Name:Date:

Writing Practice with Problematic Sentences

Directions: The following sentences are borrowed from student papers. Some are combined from multiple papers to illustrate commonly made mistakes. Following the suggestions, rewrite the sentences to improve. Use the parenthetical hint about what sort of sentence this should be to guide your response.

Part 1: Introductions

1. (attack sentence)You might look at Emily’s insanity as a result of her upbringings because, as you know, when people have issues, those issues are a product of family and community

problem: too specific to story, uses 2nd personfix:

2. (attack sentence)What causes insanity?

problem: in this instance, answering would be better than posing a rhetorical question because it is so vaguefix:

3. (thesis) Faulkner foreshadows Emily’s mental instability by hinting that her father is the root of her issues, by her community, and by demonstrating her inability to distinguish past from present as a culmination of the damage done to her by family and community.

problem: lacks parallel structure and clarityfix:

4. (thesis) Using the actions of her father, the condemnation of her community, and her own inability to distinguish past from present, Faulker foreshadows Emily’s mental instability.

problem: misplaced modifier obscures meaning fix:

5. (thesis) Faulkner uses Emily’s estranged relationship with her family, the imagery of her disturbing changes in appearance and dress, and the decay of her house and home to foreshadow her mental instability

problem: the body paragraphs are arranged in this order: 1. imagery of changes 2. relationship with family 3. decay of housefix:

Part II: Body paragraphs

1. (subthesis) Faulkner describes Emily’s relationship with the community.

problem: doesn’t connect to argument at all; lacks specific detail about what paragraph will containfix:

2. (subthesis) Emily’s mental instability is foreshadowed by her father’s controlling demeanor, rigid rules, and cruel actions.

problem: passive voice fix:

3. (claim) Emily’s father is described by Faulkner.

problem: passive voice, not a “mini argument”fix:

4. (quote & analysis) Emily insists that “her father was not dead” (3). This shows that she doesn’t believe he is dead.

problem: “this shows” is vague and doesn’t actually explain technique. Also, instead of explaining purpose, this student has summarized the quote. What does this mean for the argument?fix:

5. (quote) Faulkner describes her father. “A spraddled silhouette in the foreground, his back to her and clutching a horsewhip.” (3)

problem: quote is not integrated into a sentence and punctuation with page number is incorrectfix:

6. (quote & analysis) Judge Stevens exclaims, “dammit… will you accuse a lady to her face of smelling bad” (2). The townspeople believe confronting Emily about the smell would be an insult. It shows that she is eccentric.

problem: the analysis does not closely examine this quote - it summarizes what the townspeople think rather than what the author does to foreshadow Emily’s mental condition. The last sentence is too vague with “it”, and doesn’t seem to be relevant to the quote or the first sentence.fix: