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ExpatBackup,Issue2

ExpatBackup:GuidetoMoving

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Welcome

ThisGuidetoMovingisthesecondissueoftheExpatBackupemagazine.Init,IexplorehowtomakethemostofyourinternaFonalmove,frompackingupandleavingonecountrytogeGngseHledandfindingfriendsinthenext.

Usaidworkersmovealot,sowemayaswellfigureouthowtodoitthebestwecan,right?

WhatisExpatBackup?

It’sawebsite,blogandquarterlyemagazinethatexploreshowexpataidworkerscanlivehappy,healthylivesintheworld’smostchallengingenvironments.

Aspecialthankstotheglobalnomadsandexpertexpatswhocontributedtothe GuidetoMoving.Andtoyou,forcomingalongfortheride.

WhoamI?

I’malifelongglobalnomadwho’slivedtwodecadesinAfrica,currentlyinDakar,Senegal,whereIworkasaconsultantintechnology,healthandeducaFon.AndIlovetoexplorehowtoopFmizetheexpataidworkerlifestyleatExpatBackup.

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So,it’s9metomove

Moving,asanexpataidworker,ischallengingstuff.NotonlyareyourelocaFngyourhouseholdtoanewcountry,you’regeGngatotallynewlife.

MovingoffersusachanceatreinvenFonanditwhetsourtasteforadventure,forlearningnewthings,andforstretchingourselvestoliveoutsideourcomfortzone‐‐aplaceIliketocall‘theedge.’

Ifyou’reanEmbassyemployee,youmightgettoteleportyourstufffromonebeauFfully‐furnishedhousetothenext,astandardcarepackageofpots,pans,

sheetsandtowelsmeeFngyourneedsunFlyourairfreight,andthenyourseashipment,arrive.Eventhen,though,movingdoesn’tlooseitsstretchingcapabiliFes.Forallofus,itremainsachallenge.

Mostofusdon’thavetheteleportopFon,though,somovingisadoublechallengeoflogisFcsandpersonalreadjustment.

Asanexpataidworker,I’mguessingyou’vemovedatleastahandfulofFmes.IgrewupasaThirdCultureKid,andI’vestayedabroadforallbutacoupleofyears

ofmyadultlife,whichIspententhusiasFcallyenjoyingNewYorkCity.I’vemovedmoreFmesthanIcaretocount,fromEgypFanuniversitydormstostonehousesinZanzibar,to...yougetthepicture.

Here’swhatIknow.Movingisbloodyhard.SoIthoughtI’dmakeiteasier.

I’mafirmbelieverthathowwedoonethingishowwedoeverything.Howwemove,howwesaygoodbyeandseHleintoanewplace,bringsupalotofourmostdeeplyheldbeliefsaboutwhoweareandwhatwe’redoinghere.

Maybeyougettocalltheshotsanddecidewhentomoveandwheretomoveto.Maybeyouragencydoes.Maybeyougowhereveryoufindacoolnewjoborlife‐changingproject.Maybeyoufollowyourhusband,yourwife,or,ifyou’reoneofouryoungerreaders,yourparents.Maybeyou’removingtoyourdreamcountryandhavenoplanstoleave.Maybeyou’removingtoafull‐blownemergencyforashort‐termcontract.

Whateveritis,thebasics‐‐andtheart‐‐ofmovingremainthesame.

Solet’sgettoit.

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Changingcommuni9es

Everycoupleofyears,Ifeelit.Maybeyoudotoo‐‐agentlerumblinginmybellythattellsmeit’sFmetolooktowardsthehorizonandimaginemynextmove.Youmightcallitwanderlust,oritchyfeet,butwhateveryounameit,it’sthere,whisperinginyourearasyouunlockthedoortoyourapartment,callingyoubynameasyouwatchasunsetwithyourfriends.

Thesmellofpackingtapeandcardboardboxessendsathrillofadrenalincoursingthroughmybody,andmyeyesscanthehorizonforthenextadventure,whilemymindstartstoanFcipatemynewhomewithallthecuriosityofachildstarFngherfirstdayatschool.

Moving,asexpataidworkers,issomethingwelikelydowell,andalot.Forsomeofus,changingcountriesisalmostrouFne,somethingthatweexpectandcyclethrough‐‐thenewness,theseHlingin,thena^erafewyears,geGngreadytoleaveandstartthecycleagain.

Ifwe’reawareandmindful,thesetransiFonscanopenoureyestoplaceswe’veavoidedchange,tothingsthatwecanlearnfromanddobeHer.MovingkeepsusacFve,learningandevolving.Ifit’sdoneright,itcanbeaverygoodthing.

Thisshi^andtransiFonismorethanjustmovingstuffaroundtheworld,though.Whenwemove,weconsciouslychoosewhatourlifeisgoingtobelikeinanewplace.Wetakeourvalues,ourpreferencesandourdreamsandacFvelymanifesttheminanewenvironment.

Communityisthesinglemostimportantfactorinmyhappinessandsenseofwell‐beinginanewcountry.

Communitysurroundsmewithasenseofbelonging,ofpurpose,andofsharedvalues.WhethermycommunityissurfersinSenegal,expatwomenmeeFngforcoffee,orotherarFstsinmycity,tappingintoexisFngcommuniFes‐‐andcreaFngyourownwhenandwhereyouseeaneed‐‐iswhatkeepsusgrounded,informedandconnectedtoournewworld.

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Changingcommuni9es

Tome,that’swhatmovingisabout:changingcommuniFes.Notexchangingthem,buttransiFoningfromanacFvememberinoneplacetoanacFvememberinanother.Buthowdoyoudothat,consciously?Howdoyouseekoutthepeoplethatmirroryourheart’spurpose?Howdoyoufindthecommunitythat’srightforyou?

