Family Matters 2008-09

8/14/2019 Family Matters 2008-09

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R e d r i c k c h u r c h . c a / c h r i s t i a n p a r e n t i n g /

PreparedbyToddDowforNiagaraUnitedMennoniteChurch

Fall/Winter 08/09

FamilyMattersThrivinginahappy,healthyhome.


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FamilyMattersSeriesOverview

FamilyMatters 1

FamilyMattersSeriesOverview2008:

September Familymattersanoverview:

Whydoesfamilymatter? Familydynamics. Spiritualfoundationsbeginathome. Characteristicsofhealthyfamilies.

October Girlswhatmatters:

Confidence,humilityandrespect. Affirmation,protectionandencouragement. Beingthewomanyourdaughterwantstobecome. Beingthemanyourdaughterwantstomarry.

November Boyswhatmatters:

Cultivatingemotionalhealth. Respect,disciplineandselfcontrol. Differencesbetweenboys&girls Beingthemanyoursonwantstobecome. Beingthewomanyoursonwantstomarry.

December Boyswhatmatterscontinuation:

Workshop:3biblicalscenarios Disciplinewithconsistency

2009:

January Marriagematters:

Foundationsofahealthymarriage. Loveandrespect. Emotionalintelligence. Communicationworkshop.

February Marriagematters:

Settinggoalsandpriorities. Sexualintimacy. Playingtogether. Creatingyourowntraditions.

March Moms&Dadswhatmatters:

Maslowshierarchyandparentalneeds.

Importanceofself. Whatmatterstomoms. Whatmatterstodads.

April Financesmatter:

TheBestThingsinLifeAreNotThings 6StepstoBuildingaPersonalFinancialPlan 10LawsofBuildingWealth Raisingafamilyonabudget


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FamilyMattersSeriesOverview

FamilyMatters 2

May Howthehomemattersintheworld:

Polytheism. Materialism. Sexualtemptations. War.


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FamilyMattersAnOverview

FamilyMatters 3

FamilymattersanoverviewWhydoesfamilymatter?

Familyisaplacewherewhenyouhavetogothere,theyhavetotakeyouin.

RobertFrost

Atheologyoffamily

FamilyrelationshipsparallelthespiritualrelationshipbetweenGodandus.Lookat

centralthemesorprinciplesinscripturewhichshapeourunderstandingand

practiceoffamily:

1. LoveGenesis2:24thebasisoffamilyisrelationalratherthanrigidrules.

Familyiswhereyoucancountonthatloveevenwhenyouleastdeserveit.(AndersonandGuernesy)

2. GracevslegalismToforgiveandbeforgiven

Thisdescribesaredemptiveperspectiveonrelationships.

3. EmpoweringToserveandbeserved

Givingpowertosomeoneelseratherthantryingtocontrolthings(andothers)

myself.Considermutualsubmissionratherthandominance.(seeEphesians5)

4. IntimacytoknowandbeknownThisisthebasisforcommunication.Itrequiresawillingnesstotrustandtobe

vulnerableandtoshare.

5. Creatingandnurturinglife

Lifebeginsinfamilybiologicallyaswellassocially.Familyisthemostbasic

formofcommunity.

6. ThespiritualfamilyofGodisprimarythebiologicalfamilyissecondaryGoddescribeshisrelationshipwithHispeopleprimarilyinfamilyterms(father,

mother,child).Jesusreferencetohatingmotherandfather(Lk14:25,26;Mk

3:3134;Mt.10:21)isintendedtogiveusproperperspectiveonourbiologicalfamiliesandourprimaryspiritualfamily.


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FamilyMatters 4

FamilyDynamics:

ErikEriksonsTheoryofHumanDevelopment:

Ingeneral,EricksonsTheoryofHumanDevelopmentiswidelyacceptedandplaysamajorroleinallhumanandpsychologicaldevelopmentstudiesandtheories.The

bestadviceistousethetheoryasaframeworkormapforunderstandingand

identifyingwhatissues/conflictsunresolvedleadtocurrentbehaviorandpreparingforthestagestocome.

Thestagesare:

Stage: PsychosocialCrisis:

1 Infancy(Birth12Months) Trustvs.Mistrust

2 YoungerYears(13Years) Autonomyvs.ShameandDoubt

3 EarlyChildhood(35Years) Initiativevs.Guilt

4 MiddleChildhood(610Years) Industryvs.Inferiority

5 Adolescence(1118Years) Identityvs.RoleConfusion

6 EarlyAdulthood(1826years) Intimacyvs.Isolation

7 MiddleAdulthood(2660Years) Generativityvs.Stagnation8 LaterAdulthood(60yearsDeath) EgoIntegrityvs.Despair

Individualitywithinafamily:

Everychildisbornintoadifferentfamilyfromeachoftheotherbrothersandsisters1. Thenumberofpeoplechanges(andratioofadultstochildren)2. Thus,therewillbemoreattentiondirectedatthefirstchildrenandlessat

themiddleandlaterchildren3. Lifestageoftheparentsandthemarriagerelationshipislikelytobedifferent4. Maturityoftheparentsandthemarriagerelationshipmaybedifferent5. Economically,thefamilymayexperiencechangeduetocareerdevelopment,

careerchange,etc.6. Thesocialenvironmentmayaffectthefamily(depression,war,etc.)

Principlesoffamilylife:

7. Siblingstendtoworkatdevelopingdistinctivenessinafamily8. Welearnabout:sexes,relationships,andtheworldaroundusinourearly

familyexperience:

9. Sincelivingwithsomeoneinanintimaterelationshipmostcloselyduplicatestheexperienceofgrowingupinafamily,itsnotsurprisingthatbirthorder

characteristicsbecomemostevidentinrelationshipwithaspouse.Somebirthordercharacteristicstendtoworkbetterthanothers.Duplicatingeach

othersbirthorderathometendstobetheeasiest,butproblemsmay

developifonewantstochange.

TheFiveFactors:Birthordercharacteristicsdevelopfromfivefactors:

1. Orderofbirth2. Sex


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FamilyMatters 6

o Morelikelytobeundisciplined,procrastinatorsandlateforormissappointments.

o Tendtolooktoothersforsupportandeasilybecomedependentuponolderspousesorfriendsforguidance.But,theyalsotendtofightagainstthecontrolexertedbytheseolderpartners.

o And,inanylectureaboutbirthorder,itistheyoungestsiblingsthattendtodisputethefindingstheloudest.o Someyoungestsbecomeshyanduncertainduetoalwaysbeingunder

thecloudoftheolder,moreexperienced,moreskilledsiblings.

o Inadequacycandevelopwhenstuckintheshadowofanoldersiblingthattheycantseemtomeasureupto.

o Thiscanleadtofeelingsofincompetence.o Ifalwaysgivenhandmedownsaschildren,theymayplacean

emphasisonmaterialthingslaterinlife.

o Inhappyfamilies,theyoungesttendtobethemostlightheartedandplayfulandtendtohavehighselfesteem.

MiddleChildrenInGeneral:

1. Tendtoendupwithamixofolderandyoungersiblingtraits.2. And,theycanendupfeelingleftout,astheyhavenodistinctidentityother

thanbeingcaughtinthemiddle.

3. Theycompeteagainstperceivedsmarter,older,strongersibling(s)andperceivedyounger,cuter,moredependentsibling(s).

4. Longtermimpacts:o Sincetheyarecaughtinthemiddlewithoutthebenefitsofbeingthe

oldestortheyoungest,theytendtofeelthatlifeisunfair.

o Tendtobesensitivetobeingleftoutorslightedasanadult.o Tendtobeleastlikelytotaketheinitiativeorthinkingindependently.o Tendtorankthelowestacademically.o Leastlikelyintheirfamilytogotouniversity.o Lesslikelytofeelpressuretosucceedthanoldersiblings.o And,lesslikelytofeelconstantobservationthatayoungestsibling

wouldfeel.

o Tendtofeellessbetrayedwhenanewyoungersiblingarrivesthananoldestsiblingwouldfeel(seeabove),sincemiddlechildrenneverhad

thatalonetimewithparentstobeginwith.

o Tendtoactoutthemorethanoldestsiblings,especiallywhenfacedwithdirectcompetitionwitholdersiblings.Thiscanleadtorebellion.

o Middlechildrentendtonegotiatepeace,astheyaretrappedinthemiddle.Theytrytocoexistwithothers.

