafewmilesahead,Ishouldnothaveadvised,butcommandedhimtogoback.

AndifIhadbeenwithhimtwoorthreehourslater—athingnotconceivabletome—Ishouldhaveretiredhimbyforce;foratthattimehelearnedthatthefewhundredhadnowgrownto800;andthatmeantthatthegrowingwouldgoongrowing.For,byauthorityofMr.Garrett,oneknowsthatJameson's600wereonly530atmost,whenyoucountouthisnativedrivers,etc.;andthatthe530consistedlargely of "green" youths, "raw young fellows," not trained and war-wornBritishsoldiers;andIwouldhavetoldJamesonthatthoseladswouldnotbeable toshooteffectivelyfromhorseback in thescamperandracketofbattle,andthattherewouldnotbeanythingforthemtoshootat,anyway,butrocks;fortheBoerswouldbebehindtherocks,notoutintheopen.Iwouldhavetoldhimthat300Boersharpshootersbehindrockswouldbeanovermatchforhis500rawyoungfellowsonhorseback.Ifpluckweretheonlythingessentialtobattle-winning,theEnglishwouldlosenobattles.Butdiscretion,aswellaspluck,isrequiredwhenonefightsBoersandRedIndians.InSouthAfricatheBritonhasalwaysinsisteduponstandingbravely up, unsheltered, before the hidden Boer, and taking the results:Jameson'smenwouldfollowthecustom.Jamesonwouldnothavelistenedtome—he would have been intent upon repeating history, according toprecedent.Americans arenot acquaintedwith theBritish-Boerwarof1881;butitshistoryisinteresting,andcouldhavebeeninstructivetoJamesonifhehad been receptive. I will cull some details of it from trustworthy sourcesmainlyfrom"Russell'sNatal."Mr.Russell isnotaBoer,butaBriton.He isinspector of schools, and his history is a text-book whose purpose is theinstructionoftheNatalEnglishyouth.AftertheseizureoftheTransvaalandthesuppressionoftheBoergovernmentby England in 1877, the Boers fretted for three years, and made severalappealstoEnglandforarestorationoftheirliberties,butwithoutresult.Thenthey gathered themselves together in a great mass-meeting at Krugersdorp,talkedtheirtroublesover,andresolvedtofightfortheirdeliverancefromtheBritish yoke. (Krugersdorp—the place where the Boers interrupted theJamesonraid.)Thelittlehandfuloffarmersroseagainstthestrongestempirein theworld. They proclaimedmartial law and the re-establishment of theirRepublic.Theyorganizedtheirforcesandsent themforwardto intercept theBritish battalions. This, although Sir Garnet Wolseley had but lately madeproclamation that "so long as the sun shone in the heavens," the Transvaalwouldbe and remainEnglish territory.Andalso in spiteof the fact that thecommander of the 94th regiment—already on the march to suppress thisrebellion—hadbeen heard to say that "theBoerswould turn tail at the firstbeatofthebigdrum."—["SouthAfricaAsItIs,"byF.ReginaldStatham,page82.London:T.FisherUnwin,1897.]

Fourdaysaftertheflag-raising,theBoerforcewhichhadbeensentforwardtoforbidtheinvasionoftheEnglishtroopsmetthematBronkhorstSpruit—246menofthe94thregiment,incommandofacolonel,thebigdrumbeating,thebandplaying—andthefirstbattlewasfought.Itlastedtenminutes.Result:Britishloss,morethan150officersandmen,outofthe246.Surrenderoftheremnant.Boerloss—ifany—notstated.They are fine marksmen, the Boers. From the cradle up, they live onhorsebackandhuntwildanimalswiththerifle.TheyhaveapassionforlibertyandtheBible,andcarefornothingelse."GeneralSirGeorgeColley,Lieutenant-GovernorandCommander-in-ChiefinNatal, felt it his duty to proceed at once to the relief of the loyalists andsoldiersbeleaguered in thedifferent townsof theTransvaal."Hemovedoutwith1,000menandsomeartillery.HefoundtheBoersencampedinastrongand shelteredpositiononhighground atLaing'sNek—everyBoerbehind arock.Earlyinthemorningofthe28thJanuary,1881,hemovedtotheattack"withthe58thregiment,commandedbyColonelDeane,amountedsquadronof70men,the60thRifles,theNavalBrigadewiththreerockettubes,andtheArtillerywith six guns."He shelled the Boers for twentyminutes, then theassaultwas delivered, the 58thmarching up the slope in solid column. Thebattlewassoonfinished,withthisresult,accordingtoRussell—Britishlossinkilledandwounded,174.Boerloss,"trifling."Colonel Deane was killed, and apparently every officer above the grade oflieutenant was killed or wounded, for the 58th retreated to its camp incommandofalieutenant.("AfricaasItIs.")Thatendedthesecondbattle.On the 7th of February General Colley discovered that the Boers wereflanking his position.The nextmorning he left his camp atMount Pleasantandmarchedout and crossed the Ingogo riverwith 270men, started up theIngogoheights,andtherefoughtabattlewhichlastedfromnoontillnightfall.He then retreated, leaving his wounded with his military chaplain, and inrecrossingthenowswollenriverlostsomeofhismenbydrowning.ThatwasthethirdBoervictory.Result,accordingtoMr.Russell—Britishloss150outof270engaged.Boerloss,8killed,9wounded—17.There was a season of quiet, now, but at the end of about three weeks SirGeorgeColleyconceived the ideaofclimbing,withan infantryandartillery

force, thesteepandruggedmountainofAmajubain thenight—abitterhardtask, but he accomplished it.On theway he left about 200men to guard astrategicpoint,andtookabout400upthemountainwithhim.Whenthesunrose in themorning, therewas an unpleasant surprise for theBoers; yonderwere the English troops visible on top of the mountain two or three milesaway, andnow their ownpositionwas at themercyof theEnglish artillery.TheBoerchiefresolvedtoretreat—upthatmountain.Heaskedforvolunteers,andgotthem.Thestormingpartycrossedtheswaleandbegantocreepupthesteeps,"andfrombehindrocksandbushestheyshotatthesoldiersontheskylineasiftheywere stalkingdeer," saysMr.Russell.Therewas "continuousmusketry fire,steadyandfatalontheoneside,wildandineffectualontheother."TheBoersreachedthetop,andbegantoputintheirruinouswork.PresentlytheBritish"brokeandfledfortheirlivesdowntheruggedsteep."TheBoershadwonthebattle.Result in killed andwounded, including among the killed theBritishGeneral:Britishloss,226,outof400engaged.Boerloss,1killed,5wounded.That ended the war. England listened to reason, and recognized the BoerRepublic—a government which has never been in any really awful dangersince, until Jameson started after it with his 500 "raw young fellows." Torecapitulate:The Boer farmers and British soldiers fought 4 battles, and the Boers wonthemall.Resultofthe4,inkilledandwounded:Britishloss,700men.Boerloss,sofarasknown,23men.It is interesting, now, to note how loyally Jameson and his several trainedBritishmilitaryofficers triedtomaketheirbattlesconformtoprecedent.Mr.Garrett's accountof theRaid ismuch thebestone Ihavemetwith, andmyimpressionsoftheRaidaredrawnfromthat.When Jameson learned that near Krugersdorp he would find 800 Boerswaiting to dispute his passage, he was not in the least disturbed. He wasfeeling as he had felt two or three days before, when he had opened hiscampaignwithahistoricremarktothesamepurportastheonewithwhichthecommander of the 94th had opened the Boer-British war of fourteen yearsbefore.ThatCommander'sremarkwas,thattheBoers"wouldturntailatthefirstbeatofthebigdrum."Jameson'swas,thatwithhis"rawyoungfellows"he could kick the (persons) of theBoers "all round theTransvaal."Hewaskeepingclosetohistoricprecedent.

