#185: My friend is obsessed with someone who barely knows sheexists.PostedbyJenniferPonFebruary 6, 2012inFriendship,How Not To Be,how to say no,Manners,Mental Health,Overthinking It,Reader Questions,rejection,saying no

Not a role model.Hi Captain.I have a friend who has become obsessed with a man who has never even spoken to her (no, the friend is not me). She has spent hours and hours ruminating about this man, to the point that I am concerned how she has let this seriously affect her life.It happened like this: she first encountered him at work. He moved aside to let her pass through a doorway, their eyes met, and she felt that they had some sort of intense connection, that affected her. By her account, he seemed to be responding to her, too, and just looked sort of stunned. She seldom dealt with the higher ups, but this man turned out to be the boss of the large business, which she did not know at the time ! She was injured at work soon after, and went into a retraining program, so she no longer works there, but remains friends with some of her former co-workers.She did have a couple of odd incidents where she encountered him once in a mall, and another time right on her street(though he was in the area working with his crew). She described him as looking sort of shocked to see her, and that he kept staring at her. She described these incidents as very intense, and felt that he was feeling this, too. However he never even said hello to her !She was going through some hard stuff in her life, so I wanted to cut her some slack, but this man became the focus of many of our conversations. She announced to the man that she is living with that she had fallen in love with somebody, and began to end their relationship. Her boyfriend of 10 years+ was hurt and surprised, and tried to make a greater effort towards their relationship. He did not move out, even though she was talking to all her friends about how the relationship was over for her.Through her friends, Facebook, and the internet she began to gather information about the subject of her obsession. She discovered that he was engaged, then got married, then had a baby with a significantly younger woman(who she also gathered information about). Her former co-workers had given her some basic details about this guy, but had also become increasingly blunt in questioning why he would be interested in her, since he now has a young family( hint, hint). She continued to obsess about him even to the point of knowing what neighborhood he lives in. She wrote him an ambiguous note signed with her full name. I strongly urged her NOT to send this. Different friends encouraged her to send it, so she did(to his work), and not surprisingly never received a phone call, email or even a FB friend request. She continued to obsess and reads her own tarot cards constantly for any possible signs. She now feels that she could never go back to work at this large business, or even in that industry, since she now feels foolish about sending the note to him.I tried to be a supportive friend, as the other stuff that was going on with her was tough. I listened as much as I could, while also trying to be kind to her. I suggested that she dodged a bullet like what kind of engaged, married, then new father sort of guy would carry on an illicit romance anyway ? Answer: probably not a good one. I feel puzzled about how I should respond to this entire situation. I knew she was feeling pretty stressed and fragile about some heavy stuff that was happening in her family (terminal illness, addiction, property issues, difficult dynamics). On one hand a secret crush can be thrilling and amusing, escapist. On the other hand, I am concerned about how much this crush has affected some serious parts of her life. What is a good friend supposed to do here ?the ListenerHello Listener,We talk a lot about how to be supportive andnot derailour friends when they tell us stuff, BUT your letter is an object reminder that being a good friend does NOT mean you have to endlessly listen to your friends without ever disagreeing with them or raising concerns.Your friend is way over the line here. Like,Young Adultover the line (Synopsis: Charlize Theron plays a woman going through some personal crises who decides to move back to her hometown and wrest her high school sweetheart away from his happy marriage and new baby. It ends extremely awkwardly.)She did not write to me. You did. And my advice to you is simple: Stop listening to her talk about this dude. Do your part to stop enabling this obsession. A possible script:Friend, I know youre really invested in this guy, but from what youve told me I see no indication that he feels the same way, and Im worried that you are going to seriously cross a line in continuing these attentions.(Listen for a bit)Okay, I wanted to make my concerns known, and tell you that I will need to change the subject from now on when (this guy) comes up. Im not comfortable discussing him with you anymore.Then you change the subject.If she cant?You hang out less, or not at all.This is because you cant control what she will do or how she feels, but you can control how it affects you and how much you want to engage. If you guys are close enough that you feel like you can recommend counseling to her, as in I know it can be hard to let go of something like this, have you ever thought of talking to someone about it and really working through the feelings? then do so. Could lead to the Wait, do you think Im crazy? conversation, to which you say I think you are overly invested/having a disproportionate reaction to this particular thing and could use some help sorting it through.Simple doesnt mean easy, but I wish you luck.And heres a poem about being obsessed, which is something Im sure many Awkwardeers can relate to. Good news! It passes, eventually.

How can I deal with his obsession with football?

im going out with this guy for 3 months now, i love him but he is obsessed with football ! its his whole life.. he plays matches every week and in every match he gets badly injured and has collapsed twice before. its very serious! this is really hard on me seeing him get hurt all the time is their any way i can just deal with it ? also i feel like i am always second best to football...any ideas how i can just get over it !A reader,anonymous, writes (30 March 2008)be this passion will fade away in time or maybe he will name his daughter as his favourite football team. You're very young and you'll see in time how priorities can change. If you're worried about his health explain to him in a mild way, not controlling or imposing. For now I advise that you be understanding and if you can't see the beauty of his interest you can direct the conversations to other (common) matters of interest. At young age one tends to exaggerate and there is much to grow and develop and discover one's true interests... Best of luck in this... journey!

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