ForYourParentalToolkit:

Tipsfordealingwitholdestchildren:

1. Putlesspressureonthemtosucceed2. Openlygivemoreloveandapprovaljustforexisting(unconditional)


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FamilyMatters 7

3. Focusonthegoodthingsinanactivityinsteadofjustpointingoutthebadthingsmostoldestchildrentendtoalreadybeawareoftheirmistakes.

4. Dontforceyouroldesttogrowuptoosoon.Letthemhavesomedecisionmakinginhowmuchresponsibilitytheytakeon(dontautomaticallyassignthembabysittingduties,forexample)

5. Afteryoungersiblingshavearrived,continuetospendtimealonewithyouroldersiblings.6. Makethemfeelimportantasanindividual,notjustasahelper.

Tipsfordealingwithyoungestchildren:1. Encouragethemtobeindependent,thoughtfulandselfreliant.2. Praiseminoraccomplishments,justlikeyoudowitholdersiblings.3. Dontletoldersiblingsdominateorteaseyoungersiblings.4. Giveplentyofaffirmation.5. Dontletthemgetawaywithtoomuchgoofingoff.6. Startreadingearlywithyoungestchildren.7. Dontassumetheyaretoolittletobeuseful.Givetheyoungesttheirfairshareofhouseholdduties.8. Dontcomparethemtotheolderchildren.

Tipsfordealingwithmiddlechildren:

1. Itisimportanttoprovideasenseofidentitytothesechildrenfromaparentofthesamesex(orofanothersiblingofthesamesex).

2. Treatmiddlechildrenwithlotsofcare.Makethemfeelimportant.3. Dontassumethateverythingisfinewiththem.Spendtimewiththem,talkto

them.

4. Solicitopinionsandaskaboutfeelings.Factorsthataltertheusualtraitsofbirthorderandsex:

1. Lossofparentsinchildhoodo Deathofaparent;oro Divorce

2. Remarriage3. Deathofasibling4. Deathofotherfamilymembers5. Adoption6. Disabilities7. Anxietyinthefamily8. Largefamilies

Otherthingstoconsider:1. Dealingwithjealousy

o Besuretolistentoallchildrenandbeempathetictotheirfeelings.o Acknowledgethatnotallproblemsmaybeeasilysolved,butreaffirm

thevalueandmeaningofeachfamilymember.

2. Discouragingcompetitiveness


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FamilyMatters 8

o Dontletchildrenfeelthatperformanceequalsacceptance.Loveallfamilymembersunconditionally.

3. Acceptthedifferencesamongfamilymemberso Respectandappreciationfordiversitywithinthefamilyisimportant.

4. Dontassignroleso Allowforsomeautonomyinfamilyrolesandhowtheyareadoptedbyfamilymembers.

5. Providingequalopportunitieso Dontdiscriminateduetogenderdifferences.Encourageallfamily

membersforequalgoals.

6. Donttreatthemidenticallyo Recognizeindividualinterests,skills,abilitiesandgoals.

7. Parentingoutofyourownbirthordero Recognizethestrengthsofdifferentbirthordersandworkwithin

thoseconstraints.8. Divorcedparents

o Recognizetheneedtoreassurechildrenwhoarefearfulofneglectandabandonment,evenwherethesemayseemtobeunfoundedfeelings.9. Yourchildrenarenotyoursiblings

Questions:

1. Providesomeexamplesthatvalidatethesefindingswithinyourownexperience.

2. Howdotheseconceptsrelatetotheinformationthatwehavelearnedfromtheprevioussessions?

3. Suggestwaysthatfaithdevelopmentmightdifferbetweenoldestandyoungestchildren.

Forfurtherreading:

Richardson,Dr.RonaldW.&Richardson,LoisA.,BirthOrderAndYou,North

Vancouver,BritishColumbia:SelfCounselPress,1990.Richardson,Dr.RonaldW.,FamilyTiesThatBind,NorthVancouver,British

Columbia:SelfCounselPress,1987.


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FamilyMatters 9

Spiritualfoundationsbeginathome

ParentingOurChildrenTowardsFaithInGod

1. Spiritualityistaughtinthecontextofallourdailylifenotjustsomething

weaddontoourparentingtasksbecauseweareChristians.

SeeDeuteronomy6:19ParalleltoExodus20thatyoulivelongintheland

WearedirectedtoloveGodwithourentirebeing.Thus,teachchildreninallaspectsoftheirlives:

inourhearts whenwesitathome whenwewalkonroad whenyouliedownandgetup tieGodslawsassymbols writethemondoorposts

Spiritualityisanintegralpartofallwedowecannotseparateitfromourother

activities.

2. Aschildrengrowfrombirthtoadulthoodtheychangeintellectually,physically,relationally,etcandtheychangespiritually.Thus,thewaywe

approachourchildrensspiritualitymustreflectandrespectthesechanges.

Previously,welearnedaboutEriksonsstagesofpsychosocialdevelopment.

Keepinginmindappropriatestages,childrenneedahealthyfoundationforlaterspiritualitytoformtheconvictionandstrengthitneedsbutthisinformationis

notthesameasgivingreligiousinformation.

Bringfaithnearbutdonotunloadadultconceptsdirectlyontoyoungchildren

toobigaburdentobear.Keyqualitiestoshareare:

InvitationaltruthisrelationalIamtheway,thetruthandthelife Respectchild(autonomy) Donotprojectourneedfordoctrinalsecurityontoourchildren Cultivatememories,pray,answerquestions,butdontgethungupon

comprehensiveunderstanding

Inearlystagesweprepareourchildrenforfaith,wedontindoctrinatethem

3. Ourownspiritualityasparentsiscrucial,notonlybecausewecannotteach

whatwedontknow,butalsobecauseasweinteractwithourchildrenthey

shapetheirunderstandingofGodlargelyontheirinteractionswithus.WeareGodtoourchildrenalmostliterallypoweroflifeanddeath

Superiorbeing Theydependonusforeverything Theybelieveus


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FamilyMatters 11

Characteristicsofhealthyfamilies

Everyfamilyexperiencesproblems.Itishowtheproblemsarehandledthatconstitutes

functionordysfunction.Ifoneormorememberssaythereisaproblem,thenthereisaproblemanditisafamilyproblemnotjustoneindividuals.Ahealthyfamily

recognizesthatproblemsarenormal,andseekstoaddresstheproblemsratherthan

denyingtheirexistence.

ScripturalGuidelines: Ephesians5:2133&6:14 1Corinthians13:47

Somecharacteristicsofhealthyfamilies:

1. Communicationpatternsaredirect,clearandsensorybased.2. Thefamilycanadapttoandevenwelcomechange.3. Familymembersgettheirneedsmet.4. Mistakesareadmitted.Mistakesareforgiven.Forgivenessisfreelyaskedforand

given.5. Theatmosphereisoneofspontaneity,funandgoodhumour.6. Thereiscloseness.Thefamilysharesmuch,andfeelsstronglyconnected,yet

eachisanindividual.

7. Thefamilyrelationshipsarecharacterizedby:covenantcommitment,empowerment,graceandintimacy.

8. MembersrespecteachothersspiritualresponsivenesstoGod.AdditionalPointstoconsider:

9. Spirituallifeisinvitationalandfreelyshared,ratherthancoerciveandconforming.

10.Thefamilyexistsfortheindividual.Indysfunctionalfamiliestheindividualexiststokeepthesysteminbalance.

11.Parentsdowhattheysay.Theyareselfdisciplineddisciplinarians.12.Eachtwosomeinthefamilycandealwiththeirownproblems.Triangulatingis

discouraged.