Inanynewcountry,you’reupagainsttheoldguard,someofthemmoreorthodoxandformidablethenothers.WhenIlivedinArusha,Iwastoldexplicitly,“There’sapeckingorderhere,”whenIsteppedoutofplace.Hopefully,thepeopleyoumeetwon’tbesomean,buttheymightbe.

Theoldguard,whowilltrytotellyouhowgreenandstupidyouare,howliHleyouknowaboutanythinginyournewlife.

Ignorethem.Findyourownway.Ifpeoplearen’tgoingtosharetheirknowledgewithyougenerously,letthemsitintheircountryclubssippingpinkginsandtalkingabouthowhopelesstheirdomesFchelpare.YouhavebeHerthingstodowithyourlifeandyourFme.

Here’showtoidenFfyandmovetowardsacommunitythatmeetsyouwithopenarms,andthatwelcomesyouasoneoftheirown:

1.Communi9esinvolvegenerosity,onbothsides.Bereadytocontributeandhelpoutatcommunityevents,givepeoplearideorotherwisemakeyourselfuseful.You’llfinditmuchappreciated.Themoreyougive,themoreyouget.

2.Don’trestrictyourselftosocializingonlywithyourprofessionalcommunity.UNandembassies,especially,haveFght‐knitcirclesthatareo^enhighlyinsularandinvokeanus‐versus‐themmentality.Gettoknowyourcolleagues,forsure,butdon’tlimityourselftotheirfenced‐invisionofyournewcountry.Discoverthingsforyourself.

3.Ac9velyseekoutcommuni9esaroundyourinterests.ThebiggerthepopulaFonofyournewhome,theeasierthiswillbe.StartwithanInternetsearchof“yourinterest+yourcity”andseewhereitleads.Seekoutnotjustcalendarevents,butpeoplewhoareposFngandlisFngnewthings.Emailthemwithashortthank‐youoraquickquesFon,showingthemthatyou’vedoneyourresearchandareacFvelyreachingout.Youneverknowwhereitmaylead.

4.Approachmakingfriendsasanexercise,notanendinitself.Sure,itwilltakeyouawhiletohaveamobilefullofnumbersofpeoplehappytomeetupwithyouforana^er‐workdrink,butthat’sokay.It’saprocess.InthemeanFme,enjoythesolitude.Whenyou’renotout,letyourselfseHleandbekindtoyourself.Yogaclasses,massages,longbaths,home‐cookedmeals,allofthesecanhelpyougroundandseHle,andthey’renice.

5.You’renotgoingtolikeeveryone.Followupwiththepeopleyougenuinelyconnectwith.Gentlyletgoofthoseyoudon’t.Gradually,you’llhaveahandfulofsolid,goodpeoplewhoappreciateyouandwhoyouenjoyspendingFmewith.

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Expatminimalism,or“DoyoureallyneedanotherAfricanmask?”

BeforeIle^Monroviaafewweeksago,Iminimalizedmystuff.IsayminimalizingbecausetherewasadeeperreasonforgeGngridofthings.Itwasn’tjustbecauseI’mmoving.Ingeneral,Ihavetoomuchstuff.

Weallhavetoomuchstuff.Let’sfaceit.Unlessyou’reoneofthosebloggerslivingwithlessthan100things,you’reprobablywishingitwasn’tsohardtocloseyour

suitcaserightnow.WheneverImove,ItryrestrictmybelongingsdowntowhatIcancarry,butit’saprocess.

WhenImovedtoLiberia,IarrivedwithonlywhatIcouldcarry.Therewasnoshipmentcoming.Thatwasit.Overtheyears,Iaccumulatedahousehold:lamps,afoodprocessor,lotsofbooks.ThequesFonwas,didIreallyneedtotakeitallwithme?

I’vefounditextremelyliberaFngnottocarryaroundsomuchstuff.WhateverIneedthatIdon’tcarrywithme,IcanusuallybuywhenIgetthereandsellwhenIleave.

Here’showImovewithless:

1. IcarrymycorebelongingswhenIfly,checkingextrabagsbutstoppingatwhatIcanreasonablymaneuverandcarry.OnceIarrive,wepurchasewhateverelseIneedlocally,supporFngtheeconomyanddiscoveringsomegreatfindsintheprocess.

2. Extrastuff,likeartsuppliesandextrasurSoards,I’llcarrybackwhenIreturntovisit.Thiswouldn’tworkfora longerdistancemove,unlessyoubuyyourfriendaFckettocomevisityouandtheycarrythingsforyou.O^en,thepriceoftheirplaneFcketisbeHerthanthepriceandhassleofshippingyourstuff,especiallybecauseyougettheseethem.JustmakesuretheyunpackandpackthebagssothattheycananswerthoseairportsecurityquesFonswithconfidence.Theextrastuffisstuffyoudon’tmindwaiFngfor.

That’sit.MyexpensesaremuchlowerbecauseI’mnotcarFngaroundabunchofstuffIdon’treallywantorneed.

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Expatminimalism,or“DoyoureallyneedanotherAfricanmask?”

IfindalotofwhatIown,clothesincluded,IkeepbecausetheyrepresentanemoFonalaHachmenttothepast.Igivethesethingsthepowertoremindme ofafriend,anadventure,orwithsouvenirs,ofaplaceIenjoyed.SomeFmes,IkeepbecauseIfindthembeauFful.Buthowmanyofthesecarpets,woodcarvings,ormasksdoIwant,really?HowmanycanIputinmyflatrightnow?

Inthehand‐carriedbelongingsthatIbroughttoNewYorkyearsago,fromEastAfrica,IcarriedanIraqicarpetthatmymothergaveme.Inmyself‐imposedlimitofhangbaggage,twobagsandmybackpack,itmadethecutandIneverregreHedit.ThenIworeoutthecarpetwithgooduseandalotspilledredwine,anditdidn’tmakemynextmove.That’sokay.Ienjoyedit.

