Volume 6 Issue 1April, 2012

The Disgrace of the DuPage County Bar Association

ELSNER THE CONQUEROR

PLAINTIFF RECORDS:

DEFENSE RECORDS:

THE JUDGE RECORDS:

SHARKTALK READS:

SHARKTALK READS:

SHARKTALK READS:

“Look, you idiot, we’ve got you on the law and on the facts. Get off your high horse and quit wasting my time with these stupid discovery motions. We all know you’re just churning the fi le, burning time to make a buck until the carrier’s had enough. Enough already!”

“I have reviewed your discov-ery motion and, pursuant to

Supreme Court Ruie 201(k), am writing to request that we meet and confer to discuss the issues

raised by that motion and an appropriate resolution. Perhaps

we could also use this time to discuss a possible settlement,”

“This is how you work, you low-life bottom feeder? You fi le this work of fi ction and call it a complaint? Then you think you can just fi sh for facts, make my client’s life a living hell and hope we’ll pay you off just to make you go away? Judging from your suits, that hasn’t worked well in the past for you, has it?”

“Thank you for your correspon-dence regarding our motion to quash your discovery requests. I have reviewed the pleadings

in this case and your discovery and remain hopeful that we can reach some kind of compromise

on the requests. If not, we can of course discuss the case more

after the hearing next week. “

“I would just as soon poke a stick in my eye as listen to you two blather on any more. Nei-ther one of you has the fi rst clue how to practice law. If I could, I’d shove you both in the same cell for a few weeks until you’ve worked this out. No, strike that, let’s just throw away the key.”

“I have reviewed the motion fi led by defense counsel, plaintiff ’s

response and defendant’s reply and the authorities cited therein

and I have carefully considered the able arguments of both attor-

neys during the hearing on this matter. The motion is granted in

part and denied in part.”

SAY WHAT YOU THINK AND THE “SHARKTALK LEGALLY SPEAKING”

SOFTWARE INSTANTLY CONVERTS ITINTO LANGUAGE YOU CAN USE IN COURT!This is the software you’ve been waiting for! Go ahead, speak your mind, say what you really mean. SharkTalk will take it from there!

From the Editor 3by Melissa Piwowar

President’s Message 6Not Really by Colleen McLaughlin*

Letters to the Editor 8

Occupy ARC Gets Noticed 10

DCBA Invades Cuba 11

Actual New Lawyer Sighted atNew Lawyer Event 13

DCBA Considers New Bylaws IncludingNew Form for Judicial Applications 14

Judge Elsner Debuts DCTV 18

Ramblings and Rumblings 21A lot of which is by Brent Christensen

Profi le: “Zombie” John Lapinski 30

Legal Aid Update 34Not Really by Brenda Carroll*

ISBA Update 33Some by Jim McCluskey*

IRS Update 32Sorta by Terry Benshoof*

DCBA Update 32Way Not by Leslie Monahan*

Judicial Centerfold 36

Table of contents

Alexandra DonnerAV Club President

Cover image created by Cherif Fortin ©2012.

Our thanks as always, Cherif (check out his portfolio at cheriff ortin.com)

Volume 6, Issue 1 April, 2012

Legal Mumbo-JumboThat’s In Here So We Look

Sophisticated and Brainy 23

Stuff They Make Us Print 29

ShamelessSelf-PromotionDressed Up To

Look Like News 9

Eric R. WaltmireTh e Dean

Terrence BenshoofTh e Principal

Melissa PiwowarHelicopter Parent

John J. Pcolinski, Jr.Th e Bad Seed

Sean McCumberTh e Rebel

Mark J. CarrollHangs With Th e Wrong Crowd

Ted A. DonnerWheel Man

Erica L. BertiniJonathan P. Crannell

Michael J. DavisJoseph F. Emmerth IV

Glenn Gaff neyWilliam D. Goren

Jon D. HoagRaleigh D. Kalbfl eischShawn S. Kasserman

Deborah KleinJeff rey J. Kroll

James F. McCluskeyTimothy B. Newitt

Arthur W. RummlerJames L. Ryan

David N. Schaff erDaniel Walker, Jr.

Th e Wrong Crowd

Jacki HamlerSchool Nurse

Mary Anne McManusDetention Offi cer

1A P R I L 2 0 1 2

olume 6, I

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From the Editor

Six years later and the DCBA Grief is still going strong. Quite frankly, I don’t think it

occurred to the Editorial Board that the DCBA would still be letting us print this thing. (Editorial Board = the fancy new, official, scholarly sounding name we have just given what was previously known as the Publication Board aka the “Pub Board”) But like your weird uncle, if you keep inviting us back, don’t be surprised when we show up, again.

We usually feel the need to ex-plain right away, especially for any new members, the DCBA Grief (this side of the magazine) is a parody, top to bottom of the DCBA Brief. It’s the April Fools issue where we get to publish anything we can get past our Editor-in-Chief and keep plausible deniability by cred-iting mostly fictitious authors. The DCBA Grief is a collaboration of work put together in the free, or not so free time, of the Editorial Board, DCBA members and even a few of our friends who get dragged in for a favor or two. (This is the part where we get all grateful and start name dropping, hold on to your lunch.)

The Editorial Board provides a never ending stream of material year round by being one of the hardest working and funniest committees in the Bar (see our member roster next to the Table of Contents on page one). When it came time to put pen to paper, many of the News, Features, Articles, Ads and what-

ever else you see on this side of the magazine were written by Editorial Board members Terry Benshoof, Sean McCumber, Jim McClus-key, John Pcolinski or yours truly. DCBA member and Grief newbie Brent Christensen also jumped in to lend a hand this year. DCBA/Editorial Board Liaison and Queen-Of-All-Bar-Things Jacki Hamler and Executive Director Leslie Mo-nahan make everything we do for the Grief easier. Ted Donner created the DCBA Grief six years ago and he is a true partner in crime. Ted not only writes for the Grief every year, he also lends his talents for the lay-out and graphic design on this side of the magazine. I can honestly say “it’s [mostly] all his fault.”

The true “volunteers” are our friends and family that get arm twisted into lending their talents to make this magazine look better and sound funnier than it would if we were left to our own devices. Holly Koch and Ashley Rufino, once again, provided a sense of humor and some new material when it was needed. Alexandra Donner lent her graphic design talents to some of our advertising and Cherif Fortin created our cover image. (Caution: shameless plug ahead.) Cherif is a dear friend and fire fighter for the city of Elgin. When he is off duty he runs Cherif Fortin Imaging (cherif-fortin.com), a company that spe-cializes in photography, illustration and graphic design work including,

among other things, illustrations for romance novel covers. A man of many talents, this is not the first time Cherif ’s work has appeared in the DCBA Grief. For the past several years, he was the model and illustrator for Robin Algonquin-Fortin Court Reporters, a popular Grief advertiser who advertised the services of male court report-ers - yeah that one. He is a great sport and a very talented artist who patiently revised the artwork we asked for each time it was deemed a bit too risqué for the cover. And you thought pajamas in the courtroom was pushing it.

We hope you enjoy what we have put together; we sure had fun doing it. All the News, Articles and Features you have come to expect from the DCBA Grief are just a page away. One new addition this year, due to an overwhelming number of requests, is the inaugural DCBA Grief Judicial Centerfold.

Enjoy…. □

By Melissa Piwowar

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Melissa Piwowar is a Paralegal with Donner & Company Law Offices LLC in Wheaton, Illinois. She served as the Assistant Editor of the DCBA Brief from 2010-11, is a member of the DCBA Publication Board, and the Editor of the annual DCBA Grief. She re-ceived the DCBA Baord of Director’s Award in May, 2011. A regular contributor to this magazine, she is also a contributor to Jury Selection: Strategy & Science, by Ted Donner and Richard Gabriel. now in its fourth edi-tion for Thomson West Publishing.

It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time

3A P R I L 2 0 1 2

Advil? Pepcid? Zoloft? Whatever ails you, whatever’s making it hard to get

through that next court call, TRIASSIFIXTM has you covered.

TriAssifix is so not ever going to be FD A approved.

Her’es how it wotrks. You take things like Pepcid for stomach troubles, right? You use Advil for headaches, or something like it? Maybe you use Zoloft or another product for your nerves? C’mon, you’re a lawyer, you need all three, right? And now there’s the attorney’s little helper. A product with all three solutions in one little blue patch.

WHATEVERYLAWYERWANTSIN ONELITTLEBLUEPATCH

TRIASSIFIXTM (TRY-ASS-EH-FIX) (mysortush) CONSUMER BRIEF SUMMARY

CONSULT THE INTERNET OR YOUR MOM FOR A FULL EXPLANATION

PATIENT INFORMATION Read this page and listen to your doctor before you start taking TRIASSIFIX, if you forget, check WebMD or some other internet medical website.

What is the most important informa-tion I should know about TRIASSIFIX?

TRIASSIFIXTM is a medicine that af-fects your circulatory, immune and legal systems. As with any medication, TRIASSIFIXTM may cause side effects.

TRIASSIFIXTM can be habit forming. Ceasing this medication once you begin taking it is not recommended. Call your bar association for help or the number of a local detox program. Long term use has been known to cause delusions of grandeur and super human powers due to an in-crease in brain productivity.

Most Common Side Effects:

• Vision changes are common, patients report being unable to distinguish between hourly and contingency fee agreements.• Some patients reported an in-crease in adverse rulings (rare). • Also common is a moderate increase in the fear of being out of mobile phone contact (Nomo-phobia).• Loss of the sense of smell (Anos-mia). • Patients experiencing loss of muscle control and coordination (most common) should double the dosage until symptoms subside.• In rare cases mouth foaming, ex-cessive drooling, happy tail, salmo-nella, shedding, “hot spots,” parvo, mad cow,• Although not seen in clinical stud-ies, may cause increased brown pigmentation of the nose which is likely permanent. • All skin darkening is most likely,

probably, in all likelihood reversible. Further studies are needed.

Recent Study Results:

• Some patients reported sudden, but mostly temporary amnesia. Most test subjects reported that memory returned upon ceasing use of the medication. Many believe the benefits of TRIASSIFIXTM outweigh the risk of this side effect.• A 2005, University of Minnesota study found that 60% of DuPage County TRIASSIFIXTM users expe-rienced purple, green or blue urine combined with visual and auditory hallucinations, including x-ray vi-sion.• Most studies revealed some pa-tients reporting an increased num-ber of bowel movements, an urgent need to have them, an inability to control them and an increase in motions to vacate, particularly after trials, hearings, depositions, CLE events and lunch at Café DuPage. Researchers theorize this side ef-fect may be a result of exposure to excessive blustering. Further study is required to confirm this finding. It is recommended patients wear dark clothing and bring a change of clothes to important court calls or off site depositions. • Some trial subjects reported performing activities in their sleep. These activities include sleepwalk-ing, eating, making phone calls, having sex and billing time.

