1Everybody stalks a little. Lets face it. Stalking is really is just a manifestation of curiosity. While these images might be what comes to mind when you hear the word of a stalker, in reality you really need be worried about these guys
2No longer you need to sit behind someone in class or hide in a tree or whatever. Suddenly, people are willing to upload personal information onto the web.. Realizing the need to gather this information, the Prince of stalking himself Mark Zuckerberg created what he called The Facebook.
3Look at that guy. He single-handedly boxed out competitors like MySpace and Friendster. Since it was released in 2004, over 1 Billion people have joined; sharing their personal information, interests, and pictures to a flourishing online community. He built the stalkers finest playground.
A covert method of investigation using facebook.com. Good for discovering a wealth of information about people you don't actually know.
Mikey is so hot, I think i'm gonna spend most of the night facebook stalking him looking at his pics.4Urban Dictionary, the authority on this sort of subject matter defines facebook stalking as A covert method of investigation using facebook.com. Good for discovering a wealth of information about people you don't actually know. Rule #1: Use What You KnowSituation:
They frequent your gym
Sometimes they wear a UC t-shirt
They are similar in age
You think their name is Laura or Lauren
You are a coward
5Alright, lets illustrate the practice with a situation.
if I have to
6Solution: Advanced Search. While it has been stripped down the past few years, it is still a powerful stalking tool. The first guy failed because he has no idea what he is doing. The second guy has narrowed it down a little but by school has a long road ahead of him. The third guy is golden, he utilized the name And university search parameters, found the girl, and guess what..2 mutual friends!
14 - Profit327Once the stalkees profile has been located, it is time to mine whatever data you can. With the new privacy settings, this can often be limited, but most of the time you will be able to see profile pictures and general information, including mutual friends. If you do share a mutual friend, it might be time to call that friend up for a favor.
8Meeting in real life should seem unplanned. I know actually talking a to girl/guy can be intimidating for some stalkers, but if you get this far you can actually send them a friend request on Facebook.
Be sure to ask the stalkee basic questions: Oh, where did you go to school? Here do you work? Oh thats interesting!
Whatever you do, dont let on to the fact you already know all of this information.CREEPBALL!
Out of Your League
9Once they have accepted your friend request, it is time to really get you stalk on. Take this opportunity to completely judge them and make inferences on what type of person they are. Are they are worth pursuing, questionable, or just out of the question
10The main thing you have to worry about is the same-way-stander or the dreaded duckface. Its the same look! I feel like I am taking crazy pills!
They must be hiding something.
Mutual FriendsWall-to-wall feedPictures of them both.Events Attended11The next tool in the stalkers toolkit is the see friendship button - basically created for jealous Facebook stalkers. Click it and stare at a relationship you were entirely absent from. Look at all the pics and events they have shared. Pick it apart piece by piece. Learn to hate people you don't even know.
LieMore Lies12Facebook chat is something I have grown to love and hate. On one hand It allows you to spark a conversation that seems unplanned. You are on Facebook, Im here, no big deal. Its a seemingly nonchalant approach when compared to calling or texting.
On the other hand, it is buggy as hell and there is a large risk of sending unrequited messages.embarrassing
Stalk in Private
Cell Phone or Drunk Creeping 13Some basic Dos and Donts:DOStick to Facebook stalking in private. Close all of your tabs when you leave your computer! If the evidence isnt there, it never happened, right?
DONT.creep on you cell phone. It is much easier to accidentally like something on a touch screen. For example, a picture of your ex and their new boyfriend or girlfriend. Awkward!
14And this fine young gentleman here, he is probably leaving an awfully thought out message that he thinks is HILARIOUS at the time. For this scenario I would recommend Webroots social media sobriety test, Its like a roadside test for your finger to protect yourself from this sort of thing.
Play Farmville15DOtake it EASY???. Checking out your ex to see if they downgraded is fine. But to check out their new boyfriends job, friends, his fraternity etc is going overboard. Dont even think about friending him either. Walk away from your computer, stretch, and take some deep breaths.
DontPlay Farmville. It is the only thing creepier than stalking. Test: Are You a Stalker?- Have you ever become friends with somebody just to see their pictures?- Have you ever gone through 200 pictures of somebodys album you arent even friends with?- Do you toggle your Facebook chat online/offline so people wont see that you are online 24/7?16Are You a Stalker?- Have you ever tagged somebody in a picture you arent in and didnt even take?- Do you have anybodys number in your phone because you saw it on their Facebook profile? - Are you the first to comment when somebody has changed their profile picture?17
18As you know - Facebook can turn the most confident people into crazy stalkers, and its OK. Whether you are clicking through 100s of pics or looking at every single post on their wall.Its not like we are sitting in a windowless van outside their house?! We are just reading what they want us to read! No Privacy settings?? No problem!
19And in conclusionStalking isnt even that weird anymore. In fact, it is beginning to be portrayed in modern and sure to be classic literature as a sign of devotion and love. Perhaps we should give Facebook due credit for this wonderful paradigm shift. I love you Facebook