A P U B L I C AT I ON O F T H E PA R EN T S ’ C OA L I T I ON O F B AY A R EA H I GH S CHOO L S • O C TO B E R 2 0 1 5

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The annual Parents’ Coalition Teenpanel took place at the JewishCommunity High School onMarch 23, 2015. Twelve teens,mainly juniors and seniors, participated in the forum, whichwas moderated by Martha Rockand Hilary Davis, MFT. A rapt audience of curious parents filledalmost every available seat. Theteens did not disappoint; as usual,their responses during the panelwere thoughtful, honest and fromthe heart. There were several occasions during the eveningwhen a lot of finger snapping tookplace (finger snapping being theaccepted way for the group to express agreement). Below is asummary of the most finger snapping moments from thisyears’ teen panel. Quotes are verbatim.

Communication: “Keep wantingto understand”

The majority of the group agreedthat they want a close relationshipwith their parents and that theyenjoy doing things together. However, they also want parentsto be themselves with their teensrather than following some perceived idea of how theyshould act. They like to hear aboutmistakes that parents made attheir age. In general, they wantparents to be less judgmental, and more willing to listen. Theyadvised parents to stay available,but wait for the child to initiatecommunication. One panelist said,“The people who are in trouble arethose whose parents shut themdown.” Much finger snapping followed.

Finger snapping moments: Highlights from the 2015 teen panel

By Angela Blackwell

(continued on page 2)

Too much reference to future plans is overwhelming;

teens can barely keep up with that they are doing today.

Instead, they said, ask about current school events or

hobbies. One teen’s family sets aside one evening a week

to discuss upcoming plans.

A PUBL ICAT ION OF THE PARENTS ’ COAL IT ION OF BAY AREA H IGH SCHOOLS • OCTOBER 2 0 1 5

(continued from page 1)

Finger snapping moments: Highlights from the 2015 teen panel

School and College: “Focus on how I am now, not my future”

The majority of the group agreed that the “how muchhomework do you have?” question is the single most irritating question asked by parents-- followed closely by questions to their friends about what colleges they are applying to. Too much reference to future plans is overwhelming; teens can barely keep up with that theyare doing today. Instead, they said, ask about currentschool events or hobbies. One teen’s family sets aside one evening a week to discuss upcoming plans.

Awkward conversations: “It’s important to clear things up”

These teens advised parents to bring up the topic of sexand drugs early and often; by 7th grade at the latest.Younger kids, in particular, get a lot of misinformation soit’s important to clear things up. They also pointed outthat, if your child asks about something that concernsyou- underage drinking for example- the question mayjust stem from curiosity, not necessarily from experience.Students were unanimous in support of good health programs at school and the availability of contraceptives.When asked how much sex is happening, students responded some, but usually in monogamous relationshipsand birth control is the norm. Several agreed that it isoften easier to talk about these touchy subjects with otheradults that they are close to, such as the parent of a friend.

Safety, parties, drugs and alcohol: “You don’t want toknow everything”

These teens clearly understoodparents’ concerns about safetyand seemed remarkablysafety-aware themselves. They know, for example, not to accept drinks, to have a plan of escape if theyare in a situation theyfind difficult to handle,and to stick with atrusted friend. They reacted strongly tobeing tracked via theirsmart phones or on social media, at least in highschool. However, they also freelyadmitted that they do lie to parents- most oftenabout where they are and who they are with. Touchingly,most lying was to spare parents worry.

Mistakes and consequences: “Regret is a big punishment”

There was universal agreement that parents’ expectationsneed to be made clear, and be discussed openly. Whenteens make mistakes, the punishment should fit thecrime. Taking away a cell phone was generally seen ascruel and unusual punishment. These teens also feltstrongly that parents should not alert other parents- oreven worse, the school- about perceived misbehavior at a party, primarily because of the consequences for theteen of having “tattle tale” parents. Instead, they said,concerned parents should address the issue directly withthe kids involved.

If you missed last year’s Teen Panel, mark your calendarsnow for next year. The 2016 Teen Panel will be held onMarch 21, 2016, at 7:00 p.m., at the Jewish CommunityHigh School of the Bay, 1835 Ellis St. in San Francisco.

A rapt audience of curious parents

filled almost every available seat. The

teens did not disappoint; as usual, their

responses during the panel were

thoughtful, honest and from the heart.