JamesonarrivedinthepresenceoftheBoers.They—accordingtoprecedent—were not visible. It was a country of ridges, depressions, rocks, ditches,moraines of mining-tailings—not even as favorable for cavalry work asLaing'sNekhadbeenintheformerdisastrousdays.Jamesonshotattheridgesandrockswithhisartillery, justasGeneralColleyhaddoneat theNek;anddid themnodamage andpersuadednoBoer to showhimself.Then about ahundred of his men formed up to charge the ridge-according to the 58th'sprecedent at theNek;but as theydashed forward theyopenedout in a longline,whichwasaconsiderableimprovementonthe58th's tactics;whentheyhadgottentowithin200yardsoftheridgetheconcealedBoersopenedoutonthem and emptied 20 saddles. The unwounded dismounted and fired at therocksoverthebacksoftheirhorses;butthereturn-firewastoohot,andtheymountedagain,"andgallopedbackorcrawledawayintoaclumpofreedsforcover,where theywere shortly afterward takenprisoners as they lay amongthe reeds. Some thirty prisonerswere so taken, and during the nightwhichfollowed the Boers carried away another thirty killed and wounded—thewounded to Krugersdorp hospital. "Sixty per cent. of the assaulted forcedisposedof"—accordingtoMr.Garrett'sestimate.ItwasaccordingtoAmajubaprecedent,wheretheBritishlosswas226outofabout400engaged.Also,inJameson'scamp,thatnight,"therelayabout30woundedorotherwisedisabled" men. Also during the night "some 30 or 40 young fellows gotseparated from the command and straggled through into Johannesburg."Altogether a possible 150 men gone, out of his 530. His lads had foughtvalorously, but had not been able to get near enough to aBoer to kick himaroundtheTransvaal.At dawn the next morning the column of something short of 400 whitesresumeditsmarch.Jameson'sgritwasstubbornlygood;indeed,itwasalwaysthat. He still had hopes. There was a long and tedious zigzagging marchthroughbrokenground,withconstantharassmentfromtheBoers;andat lastthe column "walked into a sort of trap," and theBoers "closed in upon it.""Men and horses dropped on all sides. In the column the feeling grew thatunlessitcouldburstthroughtheBoerlinesatthispointitwasdonefor.TheMaxims were fired until they grew too hot, and, water failing for the cooljacket,fiveofthemjammedandwentoutofaction.The7-pounderwasfireduntilonlyhalfanhour'sammunitionwas left tofirewith.One last rushwasmade,andfailed,andthentheStaatsArtillerycameupontheleftflank,andthegamewasup."Jamesonhoistedawhiteflagandsurrendered.Thereisastory,whichmaynotbetrue,aboutanignorantBoerfarmertherewhothoughtthatthiswhiteflagwasthenationalflagofEngland.Hehadbeen

atBronkhorst,andLaing'sNek,andIngogoandAmajuba,andsupposedthattheEnglishdidnotrunuptheirflagexceptingattheendofafight.Thefollowingis(asIunderstandit)Mr.Garrett'sestimateofJameson'stotallossinkilledandwoundedforthetwodays:"Whentheygaveintheywereminussome20percent.ofcombatants.Therewere76casualties.Therewere30menhurtorsickinthewagons.Therewere27killedonthespotormortallywounded."Total,133,outoftheoriginal530.Itisjust25percent.—[However,Ijudgethat the total was really 150; for the number of wounded carried toKrugersdorphospitalwas53;not30,asMr.Garrettreportsit.TheladywhoseguestIwasinKrugersdorpgavemethefigures.Shewasheadnursefromthebeginningofhostilities(Jan.1)untiltheprofessionalnursesarrived,Jan.8th.Of the53, "Threeor fourwereBoers"; I quoteherwords.]—This is a largeimprovement upon the precedents established at Bronkhorst, Laing's Nek,Ingogo,andAmajuba,andseemstoindicatethatBoermarksmanshipisnotsogoodnowas itwas in thosedays.But there isonedetail inwhichtheRaid-episodeexactlyrepeatshistory.BysurrenderatBronkhorst,thewholeBritishforce disappeared from the theater ofwar; thiswas the casewith Jameson'sforce.IntheBoerloss,also,historicalprecedentisfollowedwithsufficientfidelity.Inthe4battlesnamedabove,theBoerloss,sofarasknown,wasanaverageof6menperbattle,totheBritishaveragelossof175.InJameson'sbattles,asperBoerofficialreport,theBoerlossinkilledwas4.Twoofthesewerekilledby theBoers themselves, by accident, the other by Jameson's army—oneofthemintentionally, theotherbyapatheticmischance."AyoungBoernamedJacobzwasmoving forward togive adrink tooneof thewounded troopers(Jameson's)after thefirstcharge,whenanotherwoundedman,mistakinghisintention; shot him." There were three or four wounded Boers in theKrugersdorp hospital, and apparently no others have been reported. Mr.Garrett, "onabalanceofprobabilities, fullyaccepts theofficialversion,andthanksHeaventhekilledwasnotlarger."Asamilitaryman,Iwishtopointoutwhatseemstometobemilitaryerrorsin theconductof thecampaignwhichwehave justbeenconsidering. Ihaveseen active service in the field, and it was in the actualities of war that Iacquired my training and my right to speak. I served two weeks in thebeginningofourCivilWar,andduringallthattimecommandedabatteryofinfantry composed of twelve men. General Grant knew the history of mycampaign, for I told it him. I also told him the principle uponwhich I hadconductedit;whichwas, totiretheenemy.I tiredoutanddisqualifiedmanybattalions,yetneverhadacasualtymyselfnorlostaman.GeneralGrantwasnotgiventopayingcompliments,yethesaidfrankly that if Ihadconducted

thewholewarmuch bloodshedwould have been spared, and that what thearmymight have lost through the inspiriting results of collision in the fieldwould have been amply made up by the liberalizing influences of travel.Furtherendorsementdoesnotseemtometobenecessary.Letusnowexaminehistory,andseewhatitteaches.Inthe4battlesfoughtin1881andthetwofoughtbyJameson,theBritishlossinkilled,wounded,andprisoners, was substantially 1,300 men; the Boer loss, as far as isascertainable,wasabout30men.Thesefiguresshowthat therewasadefectsomewhere.Itwasnotintheabsenceofcourage.Ithinkitlayintheabsenceofdiscretion.TheBritonshouldhavedoneone thingor theother:discardedBritishmethods and fought the Boer with Boermethods, or augmented hisownforceuntil—usingBritishmethods—itshouldbelargeenoughtoequalizeresultswiththeBoer.To retain the British method requires certain things, determinable byarithmetic.If,forargument'ssake,weallowthattheaggregateof1,716Britishsoldiersengagedinthe4earlybattleswasopposedbythesameaggregateofBoers, we have this result: the British loss of 700 and the Boer loss of 23argues that in order to equalize results in future battles youmustmake theBritish force thirty timesasstrongas theBoer force.Mr.Garrett shows thatthe Boer force immediately opposed to Jameson was 2,000, and that therewere6,000moreonhandbytheeveningofthesecondday.Arithmeticshowsthat inorder tomakehimself the equal of the8,000Boers, Jameson shouldhave had 240,000 men, whereas he merely had 530 boys. From a militarypointofview,backedbythefactsofhistory,IconceivethatJameson'smilitaryjudgmentwasatfault.Another thing.—Jameson was encumbered by artillery, ammunition, andrifles. The facts of the battle show that he should have had none of thosethingsalong.Theywereheavy,theywereinhisway,theyimpededhismarch.Therewasnothingtoshootatbutrocks—heknewquitewellthattherewouldbenothingtoshootatbutrocks—andheknewthatartilleryandrifleshavenoeffect upon rocks. He was badly overloaded with unessentials. He had 8Maxims—a Maxim is a kind of Gatling, I believe, and shoots about 500bullets perminute; he had one 12 1/2-pounder cannon and two 7-pounders;also,145,000roundsofammunition.HeworkedtheMaximssohardupontherocksthatfiveofthembecamedisabled—fiveoftheMaxims,nottherocks.Itisbelievedthatupwardsof100,000roundsofammunitionofthevariouskindswerefiredduringthe21hoursthatthebattleslasted.Onemankilled.Hemusthavebeenmuchmutilated. Itwasapity tobring thosefutileMaximsalong.JamesonshouldhavefurnishedhimselfwithabatteryofPudd'nheadWilsonmaxims instead.Theyaremuchmoredeadly than thoseothers,and theyareeasilycarried,becausetheyhavenoweight.

