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E13.

College Applications: TheImportance of Managing the“Helping” ParentKatherine L. Stone, PhD & Laura Bonzo-Sims, EdD

Parenting Paradox / Lexington, KY

Parenting Paradox: Mission

Parenting Paradox’s mission is to help parents foster the skills their

chi ldren need to successfully navigate their own paths to adulthood.

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Parenting Paradox: Method

Through personally-conducted interviews and a nationwide survey

given to 18-20+ year olds who are successfully pursuing their goals, we

asked what the adults in their lives did (or didn’ t do) to help cultivate

the success they are experiencing today. Using student voices as a

springboard for our expertise, we offer parents suggestions that are

practical and practiced.

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From our

“Experts”“M y parents offered a lot of advice about what they thought would

look most successful and ignored m y wishes. This stressed me out

more than i t helped, affecting m y overall out look about the college

experience.”

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From our “Experts”

• When a student didn' t get into one of the schools their parent thought

they should, the parent panicked and called the school to f ind out why

they didn' t get in. I t made the sting of the ini t ia l rejection that much

worse for the student.

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From our “Experts”

The student feels a lot of pressure when the parent only values the

over ly selective/Ivy League schools. The student doesn’t have to be at

a Harvard or Stanford to thrive. The students makes the school, the

school doesn’t make the student.

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From our “Experts”

• It’s alright for parents and students to have a certain level of anxiety

dur ing the process. The decision is an impor tant one and an

appropriate level of anxiety shows you care. However, i t becomes a

problem when the parents’ anxiety starts to overwhelm the student,

leading them to wor ry more than they have to.

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Parent Praise from our “Experts”

• “They did everything they could to make m y dreams come true.

I 'm very thankful for them in the process.”

• “They supported m y decision no matter what their preference

was.”

• “My f r iend was thankful for her dad’s help when she couldn’t

decide on a college. She loves her school.”

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Key Parent Contributions

• Tui t ion expectations

• Parent expectations f r o m a college

• Parent input on best f it , possible concerns or reservations (for parent

and/or student)

• Student’s special needs

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Key Counselor Contribution: Communication

• Plan - what is the t imel ine

• Process - what has to be done by parent and student

• Progress - what has been accomplished thus far

• Consider using group meetings, 1:1 meetings, emails, updates on

website, Naviance for educating and keeping famil ies in formed

(Samples provided)

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Parent Contributions Counselors Can Suggest

• Organize the travel fo r college visits

• Help wi th Fami ly Page on C ommon Appl icat ion/proofread applications

and essay fo r mistakes only, not fo r content

• Connect their chi ld wi th alumnae f r o m the schools where they applying

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Parenting Type #1: Anxious Parent

Anxious Parent Action

Starting in 9th grade, and sometimes earlier, kids are asked by many

adults about college and the future, including their parents. The k id

of an anxious parent avoids being alone wi th them because they

don’t want to talk about college or college deadlines or ACT prep,

etc., etc.

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Parenting Type #1: Anxious Parent

Result: Avoiding teen

• The teen stays clear any alone t ime wi th their parent because they

don’t want to talk about college or college deadlines or ACT prep,

etc., etc.

• They too begin to feel anxiety because they might not know what

they want to do “when they grow up”.

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Anxious Parent: Alternative Actions

Result: Avoiding teen

• Parents need to remember that in a short per iod of t ime, their chi ld

wi l l be off to college, so the t ime wi th them as high schoolers is

quickly coming to a close.

• There’s more to the chi ld than selecting a college. Talk about friends,

sports, current events, that day. Anything. Keeping and model ing

balance wi l l benefit all.

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Anxious Parent: Strategies for Counselors

When you notice the over ly engaged parent, ask the parent these 3

reflective questions:

● O n a scale of 1-10, 1 = not very involved, 10 = over the top involved

where they see themselves on the scale

● Where they th ink their chi ld sees them

● Where on the scale they th ink is healthy or they’d l ike to achieve

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Parenting Type #2: Lacks Self-Awareness

LSA Parent Action: Over ly involved

Eager to be part o f the process, this parent asks questions dur ing the

process that the teen should be asking. They can also be too

enthusiastic about any one school, or even get angry when their chi ld

ignores, discounts, or totally rejects their observations.

