On Killing BunniesBy Alex Davis

I never thought that I would find myself one day, holding a gun to a bunny’s head. Its glossy brown eyes were cast downward as it sniffed curiously at the grass underneath its chicken-wire cage. I, with a hunter’s rifle pointed between its ears, shifted the barrel of the gun so that it just touched the back of the bunny’s head. My heart was going absolutely nuts, I could feel my blood rushing underneath my skin. I didn’t feel guilt or sadness; I didn’t even feel superiority whilst facing this tiny creature down. I stared into the rabbit’s eyes and whispered an inaudible apology before pulling the trigger.

It was less like a bullet and more like a bolt of electricity, instantly snapping the little creature and stiffening its body. For a person who had never taken the life of an animal, it was a very strange experience, as I watched the death throes of the creature. I realized that we are all quite ugly beasts when we die, our nerves uncontrollably twitching and the neurons of our brains firing off like a hundred gun salute. Me and my girlfriends father Gary brought bunny after bunny from out of their farmhouses, small wooden houses complete with roofs and chicken wire floors. We brought each one out in turn, shot each bunny with a single bullet and then brought them into the garage for cleaning. I watched and learned as Gary strung the bunnies up and cleaned them of everything except the meat. He seemed less like a farmer cleaning a bunny and more like a sculptor, clearing away the unnecessary pieces of flesh and fur to reveal the meal we would have underneath. It was not the first time I had seen a dead creature, nor the first time that I had helped Gary dispose of a dead animal, but it was the first time that I had killed something.

It wasn’t any kind of cruelty that drove me to want to kill a bunny. It was not because I think I am better than these animals and that I deserve to eat them. In fact, this has nothing to do with eating meat and less to do with how it is procured. I sought out death because I was preparing myself psychologically, so that one day I may be able to join the Canadian Army.

“Many authorities speak and write of emotional stamina on the battlefield as a finite resource. I have termed this the Well of Fortitude. Faced with the soldier’s encounters with horror, guilt, fear, exhaustion, and hate, each man draws steadily from his own private reservoir of inner strength and fortitude until finally the well runs dry. And then he becomes just another statistic...” – Lt. Col. Dave Grossman, On Killing, Chapter 6: The Well of Fortitude

Lt. Col. Dave Grossman, the author of On Killing said it best; a soldier in the battlefield must face horror, fear, exhaustion and hate. It is an environment that taxes the will of even the strongest of men. A person who wants to be a part of any military organization has to prove that they have what it takes mentally and physically to withstand the rigors of this environment.

The Canadian Forces advertises well, the advantages of a life in the arms of its organization. Like many young men and women across this country I felt intrigued by their calling. The Canadian Forces has something for nearly every personality type out there; you low and money and need a job that doesn’t require you to be a rocket scientist? The Canadian Forces has the infantry soldier trade, where they teach you everything you need to know and give you a healthy salary along with pension and benefits galore. And then there’s the one that most enticed me; are

you looking for a tight-knit group of people who take care of each other and adhere to strict organization? It was at that moment that I was hooked.

I then joined the thousands of men and woman in this country who work their ass off every week to prepare for the recruiting process of the Canadian Forces. Each day I exercised my body and my brain, learning what I could whilst training my muscles. I decided to try and find others who were doing the same as myself, other potential recruits and ask those questions about what to expect. I knew that there must be more to preparing then working out and waiting for your application to process. But where should a recruit focus his time and energy? In what area do us recruits need to be the most proficient?

My godfather David Keeley comes down to visit my family every once in a while, and every time he does I try to take time to speak with him. A Chemical Engineer from Mississauga, ON, Dave works at a company that builds industrial spray nozzles. He started the recruiting process in the fall of 1985 and went to Basic Officer training at the beginning of April 1986. Though his trial through basic training was doomed to fail, Dave’s story was what drove me the most to prepare psychologically for the military.

Dave started considering the Canadian Air Force because after graduating Engineering School in April of 1985 he was unable to get a practical job. Back then, it seemed the Canadian Air Force were the only ones with a remote interest in him. Dave went smoothly through the cranking wheels of the recruiting process, the only real problem being that his weight was a bit high (230 Lbs.). It was at this point that Dave started working out twice a day and going on a ferocious diet. In a staggering four weeks, Dave had brought his weight down to 195 Lbs., a rate of weight loss that would be considered grossly unhealthy today.

As for preparing, Dave said that had had done little other than to get in good shape. His belief was that all of the psychological stress would be during the training and that by then, he could handle it.

