Family Guy - The Real Ben Affleck (3)

FAMILY GUY

"The Real Ben Affleck"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

INT. CASINO (POKER ROOM) - DAY

Quagmire is seated at a poker table with MATT DAMON, PHILIVEY and a POKER DEALER. We see a booth with the TVannouncer/commentators LON McEACHAERN and NORMAN CHAD.

LON MCEACHERNWere back at the World Series ofPoker, here at the Quahog Casino,Hotel, and Ostrich Farm.

NORM CHADThis place holds the distinction ofbeing the worlds only indoorostrich farm, as well as thelocation used in the 1987blaxploitation film, Im Gonna KillYo Ass in a Casino.

INT. CASINO (SLOT MACHINES) - DAY

A BLACK MAN (30) is playing a slot machine. Right behindhim, an ostrich lays an egg, and a farmer in overalls walksover and collects the egg. The Black Man collects hiswinning from his machine and gets up. He sees BLACK MAN 2(30).

BLACK MANYo, man. Im gonna kill yo ass in acasino.

He attacks Black Man 2.


The dealer is shuffling the deck.

LON MCEACHERN (V.O.)And were down to three players:poker legend Phil Ivey, AcademyAward winning actor Matt Damon, andsex addict Glenn Quagmire.

NORM CHAD (V.O)Glenn has no Academy Awards, andtwo STDs. Thats one more than myex-wife. Shes a whore.

The Dealer deals each player two cards face down.

2.

QUAGMIRE(to Matt Damon)

Matt?

MATT DAMONCall me Mr. Damon.

QUAGMIREOK. ... Mr. Damon?

MATT DAMONYeah.

QUAGMIRECan you take your hand off of myleg?

MATT DAMONDont call me "Mr. Damon." Call me"daddy."

INT. THE DRUNKEN CLAM - DAY

Peter, Joe, and Cleveland are seated at a table and watchingthe poker tournament on TV.

PETERWow. This is getting reallyexciting. On the other hand, I canwatch the Three Stooges on my cellphone.

he takes out his cell phone and plays a Three Stooges video.

PETERAh ha ha ha! Moe just slappedCurly!

(shows his phone to Cleveland)Look, Cleveland. Look. I think hesabout to slap him again.


LON MCEACHERN (V.O.)Glenn Quagmire has really made aname for himself throughout thistournament, thanks to a brilliantcombination of audacious bluffs andsexual harassment.

3.


(Flashback scene)

Quagmire is seated at a table with seven other PLAYERS, allof whom have already folded, except for a busty FEMALEPLAYER who puts some chips into the pot. Glenn puts in anequal amount of chips.

QUAGMIREI call. I have three of a kind, andyou have a large pair. Of breasts.

She flips over her hand.

FEMALE PLAYERI have a full house.

QUAGMIRENo. You have a full blouse.

FEMALE PLAYERThis is a t-shirt. Can you pleasetake your hand off of my leg? Youknow what?! Im done playing withyou!

She shoves all her chips towards Quagmires stack.

FEMALE PLAYERHere! Just take my chips!


On screen, we can see graphics of the players hiddencards--Matt Damon: two "Draw Four" Uno cards. Quagmire: 2s5d. Phil Ivey: Jd 8d. The community cards on the table areJh As 7c. Quagmire puts in some chips.

NORM CHAD (V.O)And Quagmire raises! His cards areas worthless as my ex-wife--the nogood, dirty whore I pay $2,000 toevery month. She spends $200 amonth on hand lotion!

The Dealer puts a 6 of hearts on the board.

LON MCEACHERN (V.O.)A six on the turn changes nothing.

4.

NORM CHAD (V.O)And during our fifth anniversary,she slapped me, just because I saidthat I dont like Chandler fromFriends.


PETERI dont like Chandler, either.

Cleveland slaps Peter.


Ivey puts some chips in, Damon puts in an equal amount ofchips, and Quagmire raises.

