Etiquette for Gentlemen

“Etiquette for True Gentlemen”

“The quality of a gentleman is measured by what he is and what he does – never by what he has. It is a code of instinctive decency, ethical integrity, self-respect, and loyalty. A knowledge of etiquette is of course essential to one’s decent behavior, just as clothing is essential to one’s decent appearance.”

from Etiquette by Emily Post

“Think before you act and decide which action you are going to take. Once you decide which action to take, do it sincerely, be considerate, be respectful, and most importantly, be honest.”

~ Peter Post

(Emily’s grandson during a luncheon on April 13, 2006.)


The True Gentleman is the man whose conduct proceeds from good will and an acute sense of propriety, and whose self-control is equal to all emergencies; who does not make the poor man conscious of his poverty, the obscure man of his

obscurity, or any man of his inferiority or deformity; who is himself humbled if necessity compels him to humble another; who does not flatter wealth, cringe

before power, or boast of his own possessions or achievements; who speaks with frankness, but

always with sincerity and sympathy; whose deed follows his word; who thinks of the rights and

feelings of others rather than his own; and who appears well in any company; a man with whom

honor is sacred and virtue safe.

~ John Walter Wayland


A Gentleman inEveryday Life


• Open and hold doors for others• Coat please• Help with her seat• Take my seat• Is this yours?• Stand at attention• It’s nice to meet you!• Take my arm, I beg of you.• Walk nearest the curb

Everyday Life Checklist:


Everyday Life Checklist: • Walking two or three about

• Let me carry that.• May I get you something? • Always return a borrowed item• Your watch• Be punctual• Apply constant verbal grace• Mindful conversations• Tip well and discreetly• Any personal hygiene is strictly forbidden


A Gentleman at aWedding or Funeral


Wedding Checklist:• Reply Promptly• Be punctual, arrive early• Do not bring a guest, unless your invitation

says, “Your Name & Guest”

• Where to sit• Be sure to speak to the bride, groom, and their

respective parents at the reception• Appropriate time to leave the reception• Gifts


• Be punctual• What to wear• Whose funeral do you attend• Note to the family• Graveside services• Attendance at wake• Flowers . . . in lieu of . . . ?

Funeral Checklist:


A Gentleman at aParty or Reception


• Nametag• Acknowledge your acquaintances• Address new acquaintances by their title and last name• Give undivided attention to whom you are speaking• If no tables are available, you should only have a drink

or your food in your hand – never both.• Never remove coat; always leave it buttoned while

standing• Don’t loosen your necktie• Being entertained at someone’s home• Always thank the host and/or hostess

Party or Reception Checklist:


• Reply promptly or before the date requested on the invitation. Every invitee is obligated to respond when an invitation includes a request. RSVP is the abbreviation for the French phrase respondez s’il vous plait, asking you to notify the sender of your attendance plans.

• You are obligated to adhere to your response. Only in real emergencies is it polite to cancel. If you have to change your response in any way, call the host immediately.

• Respect the invitation and don’t ask to bring (or bring) uninvited guests. An invitation is addressed to the people the hosts want to invite, and no one else. The phrase “and guest” will appear in invitations for events that welcome a guest. Be sure to give (and correctly spell) your guest’s name to the host.

Response to Invitations:


Meeting People


• Good eye contact• Effective handshakes• Making proper introductions

Handshakes are vital in social situations• Develop a comfortable handshake and keep it consistent. • Handshakes should not be too hard, or too soft. • Make a solid connection of the web skin between the thumb and

forefinger. • The host or person with the most authority usually initiates the

handshake.

Eye contact is another critical factor when meeting people

• Eye contact increases trust. • It shows confidence and good interpersonal skills. • Eye contact shows respect for the person and business situation. • Proper introductions help to establish rapport when meeting people.

Meeting People:


Authority defines whose name is said first. Say the name of the mostimportant person first and then the name of the person being

introduced.

Introduce people in the following order: • Younger to older • Non-official to official • Junior executive to senior executive • Colleague to customer

Tips to remember:• Keep the introduction basic. • Remember names for future reference. • Provide some information about the people you are introducing to clarify

your relationship with that person. • Always carry business cards. • Keep notes on people in order to follow-up both personally and

professionally.

Proper Introductions:


Know something about everything, so you will have varied topics to talk about. Party talk ping-pongs between politics, film, music, food and travel, so the more you have seen, heard, and read, the more well-expressed your conversation will be.

The Economist is the most versatile and unbiased weekly news publication.

The New York Times has the best arts and culture sections.

The Wall Street Journal has the best daily business news, plus arts and culture sections Tuesday through Saturday.

Important Tip:


Correspondence


Whether you have just met someone, or have known the personfor some time, it is important to follow-up within 48 hours.

Tips for effective letters or handwritten notes:• Use quality stationery • Use correct grammar and spelling• Always proof for typographical errors and misspellings• Use active words instead of passive• Use proper structure and layout • Avoid long sentences• Be concise and to the point• Do not forget to sign your letter

Letters usually contain the following elements: • Opener - the opener should be friendly and tells the reader why you are

writing. • Justification - the second paragraph reinforces your primary message. • Closing - close the letter by seeking the person to act on your behalf or

request.