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Parenting Type #2: Lacks Self-Awareness

Result: Mute (when not eye roll ing) teen

• When parents get too excited about a certain school, this transfers the

process and focus to how the parent feels, leading to a teen who shuts

down and does not share their thoughts and feelings.

• The parent mantra should be, “It’s their journey. I ’m along to watch

and gently guide.”

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LSA Parent: Alternative Actions

• Parents should be cognizant of how impor tant i t was for them as a

teenager to seek their own ident i ty and independence.

• Reacting negatively when their chi ld isn’t enthusiastic about their

views can lead to the student not opening up later when parental

i nput is needed.

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LSA Parent: Alternative Actions

• Be patient wi th the teen, let them take the lead. Be available wi thout

hovering or dictating.

• Parents should t ry not to overwhelm them in the beginning wi th

well- intentioned, over the top show of emotion. Instead, they should

maintain a flat affect, stay neutral, just th ink Switzerland.

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LSA Parent: Strategies for Counselors

First meeting wi th teen and parent, have them discuss then wri te down:

• Expectations for each other dur ing the college search process related

to managing deadlines, discussing their school preferences, etc.

• Potential issues they could see f r o m one another

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LSA Parent: Strategies for Counselors

• Have them address an envelope (that you provide) to their home.

You wi l l mai l this to the fami ly in October of their senior year when

tensions rise.

• Agree on a buzz word they can each use when they feel boundary

offending or slacking behavior.

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Parenting Type #3: Competitive Parent

Competitive Parent Action:

Getting wrapped up in the US News & Wor ld Report o r in cocktail

party/car l ine comparisons or in the college application creep and

hype, this parent creates undue tension in an already stressful process.

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Parenting Type #3: Competitive Parent

Result: Defeated Student Syndrome

• Parents who l im i t their chi ld to those rankings wi l l lead to kids

missing out on some pret ty amazing schools that aren’t i n that Top 25

list.

• Stories about other students’ resumes and test scores, acceptances and

rejections can make parents feel their chi ld isn’t doing enough.

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Parenting Type #3: Competitive Parent

Result: Defeated Student Syndrome

• Parents who give advice to their teen about “how to get i n ” the best

schools send the message that i f they don’t get into one of these

schools, the parent wi l l be disappointed wi th them.

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Competitive Parent: Alternative Actions

• Parents need to work as a team wi th you, the counselor. Your

experience, training, and resources are valuable assets.

• Parents should ask questions to the college counselor to help you

separate m y t h f r o m truth.

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Competitive Parent: Strategies for Counselors

● Avoid having articles about school rankings in your office.

● Don’t share school rankings on your webpage and social media.

● Send parents an email describing the issues behind these

rankings.

● Educating your parents about the “behind the scenes” of these

rankings and putt ing their value in perspective is the best you

can do.

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Parenting Type #4: What-if Parent

Parent Action:

Some parents insist their chi ld apply to highly selective schools that

they may or may not be qualif ied for to “cast a wide net” or “just to

see because you never know,”adding t ime and stress to the student’s

already-ful l plate.

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Parenting Type #4: What-if Parent

Result: Annoyed, stressed out teen

• Adding these “just to see” schools to their application list means also

adding short answers, essays, and other application musts to the

student’s plate, causing stress and confl ict fo r both of you.

(Remember, their school work is still coming at them ful l speed

dur ing the application process.)

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Parenting Type #4: What-if Parent

Result: Annoyed, stressed out teen

• Applying to schools because they are on the Common App, or

because there’s no fee, or any other reason than best f i t can have

negative outcomes.

• W i t h your help and parental input, the student should select schools

that are a good f i t based on their interests and needs.

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What-if Parent: Alternative Actions

• Parents should allow you to help the teen evaluate a school, and then

let the teen guide the process. Independent th ink ing college students

are created by promot ing and support ing independence dur ing the

high school years.

• W i t h your help and the parent’s input, the teen should select schools

that are a good f i t based on their interests and needs.

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What-if Parent: Strategies for Counselors

• Have parents list skills they want their chi ld to have at age 25

(Hopefully, independence & problem-solv ing are on their list)

• Reference this list when you see the over-helping parent, asking i f

they are on track wi th the goals they have for their chi ld

(self-evaluation for parent and communicat ion tool for counselor)

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Parenting Type #5: Resume-Building Parent

Parent Action: Overscheduled teen

This resume-focused parent has had their k id involved in everything

since they were toddlers. As their child’s responsibilities increased,

their commitments didn’ t decrease.