LON MCEACHERN (V.O.)Quagmire raises!

Matt Damon flips over his Draw Four cards and puts them infront of Quagmire and Ivey.

The Dealer hold up a red (soccer referee) card.

LON MCEACHERN (V.O.)Matt Damon has just beendisqualified for playing Unoinstead of poker.

MATT DAMONYou sunk my battleship!

The Dealer puts a 7 of hearts on the board. Ivey taps thefelt, and Quagmire pushes in a bunch of chips.

LON MCEACHERN (V.O.)Quagmire bets ten million chips!

NORM CHAD (V.O)How much lotion can one woman puton her hands?! Thats what I wantto know, Lon.

Ivey throws his cards in the muck.

LON MCEACHERN (V.O.)Ivey folds!

5.

INT. GRIFFIN HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Stewie and Brian are watching the poker tournament on TV.Brian changes the channel.

(ON TV) INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY

JERRY SEINFELD is performing.

JERRY SEINFELDBreakfast is the most important andconfusing meal of the day. I mean,is there anyone on this planet whocan listen to Rice Krispies, andhear the difference between a snap,a crackle, and a pop?


Stewie laughs.

BRIANYou like this? I was about tochange channel.

Stewie puts a knife to Brians throat.

STEWIEBack away from the remote.


JERRY SEINFELDAnd why is it when you mix toastwith an egg, the whole thingbecomes French toast? I mean, doesthat work with other things? If youmix an egg with my wifes vagina,does that mean my wife has a Frenchvagina? Am I supposed to eat it, orgive it a French kiss?


Stewie is drinking milk--and he laughs so hard, the milkcomes flying out of his nose.

6.


JERRY SEINFELDAnd how come so many New York Citycab drivers have stupid foreignnames like Amal? And why is it thatwhen you get on an airplane, theflight attendants teach you how touse your seatbelt? Do they thinkthat if we dont get thoseinstructions, well use theseatbelt to choke ourselves whilewe masturbate on the plane? OK.Thats it for me, ladies andgentleman. Thank you so much.


STEWIE(laughs uncontrollably)

Hes right. Especially about howcab drivers should drive back towhatever foreign countries theycome from.

EXT. ARMENIAN VILLAGE - DAY

An ARMENIAN CAB DIVER pulls his New York cab up to aARMENIAN WOMAN feeding chickens in front of her home.

ARMENIAN CAB DRIVERMama. Im back from New York City.

She gets into the back seat of the cab.

ARMENIAN WOMANOK. Take me to Lexington and Fifth.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY - DAY

The Armenian Cab Driver reaches Lexington and Fifth.

ARMENIAN CAB DRIVERThatll be $32,514,765.15.

She gives him that exact amount of money in bills and coins.

ARMENIAN CAB DRIVERWhat--no tip, you cheapskate?

7.


STEWIEJerry Seinfeld is a creativegenius. I never knew art couldreach such an incredible level ofbeauty and grace. I mean,seriously--whats French about thetoast?

BRIANUm--Stewie, its just observationalhumor about breakfast andforeigners. Art is something else.Art is a painting. Or a sculpture.Or a novel.

STEWIEA novel? What--you mean like yournovel?

BRIANWell. Yeah.

STEWIEDoes your novel ask the importantquestions--like, "Whats Frenchabout French toast?

BRIANNo. It asks the importantquestions--like, "What does itreally mean to be a human being? Ora dog."

STEWIELet me just ask you this. Whatsthe deal with your novel, Brian?Seriously. Whats the deal with it?

BRIANThe deal with it is "kiss my ass."

STEWIEI mean, instead of writing mindlessdrivel, why dont you try doingwhat Jerry Seinfeld does?

BRIANJerry Seinfeld writes the mostmindless drivel of all!

8.