Dave said that of all the things he should have done had he wanted to get into the Canadian Air Force; it would have been to be better prepared psychologically.

“The CAF (Canadian Air Force) wanted you to stop thinking like a civilian and start thinking like a soldier. Instead of simply enduring the psychological bullshit they wanted you to buy into it. They constantly told us this in various ways. As future officers we had to think their way. Physical training was important because the Basic Officer Training course was demanding. If you were in good shape it helped you keep going. However there were candidates in much worse shape than me that made it while I didn't. Physical was less important than psychological.”

At the time, this is what shocked me the most; how could preparing your mind be more important than preparing your body? In terms of how an officer thinks, Dave says that he got it all wrong.

“Where I failed was in buying into the utility of task procedure as a tool. What they wanted to see was the candidates using task procedure, and taking command during field exercises to carry

out simple missions. Whether or not the mission was completed was not nearly as important. I never wrapped my head around that. I always looked at tasks as an objective to be accomplished and would often become frustrated with task procedure as it was too complex for the missions we were given. The DS (Directing Staff) evaluated tasks by how effectively the candidate used task procedure and took command. Not by how well the task was completed. So I had the entire psychology of field exercises dead wrong.”

Dave’s example taught me that there was more to preparing for the Canadian Forces than lifting weights. You have to know what you are getting into and above all: you have to accept it. The greatest failings of a recruit in training might be that they do not accept the mindset of a soldier. As a member of the military, you have to obey orders, you have to listen and shut up and above all you have to do your job without complaint or comment. Those who cannot be molded into the narrow frame of a soldier are quickly found and tossed out, even if they are just as competent as the rest of their training group.

While Dave’s story was enlightening, it was over twenty years ago. What do the recruits of today do to prepare for the Canadian Forces? To find out, I asked a recruit of today what he was doing about his career choice.

Meet Trevor Oattes, a student at St. John's Catholic High School, who was born and raised in the tiny rural town of Perth, Ontario. Perth is a strange little Ontario town, full of retired white Christians and young hip druggies; the vibrant main street speaks of a fairly happy community. It is here that Trevor grew up, and decided that the “average” life was not for him.

“I needed to do something different, with action and excitement.” Trevor explains as we take our stroll down the narrow sidewalks, passing shops with names like Shadowfax and Dragonmoon. I had spoken to Trevor many times before, about why he decided to apply for the Canadian Army and about his families’ rich military history. But as we stepped along the colorful downtown streets, Trevor seemed more interested in giving me advice.

“If I could give two pieces of advice on the recruiting process, they would be number one: don't expect to be wearing the colors any time soon. The recruitment process is insanely long and you have to just wait for it to happen. I'm just starting basic, and it's been 11 months since I put in my application.” Trevor is almost two full feet taller than me and I find it hard to keep up with him, putting into perspective just how much more cardio training I need.

Trevor says that when it comes to preparing for the military, he has doubled the expectations the army has set for him. He is determined to do more sit-ups, more push-ups and run farther than what the army recommends and he is passionate about his drive. But while he stresses the importance of exceeding their expectations, Trevor says that intelligence is vital as well.

“Intelligence is much more important in the forces than they would have you believe. The aptitude test is not easy. Train your mind as well as your body. Read as much as you can. I read a lot of Tom Clancy as preparation.”

We both laughed; it is truly the interest in the army that drives Trevor and not the prospect of a paycheck. But I got the feeling that this small town kid might have left out one of the most important aspects of preparation, and so I brought up what he thought of preparing psychologically.

“Psychologically, you need to be able to deal with pressure, stress, waiting, anxiety, and fear. Also, once in basic, things will get loud and scary. How you prepare for the application is up to you, but I recommend watching a lot of intense movies. War, Horror, Action, anything that will get your pulse pounding. Saving Private Ryan, Black Hawk Down, Halloween, and The Bourne Trilogy are some movies I've watched to better get suited for what I'll be going through.”

At this I was a little puzzled. Prepare yourself for the army by watching intense movies? I admit that I watched intense military films as a way to familiarize myself more with the army, but not as a way of psychologically preparing myself. I used these films to understand a bit more about how the army functions and about how soldiers might act. Trevor is a strong young man and perhaps all he needs to prepare is delve into a few cinema gun battles. But my search for the answers drove me to find something more tangible. I decided at that point, it was time to speak to a real member of the Canadian Forces.