13.Familymemberscanbedifferentandtheycanfunctionindifferentroleswithinthefamily.

14.Relationshipsaredialogicalandequal.Thefivefreedomsarerespectedforeachfamilymember:

a. Thefreedomtoseeandtohearwhatisnowinsteadofwhatshouldbe,couldbe,was,orwillbe.

b. Thefreedomtofeelwhatisfeltnowinsteadofwhatshouldbe,couldbe,wasorwillbe.

c. Thefreedomtosaywhatisnowinsteadofwhatshouldbe,couldbe,wasorwillbe.

d. Thefreedomtoreachoutforwhatyouwantinsteadofwhatyoushouldwant,nothavingtowaitforsomeonetoofferittoyou.


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FamilyMatters 12

e. Thefreedomtotakerisksonyourownbehalfinsteadofonlywaitingforachangeinthesituationtomakeitpossibleforyoutohavewhatyouwant

foryourself.

15.Thereareclearboundaries(firmyetrigid):a. Betweenthefamilyandtheoutsideworld;b. Betweengenerations(parentsandchildrenmarriageistheprimaryrelationshipinthefamily);c. Betweenmembersinthefamily;d. Betweensexes;


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GirlsWhatMatters

FamilyMatters 13

GirlswhatmattersConfidence,humilityandrespect

Startchildrenoffinthewaytheyshouldgo,andevenwhentheyareoldtheywillnot

turnfromit.Proverbs22:6

Confidence:CultivatAndnow,dearchildren,continueinhim,sothatwhenheappearswemaybe

confidentandunashamedbeforehimathiscoming.(1John2:28)ConfidenceemergesoutofastrongsenseofbeingsomebodywhobelongstoGod.

Withthatcomesasenseofgiftednessandabilitytomakeacontribution,andthe

boldnesstospeakonesheartandmind.Whenourdaughtersareconfident,theyhave

assurancethattheycanaccomplishmeaningfultasksandthattheyhavesomething

valuabletocontributewiththeirwordsandactions.(McMinn,68)

Howtoinstillconfidence(McMinn,6973):

1. StretchYourDaughters;2. EncourageYourDaughterstoThinkWellandSpeakUp;3. EncouragePersonalDevelopmentApartfromStructuredActivities;

Humility:

Donothingoutofselfishambitionorvainconceit.Rather,inhumilityvalueothers

aboveyourselves,notlookingtoyourowninterestsbuteachofyoutotheinterestsof

theothers.(Philippians2:3)

Thevirtueofhumilityconsistsinkeepingoneselfwithinone'sownbounds,not

reachingouttothingsaboveone,butsubmittingtoone'ssuperior.(Summa,Aquinas)

Howhumilityhelps(Meeker,7792):1. HumilityMakesHerFeelSignificant;2. HumilityStrengthensHerRelationships;3. HumilityKeepsHerBalanced;4. HumilityKeepsHerLivinginReality;

Respect:

Respectistheacknowledgmentthatsomeoneorsomethinghasvalue;theshowingofthoughtfulnessandconsideration;(Respect,Wikipedia)

Teachingchildrentorespectandhonoursiblingsandotherfamilymembershelps

instillagoodsenseofobligationtowardothersthatwillultimatelyhelpthemestablish

significantcommunitiesthroughouttheirlives.(McMinn,80)

Questions:

1. Inwhatwayscanyoustretchyourdaughtersinordertobuildtheirconfidence?2. Howdoyoubalanceconfidenceandhumility?Dontthetwoseemtocontradict

oneanother?

3. Areyoumodelingasenseofconfidence,humilityandrespectinyourhome?


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GirlsWhatMatters

FamilyMatters 14

Affirmation,warmth,encouragementandprotection

Express Affirmation, Warmth and Encouragement (AWEBased

Parenting)(Burns, pg. 30-46)

HavingaPositiveAttitude

Relationshipscomeinmanydifferentstyles.Therearepositiveandnegativeapproachestorelationships.

ShameBasedParenting

Thistypeofparentingtypicallyconsistsoftryingtoshameyourkidsintodoing

whatyouexpectofthem.Thistendstobuildawallbetweenthepeopleinvolvedand

thesewordscanbeseenaswithdrawalsfromthechildsemotionalbank

account.

ExamplesofShameBasedParenting(orWithdrawals):

Nagging; Belittlingthem; Beingsarcastic; Makingnegativeputdowns; Criticizing; Screaming; NeversayingImsorry;

Fightingconstantlywithmyspouse;

Talkingaboutthemnegativelytoothers;

Showingfavoritism; Beingsilent; Heapingguiltonthem; Beingrudeandirritable;

AWEBasedParenting

AWEstandsforaffirmation,warmthandencouragement.Thisisaboutbuildingself

esteemandpositiverelationshipswiththosearoundyou,insteadofthenegativeapproachsuggestedabovewithshamebasedparenting.

ConsidertheseexamplesofAWEbasedparenting(ordeposits):

SayingImsorrytomychildrenwhenIblowit;

Praisingoften; Believingthebestofthem; Forgivingthem; Huggingoften; SayingIloveyoueveryday; Writingthankyounotesandlove

notes;

Prayingforthem; Speakingwithatendertoneof

voice;

Braggingaboutthem; Playingtogether; Listeningtothem(listeningisthe

languageoflove);

Spendingtimetogether; Goingoutonspecialdates;

AffirmationYoumustbelieveinyourchildrenandyoumustletyourchildrenknowthis.Young

peopleneedsomeoneintheirliveswhobelievesinthem,evenwhentheycant

believeinthemselves.

Warmth

ForyourfamilytohaveasenseofAWE,createahomeenvironmentofwarmthand

affection.Thismightbeeasiersaidthandone,butitcanbedoneusingbabysteps.


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GirlsWhatMatters

FamilyMatters 15

Theimportantthingistofocusmoreonwarmandcaringrelationships.JimBurns

suggeststhatbyfocusinginthisway,choresandresponsibilitieswillbeless

burdensomeandmaygetdoneeasier.

Encouragement

Whenyouencourageyourchildrenandyourspouse,youhavetheuniqueabilitytomakethemfeelspecial.Burnsgivestheexampleoftwohighlyeducatedand

successfulbusinessprofessionalswhohaveputextremelyhighexpectationson

theirdaughter.Burnstellsusthatitcanbeproblematictoplaceourexpectationson

ourchildren.Instead,weshouldlistentoourchildrensgoalsandthenhelpset

reasonableexpectationsandtoencourageourchildrenintheirpursuits.

DiscussionStarters

1. DidyougrowupinafamilythatusedshamebasedparentingorAWEbasedparenting?Howdiditaffectyou?

2. WhatspecificstepscanyoutaketoenhanceanenvironmentofAWEinyourfamily?Whatmakesitdifficulttotakethesesteps?

3. Everychildneedssomeonewhoisirrationallypositiveaboutthem.Didyouhavethatpersoninyourlife?Whoisorcanbecomethatpersoninthelivesof

yourchildren?

4. Thistopicappliesequallywelltomarriagerelationships.Howcanyouapplythesesuggestionstoyourownmarriagerelationshiptomakeitstrongerand

morepositive?


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GirlsWhatMatters

FamilyMatters 16

Goodrolemodels:Beingthewomanyourdaughterwantstobecome

TodaysExercise:Asagroup,definethecharactertraitsassociatedwithBeingthewomanyourdaughterwantstobecome.

Method:UsetheGreen,Red,Bluemethodtoobtainthisgoal.

Inanutshell:

1. GREEN:Beginbythinkingingreen,whichmeans,tobrainstormandcollectasmanyideasaspossible.Noideaisrightorwrongduringthisphaseofdata

collection.

2. RED:Synthesizethematerialthatwasprovidedduringthegreenphase.Categorize,evaluateandvalidatetheitemsthatwereprovidingduringthe

brainstormingportionofthisexercise.