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Parenting Type #5: Resume-Building Parent

Result: Panicking teen

● They t ry to complete their applications dur ing hol iday break,

creating tension for everyone in the family.

● Thei r stress and anxiety increase dur ing the break rather than

decrease.

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Resume-Building Parent: Alternative Actions

• Work ing wi th the counselor to set a schedule leads to getting the most

impor tant and/or t imely applications.

• After completing those, i f there are others to be completed, hol iday break

might be an option.

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Resume-Building Parent: Alternative Actions

• Using the break to enjoy friends and fami ly makes for happier home

environments. Teens need to learn more than academics while l iv ing

at home. Ensuring the teen has t ime to learn life skills along the way

is also important.

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Resume-Building Parent: Counselor Strategies

• Send parents concise, bulleted emails wi th t imel ines

• Have the student use an application calendar that both teen and parent have

access to

• Start early encouraging parents and kids to evaluate how scheduled they are.

• Educate parents about possible stresses and emotions they may feel and see

dur ing this process so they can be aware and proactive.

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Parenting Type #6: Protective Parent

Parent Action:

This parent wants to shield their chi ld f r o m disappointment by

t rying to min im ize or mit igate their child’s feelings when they get

rejected.

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Parenting Type #6: Protective Parent

Result: Fragile or angry teen

• Parents should not dismiss their child’s feelings. They need to listen

rather than t ry to “ f ix” . The fact is they got rejected, and no one likes

rejection.

• It’s okay for them to feel frustrated, upset, or angry. Let them feel

and work through those emotions.

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Protective Parent: Alternative Actions

• Be there to listen i f and when they want to talk.

• Avoid platitudes

• Be cautious about talking about other students’ admissions

• Don’ t act l ike nothing happened.

• Let them have their space dur ing that period.

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Protective Parent: Strategies for Counselors

● Provide parents wi th and model supportive empathetic comments

such as “ I know this is hard.” And ask “what, i f anything can I do for

you?”

● Before acceptance and rejection letters come out, hold a group

meeting for just parents to talk about what to expect and how to

handle rejection i f /when i t occurs. Invi te the school psychologist to

help you present.

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Protective Parent: Strategies for Counselors

● Send an email o r l ink to parents before decisions come in about

about appropriate responses to their child’s acceptance/rejection

(Sample for parents and for students provided)

● Help parents gain perspective and regulate their own distress. When

they show excessive emot ion about this, i t adds to the child’s stress.

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Protective Parent: Strategies for Counselors

● When parents call you after a rejection asking for guidance, remind

them that wi th time, this wi l l seem like a small disappointment in the

grand scheme of life.

● Remind the parent that the major i ty of students you see realize later

that they ended up at the r ight school.

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Helpful Phrases to Use with Stressed Out Parent

• “Wow, I can tell there’s a lot of stress r ight now. Tel l me more about

what’s going on.” Often when parents get a chance to verbalize the stress,

they recognize their own errors.

• “After all is said in done, when you look back at the application

process, how do you hope to see yourself handling their senior year. ”

This allows parents to get out of the moment and see the bigger picture

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Helpful Phrases to Use with Stressed Out Parent

• “So tell me, what do you th ink you’re doing well in support ing your

chi ld in this process and what’s one thing you might need better

balance with?”

This is a fun question to watch parents answer because most don’t stop to

analyze, they simply react. They typically like this question and you’ll get a

smile when they recognize when they are over-helping or over-emoting.

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Helping the Teen Talk to the Overwhelming Parent

• Discuss the pros and cons wi th them of talking to their parent

• Help the teen develop the words they’l l use and mon i to r their

approach using DEAR M A N

• Accept i f the teen refuses to confront their parent

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Helping the Teen Talk to the Overwhelming Parent

• Remain somewhat neutral on this or i t can appear you’re div id ing

parent and teen

• Fol low-up to see how the teen felt about talking wi th their parent

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DEAR MAN

• Describe the situation using facts

• Express your feelings and opinions clearly

• Assert by asking fo r what you want and need

• Reward people who respond positively to you

• Mindful ly keep your focus on your objectives

• Appear confident through voice tone and physical manner

• Negotiate and be wi l l ing to give to get

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