STEWIEIt is not mindless drivel! I willnot stand for you to sully theimage of Mr. Seinfeld! How dareyou! I mean, Id like to see youcome up with an insightful, wittyobservation like, "Whats so Frenchabout French toast?"

BRIANId like to see you come up with anobservation like that.

STEWIEWell. Id like to see that as well.... Oh my goodness, Brian! I justrealized what I want to do with mylife.

BRIANDoes it have something to do with aFrench vagina?

STEWIENo. I want to become a stand upcomedian!

BRIANGreat. Great. I think you should.

STEWIEReally?

BRIANAbsolutely. Because Im gonna pissall over your comedy the way youvepissed all over my novel.

STEWIEPiss. Piss. Thats a funny word.Maybe I can use that in my act.Piss. Or how about mango? Thatsounds funny, too. Mango. Mango.Mango.


Joe, Peter, and Cleveland are still watching the pokertournament on TV.

9.


The on screen graphic shows the players hidden cards--Ivey:4h 4d. Quagmire: Jd 10d. The Dealer puts an Ace. King, andQueen of diamonds on the board.

LON MCEACHERN (V.O.)Quagmire flops a Royal Flush!

NORM CHAD (V.O)If I had a seatbelt on my chairright now, Id use to to chokemyself while masturbating.

QUAGMIREGiggity, giggity, giggity, giggity.

LON MCEACHERN (V.O.)Quagmire is saying the word giggityrepeatedly. Do you think thats atell indicating that he has a bighand?

NORM CHAD (V.O)I dont think so, Lon. Quagmiresays giggity any time the waitresswalks by.

The camera reveals an ATTRACTIVE COCKTAIL WAITRESS near thetable.

Quagmire and Ivey rapidly bet and raise each other severaltimes.

LON MCEACHERN (V.O.)Quagmire bets, Ivey raises,Quagmire reraises, theres anotherraise, one more, five bet, all in,call.

Both players turn over their hands.

PHIL IVEYTwo fours.

QUAGMIRERoyal flush.

Phil Ivey picks up Quagmires cards and eats them.

LON MCEACHERN (V.O.)Glenn Quagmire is your new WorldSeries of Poker champion!

10.


Peter and Joe are still watching the poker tournament on TV.They see Glenn putting the stacks of hundred dollar bills ina sack, and then walking off camera.

PETERWow. Quagmire won.

Quagmire enters The Drunken Clam riding an ostrich, andholding the sack of money in his hand.

QUAGMIRE(announces to everyone)

Drinks are on me!

Peter immediately rushes to the bar, hops over the counter,and starts drinking beer directly out of the tap.

Quagmire sits down at the table with Joe. The Ostrich sitsnext to him.

JOEHow the hell did you outplay PhilIvey?

QUAGMIREHe has a tell. Every time he got agood hand, I got an erection.

INT. CASINO (BLACKJACK TABLE) - DAY

Stewie and Brian are walking through the casino.

A BLACKJACK DEALER is playing against Matt Damon, Norm Chad,and Lon McEachern. Matt Damon takes a Draw Four card out ofhis pocket and puts it in front of the dealer.

NORM CHAD(commentating)

Damon just gave the dealer two drawfour cards--which is illegal inpoker, but perfectly legal inblackjack.

The dealer deals himself eight queens.

NORM CHADAnd the dealer goes bust. I haventseen this many queens at one tablesince that buffet at Elton Johnshouse.

11.

Stewie and Brian walk into a casino cafe / bar.

INT. CASINO CAFE / BAR - DAY

A stereotypical BLACK COMEDIAN is performing for a smallAUDIENCE.

BLACK MAN...Aint no grapes or nuts in thatbox. So whys is the cereal calledGrape Nuts?

Stewie and Brian sit at a table in the back.

BLACK COMEDIAN(to Audience)

Knock knock.

AUDIENCEWhos there?

BLACK COMEDIANInterrupting otter.

AUDIENCEInterrupting otter wh...

The Black Comedian makes otter noises.