A PUBL ICAT ION OF THE PARENTS ’ COAL IT ION OF BAY AREA H IGH SCHOOLS • OCTOBER 2 0 1 5

Family stress: it’s not All in Your HeadBy Diana Divecha, Ph.D.

For most of my kids’ childhoods, I felt that my ability toguide my family faced direct competition from school,and many forces beyond. In elementary school, heavybackpacks bent my kids’ soft little backs. Homework intruded into playtime, even though research has shownthat play is important for cognitive and social development.In middle school, more homework and big projects hijackedprecious family weekends--just when my kids neededmore sleep, more time to adjust to their rapidly changingbrains, and more healthy time with friends, and when myhusband and I needed some rest. By high school, thedownward pressure from looming college applicationsthreatened to torque my kids' developmental arc.

“Don’t do anything for a college resume,” I warned.“Make choices because they make sense to you.”

As the tsunami of outside competition flooded toward us,I felt like a little mushroom field trying to filter toxins outof a roaring river. The competition over messaging addedeven more pressure: media was saturated with hyper-sexualized images, dysfunctional interactions, unrealisticproblemsolving, violence, and more. It was hard to stayon top of it all, to teach my kids the difference betweenour values inside our family versus values in the outsideworld. This on top of our own adult pressures to managechildcare, two jobs, meals, paychecks, health care and sickdays, quality time, extended family, and maybe a fewfriends.

Adults are stressed, but our kids are stressed, too. A recentsurvey found that in the United States, teens’ stress hasnow surpassed that of adults. Many young people saythat they are overwhelmed, depressed, and sad because

of the stress that they, themselves, gauge to be unhealthy.And the mental health of teenagers in this country isdeclining over time. Many parents are frantic, reachingfor whatever levers they can put their hands on: hiringtherapists, looking to medications, and trying ancientpractices to calm everyone down. If only we could findthe right key, we parents think, we can unlock the stress,and our child will thrive.

But when the number of kids and families struggling is solarge, we have to start asking questions about the systemsbeyond ourselves. We parents love our children wildly,and ultimately, they're our responsibility. But our abilityto care for them successfully also depends in large parton how the wider culture, policies, and values supportchildrearing.

Diana Divecha, Ph.D. is a developmental psychologistwho writes and speaks about children, teens, and familylife. This article is reprinted with permission from herwebsite at developmentalscience.com.

A recent survey found that in the

United States, teens' stress has now

surpassed that of adults. Many young

people say that they are overwhelmed,

depressed, and sad because of the

stress that they, themselves, gauge to

be unhealthy.

Catch up with us on Facebook!

www.facebook.com/ParentsCoalitionBayArea

“To support, educate,

and inspire parents of

adolescents in order to

promote the health and

safety of our youth.”

the Bay school of

san Francisco

Claudia Roehl

convent of the

sacred Heart

and stuart Hall High

schools

Wynn Burkett

Drew school

Shelly Schaenen

Kathleen Bisaccia

international High

school (iHs)

Tina Schneider

Irina Mirkina

Lick-Wilmerding

High school

Genevieve Anderson

sF University High

school

Megan O’Keefe

Gina Warren

stuart Hall High

school

Kristin Tatham

the Urban school

of sF

Lucy deAnda

Allison Wong

Nancy Bianchman

teen panel

Facilitators

Hilary Davis

Holly Greenberg

Editor

Kathleen Bisaccia

Layout

itp Design

Readers are encouraged to submit

letters to the editor, ideas for articles

or articles themselves.

please direct your inquiries regarding the

coalition to parentscoalition@gmail.com

Contributors

Angela Blackwell\

Diana Divecha, ph.D.

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Upcoming EvEnts

Dec. 7, 2015

How to Raise an independent Adult: over-parenting and its consequences with Julie Lythcott-Haims, author and former Dean of Freshman at Stanford University. Despite the best intentions, the

“help” that parents provide can get in the way of a child’s developmentand, more insidiously, implies a lack of confidence in their ability to getthings done without parental intervention. Lythcott-Haims will suggesthow we can modify our parenting to foster independence, creativity, and

resilience in our young adults.

February 1, 2016

marijuana and teens in 2016 with Danielle Ramo, phD,

UcsF Assistant professor of psychiatry – Are you having

trouble understanding how to address marijuana use with

your teen? Not sure whether use should be considered

recreational, medicinal, harmful, or all three?

march 21, 2016

Annual teen panel discussion.

See www.parentscoalition.net/events for more

details and to purchase tickets in advance.

We look forward to seeing you there, and bring a friend!