3. BLUE:Formalizeyourresponseintoafinalanswer.Reviewtheitemsthatwerecategorizedintheredphase,decideuponafinalanswerandthenpresentthat

finalanswer.

FinalProduct:Attheendofthisexercise,youshouldhavealistofpersonalitytraitsorcharacteristicsthatdescribe,Beingthewomanyourdaughterwantstobecome.


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GirlsWhatMatters

FamilyMatters 17

Goodrolemodels:Beingthemanyourdaughterwantstomarry

TodaysExercise:Asagroup,definethecharactertraitsassociatedwithBeingthemanyourdaughterwantstomarry.

Method:UsetheGreen,Red,Bluemethodtoobtainthisgoal.

Inanutshell:

4. GREEN:Beginbythinkingingreen,whichmeans,tobrainstormandcollectasmanyideasaspossible.Noideaisrightorwrongduringthisphaseofdata

collection.

5. RED:Synthesizethematerialthatwasprovidedduringthegreenphase.Categorize,evaluateandvalidatetheitemsthatwereprovidingduringthe

brainstormingportionofthisexercise.

6. BLUE:Formalizeyourresponseintoafinalanswer.Reviewtheitemsthatwerecategorizedintheredphase,decideuponafinalanswerandthenpresentthat

finalanswer.

FinalProduct:Attheendofthisexercise,youshouldhavealistofpersonalitytraitsorcharacteristicsthatdescribe,Beingthemanyourdaughterwantstomarry.


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Boys&GirlsWhatMatters

FamilyMatters 18

BoysWhatMattersCultivatingEmotionalHealth

RaisingEmotionallyHealthySons(Oliver,pg4365)

TheChallengeofGrowingUpMale:EmotionalHealthisoftensuppressed.Consider:

Infantboysreceivefewerdemonstrativeactsofaffectionfromtheirmothersandaretouchedlessthaninfantgirls;

Whenachildcomplainsofaminorinjury,parentsarequickertocomfortgirlsthanboys;

Whenboysbecometeenagers,theyaretoldtheymustbepreparedtobemutilatedordieinourarmedforcesinordertoprotectwomenandchildren

andtheideologiesoftheirnation;

Replicatedmedicalresearchsuggeststhatboysbringwhatsomehavecalledabiologicallyhardwiredemotionaldisadvantagetoemotionalandrelationaldevelopment;

Whyareemotionssoimportant? Emotionshelpusunderstandourselvesandothers.Emotionsgiveflavourtoourinteraction.Someoftheconsequencesof

inadequateemotionaldevelopmentinclude:

Apartialandinadequateknowledgeofself; Anincreasedtendencytofindyouridentity,meaning,andpurposeinlife

fromgettingapprovalandaffirmationfromotherpeople;

Ablurredvisionofwhatisnormal; Poorphysicalhealth; Increasedtendencytobecomecodependentandbecomeinvolvedin

unhealthyandonesidedrelationships;

ArrestedemotionaldevelopmenthindersourabilitytorelatetoGodandhearhisvoice;

Whenwewithholdouremotions,itcankeepothersfromknowingwhowereallyare;

Whenwedontshareouremotionswithothers,theydontknowwhatismostimportanttous.Ifwedonthaveanappropriateemotionalresponse,wenotonlyloseoutongettingourneedsmetbutrobothersofthe

opportunitytogivetousinourtimeofneed.Concealingouremotionsonly

increasesisolation,leadstomisunderstanding,andcauseseveryonetolose;

ResearchershavefoundthatevenmorethanIQ,ouremotionalawarenessandabilitytohandlefeelingswilldetermineoursuccessandhappinessinall

walksoflife,includingfamilyrelationships.

Benefitsofemotionalintelligenceinclude:

Beingabletoregulatetheirownemotionalstates; Betteratsoothingthemselveswhentheywereupset; Hadfewerinfectiousillnesses; Betteratfocusingandattending; Betteratunderstandingpeople; Betteratsituationsinschoolthatrequiredacademicperformance;


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FamilyMatters 20

Respect,disciplineandselfcontrol:

Aswediscussedlastweek,selfcontrolisakeyattributethatboysneedtohave

nurtured.Respectforothersisanimportantbuildingblockinthedevelopmentofboysperceptionofauthorityintheworld.Withoutrespect,disciplineandself

controlcannotprosper.

Respect:Respectistheacknowledgmentthatsomeoneorsomethinghasvalue;theshowingof

thoughtfulnessandconsideration;(Respect,Wikipedia)Teachingchildrentorespectandhonoursiblingsandotherfamilymembershelps

instillagoodsenseofobligationtowardothersthatwillultimatelyhelpthemestablish

significantcommunitiesthroughouttheirlives.(McMinn,80)

Discipline:

ReadHebrews12:517:(seebackoftodayshandout)

Inthissection:

Whydiscipline?(Heb12:6)

Godsdisciplinedemonstrateshislove;Whatisthepurpose?(Heb12:10)

Godsdisciplineallowsustoshareinhisholiness;Howdoweshowdiscipline?(Heb12:12)

WerunwithendurancetheracethatGodhassetbeforeus.WedothisbykeepingoureyesonJesus,onwhomourfaithdependsfromstarttofinish.

Whataretheresultsofdisciplinedliving?(Heb12:1417)

Liveinpeace,liveacleanandholylife,lookoutforeachother,havefaithandwatchoutforothersthatmayfallintoimmoralityorbecomegodless.

Ourchallenge:(Heb12:7)

Goddisciplinesusinthesamewaythataparentdisciplinesachild.Thus,weneedtoheedGodsdiscipline.WealsoneedtodisciplineourchildreninthesamewaythatGoddisciplinesus.

Notethetwodifferentdisciplinesbeingdiscussedhere:

1. Discipline=punishment;2. Discipline=selfcontrol;

Weusedisciplinetopunishorenforceboundaries.Weteachdiscipline(orself

control)toinstillasenseofstrengthandholinessineachoneofus.Thisleadstotruehappinessandtoasenseofsatisfactoryliving.

Discussionquestions:

1. Isrespectdemandedorearned?2. Inwhatareasofourlivesdoweneedtoshowandreceiverespect?3. HowdoesGoddisciplineus?Canweapplythesesamemethodstoourchildren?4. Isselfcontroladesirablegoal?5. Isholinessanadequatemotivatortodevelopselfcontrol?


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FamilyMatters 21

Hebrews12:517(NewLivingTranslation):

1Therefore,sincewearesurroundedbysuchahugecrowdofwitnessestothelifeoffaith,letusstripoffeveryweightthatslowsusdown,especiallythesinthatsoeasily

tripsusup.AndletusrunwithendurancetheraceGodhassetbeforeus.2WedothisbykeepingoureyesonJesus,thechampionwhoinitiatesandperfectsourfaith.*

Becauseofthejoy*awaitinghim,heenduredthecross,disregardingitsshame.NowheisseatedintheplaceofhonorbesideGod'sthrone.3Thinkofallthehostilityhe

enduredfromsinfulpeople;*thenyouwon'tbecomewearyandgiveup.4Afterall,you

havenotyetgivenyourlivesinyourstruggleagainstsin.

5AndhaveyouforgottentheencouragingwordsGodspoketoyouashischildren?*He

said,

"Mychild,*don'tmakelightoftheLORD'sdiscipline,

anddon'tgiveupwhenhecorrectsyou.

6FortheLORDdisciplinesthoseheloves,andhepunisheseachoneheacceptsashischild."*(Proverbs3:11-12)

7Asyouendurethisdivinediscipline,rememberthatGodistreatingyouashisownchildren.Whoeverheardofachildwhoisneverdisciplinedbyitsfather?8IfGod

doesn'tdisciplineyouashedoesallofhischildren,itmeansthatyouareillegitimateandarenotreallyhischildrenatall.9Sincewerespectedourearthlyfatherswho

disciplinedus,shouldn'twesubmitevenmoretothedisciplineoftheFatherofour

spirits,andliveforever?*

10Forourearthlyfathersdisciplinedusforafewyears,doingthebesttheyknew

how.ButGod'sdisciplineisalwaysgoodforus,sothatwemightshareinhis

holiness.11Nodisciplineisenjoyablewhileitishappeningit'spainful!Butafterward

therewillbeapeacefulharvestofrightlivingforthosewhoaretrainedinthisway.

