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February 2010

“Personal Excellence is the only reading you’ll need to do for continual self-improvement both personallyand professionally!” —Sharlene Hawkes, Former Miss America,

award-winning ESPN broadcaster

Bruna MartinuzziConsultant

Degreesof GivingDegrees

of Giving

LoveLoveValuingValuing

Lead with GenerosityLead with Generosity

CircuitTraining

CircuitTraining

Build ConfidenceBuild Confidence

INSIDEERIC ADLERThree Pillars ...................................12CAROL KINSEY GOMANAttractive Service ...........................13ALEX PATTAKOSService in 2010 ...............................14LARRY SPEARSServant-Leaders ..............................14MIKE HAWKINSResolutions You Can Keep .............15DEREK CLARKDream Wings..................................16DAVE ANDERSONForgive Others ..................................16

Degrees of GivingL e a d y o u r l i f e w i t h g e n e r o s i t y .

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IOFTEN MEDITATE ON THE VIRTUE OF GENEROSITYas a leadership quality: observing leaders who

have it, and those who lack it. As Nelson Hen-derson writes: The true meaning of life is to planttrees, under whose shade you do not expect to sit.

When we think of generosity, we tend tothink of gifts of money or charity. In the contextof leadership, there are other gifts that don’thave a monetary value, but whose value isbeyond price. These include giving people achance, the benefit of the doubt,a reason to want to work foryou, latitude, permission tomake mistakes, and the infor-mation that they need to dothe job. It’s giving them theauthority that goes with theresponsibility—and givingthem due credit for theirideas. All of this translates togenerosity of spirit—a qualitywe admire in leaders.

The word generosity oncemeant of noble birth, and usedto be associated with aristocrats who, by virtueof their privileges, were expected to showgenerosity toward those in lesser standing. Aleader too, by virtue of her position, and thepower and privileges that she holds relativeto those she leads, has the same expectationsand obligations. A prime obligation is to leadwith a generous heart and be guided bynobility of mind. Generosity has a positiveeffect; its absence has negative consequences.

People want to find meaning in their jobs—to feel that they are a part of something biggerand better, to know that what they do mat-ters. A leader with a generous spirit under-stands this need, and connects the dots forpeople—to help them see how the work they

SIMON T. BAILEYExperience Vuja De ..........................3LAURA LOPEZAre You Too Critical?............................4PETER HANDALKeep Resolutions...............................4CHRISTINA SCHMIDTEating Habits....................................5CAROLE CARSONFitness Protection...............................6DOUG DAVIN AND DIANA MORRISBring It On! .....................................6DAVID ALLENInside Time .......................................7

LINDA GALINDO85% Solution....................................8MICHAEL ANGIERAchieve Your Goals ..........................8TIM URSINYCircuit Training................................9NATHANIEL BRANDENValuing Love.......................................10LINNDA DURRÉAssertiveness Power .......................10ERIC TYSONBe Debt-free in 2010 .......................11PATRICK LENCIONIDanger of Fame ..............................12

perform impacts the greater vision.Recently I read Julie Salamon’s inspirational

book Ramban’s Ladder: A Meditation on Generosityand Why It is Necessary to Give. It’s based on theteachings of Ramban, a physician and philoso-pher who, more than 1,000 years ago, developedRamban’s Ladder, outlining forms of giving—from handing out money begrudgingly, as youmight to a panhandler—to helping someonebecome self-reliant. Tom Peters tells of a house-

keeper who worked in a hospi-tal that treats cancer. Whenasked what her job entailed,she said, “I help to cure can-cer.” The leader connected thedots for this person, and madeher feel that she was an inte-gral part of the hospital’s mis-sion. Do you do that for yourteam? Imagine how engagedpeople are when their leadermakes them feel that they playa vital role—that everyone con-stitutes a binding thread, tight-

ly interwoven into the fabric of the team—eachequally doing its part to give the fabric strength.

Leaders with a generous spirit delegate worth-while work that becomes a gift of growth.How we love those leaders! They make uswant to get out of bed and go to work to givethat person the best that we have to offer. Theyget our discretionary effort, every day.

And what about gifts of information? Peoplewant to be in on things; to satisfy this need,share information. We’ve all encountered lead-ers who are inclined to hoard crucial informa-tion as the currency of power. Leaders with agenerous spirit give people a chance to be apart of the inner circle. Generously share yourknow-how, expertise, and ideas.

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I N S P I R AT I O N A L • GENEROSITY

Volume 15 Issue 2

Personal Excellence is published monthly byExecutive Excellence Publishing, LLC (dbaLeadership Excellence), 1806 North 1120 West,Provo, UT 84604.

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Copyright © 2010 Executive ExcellencePublishing. No part of this publication may bereproduced or transmitted in any form withoutwritten permission from the publisher.Quotations must be credited.

Albert Camus said: “Real generositytoward the future consists in giving all towhat is present.” Often, as leaders, we areso focused on future achievements, on real-izing the vision, that we neglect the peoplewho are there. One leader confessed to meonce that she woke up one day realizinghow much she had disconnected emotional-ly from the people who did the work. Today,we tend to be too self-absorbed. We becomeself-involved and unintentionally excludeothers; and we only notice it when theybecome disengaged. Self-absorption pre-vents generosity. So, ask yourself: “Am Igiving enough to the people around me?”

In one African village, the greeting wordsfor good morning or hello are: “I am here ifyou are here.” Imagine the gift you giveothers when you are fully present withthem—when you truly see them. RalphWaldo Emerson wrote: “The only gift is thegift of thyself.” Bill Clinton once exhortedleaders to “see more people,” especiallythose who do the clean-up workbehind the scenes. Do we give athought to the people who areunnoticed, those who quietlywork in the background?

While generosity in its puresense is altruistic, you receivesomething back from it—surprisedividends in the form of a recy-cling of goodwill, a surplus ofcooperation, and the satisfaction of seeingothers benefit from your giving of your-self—your time, attention, knowledge, andthe best that you have to offer those whocross your path. You’ll never know whatopportunities you miss in life by showingup tight-fisted. It is hard to receive anythingif you never open your hands to give.

Giving people the gift of your apprecia-tion for their work, and your genuine admi-ration for their talents, is generosity of spiritat its pinnacle. It’s the difference betweensaying to someone: “Good job” versus“This was pure genius;” or “I appreciatedyour help” versus “I couldn’t have done itwithout you.” Give genuine praise resplen-dently. When you see good work, say itfrom the heart—let it fly in the form of gen-erous words, and watch what you get back.

Here are nine practical tips to enhanceyour generosity of spirit:• Give people a sense of importance. In

Adele Lynn’s book, In Search of Honor, welearn that 55 percent of workers value “giv-ing people a sense of importance” as thenumber-one item for building trust.Consider what small actions you could takeintentionally today to make people feel thatthe work they do is important, and thatthey are important to your team.• Give feedback, not criticism. If giving

frequent criticism is your style, ask yourself:Is your motivation genuine, or is it to gain

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points? Are you picking the right moment?Are you reflecting how you might deliver thefeedback while still honoring the person?• Give people visibility. Giving people visi-

bility helps them shine and grow. Give peo-ple more access to the boss. People like toknow that their boss knows the great contri-butions they made to a project, or about theireffort in work that does not bear their name.Knowing that your leader represents youwell to upper management is a high-octanemotivator, and engenders fierce loyalty.• Give anonymously. Do something for

someone without their knowledge. Think ofa deserving person who you can help byplanting a career-enhancing seed on theirbehalf—perhaps saying something positiveabout their work to the boss?• Know when to forgive. Martin Luther

King said, “The old law of an eye for an eyeleaves everyone blind.” Harboring vindictivethoughts is violence to yourself. Generouspeople lack resentment. Who do you need to

forgive? What do you need to let go?• Give encouragement. Encourage

those who need it. Some peoplehave never received encourage-ment—not from teachers, frombosses, not even from parents.

• Give opportunity. Give people achance. Is there someone to whomyou could give a second chance toprove herself? If so, what active

steps can you take to create the right circum-stances for her to succeed? What doors canyou open for someone who is well deserving,but not well positioned to be noticed?• Share your knowledge and experience.

Become a philanthropist of know-how. Whatknowledge, expertise, or best practices canyou share with others to enrich them? Forinspiration, read about leaders who practiceteaching for everyone’s benefit. For example,ex-CEO of GE, Jack Welch, filled his calendarwith hundreds of hours in teaching thou-sands of GE managers and executives at thecompany’s training center; and the ex-CEOof Intel, Andy Grove, taught newly hired andsenior managers how to lead in an industrywhere innovation goes stale quickly.• Give moral support. Many people fear

public speaking. So, when you attend a pre-sentation given by apprehensive team mem-bers, give them moral support. Abstain fromchecking your Blackberry, give a nod inagreement, and look with kind eyes.

Take inspiration from Walt Whitman’swords: “The habit of giving enhances thedesire to give.” Giving requires practice andpersistence. Once it becomes habitual, youwill emerge as a stronger leader. PE

Bruna Martinuzzi is a speaker, coach, andauthor of The Leader as a Mensch: Become theKind of Person Others Want to Follow. Visitwww.leaderasamensch.com or email bmartin-uzzi@increaseyoureq.com.ACTION: Give more generously.

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lovers of the written word to experiencebooks. This profound shift is similar toApple iPods and iTunes that have trans-formed the way people purchase music.

TaTa, a multi-billion dollar compa-ny has introduced to the consumermarket of 1 billion people in India thefirst $2,500 car, called the TaTa Nanowith a 2-cylinder gas engine. Do youthink this was a shot heard around theworld, especially for those in the autoindustry? Maybe. Once again, if youunderstand how to read the tea leavesof change, you realize that somethingis afoot in the world. Business as usualis out, and business as change is in.

Zappos.com is an online shoe com-pany that has grossed $1 billion in itstenth year in business. All employeesreceive four weeks of training and are

then offered $2,000 to quit. The CEOTony Hsieh says “paying them to quitsaves the company money by weedingout people who would jump ship any-way and allows those who remain tomake a public statement of commit-ment to their new employer.” Turnovercosts U.S. employers more than $140billion a year. Zappos has branched outinto an outsourcing program to handleselling, customer service and shippingfor other companies. Perhaps that iswhy Amazon purchased them for $847million dollars. Vuja de is in their DNA.

Commonality chokes creativity.Best practices must move over and giveway to best ideas. If you practice the wayeveryone else practices that doesn’tmean that you’ll get their results. Youdeny yourself and your business fromdiscovering how to fail forward.

NASA designed an experiment totest the physiological impact of spatialdisorientation—the kind that astronautsmight experience during extended timein a weightless environment. They out-

fitted a team of astronaut candidateswith convex goggles that flipped every-thing in their field of vision 180 degrees,so that the world they saw was upsidedown. The astronauts wore these glasses24 hours a day. Then the scientists satback to observe what happened.

At first, extreme stress and anxietywere obvious, as reflected in the astro-naut’s blood pressure and other vitalsigns. The astronauts gradually adaptedto this new level of stress, but it didn’tdisappear. After all, their world wasupside down! After 26 days, somethingamazing happened to one astronaut:His world turned right-side up again.The goggles hadn’t changed and he wasstill wearing them continuously, butnow he could see everything around himas normal. Within the next several days,all the other astronauts followed suit.

