THE PENNSYLVANIA PUNCH BOWL

Editorial Staff

Volume LXXXIX Spring(ish) 2014 Issue Three

WARNING: Magazine May Be

Copyright Punch Bowl 2014. All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living, dead or living-dead, is purely coincidental.

Alright, SAC, we have to level with you. We’re not who you think we are. Since 1899, we at The Punch Bowl have tricked you into thinking that you’re funding an organization comprised of Penn’s best writers striving to create the funniest material possible. Wrong. The Punch Bowl is written by a team of depraved lunatics locked in the basement of Huntsman Hall. Funny thing about these psychopaths is that they have an insatiable craving for the taste of US currency. So, SAC, your funding is passed

straight from your generous coffers into the mouths of our vicious writers. Our printing is actually funded by proceeds from selling the organs of our freshman, to whom we extend our sincerest thanks. As for you, SAC, we would also like to thank you for blindly enabling us to keep our ravenous band of vicious writer-carnivores at bay, and allowing us to create a clean, well-edited student publication.

Dear TSA Molestation Survivors,

God, what a year it’s been! I managed to make sure Penn will keep investing in those deliciously profitable tobacco companies. I finally got rid of the travesty of charging students under $60,000 for tuition and fees — I mean, what is this a University or a kibbutz? And even some good news for you commoners, there’s apparently some new food establishment opening on campus that serves above average doughnuts and fried chicken. Isn’t that nice?

The only problem is now that spring’s coming, it’s going to become really difficult to avoid bumping into — eugh, even writing the word makes me gag — students. I mean, isn’t it enough that I have to let the filthy specimens into my home every fall? Sure, it’s hilarious to watch them act all grateful about some subpar hors d’oeuvres and fruit wrapped in plastic, but that’s hardly enough for having to tolerate the cretins touching my shoulder while they take pictures with me. Do you know what that flash does to my skin???

Unfortunately, my doctor tells me that decades of living in rooms freshly scrubbed by my portable entourage of Yemeni servants (if you need to ask why Yemeni, you’ve told me everything I need to know about you) has led to my immune system being particularly sensitive to the zoo of bacteria infesting this campus. Even more unfortunately, my doctor’s solution to this problem is for me to take a vacation to Locust Walk to expose myself to pathogen-ridden students. So this semester, I will be embarking on a special mission to integrate myself into the student populace. I will be doing so in disguise, giving me the side benefit of hearing all the wonderful things you must have to say about your fearless and beautiful supreme leader!

This will be the greatest ruse pulled since Amanda Bynes played a dude in She’s the Man,but with less potential for homoerotic complications. Obviously, I won’t reveal what my disguise will be (it’s totally not going to be a slutty nurse), but if you see someone with a glowing smile that seems out of place in an otherwise mediocre sea of students, just know that you may have been Gutted.

In other news, if I catch anyone talking shit about me behind my back, I’ll have them deported.

Toodles!

P.S. Forget all the silly Spring Fling rumors. It’s John Legend for all three acts. Enjoy!

2 THEPUNCHBOWL.NET

Editors-in-Chief:Monica Schechter ‘14Justin Starr ‘14Nikhil Menezes ‘15

Executive Editors:Julia Hurley ‘14Kira Simon ‘15

Managing Editors:Andres Gonzalez ‘15Jonathan Calles ‘16Meaghan Harding ‘16Myles Wolfe ‘16

Big Spoons:Hayley Brooks ‘14Emily Leven ‘14Dave Sharples ‘14Naomi Mae Shavin ‘14Conor Nickel ‘14Jamie Picano ‘14Daniela Bucay ‘15Suvadip Choudhury ‘15Miguel Davila ‘15 Laura Doherty ‘15Tarek Elsayed ‘15Rob Golden ‘15Hamza Qaiser ‘15Connor Ryan ‘15Theo Trampe ‘15Adam Cole ‘16Kishan Patel ‘16

Little Spoons:Gloria Huangpu ‘15Katie Sgarro ‘15Sam Anthony ‘16Zac Endter ‘16Anirudh Singh ‘16