Discontinue use and contact your physician immediately if you:

• Volunteer to chair Law Day.

• Start to think you have time for a vacation.• Have an oral argument that lasts for more than four hours.• File more than five motions for time.• Start to believe your last name is Posner.• Start to experience intense eu-phoric reactions to donuts, new office equipment or software.

What should I tell my Doctor before taking TRIASSIFIXTM?

• If you have recently received no-tice of a complaint or have a pend-ing ARDC disciplinary investigation.• If you are planning to run for Presi-dent of the bar association.• If you have applied for a Judicial position in DuPage County more than three times in the last five years. • If you agreed to edit the DCBA Grief again this year.• If you are a Democrat or a Leper in DuPage County.• If you are incapable of following instructions.

Tell your doctor if you work a normal work week, TRIASSIFIXTM may not be for you.

Also available in scored, easy to chew, liver snaps.

Storage: Medication should be stored in a locked drawer or cabinet out of reach of children, animals and associ-ates. It’s very expensive.

Caution: Do not apply patch below the waist. May cause skin irritation and excessive licking.

President’s Message

You Know What I’m Saying, Right?By Colleen M. McLaughlin*

Continued On Page 7

Our Editor-in-Chief, Eric Waltmire, is always asking me what I’m going to “write

about” for this column. What’s my topic? My answer is “I don’t have one.” And here’s why.

It’s not that I disagree that it would be a good idea to have some-thing to write about or a topic or what have you but this is a serious organi-zation and by organization I mean a non-profit organization, really, and there are lots and lots of good ideas coming out of the membership and Eric has some too and I’m not trying to discourage Eric from having ideas but, well, you know, it’s not that I’m even unhappy or that I even disagree with some of the ideas I’m sure he’s had when we’re talking (or when I’m talking anyway) but when it comes to thinking of ideas to write about and that kind of thing it reminds me, and I can’t help thinking back to when I was just starting out in the practice of law and, you know what I’m saying, my opposing counsel in a very important case I remember, I was handling it for a really prestigious client at the court-house, you know, the one on County Farm Road, not the one downtown or in one of these other counties around Chicago, but here on County Farm Road, this lawyer asked me how much time I wanted to file a response brief and I said, well, I had to think about it. And I did. You know what I’m saying?

There’s a few very important rea-sons why I don’t have something to “write about” and the most important of those reasons is that, before I was President, I read through many, many

past issues of this magazine and some of the President’s Messages were writ-ten by Steve Ruffalo (yes, Steve, I’m talking to you and that means you better come up with another chunk of change for the DCBF because, well, just because) and, well, I read all these President’s messages and I learned from that and I came to be-lieve in my heart of hearts that when it comes to writing about something in the DCBA Brief, well, it’s just simply not as simple as people want you to believe. It’s complicated. It involves this thing called a “topic” and, well, I’m not a big believer in “topics.”

I’m big on “agendas,” right, but not so much on “topics” or “themes.” Or, I don’t know, maybe it’s the other way around because, well, you know, I did finally come up with a theme for this year, remember? My Call to Par-ticipate! It was in my first President’s message. Okay, maybe not at the beginning when I was going on and on about how I didn’t have a “theme” but later on in the same article, if you read that far, you would have seen that I did finally say I have a “theme” (as opposed to an “agenda”) and I an-nounced that theme for the year as my “Call to Participate.”

Look if you didn’t read it in the DCBA Grief, you must have heard it when I was installed as President at the “Late Spring Food Eating and Beverage Imbibing Event at a Nice Place in Oakbrook Where People Are Sworn In and There Are Movies Too Event.” Remember now? It was right before Jack Nicholson came on screen and said “You can’t handle the

truth!” Right, exactly. So, you got it? I said just before that, “Okay, I’ve got a theme. I don’t have an agenda but I do in fact have a theme.”

Sure, I suppose maybe that was a bit confusing for some people who don’t get it when you say you don’t have a theme and then say you do and then say you don’t again but this time say it’s more of an agenda you don’t have but then, also, maybe it wouldn’t matter a whole lot to some people if, you know, if I’d made sense the first time anyway because, you know, folks who get that easily confused, who can’t tell the subtle difference between a “theme” and an “agenda” to begin with, maybe, you know, maybe we all ought to wonder. When people say things like that, when people question what you’re getting at if you’re maybe just a bit vague about what you’re get-ting at and they want to make a big deal over it, well, you have to wonder if they maybe have an “agenda” of their own, you know what I’m saying?

I’ve tried to be clear about these things, I really have, and I think that’s pretty obvious from everything I’ve done during my term as President. I recall all too well, for example, when I suggested at a Board meeting last year that we get rid of the Halloween party and have what we eventually called the “Networking, Wine Tasting and Cheese Nibbling Festivities at a Decent Hour in the Evening at the Morton Arboretum With Auction-ing off of Condos for the Foundation and Other Fun Things to Do Fall Bar Association Event.”

6 D c b A G R I e f

President’s Message

Colleen is the third woman President to put up with the Board of Directors in the DCBA’s 134 year history. Her commit-ment to this position is evidenced by her showing up to board meetings, committee meetings, and social events during her tenure. As a DCBA Director, Colleen has been attending those same meetings since 1999. She is a current member of the ISBA Assembly of ISBA Assembly mem-bers and chair of the Agenda Advisory Committee to the Assembly Committee of ISBA Assembly of Assembly members. After serving 16 years as an Assistant Attorney General, Colleen got tired of it and started her own Wheaton law fi rm in 1996, where she concentrates her practice in advising her clients on various legal related matters, representing primar-ily people who have some kind of legal problem in state and federal court and before administrative agencies.

Colleen McLaughlinTh e Boss

Sharon R. MulykUnderboss

Patrick B. HurleySkipper

Lynn C. CavalloCapo

Steven M. Ruff alo“Retired”

Gerald A. CassioppiConsigliere

Bradley PollockAssoc. Consigliere

John A. PleviakBookmaker

Arthur W. RummlerBookie

Leslie MonahanGoomba

Angela M. AliotaDion U. Davi

Chantelle PorterJames J. Laraia

Timothy P. Martin Michelle L. MooreTerence C. Mullen

John J. Pcolinski, Jr. Elizabeth A. PopeAngel M. Traub

Timothy P. Whelan Th e Crew

James F. McCluskeyInformant

A. John PankauConnected

President’s Message

We like to think of this little “Outfi t” as having a certain amount of “infl uence” in

this burg. So call us. Join now.

I said at the time that I thought, “instead of dressing up in these crazy costumes that involve all kinds of colored dyes and latex and shaving your head and tattoos and lip piercings and doing the whole sacrifi cial goat thing and the grave digging thing, which I always think is just way too messy, and breaking people’s windows and climbing into their homes in the middle of the night to scare them silly and then running off with all their kitchen utensils, we should just get together for a few drinks.” John Pcolinski said, “Wait, what are you talking about?” And I didn’t just keep rambling on like some people say I do. I stopped and I explained myself as clearly as I could and we all agreed that maybe we shoudn’t just call the event “A Get Together For a Few Drinks.” Me, I thought that would have been fi ne, but I also thought, just to be clear for anyone else who didn’t understand what I was saying, maybe we should give it a name that provides maybe a bit more detailed explanation and, sure enough, it was a big success. Really, it was. No one missed Halloween any more than they did Judge’s Nite at the Abbington, which is another event we’re think-ing about renaming, by the way, but since no one else seems to like “One More Th ing Steve Armamentos Has to Gripe About,” we’re open to other ideas. If you’ve got one, send it to Leslie Monahan.

Look, here’s the thing. I am on this committee with Sharon Mulykand Pat Hurley, which we have been on together for like three years now, and we have talked about this whole theme/agenda/topic thing and we’ve all agreed that maybe one big, over-whelming, super colossal universally acceptable “topic” which makes ev-

eryone happy, no matter what team they’re on, which is of interest to all of our members and not just the chosen few, would be a really good thing to have. If it happens to reconcile the inherent contradictions between uni-fi ed fi eld theory and quantum physics, that would be good too, right? So… exactly, right? But it takes time to work out the kinks in an idea like that, which is why we are continuing to meet and revise and discuss the formation of committees to establish such a topic for future generations to consider at their meetings so that the DCBA can stand proud among all the other bar associations in this great country of ours with a President’s message that’s so on topic it achieves everyone’s common goals, helps us all in our practice, and is really, really very interesting. And so that’s the plan. Okay, it’s not an agenda. It’s not a theme. It’s not even really a topic. But it’s my plan and I’m sticking to it. You know what I’m saying? □

Continued From Page 6

7A P R I L 2 0 1 2

DCBA GRIEF ©2012 DuPage County Bar Association (all rights reserved). Unless otherwise stated, nothing herein was authorized, reviewed or even acknowledged by President Colleen McLaughlin, Executive Di-rector Leslie Monahan or anyone else in the DCBA. No, it probably should not have been printed or re-printed, in whole or in part, without the express permission of the DCBA, but it was. DISCLAIMER: Most all of the opinions or positions expressed

Let ters to the ed itor

in articles appearing in the DCBA GRIEF were not actually written by anyone we said were authors and neither the facts nor anything herein which appears to have been even remotely based in fact should actually be considered a fact. Except of course the statements in this disclaimer, which are true statements regarding the falsity of all the other statements in this magazine. Got it? This is true. Everything else in this is-sue is not. Believe me. You do believe me, don’t you? Have I ever lied to you?

Well, in this space in the magazine anyway? Material submitted to the DCBA GRIEF for possible publication must conform with the DCBA GRIEF’s Writers Guidelines which remain a mystery to all but a very small group of people. ADVERTISING AND PRO-MOTION: All of the advertising in this publication is fictional. It’s like the content, all fake. All made up. All complete fiction. Remember? This is true. Everything else is false, fiction... make believe.

Dear [Grief Editor],Welcome back. As far as cover ideas I think it should illustrate a concept covered by one of the law articles in that edition.Thanks,Eric Waltmire, Editor-in-Chief

Grief Response: Well, we have a few thoughts....

Dear Grief,Sorry for the delay in responding. What do you have in mind for the cover? I’m open to ideas.-Eric Waltmire, Editor-in-Chief

Grief Response: Well, it would include a Chief Judge...

Dear Grief,I think it would be a fine idea to feature Chief Judge Elsner on the cover. What did you have in mind for the shot?-Eric Waltmire, Editor-in-Chief

Grief Response: Something flattering of course. Maybe it’s best we discuss it over the phone.

Grief:Any update on making those changes? Like I said, I think we need to cover him with a sash or the like - as we discussed.

Grief Response: Oh, we thought you said with “sass” not “sash” - whoops.

Grief: What article does this relate to in the magazine again?-Eric Waltmire, Editor-in-Chief

Grief Response: Article? Um....