After 30 days of this stream of strangenew input, the men’s brains had createdenough new neural connections to com-pletely rewire their brains, so that theirvisual and spatial perception worked at180 degrees opposite from the way thebrain normally works!

Here are five ways to apply Vuja de:• Front-line is the bottom line. The

answers you need are not at the top ofthe food chain; they are at the bottom ofthe food chain. They exist in the heads,hearts, and hands of men and womenwho are closest to your customers.• Synergy is green energy—Yes, the sum

total is greater than its parts. Who pos-sesses a level of expertise that you donot have? Barter with them or strike analliance. What do you have that theyneed? Partner and go after the green.• Take control of your inner steering

wheel and don’t allow the passengers offear and complacency to direct youfrom the backseat. Don’t be the passen-ger of television, setbacks, disappoint-ments, and doomsayers.• Embrace positive psychology as a

way of life instead of a passing fad.Positive thinking is the key to the doorof unlimited creativity and innovation.• Be a flipologist—a person who prac-

tices Vuja de and can see what everyoneelse sees but understand it differently.For example, Luggage Forward picks upyour luggage, golf clubs, or skis anddelivers it to your destination before youarrive. Take your job and flip it! Whodoes your job benefit? Who really paysyour salary and what do you need? Yourarely get promoted until you becomeoverqualified for your current position. PE

Simon T. Bailey is president of Brilliance Institute andauthor of Release Your Brilliance. Call 407-905-5063, e-mail simon@simontbailey.com or www.simontbailey.com.

ACTION: Flip your perspective.

by Simon T. Bailey

WE LIVE AT A TIME WHENeverything that can be

changed will change. Finan-cial markets are shifting, industries areforced to adapt to the new normal, man-agement philosophies are being reex-amined for relevancy, and you are beinginvited to reset, reignite, and shift.

We become conditioned to acceptwhat life offers without questioning ifthere is a better way. How often do youwake up to go to work and go throughthe same routine? How often do you dosomething the same way, same time,and same place every day? We are liv-ing in an Age of Sameness that causesmany people to be stuck in neutral,while the rest of the world is waving atthem as they drive into the future.

The late comedian George Carlincoined a phrase Vuja de, the opposite ofdéjà vu. Vuja de is having a fresh set ofeyes to see the same thing but under-stand it in a unique way.

Déjà vu means the illusion of havingpreviously experienced somethingbeing encountered for the first time, adisagreeable familiarity or sameness—such as “the new television season hasa sense of déjà vu about it—the sameplots and characters with new names.”This reminds me of the movies Gladiator,Braveheart, 300 and Troy—a plot aboutthe hero, war, and love (Hollywood).

Modern examples of Vuja de wouldbe Apple’s creation of the iPhone. Thereare many cell phone makers, but Apple,in its brilliance, took a simple phoneand turned it into a mobile office. Whenyou meet people who have an iPhone,you ask, “How you do like your phone?”and then “What apps do you have?”Suddenly adults transform into kids.

Cirque du Soleil (French for Circus ofthe Sun) is the Circus on Steroids. Theytook their fresh eyes to see the Circus,transforming it in a profound way.Many realize that paying $20 to experi-ence a Ringling Brothers and BarnumBailey Bros. Circus is no comparison toa $150 transformational Cirque duSoleil experience. How many times doyou leave a circus and talk about it?Rarely. Why? There was no Vuja de.

Amazon.com, with the launch ofKindle, has introduced a new way for

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Experience Vuja DeLearn to see th ings in a whole new way.

P R O F E S S I O N A L • P E R S P E C T I V E

Next time you find yourself sur-rounded by a bunch of “under perform-ers,” ask yourself a few questions:• Am I criticizing them too harshly?• Do I focus only on what’s done wrong?• Have I validated and reinforced the

things this person is doing right?• Can I help these people build a posi-

tive belief that they are competent insome aspect of their work?

Now is a good time to see the rightthings others are doing. You will be abetter leader when you take time tobuild on the “right” things as opposedto criticizing the “wrong” things. Afterall, you tend to get the very results youare looking for. PE

Laura Lopez is a consultant, life coach, and award-win-ning author of The Connected and Committed Leader.Visit www.laura-lopez.com.

ACTION: Find and praise what’s good and right.

by Laura Lopez

NO MATTER WHAT KIND OFwork you do, you need

to rely on other people. Infact, even if you don’t work, you needto rely on others. This became clear tome just the other day as I was visitingwith a new mother and her baby.

During our visit, she complainedincessantly about how tired she wasbecause she couldn’t get her husband tohelp as much as she would like. Shortlyafter hearing all of her woes, I experi-enced first-hand the root of her problem.

She was criticizing her husband tooharshly and as a result, he was demor-alized and didn’t engage very muchwith their child. My guess is that afterhearing all of her criticisms, he wasn’tfeeling very competent.

To my ears, her criticism soundedsomething like this:• “Don’t pick her up that way; you are

going to hurt her.”• “Please don’t feed her that way, she

needs to be more upright.”• “Keep your voice lower, you are

going to over-stimulate her.”Poor guy! Whatever he did, it wasn’t

right or good enough for his wife.I know this mother loves her husband

and wants him to be involved with theirchild and she also is doing her best atbeing the best mother she can be. She iswell-intentioned in every way.

Consider Your WaysI tell this story not to fault this

woman, but rather to highlight thateven when you have the best intentionsto do the right thing, you can oftenunintentionally demoralize and causeothers to disengage when you are look-ing for the exact opposite behavior.

Work situations are no exception.Leaders who successfully get others

to deliver results for them know how tomanage criticism. Criticism is importantfor course correction, but understand-ing how to manage it for optimalimpact is essential, especially duringthese difficult times.

At the foundation of behavior modi-fication is ensuring the person has apositive belief in their abilities.

This mother will have the greatestability to impact her husband’s behav-ior if she is able to validate and rein-

by Peter Handal

THIS NEW YEAR AND DECADEdecide to make some

positive changes. Here arefive resolution suggestions:

1. Keep a positive outlook. DaleCarnegie said, “Gain strength from thepositive, and don’t be sapped by thenegative.” While he was speaking ofstaying positive when in your job andprofessional career path, thisis great advice for the every-day. It is easy to get suckedinto the negatives surround-ing you (all you have to dois turn on the nightly newsfor a crushing blow to yourpositive outlook on life), butthis year, make a daily effortto remain positive. Goodoften times attracts good, soyou’ll find that positive developmentsfall in to place naturally as a result!

2. Be your own boss. Give yourselfa goal and a deadline and hold your-self accountable for following throughon that deadline. These deadlines canrange from the small (“I’ll work outthree times a week”) to the large (“I’llask for a promotion this month”) andwill get you used to implementing andfollowing action steps in both yourpersonal and professional life.

3. Exercise your mind with books.At the core of Dale Carnegie Training’sproven leadership and interpersonalprinciples lies a simple truth: applying

appropriate assertiveness to all interac-tions is the most effective approach tobuilding a successful career. Our bookand audio book, The 5 Essential PeopleSkills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen toOthers, and Resolve Conflicts offers aproven plan for implementing assert-iveness without aggressiveness todeliver a clear message, build loyalty,and achieve recognition and respect!

4. Jump-start motivation. We workwith managers and leaders to find pos-itive ways to motivate and empowerpeople without making them feel criti-cized or pressured. This year, look atboth your professional life and person-al life with a renewed perspective, and

a great way to start thingsoff fresh is to re-energizeyour daily routine with amotivating, pleasurableactivity or hobby.

5. Be a people person.While soft or people skills areoften viewed as less impor-tant within the frameworkof workplace instruction, Ibelieve that a strong back-

ground and understanding of theseconcepts is an absolutely pivotal partof your growth. The five skills we tar-get in our courses are rapport building,curiosity, communication, ambition,and conflict resolution. By becoming abetter listener and taking a genuineinterest in friends and loved ones, youcan become a person that people notonly want to be around, but want tohelp and see succeed in life. PE

Peter Handal is CEO of Dale Carnegie Training andauthor of The 5 Essential People Skills: How to AssertYourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts(Fireside/Simon & Schuster). www.dalecarnegie.com

ACTION: Make and keep some resolutions.

P R O F E S S I O N A L • CRITICISM

Keep ResolutionsMake some positive changes.

Are You Too Critical?Focus on what is done well.

P R O F E S S I O N A L • CHANGES

force his ability to parent his child asopposed to crushing it, which is whather harsh criticism is doing.

We often focus on what isn’t right andwant to fix it, as opposed to focusing onwhat’s right and how to build on it.

When your kids come home with areport card with all As and one C, don’task, “Why did you get the C?” but “Howcan you achieve an A?”

Leaders always focus on what hasbeen done well. Focusing on strengths isone of the best ways to manage criticism.In all of the interactions this father haswith his child, there must be severalthings he does exceedingly well. Hiswife needs to focus first on these areas.

From that foundation, behavior in the“weaker” areas may improve. The bestway to influence behavior is throughpositive affirmations, not negative ones.

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diet. In addition, the high temperaturesused during frying cause a carcinogenicchemical called acrylamide to form! Avoidprocessed meats like bologna, bacon,hot dogs, and sausages. These are allhigh in sodium, carcinogenic nitrites,and saturated fat. Candy and dessertsare high in sugar and saturated fat, andsome even contain synthetic trans fats.These poor food choices increase yourrisk of diabetes and obesity.

Think outside the (pizza) box. Mostkid-favorite comfort foods, such as mac‘n cheese, grilled cheese sandwiches,hot dogs, french fries and pizza can beadapted into healthier versions. Choosewhole wheat or whole grain pasta formacaroni and cheese and use a cheesethat is low in sodium and contains noartificial flavors or colors. Grilled cheesesandwiches can be baked with wholegrain bread and healthy cheeses thatcontain no artificial additives. Knowwhere to find or make healthy alterna-tives to your children’s favorite treats. Ifyour kids crave pizza, invite them to getin on the action. They’ll enjoy placingtoppings and rolling out the dough.Choose your healthy toppings, bake andserve! Avoid the pepperoni, sausage,extra cheese, deep dish and white crust.

The apple of your eye will noticethat apple on your plate. Your childrenlearn from you, and pick up on yourhabits, whether you realize it or not.They look to your behaviors and habitsto know how to act; so, set a healthyexample. Eat healthy foods in front ofyour children; and when you’re at arestaurant or buffet, make good choicesand help them to eat a balanced meal. Ifyour kids notice that you’re eating yourfruits and veggies, they’ll want in on theaction! Children mimic your behavior,so start eating healthy now. Be a rolemodel for healthy eating and manners.

Sugar, salt, and spice are not alwaysso nice. In the U.S., the average intakeof sugar is 20.5 teaspoons a day! Withdiabetes and obesity so pervasive, youneed to cut back on sugar. Salt, too, canbe a big problem. Think about the saltcontent of the food before adding more;taste the food to see if it needs a sprinkle.Use half of the salt called for in recipesand choose food brands that offer lowsalt and sodium varieties. Also, intro-duce spices slowly to your children.

Remember, you are what you eat! So,eat healthier foods and encourage yourchild to make better choices and devel-op healthy habits that last a lifetime. PE

Christina Schmidt is president of Baby Bistro Brands,and author of The Toddler Bistro, The Baby Bistro, TheBaby Bistro Box. Visit www.babybistrobrands.com.

ACTION: Modify your eating habits.

P H Y S I C A L • E AT I N G H A B I T SHealthy toddlers self-regulate their foodintake. Be aware of appetite busters suchas grazing, teething, colds, ear infections,fatigue, stress, inactivity, filling up onsoda, milk or juice before a meal, orshort attention spans. If any of thesemight be causing meal-skipping, makeadjustments. And, don’t be alarmed ifyour child wolfs down food during agrowth spurt. Pay attention to the cues.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, tryagain! You may need to offer a food 10times before your child will eat. If yougive up after three tries, you miss agolden chance to add something newto your child’s diet. One day your childwill realize that he actually does likebroccoli and carrots! Children behavein ways that get them attention. If theyare labeled as picky, they’ll act that wayand exacerbate the problem. Try not toreact dramatically if your child turns hisnose up to a food. He’ll pick up on yourreaction and repeat his behavior. Remainnonchalant and offer it again later.

Put your child on kitchen duty. Yourexperience in the kitchen directly reflectsyour comfort level with experimentingwhen it comes to new food tastes andcombinations. Let children participatein age-appropriate tasks in the kitchen,such as stirring and measuring ingredi-

ents, to give them a senseof participating in mealpreparation. I’ve mademany healthy recipeswith my kitchen helpers.Children love to help withkitchen tasks. It can alsobe a time to teach nutritionlessons as you have anexperience with selectingand preparing meals.

French fries are not ahealthy vegetable choice! By the timechildren are 18 months old, the numberone vegetable they consume is the frenchfry. Over half of all two- to three-year-olds don’t get enough daily fruits andveggies. People who eat fast food regu-larly have higher intakes of fat, salt,cholesterol, and calories in addition tolower intakes of vitamins, minerals,and fiber. So, don’t make fast food ahabit. Sure, it’s okay on occasion —inmoderation. When doing the drive-thru,steer clear of battered, creamy, saucy,salty, and giant-sized selections.

Avoid obesity culprits. Fast foodisn’t the only offender in the obesityepidemic. Also avoid feeding your kidsfried foods, processed meats, candy,desserts and sweetened drinks such assodas and juices. Most fried foods addsaturated fat and sugar or salt to the

by Christina Schmidt

IN THIS NEW DECADE, FOCUSyour fresh start on some-

thing that really matters:your eating habits—and those of yourfamily. With rising rates of obesity anddiabetes, you and yours need to eat abalanced, healthy mix of foods.

So, resolve to introduce and stick to ahealthy menu of foods. You know howyour diet decisions affect your kids, butsometimes you make poor food choicesout of desperation. There are ways topersuade your children to eat healthyfoods. And eating healthy is a decisionthat you should also make for yourself.

You can learn to eat healthier. Youand your picky children can come to anunderstanding, and you can help themovercome their food hang-ups and learnto love (or at least tolerate) the nutritiousfare that help them grow strong andhealthy. Once you decide to make thatchange in eating habits and stick to thatdecision, your children willalso make that change.

Yes, it’s personal. Con-sider your child’s person-ality as you present food.For example, independentchildren may prefer tohave their own toddler-sized eating area whileyour short-attention-spanned child might beprone to grazing. If no isyour child’s favorite word, offer limitedchoices so he has fewer things to say“no” to. Remain calm as your child istesting your limits. Try to understandhis point of view. A new world of dis-covery surrounds him daily. He needsto feel in control of some part of it.Work with your child’s personality tohelp him ease into trying new foods.Stay consistent and soon his nutritionaloutlook will change.

Don’t confuse palate preferences withan absent appetite. Your child’s growthrate slows after the first year, so the in-satiable hunger of infancy fades into amore casual interest in food. It’s not thatyour child no longer enjoys eating thosefoods. He’s probably just not as hungry.Due to fluctuating appetites, skipping ameal or two is normal. Allow them tolisten to their own internal hunger cues.

Eating HabitsYo u a r e w h a t y o u e a t .

scious of and ones that your body doesautomatically, without your awareness.

9. Respect your body’s needs; don’t takeyour health for granted. If you neglectyour body, you may trigger medicalproblems that will trim your pocketbookand lower your spirits. A healthy heartin a healthy body is priceless.

10. Team with others who are com-mitted to maintaining their well-being.Surrounding yourself with like-mindedteammates reinforces your own faithful-ness to healthful routines.

Every day you practice these 10 tips,you’ll feel better in your body and betterabout your body. You’ll feel more alive inbody, mind and spirit—a healthy bodymakes everything better. PE

Carole Carson is a fitness advocate and the author ofFrom Fat to Fit. Visit www.fromfat2fit.com.

ACTION: Achieve your fitness goals.

by Carole Carson

YOUR HEART—THAT QUIET,understated partner—

beats 100,000 times every 24hours; and unless you listen and takenotes, you won’t hear its message.

Why listen? Because heart disease isthe number one killer of both men andwomen. Our growing girth has wipedout efforts to reduce heart disease.

If your heart could speak, it wouldtell you to take good care of your healthnot only during February, AmericanHeart Month, but throughout the year.Fitness is basic to heart health, so placeyour heart in a fitness protection programby following 10 tips:

1. Be honest with yourself about thestate of your fitness. Tell yourself thetruth about your current level of condi-tioning. Weigh yourself. Surplus weightis hard on your heart. Facing the truthfrees you to take appropriate action.

2. Develop a realistic view of yourbody. A 60-year-old body will performdifferently than a 20-year-old body. Re-cognize that the idealized model for fit-ness is not achievable for most people.Instead, define your own standards forfitness and health.

3. Be your body’s boss—make healtha priority. Make room in your life forheart health. When planning your dailyschedule, allocate time to work on yourfitness goals. Trim, fit bodies are thereward for time invested in exercisingand eating nutritious meals. Incorporatemovement into your daily routine. Con-sider the 60 minutes you spend exercis-ing daily as a happy hour for the heart.Keep studying and learning so you canbe responsive to your body’s needs.

4. Monitor your fitness program.Keep a food journal, measure progress,and celebrate small successes. Anticipateobstacles and plan recoveries. The questfor fitness is not a smooth journey—upsand downs are inevitable. Indulgencesneed to be offset by strategic adherenceto limitations. Reassure yourself thatsetbacks are part of the process. Turntime into an ally by striving for persis-tence rather than perfection.

5. Have fun with your fitness pro-gram. Find foods you enjoy eating thatdon’t pack on pounds, and explore waysof exercising until you find ones thatmake you feel young again. It’s all about

by DougDavin andDiana Morris

IT’S TOUGH TO FEEL EXCITED AND ENERGIZEDabout your future when you’re tired

or run down. So boost your bring it on!with strategies for staying healthy andstrong. First, check with your doctor tobe sure any diet or exercise plans aresafe and appropriate for you.

From strength, stamina,and flexibility to stress reduct-ion and disease prevention,exercise improves your healthand outlook and your sleep.We call our formula for abalanced exercise regimenSweat, Strength, and Stretch:• Sweat requires 30 minutes

of aerobic activity. Fitnesswalking is a good choice. For the costof walking shoes, you can get a greatcardiovascular workout, especially ifyou pump your arms, with minimalstress on your joints. Other aerobicoptions include swimming, cycling,jogging, and aerobic classes or DVDs.• Strength work (lifting weights, doing

pushups, sit-ups, or muscle-strengthen-ing exercise) is a vital part of any exer-cise regimen. This resistance trainingstrengthens your muscles and buildsbone density. Strong muscles protectyour joints, reshape your body, andburn calories, even when you’re still!

• Stretching keeps you toned and lim-ber, prevents injuries, and enables youto move freely and more quickly. Flex-ibility work through stretches, yoga, orPilates exercise protects you from mus-cle tears and aches—including dis-abling back pains—and enables you tomove more comfortably and fluidly.

You can exercise until cows fly, buta steady diet devoid of vitamins andfiber will drag you down. Start makingbetter choices. Eat a breakfast with somewhole grain (oats, shredded wheat, or12-grain bread), and a protein like anegg or cup of yogurt. For lunch, have asalad with tuna or chicken, seeds ornuts, or chunks of low-fat cheese. Skipthe high-fat dressing and have a slice

of whole-grain bread. Fordinner, reduce your portionof meat, chicken, or fish;have a cup of brown rice ora small sweet potato or yamfor fiber; and add a saladand a serving of steamedvegetables (or try a vegetar-ian meal). Between meals,drink plenty of water andopt for fruit instead of junk.

Satisfy your sweet tooth with a low-fatgranola bar, a banana dipped in raisins,or a baked apple with cinnamon.

Also, get the rest and balance youneed. Turn off the TV, put the bookdown, leave the clothes in the basketuntil tomorrow. Sleep is more impor-tant. Don’t eat or drink caffeine afterdinner so you can sleep comfortably.

Beyond work, make time for family,friendships, and spiritual well being. PE

Doug Davin and Diana Morris are co-authors of Bring It On! Visit www.breakthroughskills.com.

ACTION: Boost your energy.

P H Y S I C A L • FITNESS

Bring It On!B o o s t y o u r e n e rg y.

Fitness ProtectionShow your heart you care.

P H Y S I C A L • BALANCE

what works for you. And laugh often. Apositive perspective is good for your heart.

6. Make room for rest, recovery, recre-ation, and reflection. A sound night’ssleep is a vital part of your fitness pro-gram. Find pleasure in sources beyondeating, such as listening to music orenjoying the outdoors. Spend timereflecting on your life and fitness goals.

7. Make the most of your unique body.Accept that some aspects of your bodycan’t be altered (you didn’t choose yourparents). Some bodies are predisposedto fat accumulation; others are naturallythin. Accepting what is versus bemoaningthe injustices of your biological inheritancesaves energy for constructive pursuits.

8. Appreciate your body. It representsthe gift of life. Say “thank you” to yourbody for performing its life-sustainingfunctions, the ones that you are con-

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many things to do today. So you don’tkeep an overview of all your projects,you ignore some of the areas of yourlife you should focus on, you avoiddrafting blueprints of positive futures,and you forget to connect back to thesource of the game to begin with—you.

Your world can’t be ignored, nor canit be completed. How do you unhookfrom the pulls and pressures of yourworld? It would be nice if you couldjust shut your door, or go into the gar-den, and the niggling things to do anddeal with just went away. Or, if youcould just get it all done, so there wasnothing left to contend with. Neither islikely to happen. Your freedom willnot come from trying to ignore all thestuff or by trying to complete every-thing—it requires truly detaching fromit. How? By getting it out of your headand reflecting on it appropriately.

Emptying psychic RAM. Much stressis the result of all implicit agreementskept in the mind and not captured, clar-ified, and organized. So, first do a “core

dump” of everything you have attentionon—personal, professional, little, or big—on paper (this may take three hours!)Decide what you intend to do about eachof them—the actions required—andpark the resulting inventory of concretethings to do in appropriate categories insome personal management systemyou can trust to remind you of all thatat the right times. You’ll come awaywith an incredible rush of releasedenergy and inspiration. Why? You rene-gotiated all your agreements with your-self, so you can feel okay about whatyou’re not doing! You stop the infiniteloops in your psyche caused by situa-tions you’ve told yourself need to bedifferent but which lack the decisionabout what you need to do about it.

Incomplete commitments like thosekept only in the mind reside in psychicRAM—a memory space that has nosense of past or future. It all feels like itshould be happening now, which cre-ates stress, because you can only doone thing at a time, not all of them.RAM must be emptied to facilitate the

release of stored creative energy.The journal as a spiritual in-basket.

Just making a free-form list of all thethings you have attention on is a formof journaling and is momentarily liber-ating. On the most mundane level, it iscapturing all the “oh, yeah, I need to . . .”stuff—phone calls to make, things to getat the store, things to talk to your bossabout. It isn’t an exciting experience—just a necessary one to clear the deck.Instead of cluttering your nice leather-bound notebook with “Call Ana Mariare: her day camp suggestions,” keep anotepad at hand to collect such details.

I often use my journal for core-dump-ing the subtler things rattling around inmy psyche. It’s like doing a current-reality inventory of the things that havemy attention—the big blips on myinternal radar. These can be either nega-tive or positive, like relationship issues,career decisions, or unexpected eventsthat create disturbances or opportuni-ties. Sometimes this is the best way tostart when nothing else is flowing—justlist “what is” on your internal land-scape. Something healing and positivehappens when you express outwardlyand reflect inwardly on that expression.

Spiritual disciplines teach that neu-tral observation is the first gate to realinner awareness and enlightenment.And when I just observe—what I feel,what I think, what I’m doing—it shiftsme more into the one who is not myemotions, my thoughts, or my body.There is no better tool than my journalto move me into that perspective. Thethings that distract me lose their grip.

Explore the inner world. There’s moregold to mine in those worlds whereinthe meaning is found for everythingyou do. This is the bigger game, yourreal job. A conversation with your high-er Self is wanting to be had. Innerawareness is waiting to be disclosed.Intelligent creativity is in store.

Again, when you feel overwhelmed,do a “core dump” by listing everythingyou have attention on in your life andwork. Go through all the items, decidewhat actions you’ll take on them, andpark the results in a trusted system tokeep it out of your head. Keep a notepad with you to capture new ideas.

Once psychic RAM is clear, ask whatdeeper conversation wants to happen, tobe expressed, and to be resolved. Give ita voice and notice where it goes, andwhen it’s complete. Balance going withthe flow and letting go and listening. PE

David Allen is CEO of David Allen & Company. Visit www.DavidAllenGTD.com.

ACTION: Keep a daily journal.

by David Allen

EXPLORING WHO YOU REALLYare while expressing what

you’re really about is the pro-mise of a journal. But along the way,those same creative urges may get youinvolved in many things to do, distract-ing you from your energy source. Youcreate relationships, career, family, home—each bringing an endless stream ofwoulds, coulds, and shoulds.

Your visions created your life, butnow your life is blinding your vision. Isthere a way to play this game, to keepit all in balance, to stay connected to thesource of your creativity, continue toexpand its expression, and not let theresults trip up the process?

Yes. But it’s not free, and you don’tget there by denying the world andyour engagement with it. You mustcapture and manage the attachmentsand agreements with yourself that cre-ate dissonance, and offload and objecti-fy what has your attention. You can dothings to assist in detaching yourselffrom the details of life, so you can getto the more rewarding experience ofyour journal. And also the act of jour-naling provides a key to that freedom.

Your business is not your busyness.Are you too busy to get to your jour-nal? Careful, because being busy is notthe same thing as tending to business.Many people use their attachment tonervous activity as a way to avoid whatthey need to be about. And often thatmore important work is best accessedand managed from the perspectivesand shifts in consciousness that thejournaling process fosters.

Your work exists at multiple levels.From lowest to the loftiest, you haveyour day-to-day actions, the projectsyou’re trying to complete with them,the areas of responsibility you try tomaintain at your standards, outcomesyou want to achieve in the future, thelifestyle expression you want toachieve, and your purpose in life.

Each can rightly be called your work.But the volume, speed, and intensity atthe lower levels can easily grab yourfocus and cause you to lose the per-spective required to keep you sane. It iseasy to sacrifice the higher orders ofbusiness for the lower. You have so

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Inside TimeS t a r t k e e p i n g a j o u r n a l .

M E N TA L • J O U R N A L

• Police yourself. Are you accountablefor your actions, even if nobody holdsyou accountable—or catches you? Yes!So police yourself. On the road of life,choose accountability at every turn.• Look to yourself—first. When trouble

arises, ask four questions: “What is theproblem?” “What am I doing—or notdoing—to contribute to the problem?”What will I do differently to help solvethe problem?” and “How will I beaccountable for the result?”

Personal accountability is sorely lack-ing—and urgently needed—in our soci-ety. Wait no longer—do it now. Chooseaccountability and own your success atwork and in life. PE

Linda Galindo is a consultant specializing in individualand leadership accountability and the author of The 85%Solution. Visit www.lindagalindo.com.

ACTION: Take these three steps.

by Linda Galindo

HOW MUCH OF YOUR SUC-cess is up to you—your

choices, your actions, yourbehaviors—versus outside conditions?

If you think that you’re at least 85percent responsible for your success—and that 15 percent depends on the waythe wind blows—you can get the resultsyou desire. If not, you likely blame yourproblems and failures—big or small,personal or professional—on other peo-ple, circumstances, or bad luck.

Accountability is not only a mind-set—it is also a skill-set that you canlearn by taking three steps:

1. Responsibility. This is not some-thing you do—it’s a way of thinking andbeing. You believe that success or failureis up to you, even if you work in a teamor are blindsided by unforeseen circum-stances. You own your commitment toa result before you even take action.• Be responsible “either way.” Be respon-

sible when things go well, and whenthey don’t. When you take on a project,be 100 percent responsible for the out-come. Own it 100 percent—good or bad—with no wiggle room.• Recognize your power. You have the

power to be 100 percent responsible, butyou may not realize—or admit—thatyou have the power to manage your lifeand career. Sure, you can give that poweraway, but that is a choice—it doesn’thappen without your permission.• Deal with what is. It doesn’t matter

what should have happened—it matterswhat is. That saves you the trouble offiguring out who’s to blame. How doyou want to react to the situation that is?

2. Self-empowerment. By empower-ing yourself, you take the actions—andthe risks—to achieve a result and getwhat you want. Rather than waiting forsomeone to declare you empowered orgive you that one lucky break, you stepoutside your comfort zone, make thingshappen, and answer for the outcomes.• Manage expectations. Be clear about

expectations—what you expect and alsowhat’s expected of you. Ask questions,make agreements, and clarify things inwriting—or else you miss expectations.• Take back your time. “No” is an empow-

ering word. Say no to the unimportant.Also, get rid of your to-do list (trackprojects and deadlines on a calendar);

by Michael Angier

IF YOU’RE NOT ACHIEVINGyour goals or reaching

them as easily or quickly asyou wish, use this checklist to seewhere you might be missing out.

1. Not knowing what you want.Know what you want to achieve. Ifyou only know what you don’t want,that’s where your focus andenergy go. Clearly define yourobjectives—your goals needto be written, specific, easy tounderstand, and measurable.

2. Lack of focus. If you lackfocus, take on too much, havetoo many or conflicting goals,fill your life with busy thingsor operate inconsistently, youwill likely fail. You can achieve any-thing you want—with the right focus.

3. Not enough reasons. Reasons comefirst, answers second. With strong rea-sons, you can accomplish anything youdesire. Success demands passion. Whenyour why is strong, the how will come.And your desire will sustain youthrough challenges and obstacles.

4. Distractions. Often you get dis-tracted by other things, by bright shinyobjects. You begin one goal, then startchasing another. Your next big idea canderail your current project. Work on nomore than three goals—and take dailyaction toward them with discipline.

5. Lack of belief—in yourself or in

your goal. Believe in yourself. Expect towin. Low belief causes you to give up,never begin, or take shortcuts that sab-otage your success. To feel worthy ofsuccess, read great books and hang outwith people who help you be your best.

6. Deficient knowledge. A worthygoal requires learning new things. Findout what you need to learn to getwhere you want to go. Don’t let lack ofknowledge keep you from starting. Ifyou wait until you know it all, you’llnever begin. Start where you are andbuild the bridge as you walk on it.

7. Insufficient skills. Identify skillsyou need and start gaining proficiencyin them. Enhancing skills pays big divi-

dends. You might find a teammember who has the skillsyou lack—enabling you tofocus on what you excel in.

8. Not enough money. Themain reason you miss a goalis rarely money—it’s usuallyan idea problem. With goodideas and a tenacious spirit,you can get the funding.

9. Low energy. To have the energyand stamina to win, you need to takecare of your body. Get adequate rest,eat the right foods, and refrain fromcareless and unsafe behavior.

10. Inadequate or no support. Askfor help and know where to turn to getit. Bring in talent and resources fromothers and make it a win-win situation.

The space between where you are nowand where you want to be is the Gap.Identify your gap and close it by work-ing with passion and consistency. PE

Michael Angier is CIO (Chief Inspiration Officer) ofSuccessNet, helping people and businesses prosper.Visit www.SuccessNetDiamonds.com.

ACTION: Avoid these common causes of failure.

M E N TA L • ACCOUNTABILITY

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Achieve Your GoalsAvoid the 10 causes of failure.

85% SolutionOwning your success.

M E N TA L • G O A L S

resist over-scheduling (you can’t cram12 hours of work into eight hours, sostop trying); and estimate realistically(everything takes longer than you think).• Sing your own praises. No one may

ever notice how much you contribute andgive you the recognition you deserve.Take stock of your personal talents andtriumphs and let the higher-ups knowwho you are and what you contribute.

3. Personal accountability. This meansanswering for outcomes of your choices,actions, and behaviors. You stop assign-ing blame and making excuses. You takethe fall when your choices cause problems.• Tell the truth. Everybody messes up

sometimes. Lying about it or trying tocover it up always make it worse—noexceptions. Save yourself some time:Don’t tell untruths. Nobody believesthem anyway—not even you.

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from the event (sad, angry, frustrated,hurt). Taking responsibility for youremotions, record what you are sayingto yourself to make you feel what youfelt. Acknowledge that only you canupset you. No one and nothing elsehas that power (unless you allow it).Create a more truthful, realistic orhelpful perception that builds yourconfidence and moves you to positiveaction. You’ll likely need to repeat your new thought until you believe itand move to action.

Path 2: Emotional techniques (feel-ing your way to confidence). Emotionalapproaches center on confidence-build-ing tactics that don’t depend on words.These techniques are effective for manypeople. One example is to use music to

change your confidence and mood. In-stead of listening to the blues when youare sad, listen to music that inspiresyou, gets you up dancing, and gets youfocused. Music hits a primal part of youthat words can’t always reach. BuildCDs or IPod playlists of songs thatpump you up and use music to controland channel your emotions. Make a listof confidence-inducing music. Themusic you select really doesn’t matter.What matters is that it hits that part ofyour brain and heart that may be hid-den from thoughts and words.

Path 3: Action techniques (behavingyour way to confidence). Procrastina-tion can destroy confidence. Procrasti-nating difficult or fearful activitiesinfuses messages of inadequacy andfailure. When you face fears, you buildconfidence. Of course, there are manyways to face fears. You can dive rightin or dip in slowly. If you are avoidingsomething that you know you need toface, either be a dipper or a diver. Youcan dip by building a list of gradual

actions that will help you slowly andmethodically deal with the situation, oryou can just dive in and keep facing ituntil you change the situation. Avoiderscreate helplessness in their lives; dip-pers and divers build confidence.

Path 4: Relational techniques (relat-ing your way to confidence). The peopleyou associate with impact your confi-dence. When you are surrounded bypeople with negative attitudes andenergy, your confidence can be erodedover time. When you surround yourselfwith positive friends and family, youcan bring out your best. To decide whoyou want in your life, ask yourself thesequestions: Who drains me and how canI limit my time with him or her? Whoinspires me and builds my confidence?Who is a great problem-solver? Whopulls out the best in me? Who couldhold me accountable to my toughestactions and goals?

Since energy is contagious, sur-rounding yourself with negative peoplewill drain you! It is worthy to helpstruggling people, but do it as a missionand only help them to the level thatthey are willing to also help themselves.Also make sure you surround yourselfwith people who help and positivelyimpact you.

Path 5: Spiritual techniques (livingyour way to confidence). Spiritual pathsto confidence include religiousapproaches such as prayer or secularapproaches such as focusing on yourmission. When you are off of your mis-sion, your confidence will suffer. Whenyou’re centered on your purpose, noth-ing can destroy your confidence. Whatis your noble calling? Why are you onearth? How consistent are your actionsto this belief? In the first half of yourlife, you may focus on success. In thesecond half, you focus on purpose, mis-sion, and significance. Only you havethe ability to betray your mission. Taketime weekly to reflect on the consisten-cy between what you believe and whatyou do. Make sure they are in align-ment and that you are living the lifethat you want to lead!

When you address mental, emotion-al, behavioral, relational and spiritualapproaches to confidence, you’ll have awell-rounded self-perception—andyour actions will show it. Like a personwith a well-toned body, you’ll walkaround proud of yourself for being inthe best emotional shape of your life! PE

Tim Ursiny is the founder of Advantage Coaching &Training and author of The Confidence Plan, Tough TimesTactics, and The Top Performer’s Guide to Attitude. Visitadvantagecoaching.com, Drtim@advantagecoaching.com.

ACTION: Take these five paths to confidence.

by Tim Ursiny

WHEN YOU DO CIRCUITtraining at the gym,

you move from station tostation to work out different musclegroups. This gives you a well-roundedwork out and a well-chiseled physique.If you just work out your biceps andnever work out any other part of yourbody, your arms may look great, butyour legs and stomach might look ridic-ulous in comparison. It is better to workout various muscles in various ways.

Take Five PathsThe same principles apply when it

comes to building your confidence. Todevelop unbreakable confidence, youneed to take five different paths:

Path 1: Mental techniques (thinkingyour way to confidence). Cognitive theories of psychology address thedestructive and irrational things youcan say to yourself that hurt your per-formance and happiness. Your percep-tions (self-talk) impact confidence,emotions, and behavior. Negativethoughts can create insecurity whilepowerful rational thoughts focused onaction can create wonderful results.

Beliefs that hold you back frombeing your best are: There is nothing Ican do. I need other’s love to feelworthwhile. I am sure that bad thingsare going to happen. Failure is terrible.I can’t deal with this.

These are not statements of fact, butchosen beliefs that you form out of yourperceptions and keep you off-centeredand performing at less than your poten-tial. Examples of more helpful thoughtsinclude: Most challenges bring opportu-nities, and it serves me better to look forthose. This is a chance to help othersduring a difficult time. I am going toprepare for whatever the future holds. Ican learn from every mistake I make.Through focus and tenacity, I can tacklechallenges in my life.

With practice you can eliminate inse-cure thoughts and replace them withconfidence. You can learn to changeyour self-talk and master your thoughts.Here is a sample process: Write thefacts about the situation—don’t recordyour interpretation of the facts, but justthe truthful data. Write what you felt

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E M O T I O N A L • C O N F I D E N C E

and attention to these people and things.Give the greatest part of your time

and energy to your highest priorities. Ifrequently communicate to my wife myawareness of all the traits and character-istics in her that I so much love, respect,appreciate, and admire. We all want tobe seen, understood, and appreciated. Istrive to make my wife feel visible to me.

I also think about the things I love andenjoy. I do not take anything good in mylife for granted. I know if I love someone,the time to express it is today. If I valuesomething, the time to honor it is today. PE

Nathaniel Branden is the author of The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. Visit www.NathanielBranden.com.ACTION: Express your love each day.

who feels unworthy and unlovable isnot ready for romantic love.

What I feel for my grandchildren isa different kind of love. What it has incommon with romantic love, however,is that I see in my grandchildren valuesand traits that touch my heart.

Apart from what I feel for my wife—who is the highest value in my life—writing is my paramount passion. Idevote much of my time and energy towriting. This has to do with living myvalues, not simply professing them.

You ask, “How do I bring more love intomy life?” Focus on who and what youcare most about—on who and what youmost respect and admire. Give time

by Nathaniel Branden

YOU MAY WONDER, HOW canI bring more love into my

life? First, let’s be clear onwhat we mean by love. Perhaps at notime in history has the word love beenused so promiscuously as it is today.

We are told constantly that we mustlove everyone—including people we’venever met. Just as a currency, in becom-ing more inflated, has less purchasingpower, so words through inflation andindiscriminate use are progressivelyemptied of meaning.

You can feel benevolence and goodwilltoward people you do not know or knowwell, but not love. By its nature, loveentails selection, discrimination. Love isyour response to what represents yourhighest values—a response to distinctivecharacteristics possessed by some peo-ple but not by all. If you were to askyour lover why he or she cares for you,consider your reaction if told, Why notlove you? It doesn’t matter whom I love. Itmight as well be you.” Not very inspiring!

I find the advocacy of universal lovepuzzling. Not everyone condemns sex-ual promiscuity, but I’ve never heardanyone hail it as a virtue. But spiritualpromiscuity? Is that a virtue? Why? Isthe spirit less important than the body?

My impression is that people whotalk of loving everyone are expressing awish or a plea that everyone love them.To take love seriously, to treat it withrespect and distinguish it from generalbenevolence or goodwill, is to appreci-ate that it is a unique experience possi-ble between some people but not all.

Consider the case of romantic love.When two adults with spiritual andpsychological affinities encounter eachother, and if they have evolved beyondstruggling to make the relationship work—romantic love can become a pathway,not only to sexual and emotional hap-piness but also to higher growth. It canbecome a context for a continuing en-counter with the self, through the inter-action with another self. Two people,each dedicated to personal growth, canprovide much stimulus to each other.

But such a possibility presupposesself-esteem. The first love affair youmust consummate successfully is withyourself; only then are you ready for arelationship with another. A person

by Linnda Durré

BY LEARNING TO BE MOREassertive, you can rid your-

self of childhood restrictions,fear, hesitation, and social misinformation.Know the difference between being aggress-ive—bullying, yelling, screaming, intim-idation—and being assertive—being dip-lomatic, strong, factual, clear, and firmin resolving interpersonal difficulties.Stop being a martyr, victim, ordoormat. Avoid blaming otherpeople for your situation. Takeresponsibility and stand up foryourself to get what you needand want from others in a car-ing, direct way. Be positive,identify faulty behavior, andfocus on a win/win solution.

Take these eight steps:1. State the problem. Use the

Sandwich Technique—start with a posi-tive compliment about the person, thengo directly to the problem and givefeedback stating it clearly and givingexamples of the toxic or faulty behaviorand how you want it to change, andend on a positive note of what you’dlike to have happen: “Jack, I’ve noticedlately that your work isn’t in on time—that’s not like you. What’s wrong. Isthere anything I can do to help you?”

2. State your feelings. Say how theperson’s behavior makes you feel. Usewords like frustrated, angry, and annoyed.Be specific. Avoid accusations and blame:“When your work isn’t done on time, itslows all of us. When you don’t give meadvance notice, I can’t make other plans.When you don’t tell me, I feel cut out ofthe loop, powerless, and frustrated.”

3. Offer solutions. Give the personoptions for their behavior and tell howmuch better it would be when behav-ior changes: “Do you need an assistantor partner to share the workload? Arethere problems that I can take care of?”

4. Give an ultimatum. If the situa-tion doesn’t improve, issue an ultima-tum. State what you intend to do ifcompliance isn’t achieved: “If yourwork continues to be late, you may bedemoted or fired. I’ll need to report it.”

5. Look and listen. Hear the person’sresponse. Listen to what he’s saying andhow he’s saying it. Observe body lan-guage. Know what’s said between thelines. Use active listening; paraphrase

what you hear: “You thoughtyou could correct the prob-lem without coming to me.”

6. Dialogue. Have an hon-est discussion, listen, don’tinterrupt, and comment oneach thing the person says—and be prepared to hear himremark on what you say andrespond: “I’m not here to

blame you, but to remedy this—to finda win-win solution.”

7. Resolution. Decide on an actionplan and agree on it, in writing: “So,Jack, our agreement is that I’ll arrangean assistant for you to help you getyour reports in on time.”

8. Follow up. Send a letter or emailsummarizing the discussion and deci-sion and copy all who might be affect-ed. You might hand-deliver it. Add: “Ifyou have any questions or additions tothis memo, please respond in writing.”If you put it in writing, you’re covered.

These steps empower you in deal-ing with toxic people and situations. PE

Linnda Durré, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, consul-tant, trainer, speaker, columnist, and author of Sur-viving the Toxic Workplace (McGraw-Hill). EmailLinnda.Durre@gmail.com or call 407-739-8620.

ACTION: Start standing up for yourself.

E M O T I O N A L • L O V E

1 0 w w w . L e a d e r E x c e l . c o m P e r s o n a l E x c e l l e n c e

Valuing LoveDo not take it for granted.

Assertiveness PowerHow to stand up for yourself.

S O C I A L • A S S E R T I V E N E S S

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to your list. Don’t be tempted by all ofthe other products in a store, and don’twander around. Get in, get what youneed, and get out to ensure that youdon’t pick up things that will throwyour finances out of whack.

Watch your food budget. Dine outless and monitor the groceries you have.Learn to cook. Try to keep a healthyinventory of groceries at home. Thiswill minimize trips to the store and theneed to impulsively dine out becauseyour cupboard is bare. Do most of yourshopping through discount stores thatoffer low prices for buying in bulk, orgrocery stores that offer bulk purchases.Saving on food will help you put moremoney toward paying off your debt andsetting money aside for investments.

Become more energy efficient. Makeyour home energy efficient by addinginsulation and weather-stripping, install-ing water-saving devices, and reducinguse of electrical appliances. Many utilitycompanies will do a free energy reviewof your home and suggest money-savingideas. Thanks to tax law changes, youmay also qualify for Residential EnergyCredits. Energy improvements—such asadding insulation, installing energy-effi-cient windows and doors, installing solarpanels—are eligible for a credit rate of upto 30 percent of the cost up to a limit of$1,500 for qualifying improvements.

Cut your insurance costs. Don’t over-spend on insurance by carrying coveragethat’s unnecessary or that covers smallpotential losses. Coverage of small losses,such as $100 or $200, isn’t useful. Takehigh deductibles on your insurance pol-icies—a much as you can afford in theevent of a loss. Also, shop around. Ratesvary greatly among insurers. Of course,an insurer’s quality of service and finan-cial stability are important. Ask insurersand agents to provide financial ratingsfor the policies you’re considering.

It won’t be easy getting out of debt,and you can’t do it overnight. It takesconstant dedication, but has a great pay-off in the end. Whenever you feel likegiving in, think about the benefits ofbeing out of debt: the money you caninvest will mushroom into substantialsavings that enable you to get muchmore for your money. Best of all is thepeace of mind you feel. Debt is emotion-ally crippling, a prison of your ownmaking. Getting out of debt is your tick-et to true freedom, and that’s a great giftto give yourself and your family. PE

Eric Tyson is a best-selling personal finance bookauthor with five national bestsellers including PersonalFinance For Dummies (Wiley) and Investing ForDummies. Visit www.erictyson.com.

ACTION: Get out of debt this year.

F I N A N C I A L • D E B T- F R E E

reducing your spending, taxes, borrow-ing, and insurance costs and by boost-ing your rate of savings and investmentreturns, you can turn your life around.

Get rid of your four-wheeled debt.Don’t define necessities by what othershave. A new car is not a necessity. Yes,you may need a car to get to work, butthere are far less expensive used carsthat will make it to your office! If youtake out a loan to buy a car that youcan’t afford, you’ll have great difficultysaving money and meeting your goals.Moreover, you’ll feel stressed all thetime—a poor trade-off for the (short-lived) “new car smell.” There are manyperfectly good cars out there that arewithin your budget and that you canpay for with cash. And trading in yourwallet-busting option for one of thosewill help you free up money that youcan use to pay off other debts or investin your future. Think what it would belike to save $500 a month rather thanpay off the loan on your expensive car.

Not having a car pay-ment is liberating.

Start making your pur-chases based on need, notemotion. It’s easy to givein to all of those adstelling you how muchyou “need” that new car,expensive gym member-ship, or trendy outfit.Marketers play on insecu-rities, fears, and guilt andsuggest that you can feel

better about yourself by buying theirproducts. You can’t overcome spendingand consumer debt until you recognizethese pressures and how they corruptyour buying decisions. The goal of con-sumer product marketing is to per-suade and cajole you into buying whatthey’re selling. Planning what you canand can’t spend comes in handy whenyou want to buy something that isn’t anecessity. If a product is too expensivefor your budget, you don’t need it—nomatter how much you might want it.

Research before you enter the stores.Before shopping for necessities that arenot everyday purchases—say, a newrefrigerator—do some research to iden-tify brands and models that are goodvalues. Check various retailers andcompare prices. When you shop, stick

by Eric Tyson

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKINGforward to in 2010?

Buying your first home?Sending your last kid off to college? Orobsessing over your personal debt? Itmay feel like “Resolution Impossible,”but if you follow my advice, you’llremember 2010 as the year you finallytook control of your financial future.

If you carry too much consumerdebt—if you have credit card debt orauto loans—take some solace in the factthat you’re not alone and that manyothers have overcome these hurdles.Consumer debt is not okay. It can dam-age your personal relationships andmental well-being, not to mention thestability of your financial future.

To improve your financial health in2010, observe these tips:

Partake in a little self-reflection. Amisaligned mindset toward spendingand shopping can severely affect yourfinancial and personal well-being. If you have a com-pulsive spending problem,ask yourself: Do I feel guiltyabout shopping? Is my shop-ping causing financial trouble?Is my shopping, spending, andaccumulated debt leading tofeelings of helplessness, anger,confusion, fear, or depression?Do the act of shopping andinteractions with salespeoplegive me a feeling of worth,importance, and control? You can’t getrid of your debt until you figure outwhat makes you compulsively spend.

Make a plan and stick to it. The rea-son why many of your resolutions failis that you state the thing you want toimprove but never create a plan for get-ting from point A to point B. Planningyour financial future is like planning avacation. You’re organizing your moneyand time so that you get to do all thethings you want when you get there.Planning your finances doesn’t have tobe a long, complicated, dreary chore—you can enjoy the process. Withoutgoals, your finances will simply reflectthe history and disorganization of yourlife. So, set some goals. Decide the bestways to make the most of your moneyand work on reaching those goals. By

Be Debt-free in 2010G e t o u t o f d e b t a n d s t a r t s a v i n g .

could drive this car? Besides, that won’thappen to me. I’m a better driver!”

That’s what so many of us do whenwe see the undeniable pain experiencedby people who achieve fame and stillinsist that its benefits are worth the cost.We ignore the compelling stories told bythe handful of people who have livedthrough the nightmares of fame and warnagainst its dangers, and pay attentioninstead to those fame-addicted celebri-ties who keep getting up off the groundand coming back for more misery.

This poses a real problem, especiallywhen young people start to believe thatfame is itself a goal—an accomplish-ment worth almost any risk or sacrifice.

So what are we to do? We can exhortone another to avoid the temptation offame and encourage each other to valuethose things that prove to be real sources

of lasting peace and joy. That may seemlike a monumental task, but I have oneidea about how to get things started.

I would like People magazine—andall other celebrity magazines—to startprinting a big disclaimer on its cover:Warning! The people featured in thismagazine are not to be envied or emu-lated; in fact, they should be pitied andprayed for because their fame is really aterrible burden and greatly increasestheir chances of becoming miserable.

We can all do our best to rememberthis whenever we are tempted to wishwe were like the smiley and beautifulpeople we see and read about. Instead,maybe we will decide to thank God forthe enduring gifts He gives us. PE

Pat Lencioni is CEO of The Table Group. Visitwww.tablegroup.com.

ACTION: Seek not for fame but for peace and joy.

by Patrick Lencioni

AFEW MONTHS AGO, AWASHin all the news about

Michael Jackson’s troubledlife and drug-related death and the sim-ilarities between him and Elvis Presley, Istarted thinking about the dangers of fame.And when the travails of Jon and Kate(of the Plus Eight TV show) becameknown, I drafted an essay on that topic.But I got busy with other priorities andI set it aside. With the recent revelationsabout Tiger Woods, I decided to finish it.

Now, I have no desire to indulge inthese real life tragedies, and I have noright to judge the people involved—weall have problems. But I can’t help butthink that their fame was related to, ifnot the biggest cause of, their problems.I get more convinced of this every time Igo through the check-stand at the storeand see how many famous actors, musi-cians, celebrities, and athletes experiencemore than their fair share of suffering.In fact, I’ve decided that fame is actual-ly a very good predictor of misery.

This should not be a surprise. Fame isa lonely proposition, fraught with bene-fits that prove to be temporary and seemto crowd out the only thing that reallymatters—love. When people who achievefame begin to feel the emptiness of theirsituation, they can’t help but wonderwhat is wrong with them. Troubled bythis, they usually seek to fill their empti-ness with greater gusto, starting a spiralthat leads them inevitably to misery.

In spite of all the evidence of this pat-tern, we see a growing obsession withbecoming famous. Consider the prolifer-ation of reality TV shows, celebrity gos-sip shows, talent shows, and 24-hour“news” channels, not to mention all thenewsstand magazines. In spite of all theevidence of its harm, fame is as alluringas ever. This is so astoundingly, insanelyillogical that it calls for an analogy.

Imagine that a trendy and expensivenew car hits the market and that it isknown to easily flip over and cause seri-ous injury, even death, to its drivers. Now,imagine people doing anything they could—borrowing great sums of money, mort-gaging their homes, cashing in their kids’college fund—to buy the car. And whenthey’re asked why they would do some-thing so self-destructive, they look atyou like you’re crazy and say “Do youknow how many people wish they

by Eric Adler

APILLAR IS A FIRM UPRIGHTsupport for a super-

structure. To get ahead inlife, you need to build a secure super-structure that has three support pillars:

Pillar 1: Get out of your own way.You tend to get into a comfortable rut.You know what you’ll be doing each day,week, and year. Within certain guide-lines, your life is predicable and stable;however, these are not successfactors. Risk-taking and insta-bility are keys to going frommediocre to stellar. It’s toughto move out of a comfortablesituation into one of insecurityand unknown turns, but this iswhat you have to do to succeed—get out of your own way by takingsmall steps toward a larger goal. Fourmajor areas make up your comfortzone: geographical—where you live,work, and play; personal—your friends,family, and co-workers; recreational—your entertainment and hobbies; andmental—what and how you think.

The trick to expanding your comfortzone is to not change all areas at once.Try one or two at a time, get used to that,and move on to others. Doing too much,too soon will send you back to your com-fort rut. Expanding does not mean get-ting rid of what’s there. You can makenew friends and not abandon old ones.You can add a second hobby and still en-joy the first. This is an addition process.

Pillar 2: Know where you want to goand how to get there. It’s not easy to setmeaningful goals. If you lose sight ofwhat there is to strive after, your listends up looking like everyone else’sresolutions: lose weight, exercise, andspend more time with the family. Thesehalf-hearted goals are made in January,forgotten by February. When you setgoals, set your own goals: don’t let oth-ers decide for you. If a goal isn’t mean-ingful to you, you’ll lack the enthusiasmneeded to achieve it. Make your goalsconcrete and specific: Don’t say youwant to make more money. Set an exactamount and a firm time for makingthe goal. Know what effort is required:If you don’t know what you need to

do in order to reach a goal,it’s a wish not a goal. Be clearabout how much energy,time, and resources will beneeded to succeed.

Pillar 3: Stop talking andtake action. Now comes thetime for action. But don’t

announce your goals—telling othersonly invites people who will tell youhow hard it will be or why it can’t bedone. Keep your goals to yourself toavoid all the naysayers. Never movebackwards: Don’t let setbacks stop you.If things are temporarily going wrong,don’t use this as an excuse to retreat.Analyze what went amiss and what isneeded to get back on track. Rewardyourself along the way: Break a biggoal into many mini-goals. Once youachieve a mini-goal, reward yourself.

Establish these three pillars and youcan achieve anything you desire. PE

Eric Adler is a trainer and mastercoach. Visitwww.asc12.com or e-mail adler@asc12.com.

ACTION: Apply these pillars to your finances.

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Three PillarsThey support success.

Danger of FameBe content with your gifts.

F I N A N C I A L • P I L L A R S

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tion to someone if that person is welldressed. And, if you’d ever watchedactors at their first dress rehearsal,you’d be convinced of the power ofthe right costume to powerfullyimpact what the wearer feels.

Dressing for success doesn’t neces-sarily mean that you have to wear asuit to work. Many organizations havea more casual dress code. But it doesmean that whatever you wear shouldhelp you make the statement that youare a competent professional.

2. Maintain positive eye contact. Eyecontact is most effective when bothparties feel its intensity is appropriatefor the situation. This may differ withintroverts/extroverts, men/women, orbetween different cultures. But, in gen-

eral, greater eye contact—especially inintervals lasting four to five seconds—almost always leads to greater liking.

