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Essay Writing (Mock XAT-1 Essay)
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EssayWriting(MockXAT1Essay)
Essay1JustKeepSwimming.
Whileweknowthat'swimming'denotesanactivityinwater,onethatrequirestheuseofourlimbs,musclesandlungs,mostofususethewordmoreinitsmetaphoricsense.Wetalk,forinstance,of'swimmingwith(oragainst)theflow(ortide).Actually,allsuchmetaphorscouldbesummedupinonethat'sreallyaptswimmingthroughlife.
Thecircumstancesandsituations thatenvelopusconstitute life.Sometimes these facilitateourpassage through life,making itbearable (perhaps even enjoyable at times) sometimes, these render our passage difficult (perhaps unpleasant at times).Sometimeswepassthroughthemquickly,andsometimesweareinthemforawhile(even,perhaps,formostofourlives).
Sinceit'sthisoceaninwhichwemakeourway,inourdifferentlives(domestic,professional,andsoon),'swim'istheaptwordin place of 'make our way'. Apt also because, just as swimming in water calls for the use of various capabilities as well asdetermination and persistence, so does swimming through life. It's in this context, that the statement 'just keep swimming'acquiressignificance.
Whencircumstancesarefavourable,andthingsaregoingourway,itwouldbeeasytojustfloatalong.Butitwouldbesensibletojustkeepswimming,notonlytoprogresstowardsourobjectives,butalsotogarnervaluethatwouldstandus ingoodstead inleantimes.Whencircumstancesareotherwise,itwouldbepersistenceanddeterminationthathelpusovercomedifficultiesweshouldjustkeepswimming.
This doesn't mean, of course, that we swim without any thought. Just as certain strokes, in swimming, are suited to certainwaters,themethodsweusetodealwithcircumstancesin lifeshouldbeappropriatetotheconditionswearein.And,justas inswimmingweneedtocheckthatwearenotveeringoffcourse,our 'swimming' in lifeshouldalsobeaccompaniedwithcoursecorrectionwhenevernecessary.
Inshort,anexpandedprinciplethatservesuswellwouldbejustkeepswimming,butstayoncourseandwatchoutforchoppywaters!
CommentsonEssay1:
Awellwrittenessaywithimpressivelanguage.
Theessayisdividedintosixneatparagraphswhichmakeeasyreading.
Theintroductionstandsoutasitisarrestingandcomestothepointwithoutbeatingaroundthebush.Theconclusionhasamoralorlessonforthereader.
The essaymakes use of correct diction and vivid imagery and compares the activity of swimming to sailing through differentphasesoflife.
Therearenogrammaticalmistakesintheessayandevenrulesofpunctuationarereligiouslyadheredto.
However, the piece could bemade better by presentingmore aspects of 'swimming' and not just 'swimming through life'. Theessaycouldbebalancedbyprovidingnotonlyexamplesofsituationsorscenarioswherethisprinciplecouldbeappliedbutalsoexamples of exceptions to this utopian thought. Hence, as given in the evaluation table below, the score for the parameter'perspective'islow(6on10)andcouldbeimproved.
Inthepresenceofdifferentthreadsofthoughtswhichcouldbetiedtogether,thispiecewouldsoundlessphilosophicalordidacticandwouldnotbeasrepetitiveasitappears.Moreopinionsalongwithexampleswouldhavemadethepiecemorepracticalinitsoutlook.
So,theevaluation(outof100points)isasfollows:
PARAMETERS DETAILS POINTSON10 WEIGHTAGE TOTAL1)Content Adequacyofinformation 7 X2 14
2)Ideasandtheirdevelopment Elaborationthroughreasoning,explanation,examples 7 X3 213)Perspective Prosandcons,differentaspects,parallelreasoning,suggestions 6 X1 64)Structure LogicalideaflowinIntroBodyConclusionform 8 X2 16
5)Controloverlanguage Grammarandspellings 9 X2 1875
Essay2JustKeepSwimming.