Mr.Garrett—notverycarefullyconcealingasmile—excuses thepresenceoftheMaxims by saying that they were of very substantial use because theirsputteringdisorderedtheaimoftheBoers,andinthatwaysavedlives.Three cannon, eightMaxims, and five hundred rifles yielded a resultwhichemphasizedafactwhichhadalreadybeenestablished—thattheBritishsystemofstandingoutintheopentofightBoerswhoarebehindrocksisnotwise,notexcusable,andoughttobeabandonedforsomethingmoreefficacious.Forthepurposeofwaristokill,notmerelytowasteammunition.IfIcouldgetthemanagementofoneofthosecampaigns,Iwouldknowwhattodo,forIhavestudiedtheBoer.HevaluestheBibleaboveeveryotherthing.ThemostdeliciousedibleinSouthAfricais"biltong."Youwillhaveseenitmentioned inOlive Schreiner's books. It iswhat our plainsmen call "jerkedbeef."ItistheBoer'smainstandby.Hehasapassionforit,andheisright.If I had the command of the campaign I would go with rifles only, nocumbersome Maxims and cannon to spoil good rocks with. I would movesurreptitiously by night to a point about a quarter of a mile from the Boercamp, and there Iwouldbuildup apyramidofbiltongandBibles fifty feethigh,andthenconcealmymenallabout.InthemorningtheBoerswouldsendoutspies,andthentherestwouldcomewitharush.Iwouldsurroundthem,and they would have to fight my men on equal terms, in the open. Therewouldn'tbeanyAmajubaresults.—[Just as I am finishing this book an unfortunate dispute has sprung upbetweenDr.Jamesonandhisofficers,on theonehand,andColonelRhodeson the other, concerning thewording of a note which Colonel Rhodes sentfromJohannesburgbyacyclisttoJamesonjustbeforehostilitiesbeganonthememorableNewYear'sDay.Someofthefragmentsofthisnotewerefoundonthebattlefieldafterthefight,andthesehavebeenpiecedtogether;thedisputeis as towhatwords the lacking fragments contained. Jameson says thenotepromised him a reinforcement of 300 men from Johannesburg. ColonelRhodesdeniesthis,andsayshemerelypromisedtosendout"some"men"tomeetyou."][Itseemsapity that thesefriendsshouldfalloutoversolittlea thing.If the300hadbeensent,whatgoodwouldithavedone?In21hoursofindustriousfighting,Jameson's530men,with8Maxims,3cannon,and145,000roundsofammunition, killed an aggregate of 1 Boer. These statistics show that areinforcement of 300 Johannesburgers, armed merely with muskets, wouldhavekilled,attheoutside,onlyalittleoverahalfofanotherBoer.Thiswouldnothavesavedtheday.Itwouldnotevenhaveseriouslyaffectedthegeneralresult.Thefiguresshowclearly,andwithmathematicalviolence,thattheonlyway to save Jameson, or even give him a fair and equal chance with theenemy, was for Johannesburg to send him 240 Maxims, 90 cannon, 600

carloadsofammunition,and240,000men.Johannesburgwasnotinapositiontodothis.JohannesburghasbeencalledveryhardnamesfornotreinforcingJameson.Butineveryinstancethishasbeendonebytwoclassesofpersons—people who do not read history, and people, like Jameson, who do notunderstandwhatitmeans,aftertheyhavereadit.]

CHAPTERLXVIII.

None of us can have as many virtues as the fountain-pen, or half itscussedness;butwecantry.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.TheDukeofFifehasbornetestimonythatMr.Rhodesdeceivedhim.ThatisalsowhatMr.RhodesdidwiththeReformers.Hegotthemintotrouble,andthenstayedouthimself.Ajudiciousman.Hehasalwaysbeenthat.Astothistherewasamomentofdoubt,once.Itwaswhenhewasoutonhislastpiratingexpedition in theMatabele country.The cable shoutedout that he hadgoneunarmed,tovisitapartyofhostilechiefs.Itwastrue,too;andthisdare-devilthingcamenearfetchinganotherindiscretionoutofthepoetlaureate.Itwouldhavebeentoobad,forwhenthefactswereallin,itturnedoutthattherewasaladyalong,too,andshealsowasunarmed.IntheopinionofmanypeopleMr.RhodesisSouthAfrica;othersthinkheisonlyalargepartofit.TheselatterconsiderthatSouthAfricaconsistsofTableMountain, the diamond mines, the Johannesburg gold fields, and CecilRhodes.Thegoldfieldsarewonderful ineveryway. Insevenoreightyearstheybuiltup, inadesert, acityofahundred thousand inhabitants,countingwhiteandblacktogether;andnottheordinaryminingcityofwoodenshanties,butacitymadeoutoflastingmaterial.Nowhereintheworldistheresuchaconcentration of richmines as at Johannesburg.Mr.Bonamici,mymanagerthere,gavemeasmallgoldbrickwithsomestatisticsengraveduponitwhichrecord the output of gold from the early days to July, 1895, and exhibit thestrideswhichhavebeenmadeinthedevelopmentoftheindustry;in1888theoutputwas$4,162,440;theoutputofthenextfiveandahalfyearswas(total)$17,585,894);forthesingleyearendingwithJune,1895,itwas$45,553,700.The capitalwhich has developed themines came fromEngland, theminingengineersfromAmerica.Thisisthecasewiththediamondminesalso.SouthAfricaseemstobetheheavenoftheAmericanscientificminingengineer.Hegetsthechoicestplaces,andkeepsthem.HissalaryisnotbaseduponwhathewouldgetinAmerica,butapparentlyuponwhatawholefamilyofhimwouldgetthere.

