Edition 8 – Christmas 2013 “The Pillar of Truth” - $3.75

Teen Joins the Royal Family March 2013 In   an   effort   to   have   cash   on   hand   to  purchase  more  video  games,   local   teen  Paige  Florip  decided   to  become  royalty  and   embarked   on   an   exciting   and  lucrative   career   in   the   fast   food  industry.  Her   smiling   face   can  often  be  spotted  in  the  drive-­‐thru  window  of  the  Burger   King   located   in   the   busy  Albertville   Outlet   Mall.   Busloads   of  bargain-­‐hunting   Canadians   routinely  ask   Ms.   Florip   if   she   can   help   them  locate   poutine,   a   delicacy   from   their  homeland.   But   alas,   Paige  must   inform  them  that  this  is  America,  and  we  don’t  eat  gravy  with  our  French  fries.      Paige’s   boyfriend,   John,   also   works   at   the   Albertville   Burger   King   and  often  shares  the  drive-­‐thru  with  his  princess.  They  spend  all  day  serving  up   Whoppers®   and   Satisfries®   to   hungry   customers   (many   of   whom  violate   Paige’s   unwritten   drive-­‐thru   etiquette   rules)   then   go   home   to  chat  on  the  phone  with  each  other  and  discuss  (what  else?!)  what  went  on  all  day  at  the  BK.        In   other   news,   Paige   completed  her   junior   year   of   high   school   (where  she   attended   Saint   Cloud   State   University),   attended   the   Junior   Prom  and   started   her   senior   year,   where   she   commutes   to   the   Bethel  University  campus  every  day.  She  is  also  staying  in  touch  with  her  high  school  friends  by  competing  on  the  school’s  congressional  debate  team.  

Chloe Ann ih i lates Thousands May 2013 Following  in  her  big  sister  Meghan’s  shoes,  Chloe  regularly  harasses  her  mother  about  how  stupid  piano   is  and  how  she  shouldn’t  be  punished  because   her  mother   regrets   quitting   piano   as   a   teen.   As   Chloe   gutted  through  30  never-­‐ending  minutes  of  piano  practice  every  day,  she  also  began   participating   in   the   Minnesota   Music   Teachers   Association  competition.  Three  thousand  students  competed  at  the  regional  level  in  2013,   and   Chloe   killed   it.   Fifteen   hundred   students   competed   at   the  state   level,   and   Chloe   slaughtered   it.   So   in  May,   she  was   allowed   the  honor  of  performing  at  the  Minneapolis  Convention  Center,  one  of  only  300  students!  Congratulations  to  Chloe.  When  asked  how  she  felt  about  the  major  honor,  Chloe  replied,  “Whatever.  I  still  hate  piano!”    (editor’s  note:  She  actually  LOVED  the  new  formal  gown,  and  the  TWO  times  she  had   her   hair   professionally   styled   –   seems   like   a   princess   in   training).  She  is  currently  honing  this  year’s  weapon  and  will  start  the  battle  again  in  January.  Good  luck!    Chloe  was  also  in  hip-­‐hop  dance  class,  strutting  her  stuff  at  the  dance  recital  by   lifting   her   legs   in   the   air   while  supporting   her   body   with   only   her  arms  –  whew!    Our   over-­‐achiever   started   the   fourth  grade  this  fall,  and  spends  most  of  her  days   absorbed   in   a   universe   of   her  own  making…playing  the  SIMS  on  the  computer.    