Looking at someone’s eyes trans-mits energy and indicates interest. Aslong as you are looking at me, I believethat I have your full attention. In mybook, The Nonverbal Advantage, I offera simple way to improve your likeabil-ity: Whenever you greet a colleague,remember to look into her eyes longenough to notice what color they are.

3. Speak the body language of inclu-sion. Back-to-back doesn’t do it. Butbelly-to-belly—facing people directlywhen talking with them—does. Even aquarter turn away signals a lack of in-terest and makes the speaker shut down.

Remove barriers between you andthe other person. Take away thingsthat block your view. Move the phoneor stacks of paper on your desk. Betterstill, come out from behind your deskand sit next to the person.

Use palm-up hand gestures whenspeaking. Keeping your movementsrelaxed, using open arm gestures, and

showing the palms of your hands—allare silent signals of credibility and can-dor. Individuals with open gestures areperceived more positively and are morepersuasive than those with closed ges-tures (arms crossed, hands hidden orheld close to the body, etc.).

Synchronize your body language tomirror your partner’s. Subtly match hisstance, arm positions and facial expres-sions. You do this naturally with peopleyou genuinely like or agree with. It’s away of nonverbally signaling that youare connected and engaged.

4. Use your head. The next time youare trying to encourage the other personto speak more, nod your head usingclusters of three nods at regular inter-vals. People will talk three to four timesmore than usual when the listener nodsin this manner. You’ll be amazed at howthis nonverbal signal can trigger such apositive response.

Head tilting is another signal that youare interested and involved. As such,head tilts can be very positive cues whenyou want to send messages of empathyand understanding. But a tilted head isalso subconsciously processed as a sub-mission signal. (Dogs will tilt to showtheir necks in deference to a more domi-nant animal.) And in business negotia-tions with men, women—who tend tohead-tilt the most—should keep theirheads straight up in a more neutralposition.

5. Activate your smile power. A smileis an invitation, a sign of welcome. Itsays, “I’m friendly and approachable.”The brain prefers happy faces, recogniz-ing them more quickly than those withnegative expressions. In fact, a smile issuch an important signal to social inter-action that it can be recognized from300 feet—a football field away!

Smiling directly influences howother people respond to you. When yousmile at someone, they usually smile inreturn. And, because facial expressionstrigger corresponding feelings, the smileyou get back actually changes that per-son’s emotional state in a positive way.This one simple act will instantly andpowerfully increase your curb appeal.

We all want to do business with andwork for people who come across asfriendly, trustworthy, competent, confi-dent, and empathetic.

I can guarantee that if you improveyour curb appeal, you’ll be more suc-cessful in your service and career. PE

Carol Kinsey Goman, Ph.D., is an executive coach,keynote speaker, and author of The Nonverbal Advant-age. Call 510-526-1727, email CGoman@CKG.com, orvisit www.NonverbalAdvantage.com.

ACTION: Improve your appearance to be of service.

by Carol Kinsey Goman

I’VE LEARNED A FEW THINGSabout selling a house: much

depends on timing (econom-ic timing as well as the time of year youput the house on the market), locationis still paramount, and a property needscurb appeal—it needs to make a spe-cial, positive, and instant impressionwhen prospective buyers first see it.

In The Political Brain, author DrewWesten discusses the role of emotion inpolitics and the importance of personalcurb appeal in political campaigns:“One of the main determinants of elec-toral success is simply a candidate’scurb appeal. Curb appeal is the feelingvoters get when they ‘drive by’ a candi-date a few times on television and forman emotional impression.”

Personal curb appeal can be assessedquickly. Psychologists Nalini Ambadyand Bob Rosenthal conducted experi-ments involving “thin slices of behav-ior.” In one study, subjects watched a30-second clip of college teachers at thestart of a term and rated them on suchcharacteristics as accepting, active, com-petent, and confident. The results werestartling: raters accurately predictedhow students would evaluate thosesame teachers at the end of the course.

Personal curb appeal is also primari-ly a nonverbal process. When Ambadyand Rosenthal turned off the audio por-tion of the teachers’ video clip, so thatsubjects had to rely only on body lan-guage cues, the accuracy of their 30-sec-ond predictions remained just as high.

How’s your personal curb appeal?When your co-workers, clients, andpartners “drive by” you, how do youcome across? If you’d like to improve,apply these five tips:

1. Dress for success. Joyce is a suc-cessful educator and entrepreneur. Oneof the secrets of her success is the wayshe dresses. Even when traveling for avacation, Joyce is in a business suit andheels. Her motto: “Wear great clothes.You never know whom you’ll meet!”

When it comes to curb appeal, theway you dress matters. A lot. Clothinghas an effect on both the observer andthe wearer. It has been proven that peo-ple are more likely to give money(charitable donations, tips) or informa-

TITLE

Attractive ServiceI m p r o v e y o u r c u r b a p p e a l .

P R O F E S S I O N A L • A P P E A L

Meaning. My authentic commitment tomeaningful values and goals (will tomeaning) has enabled me to navigate,and discover the seeds of meaning with-in the permanent whitewater of change.

In the midst of permanent whitewater,your will to meaning—your core values orprinciples—lights the way.

Ask yourself: As you travel throughthe whitewater of life, what core valuesor principles guide your thoughts andactions? You must extend beyond your-self to fulfill more of yourself. PE

Alex Pattakos, Ph.D., is a keynote speaker, founder ofthe Center for Meaning, and author of Prisoners of OurThoughts (Berrett-Koehler). Visit www.prisonersofour-thoughts.com or email info@prisonersfourthoughts.com.

ACTION: Clarify your core values.

something of value than it did the having.Since, for me, self-fulfillment is alwaysmore important than material success, Ifind myself submerged in what ProfessorPeter Vaill terms the “permanent white-water” of change. I eventually learned thatyou can change without growing but youcan’t grow without changing.

Since writing this, I see that the white-water of change has been ever-present.When my book, Prisoners of Our Thoughts,was published, it started what has becomefor me a worldwide meaning ministry—one meaningful experience and oppor-tunity at a time. My book is based onthe wisdom of my mentor, Dr. ViktorFrankl, renown psychiatrist, Holocaustsurvivor, and author of Man’s Search for

by Larry Spears

SERVANT-LEADERS SHARE 10characteristics that you

too can develop:• Listening. Reinforce your verbal

skills by learning to listen intently toothers—listen receptively to what isbeing said and unsaid, seek to clarifythe message and intent, hear your owninner voice, and reflect on the meaning.• Empathy. Strive to under-

stand and empathize withothers, accepting and recog-nizing them for their specialand unique spirits. Assumethe good intentions of othersand do not reject them aspeople, even when you maynot accept certain behaviorsor performance standards.Become a skilled empathetic listener.• Healing. The ability to heal relation-

ships is a powerful force for transfor-mation and integration. Learn to excelat healing yourself and your relation-ships with others. Recognize that manypeople have broken spirits and sufferfrom emotional pain. Help make wholethose with whom you come in contact.• Awareness. Self-awareness helps you

to understand issues involving ethics,power, and values and to view mostsituations from a more integrated posi-tion. As Robert Greenleaf said, “Ableleaders are usually sharply awake andreasonably disturbed. They’re not seekersafter solace. They have inner serenity.”• Persuasion. Servant-leaders rely on

persuasion, rather than on coercion or

positional authority, in making deci-sions. They seek to convince others,rather than coerce compliance.• Conceptualization. Nurture your

ability to dream great dreams and thinkbeyond day-to-day realities. This requiresdiscipline and practice. Don’t be con-sumed by the need to achieve short-term operational goals—stretch to pro-vide the vision, and seek to balanceconceptual thinking with daily operations.• Foresight. The ability to foresee the

likely outcome of a situation is easy toidentify. You know foresight when youexperience it. Foresight enables you tounderstand the lessons from the past,the realities of the present, and thelikely consequences of a decision for

the future. It is deeply root-ed within the intuitive mind.• Stewardship. Peter Blockdefines stewardship as “hold-ing something in trust foranother” for the greatergood of society. Servant-leadership assumes first acommitment to serving theneeds of others. It empha-

sizes the use of openness and persua-sion, rather than control.• Growing people. Believe that people

have an intrinsic value beyond theirtangible contributions as workers anddo everything in your power to nur-ture their growth. Assist people to findpositions where they can best contribute.• Building community. Much has been

lost in recent history in the shift fromlocal communities to large institutionsas the primary shapers of human lives.Identify some means for building com-munity among those you work with.

I encourage you to cultivate these10 characteristics for yourself. PE

Larry C. Spears is President and CEO at The SpearsCenter for Servant-Leadership. www.spearscenter.org

ACTION: Cultivate these 10 traits.

Servant-LeadersT h e y s h a r e 1 0 t r a i t s .

by Alex Pattakos

AS YOU START THIS YEAR, Iinvite you to reflect

upon the meaning of yourlife and work, and focus on the thingsand people who matter the most to you.You may want to put last year behindyou with a good riddance sigh of relief.It was a difficult year. The economic cli-mate proved to be more of a perfectstorm; and, like a tsunami, it generatedmonstrous, destructive waves, causingmuch turbulence, fear, and insecurity.

No matter how bad 2009 may havebeen, you can view it through a mean-ing-centered lens, engage in soul-searching, seek guidance in advancingyour growth and development, andbuild a platform for planning a positivefuture. Reflecting on what matters—re-discovering and authentically re-com-mitting to the meaningful values andgoals that drive and sustain you—is ahealthy process that helps to define anddifferentiate your humanness. Whatbetter a time for such self-reflection andmeaning analysis, than when you expe-rience the start of a new decade?

Look back on your life and seewhere you were, what has changed,and what appears to have stayed thesame. For example, some 15 years ago,I wrote an article “Reflections of a(re)evolutionary” about my own life:

Time and experience tend to influencewhat seems worth having and doing. In mycase, however, these influences have beentempered by the fact that I’ve maintained aset of core values or principles to guide mythoughts and actions. They comprise thefoundation of my character and emanatefrom the essence of my being—my soul. Itis as if my growth and learning have spi-raled higher and higher over time. Withthe experience of viewing myself from adistance, I can now see more clearly thecontours of my life’s journey, with all ofits zigs and zags, in some orderly fashion.

My worth ethic has always centered onthe notion of service. More than 20 yearsago, I committed to causes greater thanmyself. To be of service to others to thoseless fortunate than I, became a calling, andthe opportunity to challenge the status quo,no matter how much conflict was involved,became a quest worth doing. In my “war onpoverty,” my notion of worthiness revolvedmore around the doing or experiencing of

S E R V I C E • VA L U E S

Service in 2010Reflect on your values .

S E R V I C E • T R A I T S

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WHY IS IT SO HARD TO CHANGE BEHAVIOR?Whether it’s stopping a bad habit, start-

ing a new diet or exercise program, learninga new skill, improving relationships, or com-municating better at work, change requiresthe right mindset. Having the right mindsetand a readiness for change are the best indi-cators to achieving success.

Even minor changes don’t come easy; im-proving yourself is not just a matter of wanti-ng something bad enough or trying harder—you must be prepared to face the challenges.