Grief:I’m a little worried. Should one of us maybe shoot an email to the cover artist to ask whether it’s easy enough to drape something over Elsner’s shoulders or stick him in a vest maybe?-Eric

Grief Response: -----

Grief Editor:Should I interpret the lack of

response as (1) you’re not done with the changes or (2) you’re trying to keep the cover top secret?

Grief Response: Uh, yeah that’s it. It’s a surprise.

Grief Editor:After thinking on this some more, I think, (1) we need to do away with the cheetah pattern on the shorts, perhaps a kilt? and also (2) we need to add a shirt or armor that covers the chest and stops at the waist but can be a cut-off or tank top style to show the muscle arms, (3) also the protrusion of the rhino from the belt buckle might be problematic. and (4) like I said, can we add a cape or coat to make him look more like a Viking and less like a romance novel cover-- something along those lines?

Grief Response: Cheetah? I think that’s leopard actually. And technically it’s a loin cloth. Ok, we’ll put some clothes on him. Sorry ladies. Romance novel? Yeah sure, a cape. That’ll fix it. □

8 D c b A G R I e f

PLUS: “Elsner the Conqueror” debuts on DCTV: ARDC Ethics Chief Guest Stars as

“Grogan, God of Legal Ethics” 18

News & EventsOccupy

ARC Gets Noticed

10

DCBA Invades

Cuba 11

New Lawyer Sighted at

New Lawyer

Event 13

DCBA Considers New Bylaws14

New Proposed Judicial Application17

After seemingly months of continuous occupancy of the Attorney’s Resource Center

by a rag tag group of veteran attorneys someone has fi nally noticed. Th ough its origins are not fully documented, common wisdom indicates the occu-pancy started shortly after the retire-ment of Judge Joe Bongiorno when the comfy chairs in the corner became available for use by actual lawyers. While a leaderless and shifting group in general, there are some fairly regular participants. In self-imposed exile from the ARC since the retirement of his shadow, Chief Judge Jack Elsner has been seen there of late. “Well, the fi rst thing I no-ticed was that these people apparently have no homes, no lives, no practice and no clue,” said Elsner. “Day after day I see the same bunch sitting at what I call ‘Th e Closing Argument Table’ because that’s the only place they actu-

tively statuesque.” “I’m not protesting anything, said Joe Mirabella but I can imagine why people would with all these broads as lawyers now a days. Hey, can you make sure my partner Lynn doesn’t hear that?” Th e gathering has not been without its logistical problems. Fortunately Terry Benshoof used it as another excuse to dust off his uniform and pro-vide “security.” Food and drink issues became somewhat contentious. Th e Kirkeles Bar and Grill which opened in the conference room refused to serve all comers. Proprietor Nick Kirkelesexplained himself, “We serve hard drinks to men who want to get drunk fast and we don’t need any ‘characters’ to give the joint ‘atmosphere.’ Okay, you two pixies... Outta da door or trew da window!” Th e Domestic Relations staff, led by Judge John Demling, started its own counter protest on Th ursdays objecting to the move to donuts from Café DuPage as opposed to Sauers. “We don’t care if it’s free, we want Walt’s Package.” It remains to be seen whether the rabble will ever organize to accomplish anything. □

ally deliver anything like an actual clos-ing argument. Th e Rest of the time, they’re just drinking coff ee and telling bad jokes from old Reader’s Digests. Individually they aren’t worth paying attention to but not unlike a fl ock of starlings, as a group they can cause a lot of havoc. I’m thinking about selling a separate pass to attorneys for admission to this place.” Emerging from his Army issue pup tent carrying a can of C-Rations, OARC participant John McTigue was asked what the protest is about. “Th ere’s a protest? Nobody told me. I just come here to play with my phone and tell punch lines to dirty jokes. Maybe you can ask Pcolinski what it’s about, he hasn’t left in months,” said McTigue. For his part, John Pcolinskidisavowed any knowledge of a protest. “I consider this marketing at its fi nest. People come here to talk about screwy cases. I’m pretty sure they think of me whenever they have a screwy case. If I hang out often enough, they refer them to me instead of Patrick Edgerton.”

Raleigh Kalbfleish put it more simply: “Next to Pcolinski I look posi-

hang out often enough, they refer them to me instead of

simply: “Next to Pcolinski I look posi-

Occupy ARC Movement Gets Noticed

Scenes from Occupy ARC on Donut Day, February 16, 2012

D c b A G R I e f10

While planning her Presi-dent’s Trip for this year, current DCBA Presi-

dent Colleen McLaughlin, first contemplated a hiking adventure in the foothills of Iran but thought better of it when she recalled Judge Hollis Webster’s navigational is-sues while hiking around her Jack-son Hole vacation home. She then settled on a comparative law theme and made arrangements for members of the DCBA to read the works of Hosni Mubarak, Moamar Khadafi (aka Moammar Khadafy, aka Muamar Qaddafi , aka Muamar Gadhafi or “Mumu” to his friends) and Bashar al-Assad in anticipation of a lively discussion in sunny Nica-ragua on the advantages of install-ing openly totalitarian rule here in DuPage County.

“While some would say we already have it here in DuPage,” McLaughlin said, “I would argue that totalitarianism has really only become popular in the People’s Republic of Naperville. It seems to be working well there.” “I thought it was time to explore expanding the practice,” McLaughlin continued. “I know Justice Joe Birkett was interested in attending. Unfortu-nately, we couldn’t line up a speaker. Mubarak was unavailable, Mumu passed away and al-Assad, when we called him, seemed too distracted by a new collection of riot suppression weaponry he had just purchased.

So, that fell apart and I decided we could all use a little fun in the sun and decided to invade Cuba.”

McLaughlin was able to scram-ble and quickly put together a strike team headed by our very own Brent Christensen who was just back from a relaxing vacation from the Fantasy Navy Seal Training Camp. “Heh, heh,” Christensen said, “I like to blow things up.” Other at-tendees included DCBA President Elect Sharon Mulyk, who said she thought it would give her a chance to “scout for the next A.J.” and Sec-

ond Vice President Pat Hurley who complained the whole time because he “just wanted to steer the boat and never got to.”

Highlights of the trip included a stay at the luxurious Bay of Pigs Hotel and Prison Camp, two 16 hour days rolling cigars, a tour of the Havana based Fidel Castro Museum of Army Fatigues and 1950’s Auto Auction and a lunch lecture at the Desi Arnaz Center on ‘Splainin Th ings Better on Trial Advocacy Techniques. Fun was had by all; most made it back. □

“Despots of the World” Lecture Series Canceled in Favor ofNew Agenda For President’s Trip; DCBA Invades Cuba

DCBA Third Vice-President Pat Hurley posing for one last photograph before boarding, just prior to the group’s return trip to Florida.

11A P R I L 2 0 1 2

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Newly appointed Chief Judge Jack Elsner has announced a plan to re-

strict access to the surface parking lot at the Henry J. Hyde Judicial Office Facility Complex to attor-neys who agree to a “nominal” fee and to have a transponder implanted in a chip behind their

system, remote starter and park-ing pass. “It’ll be convenient on those inclement weather days,” said Courthouse Administrator, “Zombie” John Lapinski. “Just tap behind your ear as you leave the courtroom and your car will be warmed up by the time you get done with your donut.” □

Scientists Confirm Sighting of Actual New Lawyer at DCBA New Lawyers’ Happy Hour

ears. Among other features, the chip would communicate with the at-torney’s respective vehicles so that as one leaves the vehicle, a holographic image of Jack himself appears standing behind the vehicle hold-ing a cup of coffee and umbrella. The all new “Court Valet” will also have a pre-installed keyless entry

For years anthropologists had all but abandoned the hope of spotting a bona fide “new lawyer”

at the DCBA’s monthly networking debauch known as New & Young Lawyers’ Happy Hour. It now appears, however, that rumors of the extinction of actual new lawyers from the event have been exaggerated. Just this last month, scientists confirmed that Lex Newbie, a 27 year old recent graduate of The Juan Marichal Law School in the Dominican Republic briefly attended the event before being chased away by several confused geriatric judges.

“We don’t mind that a new lawyer would attend New Lawyers’ Happy Hour,” said Judge John Dem-ling, whose unbroken streak of at-tendance at the monthly event is unmatched. “But this Newbie guy was a total pest. He barely listened to any of our war stories before attempting to circulate his resume. Dude was lame – even Judge Leston thought so.” Newbie appears to have also run afoul with decorum by parking his rolling brief case in an area reserved for the more mature lawyers’ and judges’ walk-ers, canes and oxygen tanks.

Not every gray hair was mussed by Newbie’s presence at the event. One perennial Circuit Judge Candidate, who asked not to be iden-tified by name, was pleased with the brief transfusion of new blood into the event. “I thought the presence of a new lawyer at the New Lawyers’ Happy Hour was a breath of fresh air,” he said. “Before Demling and Leston gave the kid the bum’s rush I was able to toss out his resumes and shove at least thirty yard signs into that rolling brief case thingy.” □

Judge Elsner Rolls Out New Parking Lot Strtategy

14 D c b A G R I e f

Article II, Section 4.5 Committee Chair Responsibilities

The committee chair of each committee shall conduct at least one CLE event per year. All committees who fail to organize a CLE approved event shall lose pizza privileges for not less than three months. After 3 (three) months the committee chair shall be eligible to apply for reinstatement upon the submission of an appropriate apology and verifi cation by the Executive Director of acceptable completion of cleanup duty at 6 (six) consecutive donut Th ursdays.

Article V, Section 2. Executive Director’s

Responsibilities

In addi t ion to ca r r y ing out other duties as may be assigned by the President or the Board of Directors, the Executive Director shall coordinate with personnel on

every Donut Th ursday to ensure the reservation of one chocolate frosted cake donut for Judge Demling. Where appropriate to do so in matters of Bench/Bar relations, additional donut reservations may be made from time to time upon the written request and attestation by any 3 (three) members of the DuPage judiciary.

Article V, Section 67 Past President’s Responsibilities

The past president shall, at each meeting at which he or she may elect to attend, if any, endeavor to suggest at least 1 (one) controversial idea that will cause other members of the board to engage in fruitless and extensive debate at the expense of the current president’s agenda. Th e past president may be eligible for the Past President’s Award in any year in which they are able to create an irreparable rift between the current President and any serving member of the Board of Directors.

Article I, Section 58.4/509(d) Past Year’s Editor’Responsibilities

The past year’s editor shall attend meetings on a random, unpredictable basis appearing for the sole purpose of razzing, heckling and/or otherwise unsettl ing the current editor, challenging his sensibilities and/or distracting him from the meeting agenda. Th e past year’s editor shall have no regular responsibilities, shall write no articles, and shall participate in no editorial work but shall make promises to do things and shall hold an important sounding title but which shall in no way be construed so as to actually impart any responsibility of any kind on the past year’s editor.