12Sotakeanewgripwithyourtiredhandsandstrengthenyourweakknees.13Markoutastraightpathforyourfeetsothatthosewhoareweakandlamewillnotfallbut

becomestrong.

ACalltoListentoGod

14Workatlivinginpeacewitheveryone,andworkatlivingaholylife,forthosewho

arenotholywillnotseetheLord.15Lookaftereachothersothatnoneofyoufailsto

receivethegraceofGod.Watchoutthatnopoisonousrootofbitternessgrowsupto

troubleyou,corruptingmany.16MakesurethatnooneisimmoralorgodlesslikeEsau,whotradedhisbirthrightasthefirstbornsonforasinglemeal.17Youknowthat

afterward,whenhewantedhisfather'sblessing,hewasrejected.Itwastoolatefor

repentance,eventhoughhebeggedwithbittertears.


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FamilyMatters 22

Differencesbetweenboys&girls

Medicalresearchsuggeststhatphysicaldifferencestranslateintobehavioural,

learninganddevelopmentaldifferencesbetweenthegenders.Thus,itisimportanttounderstandsomeofthedifferencesofthesexes.

Thefollowingwastakenfrom:RaisingBoysandGirls:DifferencesinPhysicalDevelopment

http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/0_raisingboysandgirlsdifferencesinphysicaldevelopment_3659005.pc?scid=pcbulletin_20081028:4&pe=2TY9S2q

GenderidentityChildrenbegintoidentifythemselvesasaboyoragirlasearlyas18months.Butit's

betweentheagesof2and6thattheybegintoidentifywithothersoftheirsexand

demonstrateplayandotherbehaviorsthatarecharacteristicofthatsex.Mostsocial

scientistsagreethataninterplayofnatureandnurturedetermineshowthese

genderrolesplayout.

Physicalgrowth

Betweenthebiggrowthstagesofinfancyandadolescence,boysandgirlsgrowinheightandweightataboutthesameslowbutsteadyrate.Therearen'tnotable

differencesbetweenthesexesuntillateelementaryschool,whengirlsstarttogrowtallerfaster,althoughboyscatchupandexceedthemwithinafewyears.

MotorskillsBoys'grossmotorskills(running,jumping,balancing)tendtodevelopslightly

faster,whilegirls'finemotorskills(holdingapencil,writing)improvefirst.Often

girlsshowaninterestinart(painting,coloring,crafts)beforeboysforthisreason.

Boysarealsomorephysicallyaggressiveandimpulsive,asrevealedbystudiesof

theirbrains.Thepleasurecenterofthebrainactuallylightsupmoreforboyswhen

theytakerisks.That'snottosaythatgirlsaren'tactiveandrisktaking,onlythaton

averageboysaremoreso.

Verbalskills

Moreboysthangirlsarelatetalkers,andboysusemorelimitedvocabularies.Girlsarebetteratreadingnonverbalsigns,liketoneofvoiceandexpression,whichalso

makesthembettercommunicatorsearlyon,astheycanconnectfeelingsandwordsfaster.

Thisissomethingyoucanfocusonwhenreadingbookswithboys:Pointout

characters'emotions,soboysstarttonoticehowothersarefeeling.

ToilettrainingGirlsarepottytrainedearlierthanboysonaverage,thoughit'sunclearwhetherthis

isduetophysicaldifferencesordifferencesinsocialization.(Momusuallydoesthe

trainingandmaybeeasierforagirltoidentifywith.)Fewergirlswetthebed,too.


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FamilyMatters 25

DisciplinewithConsistency

ParentTraining

Happy,healthyfamilieshaveclearlyexpressedexpectationswithpositive

limits,boundariesandconsistentdiscipline.Anditisntonlythechildrenwhoneedtobetaught.Parentsareoftentheoneswhoneedmorehelpwith

disciplinethantheirchildren.JimBurnstellsastoryabouttraininganewpuppy.Jimtakesthepuppytoan

obedienceschoolforsomelessons.Thefirstclassdoesntinvolvethedogsatallitiscompletelyfocusedontheowners.Thisisimportant,asthetrainertellsthegroup

that,Excellentdogtrainingisatleasttwothirdstrainingthehumans,theeasiest

partisworkingwiththedogs.

Thetrainerthenshareshisfourinstructions,whichthetraineractuallyobtained

fromaparentingclassathislocalchurch(thetrainerwasastudentofJimsina

previousparentingclass).

1. Showlotsoflove;2. Disciplinewithconsistency;3. Setlimitsandboundaries;and4. Expressyourexpectationsclearly;

Letstakeacloserlookateachofthese

instructions.

ShowLotsofLove

Wevecoveredthisonealreadyinpreviousclasses.

DisciplinewithConsistency

Thisisthekeytomaintainingorderand

balanceinthefaceofpotentialdisciplinechallengesinthefamily.AsJimtellsus,We

establishtherules,wesettheboundaries,andthenweallowtherulestobebrokenby

peoplewhoareonethirdourageandhaveonethirdourexperienceusuallywhen

wewanttobelikedorweretootiredtodowhatsright.

Itisimportanttobeconsistent,becauseifwearent,thenwefailourchildreninaveryimportantway.Jimtellsusthatourchildrenrequiredisciplineandlimitsand

thattheywillloveusandrespectusmoreforbuildingtheserulesandenforcing

them.

And,itisimportanttoourchildrensdevelopmenttounderstandhowtofollow

rules.Thisisamuchneededskillthroughoutlifeandfailingtoteachourchildren

properdisciplinecanresultinnumerousproblemsdowntheroad.Whatkindof

problemscanyouthinkofthatmightoccurifdisciplineiswithheld?

Discipliningourchildren

consistentlyisthemost

difficultpartofbeing

parents.Weestablishthe

rules,wesettheboundaries,andthenweallowtherules

tobebroken.


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FamilyMatters 26

ChoicesandConsequences

Jimprovidesagreatstepbystepmethodtoengageyourchildreninsettinglimits

andenforcingthem.Hesuggeststhefollowingsteps:1. InvolveyourchildreninconsequentialdecisionmakingBasically,negotiate

theboundariesanddecide,together,upontheconsequencestobreaking

thoseboundaries.2. MakesurethattheconsequencesfitthecrimeDontpanicattheearliest

signofrebellion.Keepcalmandbeconsistent.Kidscansmellfearand

overreactionamileaway.Donteverletthemseeyousweat!

3. DisciplinecalmlyItisimportanttoremaincalm.Youretheparent.Keepalevelhead.Ifyouloseyourcool,youvelost.Ifyoucantkeepyourcool,delay

thedisciplineuntilatimewhenyoucanengageyourchildreninacalm

manner.

4. ExpressyourexpectationsclearlyMakesurethatyouandyourkidsunderstandtherules.Itsnotfairtodisciplineforsomethingthatwasnotclearlyarticulated.Ifyoumust,writedownyourexpectations.

HowtoKeepYourChildsSpiritOpen

Itisimportantnottodriveyourchildawaywhenyoudiscipline.Youmustnurture

yourchild,evenwhenyouarecorrectingthem.Considerthefollowingsuggestions

tohelpkeepyourchildsspiritopen:

1. Donotnag;2. Chooseyourbattleswisely;3. Showempathy;and4. Donotdisciplineinanger;

DiscussionStarters

1. Howwouldyoudescribethetypeofdisciplineyoureceivedgrowingup?2. Inwhatwaysisyourdisciplinesimilartoyourparentsandinwhatwaysisit

different?

3. Haveyoueverusedacontractforyourchild?Diditwork?4. Whatelementsinyourlifemakeitdifficult,attimes,tokeepyourchildsspirit

open?