I met Corporal Devon Fair in downtown Ottawa at the Bayshore Shopping Centre. Before meeting him I had learned that he was a reverent player of Warhammer 4DK, a tabletop war-game made by Games Workshop. It was outside a Games Workshop that I met Devon Fair and he told me about his life in the Canadian Forces.

Devon is a native of Lanark County, the same area that I grew up in. On the 6th of November, Devon followed a lifelong ambition and applied to join the Brockville Rifles, a Reserve unit based in Brockville, Ontario. He had always had a leaning towards the military and grew up as close to an army brat as a civilian can get.

“Since I was a little kid I wanted to be in the army. I remember when I was in kindergarten and the teacher asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up and I said I wanted to be an army soldier.”

Devon joined the Cubs when he was young and quickly upgraded to the Cadets. From a young age, he was used to the military lifestyle and the expectations of a soldier. He became institutionalized by the military as he says and feels that too this day, he could not work as a civilian.

Devon is one of those good old boys, the type of guy who has little respect for the culture of political correctness that has permeated our society. He let me know right away what he thinks of being politically correct and I began to grow nervous, as folks began to walk past us. He regaled me with his political science theories about the future of Canada’s military, theories that both bewildered me and frightened me at the same time. He had many interesting opinions of Canada’s military, especially how basic training works.

“Basic training used to work on a field portion system. You were given a field portion every day and you had to fulfill it or you’re out. If you sprained your ankle and couldn’t complete your field portion, then you were out. When I was in basic, I got a hairline fracture on my knee a week before my course was over. At that point I was thinking, ‘screw this, I’m finishing this damn course’ and I finished the last week. After my field exercise, I went to the doctor. He told me I had a hairline fracture on my knee, and asked me how long I had been on it. I told him I had done the field exercise with it.”

Devon made it quite clear that, when it comes to basic training, there is only one thing you have to remember. If you want to succeed, you have to refuse to give up.

“You can be trailing a mile behind everyone, but if you’re still running, they won’t fail you. You have to just say, ‘hell or high water, I’m finishing this.’ The army wants to see how much mental strain you can take. That’s what basic training is, it’s a test of how far you can go. Either you’ll push through and keep running or break down and start crying like a little girl. ”

Basic training tests your physical exertion, but it also tests your mental constitution. Getting up early every day can seriously sleep deprive a person, and getting screamed at and called names can wear at a recruits nerves. Devon says that as long as you’re not a momma’s boy, getting shouted at is the least of your worries.

“Why would the army accept a person who can’t stand getting shouted or cursed at? You’re going to have people trying to kill you. If you can’t take someone yelling at you, you won’t be able to take combat. I wouldn’t want to be in combat next to a person like that.”

According to Devon, it takes dedication, willpower and a combination of being physically fit and mentally keen. You can be mentally prepared, but if you are physically unfit, you won’t be able to get through the training. At the same time, if you are very physically fit, you can easily fail the courses if you are not mentally ready.

“The most important thing is that you have to want to be there. You have to go into the army because you want to serve your country. Sure you can also join for other reasons, like you want some money and you want the security, but you have to want to serve your country. That has to be the main reason.”

The Canadian Forces does everything that it can to make its organization clear and obvious, but at the same time exciting and enticing to young Canadians that might join their ranks. But it has been a struggle throughout the ages to ensure that those who pass selection are the ones who will make it through the grueling regime of basic training. Many young men and women who go into the Canadian Forces may look physically strong, they may act confident in their abilities, but they go into it with the wrong stuff, with the wrong reasons or with the wrong mindset. Many apply for the military simply out of desperation, they feel that the military is a backup plan in case they fail at all else. Still others train hard and work their bodies to the bone, hoping that when the day comes they will soar through the training like an eagle on a breeze. What most have to realize is that a recruit must be proficient in many areas to be a member of the Canadian Forces.

A recruit must be physically fit; they must have good upper body strength and be good at running. If you are a great distance runner but can’t carry your own weight, you will fail. If you are a big strong guy but can’t run at all, you will fail. If you are a model of physical fitness but join for the wrong reasons, you will fail. And if you join the military with all the drive and determination, but you are soft as a Twinkie, you will fail. A recruit must have a balance of all these things. They must be prepared in many aspects, as much as possible, if they want to join Canada’s military.

Above all, a recruit must learn to curb their ego, obey orders to the letter and realize that they must above all, give in to the duties of the soldier. That is why a recruit who is stronger in mind and weaker in body, can win against a recruit who is stronger in body but weaker in mind.