Emotional & Relational Intelligence (ERQTM) in Effective Leadership:INTRApersonal Preparation

Gary J. Oliver, Ph.D.

The Center for Relationship EnrichmentJohn Brown University

©2009 Gary J. Oliver, Ph.D.

Preparing for a Crisis

Corporate / Institutional Preparation

Crisis plan, manuals, procedures, checklists, contact lists, etc.

Personal / Individual Preparation

There is a lot you CAN’T specifically prepare for and there is a lot that you CAN prepare for!

The Long-Term Impact of a Crisis

Crisis Happens A crisis always has a ripple effect:

Dealing with the initial impact of the crisis

Dealing with the physical and financial impact

Dealing with the psychological, emotional and spiritual

impact

Dealing with crisis well ALWAYS involves dealing with our emotions

and the emotions of others.

When we allow our emotions to be in control we’re more likely to “feel” there is more of a crisis than there really is.

Fear and uncertainty often cause the flight / fight responses to kick in

Under pressure most people tend to react rather than respond

People with a higher ERQ are more likely to be able to “respond” rather than “react” or “over-react” in ways that only exacerbate the problem

The Surprising Road to Success in Leadership:

The IQ Myth

Moving Beyond IQ to ERQ

Competencies That Are Predictors of Success:

PERSONAL Competence:

______personal Intelligence (EQ)INTRA

RELATIONAL Competence:

______personal Intelligence (RQ)INTER

What Is Emotional & Relational Intelligence (ERQ™)?

“The ability to be aware of, recognize and understand our own feelings and those of others and to

constructively manage those emotions in ourselves and in our

relationships.”

Gary J. Oliver, Ph.D.

The Significance of EQ – What RESEARCH Tells Us

Rigidity, poor relationships and inability to lead teams are the most common traits of executives who derail.

Managers who derailed all had high levels of expertise and intelligence but many were arrogant and had a disdain for teamwork.

The Significance of EQ – What RESEARCH Tells Us

Hay McBer’s study of hundreds of executives at 15 global organizations, including Pepsi, IBM and Volvo found that 2/3’s of the competencies deemed essential to success were emotional competencies.

“A leader’s intelligence has to have a strong emotional component. He has to have high levels of self-awareness, maturity and self-control. She must be able to withstand the heat, handle setbacks and when those lucky moments arise, enjoy success with equal parts of joy and humility. No doubt emotional intelligence is more rare than book smarts, but my experience says it is actually more important in the making of a leader. You just can’t ignore it.”

Jack Welch, Former Chairman of General Electric Speaking to the Wall Street Journal

The Significance of EQ – What LEADERS Tell Us

The Role of Our Two Brains in Dealing With Crisis

The EMOTIONAL brain and the RATIONAL brain.

The Emotional Brain helps us make ______ decisions.

QUICK

What Is an Amygdala Hijack?

1. There is a _______.

2. There Is an _______ Reaction.

3. There Is _______ Emotion.

4. There Is a Subsequent Feeling

of _________.

Trigger

Instant

Strong

Remorse

The Rational Brain

The Rational Brain helps us make SOUND decisions.

The Rational Brain

The emotional brain processes information in 2 milliseconds.

The rational brain processes information in 500 milliseconds—250 times longer.

Your ERQ is impacted by the amount of communication between your _____________ brain and your ___________ brain.

EMOTIONALRATIONAL

BOTH are important!

The ERQ™ Model

Self-Awareness

Self-Awareness

RelationalAwarenessRelationalAwareness

Self-Management

Self-Management

Relationship ManagementRelationship Management

• Emotional Self-Awareness

• Accurate Self-Assessment

• Self-Confidence

• Empathy• Listening• Values Differences

• Emotional Self-Control

• Takes Personal Responsibility

• Healthy Anger Management

• Responds rather than Reacts

• Effective Communication• Healthy Conflict

Management• Influence• Collaboration &

Cooperation

Self (INTRApersonal) Other (INTERpersonal)

Recognition

(Awareness)

Regulation

(Management)

Quadrant I: Effective Leaders Have Self-Awareness

Emotional Self-Awareness: knowing what our emotions are and recognizing how our emotions affect our performance

WHAT Are Emotions?

Emotions are a mental state that can arise spontaneously and not just through conscious effort.