STEWIE(to Brian)(amused)

He interrupted us by making otternoises.

BRIANYes. I heard.

A WAITRESS walks by their table.

STEWIE(to Waitress)

Excuse me. Can you get me a scotchand orange juice, shaken, notstirred, in a Spongebob sippy cup,yellow, not orange?

BLACK COMEDIAN(makes otter noises)

You ever get in a cab, and you readthe drivers name, and its aforeign name, and its got,

(MORE)

12.

BLACK COMEDIAN (contd)like, like, one of those Os with ahappy face drawn in it? And you askhim how to pronounce the O happyface, and hes all like,

(Arabic accent)

"eklikhikhlisupercalifragillekhleh."

STEWIE(to Brian)

That was good--wasnt it?

BRIANNo.


... And let me just say this.Black folks--we dont drink juice.White people drink juice all thetime. Cause white people--theyrea bunch of juice drinkers.

Stewie is drinking from a yellow Spongebob sippy cup.

STEWIE(to Brian)

Thats true. Im drinking juiceright now.


But black people, we dont bedrinking no juice. We dont bedrinking no damn juice... the waywhite people be drinking juice.

Stewie is taking notes. In his notebook, we can see what hewrote: "White people drink juice. Black people DONT drinkjuice."

BRIANYoure taking notes?

STEWIEStand up comedy is my passion,Brian!


Cause if youre black, you dontdrink juice. But if your skin is

(MORE)

13.

BLACK COMEDIAN (contd)white, you got a fridge full ofjuice. Its like a Tropicanafactory in there, theres so muchjuice in that white fridge.

Stewie is drawing a carton of Tropicana orange juice in hisnotebook.

BLACK COMEDIANTheres juice on every shelf. Youlook on one shelf, and theresjuice. You look at anothershelf--and theres also juice. Morejuice. A different kind of juice.Or maybe the same kind of juice.Some white people have orange juiceon shelf one, and more orange juiceon shelf two. If they want orangejuice, they can go to shelf one, orthey can go to shelf two. They cango to any shelf---because theresorange juice on every shelf ofwhite peoples fridges. And let metell you about white people. Whitepeople--white people are all like,

(over-the-top stereotypicalwhite voice)

"Honey--can you pour me a glass ofjuice? Obama is a black son of abitch."

(back to normal voice)But black folks, were all like,

(over-the-top stereotypicalblack voice)

"I dont even know what juice is."Stewie is writing in his pad: "White people think Obama is ablack son of a bitch."

BRIAN(to Stewie)

Can we go now?

STEWIEBrian--dont interrupt me while Imworking.

BLACK COMEDIANAnd let me tell yall one morething. White people... like todrink juice. But black people--wedont be drinking no damn juice.

14.

Stewie is writing in his pad: "White people and black peoplehave fundamentally different lifestyles--especially when itcomes to juice."


JOESo what do you want to do tocelebrate your win?

QUAGMIREHonestly, I want to gamble. Onceyou win, you just want to playmore. You guys want to play poker?

JOENot me.

CLEVELANDNot me.

INT. QUAGMIRES HOME - DAY

Peter and Qaugmire are seated at a table with $15 millioncash and a deck of cards.

QUAGMIREI got $15 million on the table. Howmuch are you buying in for?

Peter takes out a $100 bill.

PETER20 bucks. You got change for ahundred?

Close up on Peters Spongebob watch. It says 2:00.

Cut to it saying 3:00. Stacks of hundreds are next to Peter.

PETERWow. Ive won a lot of money. Theremust be at least $40 here.

QUAGMIREPeter. Youve won $15 million.

Quagmires phone rings.

15.

QUAGMIRE(into phone)

Hello?

MATT DAMON (V.O.)Glenn Quagmire. This is MattDamon. Im having a high stakespoker game in my hotel room. Areyou in?

QUAGMIREWell, I just lost my $15 million toPeter.