The successful mines pay great dividends, yet the rock is not rich, from aCalifornian point of view. Rockwhich yields ten or twelve dollars a ton isconsideredplentyrichenough.Itistroubledwithbasemetalstosuchadegreethat twentyyearsagoitwouldhavebeenonlyabouthalfasvaluableas it isnow;foratthattimetherewasnopayingwayofgettinganythingoutofsuchrock but the coarser-grained "free" gold; but the new cyanide process haschangedallthat,andthegoldfieldsoftheworldnowdeliverupfiftymilliondollars' worth of gold per yearwhichwould have gone into the tailing-pileundertheformerconditions.Thecyanideprocesswasnewtome,andfullofinterest;andamongthecostlyandelaborateminingmachinerytherewerefinethingswhichwerenewtome,but I was already familiar with the rest of the details of the gold-miningindustry. Ihadbeenagoldminermyself, inmyday,andknewsubstantiallyeverythingthatthosepeopleknewaboutit,excepthowtomakemoneyatit.ButIlearnedagooddealabouttheBoersthere,andthatwasafreshsubject.What I heard there was afterwards repeated to me in other parts of SouthAfrica. Summed up—according to the information thus gained—this is theBoer:Heisdeeplyreligious,profoundlyignorant,dull,obstinate,bigoted,uncleanlyinhishabits,hospitable,honestinhisdealingswiththewhites,ahardmastertohisblackservant,lazy,agoodshot,goodhorseman,addictedtothechase,alover of political independence, a good husband and father, not fond ofherdingtogetherintowns,butlikingtheseclusionandremotenessandsolitudeandemptyvastnessandsilenceoftheveldt;amanofamightyappetite,andnot delicate about what he appeases it with—well-satisfied with pork andIndiancornandbiltong, requiringonly that thequantityshallnotbestinted;willing to ride a long journey to take a hand in a rude all-night danceinterspersed with vigorous feeding and boisterous jollity, but ready to ridetwiceasfarforaprayer-meeting;proudofhisDutchandHuguenotoriginandits religious andmilitary history; proud of his race's achievements in SouthAfrica, its bold plunges into hostile and uncharted deserts in search of freesolitudesunvexedbythepesteringanddetestedEnglish,alsoitsvictoriesoverthenativesandtheBritish;proudestofall,ofthedirectandeffusivepersonalinterest which theDeity has always taken in its affairs. He cannot read, hecannotwrite;hehasoneortwonewspapers,butheis,apparently,notawareofit;untillatterlyhehadnoschools,andtaughthischildrennothing,newsisatermwhichhasnomeaningtohim,andthethingitselfhecaresnothingabout.Hehatestobetaxedandresentsit.HehasstoodstockstillinSouthAfricafortwocenturiesandahalf,andwouldliketostandstilltilltheendoftime,forhe has no sympathywithUitlander notions of progress.He is hungry to berich, forhe ishuman;buthispreferencehasbeenfor riches incattle,not infine clothes and fine houses and gold and diamonds. The gold and the

diamonds have brought the godless stranger within his gates, alsocontamination and broken repose, and he wishes that they had never beendiscovered.IthinkthatthebulkofthosedetailscanbefoundinOliveSchreiner'sbooks,andshewouldnotbeaccusedofsketchingtheBoer'sportraitwithanunfairhand.Nowwhatwouldyouexpectfromthatunpromisingmaterial?Whatoughtyouto expect from it? Laws inimical to religious liberty? Yes. Laws denying,representation and suffrage to the intruder? Yes. Laws unfriendly toeducational institutions? Yes. Laws obstructive of gold production? Yes.Discouragementofrailwayexpansion?Yes.LawsheavilytaxingtheintruderandoverlookingtheBoer?Yes.TheUitlanderseemstohaveexpectedsomethingverydifferentfromallthat.Idonotknowwhy.Nothingdifferentfromitwasrationallytobeexpected.Aroundmancannotbeexpectedtofitasquareholerightaway.Hemusthavetime to modify his shape. The modification had begun in a detail or two,beforetheRaid,andwasmakingsomeprogress.Ithasmadefurtherprogresssince.TherearewisemenintheBoergovernment,andthataccountsforthemodification;themodificationoftheBoermasshasprobablynotbegunyet.Ifthe heads of theBoer government had not beenwisemen theywould havehanged Jameson, and thus turned a very commonplace pirate into a holymartyr.Buteventheirwisdomhasitslimits,andtheywillhangMr.Rhodesiftheyevercatchhim.Thatwillroundhimandcompletehimandmakehimasaint. He has already been called by all other titles that symbolize humangrandeur,andheoughttorisetothisone,thegrandestofall.Itwillbeadizzyjump from where he is now, but that is nothing, it will land him in goodcompanyandbeapleasantchangeforhim.Someof the things demandedby the Johannesburgers'Manifesto have beenconceded since the days of theRaid, and the otherswill follow in time, nodoubt. It was most fortunate for the miners of Johannesburg that the taxeswhichdistressedthemsomuchwereleviedbytheBoergovernment, insteadof by their friend Rhodes and his Chartered Company of highwaymen, fortheselattertakehalfofwhatevertheirminingvictimsfind,theydonotstopatamere percentage. If the Johannesburgminerswere under their jurisdictiontheywouldbeinthepoorhouseintwelvemonths.IhavebeenundertheimpressionallalongthatIhadanunpleasantparagraphabout theBoerssomewhere inmynotebook,andalsoapleasantone. Ihavefoundthemnow.Theunpleasantoneisdatedataninteriorvillage,andsays—"Mr.Z.called.HeisanEnglishAfrikander;isanoldresident,andhasaBoerwife.Hespeaksthelanguage,andhisprofessionalbusinessiswiththeBoers

exclusively.He toldme that theancientBoer families in thegreat regionofwhichthisvillageisthecommercialcenterarefallingvictimstotheirinheritedindolenceanddullnessinthematerialisticlatter-dayraceandstruggle,andaredroppingonebyoneintothegripoftheusurer—gettinghopelesslyindebt—andare losing their highplace and retiring to second and lower.TheBoer'sfarmdoesnotgo toanotherBoerwhenhe loses it,but toa foreigner.Somehavefallensolowthattheyselltheirdaughterstotheblacks."UnderdateofanotherSouthAfricantownIfindthenotewhichiscreditabletotheBoers:"Dr.X.toldmethatintheKafirwar1,500Kafirstookrefugeinagreatcaveinthemountainsabout90milesnorthofJohannesburg,andtheBoersblockeduptheentranceandsmokedthemtodeath.Dr.X.hasbeeninthereandseenthe great array of bleached skeletons—one awomanwith the skeleton of achildhuggedtoherbreast."Thegreatbulkofthesavagesmustgo.Thewhitemanwantstheirlands,andallmustgoexceptingsuchpercentageofthemashewillneedtodohisworkforhimupon terms tobedeterminedbyhimself.Sincehistoryhas removedtheelementofguessworkfromthismatterandmadeitcertainty,thehumanestwayofdiminishingtheblackpopulationshouldbeadopted,nottheoldcruelwaysofthepast.Mr.Rhodesandhisganghavebeenfollowingtheoldways.—They are chartered to rob and slay, and they lawfully do it, but not in acompassionateandChristianspirit.TheyrobtheMashonasandtheMatabelesofaportionof their territories in thehallowedoldstyleof"purchase!" forasong,andthentheyforceaquarrelandtaketherestbythestronghand.Theyrobthenativesoftheircattleunderthepretextthatallthecattleinthecountrybelonged to the king whom they have tricked and assassinated. They issue"regulations"requiringtheincensedandharassednativestoworkforthewhitesettlers, andneglect theirownaffairs todo it.This is slavery,and is severaltimesworse thanwas theAmerican slaverywhich used to painEngland somuch; for when this Rhodesian slave is sick, super-annuated, or otherwisedisabled,hemustsupporthimselforstarve—hismasterisundernoobligationtosupporthim.ThereductionofthepopulationbyRhodesianmethodstothedesiredlimitisareturntotheold-timeslow-miseryandlingering-deathsystemofadiscreditedtimeandacrude"civilization."Wehumanelyreduceanoverplusofdogsbyswiftchloroform;theBoerhumanelyreducedanoverplusofblacksbyswiftsuffocation; the nameless but right-hearted Australian pioneer humanelyreduced his overplus of aboriginal neighbors by a sweetened swift deathconcealed in a poisoned pudding. All these are admirable, and worthy ofpraise;youandIwouldrathersuffereitherofthesedeathsthirtytimesoverinthirtysuccessivedaysthanlingeroutoneoftheRhodesiantwenty-yeardeaths,