Emotions involve a…• cognitive impact• behavioral impact• physiological (respiratory, hormonal

and cardiovascular) impact

WHAT Are Emotions?

There are over 600 words to describe emotions.

There are 42 muscles in our face that we use to express them.

Emotions are a great source of INFORMATION.

Why Are Emotions So Important?

Research tells us that as go our emotional self-awareness, emotional self-control and empathy skills so goes the QUALITY of our leadership, our relationships and the quality of our life!

One of the 10 Critical Commandments for Effective Crisis Management Is:

Thou shalt show EMOTION and EMPATHY!

Accurate Self-Assessment: knowing one’s own inner resources, abilities,

and limits.

Self-Confidence: a strong sense of one’s self-worth and capabilities.

Quadrant I: Effective Leaders Have Self-Awareness

The ERQ Model

Self-Awareness

Self-Awareness

RelationalAwarenessRelationalAwareness

Self-Management

Self-Management

Relationship ManagementRelationship Management

• Emotional Self-Awareness

• Accurate Self-Assessment

• Self-Confidence

• Empathy• Listening• Values Differences

• Emotional Self-Control

• Takes Personal Responsibility

• Healthy Anger Management

• Responds rather than Reacts

• Effective Communication• Healthy Conflict

Management• Influence• Collaboration &

Cooperation

Self (INTRApersonal) Other (INTERpersonal)

Recognition

(Awareness)

Regulation

(Management)

Quadrant II. Effective Leaders Manage Themselves

“People with a strong ability to manage emotions can be passionate, but they also have good emotional self-control, tend to be even-tempered, think clearly when they are experiencing strong feelings, make decisions

based on their hearts and their heads, and generally reflect on their emotions often.”

(Caruso & Salovey, The Emotionally Intelligent Manager)

Emotional Self-Control: keeping disruptive emotions and impulses in check.

What is the cost or impact on a team of a fellow team-member with

LOW emotional self-control?

An ERQ™ Approach to Making Your Anger Work FOR You

What Are Some Non-Verbal Indicators of Anger?

Major Causes of Anger

Hurt Fear/AnxietyFrustration

What Does Unhealthy/ Destructive Anger Look Like?

The Cream Puff

The Steel Magnolia

The Locomotive

What Does HEALTHY and CONSTRUCTIVE Anger Look Like?

•Responds•Honoring•Trusting•Caring•Anger communicated

•Responsible

•Proactive•Listens•Motivated by respect

•Unselfish•Firm•I win/You win

How Can I Make My Anger Work FOR Me?

Have an Emotionally Intelligent Plan to Deal With the Anger

Self AwarenessBe AWARE of it.

• What kinds of situations are likely to trigger your anger?

• How does a co-worker know when YOU are getting angry?

• When are YOU most likely to experience anger?

Admit it and ACCEPT responsibility for it.

Remind Yourself of the Positive Things that Healthy Anger Can Provide.

• It serves as an alarm.

• It is a powerful source of energy.

• It is a source of motivation.

• It can actually increase trust and intimacy in a relationship.

Determine at the outset who/what is going to have CONTROL.

DEFINE it . . . identify the cause or source of it.

Choose your RESPONSE. How are you going to choose to

INVEST the energy?

Self Management

Emotional & Relational Intelligence (ERQTM) in Effective Leadership:INTERpersonal Preparation

Gary J. Oliver, Ph.D.

The Center for Relationship EnrichmentJohn Brown University

The ERQ™ Model

Self-Awareness

Self-Awareness

RelationalAwarenessRelationalAwareness

Self-Management

Self-Management

Relationship ManagementRelationship Management

• Emotional Self-Awareness

• Accurate Self-Assessment

• Self-Confidence

• Empathy• Listening• Values Differences

• Emotional Self-Control

• Takes Personal Responsibility

• Healthy Anger Management

• Responds rather than Reacts

• Effective Communication• Healthy Conflict

Management• Influence• Collaboration &

Cooperation

Self (INTRApersonal) Other (INTERpersonal)

Recognition

(Awareness)

Regulation

(Management)

Quadrant III. Effective Leaders Empathize, Listen and Value Differences

Empathy: sensing others’ feelings and perspectives, and taking an active interest in their concerns

People don’t care how much you _____

until they know how much you ____!

know

care

What Empathy Isn’t

   Empathy begins with the awareness of another person’s feelings and then taking the time to try to understand what it’s like for them to feel what they are feeling.   Empathy is choosing to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, hear through their ears, see through their eyes and feel with their heart. 

