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Adapted from “Finding a Way to Forgive” byRabbi David Wolpe and used with permissionfrom Jewish Lights Publishing

Be Careful of IncompleteForgivenessForgiveness is far easier in theory than inpractice. The humorist Kin Hubbard wrote thatno one ever forgets where he buried thehatchet. We sometimes believe we forgive, butthe original insult rankles; we are incompletein our mercy. We nurture the grudge as weexalt the absolution.

In the Bible, Absalom, the son of Kind David, isestranged from his father. David is angry withAbsalom and is persuaded to forgive him onlyby the entreaties of Joab, David’s chief of staff.We read (2 Samuel 14:33): “Joab went to theking and reported to him, whereupon hesummoned Absalom. He came to the king andflung himself down to the ground before theking. And the king kissed Absalom.”

The Bible is careful with words, so we areentitled to notice how David is designatedthroughout the story. He is always called“king,” never “David,” never “father.” Knowingas we do that Absalom later rebelled, perhapshere is a subtle biblical lesson. Absalom wasestranged from his father. At this lastopportunity for healing, David acted not as afather but as a king. It was the king who kissedAbsalom, not the loving father, not the Davidwhom we know from other stories as asensitive and caring soul. Later, when Davidgrieves for the loss of his son, he might berecalling this moment when pride and positiondestroyed what remained of a relationship.David forgave, but not fully. His heart still heldback. As a result, he lost his son forever.

Develop Practices ofForgivenessLifting ourselves out of the here-and-now cangive us a truer perspective on our predicament.Will this insult matter in thirty years, or even inthirty days? Is what happened as grievous as itseems?

Judaism teaches those who have done wrongto seek forgiveness. It mandates that theoffenders must sincerely ask pardon and seekto correct the wrongs they have done. But italso teaches that after a certain point – threesincere apologies, an attempt at restitution,and a clear indication that the person haschanged – it becomes the obligation of thewronged party to forgive.

Take Heart. Take Time. Beginthe Journey.Forgiveness takes time. Forgiving is a processwe go through to attain the state of forgiveness.There will be anger and backsliding. But like alltrue journeys, we cannot now exactly imaginewhere we will end up once we have taken thejourney. To forgive another is to open up a newpathway in your spirit.

Finding a Way toForgive

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Why Should We Forgive?A Hasidic parable tells of a king who quarreledwith his son. In a fit of rage, the king exiled hisson from the kingdom. In time, the king’s heartsoftened, so he sent his ministers to find hisson and ask him to return. When they locatedthe young man, he said that he could notreturn to the kingdom. He had been too hurt,and his heart still harbored bitterness. Theministers brought back the sad news to theking. The king sent the following message:“Return as far as you can, and I will come therest of the way.”

This story is about hardness of heart, faith,forgiveness, and love. Whether we identify withthe king or the child, we all understand what itis to fight against forgiveness. At times, we feelas if, to use the imagery of the Talmud, clayrises in our hearts, and we feel stony insteadof soft. We tell ourselves that forgiveness isnot deserved and that our anger is just.

The triumph of the king was that he overcamethe rage that had mastered his feelings andled to the exile of someone he loved.Forgiveness is the lightening of our ownhearts. The darkness of hatred, rage, andcontempt that we harbor rarely injures theunforgiven as much as it does the one who will

not forgive. We imagine that our continuedanger is so powerful that it will bring sorrowand ruin on those against whom we hold agrudge. But its influence is far more dangerousto our own hearts.

The human heart carries hurt throughout life.We are all scarred, burdened, and broken indifferent ways. Many of these injuries areunavoidable. We cannot escape the losses thatlife brings. But we can control whether oursouls are tied in knots, angry and gnarled. Wecannot control the world, but each of us is thecaptain of our own souls.

Forgiveness Is Necessary toCreationAccording to Jewish tradition, the sixth day ofCreation is when Adam and Eve were placed inthe garden, ate the fruit, were ejected fromthe garden, and were forgiven by God. Thistradition teaches that the world begins withforgiveness. Yes, there was also sin, but theemphasis is on forgiveness for the worldcannot survive without mercy. In the Bible, thehuman journey begins with sin andforgiveness. One is natural, the other isnecessary. We will sin, each and every one ofus. But will we forgive?

We Need ForgivenessWe forgive, in part, because we needforgiveness. Every one of us has bruisedanother, betrayed and ill-treated even thosewhom we love. There is no one so righteous,

Qohelet (the narrator of the Book ofEcclesiastes) teaches us, that he or she doesonly good and never sins (Ecclesiastes 7:20).By forgiving, we enhance the presence ofcompassion in the world. Can any marriage orany friendship endure without constantforgiveness? We cannot have what we will notgive. By pardoning another person we bringsomething precious into the world. All of usneed forgiveness.

Judaism teaches that God models forgivenessfor human beings. When we fall short, we askGod to forgive us. Our task is to grant otherswhat we hope for from God.

Forgiveness Is about Letting GoOften our anger melts away when we trulyunderstand the circumstances of the other, butthat is not identical with forgiveness.Forgiveness is a generosity of the heart, not anexample of clear thinking. True forgivenessoccurs when conduct has been inexcusable,not when it has been understandable. Toforgive someone is to believe them to havebeen wrong and to let go of the moral leveragethat our righteousness grants us over another.It is a leveling born of letting go.

Forgiveness does not always mean a renewalof the relationship as it was before. Sometimesa sin destroys and the connection cannot berebuilt. Forgiveness is not building somethingnew, but letting the old wash away – the oldanger.

Sometimes we cling to anger not because wehave to, but because it gives us something: thefeeling of our own righteousness, a reason notto deal with another, a clean line to drawbetween good and bad. But our tradition asksus to rise above pettiness, anger, divisiveness –all that sullies the purity and beauty of God’sworld.

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