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MarriageMattersFoundationsofaHealthyMarriage

ASecureFoundation(Bellesi,pg2335)

Withoutasecurefoundation,amarriagecannotpossiblyflourish.Thus,we

startthissectionentitled,MarriageMatters,bydiscussinghowtodevelopasecure

foundationinamarriagerelationship.

DennyandLeesaBellesisuggestthatweuseGenesis2toinvestigatewhattheysuggestarefiveessentialsmentionedinthispassagethatmakeupwhatwe

believeGodsaysformsasecurefoundationonwhichtobuildalastingmarriagerelationship.

1.ACommonDesire

ThentheLORDGodsaid,"Itisnotgoodforthemantobealone.Iwillmakeahelper

whoisjustrightforhim."Genesis2:18

Thewordhelpermeans,bydefinition,andliterallyintheHebrew,onewhomatcheshim,onewhocomplimentshim.(Bellesi,pg25)

Thus,thishelperisntamaid,aservantoraroommate. Thishelperisanequal,apartner,acompanion. Thereisacommondesireforcompanionship.

SotheLORDGodformedfromthegroundallthewildanimalsandallthebirdsofthe

sky.Hebroughtthemtotheman*toseewhathewouldcallthem,andthemanchosea

nameforeachone.20Hegavenamestoallthelivestock,allthebirdsofthesky,andall

thewildanimals.Butstilltherewasnohelperjustrightforhim.Genesis2:19-20

2.ACommonAppreciationSotheLORDGodcausedthemantofallintoadeepsleep.Whilethemanslept,the

LORDGodtookoutoneoftheman'sribs*andcloseduptheopening.22ThentheLORD

Godmadeawomanfromtherib,andhebroughthertotheman.23"Atlast!"the

manexclaimed."Thisoneisbonefrommybone,andfleshfrommyflesh!Shewillbe

called'woman,'becauseshewastakenfrom'man.'"Genesis2:21-23

Byappreciationwemeanrecognition,understandingandrespectofboththesimilaritiesandtheuniquedifferencesbetweenahusbandandawifeasa

manandawoman.(Bellesi,pg27)

Thispersonisbothverymuchlikemeshecamefromthesamestuffasmeandatthesametime,sheisuniquelydifferent.WOW!

Themanappreciatesthewomaninthiswayandviceversa.3.ACommonCommitment

Thisexplainswhyamanleaveshisfatherandmotherandisjoinedtohiswife,andthe

twoareunitedintoone.Genesis2:24

Twokeywordshere:leaveandcleave. Itsbeingwillingtoforsakeallotherstobeunitedtooneperson.


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Itsleavingtheprevioussecuritiesofhomeandparentsandindependencetocreateanewsecurity,anewhome,anewpriorityofloyaltiestooneperson,andanewinterdependencethatbeginsthe

processofawholenewwayoflife.(Bellesi,pg.30)

4.ACommonTrustNowthemanandhiswifewerebothnaked,buttheyfeltnoshame.Genesis2:25

Naked=open,vulnerableandtransparentbeforeeachother.(Bellesi,pg32) Theyfeltsafeineachotherspresence. Howcomfortabledoyoufeelinyourpartnerspresence? Howsafedoyoufeeltoexpressyourinsecuritiesandyourfailuresandyour

dreamsanddesirestoyourpartner?

Intruth,manyofusdonotfeelsafeenoughtoshareourmostintimateinsecurities,failures,etc.withourpartners.

And,putanotherway:Howsafedoesyourpartnerfeelinyourpresence?

5.ACommonConvictionThereisacommonthreadthroughoutthissectionofGenesis2theconvictionthat

themanandwomanfeeltowardsoneanotherandtheircommonfaithintheLordas

theverycentreoftheirmarriagerelationship(Bellesi,pg.32).

Considertheseadditionalverses:

UnlesstheLordbuildsthehouse,itsbuilderslabourinvain.Psalm127:1. Twopeoplearebetteroffthanone,fortheycanhelpeachothersucceed.Ifone

personfalls,theothercanreachoutandhelp.Butsomeonewhofallsaloneisinrealtrouble.Likewise,twopeoplelyingclosetogethercankeepeachother

warm.Buthowcanonebewarmalone?Apersonstandingalonecanbe

attackedanddefeated,buttwocanstandback-to-backandconquer.Threeareevenbetter,foratriple-braidedcordisnoteasilybroken.-Ecclesiastes4:912

Discussionstarters:

1. Onascaleofonetoten(withonebeingthelowestandtenbeingthehighest),howwouldyourateyourabilitytobefriendswitheachother?

2. Onascaleofonetoten,howdoyourateyourabilitytorespectyourdifferences?3. Onascaleofonetoten,howwouldyourateyourpresentlevelofcommitment

toeachother?Isitthesameasitoncewas?

4. Onascaleofonetoten,howsafedoyoufeelwitheachother?5. Whataresomeofthethingsthatyoudontfeellikeyoucansharewithyour

partner?

6. Whatcanyoudotocreateaclimateofsafetyandtrustwitheachother?7. WhatistheshapeofyourrelationshipwithGodonascaleofonetoten,both

individuallyandasacouple?


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COUPLEHowtoSpellLovetoYourWife:

ClosenessShewantsyoutobeclose OpennessShewantsyoutoopenuptoher UnderstandingDonttrytofixher;Justlisten PeacemakingShewantsyoutosay,Imsorry LoyaltySheneedstoknowyourecommitted EsteemShewantsyoutohonourandcherishher

CHAIRSHowtoSpellRespecttoYourHusband:

ConquestApreciatehisdesiretoworkandachieve HierarchyAppreciatehisdesiretoprotectandprovide AuthorityAppreciatehisdesiretoserveandtolead InsightAppreciatehisdesiretoanalyzeandcontrol RelationshipAppreciatehisdesireforshouldertoshoulderfriendship SexualityAppreciatehisdesireforsexualintimacy

Alwaysaskyourself:

IswhatIamabouttosayordogoingtofeelunlovingtoher? IswhatIamabouttosayordogoingtofeeldisrespectfultohim?

Thingstoremember:

Eventhoughfeelingdisrespected,pullbackfrombeingunlovingtowardher. Eventhoughfeelingunloved,pullbackfrombeingdisrespectfultowardhim. Whensheisbeingcriticalorangry,sheiscryingoutforyourlove;herintent

isnottobedisrespectful.

Whenheisbeingharsh,orstonewallingyou,heiscryingoutforrespect;hisintentisnottobeunloving.

Ifyoudefendyourlackoflove,shewillfeelunloved. Ifyoudefendyourlackofrespect,hewillfeeldisrespected. Ifyouhavefailedtoloveher,dosomethingloving. Ifyouhavefailedtorespecthim,dosomethingrespectful. Thebestwaytomotivateherisbymeetingherneedforlove. Thebestwaytomotivatehimisbymeetinghisneedforrespect.

Discussionstarters:1. Areloveandrespectthesamething?2. Definelove.3. Definerespect.4. Doyouagreeordisagreewiththepremisebehindtodaysclass(menneed

respect,womenneedlove)?


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EmotionalIntelligence

TakenfromthebookEmotionalIntelligencebyDanielGoleman.And,thanksto

Wikipediaforsomegreatsummaryinformationaswell.

