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Fine Tuning Your FamilyStrategies for Families of Deaf and Hard-of-Hearing Children
FINE TUNING YOUR FAMILY
•Family Habits•Roles and Rules•Parenting Styles•Dealing with Acts of Resistance•Active Listening Skills•Fair Fighting•Power Struggles
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Let’s get acquainted …
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FINE TUNING YOUR FAMILYStrategies for Families of Deaf and Hard-of-Hearing Children
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7 Habits of Highly Successful Families(Covey Institute)
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7 Habits of Highly Successful Families
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What’s Your Score?
Family Constellations (Alfred Adler)
Is It True What They Say About Birth Order?
• Oldest children are more responsible
• Middle children are shy• Youngest children are
reckless
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Boundaries
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Enmeshed (Diffuse) Boundaries
Child
Parent #2
Child
Parent #1
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Impenetrable (Rigid) Boundaries
Family
Child
Parent #2
Child
Parent #1
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Permeable (Healthy) Boundaries
Child
Parent #2
Child
Parent #1
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Triangulation
Parent #2
Child
Parent #1
Allied Against Parent #1
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Families Roles
FamilyRoles
Hero
Mascot
Scape-goat
LostChild
Über-ResponsibleGreat StudentJr. ParentModel Child
Comic-ReliefPeacemakerCaretakerAverage Student
Problem ChildBlack Sheep of the FamilyResponsible for All Family ProblemsBad Student
The AdjusterAverage StudentOften ForgottenBlends Into The Woodwork
By: Sharon Wegsheider-Cruse
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Traits of Healthy Families
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Issue Description
Roles Clearly defined but fluid, changeable
Responsibilities Clearly defined and understood
Intra-familial communication Information is shared as often as possible and is delivered in age appropriate way
Boundaries Clearly defined but permeable, not rigid or enmeshed
Authority Decisions are made by parents with children free to express their preferences
Family cohesion Affection is shared, “family time” is valued and prioritized
Family secrets Very few secrets are “off limits” to talk about inside the family
Discipline Expectations and consequences are clearly understood and consistent
Parenting Styles From: (Love and Logic, Jim Fay)
Helicopter
DrillSergeant
Best Friend
Consultant
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Are All Behavior Problems Acts of Resistance?
No, not always…
• Developmental Behaviors
• Acts of Resistance
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It all comes down to…
If the motive is the need for self-determination
Act of Resistance17
Does it mean that I just go with the flow?
----- NO -----
• Redirect the resistance
• Continue to set limits
• Hold student accountable
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Does it mean that I give up my control entirely?
----- NO -----
•SHARE control with the child.
•Teach age appropriate self-control
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Does it teach the children that they can always get what they want?
----- NO -----
•Teach how to weigh the costs and benefits of their decisions • Accountable for their decisions
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Great!So where do we start?
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Going with the ResistanceLaying the Foundation…
1. Know yourself and your natural instincts
2. Learn to manage your emotional responses
3. Learn to argue fairly 4. Learn to recognize power
struggles and how to avoid them
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The “Fight or Flight” Response
Stressful Incident
FIGHT - Face the incident, get involvedOrFLIGHT—Avoid the incident
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Someone cuts in line after you have been waiting 20 minutes
What would you do?
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You are discussing a project with a coworker when he/she becomes irate because of a
decision you made.
What would you do?25
Fight or flight responses can affect communication
Know yourself and your natural instincts
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Communication Styles
Passive
Passive-AggressiveWhere on this continuum do you
most often find yourself?
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Going with the ResistanceLaying the Foundation…
1. Know yourself and your natural instincts
2. Learn to manage your emotional responses
3. Learn to argue fairly 4. Learn to recognize power
struggles and how to avoid them
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4 MainEmotions
Glad Sad Mad
DepressedMournful
PessimisticMelancholy
Downtrodden
Scared
HappyElated
HopefulGiddy
Confident
AngryVengefulHurtful
IrateIrritated
WorriedConfusedNervousTerrified
Distrustful
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Mad
AngryVengeful
IrateIrritated
UnreasonableImpatient
Easily Offended
Sad
DepressedMournful
PessimisticMelancholy
Defeated
Scared
WorriedConfusedNervousTerrified
Distrustful
Anger as a Masking Emotion
Glad
HappyElated
HopefulExcited
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PracticeRational Detachment!
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Know Your Buttons
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Tip:Create a Phony Button
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Going with the ResistanceLaying the Foundation…
1. Know yourself and your natural instincts
2. Learn to manage your emotional responses
3. Learn to argue fairly 4. Learn to recognize power
struggles and how to avoid them
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3. Learn to argue fairly
Not even the fastest horse can catch a word spoken in anger.
