Eliminate Strained Relationships

How to Work through Relationships Confidently &

Effectively

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This is your brain

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This is yourbrain during a

crucialconversation.

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The Solution: Dialogue™

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Dialogue: Free Flow of Meaning

When facing high stakes, opposing opinions, and strong emotions, influential people:

• Frankly and honestly share ideas, opinions, and feelings.

• Give up the goal of convincing and controlling.

• Take responsibility for contributing to a pool of shared meaning.

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Law of Crucial Conversations

Anytime you find yourself stuck, there are crucial

conversations keeping you there. Identify the crucial conversations you are not holding or not holding well,

and get better at everything.

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“The measure of success is not whether you have a tough problem to deal with, but whether it is the same problem you had last year.”

John Foster Dulles

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Where are YOU stuck?

When it comes to your organization, where are you stuck?

• What do people gripe about?• What do they complain about – at

work and after they leave to go home?

• What are the problems people are still trying to fix?

• Identify one crucial conversation that needs to happen.

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Start with Mutual Purpose and Mutual Respect

The conditions of safetyTo keep the pool of meaning large and wide CREATE Mutual Purpose: search for common needs

and interestsDo others believe I care about their goals in the

conversation?Do they trust my motives?

You must care enough about the other’s needs to be willing to create a new mutual purpose – a win-win

Ask yourself– What do I want for myself?– What do I want for others?– What do I want for our relationship?

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Domains of Conflict

personal

purpose

process people

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In long lasting high stakes conversations you need to learn the art of win-win

assertiveness

cooperativeness

compromise

competing

avoid accommodate

Collaboration

Win Win

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Mutual Respect

If there is disrespect your conversation looses it’s purpose. People start to defend and protect themselves.

SignsEmotional behavior, defending, fear

and anger, accusations, getting offended, debate or surrender

If you don’t care for the other person, respect their humanity

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Tools and Tips

• STATE– State the facts– Tell your story (interpretation)– Ask for the other’s story

– How• Tentatively• Encourage Testing

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Tools and Tips

• List of interests, needs, wants. Meet together to compare. Focus on the common ground.

• Assessments of style – communication preference workshop

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Tools & Tips – Giving Feedback1. Plan – gather facts2. Ask for permission3. Set a favorable time, location4. No distractions5. Full attention6. Listen to learn7. Set the tone8. Focus on specifics9. Relay impact10. Show appreciation, say thank you11. Be a camera12. Agree on outcomes and timelines for

improvement13. Re-evaluate14. Look for the win - win

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Tools & Tips - Receiving Feedback

1. Ask for it 2. Be vulnerable3. View feedback as a gift4. Check your anger and defensiveness5. Pay attention6. Ask for feed forward – one thing

you can do to improve7. Take time to take it in – hold your

reaction – wonder8. Thankful for honesty

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Executive Leaders Need To Improve

1. Developing direct reports67%2. Motivating others 53%3. Giving tough feedback 63%4. Building teams 54%5. Informing Others 61%

source, Center for Creative Leadership

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McKinsey Company Study

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Leadership Enhancers

• Early exposure, develop sponsors, big opportunities, visibility

• Tough assignments, action learning• Global, diversity• Depth, departments, services,

project types• Breadth, many types of problem

solving• Failure & rebound

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Leader Derailers

• Does not build or leverage peer relationships, not a team player

• Cannot execute through others, does not develop other leaders

• Stops growing, not open to feedback and lacks introspection

• Ego gets in the way, being right and going it alone

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LeaderLevels of Success & Failure

Failures result from not shifting values

1. Individual contributor to managing others 2. Managing others to managing project

managers3. Managing others to managing functions4. Managing functions to business

management5. Managing business to managing a group6. Managing a group to managing an

enterprise

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Apply what you’ve learned

• Given your crucial conversation, what are your next steps?