EmotionalIntelligence(EI),describesaconceptthatinvolvestheability,capacity,

skilloraselfperceivedability,toidentify,assess,andmanagetheemotionsofone'sself,ofothers,andofgroups.Becauseitisarelativelynewareaofpsychological

research,theconceptisconstantlychanging.(takenfromWikipedia.org)

ThemodelintroducedbyDanielGolemanfocusesonEIasawidearrayof

competenciesandskillsthatdriveleadershipperformance.Goleman'smodel

outlinesfourmainEIconstructs:

1. Selfawarenesstheabilitytoreadone'semotionsandrecognizetheirimpactwhileusinggutfeelingstoguidedecisions.

2. Selfmanagementinvolvescontrollingone'semotionsandimpulsesandadaptingtochangingcircumstances.

3. Socialawarenesstheabilitytosense,understand,andreacttoothers'emotionswhilecomprehendingsocialnetworks.

4. Relationshipmanagementtheabilitytoinspire,influence,anddevelopotherswhilemanagingconflict.

Emotionalcompetenciesarenotinnatetalents,butratherlearnedcapabilitiesthat

mustbeworkedonanddevelopedtoachieveoutstandingperformance.Goleman

positsthatindividualsarebornwithageneralemotionalintelligencethatdeterminestheirpotentialforlearningemotionalcompetencies.(takenfrom

Wikipedia.org)

UsefulskillsinexercisingEmotionalIntelligenceEmotionalSkills:

Identifyingandlabelingfeelings; Expressingfeelings; Assessingtheintensityoffeelings; Managingfeelings; Delayinggratification; Controllingimpulses; Reducingstress; Knowingthedifferencebetweenfeelingsandactions;

(TakenfromAppendixDofthebook,EmotionalIntelligence

TheSelfScienceCurriculum:

ThissectionisAppendixEofthebook,EmotionalIntelligence:

ThemaincomponentsoftheselfdevelopmentsuggestedbyEI,are:1. Self-awareness:observingyourselfandrecognizingyourfeelings,buildinga

vocabularyoffeelings,knowingtherelationshipbetweenthoughts,feelings,and

reactions.


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2. Personaldecisionmaking: examiningyouractionsandknowingtheirconsequences;knowingifthoughtorfeelingisrulingadecision;applyingthese

insightstoissuessuchassexanddrugs.

3. Managingfeelings:monitoringselftalktocatchnegativemessagessuchasinternalputdowns;realizingwhatisbehindafeeling(e.g.thehurtthat

underliesanger);findingwaystohandlefearsandanxieties,anger,andsadness.4. Handlingstress:learningthevalueofexercise,guidedimagery,relaxation

methods.

5. Empathy:understandingothersfeelingsandconcernsandtakingtheirperspective;appreciatingthedifferencesinhowpeoplefeelaboutthings.

6. Communications:talkingaboutfeelingseffectively;becomingagoodlistenerandquestionasker;distinguishingbetweenwhatsomeonedoesorsaysand

yourownreactionsorjudgmentsaboutit;sendingImessagesinsteadof

blame.

7. Self-disclosure:valuingopennessandbuildingtrustinarelationship;knowingwhenitssafetorisktalkingaboutyourprivatefeelings.

8. Insight:identifyingpatternsinyouremotionallifeandreactions;recognizingsimilarpatternsinothers.9. Self-acceptance:feelingprideandseeingyourselfinapositivelight;

recognizingyourstrengthsandweaknesses,beingabletolaughatyourself.10.Personalresponsibility:takingresponsibility;recognizingtheconsequencesof

yourdecisionsandactions,acceptingyourfeelingsandmoods,following

throughoncommitments(e.g.tostudying).11.Assertiveness:statingyourconcernsandfeelingswithoutangerorpassivity.12.Groupdynamics:cooperation;knowingwhenandhowtolead,whentofollow.13.Conflictresolution:howtofightfairwithotherkids,withparents,with

teachers;thewin/winmodelfornegotiatingcompromise.

(takenfromEmotionalIntelligence,pg303304.)

CriticismsofEmotionalIntelligence:

1. EIistoobroadlydefinedandthedefinitionsareunstable;2. EIcannotberecognizedasaformofintelligence;3. EIhasnosubstantialpredictivevalue;4. Abilitybasedmeasuresaremeasuringconformity,notability;5. Abilitybasedmeasuresaremeasuringknowledge(notactualability);6. Selfreportmeasuresaresusceptibletofakinggood7. ClaimsforthepredictivepowerofEIaretooextreme;8. EI,IQandjobperformance;Discussionstarters:

1. Isthisavaluabletopicofdiscussion?2. Whatvaluedoyouthinkthisaddstoyourrelationshipswithothers?3. Inwhatwaysdoyouthinkyoucouldapplythistopictoyourmarriage

relationship?


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SexualintimacyTaken fromLove Is A Decision by John Smalley and John Trent.

Chapter 10: Keeping Courtship Alive in MarriageRomance is the act of keeping your courtship alive long after the wedding day.

Smalley offers three ways of keeping courtship alive with our spouse. They are:1. Developing a deep level of friendship through shared interests;

We must grow a friendship of shared interests with our spouses. Remember last weeks suggestion to become students of our spouses interests

2. Discovering each others relational tens and making plans to make them happen; Ask your spouse, on a scale of one to ten, whats a romantic ten to you? Write those things down! Follow up on them!

3. Celebrate the Moments of your life; Recognize your spouses contributions to your life. Celebrate this recognition through tangible experiences that will remain

memorable.

The cardinal rules of romance:

1. Make sure the romantic activity youre involved in receives your full, undividedattention;

2. Make sure youre doing the activity for your spouses best interests, not yours.For Twenty Creative, Romantic Ideas That Cost under $20: See page 141.

Chapter 11: Sex Is Much More Than Physical Intimacy

Does physical intimacy mean the same to a man as it does to a woman? Hardly.

The basic physical need of a man: In most cases, the sexual act. Coming in a close second, nonsexual touching.

The basic physical need of a woman: Meaningful communication, nonsexual touching, and then sex.

This is where the tremendous value of a man is required. Men need to nurture theirrelationships in order for them to flourish. At the heart of nurturing our loves ones areproviding:

Deep-seated security; Meaningful conversation; Emotional/romantic times; and

Positive physical touching;

Two important characteristics are required for intimate relations. They are:Purity of character: This requires being honest, dedicated, comforting and emotionallyavailable.Showing honour and respect: Encourage your spouse, dont put them down, dont putunfair or disrespectful demands upon your spouse, love and appreciate the uniquenessand beauty of your spouse.


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Group discussion:

1. In what ways do you keep courtship alive in your relationship?2. On a scale of one to ten, whats a romantic ten to you?3.

What is one recent moment of recognition that you would like to celebrate for yourspouse?

4. What are some creative, romantic ideas?5. What are some barriers to romantic behaviour? What would it take to remove these

romantic barriers?

6. Do you agree with the differences in the basic physical needs of men and women asdefined in this weeks handout? Why or why not?

7.

How do the differences in male-female physical needs affect your attitude towardyour partner?

8. It is as important for a man to have feelings of adequacy as it is for a woman to haveher need for intimacy fulfilled. How can a wife motivate her husband through heracceptance of him as a man who has different thought patterns and emotions than shehas?

9. Where does the responsibility to maintain a healthy physical relationship lie, with thehusband, with the wife, or with both? In what ways can each spouse contribute to thisaspect of a relationship?


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PlayingTogether

Ifamaninsistedonbeingserious,andneverallowedhimselfabitoffunandrelaxation,hewouldgomadorbecomeunstablewithoutknowingit.(Arp,pg.151

163)

SecretOne:DeveloptheDatingHabit

Thereareplentyofexcusesastowhycouplesdontdate.But,insteadofexcuses,

focusonthereasonswhyyoushoulddate:1. Datinghelpsyoufocusonyourmarriage;2. Datingrestoresyourcommunication;3. Datingpreventsboredom;4. Datingbuildsyourrelationship;

Howmatescandate:

1. Proposaldategotoapublicplaceandaskyourmatetomarryyouagain.Reminisceaboutyourfirstdates,howyoufirstmet,etc.

2. WorkoutdateExercisetogether.3. PhotodateGoonadatetosomewherescenic,bringalongacamera,andtake

somepicturesofoneanother.4. WindowshoppingdateGoshoppingtogetherwhenthestoresareclosed.That

way,youdontspendmoney.Youjustlookfromafar.