~Chinese Proverb
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• Results in fewer hurt feelings and less resentment• Focuses on the immediate need• Allows both participants to keep their dignity• Works toward a solution• Respects the feelings and opinions of both parties• Models this behavior for others to follow• Resolves the argument quicker
Benefits of Fair Fighting
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Rules for Fair Fighting1. Argue to resolve, not
to win2. Stay in the here-
and-now 3. Use “I” statements4. Be honest and
accurate! 5. Delineate needs and
wants
6. Use good “active listening” skills
7. Use good “customer service” skills
8. Accept every apology offered
9. Be open to compromise
10. Make good use of time-outs when needed
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1. Argue to resolve, not to winRules for Fair Fighting
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2. Stay in the here-and-nowRules for Fair Fighting
•Avoid bringing up old, unfinished business.
•Avoid jumping ahead to possible negative outcomes.
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3. Use “I” statements, andown your feelings and your needs
Rules for Fair Fighting
“I feel ________ when you _______
and I imagine _______.”
(From: Making Healthy Families by Gayle Peterson, PhD)
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4. Be honest and accurate!
• Stick to the facts
• Don’t exaggerate
Rules for Fair Fighting
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Rules for Fair Fighting
5. Delineate your Needs from your Wants
Needs• Is it practical?• Does it solve the
problem?• Can you both accept
it?
Wants• Is it fair?• Is it a compromise?• Does it meet only one
person’s needs?
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6. Use good “active listening” skillsRules for Fair Fighting
AACES for Active Listening
A= Attitude
A= Acknowledge
C= Clarify
E= Emphasize
S= Summarize
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7. Use quality “customer service” skills
Rules for Fair Fighting
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8. Accept every apology offered
Rules for Fair Fighting
Oops, sorry, dude. My bad.
Accept every apology the way you would want to be forgiven
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9. Be open to compromiseRules for Fair Fighting
When BOTH parties get some or most of what they need out of the mediation.
Win-Win
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10.Make good use of time-outs when needed
Rules for Fair Fighting
TIME-OUT
Everyone needs a good Time-Out to cool down from time to time.
But not this kind of time-out!This Time-Out makes more sense!47
Let’s Practice Fighting Fairly
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Fighting Fairly Role Play
Situation: Argument about
bedtime
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Fighting Fairly Role Play
Situation: Argument about
house chores
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Fighting Fairly Role Play
Situation: Argument about
family time
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Fighting Fairly Role Play
Situation: Argument about Buying something
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Going with the ResistanceLaying the Foundation…
1. Know yourself and your natural instincts
2. Learn to manage your emotional responses
3. Learn to argue fairly 4. Learn to recognize power
struggles and how to avoid them
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The Classic Power Struggle
What is a Power Struggle?
“Two people engaged in a struggle for dominance,
each equally committed to winning”
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The Truth About Power Struggles
• Each person goes to increasingly greater lengths to “win”
• Severely damages the relationship
• Results in resentment, anger, loss of respect, loss of trust, and humiliation
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Power Struggles: Risk Factors
• Lack of Experience
• Unrealistic Expectations
• Misunderstanding the Difference Between Discipline and Punishment
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You need to “win”
You get “louder” You solicit support
You up the punishment
You need to have the last
word
You pull rank unnecessarily
You give 100 rationales
You bring up old business
You use absolutes
You “hit below the
belt”
You might be in a power struggle if…
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So How Do You Avoid and Resolve Power Struggles?
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How to Avoid Power Struggles
Name the Problem:
1. The real issue
2. The goal of the behavior
3. Acknowledge the real issue and focus your energy there
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Decide On An Outcome
What do you want to accomplish?What will you settle for?
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How to Avoid Power Struggles
Go with the Resistance
Give him what he wants under controlled circumstances
Examples: Homework — Do it after play time/dinner
Bedtime — Stay up 15-30 minutesChores — Choices between two tasks
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Negotiate A Solution
State your terms
Listen to your child’s terms
Seek a compromise
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How to Avoid Power Struggles
How to Avoid Power Struggles
Hold up your end of the agreement
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Pinkie swear doesn’t cut it anymore. My lawyer has some documents for you to sign.
Pulling It All Together
Staying grounded and emotionally self-aware.
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FOR MORE INFORMATION:
Clerc Center Home Page clerccenter.gallaudet.edu
Or email us [email protected]
Trainer:Yvonne Olsen Catt: [email protected]
Please complete the Workshop Evaluation Form & the Customer Satisfaction Form
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