Article VII, Section XIIVHSpecial Meetings

Upon the vote of 1/16th of the Directors in attendance at any meeting, a special meeting shall be

DCBA Membership to Consider Amendments to Bylaws

In anticipation of the Spring Drinking Liquoric Beverages and Networking With Other Attorneys, Paralegals and Other Professionals While Participating in Another Silent Auction Event, the DCBA Board of Directors intends to present proposed Amendments to the

DCBA Bylaws for vote by the general membership. Th ese proposed Amendments to the Bylaws were negotiated by the DCBA Board of Directors and the DCBA Grief Publication Board, which had threatened to publish certain “images” in this edition unless a number of specifi c Amendments were included among those to be considered. In order to participate in the vote, members must be in good standing and be in attendance at the aforesaid event, tickets to which may be purchased from the DCBA at a price of $85 per person ($750 for a table of ten). Th e following Amendments will be voted on at that time:

Continued On Page 15

D C B A G r i e f O f f i c i a l N o t i c e

15A P R I L 2 0 1 2

called of the Board of Directors to reconsider any vote taken upon a motion at any meeting that such member of the Board of Directors deems confusing, misguided, unclear, forgotten or just plain stupid. Notice may be waived and vote may be had by electronic means as allowed under section 23.2 of Article VXII of these bylaws.

Article I, Amendment 1 DCBA Grief Foundation

The Foundation shall consist of the members of the DCBA Grief Publication Board and 6 (six) members of the bar association with a sense of humor. Th e founding members shall be eligible for Ambassador status. Ambassadors shall be eligible members who can prove an excess of 2500 hours of grief provided to any member of the DCBA, Dupage Judicial community or bar staff. Proof by affi davit, appellate decision or transcript shall be accepted. All affi davits from bar association staff shall be aff orded double credit.

Article I, Section 10.3-5(a) Grief Editor’s Responsibilities

In addition to carrying out other duties as may be assigned, the Editor-in-Chief shall do everything in his or her power to encourage letters to the editor submissions to the magazine. The Editor-in-Chief shall, in his sole discretion, determine such method or methods as may be appropriate from time to time. Th is may be accomplished by printing such content which would likely bring about a reaction from the general membership or

Board of Directors including, but not limited to: politically charged commentary, failing to edit and remove controversial comments from the President’s Message (save them from themselves), printing typos generally, failing to provide proper credit, attribution or praise to any member, and revealing that the DCBA Publication Board is and has been run by Democrats for the last 10 (ten) years.

Article XII, Section 3.14159265 Location of Meetings

Unless by the consent of more than 2/3 (two-thirds) of the members entitled to vote, all donut related events shall occur within 1 (one) mile of the Henry J. Hyde Judicial Offi ce Facilities Complex (the DuPage County Courthouse).

Article IIII, Section 11.11 Disassociated Members

In the event a member of the Board of Directors determines that a member of the association conducts himself or herself in a manner which refl ects badly on such board member, on the Board as a whole or on the Association, including but not limited to the filing of pleadings which require extensive briefi ng on the part of such Board Member, the public display of bad wardrobe choices at bar association events, failure to exercise appropriate deference by neglecting to refer to such Board Member as “your Honor” and bowing in his or her presence, or in the event a Board Member reasonably determines in the exercise of his or her discretion that such member is otherwise guilty of acting like an ass, as otherwise defi ned in these by laws, in lieu of removal, such Board Member may call for a

fi nding of Disassociation. Upon a majority vote of the full Board, the member in question shall thereafter be included in the membership roster as “disassociated.” Th e bar staff shall, in such event, ensure that such disassociated member has bad seats at Judges Nite, is given late notice of all bar events, and receives a fuzzy, out-of-focus picture for his or her bar card.

Article 4, Section VIXGB Cook County Day Passes

Th e DCBA shall be authorized to issue and Cook County Attorneys may purchase a temporary security “Day Pass” through the DuPage County Bar Association that allows them to enter the 18th (Eighteenth)Judicial Circuit court buildings. Cook County Attorneys may also (for an additional fee) purchase a waiver that allows them to practice law while in the building. All Cook County Attorneys must have written permission from the 18th Circuit Court Administrator and/or Chief Judge to practice law while in the building.

Article XXIIV, Section 72 DCBA Judiciary Committee

Responsibilities

Each member of the Judiciary Committee shall work numerous unappreciated volunteer hours making countless phone calls and attending multiple meetings. Each member shall possess suffi cient skills to decipher pure, unadulterated bull excrement. Turtle like shells to withstand dissatisfi ed candidate abuse will be provided at association expense.

DCBA Proposed BylawsContinued From Page 14

Continued On Page 17

(1) Name:

(2) List any other names people have called you:(3) Address(es):Home:Business: Watering Hole:

(4) Are you admitted to practice law? Anywhere?

(5) Are you married to any county offi cials who control the courthouse budget?

(6) Are you related by blood to any sitting Chief Judges?

(7) Are you partners with any Speakers of the House of the General Assembly?

(8) Are you related by marriage to any former Chief Judges and/or Congressmen?

(9) How much water have you carried for the Elephant?

Please print or type your answers to the questions in this application. Use

additional pages as necessary.

(10) What was the grade on your high school Constitution test?(11) Is your spouse/partner: (a) Politically connected? (B) Related to a sitting judge? (c) Hot?

(12) Do you now or have you ever suff ered from delusions?

(13) Identify three scenes from “Th e GoodWife” which are based on premises contrary to Illinois Law amd explain why: (14) Describe your perfect Tuesday:

(15) Please provide your Facebook, Twitter and MySpace passwords:(16) How many consecutive years have you fi lled out this application? (Please circle one only): (a) 1-5 (b) 5-10 (c) 10-15 (d) Delusional

(17) Cubs or Sox?

(18) What was the name of your third grade crush?

(19) Do you have any mental, physical or Democratic Party disability that, with or without any reasonable accommodation, would prevent you from discharging the duties of this offi ce?

(20) Please provide a complete list of all your contributions to Circuit Judge campaigns in the last five years:

(21) Whi le complet ing th i s application, did you remember to use a #2 lead pencil?

(22) List of all Judicial Campaigns you have chaired for the last fi ve years:

(23) Who do you believe are the three (3) most valuable players in the American League?

(24) How’s about in the National League?

(25) Please provide a complete list of all charitable golf outings you have attended and provide a copy of your score card:

(26) Write a haiku, limerick, or short poem that best represents you:

(27) List all national, state, specialty, honorary and other bar association foundation, legal aid and scholarship fund contributions you have made in the last 5 (fi ve) years:

(28) Who’s faster, Superman or the Flash (Silver Age)?

(29) List off all bar association silent auctions you have attended, description of all items or services purchased with the price paid and actual cash value of each item or service:

(30) Two lawyers leave Cook County at the same time. Lawyer A takes the train and Lawyer B takes the Eisenhower in a Prius. Both Lawyers have a 9:30 status call in DuPage County. Lawyer A is in Chancery Division. Lawyer B is in Law Division. Lawyer A’s train leaves Ogilvie at 8:04 and is delayed by one bus on the tracks and two passengers loading strollers. Lawyer B is stuck in traffi c at Harlem and decides to take the side roads. Lawyer A forgot to charge his cell phone and lawyer B is the former partner of a newly appointed Judge. Neither calls to say they’ll be late. Who’s case gets DWP’d?

(31) List any elective offices you have held:

(32) List any appointive offi ces you have held:

(33) Date you became a states attorney: □

DCBA Proposed BylawsContinued From Page 15

Article XXIIV, Section 73 DCBA Judiciary Committee

Application for Appointment

To the Offi ce of Associate Judge

17A P R I L 2 0 1 2

(1) Name:

(2) List any other names people have called you:(3) Address(es):Home:Business: Watering Hole:

(4) Are you admitted to practice law? Anywhere?

(5) Are you married to any county offi cials who control the courthouse budget?

(6) Are you related by blood to any sitting Chief Judges?

(7) Are you partners with any Speakers of the House of the General Assembly?

(8) Are you related by marriage to any former Chief Judges and/or

Please print or type your answers to the questions in this application. Use

additional pages as necessary.

(10) What was the grade on your high school Constitution test?(11) Is your spouse/partner: (a) Politically connected? (B) Related to a sitting judge? (c) Hot?

(12) Do you now or have you ever suff ered from delusions?

(13) Identify three scenes from “Th e GoodWife” which are based on premises contrary to Illinois Law amd explain why: (14) Describe your perfect Tuesday:

(15) Please provide your Facebook, Twitter and MySpace passwords:(16) How many consecutive years have you fi lled out this application? (Please circle one only): (a) 1-5 (b) 5-10 (c) 10-15 (d) Delusional

(17) Cubs or Sox?

(18) What was the name of your third grade crush?

(19) Do you have any mental, physical or Democratic Party disability that, with or without any reasonable accommodation, would prevent you from discharging the duties of this offi ce?

(20) Please provide a complete list of all your contributions to Circuit Judge campaigns in the last five years:

(21) Whi le complet ing th i s application, did you remember to use a #2 lead pencil?

(22) List of all Judicial Campaigns you have chaired for the last fi ve years:

(23) Who do you believe are the three (3) most valuable players in

(25) Please provide a complete list of all charitable golf outings you have attended and provide a copy of your score card:

(26) Write a haiku, limerick, or short poem that best represents you:

(27) List all national, state, specialty, honorary and other bar association foundation, legal aid and scholarship fund contributions you have made in the last 5 (fi ve) years:

(28) Who’s faster, Superman or the Flash (Silver Age)?

(29) List off all bar association silent auctions you have attended, description of all items or services purchased with the price paid and actual cash value of each item or service:

(30) Two lawyers leave Cook County at the same time. Lawyer A takes the train and Lawyer B takes the Eisenhower in a Prius. Both Lawyers have a 9:30 status call in DuPage County. Lawyer A is in Chancery Division. Lawyer B is in Law Division. Lawyer A’s train leaves Ogilvie at 8:04 and is delayed by one bus on the tracks and two passengers loading strollers. Lawyer B is stuck in traffi c at Harlem and decides to take the side roads. Lawyer A forgot to charge his cell phone and lawyer B is the former partner of a newly appointed Judge. Neither calls to say they’ll be late. Who’s case gets DWP’d?

(31) List any elective offices you have held:

(32) List any appointive offi ces you have held:

DCBA Proposed BylawsContinued From Page 15

Article XXIIV, Section 73 DCBA Judiciary Committee

Application for Appointment

To the Offi ce of Associate Judge

Each application provided by the Judiciary Commitee to applicants for consideration for the position of Associate Judge shall include, at minumium, the following:

On January 24, 2012 Chief Justice Thomas Kilbride announced that the Supreme Court of Illinois is start-

ing a pilot program to allow televised court proceedings. Seizing on that opportunity, Dupage County Chief Judge Jack Elsner announced the Eighteenth Circuit’s plan to create its own network and line of program-ming. “I see no reason why anyone should have to actually come to court when we can do everything by TV,” said Judge Elsner. “I mean, let’s pretend that Judge Black doesn’t live around here anymore and we can try some new things. Plus, we think we can make things a lot more entertaining and informa-tive.” Elsner has since entered into a joint venture with Lifetime Network and hopes to soon have a full fall lineup of program-ming for the newly created DuPage Court Television (DCTV). “The hope is to present a realistic view of the workings of the DuPage County Court System in an entertaining way using DCTV as the vehicle,” said Elsner. Among the programming will be:

Chief Judge Elsner Announces

the Creation ofNew Network

Comedies!

