Dysfunctional Masculinity

Boys Will Be Boys(42 slides)

creatively complied by dr. michael farnworth

This lesson will be an attempt to explain how males are socialized to fit into this culture.

There will be several lessons to come that will follow the

same theme.

3 things men learn :

1. The sexual and selfish valuing of women: body beautiful, seduction, pornography and the domestic services provided.

2. No sissy stuff: weakness, feelings and family.

3. Money and position give meaning to life: career and influence

My assumptions about masculinity...

That men are victimized by this culture’s paradigm of masculinity.

A male’s innate worth is related to what money he makes or his success in his chosen occupation.

Many men do not fit into the stereotypical macho male roles of this society and are demeaned because of it.

When boys are abused…

The rates of abuse for males is high enough in our society to make it a very real and difficult issue to deal with.

Sexual abuse rates have been shown to be 1 in 7.

Abuse changes the brain’s neural synaptic patterns and personality of the victims.

Sexual abuse’s impact…

1. Gender distortion: boys who grow up doing a reaction formation against their hurt and venerable feelings. Boys who grow up questioning their sexual orientation.

2. Troubled relationships: boys who grow up and pass on the pain and anger of their history to spouse and off spring.

3. Intimacy issues: boys who grow up having deserted their inner kingdoms, who do not visit there often or even know of its existence and thus cannot share their inner life with another.

4. Addictions: boys who grow up and become addicted to sex, work, drugs, alcohol, money, power, control, perfection, etc.

Abuse robs boys of their identity…

Abuse is trauma and does violence to the soul.

Brain chemistry is changed and body sensitivity to threat is heightened.

The abuse represents a loss of child innocence and naivety.

Confusion, fear, distortion, disassociation, silence, shutting down are all common coping mechanisms.

Cultural concepts of masculinity

Masculinity is an elaborated code of learned conduct.

Masculinity is a rejection of femininity (the law of the excluded middle)

Masculinity is a public statement of performance thus creating a constant insecure state of competition and comparisons for males.

Growing up male

Males grow up with their identity rooted in their activity achievements and productivity which results in an under valuing and identification of others needs and an over valuing and identification of the needs of self.

Male are socialized to feel that their own needs are more important than others.

Dichotomized energies

Masculine: Brave Bold Daring Strong Decisive Aggressive Self-reliant Virile

Feminine Delicate Tender Quiet Modest Passive Soft Weak Fickle

Feelings and the bond of shame...

Boys grow up being shamed and made fun of for their tender, affectionate feelings:

Remember names like: Baby, Homo, Sissy, Fairy, Fem, Queer, Fag, Mommas' Boy?

Men and their energies...

Alexithymia: the shut down of emotions and energies so that a person is numb or dead to the passions of life.

Non-intimate males

Often men have trouble being intimate because they have disconnected themselves and are detached from their bodies.

There are two activities, though, that allow men to connect to their bodies that does not bring shame.

Do you know what are they? They both begin with the letter s.

(sex and sports)

The male mood...

Have you ever dated a moody male?

What is going on?

Feminine descriptions of the men in their lives...

He broods over everything.

He keeps his feelings to himself.

He’s a workaholic.

He’s in front of the TV for hours on end.

It’s like living with a caged animal.

Something’s always eating at him.

He can’t do anything for himself.

Males who have disconnected from themselves- early in childhood because of the modeling imperative and the survival behavior of enculturation engaging in addictive behaviors that

provides blessed relief from either the void of non feeling or the escape from a sense of pain and stress are left with a difficult

and tenuous dilemma.

How can they reclaim themselves and their intimate relationships against such odds?

Please Read:

Depression: The Hidden Epidemic

by Terrance Real

Depression is often considered a "female disease," since affected women reportedly outnumber men by four to one. Yet male depression may be more rampant than we realize.

Many men try to hide their condition, thinking it unmanly to act moody. And it works: National studies suggest that doctors miss the diagnosis in men a full 70% of the time. But male

depression also stays hidden because men tend to express depression differently than women do.Research shows that women usually internalize distress, while men externalize it.

Depressed women are more likely to talk about their problem and reach out for help; depressed men often have less tolerance for internal pain and turn to some action or substance for relief.

Male depression isn't as obvious as the defenses men use to run from it. I call this "covert depression." It has three major symptoms. First, men attempt to escape pain by overusing alcohol or drugs, working excessively or seeking extramarital affairs. They go into isolation, withdrawing

from loved ones. And they may lash out, becoming irritable or violent.

The causes of depression differ in men and women, as well. While depressed women often feel disempowered, depressed men feel disconnected, from their needs and from others. This begins

in childhood, as society teaches boys early on to pull away from their mothers, their emotions and their vulnerabilities.

Reconnection is key. Treatment first requires resolving the violent or self-medicating behaviors--the affair, the drinking, the workaholism so that the underlying condition can be grappled with.

But the ultimate cure lies in reestablishing connection. The ideal of male stoicism and the ensuing isolation lie at the root of male depression. Intimacy is its most lasting solution.

Since intimacy is the sharing of feelings and feelings are the basis of our emotional life the only way to awaken to the inner

kingdom is by feeling our feelings and staying connected to the felt sense of the body.

If not, we can only hope for role playing and inauthentic living.

Our feelings are the pathway back to our selves only they can teach us who we really are and what happened to us.

This learning that will come via our feelings which will be laced with sadness, grief and pain but until we are courageous enough

to feel that we won’t be feeling much else.