MovingwithlessmakessensebecauseitencouragesmetoexaminewhatIreallyneed,andwhyI’mbuyingallthisstuffinthefirstplace.DoIreallyneedsomanyeBaydressesorkikois?I’maskinggently,butwhatamIdoing?

Ofcourse,I’mjustdoingwhateveryoneelseis:consuming.I’mnotgoingtostop,I justwanttobeconsciousofmychoices.

IwantwhatIbuytoposiFvelyimpacttheplanet,andtheeasiestwaytodothatistobuyless.It’seasierthangoingveganororganic,orswearingoffeverusingplasFc.Itjustis.

WhenIwasjustinFrance,Itraveledtoseeafriendandle^thehouseintheearlymorningcarryingonlyabackpack.Itwaswonderful,theknowledgethatIwaslightandmobileIfeltfree,anditwaseasytomove,towalk,toenjoythejourney.Ilovedit.Iwantthatfeelingagain,alltheFme.

I’vealsonoFcedthatIworkbeHerwhenit’squiet.Iliketoworkwiththesoundsofnaturearoundme,therainonthezincroof,thewavesfromtheocean,butnothingelse.Thatneedforquietextendstophysicalspace,aswell.Iliketheretobeasfewthingsaroundmeaspossible‐‐nopaperweightonthedesk,nocluHerofreceiptsandbooksandglassesonthedresser.Itreasurethatsimplicity,becausetobemymostcreaFve,IneednodistracFons.IthinkbeHerwhenIstareatemptyspacesthanwhenmyeyeswandertothedishesIneedtotakedownstairs.

ExpatminimalismisbeHerfortheplanet,foryoursanity,andforyourconsciousness.Now,Ijusthavetodecidewhogetsthosedresses...

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Sor9ngyourstufftoachievemorefreedom

Youprobablyhavetoomuchstuff.

BysorFngyourthingsintothreesimplecategories,youcanlightenupandenjoyawonderfulfeelingofminimalistfreedom.

1. Givingaway2. Selling3. Keeping

Itdoesn’tmuchmaHerifyou’reaUNemployeewithathousandkilosofshippingallowanceoraconsultant,likeme,wholikestoonlytakewhatIcan

carry.Sortyourstuffsothatmovingtoyournewhomecanbeafreeing,consciousandtransformaFveexperience.

Freeing,becauseit’snicenottohavesomuchweightandtobeabletojustpackupandgo.

Conscious,becausethestuffyouhavethatyoudon’tneedcanbeputtobeHerusebysomeoneelse.

Transforma9ve,becausewhenweexaminewhatweneedandlike,andlet

goofwhatwedon’t,wemakespacetogrow.

Here’showtodoit.

1.Setasideablockof9metocovereachareainyourhouse.Thekitchenmightneedanhour,yourbedroommightneedthree.Ifanareafeelsoverwhelming,treatthatsurfacetoitsownFmeblock,forexample,7pmonTuesdaytosortmyofficedeskdrawers.SchedulethisFmelikeyouwouldanimportantmeeFng.OneblockataFme,oneroomorsurfaceataFme,getthisdone.Keepitmanageableanddon’ttrytodoitallatonce.

2.Createyourowncriteriaforwhatyoukeepandwhatyoudon’t.Forme,thismeansanythingIhaven’tworninthelastthreemonths(excludingcold‐weatherclothes,sinceIcurrentlyliveinthetropics)andanythingIhaven’tusedinthatFmeaswell,withtheexcepFonofitemsIuseforworkorart.Rememberthatobjectso^enholdanemoFonalvalue,butthataHribuFngthatemoFonalvalueisachoice.IfyoureallywanttokeepthatgiraffecarvingbecauseitremindsyouofaholidayyotookwithyourmotherinKenya,fine.Justknowthatthecarvingisapieceofwood,your

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Sor9ngyourstufftoachievemorefreedom

holidayisinthepast,andthebestplaceyoucanbenowisthepresent.

3.Bepreparedtofeelguiltywhenyouthrowthingsout.LeGngthingsgodoesn’tmeanyoudon’tvaluethememoriesorthepeopletheyremindyouof.Itjustmeansyoudon’tneedtophysicallyremindyourselfofthemalltheFme.Yourexperiencesmakeyouwhoyouare,notyourpossessions.

4.Youaregoingtodividethingsintothreecategories:sell,giveandkeep.Getsomeemptyboxesforthethingsyou’llsellandgiveaway.Therest,youcanleaveunFlit’sFmetopack.

5.Oneitemata9me,decidewhetheryou’regoingtogive,sellorkeepit.Iftheitemhaslocalvalue,considersellingittosomeonewhocouldputittogooduse.Ifitdoesn’t,considergivingitawaytosomeonewhoneedsitmore.Weliveincountrieswherethegi^ofagentlyusedofficesuitcanmakeallthedifferenceforayoungwomanlandingherfirstjob.Ifyou’renotacFvelyenjoyingandgeGngvaluefromsomething,sellitorgiveitaway.

6.Makealistofthethingsyouwanttosell,andpostitonyourlocalexpatgroupemaillistorasimilarwebsite,newsle[erorcommunitybulle9nboard.Inthelist,

besuretoincludeyourphonenumber,emailaddressandthepriceyou’reaskingforeachitem.Itmaybehelpfultoscheduleallpick‐upsduringacertainblockofFme,toavoidanendlesschainofstrangersstoppingbytopickthingsup.

