I do not know how long I would live with my eating disorder, a day, a week, a month or a year, but I know that at June 19, I was born again. From 3 years I separate the happiness of the life, the course was my eating disorder. People do not do it, do not look for the ideal, it does not exist. When I was 15 and saw some pictures (my pictures), I began to hate my body, my shapes. When you watch movies and you look at celebrities’ figures, you understood that you are far away from their level, but it is not the essential reason of my eating disorder. Moreover, other people said that I put on weight and I did not look better. It is accelerate the entering of eating disorder in my life. Then I become anorexic, I remember that I drink hot water, when I say hot water I mean that boiling water, 100 degree. All what I want was to eat, to eat and to eat. I starve myself, I did not eat 5 days then I ate an apple. So munch, in my mind came such an idea. In one month, I lost 10 kilos. It was in summer vacation. When I go at school, I could not study and I become a compulsive eater. I gain seven or 8 kilos then I again hate my body, my curves and my healthy figure. I put myself on a diet and lose 2 or 3 kilos. I might be happy, because 55 kilos at 170 cm is a healthy weight. Then I saw that my weight become constant .In this situation I again hate my body. I become again anorexic; it was easier than in the first time. It was at the time when I went to school, it mean that I did not care about my progress in studying. I lost 7 kilos and I understood that it is impossible to live in such a way. Then I ate once a day and gain weight and again hate my body. I found a solution: BULIMIA. It is the darkest period of my life at 17 years to be bulimic it is scary, at 17 years to die from a heart attack it is twice scary. During this period of my life, I read so many books about bulimia, anorexia and eating disorder. In my library was such books like Allen Karen, Justine, and Marya Hornbacher. Justine’s book I read in a day, I finished it at 4 a.m., and near books, I watched so many movies about eating disorders. Why I become bulimic? My life was something like studying, studying and again studying. I sacrifice with all happiness to achieve my goals. I forgot what mean weekends, vacations; I slept only 4 hours a day, I was exhausted. A 2 years I live in such a way and one day I broke up. I remember I did not speak with my parents; I merely have not time for this. I become bulimic. My life was something like studying, eating, purging, studying, eating, purging. I thought that when I am eating I lose my time that why I do it only once a day, I was upset that I hadn’t time to study a new language, I hadn’t time to read what I want, I hadn’t time to make some courses online, I hadn’t time to study quantum physics or something in medicine. I was upset. I was bulimic 6 months, the most horrible months in my life. I was conscious that it is illness, it is not normal and it could kill you. During those months, I weighted 44 kilos. When I was at a wedding all waiters proposed me another piece of cake, and I told: No thanks, I have, and showed them my

untouched piece of cake. I liked it, I liked my bones, I liked how I look, I was unhealthy, and I was perfect (I thought so). Then at June 19, a close person died. It was the beginning of my recovery. First day was easy because there are days when I didn’t do it second day was difficult. When I was bulimic I tough my body to eat only once a day and second day I eat once and I was full and I was like a crazy girl, I was thinking about purging, I was thinking about my bathroom. Nevertheless, I said that I wouldn’t do it for this person who died. And I didn’t do it, I thought that so many persons fight for their lives, but I who had health (when I said had it mean that I was healthy, when I was bulimic my pulse was 48-49 my oxygenation was 90, I was dying, day by day I was nearer to death), have such a behavior. Another thought was understanding that in a day bulimia will kill me and then? Nobody wouldn’t know about my illness, but if I struggle with this mental illness ALONE, I will tell my story to the whole world and demonstrate that it is possible to recover if you really want. I was thinking about my next fight with fashion industry. I was thinking that it is a chance to leave a fingerprint in the world’s history. I read so many things about eating disorder that for me to pass an exam in this sphere will be easy. The most difficult thing for me, in my recovery, was to fight with different kind of stresses. It was the most difficult part, in my mind come such ideas to go and eat and then purge, but I said no. It helped.

I think that the most important thing that change my mind was the death of this person. The woman who died give me another chance to live. What give me anorexia and bulimia is power, first I demonstrate to myself that my body, my mind have the necessary potency to achieve all my goals. (Recover was my goal, I did it ALONE, I was alone with my feelings, my emotions) I don’t know if it is normal to eat only once a day, but the whole life I eat only twice (it is another story), but now I have so many snacks and I drink a lot of water. These is my story of eating disorder, of course I didn’t tell the whole story from my childhood. I didn’t say from what country I am, my parents’ material state, my relation with family, my school achievements, my goals. It is strange but in those days of recovery, I cried a lot. Some days was happy, some sad.

For me eating disorder is a gift of self-discovery. Anorexia and bulimia give me possibility to choose what kind food to eat, in what quantities; I learn again how to eat. Eating disorder give me potency, first it demonstrate to me that my body, my brain have necessary power to overcome all difficulties. That it is not important what kind of goals I have; I will do all possible to achieve them. I overcome it alone, I am so proud of myself. I think that we are strong enough to overcome those eating disorders. Fight and that is all.

P.S.: When I began my self-recovery, I made videos, where I put myself on the scale first day, second and I told about my feelings and I made videos after and before eating and at the beginning I was a little crazy. By the way, it is visible that I am really recover because the behavior in first video is not the same like in the last one. Honestly, I would like to tell the whole history in front of people who fight with those illnesses, I would like to help them, I think that not all people would say that they recover alone that is way I want to tell my story. Thank you and sorry for mistakes, I am not from an English speaking country.