withitsdailyburdenofinsult,humiliation,andforcedlaborforamanwhoseentireracethevictimhates.Rhodesiaisahappynameforthatlandofpiracyandpillage,andputstherightstainuponit.Several long journeys—gave us experience of the Cape Colony railways;easy-riding,finecars;alltheconveniences;thoroughcleanliness;comfortablebedsfurnishedforthenighttrains.ItwasinthefirstdaysofJune,andwinter;thedaytimewaspleasant,thenighttimeniceandcold.Spinningalongalldayinthecarsitwasecstasytobreathethebracingairandgazeoutoverthevastbrownsolitudesof thevelvetplains, soft and lovelynearby, still softer andlovelierfurtheraway,softestandloveliestofallintheremotedistances,wheredim island-hills seemed afloat, as in a sea—a seamade of dream-stuff andflushedwithcolorsfaintandrich;anddearme,thedepthofthesky,andthebeauty of the strange new cloud-forms, and the glory of the sunshine, thelavishness, thewastefulnessof it!Thevigorandfreshnessandinspirationoftheairandthesun—well,itwasalljustasOliveSchreinerhadmadeitinherbooks.Tome the veldt, in its soberwinter garb,was surpassingly beautiful. Therewere unlevel stretches where it was rolling and swelling, and rising andsubsiding,andsweepingsuperblyonandon,andstillonandonlikeanocean,towardthefarawayhorizon,itspalebrowndeepeningbydelicatelygraduatedshades to rich orange, and finally to purple and crimson where it washedagainstthewoodedhillsandnakedredcragsatthebaseofthesky.Everywhere, from Cape Town to Kimberley and from Kimberley to PortElizabethandEastLondon,thetownswerewellpopulatedwithtamedblacks;tamed andChristianized too, I suppose, for theywore the dowdy clothes ofour Christian civilization. But for that, many of them would have beenremarkably handsome. These fiendish clothes, together with the properlounging gait, good-natured face, happy air, and easy laugh, made themprecisecounterpartsofourAmericanblacks;oftenwherealltheotheraspectswere strikingly and harmoniously and thrillingly African, a flock of thesenativeswouldintrude,lookingwhollyoutofplace,andspoilitall,makingthethingagratingdiscord,halfAfricanandhalfAmerican.OneSundayinKingWilliam'sTownascoreofcoloredwomencamemincingacross thegreatbarren squaredressed—oh, in the lastperfectionof fashion,andnewness,andexpensiveness,andshowymixtureofunrelatedcolors,—alljustasIhadseenitsooftenathome;andintheirfacesandtheirgaitwasthatlanguishing,aristocratic,divinedelightintheirfinerywhichwassofamiliartome,andhadalwaysbeensuchasatisfactiontomyeyeandmyheart.Iseemedamong old, old friends; friends of fifty years, and I stopped and cordiallygreeted them.Theybroke into a good-fellowship laugh, flashing theirwhiteteethuponme,andallansweredatonce.Ididnotunderstandawordtheysaid.

Iwasastonished;IwasnotdreamingthattheywouldanswerinanythingbutAmerican.The voices, too, of the African women, were familiar to me sweet andmusical, just like those of the slavewomen ofmy early days. I followed acouple of them all over the Orange Free State—no, over its capital—Bloemfontein,toheartheirliquidvoicesandthehappyrippleoftheirlaughter.TheirlanguagewasalargeimprovementuponAmerican.AlsoupontheZulu.It had no Zulu clicks in it; and it seemed to have no angles or corners, noroughness,noviles'sorotherhissingsounds,butwasvery,verymellowandroundedandflowing.Inmoving about the country in the trains, I had opportunity to see a goodmanyBoersof theveldt.Onedayatavillagestationahundredof themgotoutofthethird-classcarstofeed.Theirclotheswereveryinteresting.Foruglinessofshapes,andformiraclesofugly colors inharmoniously associated, they were a record. The effect wasnearly as exciting and interesting as that produced by the brilliant andbeautiful clothes and perfect taste always on view at the Indian railwaystations.Oneman had corduroy trousers of a faded chewing gum tint.Andthey were new—showing that this tint did not come by calamity, but wasintentional; theveryugliestcolorIhaveeverseen.Agaunt,shacklycountryloutsixfeethigh,inbatteredgrayslouchedhatwithwidebrim,andoldresin-colored breeches, had on a hideous brand-new woolen coat which wasimitationtigerskin—wavybroadstripesofdazzlingyellowanddeepbrown.Ithought he ought to be hanged, and asked the station-master if it could bearranged.Hesaidno;andnotonlythat,butsaiditrudely;saiditwithaquiteunnecessaryshowof feeling.Thenhemutteredsomethingaboutmybeingajackass,andwalkedawayandpointedmeouttopeople,anddideverythinghecouldtoturnpublicsentimentagainstme.Itiswhatonegetsfortryingtodogood.InthetrainthatdayapassengertoldmesomemoreaboutBoerlifeoutinthelonelyveldt.HesaidtheBoergetsupearlyandsetshis"niggers"attheirtasks(pasturing the cattle, and watching them); eats, smokes, drowses, sleeps;towardeveningsuperintendsthemilking,etc.;eats,smokes,drowses;goestobedatearlycandlelightinthefragrantclotheshe(andshe)havewornalldayandeveryweek-dayforyears.Irememberthatlastdetail,inOliveSchreiner's"Storyof anAfricanFarm."And thepassenger toldme that theBoerswerejustlynotedfortheirhospitality.Hetoldmeastoryaboutit.Hesaidthathisgrace the Bishop of a certain See was once making a business-progressthrough the tavernless veldt, and one night he stopped with a Boer; aftersupperwas shown tobed;heundressed,wearyandwornout, andwas soonsound asleep; in the night hewoke up feeling crowded and suffocated, and

foundtheoldBoerandhisfatwifeinbedwithhim,oneoneachside,withalltheir clotheson, and snoring.Hehad to stay there and stand it—awake andsuffering—until toward dawn, when sleep again fell upon him for an hour.Thenhewokeagain.TheBoerwasgone,butthewifewasstillathisside.Those Reformers detested that Boer prison; theywere not used to crampedquartersandtedioushours,andwearyidleness,andearlytobed,andlimitedmovement, andarbitraryand irritating rules, and theabsenceof the luxurieswhichwealthcomfortsthedayandthenightwith.Theconfinementtoldupontheirbodiesandtheirspirits;still,theyweresuperiormen,andtheymadethebest that was to be made of the circumstances. Their wives smuggleddelicaciestothem,whichhelpedtosmooththewaydownfortheprisonfare.InthetrainMr.B.toldmethattheBoerjail-guardstreatedtheblackprisoners—even political ones—mercilessly. AnAfrican chief and his following hadbeenkept there ninemonthswithout trial, andduring all that time theyhadbeenwithoutshelterfromrainandsun.Hesaidthatonedaytheguardsputabigblackinthestocksfordashinghissoupontheground;theystretchedhislegspainfullywideapart,andsethimwithhisbackdownhill;hecouldnotendure it, and put back his hands upon the slope for a support. The guardorderedhimtowithdrawthesupportandkickedhimintheback."Then,"saidMr. B., "'the powerful blackwrenched the stocks asunder andwent for theguard;aReformprisonerpulledhimoff,andthrashedtheguardhimself."

