WHICH OF YOUR FRIENDS IS AN EMOTIONAL VAMPIRE?

End Title Start Post Meta

Jade Small | November 5, 2014 | Life | No Comments

End Post Meta

Start Content

Under post title - The Open Mind

!ToM TOOP

!

Selfish, controlling, paranoid and theyll drain the life out of you

Youd probably describe the majority of your friends as kind and supportive people whomakeyou feel happy. But if youre anything like the rest of us, youll also have a few you might call friends, but actually make you feel quite the opposite.

Youcant necessarily spell outwhy, but somehow you always come away from their company feeling anxious, paranoid or as if youve given a lot of yourself and theyve

given nothing in return. You feel as if youve been bled dry. Why? Because your friend is an emotionalvampire.

Thats the name that Albert J. Bernstein, the clinicalpsychologist, gives to people who appear bright, talented or charismatic on the surface, but who, once theyve won you over, drain your emotionalenergy.

In an exclusive adaptation from his new book, we show youhow tospot four types of emotional vampire, and how to defend yourself against them.

!!CONTROL FREAK VAMPIRES

HOW TO RECOGNIZE THEM: This type of vampire is always immaculately dressed and ridiculously organized. Theres no such thing as a simple decision with them; the positives and negatives of every option have to be weighed up and analyzed, but once the decision is made, its made, and theres no changing theirmind.

HOW THEY LURE YOU IN:Controlfreaks can be loyal friends. If theyve promised you something, you can be sure theyll deliver. Their attention to detail can be irritating, but its frequently something that will save youtimeandmoney.

THREES NO CROWD While most adults have up to 22 mates, most feel they can only rely on three of them, researchers found HOW THEY DRAIN YOU: Theyre perfectionists with a clear moral code and expect other people to behave in the same way if you dont, their disappointment is apparent. Though theyd never intentionally hurt anyone, anything that threatens their sense of being in charge will prompt what can be a hurtful reaction.

You might think youve been thoughtful by picking arestaurantfor dinner, but the control freak will make you feel as if youve picked the wrong one and taken over, purely because she didnt have the chance to research all the options first.

HOW TOPROTECTYOURSELF: For all their flaws, the world would fall apart without control freaks theyre the ones who get things done, so in a lot of ways its easier to let them get on with it. Accept that you will never do things as well as they would have, but always tell them when theyve upset you. Because theyseethings in black and white, if you can tell them why youre hurt, and explain how toavoidthe same situation in the future, they can learn from this.

!!PARANOID VAMPIRES

HOW TO RECOGNIZE THEM: Quick to take offense, and with the ability to hold a grudge for an inordinate amount of time, the paranoid vampire can make a mountain

out of even the smallest molehill. Things never just happen to them, in theireyestheyve always been picked on. With the paranoid, everything is personal and nothing is taken at face value. Tell them you like their dress and theyll read that as you dont like their shoes.

HOW THEY LURE YOU IN: While they can be suspicious of almost everything, paranoids are fiercely protective of their family and of one or two close friends. Their penchant for saying to peoples faces what the rest of us would only say behind their backs can be uncomfortable, but its actually quite refreshing sometimes.

HOW THEY DRAIN YOU: Paranoids abide by concreterulesthey believe everyone else should live by, too. Their eyes are peeled for any evidence of transgressions, and theyll usuallyfindit.

Theyre incapable of forgiving and forgetting if you once told them in passing that your husband cheated on his first girlfriend, theyll always believe hes a serial adulterer and will look for anything that confirms this. Theyre also jaw-droppingly honest, so never ask for their opinion unless youre prepared for the brutal truth.

HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF: If you have anything to hide at all, a paranoid will find it. The only way you can protect yourself is by being scrupulously honest with them even the tiniest of white lies will prove their theory that youve been deceiving them all along.

!But crucially, dont get bound up in their paranoia, otherwise, after an evening spent solely in their company, its all too easy to become convinced that your husband really is cheating when hes doing nothing of the sort.

!!PARTY VAMPIRES

ToM Mid

!HOW TO RECOGNIZE THEM: They are always the ones who want todrinkmore, stay up later and go that step further than everyone else. Theyre impulsive, happy-go-lucky types who have no qualms about lying to get what they want.

HOW THEY LURE YOU IN: Theyre charming, good company and fun. They are who youd like to be if you didnt have responsibilities or a conscience.

They say the things you think, but would never dare say, and have anauraof cool that makes you feel special if youre picked to spend time with them.

HOW THEY DRAIN YOU: Theyre only there for the good times. You might think youve got plans together, but if a more exciting prospect comes along, youll be ditched.

While a party vampire will get the evening started, dont expect her to help clear up or foot the bill.

They can be financially irresponsible, goad you into doing things you didnt really want to do, and theirchild-like approach to life means they dont want to hear about yourproblems if youre not in the mood for socializing, youre of no interest.

HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF: Enjoy the good times, but dont expect anything more. Dont get drawn into doing anything you feel uncomfortable doing, and for goodness sake, hide your wallet.

!!ME, ME, ME VAMPIRES

HOW TO RECOGNIZE THEM: While theyre undoubtedly very successful people, the me, me, me vampire not only knows this, but is atgreatpains to make sure you know this, too.

Within minutes of meeting them, youll be all too aware of their achievements and probably of where they live and knowing the right people is very important to them.

HOW THEY LURE YOU IN: They try hard to impress, so you can easily think youre important to them.

They can be incredibly charismatic. Some of the most successful people in the world are me, me, mevampires.

They genuinely are talented individuals and its easy to admire them from afar. Its not until were close up that we realize how inconsiderate they really are.

HOW THEY DRAIN YOU: If theyre not talking about themselves, theyre probably not going to be interested in the conversation.

The only way youre of interest to them is if you canmassagetheirego, make them look good or help them achieve their next goal.

They might feign empathy when they want something, which is why they make great politicians. But they lack genuine warmth.

HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF: If you want anything from them, strike a bargain where they get something, but only when theyve done what you want. Theirself-interest is the only thing that motivates them.

Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry by Albert J. Bernstein.

!ByClaire Coleman

Thanks to Body, Mind, Soul & Spirit for this article

!