If the male considers this feeling stuff so much rubbish- then they are left to play out their life pretty much the same way that

got them to where they are in the first place.

Intellectualization is difficult to penetrate as an addictive state since it dismissed feelings so thoroughly.

The goal of awakening is the opening of our defended heart to compassion, suffering first with ourselves and then extending it to other people (once we have awakened to our own sense of woundedness).

This compassion will allow the healing powers of Life to come in

a way that our dishonesty and defenededness previously prevented.

Since our purpose in life is to learn by the things which we experience and suffer if we turn away from the lessons then we can never learn the importance of what we have experienced.

What sense does it make for us to come here and have experiences (that even though are hurtful) and then pretend like they

never occurred?

This is the nature of the disconnect from the body it is emotionally deadening and defeats the very purpose of our

living Life.

The process of reconnecting and reestablishing the union of body and spirit can be accomplished if one desires and seeks for

it.

It will eventually come as a gift and all we can do is prepare and desire to receive it.

You can start by paying attention to how you distract your self from your feelings and start honoring them by allowing them to

stay around awhile and maybe teach you something that you have been hiding from.

“Anxiety, pain, and sadness reflect an awakening; they are actually stirrings toward life.

These symptoms signal a crack in a person’s defense system.

Even abnormal states of depression, anxiety, and phobias can be sings of progress because they are symptomatic of a break in

one’s defenses.”

Robert Firestone, Psychological Defenses, p.214

I believe that reconnecting to the body may be one of the most important and instructive unions we men can make

As females , what have you learned so far, about the male ego?

What implications exist for the real man who is committed and sensitive to his partner...

Being whipped.

Being controlled by a women.

What his buddies will say.

Who should wear the pants in the family? And why?

Or as one little boy said to his father:

“You say that you are the boss but mom says that she is the boss…

I would like to see an organizational chart.”

What personality traits will make a man successful in this society?

What traits were or are you looking for in a husband?

At the Church Christmas Party by Carol Lynn Pearson

My little Johnny, who was three, climbed with lights in his eyes onto Santa's knee. “And what would you like this year, my boy? If I can I'll bring your favorite toy.”

Johnny didn’t even need time to think. “I want a dolly”, he said “that will eat and drink.” Twelve parents, at least, turned to look at me, and a big man said suspiciously,

“Next year he’ll want a dress or two.” I replied, “Its the father in him coming through.” “Well, that’s not what some folks would say. A kid’s characters built by the way he’ll play.”

My little Johnny, who was three, climbed with lights in his eyes from Santa's knee. And the big man grinned as he watched his son ask Santa Claus for a tank and gun.

Father versus provider???

Many of the personal traits of a warm, gentle, safe, loving, compassionate and involved father are not valued in the work place of modern America?

What agenda will be or is being played out in your home?

Incompetent men... At home!

There has been a long tradition in our culture of portraying men as stupid and incompetent on the home front.

What are some of the possible underlying motives of the portrayal if its not to reinforce the notion that men don’t need to be involved with feminine concerns.

There is a subtle reason behind our incompetence at home.

If we appear incompetent enough you will stop asking us to do things.

If you are a typical male...

You have explored career options in your mind since childhood.

You believe your worth as a male will be tied into your job and how much money you will make.

You take marriage and family as a given in your future which will pretty much take care of itself.

Careerism, H. Nibley

“From the moment a person starts treating his life as a career, worry is his constant companion.

Careerism results not only in constant anxiety, but also in an underdeveloped heart.

The careerist constantly betrays himself, since he must ignore idealistic, compassionate and courageous impulses that might jeopardize his career.

Get enough power and you can forget about things like feelings and conscience- what can anybody do to you?”

Patriarchy and Matriarchy

How would Jesus do our concept of masculinity?

Ignoring children

Seducing women

Being a big shot at work

Being emotionally shut down and guarded

Being proud, competitive, and always having to win

If you are a male how might have you been seduced by this culture?

And what impact might it have upon your future partner, children and home?

Read the lyrics to: “The Cat’s In The Cradle”

and think about your own father and the relationship you shared with him, the good and the bad.

My child arrived just the other day. He came to the world in the usual way, but there were planes to catch and bills to pay; he learned to walk while I was away. And he was talkin ‘fore I knew it, and as he grew he’d say, “I'm gonna be like you, dad, you know I'm gonna be like you.”

And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and man in the moon. When you comin home dad? I don’t know when... but we’ll get together then son, you know we’ll have a good time then.

Well my son turned ten just the other day. He said, “Thanks for the ball dad, come let’s play. Can you teach me to throw?” I said not today . I got a lot to do he said, “That's okay. And as he walked away, but his smile never dimmed and said, “I'm gonna be like him, yeah, you know I'm gonna be like him.”

And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon. When you comin home dad? I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then son, you know we’ll have a good time then.

Well he came from college just the other day; so much like a man I just had to say, “Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for awhile?’ He shook his head and then said with a smile, “What I'd really like dad is to borrow the car keys? See you later can I have them please?”

And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon. When you comin’ home son? I don’t know when, but we’ll get together then dad, you know we’ll have a good time then.

I’ve long since retired, my sons moved away; I called him up just the other day. I said, “I'd like to see you, if you don’t mind.” He said, “I'd love to dad if I could find the time. You see my new job’s a hassle and the kids have the flu, but it’s sure nice talking to you dad, its been sure nice talking to you..” And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me, he’d grown up just like me; my boy was just like me.

And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon. “When you comin’ home son? I don’t know when but we’ll get together then dad , we’er gonin’ have a good time then.

the end