"Lifeissohard.Ishouldcallitquits!""Heyman!Justkeepswimming!Whenthegoinggetstough,thetoughgetsgoing."
Lifeinitselfisacontinuum.Fromthepast,tillthepresentandwellintothefuture,lifeisanintegratedandcontinuousflow.Howdowedealwithsuchaflow?Toswimwithitwouldbethemostintelligentandefficientthingtodo.
Lifeisanoceanwithbothhappinessandsorrow.Thejourneytowardssuccessisnotasmoothroad.Therewouldbemanyrisesand falls, just like the tides of an ocean. But success comes to thosewho keep swimming in thismarch of existence. As it is
rightly said "There are nogreat people in thisworld only ordinary persons rise, and achieve extraordinary goals andbecomegreat."
Several examples can be quoted of people who didn't give up easily and ultimately reached the zenith of success. MahatmaGandhisucceededingettingindependenceforIndiabypersistingwithhisstrategyofnonviolence.BillGates,acollegedropout,becametheowneroftheworld'slargestsoftwarefirmMicrosoftbyhisirresistibleattitudetowardssuccess.DhirubhaiAmbani,anordinaryperson,endedupsettingamammothindustryintheworldofbusiness.NikiLouda,theF1worldchampion,whosufferedsevere faceburnswhenhis ferrari crashed,persistedandwonagainst rival JamesHuntafter sevenyears.NickVujicichas nohandsandlegsbutisaninspirationalorator.
Swimmingisoneofthekeyexercisesforahealthylifestyle.Inswimming,morecaloriesareburnedthaninanyothersport.Itgivesmorecontroloverthewholebodyandourrespirationprocess.Itinvolvesallthevoluntarymusclesofourbodyandhelpstobring down stress levels. So in real life too, swimming forward has its benefits as compared to remaining stagnant and notmaking any headway in the chequered pathways and undercurrents of life. 'Just keep swimming' should involve progressingforward by judiciously exercising control and adapting to both new lakes (where the water is still) and new whirlpools (withopposingcurrents).
Whatever we may encounter in our flow of life, the best way to deal with it is to swim forward, taking life as a valuableexperience, enriching and strengthening us. When we swim forward with an open mind and attitude, we naturally invite richexperiences intoour flow.Richerexperiences,whatever theyare,helpusevolve fromonestateofbeing toabetter state.Asevolutionseems tobe theultimatemotiveofall lifearoundus,one'smainobjectiveshouldbe toconstantlykeepevolving.Toachieve this state of constant evolution, one has to flow through life, enrich oneself with richer experience and just keepswimmingtokeeptheballrolling.
CommentsonEssay2:
Thisessay is reasonablywell organised. It explainshow theanalogy canbemadewith life situations, talksof thebenefit thatpersistencebrings,indicatestheneedforjudiciousnessinmethod(therebybringinginsomewidthofperspective),andprovidesacoupleofrelevantexamples.
So,theevaluation(outof100points)isasfollows:
PARAMETERS DETAILS POINTSON10 WEIGHTAGE TOTAL1)Content Adequacyofinformation 8 X2 16
2)Ideasandtheirdevelopment Elaborationthroughreasoning,explanation,examples 9 X3 273)Perspective Prosandcons,differentaspects,parallelreasoning,suggestions 7 X1 74)Structure LogicalideaflowinIntroBodyConclusionform 7 X2 14
5)Controloverlanguage Grammarandspellings 9 X2 1882
Essay3JustKeepSwimming.
InthefamousHollywoodproductionFindingNemo,theamnesiacfishDoryuttersthismemorableline,"JustKeepSwimming",totheheroofthemovie,wholoseshopewhilesearchingforhis lostsoninthevastexpanseoftheocean.WhileDorydoescomeacrossasslightlyconfused,itishertenacitythatisherredeemingquality.