Little Spoons (cont.):Matt Solowey ‘16Jaimie Zhang ‘16Bart Buurman ‘17Iman Charania ‘17Michael Coyne ‘17Mikaela Gilbert-Lurie ‘17Chris Haddad ‘17Chris Hatler ‘17Luke Hoban ‘17Ben Jiang ‘17Camille Jwo ‘17Matthew Kelemen ‘17Max Levy ‘17Leora Mincer ‘17Tiffany Pham ‘17Caitlyn Rand ‘17Rachel Rubin ‘17Jeffrey Silver ‘17Ariel Smith ‘17Sheida Takmil ‘17Miranda van Dijk ‘17James Wang ‘17

Double Secret Probation:Daniel Gelfarb ‘15Daniel Gillis ‘15Ben Behrend ‘16Noah Goldman ‘16

want to see your name on this page?

come to our meetings! Info can be found atthepunchbowl.net

THE PENNSYLVANIA PUNCH BOWL

Editorial Staff

Volume LXXXIX Spring(ish) 2014 Issue Three

Copyright Punch Bowl 2014. All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living, dead or living-dead, is purely coincidental.

straight from your generous coffers into the mouths of our vicious writers. Our printing is actually funded by proceeds from selling the organs of our freshman, to whom we extend our sincerest thanks. As for you, SAC, we would also like to thank you for blindly enabling us to keep our ravenous band of vicious writer-carnivores at bay, and allowing us to create a clean, well-edited student publication.

Dear TSA Molestation Survivors,

God, what a year it’s been! I managed to make sure Penn will keep investing in those deliciously profitable tobacco companies. I finally got rid of the travesty of charging students under $60,000 for tuition and fees — I mean, what is this a University or a kibbutz? And even some good news for you commoners, there’s apparently some new food establishment opening on campus that serves above average doughnuts and fried chicken. Isn’t that nice? The only problem is now that spring’s coming, it’s going to become really difficult to avoid bumping into — eugh, even writing the word makes me gag — students. I mean, isn’t it enough that I have to let the filthy specimens into my home every fall? Sure, it’s hilarious to watch them act all grateful about some subpar hors d’oeuvres and fruit wrapped in plastic, but that’s hardly enough for having to tolerate the cretins touching my shoulder while they take pictures with me. Do you know what that flash does to my skin???

Unfortunately, my doctor tells me that decades of living in rooms freshly scrubbed by my portable entourage of Yemeni servants (if you need to ask why Yemeni, you’ve told me everything I need to know about you) has led to my immune system being particularly sensitive to the zoo of bacteria infesting this campus. Even more unfortunately, my doctor’s solution to this problem is for me to take a vacation to Locust Walk to expose myself to pathogen-ridden students. So this semester, I will be embarking on a special mission to integrate myself into the student populace. I will be doing so in disguise, giving me the side benefit of hearing all the wonderful things you must have to say about your fearless and beautiful supreme leader!

This will be the greatest ruse pulled since Amanda Bynes played a dude in She’s the Man, but with less potential for homoerotic complications. Obviously, I won’t reveal what my disguise will be (it’s totally not going to be a slutty nurse), but if you see someone with a glowing smile that seems out of place in an otherwise mediocre sea of students, just know that you may have been Gutted.

In other news, if I catch anyone talking shit about me behind my back, I’ll have them deported.

Toodles!

P.S. Forget all the silly Spring Fling rumors. It’s John Legend for all three acts. Enjoy!

THEPUNCHBOWL.NET 3

Little Spoons (cont.):Matt Solowey ‘16Jaimie Zhang ‘16Bart Buurman ‘17Iman Charania ‘17Michael Coyne ‘17Mikaela Gilbert-Lurie ‘17Chris Haddad ‘17Chris Hatler ‘17Luke Hoban ‘17Ben Jiang ‘17Camille Jwo ‘17Matthew Kelemen ‘17Max Levy ‘17Leora Mincer ‘17Tiffany Pham ‘17Caitlyn Rand ‘17Rachel Rubin ‘17Jeffrey Silver ‘17Ariel Smith ‘17Sheida Takmil ‘17Miranda van Dijk ‘17James Wang ‘17

THE PENNSYLVANIA PUNCH BOWL4

Country Superlatives The votes are in, and we are proud to present the winners of the first annual International Superlative Competition. We apologize for the delay, the original votes indicated that North Korea had won every award, but as per Al Gore’s request, the recount yielded these results.