MATT DAMON (V.O.)Put him on the phone.

Quagmire gives the phone to peter.

MATT DAMON (V.O.)Peter. Im having a high stakespoker game in my hotel room. Areyou in?

INT. DAY CARE CENTER - DAY

Stewie is performing for a bunch of other BABIES.

STEWIEAnd let me tell you something aboutbreakfast. Not only is it the mostimportant meal of the day--itsalso the most confusing meal of theday.

A Baby laughs, and then says to Stewie:

BABYHow so?

STEWIELike, lets say you want to eat acombination of grapes and nuts forbreakfast. So you open a box thatsays Grape-Nuts. And the next thingyou know, youre eating a bowl ofwheat and barley.

BLACK BABYDamn straight. Aint no grapes ornuts in that bowl.

16.

STEWIEAnd how come eggs turn toast intoFrench toast? Does that work withother stuff? I mean, do eggs turnHilary Clintons vagina into HilaryClintons French vagina?

BABY 2Why Hilary Clinton?

STEWIEAnd what about juice? I mean, whatis that word? Listen. Juice. Juice.Juice. Juice. Juice. Juice. Juice.Juice.

BLACK BABY(laughs)

I dont know what juice means--butit is a funny word.

STEWIEMango juice.

Everyone laughs.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY

A SECURITY GUARD opens the door to reveal Peter with awheelbarrow full of hundred dollar bills. Matt Damon isstanding there.

MATT DAMONPeter. Come on in. Let me introduceyou to the guys. The biggestcelebrity poker players in theworld.

The camera changes angles to reveal the players.

MATT DAMONTobey Maguire, Jack Nicholson, BillClinton, Mr. Ed, Spongebob, andSnap.

PETER(to Snap)

Where are Crackle and Pop?

SNAPHow the hell should I know? Werenot lovers or anything. Imstraight. You hear me? Straight!

17.

PETERFine. Youre straight.

SNAPSo. Do you want to hang out at myplace later? Just you, me and myhot tub.

MATT DAMON(to Peter)

Alright, Peter. Lets see how goodyou really are.

Close up on Spongebobs Peter Griffin watch. It says 4:00.Cut to it saying 5:00.

Peter is involved in a hand with Spongebob. Many bricks ofhundred dollars pills are in the pot, and stacked up veryhigh. Peter pushed a high tower of hundred dollar billbricks forwards.

PETER$4 million.

SPONGEBOBI raise.

He pushes three high towers of hundred dollar bill bricksforward.

SPONGEBOB$12 million, you fat son of abitch.

Peter pushes four even higher bricks forward.

PETERI raise to 30 million.

Spongebob folds his hand.

Close up on Bill Clintons Spongebob watch. It says 5:00.Cut to it saying 9:00.

The board is Jh, Js, 3h, 4h, 5d. Theres already a lot ofmoney in the pot, and Matt Damon pushes four stacks forward,each of which is high enough to reach the ceiling.

MATT DAMONAlright, Peter. I raise to $100million.

18.

PETERI call.

Matt Damon and Peter both turn over their hands: Jd 5h, andJc 5c. Old west showdown music plays in the background.Everyone gets up and hides behind a table, except for Peterand Matt Damon.

PETERWhat the hell just happened?

BILL CLINTONYou both have Jacks full of fives.

PETERWhat does that mean?

BILL CLINTONThat means you have to fight to thedeath.

PETERWhy?

SPONGEBOBThems poker rules.

PETERHow the hell are thems pokerrules?

SPONGEBOBHey. We dont make the rules here,buddy. If thems poker rules,thems poker rules.

TOBEY MAGUIREYeah. The last time this happened,Matt Damon fought and killed BenAffleck.

PETERBut Ben Affleck is still alive.

TOBEY MAGUIRENo he isnt. He was replaced bysome lookalike named Ed Smith.

19.