What Empathy Is

What Empathy Is

Empathy is choosing to UNDERSTAND.

Understanding involves activating both the RATIONAL and the EMOTIONAL parts of the brain.

Psalm 78:72 Jeremiah 3:15

Level 1 Understanding:

The ________ _______ I thought I heard you say

Level 2 Understanding:

What you didn’t say with your lips, what you might not have been able to put into words, but what you said with your eyes and face and heart.

I will ________ be able to resolve or deal with what I don’t choose to understand.

ACTUAL WORDS

NEVER

What Empathy Is

What Empathy Looks Like In Times of Crisis

Show upBegin where they are atListen Remember, silence can be a good thingHelp them clarify feelingsListen some moreDon't rush themClarify feelingsIn crisis people need:

Safe PlacesSafe PeopleSafe Situations

1. Ignorance of __________

2. ____________

3. ____________ of others

4. _______ attitude

5. Lack of _____________ skills

6. Poor ______________ skills

Barriers to Empathy

differences

Critical

Stereotyping

Expectations

Communication

Quadrant I & II

Empathy and Listening

The secret of empathy is not talking but LISTENING.

Research tells us that 70% of communication is miscommunication!

Empathy and Listening

The secret of empathy is not talking but LISTENING.

Research tells us that 70% of communication is miscommunication!

Good communication takes place when we choose to make our primary goal UNDERSTANDING the other person rather than being UNDERSTOOD

Unhealthy Listening Patterns

1. The FAKER

2. The INTERRUPTER

3. The INTELLECTUAL or Logical Listener

4. The Happy HOOKER

5. The REBUTTAL Maker

6. The “DEAR ABBY” Wannabe

1. Make your primary goal UNDERSTANDING

rather than being UNDERSTOOD. Never assume you know exactly what someone

means by what you thought they said.

2. Be PRESENT.

3. Resist DISTRACTIONS.

Improving Your Listening Skills

4. Ask QUESTIONS and REPHRASE.

5. VALIDATE the speaker.

6. Manage your EMOTIONS.

7. Remember that listening is one of the most invaluable crisis management skills!

Improving Your Listening Skills

The ERQ™ Model

Self-Awareness

Self-Awareness

RelationalAwarenessRelationalAwareness

Self-Management

Self-Management

Relationship ManagementRelationship Management

• Emotional Self-Awareness

• Accurate Self-Assessment

• Self-Confidence

• Empathy• Listening• Values Differences

• Emotional Self-Control

• Takes Personal Responsibility

• Healthy Anger Management

• Responds rather than Reacts

• Effective Communication• Healthy Conflict

Management• Influence• Collaboration &

Cooperation

Self (INTRApersonal) Other (INTERpersonal)

Recognition

(Awareness)

Regulation

(Management)

Quadrant IV. Effective Leaders Can Effectively Work With a Variety of Different People

“The purpose of an organization is to enable common people to do uncommon things. It is the test of an organization to make ordinary human beings perform better than they seem capable of, to bring out whatever strengths are in its members, and to use each person’s strength to help all the other members perform.

It is the task of organization at the same time to neutralize the individual weaknesses of its members. The spirit of performance requires that there be full scope for individual excellence. The focus must be on the strengths of a person . . . on what they can do rather than on what they can’t do.”

(Peter Drucker, in Management, Tasks, Responsibilities and Practices)

So…Now What?

What is one thing you learned in these two talks that you didn’t know about yourself?

What is one thing you learned that you didn’t know about ERQ™ leadership?

So…Now What?

What is at least one thing that for the next 30 days you’ll work on doing in your “professional life” as a result of what you’ve heard?

What is at least one thing that for the next 30 days you’ll work on doing in your “personal life” as a result of what you’ve heard?

The Long-Term Impact of a Crisis

Crisis Happens

A crisis always has a ripple effect:

Dealing with the initial impact of the crisis

Dealing with the physical & financial impact

Dealing with the psychological, emotional &

spiritual impact

Student Relationships Assessment (SRA)

www.liferelationships.com