7.Decidewhocanbestbenefitfromthethingsyou’regivingaway.Igavemyoldofficesuitstoyoungwomenprofessionals inMonrovia.Thinkaboutwhoinyournetworkcouldmostusewhatyou’regivingaway,andmakeafewphonecallstoletthemknowyou’vegotthingsforthem.Matchingyourolditemswitharecognizedneedisoneofthemostrewardingstepsofthisprocess,asitlets

someoneelsegetvalueandenjoymentfromsomethingthatwasn’tbeingused.

8.Therearegoingtobeitemsthatyou’renotsureabout.Don’trushyourdecision‐makingprocess,justkeeptheitemsyou’renotsureyouwanttokeepornotintheirownbox,andwaitacoupleofweeksbeforeyoucomebacktothem.Ifyou’veforgoHenwhatwasintheboxinthefirstplace,besttoletthosethingsmoveon.IfyoufindyourselfwanFngtogoandgetthatpairoflinentrouserslateatnight,youmightwanttoholdontothemfornow.

9.Giveyourselflotsof9meforthisprocess.WhenIwasgoingthroughourstuffinMonrovia,IrealizedhowmuchIhadaccumulatedthatIdidn’tuseorneed,andIcommiHedtomoreconsciouspurchasinginmynewhome.

10.Don’ttakethistooseriously.It’sjuststuff.Ifyougiveawaysomethingyoufindyourselfneedinglater,that’sokay.Youcanbuyanotherone,andknowthatyouroldoneisgeGnggooduse.Youwon’tgettheprocessofconsciouslysorFngandminimalizingright100%oftheFme,andthat’sfine.We’relearningtoletgo,topurchaseonlywhatweneed,andit’saprocess..

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Movingwithpets

InCairo,IhadtwoofthemostadorableSiamesekiHens.Theywerepalm‐sized,immunized,andfedtunafish.IletthemeatyoghurtfrommyfingerFpsandsleepundermyreadinglightasIfinishedmythesis.

Andthen,itwasFmetomovetoTanzania.Leavingthembehindwasn’tanopFon.I’dseenmanyexpatsdiscardtheiradoringpetsa^ertheirtourended,andpromisedmyself‐‐andthem‐‐thatthey’dmakeittomynewhome.

MovingpetsacrossinternaFonalbordersrequiresapaFenceforpaperwork,butitcanbedone.Herearesomestepstogetyoustartedontheprocess.RulesandregulaFonsvarybycountryandairline,soIrecommendresearchingandstar9ngthepaperworkatleastthreemonthsbeforeyourmove.

1.You’regoingtoneedagoodvet,onewhoiscerFfiedinyourcurrentcountryofresidencetoofficiallyinspectanimals.Youmayhaveavetlikethisalready,butifyoudon’t,askyourfriendswhohavepetswhotheyrecommend.MakesureyourpethasalltheirvaccinaFonsuptodate,andthenecessaryvaccinaFoncardorpassporttoproveit.

2.Lookonlinetolearntheimportregula9onsforliveanimalsinyournewcountry.ThoroughlyreadandprintouttheformsyouneedaheadofFme.

3.Ifanygovernmentsignaturearerequired,researchandmakethosecontactswellaheadof9me.

4.CalltheEmbassyorConsulateofthecountryyou’removingto,andmakesurethatyouhaveallthenecessarypaperworkandthattheinformaFonyoufoundontheInternetiscorrect.

5.AssoonasyoubookyourFcket,calltheairlineandmakearrangementsforyoutoflywithyourpet.Someairlineswillletyouflywithyouranimalunderyourseat.Otherswillrelegateyouranimaltothecargohold.Therearelimitstohowmanypetscantravelonasingleplane,somakesureyourairlineknowshowmanyanimalsyou’recomingwith

wellinadvance.AlsoaskiftheyneedextrapaperworkordocumentaFon.

6.Arrangeforanairlineapprovedpetcarrier.Ifyou’reluckyenoughtohaveapetstoreinyourcountrythatsellsthem,great.Ifnot,theypackdownwellandcanbecarriedbywillingfriendsfromEuropeortheStates.

6.Lessthan48hoursbeforeyoutravel,thevetwillneedtoinspectyourpetsandcerFfy,onthegovernmentdocuments,thattheyarehealthyandfit

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Movingwithpets

totravelinternaFonally.MakesuretostaywithinthealloHedwindowanddonottakethissteptoosoon...

7.Pleasedon’ttranquilizeyouranimalbeforeyoutravel.Manypetsdiethisway,andtravelisstressfulenoughwithouttaxingtheirsystemswithstrangechemicalsthattheymighthaveverynegaFvereacFonsto.

8.Findavetinyournewcountryyoucancontactinanemergency,justincase.Thiswillalleviateanxietywhenyougetthere.

9.Besuretopackthecarriercasewithablanketoranitemofclothingthatsmellslikeyou.Don’tputanyfoodorwaterinthecarrier,butcarrysomewithyousothat,whenyouarrive,youcanfeedandwateryouranimal.Carryacollarandleashsothattheycanalsohaveapitstopassoonasyougetoutsidetheairport.

10.Carryaweeks’supplyofthefoodthey’reusedtoea9ngwithyouinyourluggage,sothattheydon’thavetogetusedtoanewhomeandanewdietatthesameFme.

Andthen,onceyou’vemadeallthesepreparaFons,breathedeepandhopeforthebest.

Anoteaboutpetsinanewhome:Animals,catsespecially,needsomeFmetoadjusttotheirnewsurroundings.TryrestricFngtheirmovementstoacertainpartoftheyardorhouseforadayortwo,toletthemadjustslowlytothenew

soundsandsmells.Thisalsoletsthemgroundandknowwherehomeis,andthatyou’resFllthereandfeedingthem.ItlessensthepotenFalforthemtorunaway,confusedandscared,andhelpsthemacclimaFzetotheirnewhome.