DCTVGUIDE

Game Shows!

Orange Jumpsuit Junction. A hilarious send up of the escapades at a field court situated midway between Wheaton and Naperville. “Come ride the little train that is rolling down the tracks to the Junction (Orange Jumpsuit Junction). Forget about your rights, it’s time to convict at the junction (Orange Jumpsuit Junction).” All in the Pokey. Laugh along with irascible deputy sheriff Archie Bunkum as he deals with the changing population of the county jail: Dose were da days.Legal Action. The DCBA Favorite is back in its new home! Sit back and enjoy the antics as your host, Susan Alvardo, interviews some of the funniest lawyers in DuPage County.

Equi Justice. Judge Rod Equi stars in this action packed series, brought to you by the DCBA Grief’s favorite sponsor, Dos Equis, and blending the best of family court and “The Price is Right.” Whel of Sentencing.You won’t believe what happens when the wheel lands on “stupid!” Circuit Feud. The winning family gets to pick the next associate judge.60 Billable Minutes. See who can log the highest number of billable hours on any given day by making pointless discovery motions and specious petitions for rule to show cause.

18 D c b A G R I e f

Reality TV!

Talk Shows!

Adventure!

Law & Order!

Donut Boss. An intimate look at life in the Attorney Resource Center, starring Judge John Demling.American Grandstand. A selection of the best of DuPage County States Attorney’s press conferences. Say Yes to the Robe. Judge Bruce Kelsey stars in this show about finding the perfect judicial vestments (sponsored by DIS-ROBES).Paul Blart, County Complex Secvurity Guard. Follow the county security officers on their exciting duties, parking in various spots of the County Complex and watching Netflix movies on their computers during working hours.

Elsner the Conqueror. Our very own Chief Judge Jack Elsner stars as the “Conqueror” in this ongoing series about life in the fields of Western DuPage County back when the Norse Gods ruled the Earth. Guest starring ARDC Chief, Jim Grogan, as “Grogan the God of Legal Ethics,” Richard Felice as “Emperor Palpatine” and “Zombie John” Lapinski as “Loki, the God of Mischief.” With CGI effects provided by the DCBA’s own Mary Anne McManus, this is one to watch!How I Met Your Cellmate. For mature audiences.Lost. Follow Judge Hollis Webster as she treks through the Tetons in search of a way home. Filmed on location.

Berlin’s Angels. Follow three new Assistant States’ Attorneys as they learn the ropes in the Eighteenth Judicial Circuit and find themselves embroiled in a series of mysteries and action-packed adventures. The Good Judge. We’ll get the law right this time. We promise.

Also in development: Konetsky and Hutch, Anderson, P.I., Two and a Half Convictions starring Rolando Cruz, As the Jury Turns and One Life to Give, a sentencing guideline melodrama.

Jacki! Yes, indeed, we’ve got her! Jacki Hamler, the Queen of All Bar Things, stars in this weekly talkie featuring guest stars drawn from throughout the DuPage Bar community. With Steve Armamentos and the Judge’s Nite Band, Jacki brings her unique brand of humor to a series the DCBA Grief is already calling “Must See TV.” Join Jacki for this exciting weekly talk-fest, from behind the scenes at DCBA Directors meetings to exclusive red carpet interviews before the annual President’s Ball. □

19A P R I L 2 0 1 2

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Exploratory Committee Researches Feasability

The DCBA Strategic Plan Exploratory Committee is set to research the feasability of support for an election to elect a committee that would be charged with the task of organizing the agenda for a meeting of the committee that would put together the proposed strategic plan in preparation for the board vote to approve the strategic plan including the plan to form committees to plan upcoming events, CLE seminars and a committee to explore the possibility of planning a tri-annual meeting of the exploratory committee as well as a proposed by-law amendment to make the exploratory committee a permanent committee.

Elsner and Sutter Make Nice

A rift between Chief Judge Jack Elsner and Circuit Judge Ron Sutter appears to be coming to an end. Frequent readers of this column will remember that the rift began when Sutter, front man for the Judges’ Nite Band, refused Elsner’s request that the band play “Hail to the Chief” at Elsner’s coronation as Chief Judge. “It wasn’t anything personal,” Sutter said. “It’s just that particular song has some really hard chords to play.” Whether it was personal or not may be up for debate, but at least the short-lived controversy is now over. From now on, all meetings of the Circuit Judges presided over by Elsner will be preceded by a brief prayer and Sutter’s acoustic rendition of The Mickey Mouse Club theme song.

Cronin Under Pressure to Make Another

Decision About Escalators

DuPage County Board Chairman, Dan Cronin has been under increasing pressure to replace the used escalators installed just last year at the DuPage County Judicial Center. While the “new” escalators – obtained by the County on E-Bay from a defunct East German-era shopping mall – have actually performed quite well, pressure on Cronin to replace them has come primarily from the firm which had the maintenance contract on the old escalators. A spokesman for Acme Es-calator Repair said the firm’s revenues have plummeted since the installa-tion of the German escalators. “This wouldn’t have happened had DuPage County installed an escalator made in America,” the spokesman said. “If it had, American escalator manufacturing jobs would have been protected as well as the jobs of those Americans required to render the weekly repairs.”

Kachiroubus Announces “First in Line” Program

For Attorneys

Capitalizing on the success of Sheriff John Zaruba’s “Get Out of Jail Free Card” Program and Chief Judge Jack Elsner’s Preferred Parking Program, Circuit Court Clerk Chris Kachir-oubas announces his new court-streamlining program, “First in Line.” Kachiroubas proudly proclaims, “No more will the first spot on the court-room docket sheet be for the first time period, in filing date order,” he said.

“Now, the top spot is going to mean something.” For a nominal monthly fee, attorneys can purchase the pri-mary position on each courtroom’s daily docket. This will give attorneys certain privileges, including: the right to show for Court whenever it is truly convenient, the right to bump pro se litigants out of the way for any reason, the right to approach the courtroom clerk and interrupt him or her for any reason, and the freedom to speak to any person in the courtroom, at any volume, without reprisal from the deputy assigned to the courtroom.

Condo Fundraiser Proves A Great Success for DCBAfor Fall Networking Event

Finally, the DCBA Fall networking event and condo auction was a rousing success. Several members generously contributed weekly stays in their con-dos to the Legal Aid silent auction. Over $2,500 was raised thanks in large part to some marvelous condos offered in some of DuPage’s finest office buildings. Several office suites offered conference room access and kitchen privileges including a few with part time reception help and internet access. The late November event arrived just in time for condo donors to deduct the fair market value from their 2011 taxes as an in-kind contribution. “Wow, for one whole week in August, I can skip that long drive from Naperville! Now with just a walk across County Farm Road to the courthouse, I can get all the free coffee I want from the the ARC. Some days they even have donuts!” one lucky winning bidder was overheard saying. □ 21A P R I L 2 0 1 2

Jones v. Davis, 1111 Ill.App.3d 123, 653 N.E.2d 7779 (2nd Dist. 2011), majority opinion by Justice Ann B. Jorgensen.

Justice Ann Jorgensen’s beautifully poetic view of Jones v. Davis seems to question the very nature of summary judgment. Told in five sections, Jorgensen’s writing may start out slow, but in just a few sentences, her tale of a group of shareholders who came to the United States to build a mail order business in the 1990s quickly evolves. By the end, it should be clear to anyone who has the opportunity to read this intelligent and masterful prose that Jones v. Davis should be counted among the most riveting of opinions Jorgensen has ever written.

It will be remembered as a true classic, bound to fi nd mention and to be quoted in the briefs and arguments of her readers for many years to come.

Th e tale of two disenfranchised minority owners who are marginalized by the major i ty shareholders , Jorgensen’s six-page decision takes the reader through a two decade long journey of countless freeze outs, a dilution of their shares, and a host of nefarious tactics and shenanigans.

Referring to her protagonists as “plaintiffs” rather than by their individual names keeps us from seeing more of the individual characters’ roles in the story, thus forcing the reader to bear witness to the conduct of the defendants without burdening us with insignifi cant details. By the time Jorgensen leaves the captivating story which serves as her prologue, there are no questions -- no questions, at least, that we might consider material.

McGinnis v. Triassifix, Ltd., 222 F.3d 1131 (7th Cir. 2011), majority opinion by Judge Richard Posner.

Like most of his audience, we anxiously await each new installment

in Judge Posner’s ongoing story of a witty and charming appellate court judge whose only regret in life is that he must suff er through the banal and often myopic work of attorneys who just don’t seem to get it. As many times as we’ve read this story, how is it we never tire of it? Whatever the setting, whatever the underlying tale, each time Judge Posner takes his pen in hand, we are happily brought into the familiar world of a character we may suspect is somewhat autobiographical in his roots, but whose charm always wins us over and who, in the end, always saves the day. Posner’s occasional digressions into stories about Pixie, the white-and-gray Maine Coon cat who “gives him nuzzles,” only makes him all the more endearing.

Like each of Posner’s works before it, McGinnis v. Triassifi x may start off posing what seems like an unsolvable dilemma. But, as Posner takes us by the hand through the dark forests of federal civil procedure and Congressional intent, we know that, in the end, the sun will rise and the story will reach its inevitable conclusion. Our hero takes center stage and tells us how, through his remarkable methodology and deductive reasoning, he has discovered the answers to each and all of the questions posed by his protagonists. Like in an old Sherlock Homes or Charlie Chan serial, the fi nal moment is Posner’s. So reading McGinnis never disappoints, although it does leave us to wonder.

In the end, do we really still need the Aristotelian notion of protagonist and antagonist in a Posner opinion? Must there be a conflict or any kind of rising tension for us to truly appreciate the cadence of his authorship? How far can the bounds of Posner’s narrative be stretched and still provide the satisfaction we have come to expect from him?

Jones v. Davis, 1111 Ill.App.3d 123, 653 N.E.2d 7779 (2nd Dist. 2011), dissenting opinion by Justice Joseph Birkett.

Justice Joe Birkett’s opinion in Jones v. Davis isn’t so much an original work as it is a critique of the creative legacy of Justice Ann Jorgensen. In that respect, Birkett’s latest installment is a disappointment. Still, Birkett’s exquisitely accomplished prose defi nes the characters in his drama swiftly and beautifully. He may be no novelist, but he is surely establishing himself as one of those rare, hard-hitting jurists who can make truth surpass fi ction, a documentarian with a superb sense of human drama, making us forget that this is the work of a former States Attorney.

