First Thing We Do

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    First Thing We Do

    Written By

    Jack Frederick

    2 Kaler Drive

    East Moriches, NY 11940(631-766-7589)

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    A couch and a chair. Doris, anelderly senile woman sits on thechair. She is quite upset. There isa knock.

    DORISYes?

    CHARLES(Off Stage)

    Sorry to disturb you maam but its Charles Herman from thefirm.

    DORIS(Getting up)

    Firm what firm?

    CHARLESHerman, Hogan, and Son maam. Im here to er...

    She lets him in.

    DORISWhat is it?

    CHARLESYes, hello there, hi- Im here to discuss- well I just wantto say Im terribly sorry for your loss. Losing a husband isalways so terrible, especially in these days. And suicide isehm- well...

    DORIS(Sobs)

    CHARLES... terribly unfortunate. Oh dear, are you quite alright...should I come back another time or...

    DORISWhat do you want!

    CHARLESRight- well, you see... you werent at the will reading thisafternoon. And as your husband had no other immediatefamily... what Im trying to say is no one showed up. So Ineed to read you the will you see-

    DORISOf course I didnt come! Hes not dead!

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    CHARLESOh dear. You must be going through very hard times I cansee, they say... denial is...

    DORISWhat denial!?

    CHARLESNo, no, no denial!

    DORISHow can you say my husband is dead? They never found thebody!

    CHARLESYes, but they found the note you see and well- legally he ispronounced dead, so I am legally obligated to read you hiswill.

    DORISYou-

    CHARLESYou may be perfectly right! Hes probably still alivesomewhere! ... Probably! But Ive just got to do thispaperwork you see.

    DORISOh.

    CHARLESYes you see its just formality.

    DORISOh.

    CHARLESI mean me? Personally I think hes kicking somewhere,really! Oh is that his picture there?

    DORISYes.

    Doris picks up the picture notgiving Charles a chance to look atit. She begins to sob in hysterics.

    CHARLESWhat now?

    DORISJust the sight of him! Oh I cant bear it!

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    CHARLESWell maybe we should get done with this as quickly aspossible hm?

    DORISYes... yes. (She wipes her face) Would you like a drink?

    CHARLESNot particularly-

    DORIS(As though completely transfigured.)

    One lump or two?

    CHARLESWell... being I havent specified a beverage of choice itseems somewhat absurd-

    DORIS

    Two then? Well arent you a sweet tooth!

    Doris exits.

    Charles exhales loudly and sitsdown on the couch. He unpacks hisbrief case, but has a hard timegetting comfortable as there seemsto be something wrong with thecouch. He removes the cushion he issitting on to reveal the upper bodyof a man.

    CHARLESJesus Christ!

    DORIS(Offstage)

    What dear?

    Charles heaves the cushion backonto the couch.

    CHARLESNothing! Nothing! So um- Jesus...

    DORISCoffees almost finished dear!

    CHARLESYes- Thank you... Maam Im just wondering- what if yourhusband-

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    DORIS(hysterical)

    What?

    CHARLESNever mind!

    DORISOK.

    Charles takes out his cell phoneand begins to call.

    CHARLES(Into phone)

    Yes, hello, hi, police? Yes, there is a dead body in thiscouch here.

    OLD MAN

    Im not actually dead!

    CHARLES(Into phone)

    Ill call you back.(Puts away phone and pulls up cushion)

    What do you mean your not actually dead?

    OLD MANWhat do you mean what do I mean Im not actually dead. Imnot actually dead!

    CHARLES

    Well Jesus! Everyone thinks your dead! And what are youdoing under the damned couch?

    OLD MANIm spying. Shes got a boyfriend. I been suspecting it formonths and now Im gonna catch her in the act.

    CHARLESShes got a boyfriend?

    OLD MANBeen seeing him for months. Young fellow.

    CHARLESBut shes old... and batty.

    OLD MANHey! Thats my wife youre talking about.

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    CHARLESRight. But shes still batty...

    OLD MANQuick shes coming back- put the cushion back on me.

    CHARLESOh Jesus!

    He puts the cushion back on the manand sits down. Doris enters with acup of coffee and gives a cup toCharles.

    DORISHere you are dear. Now what about this paperwork?

    CHARLESWell... you see on second thought I dont really need any

    papers or anything, so... are you seeing someone?

    DORISWell I never!

    CHARLESNo! No! I didnt mean it like that, what I mean is... wasthere ever someone else in your life besides your husband?

    DORISThe only love for me was darling Harry. The only big blueeyes for me... Harry. The only long flowing white hair- Oh!I would run my hands through it!

    She begins to sob. Charles chugshis coffee and slams it down.

    CHARLESYou dont think I could have more coffee eh?

    DORISWell I suppose. You did drink that rather fast...

    She exits. Charles lifts thecushion again.

    CHARLESWho the hell are you?

    OLD MANIm her husband!

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    CHARLESShe said her husbands got long white hair!

    OLD MANI cut it.

    CHARLES

    She said white!

    OLD MAN... Shes batty!

    CHARLESWell shes your wife I think shed know!

    OLD MANHer being my wife or not doesnt not make her batty!

    CHARLESWell I dont believe you!

    OLD MANWell I dont care- quick shes coming again put the cushionback- Only this time dont go sitting on my face! Sit on theother side- on my legs!

    CHARLESWell I cant go sitting on the other side of the couch nowcan I?

    OLD MANAnd why not?

    CHARLESCause then Id be all the way on the far side of the couchfor no reason!

    OLD MANWhat do you mean no reason! Last time you damn nearsuffocated me!

    CHARLESNo reason to her I mean. Itll be awkward!

    OLD MAN

    Not as awkward as finding a dead guy in the couch cause youwent and suffocated him!

    CHARLESI already found a dead guy- Oh Jesus!

    Doris enters. She watches asCharles puts the cushion back andsits on the far side of the couch.

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    Pause.

    DORISIs there something wrong with my couch?

    CHARLES

    No not at all! Its perfect!

    Doris sits down.

    DORISWhat are you doing all the way over there?

    CHARLESMore comfortable!

    DORISWhy? Is there something wrong with that side?

    CHARLESNo- not at all!

    She goes to touch the cushion, butCharles jumps over to sit on thecushion quickly and roughly.

    CHARLESSee! Nothing wrong!

    DORISAre you alright?

    CHARLESYes! Wonderful! Fine! I just- wait a minute this is allabsurd- playing along like this. Maam I need to show yousomething! Behold!

    He removes the cushion to revealthe Old Man, dead.

    DORISWho is that?

    CHARLESI knew it! Alright chum the games over- get up! Youre surenow right? Its not him. Even if his hair was... I dunno, alittle short and different colored?

    DORISIs that man dead?

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    CHARLESNo- no- Im certain of it I thought he was dead before. Buthe was fake dead, just like hes fake dead now! Cmon now,get up!

    He begins to shake the man angrily.

    The mans limp body jiggles.

    DORISOh, how disgusting! Whats wrong with you!

    She runs out.

    CHARLESHes not actually dead!

    He checks his neck for a pulse.

    CHARLES

    He is dead! Jesus!

    He takes out his phone and callsthe police again.

    CHARLES(Into phone)

    Yes hello- me again, I told you Id call back, now lookabout this body, hes really dead. I checked him andeverything.

    OLD MANYeah- not properly though.

    CHARLES(Into phone)

    Oh hold on again... well give me a second will you!?

    He puts away his phone.

    CHARLESWhats wrong with you!

    OLD MANWhats wrong with you?

    CHARLESI thought you were dead! I checked your pulse andeverything!

    OLD MANYeah- in my shoulder! Whos got a pulse in their shoulder?!

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    CHARLESOh I see.

    OLD MANIts up where the mandible meets the Stylo- Hyoideus. Not inthe shoulder!

    CHARLESOh I see... well... no wait! Who the hell are you!

    OLD MANIm her husband!

    CHARLESOh yeah!? Well Id like to see you tell her that! Sheslooked you straight in your face and couldnt tell it- anddont give me that "shes batty" business. No ones thatbatty!

    OLD MANMaybe she is.

    CHARLESNo! Shes not! Because no one is!

    OLD MANAlright Ill level with you. Im a detective. We suspectthat it wasnt a suicide at all. And instead-

    CHARLESOh what! The old bat killed him? And what then huh? Put hisbody in the couch! Oh!! Thats right brilliant! How bloody

    stupid do you think I am? Who the hell are you?

    OLD MANI dont know- just some guy!

    CHARLESThen what the hell are you doing snooping around in peoplescouches for??

    OLD MANNot peoples couches- just this one!

    CHARLESOh dont play semantics with me! What kind of a creep areyou!?

    Doris enters with a broom.

    DORISNow both of you! Get out of my house!

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    CHARLESGet out of your house? Get out of your house!? I wouldgladly "get out of your house"! I obviously have no businesshere reading a will for a man who is alive in front of me!Oh wait a minute... no- right youre not her husband- so...technically Im still legally obligated to read you this

    will maam...

    DORISGet out! Both of you! Harassing a poor widow like this!

    CHARLESKnow what? Whatever you say! Whatever you god damned say!

    Charles exits.

    OLD MAN(picking up the coffee cup)

    I dont get it. He drank it didnt he?

    DORISFast, too!

    There is a thud offstage.

    OLD MANThere we go! Cmon help me!

    They exits, and reenter withCharles limp, dead body. They restit on the couch. And stand togethersurveying the sight.

    DORISWhere should we put him? In the couch?

    OLD MANNo, no, thats my spot.

    DORISOh right, right, sorry dear.

    OLD MANLets put him in the closet.

    DORISI think the closets full.

    OLD MANWell... Im sure theres more room in the basement.

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    DORISIts worth a try.

    They kiss sweetly and return to thetop and bottom of Charless body,hoisting him up.

    OLD MAN(Straining)

    God damned lawyers...

    DORIS(Also Straining)

    One at a time dear. One at a time.

    CURTAIN.

    "The first thing we do, lets kill all the lawyers."- William Shakespeare (King Henry VI, part II:IV,ii)