5. HomeDepotdateDiscusshomerenoprojectsandwhatyoudliketodoaroundthehouse.

6. FormaldinnerintheparkdatePicnicinthesunorunderthestars.7. Backroadsdatetakeadriveinthecountryandseewhereittakesyou.8. GourmetcookingdateAttemptafancydinnertogether:planthemeal,buythe

groceries,andcookittogether.9. Imjusttootireddateputthekidstobed,ordertakeout,turnonthe

answeringmachine,popinavideoandjustrelaxandenjoyeachother.

Whatnottodoonadate:

1. Donttalkaboutyourkids.Youalreadytalkaboutthemallthetime.2. Dontchataboutinlaws.Itmightleadtoafight.3. Dontgotothemovies.Youcantinteract.4. Dontdiscussmoney.Formanycouples,thisisatensetopic.


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Creatingyourowntraditions

Traditionisentirelydifferentfromhabit,evenfromanexcellenthabit,sincehabitisby

definitionanunconsciousacquisitionandtendstobecomemechanical,whereastraditionresultsfromaconsciousanddeliberateacceptanceTraditionpresupposes

therealityofwhatendures.(Parrott,pg.164171)

Manyrelationshipsstartstrong,withtheheatofpassionturnedupfullblast.Think

ofRomeoandJuliet,BradandAngelina,etc.But,thisinitialpassionrarelylasts.Addgoingtowork,payingthebills,groceryshoppingandchangingdiaperstothemix,

andyouwillsoonfindthatpassionfades,fizzlesorattheveryleast,simmersata

lowerheat.

Youcantexpectyourmarriagestobealongrunningcinematicfairlytale.Those

coupleswhoholdontothisfaultyexpectationendupdrinkingthepoisonof

adulteryortradingpartnerstoreinventthefantasy,hopingthatthistimetheyllget

itright.(Parrott,165)

TheSecrettoLongLastingLove

Doeverythingyoucaninyourfirstfewyearsofmarriagetoestablishhabitsand

traditionsoflovingbehaviour.

Categoriesoftraditions:

1. ThelittleonesHaveyoueverbeenbittenbyanelephant?Probablynot.Haveyoueverbeenbittenbyamosquito?Probablyso.Thisillustratesthatthelittle

thingsmeanalot.

o Howyousaygoodbyeinthemorningorgreeteachotheratnight;o Saypleaseandthankyou;o Areyoumorepolitewithstrangersthanyouarewithyourspouse?

2. MakedatingahabitMaketimeforregularcoupletime,withnodistractions.o Gooutfordinner,gotoamovieorforalongromanticwalk;o Consideranovernightstayatahoteleveryfewmonthsandaoneweek

vacationeveryyear;

o Itsimportanttomakethiscoupletime,evenafterkidsarrive;3. Createholidaytraditionsofyourown:

o Whentwopeoplecometogether,theybringdistincttraditionswiththem.o Eachpersonstraditionsneedstoberespected;o Trytomakeyourowntraditions,distinctfromindividualtraditions;o Itsimportantthatasyoublendyourmarriagetogetheryoukeepsome

holidaysforyourowntraditionsanddiscusswaystoblend.(Parrott,

170)

Discussionstarters:

1. Doyoufindthelittleonestoughtodo?2. Haveyouhadchallengesdecidingbetweenconflictingtraditionsdifferent

expectationsforChristmas,forexample?Howdidyouresolvetheseitems?


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Moms&DadsWhatMatters?

FamilyMatters 40

ImportanceofSelf

Inpsychology,self-esteemreflectsaperson'soverallevaluationorappraisalofhisor

herownworth.

Self-esteemencompassesbeliefs(forexample,"Iamcompetent/incompetent")and

emotions(forexample,triumph/despair,pride/shame).Behaviormayreflectself-esteem(forexample,assertiveness/shyness,confidence/caution).

Psychologistsusuallyregardself-esteemasanenduringpersonalitycharacteristic

(traitself-esteem),thoughnormal,short-termvariations(stateself-esteem)occur.

Self-esteemcanapplyspecificallytoaparticulardimension(forexample,"IbelieveI

amagoodwriter,andfeelproudofthatinparticular")orhaveglobalextent(for

example,"IbelieveIamagoodperson,andfeelproudofmyselfingeneral").

Synonymsornear-synonymsofself-esteeminclude:self-worth,self-regard,self-respect,

self-love(whichcanexpressovertonesofself-promotion),self-integrity.Self-esteemisdistinctfromself-confidenceandself-efficacy,whichinvolvebeliefsaboutabilityand

futureperformance.(Selfesteem,Wikipedia)

Discussionstarters:

1. Doyouthinkitisimportanttoencouragedevelopmentofselfwithinamarriagerelationship?Whyorwhynot?

2. Inwhatwayscananindividualbecomelostinamarriage/familyrelationship?3. Howcanacoupleencouragedevelopmentofselfwithinamarriagerelationship?4. Arecertaincharacteristicsrequiredinamarriagebeforedevelopmentofselfcan

comfortablybedeveloped?(forexample:security,comfortwithyourspouse,

etc.)?5. Inwhatwayscanlackofselfharmamarriagerelationship?


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FinancesMatter

FamilyMatters 43

FinancesMatterTheBestThingsinLifeAreNotThings(Burns,165181)

Therearetwoeconomicsystemsbattlingforyourfamilyssoul.Theworldsvalue

systemplacesemphasisonthingsandstuff.Godsvalueisinvestedinpeople,

stewardshipandbeauty.

Everyoneneedstodealwithfinancialdecisions.Badfinancial;planningcanplace

tremendousstressesonrelationships.Accordingtoastatinthebook,56percentofalldivorcesaretheresultoffinancialtensioninthehome.And,Jimalsomentions

thatsomeofthehappiestfamilieshehasseenhavelivedinsomeofthepoorest

conditionsintheworld.

Thequestionbecomes:doweneedalotofmaterialthingstokeepushappy?

FinancialcounselorsRonandJudyBluesuggestthefollowingfourstewardship

principlestoliveby:

1. Godownsitall;2. Thereisalwaysatradeoffbetweentimeandeffortandmoneyandrewards;3. Thereisnosuchthingasanindependentfinancialdecions;4. Delayedgratificationisthekeytofinancialmaturity;

Basicfinancialprinciples:

1. Spendlessthanyoumake;2. Abudgetisamust;3. Debtisslavery;4. Delayedgratificationistheanswer;5.

Give10percentandsave10percentofyourincome;

FinancialEducationforChildren:

1. Teachyourchildrenaboutandhelpthemdevelopastewardshipplan;2. Consideryourchildrensallowancetobetheirpaycheque;3. Teachyourchildrenearlytosaveandtithe;4. Helpyourchildrenunderstandthepositivepowerofabudget;

DiscussionStarters:

1. Whenyouweregrowingup,didyourfamilyhaveastewardshipplan?2. Whathaveyoudonetoteachtheconceptofstewardshiptoyourchildren?3. Whichsectionofthischapterchallengedyouthemost?4. Whatdecisionsdoyouneedtomakeasafamilyaboutyourfinances?5. WhatisthesignificanceofthefollowingScripture?Howcanthesewordsof

Jesushelpafamilywiththeirfinances?

a. Forwhereyourtreasureis,thereyourheartwillbealso.Noonecanservetwomasters.Eitherhewillhavetheoneandlovetheother,or

hewillbedevotedtotheoneanddespisetheother.Youcannotserve

bothGodandMoney(Matt6:21,24).


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FinancesMatter

FamilyMatters 45

10LawsofBuildingWealth

TakenfromMoneySenseMagazine,August2007:

http://www.canadianbusiness.com/my_money/investing/article.jsp?content=20070822_124206_4640

1. Knowtheenemy2. Talktoyourself3. Startsaving4. Don'tbetoosmart5. Getoverit6. Knowyouredge7. Bescattered8. Sweatthesmallstuff9. Beacouchpotato10.Sexworks


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FinancesMatter

FamilyMatters 46

Raisingafamilyonabudget


49/50

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FamilyMatters 47

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Documents

Family Matters 2008-09