Written Correspondence:


Mobile Telephones


• Never talk in elevators, libraries, museums, restaurants, theaters, dentist or doctor waiting rooms, places of worship, auditoriums, football stadiums, or other enclosed public spaces, such as hospital emergency rooms, buses, grounded airplanes, and most importantly, in the bathroom.

• Avoid ring tones set to play La Cucaracha every time the phone rings, as well as Beethoven’s Fifth, the Bee Gees, or any other annoying melody.

• Leave the “Blue Tooth” earpiece in the car. It is not a permanent fashion accessory and you are not captain of the Star Ship Enterprise.

• Do not place your mobile telephone on a restaurant table just in case it rings. You are not a gunslinger in the Old West sitting down to a game of poker in a saloon.

Using Your Mobile Telephone:


• By no means take a personal mobile call during a business meeting. This includes interviews and meetings with co-workers or subordinates.

• Never “multi-task” by making calls while shopping, banking, waiting in line, or conducting other personal business in public.

• Always maintain at least a 10-foot zone from anyone while talking.

Using Your Mobile Telephone:


A Gentleman andHis Attire


• Navy blue blazer• One pair of high-quality khaki trousers• One pair of high-quality grey trousers• One dark suit (navy or charcoal grey)• One white, dress shirt • Five basic dress shirts (color and conservative

patterns)• Five high-quality ties (bright-colored and

sophisticated)• Black cap-toe and/or wingtip (lace-up) shoe• Black or brown slip-on loafer

Basic Wardrobe Checklist:


• Hats and baseball caps• Always wear a undershirt when wearing a

dress shirt• Two-button versus three-button suit jackets• Worsted Wool is a man’s best friend• Belts must match the shoes – brown or

black• Socks are more important than we think• Watch with a leather or metal band• Lapel pin, not lapel pins (left lapel only)• Leather portfolio• Pen

Attire Checklist:


• Conservative and understated is critical

• Dark suit• White shirt• Bright-colored, sophisticated tie• Black shoes• Leather portfolio• Pen

Job Interviews - Dressing the Part:


A Gentleman at Dinner


• Being seated• Napkin• Taking orders• Bottle of wine• Glass of wine• How to hold the glass

Dinner Checklist:


• Meat• Soup• Bread• Pass food to the right

(counterclockwise)• Salt and Pepper• Restroom• Fork and knife at rest• Table setting

Dinner Checklist:

Dinner Table Setting


• Introducing yourself at a table with eight or ten seats.

• Do not begin eating until everyone has been served.

• It is best to order foods that can be eaten with a knife and fork. Finger foods can be messy and are best left for informal dining.

• When you are not eating, keep your hands on your lap or resting on the table (with wrists on the edge of the table).

• Do not season your food before you have tasted it.

Basic Table Manners:


• If you need something that you cannot easily reach, politely ask the person closest to the item you need to pass it to you.

• Engage in table conversation that is pleasant but entirely free of controversial subjects.

• Never use your mobile telephone at the table.

• Never set your mobile telephone on the table top.

Basic Table Manners:


A Gentleman attendsthe Theatre


• Arrive on time• If late, do not seat yourself until there is a suitable

break in the performance.• Always follow the instructions of the usher.• Do not talk or make unnecessary noise.• Do not applaud until the end of a complete musical

number; if unsure, do not start a solo ovation.• While taking your seat in a crowed theatre, face

the people already seated; do not force them to stare at your backside.

• While someone is taking their seat in a crowed theatre, stand to allow them room to pass.

Theatre Checklist:


EXTREME ETIQUETTENot Mandatory, But it Helps


• Gerbera Daisies

Bonus Stuff:


• Be distinctive, but be discrete• Learn how to cook at least one dish• Learn to make mix drinks other than

hooch (Cosmopolitan, Manhattan, Vodka Martini)

• Learn about different types of wine• Learn what cologne she likes (use it) and

what perfume she likes (buy it)

• Learn how to ballroom dance

Bonus Stuff:


• Learn how to play the piano, guitar, violin, trumpet, trombone, bagpipes, Irish whistle, kazoo or whatever. One word, serenade!

• Learn all about what you can do to help raise children, even if you don’t plan on having them.

• Try being more romantic. How hard can it be?

• Learn how to give a good massage.• Listen. I mean REALLY listen.

Bonus Stuff:


• Learn how to iron a shirt and use a can of spray starch.

• Learn how to properly tie a necktie, most importantly a bow tie.

• Use engraved stationery with your full name and lined envelopes.

• Maintain your integrity.• Follow “The True Gentleman”

Bonus Stuff:


Questions & Answers


Letitia Baldrige’s New Complete Guide to Executive Mannersby Letitia Baldrige

As a Gentleman Would Say

A Gentleman EntertainsHow to be a Gentleman: A Contemporary Guide to Common Courtesy

all three books by John Bridges

Etiquette: The Blue Book of Social Usageby Emily Post

Essential Manners for Men: What to Do, When to Do It, and Why

by Peter Post

Amy Vanderbilt’s Complete Book of Etiquetteby Amy Vanderbilt

Reading Recommendations

Documents

Etiquette for Gentlemen