Dustin Hoffman meets Michael Scott meets Iron Man June 2013  This  year  was  an…  um,  interesting  one  for  area  resident,  Shannon  Florip.  It  was  a  year  where  she  assumed  several  roles.  First,  she  became  a  graduate  (i.e.,  Dustin  Hoffman)  (Ed.  Note:  he  is  the  graduate  from  the  title,  right?  I’ve  never  seen  the  movie)  of  Bethel  University,  completing  her  Bachelor  of  Science  in  Nursing  (BSN)  degree.  This  was  the  climax  of  a  two-­‐year  journey,  and  Shannon  was  very  happy  to  put  the  books  behind  her  for  a  while.  Additionally,  she  accepted  a  Facility  Administrator  position  for  DaVita  Dialysis.  As  the  manager  (Michael  Scott,  the  boss  on  TV’s  The  Office)  of  her  own  dialysis  clinic,  Shannon  got  to  mix  her  background  in  business  management  with  her  degree  in  nursing  –  the  best  of  both  worlds.  It  also  caused  flashbacks  to  when  a  very  young  Meghan  stated  that  managers  just  sit  in  their  office  and  have  employees  bring  them  donuts.  (editor’s  note:  Classic  Meghan)    Unfortunately,  before  Shannon  could  start  her  new  gig  as  Dialysis  Queen,  she  had  to  take  some  time  off  from  work,  due  to  a  pain  in  her  hip  that  was  making  it  very  hard  to  walk  –  even  with  a  cane.  After  repeatedly  being  told  that  she  was  having  muscle  pain  and  should  walk  it  off,  Shannon  went  to  a  different  doctor  who  put  her  through  a  battery  of  tests.  One  of  the  tests  turned  up  a  cancer  diagnosis,  thereby  ruining  the  family’s  summer.  Shannon’s  diagnosis  of  non-­‐Hodgkins  Lymphoma  created  the  need  for  another  role,  Iron  Man.  And  much  like  Iron  Man,  Shannon  needed  to  gear  up  and  kick  some  ass.  Shannon’s  battle  with  Lymphoma  included  four  bone  biopsies,  six  3-­‐day  chemotherapy  sessions,  four  surgeries  to  place/remove  central  lines,  and  two  separate  

week-­‐long  hospital  stays.  This  crap  may  have  knocked  Shannon  down  at  times,  but  she  always  got  back  up  –  with  gusto!  While  Iron  Man  has  yet  to  defeat  cancer,  all  signs  point  to  Shannon  having  done  just  that.  The  mid-­‐point  CT  scan  and  post-­‐treatment  PET  scan  results  both  came  back  clean  and  cancer  free.  Looks  like  this  garbage  is  in  the  rear-­‐view  mirror.    So  while  cancer  sucks,  it  did  provide  a  great  reminder  of  how  precious  life  is  and  that  every  day  is  a  gift.  It  also  cut  down  on  the  amount  of  time  Shannon  spent  in  the  shower  and  in  front  of  the  mirror,  caring  for  her  hair.  

PAMPERED PRINCESS FINDS NATURE… REFRESHING?

October 2013 As   many   readers   are   aware,   Shannon  Florip’s  idea  of  roughing  it  is  a  night  at  the  Country   Inns   and   Suites.   Hiking,   fishing,  lakes,   etc.   are   considered   useless  endeavors.   She   is   often   heard   saying,   “If  there  isn’t  an  ocean,  it  isn’t  worth  it!”    Shannon’s   cousin,   Amanda,   finally  convinced   her   to   take   a   trip   up  Minnesota’s   North   Shore   to   Lutsen  Mountain.   Surprising   herself,   Shannon  actually   went   hiking   in   Gooseberry   Falls   and   a   couple   of   other   state  parks  -­‐-­‐  all  while  snapping  hundreds  of  photos.    It  helped   that   they  stayed   in  a  great  condo  with  a   full   kitchen,  granite  counters,   rainfall   shower,   and   a   gorgeous   view   of   the   spectacular   fall  leaves.  

tçåÇÉê=açÖ=Ü~ë=jÉÇáÅ~ä=`çããìåáíó=^Äìòò=March 2013

Phoebe,  the  Florips’  beloved  backup  dog,  has  pretty  much  chosen  Shannon  as  her  human.    If  Shannon  is  in  the  house,  Phoebe  is  glued  to  her  side.  While  Piper  (the  family’s  main  dog)  can  patrol  the  yard  and  have  ferocious  barking  fights  with  neighbor  dogs,  Phoebe  can’t  be  bothered  to  leave  Shannon’s  side.    This  is  normal  for  the  Florip  humans.    However,  in  March,  all  the  Florip  humans  were  pretty  sure  Phoebe  had  

lost  her  damn  mind.  Phoebe  INSISTED  on  sitting  on  Shannon’s  left  hip  at  all  times.  If  Shannon  was  not  in  Phoebe’s  sight,  she  started  to  whimper  and  bark.  Shannon  was  no  longer  allowed  to  go  to  the  bathroom  with  the  door  closed.  Phoebe  had  surely  gone  mad.    When  Mrs.  Florip  was  diagnosed  with  cancer  and  a  hip  tumor  in  June,  it  became  clear  that  Phoebe  was  the  first  one  to  “diagnose”  the  cancer.    Too  bad  she  couldn’t  quite  speak  human.    When  the  Florips  informed  Dr.  Barker  of  this,  (no  joke,  that  is  seriously  the  veterinarian’s  name)  she  discussed  reading  a  study  that  reported  some  dogs  can  smell  tumors.  She  was  super  impressed  with  Phoebe  and  said  she  had  never  actually  met  a  dog  that  could  do  it.  Phoebe  was  so  puffed  up  she  started  to  apply  to  medical  schools.  Sadly,  the  applications  were  rejected  as  they  were  all  just  paw  prints  and  nose  smudges.        Phoebe  is  now  okay  with  Shannon  closing  the  bathroom  door  –  for  a  few  minutes.    That  seems  to  indicate  another  sign  for  the  road  to  recovery.  