THE PENNSYLVANIA PUNCH BOWL

Country Superlatives The votes are in, and we are proud to present the winners of the first annual International Superlative Competition. We apologize for the delay, the original votes indicated that North Korea had won every award, but as per Al Gore’s request, the recount yielded these results.

THE PENNSYLVANIA PUNCH BOWL6 THEPUNCHBOWL.NET

You think you lucked out this time. You snagged space in the overhead compartment and you have the window seat to yourself. You look around: normal people. No screaming kids, no awkward conversations. And then you see him. He’s late for boarding and huff-ing and puffing up the aisle. Your heart fills with dread. He somehow manages to put his bags in the overhead compartment, removes his girdle, and the following conversation occurs:

Him: Do you mind if I take off my socks? I just sprinted to the plane. I also had hard-boiled eggs and tuna fish this morning. But right now I’m feeling fine.

You: Wait, what the fu—Him: Do you have some time to learn about our lords and saviors in the Hindu faith?You: This is a seven hour flight. I guess?Him: Can we snuggle while I tell you? Do you want to see my two-person Snuggie?You: I think it would be best to stay in our own seats...Him: I promise you’ll like it. Just give it a chance. By the way, do you mind holding my thermometer while I go get something? Just make sure you hold it by the base. Here, hold my phone as well. Hey look! We match on Airplane Tindr!You: I don’t use that app. I

haven’t even heard of it…Him: Oh, it’s okay. I made one for you weeks ago. But there’s still some stuff left unanswered. Do you mind answering a few questions:

1. Did you know Obama is a terrorist?2. Why do you smell like my mom?3. Do you believe in ghosts?4. Can I touch your hair?5. Do you Belieb or do you not Belieb?

You: Wait, how about I ask you a question? Him: No...You: Do you know how much force it takes to smash through an airplane window? No? Let’s find out!

New GPS Personalities

THE PENNSYLVANIA PUNCH BOWL THEPUNCHBOWL.NET 7

haven’t even heard of it…Him: Oh, it’s okay. I made one for you weeks ago. But there’s still some stuff left unanswered. Do you mind answering a few questions:

1. Did you know Obama is a terrorist?2. Why do you smell like my mom?3. Do you believe in ghosts?4. Can I touch your hair?5. Do you Belieb or do you not Belieb?

You: Wait, how about I ask you a question? Him: No...You: Do you know how much force it takes to smash through an airplane window? No? Let’s find out!

Flying TipsIf you want to take a turn fly-ing the plane, just bang loudly on the cockpit door and don’t let anybody subdue you.

If you’re in the exit row, open the emergency exit door mid-flight to prove your worthi-ness and courage!

Give your fellow passengers a fun obstacle course by stick-ing your legs out as far as possible into the aisle.

Be thoughtful of other passengers and offer them a smoke too.

Headphones can dangerously prevent your ears from pop-ping, which will cause your head to explode. It’s easier to just play your music out loud.

If you’re sitting in a middle seat be sure to use both armrests so that the passen-gers next to you don’t feel like you’re choosing favorites.

If the person in front of you is trying to sleep, give them a massage by kicking the back of their chair.

During take-off, flapping your arms is encouraged to help generate lift forces and ensure a smooth ascent.

If you happen to see a pilot in the airport bar before your flight, be sure to buy him a drink to show how much you appreciate his service!

Be sure to reveal your firearm to other passengers, so that they know they’re safe if they sit by you.

the cruise ship the familyroad trip

the snowboard the airplane

the new jerseytransit

the amy gutmann’shelicopter

pineapple juicewashed-up entertainers

neck sweat from the obese person before you in the all-you-can-eat buffet line

tequila in a nantucket nectars

bottle

passive aggression

marijuana leaf

smirnoff ice

red bull

handful of skittles

3.4 oz vodka

emergen-c

1% pantsuit1% shredded up dollar bills

98% ben franklin’s oldest bottle of champagne

dash of spray tanspritz of hairspray

vodka

tonic

transportation cocktails