Drafting and Revising Academic

Writing

A presentation by Lindsay Schaefer,

Graduate Writing Coordinator

Adapted from The Graduate Writing Center of the

The Center for Excellence in Writing @PSU

Drafting and Revising Academic Writing

Instructor: Lindsay SchaeferGraduate Writing Coordinator

SchaeferLindsay@sau.edu

Goals To help you develop a greater

sensitivity to audience in your writing.

To help you develop sustainable, audience-centered revision techniques.

To help you develop collaborative revision practices and ethics.

Writing a First Draft Set intermediate or small goals. Write daily. Become familiar with

conventions and jargon. Write an outline or use other

kinds of idea generation. – Freewrite– Cluster diagram– Outline

Sample cluster diagram

Sample OutlineHow do Female Physicians Balance Work

and Family?I. Introduction/Why is this study important?

I. More women are workingII. More physicians are women

II. IssuesI. Physicians (mostly males, not much literature on females)

I. Role ConflictII. Identity IssuesIII. Gender Attitudes

II. All working womenIII. Strategies

I. LifeII. WorkplaceIII. HomeIV. Juggling

IV. MethodsV. Results/Discussion

I. Role ConflictII. Identity IssuesIII. Gender Attitudes

VI. Conclusions

Writing a First Draft—cont’d

Don’t expect perfection. Write what you can.

– Save any problems for later.

– Leave yourself notes. Write in a natural style. Write the introduction

last.

Writing Additional Drafts

Take a break. Print a copy to read. Read your draft aloud. Ask someone else to read

your draft.

Writing is never done. It’s just due.

Writing Additional Drafts—cont’d Work from higher-level concerns to

lower-level concerns. Find and evaluate your thesis. Write an abstract and compare it with

your text. Write a “scratch outline.” OR consider post-outlining your

draft. Look at paragraph function. Check for topic sentences.

Writing Additional Drafts—cont’d

Keep a record of consistent problems. Don’t rely on computer-based spell or

grammar check. If time is short, concentrate on sections

most likely to be read.

Exercise 1: Revising for Different

Audiences Look at the excerpts on p. 3-4 of your

packet. Which excerpt is from which

publication? How do you know? Note a few specific reasons

Questions about Audience Who are my readers? What do I want them to know? What are my readers like? How will

this influence their reading? What do they already know? What do

they need to know?

Revising Paragraphs:

Effective paragraphs are:

Well-developed Unified Coherent

Revising Paragraphs:Strategies for Improving Unity

Eliminate unrelated information. Add relevant information. Separate ideas and develop them in

different paragraphs. Rewrite your topic sentence.

Revising Paragraphs:Strategies for Improving Coherence Move from “old” to “new”

information. Use “stock” transitional phrases. Use pronouns and/or recycling. Start sentences with short, easily

understood phrases.

Revising Paragraphs:Coherence Example

Which of the following paragraphs “flow” better? Why?

A. Some astonishing questions about the nature of the universe have been raised by scientists studying black holes in space. The collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble creates a Black Hole. So much matter compressed into so little volume changes the fabric of space around it in puzzling ways.

B. Some astonishing questions about the nature of the universe have been raised by scientists studying black holes in space. A Black Hole is created by the collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a marble. So much matter compressed into so little volume changes the fabric of space around it in puzzling ways.

Revising Paragraphs:Example

Soils represent major sinks for metals like cadmium that are released into the environment. Soil does not have an infinite capacity to absorb metal contaminants, and when this capacity is exhausted, environmental consequences are incurred. Contamination of soils by cadmium and other heavy metals has become a global concern in recent years because of the increasing demands of society for food production, waste disposal, and a healthier environment. The main causes of cadmium contamination in soils are amendment materials (e.g., municipal waste sludge) and fallout from nonferrous metal production and power plants.

What problems (with development, unity, or coherence) can you see in this paragraph?

Revising Paragraphs:Example—cont’d

Such sources as mines, smelters, power plants, and municipal waste treatment facilities release metals into the environment. These heavy metals, especially cadmium, then find their way into the soil. The soil does not have an infinite capacity to absorb these metals. Instead, unabsorbed metals move through the soil into the groundwater or are extracted by crops that take the contamination into the food chain.

How does this revision correct the previous problems?

Exercise 2: Revising Paragraphs

The power to create and communicate a new message to fit a new experience is not a competence animals have in their natural states. Their genetic code limits the number and kind of messages that they can communicate. Information about distance, direction, source, and richness of pollen in flowers constitutes the only information that can be communicated by bees, for example. A limited repertoire of messages delivered in the same way, for generation after generation, is characteristic of animals of the same species, in all significant respects.

Revising Sentences :Hierarchy Use subordination to emphasize

information or demonstrate causality. Subordinating conjunctions: after,

although, as, as if, because, before, even if, even though, if, if only, rather than, since, that, though, unless, until, when, where, whereas, wherever, whether, which, while

Example:– Although production costs have declined, they are still high.

Revising Sentences:Hierarchy Avoid modifiers with

unclear or missing subjects.

Example:– After reaching northern

Alaska or the Arctic Islands, breeding occurs in the lowlands.

– Revised: After reaching northern Alaska or the Arctic Islands, the swans breed in the lowlands.

Revising Sentences:Parallelism

Make sure the structure of your sentence fits the concept.

Use parallel structure for phrases and items in lists.

Revising Sentences:Parallelism Example The valving improvements we seek

will increase reliability, accessibility, and maintenance and allow application to all sizes of valves.

Revised: The valving improvements we seek will increase reliability and accessibility, decrease maintenance, and allow application to all sizes of valves.

Improving Word Choice and Conciseness

Avoid empty words Avoid unnecessary

repetition Limit the use of

passive voice Eliminate

unnecessary nominalizations

Improving Word Choice and Conciseness: Some Tips identify empty words and unnecessary

repetition. Circle forms of the verb “to be” to

check for passive voice and nominalizations.

Revise. Eliminate empty words and repetition Make the character the subject of the

sentence. Replace “to be” with an active verb.

Improving Word Choice and Conciseness: Example

As far as I am concerned, because of the fact that a situation of discrimination continues to exist in the field of medicine, women have not at the present time achieved equality with men.

Revised: Because of continuing gender discrimination in medicine, women have yet to achieve equality with men.

Exercise 3: Revising Sentences Revise the sentences on p. 10 of your

packet as necessary. Try one or more of the following:

– 1) Identify empty words and unnecessary repetition.

– 2) Circle forms of the verb “to be” and check for passive voice and nominalizations.

– 3) Use transitions, subordination and parallel structures where appropriate.

Revising and Getting Help Collaboratively

Readers– Ask questions about audience– Look at overall argument, as

well as paragraph and sentence structure

– Be specific with criticism and praise

– Describe the effect of the writing on you

Writers– Ask for clarification– Be open to suggestions

The End

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