Meghan Rattles Political Cages October 2013 When   the   mother   of   local   teenager,   Meghan  Florip,   finally   broke   down   and   let   her   quit   all  musical   lessons,   it  came  with  a  string  attached  -­‐-­‐  she   must   be   in   activities   all   year   round.   Since  music  was  out,  and  sports  are  not  really  an  option  for   the   uncoordinated,   Meghan   decided   to   take  up   the   more   intellectual   pursuits   of   Mock   Trial  and  Congressional  Debate.    So  now,  instead  of  music  lessons  once  a  week,  Meghan  has  practices  2-­‐3  times  per  week,  sometimes  both  on  the  same  night.  She’s  constantly  crafting   arguments   and   washing   her   presentation   outfits.   Many  Saturdays,  she’s  travelling  to  debates  around  the  state  with  Paige.      This  year,  Meg  started  the  ninth  grade  and   it’s  been  arguably  the  best  year  yet!  Her  best  friend  LITERALLY  moved  in  next  door,  so  her  parents  can   sometimes   goes   for   days   without   seeing   the   young   lass.   Charlie  Sheen   from   2010   would   describe   that   as   WINNING!   (editor’s   note:  Meghan’s  parents  INSIST  that  they  love  her  with  all  their  hearts  -­‐-­‐  really)  

Local Man Wins Husband of the Year! It   all   started   in   January.   Shannon   just  wasn’t   herself   and   couldn’t   do   all   the  things  that  she  had  done  before.   It  got  progressively   worse,   and   soon   Brian  was  doing  many  of   the   things   typically  reserved  for  Shannon.      

Usually,  Brian   likes   to   spend  his   free   time  watching   the  Detroit  Tigers,  swinging   golf   clubs,   organizing   his   man   cave,   or   “playing”   on   the  computer   (he   HATES   it   when   we   call   it   that),   but   he   was   now   doing  laundry,  making  doctor  appointments  for  the  girls,  taking  care  of  a  sick  Shannon,   making   play   dates,   grocery   shopping,   doing   more   laundry,  taking   the   dogs   to   be   groomed,   and   trying   to   get   work   done   from  waiting   rooms   and   hospital   rooms.   Some   would   say   he   was   a   real  domestic  goddess.    Brian,   being   the   amazing   guy   that   he   is,   did   it   all   with   a   smile   (okay,  there  weren’t  many   smiles,   but   he   didn’t   complain   anyway).   Shannon  has  told  this  interviewer  that  he  was  her  rock,  and  couldn’t  have  fought  her   fight   without   him.   Shannon’s   friends   were   also   quoted   as   saying,  “I’m   so   glad   that   she   has   Brian   for   this.”   Agreed.   Truly,   Brian   is   the  Husband  of  the  Year!    If  that  award  existed,  but  it  doesn’t.    

WARRIORS VICTORIOUS! 2013 Piper,   Phoebe   and   Salem   became  Shannon’s   cancer   warriors   this  year.   Other   than   Phoebe   (see  other   story),   most   of   the   animals  have  their  own  interests.  Normally,  Piper  has  to  be  outside  when  there  are  birds  and  butterflies  to  chase.  And  Salem  can’t  be  bothered  to  leave  her  post  at  the  top  of  the  steps.    However,   when   Shannon   needed   them   the   most,   all   three   would   be  instinctively  by  her  side.  Many  hours  were  spent  snuggling  their  resting  mistress.    There  were  even  times  when  all  three  animals  called  a  truce  and  were  at  her   side   simultaneously.   The  Florip  humans   found   this   so  miraculous,  they  wrote  to  the  Pope  to  report  this  miracle.  The  Pope  did  not  find  this  funny,  and  the  Florips  were  visited  by  the  local  archdiocese  and  subsequently  banned  from  Catholic  churches.