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

ED SMITH (a Ben Affleck lookalike) is with JENNIFER GARNER,and talking to a MAITRE D.

ED SMITHReservation for Ed Smith--I mean,um, Ben Outback.

JENNIFER GARNERBen Affleck.

ED SMITHWhatever. When are we gonna havesex?

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Ed Smith is in bed with Jennifer Garner.

ED SMITHI love you, Ed. I mean Ben. I loveyou Ben.

JENNIFER GARNERDont you mean you loveme--Jennifer?

ED SMITHNo.

INT. QUAGMIRES HOME - NIGHT

Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland are knitting sweaters.

The doorbell rings, and Quagmire opens it to reveal Peter.

QUAGMIREPeter. What happened at MattDamons room?

PETERBill Clinton sexually harassed anostrich.

CLEVELANDWhat about the poker game? Did youwin?

20.

PETERWell. I turned the $15 million into$150 million--and then me and MattDamon both had Jacks full of fivesin a $300 million pot, so I killedhim.

(to Joe)Youre not gonna arrest me, areyou?

JOEOf course not. I mean, you both hadJacks full of five. You had to killhim.

CLEVELANDYeah. Thems poker rules.

QUAGMIRE(to Peter)

Wait. If you killed Matt Damonafter that poker hand, does thatmean you have the $300 million?

PETEREven better. I took the money tothe casino, and bet it all on red36.

JOEDo you mean to tell me you turnedyour $300 million into...

He types on his iPhone.

JOE...$10.5 billion?

PETERNo, I lost--but I had a really goodtime watching that ball spin roundand round. Oh--and then later, Iwatched the Three Stooges. And Moeslapped Larry. Ha ha ha ha! Letswatch the Three Stooges.

Peter turns on the TV.

21.

(ON TV) INT. THE TONIGHT SHOW SET - NIGHT

JIMMY FALLONMy first guest just won the WorldSeries of Poker. Give it up forGlenn Quagmire.

Quagmire walks onto the stage.


PETERIf thats the real Quagmire...

Peter points a gun at Quagmires head

PETER...then you must be Quaid.

QUAGMIREPeter--Im the real Quagmire.

Peter points a gun at the Quagmire on TV.

PETERThen hes Quaid.

QUAGMIREWere both the real Quagmire. I wasthere earlier today. The TonightShow is filmed five hours beforeit airs.


JIMMY FALLONSo Glenn. You won the World Seriesof Poker. That is so awesome!

QUAGMIREYeah. Its pretty awesome.

JIMMY FALLONAnd youre also a sex addict.Thats awesome!

QUAGMIREI guess so.

Jimmy Fallon laughs and claps for a few second, and then hepunches Quagmire in the face.

22.

JIMMY FALLONMy next guests were both thought tobe dead--but it turns out thattheyre not. Give it up for ElvisPresley and Tupac Shakur.


Peter changes the channel.

(ON TV) INT. JIMMY FALLON LIVE SET - NIGHT

Jimmy Fallon is seated at his desk.

JIMMY FALLONWelcome back to Jimmy FallonLive--the show where I, JimmyFallon, broadcast live, and go headto head with The Tonight Showstarring Jimmy Fallon--the showwhere I, Jimmy Fallon broadcast ona five hour delay, and go head tohead with this show, Jimmy FallonLive. No matter which show peoplewatch, Jimmy Fallon wins! OK. Mynext guest finished third in theWorld Series of Poker, and hesalso the star of most of myfavorite movies. Give it up forMatt Damon.

An ostrich walks out to the stage, gives Jimmy Fallon ahandshake and hug, and then sits down.


PETERTheres the replacement we foundfor Matt Damon.

QUAGMIREPeter--thats an ostrich.

PETERYeah--but hes a really crappyactor, just like Matt Damon.

23.


JIMMY FALLONMatt--were so happy to have you onthe show. This is so awesome. MattDamon!

OSTRICHEeeeaaah!