Apersonsnotgivingup,histenacity,hisperseverancecanbeoneofhisgreatestassets.OneneedlooknofurtherthanAbrahamLincoln,widely regardedasAmericasgreatestpresidentever, tounderstand thevirtueofperseverance.Lincoln facedmultiplefailuresinvariousprofessionalandpersonalventuresbutdidnotletthemboghimdown.Edison,whoreportedlyfailedmultipletimes,didnotgiveupandfinallymadeaworkingprototypeofanelectricbulbwhenconventionalwisdomwouldhavegiveitup.The Beatles, arguably the biggest music band of the world ever, were told by a recording manager to give up their career.Imagineiftheyhadlistenedtohim!Oneneednottakeotherpeoplesnaysayingordiscouragementtooseriously.
However, one can also argue that being a manager is about managing with the limited resources. One needs to give upsometimesinpursuitofalargergoal.Anarmymayretreattemporarily,inastrategicmove,tolosethebattlebutwinthewar.AsShakespearenotes,"Discretion isthebetterpartofvalour!"Oneneedstochoosethebattlesoneneedstowin.Puttinggoodmoneyafter badmoney (e.g. in an illconceivedproduct or service)maynot be advisable.Business sensedictates one to cutoneslossesandmoveoutwhilethereisstilltime.Thatiswhystockmarkettradershavestoplossprices!Andthatiswhy,whileSachinRameshTendulkarwantedtobeafastbowler,hegaveupthatideawhenadvisedtoconcentrateonhisbattingduetohisheight.Onesaptitudeandnaturaltalentsmustalsofindanoutlet.
Apersonwhokeepsswimminginthefaceofadversitydeservesplaudits,butonemustalsoappreciateonelimitations.
CommentsonEssay3:
Theessaybeginswithabackgroundof theoriginor the relevant referenceof the title 'JustKeepSwimming'. Ithasanoverallgoodstructureintermsofthoughtflow.
Thesmallgrammaticalerrrors intheessaywouldgetoverlookedsincetheydonot interferewiththe ideabeingdelivered.Thepunon'Imagine'wasgood!
The first2parasof theessay relate to thenecessityorbenefitofperseverence.However, therearemoreexamples inpara2thanareneeded.Morediscussiononperseveranceanditsbenefitsbackedbyjustacoupleofexampleswouldimprovetheessay.
The3rdpara,whichtemperstheview,isbetter.There'smorediscussionhereandfewerexamples.
Thewordingoftheconclusioncouldbebettertofocusmoreontheattributesthanonthepersonsdisplayingtheattributes.
So,theevaluation(outof100points)isasfollows:
PARAMETERS DETAILS POINTSON10 WEIGHTAGE TOTAL
1)Content Adequacyofinformation 7 X2 142)Ideasandtheirdevelopment Elaborationthroughreasoning,explanation,examples 6 X3 183)Perspective Prosandcons,differentaspects,parallelreasoning,suggestions 7 X1 7
4)Structure LogicalideaflowinIntroBodyConclusionform 7 X2 145)Controloverlanguage Grammarandspellings 8 X2 16
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Essay4JustKeepSwimming.
One will face adversities when immersed in life's swirling vortex. Many people have turned the tables on life through sheerdeterminationand foresight.PierceBrosnan(whohad losthiswifeearlier)acted inNovemberManwhenhisdaughterhad justdied. Virat Kohli had lost his father and Yuvraj Singh battled cancer. Sylvester Stallone was on the streets but he wrote thescreenplay for RockyBalboa and refused to sell the script unless hewas allowed to act in themovie. The hero ofMatrix hadvarioustrialstofaceinreallifebuthiscommenttoajournalistonatrainwas"Lifehastogoon."SteveJobswaskickedoutofhisowncompanybuthestartedPixar.NarayanMurthyandKiranMazumdarShawstartedtheircompaniesfromscratch.BeforeAngryBirds,thesixcreatorshadmade49games,whichhadfloppedbuttheypersisted.