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Movingwithkids

Movingonyourownorasacoupleisonething,butwhataboutmovingwithkids?

Childrenwholiveoverseasareo^enidenFfiedasglobalnomadsor,morecommonly,as‘ThirdCultureKids’‐‐atermthatwascoinedbyDavidPollockandRuthVanRekenintheirbook,ThirdCultureKids:GrowingUpAmongWorlds.Accordingtotheexperts,aTCKis“apersonwhohasspentasignificantpartofhisorherdevelopmentalyearsoutsidetheirparents'culture(s).”Ifthatsoundsfamiliar,welcometotheclub.

IgrewupasaTCK,movingfromSouthAsiatoEastAfricatoNorthAfricabeforeIturned18,andcallingallofthosecountries,withconfidence,myhome.IsFlldo.Iknowfirsthandwhatit’sliketobeuprootedandplantedinanewplace,withnotjustnewfriendstomakeatschool,butawholenewcountrytolearn.It’snoteasy.

ThefollowingisinspiredbyRebeccaGrappo’spost,‘Whyasuddendeparturefromhomeisabighairydeal,’wheresheexploreshowsuddenevacuaFonsduetoemergenciesorpoliFcalinstabilityaffectchildrenandteenagers.Ihighlyrecommendherbloganditsresourcesforparentslivingandmovingwithkidsabroad.

10thingsforexpataidworkerstoknowaboutmovingwithkids

1.Movingisstressful.Weknowthis,butitbearsrepeaFng.ThebeHeryouandyourfamilylearntohandlestress,thehealthierandhappieryouwillbe.Takeconscious,concretestepstodiscussandnormalizethestressthataccompaniesmoving,fromtheseparaFonthroughthetransiFontotheseHling‐inphase.Letyourkidsknowthatyouwilldoyourbesttohelpandsupportthem,andmakesurethecommunicaFonschannelsareclearforthemtoexpressandsharetheirdoubts,anxieFesandworries.Listento

themsharetheirfeelingsandtrustthatifyoucanholdspaceforthemappropriately,theywillnaturallymovethroughthetransiFonlikethehardy,internaFonalyoungcreaturesthattheyare.

2.Expectsometears.Ifyourkidsaren’tsharingtheirfeelingswithyouduringthemove,askthemto.Valuetheirfeelingsandcreateasafespaceforthemtoshareandbeheard.Listenwithouttryingtofixanything,forthesakeoflistening.HelpyourkidsfindandsuggesttheirownsoluFonstoproblemstheyidenFfy.O^en,wejustneedagoodlistenerto

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Movingwithkids

helpusidenFfywhatwealreadyknow.Astellarbook,‘HowtoTalkSoKidsWillListen&ListenSoKidsWillTalk’hasgreatcommunicaFonsstrategiesforhelpingkidsfeelheard.I’veusedthemforyearsonadultsaswell,withgreatresults.

3.Understandthatyourkid’sexperienceofyourcurrentcountry’scultureisprobablyverydifferentfromyourown.TCKsabsorbtheirhomecultureandlanguagelikeopen,eagersponges.Theywilllikelyhaveunderstandings,aHachmentsandallegiancesthatgodeeperthanyours.AcknowledgetheirconnecFontoyourcurrentcountryandthatitis,inaveryrealandlasFngway,home.LeavinghomecanbringuptheKüblerRossstagesofgriefinyourchild,andit’simportanttorecognizeifthisisgoingon.

4.Theolderyourchildis,themoredifficultthetransi9on.Youprobablyknowthisalready,buttrynottomoveyourchildduringtheirlasttwoyearsofhighschool,oratallduringhighschoolifyoucanhelpit.MyfamilywasfortunateenoughtogetanextendedassignmenttoCairosothatbothmysisterandIgraduatedfromaninternaFonalhighschoolwe’daHendedforfouryears.Itmadeahugedifferencetoourfriendships andoursenseofbelongingasweentereduniversity.

5.Helpthemconnecttothefriendsthey’releavingbehind.ThismightmeanasummervisitorweeklySkypecalls.Whateveryoudecide,showyourkidthatyouvaluetherelaFonshipsthey’vemadeinthecountryyou’releaving,andhelpthemnurtureandgrowthoserelaFonshipsasbesttheycan.

6.Reinforcemessagesofposi9veandcompassionateself‐care.Thestressofmovingcano^enbringupourdeepestheldnegaFvebeliefs,fearsaboutbeinglovableandacceptedintoanewenvironmentandfiGngintoournewhome.We’reespeciallyvulnerableandneedeveryounceofcompassionandself‐awarenesswecanmustertonotfallinto

paHernsofself‐neglect.Makesureyourkidsareexercising,eaFngandsleepingwell,andgeGngplentyofFmetoplay.

7.Makeplansforyoungerchildrentomeetkidstheirownageuponarrival.Communityclubsorschoolswimmingpoolsareespeciallygoodplacesforthemtoplayandgettoknowotherchildrenofthesameage.Reachouttothecommunityyou’rejoiningbeforeyouarrive,togettoknowotherswithchildrenofasimilarage.

8.Stayposi9veandsetagoodexample.YourkidsarelookingtoyoutosetthetonefortheiraGtudesandpercepFonsaboutanewplace.Stayopen,cheerfulandposiFve,evenifyoudon’talwaysfeel it.YourprojecFonofconfidenceandposiFvitywillencouragetheirownnatural opFmismandso^entheuncertainFes.

9.Keepyourkidsupdatedonwhereyou’llliveandwhatyou’relearningaboutyournewcountry.Sharewiththemwhatyou’relearning,getthemlanguagelessonsifit’sappropriate,andgenerallyincludetheminthepreparaFonsandresearchyoudoaboutyourfuturehome.Maybehelpthemdoshortresearchprojectsondifferentaspectsofthenewcountrythattheycanpresenttothefamily.