CHAPTERLXIX.

Theveryinkwithwhichallhistoryiswrittenismerelyfluidprejudice.—Pudd'nheadWilsons'sNewCalendarThereisn'taParallelofLatitudebutthinksitwouldhavebeentheEquatorifithadhaditsrights.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.NexttoMr.Rhodes,tomethemostinterestingconvulsionofnatureinSouthAfricawasthediamond-crater.TheRandgoldfieldsareastupendousmarvel,and theymake all other gold fields small, but Iwas not a stranger to gold-mining;theveldtwasanoblethingtosee,butitwasonlyanotherandloveliervarietyofourGreatPlains;thenativeswereveryfarfrombeinguninteresting,but theywerenotnew;andasfor the towns,IcouldfindmywaywithoutaguidethroughthemostofthembecauseIhadlearnedthestreets,underothernames, in towns just like them in other lands; but the diamondminewas awhollyfreshthing,asplendidandabsorbingnovelty.Veryfewpeopleintheworldhaveseenthediamondinitshome.Ithasbutthreeorfourhomesinthe

world, whereas gold has amillion. It is worth while to journey around theglobe to see anything which can truthfully be called a novelty, and thediamondmineisthegreatestandmostselectandrestrictednoveltywhichtheglobehasinstock.TheKimberleydiamonddepositswerediscoveredabout1869,Ithink.Wheneverything is taken into consideration, the wonder is that they were notdiscoveredfivethousandyearsagoandmadefamiliartotheAfricanworldfortherestoftime.Forthisreasonthefirstdiamondswerefoundonthesurfaceoftheground.Theyweresmoothandlimpid,andinthesunlighttheyvomitedfire. Theywere the very things which an African savage of any era wouldvalueaboveeveryotherthingintheworldexceptingaglassbead.Fortwoorthreecenturieswehavebeenbuyinghislands,hiscattle,hisneighbor,andanyother thing he had for sale, for glass beads and so it is strange that hewasindifferenttothediamonds—forhemusthavepickedthemupmanyandmanyatime.Itwouldnotoccurtohimtotrytosellthemtowhites,ofcourse,sincethewhites already had plenty of glass beads, andmore fashionably shaped,too,thanthese;butonewouldthinkthatthepoorersortofblack,whocouldnot afford real glass, would have been humbly content to decorate himselfwiththeimitation,andthatpresentlythewhitetraderwouldnoticethethings,anddimlysuspect,andcarrysomeofthemhome,andfindoutwhattheywere,andatonceemptyamultitudeoffortune-huntersintoAfrica.Therearemanystrange things in human history; one of the strangest is that the sparklingdiamondslaidtheresolongwithoutexcitinganyone'sinterest.Therevelationcameatlastbyaccident.InaBoer'shutoutinthewidesolitudeoftheplains,atravelingstrangernoticedachildplayingwithabrightobject,andwas told itwasapieceofglasswhichhadbeenfound in theveldt.Thestranger bought it for a trifle and carried it away; and beingwithout honor,madeanotherstrangerbelieveitwasadiamond,andsogot$125outofhimforit,andwasaspleasedwithhimselfasifhehaddonearighteousthing.InParisthewrongedstrangersoldittoapawnshopfor$10,000,whosoldittoacountessfor$90,000,whosoldittoabrewerfor$800,000,whotradedittoaking for a dukedom and a pedigree, and the king "put it up the spout."—Iknowtheseparticularstobecorrect.The news flew around, and the South African diamond-boom began. Theoriginaltraveler—thedishonestone—nowrememberedthathehadonceseenaBoerteamsterchockinghiswagon-wheelonasteepgradewithadiamondaslargeasafootball,andhelaidasidehisoccupationsandstartedouttohuntforit,butnotwith the intentionofcheatinganybodyoutof$125with it, forhehadreformed.Wenowcometomattersmoredidactic.Diamondsarenot imbeddedinrockledgesfiftymileslong,liketheJohannesburggold,butaredistributedthrough

the rubbish of a filled-up well, so to speak. The well is rich, its walls aresharplydefined;outsideofthewallsarenodiamonds.Thewellisacrater,anda largeone.Before ithadbeenmeddledwith, its surfacewasevenwith thelevelplain,andtherewasnosigntosuggestthatitwasthere.ThepasturagecoveringthesurfaceoftheKimberleycraterwassufficientforthesupportofacow,andthepasturageunderneathwassufficientforthesupportofakingdom;butthecowdidnotknowit,andlostherchance.The Kimberley crater is roomy enough to admit the Roman Coliseum; thebottomofthecraterhasnotbeenreached,andnoonecantellhowfardowninthebowelsoftheearthitgoes.Originally,itwasaperpendicularholepackedsolidlyfullofbluerockorcement,andscatteredthroughthatbluemass,likeraisinsinapudding,werethediamonds.Asdeepdownintheearthasthebluestuffextends,sodeepwillthediamondsbefound.Therearethreeorfourothercelebratedcratersnearby—acirclethreemilesindiameterwouldenclosethemall.TheyareownedbytheDeBeersCompany,a consolidation of diamond properties arranged by Mr. Rhodes twelve orfourteenyearsago.TheDeBeersownsothercraters;theyareunderthegrass,buttheDeBeersknowswheretheyare,andwillopenthemsomeday,ifthemarketshouldrequireit.Originally, thediamonddepositswerethepropertyoftheOrangeFreeState;butajudicious"rectification"oftheboundarylineshiftedthemoverintotheBritishterritoryofCapeColony.AhighofficialoftheFreeStatetoldmethatthesumof$400,000washanded tohiscommonwealthasacompromise,orindemnity,orsomethingofthesort,andthathethoughthiscommonwealthdidwiselytotakethemoneyandkeepoutofadispute,sincethepowerwasallontheonesideandtheweaknessallontheother.TheDeBeersCompanydigout$400,000worthofdiamondsperweek,now.TheCapegottheterritory,butnoprofit;forMr.RhodesandtheRothschildsandtheotherDeBeerspeopleownthemines,andtheypaynotaxes.Inourdaytheminesareworkeduponscientificprinciples,undertheguidanceof the ablest mining-engineering talent procurable in America. There areelaborateworksforreducingthebluerockandpassingitthroughoneprocessafter another until every diamond it contains has been hunted down andsecured.Iwatchedthe"concentrators"atworkbigtankscontainingmudandwaterandinvisiblediamonds—andwastoldthateachcouldstirandchurnandproperlytreat300car-loadsofmudperday1,600poundstothecar-load—andreduce it to 3 car-loads of slush. I saw the 3 carloads of slush taken to the"pulsators"andtherereducedtoaquarterofaloadofnicecleandark-coloredsand. Then I followed it to the sorting tables and saw the men deftly andswiftlyspreaditoutandbrushitaboutandseizethediamondsastheyshowedup.Iassisted,andonceIfoundadiamondhalfaslargeasanalmond.Itisan