“It’s time to stop pretending these tests apply to us,” Birkett says first, bringing a refreshing, blunt brutality to his perspective. Never condescending to his subjects, Birkett dissects Jorgensen’s majority opinion like a pig in freshman biology. It is a calamitous eff ort – Birkett would clearly have done well to review the great history of Jorgensen’s work before venturing into this – but by embracing the sewage, both literal and moral, that pervades the abject, pathetic history of summary judgment, Birkett raises some stark and poignant questions. To criticize Birkett’s analysis does not do justice to his agile prose, or the wry tone and surprisingly upbeat theatrics which underscore his opinion. □

Michael R. Sitrick, our Caselaw Update Editor, is an associate attorney with the law fi rm of Mamet, Sloane & Patinkin in Glendale Heights, Illinois. A former critic for the Chicago Reader, Sitrick served as Articles Editor for the Arts & Entertainment Law Review at the University of Th espian Legal Studies in Seattle, Washington, where he graduated magna cum laude in 2007.

I l l i nois caselaw Update

22 D c b A G R I e f

Maybe Next Month:

“Very Truly Yours” Can GetYou Very Truly in Trouble

by Some Old Friend of Joe’s

Don’t Make Me Charge You With What You Really Did

by Bob Berlin

Where the Apostrophe Goes in “State’s Attorney”

by Tim Newitt

Punctuation Junction. What’s Your Function?

by Tim Newitt

ArticlesFair Market Value Concepts and

Applications: Why You Need a Business Valuation Expert

By Danielle Hoogerwerf

Interesting and InsightfulArticles About MindBlowing Legal Issues

From This Month’s Articles Editor

By Joseph Knight

It’s always an honor to work an issue of the DCBA Grief. You might think the publication

board (aka the Publications Board/Pub Board/Board of Publications/Editorial Board) is all fun and games, but it really is serious busi-ness. Without the contribution of these people and dozens of their friends, we, the general members of the DCBA, would have none of these scholarly articles each month. One could argue every DCBA member is just a bit smarter around them. Hundreds of hours are spent each month putting this magazine together. The gravity of the task is one an Articles Editor cannot take lightly. After all, the Articles sec-tion, the meat, the heart and soul of this magazine, is the only one that gets published on Westlaw. As an Articles Editor, you have to find people to write articles and then you edit them. What no one tells you is that 90% of the Articles Editor’s job is herding all those authors, answering emails, making phone calls that go unreturned and answering the same question over and over: “What’s my deadline again?”

The big dawg at the helm who oversees everything is Editor-in-Chief, Eric Waltmire. With the

help of the rest of the Editorial Board, he makes sure the News and Features sections of the magazine are full of all the important profiles, interviews, news and events the DCBA cares about. The Articles Editor is only responsible for the articles. Eric takes the Article Editor’s articles, re-edits them and makes the final decision on what goes to press. Alas, the bar maga-zine being the cut-throat business that it is, no one is guaranteed their submissions will make it to publication. They need to measure up to “DCBA standards.” Printing and mailing isn’t cheap and budgets are tight these days and Eric’s got to put together this massive ship and still make sure it doesn’t sink.

Each Articles Editor takes on the challenge to find new articles on new subjects. After all, the DCBA Grief is in its sixth year of publication. Eventually you run out of material. I believe I man-aged to put together an issue with interesting and insightful pieces on some fairly mind blowing legal issues.

First up, an interesting and probing review by my law school roommate of the Rules of Profes-sional Conduct and a practice so widely used that almost every at-

torney in the bar is guilty of it. “Very Truly Yours; Can Get You Very Truly in Trouble” discusses how us-ing this popular sign off in letters to opposing counsel could violate the rules of professional conduct covering honesty, integrity and conflicts of interest.

Sometimes, just when it might seem that all hope is lost for find-ing something new to write about, the Illinois Legislature pulls through. DuPage State’s Attorney Bob Berlin helped introduce leg-islation creating the new misde-meanor of “stupid.” Defendants acting with a “reckless disregard with the manner in which [they] wield their stupidity” will be guilty of a felony, the bill is still in com-mittee but Berlin himself penned “Don’t Make Me Charge You with What You Really Did.”

The third article, because all Eric said I needed to turn in was three, takes a look at where the apostrophe goes in “State’s At-torney” by Tim Newitt. I know the Editorial Board would love to know if it’s State’s Attorney, States Attorney, or States’ Attor-ney. Don’t even get me started on when you are talking about the office and the “attorney” gets to be plural, possessive, or both. Is it

24 D c b A G R I e f

Articles from Our friendsThe articles published in this magazine are generally contributed by lawyers and paralegals we know. If you’re interested in submitting an article to be consid-ered for publication we would be thrilled. Our friends are tired of writing for this magazine. Please contact Joe Emmerth at Joelovesemail@dcbagrief.org. Our publication guidelines for author submissions are on the website but nobody really follows them anyway. Don’t worry, our editors will fi x all the problems with your article and turn that sows ear into a publishable silk purse. If you need them, someone told us you can get CLE credit just for helping us out.

Not-Yet-A-Lawyer ArticlesThe DCBA Grief has a long-standing commitment to providing an opportunity for law students to get pub-lished. If you’re a real life law student and have some spare time or happen to be without an internship or Summer associate gig, you might as well do something productive. That resume isn’t going to fi ll itself. If you can fake an interest in the practice of law in DuPage County, you can join the DCBA for no charge. In return for this free membership we ask that you contribute articles to be considered for publication. We never guarantee submissions will actually get published, but submit away. Please contact Joe Emmerth at Joeget-sannoyed@dcbagrief.org.

SidebarsThis is the part of the DCBA Grief no one publishes anymore - because it’s a pain in the backside to edit. The lifeblood of the DCBA is its committees and they are made up of practitioners with an interest in a par-ticular area of law. We were hoping that in addition to the many CLE seminars they host, they would put together case law updates that appear in a section of the magazine called “Sidebars.” It had all the ingredi-ents for success - like a witty name. In magazine lingo “sidebars” are what you call this boxy thing on the out-side edge of the page that usually interrupts an article, kinda like the lawyer kind of “sidebars” that interrupt a jury trial. Both can be annoying but usually fi lled with something important albeit not very interesting to but a few people. We were kidding ourselves. These folks are much too busy to have time to put this together. So whenever we get it together, we put it together and publish them when we can. Hopefully, if it’s something earth shattering, someone will write an article about it. Contact or just cc Joe Emmerth at Joewantstoknow@dcbagrief.org.

Articles from Our friendsThe articles published in this magazine are generally contributed by lawyers and paralegals we know. If you’re interested in submitting an article to be consid-ered for publication we would be thrilled. Our friends are tired of writing for this magazine. Please contact Joe Emmerth at Joelovesemail@dcbagrief.org. Our publication guidelines for author submissions are on the website but nobody really follows them anyway. Don’t worry, our editors will fi x all the problems with your article and turn that sows ear into a publishable silk purse. If you need them, someone told us you can get CLE credit just for helping us out.

Not-Yet-A-Lawyer ArticlesThe DCBA Grief has a long-standing commitment to providing an opportunity for law students to get pub-lished. If you’re a real life law student and have some spare time or happen to be without an internship or Summer associate gig, you might as well do something productive. That resume isn’t going to fi ll itself. If you can fake an interest in the practice of law in DuPage County, you can join the DCBA for no charge. In return for this free membership we ask that you contribute articles to be considered for publication. We never guarantee submissions will actually get published, but submit away. Please contact Joe Emmerth at Joeget-sannoyed@dcbagrief.org.

SidebarsThis is the part of the DCBA Grief no one publishes anymore - because it’s a pain in the backside to edit. The lifeblood of the DCBA is its committees and they are made up of practitioners with an interest in a par-ticular area of law. We were hoping that in addition to the many CLE seminars they host, they would put together case law updates that appear in a section of the magazine called “Sidebars.” It had all the ingredi-ents for success - like a witty name. In magazine lingo “sidebars” are what you call this boxy thing on the out-side edge of the page that usually interrupts an article, kinda like the lawyer kind of “sidebars” that interrupt a jury trial. Both can be annoying but usually fi lled with something important albeit not very interesting to but a few people. We were kidding ourselves. These folks are much too busy to have time to put this together. So whenever we get it together, we put it together and publish them when we can. Hopefully, if it’s something earth shattering, someone will write an article about it. Contact or just cc Joe Emmerth at Joewantstoknow@dcbagrief.org.

State’s Attorneys’, States’ Attorneys’, States’ Attorney’s, State’s Attorney’s, State’s Attor-neys or States Attorneys?

Finally, my back up article, because you never know when someone is going to fl ake or just plain miss the deadline, exam-ined how much weight a comma should be aff orded in construing a contract. Tim Newitt, pulled double duty this month by graciously agreeing to write a second arti-cle about the most expensive punctuation mark in the English language. “Punctuation Junction. What’s Your Function?” examines Illinois appellate court decisions over the last 30 years and provides the grammar challenged litigator and transactional attor-ney a primer on a hotly litigated issue. As a bonus Newitt also provides an analysis of how he thinks the Illinois Supreme court will fi nally resolve the split between the 1st and 2nd District Courts. I’m sure that our fearless Editor-in-Chief, thought long and hard before choosing which of these articles should be published in this issue. To all my authors who, like me worked tirelessly on their articles, take heart. We appreciate your eff orts. Without them we wouldn’t have such a fi rst rate magazine. While there’s a lot of work involved, it’s hard to say it’s not all worth it when you see the end result. □

Joseph Knight is an associate at Walsh, Knippen, Knight and Polecat where he represents plaintiff s in personal injury and Pilates negligence cases and practices some of what he preaches. He is also an adjunct professor at the Wooster Com-munity College where he teaches Comparative History of Circuit Judges. Joseph’s obtained his undergraduate degree in musicality from the University of Phoenix in 2002. In 2008 he received his law degree from the James Monroe School of Law at Monrovia in the West African nation of Liberia. While in law school he served as the co-chief notes editor of the James Monroe Law Review and chair of the schools Exercise Interest Law Foundation’s Career Committee.

25A P R I L 2 0 1 2

Fair Market Value Concepts and Applications: Why You Need a

Business Valuation ExpertBy Danielle Hoogerwerf

You might have asked yourself at some point why you would need or want one. The “why” is not really as important as the “who.” A Business Valuation Expert consults and advises people, companies and even public entities who

need to get things done involving math. A Valuation Expert understands that each business, each organization, and each industry needs to approach math differently. When hiring a Valuation Expert, it is important to remember to choose one who is able to provide a full range of math services from math that’s “straight forward” to the kind that’s more “creative,” just in case you aren’t sure which you will need. You should know when choosing your expert that a good one will know and use words like “financial,” “intangible,” “merger,” “solvency,” “fairness,” “collateral,” “cash flow,” “ESOP,” “value,” “interim,” “permanent diminution,” “asset impairment,” “KPI,” “tangible,” “purchase price allocation,” “option valuation,” “assets” and “share based payment valuation.” It’s not important to know what all these words mean, Valuation Experts do, and they work for you. Any reputable team of experts will be focused on the execution of long-term math problems.