To accomplish your resolutions and reapthe rewards, follow this eight-step plan:

1. Awareness. Uncover what prevents youfrom achieving your objectives. Move pastyour self-deceptions, biases, and blind-spotsby seeking feedback from others and build-ing your self-awareness. Become aware ofwhat you need to do to reach your goal.

2. Motivation. Build an unyielding internalmotivation to change. Convert your broad de-sires or external incentives into specific bene-fits that have real, near-term meaning to you.

3. Belief. Remove any doubt that you canachieve your goal. Study former attempts andvisualize yourself succeeding. Plan aroundanticipated obstacles by having contingencyplans in place that can be easily deployed.

4. Incremental steps. Analyze the legiti-mate ways to reach your goal and select thebest approach. Devise a plan of action usingsmall steps that circumvent your resistanceto change. Embed elements of fun to makethe actions more appealing. Create realisticmilestones for measuring progress.

5. Time and energy. Determine how muchtime and energy your plan will require andhow you will free up that time and energy toeliminate the top excuses to change: “I don’thave the time” and “I’m just too tired.”

6. Initiation. Ensure the circumstances areoptimal when starting your self-improvementgoal. Don’t start a diet just before a vacation.

7. Others. Solicit the help of others. Buildyour support group. Find people who offeryou wise counsel, hold you accountable, andcelebrate milestone achievements with you.

8. Normalcy. Follow your plan. Stay focused.Take it a day at a time. Apply the new behaviordaily. Don’t let a trip or circumstance preventyou from following your plan. Apply yourselfuntil the new behavior becomes a habit. PE

Mike Hawkins is author of Activating Your Ambition and presi-dent of Alpine Link Corporation, a consulting firm. Visitwww.activatingyourambition.com and www.alpinelink.com.

ACTION: Try following these eight steps.

Personal transformationcan happen quickly, evenovernight, if you believeit can and have the right

motivation. The new Jim Carreymovie, based on Charles Dickens’A Christmas Carol, has rekindledinterest in the lessons we can learnfrom Ebenezer Scrooge, the miser-able miser who comes face-to-facewith the effects of his negativehabits and attitudes when ghostsshow him his past, present, andpotential future. After Scroogeencounters disturbing scenes inthe past and present, the ghost ofthe future transports him to hisgravestone. Spurred by this shock-ing rendezvous with his mortality,Scrooge exclaims: “I am not theman I was!” Indeed, he is trans-formed overnight. He awakens thenext morning a changed man!

You can project yourself intothe future and imagine what peo-ple are likely to say about youthrough the power of your imagi-nation. One way to maximize thepositive impact of this imaginaryexcursion is to write your owneulogy. This enlightening exercisewill help you jump-start and sus-tain positive change by establish-ing a clear blueprint for the lifeyou want to lead: what you wantto accomplish, what kind of per-son you aspire to be, and how youwant to be remembered. This eulo-gy exercise helps to focus the mindon long-term goals and on bigquestions about your life’s pur-pose. The sooner you write youreulogy, the better. Do it now!

Your written eulogy serves as apowerful mission statement foryour life. But the eulogy you writetoday isn’t etched in stone—youcan always edit it, add new goals,or remove things that no longerapply. Just get something on paperthat reflects your long-term goals,heartfelt values, and deepest prin-ciples. Those things don’t changemuch over time.

It’s never too late to change,and change can happen overnight.There’s no time like the present toput the past into perspective andproject yourself into the future bywriting your eulogy. So, clarify

what’s important to you and set yourlife’s course in the direction you wantit to take—before it’s too late.—Matthew Cossolotto, www.Ovations.com

February is Valentine’smonth, a time when wecelebrate love. While theholiday focuses on roman-

tic love, there is so much more tolove than romance. What we callromantic love often gives way topain, while true love gives wayonly to healing and freedom.

You have to dig deep into yourheart to discover your truth, live it,and end up with what you want.A Course in Miracles tells us: “A hap-py outcome to all things is sure.”That may seem hard to believe ifyou fear that if you do not controlevery detail of your life, and per-haps the lives of others, things willfall apart. But when you trust theprocess, things usually fall together.

At some point, you must decidewhich is more powerful: love orfear. If you do not agree with thedire belief that things are bad andgetting worse, you do not inherit itsresults. You have the power to livein a love-based universe, evenwhile others pander to fear.

Gandhi said, “The pure love of onesoul can offset the hatred of millions.”I saw this principle demonstratedwhen I watched a video of MotherTeresa, who, during a war in Beirut,decided to go into the ravaged cityand rescue a group of children froma hospital. When she told the mediathat she was entering the city, thewarring factions declared a cease-fire. Once the children were outsidethe city, the soldiers began shoot-ing again. Behold the power of onepure act of love to silence a war.

When you have a choice betweenfear and love, step back and ask,“What would love do here?” You’lllikely see fresh options. It takes twopeople in fear to keep a conflictgoing. When one decides to givelove rather than attack, everythingchanges. It takes two people tofight, but only one to end the fight.

Chose to deny the ranting of fearand act instead on the quieter butmore powerful voice of true love.—Alan Cohen, www.alancohen.com

GOALGETTERSCharacter

Service

Physical

Mental

Career

FinancialSocial

PersonalCOACH

P e r s o n a l E x c e l l e n c e w w w . L e a d e r E x c e l . c o m 1 5

Resolutions You Can KeepSteps to a more rewarding year.by Mike Hawkins

It all starts with energy. Energy createsmotion, motion creates action, actioncreates results, results create achieve-ment and confidence, and self-confi-dence creates the mindset that allowsyou to help others fashion their destiny.

You might also try doing the oppo-site of what you would normally do.Open your mind to new things. Thiscan produce unbelievable ideas. If youdon’t play sports, shoot some hoop. Ifyou hate to write poems, try writing one.If you like rock music, listen to classicalmusic. If you watch TV, try going for ahike. Do something outside the walls ofa boxed-in life. Don’t limit yourself tothings that make you comfortable. Livepart of every day being uncomfortable.Get out of your routine and blaze yourpath to growth and greatness.

Dreams are for young and old alike.What matters is not your age but theyouthfulness of heart and mind. What isnot real can become real. Look aroundyou—everything you see has been creat-ed. At some point, somebody had adream, followed through, and persistedthrough disappointments and setbacks.

You have the rest of your life to makeyour dreams happen. Live life from theseat of your imagination—from the ideaof what you most want to be. Go for itwhile you still can. One small change inthe way you live your life may extendyour life. Do not believe what you see, seewhat you believe. PE

Derek Clark is a motivational speaker, singer, andauthor of I Will Never Give Up and I Will Never Give UpOn God Again. Visit www.IWillNeverGiveUp.com.

ACTION: Fly fearlessly on your dream wings.

by Derek Clark

EARLY IN MY LIFE, CHILDabuse, loneliness, and

dark nights of despair rat-tled the very bones of my body, drainedmy spirit, shattered my mind, and leftme plodding through life as an emptyshell, a lost and helpless soul. I havebreathed the air of the unloved, and suf-fered deep psychological and spiritualwounds due to abandonment at anearly age by my mother and father. Iblamed myself. My trust in people wasdisplaced with hostility and anger.

Yet, my spirit would not be broken. Ifought for survival in the name of love,powered by a dogged will telling me toNever Give Up! My adversities did notstop me from achieving great success inlife personally and financially. I turnedmy disadvantages into an amazing ad-vantage. Dreams are possible if you donot let the weakness in you destroy thegreatness in you. You have exceptionalabilities to bring victory into your life.

Do you believe that the impossible ispossible? Do you believe that what youcan think yourself to be, you can become—that dreams are meant to become real-ity? I invite you to believe beyond yourdreams. I live my life thinking, I don’t wantto die before I die. I want to live life to thefullest. My creativity comes from myimagination. Whatever your mind candream and create, it can do so muchmore. Believe beyond your dreams!

Overcoming limiting thoughts startswith a dream. As a child, you had dreams.And as an adult, you dream. It may be adream of getting out of an impoverishedarea, getting a better job, or being rich.Everything is attainable if you focus onwhat you want and take action towardthe goal. If you are not moving forward,you are going backward. Focus on thesky and the stars—not the sewage.

Do not mentally starve yourself byusing your power solely to help othersto achieve their dreams. You then lackthe energy and drive to self-achieve. Asa result, you are not living for you—youare living only for others. The one per-son you should take care of most is you.You have to live with you your entirelife, so make it a great journey.

Emulate the child you once were, andthis child will set your mind free. You canthen dream again and take flight.

by Dave Anderson

WHAT’S THE BEST THINGyou can do for your

life and work? You maysay: “Get a hefty raise.” That would benice, of course. But there’s an even bet-ter one—you can forgive others theirtrespasses against you.

No matter what you’ve been throughin the past year, you are likely holdingon to some grudges. Maybe you’reangry with a spouse who criticizedyou, a friend who betrayedyou, a client who stiffed you,or a coworker who stole youridea and presented it as herown, or a boss who “down-sized” you after you announ-ced the imminent arrival of anew baby. Forgiving or atleast reconciling with thatperson now can mean a happier andmore productive year.

Maybe you have some vague ideathat by failing to forgive another per-son, you are getting even with him orhurting him in some way. Of course,that couldn’t be further from the truth.Grudges hurt only the grudge-bearer.

If a poisonous snake bites you, whatshould you do first? Kill the snake orremove the venom? Many people chasethe proverbial snake to kill it, failing torealize that their actions only cause thevenom to spread faster, causing death.

The same holds true for those whofail to forgive. Rather than remove the

venom and exercise forgiveness, theyhold onto the poison and “chase thesnake.” This is a race they can’t win.

Besides, harboring resentmentimpacts your productivity and effec-tiveness at work (or, in the case of thejob seeker, in your search process).People can sense all that buried bitter-ness and, even if they’re not sure why,will hesitate to interact with you.Obviously, that’s bad for business!

To move along the path to reconcili-ation, keep in mind these tips:

1. Bring closure to past offenses. Iden-tify anyone you must make amendswith and do it quickly. Don’t worryabout whose “fault” it is. It’s up to themost mature person in the relationshipto make the first move.

2. Don’t miss the moment. Oftenthere’s a perfect moment to letbygones be bygones andresolve a strained relationship.You’ll know it when it hap-pens. If you let it pass bywithout acting on it, you willregret it. There’s not alwaysanother chance.

3. Be prepared to turn theother cheek. Just because you forgivesomeone, it doesn’t mean that they’llforgive you, too. They may even con-tinue to offend or hurt you. Continueto forgive and set the good example.You’ll get peace of mind out of the deal.

Today, reconcile the grudges you’renursing. Forgiving is a 365-day-a-yeardiscipline. It’s not easy, but it’s worthit. When you release negative feelings,peace and prosperity flow your way. PE

Dave Anderson is president of Learn to Lead andauthor of How to Run Your Business By THE BOOK: A Biblical Blueprint to Bless Your Business; and the TKO business series. Visit www.learntolead.com.

ACTION: Let go and forgive.

I N S P I R AT I O N A L • D R E A M S

1 6 w w w . L e a d e r E x c e l . c o m P e r s o n a l E x c e l l e n c e

Forgive OthersLet go of your grievances.

Dream WingsFly fearlessly in life .

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