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Movingwithkids

10.Helpyourkidsfindasenseofcontrol.Maybetheygettodecidewhat’sfordinner,orwhatmoviethefamilygetstowatchthatweek,butmakeanage‐appropriateefforttohelpyourkidsre‐establishtheirsenseofcontrolovertheirenvironment.Howeversmallyoureffortsare,theywillseembigtoyourchild.

GrowingupabroadwasoneofthemostformaFveexperiencesofmylife,andIam

immenselygratefultomyparentsfortheopportuniFesthatbeingaTCKgaveandconFnuetogiveme.

Ifyou’rethinkingoftakingyourkidstodevelopingcountries,obviouslythere’salotmoretoitthantheshortlistabove.Educateyourself,reachouttointernaFonalschoolguidancecounsellorsandotherparents,andcreateastrong

networkfortheparenFngchallengesthatyourlifestylechoiceswillbring.Butknowthatbyraisingyourchildinanewandchallengingcountry,they’rebecomingadaptable,adventurousglobalciFzens.

Theworldalwaysneedsmoreofthose.

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Takingabreak

Wedon’tdoanythingwellwhenwe’refrustratedandFred.Thesmallestofinconveniencesbecomeexcusesfortempertantrums.Trustme.Iknow.

IalsoknowthatthesimplepracFceoftakingabreakbetweenlargeracFviFesallowsustorestandrestoreourposiFveaGtude.Duringabreak,ournaturalpaFenceforourselvesandthepeoplearoundusonceagainrisestothesurface.Butwhenyou’reinthemiddleofaninternaFonalmove,theideaoftakingahalf‐hourtosit‐‐justsit‐‐canseemlikeasillyextravagance.

It’snot.

Researchhasshownthatourmindscanfocusbestforperiodsof90to120minutes.A^erthat,ourenergysharplydeclines,andsodoesourconcentraFon.TakingabreakanddoingsomethingresvulthatweenjoygivesusFmetorecuperate.A^erabreak,we’refreshandreadytogetbacktothetasksathand.

IsetameditaFonFmerformyselfduringthedaytomakesureItakebreakswhenIneedto.IfindthatifIdon’t,Ireplaymywell‐groovedhabitofpushingthroughmybody’snaturalsignalstostopandrestandallofasuddenitslate,I’mexhausted,andIrealizeIhaven’ttakenabreakallday.

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Takingabreak

TrytakingregularbreaksduringstressfulacFviFesandseehowmucheasiertheybecome,howmuchnicertoyourselftheartofresFngmakesthingsfeel.You’llsee.

Theideaoftakingsmallerbreaksthroughoutthedayappliestothelargerscheduleofmovingtoo.Planafewweeksinyourhomecountryoraholidaytoaplaceyou’vealwayswantedtotravelbeforeyoulandinyournewcountry.It’sessenFalthatwemakethisFmeforourselves.

OurFmeoffandawayisalsoanopportunitytocatchupwithbelovedfriendsandfamily.Thisiswonderful,groundingandincrediblyimportantFmetospend,butit’snotalwayseasytomake theFmeweneedforourselvesduringthesesvisits.SeemyrecentpostforhowtomakethemostoutofyourFmevisiFngfamilyandfriends.

WhetherornotyouhavefamilyandfriendsexpecFngtoseeyou,besuretoscheduleafewdaysofretreatsomeplaceonyourown,orwithjustyourpartner.Takeaweekendinthemountainsoratthebeach,orevenjustholeupinanicehotelwherenoonecanfindyou.EvenjustthreedaysofsilenceandquietFmecandowondersforyouraGtudeandenergy.

Ifindit’simportanttospendlongperiodsofFmeregularlyonmyown,especiallyduringtransiFons.Thesilencehelpsmehearmyownvoicemoreclearly,andidenFfybeHerwhatIwanttoprioriFzeinmynewplace.Thiskindofself‐awarenessbringsastrongfeelingofgroundednessandpeacethatIcantapintoduringthestressesofgeGngseHledinmynewhome.

Thethoughtoftakingabreakonyourownmayseemterrifying.Butifyouhearyourselfthinkingthatyou’dliketobeable tospendsomeFmealonesomeplacegorgeous,trustyourselfandscheduleaweekend‐‐orawholeweek.Beingwithyourselfisn’tasscaryasitseems.

I’llbewriFngaboutwaystomakespendingthisFmewithyourselfaliHleeasier,sobesuretosubscribeforemailupdatesandnotmissanything!

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Learningthelangauge

Ifyou’rereadingthis,you’relikelyanexpataidworkerwhowantstomakeadifference,butnotgiveupyourhealthorhappinessdoingso.Thatwouldbestupid,right?ThebestwaytotakeyouandyourbrillianceofftheinternaFonalmarketisbygeGngsickandunhappy,byburningoutandgeGngallcrankytonewcomersattheweekendbarbecue.

Wedon’twantthat.

Wewantyoutobeajoyful,groundedmemberofyournewcommunity.Wewantyoutopushyouredgeandlearnfrompeopleyouneverwould’veknownhadyoustayedathomewatchingYouTubeandorderingdelivery.

Todothisinmostnewcountries,you’regoingtoneedtolearnanewlanguage.

SpeakinganewlanguagemakesyourbrainworkbeHer,createsnewconnecFonsandintelligence.Italsoshowsthenewpeopleyoumeetthatyou’reseriousaboutshowingupforwhereyouare,andallowsyoutoaccessyournewworldinawholedifferentway.

Learningthelanguageisthesinglebestwaytolearnaboutyournewhome.