JIMMY FALLON(laughs)

I know. I was thinking the samething.

OSTRICHEeeeeh!

JIMMY FALLON(laughs)

Yeah. I know. Ben Affleck istotally like that.

The Ostrich lays an egg.

JIMMY FALLONYou just laid an egg! That is sogreat that you just laid an egg.

(laughs and claps)

INT. QUAGMIRES HOME - DAY

PETERIs it just me, or does Matt Damonlook a lot thinner and whiter thanhe used to?

CLEVELANDThats the ostrich. Remember?

PETERWait. If thats the ostrich...

(takes out a gun and points itat Cleveland)

...then you must be Quaid!

24.


JIMMY FALLONOK. My next guest is a really,really funny comedian. Give itup for the really, really funny,Stewie Griffin.

Stewie walks on to the part of stage where stand upcomedians perform.

STEWIEJuice. Juice. Juice. Juice.

The audience laughs a little, and Jimmy Fallon (still at hisdesk) starts laughing hysterically.

STEWIEMango juice.

Jimmy Fallon is once again laughing hysterically.

JIMMY FALLONI dont know what that baby issaying--but it sounds hilarious.

STEWIEHave you ever been eating breakfastand thought, "This is the mostimportant and confusing meal of theday?"

JIMMY FALLON(laughs and claps)

What the hell is that baby saying?

STEWIEI mean, sometimes you want grapesand nuts--and then you open a boxthat says Grape-Nuts. And there areno grapes in it.

The audience laughs.

STEWIEOr nuts.

The audience laughs much harder.

STEWIEWhats next? Are they gonna putHilary Clintons vagina in a box,and call it Strawberry Seeds?

25.

The audience laughs again.


Peter, Quagmire, and Joe are still watching the show, alongwith Bill Clinton, whos laughing hard and standing next toSpongebob and BORIS YELTSIN.


STEWIELunch is confusing, too. I mean,you order a hamburger and Frenchfries--and you get no ham.


STEWIEAnd nothing French.


STEWIEBut breakfast is more confusingthan lunch. You eat a grapefruitand French toast, and you get nograpes.


STEWIEAnd nothing French.


STEWIEAnd whats with Taco Bell? Why pairthose two things together? Hasanyone ever thought, "You know whatwould be good with this taco? Abell."

The audience laughs again.

STEWIEWhats next? Burrito tuba?

More laughter.

26.

STEWIEMost cab drivers are foreigners.

More laughter.

STEWIEDo black people even drink juice?

More laughter.

JIMMY FALLONOK. My next guest was the star ofthe hit sitcom Seinfeld. Ladies andgentleman, give it up for JerrySeinfeld.

JERRY SEINFELD runs up to Stewie and beats the crap out ofhim. He then sits down with Jimmy Fallon.

JIMMY FALLONWow. You just beat the crap out ofhim.

(laughs and claps)

JERRY SEINFELDLet me just say this, Jimmy. Dinneris a very important meal, and avery confusing meal. I mean, howcome when you mix eggs withchicken, the dish becomes Dutchchicken? What if youre on a date,you both order Dutch chicken, andthen you split the bill? Does thatmean youre going dutch on Dutchchicken? And if you mix eggs withyour dates vagina, does that meanshe has a Dutch vagina? What if thetwo of you split her vaginas bill?Does that mean youre going dutchon her Dutch vagina? And why doesher vagina have a bill? Is she aDutch prostitute whos charging youfor sex? Or maybe shes a Dutchduck, and thats why she has abill. But lets talk aboutbreakfast. Its a very importantmeal, and a very confusing meal. Imean, why do they call coffeecoffee? They took the word cough,put an ee at the end. What the hellis that? You might as well call tea"sneezey." As in, "The continentalbreakfast comes with juice, and

(MORE)

27.

JERRY SEINFELD (contd)your choice of coffee, sneezey, orspit-ee."

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Family Guy - The Real Ben Affleck (3)