Don’t make fun of renowned Dan Brown - Telegraph

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www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/10049454/Dont-make-fun-of-renowned-Dan-Brown.html

Dont make fun of renowned Dan Brown

The snobs and critics will have a field day with the US authors latest work but Im notoining in

Dan Brown's new novel will no doubt be a bestseller, to the annoyance of critics Photo: AP

By Michael Deacon

7:46PM BST 10 May 2013

Renowned author Dan Brown woke up in his luxurious four-poster bed in his expensive $10 million

house and immediately he felt angry. Most people would have thought that the 48-year-old man had

no reason to be angry. After all, the famous writer had a new book coming out. But that was the

problem. A new book meant an inevitable attack on the rich novelist by the wealthy wordsmithsfiercest foes. The critics.

Renowned author Dan Brown hated the critics. Ever since he had become one of the worlds top

renowned authors they had made fun of him. They had mocked bestselling bookThe Da Vinci Code,

successful novelDigital Fortress, popular tomeDeception Point, money-spinning volumeAngels &

Demons and chart-topping work of narrative fiction The Lost Symbol.
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The critics said his writing was clumsy, ungrammatical, repetitive and repetitive. They said it was full

of unnecessary tautology. They said his prose was swamped in a sea of mixed metaphors. For some

reason they found something funny in sentences such as His eyes went white, like a shark about to

attack. They even say my books are packed with banal and superfluous description, thought the

5ft 9in man. He particularly hated it when they said his imagery was nonsensical. It made his insect

eyes flash like a rocket.

Renowned author Dan Brown got out of his luxurious four-poster bed in his expensive $10 million

house and paced the bedroom, using the feet located at the ends of his two legs to propel him

forwards. He knew he shouldnt care what a few jealous critics thought. His new book Inferno was

coming out on Tuesday, and the 480-page hardback published by Doubleday with a recommended US

retail price of $29.95 was sure to be a hit. Wasnt it?

Ill call my agent, pondered the prosperous scribe. He reached for the telephone using one of his two

hands. Hello, this is renowned author Dan Brown, spoke renowned author Dan Brown. I want to tal

to literary agent John Unconvincingname.

Mr Unconvincingname, its renowned author Dan Brown, told the voice at the other end of the line.

Instantly the voice at the other end of the line was replaced by a different voice at the other end of th

line. Hello, its literary agent John Unconvincingname, informed the new voice at the other end of

the line.

Hello agent John, its client Dan, commented the pecunious scribbler. Im worried about new book

Inferno. I think critics are going to say its badly written.

The voice at the other end of the line gave a sigh, like a mighty oak toppling into a great river, or

something else that didnt sound like a sigh if you gave it a moments thought. Who cares what the

stupid critics say? advised the literary agent. Theyre just snobs. You have millions of fans.

Thats true, mused the accomplished composer of thrillers that combined religion, high culture and

conspiracy theories. His books were read by everyone from renowned politician President Obama to

renowned musician Britney Spears. It was said that a copy ofThe Da Vinci Code had even found its

way into the hands of renowned monarch the Queen. He was grateful for his good fortune, and gave

thanks every night in his prayers to renowned deity God.

Think of all the money youve made, recommended the literary agent. That was true too. The thrivin

ink-slingers wealth had allowed him to indulge his passion for great art. Among his proudest


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purchases were a specially commissioned landscape by acclaimed painter Vincent van Gogh and a

signed first edition by revered scriptwriter William Shakespeare.

Renowned author Dan Brown smiled, the ends of his mouth curving upwards in a physical expression

of pleasure. He felt much better. If your books brought innocent delight to millions of readers, what

did it matter whether you knew the difference between a transitive and an intransitive verb?

Thanks, John, he thanked. Then he put down the telephone and perambulated on foot to the desk

behind which he habitually sat on a chair to write his famous books on an Apple iMac MD093B/A

computer. New book Inferno, the latest in his celebrated series about fictional Harvard professor

Robert Langdon, was inspired by top Italian poet Dante. It wouldnt be the last in the lucrative

sequence, either. He had all the sequels mapped out. The Mozart Acrostic. The Michelangelo

Wordsearch. The Newton Sudoku.

The 190lb adult male human being nodded his head to indicate satisfaction and returned to his

bedroom by walking there. Still asleep in the luxurious four-poster bed of the expensive $10 million

house was beautiful wife Mrs Brown. Renowned author Dan Brown gazed admiringly at the

pulchritudinous brunettes blonde tresses, flowing from her head like a stream but made from hair

instead of water and without any fish in. She was as majestic as the finest sculpture by Caravaggio or

the most coveted portrait by Rodin.I like the attractive woman, thought the successful man.

Perhaps one day, inspired by beautiful wife Mrs Brown, he would move into romantic poetry, like

market-leading British rhymester John Keats. That would be good, opined the talented person, and

got back into the luxurious four-poster bed. He felt as happy as a man who has something to be happy

about and is suitably happy about it.

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Don’t make fun of renowned Dan Brown - Telegraph