Ifyou’relucky,youremployerwillpayyoutodothis.Ifnot,thereareaplethoraof

onlineresourcesthatcanhelp.Someofthem,likeLiveMocha,havefreematerialthatcankeepyouworkingforawhile.

Thehardestpartofspeakinganewlanguageisthepartwhereyou’relearningit,reallylearningit,stringingwordsandtensestogetherlikeatwoyearoldandhopingnooneslapsyouorlaughs inyourface.PeoplehavehugereservoirsofpaFenceforpeopletryingtocheerfullycommunicatewiththemintheirlanguage.Butyouknowthatalready.

ThebestwayI’vefoundtolearnhowtospeakwellenoughtocommunicatewithoutscrunchingmyfaceupistogetatutor.Agoodtutorwillgentlycorrectyourspeakingmistakes,assignyoureadingandwriFngassignments,andpushyourdisciplineandprogresstoawholenewlevel.Atutorcandoinamonthwhatanindependentstudycoursecandointhree.Employthebestlocalyoucanfind,andknowthatit’sworthit.

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5 ways to find your new community

Whenyou’vearrived,startedtounpack,andarefeelinglikeexploring,herearefivethingsyoucantodoexploreyournewcountryanddiscoveryournewcommunity:

1.Getyourlanguagetutortomeetinpublic.Youalreadyknowthatlearningthelocallanguageiskey.Noexcuses.Hireyourselfthebestandmostaffordabletutoryoucanfindandmeetweeklyinacafeorbar.It’smorefunandyou’remorelikelytoconFnue.Plus,you’llgethelpperfecFngorderingandgreeFngtheservingstaff,whowillappreciateandenjoythatyou’retakingsomuchiniFaFve.It’saposiFvelyreinforcingcycle.

2.Takelessonsinsomethingthatinterestsyou.Maybeyouwanttolearnyogaorimproveyourdrawingskills,cookatastylocalmealorexpertlyrideacamel.There’ssomeone,somewhere,inyournewcountrythathastheskillsyouwanttolearnandwantstosharethem.Lessonsarealsoagreatwaytomeet

peoplewithsimilarinterestsandmakefriends.

3.GotoaCouchSurfingeventinyournewcity.JoiningandparFcipaFngintheCouchSurfingcommunitygivesyouachancetoventureoutsideyournormalcirclesandmeetpeoplewhoareinterestedingeGngoutandexploringyournewcountry.Takeadvantageoftheenthusiasmandtagalong!Formoreabouthowthecommunityworksandkeepsitselfsafe,readthis.

4.PostyournewcityonGoogle+orFacebookandaskyournetworkiftheyhavefriendswhereyouare.Friends‐of‐friendsofferagreatspringboardfromwhichtolaunchyournewsocialexistence.Attheveryleast,they’lltakeyououtwiththeirfriendsforaneveningortwo,andseehowyougetalong.Becourteousandbuythemabeerortwo,forthefavor.

5.Hostrandomdinnerpar9es.Invite

thepeopleyoumeetandliketoadinnerpartylaterthatweek.WeeknightdinnerparFesaregoodbecausethey’reshort,casualanddon’tinterferewithplanstheyhavefortheweekend.Keepthecookingsimpleandthegroupofgueststoaroundthreeorfour,andenjoywhathappens.Ifyougetalongwithoneormoreofthem,seeifyoucanjoininontheirweekendplans.Ifyoufindyou’renotenjoyingothersasmuchasyoulike,atleastyoutreatedthemtoyourhospitality,andyoudon’tneedtoseethemagain.

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Guestpost:LindaJanssenonemo9onalresilience

WelcometomyfirstExpatBackupinterview!

Here,IaskemoFonalresilienceexpertLindaJanssen,anAmericanlivinginTheNetherlands,abouthowemoFonalresiliencecaninfluenceaninternaFonalmove.Shewritesaboutexpatlifeandglobalissues,andblogsatwww.adventuresinexpatland.com.Inapreviouslife,sheservedasDirectorforPeacekeepingPolicyintheOfficeoftheUSSecretaryofDefense,andworkedcloselywithhercolleaguesservinginHumanitarianandRefugeeAffairs.Sheiscurrentlyworkingonabook,EmoFonalResilienceandExpatLife,basedinpartonasixarFcleseries.

Elie:Howcanemo9onalresiliencehelpexpataidworkersduringaninterna9onalmove?

Linda:Yourgloballynomadiclifeiscross‐culturalandhighlymobile,requiringfrequenttransiFons.YoudealonaregularbasiswiththeimportanceofidenFty(whoamI?,whereishome?)andidenFtydevelopment(integraFngandresolvingdifferencesamonghowweperceiveourselvesandareperceivedbyothers).

Con9nualmovementrequiresdealingwiththepainandlossofpeople,placesandmemoriesthatma[er.

WeatheringeachtransiFonbetweenposFngsisaidedgreatlyifyouareableto'leavewelltoenterwell'.YoudothisbyreconcilingunresolvedtensionsorrelaFonshipstofacilitatehealthyclosure;affirminghowmuchtheexperiencesandpeopletheremeantoyou;sayingfarewell inwaysthataremeaningful;andonlythenfocusingonpreparingforyournextdesFnaFon.

MostpeopledealingwithconFnualupheavalfindthemselvesgrapplingwiththestagesoftheKubler‐RosschangemodelastheyacclimatetoanewposFng:denial(whichcanmanifestitselfinwithdrawal),anger(orirritaFon),bartering,depression,andulFmately

acceptance.AchievingacceptanceofselfandplacecoincideswithbecomingseHledanddevelopingasenseofbelonging.

Exhibi9ngemo9onalresiliencemeansyoudothebestyoucanundertryingcircumstances,andyoudon'tberateyourselfoverhowquicklyorwellyoumanageeachstep.Itdoesn'tmeanyouwon'tgetupsetoroverwhelmedatFmesbywhatishappening.Instead,youacknowledgethesefeelingsandworkyourwaythroughthem.