Because, as they say: “complete no math before it’s time.” The Expert Business Valuation process is very complicated. If you are still unsure what it’s all about, don’t worry. All you need to know is that there will be math, lots of math, and you don’t like math, especially the complicated kind. Remember the Algebra teacher who accused you of cheating on the test because you

26 D c b A G R I e f

got a D, not an F? You got booted from that class. She didn’t even give you the courtesy to wait and see if you failed the semester. You were removed. Your body, wholly unqualified to be in the presence of such complicated math, was sent back from Algebra to “Ba-sic Math.” It really should have been called “Detention Math” or “Land of Math Misfits.” There was no teaching, no talking, just a class where kids were sent to sit silently thinking about how much they hated math and have other math related thoughts. It was “Purgatory Math.”

It’s important to remember that Algebra escaped you but your friends all got it and they weren’t much smarter than you. You took notes, wrote down everything she put on the board - but there was something miss-ing, some connection in your brain was misfiring. It felt like you were missing some piece of math genetic sequencing everyone else had. There was something simple and pure about the formulas, the rules, the logic, you should have been great at it. You turned out to be a logical person right? You became a lawyer didn’t you? Lawyers are supposed to be logical people. Logical people are supposed to be “left brain” thinkers. Math people use their left brains so it would seem reasonable to think that knowing how to use your left brain means you would know how to do math - even if you didn’t like math. But you hate math, so where’s the logic in that?

Valuation Experts are here to help with the math. We really like math, and even if we don’t, we’re really good at it. My office has a staff of over 40 consultants and they all have initials after their names like ASA, ABV, AICPA, CVA, NACVA and CPA. Did you no-tice all those A’s? No coincidence. Most of them were probably mathletes in high school too. Even if they weren’t, they knew people who were. So it’s a really good chance that we love math, but even if we didn’t love math it doesn’t mean we don’t know what we are doing. Maybe we loved playing the French Horn,

which is a strange but really lovely sounding instru-ment (can you imagine Peter and the Wolf without one? Or was that a Bassoon?). It’s really tough to make a living as a French Horn player, though maybe not as hard as a Flugelhorn player. There are few positions

for professional French Horn players, though there are very few French Horn players gen-erally. So depending on mar-ket fluctuations, it could mean that it would be a really good gig to have because, you know, supply and demand right? The fewer French Horn players in the market and the fewer the positions available for French Horn players, the higher one would think the market price for a French Horn player would be. And even if we re-ally loved the French Horn and we didn’t really love math, you can see we’re really good at math because we were able to figure all that out. Besides, we have to be really good at

math to be making our living at it, right? Valuation Experts are highly qualified to assess

and evaluate your business or anyone else’s business for that matter. Whatever you need us for - it doesn’t matter. What matters is that we are the ones that have to do the math, not you. And you’re allowed to copy off our work, too. We like it when you do and you won’t even get in trouble. We know you’re no good at math, but you know now where to turn, right? That’s not to say that we think you copied off your friend that time. But if you were going to copy off someone, and we’re not saying you did, Beth Mayland would have been a good person to copy off. She was good at math. If she was good at math she might even be working with us. You’re a lawyer now for Pete’s sake and you’re allowed to turn to other people for help and it’s even ok to pay them, they are called “experts” and they do all the math for you and you don’t even have to understand it if you don’t want to. So now you can say “stick it” to your Algebra teacher, to both her and her complicated math. □  

Danielle Hooger-werf has worked exclusively in the field of math since 1979. She spec ia l iz e s in Math problems and computing numbers relating to tangible and intangible assets. She also pos-sesses extensive experience showing her work. Hoogerwerf has been checking her own work as well as providing consulting and expert witness testimony opinion on the work of others since 1994. Hoogerwerf has done math for various public and private clients with a range of math problems. After spending 20 years in school, Ms.Hoogerwerf joined Ipswich LLC in 2002 as a senior math advisor and consultant..

27A P R I L 2 0 1 2

For the past 17 years, the DCBA Grief has consistently asked the same

photographer, All Fours Photography, to shoot their most important photographs

of chairs - all kinds of chairs.

That’s right. When the DCBA Grief wants a memorable chair shot that will withstand the test of time and show its furniture in

the best light, the editors turn to All Fours Photography.

Have a seat, we’ll be right with you!

All Fours Photographywww.allfoursphoto.com

PHOTO ©2012 ALL FOURS PHOTOGRAPHY

Also:

Courthouse Profile: Everyone’s Favorite Administrator, ZombieJohn Lapinksi 30 by Ted A. Donner or Sean McCumber*

IRS Update: Internal Revenue Commissioner Announces New Collection Program 32 by Terry Benshoof*

ISBA Update: Taking aMoment to Reflect:I Know How Much IMean to You 33 by Jim McCluskey*

Legal Aid Update: DCBA Gathers toCelebrate Law Day:Many Plaques to be Given to Attendees 34 by Brenda Carroll*

DCBA Update: Second Vice President Patrick Hurley to Appoint Committee Chairs 32

by Leslie Monahan

Features

Judicial Centerfold: Chief Judge Jack Elsner Delivers His First State of the Courthouse Address 36 29A P R I L 2 0 1 2

Courthouse Profile: Everyone’s Favorite Administrator,

“Zombie John” Lapinski

In just the few short years since former Chief Judge Stephen Culliton first appointed “Zombie John” Lapinksi as his

courthouse administrator, there have been a number of significant changes at the courthouse. A licensed attorney and a member of the living dead, Lapinski brings a unique perspective to the position which has served him well these last three years. Now, working with new Chief Judge John Elsner, he is quickly learning that, while his title may still be the same, his day-to-day responsibilities have gotten more substantial.

“With Judge Culliton, there was a bit too much formality,” Lapinski said. “I need a certain amount of order in my life, to be sure, and I was certainly fond of Judge Culliton, don’t get me wrong. I never gnawed on his shoulder or anything like that. Everything was fine, even after the incident. Still, as much as I liked working with Judge Culliton, it was more difficult to stay focused in those days. I think maybe Judge Elsner just has a better sense of how to work with folks like me.”

The job of Courthouse Administrator has not been easy, at least historically. In fact, the distractions Lapinski has to contend with in his job were obvious during the course of our interview. In the first ten

minutes, before the recorder was even turned on, he took calls from Judge Paul Fullerton (the monitors on

his computer were acting funny), DCBA Executive Director Leslie Monahan (someone had once again swiped Judge Demling’s donut from the ARC), and Judge Rod Equi (who needed good seats to a comedy for Saturday night).

“This is the kind of thing that used to really get under my skin,” Lapinski said, rubbing at the scars on his neck in a way that made this reporter just a little uncomfortable. “Now, all I have to do is answer the call, sound agreeable -- not grunt too much -- and fill out a

requisition form and pass it on to Mary Jo. She does something with them, I don’t know what. But that doesn’t GRRRRNNNNHHH.... doesn’t RARRRGH matter. What’s important is that the judges all know there’s a process in place, and that if they don’t get what they’re asking for in a few days then all they have to do is stop in to talk to me. No one’s come by with a ROOOWWWWRRRR complaint in months.”

Lapinski wasn’t always a zombie and it has been, for him, something of a touchy subject -- something he hasn’t wanted to talk about since that fateful day when he first rose from the dead during a judge’s meeting

By Ted A. Donner or Sean McCumber*

30 D c b A G R I e f

Courthouse Administrator “Zombie Joe Lapinski” talks with one DCBA member at a recent Bar Association event.

in October, 2010. “I fi gured I’d just fallen asleep like I always do,” he told us in an unusually spontaneous outburst of vulnerability. “I had no idea what had just happened. I looked up and there was Judge Hollis Webster. She and Judge Ken Popejoy were standing there, a few feet back, just staring at me. Someone said something about Judge Richard Russo, who had just been appointed, I think.Maybe he fainted. I heard someone screaming, ‘what was he doing?’ and ‘how could he?’ and then I blacked out. When I came to, it was something like two weeks later and I was in a... URRRRGHHH... well, it was... GRRRRRR. ROWRRRR. It was a very dark place.”

It is no secret that Judge Culliton hesitated in returning Lapinski to work once it was clear he had joined the walking dead and might be just as inclined to eat Judge Culliton’s right hand as serve in that capacity. Culliton and Lapinski had developed a strong, enduring friendship when they were both human, however, so it was not long before Lapinski was back at his desk, fielding questions, drawing diagrams, and doing whatever else it is that Courthouse Administrators do in the Eighteenth Judicial Circuit. “Th e job got to be much easier,” Lapinski explained, “once people realized I might literally chew their head off if they did anything to disturb the Chief Judge. I think these AAAAGGGGRWUGH developments, in that respect, have proven to be a positive.”

What was more surprising for Lapinski, however, was how much

more things improved once Judge Elsner was sworn in as Chief Judge. “Th ere was a palpable change in how things were going to get done around here,” Lapisnki said. “You could sense it within minutes after he walked into the room to take the oath. He’s a much taller man than people think he is and the new chain mail was surprising, but it seemed to command a lot of respect. I remember JusticeBob Th omas, who seemed a little nervous, I thought, announcing we had a new Chief Judge. Judge Elsner was bowed down in front of him, his robe draped over his shoulder, holding that sword of

his up for Justice Th omas to use in the coronation and the room was just deadly silent.” Lapinski has a deep-throated, unsettling laugh. “Judge Elsner stood up when it was all over,” he said. “I’ll remember that day for the rest of my life. He turned to the crowd, as Judge Ron Sutter played this really loud piece in the background, and he growled under his breath. Th en he swung his broadsword over his head, laughed, and walked to the door. ‘You need something from the Chief Judge’s offi ce,’ he bellowed on the way out, ‘Talk to Zombie John.’ I knew right then we were going to get along just fi ne.” □

31A P R I L 2 0 1 2

IRS Update

By Terry Benshoof*

Internal Revenue Commissioner Announces New Collection Program

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Washington. The Internal Revenue Service today a n n o u n c e d i t s n e w

Revenue Collection Program, to be headed by newly-appointed Deputy Commissioner Dominic Corleone. Mr. Corleone has extensive experience in collection of debt, with service to government and for-profi t organizations.

The new program is designed to speed up tax collection, especially with respect to delinquent taxes. “Current law allows taxpayers to delay payments almost indefi nitely, as the result of too many built-in protections which thwart the Service’s eff orts,” said Corleone. “In these times of growing national debt, and increasing defi cits, it becomes important for the Federal Government to quickly bring in needed revenue, as it becomes due. To make the new process more palatable

to Congress, especially those members worried about spending issues, the plan incorporates elements of reduced Federal spending with enhanced revenue receipts.”