excitingkindoffishing,andyoufeelafinethrillofpleasureeverytimeyoudetecttheglowofoneofthoselimpidpebblesthroughtheveilofdarksand.Iwould like tospendmySaturdayholidays in thatcharmingsporteverynowandthen.Ofcoursetherearedisappointments.Sometimesyoufindadiamondwhich is not a diamond; it is only a quartz crystal or some suchworthlessthing.Theexpertcangenerallydistinguishitfromthepreciousstonewhichitiscounterfeiting;butifheisindoubthelaysitonaflatironandhitsitwithasledgehammer. If it isadiamond itholds itsown; if it isanythingelse, it isreduced to powder. I liked that experiment very much, and did not tire ofrepetitions of it. It was full of enjoyable apprehensions, unmarred by anypersonal sense of risk. The De Beers concern treats 8,000 carloads—about6,000tons—ofbluerockperday,andtheresultisthreepoundsofdiamonds.Value,uncut,$50,000to$70,000.Aftercutting,theywillweighconsiderablylessthanapound,butwillbeworthfourorfivetimesasmuchastheywerebefore.All the plain around that region is spreadover, a foot deep,withblue rock,placed thereby theCompany,and looks likeaplowed field.Exposure foralengthoftimemaketherockeasiertoworkthanitiswhenitcomesoutofthemine.Ifminingshouldceasenow,thesupplyofrockspreadoverthosefieldswouldfurnishtheusual8,000car-loadsperdaytotheseparatingworksduringthreeyears.Thefieldsarefencedandwatched;andatnighttheyareundertheconstant inspection of lofty electric searchlight. They contain fifty or sixtymilliondollars'worth'ofdiamonds,andthereisanabundanceofenterprisingthievesaround.In thedirtof theKimberley streets there ismuchhiddenwealth.Some timeago the people were granted the privilege of a free wash-up. There was ageneral rush, theworkwas donewith thoroughness, and a good harvest ofdiamondswasgathered.Thedeepminingisdonebynatives.Therearemanyhundredsofthem.Theyliveinquartersbuiltaroundtheinsideofagreatcompound.Theyareajollyand good-natured lot, and accommodating.They performed awar-dance forus,whichwas thewildestexhibition Ihaveeverseen.Theyarenotallowedoutsideofthecompoundduringtheirtermofservicethreemonths,I thinkitis, as a rule.Theygodown the shaft, stand theirwatch, comeupagain, aresearched, and go to bed or to their amusements in the compound; and thisroutinetheyrepeat,dayinanddayout.It is thought that they do not now steal many diamonds successfully. Theyusedtoswallowthem,andfindotherwaysofconcealingthem,butthewhiteman found ways of beating their various games. One man cut his leg andshovedadiamondintothewound,buteventhatprojectdidnotsucceed.Whentheyfindafinelargediamondtheyaremorelikelytoreportitthantostealit,

forintheformercasetheygetareward,andinthelattertheyarequiteapttomerelygetintotrouble.Someyearsago,inaminenotownedbytheDeBeers,ablackfoundwhathasbeenclaimedtobethelargestdiamondknowntotheworld's history; and, as a reward hewas released from service and given ablanket,ahorse,andfivehundreddollars.ItmadehimaVanderbilt.Hecouldbuyfourwives,andhavemoneyleft.Fourwivesareanamplesupportforanative.Withfourwivesheiswhollyindependent,andneedneverdoastrokeofworkagain.Thatgreatdiamondweighs97lcarats.Somesayitisasbigasapieceofalum,otherssayitisaslargeasabiteofrockcandy,butthebestauthoritiesagreethat it is almost exactly the sizeof a chunkof ice.But thosedetails arenotimportant;andinmyopinionnottrustworthy.Ithasaflawinit,otherwiseitwouldbeofincrediblevalue.Asitis,itisheldtobeworth$2,000,000.Aftercuttingitoughttobeworthfrom$5,000,000to$8,000,000,thereforepersonsdesiring to savemoney should buy it now. It is owned by a syndicate, andapparently there is no satisfactory market for it. It is earning nothing; it iseatingitsheadoff.Uptothistimeithasmadenobodyrichbutthenativewhofoundit.Hefoundit inaminewhichwasbeingworkedbycontract.Thatis tosay,acompanyhadboughttheprivilegeoftakingfromthemine5,000,000carloadsofblue-rock,forasumdownandaroyalty.Theirspeculationhadnotpaid;butontheverydaythattheirprivilegeranoutthatnativefoundthe$2,000,000-diamondandhandeditovertothem.Eventhediamondcultureisnotwithoutitsromanticepisodes.TheKoh-i-Noor is a large diamond, and valuable; but it cannot compete inthesematterswith threewhich—according to legend—areamong thecrowntrinketsofPortugalandRussia.Oneoftheseisheldtobeworth$20,000,000;another,$25,000,000,andthethirdsomethingover$28,000,000.Thoseare trulywonderfuldiamonds,whether theyexistornot;andyet theyareofbut little importanceby comparisonwith theonewherewith theBoerwagoner chockedhiswheel on that steepgrade as heretofore referred to. InKimberleyIhadsomeconversationwiththemanwhosawtheBoerdothat—an incidentwhich had occurred twenty-seven or twenty-eight years before Ihadmy talkwith him.He assuredme that that diamond's value could havebeenover a billiondollars, but not under it. I believedhim,becausehehaddevotedtwenty-sevenyearstohuntingforit,andwasinapositiontoknow.AfittingandinterestingfinishtoanexaminationofthetediousandlaboriousandcostlyprocesseswherebythediamondsaregottenoutofthedeepsoftheearthandfreedfromthebasestuffswhichimprisonthemisthevisittotheDeBeersofficesinthetownofKimberley,wheretheresultofeachday'sminingis brought everyday, and,weighed, assorted, valued, anddeposited in safes

against shipping-day. An unknown and unaccredited person cannot get intothatplace;and it seemedapparent fromthegeneroussupplyofwarningandprotectiveandprohibitorysigns thatwerepostedallabout, thatnoteven theknownandaccreditedcanstealdiamondstherewithoutinconvenience.Wesawtheday'soutput—shining littlenestsofdiamonds,distributeda footapart, alonga counter, eachnest reposingupona sheetofwhitepaper.Thatday's catchwas about $70,000worth. In the course of a year half a ton ofdiamondspassunder thescales thereandsleeponthatcounter; theresultingmoneyis$18,000,000or$20,000,000.Profit,about$12,000,000.Young girls were doing the sorting—a nice, clean, dainty, and probablydistressingemployment.Everydayducalincomessiftandsparklethroughthefingersofthoseyounggirls;yettheygotobedatnightaspoorastheywerewhentheygotupinthemorning.Thesamethingnextday,andallthedays.They are beautiful things, those diamonds, in their native state.They are ofvarious shapes; they have flat surfaces, rounded borders, and never a sharpedge.Theyareofallcolorsandshadesofcolor,fromdewdropwhitetoactualblack;and their smoothandroundedsurfacesandcontours,varietyofcolor,and transparent limpidity make them look like piles of assorted candies. Averylightstrawcoloristheircommonesttint.Itseemedtomethattheseuncutgemsmustbemorebeautifulthananycutonescouldbe;butwhenacollectionofcutoneswasbroughtout, I sawmymistake.Nothing is sobeautifulasarose diamond with the light playing through it, except that uncostly thingwhichisjustlikeit—wavysea-waterwiththesunlightplayingthroughitandstrikingawhite-sandbottom.BeforethemiddleofJulywereachedCapeTown,andtheendofourAfricanjourneyings.Andwellsatisfied;for,toweringaboveuswasTableMountain—areminder thatwehadnowseeneachandallof thegreat featuresofSouthAfricaexceptMr.CecilRhodes.Irealizethatthatisalargeexception.Iknowquite well that whetherMr. Rhodes is the lofty and worshipful patriot andstatesmanthatmultitudesbelievehimtobe,orSatancomeagain,astherestofthe world account him, he is still the most imposing figure in the BritishempireoutsideofEngland.Whenhe standson theCapeofGoodHope,hisshadowfallstotheZambesi.HeistheonlycolonialintheBritishdominionswhosegoingsandcomingsarechronicledanddiscussedunderalltheglobe'smeridians, andwhose speeches, unclipped, are cabled from the ends of theearth; and he is the only unroyal outsider whose arrival in London cancompeteforattentionwithaneclipse.Thatheisanextraordinaryman,andnotanaccidentoffortune,notevenhisdearest SouthAfrican enemieswerewilling to deny, so far as I heard themtestify. The whole South African world seemed to stand in a kind ofshudderingaweofhim,friendandenemyalike.Itwasasifheweredeputy-