Elie:Movingcountriescancausestressandanxiety.Howcanwemakesurewe'recommunica9ngourneedsandfeelingsappropriately?

Linda:Youcanemployself‐calmingtechniquestoquietnegaFveself‐beliefsanddecreasepersonaldistresswhenyouremoFonsthreatentooverwhelmyou.Itincludessending(andpickingupon)thesignalsthatyouorsomeoneyou'reworkingwithishavingdifficultywithtransiFons,andmakingadjustmentsaccordingly.Itisbeingheard.

ThiscanbedoneverballybysharingyourthoughtsandemoFonswithaclosefriendorexperiencedcolleague.Youcanventinyourjournal,writealeHervoicingyourfrustraFonsandthenburnitortear

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Guestpost:LindaJanssenonemo9onalresilience

itup,orwriteahearveltleHeroremailtosomeonewhocaresforyou.Itisalsowordlesslysharinganexperience,bondingtogetherthroughadversity.

Whenyoutrulycommunicate,youletpeople'know'whoyouareandwhatyou'regoingthrough,andtheysharethesamewithyou.

Elie:Movingcountriescanplaceenormousstressonourrela9onshipswithourfamilyandfriends.Inyourexperience,whataresomewayswecanmaintaincloseconnec9onsduringastressfulmove?

Linda:Inaword,youneedconnec9ons;youneedtocareforandnurturethoseconnec9ons.

ItcanbechallengingtoworkundersuchextremecondiFonsandthenhavetofacethedisapproval,concernorperceiveddisinterestofthoseyoucareabout'backhome'.RealizethatitisbecausetheycareaboutyouthattheyworryaboutyoursafetyandthecondiFonsinwhichyoumustlive.Sharewhyyouhavechosentodowhatyoudoforaliving,andwhyitmaHerstoyou;beopentotheirsharingtheirownhopes,dreamsandfrustraFons.Thekeyisnottowithdraw,buttoreachouttoothers.BuildfriendshipsonanindividualorcollecFvebasis.

ExpataidworkersformatribedrivenbysimilarmoFvaFonsandwithsharedexperiences.WhetherwithfamilyandfriendsyouleavebehindoryourcolleaguesinyournewposFng,developandcelebrateritualsreflecFngwhatmaHerstoyou,andhonoryourmemories.

Justasyoupossessgreatempathyforthoseyouserve,remembertoalsoemployempathyonyourselfandthoseservingwithyou.

Elie:Visualiza9onisanincrediblypowerfultoolforhelpingustoreframehowweviewanewenvironment.Howcanexpataidworkersusevisualiza9ontorelievemoving‐relatedanxiety?

Linda:ForanexpataidworkerheadingtoanewposFng,itcanbetempFngtoworrythatthingsmightnotgosmoothlyduringthemoveorrecallproblemswithprevioustransiFons.

Visualiza9onhelpsreframeourapproachtoasitua9on.

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Guestpost:LindaJanssenonemo9onalresilience

You'lldealwithissuesastheyariseandmoveon.Remindyourselfthatwhilesomethingsmaynotgoasplanned,youareexperienced,knowledgeable,resourceful,thinkwellonyourfeetandareapersonofacFon.IfyouexpectaposiFvesituaFonandgoodresults,you'llopenyourselftobeingmorerecepFvetowaysthathelpmakethemhappen.Whatweimagineinourminds,sayaloudandwritedowno^encomestopass,somakesureyou'reusingvisualizaFonposiFvely.

IwouldalsoincludethefollowingastremendousaidstovisualizaFonand/orreframing:self‐care(sleep,exercise,healthyeaFng);stressmanagementorrelaxaFontechniques;keepingajournal;verbalizingconcerns,talkingyourwaythroughthemandrecasFngthemonebyone;reflecFonorprayer;andlearningtoresolveconflictinaposiFvemanner.

Elie:Movingcountriescanbephysically,mentallyandemo9onallyexhaus9ng.Inaddi9on,expataidworkersomenmovetowherethejobis,andmaynotbethrilledabouttheloca9onoftheirnew

assignment,especiallyifit'sanemergencyorhardshippost.Whataresometoolswecanusetoencourageourselvestobeop9mis9caboutournewhome?

Linda:Op9mismisnotfoolishlyassumingthateverythingwillbeallsunshineandroses.

Despitechoosingawayoflifeinwhichyouhelptheneediestamongus,itisonlynaturalthatyoumightnotalwaysbethrilledwithyournextjobassignmentorposFnglocaFon.Acknowledgethat,giveyourselfsomeFmetofeeldisappointment,andthenmoveon.

RememberthatpeopleneedyouthereandarecounFngonyou;it'sonlyforasetperiodofFme,sofocusinsteadonthoseyouwillserveandcommittodoingtheabsolutebestyoucanforhoweverlongyouarethere.Inhismostrecentbook,Flourish:AVisionaryNewUnderstandingofHappinessandWell‐Being,thefounderoftheposiFvepsychologymovement,MarFnSeligman,putforwardanewtheoryofwell‐beingbasedontheconceptsofposiFveemoFons,engagement,posiFverelaFonships,findingmeaning,andaccomplishment.Ifthatdoesn'ttypifythelifeofanexpataidworker,Idon'tknowwhatdoes!

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Thankyouforreading!

Thank you for reading this issue of the Expat Backup emagazine! I hope that you enjoyed it and found what I had to say useful.

Iʼd love to hear from you, so feel free to get in touch at elie@expatbackup.com.

And remember, this emagazine is free, so spread it widely! Iʼd love it if you showed your support by subscribing to receive email updates, so you donʼt miss a thing!

Love and light,Elie