"Justdoit"or"Justkeepswimming"wouldnotapplyifonekeptondoingataskaimlessly.Whilepractisingforamarathon,oneneedstobeselfaware, listentoone'sbodyandtakeadequaterests,engageinotheractivities likecycling.Otherwiseonemayfaceinjuries.Sometimesinlifethreateningsituations,oneneedstodropeverythingandrun.
Oneneedstolearnfromlife'slessonsandacquirenewskills.Acompanyneedstocheckwhatitscompetitorsaredoing.Nokia'sconsensusseeking leaders letthefirmcrumble.HeroHondawasahit tillBajaj'sPulsarpickedupdueto itsbettermileage.Sooneneedstojudiciously,controlandmonitorlife'ssituations.Coursecorrectionsneedtoemployed.AkshayKumar,MilindSomanandChetanBhagathavechangedprofessional fields. InitiallyNarayanMurthy foundedSoftronics,acompanythat lastedayearandahalfbutmovedonwhen itdidnot takeoff.Oneshould learn fromfailuresandclimbonvarioussteppingstonesthat lifeoffers.
"Just keep swimming" may not be apt in immoral activities. Life throws lessons back at you. Jordan Belfort ("Wolf of WallStreet")isanAmericanoratorbutaformerstockbrockercaughtinstockmarketmanipulation.
"JustKeepSwimming"maynotserveanypurpose.In"TokillaMockingBird",theWhiteLawyerAtticusFinchfoughtthecaseofablackmanchargedwithrapingawhitewomandespiteknowingthatduringCivilWar,ablackguycouldnotwinagainstawhitewoman.RaghuRam,thehostofRoadiestoldsomeonewhowastryingtogetintotheshowfor10yearsbutalwaysgotrejectedintheInterviewround,"Stoptryingifitisnotforyou."
Justfocussingonfightingtilltheendwillnotdo.Isonegoingtofinishstrong?So,learn,getupanddon'tgiveupanddon'tjustkeepswimming.
CommentsonEssay4:
This essay provides many instances of flawed writing. There are some intelligent ideas floating randomly without a properstructure.Thegrammarneedsimprovement.
Thefirstparagraphdoesnotintroducethetopicatall.Itseemsthatpointshavebeenmentionedwithnorelationtothetitle.
Theessayisfilledwithexamplesthatthewriterhopeswillputhismessageacross.Infact,thatdoesn'thappenwithanyclarity.Thingsgetmixeduptowardstheend,withthelastlineoftheessayseemingtopresentaselfcontradiction.
More attention should have been paid to explanation, thoughtflow, and sentence structure. The examples should have beenreducedinnumber.Theideasshouldhavebeenmentionedclearlywithoneortwoexamplesforeachidea.
Therearesomeimportantlessonsdiscussedintheessaybutthesegetrelegatedtothebackgroundbecauseoftheuseofmanyexamples. From the second paragraph onwards, thewriter attempts to discuss exceptions to the view "Just Keep Swimming."Mentionhasbeenmadeofhowswimmingneedstobeaccompaniedbyclosecontrolormonitoringofsituationsandhowitmaynotwork in purposeless pursuit of aimless objectives. An important linementioned in the third paragraph is "So one needs tojudiciouslycontrolandmonitorlife'ssituations."Alsointhelastparagraph,thewriterhasmentionedthat"JustKeepSwimming"doesnotserveanypurpose.Thewritershouldhavesubstantiatedthesepoints insteadofassumingthatstatingexampleswouldbeenough.So clarity of thought andproper structuringof the essaywouldhavehelpedmake this essay richer in content andmoreimpressiveinitsapproach.
So,theevaluation(outof100points)isasfollows:
PARAMETERS DETAILS POINTSON10 WEIGHTAGE TOTAL1)Content Adequacyofinformation 4 X2 82)Ideasandtheirdevelopment Elaborationthroughreasoning,explanation,examples 4 X3 123)Perspective Prosandcons,differentaspects,parallelreasoning,suggestions 6 X1 64)Structure LogicalideaflowinIntroBodyConclusionform 5 X2 105)Controloverlanguage Grammarandspellings 5 X2 10
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