Godontheoneside,deputy-Satanontheother,proprietorofthepeople,abletomakethemorruinthembyhisbreath,worshipedbymany,hatedbymany,but blasphemedbynone among the judicious, and evenby the indiscreet inguardedwhispersonly.Whatisthesecretofhisformidablesupremacy?Onesaysitishisprodigiouswealth—a wealth whose drippings in salaries and in other ways supportmultitudesandmake themhis interestedand loyalvassals;anothersays it ishis personalmagnetism and his persuasive tongue, and that these hypnotizeandmake happy slaves of all that drift within the circle of their influence;another says it is his majestic ideas, his vast schemes for the territorialaggrandizementofEngland,hispatrioticandunselfishambitiontospreadherbeneficent protection and her just rule over the paganwastes ofAfrica andmakeluminoustheAfricandarknesswiththegloryofhername;andanothersayshewantstheearthandwantsitforhisown,andthatthebeliefthathewillgetitandlethisfriendsinonthegroundflooristhesecretthatrivetssomanyeyesuponhimandkeepshiminthezenithwheretheviewisunobstructed.Onemay take his choice. They are all the same price.One fact is sure: hekeeps his prominence and a vast following, no matter what he does. He"deceives"theDukeofFife—itistheDuke'sword—butthatdoesnotdestroytheDuke'sloyaltytohim.HetrickstheReformersintoimmensetroublewithhis Raid, but the most of them believe he meant well. He weeps over theharshly-taxedJohannesburgersandmakes themhis friends;at thesame timehetaxeshisCharter-settlers50percent.,andsowinstheiraffectionandtheirconfidencethattheyaresquelchedwithdespairateveryrumorthattheCharteristobeannulled.HeraidsandrobsandslaysandenslavestheMatabeleandgetsworldsofCharter-Christianapplauseforit.HehasbeguiledEnglandintobuyingCharterwastepaper forBankofEnglandnotes, ton for ton, and theravishedstillburnincensetohimastheEventualGodofPlenty.Hehasdoneeverythinghecouldthinkoftopullhimselfdowntotheground;hehasdonemore thanenoughtopullsixteencommon-rungreatmendown;yet therehestands, to this day, upon his dizzy summit under the dome of the sky, anapparent permanency, the marvel of the time, the mystery of the age, anArchangelwithwingstohalftheworld,Satanwithatailtotheotherhalf.Iadmirehim,Ifranklyconfessit;andwhenhistimecomesIshallbuyapieceoftheropeforakeepsake.CONCLUSION.Ihavetraveledmorethananyoneelse,andIhavenoticedthateventheangelsspeakEnglishwithanaccent.—Pudd'nheadWilson'sNewCalendar.I sawTableRock, anyway—amajestic pile. It is 3,000 feet high. It is also

17,000feethigh.Thesefiguresmaybereliedupon.IgottheminCapeTownfromthetwobest-informedcitizens,menwhohadmadeTableRockthestudyoftheirlives.AndIsawTableBay,sonamedforitslevelness.IsawtheCastle—builtbytheDutchEastIndiaCompanythreehundredyearsago—wheretheCommandingGenerallives;IsawSt.Simon'sBay,wheretheAdmirallives.Isaw the Government, also the Parliament, where they quarreled in twolanguageswhen Iwas there, and agreed in none. I saw the club. I saw andexplored the beautiful sea-girt drives that wind about the mountains andthrough the paradise where the villas are: Also I saw some of the fine oldDutchmansions, pleasant homes of the early times, pleasant homes to-day,andenjoyedtheprivilegeoftheirhospitalities.AndjustbeforeIsailedIsawinoneofthemaquaintoldpicturewhichwasalink in a curious romance—a picture of a pale, intellectual youngman in apink coat with a high black collar. It was a portrait of Dr. James Barry, amilitarysurgeonwhocameouttotheCapefiftyyearsagowithhisregiment.Hewasawildyoungfellow,andwasguiltyofvariouskindsofmisbehavior.HewasseveraltimesreportedtoheadquartersinEngland,anditwasineachcase expected that orders would come out to deal with him promptly andseverely,butforsomemysteriousreasonnoordersofanykindevercameback—nothing came but just an impressive silence.Thismade him an imposinganduncannywondertothetown.Next, he was promoted—away up. He was made Medical SuperintendentGeneral,andtransferredtoIndia.PresentlyhewasbackattheCapeagainandathisescapadesoncemore.Therewereplentyofprettygirls,butnoneofthemcaughthim,noneofthemcouldgetholdofhisheart;evidentlyhewasnotamarryingman.Andthatwasanothermarvel,anotherpuzzle,andmadenoendofperplexedtalk.Oncehewascalledinthenight,anobstetricservice,todowhathecouldforawomanwhowasbelievedtobedying.Hewaspromptandscientific,andsavedbothmotherandchild.Thereareotherinstancesofrecordwhichtestifytohismastershipofhisprofession;andmanywhichtestifytohisloveofitandhisdevotiontoit.Amongotheradventuresofhiswasaduelofadesperatesort,foughtwithswords,attheCastle.Hekilledhisman.The child heretoforementioned as having been saved byDr. Barry so longago, was named for him, and still lives in Cape Town. He had Dr. Barry'sportraitpainted,andgaveittothegentlemaninwhoseoldDutchhouseIsawit—thequaintfigureinpinkcoatandhighblackcollar.The story seems to be arriving nowhere. But that is because I have notfinished.Dr.Barrydied inCapeTown30years ago. Itwas thendiscoveredthathewasawoman.The legend goes that enquiries—soon silenced—developed the fact that shewas a daughter of a great English house, and that that was why her Cape

wildnesses brought no punishment and got no notice when reported to thegovernmentathome.Hernamewasanalias.Shehaddisgracedherselfwithherpeople;soshechosetochangehernameandhersexandtakeanewstartintheworld.We sailed on the 15th of July in the Norman, a beautiful ship, perfectlyappointed.Thevoyage toEnglandoccupiedashort fortnight,withoutastopexceptatMadeira.Agoodandrestfulvoyagefortiredpeople,andtherewereseveralofus.Iseemedtohavebeenlecturingathousandyears,thoughitwasonlyatwelvemonth,andaconsiderablenumberoftheotherswereReformerswhowerefaggedoutwiththeirfivemonthsofseclusioninthePretoriaprison.OurtriparoundtheearthendedattheSouthamptonpier,whereweembarkedthirteenmonthsbefore.Itseemedafineandlargethingtohaveaccomplished—the circumnavigation of this great globe in that little time, and I wasprivatelyproudofit.Foramoment.Thencameoneofthosevanity-snubbingastronomical reports from theObservatory-people,whereby it appeared thatanothergreatbodyoflighthadlatelyflamedupintheremotenessesofspacewhichwastravelingatagaitwhichwouldenableittodoallthatIhaddoneina minute and a half. Human pride is not worth while; there is alwayssomethinglyinginwaittotakethewindoutofit.

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