Under the new program, prison system inmates will be released and provided jobs in the Collections Department, with full salaries, benefi ts, union membership, and results- based commissions. Eligible inmates are those with less than ten years remaining on sentences for strong-arm robbery, extortion, and similar convictions. Th e prison system savings, coupled with the enhanced tax collections, will provide greatly needed added revenue to the Federal “bottom-line.”

As presently envisioned, teams of three would include a driver and two Revenue Enhancement Agents. Each team would call upon taxpayers who have in excess of $1000 in tax liability

and more than 60 days delinquent in payment. Each team will have undergone extensive training in what the service is calling “enhanced counseling techniques” before entering the fi eld.

Th e goal of this outreach program is to counsel tax payers on the importance of revenue to continued government programs while appealing to each taxpayer’s sense of patriotic duty. It is anticipated that the visits will take less than 30 minutes of the taxpayer’s busy schedule. This will allow the teams to opportunity to visit numerous taxpayers each day or evening. It is not anticipated that more than one visit per taxpayer will be required, but if so, an additional Enhancement Agent will accompany the team, to provide extra instruction.

“Failure of this new program is not an option,” said Corleone. □

DCBA Update

Second Vice President PatrickHurley to Appoint Committee Chairs; Th at’s All I’ve GotBy Leslie Monahan*p

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Second Vice President Patrick B. Hurley is due to announce his Committee Chair appoint-

ments any day now. Th ese Chairs will serve during Pat’s tenure as

Bar President in 2013-2014 and as Vice-Chairs on their various com-mittees during First Vice President Sharon Mulyk’s term starting in the fall of 2012. We here at the bar

center are all eagerly anticipating Pat’s choices. Lesson learned: If you want something to write about, find out the chair names before announcing their appointment. □

32 D c b A G R I e f

Taking a Moment to Reflect: I Know How Much I Mean to YouBy James F. McCluskey*

ISBA Update

McCluskey here with your monthly recap of all things ISBA. But

first, I want to take a moment to tell you that we here at the DCBA Grief know just how valuable this monthly feature is to all you DCBA members. My sources tell me a recent, yet to be released, private DCBA member poll revealed that DCBA members believe the ISBA Update is their most valuable mem-ber benefit.

I am proud to be the DCBA-ISBA liaison and want the esteemed DCBA membership to know that I take on this monthly-ish feature with the utmost dedication and regard for the continued relation-ship between these two highly respected sister organizations. After all, we have so much in common. For example, most DCBA mem-bers are also ISBA members, most DCBA members receive the ISBA magazine each month, most DCBA members attend ISBA events from time to time, most DCBA members receive the ISBA newsletters and most DCBA members receive email announcements of ISBA events. Since we share so many of the same interests, it only seems natural that keeping the DCBA members ap-prised of the important events in the ISBA ranks high in the DCBA

member’s priorities. I’d like to personally thank all

those who took the time to answer the survey. Cocktails, my place, Saturday.

Recently, the Board of Directors of the Illinois State Bar Association held a meeting at the Ritz Carlton in Chicago. It was reported that a complete renovation of the Chi-cago Regional Office of the ISBA, otherwise known as the “CRO”, has been completed. In true ISBA fashion, the committee in charge of the renovation project exemplified the ISBA’s commitment to excel-lence. Second Vice President Paula Holderman did a tremendous job of renovating the tired, outdated space.

President John Locallo, First Vice President John Thies, Second Vice President Paula Holderman also contributed by tirelessly look-ing over the plans to ensure the ISBA had facilities befitting the quality of its membership. Finally, I am told that our own DuPage County son, Third Vice President Richard D. Felice, was absolutely indispensible as Chair of the up-holstery committee. It seems this is just another example of the deep bond between the DCBA and ISBA as I am told many of the DCBA members have also have upholstery.

At the gala opening of the newly renovated CRO, ISBA Executive Director Bob Craighead and ISBA CPA, Doug Barringer, announced the ISBA Austerity Program, a pledge to further the ISBA’s com-mitment to sound, fiscal values. While technically the program becomes effective immediately, various vendor commitments pre-vent the program from beginning in earnest until 2014 coinciding with the term of current Third Vice President, Richard Felice.

Unphased by the new budget constraints, I understand Mr. Felice has already put together his plan-ning committee which announced Felice will personally subsidize the event budget. “While the ISBA pre-approved venders, Russell’s Bar-B-Que and Johnny’s Beef in Elmwood Park are both fine establishments, I plan to host my installation at Por-tillo’s” Felice said. Yet, more proof of the kindred connection between the DCBA and ISBA as I am told many DCBA members also eat at Portillos. □

This is usually the space in each article where the bios go if the various “Update” authors follow the word count guidelines we give them. Maybe next time they’ll listen. Terry Benshoof is a lawyer, Jim Mcclusky is a lawyer and Leslie Monahan is the DCBA Executive Director.

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33A P R I L 2 0 1 2

Legal Aid Update

DCBA Gathers to Celebrate Law Day; Many Plaques to Be Given to AttendeesBy Brenda Carroll*

On May 3, 2012, the DCBA will gather to celebrate Law Day. This year a bunch of

the old guard, some of the new guard, and whatever judges we can muster up, fork over cold hard cash for some fairly decent food and gather together. Law Day is an annual event when members gather to celebrate, well, the law. Technically Law Day is a day in which we all get together for an event which sounds pretty self explanatory. We seem to be celebrating the rule of Law, or Laws in general, or the fact that we are lawyers, former lawyers, legal professionals, have law related gigs or work in professions even remotely connected to the law.

The best authority on Law Day is the Law Day Chair (hereinafter “LD Chair”). Ask Art Rummler, or anyone who’s ever held the post, what the fuss is about and with Pavlovian-esque accuracy they respond “Law Day was established in 1958, by presidential proclamation and reaffirmed by joint resolution in Congress in 1961. Law Day is annually celebrated on May 1 as a ‘special day of celebration by the American people in appreciation of their liberties and to provide an occasion for rededication of the ideals of equity and justice under the laws.’”

Each year the ABA band gets together and sets the theme for

the entire country. The theme, in theory, is one each bar association should take and build their festivities around. What isn’t clear from the Law Day promotional material passed around for months prior is what the theme means or what exactly bar associations are supposed to do with it. So this last year the dedicated and ever diligent DCBA blindly and boldly placed the theme on all the event flyers, and figured it all out later. Awards go to any Law Day chair who can manage to get the keynote speaker to make any tangential reference to the theme. All DCBA Board members, officers, members and staffers are required to make at least one reference. Kudos to Jim Reichardt who spoke in 2011 on behalf of the Legal Aid Foundation and managed to artfully work the “John Adams” theme into his presentation “Speaking of Legal Aid, you know who aided our country? John Adams” Watch carefully and you will see the annual Board of Directors Law Day drinking game in full swing.

Most of what happens on Law Day is the giving of Legal Aid awards. Why? No one is really sure but it seems as good a time as any. Took on a pro bono case? You get an award! Helped plan something? You get an award too! You showed up? Award! Not that ticket sales are ever a problem but our award program

sure doesn’t hurt. Each Law Day, about 90% of attendees receive an award. With averages like that, we can sure pack the house, but don’t worry about booking early. If you’re receiving an award, you’ll receive a call from a DCBA Staff member sometime in April. Hint, when you are asked : “You ARE coming to Law Day, AREN’T you?”, the response should be “why yes, I was just about to call you.” If all else fails and you forgot to buy a ticket, just blame it on the DCBA website.

Since this column covers Legal Aid, I would be remiss if I forgot to mention the newest legal aid program, the recently created open bar subsidy program. This program helps subsidize the cash bar bill of many of our members, spreading the expense over all the attendees makes each event more affordable and accessible to everyone. We are “Legal Aid” after all. So it’s particularly fitting that this year’s theme “No Courts, No Justice, No Freedom,” is about the importance of access to the court system, a pressing problem in light of the budget cuts going on throughout this country. This new program is just a small way we can all give back because access to the judicial system and the judiciary should not be limited to just those who can afford it. □

34 D c b A G R I e f

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Pre-Death Estate Sale All inventory must go. Very, very, very important and prominent attorney, past DCBA president, past CBA civil law committee member, past ISBA Third Vice Presidential candidate and DCBA Brief author and most esteemed member of the Bar wishes to lighten his load. All inventory must go. Wheaton residence, 11 vintage autos, one downtown condo, 2 luxury lake homes, 2 log cabins, 10 electric arcade games, 2 Florida mansions and much more!!! Payment in advance required. Small bills in unmarked denominations or gold. All inquiries directed to pasteverything@dcba.org.

Help WantedWheaton business valuation fi rm seeks experienced professional. Minimum of 40 hours per week with potential for full-time. Good addition and subtraction skills a must, some long division may be required. Prior experience with the math team or college-level math required. Profi ciency with an adding machine preferred. Confi -dentiality assured. To apply, send SAT scores to numbersaresexy@yahoo.com.

Computers For Sale 10 offi ce computers, fully loaded and installed with Microsoft Windows 95. Monitors, keyboards, mice, and porn included. $10 each or 10 for $100. vinnie@ardc.disbarred.com

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Lawyers, Lawyers, Lawyers.PI, IT, IP, SA or PD? If they have a JD, we got ‘em! New and gen-tly reused. All kinds. DuPage County’s largest supplier. Seller 100% positive feedback. Ships to anywhere in the United States. PayPal and barter accepted. Economy and expedited ship-ping available. Seven day money back guarantee, buyer pays return shipping.

Typewriters For Sale Multiple antique typewriters. All in mint condition, fully functional and restored. Running out of room and must go; any reasonable offer excepted. Will consider trade for vintage Bennigans tchotchkes. Send e-mails to; g.sotos@yahoo.com

Uniforms Wanted Vintage wrestling uniforms from the ‘60s and ‘70s. Any brand or style will be considered.Please e-mail pictures to bmil ler@DuPageco.com.

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35A P R I L 2 0 1 2

Than

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the S

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What

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to tel

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DCBA GRIEF April 2012 Judicial Centerfold: Chief Judge John “Jack” Elsner20

12 S

tate

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ddre

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Than

k yo

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, for

givin

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o ma

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st pr

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tation

, as

your

new C

hief

Judge

, to

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ember

s of

the

Bar

Assoc

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. La

dies

and G

entlem

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just

wa

nt to

report

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, in

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inion,

the S

tate

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thouse

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rong.

I’ll s

pare y

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detai

ls.

What

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e’re

doing

and

what

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ident

from

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No,

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nd ge

ntlem

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over

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top, h

eavy

duty

WMD,

gun

s and

six-pa

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Nuff

said,

-Jack

Phot

o by

Jeffr

ey R

oss

©20

11